Alisa Valdes was living the dream. She did her undergrad at Berkley and received her Masters of Journalism at Columbia. She landed columns writing for The Boston Globe and later The Los Angeles Times. Her first novel The Dirty Girls Social Club was a huge success and landed her on the New York Times Best Sellers List. She was voted one of the top feminist writers under 30, by Ms Magazine and was even highly touted by feminist icon, Gloria Steinem. By all accounts Valdes’s career had taken off and the future was looking pretty bright…that is of course until she met him.
In 2013 Valdes released a memoir entitled The Feminist and the Cowboy: An Unlikely Love Story.
This memoir depicts the real life romance between Valdes and a rancher named Steve Lane. In it, she discusses the joy she found submitting to this alpha-male, which caused this feminist to make statements such as:
“Never expect anything; instead win him over ‘by giving and giving and giving until it hurts.”
“If an alpha-male cheats, let him. I would share him if I had to.”
The problem wasn’t that Valdes fell in love with an alpha-male; it was that she had become addicted to a Narcissist. As soon as the book was released, the relationship was over and details of abuse surfaced. She revealed in a blog that, “I set out to write a memoir that was a love letter to a man I was deeply in love with, a man who challenged me in myriad ways, a man who changed my life profoundly, a man I respected and honored greatly at the time, what I actually wrote was a handbook for women on how to fall in love with a manipulative, controlling, abusive narcissist.”
It’s all there – putting him up on a pedestal, the need to make him feel special by “honoring” him, by making him her primary focus and by giving up her ideals to please him. Only to later suffer abuse at his hands. In a blog she wrote, that has since been deleted, at the behest of her publisher, she said that she had told him she was pregnant and upon that revelation, he left her – she later miscarried the baby. She opened up about how he constantly criticized, berated her and even raped her. She also spoke about an incident where she had to jump out of his moving truck, because he had threatened to kill her.
This woman who was highly decorated for her feminist writings and had accolades up the ying-yang was now a literary laughing stock. She has been sliced to ribbons by her critics; some have even gone so far as to say that she must suffer from bi-polar disorder and others have called her an out and out liar. Whatever she is, she has certainly paid an outrageous price for love.
But she’s not the only one. This author was brought to my attention by a reader and the story so fascinated me, because it embodies the extent that sufferers of Narcissistic abuse are willing to go to, in order to maintain their relationship. I’ve heard stories from hundreds of women about things they have given, or given up, all in an effort to please someone that was never capable of loving them in the first place. Some have given up their children, their spouse, friends, others their jobs, homes, dreams, money, gifts, vacations, cars, their reputation and even themselves – all just handed over to someone that wouldn’t cross the street to say hello if it wasn’t part of their agenda.
We’re all guilty of it. I had a reader just last week write to me about how she got evicted from her apartment, because of the noise and the behavior of her Narcissist. She was the only wage earner and still had to take care of their child. She had to move back home to her parents, out of state and he still kept asking her for money and even though she was struggling and was raising their child without his help – she still gave it to him. She later found out that he was giving her money to another woman. I’ve had dozens of readers tell me that they have left their homes, their jobs and family and moved to the other side of the country to be with the one they thought they loved, only to find out a short time later, that it had been a colossal mistake.
So the million dollar question is: Why are we so willing to give and give up things till it hurts, all in the name of love?
We believe we aren’t good enough
There’s a deep seeded belief that many people, that give and give up way more than they should, carry around with them and that is, that just being themselves isn’t enough, that they’ve got to add more to the pile, to please and be chosen by the one they love.
The problem is that in all abusive relationships we are always left believing that if we gave just a little more, then they’ll love us and it almost seems to work for a while. We even get a high off of giving, because we get to feel special for a while – then it runs out and they revert to their old behavior. They grow colder and pull away and we don’t hear from them for a while. Then the phone rings, they need something and we feel compelled to give it to them, because we’re just so damn happy they’re back and the give and take cycle continues.
Sometimes we are able to convince ourselves that by giving, they will choose us – somehow it makes sense in the moment, that their asking is a symbol that they can count on us – that we mean something –that we are the ones they turn to – that they trust us – but in the aftermath, we always end up feeling duped, foolish, and used again.
The giving isn’t always about gifts and things, sometimes it’s a lifestyle. Often Narcissists become experts at doing nothing, so they look for just the right target that will go to work, pay the bills and put up with their crap, while they live a life of leisure. These types are so adept at keeping this up, that when one woman gets tired of it, they find another to replace her at the snap of a finger. And it’s usually one who has been faithfully pining his return ready and willing to fulfil his every need. They will have a slew of reasons why they can’t contribute, but the bottom line for an inverted Narcissist is, why work when someone else will do it for you.
We learned in childhood to put other’s needs ahead of our own
Many of us grew up with parents that were less than healthy. When children are taught to fear the consequences of acting like children and are always told to, tip toe around daddy, he’s had a bad day. That child learns to suppress their feelings and their reactions in the name of keeping the peace and making others happy.
We’ve discussed in previous blogs how neural pathways form and are strengthened by repetitive behaviors and beliefs, so if we grow up putting the needs of others ahead of our own it becomes our normal way of being.
Sometimes it’s not so overt, sometimes the taking is much, much more subtle. The gifts we give aren’t always tangible, sometimes the thing we give away, is ourselves. This is the slow degradation of our wants, our needs, our beliefs and of who we truly are. This is the essence of complete surrender, when we hand over control to another. This is the most dangerous and damaging form of taking, in part, because it’s slow and methodical, but mostly, because it’s not done by force. It’s given freely. We are willingly making the choice to give ourselves away bit by bit. The fact that we surrender our power, so readily, is our downfall – this is the outcome when we abandon ourselves in the name of love.
The Compromise Trap
We’ve all been taught that you’re supposed to compromise in relationships, but we get tricked into thinking that we aren’t entitled to our feelings, that perhaps somehow we have misinterpreted their motives and behavior. This misinterpretation comes in different forms; it can take the form of doubting what you are sensing, because what you are suggesting is pretty horrible and no one could be that horrible, so you gladly deny the obvious.
The second part of the compromise trap, is if you’ve been around your abuser long enough you’ve been trained to doubt your senses. It just becomes a gradual wearing down of not just your defenses, but your entire individuality. Very quickly in this type of environment you become a yes person, it’s a subtle form of brainwashing, where you come to believe that giving everything you have is normal and taking only abuse is a fitting punishment, because somewhere very deep, deep down there is an unspoken belief that this is what you deserve.
Somewhere along the way, the belief that relationships are about compromise morphed into a belief, that relationships are about being a martyr – the ever suffering nymph that feels her only worth is in the giving.
The Love Conquers All Trap
It is all part of the fairy tale that we buy into, this ‘love conquers all,’ concept. There’s a billion dollar romance industry that feasts off of this deep, primal desire we all have. Just about every romance novel has the same concept of beautiful, unaware girl, falls for Mr. Emotionally Unavailable and he completely changes his life and who he is because he has become so enamored with her. What we don’t seem to grasp is that this is fiction. It makes such a great story, because this kind of thing doesn’t happen in the real world, but it gives us all a great fantasy.
The Unconditional Love Trap
We talk about unconditional love and deep down we like that concept – of loving someone with no expectations. We even tell ourselves that it’s Godly – that it makes us a good person. While I’m all for the notion of unconditional love when it comes to your loved ones and sure, humanity in general, let’s all love everyone, but I think the true concept of unconditional love gets lost when loving someone means that we also, can’t love ourselves at the same time.
If we can learn anything from Alisa Valdes’ story, it’s that, it doesn’t matter where you come from, what education you have, what you look like, or what you do for a living – anyone, under the right (wrong) circumstances and when just the right buttons are pushed, becomes ready and willing to give up everything in the name of love.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you are doing the lion’s share of the giving you need to ask yourself the following questions:
- Is it reciprocal? Do you get back as much as you give?
- Do I feel duped or used afterwards?
- Am I depriving my children, other dependents or myself, to satisfy the desires of someone who is capable of taking care of themselves?
- Do they only come around when they need something?
- Is there a history of you giving and them taking?
- Does this make logical sense for your life?
- Is there an uncomfortable level of risk?
When we have been in past relationships where there has been abuse at some level, we always have to ask ourselves if our behavior defies common sense. Does it make sense for you to go to work and support a partner that is fully capable of working, but chooses not to? Does it make sense to drop everything in your life and move hundreds of miles away, in hopes that your fantasy works out, with someone you met on-line? I’m not saying don’t take risks, but I am saying make sure you’ve minimized those risks, because if you’re the only one making deposits in the love account, you better rethink your investment strategy.
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Oh! my! Goodness!! Do all narcissistic users behave the same way? This post and all the comments describe my narcissistic girlfriend of 2.5 years. We are now broke up because of her narcissistic personality and her dumping me after she was done with me. She used me the whole time and NEVER once did a thing for me. I guess I am to blame! I thought it was my privilege and honor to help her out, and I was flattered she “accepted” my generous spirit because I thought she was accepting me. I was used and discarded like a filthy rag when it was convenient for her to discard me!
My N is a very successful business owner. However, I see now I was a complete enabler who was married to another N. For 25 years. When I met this man, by accident he did EVERYTHING u described. Within a three month period, I had decided to end my marriage, move in with him. Eventually, he talked me into selling the house I got in my divorce, giving him the $10,000 I received at closing because he told me THEN that he shouldn’t be expected to pay for my divorce! At the time he persuaded me to leave my husband, I was no longer working, had retired. He pleaded with me to leave my marriage, flattered me like NO OTHER PETSON HAS EVER DONE, I actually told him I thought we were ” soul mates”! At the beginning it was perfect, everything I said I liked and wanted he said that was exactly what he wanted too. I gave up my security, my home, moved 40 miles to a new town, began working for him 4 days a week, began to distance myself from my friends because he told me they weren’t the right kind of friends, almost lost my mother. She was shocked at what I had done, @ divorce, he met her once and told everyone, behind my back, that she was horrible and basically not classy enough! He thinks he is so superior to most everyone! After I lived with him for Dix months,meh had an affair with an employee, when I confronted him, he lied, of course. Finally, much later, he admitted it, was NOT apologetic at all, said I CAUSED it because he just wasn’t happy!! We stayed together a year. It was a roller coaster for me, he flirted, had affairs, called his 20 year supply regularly, I found out. Eventually went back to HER, she is more co-dependent than me obviously. He has gone back to her again and again gorgeous 25 years, never married her, never lived with her, just let’s her cooks his dinners every night, she is very well off & she works for him, arranging all his merchandise, in his warehouse for free, ” takes care of him”, with no questions asked! However, he NEVER really ended things with me. Ended our so called love affair, blamed me for everything, I was crazy, bi- polar, jealous, insecure yada yada yada! Then kept ME on the side, texting me dailey, using me for sex, telling me how he didn’t love the long time supply, but I MADE him go back to her because of all my behavior. He has lied, cheated, broken every promise he ever made to me, is now telling her he never sees me,talked horrible about me to very one he new, yet still expects me to talk to him, to go along with his awful treatment and to see him whenever he wants! I DID THIS FOR THREE MORE YEARS, I WAS NOR MYSELF. I have been so depressed, unhappy all this time. Still holding on to the belief that I did everything wrong and he always says if I could change we could have been together again! THANK GOD I FOUND YOU & THIS SITE, I stRted the no contact but slipped several times, he is so convincing and I thought he loved me! OMG!, well, I blocked his number, changed my email and I am finally going to be able to move forward and get dome peace in my life again. You have helped me so much, I would have never understood what he was doing to me and why I was letting this go on if it was not gorgeous reading all these articles.
Your story is exactly like mine!! I am just now figuring out what happened to me!! Denial is hard to overcome. Thank you for what you said. Reading other people’s stories let’s me know I am not crazy and gives me the strength to remember what it was like back in the day when I had my self esteem and confidence!
Your articles continue to inspire me to stay strong and never allow this kind of monster in my life again … I’m a shell of the vibrant gorgeous lively woman I was … I’m picking up pieces of myself everywhere … Finding rest after months of my body being under high stress and walking on eggshells … My children , friends , coworkers and family are standing beside me cheering me on .. Even my 6 year old grand daughter hated him and would ask me why I let him make me so sad and cry all the time .. She openly told my friends she hated him cause he hurts me …thank you lord for all the support I’m finding here and thank you savannah – you are an angel
i need help. 17 yrs in so i have pretty good experience with NPD. the only struggles i still have is ..the mirror.
the mirror is this : i have transformed from loving, giving, emotional to cold, stiff, angry due to the overwhelming abuse both physical and psychological. now i see myself as an N, so im not sure who is the creator of crazy making anymore. when he says its me i believe him. it causes confusion in me soo bad that i have identity issues. my therapist is helping me with these but he does also insist we are both crazy making. if i continue to think its me.. i feel i cant leave. this terrifies me. i need help in overcoming this strong feeling. its the only one keeping me in this broken, loveless, trustless, emotionless, raging miserable existence.
Mich when I was in the begging and pleading, stage trying to keep my Narc, I took all of the blame. Everything was my fault. It had to be. And it all fit in well with the ‘I’m not good enough,’ mask I wore all the time. You see, if everything was my fault, then we could fix it. I could fix it and then we could work it out. People pleasers love-love-love to take responsibility for things they shouldn’t. In contrast Narcs take responsibility for nothing, nothing is their fault. I think you know you’ve reached a healthy place when you can look back at it and see not only their part, but the part you played as well.
I don’t doubt that there is a big part of you that is in need of mending and healing. But you sound like you are awake now. Now you know and once you know you can’t ever feign ignorance again. As Oprah says, “When you know better, you do better.”
When you have had it ingrained into you, like I did, that you can’t make it on your own, leaving seems impossible. I was lucky in one regard – I was tossed out without a care – I didn’t have a choice – it was either sink without him or swim for my life. Luckily I chose to swim.
I think the fact that you are reading as much as you can about this, shows that you are moving in the right direction. Don’t beat yourself up, when you are ready to leave – you will know it. Keep reading and stay strong.
@narcrepellent Again!!! so refreshing and helpful to know that everything that I experienced with this N, I wasn’t alone. Just to know that I wasn’t loosing my mind, and that others are out here for me to heal and move on with, and not look back!!!! I can relate to what you are saying about things happening for you now that you have discarded the “dressed up trash can ” LOL!!! It seems like the world was waiting… I too have gotten some unexpected recovery items in my life 🙂 that were lost due to dealing with IT!!!! I would have been the one going to his apartment destroying his property or busting his car windows out!!! but my car was down, so in this entire ordeal of breaking up, I did not have any transportation, and we now live (THANKFUL) miles away from each other. However, things are mending… getting my bills current, health is excellent, not worrying, no high blood pressures 🙂 and a new vehicle! And I’m in Good spirits… and as for dating? I’m just working on me and spending more quality time with friends and family… This N, was sooooo jealous of what I had in family, now I realize why I became reclusive towards my family and friends, his awful dysfunction was resonating in my good spirit and breaking the ties and bonds that I had with my family.
Lastly, although I shouldn’t, I peek in on his fb page 🙁 He is ruining the new supply’s life, lol I wish I could spare her 🙂
My current partner and I have a very long history, and I starting to think she might be an N. We met when we were both 13, became really good friends, but I had to move out of the country. However, we still kept in touch, messaging each other pretty much every night. We came out to each other as being lesbians when we were both 15 and I admitted to her liking her when I still lived in the states, and soon after we began a long distance relationship that was amazing in the beginning, but in the end she just kept hurting me and hurting me until she finally found someone else and left. About a year went without me hearing so much as a word from her, and I moved back to the U.S. (in a different state than her). She then decided to send me this message via msn saying she still loved me, that she felt horrible for what she had done (especially because her then gf had cheated on her and left), but that she wouldn’t continue to talk to me because we were still far away (and I we were 17 at the time, so we couldn’t even move in together even if we want to).
Fast forward a couple more years, she finds another girl and is apparently in this really happy relationship, and I am in a relationship of my own, and she gets my phone number from an acquaintance we had in common. I wasn’t so happy in the relationship I was in (I was then together with my then girlfriend for almost 3 years), and really never got over my N. We talked for a while as friends and she tells me about how amazing her gf is, how everything is going so well, etc. but that she missed having me as a friend and well… I missed her friendship, too. So we started talking again but within months it was clear she didn’t just want to be my friend, and started flirting constantly via text messages until I was on her feet again. She started having serious problems in her relationship at the time, too, including physical abuse (her partner allegedly drew blood from her). She kept saying how much she wished she was with me, how much she loved me, but that she loved her gf too, and couldn’t leave her. I confronted her innumerous times to make a decision (afterall I still had a relationship of my own, and was not proud of what I was doing and felt extremely guilty all the time), and she kept telling me time after time that she couldn’t. On the same note she told me more than one time that “she never promised me she was going to leave her gf for me.” While she never said it with exactly these words, she did act and treat me as if she was about to do that any second, so it really confused me and drained me. On top of it all, she just kept saying over and over again how “I was always too good for her” and “she didn’t didn’t deserve me.”
The day came when she said she got too guilty and told her the gf about us, which meant we had to stop talking, so that their relationship could survive. I respected it, though it hurt me with every fiber of my being, and decided to shift the focus to the relationship I had instead (which was by now obviously not going well either). Three months afterward with little to no contact, I went back to my home country to visit family and friends, and while I was there, she texts me saying she misses me (as a friend, again). I decided to not fall for it, and since I was with my family and friends, I felt like I could fight off the urge to get into the cycle again. Then, it happened… me and my then gf, who were already in a rocky relationship, broke up. No one in the U.S. knew, no one but my mom and my sister really knew. Two days afterward, my N sends me a text saying her gf broke up with her and she wants to die because “she was the love of her life, she was gonna marry her.” I was obviously in a very, very tender place emotionally because of my own brake up, so I gave in (she always made me feel like she really understood me, and the way we talked to each other I have never been able to have that connection with anyone else).
A month after her break up, and a lot of intense talking, she finally tells me she loves me and that this time is willing to do anything to be with me. She booked a flight, and we finally saw each other in the beginning of March (after 7 years). I had what was probably one of the most amazing weeks of my life. The conversation was intense, the sex mind-blowing, she attended to my every wish and need. She asked me out, formally, before she had to go back home, and me, completely enchanted, said yes
Now we have been, again, long-distance dating for about 2 months, and will be seeing each other again for about a month (she’s visiting me again, flight booked and everything). However, she’s been showing some red-flags. For instance, we have a very busy schedule (both college students working part-time, and she has a very rigorous work out routine on top of that), so I asked her that we should have ONE fixed skype-date night a week, so even if we didn’t have time to talk as much during the week because of our commitments, we could have that time to reconnect. She not only refused to do it, but said I was being too demanding, and wasn’t respecting the fact she needs to also spend time with her friends, and she can’t always tell when they will be able to hang out so she needs to be somewhat flexible. Am I asking for too much? Am I crazy? Or has she really changed and I should trust her? I mean we still talk a lot via text, and she will phone call me for about an hour every week. But more importantly yet, is she an N? Should I run for my life? I don’t know what to do….
@narcrepellent this idiot N is 45 years just born! LOL he was separated from his wife of 20 years when I met him. How about RED FLAG!!!!! waving at me, but I’m so wounded I fell for the bait! Of course the wife did him wrong, left him after he was so great to her, blah blah blah! She hit the road, and never looked back. If only I had been educated more about N’s 5 years ago. The hilarious thing is: I can recall every warning, every red flag! I feel violated sometimes, I mean emotionally violated. My genuine feelings taken hostage by a Empty, Lonely person, that is oblivious to the brokenness the contribute too. and his chaos continues…. Blah Blah BlAHHHH
@ShayShay — That’s the hardest thing for me to get over — the fact that the man I invested so much time (and unfortunately, money) in did not love me, could never love me, viewed me as an object to be controlled, as though my only purpose in life was to cater to his needs and “serve” him.
In my previous relationships that did not work out, I was able to walk away at least knowing that they loved me to the best of their ability and cared about me as a person. Not my ex N.
I’m finally at that point where I am telling myself that he is not worth anymore of my thoughts, time or energy. Staying angry at him is a waste of energy. Venting about him to friends is waste of everyone’s time. Like Savannah said in one of her posts, it’s not worth grieving and mourning over a relationship that essentially never existed.
I’m at that point where I’ve realized, and actually believe — that I don’t need a man to validate me and my life. While falling in love (with the right person) is wonderful, and it is nice and comforting to have an intimate best friend, that closeness and support to come home to, I don’t need a relationship to fill me up that way. For a long time in my life (because of childhood issues) I sought relationships to “complete” me. For years even when I was younger, free and happy (so I thought) it felt like something was “missing” in my life. I used to feel a pang of longing when I hung out with friends who were happily coupled. Now I know that void was not the absence of a man in my life, it was a spiritual and emotional void within myself that I wasn’t aware of and wasn’t fixing.
At last, I’m OK with just living my life, taking care of myself, and doing what I want.
Didn’t mean for this comment to run this long, but I guess I just want to assure you and everyone else on this site that your life WILL get better once your N is gone, and you WILL be surprised how it will happen.
It’s been two months now. Since leaving my N, investing in myself and changing my attitude and outlook, I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, without intense exercise. I’ve just been eating a much better diet (the foods I want, not what he wants) and cut way, way back on drinking. I got my finances back in order, extra money came my way without me looking for it. I have bought a few nice things for myself since.
What amazed me the most this past two months is how doors have seemed to just open for me since I left him, doors that I thought had closed shut. A week after leaving him, I suddenly got flooded with work-related event invitations, even though I was socially blacklisted for a while by my industry contacts — they had STOPPED extending me invites while I was dating my N. Friends that my N tried to isolate me from have come out of the woodwork, even though I didn’t tell or broadcast to them that I left him. I’ve been meeting a lot of new people, and have received career advancement opportunities. I’ve been way more assertive at work and in my personal life than I had been in a long, long time.
This may sound strange, but it’s almost as if the universe was punishing me, sending me signs because I chose to be with my N — SO MANY other aspects of my life went terribly wrong while I was with him. I was searching while I new job while I was with him, and my best friends said something that resonated with me: “You are NOT going to find a new, great opportunity until you get rid of the garbage in your life that’s weighing you down.” She was right.
Anyway, there is HOPE to reclaim your life/lives. And once you do that, the money and material goods that you lost in the relationship will also start coming back. Believe me, it will!
@exharemgal You are not even in the corner by yourself! I thought I was the one too! I thought I was going to be the one, because he was the one!!! What a freakin slap in the face!!!! he ain’t NOTHING!!!!!! lol We are just part of the crazed plans these N’s plot out in their sick empty hearts. I admit, it is so hard some days to not think about what you sacrificed, but listen…. Think forward as much as you can, realize your worth and UNDERSTAND HIS WORTHLESS ASS!!!! I’m with you, I know where your heart is at times, but be strong, keep reading and sharing. Your healing is already done 🙂
All I can do, when I read these articles from Savannah is smh! So rich in knowledge and experience of this “heart attack”. I think of All I gave and sacrificed myself for, for such a dysfunctional asshole! I even included my family members in his bs! he uprooted from another state to come and be with me (sooooo I was manipulated to believe) No place to live, No employment, NOTHING!!!!! I had to ask a family member, if he could play house with them until he got on his feet 🙁 A BIG EMBARRASSMENT!!!! moving along, he got a smig of independence, could not keep it, LOL!!!! I finally got a place, he already had a plan!!! he moved in on me, never asked!!!! It was a Disaster. I was experiencing the signs then, but blinded by HIS Academy Award acting to manipulate!!!! I lost myself dealing with this Narc. it was so easy, especially because I NOW realize I have a pattern of dealing with this type 🙁 it is so very much to share, as with all of us here on this blog, in this circle, its just not enough Anything to do so! Savannah, this information and insight into what we have experienced, and how to manage the attack on our hearts has helped me look thru the window with no cracks… KUDOS!!!!
@ShayShay — How old is your N? I’m just curious.
I ask because my ex N was the same way/type. He’s as irresponsible with money, credit and life in general as a spoiled teenager, but is a 34-year-old grown ass man. He also really pushed his way into my life, and I see now that he targeted me because I have more “things” than he does, lived alone in the city an am responsible.
Has no career to speak of, no concept of money (because his mom supported him for so long and STILL supports him and his brother) has barely any belongings and never even had an apartment lease in his own name, which I found out when it was too late. I don’t even think he qualifies to have a cellphone plan with a contract. I don’t forsee him owning a home in the next couple of decades, on his own.
I’ve decided that’s a HUGE thing I need to consider and look for from now on when dating. I don’t care how tall a man is, how handsome he is, or how much money he has or doesn’t have. Is he fiscally responsible with what he DOES have? That’s huge.
I may have to start asking for credit scores on my future dates lol
I am also a victim of a covert-taking, inverted Narcissist. Even though I am finally accepting and answering the questions of why in the hell I allowed this to happen in the first place (giving away so much of my power), I am still mad as hell about it.
Yes, I know that I have the capability of healing and having a real, fulfilling life, and he never will. I truly do believe that the best revenge is to be happy. However, I can’t stand the fact that he will continue on with his life of victimizing women and not having to pay any consequences for it!
Did the man who abused the feminist author have to pay any consequences for what he did? Probably not. Instead, the author was accused of being a liar, bipolar and crazy. Even though he was very publicly outed as being a narcissistic abuser, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s had zero problems dating and shacked up with another woman since.
I personally think Ns like my ex and the man who abused the feminist author are some of the most potentially dangerous people in society, as well as the most non-productive. N’s like my ex contribute absolutely nothing, to anything, since many of them can’t even bother to work (thus won’t pay very much taxes).
One political party has long (and unfairly) attacked single mothers and people on public assistance as being the dregs of society. I disagree. It’s Narcissists who are.
I had to read this twice – so insightful. It’s ironic how a famous feminist writer can become the prey of a narcissist, but it is not surprising after reading this blog. This kind of understanding is the “cure” for being a doormat IMO, thank you Savannah!
Wow. This is exactly my situation. The Covert-Taker is what I’ve been unknowingly struggling against for 28 years. I’ve also fallen hard into all the love traps. Thank you for making my narc so clear to me.
Thank you for this great article. I feel exactly the same pain. I’m a phd student and am very sensible and logic in my life. But all these qualities doesn’t stop me falling for someone who makes me longing and sad again and again. Yesterday I set filter in my gmail to block his email and wrote to him to tell him that this is impossible to work. It’s painful when you cannot feel any right empathy from someone who you almost want to devote yourself to. So I’d say losing his “favor” really makes feel relieved. Of course it sucks to feel lonely when you no longer receiving these long, passionate emails from a successive businessman (based on how busy he is, it seems like quite flattering to have this much attention), but now I do think his “favor” will forever torch me and make me crazy. I don’t want someone like this in our life. And thank you for this great article to help me forgive myself and see the situation clearly.
Thanks, and just saying that we will probably all need the support now and then of each other as we (or the narcissist) waxes and wanes in the cycle. I think the point of taking care of ourselves is very big. My narcissist had insisted that I go to one of his therapy sessions shortly before the divorce, and the thing that his therapist said looking directly at me at me the end of the session was “It is always important to take care of oneself.” Then he turned to husband and said, “Now you and I need to schedule your next session in your process of letting go,” or some such thing. I need to always remember those last few words. “It is always important to take care of oneself.”
Again, another “dead on” article. I sacrificed my heart, soul, mental and physical health for a man that I knew was not capable of love (he even admitted this)…in hope that I would be the one to prove him wrong…I would be the one to finally make him happy…he would choose me to spend the rest of his life with….boy was I mistaken. It has been a hard lesson to learn. How “crazy” was it that I thought I had the power to actually “change” someone?