
I had a reader tell me that a man she had dated had come back into her life. Years ago, this man moved into her home, never paid a dime in rent and never worked a day that they were together. He wasn’t kind to her two children so they left and moved in with her ex-husband. He wanted a new vehicle, but he had bad credit, so he got her to sign a 5 year lease on an SUV for him and within months, he cheated on her and left her for another woman. And now he’s back acting like nothing ever happened and she’s wondering why he’s back and what to do next.
So let’s recap: He brought and contributed nothing to the relationship – except a penis; you put a roof over his head, paid all the bills, got stuck with a 5 year lease on a vehicle that you didn’t want and couldn’t afford and you lost your children in the process.
Almost everyone reading this can see that this guy is bad news, but when we’re in the middle of it and our emotions are involved our judgment gets cloudy and we start rationalizing and making excuses.
The fact that you are even considering letting this guy back into your life again says a great deal about you. Everyone wants their ex to come crawling back and say, “I made a horrible mistake, I love you and I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.” And off you go riding into the sunset. In my blog, Is It Love or are You Seeking Validation, I discuss how people with low self-esteem are constantly trying to get other people to show them their worth. Somewhere in the back of your mind you believe that if this guy changes his mind about you, that that will magically confirm to you that you have value. And then you can say see I told you I was right about me. I am good enough and worthy of your love.
What you should be saying is – you are not worthy of my love. You aren’t focusing on whether or not this relationship is good for you and will add value to your life – you’re just focusing on winning. You have exhibited massive co-dependent-like behaviours. In your past relationship with him, you did all the work, paid all the bills, tried to mend his broken wings and everything was all about him and his problems. You seek relationships with men like this, because it allows you to not focus on what is broken in you. But the bigger question you are asking is why did he come back?
Why do they come back?
The easiest answer is because he can. You have shown him in the past that you are ready and willing to make everything all about him, you have little or no boundaries and you will put up with all sorts of bad behavior. By allowing him to waltz back into your life after the financial and emotional havoc he wrecked, you have shown him that there are no consequences to his behavior.
If I was a gambler I’d put all of my money on –he came back when he did, because the last woman he was with just kicked him to the curb and he was desperately looking for an option. I’d be willing to bet he went through his phone to look up who would be an easy target and you may or may not have been the first person he called.
None of this is about you – his coming back is all about him and what he needs and wants at this moment. Nothing more. This guy doesn’t care about you, if he did he would realize he has nothing to offer you and leave you alone.
Narcissists and Broken Downs lack empathy. They cannot relate to other people’s feelings. So if you’re wondering why someone would deliberately re-enter your life just to mess with you again – that’s how. Narcissists are akin to Psychopaths, they suffer from a personality disorder and personality disorders are not curable, so if you’re holding out hope that this guy will change, you better think again. He came back, because he needed a quick fix and it was your turn in the batting rotation. These guys are users, manipulators and conmen. They know exactly what to say to worm their way back into your affections because they’ve done this dance many times. Don’t fall for it. And believe me he’s probably got another woman or two on stand-by, just in case you come to your senses.
Women often make the mistake of allowing men to pop in and out of their lives. It reminds me of those old Charlie Brown cartoons where Charlie Brown wants to kick the football and Lucy always assures him that it will be different this time – that this time she will hold the football in place for him, but as he runs toward the ball, she pulls it away and he lands flat on his back. How many times will you allow this guy to mistreat you, before you realize that he is just dangling the illusion of the relationship you want in front of you, so that he can get what he wants in the present and every time you run towards it he pulls it away and down you go flat on your back again.
Co-dependents are so concerned with other people’s feelings, that they cannot wrap their head around why, when they give someone so much of themselves – their love, bodies, money and concern, would it not be reciprocal? How can someone take and take and never give and never appreciate all that you’ve done?
These types of men are like leeches, they are just in it for themselves and whatever they can take from you. They behave like this because there is something wrong with them – they lack a moral compass. They are not operating with the same emotional equipment that you are. They are missing a piece or two. It’s not that they haven’t found the right woman. They were broken before they met you and they will continue to be broken long after you’re gone.
Don’t Confuse Sex with Love
Science has proven that when women have an orgasm they produce a powerful hormone called Oxytocin. This has been referred to as the bonding hormone. It’s the same hormone produced when a woman gives birth to a child. Oxytocin is not produced when men orgasm. So while you are lying there glowing in the aftermath, feeling connected, know that with these types of men, the feeling is not mutual. To these guys sex is just another tool in their arsenal of manipulation. Don’t get it confused.
In the last conversation I had with my ex-Narcissist I told him that every time I engage with him I always feel like I’ve been burned. And I made it very clear to him, that the consequences of treating me poorly were that he no longer gets to be a part of my life.
These days I evaluate relationships a lot differently than I have in the past. The first question I consider is – Will you add value to my life? And I am constantly on the lookout for kindness and reciprocity. I don’t put all of my emotional eggs into one basket right out of the hop. Instead, I realize that it takes time to truly get to know someone and I proceed slowly and cautiously. If I see signs of user mentality or disrespect I’m not afraid to walk.
Experience has taught me that you set the tone of your relationship within the first couple of months. All men will test you, to see just how much bull you’ll put up with. But like I’ve said before, men like women, who have boundaries and men respect women that respect themselves. If you show a man that you are a doormat, don’t be surprised if he treats you like a doormat.
The Narcissists and users of the world are especially good at recognizing the types of women that will be susceptible to their forms of abuse. Don’t be one of them.
You asked me what I thought you should do with this guy, that’s easy – if you want this guy’s respect, kick him to the curb with the rest of the garbage – that, he will respect. I guarantee it.
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Thank you this helped me a lot. I have been going through a similar things for last 8 years. Last time he came back wanted everything the same however no sex. He. Is younger than me. A week ago he disappeared again still not a word from him. I moved his stuff into my storage and turned his phone off. This article helped me understand WTF.
In this situation I agree that this man has nothing to offer except sex. However, this does not hold true for everyone. I am a woman that likes to date young men. In my situation they float in and out because of their age and like myself do not want a commitment and I’m pretty relaxed that way. I’m happy. If I should ever devlop feelings for someone, no, I would not tolerate floating. It would interfere the momentum of a budding relationship.
I completely agree with August!!! I had a spiritual, physical and emotional connection with him and I think it scared him.
I hate that people always assume that you have low self esteem. Sometimes it’s just because you want to be with that one person and no one else so it makes it harder to let go. So every time they return it feels like a new opportunity to get it right this time and finally have the relationship you want. I have very high self esteem– I’m attractive, out going, educated, I have a good career, my own everything, I’m caring, fun, adventurous—but I’m just tired of always starting over with someone new. I’m tired of the whole “get back out there and try it again. There’s someone out there for you.” I just want to be with one person who I am comfortable with who makes the relationship feel secure. Men come with so much baggage nowadays, it’s exhausting. Maybe it’s me, I don’t know, but I’m tired of blaming myself for why it feels so hard. I know women with far more issues than I do and they find love so I refuse to blame myself. I know I’m wonderful the way I am, I am enough and I have a lot to offer but I’m tired. I think that’s why I keep waiting for him and I keep letting him come back. Because once I give up on him, I don’t know if I’ll have it in me to give anyone else a chance ever again. People make love so much harder than what it needs to be. We are all paying for the mistakes of past lovers and past hurt and it’s never fair.
August being tired of starting over with someone else isn’t a realistic reason for sticking around when someone keeps blowing hot and cold. Really think about why you keep engaging in a relationship like this – the reason isn’t, you think it’ll be right this time – keep digging – keep reading.
I read the earlier post about the narcissist and how he never worked. I was in the same situation when I first met my narcissist he was just coming to visit for a few days , then all of a sudden he told me that I worked too hard , and that I should have a man or a friend to help me out and that he wanted to take care of me financially because I was a single mother . He told me how much money he made being a welder and he also was a professional hairstylist and worked in a lot of salons a long time ago and at one point, yes he did have a really nice house and nice cars about 10 years ago , but he sold everything for drugs .
when he met me he told me that all he needed was a nice woman like me an honest , loyal , beautiful woman like me , and that he could have some motivation and something to work hard for . So, for the next four months I kept waiting for him to finally get a job while I went through my retirement savings ,and then I went through my daughters savings.
All the while, he kept telling me that he would easily pay me back and that we should just take it easy and enjoy being with each other since we were soulmates and had gone through a lot of stress.
The day came that I had five dollars left in my bank account and all my bills were due. Instead of him going to look for a job , he told me to go apply for food stamps and then he called my mortgage and got my mortgage extended another four months by claiming hardship .
I had faithfully paid ahead and always on time on my mortgage for 10 years , so they allowed this.
This began two years of having my house always on the verge of foreclosure , my car it was a reposessed four different times, and the only way to get it back was to borrow money from my parents and my friends who felt sorry for me and my daughter .
I kept begging my narcissist to just let me go to work and each time he would say ” why why do you want to go to work, are you going to try to meet someone ?” …. and that I would never make as much money as he could make if he just worked.
He then pretended to look for a job using my car every day for two months disappearing for 10 hours . At one point he even got a job, but he only went to work for two weeks and then never gave me any of the money. Come to find out he had been going to meet another girl who was buying hotel rooms and drugs for them to do all day. Granted during this time he pretended to be sober and constantly talked to me about God and sobriety.
He always talked about being a family guy and being a hard worker and just needing the right job.
His excuse was that he wasn’t going to take a job that didn’t pay him enough or a job that was too far away.
When I finally had enough and I went out and got a job I was only allowed to go for a couple of days and each time I came home he would be waiting , with a huge fight and accusing me of cheating , and trying to leave him and taking the man’s role.
So once again I quit my job to let him try to find a job and once again he found a very well-paying job at a salon making 300 or $400 a day . he went to work for two weeks again and then started using drugs behind my back with the same girl. I made him leave and go to his moms house to go to rehab. He never really ever apologized for relapsing or lying to me , or meeting that girl behind my back . Whenever I tried to bring it up and get an apology or an explanation of how we could look me into my eyes and lied to me every day for two months instead of apologizing he would just get angry at me and blame me , because somehow it was my fault for not having faith in him, it was my fault for questioning his sobriety , it was my fault for going to work and leaving him all alone with nothing to do . So of course he was going to use drugs. To this day he still tries to come back and live with me and talks about all the money he’s going to make once he gets a job and how much money I owe him for all the bills that he paid while he was here , what a joke .
I have been going through hell the past two weeks because I refuse to let him come back because he did not go to rehab he still does not have a job and he still calls me horrible names when I bring up all of the things that he stole from me and the money that he owes me and the lies that he told me . i’m not sure what I love about him anymore because I do not trust him he never took care of me, my daughter saw a horrible fights, and he assaulted me the first time that I caught him texting the other girl. I let him come back after he spent four months in jail because he swore that Jill had changed him and he realized how horrible he had been treating me. The only time he ever apologize to me was when he was in jail because… Guess who had money and got a job and could pay his bond ? as soon as he came back to me instead of paying the $4000 bond, he blamed me for the entire fight and said I provoked him and that I caused him all of these legal problems .
part of me really does miss him because it was nice having someone around me all the time, but when I think of all of the horrible things that he said and did to me and never knowing if he was lying to me or if he was going to end up chasing me around and screaming horrible names at me because he had a bad day or because I said something he didn’t like . I ended up just hiding out in my room for months because we never had money to do anything and because anytime I did leave my room he would find something that I did wrong . Wether it was cooking thevwrong way or how long I took in the bathroom , he always accused me of somehow being mean to him.
This was just all justification ( these fights) so he could take off in my car during a fight , or go have a friend pick him up suddenly. I started to notice that almost every Friday night he would start a fight with me so he could disappear for the entire weekend . Im sure he was going off to cheat or use drugs . At the time though, I really tried to fix all the things that he said I was doing wrong. I basically had to act like a brainless zombie , doing and saying nothing , to keep him from starting a huge scary fight. but as we all know these narcissists will then find something else to fight about or blame us for. At first he was mad when I wanted to go out with my friends or when I wanted to read or have hobbies because I wasn’t paying attention to him. Then I gave up all my hobbies and friends and just had to wait for him to pay attention to me. Then he started telling me how boring I was and how I didn’t do anything or have any friends .
I was never good enough . He could end up calling me a whore bitch and sayyng that I was disrespectful if I asked him to take off his muddy boots inside the house. He’d always say, You could say it nicer, you could be nicer to me!
He wanted me to talk to him like he was a baby and I was his mother. not to mention his mother made excuses for all of his bad behavior and always told me to try harder because her son was a great guy .
I saw why he was the way he was.
I had to get a protective order to get him out , but now hes been knocking on my door or showing up again , because it expired .
He is very angry that I wont give him another chance , since he says that he didnt do anything wrong. Then he says that I must be out sleeping with a ton of guys. He also said he was glad that I misscarried because I was such a bitch when I was pregnant that no man would stay with me.
on a positive note, It takes all the strength I have not to call him and tell him that I’m not with other guys , and that Im sad too. But deep down, I know he isn’t sad, he just misses being able to control me and use my car and house.
I have to keep replaying all of the things he said and did to me, so I dont cave and let him come spend the night. I realize that I , just as much as he, needs counseling for allowing myself to be treated this way . That is what I spend my free time with. Reading about codependency, going to Alanon, and keeping positive so I never have to feel as bad as I did when I was with him.
These guys will never feel bad, or change for very long. They are always the victims and will make any excuse in order to not accept responsibility for anything.
Hi,
I have tears in my eyes right now reading this. This is my life for 4 years now.
Right now, last night he dissapered for about 3 hours…mid conversation. I called him twice and txt him 2 times too. My last txt was why do you always do this to me, you really don’t care about me do you, if ur to busy you can still txt and let me know.
A hour later he txt back saying wtf, you basically accusing me of lying when in fact I was asleep I’m am over this and I’m done with us. keep in mind it was 7pm at night and we had been conversating all night theb all of a sudden when i question where he had gone to he says that. Today I apologized as I always do….and he txt back saying that we are over…we need to face facts that we are done, im not talking about this anymore ive said my bit. I am speechless over txt…. again…..6th time that he/I have ended it but we always come back together. He’s so hot & cold,when he’s good we are soooooo good together but when he’s bad we are bad. He suffers from depression too but has a good idea of when that is sneaking up on him.
Since I’ve known him he’s had 6 jobs, 5 cars and is about 40k in debt within 2 years. Currently he’s just started another one and I’m wondering if that’s the reason for this behavior?
I just need answers….he was mean last week leading up to this…but which he apologized for later on. But now this, after what I said last night. He’s gone…..? Am I just choosing not to see what I need to see?
All I can say is OMG! AND wow! idid 20 years time with my N. Been divorced 2 mos. and on the final I stayed at home smiling like the cat that ate the carnary, I was so obnoxious with joy i was afraid someone was going to beat the hell out of me! I can say this is the 1st time in my life I have ever been happy and ok to be by myself.
I just ended my relationship with a narcissistic idiot after 4 years…I changed my number and email…however I am pretty darn sure he will come to my home unannounced. I am trying to break free! This article was a dead on by the way.
how to know if your man is really a narcissist. he used to go crazy when he wouldnt see me a day now he can go months without seeing me and he comes back like he never left. In fact, he’s playing with my heart but always finds a way back to me I don’t understand why he wont pick me 🙁
We were dating for 3 years until he changed
I have been dealing with this for three years.Every time he comes back he seems to stay longer and open up more.As I grow stronger I’m realizing he can’t change.He blames his crazy ex or his business anything but himself. He got involved with an old friend from the city( but couldn’t keep away from me) he lied to her the entire time they were together. Like a fool I allowed myself to stay in that pain.He dumped her, and I wanted to reach out to her so badly. Not sure how to handle this any more( as my children love him dearly) He has a daughter that lives out of state and I have a strong feeling he is lying to her mother.Im hoping she is smart and figures him out, before she falls as deeply as I have….widow in C.T.
I had no idea how many others have gone thru the same crap I have.I didn’t even know what a narcissist was tell I read your web page i dated this guy for 4 1/2yrs unemployed,selfish,lying,cheating addict..oh and the best part he left me shortly after I lost my job of 12yrs shocker!! Its been a year since and he continues to come over uninvited to my house every other week always wants something and sex.I am happy to say I am moving in the next two weeks and I am not leaving a forwarding address, changing my cell#, &cutting all ties to end the cycle and finally be able to move on !!!
My narcissist is one of the worse, and make it so bad, I had already married a narcissist. my recent experience with one, really got under my skin, to the point I could never ever sleep with him again, I mean never. He lier to me abut having women in rotation, I found out by being confronted by both women. One went on to harass and stalk me for months, til I got police after her. she even tried to attack me and we sort of got in a fight and see injured him trying to get to me. Well when I told him I got police on her, he suddenly rushed off cell and went missing.
It took me sometime to figure out what the hell is going on
He sees the one girl Mondays -Wednesdays every othe week and me after her and the crazy one after. His weekends is reserved for me only.
Im someone who doesn’t like to jump to conclusion so I took sometime to figure it out, keeping track of the evidence i saw of the second girl and what the other one told me and he admitted to.
After all that I decided to not have sex with him and pull back.
he used me to get popular with guys. I’m a very attractive hour glass built woman who keep in shape. He wants me for arm candy and great sex.
I cut all that off. The problem is he told everyone we know he was my man, and got cool with them, and narcissist always play victim, so I’m sure he is blaming our so called breaks on me
He has tried everything to make me think I’m the problem, when he is.
Well, I have Removed every narcissist I know
The guy I was seeing is using my drivers license as a way to see me. I left it by accident, and twice he avoided giving it to me during the day, and why? Cause he wants to see me on weekends at night on my days in the rotation.
Ladies, please let go of these guys. Im so fed up, that it doesn’t matter if they speak to me, I will never give back in and sleep with one again.
Some women like me have control over our emotions, all it takes is 3 days of no contact with me,and I’m over the entire desire part.
But I was raised old fashion in many ways and saved myself for marriage after one mistake in my teens. So I leared young to not let my emotions control my urged and cloud my judgment. I was also raised by men, so I knew the games early on.
To get over narcissist, remove all evidence of them in your cell and house, avoid all places you went with them. Do things you love, often and many things. Date at least twice, but no sex. do this over at least 2 weeks. You will see your connection is not as Strong. Stand your ground, and do not see him during this time. If you have any respect for yourself, keep comverasation brief, only about minute or twothis should be more than enough time to break away intimately from the jerk.
My narcissist, will call and immediately say ‘I miss you, do you hear me” I will not reply and only ask if he called to give me my things..etc” the sound of his voice makes me want to scream. all I want is my important things I left at his house, and let him go on with his narcissistic life.
A man got one time to continue hurting me, and he can kiss my heart and vaginal goodbye
I like your idea of Broken Downs. This explains one man I still have feelings for – I think he is, like me, autistic, but not diagnosed: I see him as what I would call a Bitter Aspie (Aspie is a nickname we use – short for Asperger’s Syndrome, a type of autism). People who have found life so hard, so bitterly cold and lonely, they become enraged and unkind. Not manipulative at all – he hasn’t the social skills for that. But he’d be all close and friendly for a while, then – BANG! – gone. Like my Narc ex but for a different reason.
What the precise diagnosis is does not matter that much to me. Simply – men who don’t want to be with me though I love them, and who lack the kindness to deal with me kindly (which would also include not taking advantage of my love of them).
Men who can never love me, and on whom my love is wasted.
Not their fault or mine. I think we’re all broken, in this.
my experience is pretty parallel with yours.tho I have a different view of why it happens. In.hindsight (of course) I am.aware my personality has disintergrated and my life….relationships. my interests have warped and.fragmented. And here.I an 4+ yrs later , having left this guy 20 times..and endured all the humiliations headfks and bewilderment cruelty emotional.neglect that is standard. I now.know exactly where.his head is at..dont help much tho..by now I suffer PTSD..so the littlest trigger and I relive it all. I dont even.like him.that much..hes as dumb as a.brick for.one thing..but fatally often great to Fk. Anyway I refuse tp believe there is.something in me that caused me to be here..except an.open.and.trusting heart ..a reckless tendancy for adbenture..a determination to get what I wanted (still naive then)….and a belief that people no matter how apparently unsuited come together for a reason..to fix ourselves and self actualise…even narcs..tho they dont know it since they dont self.reflect. i been to hell and back but I habe grown emotionally I am.stronger and I have greater empathy and an less impressed by the world. my thinking is deeper my many new intetests are broad and fascinating to me..lyrics and poetry and music are more meaningful to me. I know myself better..You cant touch.me…I seen it all.
Kare Berzin while I don’t believe that all victims of Narcissists are co-dependent I don’t think your difficulty arises from PTSD. I was in a fatal car accident several years ago that took the life of my mother. We were cut off by a transport truck and hit the guard rail. To this day when I pass a transport truck on the highway my heart races, I feel panic and the scene of the accident flashes in my mind. That’s PTSD. PTSD would explain why you would fear and avoid a situation, it doesn’t explain why you would keep returning to one – codependency does that.
Thank you. Easy reading and understanding. I feel sad about women who marry these men. This guy I dated was married. Forgive me Jesus.
I had been on/off with my Narc for over a year. His last disappearing act lasted 6 months. After a brief reconnect with him, I sent him the following email:
“I never thought I would be writing you this. I took some time to really think about the man I loved. The man who once made me feel like the most intelligent, beautiful woman in the world. There was a time when I thought our love would stand the test of time and nothing could come between us. I realized after our last phone call, the months have chipped away at our relationship and there is nothing left to hold on to.
The way things are now, we could no longer be a positive influence in each other’s life. We would make each other miserable instead of happy, and make life harder rather than easier. How many times have we said we have had enough and never wanted to see each other again, only to kiss and make up, then try again? Well, someone has to be the one to say enough is enough and I am doing it now. This time I am not coming back.
I deserve to be with someone who loves me as much as they love themselves, respects me and will stand by me, no matter what.
Goodbye.”
He responded to this email by saying…”Now that was a meaningful close. I’m OK with that. Just so you know I’m still here to talk to.”
Did he genuinely take this as me not wanting anything to do with him? His comment about still being here to talk to makes me wonder if he’ll try to come back at some point in the future.
Panda in your phrase, “the way things are now,” and his comment “I’m still here to talk,” it sounds like both of you are leaving the door open. If you really want rid of him then no contact is the only way to go. He definitely still thinks your still an option and he more than likely will try again at some point – he’s done it before. What you should be focusing on is how easy you make it for him to just prance in and out whenever it suites him and how he expects you to drop everything and rush to be with him. You should be mad. The only way this ends is when you decide to end it. No contact is how you make sure he doesn’t come back.
Hi I would like to know ;does this applies to females as well?(no offence to anyone).I m in touch with this female,married ,two daughters,staying with husband.She says she loves me,talks to me .However she comes leaves then patches up again.This happened around three times in last 4 years.She comes shows love the after few months or so she acts indifferent and breaks up.She is z45 and I m
Vic 100% yes it does apply to women as well.
Just wanted to say thank you for this post. It really helped me.
THANKS YOU OPEN UP MY EYES
I ended my 6 year relationship (finally) with my N about a week ago. He is a mostly cerebral N and I figured he would just ignore me after the breakup as I knew he was on the verge of another discard so I pulled the plug first to beat him to it.
He went so out of character and (raged) showed up at my house a few days ago with my roommates boyfriend in tow, threw 1 set of my keys on the counter (when he actually has 2 sets) and said “here are your keys. I don’t want them anymore”. When he did this he woke me from sleep so I immediately jumped up and followed him out the door where he absolutely ignored me and wouldn’t respond to me asking what was going on. Two days later he sent me texts saying that what he did was “out of character” and that he was “in a daze” and that the situation “felt like an out of body experience”. I completely ignored him. Next day he sent “you’ll always have a place in my heart” crap via text. I still ignored him until today when I absolutely had to email him regarding financial business we have to finish. He replied with the info. Then I told him he could come by to pick up his things and drop off bank cards and that I would be out all evening.
So he wrote another email saying “I’m sorry about the other night. That was extreme and unnecessary. There was no reason for me not to be civil about it. I will definitely have to pay a karmic penance for it.
I want to go in peace. I want the best for you. I want to remember the good times. I want to be conscious of your impact on my life.
It is time for us to move on. We impacted each other’s lives in a very meaningful way.” Blah, blah, blah, more of the same idea.
The email did seem almost normal though which has confused me.
Savannah, what’s his angle? This kinda threw me for a loop.
Apparently I read your advice and can’t put it into action. I relapsed AGAIN with the same Narc I got involved with in 2008!! This is a debilitating disease of the heart and mind. He is an active drunk who somehow convinces me he is sober. His talk is… he’s working on going back to college (he’s 53), looking for a job and now he is homeless again! I set a boundary THIS TIME and didn’t give him a key or let him move in – THANK GOD! He blew my phone up all morning at work when I finally answered. Him: “Hi, I got kicked out of my apartment.” Me: “Why?” Him: “They always do something wrong; I’m always right.” Seriously?! His roommate, whom he has nothing nice to say about, has lived there for 6 years. My Narc has lived there for less than a week. He had just moved in from another temp residence. You’d think he’d get tired of moving. I stupidly bought him a blender as a “housewarming” gift. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB! I told him today that he would have to figure out his living arrangements himself. He replied, sarcastically, “Thanks for your support.” (sarcasm is a Narc trait) Had I said, “oh baby why don’t you move back in with me?”, I would have been his best friend in the whole world (narc supply).
I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF!!!!!!!
I’m getting ready to leave on a trip to visit my grandchildren and I AM NOT going to let him hinder me. I am sick and need mental support of anyone out there who has conquered this. When is enough ENOUGH?!
I had to write as I am wide awake not able to get back to sleep thanks to the latest incident with my (ex?)-N. He texted yesterday saying he would like to think we could still be friends and no hard feelings. I eventually texted him back late last night saying I’d like to think a lot of things….such as that he’d meant all the love he’d expressed, and that we’d think about when we met as he’d always said we should remember. Also that he’d recall the feel of our love, but ….there we go’. After sending the text I turned my phone off as I was sure I’d get a nasty, cold text back which – even though I shouldn’t allow to hurt me, would like hell. I turned my phone on again late this afternoon, feeling sick at what I may find. He’d sent a softer text back saying he had to admit he loved that side of things but he couldn’t cope with the extra pressure of arguing especially with the {financial} strain he’s under at the moment x’. I have to admit that I was so relieved to read a non-inflammatory text from him – almost conciliatory in fact, considering he’d ditched me by text and told me to leave him alone and find someone who gives a damn 3 weeks ago. I deliberated all evening over whether to reply – my gut wanted to at least acknowledge it as it had been a nice text, for him lately anyway. But – he always goes out on a Saturday night, never takes me, hates me even mentioning it or asking questions – has always said it’s just his domain, everyone there knows he’s in love with me and I shouldn’t make such a big deal about it’. So with this in mind, I didn’t want to antagonise him by texting this evening before he went out in case he saw it as me trying to get in his head space while he was out trying to unwind. When we were together before, often I’d send a brief text when I went to bed for him to receive when he got in. He would usually reply when he got in. But tonight I didn’t as, again, I didn’t want to seem desperate for his attention and clingy, the second I received a bit of ‘encouragement’ from him, as he has said once before I was being too needy. Oh boy – did I pay for this, for not texting him. I was woken by a text coming through at 3.15am from him saying ‘Just f***ing shows how much you really care! You haven’t even bothered to check your texts to see if I have replied!!!!!!!! Hope he’s got a bigger ****! Bye!!
I stayed in this evening, as usual on a Saturday night, am not the least bit interested in any other guy and had actually spent way more time than I should have had to, worrying about whether or not I should have acknowledged his ‘nice’ text earlier. I’ve not been able to get back to sleep and am now just kicking myself for ‘getting it wrong’. I should have texted, then I could have avoided upsetting him again…… and this is how the train of thought goes. Savannah, your articles are so helpful. Are you able to give me any tips here for how I handle things tomorrow. I texted back tonight through half awake eyes that it wasn’t a very nice text to be woken up by. Said I hadn’t wanted to bug him on a Sat night before he went out – is why didn’t reply. Texted him again later saying I was unable to get back to sleep for thinking about his horrible angry text. There was no call for it at all and I hoped it was just the alcohol talking. I’m pretty sure I’ll get sh*tty aggressive texts from him tomorrow – when I should be getting an apology. Why am I feeling though that I am in the wrong and that I therefore CAUSED him to rage at me like that??!! He was the one who went out til 3am, getting pissed and who knows what, 3 weeks after telling me to leave him alone – then comes in and flies off the handle at me for not having replied to his text earlier. A normal, decent guy would NOT react like this would they?! In my stupid naïve head, I thought…I won’t bug him tonight. He’ll go out, thinking nicer thoughts about me as he’s starting to soften, and as hasn’t heard from me might appreciate that I’m not hassling him, giving him space, he may even text me when he gets in to say he was missing me and had thought about me all evening, {as he has texted on many Saturday nights before}. I could scream – my head feels like a plate of tangled spaghetti inside. I would really appreciate a hint of advice here…
Wow Katie – just wow. It sounds like you’ve analyzed the situation, then analyzed it some more and then you’ve analyzed your analysis – and now you want me to analyze your situation. I think you already know the answer – deep down you know this relationship isn’t good for you. You know you aren’t being treated with love and respect. You really need to stop analyzing the little things and start looking at the bigger picture. Look at how much of your brain space you are spending on trying to figure him out – what will please him – what won’t set him off – how to get him to be nice to you, when you should be spending your time on activities and people that make you feel good.
In my blog Are you Mistaking Intensity for Intimacy I talk about how relationships that have just beginnings and endings with little or no middle, are indicative of someone that doesn’t do intimacy – it’s in the middle where relationships evolve and it’s in the middle where intimacy grows. This guy sounds like he doesn’t do intimacy and all you will ever have with him is a bunch of starts and stops and all at his whim. Look at your behavior – he’s your entire focus. You don’t go out on a Saturday night (to not upset him?) while you know he’s out doing God knows what, with God knows who – is this really the life you want? Always wondering – never feeling secure – always waiting for the shoe to drop?
When we don’t feel good about ourselves and believe that we don’t deserve better, we can justify all kinds of bad behavior – we become masters at it. We don’t make an issue out of things we know we should – just so we don’t cause another fight – this means his bad behavior goes unchecked without any consequences. Do you notice that the moment you act a little independently or bring up his behavior he attacks you. This is a control mechanism. Whether or not either of you are aware of it – he is teaching you not to question what he does – if you do and if you give him any guff about what he does, or who he does it with – there will be consequences – he will be mean – he will attack you – he will abandon you. He has trained you well – look at you – you don’t go out – you let him say and do whatever he wants without any consequences – you let him disrespect you – all the while you are a compliant, obedient girlfriend praying for his return. He even has you questioning whether or not you’re allowed to feel the way you do. If you are asking my advice Katie I think you already know where I’m going with this…. there is nothing here for you except more pain. You already know what you should do.
Wow katie this guy sounds like my ex creep. His initials are not RS..lol. He may try you, but just remember he will resort back. Wash, rinse and repeat! Always.
I have just read the post from ‘You’re Beautiful’ and identify so much with what you say. I have been in a relationship with my narcissist for over 2 years & on a huge emotional rollercoaster ride the whole time. But I too left a wonderful kind, giving, amazing husband – as we had some issues that I didn’t think could be resolved – to make myself available for this N. So I know what a healthy relationship looks like – this one makes my stomach churn most of the time. The N told me he wanted to marry me and he never thought he’d ever feel that way for anyone ever again – having been divorced 25 years ago. He pushed me and pursued me – we used to meet up and talk for hours, we felt so close. I had never felt this way about any man either in 25 years of adult relationshiops. I wouldn’t sleep with him as I didn’t want to just have an affair, I wanted to wait until the path was really clear for us. He gave me ultimatums, that until I’d done this, done that, we couldn’t see each other again and when I was completely available we could start a proper relationship. When I’d finally moved out of my lovely marital home into a horrible rented place, at last free to be his, within 2 weeks he was picking arguments and being cold. Surprise surprise!! That was 19 months ago. He has consistently messed with my heart – broken up with me 5 times now – but declared more and more that he loves me so much and we are so entwined that he has no choice but to love me, even if he wanted to walk away he couldn’t. Just 5 weeks ago he was talking about how he might propose, saying it will happen. But he ditched me by text nearly 3 weeks ago now after the most trivial row you can imagine, just 5 days after telling me how happpy he was to have me and how he loves me. In his ditching text told me it had been coming to an end for a very long time – but this does not tally with all his declarations of love and his talk of our future. Having experienced all the pain and many many many weekends without him – as he would go out almost every Saturday night and NEVER took me – I still feel utterly broken and in such pain now. I too can’t comprehend anything. I am not eating & feel permanently sick, thinking about the loss. I know this makes me sound pathetic & weak. I have always been known as a strong person within my family & in the workplace, pretty feisty and stand up for myself. How and why I have been reduced to such jelly by this man – though he is definitely more a child in a man’s body – I just don’t know. He texted yesterday saying he hopes no hard feelings and hopes we can be friends. No reference at all or apology for that last dumping text to me telling me to leave him alone and go and find someone else who gives a damn etc. Honestly though – I don’t know where to go for help. Anyone who knows me must just think I’m an idiot to put up with him and to miss him?! So I stay alone, and as I write, my hands are literally shaking from stress.
I read all of Katie’s post with regards to should she text? Should she not? Etc. Savannah made the points but I just have some here to add.
It made me sad to see so much energy being wasted on some guy where the woman is left wondering what should she do? Everything Katie is saying I can completely identify with b/c it reminds me of how I was with my ‘friendship’ N. We were not in a romantic relationship but I remember wondering, why? why? why? As if any relationship is meant to be composed of these psychological contrivances and dissecting of motives.
I used to literally be sick to my stomach, dreading an email from him and then dreading not getting that email. Once my N ‘friend’ sent me a nasty email while my mom was visiting and the entire night when she and I went out, it ruined me. She noticed I was not myself, all b/c of his accusations about something he composed in his head. Paranoia, anyone?
So what would I do in this ‘friendship’? I would worry about what to say, what not to say, will he think I mean this, will he think I mean that, will he react coldly, etc. So much of my mood at the time was dependent upon his actions and his treatment towards me, and Katie has the same thing going here.
It’s just not right. No one should have the power to make your hands shake with nerves, unless you’re reading a letter from your boss and he is firing you or if you’ve come to realize you’ve lost a lawsuit or your house is getting foreclosed. Certainly NOT from a boyfriend or friend.
One of the things this site has allowed me to do is to retrospectively examine past relationships and I can see that one of my friends from college was involved with an N and sounded very much like Katie’s N.
The fact too that Katie didn’t respond to his text, thinking she didn’t want to upset him, only to then be punished for it–damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t–it’s like trying to get into the mind of a crazy person. I’ve done the same thing and going NC finally allowed me to cut his toxic rationalizations from my head and put my needs 1st.
It’s so easy to see the abuse as a 3rd party but I know how hard it is when you’re the one stuck making rationalizations, hoping that he really does care, when in fact, he cares not.
I must be the most stupid person in the world. 8 painful years and I am working on my Masters in Forensic Psych I know so much about what my N is and why he does what he does but it’s been so long I don’t know what real feels like. I know he cheated on me on three years ago but recently I have been feeling like he is with someone else again but everytime he comes by to see me it stupidly feels like a win for me “he choose me tonight”. Our 8 year anniversay was last week and he was at his mom’s because he threw out his back and I asked if he wanted me to come by he said no he was ok. The next day he text me and asked if I wanted to go on a cruise for our anniversary since we didn’t get to celebrate. I said yes and that I would check on the details when I got home. That weekend was Easter and I was super busy so I was checking on cruises but had to make sure it didn’t interfere with my school and he never called me about anything. That night at 2am he showed up and I was exhausted have Easter Dinner eggs kids cleaning and guests etc. and having to get up and go to work. He wanted sex and I was just too exhausted plus 2am I am not a booty call. I apologized told him I loved him and for him to just stay. But he got up an left. The next morning he called me and we spoke like everthing was ok and then he text me and told me he was moving in with the other woman from 3 years ago. This is bring up all the horrible things the two of them put me through before.
He may not be capable of human emotion but I am not capable of dealing with this. I know loving him is insane. And this is just the every latest in a long history of horrible things he has done to me. It hurts most because I left a wonderful husband to be with him my marriage wasn’t perfect but I knew that I mattered. I am ignoring him and my niece and her boyfriend are intervening for me and giving him his stuff for me but I want him back, when does that stop??? When he is with me I am miserable but I think that has become my calm my peace because when he leaves I stop eating can’t focus I become obsessed with him and try to fix myself to make him want me more. I am intelligent and I see everything you are saying but I can’t feel it. My heart is too broken it can’t comprehend that all that love it gave was never returned. I have a beutiful daughter who deserves a better mom than one that sleeps all day and is weak. I know that revenge is not the answer and at least in my case ignoring him only makes his resolve to get me back stronger. And it is as though he knows just how long to stay away before I am strong enough to resisit him. I don’t think everyone who gets away from a N survives.
I need to see this today. I have been in and out of a toxic relationship with a Narcissist and active alcoholic who is also bipolar(!!!) for 6 years! Each time I “throw the trash out”, he reappears. Just like he did last week. Unbelievable! I said no contact and he hands me his number, says maybe we can meet for coffee (sex). He is doing well, blah, blah, blah. He has an arrest record. We are both in our 50’s and I have never loved ANYONE this strongly in my life! He is poison to me. Can’t keep a job, finish school, or stay sober! After reading this I realize it’s ME I have to fix; not him. Thank You!
Marcy read my blogs on Trauma Bonds and the one entitled Are you Mistaking Intensity for Intimacy – they may help you understand what’s happening.
For 2.5 years I have chosen to be with a narcissist. I have 4 college degrees, have been financially on my own since graduating from high school at 17, and I’m a single mom. I’ve owned 3 properties. I’ve paid off 4 cars. And yet, I attracted an immature narcissist who is a basketball coach 3 months out of the year, has had 5 different jobs since I met him, and has now decided to become a rock star – at 30 years old. His parents paid for his college. When I met him, he told me he had 2 roommates – I later learned that they were mom and dad. When I read these stories I cry when I see the similarities or know in my heart that he’s having sex with other women (I’ve seen his profiles on several dating sites) while telling me that I’m his “dream come true” and him asking me to marry him. It’s confusing for me because I want to understand “why?” I have to realize that there is no answer and leave it as it is. I also feel sorry for him at times because I know it’s a disorder and that he can’t control it, it’s how he’s wired. The only thing I now for sure is that it hurts like hell!!!
Savannah, is financial ruin/leeching common in narcissistic relationships? Is it more common in a specific sub-type? Hard for me to imagine that a somatic-dominant narcissist would financially leech off a woman (but I could be wrong).
My narcissist ex was very similar to the man in this story. After he moved in (but before I discovered his true colors) he walked out on a job, rarely paid rent, played video games and drank all day. It didn’t matter that I had to go work the next day — everything was all about him, he would prevent me sleeping and then get upset when I was tired and grumpy from working all day. How dare I!
When he did pay rent, he’d try to find a way to negotiate it down, and try to give me $50 to $100 less than he was supposed to. There was always SOMETHING he HAD to buy — he had no concept of basic money management, credit, etc. He refused to open a bank account and cashed his checks at liquor stores (classy!) His mother felt this was her fault, because she financially supported him well past the age of 21 — and he opted to not go to college when he could have.
As an aside, he sold himself to me as a hard-worker and told me how much money made per-hour, very early on when we met (a huge red flag I ignored).
I found my debt piling up, and I was unable to use MY money to purchase what I wanted for MYSELF, like a decent new pair of heels.
I finally realized my life felt like I had adopted a teenage son that I didn’t want — except this loser was in his mid-30s (my age). I’ve taken accountability for what I’ve allowed, finally kicked him out and am reclaiming my life.
Luckily, I never made a big purchase for him in my name and didn’t marry him (thank God!)so I am not responsible for his credit. I was able to get out and finally get my accounts out of the red and in the black.
So again, I am curious if there is a certain narcissist sub-type that is pre-disposed to being a lazy, P.O.S. who expects his target to support him. I’m also curious to hear how many other survivors here supported their narcissists, gave him money, and so forth.
Narc Repellent he sounds like he could be an Inverted Narc – this type wants to be taken care of. They don’t want responsibility. They look for a strong, intelligent, successful partner that can run the show, while they don’t contribute and have an, ‘it’s all about me’ party. They will have some type of ailment that they need to nurse, or need you to nurse, which is the reason why they can’t ever be what you want them to be.
Hi what do you do when your ex contacts your brother to tell you his mum had died suddenly. I was very close to her but had no contact for 6 months she didn’t want to stop contact I had to. Am torn do I go the funeral for his mum and dad or just stay away. I don’t want him to think am there for him just his family any help would be much appreciated thanks xx
I’d been wondering how to handle it if my no-contact narcissist phoned out of the blue. Thanks to your article Savannah, it was a great reminder that I don’t need to show him the courtesy of explanation that he never showed me. So, if I hear his voice I will just quietly replace the receiver without saying anything. Anything else will be an invitation to be manipulated and lied to again, and I’m never going to give him that chance again.
Have an iPhone? After changing his contact name to “Toxic Narcissist,” “Do Not Pick Up,” “Douche of Year,” etc., you can scroll down and enable “Block This Caller.”
Block him, his family, any of his friends. Do the same thing with your email and any of your social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) accounts. That way you will NOT be reachable.
I did that immediately! Thanks for the humorous approach to a not so funny topic!
Edit his contact entry in your phone from his name to “Toxic Narcissist.” Serves as an effective reminder when you receive the inevitable call or text from your N. And he likely will reach out to you eventually.