Unless you live under a rock, you’ve probably heard that Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt last week. While I am saddened that six children are in the midst of turmoil, I must admit that a small part of me is perversely pleased by this news.
I say perversely, because I’m a firm believer that you should never, ever rejoice at another person’s suffering, but for the past twelve years, the world watched as Jennifer Aniston was publicly betrayed, humiliated and discarded, in favor of another woman, the other woman being younger, more beautiful, more interesting, more complex – every man’s fantasy.
Angelina Jolie is cool. She’s a humanitarian. She wants to do good things in this world and I really want to like her, but I just don’t. It’s unfair that the world pitted one woman against the other, while Pitt appeared to get through the scandal unscathed, like he was a hapless victim against the seduction of Jolie the temptress.
Even though twelve years have gone by and Aniston has moved on and remarried, she is still being dragged into the Jolie-Pitt fray. The New York Times tastelessly put a picture of a laughing Aniston on its cover, when news of the divorce broke, as if she was consumed with revenge.
This is relevant to us because, in the face of public betrayal and humiliation, Jennifer Aniston stood tall with her dignity intact. She was the wronged party. She was the one who was tossed aside for another. She could have slandered Pitt till tomorrow. She could have sought revenge. She could have started a war. We would have understood. But she didn’t.
She kept her thoughts and feelings to herself and her inner circle, and she went about the business of getting on with her life. This made us love her more. She didn’t let it destroy her, or consume her. She didn’t attack Jolie. She didn’t make egregious accusations, or jump up and down and yell to all who would listen, that Pitt’s morals and character were lacking. She let us figure that out for ourselves and she let it unfold naturally.
Justice is important to us as a species. It seems like it’s innately a part of our DNA. We want it, we need it. It makes us feel better. We wanted justice for Aniston and that’s why we’re still talking about it. But in life justice doesn’t always work on our time table. It doesn’t jump to do our bidding. Sometimes justice is slow, but I firmly believe that if we let it, the universe always seeks out equilibrium. Those who are deserving of getting their comeuppance will get it, one way or another, you just likely won’t be around to see it.
There are many things I wish I did differently after my break up. I wish I didn’t call up all his friends and family and tell them what he had done. I wish I didn’t email his bosses at work. I wish I didn’t damage or throw out his things. It didn’t solve anything and none of it made me feel any better.
Getting Through It with Dignity
If I could do it again I would have taken a page from Aniston’s life and behaved with these things in mind:
It has to be enough that you and those who love you, know the truth: It’s really, really hard to just allow people to believe things about you that aren’t true, without being able to defend yourself. It’s important to your wellbeing that you understand that you aren’t responsible for what other people think and that you don’t need everyone to agree with you and be on your side. You are not going to convince your ex’s loved ones that they are horrible people. They just aren’t going to be on your side, regardless of what happened. It’s more important that you stop putting your energy into a doomed relationship and turn your attention towards you and your future.
The way you react says more about you than it does them: If you can walk away with your head held high it shows that you have integrity and strength of character. When someone freaks out and screams about what a p.o.s. their ex is, it cheapens them. I’m not saying they aren’t accurate in what they have to say, but it’s their need to say it which is in question. People will say and do whatever they please and you have no control over that, but you do have control over yourself. Do yourself a favor and stay classy San Diego.
Your Silence Speaks Volumes: If someone tosses you aside and you act like it doesn’t bother you in the slightest, it really does a number on the leaver. It gives their fragile little egos fits. They’ll question their decision, they’ll have doubts, and drive themselves crazy wondering if they made a mistake and why you aren’t upset and chasing them.
Many get off on your hurt: Some emotional manipulators gain satisfaction from knowing they can hurt others. It makes them feel big to know that they can have such power over another’s emotions. If you know your ex feeds off of your pain, by God, don’t give it to them.
If you freak out or act out it proves that they were right about you: If you are losing your mind over someone – obsessively calling, textng, showing up where you know they’ll be, causing a scene, damaging their property, calling people in their circle… you are damaging your own reputation. The last thing you want is to end up in jail or having to fork over money to them because they took you to court because you wrecked something of theirs. While it may seem satisfying at the time, don’t do it. Save yourself the hassle.
Revenge is a dish best served cold and not by you: When someone gets what’s coming to them, at a later date and by alternate means, that have nothing to do with you, it’s almost like the universe is putting things back into balance. Emotional Manipulators do a lot of shitty things and believe me, it does catch up to them. My ex’s new girl was pretty smug in the beginning, like she had won a prize. I remember telling her, “I can’t wait until everything is all your fault.” Now it is.
Have faith that the truth will come out in the end: Chances are if you were involved with an emotional manipulator they’ve just done the same dance with you that they’ve done many, many times in the past and will continue to do in the future. Those closest to them, that have half a brain, will start to notice the pattern and figure them out eventually. The universe likes balance, which is why we have contrasts like light and darkness, good and bad, yin and yang… while it may seem like the one who left you has ridden off into that merry sunset unscathed know that there’s a big dose of Karma just waiting around the corner to punch them right in the throat.
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I think I was where your husband was at…
I’m a lucky one simply because of reading Savannah’s writings over a period of months (now years) and she showed me what was happening.
Massive similarities to your story and although your ex went home to Mum for a short while, I was lucky and able to go and live on my own – over 200 miles away from where we lived. Initially I intended to do this for six months.
It took about a month before I began to realise what had happened (or more precisely what I’d allowed to happen)…
I still intended to stay away for the six months I’d allowed (and my wife and I had agreed) but circumstances changed with my wife and I went home for good after four.
It’s possible I’m still doing a people pleasing excercise to a degree… but there are certain things one should do, and although I still want to (and am able to) be with my wife, I still find that my narc invades my thoughts every day.
I KNOW that my Narc is bad news (it took only 3 or 4 weeks away from her influence to discover that) but there’s still a nagging desire to find out what she’s up to and maybe even have a chat!
I’ve been completely No Contact for all of 2017 and effectively since Mid 2016… but there’s still that little nagging voice at the back of my mind.
Savannah’s said that the Narc’s like an addiction…. I gave up smoking 20 years ago but still crave a cigarette every now and then. I’ve never had one since… but It’s darned difficult to resist at times! My Narc is much closer chronologically and also Much Much more addictive… that’s why I wonder whether my stupidity in getting involved will ever let me be totally free. I hope so, but I have to work on it every day….every single day! Am I being honest with my wife? She knows I’ve an addictive personality, But she tells me she’s ok with the situation.
I hope what she tells me is correct, because if not I guess I’m hurting her every day!
Just writing this makes me realise how complicated things get!
Happy New Year to all…
Ive read a lot of articles on identifying a narcissist, on beating / leaving a narcissist. My situation is slightly different and I would love your help please. My husband (now ex-husband) was , lovely. We had 2 gorgeous girls. And then someone (we shall call her Claire) came onto the scene – befriending first me – became my best friend, then started working very closely with my husband. After 12 a while he left me and the children, citing that he couldnt deal with my life-long illness and moved in with Claire.
Its taken me 18 months to work it out, Claire is a high functioning narcissist. She took great delight in not only taking my husband, but also in hurting me (I was devastated by his leaving me). She pretended to be my best friend and come down and spend all day with me – and listened while I poured my heart out to her. She even had the audacity to tell me (in such a way as that I wouldnt immediately realise what she was telling me) that she was f**k**g my husband before he left me.
So much advice is out there on getting out of the unhealthy relationship with a narcissist, but no advice if the 3rd party is the narcissist. I have asked a couple of probing questions to my ex-husband to see if he could see what she is. I dont think he can. But when he asked her for the answers to my questions, she went straight onto the attack and tried to put me down, damage my character, accuse me of insulting her etc etc. The lies and stories constructed to make me look bad / look like the aggressor were pathetic to watch, but he believed them, even when they didnt make sense.
I have seen little bits that make it look like their relationship is rocky, I have seen him really downcast once and moved back to his mothers house once, but only for a week then moved back in with her.
Is there nothing I can say to him to show him the danger of the situation he is now in?
Ive had to accept that I lost the man I love to a narcissist and Ive tried to move on. My goal isnt to try to get him back, it is to limit the damage she is doing. He seems blind even to the blatant lies, the blatant contradictions
Do I just step back and let him find out in his own time?
This isnt good for me as I dont want my children around her but I would have to deny him access to the children to prevent her interacting with them, as he still lives with her.
At the time, I have/had a great job in which I am well respected, a loving husband with 2 gorgeous kids, a lovely house in a really nice area – In short, I had everything that she didnt.
My husband discarded me soon after our third child was born. I had no job, an infant and two other children. It was obvious that this was a man trying to dump his young family. Still, people believed his lies. He was seen as the victim while abandoning his family for another woman. This article has been helpful because I struggle with the lack of justice for his behavior. If you think the courts will protect you, don’t count on it. My advice: never marry or make babies with a narcissist and never make yourself vulnerable to a narcissist. They simply don’t “do the right thing.”
I am certain that the reason he pelted me with nasty texts and voicemails was to incite a like response that he could share with others. He did not get that opportunity.
I wish I had just walked away silently months ago, but I guess my self-control isn’t as good as I though it was. He cheated on his new gf with me and I gave him the choice to tell her about it or I would. And I did. I shouldn’t have. I also shouldn’t have kept texting him, basically to the point of obsession. It’s been months and I somehow can’t stop texting him, even though I blocked him. UGH. I’m going crazy 🙁
Savannah you are an amazing communicator, I love the way you write it goes right to the core & I get it .. I’m 4 weeks into no contact & I’ve read mounds of material but yours just put everything into focus for me & for what I need to do .. Thank you so much for your work & your courageous efforts!! Please keep sharing we need it!!
It’s been since mid April we split, and I am still hurting… I wonder how long? Anytime I am in messenger/Fb contact with him, it is a Deja-vu moment of honeybrad and whip: after some hours of sweet-talking he comes back to a verbal fit, where I get hurt by low blows. Over na over again, so I know it has become an addiction. My mental excuse is that I believe in Miracles (I am studying ACIM, since he left). I have tried to stay away from slander, but put up posts from you, Savannah, and others about Narcissism on my wall. Today I feel again so exhausted, asking myself if I will ever overcome this rock-bottom-pain of separation?
Thank you for this article. It could not have come at a better time. I am currently moving my ex-husbands stuff into a storage unit so he can have get it. I have a Domestic Violence order against him. We were married 24 years and it was hell for me. Everything had to be what he wanted. It did not make any difference that the kids or that I was going without – he had to get whatever he wanted whether he needed it or was just something he wanted. Saddest part is that he is running around with druggies and criminals now. His 22 year old heroin addict girlfriend is a psycho that already has 3 warrants for her arrest out on her now, been in and out of jail, had her own children taken from her, has attacked her own grandmother, father, and has numerous restraining order placed on her. My ex is living with her and known criminals. Now I am having to protect our two kids from that environment. I do not understand it – this was a father, who even though was a narcissist, would never have put his kids in harms way. He would not even allow people to smoke in front of them. We have a beautiful house in a quiet suburb. He traded it for a broken, nasty trailer that is full of druggies in the worst part of town. The only thing I can think of is that the druggies act like they worship him and tell him how wonderful he is – of course they would he is giving them his whole paycheck and had not paid a dime in child support.
It has been torture to not destroy everything of his that I put into storage. But I have been putting it in there as nice and neat as possible – even though that may piss him off more. He was a hoarder too. So he left me a nasty mess in the garage to straighten out. When he gets his stuff I am sure he is going to sell it and be left with nothing. I do not care anymore I just want the child support for the kids.
Thank you Savannah…this post really gives solace and comfort somehow.
I agree… I so want to like Angelina Jolie but I could not because of what she did. And agree that Aniston handled it with grace and that revenge came without her having to do with it. The world has its way.
I am still waiting for the justice to come!
Savannah your brevity in responses is sanguine cogent and TRUTH RINGING.. I am enjoying it
Good post, especially the last paragraph. My ex covert Narc, who lives next door, is starting to show cracks in her mask. She usually moves house every 3 to 6 months, because she upsets so many people. But now she has a court order saying she cant keep moving, because it is damaging her child. She cant run anymore. The father of her child is moving to the same town and going for custody of the child. Her world is falling apart. I will continue to be dignified even though she is telling lies about me. Its so hard for me, but I keep my head up and just wait for the day she is exposed. The truth will come out. I hope she gets treatment, its heart breaking to see such a disturbed person.
Der. I knew I hadn’t got something right but couldn’t work out what it was. Thank you for another great post.
Thanks for the great article, Savannah. Just want to remind everyone here (including myself) that I don’t have to wait even a minute for the Narc I dated to get his Karma. Every morning when he looks in the mirror, he has to look at a person that he hates.
One more thing I would like to add. Savannah I love your last paragraph and it has rung in my head all day. So thanks again, and so I am adding it to my comment.
Have faith that the truth will come out in the end: Chances are if you were involved with an emotional manipulator they’ve just done the same dance with you that they’ve done many, many times in the past and will continue to do in the future. Those closest to them, that have half a brain, will start to notice the pattern and figure them out eventually. The universe likes balance, which is why we have contrasts like light and darkness, good and bad, yin and yang… while it may seem like the one who left you has ridden off into that merry sunset unscathed know that there’s a big dose of Karma just waiting around the corner to punch them right in the throat
Oh Savannah, you’ve done it again and I agree with everyone this article could not have come at a better time for me. 5 Days ago my ex Narc and I were texting throughout the day. I know bad mistake, then anyway as night grew she disliked one of my replies and turned on me. It was horrible and disgusting. She said Ï need to stop now because she didn’t realise what happiness was until she met this new girl and didn’t know what a relationship was supposed to be like and told me to go fuck myself.
Well I lost my shit pretty bad……….Oh god and I told her how disgusting and horrible she was and that she was a fucking narcissist and has ground me down for the last 9 years to what I have become today, I told her she used the same lines on me 9 years ago and that’s why I fell in love and still am. I asked her never to contact me again and that she is a liar and I feel really sorry for her and her new ugly girlfriend. So basically I gave what she wanted. She just wants to hurt me over and over again everytime she contacts. It starts off well but then she stabs with that horrible hurtful knife and her no love for me attitude. BUT why do I look at my phone everyday waiting for her to text back.
Reading your article this morning has given some strength to realise that I need to rise above her and know that I will get through this disaster. It makes me cry just thinking about her, I so want to not have feelings for this fucking horrible person who has hurt me beyond repair.
Love you Savannah. x
savannah thank you for your post. You said that you don t know anything about your ex Narc. But don’t you give him any chance that he might be in some way happy?
i believ though in balance and it ‘s so true that I watt to tell you the story of MY firs boy-friend Who lett me and married another woman in six months. he had a company with over 100 employes founded and mangled by his father. He was behind ambitious. When he left me I Was so devastated that I travelled like you for 3 years almost losing myself. My revenge was only one: to see him broke. and after 15 years ,I was happily married with a beautiful daughter his father died and after a short while he filed for bankruptcy . His marriage fell apart , and that woman the wife and unfortunately his 3 children are bearing all the consequences
cristina: I think he has the odd happy moment, but his default setting is to be an angry, miserable bastard, who lacks empathy, is extremely selfish, always looking for a slight, constantly in need of attention and admiration, he has bad OCD so he’s always anxious, and he’s terrified of throwing up. Getting a new woman doesn’t change who he is. It’s a kin to moving – when you move from one house to the next do you change as a person? People are objects to Narcissists so they never develop deep emotional attachments – that’s how he rolls a new woman isn’t going to change that – so to answer your question no I don’t think he’s happy. He’s not capable of it.
Savannah, thank you for this article. Jennifer Anniston did keep her dignity after her husband’s betrayal and during the media’s firestorm. At the time, I thought Jolie seemed a bit off given her past relationships and their sudden endings including the relationship with her father and the public display of affection with her brother. Now one year after my discard, I have words to put to Jolie’s behavior. Words like red flags and narcissism. I’ve learned so much and know I confused a life lesson with a soul mate. The whole IDD cycle with him was a big life lesson. I’ll never know what happens to him and I’m happy in that I don’t care what happens to him. Walking away from these kinds of people is liberating and the best thing that you can do for yourself. It takes hard work and reaching indifference is cake.
thank you for your article!
I must say this came at the right time.
my narcissist was somewhat communicating last week in normal matter- according to him we are in a relationship but of course nobody knows.
I run into some friends of his family and they asked if we are in contact. I was happy to say to them that as hard and difficult as it is, we are back together. interestingly enough I texted him on Friday around 4pm- I have not heard from him since! he lives and works with his phone and it’s impossible for him to go 3 days without checking his messages.
so, I did all of the above. I texted. I called. I talked to his circle of friends. and for what…
thank you for stopping me to cause more damage to myself!
Hi Savannah, With regard to your comment on my post, it was where you said ‘I remember telling her …. Now it is.’ The “Now” seemed to suggest subsequent knowledge of the relationship. Perhaps not by seeing or hearing through direct contact but rather an indirect connection, anything from (for example) information from a “helpful” friend to kids talking after an access visit. Anyway, it set me wondering whether I wanted / needed to know what has happened to the narc of my life and how I felt about revenge.
Milie I made that statement to her in the beginning when I first discovered he was cheating. I said now everything is her fault, not because I have first hand knowledge, but because I know him and how he operates. He hasn’t changed, he just subbed in another body. He’s still the same guy. I have no idea if they’re still together. That knowledge will do nothing to make my life better. I don’t need to know he’s miserable – I already know that’s who he is – proof is unnecessary.
I once heard a great definition of karma: “You don’t get away with nothin’ “. I’ve found it to be true every time. The other insight I’ve had is that you let karma happen, you don’t make it happen. It’s the way of the universe and not a result of our will. There are plenty of things in my life that will power has helped with — but pay back to others is not one of them.
In the early days after going NC I had a deep hunger for justice. I wanted the N to suffer. I fantasized about making her suffer. Savannah might remember a poem I wrote back then with some violent imagery. I needed to get that out and writing it down helped. But then I needed to let it go.
We know from many experts on narcissism that inside they suffer greatly. The image, the facade, the theater they put on is elaborately constructed and curated. Inside they are a complete mess. My N once said to me in a rare moment of honesty “I often feel lost, abandoned and panicked.” She flirts and intrigues and lies to gain attention so she can divert her thoughts from this darkness. But it always returns.
Most narcissists die alone. That is their long term reality.
But it all takes time to work out. It can be very hard to keep that in mind at first. But cosmic time is different from our time. It’s good to share the pain and anger here or with a therapist or close friend(s). But there is no need to give the universe a push toward justice. It is coming in its own time, not on our schedule.
Someone mentioned the Native American in the film The Revenant who made the point that the timing of justice was not up to him. Every time I read about some gambling addict losing it all at an Indian casino or dying while driving drunk after gambling at a casino I think of all the people who died from European germs and warfare and starvation and I think yes, that’s karma again working itself out over time.
Thank you for this timely post. It’s been 9 months since my ex-narc discarded me. While I feel I’ve taken the high road in terms of not playing the blame game, the revenge fantasies are still in high gear. I was watching The Revenant last night and there was a scene where a Native American was talking about his family being slaughtered. He said, “My heart bleeds…..but revenge is in the creator’s hands”. It hit home with me and I cried deeply. Thank you for wisdom and support, and for helping us recover and become stronger individuals.
I so agree with everything you have written. These essential skills such as dignity, discretion, humility are not easy to hold to in difficult times but well worth it because they surround you with honesty and sincerity. They push manipulators and liars away and allow only kind and loving people close. The fact that you can get some kind of justice is a bonus, it does not always happen but when it does, how sweet it is. thanks Savannah.
Great article!! I’m a Jennifer Aniston fan, too, & being reminded of the grace & class that she had during the massive media storm of her divorce from Pitt because of Jolie has given me a lot of encouragement for today.
Knowing that Pitt & Jolie are in for the same media storm & that Jolie is making a mess of it is, indeed, perversely pleasing!
I am still married to my sex addict narc, but because of your website and others like it, am learning how to disengage “with class”. We are set to meet for a couples counseling session later on today, where I plan on informing him that I am no longer going to be attending counseling with him (it hasn’t done a lick of good), and that I will be pursuing a divorce. I am prepared for the backlash that this announcement will have; thankfully we are already separated & I have an amazing support group. I have this tiny sliver of hope that he will take my news with the same grace in which I will be delivering it, but if past experiences are teachers, it will likely put him into a tailspin and he will act out, putting himself & others in danger. This is no longer my concern–I am making my life about ME now, and am committed to ridding myself of this person who has posed for 12 years to be an amazing husband, when he is, in fact, not.
Thank you again for the posts and information that you share in your blog. I am stronger because of it. #TeamAniston
I saw my exhusband for the first time in 15 months Friday night. He unloaded a family bomb on me. He is in pain and worries. Actually looks worse than I’ve ever seen him. I listened gave advice and left thinking it’s not my problem anymore. Karma has come back around. Treat people the way you want to be treated always. Keep your head up always and things will turn around. They have for me. Choices and consequences is really what life’s made of. Attitude is everything stay positive and enjoy your journey!
“the other woman being younger, more beautiful, more interesting, more complex – every man’s fantasy.”?? I don’t feel she was any of these things or in any way “more”.
Honestly, I don’t know any guys who claim to fantasize over Jolie. All the ones I know prefer Aniston.
Hollywood is rampant with narcissists so none of this is shocking in the least.
A year on, one of the things I am happy about is that I didn’t publicise any opinions or feelings. I did twice early on, make factual statements (i.e. that he had a new gf) to sets of mutual friends who invited us both to dinner. In the first instance, neither of them was invited. The second time, he was invited and I found the whole evening difficult. Now, I would make sure not to get into that situation.
I see your last two comments as being intended to comfort those who are nearer from the breaik up than I am. It suggests that you still have some contact. There can be reasons why that happens.
It was only recently that I finally blocked him on FB. I saw his self importance about her birthday and recalled one of mine when he said he had been too busy to go shopping.Yes, it will happen to her along the line but it revived the hurt I felt at the time. I will never be involved with him again so I really don’t need to know what happens to him/them and I’d like to get to the point where he’s no longer in my mind.
I do wonder whether, by not talking enough about my feelings, I have internalised them. I’ve been trying to catch destructive “voices” in my head. One of them is still his.
I wonder why I should retain the residue of his voice rather than that of my previous partner. Perhaps because, even though it was an unsatisfactory relationship, there was more reality in it than there was with in the crazy dance with the narc.
Believe it or not, I am actually trying really hard, as you say, to look to myself and my own future telling myself that’s not selfish and I am allowed!
Mile my last two comments suggest no such thing. I haven’t seen or heard from my ex since I walked out the door.
Thank you!! Thank you!! For 3 months I wanted to do everything you mentioned because I was so angry at the way He left me after all I put up with his horrible behaviors towards me for 6 years. I wanted to call his parents, daughters, bosses and tell them how much he was an abusive man! BUT I DID NOT and never called anyone, not even him! Not once! God broke that chain for me and I believe just what you said, I have more self dignity and class and eventually it will all come back to him and I know he thought I was going to beg him to come back and thought I would call all of those people, so Yes, he I am sure is wondering why I never called him or did a thing and let him go for good!! This was a great article and helped me very much so when I get that urge to do those things to let people know who this Narc truly is behind closed doors, I will reread this article again and again. Thank you whole heartedly ~
Yes, the dignified route is what Aniston took. Jolie certainly seems to be taking it the other way, with Brad Pitt under investigation for child abuse by the Feds! Sometimes one has to say what they have held in. Within reason. One thing this proves is that karma is alive and well.
Savannah, this post speaks of the values I seek to develop, especially when I find myself fixated on the pain of the past with a covert narcissist. It’s only been a week since I walked away and although I’m smiling again, he just won’t stop contacting me and threatening suicide. Do you think it’s worth responding to him? Is it likely that he would kill himself?
Angela no and no.
Thank you so much for this, in a such a timely matter. I will say that I have always been an A.J. fan but I am thoroughly disappointed with cheating behavior and feel for the children who always seem to suffer the most in a split.
I have grappled many times with wanting to screenshot and send text messages to my cheating ex-husband’s affair partner/turned girlfriend. It’s been 3 years since I found out about the affair and left; and after he told me to move on, and I did; he has sent me texts talking about reconciling and how miserable he is without me, behind her back; up until this summer; yet he never broke it off with her, knowing that was what we he had to do to give us an honest chance. This is not the first affair, although we were not married then. When she did move out, right away he wanted to jump back into the marriage w/o giving himself a chance to grieve that loss. I didn’t want to be another rebound and took a 2 year commitment to being single so I could figure out my own baggage. He’s now moving to another city, to be closer to her and her family, (not his son,) which we worked out in mediation, so he could have more time with the kiddo, as he lived 2 hours away previously. He has stopped sending me the love texts since I took him back to custody court, as he wanted our kid to attend school where he was where his family lives. Now he is moving away from his and our son’s family and taking majority of physical custody, which I mistakenly agreed to in mediation w/o weighing the consequences. I have been waiting for the right time to send her these texts, if at all, because part of me wants to try to sabotage his move. Of course that’s exactly what it would look like and it would show him I still cared because he knows her and the affair are my “crazy” triggers; which is why I believe he passive-aggressively chose the city where she moved to, although they appeared split to his family. I don’t think it would make a lick of difference if I did because she didn’t mind being the other woman, (from what he said,) she’s accommodating of being second and his shit behavior and he already told her once that he missed us and wanted to reconcile and she still took him back and even offered him another child like he wanted at 39 years old, when she supposedly never wanted children. Of course his commitment-phobia kicked in and that’s when he appeared to break it off but has still been carrying on with her from what my child told me.
Yes, part of me does want him and I, to move on, (that’s the point right?) and really does hope he evolves and maybe does really learn to commit to her and maybe they are just better matched and I’m happier w/o him anyway. But then the other part of me, counts on his passed behavior and knows he’s not really happier with her or me, and himself, and wants him to forever pinne, and is waiting for him to screw up with her and that the Universe or God will teach them the lesson I think they need to learn to prove myself right and feel justified. It’s so egotistical of me to mirror the hurt and root myself in negativity, fighting with ghosts and scenarios in my head. I believe that sending her those texts would keep that cycle going and the drama alive and it’s about time I take responsibility and cut the cord. I think the best part is about giving up the need for control, is that I don’t have to lift a damn finger to let that own dysfunction or good thing play out. I’ll just do my own thing and observe how this next year goes; and that way, it won’t be “my fault,” and I don’t have to succumbed to mirroring malicious and manipulative behavior they exhibit, and stoop to their level. Justice won’t come my way or by my hand, and I have to accept that things take time. Thank you very much for helping my digest and reflect on how your words apply in my own life. This has been tremendously helpful in helping me to make the decision to live this truth. Great work.