What is normal? What does healthy look like? We talk a lot about being healthy on this site, but If you’ve never seen it, or had anyone demonstrate it to you, how do you know what it looks like?
I’ve spent years trying to figure out what healthy is, because I knew I wasn’t. I always felt that there was some hidden mystery I had to figure out, a secret that other people knew that I didn’t. While I was in the midst of my darkest despair I did a lot of traveling all over the world and I talked to a lot of people trying to solve this riddle, people that I admired and respected and those that I’ve studied, who I consider my mentors. I compiled a list of several traits I noticed that they all had in common:
They are self-focused not other people focused: That’s not to say they don’t put other people’s needs ahead of their own at times, but they don’t lose themselves or neglect their own needs in favor of someone else’s. They have a good sense of what they want, what they like, what they need and they have no problem making these things a priority. They have their eyes on their goals and their future, independent of anyone else.
They have a very low tolerance for dysfunctional people: Healthy people don’t have a need to fix or control other people. Because they are self-focused, they aren’t interested in carrying someone else’s baggage. They look to make themselves better by association, not worse. Certainly they will help out someone in need, but they don’t invest their lives, their emotions, or their future in deeply troubled individuals. They don’t ignore red flags and serious issues. They aren’t interested in relationships that soar and crash and cause havoc and drama in their lives, instead they seek out relationships that are stable and reliable, with like-minded people.
They aren’t afraid of conflict and they communicate effectively: As codependents we’re taught to be quiet, not to rock the boat, that our wants and needs aren’t important and to avoid any behavior that might arouse anger, aggression, criticism, or attention from our emotionally manipulative parent. Communication is vital to every human relationship and when this is how you’ve been trained to interact with the world, you’re starting out with a huge disadvantage right out of the gate.
I’ve spoken in a previous blog about the 4 types of communication – passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive and direct. The only mode of communication that is healthy is being direct. Healthy people don’t stay quiet and assume others should know what they want. If they want or need something, they know that it’s their job to speak up and make their wishes known. They don’t sit back and accept poor treatment because they’re afraid of upsetting or losing someone.
How you express yourself is a measure of your self-esteem. Don’t keep quiet about important issues that need to be address, with the hope that they will go away, or that the other party will come around to your way of thinking. And don’t expect people to be able to read your mind. All that does is set you up for failure, heartache and pain.
Healthy people are not passive aggressive. They don’t agree to do something and then not do it, or sulk in protest. If they don’t want to do something – they say they don’t. They aren’t overly aggressive either. You don’t need to yell or intimidate and get into someone’s face to get your point across.
When you don’t speak your mind you leave the door wide open for miscommunication. Emotional manipulators live in life’s ambiguity. When you’ve clearly indicated your intention, there’s no room for misunderstanding and when you get in the practice of always saying what you mean and meaning what you say, Narcissists will have a much more difficult time trying to convince you that you’re crazy and confused.
They are impeccable with their word: Emotionally healthy people aren’t looking to con, deceive or manipulate others to get ahead. They are independent, dependable, reliable and trustworthy. If they tell you they will do something – they do it. They aren’t passive aggressive about it, they mean what they say and they say what they mean. There is no guess work with healthy people, no drama – they prefer honesty and integrity.
They make self-care a priority: I have a beautiful friend named Jane. Jane is flat out gorgeous and every morning her alarm clock goes off at 5:00am. She gets up and heads out the door to her gym, where she and her friends meet and work out every day before heading off to work. Jane also runs marathons – big ones, like the New York Marathon and the Boston Marathon, every year. When I first learned of Jane’s proclivity for fitness I asked her, what any student of human behavior would – why? Why do you do this every day? What motivates you? What stops you from hitting the snooze button? Her answer was that it felt good to give her body what it needed – to make it strong, to have good endurance, to be able to breathe deeply and to look good. Her most important reason, she said, was to be there for her two young daughters.
Not everyone can be like Jane. She’s a doer and she usually gets more done by 9:00am than most people do their entire day. I’m a writer, I do my best stuff late at night, when it’s quiet and I can think. I can’t remember the last time I saw 5:00am.
Self-care is more than just fitness though, it’s about taking the necessary time and doing the necessary things to keep yourself balanced. Many of my friends have young children and any mother can tell you how daunting that can be, but I will say, those women who don’t hesitate to take a night off to spend time being with friends, or pursuing their interests and hobbies, are the happiest. They tell me, if they allow themselves to get too overwhelmed, it will show in how they parent. They’ll have less patience, get angry, or frustrated more easily and generally, be more stressed out –which affects everybody. But when they take the time to recharge and get centered and have fun, they know they will be better all around, for taking care of themselves first.
They hold themselves to higher standards and have more confidence: Looking back at my childhood it almost seems like my mother made it her life’s mission to make sure I didn’t feel good about myself and that I had no confidence. Consequently, I grew up with little to no self-esteem and a belief that I couldn’t do anything right. It always seemed like I had more obstacles to overcome than everyone else, which made even starting a task more difficult, let alone all the doubt and uncertainty that would plague me all the way through.
Today when I observe my very accomplished friends, the one thing I notice is that they dive right into their tasks. They don’t procrastinate, over-analyze or get bogged down with self-doubt – they just do it. It doesn’t mean that they don’t have a plan, or they won’t redo their work several times, but they roll up their sleeves and get to work, knowing that nothing is impossible for them and they even look forward to the challenge. They have certain expectations of themselves, they’re committed and they know they’ll do it right. Their expectation is born from the belief that they have in themselves, their abilities and their past experiences with success. When you start off knowing that you can do something, you’re already more than half way there.
They are not self-destructive: Healthy people don’t feel that they are lacking, or that they have voids to fill. Sure everyone has something about themselves they would change, but healthy people don’t get hung up on these things. They’re not looking to escape reality, or dull a hurt. Healthy people don’t want to hurt themselves. They have healthy attitudes about themselves and their abilities and they are genuinely happy and positive about life.
They have and enforce boundaries: Boundaries are kind of the buzz word of my blog. I grew up with no boundaries and that led to people walking all over me throughout my life. Healthy people are taught to have boundaries, to respect their rights and the rights of others. They were taught about fairness, morality and respect. Healthy people have a strong sense of right and wrong, they have no problem helping someone out, but they know where the line is between helping and being taken advantage of. They have an intact and fully functioning warning detector and they trust it. They treat people with respect and if that same curtesy isn’t reciprocated, they have no interest in any further engagement.
They hang around with like-minded people: When I was younger I used to hang out with losers, self-destructive people that were always upset, angry or in pain. I felt comfortable with them, because that’s how I saw myself. That was the universe doing its, ‘like attracts like’ dance. I don’t hang out with any of those people anymore. I even think one of them now has a tattoo on his face – his face!!!!
In my current circle of friends there are two lawyers (prosecutors), a yoga instructor, a marathon runner, company executives, artists, computer techies, an internet guru and a TV producer. Most of my friends are relatively new friends and I can safely say, there’s a distinctive difference between the type of people I attracted back then and those I attract now.
Healthy people aren’t interested in drama and tension in their relationships with family and friends. They seek out peace and being with people who they can trust and reasonably predict their behavior. They don’t do the egg shell shuffle. They like to laugh and have fun and enjoy simple pleasures.
Last week I was talking to one of my artist friends and he said something so profound I made him repeat it three times, so I could write it all down. He said, “Sav, if you ever find yourself feeling unhappy with your life in some way, take a moment to reflect on the people you spend most of your time with. I’ve found that one’s personal, emotional, mental, spiritual and even financial state is deeply affected by the influences of one’s peer group. Lately I find myself surrounded by people with a zest for life and a passion for music and I feel the change in me already.”
He capped off his great quote by saying, “You can’t CHANGE the people in your life, but you can change the PEOPLE in your life.” Dezz A.
What a great quote. So there it is. I was looking for this big mystery and it was right in front of my eyes. If you want to know what healthy is, take a look at the attitudes and behaviors of those you respect and admire most and then do that.
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Confirmation! Great info!!
Interesting article, I’d like to tell you a story of my husbands best friend. He had a narcistic mother and was the scapegoat, now he has a golden child – wife with a narcistic mother. THis mother in law is even worse than his mother he has almost no contact with, and his wife behaves like a narcicist herself towards him, too.
When he was with us one day (we cooked some meal altogether) he watched us communicating and sayed: “When I hear this, I think with my wife and me, there is something completely different and probably wrong concerning communication.”
I said: “Why don’t you tell her?”
he said: “She would get angry about it.”
I never saw her, but I really dislike her. He stays with her, and I just ask myself: “WHY?”
It feels lonely to be without the narcicist, I know that myself.
It feels strange to think about, who you really are, if no one tells you. In some way it is boring, if there is no drama, and if you are okay the way you are.
What will you do next?
Great discussion. One last question Savannah. What is the right balance to healthy self-focus while also understanding our responsibility toward (not for) our significant others? I.e. spouse, children even coworkers.
My narcissistic partner played this card: “I need to get myself in a good place before I can work on our relationship” as his reasons for abandoning me and our marriage. There was of course no regard at that moment for my needs, feelings or how those actions could actually exacerbate our marital problems.
At the time I didn’t understand about narcicissm. When I asked him to consider his promises and marital commitment he got very angry and blamed me for hurting him, actually calling me emotionally abusive.
As we pursue of own emotional needs in a healthy way i dont ever think it should be done at the expense of our loved ones. Yes, short term withdrawals or adjustments may be necessary (and may not be well received) but dont we always need to be kind, respectful, mature and appropriately sensitive when needing a “selfish moment” for emotional health?
Don’t we honor our commitments as spouses, partners, parents. Etc.?
What my husband did in the name of pursuing his emotional health was to me, simply cruel and selfish. Where’s the balance.
Great article! But HOW do I do this? I feel I am soo deep into the darkness of the narcissist I thought , he acted like he loved me; for 24 years. But getting over losing a way of life, home we created, 2 grown kids, plans of grandchildren, now was supposed to be “about us”. But I found out who he REALLY was…4+ lovers in additional to me/wife. Farm family…I had to leave, because it is his family farm, but i loved it just as much, i left my heart and soul there. My adult son works the farm as well, and now my ex’s life-in (who was chick #4) gets the PRIVILEGE of working side by side with my son (age 23). And if any of you know what it is like on a farm…it is a “family” effort and I am no longer a part of that life or “that family” . and it is 24/7 time investment, so my son does not have much time to spend with me (in a near by city only 20 miles from farm). But I feel like I have lost my identity, my son, my life, I could go on…I am stuck and want to DIE
Thank you so much for writing this article. I am bookmarking it. I love your blog!
Dear Savannah, having read many articles, most of the time I think I am a codependent, but sometimes I think I might be a narcissist too and I am confused.
How would I know for sure? Could I be both?
Tedi they are basically opposites – two sides of the same coin. The best way to tell is to test your own ability to feel empathy. Where a narcissist has an impulsive need to take and use people, a codependent needs to give and fix people, where a narcissist feels entitled, a codependent feels unworthy, where a narcissist needs constant praise and admiration a codependent often feels invisible. Both do inwardly feel insecure and both could be emotionally unavailable – narcissist are generally angry, misanthropic and always looking for narcissistic supply. Check out my blog Seeking Revenge Against a Narcissist: Know Thine Enemy – here I list the most common traits of Narcissists.
@SU — You’re not reading it wrong it all. It’s true, I’m unfairly hard on myself (it’s a result of having a Narc mother).
This is a major hurdle that I’m working through, to be more forgiving to myself and not beat myself up.
In this regard to choosing bad friends, it’s the embarrassment of it that I can’t get past (which may sound strange).
I forgave myself, finally, for befriending my toxic college friend. I was 18 years old when that happened. All of us were naive, uprooted from home and everything we knew. Totally fine and understandable that this would happen at that age.
But to do it again, at age 30, when I should have known better and had more self-respect, that’s something I’m still struggling to get past.
Part of why I moved at age 30 was to re-invent myself. I didn’t have the revelation yet that my mother was a Narc, or why I had the problems and issues that I did. I just knew that at time that I needed to start fresh in a new place, in a city that had better economic opportunities. So to hang out with a pack of losers when I first got here (when my mission was to better myself) kinda kills me.
I know I shouldn’t worry about it, but I think I have given other people in my new city an inaccurate and bad impression of myself, based on who I chose to hang out with in those early years.
But you are right. I didn’t have my awakening then. And once I did finally have my awakening, albeit a fairly recent one, I got rid of all of them, these unhealthy people.
I’m going to do my best to remain positive, just look forward and be open to the new people in my life. Ever since I got rid of those people, new people have come into my life who are healthy and amazing. Thank you for your comment.
NR,
I completely relate to your post and being embarrassed. Honestly, it made me teary bc I feel sadness about the shame that narcs and emotionally unavailable people push on others and how I felt this as a young child through 30 and still sometimes now. Narcs are experts at antagonizing people with shame. It may be incredibly subtle like a snub, an exasperated eye roll or a passive aggressive dig or it could be a nasty insult or criticism that’s meant to wound. Narcs hate that human beings have a weak, imperfect side because they hate it in themselves so they have to extinguish it by shaming or avoid it by leaving you. But I think our imperfections and mistakes make us who we are and they have a purpose, even a beauty in a way- they carve out a path for us to walk on in life where we use our strengths to do good- if we didn’t have our weaknesses we would be somewhere else, maybe somewhere we are not meant to be. I feel so strongly about this bc I lived with shame for so long and I was the black sheep so I always knew I was okay and it was right to be myself (and I was the queen of the eye roll right back at you) but it’s hard to really fully believe this when those you respect tell you you can’t be imperfect and be yourself and still be loved and successful in the world. Which is total bs (also something I say and think a lot as a black sheep). You know, I started practicing full acceptance of myself – my weaknesses, mistakes, quirks and strengths – in my 30s and instead of things falling apart or losing motivation or being rejected by others like I always expected the complete opposite happened. I still have a long way to go but as you can see I’m passionate about this topic.
I just want to say one thing Savannah: Thank you for this!
Wow! What a fantastic and inspiring article! You’re such a great writer, and generous with your sharing of insight. Personally, I’ve turned a corner in my journey back to self. I have tapped back into my own writing very recently, signed up for a workshop with one of my favorite songwriters who will be in town, and, well, the poetry and music beginning to pour out of me again after a long period of stagnancy that resulted from me abandoning myself. It’s been like being 20 steps behind and playing “catch up” with who I am after having had the psychological wind knocked out of me by an encounter with a narcissist. But here’s the thing. Here’s my revelation (and your sharing has helped me be honest in this)…it’s not about the ex love in my life. It’s about the right kind of love for myself that flows in a continuum forward in a timeless manner, and cultivating a soil bed for this love to exist, be nurtured, grow, and PRODUCE the music! That’s it. That’s all it’s ever been. I’ve derailed myself from myself for so many years because of old schemas playing in the background, that WHO I am has been on the back burner as I’ve been REALLY close to PRODUCING the crop! Who I am is a writer, and when I think back to arriving in Texas last year, and learning about the writers group every Monday, that I skipped, because of lust, of good sex, with someone who was a narcissist, and see that it was right there for my taking, and I chose a shallow, short lived drama with a narcissist, I could just cringe. Short lived became long-grieved, and here is my new MO. I simply do NOT have the pockets of time to give to this kind of shit anymore! I’m done! I’m done with this shit! Enough is enough! It is not about my ex, it is about me, and I am freaking awesome! And I deserve to show my talent, my music writing abilities, my poetry, my docupoetry, to claim my inheritance of blooming into the beautiful woman I was designed to be, that got pounded in spirit by the wrecking ball of addiction, neglect, abuse and a complete shattering of identity early on that formed trails that diverted from source in every direction, searching for traces…back to me. I am back, baby, and look the hell out! 🙂 Thank you, Savannah! You have helped me without even knowing it!
Nashville – your comment made me smile and reading about your success makes it all worthwhile for me. Thank you and keep reaching for your dreams.
Fantastic article. I have read and reread it and copied points in my journal. You are an inspiration!
I truly love and owe you Savanna Grey. You have lived my life, and now I am living a better life because of this web site and your straight to the point, logical advice. I cannot thank you enough.
I just want to mention how the point of “They treat people with respect and if that same courtesy isn’t reciprocated, they have no interest in any further engagement.” REALLY hit at the perfect time. I needed that support that I was doing the healthy thing; it was the thing that felt right, and to be told today that it is, in fact, the healthy thing, gives me so much peace and joy. It is like I am happy to know that my gut was right, which it almost always is, but that is not what I had been taught by my mother nor reinforced by my narcissistic husband.
That was awesome!! Lifted my spirits
Good. I now am at the point where I rate healthy in most of those aspects, with my weakest one being communication. So that is the area that I will work on. But what struck me was the point: “They treat people with respect and if that same courtesy isn’t reciprocated, they have no interest in any further engagement.” Bingo. When within the past week both my ex-husband and my mother treated me with disrespect (he did a big-time boundary violation and she negated my feelings–told me I shouldn’t feel angry,” I decided exactly that: I have no interest in further engagement with either of them. Both of them have done their respective thing so often that I shut my mouth, didn’t say a thing, walked away, and resolve to never revolve around them again. I am spun on a tangent out of there in search of new and healthy friends. Don’t know where I’ll find them, but there’re not here.
I’ve found that many successful business people will give the same advice, that is to be selective of who you choose to surround yourself with. Now while I am in complete agreement that the people in our lives can affect ours for better or for worse, I have gotta ask (and sorry to derail the conversation): Isn’t there an element of classism to this kind of thinking? Sometimes I feel conflicted about this advice, at times it reads to me as “select people based on their resumes.” Here is an example of why I ask this:
A good friend of mine who we’ll call *John was looking to relocate for his career. He expressed to me that he was tired of his long-term friends and wanting to completely end contact with them. I asked why, and his response was that “they’re not doing anything with their lives” and that all they do when they hang out is “drink beer.” John reminded me that we “are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.”
Take note that most of John’s friends got married in their early 20s and have children, and still live in the same suburb that they all grew up in. All of their wives are stay-at-home moms. None of them have been to college, nor have any of them traveled outside of the United States. From a socio-economic standpoint, John is the odd-man-out of the group. He is single and likes to go to nice bars and restaurants. He has a degree, traveled extensively and has lived in other cities. But this is all because of privilege – John grew up in a household that simply had more money, and thus opportunity, than his friends even though they are all from the same town. He was able to afford to travel and live this kind of lifestyle.
I have met all of John’s friends, the ones he wanted to end contact with. They are all nice, amazing, well-meaning people. They don’t treat John badly and care about him very deeply. I told John that it’s not fair of him to say that his friends “are not doing anything with their lives.” All of his friends own their homes and are great dads. They are funny, genuine and fun to hang out with. Nothing that they are doing is wrong! It’s fine for John to not want that kind of a life, the suburban life – it’s not enough for him, but for many people, it’s enough and OK. In fact, for many people it’s a goal and an ideal! The American Dream, right?
So, isn’t this classism on John’s part? Isn’t John totally looking down on his friends? Or has John just completely misread the advice?
I am also guilty of what John has done. I too, have given up on a couple of friends, long-term friends, because according to ME, they had no direction, goals or motivation. Even though I cared about them very deeply and they treated me well, there was this feeling of disconnect that I had with them – we didn’t want the same things in life or have the same value system. Their lackadaisical outlook on life bothered me probably more than it should have, and honestly, I passed judgment on them for it. I look back on why I did this, and wondered if I was just projecting my issues onto them, unfairly.
Back to the advice: Isn’t it superficial on some level? Isn’t how people treat you, mutual respect, reciprocity and what you each bring to each other’s lives more important?
Like you, John and I have friends who are attorneys, business-owners, techies, PR people, and so forth. But isn’t it because of our jobs, and having had the opportunity to go to college to acquire these jobs in the first place (privilege), that he and I have been able to meet these kinds of successful people? John’s other friends, who are in a different socio-economic bracket, don’t have attorneys, CEOs or PR people in their friend circle.
NR many of the friends I mentioned and even the one I quoted are starving artists – musicians and painters. The friends I left behind did drugs, had no desire for higher learning and were detrimental to my mental health and my life.
I think you know instinctively when a relationship doesn’t fit anymore. Sometimes people come into your life and they’re there for a time and then the relationship is over and you can never get it back no matter how hard you try – these people have a roll to play – they played it and then they move on. If I tried to hang with the people I grew up with now – it just wouldn’t fit. One of them I mentioned has a tattoo on his face -I’m not judging (if that’s how he wants to represent himself that’s his business) he’s also violent and totally nuts and that wouldn’t fit in with who I am and where I am in my life. I’m not the same person I was and most of them are still the same. Most people get distracted by life and they don’t take the time to do introspection and grow as a person. Your friend John probably doesn’t feel like he fits with these people anymore and it can have nothing to do with class distinction. It’s usually about common interests, common goals, common behaviors, common beliefs – your friend probably still cares for them, but recognizes that he doesn’t have anything in common with these people anymore and that’s ok.
I think people have a vibe about them. You can sense when someone is anti-social, self-destructive… and you can tell when people are good for you – you pick up on that vibe too. I like people that inspire me, that are deep, spiritual and intellectual. That’s who I want to spend my time drinking coffees with – they could be lawyers or the guy playing guitar in the restaurant down the street.
@Savannah — Thank you for clarifying the point.
John’s friends consider him a snob, and some feel that he abandoned them. A couple of them have made the comment that John thinks he’s “too good” to hang out with or talk to them now, and there seems to be a lot of resentment toward him. That’s partially why I wondered if there was a link to classism, based on how they reacted and how John phrased his feelings.
Also because I am co-dependent, I felt guilty for leaving the people that I have.
You are very right. We need to listen to and trust how we feel about someone. I think it’s important to be around people who are positive and have some type of goal — whatever the goal is — that they are working toward.
One friend I had who I had to let go, I always felt drained and tired after hanging it out with her. Now I know it was because she was a toxic person who was sucking the life out of me.
With the right friends, you feel renewed, energized and happy after seeing them.
NarcRepellant –
I’ve struggled with this too. I think Savannah added an important clarification. Sometimes when you hear this “surround yourself with healthy people” it is more like “surround yourself with winners.” Which can sometimes be translated as “surround yourself with wealthy people who are successful by conventional standards.” Savannah is clear in her addendum, that’s not what she meant. But to some people that’s what this message translates to. And as we all know there is a strain of “self help” and “self actualization” propaganda out there which emphasizes the “winners and losers” angle. I have to be careful with this issue, on both sides. I came from a classic working class family, so it is easy for me to feel “disloyal” and like I am “putting on airs” when I hang with people who are completely unlike anyone who was around when I was growing up. This is a shame message that will hold me back if I listen to it. Yet at the same time I know I can be judgmental; I have internalized some aspects of the wealth and success hierarchy, which I have used at times to feel better about myself. All this makes it confusing when I am deciding whether to “move on” from a friend or group of friends. That happened a few years ago when I was feeling really stuck in a certain recovery program. My friends were all “good, decent guys” but I did not share many interests outside of recovery. I felt restless. I decided to move on, but felt (and still feel) guilty about it. When I look objectively, it’s not that I chose new friends based on wealth and success. But I did want friends who like what I like and who maybe introduce me to new things and ideas. What the old and new friends have in common is a lot of “regular guy” stuff (meaning mostly a deep interest in the Boston Red Sox, San Francisco Giants, and other of my favorite teams!). What they don’t have in common is the new friends travel more, enjoy more culture (know that Don Giovanni is an opera and not a second baseman, for example). I think what I did is right but I still have work to do on that “working class loyalty” thing.
Hurtin cowboy
@Cowboy — You’re spot on in your observation. Many self-help books and articles, especially those geared toward finance and the business community, totally advocate this idea of “winners” and “losers.” I have to go to networking events for work, and while the industry-specific ones are great, others are very title-based and feels like social climbing. “Who are you and what can you do for me?” is what they feel like. It’s a necessary evil sometimes but it’s not my favorite way to meet people.
But I’m clear now on what Savannah is saying, and it is the best advice that comes from a place of love.
I posted down thread that the few toxic friends I’ve made during my life occurred when I was brand new to a city — the first time when I went away to college, and the second was when I moved to my current city. I had a long-term friendship with someone who was a co-dependent and very demanding of me. In my new city, I hung out with people who were pressing the snooze button on their lives. They were fun to go out with on a Friday night and were kind enough to show me the city, but they were not driven, had no direction. I’m talking people in their early 30s who were still obsessed with partying. They were not supportive of my goals or understanding of my needs. Mentally I was in a much different place than them.
I let these friendships drag on much too long, because of my own issues with co-dependency. I felt obligated to them. I couldn’t let go of my toxic college friend, because I felt she had been there for me during those tough early 20s times, and we literally traveled around the world together. With my first friends here, I felt obligated to stick around, too.
But everything changed after I left my Narc ex boyfriend. I woke up and realized that these specific friendships were also leaving me feeling drained much like my ex Narc did, and was not helping me in getting toward my goals, or supporting me in any way. I became aware of unhealthy patterns in this friendships, and that my best interest was not of their concern — it was like I existed for whatever their needs were.
So I cleaned house. I ended the friendships. And trust me, they both resisted, fiercely, once they realized I was changing the temperature in the room and was done.
I think that’s the most important take away from this post — it reminds me that it’s OK to end a relationship — including platonic ones — that is not working for us, since we co-dependents have to be more careful than most people regarding who we associate with, since we have the tendency to attract toxic people in the first place.
I haven’t become anti-social, but I must admit that because of these experiences, I’m now concerned when I meet someone (platonically) who seems to like me and REALLY wants to hang out. This is how both of my toxic friends were when we met, and I got caught up in the fun (but toxic) energy they exuded.
@ NarcRepellent. I too had a friend like yours who left me feeling drained and ill after she visited (which I can’t afford as I have CFS and other health problems). Added to which, she’d changed our friendship to one where she called all the shots, only visiting when she needed me, whereas I was highly discouraged from visiting her. I received a lot of backhanded compliments, was told in not-so-subtle hints that I didn’t matter, and over the years she cut me off from mutual friends. (This is just the tip of the iceberg, btw, otherwise I could go on for reams). Over three years ago I’d had enough and told her that it was no longer a healthy friendship for me (the scariest thing I had to do, lol).
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I saw her when I was in my local shop. She was so pleased to see me, had missed me and invited me back to her house for a cuppa (she’d moved near to where I live). I accepted and we caught up. Her view of why I felt drained before was because I’d ‘picked up’ on her own problems and depression (which it wasn’t at all). When I left I felt a bit non-plussed and had to think about it for a day or two. Two things I realised. One, was that she was still misconstruing things I said and turning them to her advantage to make me look like a fool (another of her ways to make herself feel good at my expense) and, secondly I felt as though talking to her had been a battle rather than an equal conversation…even though she’d been on her best behaviour.
I knew then that I can’t go back to that, and that I was right to finish the friendship, and I won’t be contacting her again.
Meanwhile, I’ve been enjoying the times I’ve been with my now closest friend, out and about together and having fun. There’s no battle or feeling of inequality, and we both enjoy and feel relaxed in each other’s company.
I’m very glad to have had that encounter with the erstwhile friend, as I can really see the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one now. 🙂
NR, good thoughts. Savannah, it’s so true when you say this: ” Most people get distracted by life and they don’t take the time to do introspection and grow as a person.” I would take that statement and stretch it a little to say that many people don’t WANT to go too far inward…even when they hint to understanding that such a journey would bridge more authenticity within self and others. Back to classism. As I’m writing this I am thinking of socialism in a psychological frame of reference cringing at the idea of having my “healthiness” taxed to balance out the playing field so that those remaining stuck in holding patterns of dysfunction could feel better about themselves. Yes, I DID build that!!! I took the wreckage of a broken identity, and sought and fought for healthiness, step by stumbling step, and arrived. And once you arrive here, there is no going back. It’s a choice. It’s a journey, and it’s well worth the first, second and countless lonely steps taken forward – as most remain comfortable in their patterns. The hope, of course, is for all to want to better themselves, break the cycle. I had to change ALL of my friends from my formative years. Lost several to drug addiction. I’m the one that got away. But I can attest to one thing. Healthiness can be damn lonely. Sobriety, for me, was the only way to even begin to sort the puzzled pieces and make them fit into a healthy me.
Thank you for this. I agree that sometimes we can focus so much on relational and emotional disfunction it is impotant to remember what healthy looks like. Especially since all we can control is ourselves.
I have one comment though. While all of this is helpful in the hands of the (relatively) emotionally healthy. I have seen some of these principles abused by narcissists and others. “I’m not responsible for your feelings,” is justification for insensitivity, “I need to focus on me,” is the grounds for emotional abandonment, “boundaries,” is what one use to justify isolation, or living a double life.
I am in no way speaking agains these healthy principles. I agree with them all, I am just adding this caveat.
In the head games of the narcissistic, deluded and emotionally manipulative even these positive traits can be tools to mess with us if we aren’t careful.
The one I would add o the list, and to me this is the most critical is true and fearless SELF-AWARENESS. Without that, any other tools are less effective or, even dangerous.
Lynne, Bravo! You touch upon a point I’ve often pondered (and would love for Savannah to write about – hint, hint…) which is this: Narcissists already contain many of the traits “WE” strive for, EXCEPT THAT…they use these powers for negative purposes of emotional manipulation of others that profit their emotional manipulation techniques. Here’s the thing. my ex had WONDERFUL potential for success and healthiness is she were to use her powers for good. She was disciplined with her physical health, and would often say things like “you gotta be selfish sometimes”…and “you can’t rely on anyone else for your happiness” and “boundaries” and plenty of other seemingly healthy ideas. She was a taker of all life had to offer, and her zest for life was attractive…until I started connecting the dots to an inconvenient truth…but I won’t go there. Those statements she made have a piece of truth in them for those striving towards healthiness. Of course, my ex had ZERO regard for my feelings and was totally aloof to the fact that I was part of the equation of “we”…and that’s a whole other issue, but my long winded point is this: Narcissists have traits that are worthy of incorporating into our life, and if we color those traits with goodness and love they can be powerful and effective tools for the construction and maintenance of authenticity with self and others.
Framing this and sharing with my son. Thank you.
This post made me think about how friendships and relationships affect our growth. From the age of 5 until my 20s I was tethered to three groups of friends led by narc/borderline leaders/queen bee mean girls. I was drawn to these leaders mainly out of FOMO- they seemed to be the most confident, attractive girls who were having the most fun. They were also mean! As you can expect. They projected a respect for themselves but they did not treat others, including me, with kindness and respect. My self confidence remained stagnant. In my 20s I lost touch w/the narc friends after moving and had to make new friends. Through work and out of loneliness I met a group of girls who treated others with kindness and respect but didn’t respect themselves. They were stuck in old bad habits and generally seemed negative about change and growth. I didn’t feel like my self esteem was constantly attacked as it was with the narcs but I wasn’t growing and I felt that we were on different trajectories: I wanted to get better about living life and they preferred to stay on the plateau of sameness. I felt a little guilty wanting to make other friends because these girls were nice but now, looking back and seeing how much our surroundings and people influence our perspective and our very precious emotional health, I think it’s okay to choose friends that are the healthiest fit for us (and these girls were just fine without me, honestly, and now if I see them from time to time we are friendly & catch up). A year or so later I met a new group of friends who respected themselves and others. Their lives weren’t perfect: they had their career and relationship ups and downs and they weren’t models of perfect self esteem but they were on an upwards trajectory of growth and were interested in being good friends AND better people. They were seeking wisdom and authenticity and weren’t superficially successful, power hungry and snobby like the narcs. Being around them and away from the negativity truly helped heal my perspective on how to treat others and myself and how to live life in the world. This is when my self esteem really started to grow and I really didn’t put up with nastiness, mistreatment and having low expectations for life after this. And I have run into some of the narcs and they haven’t changed but they seem miserable to me now and I feel sorry for them- some are quite successful on the outside but inside they are a mess, something which I couldn’t see clearly before.
@SU –Your post really spoke to me.
I got very lucky. In general, I won the lottery with most of my friends. However, I’ve found that as a co-dependent, I was the most vulnerable to, and met the most toxic people when I was new to a city and far away from my support system.
The first time happened when I moved away for college. One of my best friends in college, as time progressed, turned out to be a toxic person in my life in my late 20s. She was not a narc, but she was a co-dependent herself who had unreasonable expectations of our friendship. It was hard and difficult to end the friendship, and I wasn’t even aware at that time in my life that I was a co-dependent and that my mom is a Narc, and that I have these issues. But I do recall feeling an immense sense of relief and peace after ending the friendship. I started to feel so much better after not speaking to her.
The second it happened much later in life. I was 30 and had moved thousands of miles away to an entirely new city. I knew no one. I was lonely. I was too eager to make friends.
And just like that, it happened again. Because I was an unhealthy person, I was attracting unhealthy people.
A friend of mine from college came to visit me here, and asked me “NarcRepellent, WHAT are you doing? WHY are you hanging around with these people?” That was a wake-up call.
Looking back, I’m honestly embarrassed and I shudder to think about who I associated with when I was new in town, just because I wanted to have friends. Now I wish I remained alone longer, and was more discerning with who I spent my time with.
NR, Yes- when we are stressed or lose our bearings it’s tempting to make quick and easy decisions to ease our stress and loneliness, decisions which then hurt us. I have such a history of this! In the last few years I’ve learned about and have been practicing staying present and aware- aware of my feelings, thoughts and surroundings. This has helped me to watch the drama that sometimes erupts internally and even externally and not get carried away by it. I’ve found that this, slowing things down and making sure I have a self care routine to keep me grounded, keeps me focused and more determined to make good (and sometimes hard) decisions. I love that this blog talks about self care bc it’s so essential in our healing. Can I make an unsolicited side note (because I think you will take it w/a grain of salt that I don’t know you!)? I don’t think you should be hard on yourself at all for your past mistakes (and I could be reading this wrong). You were doing the best with the tools and knowledge you had then. And I bet you approached your problems with a good heart & conscience. Better to live life fully and make mistakes, everyone does (and this is me reminding myself of this too).
Absolutely every word of your article is true…thank you for always enlightening my life which is a work-in-progress. These articles keep me grounded and remind me on a daily basis what “staying emotionally healthy” is all about….THANK YOU!
you’re brilliant and I live for your blog. I thank god for your talent!
A+
What a fabulous article.
Thank you!
Wow, what a great read. I recently made the decision to get my negative narcissist ex out of my life and I feel as though the statements in the article could not hold more true to the standards I need to hold myself to going forward. It’s so important to keep these points in the front of your mind in your everyday life and especially when coming in contact with new individuals. I love reading these articles daily and repeatedly to always remind myself where I need to go in my life to be successful. Thank you so much for these articles !
Savannah!
I recognize everything. Thanks for such wise summary!