Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her – DSM 4

When Jealousy speaks, it says, “I want what you have.” When envy speaks it says, “I don’t want you to have it.”  For a Narcissist both aspects of greed come in to play. Envy is that spark of evil inside the narcissist, that is responsible for that insatiable longing that is never satisfied.

Envy fuels their behavior and brings out the absolute worst in them. It spurs their conniving and plotting antics, to trick you into giving in to them, or giving up something. It’s their your pain for their ego. Your abuse for their pleasure.

Anger is always simmering deep below the surface. It needs to possess and control. If I had what you have my life would be better. Why do you have it and I don’t? I deserve – because I am special.  You do not – you are inferior. The anger is born of their inability to have and maintain control of their lives and the people in them.  The story below is a good example.

Love at the Mall

Several years back an NDP client told me about a situation he experienced that was very telling about a Narcissist’s inner workings. He explained that he went to the mall to buy a pair of jeans. As he walked through the busy complex his eye touched on a young, attractive couple smiling and kissing.

At that moment he explained that a rage soared through him and that he felt the urge to strike them.

“What made you so angry?” I asked.

“They looked so beautiful and happy,” he explained.  “I want a relationship like that, but I know I never will and I hated them for it.  I wanted to hurt them and make them feel miserable.”

Narcissist have difficulty with the concept of other people’s happiness, especially when they themselves are in such a state of misery. They would rather destroy the ex who hurt them, rather than watch them walk away and lead a happy life.

Envy is the driving factor behind the, “If I can’t have you, no one will,” mentality.   Their general mindset is, rather than watch others have and experience what they cannot, they would rather watch the world burn. Bringing others to the point of pain and misery, seems to, in a bizarre way bring them a twisted sense of relief.


On the flip side, their grandiose sense of self, supports the belief that they are special and unique and that others are envious of them. They are so beautiful that others want to be them or be like them. They are so brilliant that others are dazzled by their intellect.

This mindset can create in the narcissist, a paranoid belief that others are out to get them and that they are victims of their rival’s evil plots against them.

Because they lack insight into their own thoughts and behaviors, their mind creates complex delusions of grandeur that negate their own ineptitude and inflates their antagonist’s motives and actions against them.

Fantasy: I got fired from my job because my boss is jealous of me and wanted to take credit for my work.

Reality: I got fired because I was late everyday and did not get my work completed accurately or in a timely fashion.

Fantasy: I’m so hot that I got fired because the boss didn’t want me around his wife, everyone knows she wants me.

Reality: I got fired because I was ineffective at my job and did not get along with my co-workers.


Envy is the big motivator behind a Narcissist’s most malicious and hurtful behaviors. Because they themselves are in a constant state of pain and despair, harming others and bringing them to the same feelings of hurt, brings them a perverted sense of joy. They are such poor losers that ending any type of relationship with them can be detrimental to your well-being on many levels. We’ve all heard stories about employees that have been fired coming back to their former place of employment with a gun, ready to bring the hurt.

The same behaviors are witnessed in breaking up with a Narcissist. Shows like Dateline, Surviving Evil and 20/20 are full of Narcissists whose egos could not handle the loss of control and the concept that their ex is moving on and happy without them. Envy is dangerous. It can be deadly in the wrong hands. Which is why having an understanding about just what you’re dealing with is essential, before planning your break-up.

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