Denial is a big part of Codependency – denial that anything is wrong, denial of your feelings, denial about your childhood, denial about your romantic partners…whichever way you slice it there is a lot of incongruity between a codependent’s perceived reality and reality itself.
Emotional manipulators are drawn to codependents and vice versa. They have a lot in common. You have two wounded children playing out their dysfunctional tapes over and over again. Both insecure, both desperate for love, both with a very low sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Both have an external locus of control, looking for love, happiness and acceptance outside of themselves. The differences lie in how they express those feelings and beliefs.
A codependent seeks approval by being, doing, and giving more than they receive. They derive their self-worth by caretaking and giving. They don’t feel comfortable in the spotlight and instead feel more comfortable focusing on others.
Narcissists, on the other hand, seek approval by creating a false image of themselves. They need the attention and affection (supply) of others to maintain their self-esteem. Once they’ve received the required supply the Mr.Hyde appears in contrast to the Dr. Jekyll they initially presented.
Because Codependents are used to being treated poorly and believe they have to work for love, they don’t run for the hills when the monster shows up. The Narcissist, well-schooled on his targets weaknesses, begins a course of psychological warfare all centered around controlling their victims to keep them compliant and to keep them from leaving.
How A Narcissist Creates Dependency
They Create Anxiety in Their Victims: A Narcissists moods can be very volatile. They can rage at the slightest provocation and take out their wrath on their nearest and dearest. As a result a codependent, who is already accustomed to ignoring their feelings, learns to tip toe around the precarious moods of their partner. They walk around on egg shells, never knowing when the next proverbial shoe will drop. If this anxiety continues for a prolonged period of time and goes untreated physical ailments have been know to occur.
They Wear Down Your Self-Esteem: Either overtly or covertly they take aim at those parts of you that you are most ashamed of. They criticize everything you do, how you look, how you behave, even your very existence. The assault can be so pervasive that you become like a shell of a human being, believing that you can’t do anything right and little by little the Narcissist takes over every aspect of your life. You get to a point where you leave everything to them, believing that they know better. You lose yourself in the relationship and let go of your autonomy.
They Condition Their Partners to Behave Using Negative Reinforcement: When a Narcissist’s partner stands up for themselves, acts independently or in a manner they disapprove of, a Narcissist will use negative reinforcement to keep them in line. It’s a form of operant conditioning coined and identified by F.B Skinner. It’s the removal of a stimulus the subject wants or requires. Like taking a cell phone away from a misbehaving teenager, a Narcissist will remove themselves by disappearing or giving you the silent treatment. We learn through both positive and negative reinforcement. Conditioning is just another tool a Narcissist uses to subjugate their victims.
Gas Lighting: Gas lighting is the most recent buzz word surrounding Narcissists. It’s a manipulation tactic used by Narcissist to get their victims to question their memory, perception and sanity. They plant seeds of doubt and confusion to further weaken your grasp on reality.
They Display a Complete Lack of Empathy: They fail to celebrate or acknowledge anything that is important to, or about their partners. They don’t buy gifts, or recognize their partner’s achievements. They may pick fights right before a birthday, or the holidays to give themselves justification for their behavior. They don’t want their partners to get too confident. A confident partner is a partner who might decide they’ve had enough of their abuse and leave. A Narcissist fears abandonment and will guard against that at all costs. Making their partners feel small and insignificant is a great way to do that.
They Isolate You From Everyone You Love and Trust: There is always a big fuss anytime you want to spend time with people you care about. They berate and rant about how awful your friends or family are and anytime you talk about them or want to see them a confrontation ensues. They do this because they have spent so much effort into making you doubt your reality and they don’t want that messed up by people that have the ability to make you see the truth. The problem is that you have likely already bought into the Narcissist’s game plan. Your friends and family will tell you to get the hell out of there, like any sane person would, but they don’t understand the dynamic you’re stuck in. When you continue to stay, after revealing horrific details of the abuse, they get frustrated with your behavior to the point where you don’t want to tell them anything anymore, because you can’t deal with their criticism and disappointment, you stop talking and continue to hide your feelings.
They Play Mind Games: A Narcissist is always playing a game of one-upmanship. If you think you’ve caught them in something they will lie and make up a story. If you accuse them of bad behavior they will profect that behavior back on you and accuse you of the same thing. They are always trying to outsmart their partners and stay one step ahead of them, everything is a game and keeping you in the dark in regards to their behavior, true feelings and motivations feeds their ego. It makes them feel superior and reinforces their belief that you are lacking intelligence and are in fact inferior.
They are Vengeful: Fear of punishment and retribution are powerful motivators. If you know that you will be yelled at, physically harmed, humiliated, insulted, have your children harmed, your property destroyed or have anything that holds meaning to you taken away, you can be trained to be obedient. In Narcissistic/Codependent relationships there is always a power differential and they use that power as a means of control. They will teach you that everything is their way or the highway and when you do not comply you will be punished, in one way or another, until you comprehend that everything is always all about them. This constant erosion of boundaries, expectations, and the irrelevance they put on your needs and want is another hit to an already fragile sense of self.
In Part II next week we will talk about breaking free of Codependency and getting out of this cycle of abuse
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Hi Savannah!
For me the challenge is in double dose – as there are two people in my life who have wrecked & shattered my life into pieces! My father is an overt Narcissist Sociopath & my wife is a Covert Narcissist Psychopath!
It is very difficult to figure out which is more evil!
I think my wife is more dangerous, as she had an M.Sc. in Psychology since before our Marriage & then she pursued another M.Sc. in CFT (Counselling & Family Therapy) in 2012/13 but xould not complete till date ….
So my point is that she knew exactly how abnormal my father was … all along these 19 years of our marriage, & being a Covert Narcissistic Psychopath, she very hideously played divide & rule in the house (we had a joint family) & ruined & drained me financially & career wise!
I figured out this horrible reality only in 2017 … & now my biggest challenge is this –
How to rebuild myself financially & career wise?
Both these demons have been playing & destroying me for so many years like the two knights in the game of CHESS!
They have been playing every dirty trick any Narcissist has in their armour – Lying, Cheating, Gaslighting, Projection, Smear Campaign, Invalidation, Dominating, Denying, Rage … I mean what not???
I was just shell shocked to realize that by 2008 I had become a perfect Narcissistic Magnet … as I had a series of horribly Narcissistic Bosses in every other job I tried! I had been hopping from one career line to another & despite producing unbelievably miraculous results in the shortest possible time in the most difficult, uncooperative & hostile environments – I had to suffer the same unbearably torturing ordeal – & thus getting forced to resign in protest!
When I realized in 2017 – how I became a perfect Narco Magnet by 2008 – I suddenly recalled the words the Delhi Centre Manager of the “The Landmark Education India” (which conducts the leading flagship Training program – The Landmark Forum – based on the science of Ontology) when I approached her in 2002 to request for my withdrawal from their 6 moths long Training Program – ILP (Introduction Leaders Program) – This is what she told me –
“Vikas I don’t know what barrier is stopping you from continuing such a Powerful Training Program – but let me tell you one thing – what ever is stopping you now – you may find this same barrier stopping your way at every crucial stage in your life!”
At that time in 2002 – I had no clue what Barrier she was referring to – as I was completely oblivious to the darkest demonic reality of my own family!!!
I had been trying like hell to make myself Financially Independent & stable since more than last 20 yrs … But first my overtly controlling, dominating, & Manipulative Narcissistic Father & then my covert cunning back stabbing wife have deliberately denied & blocked my every move – now I am just ridiculed & criticized not only in my own home, but in every, Social Circle whether it is her family, her relatives, my relatives, her friend circle, my friend circle … she insidiously ran a perfect smear campaign everywhere!!!
I’ve so many health issues as well! Suffer so much of anxiety & depression – staying awake late in nights … going through the Pinterest slides, or trying to forge new associations either via Linkedin or Twitter … Looking for some ray of hope … & so many times crying all alone in desperation & isolation … Really have no one to share my grief with – have two kids – a daughter & a son – trying desperately to undo the damage on their tender impressionable minds
How to come out of this Dark Tunnel?
I am even willing to sell my house … or even to trade my vital body organs … so that I can start some business that would ensure me some financial stability & independence!
I just want to come out of this DARL TUNNEL some how!
THERE IS LIFE AFTER A NARCISIST IF YOU RECOGNIZE THE SILVERLINING
Your article hits all the right notes. Every dynamic you described fit perfectly. Happiest year I ever spent was 12 months of his devotion and charming romance. The day after we married the masks came off, the demands began, the need for control was put of bounds, the gaslighting, distancing and emotional cheating was painful but not as scarey as his threats to harm me. Projecting his negative personality traits was confusing…sick.
I asked him to leave and recognized that I had been given a gift…his silverlining. The Narcisist targets the empaths weakenesses….ones they are in denial about or do not know how to heal. The empath has the opportunity to face themselves in the mirror, identify the holes in themselves that attracted the narcisist….and heal themselves once and for all….or they can blame him and continue to attract abusers by being the victim. I chose to do the work…I am a new person with greater understanding of myself and new tools to manage myself.
It is not straight ahead…there are zigs and zags but they become fewer and farther between. I learned a lot from my narcisist interlude, painful but I am happy, aware, now equipped with a new set of tools and I am happy with my post narcisist journey. He’s still repeating his sad spider and the fly scenario. He is still hollow and lost and fooling women. Not my problem.
Empowering ourselves with knowledge, healing, happiness and joy cuts the narcisist off at the knees…..prevents us from falling for another, and has attracted healthier prospects.
It was an expensive year, emotionally and financially but I was worth the I investment….so are you.
This was everything I needed right now even a year later from original post. Word for word my current relationship/ situation.
Mask came off when I had our child in May and suddenly, with the flip of a light switch, he went from my high school crush Prince Charming – to distant emotional mental abuser. The emotional cheating/ affairs came to the light on top of a hidden addiction (not just drugs but apparently women too), every single word out of his mouth from the first day we reconnected was a LIE. Two years ago I didn’t even know what a Narcistist was… was always a term I maybe heard once and a blue moon; until I became victim to his game and started researching.
There’s a way out…. I can see the light but I do know he’s not gonna let me go so easily. Mind games and minipulation….. The emotional and mental toll that this has taken on me was more than I’ve ever endured or even IMAGINED in a relationship.
I am very codependent, always have been but even more so now seeing as he made sure I am a jobless, friend-less, stay at home mom who very much is dependent on him currently.
Thank you for an enlightening article. Negative reinforcement is a rewarding consequence–like when you take an aspirin and the headache goes away, or you give in to the narc demands and the rage goes away. Negative punishment is a punishing consequence–like you make the narc mad and he ghosts you.
I met my narc 16 months after my husband passed away from cancer.My husband and I had been married 33 years and extremely happy and in love. I married him out of highschool. Then came cancer…
I worked with the narc…we started to date and I felt as though something was wrong a few days into it..almost as if he had read about my husband and was trying to be him and infact did ask had he done that..he told me of a wife who died of cancer, a second wife who cheated on him, a mother who turned to alcohol , a string of girlfriends who left him …he admitted he was an a** to them and scared them. His own words. A few weeks of goodness and bam…I noticed he had me phone him after I got home from work every day, he would meet me for every break and.lunch at work and if I didn’t look at him he would tell me why didn’t I look at bim…he would try to read my face to see if something was wrong. He ask me to borrow money to him which I did..then after two weeks he wanted to move in..was in a big hurry. I noticed he tried to alienate me from my daughter’s, he only met them twice, said he would never take part in any holidays with us..had no hobbies to speak of….then he became enraged and angry for no reason and there was arguments every single day. Crying at work..Me always going back thinking I did something wrong. Finally one day I had pains in my.left arm.during an argument..he told me to get out..I wasn’t having a heart attack and dieing in front of him. A few days later afraid of his temper I wrote him A text and said I was done. He was furious. He stalked me at work, tried to lure me back through my friends..I ended up going to hr to get him away. He still kept in touch with my friend and she would make me feel I didn’t try enough he would ask her was I really done with him, then I would ask him could we talk and he’d say no and storm off. I tried a month ago to be nice, bring him coffee and muffins for breakfast before work in a kind gesture…I learned there’s no kind gesture with a narc…he again blew up at me and slammed the door saying I embarrassed him by going to hr at work…. This time as he did so I thought in my.mind…no more..the only one who is breaking my heart is ME by keeping on going back. He can not be fixed..he does not think he ever does wrong..he is A God Afterall and does no wrong. I took a look at his life…and decided he brought nothing to my life..for all I gave that man he never so much as bought me a cup.of coffee and certainly not an.ounce of empathy for losing my precious husband. He NEVER will. To punish me so I would miss him..he went on another shift…After the last tantrum he had I said no more…took him from My cell phone, blocked and deleted as well as all media. No more pictures of him in my.phone..status changed…told his boss to make sure he stayed away for good this time..Then told my friend if she ever talked to me about him again she’d be up in hr fighting to keep her job( hr had previously told them they were not allowed to talk about me at work) i have avoided seeing him in the shift change even..no contact whatso ever. Best thing I ever did!
Can You imagine losing your husband to cancer and then thinking you found the second love of your life only to find out he’s a narc and you never even knew these type of people existed? Suffering two broken hearts in less than two years! I am well aware this isn’t the end…he will find a way to get back in one day..he just forgot one thing…I watched my precious love of 33 years die in front of me..I know what it’s like to be treated very well and I am never letting him back. It only took me one month to figure him out and let him go…and the last 8 months to realize my own self worth does not depend on a man who sees so little in himself and never will….I pray for him…he has a sickness only God can cure….I will go on…he did not break me nor will any man of this nature…thanks to sites like this who have helped me see…lesson learned! Theres only one thing nearly as bad as losing the love of your life to death….loving someone who is here on earth that will never be able to love you..or anyone else and letting them go! Hugs to all of you!
I type these long comments and delete. I have so much to say, but then think why bother. I am a successful person in public and a complete failure in private. I let (helped) this man destroy me and I knew for so long that I should leave, but I kept thinking, try a little harder, he is not really an N, he had such a horrid life, etc. I have fallen apart and need to pick myself up and move on but I hurt so much and I am so tired. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t even know where to start rebuilding me. It is all I can do to wake up and drag myself to work.
I definitely feel you. I’ve been going over and over through the same pattern with the same person. Until it has basically destroyed my wellbeing.
I’m quite successful professionally, but on the personal level I can’t manage anymore to create or keep healthy relationships. I don’t recognise myself anymore.
I recently have managed to get out of the relationship but the stalking just started. This time I’ll take the necessary measures. I think that’s the only way to go.
Eventually I’ll put myself back together, but only if I am consistent.
I never write in blogs or anything, but I has helped me a lot to read other people’s stories.
Keep dragging yourself to work and doing the small daily tasks. I’ve been there, and I’m telling you eventually you will feel better – but be consistent and don’t fall back.
I only recently discovered I was co-dependent/with a narcissist during mandatory classes while in a domestic violence shelter for women and their pets! My Narc had left me at the Shelter while “trying to survive” on his own, supposedly until he and I both got paid and could get a new place after our last eviction! After exiting the shelter on the beginning of Month 3, before I was “ready” ,after suffering numerous financial losses while trying to get a place after recovering from a surgically repaired broken knee incurred at the Shelter/due to the Shelters negligence, and after ending up literally on N. Las Vegas’ “skid row” without the help of my Narc (staying with his Sister at the time, so unable to help me due to her disapproval!?!), and after having to give up my Emotional Support Animal for adoption at the Animal Shelter associated with the Shelter I was no longer welcome at after exiting too early, I am finally looking at “getting back on my feet” when I get my regular/monrhly SSDI/Widow’s SSDI payment, and returning to Vegas to continue the lawsuit against the Shelter (after having stayed 2 weeks in AZ with my 86-year old Father to avoid Further homelessness this month before I get paid again) but, against my own better judgment and attempts to maintain no contact since leaving Vegas, suddenly started texting my Narc again and making “sketchy” plans with him after he responded in an unusually positive manner, claiming to love and miss me so much, and even putting a little money in my account to tide me over till payday! Now I am angry with myself, as I am already playing the sick game with him of trying to get him to own up to how his abandonment cost me my beloved pet, and almost my life, when he wouldn’t even help me get off the street while at his Sister’s! I’m telling him I won’t bother continuing to communicate with him or especially see him when I return to Vegas if he won’t “own up” as I have asked! But I’m afraid I WILL agree to see him, or worse- sleep with him- when I return to Vegas because of My fear of returning there WITHOUT a real place to call home or real friends other than My younger Sister (who is a codependent with a Narc herself!) or especially no ESA until I get another pet from PetsForVets.com (I am a female veteran)! I want to return to No Contact, but am still dangerously confused about whether or not it is possible for him to “own up” as I have asked and enable “us” another chance to be a couple…if we ever were! Guess writing this is already giving me some answers to some of this dilemma….
I was with my narcissistic alcoholic for 33 years. We have 2 great daughters. I have worked so hard to recover and be healthy. During my long journey I was eventually hospitalized with depression and anxiety. While there I was diagnosed with PTSD. At times I fear I will never be whole or normal again.
I have had no contact with him for several years. Not since the end of our ugly long War of the Roses divorce. He caused so many of the problems but I received the blame for them.
I saw him and spent the day with him recently when our daughter was hospitalized for emergency surgery. I refused to let him drive me from her bedside. But this has left me feeling so shaken. He totally discounted me by not only refusing to acknowledge my presence but he wouldn’t look at me, comment on anything I said, interrupted me, closed his eyes when I was speaking, looked away when I was speaking. All of this in front of our kids. I have to see him again in June at our daughter’s rehearsal dinner and the wedding. As well as all of the other people who were a part of our lives who he was able to convinced that I was crazy and wronged him. I don’t want to see them either.
I am once again feeling lonely, isolated and that I am going crazy. I don’t understand why my daughters don’t see through his games. Right now I am so discouraged. Where did my hard work go? I feel that I have no one to talk to that understands what I have gone through. I am feeling so discouraged that this will never end.
I myself have been were you are monday i hit my breaking point i was trying to numb my pain and feeling and depression.well i ended up im the er because i took to much was in icu for 4 days and in the pyc word for 24 hours.i always asked my x all the time why was i not enough well guess what i am enough hes not and never will be.once i learned i was enough and that it was not me i can now move on.you need to take a break for the grind for your mind thats the only way to start and get in an out patient program they can help you work through all your feelings and doubts read more on the subject and you will find all your answers.theres a book thats helped me its called “why does he do that?”an Angry and controlling man.i hope ive helped you u can contact back if you need or want to i was in my situation for 19 years.
Thank you, Sav, for your lifesaving site and to all who have posted here and responded to your other excellent posts. The pain I read makes my heart bleed, but reading helps so profoundly too. Not to feel mad and alone any longer.
Please, those who are struggling, who cannot imagine a day where they will not feel the pain of separation: put one foot in front of the other, keep going and keep the faith that you will recover. You will be more whole, happy and confident than the person you were, the person the N preyed upon. Read the stories on this site, draw strength from them.
No contact, as advocated by Sav and others is the only way to fly. I am a recovering alcoholic, sober for 10 years. I could not recover until I put the drink down. So it is with our addiction (for that is what it is) to our Ns. Only total abstinence will give us the clarity we need. Here is my truth:I have found my recovery from my Narc marriage/relationship of 32 years harder going than my recovery from alcoholism. Yes, it is that gruelling, but I am here to tell you that it can be done and that the rewards are magnificent. Yes, I am impecunious – poor as a church mouse – but I am building a life. And it’s mine. I am 56.
Sav, I have a residual doubt/question: I am the daughter of an N and my Covert N is the son of a N. In our early years we were happy. Could I, through my drinking and its attendant misbehaviours, have ‘pushed’ him over the line into narcissism do you think? Or is that just my co-dependence talking?
Also, more from you on covert narcissism would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry to have gone on so long. Love to you and all who suffer with these chimeras. We SHALL prevail.
Wow this was my marriage of 8 years the relationship was 15 years! Textbook. Had gifts and recognition at first but went to nothing. Isolation totally did that picked fights at birthdays and holidays….no Christmas Gifts for years! Talking down to me and even my mother! So glad I’m divorced for three years and happy! I don’t know if I will ever trust enough to have a normal relationship again. I get anxiety even thinking about it!
Becoming me – I feel like the last person who should be responding to you with answers, as I’m only a few months out and I have a similar struggle myself. I guess I wanted to tell you that you are not alone but that you are absolutely doing the right thing by seeking answers instead of trying to win him back. I have come to accept that the constant thoughts of him are a part of the brainwashing and manipulation — a conditioning caused by constant high alert while with him. In a sense it’s like withdrawing from a drug because our brains were receiving a constant flow of stress hormones and neurotransmitters and rumination that we have to wean off of. And we had a constant dangling carrot that “if only I did _____ a little better, then we would be that happy couple.” We are left shaking our heads at our failure and still feeling that we can keep working to solve it somehow. It was never solvable. The game was rigged. Period.
I find myself focusing on happy memories and not acknowledging the pain and damage that was more pervasive. The highs of having “home” instead of the lows of the disappearances. He left you how many times? You don’t deserve to live like that, and it would be more of the same. Just as the new one will have that pain soon enough. She undoubtedly is already feeling that confusion and anxiety.
I have been forcing myself to get out and join a hiking group and play pickleball, and plan a camping trip. And I’m listening to a few YouTube videos with Audio EMDR and Theta wave binaural meditation. They are really helpful and calming and I’m finding myself able to release a lot of that obsession and sadness. At the same time I am working on discovering what the lessons are in why I felt I deserved his pathetic version of a relationship instead of something real and complete. I’m not focusing on hating him but I am focusing on not loving him anymore. Because “he” was a lie. Then I lie there and feel all of that love I’ve been sending his way and I draw it back in to embrace myself. Because I am at expert at giving love, and I deserve that love most of all.
It’s been nearly seven months since I last spoke to my narcissist. Other than seeing him in court for the Order of Protection, I’ve not seen him either. We’re in the process of divorce, with me trying to prove that he took about $40,000 from my retirement accounts the last year we were together – He claimed it was a reconciliation after filing for divorce 18 months ago. He sure played me and took everything financially, physically, emotionally, and socially. I’m adrift and broke at 51. I gave a decent job, but I’ll never be able to retire. I’m just sick that he stole it all. Yes, he’s 68 and started dating again the week I had to leave. My question to anyone is: How do I let go? How do I move on? How do I forget eleven years of memories? There’s virtually nothing that doesn’t remind me of him, of us. I try to tell myself I’m better off and that I’m glad I’m gone, but it’s a lie most of the time. I miss him dreadfully. I miss our home, pets, and routine. I still just want to wake up and go “home.” I’m afraid that if he would have me, I’d go back in an instant. He’s discarded me at least four times in our eleven years, but this time I got the TRO, so he’s made no attempt to contact me. He’s a textbook narcissist and I’m a true codependent wife I guess. Now what?
Dear Savannah thank you for remind the traits of the Narc. But please one day can you tell us the story of one of them ended in misery and alone? or they will always win because they’ll always find new victims?
I really agree with Holly’s comment. Sometimes when I read the blogs I doubt my convictions that I am dealing with a N. Because not all rage/scream/stop you seeing friends etc. Sometimes it is more subtle. I do not have experience with someone ‘raging’, ager, nor with being a financial drain, but with issues such as silent treatments, constant shifting of affection, hot and cold and other strange behaviours that make me question the truth of anything. I agree it would be really good to address the less ‘extreme’ actions. I sometimes wonder if it isn’t Narcissism if there is no rage, anger, financial draining etc? Ax
My narcissist is back in town and has tried to contact me twice. Even after nearly 3 years it scares me. ..
Cowboy describes my experience perfectly. I read this site for over a year but I was able to continue just enough denial to stay with him because my N did not have rages so must not have qualified. I’ve only recently been able to fully accept that the lies and manipulation and silent treatments were enough. In some way it was more abusive because it was so stealthy and so effective. He created weakness and therefore dependency by quietly eroding my faith in my intuition and my value. In retrospect, he looked deeply into my eyes and said “I love you,” but there was a layer that seemed almost to be challenging me to call him out. And when I did, he played innocent and hurt so that I felt horrible and decided that I was so lucky to have a great guy putting up with me. All the while he was sleeping with every woman who was equally subject to those eyes of seduction. And there were many.
Please address the narcissist who never rages. They are so much harder to spot and even harder to leave for good. Yes. They expertly extract and rely on our self- doubt. Even after we leave.
Yes, Holly and Anouska, some Ns are not “standard” rage/violence/financial parasite type, for sure. Yes, it’s harder to figure them out as they are very skilled at playing an innocent, sweet, smart and loving person. They are very carefull not too show their sulky, quiet anger and silent treatment attacks to the outside world and after a while you think it’s all in your mind, or it’s all your fault because everybody else sees him as a loving and caring partner and a parent. I lived thru almost 20 years of that when more and more things didn’t add up to that loving family man image he was so hard preserving and showing to the outside world. However, even the coolest of the coolest Narcs lose their cool when you confront them. My, once I started to question his actions showed me his ugly site, again not in physical violence but boy, oh boy! Did I ever hear a lot of stuff that I did not in any way deserved, including how he hated the way, I walk, I talk and laugh, how I made him look greedy and bad (Gees! I dared to talk about the divorce with other people!!! What a disgrace to him!!!) Isn’t that weird that any of my physical traits didn’t bother him for so many years and only when I asked for divorce he noticed that he didn’t like any part of me?
He was livid with me for talking to other people about our divorce when at the same time he was working on his new supply and seeing other woman that was close friends with his family. Till this day, I shake my head in disbelief and think how naive and stupid I was thinking that after the divorce emotions settle down we would preserve some kind of decent form of a contact since we have a kid together!!! Savannah, explained that in of her posts that Narcs don’t give you a closure because they lack empathy and they are not, a bit, interested in how you feel and what you think of them once they are done with you. They focus on their new prey and start their all over again.
My xN cultivated and relied on my self doubt. She knew that there were times when her web of lies would fall apart or become so flimsy that even the most trusting soul (me) would question the truth of what she said. Gas lighting was to her partly a game, part of the superiority Ns feel to everyone else but also partly preparation for times when I would question her truthfulness. If she could get me to doubt my own reality, to lose confidence in my ability to know what was true, she could get away with almost anything. Ns tell lies as easily as breathing. Some they seem to really believe: that they are the victim and never at fault. Others they know are lies, but are told with such conviction and are so blatant that they are pure manipulation. I had to go back to childhood experiences to see why I was quick to doubt my own truth, then learn to have confidence in my own version of reality. Another gift of the N, unintended of course: making me learn to be sure footed and secure, strongly rooted in my own truth.
HC
EXCELLENT article! Thank you!
Thank you! Facing and acknowledging denial is a huge thing for me. I still have trouble admitting that it wasn’t that I didn’t see telltale signs but that I did ignore, ignore, ignore and ignore. At times, I would still slip into: “maybe it wasn’t that bad, after all? Maybe it is my fault? Maybe I could’ve fixed it? Other women do! And because they do, they are not lonely. They get to travel to nice exotic places. They don’t have to count every penny.” Deep inside, I know I made a right decision. I know the sweet feeling of making my own decisions and not being ridiculed or punished for doing things I like and enjoy so why, do I sometimes slip in the old whining and attention and love hungry self? Will I be a wounded soul for the rest of my life? When I have these moments of accepting my past and feeling whole and happy, am I denying myself and pretending or am I really whole and happy????
The other day I sat with my photos with the intention of removing all the ex’s photos from the 19 years of being part of my life. Well, I started with throwing out the pictures where he was by himself or with his family, or friends, or just me and him. I looked at the happy family pictures or pictures of him and our son and I thought: “I can’t pretend he was not part of our life! Throwing away pictures does not throw away memories!” Will this ever become easier with time??? It’s been 9 months since our divorce.
I’m glad only some of this is things I have to work with. The one upmanship, lack of empathy. And I’m proud I am not someone who hands to work over. Because I do believe I am capable. And its weird I even THOUGHT about doing that the other day. Handing over my finances. And this is just a reinforcement…NO WAY. I’m going to be the only one here after this. And I will remain in control and just improve my skills. Its good information. As always….thank you.
Dear Savannah, its been 6mths since I asked my partner to leave, I did as you suggested and blocked every avenue of contact…I’ve not heard anything from him since. I acknowledge my codependency. I was sexually abused by my father and eldest brother. I’m doing very well, my only problem is continually thinking about and/or fearing that he’ll show up and I’ll give in again. He has most likely moved on but mAybe not. I’m 70 and he was 48. Thankyou for all your advice.