Have you ever come across a definition or a list of symptoms, and by the time you got to the end of it, your eyes were completely bugged out and your jaw was resting comfortably on the floor? And as the shock of recognition sank in, all you kept saying was, “Oh-My-God, Oh-My-God – this is me. I could be the poster child for this.”
That was me many years ago, after reading Melanie Beattie’s book, Co-Dependent No More. Before I understood the term co-dependent I blamed my Narcissist for everything. And why shouldn’t I? He deserved the blame and my animosity for everything that he had done. But as I looked into this co-dependency business, I realized more and more, that I played an equal roll in this sad excuse of a relationship. I was equally responsible, equally at fault, and I was totally and solely to blame, for the sorry state I was in. Sure, he was a Narcissist and sure, his list of issues and relationship crimes could circle the globe, but I had a thing too and it had a name. My label was worse than his, because…well…it was mine. I was co-dependent. I could relate to every bit of it. It was a pretty tough pill to swallow, because now on top of the hurt and everything else I was dealing with, I had to deal with this too.
When I looked at the list of co-dependent behaviors – all the people pleasing, my need to rescue and fix everyone, my belief that I had to be perfect in order to be loved, my over giving and over caring, my atrocious communication skills, my fear of confrontation, my non-existent boundaries…and you pair this with my Narcissist’s extreme selfishness, his entitlement mentality, his user behaviors, his belief that he was superior to everyone else, and his lack of responsibility, it became frightfully obvious that this was a perfect storm, a cyclone of dysfunction, where everything that needed to exist, in order for this relationship to have evolved the way it did – all those elements were present – in both of us.
All along I thought, I’m just a nice, caring person and that he was the sick one. As my knowledge grew, I realized that I was still a nice caring, person, but my big-heartedness was extreme and neurotic, because my perceptions, my beliefs and my behaviors were extreme and neurotic, in a way that I had never contemplated as being unhealthy before. You can be too nice – you can be too caring – too giving – too understanding.
I had no boundaries to protect myself, because I was never taught to have boundaries as a child, because abusers don’t want you to have boundaries. I had poor coping skills, because I never learned how to cope properly. I didn’t know how to communicate, because my childhood abuser didn’t want me to communicate. I didn’t value myself, because I was treated like I didn’t have value and it was all done in such a subtle way that I questioned whether or not, I had misinterpreted it as I grew older. I wasn’t beaten, locked in closets or anything outrageous like that. I was given all the necessities of life, but not much else. I left my childhood feeling unloved, unwanted and uncomfortably, uncomfortable in my own skin.
My primary caregiver never looked out for my best interests, she didn’t concern herself with my emotional development. So as an adult, I felt like a child, learning how to have healthy thoughts, healthy behaviors, healthy relationships and a healthy attitude. I had been in the dark about what constituted’ healthy’ my entire life, so figuring these things out was not an easy process.
Odd Traits of Co-Dependents
I have discovered a technique to determine if someone is a co-dependent. Now it’s not fool-proof, mind you, but it’s something I’ve observed and it illustrates a quality co-dependents seem to have in abundance and it is – they hate to ‘put people out.’ They feel uncomfortable asking for things or favors and can’t deal with being anyone else’s burden. As a consummate giver, taking is the opposite of a co-dependent’s nature, so when they are forced to rely on others for their needs, it puts them outside of their comfort zone. You see this not just in romantic relationships, but in business and relationships with others.
Another trait I noticed came to me, as I was watching an episode of Dr Phil. He had a couple on, who really wanted to have a baby, but couldn’t, so the wife put an ad on Kijiji looking to adopt a baby. A woman answered the ad and they developed a friendship. She promised to give them her baby when she delivered. The husband and wife spent $40,000 preparing their home for the baby, but one thing after another kept delaying her handing over custody.
When the woman, who promised to give up her baby, came out, she was asked point blank if she was going to give them her baby, and she said, ‘no.’ When Dr. Phil asked her why not, she said it was because the baby didn’t exist.
Everyone was stunned, the audience gasped, the wife was crying and her husband was furious. He said she was a monster, to have strung them along like that and to have fed off their kindness and emotions. He then asked why she did this. Her answer bowled me over, but I understood it instantly, while I dare say no one else did. To everyone else, her answer sounded, well – crazy and it was.
She said she did it, because when she was young she had given a baby up for adoption to a couple and everyone had been so nice to her. She got a lot of attention, kindness and respect. She said she had been treated like trash her whole life, so she did it because, she wanted their friendship. She wanted to feel important and cared about. While that in and of itself is phenomenally twisted, what she was really saying was, I have no one, I am so lonely and to secure your friendship and feel special, even just for a little while, I had to promise to give you the moon, because just being me wasn’t good enough.
This belief that we aren’t good enough flows into the belief that we can’t be the same as the next guy in order to be loved. Co-dependents believe that they have to be perfect. When they realize that they can’t be perfect, they logically come to the conclusion that ‘I’m not perfect and I can’t ever be perfect, ergo I will never be loved.’ Because I’m not worthy of real regular love, I have to do more, be more and give more, just to get even a smidgeon of affection.
And then they go in search of partners who are equally flawed and think, ‘because this guy is such a mess, if I give him everything , then he will be grateful and he will love me.’
Co-dependents believe that the world works from an imaginary reciprocating bank account. They tend to believe that if I do something nice for you, that goes into the bank and now you owe me one. And if I keep making deposits, eventually you will recognize my sacrifice and it will dawn on you, just how special and caring I am. Unfortunately, co-dependents tend to confuse giving and martyrdom for love and devotion.
What co-dependents don’t seem to grasp is that, because their choice of partner is sub-standard – that partner isn’t capable of giving them what they need. The co-dependent, then internalizes the rejection, believing that, ‘not even this flawed, broken person can love me, that’s how unlovable I am.’ And as the cycle continues, they keep feeding that belief.
Leaving Co-Dependency
Step one should be fairly obvious, and that is, ending your relationship with you Narcissist. You can’t heal yourself while still engaging with your vice. It would be the equivalent of trying to quit heroin, while still using heroin. Get out of your toxic relationship and once you’ve gained the physical and emotional distance, the view starts to come into focus and everything looks a whole lot clearer. Once you’re out stay out. Remember every time you give in and go back, you undermine everything you’ve accomplished. So make the decision, get out, get some discipline and stay out.
Step two is teaching yourself all of the things that you should have been taught as a child in terms of healthy ways to behave, communicate, and protect yourself. The word boundary almost sounds cliché, but it is the most important thing you can do for yourself. It’s your very own home security system. So, when all else fails, if your boundary alarm goes off, you know there’s a problem.
In order to know when someone has crossed your boundaries, you have to first know what your boundaries are. Take a moment to stop and think about what your boundaries might be. They might be things like, expecting to be treated by all, in a respectful manner, or to have other people make plans with you early in the week rather than last minute, or becoming intolerant of being stood up. They can be anything that you feel strongly about and anything you want to reinforce. If someone crosses these boundaries, then you have a calm (not hysterical) discussion that this is how you expect to be treated and if that person continues to cross your boundary, then they don’t get to be a part of your life. It’s that simple. Healthy people don’t put up with not having their wishes respected.
So if Jack makes plans with you for Saturday and he doesn’t show up and he doesn’t call – unless you find out that Jack is in the hospital that’s all the information you need. If you’re bent on giving him another chance sure, just as long as his reason is sound and provable, but if he ever does it again, there is no need to go any further – boundary crossed and you’re done. Period.
Once you’ve set the bar, if people continue to cross your line, that tells you all you need to know about that person and they can leave. These are things that may not feel natural at first, because you weren’t taught how to have boundaries and stick up for yourself as a child, but healthy people know where their own line is, and they try really hard to respect and not cross other people’s.
Get in the habit of saying exactly what you mean. Stop hoping that other people can read your mind, or guess what you want. Practice being direct, by saying exactly what you want, need or expect and don’t back down when it comes to defending yourself or your boundaries. Being direct and sticking up for yourself are how healthy people communicate. Co-Dependents learn early to be quiet, and not upset people. You’re an adult now, so you have to learn that healthy people aren’t afraid to say what they want and mean what they say.
Start to expect more from yourself and the people in your life. If you’re co-dependent, you’ve probably had very low standards when it comes to the people you let in your life. If you look around your circle and you see people that don’t add value to your life and don’t make you feel good, then it’s time to start cleaning house and opening up some spaces. Sure, making new friends is hard, giving up a family member might be difficult, but what’s more difficult, is being the recipient of abusive and disrespectful behavior. If you want a better life, then you have to have higher standards.
Step three is about changing the way you feel about you. During my struggle with co-dependency, I really started to think about what I was putting out there to the universe. Talk of people’s vibrational frequency and that, like attracts like, was all the rage at the time of my break up. The experts talked about how our frequency was like a radio signal, whereby only those who matched our vibration and who were like us, could pick up on our signal. I had firsthand knowledge of this, because after my momentous break up, I was still unhealthy and all I seemed to date was narcissist after narcissist, even though I was consciously seeking his exact opposite. So whatever I had put out there in the past, I was still putting out there and I kept attracting the same type of guy. And I would continue to attract the same type of guy until I changed whatever it was inside of me, that would change my frequency.
I meditated on it and I realized that if you want to change your vibrational frequency, if you strip it all down to its barest essence, what it really means is, changing your feelings about – you. It means basking in the silence and just purposefully and mindfully feeling good about you – feeling the feelings of love for yourself. It’s the feeling part that is really important – you just feel and breathe and accept your own love, the universe’s love. Breathe in love and exude love to everyone on the exhale, feel connected and loved, feel valued and important. This is a practice and a habit, that all who wish to change their frequency, must engage in daily. When you start to see yourself as a person of value, others will pick up on that vibe and follow your lead.
Leaving co-dependency is a journey. Trying to change the way you were taught to behave, communicate and feel about yourself is a difficult process, because these beliefs are held deep inside of us. But it’s time to accept that what we were taught as children was wrong and unhealthy. As adults, it’s our job to fix our own foundation, because the quality of our life starts and ends with us.
Anthony Robbins always says, “Success leaves clues,” so understand that people have overcome this and so can you. Set your plan in motion, create your list of boundaries, raise your standards and get into the habit of expecting more from yourself and others. Practice feeling good about you. Take the time and put in the work, it’s worth it, because you’re worth it.
Your Comments!!!!!!!!!
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Very nicely worded, the whole of it. Relief to read it, when we need it !!
The sad thing about this is that first, Co-dependency is mostly because of the way one is raised as a child unlike other personality traits, because as a child we donot exactly know how to protect or set boundaries to self, if nobody interferes with the style of raising of the primary care giver, its a miracle if the child doesnt develop co-dependency.
Second as Savannah as said, we just think we are angels and invite trouble after trouble, for a second we are not even in a position to consider we have a trait thats the root cause for almost everything we are facing again and again.
So it goes undetected most of the times.
Meditation opens up gates to think and very slowly gain insight into us, i have been meditating for 3 years now and i have improved a lot, not just my perception, what my good friends have noticed as well.
This article really made me feel at ease and realise am on the right path and its a journey to change ones behaviour
Thanks Savannah
Padma
Amazing!!!
I love this article. I was never allowed to have excuses for anything as a kid, for being imperfect or making a mistake. When I get excuses from people because of not following through on promises or plans, I remember how awful I always felt that NO excuse was ever acceptable. This means I’ll accept almost any excuse for their behavior. NOT good!!!
One of the best articles on co dependency I’ve ever read.wow in need it. Going to read it again. Its health food for the spirit beart mind &soul. Heartfelt thank you Savannah Grey. Well done so Helpful. Thanks & ‘Bravos thats alot of work in on you to help us !!!! amazing lights go on and its very positive!!
Wow. Wow. Wow…I had always felt that somehow I was a “mark” in some way, having suffered various abuses during my lifetime (molestations from various strangers, verbal abuse and neglect from my only parent–my mother, to being subjected to blatant disregard, and lastly being used by my ex-narc)…that it never occurred to me that I had been groomed to be co-dependent by my earlier abuse. My eyes are wide open now.
Savannah, I am damned mad! I’m mad for the child in me and now the adult in me, for all that I had been through. I had no control as a child, but I am now a grown ass woman.
I’ve done a lot of reading lately, your blog and several others, and feel I need to take control back in my life.
I am grateful that most recently, I had come to understand the lacking I had for boundaries, and decided that I need to change myself.
Honestly, it really all started when my ex-narc pulled a horrific devaluation situation on me this Valentines Day. It was the “ah-ha” I needed. He did his usual disappearing act right after, and I plan to maintain no contact–forever!
At the same time, I needed to rid myself of another Narc in my life. So, I also broke contact with narc #2, who was dismissive and treated me “like their bitch”.
I know I have a very long road ahead of me, because I will have to learn how to change my way of thinking. But it’s doable. I realize that I have to protect myself, not just from Narcs, but anyone who causing me emotional harm.
I’m not free yet, as I know the patterns of Narc #1. He will be back, and I must prepare myself for the traps he will try to snarl me into. I am aware now, which perhaps might help protect me from his lies.
I will take it day by day, reassuring myself that I do count. That I also matter. That I am too valuable to myself, to allow mistreatment.
Thank you for your insightful blogs, it has helped shed some important light on myself.
I recognize co-dependency in myself as well. My mother was a Narc. I grew up believing I was a burden. She said and did unspeakable things that scarred me deeply, and set me up for no boundaries, and a path of constant “people pleasing” and “rescuing”. I would bring home every stray cat/dog/human. I believed I could fix whatever was broken. What I was really trying to do was fix the broken in myself, and in her and in us. But I was using all the wrong ‘ingredients’…
Now I see that it’s up to me to set boundaries. It’s up to me to enforce them. It’s up to me to call the shots. I don’t worry too much about what people think, because the ones who engage negativity about my path, are not my friends anyway. I love myself. She has worked very hard, and has come a long way baby! I have picked up my last stray human. I will not do that again…ever. I’m not desparate any more. I don’t NEED to be needed. For the first time, I can look at someone, and think, “yes, you are struggling with XYZ, but you are not MY WORK, and I am not your mother, psychiatrist, nurse, or house frau.” This is so liberating. SOme might consider me a curmudgeon. That’s fine. LIfe is less messy when you set clear boundaries with people. That includes soul suckers, energy suckers, and bank account suckers. When you think about balance, and good energy, and higher vibration in your life, you can’t do any of that if:
You carry the whole load.
You are sucked dry of any energy.
You are so devoid of happiness or joy, you cannot even smile.
This is why for myself, I have to be N-free for a long time, and REALLY allow myself time to heal, time to reflect on my own participation in this dance, and give myself ample time to learn from it all. The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I am not going to put myself in that place ever again. CO DEPENDENT NO MORE!
Oh no 🙁 I’m 45 ..trying to escape my narcissist which I only understood what has just happened.to me over the past 3 years..and now I also find this is me…I’ve cultivated this toxic relationships…I’m scared and don’t actually know where the hell to start to pick up the pieces and safely extract myself from him. I guess I’m glad I found this because I’ve just woken up from my trance and am in shock and realise I also need a boot up the ass to move forward with any semblance of dignity and hope for my future and that of my kids…thanks for sharing x
What a wonderful and insightful woman you are!
Having just left my N boyfriend I have realised I have been dating the same man, in a different body, my whole life! For the first time in my life I really want to be on my own and do the necessary work on me so I can break this cycle of abuse. You and your wonderful articles help so much in this journey. Thank you!
Such excellent posts! I’m starting to be addicted to them. Hopefully, I too, one day will call the N in my life the ex-N.
Post narcissist: A few people have labeled my behavior as selfish or self-serving. This hurts but I think the people who have said it are controlling personalities. I also made a “new friend” who asked for a ride, didn’t offer gas money, and assumed asking for a ride to a destination meant round trip. I said I was glad to give a one-way ride. But I was surprised to find this person in my vehicle waiting for a return ride. I also asked that in the event of future rides a couple bucks for gas (I’m talking minimal – like two bucks)would be appreciated as I am, at the moment, marginally employed. The person readily agreed. I felt uncomfortable as this is not how I used to be. I give someone a ride to Canada jusr because…they asked! I find that people labeling me as selfish pretty disturbing. All I can say is that when I was a doormat NO ONE ever called me selfish. But I was also kind of ignored. Undoing unhealthy habits doesn’t keep me in my comfort zone, at all. I certainly hope, with time, I’ll trust myself more, and feel balanced.
@ Beanie — I bet these people calling you “selfish” now are the very people who used to steamroll you.
When I started to stick up for myself with the unhealthy friends I had mentioned in my earlier comments, they resisted my boundaries and really tried to fight back. They didn’t like the new me, who was now saying “no” instead and “yes” and refused to be available or do what they wanted.
I’ve read somewhere that when you start standing up to an abuser, they freak out. It’s like you changed the temperature in the room. They don’t want us to have boundaries and say no, when they are so used to getting what they want from us.
It’s hard, but I’m glad to hear you refused this new friend a RT ride and asked for gas money. That’s a big step.
I had a random thought that I wanted to share (it’s been a slow Monday for me at work, obviously!)
I cut three friends and associates loose from my life recently because I finally realized there were codependency and boundary issues in these friendships, which I actively participated in, and that I needed to get rid of them to be happy.
I thought about what happened when I met these people, and now see there are common denominators: I hit it off with all of them very quickly. They seemed to REALLY like me and REALLY wanted to be my friend. It wasn’t like what happens when you meet a stranger at a dinner party and unexpectedly have an amazing conversation over a few bottles of wine. There was a lot more to it.
I felt a “connection” with these people that was unwarranted, so I let my guard down with them (when I should not have).
They excessively complimented me when they really didn’t know anything about me. They all shared WAY too much information about their lives, past and problems – they seemed to be full of drama – very early on in the friendship. There was an odd eagerness to hang out with me. I remember one of these friends had told me after us hanging out for a only a year, that I was a “soul mate” and one of his best friends — when he has a circle of people he’s known for 20 years.
This somewhat mimics how my Narcissistic ex boyfriend first behaved when I met him, even though the above-mentioned friendships were platonic: A relentless pursuit, unfounded idealization, me having no wall up, him sharing too much about himself too soon.
But the process and end result was the same: My former friends consistently pushed and broke boundaries, even though they never directly attacked my self esteem or put me down. I was viewed as property, not as a person with feelings and needs – that they felt entitled to, and that I existed to serve or provide them with something.
Usually, I was this “thing” that would rescue them: Someone they could vent to, that could fix their problems, or validate them. Their demands were above and beyond the call of duty of normal friendship — simply asking someone for help, assistance or advice.
These friends were extremely emotional and high-maintenance. They tried to make their problems my problems, and all had their own unique versions of meltdowns when I didn’t return their phone calls or text messages right away, when the situation was not emergent. Friend No. 1, (a woman) would panic and send me texts and emails asking if I was mad at her or if she did something wrong; and later in our friendship started to get extremely jealous when I hung out with other people or didn’t invite her somewhere. Friend No. 2, a man, would call repeatedly and leave me frantic voicemails. Friend No. 3, a long-term friend from college who I felt a sense of loyalty to, would actually cry, throw a tantrum and call me a “bad friend” if I didn’t call her back. These people are all 35 years old, like me.
My Narcissistic ex boyfriend wanted my money and someone to take care of his lazy ass. What these toxic friends seemed to want was my energy, time and attention, and I freely gave it to the point where I was stepped on.
I recall consistently feeling drained after talking on the phone to them or hanging out with them. That was a very dangerous sign that I ignored! You’re supposed to feel GOOD after hanging out with friends!
I then thought about the good, genuine friendships that I do have. They took time and a lot of effort to build.
With my healthy friendships, I was much more guarded and hesitant with them – not because they gave me a bad vibe, I was just hesitant to tip my hand when getting to know them (which I now know is normal) and so were they. The pace of the friendship was never forced. It just evolved on its own time. Trust was built before anything personal and meaningful was shared. There are still things about my life that my friends of a few years don’t know about me, and vice versa. Hell, my best friend of more than 20 years and I didn’t even like each other when we first met, lol.
Most importantly, there is confidence and security in these friendships. I can go days, weeks even months without talking to or seeing these friends. But when I do meet up with them, it’s as though no time has passed. Everyone is allowed to have space and live their life. No one throws a fit if someone is not available for a while.
I’m curious if anyone here has experienced the same thing in their friendships, since many of us are struggling with some form of co-dependent behavior.
I too started to realise about the several other N relationships in my life, once I began waking up from being a people pleaser. At one point I thought I was reading too much into other people and seeing Narcs everywhere, but thankfully I wasn’t imagining it and gradually unentangled myself from all toxic relationships.
I don’t have all that many people in my life now, but those I do have are healthy and uplifting relationships. I met my best buddy girlfriend a couple of years ago and it’s completely different from other friendships when I was at the beck and call of others. We go out on trips, visit each other, help each other out, phone and email, all without living in each other’s pockets…sometimes not talking for a week or two, until one or the other will phone to see how the other is and suggest a meet-up…and it’s exactly what I’ve always dreamt of in a friend and never had since I was a little girl.
I think as well, that my boundaries began forming naturally once I began to build my self-esteem. I often had feelings of anger or being upset inside, and bottling it all up, whenever my own feelings weren’t consulted or even thought about. I didn’t realise at the time that it was because someone was riding roughshod over where my boundaries should have been. Once the self-respect grew it became more obvious to me what I shouldn’t put up with. 🙂
@ Eileen — Interesting point that you made about bottled up feelings of anger.
I noticed that this is how I felt toward the three toxic people in my life. I had a lot of resentment and angry feelings toward them that I wasn’t always expressing in the best way, mainly for the sake of keeping the peace and they always resisted or pushed harder when I tried to put up a boundary.
You are SO right. I felt this way because they were taking from me (my energy, nothing tangible) and my boundaries were being violated.
I believe in quantity over quality when it comes to friends. I’ve also noticed that the memoirs of many successful entrepreneurs and business moguls express this sentiment — to hang around the right people, people that are healthy for you and bring something to your life.
There is also one common trait amongst the remaining friends that I have in my life: I always feel GOOD after seeing or talking to them. I also have no problem talking out problems with them in a safe, healthy manner.
Everything I have read so far on this web page is extremely insightful. Great analogies that are useful and clarifying. I think if we are all very honest with ourselves, we can find parts of our own behavior in the Narc and the Codependent. I’m pretty sure in my younger years I was the Narc. Then I crashed into the mixed cocktail of a psychopathic narcissistic binge drinking charmer dude who never goes away (nor have I wanted him to fully disappear) for all the reasons stated on this site.
His presence in my life woke me up to my own Narc tendencies at which point I flip-flopped into a full-blown codependent. It seems to me the bottom line for both is a sort of craving for human attention and to fill the void we have all felt in one way or another. A void that only the good and perfect love of God can fill in us.
Thank you Savannah for taking the initiative to write all these amazing observations of our flawed human behaviors. Spot on dear one.
@comboplatter It is true what you say about a narc and a co-dependant having certain common ground. The way I see it both are seeking attention and validation, the main difference being that a narc needs validation from many whereas a co-dependant will be happy getting it all from one person.
Savanah this is a great blog. I have read various websites and blogs that deal with narcissism and this one is by far the most succinct, thorough and and helpful.
Thanks, Ladies, for sharing your experiences. Neither did I want to hear that I was a co-dependent and the first time I read the book, I admitted, “I have a few co-dependent tendencice”! Months later I realized that I was seriously a co-dependent. On a positive note, recently I took one of those quizzes that circulate on Facebook about what career you should REALLY have chosen, and when the question came as “Do you want to help/take care of others?” I honestlty answered “no.” That is not me now. I realize to the core that there is nothing I can do anymore to take care of anyone; they have to take care of themselves. Even my narcissist. I finally KNOW to the core that “he WILL be OK without me.” And that is a big change for me. His life will not be the same as I would have wanted it to be, but it is his life and whatever he does with it is OK; that is his path and I will not interfere.” Neither will I hang around to listen; he will have to get his listening elsewhere. (But that is the extreme to which I was codependent; I didn’t think he could survive without me. Even after the divorce.)
You know, I am beginning at last to understand. My Narc ex-husband always said I was fifty per cent to blame for our marriage breaking up. I always denied this as he was the sick person not me. Having read this now I can see why he might be right, but not of course in the way that he thinks. If you described co-dependency he would say it was psycho-babble but the description fits me so perfectly I can see a whole lot of sense in what you say in this article. Very thought provoking and has made me realise I am a work in progress. Thank you for the food for thought.
Excellent insight Savannah,
I love reading your posts, you have such a healthy perspective. I just wrote my first blog on narcissism and codependency and it is very much in rhythm with this post.
As hard as it is, once you own your part and see the “sickness” of your own behavior, you begin the healing process. To put all the junk on the N. and think you’re ok is a mistake. As your posts states, you just repeat the vibrational pattern until you get it, if you ever get it. it is a choice!
I too, identify with codependency. From here on out, I’ll have to exercise new boundary patterns, which will be somewhat challenging, but nothing compare to the challenges I’ll face without them.
It is a new phase of my life and I’m happy to learn how to love and trust myself. This is the light in the dark aftermath of narcissistic abuse.
Sally Amore
Thank you for sharing your story, Savannah. I too have a Narc mother and I was not given the tools to have healthy relationships, be a good communicator, value myself or have any boundaries.
It is a very difficult pill to swallow, that we’ve all allowed our Narcs to do to us what they have. These people (Narcs) can only have relationships and exist with people like us to function. It’s a twisted reciprocal relationship, like how there can be no light without darkness.
I’m sure that all of my Narc’s exes were also co-dependent, like me. No healthy, confident, strong woman would have stayed with him for long or even agreed to go out with him. And had I been a whole, emotionally healthy person, he never would have made it to date No. 2 with me.
When I met my Narc, I had just moved to my current city for work. I was thousands of miles away from friends and family, the entire support system that I’ve cultivated over the course of my life. Up until this point, I led my life thinking I was normal and healthy.
I was ever so wrong.
This may sound strange, but I think the universe sent my Narc to me to finally wake me the hell up, to force me to actually face the dragon in my life and within myself — a dragon I had ignored and tried to forget about.
After leaving my Narc, I’ve realized that he is NOT the only Narcissist that I’ve dated (but he is by far the worst one). There were others before him that most definitely were Narcs, they just weren’t the inverted/non working type, like him.
Meeting, dating, being abused by and leaving him was the straw that broke that camel’s back. At the age of 35, after going through this experience, this is when I’ve finally said to myself “no more.”
Leaving him forced me to face what really happened in my childhood, things that I’ve buried and tried to forget, and identify that my mother is also a Narcissist.
It led me to this blog, which also got me to pick up the book “Co-Dependent No More” and put a label on and understand why I’ve done what I’ve done.
I must say the Lefkoe method, which was suggested here, has helped me tremendously in deprogramming me from what I call are the Great Untruths that my abusive mother “taught” me about myself and why I don’t deserve love.
Since I’ve left my N, I have also taken a good, hard look the people around me. Co-workers. Associates. Long-term and short-term friends. I was able to determine that I had three very toxic people in my life that I needed to get rid of, because my co-dependency was extending into my friendships, too, and these people were not bringing in anything good or healthy into my life.
I can’t change the past. I’m still having a very, very hard time forgiving myself for what I allowed to happen in my life, and what I allowed my N to do to me.
But it’s like I had a lesson right in front of me that I had to learn. Being with him was like this gauntlet I had to get through to finally, finally love and appreciate myself, and realize that I am the author of my own fate. Not my mother. Not my past. Not him or any of my other exes. I’m the author and I get to decide what my story will look like.