If you want to hurt someone, you have to first know what they care about and what they’re afraid of. When you know what someone cares about, you can threaten to have it taken away. When you know what they’re afraid of, you can threaten to expose them to it.
So, what do Narcissists fear?
- Exposure/ Having their carefully crafted reputation and false reality brought to light/Having the world know who and what they truly are/The truth
- Having their character smeared
- Being forgotten
What do they care about?
- Having supply, people to admire them and give them attention
- Being important/special in some way
- The appearance of success
- The opinions of others
These are at the top of the list of what Narcissists want and fear most. They are, generally, what drives the majority of their behaviors.
When a person has been cruelly discarded by their narcissistic partner, it’s normal to have thoughts of revenge. The problem is that the normal rules of the universe don’t apply when you’re dealing with someone who has an impaired ability to feel empathy.
You can’t reach a narcissist the same way you reach other people. You can’t appeal to their sense of decency, or to their sense of right and wrong, or even to their heart. To them, the right and wrong of any situation lies solely in what’s best for them and how they can obtain the best supply possible, everything else is collateral damage.
When you no longer serve as a source of supply you are instantly an adversary. What is inexplicable to most, is the abruptness of their change in emotions. One minute they love you, the next you are enemy number one.
If you truly want to hurt them, leave them before they leave you. Walk away and don’t look back and live your best life. Ignore all their attempts at contact and go about your life as if they never existed.
If you are the one that is being left, agree with them whole-heartedly. Tell them they are absolutely right. You were going to end it too, but you were just waiting for the right time. Thank God they brought it up and act happy about it. Make no further contact and move on as quickly and happily as possible.
Easier said than done, you might be saying and you’re right. When you’ve been in a Narcissistic relationship you’re confused, lost, heart-broken, and you’re likely, hanging on by a thread. You’re doing everything in your power not to be destroyed by the break-up and someone is telling you to act like you’re happy?
What’s the alternative? You could beg and plead for them to come back – you already know how that’s going to turn out. You could attempt to smear their character and expose them. All that’s going to do is make you look like the crazy one. You could tell their new supply the truth about them, but you already know they’ve been fed a plateful of lies about you and your relationship and again you come off looking like the crazed one.
Any contact on your part, once they have discarded you, is seen as weakness. It feeds their sadistic streak and they fill up on your suffering. If they’ve already got someone else lined up, you are nothing but a burden to them at this point. They may even use you as a means of triangulation to ensnarl the new supply. Everyone knows, you want what other people want and you feel special when you are the chosen one. Narcissist’s know this, they plan on it and use it to their advantage. They don’t care how you will feel about it, or how much it will kill you to see them with someone else. Once they have replaced you, there is nothing you can do to change their minds.
A Narcissist once told me that while he was walking through a mall, he saw a good-looking couple holding hands, laughing and being affectionate. It enraged him, he told me, because he wanted what they had, so badly, but he knew, deep down, that he would never have it. Seeing other people happy and in-love infuriated him. He wanted to hurt them, to take away their happiness, so that they would feel as empty and miserable as he did.
If you truly want to hurt your Narcissistic ex, heal yourself, find yourself, live, fall in love again and walk through that mall laughing and holding hands with someone else.
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I broke up with him after 2 1/2 ys via email a month ago. NC since then, I told him I was happier without him and since I was going to block him everywhere he would not be able to reach me EVER, but that he could go back to any of his ex or meet some new supply, in either case I wouldn’t care. Finished the email with the quote: Real eyes, realize real lies.
Received 3 more emails from him in the spam folder which I deleted without reading them.
I wont lie, the pain and withdrawal feels excruciating but I shall prevail.
Reading and educating myself is helping, also EMDR therapy, exercise and breathing techniques. Looking within is a must, how did I end up in this situation? Its my duty now to heal whatever part of me got me here, I owe this to myself.
The best revenge is none. They expect it. They build their lives around waiting to be served the same parasitic soup they’ve served you.
Detach. Disengage. DIVEST 100%.
They’ll rot on their own.
Narcs aren’t God’s! They have emotions and feelings. Stop believing that they don’t! And while they may suffer from abandonment issues, attention seekers, and need to be in control, well in hindsight so does most people. I had a narc and can honestly say I won the game. He was so emotional about everything I use to look at him like a little b****! He was always looking for attention. Ugh!! And each time he whined about I would catch him scavaging on social media looking for another. So it wasn’t a surprise to me when he eventually cheated. But in the midst of his lies and even prior to I was pampered like the queen that I am. Money, gifts breakfast in bed, clothes, and not to mention my kids reaped the goods he gave to them as well. And, even after I discarded him, once I found out about the cheating, he hoovered for awhile until I severed all communication. He lied trying to convince me he wasn’t cheating. In fact it was only after I degraded him for the final time that he admitted to having a girlfriend. Bottom line, they have feelings and empathy. Now how they show it is one thing, but nevertheless, they have ’em. It’s been over a month since I heard or seen him and I doubt if he’ll come my way ever again, be it this life or the next to come. So, as you see, than can be got. There are no exceptions to the rule!!
You may have had yourself a Borderline.
I live in Taiwan and there is very little info on Narc here in our native language, I am very grateful for all these info on Narc up here. I have been obssesed with finding out what happened to me and to my relationship. I met my ex N 2011, it followed the patterned of us getting on so well and all of a certain he would then want to break up with me for no apparent reason, and then he would get in touch with me as if nothing had happened and resumed our relationship. In 2016, in order to get back with he , he proposed and we got engaged. But in a few months , he just went disappeared. I went no contact with him, within a few months , he started contacting me again but I didn’t reply to any of his msg . Towards the end of 2017, he told me he wanna get married and wanted me to open a cannel of communication for him, which I did, within a month , he was gone again.
Then he started contacting me a few months after that and all the way til end of April this year , I broke NC with him because his mom also reached out to me this time . so we started talking again and even went out to dinner twice , he told me he is ready to get married and was very well behaved and i thought he was changed. but last week, he told me to run away from him and save myself and he said There is no pretty way to do this . Sorry my fuckin bad I should burn in hell. I know he is gonna go disappeared again. I started seeing a psycho therapist after he went away in 2016 and I felt I was much better with a year . I thought I was strong enough to have contact with him again this year. I didn’t know within a month I was hooked back into his charm and I am extremly depressed now that he has let me down again. I even felt suicidal and I have all this anger towards him. I know I need to go back to see my therapist to save my sanity again. I feel very helpless
After 5 years and a few months of relationship with a narcissist I finally decided to end it. Not sure if what I did is revenge but I’m pretty sure she feels like it is.
We owned together a construction business and a restaurant, of which I was responsible of the administrative part, aside of me having a tiny business going for myself for several years prior.
When I met her she was unemployed and we managed to build a very successful construction business and later acquired a restaurant. This together with my business was the perfect combination to make her look smart (which she actually is), rich, all the good things a narcissist likes to show off. Long story short, while we were working on making the businesses grow she got very sick and I had to take over completely, while she stayed home most of the days, recovering. I used to work 16-18 hours daily to be able to pay for her medical care, mortgage, car payments, bills, etc., keep the business going, take care of the house and I was also expected to be a full time wife, e.g. have sex whenever she wanted, be her caregiver, etc.
The marriage started to unravel because I got tired of the demands and was no longer interested in fulfilling every single desire of her. She completely abandoned the businesses that I kept running on fumes. Even though I was working 16-18 hours daily to keep them going she got the guts to apply for employment at a big company behind my back. That was the breaking point. From there on she went on to live a double life: got involved with someone else, moved out of the house, then begged me for forgiveness and to try to fix our marriage. Although I didn’t believe her i didn’t say yes nor say no, and kind of tried to make things work. After 3 weeks of this so-called marriage fixing we got into an argument and she left again. A week later the same story: she came back again begging for forgiveness and asking to try to fix things up, but this time she didn’t ask to move back home, I gave her a list with my conditions and said that until they were met there was no chance of fixing anything. Again, she put on the mask, pretended to care about it but didn’t do anything. By that time she had got married and built another family already while pretending to work on fixing our relationship.
Going back to make them pay, since the first time she left I told her that since she had spent years bragging about being the sole owner of the businesses and everything we had then I wasn’t working to keep them running anymore and since she went to work for someone else I let the construction business fail slowly until I finally decided to shut it down. She didn’t care because she was had a paycheck every two weeks, while I was struggling to pay the bills.
During the second comeback she quit her job and started to rebuild the construction company, while living in another city. I was still working in the restaurant. I never believed she was genuinely interested in fixing our marriage so I never took seriously her so called attempts to fix our marriage so I ignored her requests to take back completely the business administration again, helping her only with an small fraction of the work. By then I was pretty sure she was having a double life and that she was using me for my work skills only. At the time I hadn’t confirmed that she in fact had gotten married and built another family. Finally about a month and a half ago I gave her a deadline for her to take over the business, she procrastinated, I kept reminding her everyday that the deadline was approaching until she said that she hadn’t taken over because she was hoping that I would keep working. I reminded her about the deadline and told her that after that day I wouldn’t answer her calls. Even after that she ignored me and didn’t do anything to take over. Finally the day came, I quit working, said goodbye and haven’t answered most of her calls asking for help or done anything about the problems that arouse after I left because of the lack of direction. On last Sunday I got several text messages blaming me for everything that’s wrong at the restaurant and the things that she doesn’t know how to do in the construction business. She actually believes that I quit because I want her to fail, to see her suffer and to make her pay. I don’t think I did it to take revenge because by quitting my job I was left with no money, not a source of income, nothing.
I just didn’t want her to keep using me and taking advantage of me.
I did this to the letter – emailed him to let him know the relationship was over, no explanation, ignored all the hoovering attempts, and after a month of stalking called the police who arrested him for stalking and coercive control. Hard at the time but as Savannah says, what’s the alternative? Once I’d internalised the knowledge that I was dealing with a narc, following by a month to digest it – I knew what I had to do. Whenever life gets at all tricky now, I remind myself how strong I can be and know that I can survive almost anything. Once you’re out, the healing can start. Good luck to anyone in one of these relationships, believe in yourself, build your support network and get out – any more time in the relationship is time wasted and it just gets harder and harder to leave. If you’ve found this website you are in a better position than most, read all the articles and make the leap! x
Observe what it is within yourself, that opened the door to him: was it loneliness, lack of attention, lack of romance, or lack of sex? A mixture of all?
My ex was an expert in sorting out his victims (next provider, next Flying Monkey) on Facebook. He knew the words, he knows “spellings”…
Be careful if someone flatters you, or does the opposite – challenges your intelligence from the start.
The entrance point, IMO is always on your emotional level. Check the control over yourself.
P. S. You will finally free yourself and find true Love! I did it, you can do it too.
It took almost 6 years to realize these problems are NOT normal. That this is something different. I knew I wasnt crazy and I knew the things I was being accused of were not logical nor the truth. Through out this relationship I had my own personal struggles that included a history of domestic violence, PTSD, (questionable but NOT diagnosed with IED) and reason being is due to my explosive anger that took or ended by me punching someone or by getting tired. Of course those moments of rage were only times when my significant other would lie, flip the script and place blame on me or being feelingless to his actions. Other things I struggled with included a drug problem, add and several cps cases that involved 7 of my children. And with ALL of these things I was up against ; Not one person could convince me that I was the one that was insane.
Interesting stuff. I recently dated a narcissist (which I found out after the fact while reading this blog in fact) and probably did a bunch of thing wrong and right without knowing it.
First of all I resisted the Overvaluation and Love Bombing for quite a long time maintaining simply I did not want a relationship.
When we started to slowly enter into one, by which I mean she relentlessly pulled me in and demanded it in 1000 different ways I’ll admit I started to get hooked into the narrative (how great I am, we are, future).
The moment however that facade was broken (she cheated and let me know and denied it WAS cheating since depsite keys to her place and room she made in her bedroom drawers for me to start moving in I never ‘asked’) I distanced my self and left AND told her fully what I felt (about this and some other similar issue).
Not realizing I was with a Narc I got dragged back in HARD, which was essentially a set-up to fully commit to us and our future so she could end it the day after I did so. AND she blamed me telling me I’d ‘misunderstood’. “I emptied two drawers in my bedroom for you to start moving in’ MIGHT mean two different things to two different people, “I want a committted monogamous relationship with you and I want YOU to ask ME officially’ can not.
In any event, 1/2 of me was expecting the immediate ‘flight’ though I did not expect the pretense or the expectation I would pretend as well. I started to argue and finally said ‘You know what; thank you for opening my heart to dating again, I am going to go date”.. And walked out. I’m not quite sure how a narcissist would handle this and didn’t consider it then not knowing who I was dealing with. It just seemed pointless to rehash the truth and history with someone who was clearly denying a pretty horrendous situaton where she campaigned relentlessly to get me to commit my future just to run away when I did.
Stupildly expecting normal behavior I assumed in a couple weeks she’d reach out and say something like “I am SO sorry I wanted everything I said and am crazy about you I just can’t go through with it I am terrified” (the ‘through with it” not being marriage, simply an agreement to have a committed relationship she’d campagined for for months)., It didb’t happen as I did not realize I had in fact been discarded by a narcissist. I’ve had my share of break-ups with relatively sane women and the above never happened before; I never existed.
So I reached out (breaking the NC rule I did not know about for Narcs) and wrote not a damning letter (like the one I had when I first walked away) but a really nice one acknowledigng how I felt, but worse (I’m guessing for a narcississt) wishing her the best and saying I’d always remember her for opening my heart to love again it was a true gift. againn not sure if htat ‘hurts’ a narccisist and they can turn it to mean anything they want, yet part of it would have to sting; your victim is moving away acknowleding their feelings, but saying goodbye and essentally THANKING you for making it possible for them to now love OTHER PEOPLE (which I am and yes my heart HAD been closed down so this ends up being a good thing for me)
I got back a weird reply ‘Thanks for the nice note. Hope you’ve been well”. Hard to tel l if it hit it’s mark as it is such a generic reply, acknowledged and reciproracted nothing.
In any event, I’m hoping that even not knowing I was with a narc or how to hurt one I got some measure of revenge. I’d never want to reach out and actuall hurt her but if I can do so by letting her knnow I am not hurt and open to love now and still I’m guessing it might anyway?
The way to hurt a narcissist is drop them like a hot potato and NEVER utter a word to them again. That doesn’t mean only “no contact” with them. It means NEVER mention their name to your family or friends EVER. NEVER mention their names to the narcissist’s family or friends. EVER. Act as though they died. I know, morbid and difficult, but the best solution. I was lucky, I knew early on that my boyfriend (he is 48 and I am 48) was a narcissist. I played along because, honestly, I liked the attention, gifts, trips, etc. and was in a vulnerable stage of my life. I knew full well it would end in a s—storm. He hated all of his exes. Why would I be any different? Why do you think you are so special? You are not. I’m sorry to tell you this. I do believe I was “special” and I was. I was special in that I did not bow to this man. I did the breaking up. I called the police when he got violent. I did not accept the groveling. Instead, I criticized him and dropped him. No looking back! I am very different from most narcissist’s victims as I can be apathetic in relationships. I can get sucked in only as far as I will allow and want to get sucked in. I was burned by several narcissists in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I learned their methods and figured it all out. I don’t want to attract a narcissist, but I did when I felt it served me. I am ok with being alone and single. That is a trait you MUST develop to move on. You must love yourself and be ok with being single. Those who are addicted to relationships and depend on others to boost their ego are fair game to become a narcissist’s victim. This is your life. Don’t let anyone, narcissist or not, dictate your happiness. It’s been several weeks and though I do miss the good times, I constantly have a memory of the bad times and how he disrespected me, abused me, and thought he took advantage of me (sorry for him that I was always in preparation mode for this break up and final “good-bye”. Work on loving yourself and your success and silence will be the best revenge. I promise you.
Damn Alison. I’m almost jealous of your insight and conscious actions. You probably had an impact which will hopefully change something he does in the future. There will always be more supply, but at least he’ll remember it can’t always go his way. While they don’t have empathy, they do think. Hope he got a criminal record to warn others.
Best advice ever – thank you
The Narcissist in my life isn’t a boyfriend/partner but a woman I gave free dance lessons to for three and a half years. The harassment started the day I informed her I was no longer going to have her in my dance group and give her free dance lessonss (i.e I discarded her before she got the chance to discard me). She has spent every day for the past two and a half years persecuting and harassing me to the point where I have to sell my house, leave my community and friends and live in a hidden location. She has destroyed my career and I am now unemployed and too scared to work again and go through the humiliation of being the subject of her smear campaigns. The Police went to her house and told her how I was suicidal but that just stoked her more. I am now going through the Courts to get a Restraining Order against her but I know that won’t be the end of it. Is there anything I can do to get this woman out of my life so I can live, work, have friends and a future free of abuse? She has also gathered her narcissist harem in the community (which does look like it may be reducing in numbers now) and has a daughter who will also do her bidding for her and write to anyone who employs me, the news media, the government – basically anyone she can think of to cause me suffering. I can see why she chose me, because being in my dance group gave her media exposure, a semi-celebrity status, admiration and I am a very caring and empathetic person so I was the perfect target for her Narcissistic supply. The dance group continues without her which causes her repeated Narcissistic injury. Does anyone know what I can do other than a Restraining Order? I am really worried I won’t get the Restraining Order granted because judges only know the law and not psychology and won’t know she’s a narcissist (as she can put on a front like any good chameleon). I really need help.
I fell in love with a guy who has been living with a Narc for 10 years. He told me she was abusive, and has had 3 previous marriages with two of the husbands committed suicide. We are an older couple in our 70s and have been having a long distance affair for 4 years. She found out about us 8 months ago. She has made him end all communication with me. There is no doubt he loves me but also terrified of her. She has threatened to hurt him in the past and after two years in the relationship she changed drastically. She is verbally abusive, takes long trips “alone” gives him the silent treatment and keeps him isolated. They have a home they have been sharing all expenses so there is a lot of financial issues. He is afraid of her but “Stockholm” in staying. I know this is a mental issue with him and know he has no one to confide in. He had me but I have no way of contacting him other then mail. She monitoshis phone like a teenager. His sister who lives in another state is friends with me but won’t discuss him. She only says when he’s had enough he will leave. I fear she has control over him and I feel helpless and fear. She is an evil lady.
I have been with my narcissistic boyfriend for a year-and-a-half now. When we first met he was amazing. He started telling me very early on in the relationship that he was catching feelings for me even though I was like wow you know it seems a little early he had told me that he loved me very early on I should have known then but I just thought hey maybe this is the one. So after a short time he would disappear for days at a time I would not hear from him he would not answer my calls. He also has several cell phones with different numbers and at different times uses them. And he never leaves his phone unattended ever. But I noticed that he would be texting people and their names were not saved in his phone they were only numbers and that was a huge red flag for me. When I would ask him about it he would just say he didn’t know why he didn’t put names with no other explanation. I eventually stopped asking questions anytime I would try to talk he would talk over me or interrupt me. Then he lost his place and ended up moving in with me the end of September. And at first it was pretty good no complaints in the beginning. Then he started using cocaine everyday it started out as a $20 a day habit and it ended up being $60 to $80 a day and he was not working. And if he didn’t have it he would start threatening me that he would break the windows out of my car or that I would have to call the cops on him if I didn’t get him more drugs. So the last few months I had been borrowing money from my mom to pay my bills. And then he would have to tell me what I could and could not wear to work. All of a sudden he decided that he didn’t like my animals anymore that my little Chihuahua should be an outside dog and my cat he moved out into the garage. And then he told me that my 17 year old son could not have anyone spend the night because he was afraid that these boys were checking me out. I would always assure him that that was not the case and that the way he was talking was crazy and he would always start a fight with me and start screaming. He recently moved out 3 weeks ago and since he’s been gone I very rarely hear from him once or twice a day maybe if that. I have to say though it’s been very nice not having him here but he still tries to control what goes on in my house even though he hasn’t been here in 3 weeks and hardly ever calls me. I very much want to start the no contact part of the relationship but unfortunately I’m waiting for him to get his income tax money because he does owe me quite a bit of money and he swears that he’s going to pay me. We shall see. He has left some of his belongings here and his dog whom I have been feeding and taking care of. I am just so ready for this to be over and done with. This is my third narcissistic relationship. The first one my son’s father I was with for 17 years. My second marriage only lasted 2 years to an alcoholic narcissist who was physically abusive. And I had taken a break until I met this one and it was so refreshing in the beginning I thought I finally found someone that’s not like the other two that I’ve been with and here I am going through the same BS again.
My 31 year old daughter is a covert narcissist and after our most recent tangle, I had finally had it with her after years of her disrespectful and abusive behavior. Being her mom, I felt I had the right and the obligation to reparent her and I sure did and don’t feel any remorse for doing it, I’m just sorry I didn’t do it years ago!
I mailed her a letter and told her that she was self-righteous, judgmental, controlling, cruel and hateful, and an emotional and verbal abuser. I also told her that I didn’t approve of the person she had allowed herself to become – an entitled, uppity spoiled brat.
She mailed a letter back saying I have complex psychological issues and need to undergo intensive individualized therapy and she won’t “grant” me access to her family until I demonstrate significant progress. I wrote back and told her I wouldn’t jump through her unrealistic hoops and am not willing to seek counseling just so they can tell me I’m dealing with a pain-in-the-ass daughter.
I don’t care anymore. I’ve had it and I’m not taking her crap anymore! Her other siblings and my husband get along great and don’t think I need counseling at all. We’ll see what happens but I feel terrific and free at last!
I poke little pinholes in my N’s delusional version of reality, to gauge the reaction, it does hurt him, but I don’t like what I see.. We have this amazing four year old together who so deserves a happy Mom, however, my N’s many issues include attention deficit. He simply does not have a long enough attention span to keep a toddler safe. His super dad narrative would never allow him to admit this. Any others experience this combo? Anybody get out? I’ve already suffered for 14 years in this relationship, not sure I have 14 more…
Thank you so much. Guys are empathists too and that should be known almost all quotes out there are related to the woman being hurt.
Timothy you are right. I just have never met any boys or men who are empathetic. Never had a father like that or exes. I am an empath (ENFP) and NEVER met any guys like that but nice to know that you might be one. You are rare.
Sure, i have thought about taking revenge on the narcissist many times, even to a point where it almost became an obsession of mine. In retrospect i can see now how unhealthy this was for me. The only person i was hurting by thinking about revenge, was myself. It depleted my energies, and it made me resentful and bitter.
I know i don’t have to hurt the narcissist, because the narcissist is already hurting. Behind the facade of grandeur and self-importance, there is just this wounded and rejected little child. I saw that wounded child in the narcissist that i was involved with, and i felt sorry for him. However, i do not feel sorry for the adult narcissist, because i know how toxic and malicious he is.
I know that the narcissist can never have a emotionally fulfilling life, because they can only feel things on a superficial level. They are always chasing the next high, but these highs never last long before they starts to wane. Living your life this way must be an exhausting experience.
I have been dealing with my N for nine years now. I was able to detach from him for 3 years after he assaulted me and I filed a reatraining order. After about a year of therapy and healing I was going about my life just well. Then…. he popped back in. Of course all the apologies, he changed, blah blah blah. I thought we would be just friends. Turns out I got sucked back into his web. As we all know he hadn’t changed a bit and I found myself going through the same patterns/emotions as before. This was June, 2017. After noting this I promised myself that I would not waste anymore time on him. I have gone no contact going on 2 weeks now. It has been a little tough but not even close to what I went though the previous time. I started to beat myself up for falling for his lies again. I told myself that it is ok. I am human and make mistakes. Also at least I have the ability to forgive and love someone…something he will never experience.
So I am on round two with the same N…crazy!
Just to let you all know. It doesn’t matter how much time goes by do not think that you can handle being friends, that is not what they want. They want to bleed you of your emotions, money..etc. Stay no contact. Keep doing the things that you need to do to heal. Blessings to all.
Hi Marie, I have been on and off for 13 years I am just going No Contact again for the umpteenth time since he discarded me 5 years ago. I get sucked in every time, and although I am far stronger each time it happens it still hurts. I just cannot understand why they reel you in and within weeks back to the horrible people they really are. I am now starting to realise I am only 1 of his harem and mean no more than any of us ever will. Its a tough realisation when you love someone and give them everything to find they don’t care, just want this ego boost so that I give him so well.
Good luck to you and I really hope none of us ever go back.
I honestly wonder if he will ever know pain the way he inflicted damage on many others. My Ex left me a year ago when one if his girls contacted me. I do not miss him and am happy to move on, However, the damage I am left with is a struggle. I am suffering financially. I am able to pay my bills but all my hard earned money goes to debt he ran up with the promise to pay me back & a home I now own in a state where I know few people. I’m trying to make the best of it, but it’s hard. I knew he cheated on me, and lied during the 5.5 years. The results came in especially after he left. He was living with me and dating at least 3 other women. One had his child and he is now 1 years old. This guy never sees his son and I went to his son’s first Birthday party, I’m friends with the mom now. She filed bankruptcy due to not being able to hold everything together. He doesn’t pay child support and the OAG has not caught him yet. He lives with another woman now, but she is not the only one. He calls and begs the third (a different one) all the time to let him back. The lies he told me and the others is unbelievable. So much pain and anger from many women to him. I haven’t even been able to touch the surface of the details. I never knew when he would go into a rage or punch an object. Simply an awful life and person. But there were good times too, but I don’t think about them. How I wish I had known earlier that I could have gotten along so well without him. I am now thankfully free, except for the living aftermath of cleaning up my life which I think will take 5 years to overcome. I have no one to help and have to pay strangers when I need help with something. I am in counseling weekly and know this will never happen to me again. I learned the hard way but severely enough that I think I have it straight now and will only accept being treated right moving forward. I don’t even think he will pay in some way for the things he did to others.
Well done for having clear aims and a time frame Chris. I think it’s worth paying to get stuff done without all the drama that came with Narc involvement. There are things that I can’t have but I feel better off emotionally, spiritually, physically – any which way! We are both better off than the poor lady who had to file for bankruptcy and those who rely on maintenance. As I’ve rebuilt my life, I’ve found people in my circle willing to advise, provide good contacts and even offer work; although I’m careful about that. There’s a lot to be said for it being a business transaction. By employing them, you are supporting someone who is building their own life. I’m in my third year of Narc free recovery and self healing so five doesn’t seem unreasonable. You hang in there and don’t forget to treat yourself once in a while. You’re worth it and so is your struggle.
Omg. This sounds exactly like my soon to be ex husband. Living with me but dating many others. He discarded me and has a girlfriend now. They talk about marriage and having babies. And they’ve known each other for maybe a month and a half. They got matching tattoos.
Our poor son has him as a father!!!
Thanks for sharing! Our relationship lasted two years. My instinct told me he was a fake person, my self esteem which he tried to kill was too resistive. I finally saw the word ” narcissist” two months after I broke up with him, and started my journey to a new world. I read so much about these evil people that I feel empowered. Besides his hovering attempts and me holding strong, his attempts on showing off a new victim, who I know is just an object he abuses. I now feel profound repulsion of him and anyone like him. I still didn’t find a new love, and I feel lonely at times. But I sill never look back. Thanks for helping us with your post. Really you are a light !
After living with a female Narcissist for years, I can tell you just exactly what they want. They want ALL of the attention, money, food, cloths, houses, cars etc. They want to have sex with everybody they can, even people that would disgust you or I ( men or women it does not matter). They would like to see you die slowly so that they could enjoy the pleasure of watching you die.
I would not have dreamed that such evil existed in this world, if I had not had a relationship with a Narcissists.
Run fast and save yourself!
Thanks for your wisdom an encouragement!
The narcissistic liar in my life is an in-law; the verbally abusive bully is a sibling; and the rest of my siblings don’t believe me. Until they stop enabling the dysfunction, boundaries are firmly in place. Somewhat different, but also many similarities. I am thankful for ‘siblings by choice’ who walk with me.
I, too, have developed many ‘siblings by choice’ for love and support. My narcs are my brother and sister. We all live with in a ten minute drive of each other but, they choose to include me in so little. My brother’s ex girlfriend has helped me a lot. She gained understanding by two years of counseling.
1. Abandonment – I found out there were “others” and did an exit left to the shit show stage that I didn’t know I was on.
2. Exposure – Unfortunately, I did what any caring individual would have done and told his newest acquisition about him. Didn’t work. He painted me to be the “crazy” one. So I just left him alone…and went NO CONTACT.
3. Having their character smeared – only told a select few about what type of person he was/is. Did it work? Nope. Cut out and moved on without these individuals that were part of his “fan club”.
4. Being forgotten – he made sure he couldn’t be forgotten with the “others” he was involved with.
5. Loneliness – There’s no such thing as being alone when you have every social media outlet at his/their fingertips. Texting, DM’ing, and whatever else.
6. Introspection – how can they be introspective about their life when 99% of it is a lie?
What do they care about?
1. He, himself, and him. ALL of the time. It boggled my mind the amount of work it took to juggle all these women at one time. But, I guess that’s what it took for his ego. The problem is that he/they cannot TRULY be alone with himself/themselves. Anytime he had his kid, he would be texting or on FB or IG or anything except being in the moment with his child. What I feel most sorry about is how his son is used for every social media post, to make him look like a good father – when in reality he’s a shitty person and most of all a shitty father. Again, this is what it takes to make himself outwardly look good to people. It’s all a show…and once you get to really got know him/them (as much as you could) – you see how much of a shit show it is.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to GET.OUT.OF.THE.SHIT.SHOW. Nothing good comes from these individuals. Look at their past, look at what drama they cause. How can you have a life (friendship/relationship/any “ship) with them when their entire lives are fabricated upon lies? It’s certainly true – “when you no longer serve as a source of supply you are instantly an adversary.” I was told many times, “you are either with me or against me.” – that’s the mentality of these individuals.
Question is after you look back on things, see all the red flags, see all the lies, see the happiness from their destruction, see everything they truly are – why stick around, on any level? Let them do what they do best – destroy their life and anyone that comes in contact with them. You’ve learned your lesson. Don’t keep re-learning the same lesson by keeping any part of them around.
P/S – the person I tried to warn contacted me 6 months later to confirm everything I told her he was…did it matter? Not really, because there wasn’t a need to confirm what he would do and will continue to do to anyone else. Nothing about them will change, only the multitude of players involved.
The no contact sounds great. But we have a daughter together and so there will be contact for another 5 or 6 yrs until she’s 18. She has little contact with her mother, a short visit every month which I supervise, but it’s still a source of stress and anxiety for my daughter and me. Some visits go ok, some don’t go so well. It’s just something we have to deal with.
I get a lot from this website and the various comments. I just wanted to say thanks!!
Sean, your daughter at the age of 12, in most states, will be able to stop visitation if she so chooses. Definitely by the age of 14. You can set up a third party to handle the arrangements for now if both of you agree or you can take it to court and have them handle it. I would definitely get some counseling for your daughter so she maintains a healthy ego and boundaries. Keep reminding yourself that…this too shall pass. Helped me through some tough times.
This article is truth once again! I ended it ! De hooked myself ! Met a beautiful kind empathatic caring loving normal man! Who holds my hand in the street and is so proud to have me by his side , when my Narc never did … my sweet revenge for all the soul destroying awful things he did to me…
Rose that is so wonderful and hopeful to hear
I can empathize with your situation. I have a son with my ex and we will have to deal with him for another 6 years. It’s a huge source of anxiety and anger for my son. But yes we deal with it the best we can. This blog has also been a great resource and a reminder I’m not alone. Keep your head up I know your doing the best you can
I’m confused. Mine N holds my hand all the time. Kisses me all the time. Is he really an N. He fits most of the descriptions
I told my child who found himself in a family of narcissistic people the very last line of this article. Waiting for the shoe to drop and praying he talked it .
Absolutely, right on! Maybe, minus the happy ending of finding romantic love again but finding love in whatever form you choose, including love for yourself. I mean, it’s OK to find a new romantic love if that’s something people want but for some of us, that is not important anymore.
I realized that in a way I did get my justice to my ex, I left first, I kept no contact and so did our grown up son. To make it worst for him I let him face possible exposure to his family and workplace when I filed for legal enforcement of support payments. He got so scared that he did a catch up payment in minutes and never missed a payment since then.
We know nothing about him, though he lives 10 minutes drive away. I don’t even know if he is still with his new love or not and it doesn’t matter anymore. I know that he is still alive at the end of every month when support payment arrives. I always send him a receipt and short thank you and never ever get a word from him but I know that that short: “thank you” is a slap in his face. I’m sure that he would rather bitch about me stealing “his” money without even saying thank you. I know he is not happy and he never will. I know he will hate me for the rest of his life and that is his problem. I don’t need his acceptance and sick love anymore. He is no one, or maybe a person that I used to love and I used to think I knew. But who I used to love and knew didn’t really exist so I other words that person is dead; there are just memories left.
I love my life now more and more. I would never ever go back to what it used to be. Never!!!
It’s so funny that they would fear a smear attack when that’s the very thing to do to other people!
I would say to never tell one that you have told people their true nature – I almost got killed doing for doing that.
I meant that the smear campaign is what they do to other people – sorry, I have the flu!
You hit the nail on the head with this post!!!!!
I’m ashamed that it took me so long to finally block the last avenue of contact.
But I did it, and I’m better for it. I still think of those good times, but know that I’ll never go back. Thank You, Savannah.
Loved first half of this post! Because I was living terribly in the second half of this post at one time. I arrived there unknowingly because I did not know the answers to those questions posed -about fear and care- regarding myself. Being in this dynamic so innocently albeit ignorantly deep, I couldnt have understood the second half of post let alone choose to safely move forward and let it go. Was a path of brutal awakening to self clarity and knowledge of how life works. Was a bit violent of a way to rip the rose colored glasses off of an otherwise slower pace of less traumatic life growth.
I can now answer all of those incredible questions- what do narcissists fear and care about- for myself. And because none of those answers are hanging there is no longer a space for a narcissist to slip in and unknowingly pilot my life. at the end of the day, we all care about the answers to those questions and are operating within them in some form, from differing perspectives. And I love the perspectives on your blog! So helpful and resonant with who I want to be. Lets keep this ‘woke’ chain going.
Yes…you nailed it! It will be 4 years in April. He asked me to marry him on Monday (when he found out I was accepted to a prestigious graduate school in another state and didn’t want me to leave him). Then on Thursday, he met his new supply in a bar, spent the night with her, and told me on Sunday it was over between us. I was in total shock for months, and thankfully, I had something else to focus on. Since then, I have happily moved on (no contact other than a short hoovering attempt a few months later). But the part that still confuses me is what would possess a woman to want a man under those circumstances? She’s an intelligent, attractive executive. She knew about our relationship because he triangulated the hell out of the situation. Why on Earth would she think that their relationship would have a happy ending? He’s cheated on every woman he’s ever been with (which I learned from his sister after it was over). But you explained it perfectly, Savannah. By all accounts, she’s very competitive and it must have been a thrill for her to know she stole a man from someone else he was newly engaged to. I don’t know if they’re still together or not, but I don’t care. They deserve each other!
Be so very thankful for “HER”. She was a blessing in disguise which kept you learning a big life lesson without saying I do with negative consequences to follow! Sometimes we don’t see the silver lining till later!
Remember none of us are made the same. Things we will never truly understand all the way happen all the time.
100% Accurate! I think it will be 4 maybe 5 years in April. You know what I don’t care because it’s over and I have moved on. No contact with him at all! I have worked on me staying positive. The house finally sold in Jan. I struggled a long time paying for it all with no help. 6 days a week! Paying off some debt now and going to live my dream in FL. See you on a beach soon! Love that I found this site! Everyone keep your head up! It gets better…and never let them see you sweat!
Oh this is such good advice! I left my ex-narcissist after three years of living together, after learning he was messing around with a couple of girls I had thought were my friends. I still loved him, and could not understand how or why he wanted to do this to me. So I walked… and I wept… took the better half of a year to feel slightly human because my trust had been broken by the man I wanted to spend my life with and two people I called my friends. Staying away was hard… so hard and so difficult. The most difficult thing I have ever done, frankly. Now, nearly three years after leaving him and blocking all contact with him I have survived, and I have met the most wonderful man. I’ve known him for many years, but we just connected some six months ago. He loves me, I love him. And we are happy and living a healthy relationship. It can happen to all of us who fell in love with a narc. But we have to walk away. And never look back!
Yes, yes and yes Savannah. In the end you’ll gain much more self respect from behaving in a dignified way. I did what you said and walked, although I should have gone months before or, better still, heeded the red flags in the first place. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! He came hoovering a few months later. It makes sense that he would see if I was still on the hook.
I know you’ve said all this in other blogs but do keep strong if that happens. Falling for it led to several wasted several years in which I could have been rebuilding my own life. It was only after that (and when the next woman appeared) that I began to accept how awful he was although I was still addicted in a sick and contradictory way. That was when I discovered narcissism, found this blog and accepted that part of the issue lay with me.
Learn you are a whole person. You don’t need the fairytale ending of walking through the mail unless you’ve healed and until you’ re certain the new person is genuine, through and through.
Agree with that very last statement.