If you want to hurt someone, you have to first know what they care about and what they’re afraid of. When you know what someone cares about, you can threaten to have it taken away. When you know what they’re afraid of, you can threaten to expose them to it.


So, what do Narcissists fear?

  1. Abandonment
  2. Exposure/ Having their carefully crafted reputation and false reality brought to light/Having the world know who and what they truly are/The truth
  3. Having their character smeared
  4. Being forgotten
  5. Loneliness
  6. Introspection

What do they care about?

  1. Having supply, people to admire them and give them attention
  2. Control
  3. Being important/special in some way
  4. The appearance of success
  5. The opinions of others

These are at the top of the list of what Narcissists want and fear most.  They are, generally, what drives the majority of their behaviors.

When a person has been cruelly discarded by their narcissistic partner, it’s normal to have thoughts of revenge. The problem is that the normal rules of the universe don’t apply when you’re dealing with someone who has an impaired ability to feel empathy.

You can’t reach a narcissist the same way you reach other people. You can’t appeal to their sense of decency, or to their sense of right and wrong, or even to their heart. To them, the right and wrong of any situation lies solely in what’s best for them and how they can obtain the best supply possible, everything else is collateral damage.

When you no longer serve as a source of supply you are instantly an adversary. What is inexplicable to most, is the abruptness of their change in emotions. One minute they love you, the next you are enemy number one.

If you truly want to hurt them, leave them before they leave you. Walk away and don’t look back and live your best life. Ignore all their attempts at contact and go about your life as if they never existed.

If you are the one that is being left, agree with them whole-heartedly. Tell them they are absolutely right. You were going to end it too, but you were just waiting for the right time. Thank God they brought it up and act happy about it. Make no further contact and move on as quickly and happily as possible.

Easier said than done, you might be saying and you’re right. When you’ve been in a Narcissistic relationship you’re confused, lost, heart-broken, and you’re likely, hanging on by a thread. You’re doing everything in your power not to be destroyed by the break-up and someone is telling you to act like you’re happy?

What’s the alternative? You could beg and plead for them to come back – you already know how that’s going to turn out. You could attempt to smear their character and expose them. All that’s going to do is make you look like the crazy one. You could tell their new supply the truth about them, but you already know they’ve been fed a plateful of lies about you and your relationship and again you come off looking like the crazed one.

Any contact on your part, once they have discarded you, is seen as weakness. It feeds their sadistic streak and they fill up on your suffering.  If they’ve already got someone else lined up, you are nothing but a burden to them at this point. They may even use you as a means of triangulation to ensnarl the new supply. Everyone knows, you want what other people want and you feel special when you are the chosen one. Narcissist’s know this, they plan on it and use it to their advantage. They don’t care how you will feel about it, or how much it will kill you to see them with someone else. Once they have replaced you, there is nothing you can do to change their minds.

A Narcissist once told me that while he was walking through a mall, he saw a good-looking couple holding hands, laughing and being affectionate. It enraged him, he told me, because he wanted what they had, so badly, but he knew, deep down, that he would never have it. Seeing other people happy and in-love infuriated him. He wanted to hurt them, to take away their happiness, so that they would feel as empty and miserable as he did.

If you truly want to hurt your Narcissistic ex, heal yourself, find yourself, live, fall in love again and walk through that mall laughing and holding hands with someone else.

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Written by Savannah Grey
Savannah Grey is a Freelance Writer, a Hypnotherapist, Consultant, Sports Fanatic, and Philosopher and has a degree in Psychology. She is the founder of www.esteemology.com, a website dedicated to educating and healing survivors of abusive relationships.