Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her – DSM 4
When Jealousy speaks, it says, “I want what you have.” When envy speaks it says, “I don’t want you to have it.” For a Narcissist both aspects of greed come in to play. Envy is that spark of evil inside the narcissist, that is responsible for that insatiable longing that is never satisfied.
Envy fuels their behavior and brings out the absolute worst in them. It spurs their conniving and plotting antics, to trick you into giving in to them, or giving up something. It’s their your pain for their ego. Your abuse for their pleasure.
Anger is always simmering deep below the surface. It needs to possess and control. If I had what you have my life would be better. Why do you have it and I don’t? I deserve – because I am special. You do not – you are inferior. The anger is born of their inability to have and maintain control of their lives and the people in them. The story below is a good example.
Love at the Mall
Several years back an NDP client told me about a situation he experienced that was very telling about a Narcissist’s inner workings. He explained that he went to the mall to buy a pair of jeans. As he walked through the busy complex his eye touched on a young, attractive couple smiling and kissing.
At that moment he explained that a rage soared through him and that he felt the urge to strike them.
“What made you so angry?” I asked.
“They looked so beautiful and happy,” he explained. “I want a relationship like that, but I know I never will and I hated them for it. I wanted to hurt them and make them feel miserable.”
Narcissist have difficulty with the concept of other people’s happiness, especially when they themselves are in such a state of misery. They would rather destroy the ex who hurt them, rather than watch them walk away and lead a happy life.
Envy is the driving factor behind the, “If I can’t have you, no one will,” mentality. Their general mindset is, rather than watch others have and experience what they cannot, they would rather watch the world burn. Bringing others to the point of pain and misery, seems to, in a bizarre way bring them a twisted sense of relief.
On the flip side, their grandiose sense of self, supports the belief that they are special and unique and that others are envious of them. They are so beautiful that others want to be them or be like them. They are so brilliant that others are dazzled by their intellect.
This mindset can create in the narcissist, a paranoid belief that others are out to get them and that they are victims of their rival’s evil plots against them.
Because they lack insight into their own thoughts and behaviors, their mind creates complex delusions of grandeur that negate their own ineptitude and inflates their antagonist’s motives and actions against them.
Fantasy: I got fired from my job because my boss is jealous of me and wanted to take credit for my work.
Reality: I got fired because I was late everyday and did not get my work completed accurately or in a timely fashion.
Fantasy: I’m so hot that I got fired because the boss didn’t want me around his wife, everyone knows she wants me.
Reality: I got fired because I was ineffective at my job and did not get along with my co-workers.
Envy is the big motivator behind a Narcissist’s most malicious and hurtful behaviors. Because they themselves are in a constant state of pain and despair, harming others and bringing them to the same feelings of hurt, brings them a perverted sense of joy. They are such poor losers that ending any type of relationship with them can be detrimental to your well-being on many levels. We’ve all heard stories about employees that have been fired coming back to their former place of employment with a gun, ready to bring the hurt.
The same behaviors are witnessed in breaking up with a Narcissist. Shows like Dateline, Surviving Evil and 20/20 are full of Narcissists whose egos could not handle the loss of control and the concept that their ex is moving on and happy without them. Envy is dangerous. It can be deadly in the wrong hands. Which is why having an understanding about just what you’re dealing with is essential, before planning your break-up.
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Hello, when I read this, I feel like I’m the narc : “They would rather destroy the ex who hurt them, rather than watch them walk away and lead a happy life”. I really do not wish to see my ex be happy with someone. He was abusive and I would be totally destroyed to know he enjoys happy times with someone. That wouls mean I was the problem, as he said I was.
It is so appalling how jealous my N partner is of my children. I see jealousy streaks in him from time to time directed at his siblings (they are all in their late 40’s) especially his twin sister. But, I never expect him to be jealous of the time I spend with my children. He now tells me that he will refuse to allow them to bring their phones to my house when they ‘visit’ me when they grow up and leave home. (They are currently 14 and 12, and he does not live with me). How do I make him see that being jealous of people is pointless and being jealous of my children and trying to control how I spend time with them is not healthy? I’m currently being ignored, back in that cycle of desperation because I left last night when he started with his verbal put downs….
I think you need to stiffen your backbone and start saying NO to this bully. No one can take advantage of you without your consent. NO is not a four-letter word. You are not a bad person for using it.
Lots of women are taught to be submissive and no is ugly. You must be quiet, sweet and never say that ugly NO word. You’re supposed to hedge and make excuses. Then everybody will see what a sweet girl you are, and nobody will want to be mean to you. Right? It is a dangerous lie.
Say NO. NO is beautiful. It will free you.
Use “bean dipping” to stop bullies who don’t want to take no for ananswer. Bean Dipping is the art of refusing to back down and discuss something you’ve already refused. Keep offering the bean dip and refuse to discuss it example:
Bully: you need to work the church social on Friday.
You: Sorry, I am not available
Bully: You can change your plans.
You: I said I can’t. Have you tried this bean dip?
Bully: Can I put you down for the 8-4 shift.
You: have you tried this bean dip?
Bully: I really need you for this
You: really, try some
Bully: you aren’t listening. I want you there Saturday.
You: it’s delicious. Try a bite.
Bully: you are being selfish. The church needs you.
You: how about some chips to go with this dip?
Bully: fine. I am willing to compromise. You can do 4 hours instead.
You: I MUST get the recipe for this dip! (Walk away)
Bean Dipping also works on whiney kids and jerkbosses. Work up to saying NO and not backing down.
Free yourself!
My psycho jerkaholic is in a medical building out of state. I left him & went no contact on 3/26/18. He has not done very much except bad mouth me. He tried to manipulate our eldest daughter to get me to start writing to him again. I told her to tell him to apologize for everything, write first & stop putting her in the middle. She recently brought me white sage to smudge for protection & gave me my birthstone for protection. That didn’t sit well with me. If he tries anything, the police will be called in!!
Envy is so poisonous. One of my siblings has it really bad and we have not been able to have a relationship of any kind in many years because she envies my closeness to our mother. Its so odd because she has everything and yet, I don’t thing everything is enough for her. I am watching her destroy her beautiful life with her manipulation and greed. When you work with NPD people, is there any hope for them? I found it a lot easier to move on from an N father and exes. Somehow when it is my baby sister (who is 40 so I know she is who she is) I can’t help but wonder if there is hope for her at all. Is it too late? Its really quite a miracle that out of 8 siblings and such a ruinous childhood we only have one N, but having done so much hard work to understand our father, I can’t help but now see her with compassion. Of course, we don’t speak! LOL But I still would like to have some hope. Is there any?
My biggest regret? Not planning my exit and being aware enough to know he would go all out to destroy me mentally and financially…
Why wouldn’t he? Our marriage was a playground for him, it was all about him and his destructiveness.
Thank you for the reminder, it helps !