Dating a Narcissist is like watching someone on a job interview. The initial impression is great. They’re charismatic, witty and charming. But once they get the job, they become the worst, most disgruntled employee ever. They’re antagonistic and downright miserable just looking to get fired.
In truth, they really are applying for a job. They want the role of resource taker, energy sucker and emotional vampire. Narcissists need people and yet at the same time they hate that they need them.
Superficiality
In the beginning the thought of someone new thinking about them, wanting them, loving them is so exhilarating it puts them in a state of euphoria, but as with all things, those intense feelings don’t last. Soon the attention starts to wane, they aren’t so affectionate, or interested and their partner starts to wonder what they’ve done wrong.
One minute you are exchanging I love you’s and talking about the future and the next minute your calls and texts are going unanswered. Before you know what’s happening, your partner, who you thought was your soul mate, is now in love with someone else and you’re left in a state of complete and utter shock.
If you can look past all of the stuff going on inside of you, like the taking blame and responsibility for their actions and your own feelings of unworthiness and just look at the Narcissist’s behavior, you can see very clearly that this is someone who’s feelings are incredibly superficial and that they can change on a whim.
I’ve always said that those things that people with fully functioning empathy chips have, that keep them anchored in their relationships, are non-existent in the Narcissist. Things like, loyalty, nostalgia, history, memories, promises, vows, children, and personal integrity. They are and will forever be on the lookout for people and things that will make them look and feel good, everything else be damned.
The Mixed Signal
Often in relationships with Narcissists we will get mixed signals like the one I mentioned above – one minute they love you and the next they aren’t returning your calls, or one minute they’re gung ho to go to your cousins wedding and the next they are picking fights with you to get out of having to go. The mixed signal is part of a Narcissists repertoire. It portrays the Narcissists ever changing desires, their lack of commitment and general overall selfishness. They don’t care that you’ve already sent your R.R.S.V.P. with a plus one. They don’t care how foolish you’ll look going all by yourself. All they care about in that moment is that they don’t want to go and rot everything else. One of the things the mixed signal shines a glaring light on is their complete lack of insight to how their behaviors affect others.
Another reason for the Narcissist’s mixed signals could simply be that they just aren’t sure about you. They aren’t sure that you’re the right piece of supply that will fill them up, or that you will give them that trophy jolt when they present you publicly, yet you’ve got something that they really like, such as, resources, willing genitalia, a loving, forgiving and compassionate nature that is willing to love them regardless of all of their relationship crimes. So, they will provide you with some crumbs of attention. Just enough to keep you around and interested, which will give them easy passage when for when they need you again.
Ambiguity
“I miss you,” “I want you,” “I need you.” All of these are things we want to hear from our lovers. We want to know they are thinking of us, that we mean something to them. The problem with phrases like these are that they say something without really saying anything. I can recall dating a boomerang Narcissist who used to use I miss you constantly. I started to think that if he missed me so much he would do something about it. I miss you was just how he would break the ice after a long silence. He was sticking his toe in the water to gage how I would react. I miss you sounds nice but it really doesn’t mean anything. If he missed me really, he would do something about it like consistently be in my life. Instead he used it as a barometer.
Another phrase I’d get is, “I’m sorry.” This too would be used after a long absence. It sounds great, like he was accepting responsibility for past actions but what he was really doing was just looking for a way back in. When a person is really sorry they have to follow it up by making amends and discontinuing the behavior they are sorry about. Instead what I would get is I’m sorry, followed by my relenting, followed by him getting what he wanted usually sex, followed by him committing the behavior again.
Regardless of what words your Narcissist uses the only accurate sign of sincerity are actions. Actions speak louder than words and if your partner’s actions are not respectful, not loving and not consistent, it tells you all you need to know and your course of action (leaving) should be clear.
The truth is there are lots of sweet talkers and con artist in the world. If your mate says, I love you ten times a day and then treats you like garbage, it’s the actions that you should be focusing on. Mixed signals are exactly that. You’re not the one mixed up – you’re just reading what they’re putting out there and they are telling you quite clearly – I’m not sure about you. You should never waste time trying to convince someone to choose you. They’re either in it or they’re not. And if you’re not on the same page, you need to start a new chapter.
Remember, It’s really easy to say I love you, it’s a lot harder to prove it. So if you’re confused about your partner’s true intentions, always follow their actions – how they treat you on a consistent basis is indicative of their true feelings and tells you everything you need to know.
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Very well written article — I am with a narc – married to him so been on this roller coaster for 13 yrs (7 married but we don’t live together). Only reason we lasted this long was because I have my own “space”. But he spends all his waking free time on his hobby – I’m not included in anything – and he goes out of town for work — Not unusual to spend a month apart but come together for a booty call aka “that safe place to fall”……. Have always had low self esteem ( My Dad was a narc) and I am angry at myself for accepting those crumbs of attention — Yes, it’s that intermittent reinforcement that keeps me hooked — Hoping – Wishing – For a better tomorrow that never comes. I’m no kid and don’t want to start over. But you know the wisest advice in this article? ” They can tell you they love you l00 times a day – but if their behavior is such where you are treated like dog crap…. that should be a wake up call.” I always made excuses for his deplorable behavior. He cheated. He lies all the time. Turned his family against me. Trashed my reputation with his friends with his lies so they would feel sorry for him. (Yes, that popular “victim” card they like to play.) I am pretty disgusted with myself – as are my children ( not his) who have lost all respect for me. These narcs are THE most charming, persuasive, “bigger than life” personalities… but they are also shallow,
immature, and THE most selfish people on the face of the Earth. Unless there is something in it for them — they will not bother with you.. Public image is EVERYTHING to them. their EGO is
everything… I pumped up both. Got ZERO money from him – asked for nothing since I didn’t want to be accused of being a golddigger.. Did he appreciate it? Um. NO. It just fed his sense of
entitlement — He’s spent thousands and thousands on his hobby. But for me? No date nights.
No weekend getaways. Movies 2x a year — no nice dinners out… Sounds horrible on paper.
What to do when you have been married to this person for over 35 years?
Thank you so much.
Ran into an old boyfriend on New Year’s Eve. Last time I dated him (24 years ago), I was separated with three kids and he was supposedly single. It drifted into a couple of flings then petered out. Now he is still married with two kids (14 and 10 years old). Claims he and his wife are now estranged under the same roof (for the kid’s sake). He wriggled his way back into my life and my bed as I believed him.. Text messages and a few phone calls were exchanged, but he flew into a panic when I sent him an innocent message on Facebook. His kids could read it … and apparently his wife also. By Easter, I challenged him about his relationship with his wife, who turned up in my neighbourhood to go camping with hm and the children. I just dropped in at the campsite and he was mortified.. urging me to leave before his family saw me. I don’t care what he says… it is finished and I will not be the soft landing for him when he chooses to have his ‘me’ time away from his family. That is it… all finished… game over! His number is blocked. Thanks Savannah 🙂
Savannah, your blog has helped me immensely. I first read the article about rinse-cycle-repeat. It perfectly described the man I had met. I had never experiensed this type of behaviour before and found myself being in people-pleasing mode more than ever. When I experienced the cruelty and mixed signals you so eloquently describe I started to plan my exit. It was very difficult, and I was scared that he would revenge himself on me. After all – how could I know who he really was? My strategy was to try to make him suggest to break things off, and then for me to agree. When the chance came I grabbed it and blocked his number. He already had new supply lined up, which suited me just fine at that point. He has made no attempt at contacting me and I have my health back! No more sleepless nights. No more pining for a person that never existed to start with. It has been hard, but as they say – people come into your life either as a blessing or a lesson. This has truly been a lesson!!
I thought quite a bit about this article last night and had a few other thoughts about how this type of narcissist does their damage. Many articles about narcissists describe venom, cruelty, hatred. I never heard or experienced anything like that. For a long time, I wasn’t even sure I was dealing with a narcissist because what I read didn’t correspond to what I had experienced.
My experience at the end was similar to the story of the frog who was in the pan of water and the heat was slowly turned up. I was crushed and broken and I didn’t even know what had happened to me.
My experience, on one level, was a charming, kind, loving person who suddenly got busy with work. But, something else much more profound was also going on. I didn’t understand that a person who is consistently kind and trustworthy for six months could still be remote, distant, and self-absorbed. As the on / off dance went on and he intermittently ignored me and then started telling me about his friends/customers (aka harem), I became more and more obsessed with getting any shreds of attention to bring back the happy beginning.
My thoughts are that the damage from this kind of narcissist has to do with very primal feelings of: abandonment, being in the way and being a burden, sibling rivalry, blaming yourself for inadvertently doing something that you don’t understand which was the cause of the rejection.
I’ve learned to be very careful to spot and avoid typical hostile, critical, demeaning narcissists. The type of narcissist that Savannah described in this article can do so much damage without even a harsh word.
How do you spot a hostile , demeaning narcissistic?
Your articles give me breath but this one is like you were here with me. I am proud to say that I used your words before I read them. “When a person is really sorry they have to follow it up and make amends” also any thing said prior to a …but… is discounted, meaningless. I get the “I miss you” thing too and I also realize what it really means but it was nice to have it written out for me. I realize I am killing myself every time I have contact, it has taken years off my life from having days even week long depression crying until my body hurts, Unable to eat disgusted with my victim attitude, suicidal ideation, all of it. I know when I block him I have a good day. So I haven’t been able to go no contact for long periods yet but I have been able to for short periods and I am proud of some progress. I also do not go back, text yes call maybe visit no way.
What I wonder reading about him in these incredible posts is what it must feel like to read who you are in a post like this, not unique not different the same cruel behaviors used by other Narcs. Its not me its in writing your behavior is predictable and expected for someone with your condition. What an ego deflation I would think.
I literally never understood what happened to me until I read this article. For six months I was charmed and felt very appreciated by a very loyal, kind person. Then, out of the blue, one day I knew that something happened and things weren’t the same but I had no idea what was going on. The withdrawal dance went on for three long months. Then, when he just disappeared when we had a commitment and I protested, I was hatefully rejected and then shunned and blocked.
This is a very deceptive, hurtful pattern. Thanks very much for explaining who I was dealing with. I feel much better that it wasn’t my fault.
Boy oh Boy Savannah. Perfect timing. Thank you.
That would have to be the most accurate article and came exactly when I needed it.
I feel like I’m going so well and then BOOM out of nowhere she is back clearly telling me lies and ME falling for them. Everything you mention, and then turning cold and picking fights and talking about her girlfriend that she supposedly split up with because she told her how much she loved me. Hahahah BULLSHIT!! Utter lies.
She has gone again, and blocked me. This time I have blocked her back, I hope I can keep her blocked. 10 Years with her, and this bullshit has been going on for nearly 3 years when will it end.
Love you Savannah you are amazing. xx
Karen,
It will end when you put a stop to it and when you remain loyal to no contact. It ends when you want it to end.
No contact is the only way to gain true clarity about the type of person you are dealing with. Especially being with them for ten years. You have been in a fog of deception, and crazy talk, but it will clear. Wishing you well. Find that inner war-godess to be stong and fight for yourself. Build the life you have always wanted away from crazy town.
This is worth hearing again and again for me. I am now 3 years After N and I have attracted another one who “wasn’t as bad” so I did a lot of head tricks a year ago to make it ok with me that I basically got treated shabbily. In particular, the job interview part. I don’t think I was true arm candy material but I do think I was the soft nice place to land. Because I was recovering from a very evil N (and I do now believe there is a kind of evil in that kind of unrelenting selfishness) I found N2 rather mild. He had a harem but he told me about it so it was my choice to be one of his women instead of the amazing amount of gaslighting and hidden women (and men) that Evil N1 had. But as my healing progressed I began to take more and more responsibility for who I attracted and why. My bar was raised. About a month ago I saw N2 and we had two weekends together (just shags, not the whole weekend) and when he didn’t have the decency to return a text after two days, I was done. Yay me! I really like that you said that N’s are on the fence as they decide if we are enough supply or if we give them the proper jolt of social recognition as arm candy. That struck home. I don’t think I make very good supply any more. I now know that my level of awareness has made it impossible for me to be ignorant this time. I am realizing that any behavior I tolerate merely keeps me in my low-self-esteem place and undoes all the hard work I’ve been doing in counseling and in life. Actions speak the truth and my own actions need to speak my NEW truth: that I am worthy of reciprocation, honesty and time. If people don’t respond to my texts within a day I send a brief follow up to see if they got my text and if they did, I know they were ignoring me. Its a small thing but since I’ve stopped tolerating this small but telling slap in the face, I feel less stressed.
My biggest fear is falling for another narc. I get anxiety just thinking like that. So I read and try to educate myself about why I attract these types. Focus more on myself. And lastly take it slow when dating. If they say they love you right away, before really knowing you, that’s a huge red flag…..run to the nearest exit don’t walk!
Bare truth and nothing but the truth! Sounds harsh but really, honestly that’s exactly what many of us experienced and many of us are trying to soften now and then, sometimes even years post the narc… it wasn’t that bad, there were good times, maybe he loved me a little bit, maybe I wasn’t so cruelly dumped and cold-heartedly exchanged for a new supply, maybe it was only the other woman’s fault, and maybe just maybe it’s true that he kept me for handy, willing genitals… and perhaps the comfort of two paycheques household, and clean house, homemade meals…. Sad but true!
I know what you mean Jolanta. I try to keep all the bad at the forefront because if I start thinking of the good time, then the mind games follow. Maybe he did love me and maybe he didn’t mean to be such a horrible letch bottom feeder sorry excuse for a man……who just took and took and took from me and everyone else who crossed his path. I feel sorry for his next victim.