“I would hate to have friends over, especially around dinner time. Before every meal my father would preach to us. This wasn’t simply the saying of Grace. He would go on a tirade for ten minutes and this ranting would always include a request for God to show my mother the error of her ways.”- D. Muniz
This ‘religious’ theme in Narcissism comes up a lot. I am often surprised by the copious amounts of messages I receive on the subject. While they may seem like opposite ends of the spectrum, it does seem that religion and Narcissism really are a perfect match, but why is that?
“In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God.” – Line from the movie Braveheart
Let’s look at two fundamental characteristics of Narcissism, as outlined in the DSM IV:
•They have a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
•They believe that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Religion can be appealing to a Narcissist for a number of reasons. As a preacher a Narcissist would have followers, power, attention, admiration, importance in the community, special privileges and their behavior would be above reproach. You don’t have to look very far to see Narcissistic leaders in action. There’s a long list of insane cult leaders, including, David Koresh in Waco Texas, or Jim Jones, in Jonestown, who forced his followers to drink Kool Aid laced with cyanide, Osama Bin Laden, and all those creepy 70 year old polygamists, who marry 14 year old girls. Narcissism can easily be found in the clergy, preaching in religious establishment around the world and you can even find it when you turn on your television on Sunday mornings.
I am not saying that all religious leaders are Narcissists and I’m certainly not saying that all religious Narcissists strive to be preachers, but there is something very alluring about religion to a Narcissist.
For a Narcissist, it’s all about the allusion. If I am religious – if I can quote scripture – than I must be good – because people that read the bible are all good and if I am good and I know the word of God, that means that if you disagree with me, then you must be wrong.
Narcissists can be exceedingly charming as well. Their charisma and ability to manipulate is perfectly suited to a public occupation, bent on luring the masses.
The difference is that every truly great spiritual preacher has an innate ability to provide a scenario, which we can all relate to, which provides us with valuable life lessons, that we can incorporate into our daily lives – they are teachers, showing us how to grow and be better.
A Narcissist that quotes scripture, in contrast, uses it for very different reasons. It’s never used for the purpose of spiritual teaching, it’s used to manipulate and prove that they themselves are righteous and that you, who are not as special, not as gifted and not as deserving, should follow and trust them.
I’m sure that there are some Narcissists that do feel lost and go in search of God, but due to the nature of their impairment, the true essence of spirituality will always elude them.
We all know people that go to church every Sunday, but who in their everyday lives, are absolutely horrible people. These truly superficial individuals only care about how they are perceived and miss the message entirely.
My Grandfather was a very religious man. He even had a book published on religion and children. I almost go into a hysterical fit when I think of the vein, cruel little man that cheated on his wife and terrorized his entire family. He was a monster and damaged my mother, who in turn passed that damage onto me, but he wrote books on God and children – it’s almost comical.
Beware the Wolf
The very last Narcissist I dated was a boomerang-somatic Narcissist. After I ended my involvement with him, for the third time, he informed me that he had found God. He went to church every Sunday quite faithfully. He studied the Bible and even had scripture tattooed on his biceps. The only problem with that, was that his behavior hadn’t changed one iota.
Imagine how reassuring and disarming it would be for a new target, that the man that was sweeping her off her feet was religious. Quoting scripture and acting righteous are behaviors that easily evoke trust in others, because most of us still believe that religious people are generally good and trustworthy and behave in a moral and kind manner.
What his new target won’t realize, until it’s too late, is that these tattoos are just part of his costume, his façade, that is meant to fool and lull you into lowering your defenses.
For me, religion isn’t the same thing as spirituality. Religion is man-made. It is not about God, it’s open to interpretation, wars have been fought in its name, people have been put to death because of it. Religion excludes people, it makes us all believe that we are separate – where spirituality is inclusive – no one is left out, it brings us together and makes us all believe that we are one.
It baffles me sometimes when I watch the way that seemingly “religious” people treat others. To me, being spiritual is just about being kind and kind to everyone, even if they don’t look like you, or believe what you believe. It’s about walking the walk of your convictions, because all talk – especially religious talk, is cheap.
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Huh, what a godsend to find this article, no pun intended. I used to attend an Episcopal church run rife with narcissists. To the point I am afraid to set foot in a church. I have met SCORES of religious people who were nasty and abusive, seemingly comically unaware of their own foibles. I soon learned it’s just a hiding place for all of them (and I am a sinner ofc, but not a narcissist I don’t think).
It’s actually downright damn phucking frightening how churches seem to be just little tribes and cults run by narcissists surrounded by enablers. Grace Church, I’m looking at you, right down to the sexual harassment in its midst.
I will not return to a church anytime soon.
This article is so accurate! my cheating ex, narcissist was recently unmasked when his side chick contacted me to let me know that she had been in the background for 8 months. She shared his letters and their conversations. He used the same religious based love-bombing and future faking rituals on her that he had used to court me. Moreover, after he was unmasked, he changed his IG bio to this very same Isaiah quote as depicted above. How unoriginal and pathetically predictable!
Thank you for an enlightening article– one that confirms my suspicion that narcissists cloak themselves in religion. Not all of us religious people are narcissistic, but we are certainly devastated by those among us who are.
And how easily fooled are we by those who present themselves religious– I have found that marriage takes MUCH MORE than just common religion for the spouses to get along.
Your point is spot-on: the narcissist cares about the external appearance of piety while destroying those she lives with.
It is a painful, disorienting, and lonely walk, trying to get someone in a religious circle to comprehend the damage that a narcissist does. Too many are too quick to quote scripture and pass it off as you needing virtue, faith, patience, or perseverance while the narcissist at home remains unchallenged and unfettered. They preach at you, the victim, to keep you in-line, never considering your enemy’s attrocities.
Although this article does not offer solutions, it is a breath of fresh air for those of us afflicted in similar situations. Thanks again.
It could also be Western Buddhist converts to yoga and meditation and Muslims its in every religion Jewish paganism witches and satanism all crave power special treatment and admiration they get off on this
I have to admit to being a novice and , perhaps prime target for Narcissistic/Religious demeaning in this department. While I take full range blame for being vulnerable and ultimately willing , in a terrible situation, I have to add that knowing the family history, going to High School with and what I thought was true discernment, has broken my heart. First of all, I never knew narcissism could consist of such cowards. People who used other means to come across as a “ silent” savior or warrior. I am baffled. It has been a full yr of a turbulent friendship that I felt was indirectly helping one another with some deep rooted issues. When I found out the truth, it is like someone, who I had known for 35 yrs never existed. They must want to continue in this behavior while trying to “ save me”. Very gallant, but so full of hypocrisy, I am over whelemed with grief. Oh, I am not a saint. Biggest sinner of them all, but able to say it, ask for forgiveness from God and who ever else. I will only say one thing- my love ( in Christ) and prayer, will never die. I made a promise. And I don’t go back on those. We all have issues and habits to burn. But to lie, pushes healing so much further away. And especially to the one person besides Jesus, that gets it. Good luck.
This article is spot on, and illustrates well the connection between narcissism and functional up-take of religion, as in, religion and its trappings (scriptures, philosophical language that can be bent and twisted to suit narc aims, etc, positive social parading opportunities) that the average narc uses as tools to impress the right people (narc supplies) and thwart or overpower the wrong ones (narc detractors).
It’s well known that the clergy, lawyers, law enforcement, and medical fields attract unusual concentrations of narcissists into the ranks, so it makes perfect and observable sense that less-than-stellarly-accredited narcs would flock to ‘groupie’ status where possible. In all these fields, only religion can allow it.
I’m sorry to say that the philosopher Kierkegaard would be shocked by your perspective. This should alarm you as a philosopher, seeing as he is now regarded as the father of existentialism. Through his works, he managed to achieve what until then had been impossible: to find a way to redefine religion (in his case it was Christianity in particular) so that whoever is able to truly understand his works is unable to shake the paradoxes within the human condition which religious texts reveal to those with an open mind and heart,
That aside, the very title of your article insinuates that narcissism and religion are perfect for each other, as if by some design or innate characteristic, the two go together like peas in a pod. However, one “pea” left a beautiful man staring at himself in a reflection for the rest of his life (i.e. Narcissus) and the other has been responsible for some of the most profound breakthroughs in our understanding of the world of spirit. The Buddha attained enlightenment, a spiritual transcendence. Buddhism and its practices are now redefining the way in which thousands of people interact with and perceive the world. Likewise, as Kierkegaard elaborates in his work Fear and Trembling, Abraham transcended the world of ethics in response to the demands made by the world of spirit. Ethically speaking, what Abraham was willing to do was murder his son. Spiritually speaking, Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son for what it was that he believed. If indeed this particular interpretation of God exists, then the latter is acceptable, even if it is not ethical. That’s just the tip of the iceberg though, and the level of metaphysical complexity that is present throughout the bible and other sacred texts is why religion should never be reduced to the same level as a mental disorder which, from a more spiritual perspective, simply arises form ignorance, isolation, and fear.
Also, I caution against reducing the identity of individuals to a single label. In the words of Kierkegaard: “Once you label me, you deny me.” Applied to the topic at hand, once we become accustomed to labeling some people as “Narcissistic”, we risk failing to understand deeper issues that may be at work within people who display narcissistic traits. Understanding is more important that having our interpretation be correct, wouldn’t you agree? Either way, by constantly utilizing labels our mind begins to lose sight of the fact that the person across from us has as much of an identity as ourselves. Furthermore, it prevents us from realizing the innate complexity at work in human beings in general, which is akin to saying “I only care about your existence as a human being insofar as it aligns with my perception of what human beings should be.” If this is indeed true, then how much freedom are we actually exercising when it comes to interacting with the world? Aren’t we just being controlled by our most innate tendencies to quickly label things in order to survive in a world where survival – true mankind vs. the wild survival – is simply not an reality anymore?
Sorry if this is dogmatic, but I felt like it had to be said. If there is one takeaway from this comment it should be this: the problem has never truly been religion, but people (A bible sitting on a table never killed anyone). And the best way to deal with people is to make an attempt to understand them, rather than ostracizing them due to the perceived difficulty which they bring into your personal life.
~”The problem is people not religion. A Bible sitting on a table never killed anyone”.
False. The Bible contains a message that can hijack (“Convert”) the brain, with the effect that it becomes a soldier (yes, the brain is the soldier) who fights for the message (using any available means, including written and spoken words, body language, and other bodily actions, including physically fighting others).
> Abraham transcended the world of ethics.
False. Abraham murdered his son.
> The best way to deal with people is to make an attempt to understand them, rather than ostracizing them due to the perceived difficulty which they bring into your personal life.
Understanding the perpetrator: It seems to me that the author (Savannah) has an EXTREMELY good understanding of the people she describes. Remember that they exhibit behaviour that causes ACTUAL harm to others. (NOT merely “perceived difficulty” as you described it. To describe the harm caused by these people merely as “perceived difficulty” is to me like describing the harm caused by rapists as “perceived difficulty”. We should surely determine the degree of harm caused by them by observing the harm that is actually caused to the victims, not by thinking about how much harm we expect to be caused to them). Some of the harmed people have written comments here.
Regarding labelling them: Remember that the people Savannah describes would exhibit their harmful behaviour whether they are labelled (as narcissists) or not. The label does not cause their behaviour. IMO, the author uses the term “narcissist” to refer to them, not to deny them as you suggest. She makes it clear what she means by the term (when she lists two characteristics from DSM-IV), and when I read what she writes, I go with her usage of the word. She could have referred to them some other way. For example, she could have said, “Watch out for people who have these characteristics because they can cause you a lot of harm”. No label needed. That’s how I read Savannah’s writings anyway. If at any point she projects onto them something that is in the definition of narcissism but they themselves do not have, I would share your concern.
Regarding Kierkegaard: I have just encountered Savannah’s views for the first time. From what I’ve seen so far, they match well what I’ve seen in reality. Therefore, I feel no need to validate her views against Kierkegaard’s, or to reduce her in any way because of Kierkegaard. Far from being shocked by her, I suggest that Kierkegaard might learn something from her.
Understanding Savannah: It seems to me that Savannah is not ostracizing the perpetrators as you suggest. Instead, it seems to me that she has observed certain harmful behaviours at close range, has identified that these behaviours are relatively commonplace, and is therefore trying to help protect others from getting harmed by them. It seems to me that that is a valuable contribution to society.
Helping the perpetrator: In terms of helping people who exhibit narcissistic traits: I agree with you. However, I see that as a separate endeavour from protecting people from being harmed by them.
This article is spot on !!
Signed a recent person divorced from a Narcissist
I was in a relationship for five years with a man whom I was infatuated with, he was the love of my life but went through all the hell of being on a relationship and through every abusive phase of dating a narcissist . He changed me and formed me into the women he wanted me to be, as I damaged my relationships with my kids and family and had no close personal friends anymore. I became trapped in a lonely dark place.
Then one day he met a women who was religious and he began to change for her but continued to tell me I was his best friend and she was his friend that helped him be a better person! I finally said I need him to make a choice and a month later he married her. I went to no contact and fell apart, was not functioning. Then he contacted me two months later and told me it was because he knew she was good and got him to go to church. And I was the bad girl! I am trying to get on with my life and I don’t know how!
I recently ended a relationship with a spiritual narc. During the brief relationship, he was always trying to manipulate me with scripture, especially when I tried to end things.
But, when confronted about his own ways, he had one or two scriptures he had rehearsed to justify them. His interpretation was always in left field.
Yes, they use scriptures to justify their behavior while at the same time try to make you feel you are falling short
and don’t know how to interpret scriopture.
He hated discussing and preferred arguing.
It became too much for me!
He used his Bible toting- carrying to make people see him as a good person.
They quote scripture but cannot apply them to their lives and have their own personal interpretation.
I am a spiritual not religious person and people see me to be an easy person to relate to, but, he was literally imbearable.
I have duscussed scripture with different denomoniations. I tell people I study with, people will always have different beliefs because none of us really know. We go by what we have been taught and choose to believe or disbelieve. He was always right in his belief and would fly into a rage when challenged.
When he realized he couldn’t impress me with his scriptures anymore, he ceased sending them altogether and moved on after I told him it was over for good.
I have never met anyone like him.
He doesn’t get along well with but a few people, those like himself.
The religious narcissist is highly offensive and equally indifferent to the damage she does. She may allege to “repent to God” but utterly refuses to acknowledge the devastation to the person she wounded.
She professes to love a God she cannot see, but ruins a fellow human whom she can. She gives her offerings generously at religious gatherings and stingily withholds reconciliation and restoration from the person she defrauded of it.
May God afflict them eternally for despising His word and destroying His people.
It’s not surprising to me you’re still getting comments four years after writing this article. I was a platonic friend with a woman for over 15 years. Thought I really knew her, but I didn’t.
Three years after my divorce, we started dating. She was very religious. I’m not, but I am very spiritual. I respected her religious beliefs and commitment. She hid her disdain for my beliefs for a while. She strung me along for a year while I’m becoming more emotionally attached, blind to her inability to accept me for who I was.
But in the end, she left me because I wasn’t Christian enough. I was devastated.
I was an emotional wreck for a couple of years. But slowly I could see how she manipulated me, used religion often and quoted scripture to make me feel guilty and score her points. In hindsight, she was one of the most self centered, narcissistic women I have ever known. It’s a blessing to have her out of my life.
Seven years later, I met the love of my life. She’s Catholic, but in a healthy sense. She respects my spirituality and loves me for who I am. I respect her religious views. She expressed to me that we all come to God in our own way. Her emotional maturity is a perfect match.
Now, I’m blessed beyond measure. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Love to all….
Under his eye
Very well written and explained. There is scientific research that backs up your point that religion is man-made. “The Social Construction of Reality” by Berger and Luckmann is worth the read. They break down how social constructions occur, how people process information socially, and how difficult it is to think differently within social groups (nihilism).
The allure of religion feeds even the non-narcissist because it provides social meaning to an otherwise unimportant life. Narcissists latch on to this because it presents an opportunity to control those who are desperate to find meaning. This is a dangerous and volitile combination.
For me, I have to come to find religion as immoral. I see the spread of falsehoods (for whatever purpose, intentional narcissism or an innocent failure to think critically about the world) as a means of social control to be morally reprehensible. The damage it preventing social cohesion is immeasurable and sad.
I agree with your conclusions here. I’ve always been a bit phobic of groups from Girl Scouts to Sorority Rush week in college to Church to Clubs or even non-profit organizations. Most claim to be inclusive and/or diverse because it sounds good. But, at the end of the day, they are far from it. They are accepting of others’ differences but only within very specific parameters. Their goal, whether they admit to it or not, is to create a safe comfortable space for themselves; and the only way it can be safe and comfortable is to keep out those who think, believe, and behave differently. It’s like “Come on in to our church. We’ll accept you right after we indoctrinate you to be just like us.” Church is definitely narcissism at the group level. They suck people in with kindness and acceptance at an almost sickening level…but eventually you’re going to have to give yourself over totally to them; mind, body, soul, and bank account or they’ll drop you like the lowlife sinner that you are. Other than funerals that I can’t get out of, I will never set foot in a church again. The thought makes me cringe.
Well described! We all know the type, they come to church in order to lord themselves over congregations in Bible study, Men’s/women’s groups, and love to hold positions of power in the church. It is frightening when these folks are questioned about their faith how often they disagree vocally with scripture holding their own opinions above scripture. They are such forceful personalities they can intimidate many folks into submitting themselves to their domination and wrong teaching. I believe Satan sends these “Tares” into congregations in an attempt to corrupt and lead astray members. These same narcicisstic power hungry souls can be found in the workplace and social
Clubs and health clubs since narcicissts egos require constant feeding. Many times they have been rejected or failed at their careers or marriages or other social interactions and so they become members in various institutions where they cannot be easily rejected and their captive audience is held hostage. It’s actually quite sad to see a person so desperate for validation that they will go to any length to attain it. These folks want to be right and be admired to the point they will lie about their credentials, expertise and even make up stories which are not true misquoting material facts. Narcicissts love to become Bible study teachers, deacons, organizers of any kind of group. Watch out folks because these people will pretend to be your friend and be helping you when in reality they will expect a pound of your flesh for every millisecond you are allowed to be in their presence. And if you stand up to them and expose them they will seek to destroy you and your family completely. They are stalkers and become violent and hostile to anyone who dares expose their schemes. They use scripture to control people. And they use it out of context and frequently misquote it. They are very good liars and charismatic and fool many folks. I think it is best to find a group of people who are not fooled, to confront the narcicisst rather than going it alone. One narcicisst can seriously undermine the peace and fellowship in a church as well as mislead many regarding scripture since they hold their opinions above God’s law and God’s grace. They are actually like criminals, believing themselves to have superior judgement and above all. If you try to love and forgive and help these people you will find yourself in for a lifelong contest if wills, endlessly debating their preeminent knowledge and you will be so consumed by their needs you may become exhausted. And it’s not just confined to the church. These people are everywhere. Familiar spirits to be sure. I try to be kind to these folks thinking of them like children gone astray, but every time I do, I get a knife in the back and in the face. They seek who they may devour and the only way to survive their attacks is to distance yourself from them completely. I have never found a way to be friends with a narcicisst that dies not involve subjugating yourself to them in every way. The church must unite to protect its members from these tares and as a group help the narcicisst to learn to subjugate his ego to the will of God in order to be saved. Sadly, these narcicissts will not do it and so will leave the church and move on to another unsuspecting flock. Once old age sets in and their charisma begins to fade along with their powers of reasoning and mental faculties they retreat into their hermitages or naive clans of followers or become socially isolated. Usually their own families and friends and coworkers tire of them and so they become grumpy old hermits or neglected old ladies and wind up in old folks homes. They effectually destroy themselves because ultimately their true nature shows itself and people reject them. It’s sad actually, because they want to be loved but have little capacity to love others or God. Sometimes I think the only thing that will work is prayer. Maybe only God can change a narcicissts heart… give him a fleshy heart. Who really knows? Only God. The rest of us are just doing the best we can. Even the narcicisst.
Exactly what I have experienced with some very religious people
I have been exposed to in life and love… This is my reasoning for for avoiding spiritual people now.
Its Sad that Religions been used to hurt instead of helping people
My Ex and her mother were both huge NPDs , here Mom said she was a minister and had a congregation which proved to be all lies and her daughter had lied and used me financially and emotionally until I had had enough.. identity them and confront them about the behaviour
Exposing them is the only way I feel to get them to leave me alone
They can’t stand being seen for what they are, there whole existence is predicated in the need to be admired and worshiped by their followers. That’s my experience
Thanks anyways
Very well put and broken down. My wife unfortunately is this very type of being and it is amazingly SADIGHI that these individuals exist.
wow. Mine used religion exclusively to manipulate and twist. the last year of our marriage was her telling me that God wanted her to be happy and that if I truly loved both her and God I would support her in our marriage while she chased her “soul mate” the one God wanted her to be with….nevermind “God” gave her two kids with me
So straight to the point and very good insight article. I lived with a Catholic Narc over years. He wore wolf skin everyday, pretended he is a kind, lovable and righteous religious man. Action speaks louder than words. Narcissistic do not live his/her faith.
“You study the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them you have eternal life. These are the very Scriptures that testify about me,yet you refuse to come to me to have life”-
words of Jesus Christ (destroyer of religion healer to ALL mankind)
Book of John 5:39-40
This is sooo true. I am an ACON and I also just broke up with what I believe is a covert narc tgat I met online. I went No Contact but forgot to include one account that I did not remember his. “Yeah, I am the type to turn the other cheek and give second chances,” he wrote to me. This is not the first time he’s used Jesus quote references to justify himself I now realze.
Once I calmed now, he re-triggered my pstd, I got mad and then I started laughing. Normal people do *not* talk this way. I started to joke to friends that tge narc was a saint, do you think we’ll be viewing his crucifixion tomorrow? I said. And then in three days he will rise again, and his Kingdom will come?
The funny thing is, I’m not even Christian, and this narc knows this. If he’s trying to imoress me, he’s failing.
On a side note, my narc mother is also deeply religious and sometimes offensively too. Anything to justify themselves to themselves, I guess?
It’s just funny though, because when you become aware of what they are doing, it’s so obvious and sad.
Loved your post! My ex narc is EXACTLY like this. He puts on the big old “FOUND JESUS” show he has his whole family pulling that card because he knows deep inside he pathologically lies, steals from others, ruins others marriages, cheated on every wife his ever been with, loves getting women to pine over him, he destroys business relationships, he uses his own kids $$$ to fund his ventures, he plays the Good Old Boy on Sunday and on special church days during the week, he hangs scripture in his office and all those scripture calendars and is always saying bless your little heart or peace be with you or have a blessed day. Then he goes and abuses alcohol, porn, younger women, cheats on his wife, spends $ like water coming out a tap. What a complete and utter joke some of these people are to really think that they are pulling the wool over God’s eyes? Now none of us are perfect and never will be, but there is a fine line by acting Christian and really trying to do right by others. My ex would steal from his own Grandma to get ahead in life and he will never ever honor 1 woman, it’s not in him to do so. He is sociopathic and a full fledged narcissist that preys off others vulnerability. What a joke!
I have a sister that is always quoting scripture, telling me what I should believe in,although I have told her repeatedly that I could care less what the Bible,which itself seems like was written by Narcists, has to say on anything. She knows I am homosexual,and insists it is a sin that I must be healed of,although she knows I consider it none of her business. In the latest election I was told what party, and what people to vote for. When I refused she was angry,and will not speak to me. She must be in control of everything. She worked for years as human resources at a large factory,and was a demanding self righteous tyrant, degrading,and firing people by the dozens. At our monster mother’s recent funeral she totally went against her last wishes, caused total family turmoil,and had a large expensive wake. This wake concluded with her giving a long speech about how she had sacrificed so much for our mother,and how God had given her that responsibility,and guided her. Not true,as she only put her in a home,and visited from time to time. My sister is constantly insisting everyone around her live by her principals. No one is more moral,closer to God,or know’s better than her. She has had the fortune of being very pretty,and she has played that card for years. When she isn’t spouting Bible versus, she is revelling in making men lust for her. When they approach they are shot down. All this started in childhood when our father took off, not looking back,and our mother was laying in some bar,or car with some new guy,and not returning home for days.I think the thought that her father didn’t care,and our mother was rarely around caused her to begin thinking grandiosely. It was easier to think of herself as special, rather than abandoned. Oddly she was placed on a pedastool by my crazy twisted mother while the other six children were neglected dirt. Told she was special,beautiful,an angel,while my other sister was called an ugly skinny skag,whore,as a CHILD! My sister supreme recently told me that as a child an angel appeared to her, and told her she was chosen,and special. I guess this angel decided like my mother that my other sister was unworthy. I am tired of the Bible verseses, she sends me. Her telling me what to believe,how,and whom to worship,and lording herself over every aspect of my life. I am ten years older than her,I can make my own decisions.I do not hate her I kinda feel sorry for her as she is in constant conflict with someone. As I say,”there is a reason she is 44 years old,and still carrying her maiden name!”
Very well written!! I came across a term while researching narcissism in the bible, insolent pride. Couldn’t help but think of that as I was reading your article.
Thank you for this!
I am a victim of a narcissistic relationship of over 20 years. I married and had two children with this NC. I did divorce him in 2004 but if you have children with a NC, beware, it doesn’t end with divorce. He continued to manipulate, control and dominate for the next 12 years. My youngest turns 18 next month, and we are finally going to be through. Some of you would be in shock at what this NC has put me through. I actually think it is book worthy. Complete torture and torment. Most of the NC men I have met or been a victim to were hiding behind religion.
wow Savannah thanks for the insight! I was just reeling from a recent visit, from a brand new “Christian” sister (who, btw, was a horrible tyrant to our family)! In trying to identify what made her take that path, you have made perfectly crystal clear, wow again. I suspect it won’t be the last run in we have going forward so is there any way to shine a light on their behaviour to them, in a therapeutic manner or will it always be a perceived attack to these types…case in point “Chrissy” who attacked you, she is the perfect example ?
A former pastor of mine was a narc. I met him looking for religious inner healing counseling. He slowly groomed me to believe he was my savior. When I gave up everything and moved to his state that’s when the triangulation, devalue etc started. I lived on egg shells always trying to please. If I did something that he hated he’d text everyone but me telling them he didn’t want to help me anymore. Major coward. If I tried calling to discuss my behavior he’d scream over the phone. He called me a “problem” constantly. He eventually banned me for 6 months from his “ministry” because I stood up to him after he texted me telling me what months I missed tithe (I was expected to tithe for his “help” but he didn’t live up to his bargain because those months are the ones he refused to help). No board, no accountability etc. A sheep in wolf’s clothing – best thing he ever did was ban me. I never went back and even if asked back I wouldn’t go.
Wow, this is my ex to a T. When I was married to him the word “cult” fit him well. People would sit at his feet and eat up every single word as if it were scripture. I thought that about him when we dated. But it didn’t take too long for me to realize how evil he was. I used to call him Jesus junior because he thought he was far above everyone and no one around him was as spiritually amazing as him. Even pastors were beneath him and they did not know what they were talking about. Sooo happy to not be married to him anymore.
I find the article true to my experience. My husband works for a cruise ship and met this narc christian woman who thinks she knows everything about christianity. She lured my husband into thinking about leaving me and my child. I asked for her advice because I thought she was a good friend of his. She gave me prayers and little did I know she was using our weakness to her advantage. She uses the name of God to manipulate my husband and to get rid of me by using scriptures everytime I confront her and that she disproves me by saying that she is my husband’s spritual friend. I then came to get some evidence, pictures of them making out. She destroyed my family and has no remorse. And still sees herself as innocent and righteous and an instrument of God. Now I have considered my husband a stranger and I no longer recognize his traits. he says she is the only one who understands him. until today she justifies that what she is doing is right even if it is called adultery and she says she has a calling from God to help him out. and that my husband needs her spiritual guidance. Now he left us with no financial support, no communication and my child is fatherless.
I caught my wife cheating a little over a year ago. She used the bible to justify her actions during that time. Now she owns her sin and has become so uber-Christian and bible literate that anything I say and do in anger is against God and religion. She’s allowed to be a sinner and deserves forgiveness, but when I step out of line I’m not as deserving of grace as she. I realize that there is just no winning with her. As soon as you figure out her game she just changes the rules.
My ex narc (at 24 yrs old) disposed of his son by putting home up for adoption. Fast forward and the narc is in his 50s and this child returned as an adult who has a masters in divinity. Now the poor narc will be preached at, asked to pray, and to repent for the rest of his life. I am just besides myself in laughter – the narc is one of the biggest liars I’ve ever met – zero empathy and uses and disposes of people like paper plates. I can’t imagine how unpleasant it must be to be trapped in this religious facade – I hope he is miserable, more so than usual.
The article was great, I can absolutely relate! But I felt like I was left hanging. It didn’t really have an ending.
Hi Veronica, how would you have ended it?
Yip. Right on! The Israelite leaders of the old and new testaments were by and narcissists. Jesus told the spiritual leaders, “Mine house shall be a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves.” And, “Your house is left unto you desolate.” I have long ago stopped trusting any man. Now I trust God alone.
Wow, thanks for this very affirming article. There really is no difference between my ex narc boyfriends, my narc, religious Grandmother or the leadership of my former church. It was all narcissistic abuse. I broke up with the boyfriends, my Grandmother finally died in her legalistic misery, and I left my church, where the “leadership” still thinks “they have nothing to apologize for.” I had always seen churchianity as covert narcissism. It’s nice to see an article on it. It means others are waking up from the programming. If you have to twist the facts, convince people or scare them in to agreement of belief, then God isn’t very powerful. There certainly isn’t any GOD in that. I think one text says, “Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is LIBERTY. (I am pretty sure that doesn’t just mean liberty to own guns, either). Church is the perfect predator playground. I NEVER assume church people are Christians, nor do I assume Christians are good people. Or ANY religious person, for that matter. My experience has been solely from a Christian Narc Abuse experience. That is why I refer to it.
Thank you for making your work so public and accessible. I’m absolutely POSITIVE it’s reaching a lot of good people and helping them to come to terms with what seems like an utterly futile situation. It reached me and I’ve been trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse for well over 10 years… but I had a 3 year old daughter when I tried to divorce this man and had no idea what a narcissist was until the mask came of during the divorce and he gained control of our daughter. Now I’m always in search of information and ideas that will help me and help me to help her… for both our sake. I’m not religious, but this article resonated with me not only because I too have a deeply spiritual side and understanding, but also because my Ex went from never speaking of church or God while I was with him to attending weekly with our poor daughter who can’t make sense of the many conflicting messages he sends her with his ‘do as I say, not as I do’ lifestyle and practices nothing that he preaches to her (this is not restricted to religion at all… he has many masks).
I wasn’t going to ramble, but I did. I will just stop here and once again ‘Thank You’!
I was suckered in by an evangelical bigot. He fabricated amazing stories about exploits in foreign countries, as an illicit arms dealer, a mercenary, flying airplanes into foreign airspace and almost getting shot down, paranormal research, witnessing satanic worship, his dead girlfriend getting exhumed and him seeing crime scene photos of her death (which was btw of natural causes), him allegedly having a stroke and forgetting who I was… the list is quite long.
I found your distinction between people who are religious (in the wrong way) and spiritual (humanistic/good) very helpful.
It’s a shame we aren’t educated in school to recognise narcissists or at least narcissistic behaviour so that we can be helped to protect ourselves early.
Everyone in society has now heard about and understands the problem with paedophilia but narcissism is almost as serious a problem for adult victims. If society was educated about narcissists it could damp down their excesses better.
I’m a 64 year old man who wished he had realised his mother was a strong grandiose narcissist earlier in life!
Thank you…
“Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving.” I’m a Christian, but not a doormat. I think the Christian Church is very sick. My ex Narc portrayed herself as a needy, damaged survivor of a drunk, bad husband left with two adorable children. I was the rescuer. The church, they supported me. You’ll make such a great father for those poor abandoned children etc. I was a good father, but the Narc wife didn’t really appear to me until after 20 years. She decided to leave me in year 23 because she was bored and I did not measure up to her level of success anymore. She made dramatic changes in her personality from the time I met het until she despised me. She never really liked me and this fact became a joke around our home. Everyone in the immediate family knew this-it became “cute” but now I see that not liking the person you’re married to is a serious problem. I was basically hated and she tried to get me to think I was hated do to my person-hood. Very sick situation. She painted her previous ex as a loser and he was a loser, but I’d love to hear his side of the story now. Was he hovered and more as I was? Her old ex is not bad looking to me now. It’s ironic that she left him for drinking and he did’t even have an attorney at the divorce hearings. She started drinking and was not expecting me to get an attorney. I moved so fast that her head was spinning. She hoovered me begiing me to “slow down!” My Narc left all her journals with me. I have been going through them and found that she was having Narc symptoms at 5 years into our marriage. She has borderline and Narc mix. I also have a few early “love” letters that I will be reading for signs of love bombing. I am deicated to knowing the truth before I divorce this person. I will know the truth and it will set me free. I have every right to find that truth through her journals. I would never read another persons journals, but at this point it’s a matter of life or death. It’s very interesting when the veil is removed and the eyes are opened. I can’t go back with all that I know now. This experience has been revolutionary to me and one of the biggest turning points in my life since I became a Christian. Knowledge is power. I have found knowledge on the internet. I had these relationships before and no help was readily available as to what I was facing and the person I am. Now, I know who I am, why the Narc looks for me and how to avoid the Narc. I know all the games now. I am powerful with knowledge, and God’s wisdom. To me it boils down to everything that I was and am the Narc tried to destroy. Nothing was off limits for her. I am basically broke, but I am rich in freedom, wisdom, peace, power from above and much more. I have long term sobriety in A.A. I love life. I’m doing fun things that I have always wanted to do. Yes, I’m on the high side of middle age, but man I’m free!
Having been friends with and married to a man with narcissistic tendencies, it is tremendous suffering and grieving for everyone involved .
When my husband could no longer keep his pain, suffering, guilt and shame of some of the events, (personal choices and choices made for him as a child) he survived, he began a formerly halted habit, using crystal meth.
He was a tortured beautiful soul with a model’s face. Just as many people don’t become narcissistic in 24 hours, his was years in the making.
He committed suicide in 2012, in a car, multiple prescription and non prescription drugs found in his system. He suffered cardiac arrest, slumped over where he could not be seen.
When Detectives came to my door and delivered this news, it was and continues to be one of the most devastating days for many who loved him.
Some people with narcissistic tendencies don’t believe they deserve love and certainly don’t love themselves.
Peace and continued healing
His story did
I am married to a naracist . I met him after finding Christ. Waiting seven years of no dating and making sure I was the best person I could be healing from past garbage and getting my foot stingily rooted in love and the word of God . I married a man in full time ministry , a director or healing men and an ordained minister. My marriage has been hell . I currently have excepted he is truly a naracist on which he no longer is in ministry or shows any sighns of knowing the God I met . I have been left in an emotional distraught mindset working towards understanding and getting away from who I thought ” my godly man made specifically for me ” I am learning so much how naracist a can use and do use religion as a hiding place. 4 years of marriage and it’s really been nothing but 4 years of trying to make me go crazy. So thankful I have finally accepted the truth
My father is a narcissist. He is a religious narcissist, and a “super Christian”. Boastful, self important, and self elevating, most of his conversations revolve around himself and how great and important he is, and how lazy, puny, and dependent everyone else is unto him. Some of his common phrases include:
“I am the only one who does anything around here”. “While you were sleeping and not worrying about a thing, I was doing (insert arbitrarily super-important thing here).” “I can’t help it, I just can’t sit around like everyone else, *sigh* I guess it’s a bad habit I have.”
He cherry picks the bible to suit his motive, or to sway an argument in his favor as if everyone else is too blind or too stupid to recognize hypocrisy. Although I believe he literally cannot recognize his own hypocrisy. I think he really doesn’t know. My mother has spoken of divorcing him many times over the years, only to be guilted and lectured to. Even threatened and told that she couldn’t make it without him, and that she needs him. One of his favorite quotes is that “God hates divorce”. Already once divorced himself for cheating on his ex wife with my mother (my mother did not know, and broke it off when she found out. He came back months later bearing divorce papers and a sob story, and she gave him a second chance), he always condemns the ills and sin of divorce, yet cheats on my mother quite boldly, but blames her, and uses the bible to back it up. He cheated on her within months of being married, but she kept trying. Eventually, a few years after I was born, she lost interest in intimacy with him altogether. It was sporadic, and only when he initiated it through guilt and “duty”, which is so disgusting. Eventually, intimacy stopped altogether, and he began to cease to hide the fact that he cheated (he has always been a cheater but to “get back at her” for withholding sex, he stopped hiding it). When finally confronted, he told her that the infidelity was her fault for withholding sex (never mind all of the infidelity before that!), and that the bible says basically they if you do not submit to your husband, you are at fault for him straying. This is incredibly sick to me. First of all, he’s basically saying (and it’s the backbone defense of almost every argument they have) “the bible says divorce is wrong, but if I cheat on you, it’s your fault and you need to repent”. “Sure, yeah, I’m sinning, but I’ll be forgiven, but remember, it’s your fault.”. He would tell me mother she is the “enemy of his soul” because her withholding sex forces him to cheat. What’s worse, is this man dedicates an hour every night to reading the bible, and goes to church every Saturday (7th day Adventist) while doing all of these things. What I have stated is only a lick, 1/100th of the horribleness that is this man. It’s way too much to put here. I could write a 50 chapter book. I’m not even going to go into what he did to me. It’s too long. The story would fill a novel the size of a phonebook. I may write it one day.
For every truth, the devil makes a counterfeit. This is a huge one. People that claim to be Christians but totally deface the name of Jesus and God. This is what Jesus called the Pharisees of bible times… whited seplechures or empty tombs of a Christian and a hypocrite. My heart breaks for all of you who have been used and abused by Narcissistic “Christians” of which I use the term loosely.
I am a follower of Jesus. Religion has way too often been used to misrepresent Jesus, kill and torture true followers of Jesus and His word. Although I am a member of an organized church, my understanding of true “religion” or true “Christianity” is one of humility, love and service. My Dad told me once that a real Christian treats others as valuable, is kind to others, and puts others needs above themselves and are basically nice people. True Christianity, shows real love as spoken of 2 Corinthians 13 Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth, it always protects always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Anyone that professes to be a Christian or religious, but does not behave with the kind of love as described in 2 Corinthians 13 is not a true Christian nor knows real and true religion. Thank you so much for bringing this out into the open Savannah Grey.
People need to know and understand what Narcissistic people are like and how they behave. They need this information so they will truly understand the difference between truth, and “religious Narcissist’s.” I am thankful that there are people like yourself who are willing to show the truth and understand who are truly hypocrites and who are sincere, which as you have stated are shown by their actions.
I hope that this will help many who are in the middle of bad situation with someone that distorts truth and harms others by their narcissistic behavior.
Wow! I can’t believe how closely all these situations compare to mine. I met my ex-husband at church, where he was a “spiritual leader” and “prayer warrior.” The additional hook in my situation was that I had lost my only child 2 years before he and I met. I had no family, and was very vulnerable. He too was an only child, and we were going to form our own little “unit.” I stayed much longer than I should have because I didn’t want another divorce. He was absolutely crazy-making. It took a long time for me to realize that the problem was with him, not me. After all, he had a genius IQ level, and everybody loved and respected him. Although I could kick myself for being so gullible, I hope I never have to encounter another one of these people.
Wow! Honestly, I had never put the two together…altho I was married to & lived with a “preacher & pastor” for 17 yrs & had two children with this evil man! Everything I read in this article is totally true. Manipulative, narcissistic, evil, controling, loved the “preacher” limelight all the while sleeping around, abusing his family & abusing prescription drugs; which he introduced our son to at a very early age……my sweet, only son passed away 8yrs ago at the age of 32…accidental overdose. I am raising his only child. I totally blamed my ex for destroying my child’s life & wish many times I had left years earlier! I pray this will help someone…maybe a mom (or dad) with children that need the courage to leave an evil person!
I can pretty much assure you that my comment will be quite long.
First, I am a sexual abuse survivor. Fondled by friends of my mother and had a baby by the sperm donor who made me. There were bets I would not live to see 18. I am 43 now. It is important to share this because my husband (going through divorce now) would use this to his advantage.
Second, when I was able to separate from my dad (because he was busy teaching me to be a “proper wife” according to the Bible) I entered a relationship with a man who had a bad temper. He absolutely loved me. We are getting to know each other again. I left him back then because we had a daughter that I didn’t want to grow up believing woman should be knocked around.
Here comes my main focus. My husband. He is out of the home we shared. He is fighting the divorce I filed. Back before the internet was HUGE, dating was done through actual agencies. I received help with daycare for my daughter. The agency was in the same building. They offered me a free membership because they needed women my age. I accepted. Had a few contacts. Nothing of note. Until my husband called. We talked on the phone. He talked about country music and religion and Rush Limbaugh topics. I had no doubt that he would not like me. We met the next day. When I saw him, I just had this overwhelming feeling of “this is supposed to be”. We were exclusive after that. Getting to know him he had a daughter with his ex-wife. They lived in a southern state. He moved up north to live with his parents after his divorce from her. They divorced because she was cheating and unstable. He only married her because he was tricked into it because she lied about her age. He left the state and his daughter because it was too much for him to deal with without the support of his family. All of this sounds really good right?
We are dating exclusively. We become intimate. Our first night of this, he says “you know I only have sex with a woman I plan to marry right?” I thought this was strange to say but passed it off as his way to show he cared. He didn’t spend the night because his dad was a preacher at one time and would “advise” that it was inappropriate. He didn’t like the apartment I lived in and wanted to find something better. I had excellent credit at the time. We were looking at apartments we could afford. Next thing I know we were sitting down discussing buying a double wide trailer in a mobile home park that was WAY out of our budget. I wanted to say no. He looked so excited and assured me he would work hard to make sure we could afford it. Yeah right. We moved in together. I was unsure how things were supposed to work because I didn’t have a “functional/normal” family. We received an outrageous phone bill due to 1-900 numbers (expensive sex talk lines). I asked my husband about it. He assured me he knew nothing about it. The times the calls were made we were both at work. I called the phone company. Did you know that those lines record the first few seconds of the call? The part where the caller identifies themselves? Yeah, it was a kick to the gut to hear my husband’s voice introducing himself with a fictitious name and city. Oh he apologized and said it was just something he did when he got stressed and he wouldn’t do it any more. I wondered what was wrong with me that he couldn’t come to me with this. He asked me to marry him in his underwear in our bedroom. Because I knew he was going to ask me anyway.
He used our car the night before our wedding. He parked it on empty. I had to use it the next morning to run errands and cash our checks to have money for what I needed to get. I ran out of gas. It would not be the first time. He routinely parked a car I needed to use on empty. He left the job he had when we met for a better one. He got fired from that job because “a woman called in to complain about his driving”. 1 time. We lost the trailer and my credit got trashed. He adopted my daughter. I worked hard to locate his daughter. When she came to live with us, I accepted her as my own and love her still as my daughter. As I thought he did my daughter. (I later learned that “men relate to their kids by smell. (my daughter) never smelled like his”. He would never agree to let me adopt her. He “didn’t want to make waves with his ex-wife”. The harder I worked and the more money I made, the less he worked. He quit his job to help me get elected to mine. He got fired from a job because they weren’t sympathetic to his “stomach issues”. I hated going out to eat because I was left alone at the table due to his “stomach issues”. Going out to professional dinners or dinners with friends became more stress for me than they brought me joy. We began attending church regularly. There was so much wrong with the church that he had to fix. They just didn’t have it right. He had to stick it out to fix it.
His parents moved him from down south to north in his junior year of high school. He spent weeks in his room. His mom brought counselors in. He was so traumatized by this move that he dropped out of high school. He later helped me to understand that everyone has trauma and that his parents moving him was as traumatic to him as being sexually abused was to me.
He encouraged me to seek counseling because I suffered from mood swings. He would go with me to my med check appointments to explain how bad my moods were. I used to give speeches about my childhood to help others. He came to one that was rather informal and often cut me off to better explain how my behavior is affected today.
He would often want to initiate sex in the middle of the night. Which, given my background had a tendency of freaking me out a bit. One night when he did this, I explained that he needed to give me a minute for my brain to adjust. His response “Get over it. I’m not them”.
Over the years I received “constructive criticism” about my cooking and appearance. He was helping me cook meals that he liked better and he couldn’t do that without telling me what he didn’t like. I dressed too frumpy. My lack of dressing prettier made him feel less like a man. If I dressed nicer and other men noticed I was seeking attention.
According to the Bible, the marriage bed is undefiled. We can do anything we want. He wanted to introduce toys. I was uncomfortable. I was being a prude. He wanted to wear women’s high heeled boots. I objected because I didn’t want to see my husband dressed like that. I was being a prude because of my upbringing.
I was having a hysterectomy due to pain. I thought he was being sensitive to us not getting pregnant when he only wanted me to hand job him for his release. No, he didn’t want to have sex with me. He only wanted that from me during that time. He told me that he resented me. I went through my hysterectomy alone. He was sick. He somehow got an infection in his nose that caused it to swell.
One night he grabbed my hand and pulled it to himself so hard it hurt my wrist. I confronted him about it. I was misunderstanding. I was confused. I asked him to not sleep in bed with me. He didn’t. He spent all night coming in and out of the room talking to me or sitting in the room watching me. Not allowing me to sleep. I tried to seek marital counseling with our preacher and his wife who are also very good friends of mine. I spent one session all but screaming at him what I need from him. He told our preacher that I wouldn’t have my job without him. After the session when we were alone in the car, he took my chin in his hand and looked me in the eye and said “you know I am the only one who will ever understand you right?”
We were derailed with some trouble with our middle daughter (our first daughter together. She is 16 years old). His father got very ill. Then our daughter accused him of touching her. He denied it. Called her crazy. Said there was something wrong with her. All allegations were unfounded. She was removed from our home for 13 months. I supported him. I was on medication for depression and anxiety. I took ambien to sleep at night. He had a tendency to become affectionate after I took the medicine. One night, I told him “I am taking my medicine and going to sleep. I don’t want anything to happen tonight. The kids are in school tomorrow. We are both off work. We can do stuff then.” He had sex with me anyway. The next morning when I confronted him about it, he said he would have been too tired in the morning to do anything. He later changed to he knew we would be getting my hair done that day and wouldn’t have time to do anything. He later added “what are you complaining about? You just had to lay there.”
I finally worked up the courage to make him leave. He locked himself in the psych ward for “anxiety” for almost 3 weeks. He has blamed my decision on making him leave on my childhood, me being not normal(something he constantly stated throughout our almost 20 year history together), there is something wrong with me, I am doing this because of our oldest daughter, I am doing this because of our middle daughter. All the while I hear God hates divorce from a man previously divorced. Now he has changed his version on what happened that night to I was fully awake and consented. I have done a formal interview to press charges. Since making him leave, I have been berated and belittled mercilessly. He gave up all his ambitions to support me in mine. Despite me encouraging him to do what made him happy. Which was apparently being a secret shopper and scouring the internet for sexy costumes and toys. We have 4 daughters and a son. 1 daughter is biologically mine. 1 daughter is biologically his. We have 2 daughters and our son together. He is doing similar things with the 2 youngest that he has visits with. He has manipulated his daughter into seeing only his side for now. I am the terrible person for moving on and trying to find peace and happiness with one person. He is on at least 2 dating sites that I know of. Sometimes he has 5 children he has a great relationship with (my biological daughter cannot stand him but she is a bit of a narcissist as well). Other times he is a 39 year old college graduate with no kids. He is 45 and has never gone to college though I tried to encourage him to do so. He stood before a judge and said it is ludicrous and crazy that he is even standing there (regarding the divorce). He said that we haven’t talked in months. While any attempts at communication are by text. And he will decide that the conversation is “too upsetting to him” and end it.
I feared breaking the news of the divorce to my loved ones at church. While I expected to hear “oh what happened? I thought things were good”. I actually have heard “Well I am sure you have a good reason to do that” and “Good for you” and “we all knew you are the glue holding that family together and we are behind you”. In the last 8 months, I have heard my husband referred to as manipulated and the one of the worst manipulative abusers ever dealt with. How could I have been so stupidly blind?
I have a LONG road ahead of me. I am financially ruined. He will contest every step of the divorce. When/if the charges are processed, he will verbally attack me. He is most worried about losing my pension. I have never felt truly loved by him.
I am terribly sorry this is so long. It has been a very long ordeal for me. Your blog and the comments really hit home for me. Thank you. I know that God will see me through. On the positive side, I no longer take any medications for depression, anxiety or insomnia. I sleep quite well without any assistance. My 3 youngest children and I took our very first vacation to the beach last week. It was the most relaxing and peaceful and wonderful vacation I have ever had.
I had to giggle when I read this article because it made me think of something that a future-faking, word-salading ex-narc boyfriend and self-proclaimed Christian sent to me when he was idealizing me. I believed everything he was telling me early in the “relationship” because he was a Christian afterall, and even had a Masters degree in divinity. Anyway, I digress…the thing I chuckled about was that the ex-narc sent me a link to Mars Hill Church and their ex-narc pastor, Mark Driscoll, doing a series on marriage. (Throwing up in my mouth a little now, after I’ve finally healed from all his head games!) I guess birds of a feather do flock together. And, actions speak louder than words.
I have contemplated this idea for many years. Since I became aware that my father had NPD I have come to an entirely different understanding of ” religion.” My father was a lay minister in a religion that originated from the same founder of Jehovahs Witnesses… But by far much smaller in numbers. Narcissists are paracites who thrive by stealing admiration from victims and thus boosting their self esteem and filling the black hole that resides in their soul instead of a heart. They camouflage themselves as many do many predators by projecting themselves as something other than what they are. Religion is a perfect camouflage. I also believe not only can humans be paracitic but also human concepts can be paracitic too. Religion presents itself as something “good” and wholesome. However more people have been killed in the name of righteousness than just about anything else including disease. Religion has hy jacked basic moral axioms and dressed itself in these axioms… But NO religion professes that these morals apply to all equally without equivocation. The key thing about religion is that for one to be in the right ine must accept their doctrines for God to truly love you .
My mind is spinning. I am now going to read co-dependent. Thank you Savannah, and all of you who have shared your lives, lost and experience with narcissist.
I was single for 2 years before meeting my ex narc boyfriend. I went against everything I knew thought oh boy, believed that was right. Pertaining to my beliefs. I was taught to never question them. For in my culture to even go outside of it, dating marrying an outsider (someone not in the religion, church, culture was advised against. Was a new no no…
So once again…was I being punished for…. Oh boy…I have to stay focused.
Not my fault my ex is a narcissist. No contact. Move on.
I came straight to comments I can not wait to read this. I’m not alone.
That’s true. Most religious people i’ve met ended to be narcissts and psychopaths. I think when we believe we are religious, we believe we are right because we are supported by a spiritual power. We miss the opportunity to criticize our entire existence and our own deeds just because we think we are on a mission to help others. I personally believe that when I say someone is incorrect, this means that I say ( implicitly ) that I’m perfect because i try hard to push away people’s attention to others.
You really hit the nail on the head. My mom is a narcissist and she was and is a very devout über catholic. My older sister has some narcissist trais and has become super religious as well. Both these people have always taken a very superior and self righteous stance towards me, often judging and condemning me.
My ex narc always said he was a godly praying man when I first met him..that he was honest , had integrity and never cheated etc… I found out after the discard that He never went to church…his pastor told me he hasn’t seem him in over 5 years or more and that when he was in church he never was engaged in what was being said etc..when I spoke to him about the bibles views on sex before marriage and that it is considered fornication and fornicators will not enter the kingdom of heaven he just passed that off….he wasn’t giving sex up for the bible ! Being a Narc and what he did to me, lying to me about his whole life and cheating on me and his plan to destroy me in every way to get his fix…etc…that is not very Christian is it ? He is a FAKE all the way ! I know more about the bible then he ever did..and more Christians then he ever was or could ever become ! He is arrogant, boastful and so infatuated with his looks and self….has no soul and empty shell with no feelings for anyone but his self…..
I am married to a narcissist and my children and I are exhausted. He doesn’t live with us – he travels the world as an international management consultant, spends money like water and only sends money when he feels like it. He is a Narcissist with the pride of Satan. I understand him completely, I find his traits appalling. I can hardly believe I wasted 20 years + on this man but only today do I know how it all went wrong. I met him when I was 18 – he is 12 years older than me. Looking back, I had no one to advise me about what I was letting myself in for – one wonders if I would have listened anyway. One thing is painfully clear though, I ignored every internal instinct that I had and I did not see this dangerous man coming. Thinking back to how we’d met – the deception had taken place from the start, I was just too young to identify it. How he’d told me he was a single man., then after our first intense week of involvement he admitted he was divorced; then a week or so later we had another ‘important chat’ where he had informed me that he was actually married, but separated – as I made my way to leave and kicked off in disgust – he stood up and held my shoulders – telling me that it was okay; that he had something else to tell me but once he told me I would know that I was the girl for him. I remember he had made me feel like my head was spinning. I can still remember thinking: “What is he going to tell me next?” I often console myself with the thought that a woman his own age would have been a lot wiser than me, that they would have just walked away, that it is because I was just eighteen years old that I unfortunately stayed to hear his story. It makes this bitter pill a little easier to swallow.
He had told me that he and his wife were separated. He promised me that the marriage was not a genuine marriage but was what he called, a paper marriage – because he was not British. He told me he’d wished he’d met me first and then he would not have had to do the fake-marriage-thing; that he would have genuinely wanted to marry me – because he loved me, and this was why he was telling me. I fell for it. I told myself that this plausible story was the reason for the big-hush-hush meetings – for him to tell me these odd snippets of information. I actually remember reassuring myself that there would be no more surprises, and just as I was thinking that – he said as much. Again, I was convinced that his skeleton was out of the closet, that I’d known everything about him – just as he knew everything he needed to know about me. But eventually, and while standing crying in front of him, I was seeing the trail of deception that demonstrated who this man really was – the sad thing is that I was still desperate for a sign or something, more lies even – to convince me that this pain I was feeling wasn’t real – that there was some explanation for it; even though it was clear that I was faced with reality. This man had suddenly managed to remove himself from the love of my life to the enemy of all time; yet something destructive inside me, desperately wanted to keep him a part of my life – and that is the damaged part of me. It was like he had a hold on me. There is just too much to talk about – if you’d like to get in touch – please do.
Today, searching for some articles about narcissistic this blog caught my attention. Very interesting, because somehow, I lived this situation with my ex-soon-to-be husband. I am from another country and came to live in the U.S. because I fell in love with this man. Madly. I really thought he was the man of my life. I was married to a man from Spain for over 10 years. He is over 20 years older than I. I had to adapted to his life and his lifestyle, while I had to adapted to a country completely different from mine. Everything confused me. I didn’t know if our problems were because of the difference of our age, difference of culture or difference of the lives we lived. My country is very religious, but very eclectic. I was raised within Catholicism, but give me the right to believe whatever I think was the best for me. More than religion, my education was based on values of respect, understanding, empathy for others and truth.
My ex-husband had a difficult childhood in a seminary in Spain devastated by civil war. He was a priest until to 60’s when he came to live in the U.S. and dropped the Church. He hates the church and he not believe in nothing, absolutely nothing. Despite this, during all the years in Spain, he served as a priest. His speech was always very nice and I took few years to realize that between his speeches and his actions, there was a very large gap. He always told me he was going to “forgive” my sins, and when we tried to discuss the relationship, he acted as a priest hearing a confession. Because of my culture and due to my self-esteem well balanced, I always pretended it was a joke. Sometimes I would go to a church and he never went with me. He always said he not needed. In fact, he always said he was over it. Friends of his country, always acted as the sheep of his flock.
It’s really amazing how he finds himself above everything and everyone. He cheated on me, treated me like I was nothing if we were not married for over 10 years. But I’m facing him with dignity and without fear. We are in a very complicated litigate divorce but I’m sure I’ll get what I want, better, what is fair for me, based on my rights. In a way, he already lost, because I managed to put his friends in the U.S. in my side showing to them his truth image. Now, he has only “friends” from Spain. I don’t have any interest on this people.
They think he is a respectful and dignified priest. The image he always left in their country of origin. As he only has contact with these people once a year and for 20 days it is very easy to continue deceiving. He is increasingly alone in this country, he is having more contact with these “friends” and I know more than ever that this people will realize one day the monster he is. Simple like that.
I was the target of a religious narcissist a couple of years ago. What a smooth talking charmer, tall handsome, moved on the dance floor like Fred Astaire. Told me he was married for financial reasons only, had an ex-girlfriend he was friends with but not physical. He swooped me off my feet like a falcon to his prey. He read the Bible to me after having mind-blowing sex. He interpreted scripture somehow in his narcissist mind that it was not a sin to fornicate and in fact God encouraged it as the ultimate expression of love. He also had a philosophy of “don’t ask, don’t tell”. In other words if someone didn’t ask the “right” question, he didn’t have to tell (confess). He captured my soul and I know I would be in a trance if he ever looks in my eyes again. Thank God, I found out he moved out of state!!
Oh my word. can’t believe what Imreading. I just discovered my N fiance making secret sex chats which over inflate his ability to perform in bed (ie. He lays one minute but brags he lasts 40) and had prostitute numbers in his phone… Yet the false ego he puts on to the world is he’s so spiritual and celibate. And guess what his desired profession is? Preacher. Oh is just all to scary really.
i wonder how he can sit in church and not feel the pain i feel and not feel terrible for the things he’s done to me. i know people pick and chose what they listen to, but i would think at some point God would have to get to their conscience. How he can hear about marriage, and how god hates divorce..and not even think about it. Hypocrite to the nth degree!
@NYGFAN — This is what’s hardest for people who are not narcissists (in other words, most of the population) to understand: Narcissists are mentally and emotionally ill.
They are NOT normal.
That is why they are able to do what they do and not care about who they hurt. They can’t feel. They can’t think of anyone else but themselves.
I keep thinking about all the warning signs of what I was involved with, and I cannot help it, I cry sometimes. This guy is up to his creepy self. I received late Mom’s day card in the mail. I forfeited “no contact” 🙁 I feel terrible,angry, and wish I could re wind!!!! I just texted: thank you for the card. Well, I get a text message return: your welcome. Next day, alledged new supply text me from his phone: stop texting him!
I am sharing this because I need to release it, and move on like I have been doing. This N is so needy for attention, I suspect he sent the message to get some attention from me. This circle of experiences and similar situations have helped me so much get they my nightmare with this Narc.
He wants to flaunt these women and wants a response from me. I feel like I should have sent the card back: return to sender!
Funny thing, the card had Love Always… I guess he’s classic Narc?
@ShayShay — It’s OK. Do NOT beat yourself up for breaking No Contact. All you can do is move forward and pledge to make better choices in the future and stick to it. Just get back on the wagon and do your best to stay there.
So his new source of supply contacted you, eh, saying “stop texting him!” when your N is the one who reached out, looking for a reaction from you?! I’ll bet this is what’s going on on their end:
-The fact that she felt compelled to take his phone (his property) to send you a text from it, shows that she’s falling down the rabbit hole of insecurity. She either is already going through his phone, or he mentioned your text message (to throw YOU in HER face) and she then demanded he hand the phone over to her so that she could look at it and message you back. Either way, these behaviors show that she does not trust him. Man, he works FAST.
-He lied and denied, to her, that he sent you a card or reached out to you first.
-Don’t be surprised if he talks about you a lot, but to vilify you and assassinate your character, to her. This blog mentioned that is a Narc’s MO. He’s doing this for attention and to garner pity, that way he’s the victim and you’re the bad guy.
-He’s also probably claiming that you’re reaching out to him to cover his tracks of sending you the card. Bet you five bucks she’s in the denial phase about his behavior and is probably blaming you, too.
Your N has rapidly built the foundation for mistrust in his new relationship. His new source of supply is walking down the same path that all of us on here have.
Pretty soon, he’ll be unfaithful to her and she’ll get caught up in his chaos.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Remember this. Everything you are trying to get over, everything you are trying to move past from, she has only found the tip of iceberg!
Just be glad that you do not have to go through that — the fighting, his lying, his crazy-making, EVER again!!!
I feel REALLY sad for your Mom! I have found your website only last night. The more I read, the more validated I feel. Patricia Evans books were the first to help me understand what the heck situation I was in!
Thank you. I am also validated when I read these experiences so similar to my own. I pretty much gave up all my interests for NPD over the years. All except my horse. I am afraid, however, that I may have to give her up so I can get out of here quickly. He, on the other hand, has given up nothing. We used to have lots in common, or so I thought, now he doesn’t enjoy the things we did in the beginning. When I told him I think we should live in separate places, his response was, not I would miss you but “man should not be alone”. Well then, go visit the kids.
Today at church, 3 people told me how nice he was to them. I am so glad he has on his fake self at church. We met at church. It is a religion I love and will stay with. Church leaders (those that are not NPD) are not equipped to deal with these men. They have a difficult time calling them to repentance. Anyway…We married. He read scripture, prayed, volunteered etc….still does! I sold off property to pay off his debts because God doesn’t want us to be in debt. I agreed, however, he keeps getting us back in with his grandiose toys and such. He is a hypocrite. We are still married and he has been ‘good’ for a month now after a talk with our pastor. Let’s see what happens in the next 6 months. Can he keep it up? He has been gone for 1 week and it has been heaven. He returns next weekend. He asked me today how I was doing and I said just fine. He said, “that’s a problem.” oops…did I not say the right thing?! I don’t feel sad or bad anymore. We have been married for 27 years too long. The problem is my retirement funds are wrapped up in his employment and he is due to retire in a few years. That is the ONLY reason I am still here.
I will take any and all advice. Thanks friends
Thank you so much for what you write on this site. Your keen observations here are the only thing that has made me feel better since my N. left six months ago.
I was very successful and lost my job during the ordeal that was a relationship with him. I nearly lost myself.
They are expert manipulators and can make you feel insane. He isolated me and I have no one yet he is never short on people to supply him.
This is the only time in my life I have been obsessed with an ended relationship. I just want to redeem myself, I want everyone to know what he did to me, that I’m not crazy as he portrayed me to others including the women he cheated on me with who would contact me!!
On the subject of religion, he came home from work one day to tell me he had “saved a person.” What happened really?
You guessed it. He ended up sleeping with her and was busted contacting her with nude messages at ANOTHER mistresses house. Meanwhile, he was telling the THREE of us each different scenarios to lie about and defame the other one.
I have never had an easy life but nothing compared to the pain and confusion he caused in me. And it never lessens or seems that way because I just want to understand and cannot.
@Moira — I went through the vilification from my N also. He tried to make ME out to be the crazy one when our relationship ended.
I did a few things that I regret, in an effort to “out” him. I called his mom. I told one of his best friends what happened when he contacted me. I wanted everyone in the world to know what a horrible, POS he is.
There is another post on this site about how to deal with this feeling, and why “outing” them is NOT worth the effort.
You don’t have to defend yourself, to him, to his enabling family and friends, and especially not to those trifling hobags he cheated on you with!
You know that you’re not crazy. The people who love you know that you’re not crazy. Everyone on this site who seeks support knows you are not crazy — and we’ve never met you.
When it ended, my friends, my real friends believed me. They always knew my N was bad news from the beginning.
Find your support system. The people who know and love you will stand by you. Everyone else can piss off!
This article is perfect timing for me. Divorcing my N cheater husband who lost his job a month ago just when I got a judgement for alimony.
Since then he is going to church, reading the bible, listening to sermons on the radio and trying to convince our adult children that he’s found his way. He reads the bible to them every time they visit.
Even says he will no longer watch any movies above a G rating.
I checked the call log on his cell and I guess that God condones continuing to communicate with the married co worker he had a 2 year affair with who is still very married to her husband.
Thank you for your postings. It’s nice to know I am not the crazy one.
Pardon the long comment! First off, Savannah, thank you so much for this blog! I always read your posts as they come in and this one spoke right to me so I had to respond, especially since you were being attacked by another commenter – I hope this is a drop of some more positivity to cancel out that unnecessary negativity! 🙂
I am a churchgoer myself and understand everything you said above about religion vs. spirituality. Gandhi was simply speaking the truth when he said “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ”. Like non-Christians and atheists, I would notice and over analyze the way so-called Christians treated each other that I simply had to just stop, make a decision to focus on my own salvation – and spirituality – and leave it at that. I too fell for a narcissist.
We almost made it into a “relationship” phase (if you can even call it that), until I started observing how controlling, selfish, overly critical, with little/no regard for boundaries, manipulative he was. He didn’t/couldn’t understand what reciprocity meant in a relationship. I firmly believe that it was his “Christian” talk that made me let down my guard and fall for him. I thought my prayers for a wise, gentle, kind, loving, Christian man had been answered – until I saw his true colors and then more fully realized why his previous marriage hadn’t worked out. When I had asked why they divorced, he said multiple times that she would say he didn’t love her. It was only after the scales fell from my eyes that I realized what that meant – he was incapable of loving her. The marriage fell apart just after their child had been born – and I believe it finally did because at such a vulnerable state she just couldn’t deal with/rationalize his selfishness and controlling tactics anymore alongside the pressures of being a new mother. He probably was incapable of truly loving her, me, or any woman, for that matter. Yet, ‘I love you’ would slip out of his lips only when I was saying goodbye, but for some reason it never really felt genuine because we hadn’t even discussed our “relationship” or the future of it, especially since it was a long-distance situation.
I can only imagine what women that were married to narcissists for years are going/have gone through. Once I realized I had too much to lose and too little to gain (reciprocity is key to me) in the “relationship” I cut off initiating/continuing any one-on-one contact with him. But it was really TOUGH; there was a lot of self-doubt/second-guessing, guilt (Why did I get impatient with his selfishness/mental games? Was I overreacting, after all?), etc. It was almost like this force pulling me back to him, to try to make things work, to patiently love him enough so he would eventually learn to reciprocate (or show him how to treat me by continuing to treat him well when he couldn’t even reciprocate – ha!), etc. It took a lot of willpower to not call, text, or e-mail him. When he called I’d keep conversations short or simply not answer the phone just then. Then I found out he had blocked me on Facebook – maybe he didn’t want me to see from whom he was getting his latest narc supply, maybe it was his way of seeing whether I would now call or e-mail to find out why he did that…..I didn’t and instead deleted his phone number (it was still in an old phone at the time), Skype contact, etc to prevent any future temptation :). Thank you again and kudos to the women (and men) who have survived being married to/in a long-term relationship with a narcissist. It is not an easy process at all.
I still have momentary flash backs of the mean, rude things he said and have to literally shake them out of my head when they pop up. Reading this blog, and exploring narcissism further I believe I had codependence tendencies that attracted me to this narcissist/narcissist types. I am now learning more about codependency, where it stems from and how to heal off it and be whole again. I wish you all love and success in this journey called life!
@ueo — Thank you for sharing your story.
As part of healing from my breakup I read “Codependent No More” and it has helped tremendously. It helped answer a lot of questions as to why I was putting up with my N’s bullshit, when a confident woman would have walked away from him within a few weeks. It forced me to face things from my childhood that I’ve buried and which caused these codependent tendencies to form. I finally feel awake and that I can at last break the cycle.
@NarcRepellent, thanks for your kind comment! Your words about feeling alive and being able to break the cycle resonated with me. It took some processing but I do feel that way too and working to strengthen it.
@Maggie, we are definitely not here to attack each other, however I’m not angry! @Chrissy voiced her opinion towards Savannah! I suggest you rewind . I agree with Savannah and I’m glad to have a circle of females who have understanding and similar experiences. I had no idea I was dealing with a Narc. I would say things about him, never had a title for him! So please @Maggie get your names right! I support Savannah’s opinions and thorough comments about the Narc monster and this site has really gotten knots out of my stomach.
Savannah, I, too have the same mindset on religion vs spirituality. I found a spiritual program 6 years ago through my addiction. Even though I was raised all my life in the Catholic religion, I never had spirituality until now. What a blessing and joy! This did not stop me from encountering and succumbing to the charms of a “religious” narcissist a couple of yrs ago. We even read the Bible together. He was married and had a girlfriend! I need to stay on my spiritual path and pay attention to my intuition. I now have two other narcissists stalking me from past relationships. Does it ever end?
It ends Marcy when you no longer feed it any energy.
Good for you Savannah! Obviously she has no idea of the damage these “Christian” narcissists do to us…talk about a wolf in sheep’s clothing. And Shay Shay must be very angry about something…who knows what! I am sorry she attached you. You are one of God’s angels bringing help to those of us who need to hear your ministry.
I am very much a Christian. I do my very best to walk the walk and talk the talk everyday, because I am not a fake as my N was! I, like you, have seen so many people who claim they are Christian…only to find they are selfish and manipulative, and my ex was certainly one of the biggest!
I wanted so much to have a wonderful Christian man in my life who loved me like Jesus does…and I truly believed he did. I provided everything we needed materialistically and he did not even have to work! He had closed his business when we met even though he had been in business for 13 years. He had gone through a divorce over a yr before and claimed too much debt was the cause. He was so manipulative and controlling after we married, but not before, lol. He even convinced me we would be happy in another place but never where we were as it was another man’s house. I loved him so much and was so blind… I left my beautiful home and acreage to buy him the ranch he always wanted…only to have him hate it too once we moved!
He was so good at what he did…convincing me somehow that I was responsible. I was actually brainwashed by this “Christian” man! It was on again off again for eight years. I divorced him and REMARRIED him! He could have sold ice to the Eskimos! I divorced him again after he got physical with me and broke down my bedroom door in 2012 only 15 months after we married the second time. I called the police and we even went through a domestic violence trial! He of course, convinced the judge that he didn’t do anything and walked. I would have bet money on it. He is just so “good”! I didn’t even want to testify because I knew the outcome, but they subpoenaed me. I had no choice! And it was horrible for me emotionally.
The sickest part is that no one but the spouse knows how horrible he is! He puts on such a show for others! “Christian” loving man…church going, blah blah blah! What a selfish, self-absorbed jerk!
Yes, I was foolish. And I loved him…when he was good ;( I did not know about narcissists! And then,I would not let myself believe that he could be one because after all he was a Christian! Sure…wrong. He even told me he read his entire Bible after his first divorce and his ex took his two sons miles away. He underlined all the verses about love…why? Now I believe it was so he could manipulate with greater success!
I could go on and on…but I won’t. I just want to say THANK YOU! Savannah, I only wish your blog had been out there years back ,so I could have realized what he was before I put myself through the hell again!
I am better now…and read your blog every week. Praise God for you and that you care enough to reach out to those of us who have gotten lost in the evil snares of a narcissist…especially one who is a “Christian”. How they use God for their plot is so very wrong…I just wonder if he knows how evil that is!
And one more time…THANK YOU!
My N met me while I was still married and I believe that the fact I was married made getting me all the more satisfying. He was so convincing that he was the same religon as me and how he felt God had put him in my path to get me and my daughter out of a bad situation and that I had to take a leap of faith and believe that he would be there to catch me. Well after a lot of praying and him with the constant preaching I was convincent or brainwashed that I needed to leave my husband and be with him. Never in the 8 years we were together did he ever step foot in a church. (I think it would have burned down) He would always stop and help the homeless and preach about God to young kids at parks. He would always try quote scripture to me and interpert it but I went to private Christian school and church 3 times a week I knew so much more than he could ever pretend to and I would correct him all the time even opening the Bible and reading the passage he was incorrectly using and he still was able to convince me I was wrong and he was right. I stopped going to church and reading the Bible he was my religion and he liked it that way. But as is his nature I soon wasn’t exciting enough and the cheating began. He was transparent about it too didn’t try to hide it. He would simply create an argument out of no where and verbally abuse me until I was in tears and walk out and not have contact with me for days then come back and tell me about the other woman and that if I wanted to keep him I would have to behave and do as he said. He would pray with me to God. I am still screwed up because I am desperate to hear from him. And I know he is no good for me but he got me to the point that without him there is no me. I can’t function without him. I am not sure how I got here but I trusted God or at least I truly believed I was following God’s plan for me. Thank you for all your stories I wish I could hug you all!!!
I’d be weary of anyone who is sanctimonious or rabid about any belief, whether that belief is one of the Abrahamic religions or that juicing and giving up gluten will magically change your life. But while the health/fitness nut is usually just an annoyance, a religious narcissist who has sway in a community (a preacher/minister) is exceptionally dangerous.
On another note, my ex N told me he was agnostic once I told him that I am an atheist. Mind you, I’m not the angry type like Dawkins, and really wouldn’t have cared what his beliefs were.
As our relationship progressed, I came to discover he was not agnostic, at all. He simply said this to appeal to me.
In fact, he didn’t even know what the damn term and concept actually means. He even tried to tell me that the Christian church he attended as a child was a branch of agnosticism. (?!)
What a dumb ass. That’s how much of a chameleon he was.
@JMR — I was really saddened by reading your story.
Clearly your N saw that your religion is very important to you, and he preyed on that and lied to you as a way to rope you in, much like how my N saw that my variety of non-belief is very important to me, and he told me he was agnostic when he is not.
You mentioned you stopped reading the Bible and going to church. You’ll find throughout all of our stories that is a common thread — Ns can’t handle us having any hobbies, interests or a life outside of focusing on them, so they work to break us and get us to give up the things and people we love.
For me, my N tried to isolate me from my friends and put me in situations where I chose to flake on work events. I love going out, it’s a huge part of my job, and he hated that and did everything he could to make me give it up, from throwing tantrums to making the experience of going out so miserable for me that I’d just cave and not go.
I really think you should go back to church. Pick up the Bible and read some passages that bring you comfort. Are there any activities your church will be hosting that you can attend? This is an important part of your life that means something to you. I hope you reclaim it. Don’t let him take that away from you.
Savannah, way to address the above post. So eloquent. Knowing a narcissist has brought the understanding of evil to a new level for me. You nailed the whole thing with your post and your response to that comment. I used to pray that the narcissist I knew would know God, but in learning about the many facets of narcissism I find that the church is LOADED with them. Being a “believer” does not exclude you from being a jerk or a narcissist or just your garden variety “sinner”. I have seen all sorts of people use their beliefs as a way to control others. It is good to learn to watch for all the signs of a wolf that preys on the sheep in all walks of life. I am glad you are here doing that. You were the first one that enlightened me to the truth of the experience I was having with a narcissist. And it was the start on the path to healing. I am grateful for that.
I was married to a narcissist for 23 years. He was arrogant and superior when I first met him, but I fell for his charms. He never loved me, he just loved himself. He became a Christian when we had been married for 18 months. I was over the moon, because I thought at last he would become less self-centred and more loving. I was wrong. He didn’t change his ways at all. In fact he became worse, lashing out in temper when things didn’t go his way or according to plan. He became more controlling and manipulative too. To the outside world he looked like a good church-going christian man, but at home he was a monster. As he made his way up the career ladder, and became more successful he became even more pompous. He thought he knew everything, and thought he was superior to everyone, even the law. In his mind, I think he felt he was God. When many years later I finally summoned up the courage to leave him (along with our 4 children) he was furious. His biggest concern wasn’t about losing me, his very words ‘What are people going to think and say!’ It was all about appearances, and how it looked from the outside. I look back on that half of my life now, and wondered why I stayed so long. He had belittled me so much and stifled my soul and spirit that I had been too frightened and powerless to leave. I now have peace of mind in my life, and I am more content than I have ever been. I live in peace, not having to pussy-foot round an aggressive self-seeking monster. If I ever marry again, I would want to be loved for who I am, and not what I supply or provide. They would have to be my equal, not a bombastic, egocentric, bigoted, self-seeking, controlling, manipulative bore!!!!!
Thrilled to read this article. I couldn’t grasp the connection of the N and religion till I read this article! My N attended his church every Sunday “no matter what” & taught Bible Study to a group at the diner once a week. He thrived on that attention. He claimed he saw signs from people who passed away- lights blinking, power outages,free parking spots – That sure made him “special”! He had a daughter who died of Bulemia. Do N parents influence their children’s eating disorders negatively? The image of his well worn Bible gave me a false sense of security as my brain whirled with confusion from the yo yo-ing and the faux charm.
Absoutely.
In fact, to say that I am deeply spiritual but an atheist is sure to bring a hoard of people telling me how wrong I am, because religious people, above all people in my experience, KNOW THEY ARE RIGHT AND ATHEISTS ARE WRONG. In fact, in my therapy we determined that it was easier for me to break away from the narcissist I was married to for 23 years than from the torch of narcissisic religion held by my mother. In fact, it was being raised in a religious family that set the stage for me to have a long-term marriage to a narcissist.
Wow…it never ceases to amaze me how many times you perfectly describe my ex-narcissist to a T! He was a former atheist who became a Christian just before we met. He’s read every book about modern Christianity and we had the most amazing discussions about our spirituality and God’s purpose for our lives. After 3 years of ups and downs followed by a marriage proposal, he abruptly dumped me for a woman he had been seeing on the side. He confessed all to me after we attended church together one Sunday. He was so cold and unfeeling…I hardly knew what hit me. He continues to talk about how God’s grace is so abundant…blah blah blah. He conveniently overlooks the “truth” of how God expects us to live our lives loving & caring for one another. Thank you for helping me to better understand how he could proclaim to be a man of God while treating me (and every other woman he’s been in a relationship with) so abominably!
A right on article once again! My most recent experience involved a seemingly very polite and kind man i met on line. He sent me multiple pictures of he…and his daughter. Some showed him in a cleric’s collar…and he and daughter praying, bible open, over parishoners in church. nice right? i later caught him in packs of lies regarding “friends”…oh so many , many of them…females …from an asian dating site and some transgender….after professions and promises of exclusive “love for me” “Trust your man!” he says. Your articles are helping so many of us make sense of such confusion , and the reasons for it.
Another revelation that I clearly missed. My N only acknowledged religion or quoted scripture when he needed something or he scored! I’m a spiritual person, that’s what protected me for almost 5 years. My N would loses employment and “lay on the beach with Jesus” he would know all about the word, until he conquered another job and then it was back to I’m the best thing that ever happened to that company I work for now! My N blames his father for his impaired ways, because his dad is a non believer. But he will not conform to his dads ways, because he is a better man because of his religion. I’m rambling because I can think of so many instances that I missed, and Savannah, as always jarred my mind, and continues to help assure me how very important it is to stay away and don’t look back! Appreciate my N giving me his ass to kiss! It’s not me, it’s him!
So what are your “spiritual” beliefs? Do you even believe in God? Or that Jesus is your Savior? It seems you are a slave to the bondage of your Narcissist blog and your own suffering to me, and that, this is your God you worship. Whether your relatives were carnal or not; doesn’t make God the bad guy, or because of all the self-absorbed men you have encountered. ALL people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Is your ONLY knowledge about safeguarding oneself against these types of men, or is your substance deeper then preaching your own gospel about this all the time? Just wondering with all due respect. 🙂
While I am always open to comments that disagree with me or have an alternate point of view, I usually don’t post comments that are hate-filled, judgmental or aren’t helpful in any way. I usually don’t invest any energy in hate, but I thought I’d make an exception to Chrissy’s comment, because she helps prove a small point I was trying to make in this blog. I first have to say that it’s comical when people attack your character and motives and criticize you outright and then justify the harshness of their statement with a “with all due respect.” As if that negates their lack of manners and kindness. Well Chrissy – Esteemology is read in 102 different countries around the world and not all of them are Christian. Thank you for proving my point that Religion is exclusive – meaning it says if you don’t believe what I believe then you are wrong….whereas spirituality is inclusive – meaning it leaves no one out. I am a spiritual person, I believe in God and I don’t think I ever said God was, “the bad guy,” as you put it. I’m not sure how you inferred from this article that I don’t believe in God. What I don’t believe in are people that claim to be “Godly” and act like the complete opposite – I think Jesus called them hypocrites. This article is about how Narcissists use religion to manipulate and control others – you seem to have missed the point entirely, but I’m sure when you go to church on Sunday and listen to your minister talk about loving thy neighbor – and that you shouldn’t judge other people, you will probably miss that point entirely too – “with all due respect.”