Gabriella had planned it all so perfectly. She had decorated her new condo beautifully for the holidays. All her presents were bought, wrapped and under the tree and she was looking forward to hosting her family for Christmas dinner.
She had been dating Tony on and off for about 2 years and he had assured her that everything would go smoothly this year. She described him as irresponsible and selfish, but she looked past his bad behavior, because she was in love with him, and felt unable to walk away. She described the relationship as tumultuous and said that it always had her soaring and crashing.
Tony always seemed to pick fights with her over the most senseless and ridiculous things and at the most inopportune time. Once, he didn’t speak to her for two weeks, because she didn’t answer his text message fast enough. Another time, she picked him up and slightly scolded him for picking mud off of his shoes and letting it get all over her car. He stormed out of the vehicle without thanking her for the ride and didn’t speak to her for another 2 weeks. Another silly fight was when she was over at his place and after washing her hands in the restroom, some water droplets dripped onto the countertop, as she reached to turn off the water tap. Upon seeing it, he flipped out and told her to leave.
She noticed that there always seemed to be a fight right before a special event, or a holiday that she was looking forward to, and she wondered about the significance.
Last week, we spoke about how a Narcissist ex will try to weasel their way back into our lives over the holidays, hoping to find us at a weak moment. The opposite also happens when we’re involved with a particular type of Narcissist. Many will do their damnedest to get away from you, when a holiday or a special event draws near, going as far as to pick fights out of thin air.
Right on queue Tony picked a fight with Gabriella two days before Christmas and just like that he was gone, leaving her to put on a good face and explain his absence to her family yet again. She was crushed, but not entirely surprised and she struggled to understand how he could be so cruel on such a special day.
In normal, healthy relationships, being together during the special moments builds intimacy and trust. It’s how relationships grow and evolve. Most of us get that life is made up of these special moments. They are what make life worth living. But when you’re a self-centered ego maniac, you fear these moments. You don’t really want to do something that acknowledges someone else’s uniqueness, nor do you want to celebrate a day that isn’t all about you.
Buying your partner a Birthday present, Christmas present or a Valentine’s Day gift is an acknowledgement that there is an actual relationship, this is something the boomerang Narcissist tends to avoid. They are intimacy dodgers. Their preference is always relationship ambiguity, so you never know where you stand with them.
Boomerang Narcissists do a number of things to keep the relationship at a level where they feel comfortable. If you’re involved with a Boomerang Narcissist you can expect that they will:
- Do everything in their power to avoid intimacy. This means picking fights when things seem to be getting too close for them, blow hot and cold, disappear for stretches of time, blame you for everything to avoid having the finger pointed at them.
- They keep the relationship ambiguous, so you never know where you stand with them. Being in a relationship means acknowledging the relationship, being respectful, and being committed. A Boomerang Narcissist does none of these things – or they do them sporadically, so you’re getting nothing but mixed signals. These mixed signals allow them to get what they want, but also dodge responsibility for their behavior. You might be left crying asking, ‘how could you do this to me on my birthday?’ This ambiguity allows them to say without guilt, ‘we’re not a couple.’
- Boomerang Narcissists don’t like it when you have great expectations of them. Lowering your expectations is a by-product of them avoiding intimacy and keeping the relationship ambiguous. When they disappear at the drop of a hat, they are teaching you that you can never trust them, or depend on them – so you learn that you can’t and you adjust your thinking and your behavior to suit them. When they take responsibility for nothing, they are teaching you that they can’t be shamed, or made to feel bad for their behavior and that if you don’t like the way things are – you can leave.
- They are lazy for the most part. They want as much as they can get for the least amount of effort. Thinking about you and what you might want and then going to get it and pay for it, is way too much effort, for someone that likes to get something for nothing. Holidays mean thinking of others and giving. This is a very difficult thing for a Narcissist to do, considering they really only like to think about themselves.
We all have a breaking point when it comes to our Narcissists. Ditching her and disappearing before Christmas, for the second time, was Gabriella’s. She recognized the pattern and realized that if she stayed with him, all she could expect was more of the same in the future . Her Narcissist had taught her, that he couldn’t be trusted, or depended on for anything. Even when she stressed just how much she was looking forward to it, he would still disappoint her every time.
Once she understood that she was not responsible for his outbursts and his disappearing, she was able to see that this was a problem unique to him and it had nothing to do with her.
“If I would have stayed I would have started breaking up with him before a holiday, just because I knew it was coming and then I could beat him to the punch line and not be left standing there disappointed as usual.” —Gabriella
Being with someone that doesn’t understand the importance of special moments, who refuses to share them with you and who is seemingly allergic to reciprocity, is not a good emotional investment. Many long-term Narcissists are completely content and even prefer staying home alone over Christmas, rather than spending time with you, or getting together with their family or yours.
The key is spotting the flags and the patterns of behavior. When a Narcissist picks a fight and disappears before a special event, what they are communicating is:
I don’t do kindness, I don’t do intimacy. I don’t do reciprocity. I don’t care what it means to you, or how much you’ve done for me. I’m afraid of relationships I’m afraid of getting close. I won’t make this a real relationship by acknowledging it. I won’t take any responsibility for anything and I will always think of myself first. Take it or leave it.
If you’ve spent this Christmas without your partner again, you’ve just witnessed the Narcissist’s Amazing Holiday Houdini Act, recognize it for what it is and make sure that by the time the next holiday rolls around that you’re the one with the new trick up your sleeve and do your own disappearing act.
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My Narcissist did it to me a year ago, we were perfectly ok on dic 23, then he totally disappear on Christmas, which is worst, the 26 I had an important final exam for my Master (I live in China, no break for XMas) . He just disappear from the map without a reason.
I met a horrific narc on pof 12/15. My first clue that he was abnormal was 3 weeks later, on Christmas. He called me and I mentioned I was having difficulty finding a restaurant that was open. Although I was just minutes from his area, he didn’t invite me over, even for a drink. Later that night, he called to say he cooked a 18 lb turkey for himself and two roommates!
In several months of dating, he never once let me inside his home, though he does own it (I checked). We had to use motels. No, he is not married (I checked). I believe he doesn’t bring unimportant dates to his home since he’s a player.
He asked to be exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend early on. He had a million excuses and all the right words, but no actions (such as inviting me to his house when we fought about it). He gave me nothing for any holiday, ignored Valentine’s day, and forgot my birthday by calling a day late and doing nothing for it anyway. Good riddance to these uncaring, cold excuses for humans. They will use you and never be there for you!
This is a revelation and it has hit me! I am sitting here, the night before our holiday, upset, that he announded he is getting up very early and going to work – instead of getting up, having breakfast with me and setting off on holiday. He ruins every holiday (how could I forget the last one?!) by suddenly disrupting something at the last minute. He will turn up ready to set off later this morning in a bad mood and pick a fight – which means I won’t be able to be happy during our break. So I now know why he does this. I have organised everything – fun things for his little boy – all things he approved of, until tonight, the night before we set off – suddenly he says it’s all boring and he doesn’t want to do those things he wants to stay in and watch dvd’s. Actually I’d have left a long time ago but his son (my stepson) needs me. If he was my son, I’d have left. But I have no rights – and he seems to like it like that – another point your article made very well.
A wonderfully helpful post to read less than a week past a very disappointing Valentine’s day where my Houdini guy (cannot call him a boyfriend) was called into work — having signed up to cover the shift of a colleague who probably wanted to be with his family or spouse on Valentine’s day. My guy happily used this as an excuse to be busy and exhausted, and then asked me to come over for a late booty call, where his ‘gift’ was nothing more than the privilege of sex with him.
Thank you for so many well-written posts. This weekend the same guy is away consoling an ex whose father passed away. Now I see that what he’s actually doing is, under the guise of caring (her dad did indeed pass away — I saw the obituary in the paper) he is getting to bathe in some reliable old supply and is most likely sleeping with her.
I am only four months into this but we’ve cycled predictably from the two month ‘hot pursuit” phase — I rejected him at first and he pursued e like a madman — to the slide into devaluation.
Thank you for making me aware of these textbook patterns.
Sending strength and support to all those out there seeking the courage to step over the body and walk free.
The names were changed in this article, right?
So true! Our first holiday together was Valentines and he did an outstanding job of card and gift buying. That was the one and only time! We were just one month into the relationship at that point. Later that same year, he bought an expensive car on my birthday for himself, but didn’t even get me a card! That was just the tip of the iceberg! In our off and on two years he ruined every holiday and when I made plans for us to do something he picked a fight and canceled! I only see this in retrospect after reading all of these posts! I bought him a drive in an Indy Car for our first Christmas and then he broke up with me 2 weeks before he was going to Ft.Worth to use it and took someone else and then sent me pictures! It was like twisting the knife in my heart! I see now that he had to be the one in charge all the time and he would accuse me of being a control freak if I planned something. He didn’t want to spend time with my kids saying they ran my life. He hated that I talked to my Ex, even though I have 4 children with him and would he pitched a fit if I went to a family get together, or if they texted or called! Wow! My eyes are wide open now!
Aha ! over the last 2yrs. Mine has ruined every holidayand birthday. including being with my children. I haven’t spent a holiday or birthday with my kids in the last 2 yrs. Including this past mothers day My kids spent it with my ex and his girlfriend.I ended up being alone because as usual he started a huge fight with me 2 days before and left and stayed at hotel for weekend. Now I’m with him in his hometown for thanksgiving and I cant wait to see what Happens. I plan on leain right after the holiday. Hopefully It’ll be for good.
Jenn for the love of god I pray you did leave and be with your children.
Wow Christmas was ALWAYS a struggle for me with the Narc. I love Christmas and this was a huge annoyance for me. Just another ah ha moment! Thanks for your blogs. Been reading them all and they ALL hit the nail on the head!
I met this great girl we had our 1st Christmas together, I always go with smaller easier holidays other big dysfunctional events. My dad has a meltdown on every holiday, she told me her family was critical (true) & didn’t help out much. Was the most relaxing holiday she ever had if I remember correctly. Never saw her on a holiday again.
To a “T”. He disappeared just before what would have been our second Christmas together. The final vanishing act happened at the end of last October (the pattern is the disappearances get longer). Well, he’s gone for good now. And I have kept No Contact in place for 6 months – not going anywhere I might see him (thankfully there’s only one place like that).
Also he didn’t like getting presents either. Getting a present confers a kind of obligation, after all.
He was clinically paranoid, and thought people were poisoning him. Well, I feel poisoned by having been with him – all my hope and trust rotted away. And it makes me angry that I can’t just dismiss him from my mind, that I have to live with this for as long as it takes.
I just got out of a close call with a narcissistic type. What’s confusing to me is that he would go on and on about hos HIS ex was a narcissist and how he suffered, and is still suffering 10 years later, from her abuse. Anyone else experience this duality with someone?
I was also in love with a narcissist and this post was bringing back the memories to me. But it is a good remembrance, not to do this to myself any more. One thing is true- they never change, and all you can do is get away and devote to a better life and new loves.
Mine would promise me that he was going to be giving me money to help buy the kids presents or pay the bills, so I could buy them presents. Then he would make SURE that didn’t happen, and I was broke and destitute for Christmas – they aren’t his kids. Luckily, I learned early on not to trust his word, especially where money and holidays were concerned. So I would have Christmas for my kids anyway. He would be unavailable for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and then inevitably show up a few days later. This last time, he looked at the aftermath of our Christmas, toys everywhere, candy, etc, and said, “I never got this as a kid.” He couldn’t hide the envy in his voice. That’s the same exact reason he would give me when he let me down financially right before the holidays too – “The kids should be happy they have each other, I didn’t get a bunch of toys for Christmas. One year I got a coat, and that was it!” Another Christmas Eve, we were on and off but I made the mistake of thinking he would be merry. He pushed me down after drinking half the bottle of wine I got from work as a Christmas gift. Then he pushed me out of the door without my coat. He called me 20 minutes later to tell me to come back and get my coat and wine. When I got there, he had drank all the wine. He has the nerve to text me “Merry Christmas Sweets” the next morning.
Reading this post was difficult. I’ve been married to a narcissist for almost 12 years. We’ve NEVER had a pleasant holiday or vacation. Every situation posted at this writing, I’ve experienced. Actually, I only have a handful of memories which are good and the majority of those were before we were married. I’m definitely co-dependent. My value is based on the people/animals I’ve helped. Knowing this has helped me deal with toxic relatives and supposed friends, but not with my marriage. Wonder why? For me, it’s over. I hate him with all my heart. I’ve even went so far as to retain an attorney (2yrs ago), yet I’m still here?!?!?!?! Why? Fear of the unknown. Fear that I wont make it financially. Fear I won’t be able to care for those who rely on me. The economy is bad. Give me another 2 hours and I’ll have a lot more excuses. I haven’t worked since we married with the exception of starting a wonderful business I was passionate about. One he destroyed once it was obvious I was successful. Did it alone. No help from anyone including my husband so he’d feel secure due to his self esteem issues constantly accusing me of having affairs and all sorts of crazy things I’d never even conceive of doing. Turns out he was accusing me of all the things HE was doing. Now I know that what ever he accuses me of, I can be assured it’s what he’s up to at the moment. After reading every self help book on the market to “improve” myself, I learned it wasn’t me after all. Not in the sense of the things he was doing, although I’ll admit I had become quite good at being passive aggressive. Also gambled to relieve anxiety. So I’m far from perfect. 😉 Didn’t think anyone knew, but people are smarter than you think. They knew, and I was so ashamed, I buried my head in the sand and decided it was easier not to have friends. Better to be hated than pitied. I was lucky to have two friends who refused to let me hide. They have been my lifeline. They also let me know I didn’t need a pity party because I was having a huge party all by myself. That was an eye opener. But I’m still here!?!?!?! No savings, even though my husband makes an incredible amount of money. I’ve saved throughout the years, but not enough to live on my own. Living this way has caused me so much stress I no longer have an immune system. I’ve been treated for serious medical issues but am finally feeling better. He knows. He knows I hate him. He knows I want out. He’s bent over backwards to hoover me back in the game. I’m so numb, none of it works anymore. I’m still here, but I want out. I’ve been so isolated…..we’ve moved 7 times because of his insecurities. Each place more isolating than the last. At this time, I am literally living on top of mountain and cannot see, nor do I know any of my neighbors. I’m not saying this for any sympathy. I let it happen. I stayed even when I knew he would never change. I’m saying this because the co-dependent part of me would like to see those who still have a chance to see what your future would most certainly resemble if you buy into this Narcissistic bullshit. They have no feelings. No matter what you do, it will always be your fault. I no longer care if it’s my fault. I don’t care if he hates me for the rest of his life. I no longer care to “help” him in any way. I just want out. So now what? Where do I start? What does the world look like out there? Are people truly happier or have they traded one hell for another? Lord, I could go on and on for months and not finish. Actually, it’s the biggest reason why I’m not divorced yet. My attorney wanted me to document every single thing that has happened from day one. It was too much. The exhaustion was insurmountable by the time I got to year three. I’ll be 50 this year. I’m no longer scared of being alone. There is no way I’d ever risk another relationship after this one, but am worried about the kids and all the animals…..I live on a farm so there are many. They are not a burden, they’re what actually keeps me going. But if I could do it all over again……. I’d run. I’d run as fast as I could and never look back. Thanks for listening. So many people posting on here…. unbelievable. Bottom line, there’s no hope for a narcissist. EVER! They’re unfix-able. You can’t fix something that was never there. On a good note, I am leaving. I can’t change the past, but I can start from here and change the ending. That much I know. Now, where to start? Good question.
It’s Called Alimony. Go for it. Half is yours. Keep the house and make him pay for it. Better get strong, it won’t be easy, but you can do it. If your hate can fuel you, use it, then let it go when you’re done.
This rings so many bells and brings back the memories of the many things he ruined for me.
I dated my ex Narc for 10 long months. We started dating last year right before Thanksgiving. (He caught me at the perfect time, I was lonely and vulnerable and he was looking for someone to bed down with for the holidays.) He asked me to join him for Thanksgiving, I didn’t have my kids that year so it worked. I thought it was perfect, but now I see it was only because… 1. We had just started dating and 2. He didn’t have to share me with my family. It was all about HIM.
We made plans for Christmas Eve, as planned every year with my kids’ father, it was my year to have them Christmas day. So I spent Christmas Eve with him and his daughters. All was well until it was time for him to share me with my children and my family. He was supposed to come with me but ended up making it extremely hard for me to get to my kids on time. He ended up throwing a fit and said he wasn’t coming and I was left making excuses to my family as to why I left him behind. He monopolized my time with my kids the entire day via text message, fighting with me the whole time we were apart.
He ruined New Years, my birthday, he planned a couple of trips and would do countless things to provoke a fight prior to us leaving, then tell ME that I was just trying to start drama so I wouldn’t have to go with him. I thought I was going crazy.
He ruined my daughter’s HS graduation. A couple of my childrens birthdays. And countless days, weeks and months in between.
4 months ago I broke it off with him for good. He started stalking and harrassing me when I went No Contact… so I slapped a Civil Stalking Injunction on his ass and it has been a very peaceful 3 months since. He even breathes in my direction for the next 3 years, he’ll be charged and sent to jail.
It was my only defense against the psychopathic/narcissist, pathological lying man-whore that he really is.
The only closure that I have with that whole mess is that I know I’ll move on and find the right person and be happy. He, on the other hand, will continue to live his miserable existence that he’s lived his entire 40 years he’s been alive.
I would like to thank Savannah for giving me the gift of knowledge and insight of narcissistic relationships. I have been dating a man I met online for 3 months. He was always running hot and cold, and just disappeared the week before the holidays telling me they depress him and he doesn’t want to pretend to be happy. His text messages have stopped(the only way he communicates). The red flags have been there and luckily I did not have too much invested yet in this relationship. I realize now he is a narcissist and must not have contact with him again. I also have insight into my past relationship of 5 years that left me emotionally and financially drained, as did my marriage of 25 yrs. I now have the knowledge to see the patterns of past relationships. This new insight and knowledge will help guide me thru my healing process along with savannahs blogs to make me a stronger person and seek the healthy relationships I am so deserving of. Thank You Savannah from the bottom of my heart God Bless you.
I was on and off with my narc for nine years. I was going thru a nasty divorce so he didn’t think his mom would approve of our relationship until it was final. So narc #1 ex husband got me on dragging out the divorce while narc #2 took advantage of it to get out of sharing holidays. First two Christmases were still great as were NYE. He never really seemed to believe in valentine’s day and the last one we shared together was the most abusive of my life. I had two young kids one of whom spent her summers near the coast to do an internship at an aquarium where my sister lives. We spent every fourth of July there as well as Thanksgiving – he came once for Thanksgiving but was never invited back because he behaved so badly toward me. My family was basically done with him after that. Two years ago after playing the houdini act twice on our anniversary, he pulled the rug out from under me six days before xmas again – for the last time. He got mad when he bought me a gift and basically pulled an argument out of the air so that he could return the gift. At this point, I had done some research and literally called him out for being a narc. He replaced me shortly afterwards. Last year was so hard to get thru but this year I realized how lucky I am not to have every holiday overshadowed by this sick man. I am still alone and have been discovering what I need to be happy and it’s certainly not to be more lonely with someone than without someone. NAHHA free and enjoying life again! I wish it for all of you too.
We we’re together for two years and during that time we spent only one holiday together. It was Independence Day and even on that day he just wanted to stay home and watch t.v. When I tried to include him in other holidays he would never commit to being with me or he would make other plans and not include me. At the time I knew something was wrong about his behavior but I didn’t know what until now.
Reading this post and everyone’s comments brought back so many memories of UGH with my Narc. The holidays are stressful for everyone, but I swear no one can ruin a special occasion or holiday the way that a Narc can. We all deserve a medal for living through it!
My Narc was actually fine on Thanksgiving, Christmas and NYE, because we always went to HIS mother’s house and spent time with his family. Because my family is so far away, when I was with him I spent the holidays with his family by default.
But any other day or occasion, if there was an event that involved “my people” — MY friends or co-workers — he did everything listed in this post. Started inane fights. Canceled at the last possible minute. He even outright stormed out of a restaurant grand opening event, once I told him that two co-workers–who had been wanting to meeting him–were on their way there. His excuse for leaving the event? The waiter was dismissive toward him.
I have different theories about why my Narc did this, aside from having intimacy issues or quite possibly finding an excuse to disappear to see a member of his harem:
#1). Bringing him around my circle of people means he would have had to step out of his milieu, his safety bubble of friends and admirers. He could not charm these people, and many of my friends saw right through him, and I think he knew this — that he wasn’t going to be around people who would excessively praise him or declare him to be cool.
#2). If I arranged the evening and was around people that cared me, that presented an opportunity for me to receive attention and shine. He could not handle this, at all. How dare I be the center of attention and not him!
My Narc was the kind of guy that even got upset when I wanted to talk to vendors at farmers markets, shop owners, etc. He would complain and even try to (in a sly way) pull me away from people that I wanted to talk to, or something that I wanted to look at. He didn’t want me to have anyone’s attention, or to have my attention focused on something or someone that was not him.
#3) He used canceling on events as a form on control over me. And it worked, because I have to attend many functions for work.
One afternoon — a day that I had a dinner planned that I had been looking forward to for two weeks — I got mad at him for doing something that hurt my feelings and I called him out on it. I left the house and went on about my day. I came home later to get ready for the event and found him at home, stewing. An hour before we had to leave, he canceled, saying I had “attacked” him earlier. He knew I had no possible way to find a new plus-one at the last minute. I knew that if I went by myself, he would have blown up my phone the whole night, grilling me about what I was doing and with whom. I couldn’t win.
Yikes, another long post! Looks like this was a big-time grievance I had to air.
Bottom line is, people MAKE THE TIME for the things and people that are important to them. The man or woman who claims to love you will do their hardest to attend an event that is important to you. Or if they cannot or do not want to go, they will decline upfront and explain why with a GOOD reason, like an adult should — not throw a tantrum like a child.
My ex-husband who was a cerebral narcissist would sabotage Christmas by picking some random fight, but when questioned later he would say “how could I go to your family Christmas when we aren’t getting along, it would feel phony”.
My present ex BF was somatic narcissist. He would want to go to every family event for all the attention he could pull towards himself. He would pit me against certain people, like my sister in law. And then step back and watch.
This Christmas since he wasn’t there things went smoothly.
Well, my Narc always did holidays–big time. Presents galore (except the year I started leaving him.) I’m gone now, and, yep, didn’t he show up with a bunch of presents (seems there’s slim pickings out there.) I returned them. He’s been as good as gold with every encounter for the past month–after I finally became detached and didn’t care one way or the other. But he has put me on a pedestal again. So I remind myself to stay away and read old journals of when he was so mean and nasty and uncaring. He “loves me” now, you see. And I can just be done and he can go looking elsewhere, which he will again as soon as I maintain the No Contact for long enough. I compare the contact to my throwing bits of meat over the side of the boat for the shark. Only if I stop–totally–will he leave. (unless he discovers a good source elsewhere–and then he will still do a swim-by if the pickings get low or he gets bored. Thanks, Savannah, for keeping reminding us of the nature of the beast. I have not a single reason in the world to choose to spend time with him. 🙂
Wow!!!!! I did feel a bit sad at times this holiday going through a divorce after a very long term relationship with N/P/S. Not really sure which as I am not a therapist so whichever shoe fits. This explains why he always went shopping last minute, bought things he wanted for me and caused fights or turmoil when going to his family or my families houses for special occasions. He was always late with the work excuse even our own kids birthday parties. I can’t believe I was sad the kids were so happy and we all had fun with relatives. It was so peaceful and fun. I guess I have been so conditioned over the years I just didn’t know it was ok to feel good. This article helped so much, great reminder of the abusive turmoil and rage that is now gone. He hoovered before the holiday then nothing not even to his children it truly is all about them!!! Thank you again!!!!!
This post was right on the money with what I experienced with my ex husband–a mean cerebral narc AND my ex BF, a somatic narc. Cerebral caused a fights on the way to family’s or friend’s homes for holidays (and vacations) and I ended up looking like a morose ‘bitch’ to everyone. My somatic narc ex BF pulled doozies on both Xmas and NY Eve. Our first Xmas, just as I was about to serve our meal, he up and surprised me with the news he was leaving to ‘go deliver a gift to the owner our gym’. I was livid and of course knew that was subterfuge. (He went to his ‘former’ GF’s house). He finally returned to my home 7 hrs later—very drunk….and expecting meal to be reheated–didn’t happen. Non-refundable reservations had been made for dinner and dancing on NY Eve. (I was paying–I paid for EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING while he contributed nothing but deceit and sorry). We went as planned. Admittedly it was the most fun I had ever had. I felt like the most wanted belle of the ball, dancing the night away held close in his admiring arms. The magic of the evening evaporated soon after the stroke of midnight. After receiving his kisses, words of love and our bright future, I excused myself to the ladies room. Upon my return I was told he had gotten a phone call– his best friend had been injured in a car crash and N was needed to ‘come watch the kids’. He rushed me back to my home and dropped me off (refusing to change out of his tux). He didn’t return for 4 days. (He was at the ‘former’ GF’s house). Once his friend learned of his name being used in this ruse to deceive and hurt me, he broke off all communication with N. N has lost EVERY ONE of his long term friends due to his deceitful, demeaning and shameless behavior.
The very night I met him a red flag popped up. He told me that if we happened to become a couple I should expect his ‘lunatic former girlfriend to be jealous and try to get between us’–a rather odd thing to say at a first meeting. I know now that was setting up the first stage of triangulation—-on the our very first date!
I had to evict him because he would not leave–he had no job or money, no car, no friends or family willing to take him in. He ended up in a homeless shelter. I had warned him many times his multi-level disruptive and disrespectful behavior was not to be tolerated or he would be in that exact situation–but he didn’t believe me.
I discovered he was on two dating sites and contacted them; informing that they did not want a predatory physically abusive alcoholic parasite on their sites. My words were believed and they banned him permanently. That effectively put him out of business and will make it far harder for him to find another victim.
@not again — JEEZ. Your story. I am SO glad you got away from the both of them!
My Narc also made vacations unpleasant. I will never forget when he booked a luxurious weekend in Tahoe (which I accepted because I wanted his broke ass to finally pay for SOMETHING) and he was jerk to me the moment he picked me up from the airport and the entire 3 hour drive there. Same thing on the drive back. I was tired and fell asleep in the passenger’s seat. He screamed at me to wake up. He was angry at me for sleeping. Even though I was tired, I was supposed to look at the scenery and admire it BECAUSE HE COULDN’T. Just when I thought he couldn’t be any crazier, he was jealous that he couldn’t admire the scenery when he insisted on driving.
Nice to hear of a story where the victim becomes the winner… and the N gets hosed like he should! Right on!!
LMAO! First of all I hope you had a happy Narcissist-free holiday. Normally I would have been upset reading this blog, however, having NAHHA for 6 years now, I had to laugh. That is a good sign. In 6 yrs we’ve spent one holiday together. He always sabotages planned events by getting drunk and abusive and I am left alone. I realize now, it is a blessing to be alone and I’m reinforcing NO CONTACT for 3 consecutive months now. He’s still trying to get back. NOT THIS TIME, LOSER! thank you for enlightening me that Narcs sabotage family events because ‘IT’S NOT ABOUT THEM!” how selfish!
Thank you Savannah and all the others. It really helps not to feel alone. This time of year is really difficult for many reasons: the end of the year and perhaps some regrets, some inventory of time gone by and the new year, and the anticipation of better future or apprehension of unresolved issues from last year. Whatever it is it’s not easy when one is in a recovery process, in building new supposedly better life. It’s hard to just go with the flow, party, pretend nothing happened, just have fun! But it’s good to know that I am not the only one! It’s good to hear from other people that they went through similar experiences, they survived, they are happy to grow and change. It’s good to know that it’s not easy but it can be done just like other people did it. Thank you!
Thanks Savannah! Re. Christmas holidays and other events like that…this time last year I remember that my ex Narcissist came to my house where we had dinner and a lovely evening together. The next morning he left, and when I asked him what he was going to do for New Year’s he said, ‘Oh I don’t know, probably not a lot.’ Later that day he told me on the phone he would go for a drink with his eldest brother.
New Year’s I got a brief message – no kisses, nothing. Later that week I saw the photographs on Facebook of the ‘queit New Year’s Eve’ he had had: surrounded by women from his fitness club, the centre of attraction, the party in full swing. Later that day, he lied to me about his whereabouts, before I told him that I knew he was a fake and a liar.
Later this year..(and it took me to long) I dumped him..dumping his belongings outside my door. Hardest thing I ever did, but necessary.
Happy New Year to All! (but not him!!)
He’s welcome now to all those women he surrounded himself him with – this is my main advice to any woman who meets a guy like this: RUN, RUN, RUN, and NEVER look back, and if he contacts you (because there is good chance he will) just IGNORE him. That will be the thing that will hurt him more than words can say – by ignoring him, for ever.
Everytime a holiday came up, or Xmas there was an argument.Blamed it on me each time. He went to bed on Xmas Day in the middle of the family dinner because I didn’nt like his daughter. Left me 2 years ago on my Birthday blaming me again – for another one of his women.
Now in the middle of an acromious divorce because he want’s the roof over my head. The house that I paid for. They are cruel, vile creatures of the Devil.Have no remorse or feelings. I rue the day when I married the man in the mask. Goood Karma for 2015
Savannah, I can so relate to this article. My former narc doesn’t do holidays – he’ll tell you that up front. I never had a good understanding as to why, but I do now. He would also pick fights when things were going smoothly, just to create drama, and play one woman against another when he could. Right before a trip he would start a fight and go into radio silence so I wasn’t sure if the trip was still on – I learned after a couple years that yes, the trip was still happening but who wants to live that way. Thanks for making everything clear, and making me glad I’m no longer part of this unhealthy relationship. PS he’s with someone new now and I am avoiding any contact with him since it’s obviously he would use any contact with me to stress her.
My ex-husband would start fights with me on the way to dinner at friends’ houses always! He would berate and browbeat me all the way there so that I felt like a worm when we got there. Looking back I think he did it for the above anti-intimacy thing but also so that I was so low by the time we got to the party, I wouldn’t say much when we got there. He would be the shining star with the mousey wife.
Oh my, this hit me right between the eyes. I started reading this post with someone in mind who is having a lot of trouble with her bloke. And then, boom, there it was! The exact problem with my own relationship! I have been in a “relationship” with a guy for over 5 years. In that time we have spent one Christmas together (out of 6) and I have never seen him on my birthday, ever! And he spends Christmas alone every year.
I’ve got to say thank you Savannah for your marvellous insight into these creatures. I, like many others, get blamed for just about everything and through reading your blog posts, I am learning to accept that most of this crap isn’t even anything to do with me. And as for the argument thing, that’s so true, particularly at Christmas and birthdays. Thanks to you, at least I know I’m not alone 🙂
Happy New Year to you!
My father was in my life and out of my life countless times, till he died. On many an occassion I had enough of his cruelty, such as the time he came to my house and put my Old English sheepdog in his trunk to drive into the wilderness up north. Know that because the girl who lived on the second floor of the house was crying on the porch steps because she had witnessed him putting my pet in the car trunk and he told her he was taking my dog Freedom to where all animals belong, to be let go in the woods. That long Thanksgiving weekend father was on his way to shut off the water in his cottage for the winter. That incident prompted me to quit my job, give up my house and move 600 miles away from him. We did not speak for years. After such cruelties he would use my acquaintances to get me back, so convincing that I did eventually imagine/hope the parent had remorse. He would also become quite generous, purchased a vehicle for me as a birthday slash Christmas present. A dozen years later the same thing, he and my stepmother beat me up because I would not give them my Pembroke Welsh Corgi puppy. They invited me to same cottage and insisted I bring the puppy, then demanded I leave my puppy. The stepmother started the physical, I did not dare fight back as I knew that would make things worse. While on the floor being booted by my father and ****** I managed to crawl to the phone on a side table and get 911 dialed. When the police came the stepmother answered the door, with a professional what do we do with this incorrigible girl attitude, and I got thrown in jail (yet was the only one with huge bruises forming and torn clothes). Another 7 years we did not speak. My brother came from Germany to visit for the first time and my father reached out to me to join my brother at their house, father had sold the cottage, in Muskoka. I made a lot of conditions,in essense no nastiness. All were broken. I left very shortly after arrival. Father purchased a house in Victoria Harbour to prevent my brother from going back to Germany. I sent my brother a Christmas card to that house purchased in my father’s and brother’s name. Got registered mail from my father on my birthday which was a Christmas card stating do not send mail with my brother’s house address. Yes any celebrations are used to manipulate and control. Sorry for the long post. My brother died this year, after just turning 50. Never did get to really know him. When it is family so much more difficult to be blase about the relationship. Without intent my father did me a favor. In retrospect the small interactions I did have with my brother were revealing a more devious, sadistic and charming psychopath.