Scapegoat: The problem child, or the trouble maker in the family. They stand out from their Golden Child and Peace Keeping siblings, because they speak out, or act out – they bring awareness to the dysfunction in the family, intentionally or unintentionally, rather than deny, or avoid, as the others choose to do. They are the only emotionally honest ones in the family and as such, they are the recipient of the Emotionally Abusive Parent’s ire. The family then labels this child as the bad one, or rebellious one and they receive the brunt of the disdain, blame and responsibility for the family’s issues. They serve as the cause of the family strife, a needed distraction for the other family members, keeping them from acknowledging the real problems within the household.
The Emotionally Manipulative Parent forms an Oligarchy within the home, creating a hierarchy of those, who he or she likes best. The chosen ones are those that make the family look good. They don’t rock the boat, they don’t outwardly question the parent’s behavior and they have an easier time adapting to the toxic atmosphere.
The Emotionally Manipulative Parent uses several deflection techniques to escape accountability for behaviors that others would consider abusive. The problem child sticks out because they speak out and do not blindly accept the parent’s word as law. Instead they criticize, question and generally have a negative attitude towards the parent, while still seeking their approval at the same time. While their experience and maturity are ill equipped to identify the problem, they none-the-less know there is one. Scapegoat children often grow up to be champions of justice and fair play.
In the meantime, the parent’s treatment of the child becomes punitive and their goal is to smear the reputation of the child and silence them before anyone notices the validity of their allegations.
The Consequences of No Support
What exacerbates the problem is the complicity of the other parent and siblings. Once they notice that the Scapegoat is being served up as the family sacrifice, they get in on the act, with blaming, accusing and taunting, never supporting or standing behind them and never acknowledging the truth. Thus, you have the “problem child” standing alone, wondering if they are in fact the problem.
The scapegoat sees that the chosen siblings receive love and attention from the Emotionally Manipulative Parent, which deeply wounds the child, because they are seldom, if ever, on the receiving end of praise and affection. What they understand is that the parent is capable of giving those things, but chooses to withhold it from them.
This lack of support by everyone in the Scapegoated Child’s environment makes them question their own perception of reality and creates cognitive dissonance, conditioning them to doubt their senses and perpetually question their ability to read a situation. They then accept the role as the problem child and act out accordingly.
Some become rebellious and anti-social. They may abuse drugs or alcohol, their grades suffer, their circle of friends are often similar outcasts and they tend to be promiscuous early on.
They also become self-destructive. They internalize the Abusive Parent’s perception of them, as broken and flawed. They watch their nearest and dearest treat them poorly, naturally they treat themselves the same way. Because those closest to them don’t treat them as a person of value, they, in turn, don’t treat themselves as persons of value, so rather than learning how to practice self-care, they learn instead to self-harm.
These beliefs become internalized and become a part of their psyche. They have a direct effect on confidence, self-esteem, and one’s ability to trust. They effect their choice of friends, partners, career decisions and their overall demeanor. They will often find themselves becoming the Scapegoat in their romantic relationships and other avenues of their life.
When The Mantle of Problem Child Doesn’t Fit
Once the Scapegoat reaches a certain level of maturity and if they have the cognitive ability and insight, they will start to feel like the mantle of “Problem Child” doesn’t fit – that it never fit. On the road to healing, the problem child is able to acknowledge that this role was chosen for them, rather than something they chose themselves. They begin to see themselves as not bad or flawed, but frustrated and stuck in a toxic environment that they could not escape.
They are able to see the Emotionally Manipulative Parent as lacking the essential skills necessary for healthy parenting. That their parent was incapable of seeing them as separate from themselves and that children have emotional and psychological needs that they were obligated to meet – not vice versa. The Scapegoat realizes that their parent lacked the insight necessary to know that children are on a different level of maturity than adults and should not be treated like adults and that their parent was choosing self-preservation over their child’s well-being.
Many of my clients choose, as adults, to go no contact or have limited contact with their parent. No contact is a necessary option for those who threaten your well-being and continue to victimize you, who accept no responsibility for their actions and who refuse to make any changes to their behavior.
Recovery is all about taking back your power and putting firm boundaries in place. We must understand that we get to decide the type of people and the type of behavior that’s allowed in our circle and that we are allowed to have these choices. We get to decide what mantle we wear, who we are and who we want to be – no one else. Remember that what you put out there comes back to you, so take off the cloak of the scapegoat and be who you were meant to be.
Your Comments!!!!!!!
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I’ve completely annihilated every trauma that my children’s went trought. I’ve deflected emotions, I’ve abused emotionally anyone i can to manipulate the situation to how i’d like it percived by others. As soon as i start to feel a possible oppositional behaviour from my entourage about the way things should run, I will isolate the case and make it become “the scapegoat”. Did it with my husband, my sister, my son…i don’t think i am going to be able to stop this pattern as it is now engraved in my traumatized daughters.
Just..wow. I’m 42 and my mother STILL loves to tell stories about how “easy” my brother was and how “difficult” I was. The problem is, her stories are 70% crap, as she is well known to exaggerate to the point of lying. I am in awe of how accurate this article is, right down to the complacency of my Dad and brother. My parents eventually divorced and my Dad died 10 years ago. The last few years of his life, he repeatedly asked for my forgiveness for not sticking up for me. He flat out told me that he knew back then that had he stuck up for me, she would turn on him. He went along with her to make his life “easier”, and he felt tremendous amounts of guilt for it. My Dad died from alcoholism and I often wonder if his addiction was made worse by our home life..? I do love my mother and I really wish our last years together could be different. I’ve noticed a change in the dynamic of our relationship and I have told my husband a number of times that I believe that it’s because she’s the same person she was 30 years ago and I am not. She still turns to bullying and belittling me anytime I don’t agree with her. It makes me feel a great deal of sadness seeing the way that she has isolated herself from most people with her toxic personality. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my empathy and be more like her. It would make it so much easier on me. This is the third year in a row that our family will not be celebrating any holidays. That’s the newest game that my mother plays when she doesn’t get her way. She LOVES to take things away or withhold love as a punishment for noncompliance. I never thought I would be in my 40s and still feeling the sting of her constant rejection.
not a lot to say other than exactly – it is hard slog to get out but I did finally and am now writing about it comprehensively myself. I recognise what a miracle it is that I am still alive and who I am – been my life’s work in many ways and now i can share that story with others to hep them through it too
Savanna Grey,
Thank you so much for this article and it’s clarity and insight! It resonated do well and is so very validating!
The dysfunction, abuse and scapegoating I grew up with from my mother has been soul crushing. She verbally brutalized me rather than look at the real causing of her problems. Instead of acknowledging her 2nd husband’s emotional withholding, immaturity, cheating, controlling, verbal abuse toward my brother & I and molestion of me …… she raged at me to “stop causing trouble” by talking about the toxic household.
It was safer to blame and take out her frustration on me > than confront him. She chose her need to not get divorced again and be taken care of > over her children.
She refuses to acknowledge her participation/collusion in the verbal & emotional abuse and the 10 yrs of sexual abuse I suffered while she chose to look the other way.
I’ve been No Contact with my mother for 6 yrs and have no intention to reconnect – ever.
So sorry you experienced that. Your strength will carry you forward.
My malignant narcissist mother scapegoated me to the end-and I was no contact for decades!
Her death has brought a relief, new hope and a burden lifted that I never thought possible after being NC for so long!! I escaped early, but her vile character disorder never let up.
The joke is on Satan now.
Hearing about the “Grey method”, earlier……i found this site. I have spent the majority of the day feeding my soul with your words. THANK YOU for your heartfelt approach. You are a healer. Teacher. Lover of souls and giving so many of us tips to RISE AND THRIVE. i do believe the N is the most amazing teacher in our lifetimes. We can learn to love ourselves, the ways we were never shown and we can choose to break the chain . I have dedicated my life to giving love to my children, my beautiful husband and my close circle of friends. It has not come with out a price, however. I think every friend and lover i had , until i met my husband was a N. I chose these people bc it was what i knew. It was how I was loved ~ sadly, the pain, like all the stories i have read here was tremendous, until, i decided to no longer take the victim role. I am now in my 40’s and walking to freedom has been a long road. I do not ever plan to walk backwards.
Being the oldest daughter of a psychopathic father, Narc mother with mulit personalities , i was the scapegoat for as long as i can remember. My sister is the peacemaker/golden child…..my 1rst brother is def the golden child as he is in professional sports and my youngest brother, while, he is the jester/wanna b peacemaker ~ his profession is in hospice. My N mother receives much supply doting on him as well ~ he avoids everyone else, as he was the product of her second marriage. My step father, was an empath, who never found his voice . She would not allow it. He was beaten down , like the rest of us . Both fathers are dead and now she relies on the two boys. My sister and i realized her triangulation tactics early in life and have always been eachothers touch stones….highly functioning and deeply injured by a lifetime of her abuse. We know who she is and we stay in limited contact. We understand EXACTLY what we are dealing with and so do our spouses , who are both empaths, like us and remarkable men. When we realized 30 years ago, there was a label for this pain, we intentionally recreated our lives, fell into self-care by accident. This led to lots of prayer and using the law of attraction to find our husbands. To heal , you must make this your intention. it doesn’t come over night, as i was almost 30 before i found the love of my life. I dated 4 Narc men up to that point and was engaged to a covert pscyhopath for 60 days, until he beat my up, out of the blue one night, held me captive and threatened to kill me with a knife to my throat. I would have been his 4th wife. I knew him for 30 days, when he proposed. He was one of my greatest teachers, besides my parents. You see , it HAD to be THAT BAD, for me to understand the lesson. I knew him only 90 days total. Each was a terrible person. But, all were like my parents. I was seeking love from “the critical parent”. Each had a different name, face and life but they were all the same person. They were all my mother and father. Not until, i recognized this pattern of self abuse, did change occur. Self love is the answer.
We have lived a life most would NEVER believe. It has been filled with every kind of abuse, trauma and pain. My sister, who is amazing, was just saying to me last week, “after all we’ve been through, we should be in a crack house, shooting up….BUT LOOK AT US NOW”. We call her the “black hole and soul”. We reserve the right to say “no” , to her and everyone else, who sets off our N triggers. Learning to say no has been the best gift I have been able to give myself. It is so liberating and loving.
I mostly wanted to send hope to everyone. and, thanks. I have read most of the comments on this site and have been given so much food for thought. I am not alone. My sister is not alone. The friends i have who are also victims of N, are NOT alone. I will be sharing this community with many people, during the holiday season, as the class B personality cluster disorders are in full bloom. Thank you for this website. xoxoxoxoxoxo love love love your way.
So beautifully written and meant for me to read. Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
This is the best article! Wow… I have been reading your blog mainly because of my narcissistic brother, but this describes my husband to a “T”. His mother had some kind of mental issue – he says bipolar and I think borderline, but of course nothing was diagnosed. She died a few years ago now. In any case, she would often ostracize my husband after he confronted her about something she said or did (for example, she was on the “Barack Obama doesn’t have a real birth certificate” bandwagon – an argument which caused her to stop talking to him for about two years after he pointed out she was incorrect).
There are three other brothers in the family and they were NEVER ostracized. My husband was constantly. The other brothers would have family events and not invite us, obviously shunning the trouble-maker. I could go on and on with all the favoritism. When their mother passed away, it was interesting. Not one of those special sons could think of anything to say about her life. And then, gradually, the animosity towards my husband lessened somewhat. It occurred to me then that SHE had been the one feeding the resentment and anger. It’s not completely gone, of course, but without the constant negative commentary from Mom, they are letting up. Still, it’s a lifelong habit and way of thinking about each other.
What I struggle with is my husband. I am trying to get the courage, and find the right moment, to show him this post. I want to give it to him when he has the best chance of accepting it. So many times he’s asked me, “Why don’t my brothers like me? What have I done to them?” He so desperately wants a family, for many reasons, and tries so very hard, but nothing much changes. I’ve suggested giving up on them – it’s not worth the effort! You get so little from them and it never changes. Sometimes he gets angry and says “I’m NEVER going back to my brothers again!” But he does. He’s also, sadly, the one who visits his mother’s grave, trims the rose bushes, keeps it clean. It seems as if he’s so upset at her passing because he could never reconcile that relationship. The part in your blog where you talk about the scapegoat desperately wanting to be accepted by the parent is so true! She cut him out of her will. He organized the funeral, gave the eulogy, told the pastor what to say about his mother…
It absolutely kills him. Here’s my question: How do I help the Scapegoat Escape? Maybe that’s ambitious, but are there ways of responding that will be helpful rather than enabling? How can I best support him?
sounds like a great Halloween costume idea, I can just go as myself.
Your comment struck a chord with me because, as a scapegoat child from a viscous family dynamic, I feel sympathy with your husband. Despite the horror of my childhood, I was the one there in the end for both of my parents as they lay dying. I was the one who made the arrangements for funerals and settling the estate. My golden child brother wasn’t there.
The way you help your husband heal is by loving him. Yes, of course you love him, but I mean verbalizing it ways that couples don’t always do. This is how my husband helped me heal. He tells me specific things he likes and appreciates about me daily in a very genuine, intimate but casual way. Things like “I really appreciate that you have such a good eye for decorating. We have a beautiful home thanks to you.” “I love how tender you are with the animals.” “I love how smart you are. I find it really sexy.” “You have a real talent for that.” “Thank you for handling that. You excel in solving that kind of problem.” He also says thank you on a regular basis. Things others might take for granted, he openly appreciates, so he’ll say “thanks for helping me find my glasses,”or “thanks cooking. I really enjoyed that.” Of course, I do the same for him. Our marriage is full of expressed kindnesses and courtesies. Also, my husband never inflicts guilt on me. If I am sick, he takes care of me without complaint. If I don’t want to do something, he doesn’t goad me into it. He respects my opinions and choices, and says so, even if he disagrees (which he also states, respectfully). He listens to me without judgement when I am upset. We treat each other with respect. We have built a strong partnership. Thanks to this— his genuine nature and expressed valuing of me— I have been able to heal. In inches perhaps, but heal nonetheless. He gave me safe space and reminded me I’m not the crazy one in my family. He gave me a safe harbor to be myself, warts and all, and still be loved. As the result of this, I have been able to see how I became my own abuser in my own head after getting away from my parents, and learned to stop it. I don’t torture myself mentally anymore over my perceived inadequacies, as I learned them from my mother. Through my husband’s loving eyes and expressed appreciation, I learned to love myself.
So, you can help your husband heal by loving and appreciating him just for who he is, and saying so.
I’m lucky I guess. I was raised by two hands on parents that really loved me. All that changed; when I had an Epiphany of Jesus. I was 23; an adult. My family is Jewish. My three brothers are sell outs; that fit the “family mold;” Telling my parents what they wanted to hear; while I was an individual; always telling the Truth. I’m the only family member; that love the Truth, and can handle the painful Truth. I accept feedback graciously; while they fall to pieces over a little constructive criticism. I’m 60
Scapegoating in families, bullying, emotional abuse, and mental problems are all great tabus, even in the 21st century. Physical abuse is “easier” to spot and recognize, If you separate yourself from a parent that beat you up and you have bruises and broken bones to show as proof, you’re a hero. If your soul gets broken and bruised, it’s a different story.
Someone commented here that the cultural, social norms stop many of us because “Thou shall… or shall not.” Family skeletons are still carefully tucked in deep closets and the rule of keeping all the dysfunctions at home and showing off to the outside world a different image is pretty much what’s expected. The social norm is: children respect their parents (dysfunctions and all) for bringing them to this world.
My ex was an emotional abuser to our son. My son, now and adult but still living with me while taking post-secondary education, distanced himself and the only contact he is allowing himself is texting for almost a year now. A few months ago, my ex’s texts must’ve upset my son to the point that he was telling me: “I’m blocking my dad.” What was my reaction? Although, I had told my son, he is an adult, it’s his choice and blah, blah, blah… my comment was: “Maybe think about it! You can always not answer.” Why? Because I have been so well trained that “thou shall respect your parents.”
When my “well wishing” family and friends ask about my ex’s father-son relationship and I tell them the truth, they become genuinely concerned: “Oh, that’s not good. He is still biological father and for the good of your son’s being they should…” What? Is my son going to be a criminal because he doesn’t keep in touch with his dysfunctional father? My son has already figured his biological father’s games and is trying to break free. I usually, tell my son that that he is the only one to choose and none of the choices he faces are really good: because if he is keeping in touch with his dad he is subjecting himself to a lot of negativity and if he doesn’t he is going against the social norms and biological tie which is really hard on a person his age.
Time will show…
And from a parent point of view: don’t we all judge each other? Don’t we look with envy at the so called successful children of other family members or friends and say or hear other commenting: “They did such a good job raising their children. Look, their children are all doctors, bought houses, raise families, are heterosexual, whatever?” So little credit is given to the children themselves. And what about children who grew up in totally dysfunctional inside and out families and broke free and became successful???!!! It sure wasn’t for their parents.
Your comment reminded me of something that really astounds me. How many people do you hear who want to “move back to be near family”. There is such a societal norm that you should love and want to spend lots of time with your family.
I rarely talk about my family except with close friends because what I have to say is so counter to “normal” thinking. Most people think that somebody who doesn’t want to spend lots of time with their family is very weird, odd, unloving, etc., etc.
I can assure you that if your ex-husband is abusive, it is not helping your son. Nobody needs to be exposed to that kind of treatment. I hope your son can learn to move on and not get dragged down by a person who is cruel to him.
This sums up my life almost word for word. I have finally learned to accept that I am a good person without my mother’s approval.
Dear Savannah, as someone who has recently discovered the concept of narciccism I have been reading your weekly posts with enthusiasm.. They have provided us with much comfort in the knowledge that what we are going through is not unique – there really is a problem here and it is not caused by us! This post has really resonated with me because my husband is very much the scapegoat in our situation. His father and older brother have (in my opinion) an unhealthily close relationship and the family is in pieces. It is them I suspect to be the narcissists. His father has a history of ‘ghosting’ his own brother and sister over the years and has done it to his youngest son in the past and now his middle son (my husband). After many years of being blamed for situations because if a business involvement we are now ignored by the rest of the family (although we know that we are talked about as things filter through that one party cannot have known without the other’s communication of it). we have been resolute in our position with regard to contact – they persist in asking to see our children and we reply we are happy to let that happen if we can try and resolve our issues and find a healthy working relationship. They never respond to our requests. Thank you for making us feel we are not alone!
This describes me within my family to a tee. Now that we are adults, not much has changed. My adult siblings are in the same roles as when we were kids: one doesn’t let it affect him/doesn’t get involved, and the other projects “I’m so fragile I will collapse if anyone asks me to look at anyone but me as a victim.”
I have recently been ejected from the family for standing up to our mother in defense if my husband and children…a bold act I was swiftly punished for by being accused of something so outlandish that I was stunned. She accused me of abusing (wouldn’t name what kind of abuse) a brother 23 years my junior while he was growing up. The rest of the family acknowledges that this accusation is false, especially the brother it was about, but still advised me to overlook it, “because that’s the way Mom is.”
Since I will not apologize for something I never did…I have been sacrificed. My mother still reigns supreme. I have learned that whether I am being abused or not, whether she tells blatant lies or not…i am expendable, while my mother isnt.
No one stuck up for me, no one confronted her, no one wants “to get involved in the conflict between Mom and [I]”
So I have no family of origin anymore. Some days this makes me very sad, on others I’m angry and disgusted. But mostly, I feel sorry for a group of people who would rather live a lie than summon up the courage to accept only honesty. They are desperate for her attention…to the point that they will go along with scapegoating the eldest sister…the one who really took care of them as children, while our parents did not
This is totally me.. on one side I was an only child (parents divorced) I was blamed by that parent for everything wrong in life… still am to this day… on the other side I was the problem chlid as my siblings are so much younger… I have no relationship with that parent at all now that my siblings are grown (only one sibling see that I am not the monster I was painted to be) this article definitely seems like it could have been me…
Wow… I’ve heard “you know how she is”, “that’s just her way” and “but she is your sister” so many times from family members who try to justify my sociopath sister’s behavior. My response has always been “yes, I know how she is and so do YOU… so why are you trying to defend and justify her lying, manipulative, abusive behavior”. Needless to say, I’ve been ousted from the family. It hurts like hell, but not nearly as bad as staying and enduring the abuse would be…
Oh how I needed this reminder today. I really need emotional support around this, and this reminder did help bring me back to reality as I was starting to go under the fog of my mother having decided I’m ‘the problem’ and getting my brothers to both act as her minions and get me to come back…or hoovering as it’s known.
I’ve been in such incredible agony recently…waking up each morning in agony emotionally. I know they are not happy with me…of course they aren’t. I’ve remained defiant for 4 years strong now, having gone no contact. I’ve had so many people in between accuse me of being the narcissist, as I have few friends, having been betrayed and fucked around by so many so called ‘friends’ I am very selective about who I am friends with and have gone for long periods of time without any friends to protect myself.
Because of this some people, having read info online about narcs have attacked me saying I’m the narc. I don’t think I could be because I’ve actually asked myself if I am and introspected around the issue. I recently let my brother back into my life and nothing has changed…as expected. He’s just as big of a psychopath as he was last time I spoke to him and this time he’s trying to convince me that i’m the narc…but if I’m the narc why are they so keen to get me back into the fold? If I’m the bane of their existence wouldn’t they want me to just stay gone? I sense they now think i’m ‘boring’. It’s been 4 years and I won’t give in.
I’ve put up boundaries and they’ve continually disregarded and disrespected them, and me. I stupidly sent my mother a letter saying if she’d like to give it another go and let me call her to talk to let me know…and for that I get the silent treatment …again! 4 years of her trying to get me back and as soon as I say “fuck it a phone conversation couldn’t hurt for 10 minutes” she starts it all back up again?? Crazy.
Anyway, I’m so glad I found this page as I was in serious pain this morning. Doing my best to self soothe and I stepped out of that imposed role years ago. They thought I was just throwing a tantrum and would come crawling back, and thought they were close to that happening, but I’ve stuck to my guns, so now they all hate me and it’s strengthened my mothers conviction that i’m the problem. I hear this all psychically in my head and it sometimes takes reading it somewhere like this to really gel in my head that it’s really not me…even though I do know it’s not, if that makes sense.
Thankyou thankyou thankyou. <3
Lucinda,
My lesson has been that your abusive family members have to be 100% out of your life. It’s difficult to do because you are defying all of the norms of society which dictate that you should love your family. It’s very difficult to break free, but to gain some inner peace, you have to start a new life without any of these people. The ultimate goal is that you rarely ever think about them-they are not part of your world.
You’ll probably have to break many old established patterns and perhaps even have to move to a new place so that you’re away from them and can create a new life for yourself. It’s a waste of your time to ever think that they will change.
Best of luck.
Katy
I appreciate your response, and yes, I hardly ever think about my birth giver or ex provider/sperm donor these days, though I have got a soft spot for my brother, but he has warn his welcome out very thinly. I have blocked him on my phone because he does nothing but dominate the conversation, crap on about the Illuminati (been going on for 20 years straight…it’s like he’s a broken record and never talks about anything else…I think he’s gone quite nuts) and another brother who all took my parents side and don’t believe me when I try saying how they treated me, because it was so vastly different to their experiences, not just as boys but as the golden child and my youngest brother was also the black sheep but not sure how it’s all switched to now that I’m gone. I told them all many times that I relinquish the role of scapegoat. I know my brother is trying to hoover me back in. I have left town and am living in the country and plan to head to europe as soon as the money arrives. I have a passport to live there, so I’m lucky. The pain of the process was excruciating though as I had a lot of love for them all growing up and never thought it would come to this, but I cannot unknow the truth and I cannot go back and pretend it’s ok to just put up with it. A couple of male ‘friends’ are trying to encourage me to go back, thinking it’s just a matter of them not accepting me smoking weed. Men have less focus on self preservation I know…it’s not about weed, it’s about my mental health and i choose that because they don’t give a shit about my mind, or me. All they care about is getting me back in the fold to start all the shit up again and I’m not prepared to let that happen, so yeah…I’ve had mostly support from good female friends, and minimal disrespect, so I’ve been lucky. Thankyou.
This article so was my life on paper. Me as the scapegoat and my bother as the golden child. These last 8 years have been harder since our mother the parent who caused it got sick then passed away 7 years ago it got worse. So I got worse is acting out guess you can say in a toxic relationship I know was not good for me. But couldn’t get out of it. This could not of come at a better time.
They are bored without you. Just like the bullies in grade school after they get detention.
I feel everything you said. I outsmarted my Parents very young by getting educated and never needing any money from them. We have six kids and they all kissed@ss in various ways except for me as there was no reward for anything. Me: so what’s the point. Me never needing them or my Mother. My dad was cruel, insulting as well as a racist yet compliant with the Dictator Mother who always threatened to put you on her “list”. My sister even threw me down the stairs. My Dad beat me up just fir non compliance once sbd after that I knew to get out ASAP and thru education.
Somehow I’m regarded as the spoiled brat getting everything I wanted because I got out and buy it myself lol
Thanks Savannah for sharing your knowledge. I enjoy your articles.
A well put together article as usual!
I have a question. My mother was Autistic. It makes her motive and behaviour different from a Narcissistic mother, but the same results. What are your thoughts on this??
Lorraine I think obviously the motivation behind the behavior is completely different. Autistic people aren’t manipulative, just in their own head. The unfortunate part is that it’s the behavior that matters to a child and the feelings it causes, so the outcome is often the same.
Thank you for writing this. Family scapegoating is a big problem and the world needs to stop and to learn that the learned psychological behaviour of scapegoating is ineffective and will paralyse human intelligence … paralyse emotional intelligence and creates a lot of suffering, mental illness dysfunctional relationships family breakdowns family violence unemployment illness suicide depression anxiety addiction confusion poverty homelessness war, racism, terrorism, suicide bullying … and is all related to family scapegoating as it prevents humans evolving
Bless you Savannah! “They are the only emotionally honest ones in the family.” I was always the scapegoat in my emotionally dysfunctional family. In my mid-twenties, I went to a therapist who told me, “You think you’re a bad person,” and upon immediately hearing those words, I started crying deeply because she was right. That’s how my parents and siblings made me feel. Thanks to you, I now see that being the “scapegoat” is actually something to be proud of. And I also know now that I can always trust my gut, because it was my gut as a child that told me the truth, and led me to saying the truth to my family at any cost. My wish is that every scapegoat could read this brilliant piece about Life as the Scapegoat. Thank you again.
Ahh Savannah, this has been a welcome sight to my scapegoat eyes!
I was always labelled as the difficult one and the one ‘most affected’ by-election my parents divorce.
More recently I’ve been dismissed over concerns for my brothers mental illness.. I’ve found limited contact works for me. Although it’s incredibly hard when you see your siblings loved and supported.
Thanks again. You are a warrior Savannah.
You are spot on.I was definitely the family’s scapegoat . My mother passed away several years ago,besides the emotional repair,she cannot hurt me anymore. The problem i have is my sister? She cannot see me as anything but the scapegoat. I cannot take anymore of it. You cannot tell her anything. Is no contact the only way?
Annette you can try limited contact – if you can handle it. Just go in knowing that that is how she’s going to react – don’t spend any of your time or energy trying to change her mind and don’t absorb anything she says.
Thanks, it is the craziest making mess i have ever seen. She will beg me to visit,when i get there treat me like a dog. If i protest,she makes me leave. It makes you think you are crazy??
Sadly it is Annette. Not only were you the scapegoat in your family but for you to first be the “scapegoat” your Mother had to be a narcissist. Your sister chose to also cope with abuse through being narcissistic like your Mother. it’s a choice that people make in how they responded to life’s hardships. You can either choose to handle it with care and empathy or you can choose to be selfish/narcissistic like they were/are. Narcs never do get better EVER. They will say they will try sometimes just to lure you back into their web but believe me they will go back to the old them once they believe that you have been fooled by their act. And it is an act. They will never be loving and empathetic people. They don’t want to be. They like who they are. They think that they are perfect and don’t need to change themselves. Why do this when according to them perfection needs no help? So they don’t and they won’t. If you want to be hurt over and over and over by them then stay. But if you want to be toxic-free then you’re going to have to say goodbye forever to them. There is no other choice. Believe me, there isn’t. I know. I tried many times but it never does work. Ever.
Annette, my mother is dead and my brother is a bullying narcissist who carries on the tradition of bullying me. I have very little contact with my brother and would never put myself in any kind of physical proximity to him. I would never go to visit and be dependent on him in any way because I know that sooner or later the bullying venom will come spewing out.
My brother is very creative about handling complex situations, especially medical and business dilemmas. He has actually helped me handle difficult doctors and business problems where businesses didn’t come though correctly.
Occasionally I will contact him to pick his brain about the way that he would handle a situation. But, in my mind, I have an agenda – I want to collect info from him. I am fully aware that he is a narcissist and I am very ready to hang up the phone if I need to.
The one time that this strategy went awry was when we had a new toilet installed that didn’t work correctly and the plumber wouldn’t make good on it. My brother was helpful in confronting the plumber but recommended a specific toilet that he had installed in his house. My further research told me that his recommendation wouldn’t work for us. He became unhinged because I didn’t immediately comply and purchase what he told us was the best toilet. I didn’t take it personally, I just recognized that he’s a sick, crazy narcissist.
The one really disgusting part of talking with my brother is that he often will throw in a remark about how wonderful my mother was. I’ve learned never to respond with my true opinions. I have made the call with a specific agenda and I just play past his pathetic devotion to a very demented woman and get my info and get off the phone.
In my experience, you have to limit contact with your sister to very managed phone calls and NEVER visit her in person where you are not in 100% control that you can and WILL immediately leave if she starts to bully you. Probably it’s safer to stay away from her because you can be guaranteed that the bullying will always emerge. I doubt that I will ever see my brother again in person.
Best of luck. It takes a long time to unravel being a scapegoat.
Katy
Wow. This is the story that I’ve known my whole life, being the oldest daughter of a jealous, narcissistic mother. It has taken me so many years to recognize and understand the early conditioning that I received that her dislike of me was all my fault.
The article made me realize that I really trust very few people. I suddenly have clarity – my mother ungraciously did her duty to me until the other shoe would drop and she would be actively scapegoating me. She was erratic and mostly very unpleasant to deal with. She also pulled my siblings into the scapegoating chorus.
The profound damage that the recent narcissist did to me just became very clear. He was kind and praising for over six months. I am careful with new people but there were no clues that he was anything but very benevolent. In fact, I was very grateful that I had met somebody who was a true, supportive friend.
Suddenly the subtle abandonment and rejecting behavior began. I immediately identified it but couldn’t understand what had happened. I tried hard to connect with him to fix whatever had happened. There was no problem-solving – he became even more evasive. When it evolved into “it’s all your fault” I was plunged right back into the despair of my scapegoat past.
Thanks again for an excellent article. I provided me with many puzzle pieces to help me to figure out what happened to me and why the recent narcissist caused me such profound despair.
Wow, I could have written this exact comment, struggling with same thing. It’s shocking almost to realize the similarities between N mother and N friend once I stepped away. Good luck in your journey
Sometimes the problem child does not speak out or act out, tries very hard to be peacekeeper and golden child, but is the problem child because the mental and emotional damage causes them to be severely depressed and unwell. The role of “scapegoat” solidifies when they are labeled as having emotional/mental problems since that causes them to lose credibility.
Hey S:
Really excellent post – clears up a lot in my mind, that’s for sure! It is a tough day when you realize that your parents are only human and make mistakes, especially ones like you describe here.
Sandy C.
Abuse is never “a mistake” Sandy.
Healthy, , balanced people don’t abuse others, nor do they minimize it or excuse it, help is availBle
My life stated so well – “frustrated & stuck in a toxic environment they could not escape.” And now I am moving toward “we get to decide the type of people & the type of behavior we allow in our circles.”
Such a change in paradigm that I only was able to make real when I found sites like this to help me make sense of all the toxic chaos.
Thank you for the clarity & help on my road to recovery !!!