Dating a Narcissist is like watching someone on a job interview. The initial impression is great. They’re charismatic, witty and charming. But once they get the job, they become the worst, most disgruntled employee ever. They’re antagonistic and downright miserable just looking to get fired.
In truth, they really are applying for a job. They want the role of resource taker, energy sucker and emotional vampire. Narcissists need people and yet at the same time they hate that they need them.
In the beginning the thought of someone new thinking about them, wanting them, loving them is so exhilarating it puts them in a state of euphoria, but as with all things, those intense feelings don’t last. Soon the attention starts to wane, they aren’t so affectionate, or interested and their partner starts to wonder what they’ve done wrong.
One minute you are exchanging I love you’s and talking about the future and the next minute your calls and texts are going unanswered. Before you know what’s happening, your partner, who you thought was your soul mate, is now in love with someone else and you’re left in a state of complete and utter shock.
If you can look past all of the stuff going on inside of you, like the taking blame and responsibility for their actions and your own feelings of unworthiness and just look at the Narcissist’s behavior, you can see very clearly that this is someone who’s feelings are incredibly superficial and that they can change on a whim.
I’ve always said that those things that people with fully functioning empathy chips have, that keep them anchored in their relationships, are non-existent in the Narcissist. Things like, loyalty, nostalgia, history, memories, promises, vows, children, and personal integrity. They are and will forever be on the lookout for people and things that will make them look and feel good, everything else be damned.
The Mixed Signal
Often in relationships with Narcissists we will get mixed signals like the one I mentioned above – one minute they love you and the next they aren’t returning your calls, or one minute they’re gung ho to go to your cousins wedding and the next they are picking fights with you to get out of having to go. The mixed signal is part of a Narcissists repertoire. It portrays the Narcissists ever changing desires, their lack of commitment and general overall selfishness. They don’t care that you’ve already sent your R.R.S.V.P. with a plus one. They don’t care how foolish you’ll look going all by yourself. All they care about in that moment is that they don’t want to go and rot everything else. One of the things the mixed signal shines a glaring light on is their complete lack of insight to how their behaviors affect others.
Another reason for the Narcissist’s mixed signals could simply be that they just aren’t sure about you. They aren’t sure that you’re the right piece of supply that will fill them up, or that you will give them that trophy jolt when they present you publicly, yet you’ve got something that they really like, such as, resources, willing genitalia, a loving, forgiving and compassionate nature that is willing to love them regardless of all of their relationship crimes. So, they will provide you with some crumbs of attention. Just enough to keep you around and interested, which will give them easy passage when for when they need you again.
“I miss you,” “I want you,” “I need you.” All of these are things we want to hear from our lovers. We want to know they are thinking of us, that we mean something to them. The problem with phrases like these are that they say something without really saying anything. I can recall dating a boomerang Narcissist who used to use I miss you constantly. I started to think that if he missed me so much he would do something about it. I miss you was just how he would break the ice after a long silence. He was sticking his toe in the water to gage how I would react. I miss you sounds nice but it really doesn’t mean anything. If he missed me really, he would do something about it like consistently be in my life. Instead he used it as a barometer.
Another phrase I’d get is, “I’m sorry.” This too would be used after a long absence. It sounds great, like he was accepting responsibility for past actions but what he was really doing was just looking for a way back in. When a person is really sorry they have to follow it up by making amends and discontinuing the behavior they are sorry about. Instead what I would get is I’m sorry, followed by my relenting, followed by him getting what he wanted usually sex, followed by him committing the behavior again.
Regardless of what words your Narcissist uses the only accurate sign of sincerity are actions. Actions speak louder than words and if your partner’s actions are not respectful, not loving and not consistent, it tells you all you need to know and your course of action (leaving) should be clear.
The truth is there are lots of sweet talkers and con artist in the world. If your mate says, I love you ten times a day and then treats you like garbage, it’s the actions that you should be focusing on. Mixed signals are exactly that. You’re not the one mixed up – you’re just reading what they’re putting out there and they are telling you quite clearly – I’m not sure about you. You should never waste time trying to convince someone to choose you. They’re either in it or they’re not. And if you’re not on the same page, you need to start a new chapter.
Remember, It’s really easy to say I love you, it’s a lot harder to prove it. So if you’re confused about your partner’s true intentions, always follow their actions – how they treat you on a consistent basis is indicative of their true feelings and tells you everything you need to know.
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