“When it comes to relationships I just have two different people inside fighting for supremacy.” – Narcissist
One of the most difficult aspects of recovering from Narcissistic abuse, is having to watch the one that hurt you walk away completely unscathed. Many move on and behave like you and your relationship never even existed, while you are still deeply affected by the trauma. What I try to tell people, who are having a hard time with this, is that that’s not the case. It’s the opposite in fact. Having Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn’t mean you don’t suffer any consequences, or any punishment – having Narcissistic Personality Disorder is much, much worse – it’s a life sentence.
Many say they wish they could be like their Narcissist, not caring about other people’s feelings and the truth is that Narcissists are not Psychopaths, they do have doubts, they do have a conscience. They are constantly second guessing themselves and are full of anxiety. If you knew what actually went on inside their heads you would quickly discover that that isn’t a place you would even want to visit, let alone live there. Their everyday life is a constant battle with insecurity, depression, feelings of mania, worthlessness, and frustration. Many also suffer from addictions, trying to self-medicate the battle that goes on inside of them.
Narcissists on Needing External Validation
Needing Narcissistic Supply is at the heart of everyone that suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They cannot regulate their feelings about their own self-worth. I’ve discussed at length, with the Narcissists I counsel, about how a healthy person is responsible for their own self-worth and self-esteem and that another person’s inability to see their worth doesn’t alter its value. Narcissists can’t self-regulate their own value. They are dependent upon other people to give them their worth. All of them cognitively understand the concept, but none of them can integrate it into their lives.
“It’s like giving a total stranger the keys to my feelings. That person becomes my everything. I know it’s stupid and superficial. I can tell myself (what other people think) doesn’t mean anything, but it never works. Even though I know that’s what I do I can’t help it. I’ll do it every time.” – Narcissist
These Narcissists that I talk to get most of their dates through dating websites. While all of them are good looking, young, athletic and charming, they do get rejected quite a lot. When this happens they explained that they feel depressed, agitated and worthless. They forget about all the women they themselves have run from and only remember the ones where they didn’t get a second date. It’s not that they remember them specifically, what they remember is the accumulation of people that didn’t want them.
A Narcissist will keep looking for someone that will make them feel good. They behave under the pretense that it’s someone else’s job to make them happy and keep them happy. Often they do meet someone that will arouse those feelings in them initially, but as always those feelings subside and when they try to understand it – it becomes the other person’s fault. They know they didn’t do anything differently, but their feelings have waned, so the only conclusion they have left is that if must be their partner’s fault. They then tell themselves that if you were the one for them, then their feelings wouldn’t have changed and the devaluing phase begins.
“When I’m pursuing someone and I realize that they like me, they become my energy supplier. At that moment I feel hopeful, positive about the future. I feel all good stuff.” – Narcissist
The Amygdala, Insecurity and Reality
I have witnessed Narcissists be overwrought with insecurity and indecision and I have also watched them, with ease, glaze over any reality that would paint them in a bad light. It’s almost like they can walk along a path of reality only so far and then something happens, inside of them, that refuses to see themselves as anything but superior and grandiose, even when presented with undeniable facts to the contrary.
Many believe this is the Narcissist’s false self in action. The Narcissist has developed a coping mechanism which allowed them to rewire their brains. For example, in the most layman of layman’s terms: if as a child you are constantly and viciously berated and demeaned by a parent on a daily basis – the first few times the child’s emotional reaction is what one would expect – they would experience fear, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and emotional pain. When this same scenario replays over and over again and the child’s emotional development matures some, or gets used to it, they learn how to tune this out and it stops having the same effect on them.
One of the tasks of the Amygdala is to make sense of our surroundings and emit the proper hormones for the right emotional reaction. One theory is that Narcissists have learned to bypass this internal mechanism. This is simplifying it to the exteme, but what happens is that they’ve learned how to tune out reality and ignore any situation where they aren’t seen as the person they wish to project to the world.
Here’s an example: Bob works at a restaurant. He was hired as a favor to his mother by the owner, even though Bob didn’t have any restaurant experience and wasn’t the greatest of employees. One day Bob got caught stealing money from the till. The owner called his mother and then fired him. Both Bob’s mother and the restaurant owner were very upset and were angry that Bob would do this to them after they both went out of their way to help him. Bob expressed that he wouldn’t have stolen the money if the owner hadn’t cheated him on his paycheck (Bob’s paycheck was accurate) and he couldn’t understand why everyone was so upset. It was just $50. He then became upset at his mother and his boss for being upset with him.
Here’s another example: My first love slept with anything that moved. Before he hit 20 he had amassed a harem of women all pining for his return. Although he slept with my best friend at the time and my cousin, I still continued to be involved with him, even though he was now involved with someone new. We all ran in the same circles and would occasionally run into each other at different parties and gatherings . At one such event he tried to speak to a girl, whom he dated and cheated on. She ended her relationship with him when she found out and refused to have anything further to do with him. At the party he came up to me and commented on his ex and said, “She’s not cool like you. She’s so uptight.” At the time I took it as a complement. Now I look back at that scene and realize that he was completely incapable of seeing the reality -that he was 100% responsible for and deserving of her animosity and that I wasn’t the one that was cool – she was for standing up for herself.
Anxiety, Crashing and Soaring
I get texts from Max every so often. Usually they will say something like, “I just met this gorgeous girl at my gym. She’s so hot. She’s inspired me to get my shit together.” When he just meets someone he is almost manic. He’s oddly, too excited and too happy.
A few weeks later I’ll shoot him a text and ask him how it’s going. He’ll say something like, “I don’t talk to her anymore. She’s nuts. I’m not dating anyone. I should just end it and kill myself. I know just how to do it too.”
Narcissists live on a never ending emotional roller coaster. Unable to control much of their emotions, they soar and crash on a regular basis. Never able to find balance or peace in their relationships. They are the drug addict that never knows when his supplier is going to show up. They teeter on the brink of oblivion, living with intense anxiety and fear – never knowing or able to control what comes next.
Even though it looks like your Narcissist has trotted off into the sunset and you keep thinking that he’s happier with his new partner, remember that these things just don’t go away once they’ve left you. Yes they tried to make everything your fault, but by God don’t believe them. All of these problems still exist inside of them, regardless of who they’re with. It may seem like a nice idea to be able to bypass over reality when you’ve done something shitty, but reality is obvious to everyone else around you. I wouldn’t want to be the only one foolishly unable to see it or accept it. While it looks like they perceive themselves as superior and grandiose, the reality is they are ripe with insecurity, fear and anxiety. They are driven by emotions that they cannot control and they are a slave to the opinions of other people. So the next time you’re thinking you’d like to be just like your Narcissist…. think again. That’s one ride you’re going to want to sit out.
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Thank You for this
I just realized I’m in a relationship with a Narc
When he revealed his true colors I was shocked!
Boy, they sure know how to hide who they are in the beginning!
After reading lots of information about them, he could be the textbook picture!
Classic Grandiose Narc
I do, however, feel quite sorry for them,
But the destruction they leave behind is terrible.
The article was OK, but it sort of breezed by a couple of points. I know because I have been there, done that. Those afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are defined by their cunning and vindictive behaviors, while maintaining crispy clean images. My experiences:
I went through a hellish, at times, childhood that left me anxious and insecure during my formative years. I learned about the damage from Narcissistic parents about 50 years too late to do the most good, although over time, I overcame or adapted to the damage done by my NPD mother. There was never an “official” diagnosis of the dysfunction in my family, but through extensive reading, I finally figured things out. Her mantra could have been “I’ll show you.” The physical abuse included things like being forced to kneel on dried kidney beans on the kitchen linoleum for extended periods (the pock marks eventually went away). The mental and verbal abuse left no scars on the outside, of course. Just inside.
I was much later lucky enough to have an acquaintance steer me into a good career. A few years into it, we hired a fellow who was an “agency hopper” I guess you would call him, more like a Typhoid Mary. He ascended the ranks quickly by learning who to stroke, all while toying with subordinates. You wouldn’t believe how many men were brought up on charges or sent for psychiatric evaluation (they all returned to work) all in the name of Narcissistic supply. Yup, his time at the National Academy studying psychological profiling really paid off for the taxpayers. He was a master at stroking politicians and eventually was rewarded with one of the highest police supervisory positions in the county. He toyed with the wrong person, though, and was later canned. His wife got tired of all the Tom Cattin’ and eventually divorced him. They screen police candidates for Narcissism, but some are smart enough to pass the testing.
In all my reading, I ran across Dark Triad personalities, and sure enough, the descriptions fit this guy like a glove. I completed a Hare’s Psychopathy for him. He came in 2 points below Ted Bundy. But then again, I knew nothing about his childhood, so who knows? A dangerous person, for sure. They need to do MRI brain scans of police candidates. It would be objective, with a worthwhile return on investment.
I understand it’s in theory only. I believe everyone should be held accountable for their actions. A narcissist I believe know to what degree and to what extent they can go with their behavior. I don’t think they can then go back and not see or not realize how detrimental their actions and behavior have affected another person. I think they are pros at gaslighting. They arePsychopaths They meet the criteria. Here’s the thing You don’t have to be a narcissist to be stuck in your head withThoughts ideas and emotions that no one can see but you that’s everyone in life it’s called being human. Anyway a lot of this may come from just you know I have a lot of pent up anger and frustration because of narcissism my life is literally tore my life apart in every way shape and form when I say that and ask a lift everything I have has multiple suicide attempts from Just wanted to get out of this World the scape escape the world that he had built up around me they are abusers another words not all Narcissist are I don’t know I’ve only had my experience with the one but.
Hey thanks it was a great article and it really was enlightening.
You have said that narcissists are not psychopaths, but many of them are. Narcissism is one element of the dark triad which is narcissism, machiavellianism and psychopathy and it is common for someone to have all three of these together.
Alice They can be both, but they have to meet the criteria for both.
Your post is absolutely true.. that’s how I feel as I am a narc. Still struggling to change myself but never works.
Hi! This is a very late comment but I just ran across this article, and I just have to say this is just what I needed in my life right now. Thank you thank you so much for writing this!!
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 6 months and kept in contact for another 3 months before he blocked me. This was almost two years ago. It was a short period of time we were together but the impact on me was huge. He was my first boyfriend, so just from then it was pretty bad that that’s what I came into entering a relationship for the first time.
Everything you said here makes everything make so much more sense. He was very outgoing and the life of the party, but when it was just me and him he told me he doesn’t even really like those people. It made me confused why he was hanging out with these people being all friendly with them if he didn’t even like them. Your point about them needing validation based on what other people think of them makes makes it a lot more clearer. I always felt like he was desperate to keep up appearances, as the cool party dude everyone is friends with. When I was with him, he would even go so far as to brag about how much more likes he got for his photos than stuff I would post. He corresponded these “likes” and his perceived opinion of how others thought of him as self validation that nothing’s wrong with him.
He started his own online business and his group of who he considers friends are all similar to each other. They pride themselves too much thinking they’re god-like for making themselves rich, but they don’t realize the privileges they’ve had. Having this group with him I think only enabled his narcissism, being surrounded by people with overinflated images of themselves that they project onto others.
Another thing that stood out to me was the being manic at the start of the relationship. What you wrote is so right and relates so much to what I experienced. He gave me lavish gifts and took me out a lot to nice places but it was all so very extreme and sudden right from the start. I read about another thing narcissists do which is “love bombing”, they try to make their partners feel excessively good just when the relationship’s started. I think this is them being manic, because they found someone who can fill up their intense need for validation.
And as is typical for narcissists, that lavish gift giving and signs of affection dissapated very quickly, in two months or so. He started blaming me for things. Even going so far as to attack my self-esteem, calling me unhealthy and fat which is far from the truth. I’m not the slimmest but I like to think I’m in the normal healthy body range. But he would do ANYTHING not to place the blame on him, stooping this low included.
I became more and more afraid as the relationship went on. He became too easily triggered, even literally out of nowhere. I felt like I was walking on eggshells because i didn’t know what the next thing that would set him off was. At that point I had already fallen for him hard so I wanted to appease him also because I still tried to see the good in him. But it got worse and worse, he would explicitly say he doesn’t want me hanging out with my friends because he doesn’t like it. Meanwhile he gets to go clubbing with his friends. He was essentially making me dependent on him, trying to cut me off from people, he wanted me there for the sole purpose to feed his ego, even if I was unhappy and miserable, he didn’t care as long as he got his feeding of his ego. Even after we broke up, he said he wants an open relationship, he said he “didn’t want to lose me”, but I realize now he just didn’t want his source of ego boost to go away, while he still gets to sleep around and meet other girls. It was very sickening thinking about it now.
Reading the part about feeling it’s unfair they get to go on unscathed after all the damage they’ve done, and that that isn’t true because this is a lifelong issue for them and even if they seem happy with their new partner, those issues are still there. That helped me feel a lot better than you might know. I felt that exact way. The day after we broke up, he was back on the dating app we met from. Meanwhile I was experiencing heartbreak and depression. He has a new partner now and when I found out about that I felt that way. That it’s unfair that he can move on and be happy while I still have to pick up the pieces he ruined and my scars are still healing. It was very hard to accept and very frustrating. I have a new partner now, who helps me heal those scars but they’re hard to heal. But thanks to your article, I realized he’s going to go through this same cycle over and over again, and I should be glad I got out of that. I might have scars but he has a wound that never heals. My scars will fade even after how bad he made me feel about myself, but his wound will always be open.
And just from knowing that, I feel like I just made a giant step of progress in my healing. It’s made me feel a lot happier where I am and with who I am.
Good reflection and so true! You will continue to get stronger without him and he will continue down the same cycle.
I do not know how to leave a comment. I am compelled to say how grateful I am to the writer. So frosted with humor. Cant wait to share this with my therapist. I do find Narc to be interesting and entertaining. What has helped here is not to take them so serious. They really are funny. My x he literary has Tom Foolery embroidered on his coat. Insanity can be funny. I honestly think I’ve taken people and life way too serious. Again thumbs up to the writer. I’m so busy and tired but I’m going to look to who the writer is.
I’ve been reading everything I could get my hands on. I had to I was losing my mind in the relationship. This one I must say was light and easy and has lessened my pain. Thank you LA
amazing insight. thankyou 🙂
A narcissist is able to change, there is nothing impossible in this world.
Bu they choose not to, because what they are doing is fun, easy, and less frustrating than working on with their lives and moving on like good hard working people who suffer realism than the narcissists.
Your life matters!
(continue…)
What’s impossible is what you make it to be. And please people, let’s be honest and smart, let’s not act dumb or act like we don’t understand.
Since the narcissist knows what they are doing and are conscious about it, it’s like saying someone is conscious about rape and murder.
So, why can we ALLOW the narcissist to keep doing what they are doing, while we can’t allow a murder or a raper to do what they are doing?
The difference is physical abuse and emotional abuse, and one is not less than the other.
Put a narcissist accountable for their actions, and do not fall in to their traps. Allowing them to emotionally abuse you, get inside your head, sucking up to them cuz they need it, and giving them so many pieces of yourself is like you are asking to have yourself raped and killed. I am sorry, but the truth can’t be wider than this.
DO NOT GIVE IN TO SOMETHING OR SOMETHING WHO PRETENDS, FANTASIZES THEMSELVES AS THE “needy” ones, when all of us have our own problems in life.
You accept a narcissist then everything that happens in your life has begun by your hands, and not the hands of the narcissist. The narcissist would be like “Oh, this person is allowing me to enter. Imma do that and own him/her”.
When you don’t allow a narcissist in your life your reality will shine through in realism, tough, happy, sad, anything you can think of. Just do not lie to yourself. Be yourself! I hope this is a good advice.
I don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble, this does sound caring, heartbreaking, pittyness, and everything under the feeling of the skin, but I have my own experience with narcissism.
I have 2 parents who live up to the grandeour narcissism, emotional abuse, backstabbing by talking to others about you behind your back in a negative way, using you for their own fantasy way (whatever is lying inside their heads), telling you you are the weird one when you confront them about situations that you are not comfortable about and the need for the repetitive behaviour to stop, turning family members against you, flirting with you (yep, my own mother does it, and I kinda feel like my dad is gay sometimes, even though he acts “tough”), silent treatment like they say is their biggest weapon, careless about how you feel – and trust me, I can go on… but let’s talk about what’s important.
What’s important and what’s realistic is that around a narcissist you are emotionally alone. Whatever ups and downs, whatever negative and positive emotions, the narcissist does not cope with those, because they hide their true self, And because they hide their true authentic self, I guess then you are left alone yourself. That’s for authenticy. Now we will talk about “actings”.
Whatever you act to be, besides being yourself the narcissist sees this and analysis this, and this analyse looks like this “What makes him bigger than me? I need to be bigger” and their plan of being bigger than you starts.
The biggest thing you can do is FALL for a narcissist. When the narcissist is truely in their own fantasy world, no one knows what could happen. And it’s easier to become a narcissist than fighting out of it. Remember, we all have these traits somewhere, but the one that fights out of it is the one that lives in the real world. Unlike a narcissist, as they say they are still toddlers in their fantasy world. They are not grown ups, and they haven’t started yet. Kids in adult bodies, that’s what it is, and when you fall for a narcissist you are falling in to a kid’s own mind game. Imagine you have your own children, working hard to educate them – those kids are nothing less than the narcissists, so why is the narcissist respected for his toddler behaviour and grandeur, but the kids aren’t?
As I’ve learned appearances do deceive us. We fancy those who we perceive to the naked eye as perfect people, or people who do sound like they know it all, but it’s not. If you do fall for a narcissist is like you fallen to a kid’s mind game. There is rising and there is falling.
Please, for those who feel pity to a narcissist it’s fine to do so, but do trust yourself first, and trust your feelings, senses, your own mind before the narcissist’s mind. Please, trust yourself first before you “think” you can trust a narcissist that he should actually be pittied.
It’s normal these days to accept narcissism, because let’s face it without narcissism you won’t “survive” and take everything you can from the world for your own needs. Narcissism is accepted and is being perceived as normal thing to be because it has its own agenda – to take it all before you die. Be yourself!
I have just recently got out of a narcissistic relationship. We were together for 14 years. She was my highschool sweetheart. We were married for 10 years and we have 2 amazing boys. I started noticing her intense dissatisfaction with her appearance after having the kids. We used our savings for her to get a mommy makeover. Within 1 year of the surgery she started bragging about how many people hit on her when she was out. I would always tell her that she is beautiful and that she didn’t even need the surgery in the first place. I started noticing that she stopped eating dinner with us at the table and would just be on her phone constantly. Playing games is what she told me. She stopped helping with all basic household duties and would become unglued for various small inconveniences. She stopped working and just going to the gym. Our whole family trained at a local Brazilian Jiu Jitsu academy. She started telling me that we should separate out of the blue. It was then that I started paying closer attention and discovered that she was having several affairs and even with our family coach. When she was confronted she just blamed me. She said that I didn’t give her enough attention and that she was just bored. I still gave us another chance before divorce and she seemed so happy. It turns out that she went right back to affairs with out even considering the immense amount of pain that I currently was in. She had no feelings of remorse. Once I started reading about narcissism I started realizing that she literally had every symptom of the disorder to an extreme. She blames me for the divorce because I left. I had know idea there are people in the world like this. It makes me really sad. I am happy that I am no longer blind but unfortunately I have to fight constantly for my sanity since we have kids so there is still some contact.
While they destroy the lives of their next of kin and family, they inevitably destroy themselves and any possible prospect of finding true happiness in their lives. This is what happened to my father who at the age of 90 is forced to reflect on how he destroyed his family and that the misery he feels he brought it on himself throughout his entire life.
What astonishes me is his will to live and his ultimate fear of death.
Life is miserable hell for him, so he makes it even worse for himself to remaining among the living.
My N gf did the same with me blamed me for not giving her enough attention i made her feel worthless and like a nothing. There was times where the arguements got to such an extend that i started pushing on her. If theres one thing i hate most amoungst other things and thats when guys hit girls because my father beats my mother up and then he says he says how it works and finish and if you dont listen he beats us. Whenever we use to argue she would then all of a sudden have nothing to say she stands there and keeps quiet no matter what you do. It wasnt long when i realised shes cheating but i ddnt tell her i know shes cheating i kept quiet until oneday it just popped in my head i must go down to her today is the day iam going to catch her. I tried to fight the feeling of her cheating but i knew she was and who knew what i would find my exact fear. To make sure she was i then gave her a hug and kiss she refused to hug me or kiss me back infront of this guy and i knew this was it. I turned around and walked to my car got in and i was about to leave but i know i said i hate guys hitting girls but the amount of love i had for her was way to much for me to handle what i saw it was like my love turned into anger and i got this feeling stuck in my throat of anxiety and nauziasness i cant really explain what was happening to me but i then got out of my car again walked up to her asked the guy is this your gf he replied yes and before i knew it i smacked her and i was about to do just let go and i had to stop myself and not let my emotions take control and i walked to my car got it and left. Heres the best part the very next day she came to my house pleaded and begged me to give her a chance she messed up still not realising iam involved with a N i gave her another chance and 3 weeks later caught her out again only this time around i did not hit her because i had allready prepared myself in advance for this to happen again just ddnt think it was going to be so soon
Ive read so many articles about narcissism and even while perfectly capable of understanding what iam reading and sometimes get blinded and tend to miss the warning signs. In saying this its been about a week now that ive broken up with a Narcissts in actuall fact let me just say this my last 3 relationships was all with a narcissist i wish they could just stay away from me. The actuall reason that iam here is i would like some professional advise. The last narcissist girl i dated she lied terribly even about things that made no sense lying about there was nothing to gain from the lie she told. But heres the thing i knew when she spoke the truth and we sat down and many conversations some that lead to shouting and screaming some that brought her and me to tears and also some where she admitted to being a narcissist believe it or not she even told me that she knows what shes doing is wrong but she doesnt know why she keeps hurting people. Iam no phsycologists so i couldnt help her in every way possible but i have a narcissistic father and he abuses me to the point of my life where (i know iam not suppose to say this but i cannot help it) i want to kill him but over all the years ive learned how to deal with it but still want to kill him sometimes soo with my fair share of abuse i tried to help her and she came right for 2months then it was back to where it all started. Why would she acknowledge her problem but as soon as i tried getting her help she refuses help and says nothings wrong with her and if she needs help she will get it on her own. Now i know thats a lie shes never going to get help but how can one admit theres something wrong with you and the very next day you saying theres nothing wrong with you
Louis, I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. These nut jobs
can sometimes have a brief observing ego. They are typically the
narcissist’s that we refer to as a BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Still a cluster B. They ‘split’ their emotional reactions and swing from
depression and rage, depression and mania, rage and mania, reason
and insanity. What makes a BPD so dangerous to us is that part of the
time they seem normal, sound normal and may even feign shame & remorse.
Problem is they can’t hold onto this part of themselves and they swing
to their other emotions just as quickly. They have shallow feelings & emotions
and are totally disregulated. They really can’t digest therapy people or any real
change for that matter. So, in short they don’t have the depth,
the neurology or ability to internalize and hold onto anything, let alone a
momentary confession. ;(
Fantastic article! My dearest friend of my adult life turned out to be such a person. When he left his latest relationship where, as with every relationship, he was apparently being treated terribly, I quickly found a room for him in my partner’s home to protect him from returning to her. And in hindsight, I see that he rubbed his hands together. I turned my back and lost my dearest mate, and the woman I wanted to marry, both at the same time. It was hell. It helped later that she came, apologised, and told a tale which his other ex-es have since repeated, of manipulation, control, childishness, and malevolence. I had never seen this in him, and I’d done quite a bit of sophisticated reading on the topic due to my work. But I see now that he keeps everything intellectual and at arm’s length, that he’s a master at his art, and any decent, trusting person is vulnerable to that. I’m still suffering, and it feels like he’s walked away scot free, simply shrugging his shoulders at my lack of resilience and decency (“If Matt really was a good man, he’d be happy for me”). It sounds vengeful, and maybe it is, but it feels good to be reminded that, no, there are consequences for him, embedded in his very of being.
This is now only the 2nd article I’ve read on this website, only having discovered it about 20 minutes ago. I have already cried my eyes out and feel a heightened sense of comfort and peace. I’m so grateful. Your articles are so insightful and educational for those of us trying to understand how we could have given everything we have in our hearts to a narcissist. I left mine 6 months ago. The last words i spoke to him was, “I’m done. Do not contact me”. Outside of a few manipulative and bully like texts and emails from him, I haven’t responded and stay committed to my goal of never speaking to or seeing him again if I can help it. After reading this article, this morning, for the first time, I feel like the cool girl, instead of the naive chump I’ve felt for having been duped by him.
Thank you again.
this article is very insightful! thank you! i was with my narc boyfriend for 5 years (he was my first bf..). the first 2-3 years he was the most perfect man anyone could imagine. he always kept me head over heels for him. he would do a lot for me, talk about getting married & growing old together. he’d shower me with expensive gifts, take me out to dinner, etc.
then once we moved in together, he completely switched up. he would rage over every little thing, blame anyone that challenged them & flip out, would blame me for “lying” over the simplest things, like one time when he asked how shoes got to where they were in the room, & i told him he put them there. bc i very clearly saw him do it. he flipped & kept asking why am i lying… another time i fell asleep after a long day at work, & he started yelling at me WHILE I WAS SLEEPING, because he brought him his favorite soda & he was mad that i placed it on the table…. he blamed me for bringing a drink in the first place since he accidentally spilled it. he then started yelling at me for a bunch of random different things. the next day he didn’t think he did anything wrong, & he said he was just mad he spilled the drink. we never once fought our first 2 years being together, then we started fighting almost every day bc of his toxic outbursts. i always told him to see a therapist or psychiatrist but he always refused & said i could help him, just me… since he apparently saw one before we were together & they tried to put him in a mental hospital & he apparently tried to kill him self he says. also 3 years in the relationship i started realizing his manipulative tactics. he’d always say he’d kill himself if i ever broke up with him & he seemed very suicidal whenever we’d get in arguments. i always tried to figure out what was wrong, & it was to the point where i was feeling completely drained, lonely, uncared for, etc. when i told him about it he was surprised that i felt that way. i broke up with him a few months ago, because he wanted to get a house with me. but i told him i wouldn’t unless he saw a psychiatrist first & changed up his toxic emotional, mental, & spiritual abuse. he flipped out & said he’d never see someone, then he tried lying & manipulating saying he would, then he told me he was just saying that. so i broke up with him. & he has since been trying to get me back almost obsessively, but he still refuses to see someone. so i’ve moved on with my life. it still aches me so much, thinking how all the good memories were all a painful lie, he also had a rep for being a pathological liar. it absolutely pains me to think i spent 5 years of a lie, 5 years who i thought would’ve been my soulmate, but just to find out he really never cared about me.
Wow! Amazing! I identified so much with what you said….as one on a receiving end of a npd. I thank you SO much for the insight into where they are coming from. For me it is cathartic. I am close to being divorced after my 1 year of required separation in NC. It has been hell,. A true roller coaster in SO many ways. But thank God, I’ve slowly been able to put pieces together and make SOME sense out of something that initially made NO sense. I feel myself starting to move into a healing phase. Thank You for the insight! It is nice to have some insight as to where their head is .
GREAT ARTICLE! Just what I needed to read. Kicked my Narc out to the curb after 1.3 months of marriage (2nd marriage) after his mask dropped and he emailed me divorce paper settlement when I was at an Al-Anon meeting. My light bulb blew up and I saw him for what he was. I went straight to my computer and changed my name back to what is was before taking his, moved out of the bedroom, we went to counseling and I told the counselor I’m done. He begged and pleaded said he would never divorce me but after a few days he left and filed with an attorney. Thank God he did. He was a nightmare, Our marriage counselor said he was co-dependent, love avoisent, love dependent, in fear and a victim plus a manipulator and controlling and a BOUNDARY BREAKER! As soon as I put a boundary in place (moved out of bedroom) he bolted. I see on social media he ran back to his old supply and she took him back – I’m shocked. An educated nurse took him back after he dumped her and married me. You are so right the counselor pointed out he needed to manage his emotions and get his own validation and he coudn’t do it. He kept having expectations form me when counselor told him to stop making me his God. P.S. He claimed he was a Christian and I saw his Ordained Pastor Cetification. So sick and his trail of women he has hurt is long. I was feeling a bit down falling in the trap he changed and there off having fun andI knew logically not so and then reading this put me back on trap! Thank you and God Bless!
I have tried to change but it doesn’t ever work. I always get bored of people in the end. Dunno why? But I don’t plan it
This article was an exact description of my life for the last 14 years!! If only I knew these things back then. I am finally ending a 14 year roller coaster and I am very very traumatized. I’m looking for a good therapist that understands stands these things.
Same for me – except add another 14 years. Yes. Twenty-eight years of living with someone like this. I began seeing glimpses of his ‘real self’ after 11-12 years, but it got really bad about 4 years later. I foolishly still believed he would ‘get better’, as he was going to counseling. Then he began going to a 1 step program for his pornography addiction. But all he did was get worse instead of better. He changed therapists if they figured him out, and fooled the rest of them. Best of luck on finding a therapist who understands this type of trauma.
I meant to type “12” step program.
Yep,. Been there! I had 20 years invested…pretty good (though he was a rather “flat” personalitied person…but seemed like a decent guy…none of us is perfect was how I saw it)
Anyway, guess he got tired of the old supply….moved in to someone 16 years younger…and a skank from ALL reports….yep,. Looks like they don’t give STDs a second thought! Interesting…..mine also got into porno….I think his new supply used it as extra “candy” to lure him. What *$@#&! People they are! Yes, we have a lot if trauma and pain to deal with…not easy. BUT we are authentic/real people. I am so grateful to be on this end! Best of Life to you from here on!
Julie,. I wish you the best! I can identify with you SOuch as it sounds like we are probably both at the same point. I am close to divorce finalization ( within 2 weeks of a 1 year required wait/he’ll. But I have made it!!!). Hang in there and I wish you well . My Christian faith has really sustained me along with a network of authentic believers in the faith. Don’t know how else I would’ve made it…..professional help is great….but I think you need some “Higher” help also…..this is a very challenging situation to deal with. I wish you the VERY best!
This is one of the BEST articles that I have read explaining narcissism. It would suck to live in their head. I dated one of these sickos and it was the most devastating experience I’ve ever been through. Once I read about Narcissism and realized he was text book narcissist I could finally put closure to how I was treated. That was 10 yrs after. So I went all those years with questions in my head at how he could have treated me like a queen and then like a troll. Crazy stuff!
Opps…last sentence “deal” with is what l meant to type. I forgot to mention mine also always use to blame all his ex wives for his life turning out so miserable, it was never ever his issue! It was always them, or society, or his ex business partners, or his mistresses, or his friends, neighbors, parents, ex girlfriends, anyone with 1 oz of authority he despised!!! Everyone was stupid and of no use to him in his eyes that is after he took their time, $, or drained or wore them down emotionally! Sex was also used as a weapon of control over his harem of women! What is sad is some of these men think sexual diseases still don’t exist anymore! It’s scary and dysfunctional! You’d think by the time some of us women hit our 50’s we’d be able to recognize the garbage sooner than later! Don’t fall for the garbage! Thanks for letting me vent!
Glad I am away from mine! Far, far, far away! He was one truly sick puppy! Lied, cheated, stole and always came out looking like a saint! Womanizer! Used everyone from business partners, to ex wives/girlfriends, his parents, friends, to fulfill all his sick parasitic needs. NO ONE was off limits! It was and always will be about HIM! I never met anyone quiet like him. Could pull the at one with Jesus and Christian card, but in the same breath turn around steal 50k from a business partner, screw their wives, drink like a fish, pretend to be at his kids sporting event even though he’s hanging out at a bar or snorting sh$t up his nose while hitting on a single naive wet behind the ears still type of gal! Used everyone only as a means to his end. If you could supply $, sex, admiration, or some form of ego boost you were in like the wind, but if not out of his life do quick it would make your head spin! Dealing with narcs is and always will be a complete waste of time and $! No thanks been there done that not doing it ever again, good luck and Godspeed to anyone else that has to deck with these fools that ruin lives!
Me and my N are over. He has blame everything on me and have tried to justify the reason why he left and ended the relationship. I feel sad, and I’m happy I’m feeling these emotions. It may sound crazy but being raise by a N father, I feel sometime like I am a N, like I’m emotional less, I walk around with this idea, I don’t care,but now I am feeling the lost of him and I am embracing the feeling. I have reached out to him, only for him justify why he feel how he feel or why he did the things he did, and I’m trying to explain to him I did not do anything to him, for him to feel the way he is feeling, but what is sad, I know that he is a N, I also feel that I have alot of traits of NPD myself. I know exactly what he is doing to me, and I can’t deny it, I do want to be with him, but I know he has a problem. I also know that we can’t get along being in the same house, the only reason why we last so long is because we aren’t living together, I know this is not normal. I’m going to get it together. I have too.
My N has left and went back a day early back to his island. He complained that I’m stubborn, I act like I don’t want him, I wasn’t cooking enough, I wasn’t giving him enough sex, but say the sex good but he should have been getting everyday. He wanted me to seduce him for sex, he told me that he is use to the woman initiate sex. I told him that it doesn’t matter who does what. I should come naturally. So since I was not initiated sex we barley had sex during his visit, and he complained about that. He said his complaining about my life, with what I’m not doing right and complaining about how my my children act, was to help me. Upon arrival to the airport, I vented to him about all he has done to ruin our relationship and his visit. He told he that he is doing me a favor, and freeing me from this relationship then. I argued with him, raised my voice and was very frustrated. He then tells me why are u so mad?? Upon getting out the car he said, I was really falling for you, I also was ready to open up to and tell you about my important court case, he claim he couldn’t talk about it over the phone. I told him whatever. He also said that I prove him right, that I really didn’t want him. He said with him changing his flight to leave a day early was a test to see if I would try to get him to change his mind. I told him that he his crazy and only crazy people would such things. I dropped him off at the airport and within an hour I received a txt that me miss me. He has called and txt me all day. He has made it back to his town. I know this relationship is not healthy, I think i have dealt with these type of men because I’m use to choas and I grew up with my parents having a bad marriage, and they are still together now elderly and still fussing and fighting everyday. I am seeking help, to help myself from continue to be codependent.
I met my N on a dating website, and it has been hell since then. A Christian website. There is nothing Christian about him. This guy first started in on me telling I need to change my wardrobe, BC he want to be attracted to me. Then it was my hair, makeup, what I ate. I needed to lose weight. He constantly lecture me on my whole life, on my career. He felt that I didn’t do enough work on the job, I am a in home private nurse. He felt with all my down time, I could start a business. He lecture me on how I raise my 2 boys. He claim that I was to soft on them and they were going to grow up gay. He basically had a negative opinion on everything in my life. I needed a complete change in his eyes. He said I don’t know anything about being in a relationship, I don’t know anything about being in love. Mind you I was married before for 10 years, and was the breadwinner in that relationship. He felt that I made alot of dumb decision in life. Mind you, he did not have a career. He was a buffer boy, he barely had a place to live. We have been dating for almost 2 years, he lives over seas on an island, and I live in the states. During the relationship I have used as an excuse to his behavior, that we are from 2 different cultures. He grew up in the beginning of his life in a 3world country, so he would have more stricter ways and different values. I slowly started to realize that everything turned to my fault. When I use to visit him, he would say that I’m not clingy enough, or the sex was not good, or I’m on my phone too much. When we had the children together on vacation he constantly ran after my kids and constantly complained that they were disrespectful, or my boys act like girls, or I don’t dress them nice. He constantly punish my 5 year old for everything under the sun. When he drove home with us to my house during the summr, he stayed with us for 3 weeks, it was nothing but hell, he harassed my teenage son, followed him around like a drill sergeant, command him to clean. My baby boy was always punish, constantly turning the television off from him. He complained he was not getting enough sex, or I’m not entertaining him enough, or that I’m not taking him out enough, or complain when I get off from work, I’m not sitting next to him while we watch television. During this relationship I constantly fussed back with him, telling him to accept me as I am, with flaws and everything. I constantly told him we need to get along so your relationship can work out. He is back down here in the states visiting me now, it’s the same situation. He complaining that I’m on the phone too much, and he is on the phone more than me, I’m not taking him out on the town enough, but now he gives me the silent treatment, when he gets mad. I can’t wait for him to leave. I forgot to mention, he barely tells me another about his past, I know that his both of his children mother does not have anything to do with him. 2 of his ex girlfriends have him blocked with no contact. He meets all his woman now online, he has alot of females friends online, and keeps a friendship with them. He has no child hood friends, or even any real adult friends. And from what I did learn about his childhood, his mother sister raised him and mistreated him, and his mother was not affectionate. His dad never had anything to do with him. I am so tired of him. I think why I have been staying in this relationship thus far, is BC I’m use to the drama and choas. I grew up in it, and my last relationship was the same way, but I can’t take it no more.
I made appointment for myself for therapy. I self diagnose myself with Adult ADD, but I also a suffer from co dependency, my last husband was bi polar, and felt he also border line personality disorder. I stayed with him for 10 years and it was pure hell also, but he was the type, I hate you, but please don’t leave me. I grew up in a home with NPD father, the over achiever grandiose type, and who is foreign. He made me feel bad about myself, bC with attention deficit disorder, he felt like I am a failure BC I did amount to his expectations. So now at 35 years I’m here, trying to get my life together.
This article is so enlightening, I have been with my on off narc boyfriend for two and a half years, we are both in our late 40’s. Even though he denys it most of the time, I know that the whole of his life he was verbally abused and constantly put down by his dad, until his dad passed 3 years ago. If as a result to protect himself and to deal with the pain and hurt his dad caused him it has created the narc person he has become today. Would opening up and talking about the pain and hurt his dad caused him, help him change from the horrible narc he is?
No, please don’t remain in touch with this man.
these articles have been so helpful to me. literally woke me up from my self denial, self esteem degedation, my self hating, self post apocolypic stage.. 2 years later! its incredible just how truly someone can fuck us up. like right to the very core of our being. I am lying in bed now and suddenly after 2 years of nothing being enough for me.. guess where I inherited that fucked up mind set.. suddenly everything is enough. I can see like a whole set of patterns. like a web of lies she said to me.. I can also see the patterns which are in place after her. the total insecurity. I was so insecure and a so broken I can hardly even call it insecure. it was that cataclysmic. she was able to demolish my deepest trauma taking such advantage of my suffering. I let her in after she made me feel like a selfish prick for keeping her at arms length and then she did her damage. wow. the pain. I cant describe it. even now. it is excruciating. feels like some got a hot poker and is jabbing it around through my chest into my insides. I am so still in pain. but relieved wow I dodged a bullet. she made me feel so.. who knows the word. ive never even come close to whatever that feeling was until now.. enslaved? abused? traumatized. anyway you get the picture that I was inadvertly only forced into marrying her. fortunately I was too young and she was a lot older than me… thank fuck!!!
i hear that marrying one of these people is like. soul destroying.
i couldn’t even imagine in my wildest dreams. i have so much compassion and sympathy not only for whoever her target is now. but also for all the people here that suffered at the hands of these kinds of people. i am just shellshocked.
love and peace to you all. you have to know that YES YOU ARE WORTH IT. NO IT WASNT REAL LOVE. even though you might blame yourself over and over again DONT! for 2+ years i have been doing that. DONT! it wasn’t your fault. its not your fault. its not your fault.
i am sorry to know your pain, so sharp, so fresh, so deep right down to the roots of your soul. these kind of people deserve to be in hospital or prison.
health and healing to you all. its a long road and you can do it!
You have hit the nail on the head. I noticed many disturbing things about the ex during the beginning of our relationship. I explained them away and continued in this toxic relationship for 7 1/2 years. He alternated between euphoria and silent periods. His days were full of turmoil and indecision. I was made to feel like I was crazy and disordered. I was belittled and made fun off, my only offense was that I followed through with everything I said I was going to do. I eventually figured out that he is very disturbed and after the final discard ( there were so many ) I went no contact. You are right, they do not just walk off into the horizon in a joyful was, instead they are tormented by their biggest enemy, their mind.
This really was a great article – hit the nail right on the head. Have been with this narc off/on for l0 yrs. Married for 5 but we don’t live together. If we had – we’d have been divorced within the first 3 mos. I knew he was disturbed – but I grew up with dysfunction ( narc Father) and figured I could handle it. You’re all asking.. why would I want to?
When he was charming – funny – and energetic, he was really a joy to be around. But in the last 2 yrs ( long story), he has been one continuous drama. I don’t care what it is ( Friends, family, work, neighbors, etc.) he will be the must unpleasant, nasty person to be around. He loves drama. I am convinced they do create their own since their insides are so barren.
I particularly found some “closure” in hearing of this anxiety, insecurity, and lack of balance in their lives that follows them everywhere they go. I have been blamed for everything wrong in our relationship, lies he told to turn his entire family against me, and out and out bs that he made up to make himself sound better. Yes, somehow it’s everyone else who is crazy. NEVER them. We are barely speaking right now – he makes no effort to include me in his life – haven’t even seen him in 3 wks. I kept hoping things would improve but that hope has really faded into oblivion.
Best way to describe it IS being on an emotional roller coaster. They enjoy hurting us – it makes them feel ALIVE that they have an effect on someone. They study you. Read your face – expressions – body language and use it against you. They will never trust you and NEVER NEVER NEVER trust them. They will lie at the drop at a hat.
I do feel some sadness for him. It’s a horrible way to live – having no character or connection to anyone/anything. But it’s all they know and they don’t think anything is wrong with them. Until you live with one – it is VERY hard to explain to someone else.
I went from being a hopeful/ happy/excited person to someone who is angry, frustrated, neglected, and used. It never stops. Never.
Why am I still involved with this guy? Classic dysfunction and co dependence. I shouldn’t be asking what’s wrong with him. I should be asking.. what’s wrong with ME?
Please never blame yourself…You’re amazingly <3333
this article is one of the few that have given insights on what a narcissist is on the inside..what makes them do what they do..their thought processes..thank you for writing this piece that will be helpful to people like me who fell in love with someone who i knew right from the start that something wasn’t seemed right..i stayed because i loved this person and i wanted to be there to see the change..but things move backwards as we went along..i felt demeaned and an option..if there were moments of moving forward, rest asured something will go wrong..it was an odd feeling and made wonder why this person would be so fickle minded-undecisive..would lie and some other things written all over the web -that describes people with this disorder..the separation was painful..but thanks to articles like this..it gave me an answer as to why can someone be all that is negative..it is hard to look and see from afar that the person you love can’t get out of this situation..it would not be their normal if change would happen..its been their way of life..all i can say is that what they do- they know..and there are millions of reasons for them to give each time you try and call on them..it’s a no win situation..sad hut true..it is pity more than hate i feel..i know the person i met is a diamond in the rough..a beautiful person inside..trapped..wanting to escape..wanting to settle down and stop the anxiety..but how can they come out if the world out there is a dog eat dog world..my diamond will remain hidden..its sparkle will never be enjoyed by the world..it will remain tucked away in the deepest part of the earth..
First off I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this great blog, I have learned so much, and reading everybody’s comments has made me feel like I’m not alone in going through this horrible experience. I have a question, my ex narcissist never seemed to enjoy anything, he would go ride motorcycles with his friends and put pictures on facebook how wonderful it was, then tell me he didn’t enjoy it at all, would act like he loved his job but told me he hated it, etc. Nothing seemed to really bring him any joy, is this common for narcissists?
Suzie: Yes – their general default setting is miserable. Read my blog entitled Seeking Revenge Against a Narcissist: Know Thine Enemy – there I discuss their general mood settings.
How can you say a True N has a conscience????
Hi Savannah , thank you thank you for this article. For more than a year now I have been raking my brains to find out what went wrong with my husband . I am separated now and been raising my son alone . Honestly , I feel the decision of leaving has saved my sanity and probably mine and my child’s present and future.
What you have explained here fits my narc to a T , add to it his toxic manipulative parents who had constantly belittled him and raised him to believe he exists to supply them with money , hence his child and wife are an undesirable burden to them . bang
I have suffered so much thinking and rethinking what did I do wrong to be cheated on, abused and ignored even when I had just delivered a baby and desperately needed all the support I could get , I got none .
What more , the toxic parents had him convinced that a wife becomes ” damaged goods” after delivering a child ,hence it’s perfectly OK to seek pleasure elsewhere . exactly what a narcissist needs to hear .
The trauma has left deep scars and I know it will take years to heal . but I have a beautiful baby , supportive family and great friends , I think I will survive and soon I will thrive . your article has given me answers I have been seeking so long . thanks again .
I am just fascinated by the fact of the head space of a narcissist. Taking responsibility for nothing, not their actions or anything said to them. They keep defecting all of it back to the victim, making the victim the scape goat. Thank you so much for all the information shared here, I kept reading the arrivals over and over. I didn’t know what I was up against and the spiral of self doubt, depression and hopelessness got worse by the day. I couldn’t take all the lies, verbal abuse, drug abuse, disrespect, the confusion any more. I was loosing myself and deep down inside I knew that I wasn’t The reason. . I did all I could to help this person. Sowed only love, care and repect into this friendship but reaped only pain. I have worked through just about all I could, all I have left is the incredible anger, anger of how can one human treat another human this way. That to shall pass, I am free from him but he will never be free from himself. I have made a purposeful decision that I will choose the truth about myself daily. I am blessed with beautiful honest and genuine friends in my life who supported me thorough this very painful process. To everyone who suffered at the hands of a Narsist, healing is available. Go through the stages of mourning, don’t pay any attention to the leis and opions of the narsisist and what ever you do don’t allow the person back! Blessing
Hi, great site, I thought that this site was meant to provide psychological services but I could not find anything like it. So I guess it’s meant to inform people about different key problems. So unless I’m missing something I can only praise your site.
Dear Savannah or @NarcRepellant I would like to understand a few things.
First: is being narcissistic considered almost uncurable like say borderline personality disorder?
Second: what does it mean that narcissism be a personality disorder? How is it explained?
Third: I didn’t read much about the possible causes of this problem. The fact that a narcissist suffers from a deficient empathy towards others and him/herself and difficulty with intimity, does it mean that they are suffering a strong lack of affect or affective disorder? And if so is it the main cause? I guess there can be many possibility of course but I’m curious to know how you see it.
fourth: are narcissist mainly men, depending on cultural background?
fifth: more delicate question, is narcissism related to homosexuality, or some types of homosexuality. I ask because I have been observing many times this apparent correlation..
Ok I think that’s enough question lol, thank you so much, love
It is a relief to discover site and to learn bout narcissist. I’ve wasted buckets of tears for being emotionally bullied by an N. His favorite punishment is to disappear for not apparent reason (he did this many times) and to return out the blue, acts as if nothing is wrong. Again, he would start to blame/mad at me of the most insignificant matter. At first i thought it was just a scorpio man thing. I am now clear about his insecurity.
You said that a narcissist is not a psychopath and has a conscience. Are you not aware that there are different types of narcissists and many of them are psychopaths and do not have a conscience. Are you not aware that adalf hitler was a narcissist? it is not accurate to say that a narcissist is not a psychopath. It would be accurate to say that not all narcissists are psychopaths. But what you said is simply not true. It is quite fqustrating when people come looking for answers as to why the patological malignant narcissist is so evil and they find an article that starts off with saying that a narc is not a psychopath. I know it sounds like im blaming you but im really just very frustrated that so much attention is given to trying to understand a regular narc but not enough attention is given to helping people understand what is going on in the mind of a malignant narcissist who wants to destroy you just for loving them.
Melissa there are fundamental differences between someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and someone who has Anti-Social Personality Disorder. The DSM 5 holds the criteria that doctors and clinicians use to make their diagnosis. Here are 2 big distinctions it lists between the two:
NPD: a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the
feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to
reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self;
over- or underestimate of own effect on others.
b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to
serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little
genuine interest in others‟ experiences and predominance
of a need for personal gain
ASPD: a.Empathy: Lack of concern for feelings, needs, or
suffering of others; lack of remorse after hurting or
mistreating another.
b.Intimacy: Incapacity for mutually intimate
relationships, as exploitation is a primary means of
relating to others, including by deceit and coercion;
use of dominance or intimidation to control others.
What this tells us is that someone with NPD has an impaired ability to feel empathy – whereas someone with ASPD does not have the capacity to feel empathy – it is lacking, non-existent, not there.
Someone with NPD uses people as a means to regulate their self-esteem. Those with ASPD use people generally to exploit them, take their resources – they don’t care if you like them or not.
These two personality disorders do exist on a scale. You can have a Narcissist who is very low on the empathy scale, but still not match the criteria for ASPD. In truth it can be very difficult to differentiate between the two. To complicate matters further, it is possible to match the DSM-5 criteria for more than one personality disorder. You mentioned Hitler. Though I didn’t know him personally I would estimate that he would likely match the criteria of ASPD having at least 3 of the 7 needed for a diagnosis. I would also say that he matches the criteria for NPD having at least 5 of 9 of the criteria.
I realize when someone has hurt us we sometimes want to paint them with the biggest, thickest evil brush available, who knows maybe the individual you are thinking of does match the criteria for both, but I would say that is more the exception than the rule.
Sam Vaknin speaks about narcissists having something called ‘cold empathy’ which is not the same as real empathy. I witnessed this 1st hand with my narc ex-friend. He would bemoan the death of come celebrity, say someone who had died of an overdose, and even go as far as to seem he was ‘mourning’ over their pain, but he would be absolutely cold and relentlessly callous when it came to me explaining how his actions hurt me (he was a compulsive liar and essentially lied about his entire identity).
In his mind, I needed to ‘get over it’ b/c it was my fault I was hurting–he had no responsibility whatsoever in his mind. Yet these celebs who OD’d he somehow convinced himself they were victims of the culture.
He could fake this ‘cold empathy’ for a celebrity or a cause b/c there is no emotional attachment or expectation from either, where as I expected things from him and hence his cruel treatment. He really could be like a block of ice.
I’ve also known narcs who championed liberal rights and were against the oppression of minorities or women, only to then use women as dishrags. The Somatic I knew was like this–wanted to prop himself up as a ‘good person’ publicly, had all sorts of social justice posts on his FB page, but that was the extent of it.
In private if you were a woman he targeted he was manipulative, cold and mechanical when it was time for your discard. Women were just devices to boost his ego and seek pleasure from.
My narc friend would be the 1st to admit how men manipulate and mistreat women yet he couldn’t see the contradiction re: his own actions and how they pertained to me.
Lola I try to deal with facts on my website. The DSM-4 nor the DSM-5 describe cold empathy. It discusses an impaired ability to feel empathy, whatever that may entail. Sam Vaknin (while much of his writings are on the mark) is not a psychologist nor is he even a doctor. I am not going to slander the man, but I do not take his writing as factual or gospel. He is a self-proclaimed Narcissist and as someone who suffers from the impairment I wonder in some respects if you can describe something like empathy if your ability to experience it is impaired. If I am color blind how can I describe the color red if I have never seen it. There is a documentary on Sam Vaknin which explains the man, the myth and the ledgend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKvhKI6Kxew&list=PLhatq5tk7ipIq-_kWt7KhDWs6qN7Xi0D0
In this documentary they call him a psychopath, likely for viewers or for the title – he claims he is both a psychopath and a narcissist. I believe he is a Narcissist period, but you will really understand the man once you’ve seen it.
Savannah,
Do you believe a narcissist can benefit from schema mode therapy?
Thanks,
Chris
I do. It goes in tandem with the theory that the amygdala in narcissists is functioning inadequately with certain stimulus. I don’t know if it’s the entire picture, but it might be part of it.
I left a man last November after two years with him. In that time I went from optimistic and upbeat to depressed and doubting my own sanity. I left the relationship and beat myself up constantly for not trying harder and being a better partner. The guy had broken me through witholding love and affection, being disrespectful, putting himself first at all times, lying on occasions and being physically abusive on a few occasions. He blamed me for his behavior – and I believed him. To help myself move on, I started seeing a counselor. I was familiar with the term narcissism, but had not read up too much on it. I started to read online information, found something called cerebral narcissism – and low and behold, there was my ex partner! Light bulbs went on, realization dawned, and the door to freedom opened to stop blaming myself for the relationship not working out. The guy was/is a classic in many ways – very high IQ level, presents himself as a consummate professional in his career, could manipulate like the best of them, and was an expert in having me doubt myself. In many ways he was handing all of this information to me early on – said he lacked empathy, people had referred to him as cold, that his IQ level was so high that he simply viewed intimate relations as a bodily function, nothing more. Yet, I didn’t have the knowledge to join the dots. He viewed himself as more intelligent than others, put me down frequently, had angry outbursts and had no concern for my well being or relationship needs. I did eventually report him to the police for the physical abuse. On the first occasion I told him I was going to do that, he threw me out of his house with nowhere to go – I did go back (yes, like a fool!), under the auspices that he was doing me a favor and that his family would judge him poorly for taking such a dreadful girlfriend back. On the next occasion, after I left, when I finally went to the police about him he lied his ass off and reported me for harassment. I went to his recently asking for acknowledgement and apology to help me move on from the relationship abuse. He contacted the police again and tried to have them charge me – they didn’t.
Lessons I’ve learned from this:-
– Never endeavor to gain apology or recognition from a narcissist – truly will never happen, and in a worst case scenario they will ruin your reputation to protect themselves, even to the extent of having your arrested.
– They break you down, but will not be part of your building up again – you’re left with the damage, so only you can sort this out. Going to a counselor is great – they put it in perspective and give you the words and terminology to explain what previously you may have considered was only in your imagination. You know the person you’re with is not right, but they are good at convincing you that you’re crazy. A counselor will help you determine otherwise.
– Narcissists tend to target people they view will be of use to them, are subordinate, will make them look better, or help them fill the void inside them. Sort out for yourself why you were an easy target. I come from a background of narcissistic parenting. If you come from that background you probably are unfamiliar with what it is to be properly loved and cared for, so don’t beat yourself up for ending up in that kind of relationship. Someone else laid the groundwork – your narcissistic ex/partner just picked up where someone else left off.
What this article states is that individuals with narcissism are suffering in themselves rings true for my ex – he has severe depression, is manic at times, has suicidal ideation, severe OCD, loads of phobias and goes through relationships that continually fail, and each woman has walked away from him. Although my time with him destroyed me, I can still recognise he is a man suffering in himself and is the way he is because something in his early childhood possibly made him that way. Given the choice, I’m sure he would not be narcissistic, but that’s his bat to deal with, no longer mine.
I have been reading all these threads and I can relate to them! Thank you all for sharing. It has helped me thru this break up with a Narcissist. It’s been over a month and it’s really hard. It ended really horribly, he was verbally abusive and manipulating putting the blame on me as if I ws a scapegoat for his psychotic behavior. in the beginning I didn’t feel right about it, he was so surfacy about his emotions I couldn’t really figure out how he really felt. And we didn’t say I love you until 6 months into the relationship. He had major mood swings and had these outbursts. His temper and anger would change from 0-100 in a split second he’d change. I felt like he was jeckle and hyde, and he would project to me that he didn’t know who I was! Turn it around and say that I make mountains out of mullhills. I was so confused. He would also talk about being your own ‘representative’. I now know what he meant. After a year dating his behavior got worse and I realized that he couldn’t hide his true self anymore, his representative he could not longer obtain and I wittnessed this demon, his true colors and it was bad. When I finally caught onto his lies and called him out and diminished his facade the reality kicked in and he can no longer live in this fantasy world. he used to fabricate his stories in the beginning I thought he was charming and loved all the stories and he was really fun but when it got serious it was too much for him. When it got bad it was bad. The bad outweighed the good and I am glad I got out of it. I’ve tried taking him to therapy and to look at himself to see what happened to his childhood but he never answered, he would ignore my question and said my therapist didn’t know what she was talking about. My self-esteem is getting better as time goes by and my therapist is helping. If it wasn’t for her i’d probably go back to him. Dating a Narc is so unhealthy and I feel sorry for them. I don’t think they will ever find happiness unless they are willing to get help. But it’s not my problem anymore I need to get on with my life focus on me and make myslef better. I have learned from this experience that with the next guy if there’s a sign, I will know all the red flags and run! Anyone going thru this I feel for you and it’s tough but this will make you stronger in the end. A big lesson learned on my part.
Hello, I’ve had perhaps quite a twist on the term narcissistic relationship—as it also involved a man from another culture–that from the Middle East. I had already an interest in Arabic and met him at a Mediterranean restaurant and within five minutes he was already treating me with what I perceived to be very high level of charm and attention–I was quite bowled over and flattered. I never attracted guys like this and he was so handsome and charming—and I had been hoping to meet someone like him (so I thought)—I felt it was as if destiny had brought us together–we were almost the same age to the day and it was like love at first sight! He told me he was divorced and had been in America for about a year. He was well respected at his job and indeed was the manager and seemed to be an ambitious, focused man looking to start a new life in America. He treated me as if we were married already and indeed we married within a very short time—of course, I too, laughed at the speed and had never been prone to such leaps of faith but, it felt like magic (back in those early days). We were living a dream and so happy, then 2 months after we married, I was struck with stage 4 cancer and he stood by me and helped my family care for me, taking me to treatments and rushing to the hospital every night to visit me. During this time, he received his Green card from our marriage. He had been away from his family a long while–almost a year and a half, and he had done so much for me—and it was a real coincidence that one of my surgery dates landed on a previously scheduled departure date for him to travel back to the Middle East. He returned two weeks later and was as concerned and loving as ever, but I started to notice a distancing—over time, his case began to have troubles, in the early part of our marriage, we spent all our time together, but now, he was gloomy (over the frustration of his case) and needed a lot of time alone, his parents came to America to visit and help me with a final reconstructive surgery from cancer issues and they were so loving and I loved them—in fact, his whole huge family in his country was concerned and genuinely loving people, I held his son to my heart as my own–I became enmeshed in his culture, his goals, and the promise of a big loving family surrounding me. The immigration case ran into more snags…and his frustration grew–then he began to suggest that he might return to his country permanently, that the stress was too much, I was devastated, and he quickly comforted me and told me he would never leave and he loved me forever. I loved him so much and was very giving in my efforts to help his life. Months passed and the case faltered again—-and news from immigration surfaced that he was STILL married to his first wife in his country. He swore up and down at the injustice and by Allah, here is the divorce paper! “I am always unlucky!” We switched lawyers and he had his father get a correction of his divorce–“oh! it was the oppression in his country that caused this error!” I flew to Washington to hand deliver the request to be sent to his father–directly to the Palestinian embassy—-quickly the divorce paper was received back to us–and we submitted it to immigration—I felt that I was fighting for him, his future, our future, his sons’ future…his family loved me as one of them. Long months passed and another rejection from immigration—at this time, my grandmother died–and on the day after she died, my husband said to me, “I’m sorry to make you mad or sad, but I’ve decided to return to Palestine.” I collapsed in grief—but we both thought he was headed to deportation anyway—-so on the day prior to me starting a new job, he left—I drove him myself to the airport and said goodbye to my husband of 5 years that had been with me through cancer, that I loved more than any man. I was devastated and suddenly my world was bleakly lonely. He had helped me move and seemed so full of energy–the energy of the “new path” of the Narcissist. He swore over and over again that he would always love me and he would see me again. He called me everyday, but only for maybe 5 minutes, and it was always difficult to reach him–being in a country with no Wifi—I missed him terribly—three months after he left, his uncle broke the news to me that my husband had RETURNED to his first wife! I was so sick I couldn’t got to work–he had been calling everyday and I was so naive. I confronted him on this issue–and he told me “You can accept it, you can accept it!” I am Muslim and it is allowed. If you don’t want to accept it it’s up to you.” I struggled with trying to cut him off but he kept calling and the loneliness was almost unbearable. His family supported me and encouraged me. I then found out and put all the pieces together that he had lied to me in the beginning and had a fake divorce and all those times that he was away visiting his family, even when I was suffering from cancer, he was with his first wife of 23 years. He encouraged me to come and visit him in Palestine and because I still was so attached to him and had made bonds with his family and loved his younger son as my son, I put my hurt aside and told myself, it was worth the pain. And so, I went to Palestine 8 months after he had left and met his family, met his first wife who naturally treated me like an intruder into her life. I was so overwhelmed by seeing him in his life there, his long and deep life with her, saw some of the things we had had in our home in America there now–in HER home. Photos that I had taken of him on special occasions there in THEIR bedroom. It was all so surreal. I felt suddenly that I had been the only one in the family living in a fantasy. I realized his whole family had known but, I, the sweet American, had been duped. His family and especially his sisters were so compassionate and told me how they did not approve of their brother actions—I could feel the conflict that they felt and they did feel sorry for me. In the weeks that I stayed, I felt no happiness being overshadowed by the “real wife” who make it her business to show me that this was HER husband—but I thrived in the arms of the extended family away from my husband and his first wife. That did make the trip worthwhile. I had never been part of such a large family with many sisters, children and extended relatives. I loved my time with them. But the pain from my husband continued after my return to the States. The loneliness returned with a vengeance now that I had met everyone. He continued to call and said, “I will help you still…don’t worry.” But, over time, there was always an excuse, and over time a new “normal” developed–I became like his “free marriage” and he was never responsible to me–of course, he was responsible to his first wife, but, I, an American lady with a job, he said, “You have better luck than I!” And so, I continued to accept this and he called daily to reassure me he loved me and we would be together. He continues to this day promising things to me—I became stuck in a relationship that was almost parasitical—draining me daily and giving nothing in return–only words, promises, but I also had to deal with sudden offline status, no way to reach him when he was home with his wife, the months continued, I could not focus, always checking to see when he had answered my messages. I would try to pull away countless times and he would entrap me again—encouraging me to be patient, that I had a big family waiting for me and a husband who loved me. I felt very trapped in the mental prison constructed by overseas calls and ideas of my life so suddenly different if I lived there—I could not go soon, as I had debts to pay for my medical treatment and my retirement that I didn’t want to lose–but was years away. It was very hard to think of the time that I must endure alone, but he encouraged me but at the same time, he didn’t seem to suffer my absence though he pledged total devotion to me. I finally decided the whole situation was slowly eroding any happiness for me, having not being able to be present in my own life in America, not appreciating the possibilities of my life that I had here and now. I was always thinking of what I was missing not being with his family—and they were all together, I was alone. They told me how much they missed me, yet I always felt forgotten. It was destroying my life. I decided to break with all of them and am building my discipline to break with my husband who still expects that I will weaken and come back to him, the carrot of the big family waiting for me–it is an illusion—he cannot provide a home for me, he has little income, if I would go, I would find myself in the cycle of the Narcissist again–and my only hope would be to cling to the family. But I never needed that before I had met him. Now, I am taking steps to reclaim myself. The person I was on the day before I met him. I miss her more than anyone.
Cee I am a huge advocate for women’s rights in Middle Eastern culture. I’ve written on it in other publications and just this month I had an article appear in the July issue of Complete Well-Being Magazine which is published in India. What you are referring to here is called Cultural Narcissism. I can’t get into too much detail here but I believe Islam teaches men to behave like Narcissists do, while at the same time they oppress women from childhood to break them and have them believe that that kind of behavior is normal and should be accepted by women. It’s so frustrating to me to watch such cruelty continue and call it religion. I hope to keep writing for Middle Eastern publications with the hope that the women of this culture realize the fallacy behind it and to rise up and unite – demanding change and reform to women’s rights in that part of the world.
As for your situation – get out of it. Let it go – change your phone number and don’t bother with him any more – you’re not going to win that fight. Be done with him and move on.
Cee–
My friend’s mother went through the same thing as you. She married a Palestinian and lived in the US with him for several decades. She is American and had 2 kids with him, one of whom is my friend.
He left the US back in ’05 and then it came to be known that he had a separate wife and family there. He has since moved there and lives as though he never knew his 2 daughters living in the States, much less his wife.
My friend has cut ties with him since but as far as she knows, her mother still talks to him and has not bothered to date or move on at all, which is sad.
I’ve seen too many examples of this from Muslim men who simply don’t regard women on the same plane as they. We are beneath them, in their eyes. For this cultural reason, I would be very reluctant to ever have a relationship with a Muslim man.
I also had an aunt who married a Muslim from Jordan and he too wanted to go back to his native country, but then ended up staying in the US after he divorced my aunt and married another woman. Who knows what his motives were but women are simply not treated with dignity and respect in their eyes.
One tbing i wondered, Savannah, when reading your originsl post on this subject, is whether the amygdala is temporarily affected in those of us who have been with narcissists? Since my experience with a narcissist 10 years ago and my subsequent awareness of narcissistic parents, family members snd even friends, my emotions have never been the same. Despite my many efforts at healing. I want peace and balance in my life and work toward achieving them, But often feel more unbalanced than before knowing all tbis.
JF
Janet check out my posts on codependence. You’ll find your answers there.
I am so thankful that I stumbled across this website today! Reading your posts completely validates everything I’ve been thinking lately. I will have 5 years into this relationship soon and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions. I’m too sensitive, crazy, ridiculous, etc…
N’s are soooo good at what they do, and this one sucked me in from day one. I want a divorce, but can’t seem to make anything happen. Reading that others have had the same problem helps me so much. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and thanks Savannah for your blog!
THX 4 YOUR POSTS,MARRIED TO A NARCISSTIC THAT HAS BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS BLOOD SISTER(SEXUALLY & EMOTIONALLY FOR OVER 30 YEARS I WAS DEVASTED TO JUST FIND OUT.I’VE BEEN LEFT HIM THOUGH…A NASTY SUPPLIER
I found this website months ago and I’m forever grateful. When you really realize what’s going on, it really makes you question all of the lop sided relationships you’ve been in both romantically or non. If you’re still looking to “fix” your narcissist or have hope they will change, I strongly suggest you find the nearest co-dependent support group and don’t enter into any relationships! These people are joy killers, dream crushers, haters to the 10th power!! The biggest con artists that you’ll ever encounter. People who don’t see the unhealthy traits these people have, is more often than not co-dependent. I realized this within myself so I totally get it. With my boomerang relationship I’ve realized more about myself than ever. I can be mad at him, but he looks in the mirror DAILY and says, “F**k my life because it suck!” You’ll almost never hear them verbally say this, it will all be in their actions. Their mission is to make you feel as bad about your life as they do theirs. The sooner you realize this, the better. In my experience, the writing has always been on the wall, I chose to not read it and write what I wanted to be true. Understand you’re sole purpose is to make their lives better because they don’t have the capacity on their own. No one deserves to be abused, but when you KNOW you are being abused and you choose to stay, then you have to assume all responsibility for what you receive from this person. You’re not “asking for it” intentionally, but your subconscious is definitely saying you deserve it. Stand up and take what you deserve which is respect, love and peace.
Today, as I was driving home, I heard a sing on the radio that hit me so intensly that I had to pull over. It was as if the recording artist was describing their relationship with a narcissist. Its called: Dead Inside by MUSE…here is the YouTube link:
http://youtu.be/aTcJWhmdzpg
I know that my ex will most likely still be in a very bad way, mentally. Likely he’ll be telling people, over and over again, about how the relationship went wrong, about how closed minded I was, about how I was cheating on him and telling lies about him – none of which is true, of course. How do I know this? I know it because this is how he carried on over his previous ex. THAT HORRIBLE WOMAN! Cheating on him, getting money off him – oh how I sympathised. Since he has gone I see it clearly, of course. Luckily, right at the start, someone told me that he and this woman were forever splitting up and getting back together again. I thought I could heal him – show him how loving a woman can be. He left me 7 times over 2 years. He treated me just like he treated her. I already caught him changing his story about her once. So I would guess a lot of what he says about her is lies. And I am sure he’s doing the same about me.
I know he will be very unhappy and will be saying it’s “about the break up.” It isn’t though. There is a mass of rage and pain inside him which is nothing to do with me or any lover (or friend: they are treated the same). Really I didn’t exist for him. I was just the latest blank screen for him to project on to.
If he had loved me as I loved him, he would have been too scared of losing me to stage all those walk-outs. He would have done everything to keep us together. No. I was convenient, I was comforting, I was someone to listen to him – but love? No. Something like a favourite armchair which gets worn out beyond repair, and then you dump it.
I wish these feelings of mine would go away. I don’t want to care about him this much. I don’t want to feel so destroyed by him.
Thank you again Savannah and to everyone for your thoughtful comments — very meaningful and empowering! Truly helps me believe that I’m not crazy. I loved this part of your blog, “Even though it looks like your Narcissist has trotted off into the sunset and you keep thinking that he’s happier with his new partner, remember that these things just don’t go away once they’ve left you. Yes they tried to make everything your fault, but by God don’t believe them. All of these problems still exist inside of them, regardless of who they’re with.”
My ex husband has a new girlfriend. I am struggling with jealousy and feelings of rejection but those words feel like a mantra to me – they are helping me maintain a healthy perspective.
He wouldnt be my ex except that I wouldn’t relent on him dealing with his own emotional issues before we could reconcile, and of course, he chose to leave instead (and naturally he blames me).
That new girl is just his next victim I’m afraid. It’s still all so tragic. There is good these abused, wounded, deluded, self-protecting people – a shame they can’t battle these demons and find the light.
Lynn, I too, suffer seeing my ex with his new GF. He moved only a few miles down the road, so I see EVERY aspect of his new life. He has a very serious relationship with her –she is there ALL the time, he introduced her to all his friends, and I even saw her at my father in laws house! This, of course, makes me feel horrible–I have been replaced in just a few months time ( although I KNOW he was seeing her while we were married). HOWEVER–whenever I mention or question him about their relationship–he DOWNPLAYS IT!He says that it’s “not what you think”. The poor thing is already being diminished & denied !!!
I am so thankful that I stumbled upon this website recently. I had no idea I was even in this type of relationship. all I knew is that for the past 6 months ive been asking myself what is wrong with me why cant I get over this person who did nothing for me but put me down and make it seem like everything was my fault. but now I know. he was my drug. I would do anything to get it. Everything ive read in these articles is exactly the relationship ive lived for the last 3 years. now I know why I feel this way, like im some crazy person. still wanting my N even though he has a new girl and has discarded me like a dirt. I cant tell you how much ive learned and how this site has helped me put things in perspective. I do feel sorry for this new woman because she has no idea what shes gotten herself into. but I cant help her just like no one could have helped me. I would have done anything to be with my N and nothing any family member or friend said would have made any difference. they know how to keep you around until you don’t feed their ego and they need to move on. but even then they will contact you just to make sure you still love them even though they don’t want you anymore. I could sit here and type for hours. I am so happy I finally found the answers to whats been happening to me for 3 years. I absolutely had no idea this type of relationship exsisted. but like the woman after me, I was once that woman and the woman before me could have taken a lie detector test to prove to me she was telling he truth about him and I still wouldn’t have cared, nor believed her or the clear hard facts in front of my face. I was the addict and he was my drug. NC is what im working on now to be rid of this once and for all. I am finally looking toward recovering from all the emotional abuse ive endured. thank you . vicki
Another important point to remember when it comes to going NC is getting all their toxic rationalizations out from your head. Before I went NC with my N I would argue in my head back and forth constantly. There was just so much chatter. Going NC allows you literally a peace of mind. You stop caring about their rationalizations, justifications, excuses, etc. and instead you push all that aside and are forced to think about what works for you, what you want.
This website helps me whenever I feel that slight sensation of tenderness towards them–it helps me to remember I am worthy of more than what they’ve offered and that going back to the same patterns would be a betrayal to myself. They’re not worth it. They’re not worth me. I am too good for them.
Learning to love myself was a hard thing but I am much better at it now and I am able to walk away and say, “What you’re doing…and how you’re acting…is just not good enough.”
If it’s not good enough then it really is not good enough. They give you the clues over and over. We just have to learn not to ignore them.
The N’s I’ve dealt with have been pretty transparent, retrospectively. It’s just in the moment I chose to overlook it.
Needed to hear exactly this right now. Thank you!
I am not crazy, I am codependent! I am not the only one who is learning who a Narc is. Thank you all of you who open their hearts and souls so other people can see that they are not the only one and that there is a pattern to all this craziness! Seems to me now that the whole world is nothing but codependents and narcs. I see dysfunctions whatever way I turn. Is there any normal marriages? Is there any non-toxic parents? Are there any non-affected, healthy kids anymore? Yeah, I know there are? I know there is more good than bad in this world, otherwise we would all be gone, Narcs and all.
Thank you again for such a great article! Wonderful reminder of that appearance of happy with the other woman they portray so well. This is a difficult one (after over 20 years of marriage) because they spend so much time tearing you down and trying to make you believe that everything is your fault. So there is that self doubt of what if it really was me? So you look internally for answers, there are things we put up with and try to make sense of in the “crazy making” and we do make mistakes however there is a huge difference in admitting a mistake and placing blame. My ex narc/P was so good at twisting and trying to make me feel like a mistake was intentional to hurt him, because he was projecting what he was doing. SU so true they have to control everything and will let you know everything they think you are doing wrong. They lie, cheat, steal and it’s never their fault, they have some justification how something was owed to them somehow? NC is the only way because as long as they have us to project and blame and do the nice evil cycle with the OW will get the nice, we go NC they have to take it out somewhere as Savannah said they can only do “normal” for so long. I pray for all the people with Narcs to have clarity and get away!
Good thoughts Blossom. The narc always needs to blame someone else for his/her negative thoughts, feelings and actions. Why- because the narc has to maintain the delusion of their false self: that they are perfect, good, normal, superior and without fault. Admitting fault deflates the air from their puffed up, fragile sense of self. A narc never apologizes sincerely- never. Narcs are experts, from a young age, at detecting people’s mistakes and weaknesses which they use as the reason to act inappropriately and abusively. They are skilled at convincing themselves, the abused and others that their abusive behavior is justified because the abused did this one thing wrong or is imperfect. I’ve read about this from advocates for the abused and they say this: you may make a mistake or be flawed, because no one is perfect, but it never justifies someone mistreating you, threatening you, constantly bringing up the mistake after it has been apologized for, shaming or slandering you to others, etc. Healthy people own their own stuff and let others own theirs- narcs cannot do this.
Is there ever a time to let the “next woman” know who she’s getting involved with?
@Rowboat — No, not really. While it’s admirable that you want to warn the next woman, she is not going to listen. Would you have listened had your ex Narc’s former girlfriend or wife warned you to not date him? No, you wouldn’t have.
And because your ex is Narc, this will backfire on you, despite you being well-meaning and having good intentions. You will be labeled as jealous, possessive and crazy. It will also let your ex know that you are still thinking about it.
Just don’t. As sad as it is, his new girlfriend will have to learn her own lesson on her own time.
Maybe point her towards educating herself on narcism? Sometimes planting a seed, could help her immensely in the future…
Excellent posts and amazing comments. For me, the hardest part is the phase where you are still emotionally attached to the narc or abuser and then angry. It feels like they have power over you because they have impacted your emotions severely and because emotions need time to heal you are stuck feeling like they are strong and in control for awhile. At this time I knew intellectually they were suffering internally but I didn’t feel it or really believe it in any deep sense. When I eventually got over the attachment and anger I was able to see to see their suffering and weakness more clearly because the illusion of their power in my life was gone. But after this phase I found that I struggled and still struggle a bit with envy towards one of the narcs who has a lot of strengths I admire. She was very good at hiding (especially to herself) her weaknesses. She wields a lot of power over her external environment and is very successful. One of the things this post & comments motivated me to do is to work on rooting out this envy, that goes deep into my childhood and the insecurities I felt then. One thing I need to remind myself of is that just because someone wields power externally, it’s no indication that they have internal control, in fact, abusers and narcs are powerless over their dysfunctional minds. They can’t choose to grow psychologically past their dysfunctional beliefs, to love, have insight or peace like someone who is free. Perhaps that’s one reason why they so desperately need to exercise control and power over their external environment.
You have provided a lot of good information and support on this site. It’s true these Narcs will likely never change, and if they do change their behavior they simply become like dry drunks.
The best thing I did after discovering I had been in a Narc/codependent relationship from age 20-35 (now I’m 40), was to stop thinking about him and his problems all together. They are problems with no solutions and that’s exactly how he is comfortable. He will take credit for all your success while he sits on the couch, and blame you 100% for anything that goes wrong. My ex husband says I became a successful business person only because I was married to him and he was “good luck”. Lol so ridiculous. He cannot accept any responsibility whatsoever and no words will ever get thru to him. If they do, it’s likey he is just using that as a facade to manipulate you into giving up something else.
I know that the relationship was a salve for me to escape the pain of focusing on myself.
Focusing on myself feels good now and it’s way more rewarding.
I recently found another Narc (of a different sort), but am getting away in my own way now. It came as a surprise that I ended up with another one, but it was a wake up call that I needed. I am in recovery.
Focusing on the psychological issues that he has only makes me feel more pity for him and the desire to fix the problems.
There is no fixing someone else’s head.
Fix your own head every day and soon the Narc personality will become repellent. They truly are cursed, and if you’re an empathetic person, emotions are contagious. surround yourself with people whose emotions you WANT to catch… The Narc will only project his negative emotions on you until the point comes that you don’t know yourself at all.
I had back to back experiences with N’s before I even knew anything about the disorder. One was a many year friendship and I didn’t know what his problem was. I thought it was passive aggression. Although he is passive aggressive I came to learn he had told me so many lies about himself to the point that I had to go NC. I had no choice since I felt the betrayal too great.
I also hated how he seemed to treat everyone else better than he treated me. Cutting off that “friendship” was very painful, especially since in the beginning he was very supportive of me and I wanted that support back. I came to see that the person he really was wasn’t someone I liked even remotely. He was very shallow and indulging in things that he used to make fun of to me, but then would deny these shallow things meant anything, even though he spent all his time on them.
He always said how he couldn’t trust me to really tell me about himself so I spent many years and energy trying to “win that trust” or “prove I was worthy” which never came. Why he didn’t trust me: he never gave a reason, just dangled promises and crumbs of affection here and there, all the while keeping me shut from his life. Our friendship became insular and isolated. For years I kept wondering why he’d bother keeping someone around that he didn’t “trust” and I thought that maybe that was because he did “care” but didn’t know how to show it but now I realize it was the supply I gave him–I made him feel important by all the attention.
Even after I came to learn of his lies, initially I was pathetically thinking I’d “prove” to him that all that time I WAS worthy of his trust, that he’d been mistaken, but I was crying everyday for 2-3 hrs and the hurt was just too great. Finally I raged and went NC.
He still follows me online, even though I have blocked him. (I refuse to look him up due to the hurt it would cause me but since he doesn’t hurt like I do he is still able to snoop about.) What amazes me is how they can’t see how their actions affect others, or when you tell them, “hey, this hurts,” their response is “too bad” since they’re needs come first. Anytime I would get upset the N would always blame me for being “too sensitive” as though being hurt was my problem. While there is such a thing as being too sensitive in some cases, this wasn’t one of them because who wouldn’t be hurt by endless lies and being isolated?
One of the things that angered me was how different they treat their “friends” from those they discard. Do all these people really think they’re so “great”? It’s like you just want to announce to them that this guy is a giant a-hole, but that would only be more supply, so we’re just left picking up the pieces. I’m almost a year now NC from my friendship N and admittedly, even though I am better now I still think of him and miss how he was in his initial phase.It’s not easy learning that the person you cared for was all a facade.
A year ago, I called my long distance N to end it. I told him I had unfriended him on FB again (I had done it months earlier as there were gushing posts from another stupid woman/harem member with a big mouth he had taken out). I couldn’t stand another woman’s constant flirtatious posts. She is someone I knew from the old days, is married and he told me that she was going to visit him for a week. He condescendingly said that I should be online or trying to meet guys through one of my social clubs, but that he’d still “see” me when he came to visit. I asked him if he didn’t understand why I was upset about her coming to visit and he started backpedaling and said “I don’t think she’s coming out now, due to money.” I told him that no woman would be OK with another woman visiting him, especially one she knew! He sullenly said “I don’t want anyone that’s going to be jealous.” After this, for a few weeks on FB, mutual friends told me he posted morose things like “I’ll be alone forever,” “can’t find a good woman” etc. Guess he realized he lost a good source of supply!
I really enjoy reading your material. It is so helpful in understanding the mind of a Narcissist.
Savannah so eloquently states the mind of the Narc and the psychological damage they inflict on their victims. While it is hard to think a Narc has a conscience or has empathy, Grey makes a good point about how hurt they are by rejection, perceived or real. The Narc I know was very hurt by the rejection of his victim without the realization of the damage he caused her. You stand there and want to say ” Ah, dude, your recollection of what happened is overly skewed”….Savannah is right, if you entered their world and mind, you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy….it really sucks to be them….
Thanks for giving a deeper insight to the narcisst inner world! I love to read and get confirmed in my sense that they don’t feel as secure as they pretend to be :-)))
Jane–I often feel just like you do. That my husband lives to torture me…he also allows his girlfriend (one of them) to post pictures online of lavish gifts (cars, accessories, clothing) that he’s bought her, knowing I will look and ultimately, fly off the handle about it. Especially since we have a 3 year old daughter who he pays zero child support for…. Now I have stopped looking, and it has made a WORLD of difference in every aspect of my life. She will be no different. She is shiny and pretty for now…. That will change. And I have to remember, he probably brought me into the middle of a relationship of his once, and that woman probably hates me for it. We were all that shiny new toy once. She will walk a mile in our shoes one day. Maybe years from now, but none of us are getting any younger. I’m just hrateful that I got my beautiful daughter out of this, and there is nothing she could possibly flaunt that outvalues my baby girl. She can have him and all of his mess!
Savannah, you are by far the best of all the narcissist Web sites I have followed. You really hit home exactly the way things are. I am still in the middle of a very ugly divorce from my narc of 17 years. Yes of course he has moved on and that woman who is 23 years younger then him and 3 kids live in my home. The pain at times has been so excruciating. I was in such a dark place. Today is my birthday. So the OW posted on her website the beautiful diamond earrings he gave her with entwined hearts. He allows her to do it. He lives to torture me. But you helped me and I reread your articles. Thank you.
I have been having such a hard time after finding out my N (who I cut all contact off with almost 3 year ago) had another girlfriend for almost 5 of the 9 years that we were supposedly together. My story is much too long to write everything but I’m still in shock at the things I’ve learned since I stopped contact with him. I happened to find this site by trying to find articles about dealing with hurt and betrayal…..and amazingly, I found this site just in the time I needed it. I only wish I had known about this site about 9 years ago because maybe I would have seen the light back then (probably not because I was taken by his charm). I’ve learned so much from Savannah’s articles and just reading everyone’s comments has made me feel less alone and shell shocked about everything. Even though it’s been almost 3 years with no contact, the things I have recenlty learned about my N has hurt me beyond anything I can explain — thank God for this site. Please keep writing Savannah because your insight and information has helped me deal with my pain and has made me feel not so alone through this journey. I thought my hurt was behind me once I cut all contact with him but unfortunately a whole new set of hurt opened up when I found out information I had no clue about when we were together. Please keep writing these articles and thank you so much for your help and wisdom.
Savannah, you do a remarkable job in being able to put into words everything those of us who’ve had marriages or relationships with Narcs experience mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually & financially. I receive a lot of benefit from your posts, and appreciate all the effort you put into this web site.
While you say Narcs are not psychopaths, I would debate that they are pathological in their behavior; in other words, while they may or may not be criminals, their behavior is predictable & most importantly, unchanging.
I would also temper your statement above that Narcs “do have a conscious” to “if they do have a conscious, it’s limited in its capacity for empathy.”
One of the best descriptions I’ve come across describing people with pathological Cluster B personality disorders – in which Narcissistic Personality Disorder is categorized – states that these people:
1. Are unable to sustain permanent, positive change (In fact, their brains are hard-wired against change.)
2. Are unable to grow to any authentic emotional or spiritual depth
3. Are unable to develop deep insight about their negative behavior affects others
I think it’s really important for all of us who’ve been with Narcs to remember that they DO NOT change. My 10-year marriage to my Narc had no hope of success or survival because of his narcissism and all the limitations it brought to our relationship. While he’s been living with his current girlfriend for the last 18 months, she’ll begin to see the signs of his disorder, if she hasn’t already. It’s a matter of when, not if. The question is how much is she willing to endure to be in a relationship (infidelity, gas lighting, devaluation, etc.) & have the opportunity to play step-mom to our children. (She’s physically unable to have her own.)
I remember him always presenting a much rosier picture to other people regarding everything in his life. Knowing that helps me center my perspective when I have to see him at one of our kids’ events. He was limited & broken long before I met him…and he’ll continue to be that person with everyone else that comes after.
DodgedABullet I agree with much of what you say and in fact did have a detailed description of the differences between Narcissists and Psychopaths ie one has impaired abilities to feel empathy and one feels none at all, but due to spacial restrictions I had to edit it out. Not all psychopaths are criminals, but you’re right if you are waiting around for your Narcissist to change, you’re in for a long wait.
Today’s blog really helped me out—it was just what I needed to read rhis morning when I woke up. Like another post says, I also go through the questions constantly…. What makes her better? What does she do that I did not? I envision them laughing and doing the “happy” things that we dos together…. But I’ve also started to realize that these questions hurt a little bit less every day I have zero contact with him. I continue to remind myself that the “happy” memories were always tarnished with ugliness. And they were. Now, I see that eventually each relationship with him will end just as ugly and nasty as the one before. He won’t “suddenly” change because he’s met his match. She doesn’t exist and I know that. She is something for now to fill his emptiness, his void. She will be replaced once she starts snooping around and uncovers who he really is. It’s a dark road, and I’m still partially on it. But now I’m seeing the sunlight through the clouds. I used to wake up to a beautiful day outside, get in my car, and ask myself, “why can’t I wake up to this gorgeous day and feel the beauty in it? Like everyone else can…” I’m starting to now. And I’m so grateful to have this blog to help answer some of the questions I’ve had. It makes me feel less of a victim, and like more of a fighter, that FINALLY someone out there knows EXACTLY how I feel, and have felt.
I’m still in a horrible 12 marriage to one, but can’t leave because he has proven he’ll fight dirty in regards to the kids – so I stay so they won’t be hurt (more than they already are by him). When he and I first got together, he told me the story of his first wife and how she “destroyed him and broke his heart”. He told me she left him after 5 months of marriage and took him for everything. I couldn’t believe how anyone could leave him and hurt him like this…this amazing, attractive, successful, sexy man. For years I thought she was probably just a gold-digging jerk. Nope…like you, I realize now that she respected and stood up for herself. It only took her 5 months to see what it’s taken me over a decade to discover. And she didn’t take him for anything. He’s the worst money manager in the world. Spend every penny you get when you get it and look important and rich in the eyes of strangers while your family sits at home and starves. If she took money out of their account, it was hers, because I know sure as I know my face in the mirror that he sure as hell didn’t have a cent to his name. I know this sounds childish and like a foot-stomping temper tantrum, but I hope he hurts inside himself. He never shows it…he hurts me enough on a daily basis that I can only hope that somewhere deep inside he’s miserable.
Wow this article was amazing! I am divorcing my N after 25years of marriage. I found out in August that he was cheating with a woman that open & closed our pool. She is married & doesn’t want a divorce & her husband is either involved in this sick sex party or doesn’t care.(He is aware of it though) I left my husband even though he begged me to stay. My emotional bank account was empty. I always felt like something was not quite right. Also he treated me disrespectfully. He denies anything happened & says he hates me for what I did to us. I knew he was a jerk but naively thought he would never cheat on me. During this 9 months I have been trying to figure out what was going on in his mind & was I really to blame. NO! This is on him. I moved into a new house this weekend & am so happy & relieved that I don’t have to deal with his controlling, moody behavior. I’m on my way to a great life! Thanks for your writings. I have been reading you for months but this is the 1st time I responded.
Thank you so much for this insightful article … I am forever grateful !!!
Hello,
I keep thinking he is totally happy with her; he left me after all these years for her. You can’t help thinking she is better, giving him more. I know you keep saying this is all an illusion on the N’s part; and she will eventually loose her shine. Do we ever get over the hurt? My aunt keeps telling me what goes abound comes around. Do you beleive this Sav?
Mimi I don’t think we should expend our energy on revenge. I’m of the belief that if you’re holding onto anger, resentment and injustice that these things will show up in your life – not theirs. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let it go and focus on what makes you happy. Because of a Narcissists very nature – revenge is already built in – so don’t think about it. Think about your life and how you can make it better.
@Mimi — I just saw that you posted a question to me in last week’s blog.
Your ex was extremely abusive to you. He picked on every little thing that he could. He did this on purpose to wear you down and destroy your self-esteem. He wanted you to feel worthless and that you could do nothing right, that way you would remain dependent on him, so that you would remain in his harem and so he could continue to abuse you.
It would have gotten to the point where he would have criticized the way you BREATHE.
My ex Narc once berated me when I was making dinner. (I’m a food writer, that is my job. But my ex felt he was the arbiter of taste and all things culinary, when he actually had the palate of a child and couldn’t cook anything other than casseroles).
I was making bruschetta — with bread and ingredients that I picked up from an Italian bakery. He asked me why I didn’t buy a block of processed, fake mozzarella (I bought fresh cheese), said I was making “everything wrong,” and he even yelled at me that I cut the bread “wrong.” He said he was “disappointed” in me and he actually LEFT.
See how ridiculous this is? I can now. He wanted me to feel bad because my culinary knowledge made him insecure and feel less than. So he always tried to put me down. He also had outbursts as an excuse to run off an see someone else. When he wasn’t able to make me feel bad about my cooking, he then found other things to pick on.
To answer your question: Your ex IS going to do this to his new woman. He is going to pick on her, criticize her and tear her down. I will bet money on it.
I get the sense that you’re in distress over the break up and being discarded. That’s OK — many of us here have ALL been through it. Now that you understand WHAT he is (a Narc) you’re that much closer to healing.
You’re going to feel all kinds of emotions. Even though I didn’t cry when I kicked my Narc out, the feelings came out a few months later. I was also really, really angry for a long time. And that’s OK.
Process your feelings. Let it out.
Instead of focusing on what he’s doing, focus on yourself. Know what helped me? Indulging in the things that I love that my ex picked on me about, like cooking. Finding new hobbies. Hanging out with friends that I neglected. Going shopping for new clothes and spending money on myself. Redecorating the house. Reading lots of books, including this blog.
If you can, see a therapist. A therapist can help you do the work to help you identify why and how you got caught up in your ex (if you have not or don’t know already).
Here’s the thing about N’s – it’s Lather, Rinse and Repeat with them. He will hurt his new gf, and hurt the one after that. There’s no need to get revenge on someone who is more than capable of fucking up their own lives, which I guarantee your N will do. He will never be happy. He will never know or experience real, true love.
The best revenge anyway is to be happy.
One day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so much. Then one day you’ll wake up and won’t think about him anymore. I promise you.
NR you made me think of a time when I was getting ready to go out with some friends and I was putting on my make-up and my Narc walked in and went off about my eyebrows – eyebrows of all things. There was nothing wrong with my eyebrows I realize now – he just didn’t want me to go out and feel good about myself.
@NarcRepellant –
I completely sympathize with this story, I have some of my own — the N in way over head, but expounding or flaming authoritatively anyway. Funny to think how dramatic and manipulative they are — funny now, anyway. Also, I have to say: your story made me crave some good bruschetta. With really good olive oil, and a good Barolo to drink with it . . .
This article is amazing. Although I despise my ex narc, I feel sorry for them all. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be sentenced to lifetime roller coaster ride of chasing, securing and discarding supply!!! I get tired just thinking about it! You got to wonder what happened in their early life that caused these narcs to create a false self! I’ve been tormented by my former narc because my “normal mind” just couldn’t grasp his madness! I spent too much time trying to make it make sense when it was plain old nonsense! I’m just happy to be free and those of you that made it out… Please be happy also!
Dear Savannah you’re always fantastic. But again I don’t really feel sorry for him. He’s still with her, the one who cheated with , the one who was perfect for marriage and not me. ( no marriage yet ..by the way)
I’m much better after a year of no contact, focusing on my life .I literally have new energies. Nevertless I don’t feel any pity for his inside monkey. Hope it will eat him all. No revenge just justice
Ortensia I certainly don’t think it’s necessary to feel pity for them. That was not the purpose of this article. I have been inundated with emails from people desperately wanting revenge, so the purpose of this piece was to say you don’t have to do anything, the revenge is already built in to them, because they have to keep being them and there is no way out of it. And being them is no picnic. When you hold out for justice and you’re holding on to anger and bitterness it keeps you invested and brings you people and events that cause you to feel more anger and more bitterness. What’s that saying, “Wishing for vengeance is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.”
This email could not have come at a better time. All weekend long I have been crying and asking when can my ex N get some Karma. I never want anybody to hurt not even my worst enemies ( don’t have any) to pay for all the loss hurt emptiness that I still go through. Just found out my ex N is married again we just got Divirced in January 2015. This is his #4 marriage and I still can’t wrap my head around it. I still have this record player in my head of how he loves her and never loved me, I am such a loser and she won. They look so happy together and what if my ex N has changed and finally found happiness. I am lost and still hurting while my ex N goes to Cuba and other trips around the world and I sit in my one bedroom apartment wondering where my life is going. He’s taken all my friends ripped apart my family going on POF dating site to feel wanted and that has turned out to be worse. Can’t seem to find the air to breathe. Help
Erin –
Nothing can make this pain go away all at once, I wish there was something but there isn’t. You just need to cope, one day at a time. Get through each day. Here are things that can help: exercise, move your body; get out of your head, tire yourself out, just get up and move even though your mind says it won’t help. Just do it. Then, talk to people, write in a journal, get the feelings out of you somehow. If you know about Al Anon meetings they can help; their mantra, “keep the focus on yourself,” helps all who are obsessed with another person and their behaviors, not just alcoholics. Get out of your apartment and take walks. Walk in nature if at all possible. Get somewhere that puts us humans and our human scale into perspective. Pray, even if you don’t believe in a higher power or believe it will help; a great prayer is “I don’t believe in you, this is stupid, I don’t believe this will work but help me please if you possibly can.” If you get desperate and no one else can take your call (middle of the night etc) call a suicide hotline, most are for suicidal feelings OR any overwhelming emotional problems. One that takes calls all the time from anywhere for any extreme emotional distress is called LifeNet, in New York City, 1-800-LIFENET. Call and just talk to them. There are things you can do and there is help available, and most of all: you are stronger than you think. Don’t listen to your brain, listen to people who have been through this and just do what they say. You will make it!
HC
Thank you. I find your words truly comforting, Schadenfruede as it may be. Narcissists have taken so much from me and from people I love. Keep writing!
Savannah –
Once again, you have captured so well what it feels like to be in relationship with an N. There seems to be a universal feeling among victims, when it’s over, that there is a great cosmic unfairness: the N gets away “scot-free” and we are left holding the bag, suffering huge amounts of pain and grief. But when we believe this it is just another sign that we have bought into the N’s worldview, that we have become mesmerized by their fake reality. Because most of us can not conceive of such a huge divide between the “false front” they present and the “deep dark center” of their personalities, we are still caught up in the false front. But your writing here is so very helpful. We have to be constantly reminded that the false front we bought into, and believed in, is just a flimsy facade. The payback we so desperately seek is in fact going on all the time behind that false front. Inside, all Ns squirm in a constantly shifting series of painful and (to them) inexplicable emotional onslaughts.
I remember my N saying, down near the end, “why can’t you just pretend you never met me?” This from a person who had worked hard to convince me a few months before that she was the great love of my life, etc. I realize now that is her tactic, that is how she (pretends to) handle a breakup. She just pretends she never met us and moves on. But I also remember the terror-filled dreams she would have; she often called me to be soothed after waking up from these horrific nightmares. And I remember the panic attacks she would have, they were often accompanied by a repeating thought she could not get rid of: the persistent certainty that she would die alone, by herself. And I remember her telling me that she sometimes heard threatening “voices,” that she was certain there was a threatening and dark spirit world surrounding us (her), and that the only way to quell these voices was to put her hand on a bible and pray until the voices went away.
These overwhelming fears, panic attacks, and psychotic breaks (that is what the voices are — she loses touch with reality) are indicators of her horribly threatening interior life. She seeks out human sources of supply to medicate the pain and fear that are her constant companions. It is true that she “got over me” almost immediately, in the sense that all my special and unique qualities were quickly forgotten as she quickly ran to fill in the missing supply with “new blood.” But the loss of my presence was added onto the huge scrap heap of loss and pain that she keeps hidden in the deep repository of her being. So in that sense she did not and never does get away “scot-free.” I know from knowing her internal life that she is anything but care-free. She is a damaged and compromised soul, doomed to wander aimlessly in what seems to her to be a random and painful universe. This does not excuse the harm she caused me and others. But it does offset the idea that she “gets off easy.” My suffering will end, is in fact ending. Hers never will. If you seek proof of karma, or cosmic payback for the harm the Ns cause us, rest assured: they are getting theirs. Every hour of every day. Behind the false front is a world of anxiety-fuled pain and grief the likes of which we normal people will never know.
HC
@Hurting Cowboy.. Just pretend you never met me..how can you forget or forgive.. I let all going and I’m better but they’re monsters. No pity. Savannah said in another post they know what they did, but they don’t care. They have to feed the monkey .inside Just monsters. For me it’s not enough thinking they suffer everyday. As far as they did not suffer for me at all.
@Cowboy — My ex N is also one of the most insecure, damaged people that I have ever met. He had extreme social anxiety — near panic attacks before meeting new people or going to an event. If he ever felt slighted (and it was often imagined) he would completely shut down, sulk or throw a temper tantrum like a toddler. Once we were at an event, waiting on a few of my friends to arrive. We hadn’t said hi to the host yet. He felt that a waiter ignored him, so he stormed out of the restaurant. Got up and left the table, while I was still sitting there, and left in front of everyone. He was 35 years old when this happened.
This is just one of many, many traits that he has that is not enviable and shows what kind of daily hell he is living in.
I agree that he did not get off scot free. He has to wake up to himself, and live with himself (and he hates himself) every day. Truly the best “revenge” for me was to stop thinking about him and being happy.
Thank you for these reminders. I need to remind myself daily that I did all I could to be a good partner, but it never seemed to be enough. he’s moved on and I miss him but I don’t miss the pain. Thank you.
Oh, this is so true: insecurity and needing someone to make his worth–and then, of course, she can never do it well enough, so either she kills her soul trying, which I did for years and years–or he leaves. Fortunately for me, he became infatuated with a co-worker, treated me worse than ever for several months after I confronted him, while I was trying even harder to please him, when suddenly on a weekend away, I realized that I was better off without him. During that same weekend away, he realized that he was better off with me, so for the last 2 1/2 years he has been trying to get me back–or maybe it is because he lost his other supply and hasn’t found a replacement. Now finally it is child support and alimony that is my only need to connect to him, and that ends next month. Yes, I feel sorry for him, but I cannot fix him. Heavens knows I tried for 22 years and was never good enough. He will never be fixed; that is the way he is destined to live his life. I wish there were hope for narcissists, but there is none–unless he finds someone else who tries to please him for the rest of his life, but it’s not me, and I will feel sorry for whoever it is.
It would be fine with me if my ex-husband would go off and find whatever he wanted to find, but my 20 year old son, who is severely depressed insists on continuing to live with him. This is a terrible situation. My son doesn’t communicate with me. The only way I get news of him is through my ex and the news of course is all about how is suffering because of our son’s illness. Any advice?
I really enjoy your website. 🙂 I am in the long process of divorcing my narc for alcoholism. This article explains why discussing every time he got drunk and pulled a stunt. His story doesn’t match mine. He still doesn’t believe it even with other eye witnesses besides mine. Divorce is my freedom but he thinks of me as a possession. He has already taken 17 yrs and I fear I will never be free.
I am with this man and still trying to find out if he is really a narcissist. Reading this article bring me closer and closer to the fact that he is. He always comes with this phrase when things are slightly going not well…That he should just kill himself. After 2 and a half year being in this relationship. I am just hoplessly can not get out of it. It sucks I no longer know myself and the life I used to have, sometimes in order to remind myself my life before him I just use hours looking a my photos before him. Thanks for this post it always helps to see more and more of the reality and the fact that I can not fool myself hoping he is the love of my life and one day he will come to his senses and start to treat me the way I deserve to be treated…
i love your writing. I was seeing my narc for 4 years. he also had a girlfriend of 15 years of which he never lived with. i was married and becaus i didnt file for divorce he perposed to the other woman. they will be married this week. im still dumb struck. hes still trying to keep me as a girlfriend, but i finally went no contact. whats your opion of this? he has never been faithful to her.
i love your writing
My first husband was a narcissist’ leaving me with a son to raise on my own for a much younger and prettier girl. His damage to me and my son has been lifelong leaving me with a low self esteem and feelings of low self worth. Your article has helped me understand his own self struggles and maybe I was the lucky one.
Hello NarcRellant: Thank you for your reply back to me. Yes i am still feeling hurt and betrayed.. and it is because he has come back so many times with the hope of working it out with me and he continues to keep his contact with the ow. Also i dealt with him all winter long coming up to the house and acting and telling me he still loves me, and that she is too young for him. Believe me i don’t believe in revenge and anger. I am a very loving person. But when you see his face and he just looks blank and kinda kiggles at my pain. It jsut makes me sick. Sav- i do understand what you mean about holding out for revenge, i will not do this. Thank you both so much for your help! Reading this blog does really help me get through this and understand. Mimi