I get a lot of emails every day and I read every single one of them. This week I received an email from a reader that literally brought me to tears. The author so eloquently described her depression, her pain, her suffering and her desire to end her own life. The pain had become so unbearable, that suicide seemed like the best option for her.
I went for a walk after reading her email, to clear my head and get some perspective. As I walked I asked the universe, ‘what can I say to this poor woman that could possibly ease her suffering? How can I help these people get past their pain and see their true potential?’
I’ve been where most of you are now. When I started this little blog 11 months ago, I believed that I had something to offer and I wanted to be a beacon for those that were hurting like I was. At the beginning, I was lucky if I got a couple hundred page views a month. Now almost a year into this, I get an average of 60,000 page views a month. If you ask any blogger they will tell you – that’s a lot, especially after only one year. But what this told me was that I was not alone. It told me that so many people are in so much pain and desperately trying to find a way out of it.
When my struggle began, I had just been in a car accident and my mother was killed. Within weeks, my long term Narcissist left me for another woman. I lost my job, both my parents were dead. I lost my house, my car. I had no friends (thanks to my Narcissist), no money and I was totally alone in this world. All of those things that make us feel safe and secure were gone for me. It felt like the carpet had been pulled, right from under me, and I was falling into no-mans-land. The pain and fear were unrelenting and I longed for death to release me from this suffering.
I had never known depression before and it consumed me. All I wanted to do was stay under the covers and not move. I stopped eating – I stopped living.
All the while I kept hearing this little voice in my head. It said, “You are not this pain. You are not what happened to you. You are so much bigger than this. You are a limitless being and the epitome of all possibilities. Wake up Savannah. Wake up. There is much for you to do.”
If you would have seen my car after the accident, you would be thinking, ‘there is no way you should be alive right now.’ We were hit by two transport trucks. It looked like it had gone through one of those metal compactors. But I crawled out relatively unscathed, my mother did not. I asked the universe so many times, ‘why did I survive this, when living hurts so much?’
I can see that the culmination of all of this tragedy that happened, seemingly all at once, was my wake-up call. I hated my life. I hated my partner. I hated my job. I couldn’t breathe. I would have panic attacks every morning and every night, but I was unwilling to do anything about it. I felt trapped and in one big bang everything changed.
When we won’t do for ourselves, the universe has a way of getting our attention. If we don’t get up – it pulls the chair out from under us and gives us no other option, but to stand up.
Even though it wasn’t clear to me at the time, there was a purpose for all of the hurt that I had experienced throughout my whole life, but I needed to wake up and become the star in my own life, before I would ever be able to see it. I was so miserable before the accident and I was slowly dying. The universe kept telling me, giving me hints that things needed to change, but I stubbornly didn’t listen.
“Wake up Savannah. Wake up. There is much for you to do.”
More often than not we don’t change unless we are given no other option. I had no one to take care of me – no one to support me. Nowhere to turn to. I had to fight for my life, or give up and die.
I chose to fight and some of the thoughts that drove me were, ‘I’m not going to let this beat me. I’m stronger than this. He will not have a better life than me. The best revenge is living well and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.’
The moment I adopted this belief, it fueled me and my focus became so in tuned I could see nothing else, but the realization of my goal. I had so much anger, hurt and anxiety I began running. It was the only way to relieve the tension. I was in the gym for two hours a day, every day and I would follow that up with an hour walk in nature, or a swim. The endorphins from all that exercise were a natural rush. I was looking better and feeling better. My head was getting clearer and I started to finally see the bigger picture.
When you are in pain and suffering you are out of sync with who you really are. This is nature’s way of telling you that you are not doing what you should be doing and you are not with, who you are supposed to be with. You are not being authentically you and you are living in fear.
When you are in sync there is a serenity, a balance and everything flows in a beautiful, peaceful harmony. There are no huge peaks and valleys. Your emotions speak to you. They are a guidance system that tells you where you are. If you are on course, or off course. That is how you know.
As I got further away from my pain I was able to see my purpose. I could see that everything in my life unfolded exactly how it was supposed to. I was raised by the parents that I was supposed to be. I endured the neglect, the shame, criticism and humiliation in childhood that I was supposed to. I became involved with all of the men in my life that I was supposed to be involved with. All of it was supposed to happen and erupt into one big bang. And that bang was my wake up call. So many people go through their lives asleep. Never knowing their purpose, or their potential.
I can’t draw. I can’t play an instrument. I’m not artsy at all. But I can write and I can analyze things really well. I have a huge heart and an even bigger desire to help people.
I have tried and failed at so many things in my life, but when you find your purpose it all fits together. It stops being a struggle. It stops being work. If I hadn’t faced all of that pain and adversity I couldn’t write this blog. I couldn’t do what I am supposed to do. It was all necessary.
When I meet someone new, a friend, or a love interest, as soon as I sense my emotions start to feel out of balance, or I sense the relationship is going to go through peaks and valleys I step out with no apologies. I have learned to use my feelings as my navigational system. I don’t owe anyone my time or a place in my life. My harmony and balance are sacred and I have no time for any one or thing that threatens that balance.
I don’t hold any ill will for my long term narcissist. As far as I know he is still with the woman he left me for. I know that she got pregnant a few months after I left our house and I know he married her. I don’t envy her because I know he hasn’t changed. I know he is asleep in this life and always will be. Sure she won him, but I won me and I wouldn’t trade the two for anything.
I am grateful for the pain he cause me, because it opened my eyes and I am now fully awake and living my purpose. How could having a relationship with a small, close minded, angry, selfish person ever compare?
He is but one small man and I am a giant, eternal spirit that cannot be broken. How could I allow myself to be defeated by such an insignificant situation? The one thing I know for sure, is that I needed to be there, before I could be here.
When I was at my lowest I whispered to the universe, “I cannot take this pain anymore. I cannot carry this burden. Help me. I surrender.” Being at the very bottom is a magical place. It’s hard to put into words. You are so raw and peeled down to your very core. You feel so fragile, that you could break into pieces, at the slightest breeze. You become a better listener, by that I mean, that you can hear things that you couldn’t hear before. You find meaning where you would have missed it before. When the universe speaks you can truly hear it. I know I wasn’t alone down there in the darkness. I was being guided by something much greater than myself and that can only happen when you surrender to it.
As I clawed my way through, everything that I needed came to me. Money, books, information, opportunities and even the right people, at just the right time. I even dated a web designer many years ago. He’s become one of my best friends and created this site for me. Coincidence??? No way.
I had to let go and allow the old me to die before I could be reborn. I realized that no one person is an island. That nothing was greater, or more powerful than the spirit inside of me. I was so much more than my pain, so much more than my suffering and that all of it was necessary and unfolding exactly how it was supposed to. I realized that I was never alone. It was one heck of a journey, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
‘You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?’
The Lord replied,
‘The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
It is then, that I carried you.’
-Mary Stevenson
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I am thankful with my narcissist too. I had a great wake up call in this lifetime. We are not alone. God has been guiding us all the time. Same as your experience, I am rebuilding my life and living authentically now.
“Footprints in the Sand” & “I know [s]he is asleep in this life and always will be.”
Mary Stevenson’s dream of walking across the sand with the Lord sustained me through several terrifying periods of my life, the most terrifying of which was a divorce proceeding culminating in obtaining custody of my 4 year old daughter. I’ve since raised her, alone, through her graduation from high school and through her graduation from a great university with degrees in psychology and political science.
I never remarried, but recently came close . . . until 8 months ago when my fiancé called unexpectedly to terminate (“discard”) our relationship. She is a psychiatrist by profession. Until her “discard” I did not fully understand what lurks behind the beautiful persona she projects or, more accurately, the emotional emptiness behind that mask, which permits her to competently treat so many patients without feeling empathy for their individual life circumstances. There were, in hindsight, a few red flags to the shallowness of her feelings for me. Had I been able to love her into wakefulness, perhaps we could have built a fulfilling life together, but not without making it more difficult for her to treat so many people. Sometimes, we have room for only so much in our lives. And conditions like narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, and/or the demands of our careers, render a full life with another person impossible to achieve no matter how much effort both parties to a relationship devote to that objective.
I believe, Savannah, your sensitivity and wisdom penetrate to the heart of the issue. Some folks will choose to sleep through this life without risking love. vulnerability and trust with another human being. They will do so without self-reflection, hiding behind their untreated disorders, their demanding professions, or their fears of true intimacy. Living awake requires courage to break through or over the walls of our limitations to achieve a balanced life. Only we can do that for ourselves. But I also believe we can count on a higher power to carry us when we occasionally fall flat on our faces.
Thankyou
Your blog gives me such courage, strength and hope. Thank you for sharing your story and the wisdom from your healing.
Savannah, your blog has helped me immensely and I want to thank you so much for helping so many people who are going through emotional turmoil. I was involved in a serious relationship with a Narc/Emotionally Unavailable man for years. He would dump me completely randomly, sleep with other women during our “breaks” (which would only last for 3-4 weeks), then come back to me – only for the vicious cycle to repeat itself all over again. The first time this happened, I was completely shattered. I frequently fantasized about suicide because I couldn’t cope with the heartbreaking betrayal and dysfunction I had gone through. It literally took a year (and another break) for my rage and resentment to subside, even though he slept with another woman during our 2nd break. Now, we are on our third breakup and this time is vastly different. I feel much stronger and my eyes are more opened. I don’t have that heavy hearted feeling that I had the previous times – in fact my chest feels light. Before our third (probably last) breakup, I experienced so many mystical signs telling me to go back home and leave my ex – my mom asking me to come home, my hometown friends reaching out to me randomly after not talking to them for awhile, getting messages from my local church… I can’t really explain it, I just knew that the Universe was trying to tell me that I needed to leave him and go back home. He got a job far away and decided to move. I was really on the fence about moving with him until I tried to have a heartfelt conversation with him and he completely dismissed my attempt. Then and there I realized that I would never be able to have any real, heartfelt conversations with him because he is that emotionally shut-off. So, for the first time in YEARS, I decided to follow the signs. I went back home and i’ve been here for less than a week now. Reading your blog every day has really helped and I am so hopeful about the future. I look forward to being single for awhile and working on bettering myself. I look forward to learning on how to make myself happy and not relying on someone else to make me happy (from your blog, I realized that i’m a textbook co-dependent.) I look forward to working on inner strength. At times I miss him and desperately want to contact him, but i’m determined to go through with the “No Contact” rule because I know that ultimately doing that would just create heartache for myself. I just can’t victimize myself anymore, especially over a Narcissist who i’ve invested years into who could really care less about my feelings. There’s just no point in trying to get through to Narcs – you’re not going to do it. Their opinions/feelings/thoughts trump all. Thank you so much for all your help and insight Savannah. If you’re reading this and currently experiencing heartbreak, remember to NEVER ignore or make excuses when you see red flags! Breakups are a great opportunity to reflect and change yourself for the better. Always go with your intuition (especially if your intuition is telling you that the person you’re with is a scumbag) and remember that time heals all wounds.
Footprints in the Sand……..absolutely beautiful, the last sentence brought tears to my eyes, seems so true after we are left broken and feel defeated with nowhere left to go. Life gives us the strength to carry on when we are seemingly left with nothing. I left my ex narc, left my house, everything in it, all my possessions, just took my two kids and some clothes, everything worked out fine, got my life back, money, new home, me and the children are now happy.
Thank you for moving words. When I read this I felt a sense of relief. A sense that someone does understand how much it hurts. My ex has an undiagnosed mental illness with Narc traits and he has devastated me and my daughter. I have been never been so broken. So brainwashed. Looking back I wish I had done so many things differently. I wish I had held on tighter to my true self. I lost myself. I became what he wanted me to be. I took his words as it was the bible. I let him physically, mentally and verbally abuse me in front of my daughter. And I hate myself for that. I am picking up the pieces of my life. I am slowly moving on. Everyday is a struggle. I feel as if he took my soul and I am empty. Your words eased some of my pain. Thank you.
Savannah, your story and the pain and suffering described by the many women can identify with the story of Job in the Bible. We have to have faith that God can retore us, even when things aren’t looking good at the time. My son lost his business and his wife all in the same year and contemplated suicide. a few years late he has a beautiful new lady who has a heart of gold and he also progressed to restore his place in the thriving business world to where he is doing better than ever. Don’t give up on yourself. Find strength in God’s Promises.
Thank you Savannah! I’m so glad I found your pg. I come here daily and just read your articles and read the stories of so many people that are hurting or have hurt just like me…
I cycle these days between anger and rage at my Narcissist ex, sadness and grief over what she did to me, numbness and confusion as I go over the relationship backwards (starting with the discard phase, when I became fully aware how little she felt; recalling all the devaluing incidents, the lack of empathy, the “abandoned and malignant heart” I kept trying to engage and make excuses for; and all the way back to the “overvaluation stage” when I got hooked and hooked good by a skilled con artist with the moral sensibility of a lizard).
But mixed in occasionally there is some empathy, hard as that may be to believe. I can’t help it, it is in my loving nature. I will not act on it (that instinct nearly killed me with her!), I will maintain strict No Contact (despite revenge fantasies where I play off her her narcissistic traits, let her text and say hi as she explores whether I am ready to be “supply” for her again, lure her in with praise etc., then discard her — BOOM! — out of the blue; something that is sure to cause any narcissist intense pain).
But mixed in with these feelings is empathy.
I pulled up a poem she wrote during the early overvaluation stage; and while it is (I see now) mostly a clever mimic of what a real person would feel as they fell in love, there was an undertone of pain and sadness that was unmistakable. Though she is incapable of real feelings, some tiny spark of humanity spoke through her subconscious and disclosed intense pain and suffering. I attributed the dark tone at the time to the other “failed relationships” she always talked about (a great sob story, sure to hook in a codependent rescuer like yours truly — leading me to say to her “that won’t happen this time! I am different! I will care so much it will knock your socks off!” Oh yeah . . .). But now I see this poem of hers as a very sad, poignant expression of the deep and lifelong pain that comes from using people all the time, every time.
There are poignant images of this kind of pain in some science fiction, where androids become advanced enough to comprehend just what it is they are missing in not being fully human. One famous science fiction book is called “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” (It became the movie Bladerunner.)
As an aside, I wonder: do narcissists dream of self-centered sheep?
But back to the narcissist’s unintentionally revealing poem: Two lines in this poem really stood out. One was the image of blossoms on a tree, and the blossom expresses her deepest fear. It is not strong wind or hot sun, but falling on the ground and being forgotten — which psychologists say, universally, is the deepest and most profound fear of any narcissist. The other line talks about when we lie together and our breathing comes into synchronization; it says, “while your breathing is slo close my heart whispers in sorrow.” I could not understand the darkness of that line at the time I was falling in love; sorrow was the furthest thing from my mind. I was “over the moon” as they say. But now I understand:
Imagine living your life behind a glass wall. You watch everyone else, and learn to mimic their behavior, but you never actually touch anyone. Your sense of touch is stunted by constant contact with the cold, unyielding glass.
But someone comes and stands next to you for a long time. You can’t actually touch them, but their presence, their vitality, their life force warms the glass. And for just one moment you come close to knowing what it might feel like on the other side of the glass. You might get a small glimmer of the gift of human touch.
Wouldn’t that make even the coldest stone heart whisper in sadness: “So that is touch. I will never know that . . .”
To repeat: this empathy will NOT affect my behavior with the narcissist. She is like the creatures in the movie Alien; you DO NOT let them back in your spaceship (my life) ever under any circumstances. But if I feel a slight twinge of empathy as the creature is flushed into space to drift for all time, well, that’s a good sign. That’s why I am not them.
Besides, my pastor at church says, about sin: The sin IS the punishment. By that standard she is punished, and punished severely, evert day of her life as she lies and manipulates her way through a sad and lonely life.
Every time I read your blog I am reminded that I am stronger and will not allow him to defeat me. It’s amazing how our minds wonder back to sweet memories instead of the horror … Just taking my little one for ice cream and suddenly I was flooded with the memory of the last time he took me for ice cream .. He was so sweet so adoring and I thought once again maybe he can change … Hours later I was raged at for trying to take my phone from him as he went thru my emails and was deleting contacts he felt I didn’t need ???
My god what am I missing when,up heart aches for those sweet times ???
My lovely sister wrote this open for me last year deep in my despair .. She gave it to me yesterday
It brought tears to my eyes and gives me strength.
I hope whoever reads it will be inspired to stay strong.
The Chosen Burden
I choose to allow you to darken my world
and by my own need to belong to someone
You accomplish this day after day with the destruction of my soul. Masked with kindness and soaked with insecurities you pretend to be the sole vein in this world that supplies my body with warm blood. My eyes are covered with fear that blinds me from my truth .. The very truth that may set my weary spirit free. although I cannot see at this moment still I will stumble blindly to my freedom,
No matter how many times my legs will fail … I shall stand up and walk … I shall stand up soon I will run like the wind … My eyes will then reopen and I will embrace that lose free spirit named Jennifer …. I can almost see her waiting for me…
Freedom1 I love, love, love this poem. It’s gorgeous and so precisely descriptive of what a victim experiences.
I’ve been going through your site quite a bit the past few days. I’m just at 10 days from leaving my bad situation.
This post really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. We are not alone!
“When I was at my lowest I whispered to the universe, “I cannot take this pain anymore. I cannot carry this burden. Help me. I surrender.” Being at the very bottom is a magical place. It’s hard to put into words. You are so raw and peeled down to your very core. You feel so fragile, that you could break into pieces, at the slightest breeze. You become a better listener, by that I mean, that you can hear things that you couldn’t hear before. You find meaning where you would have missed it before. When the universe speaks you can truly hear it. I know I wasn’t alone down there in the darkness. I was being guided by something much greater than myself and that can only happen when you surrender to it.”
this is where im at-i hit rock bottom and i guess there is no place to go from here but up. I read that when your going through hell you need to keep going. Dying isnt an option for anyone until God decides its your time to go so like you said Savannah we have to fight for our lives,Dr Phil says life is managed its not cured. I know im better than this depression and lonliness and hurt in my heart that i feel everyday i deserve better and its my duty in life to do better for myself and be happier. im just so tired of feeling this way. When i started to question my faith in God is when i felt the loneliest and most depressed. God has seen me through time and time again but your right that everything we go through we are meant to go through but we dont see that rainbow till the rain stops and the sun is shining and there it is..God Bless you for this site its a blessing for me and many others. Stay strong xo
Savannah, I have no words to describe how this post resonates with me apart from thank you, Love, light and happiness always. Nameste x
i am currently in a mess that needs to stop now. after a 12 yr run using meth I see that both my husband and the guy my husband secretly needed me to keep around so he could could play his “player” cards & I’d be busy with other dude, and when not I’d be feeling guilty and try to stuff the reality of it all down with meth. My husband plays the hard working devoted husband who has waited patiently all this time for me to come around. He has completely snowed my entire family. He had some lame affair with my nasty also married cousin. I found all the evidence. It has divided my family and he hasn’t taken one step in fixing what he caused. He and my cousin deny it and one of them actually said to my sister that i made up the chat messages between the two of them. my point is I know now how low my husband will go. I’ve felt the pain of his punishment that i dared seek out someone to spend my time with while he worked 80 hours a week (thats what he always complained about) -to make everyone feel sorry for him. But he never worked 80 hours in a week. we lived to far away for people to learn he was saying he at work but he off manipulating people, going places and doing things with people I knew also but who now hated me. today like the author of this great article I’m seeing that what doesn’t kill me just made me stronger. I’m about to walk out of this ugly life and never look back. I’m jaded and my gut is always on target. Before I was too trusting and never questioned anything. Now I trust no one. I hope that changes.
Wow Savannah, thanks so much for this post. I don’t really have words to adequately thank you. My mother died in a very similar fashion.
If you don’t mind, I’ll reference one more poem by David Whyte, that augments my experience of your writing here:
SANTIAGO
The road seen, then not seen, the hillside
hiding then revealing the way you should take,
the road dropping away from you as if leaving you
to walk on thin air, then catching you, holding you up,
when you thought you would fall,
and the way forward always in the end
the way that you followed, the way that carried you
into your future, that brought you to this place,
no matter that it sometimes took your promise from you,
no matter that it always had to break your heart
along the way, the sense of having walked
from far inside yourself out into the revelation,
to have risked yourself for something that seemed
to stand both inside you and far beyond you,
that called you back in the end to the only road
you could follow, walking as you did, in your rags of love and speaking in the voice that by night
became a prayer for safe arrival…
© David Whyte
From SANTIAGO in Pilgrim: Poems by David Whyte
Many Rivers Press.
Hello,
I am left reeling from the relationship I was involved in. I was with him for 3 years and during that time the highs were higher than I had ever experienced and the lows were the lowest. I should have run after I found out that he was married with a newborn and he hid it from me, but at that point I was blind and in love. I can honestly say he was the first person I gave myself to completely both emotionally and physically. I was far from perfect in the relationship and now I’m left wondering about a lot of what-ifs. What if I had moved in with him, what if I spent more time with him, what if I had taken that trip with him, spent less time with family & friends and made him #1 in my life like he had made me in his, maybe we would still be together. He broke up with me last January, however, he never stopped contacting me and the last time we saw one another was this past August. He kept coming back and telling me he wanted to work things out and the one time I said ok I’m willing to try to do everything you want and how you want it, he didn’t show up because he said he didn’t believe me because I had reneged on moving in with him 2X and he couldn’t trust me. He wanted me to prove myself and my love for him because he said I was incapable of being an adult and a loving partner because I put my family, friends, and job above him.
Fast forward to now, I’m still in pain and I am paralyzed by the feeling of loss and sadness I feel. He’s moved in with a female “friend” and I know that he started seeing her while he was with me. He won’t disclose her name and address, and then tells me that it’s none of my business because we are no longer together but he went out of his way to tell me about how she was there for him unlike me and he refuses to stay away from me, ie., to not call, email, text, or send letters to my house. He pops in and out and it hurts me all over again. I have him blocked but he uses different numbers or old emails and every time it hurts me all over again. He has destroyed possessions and has physically and emotionally abused me and he has even spit on me. Why do I want him back? Why do I miss him? Why do I think I will never find anyone who loved me or made me feel the things I felt with him? I cannot sleep and cannot focus on my job. My thoughts are plagued by how happy I think he is with her- living, sleeping, and sharing their lives the way he had wanted to do with me. I’m jealous of her and how good he must be treating her and I’m lonely and miserable. He’s moved on and happy and I’m stuck.He’s still contacting me while he’s still with her. The pain is unbearable. Any comments would be appreciated.
Have loved & appreciated your blog for some months now…….to be honest I’m not sure about your Footprints in the Sand “poem?” tagged on at the end…???… your writing is strong enough without that
Thank You xxx
Savannah,I read your blog all the time.I’m going through hell as I have to live this until my divorce & finances are settled.35 years of misery,Im having panic attacks every other day.he gets up in the night to frighten me,but have to be strong and most of the time I am,but some days I fall…and i want to just die.Every day i wake up with hope that this day is coming soon..i know that it is..but its just outside my grasp at the moment.I sat on Christmas day and wrote on facebook something personal to the other woman in my ex husbands life.i felt so much better and would like to share it with you…. How do I start…well here goes…..To the woman who has been sleeping with my husband for a couple of years(you know who you are) I want to say thank you…yes’ thank you….For playing your part, you have given me the best present anyone could ever receive.The gift of FREEDOM..something I never had for 36 years. I have been beaten ,emotionally damaged, cheated on and living in misery… I didn’t have the courage to walk away until now.So now he is yours in a few weeks,well not just yours’ okay Jane at the bottom of the street,she has been having a piece of him too for quite some time too, so you will have to see which one he chooses.But I have no bitterness towards you…or her.When his mask falls beware’ it wont be long before the beast arises from the depths of hell to persecute you for all his failings… and there are many.The man has no conscience… so do not expect love..you will have a relationship with him..but on his terms only.He will never know what true love is..ever’..because you have to feel’ in your heart’….he cannot do that.You will be cheated on, be emotionally abused and all the things that I have been through….and yes’ he has told everyone that I am a crazy bitch and many believe him.But I don’t need clarification from anyone to know who I am.I am a good person that only wanted love,stability and peace in their heart.I never got that..and neither will you ….but you will have to take your own journey to know !! Your destination is not far away.!!!! This was he said to me on his 60th birthday and I quote: If my mum dies (she is 90 yrs old) I’ will be an orphan,there lies the problem…a boy beneath the man.
Merry Christmas.
Hi Savannah,
Great article as always. I have to laugh because you used all of the classic cliches in this one post…ha ha! But those same cliches is exactly what I have used to get myself through this very tough time. I hope your reader sees this posting and keeps the faith, realizing that there are others who have gone through the same thing.
I know at first it doesn’t seem like much consolation but I can say that I too begged the universe for reprieve, contemplated suicide on many occasions and even went so far as to plan out the contingency plan. But I am here to say that: IT GETS BETTER!!
Finding this community helped, reading up on the disorder has helped (I recommend “disarming the narcissist” and “You might be a narcissist if…”) particularly to see that it’s not ME, and finally spending a lot of time in deep reflection on why this happened to me, why it keeps happening to me, what I need to do in order to protect myself going forward (i.e., better boundaries, pay attention to flags etc.). Most of the books I read also offered discussions on why you may be susceptible to this particular breed of human being (most likely there was someone else in your life who was one too, like a parent). It’s important to remember that IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT but that there are steps you can take to prevent it from happening in the future but seeing it is the first step. It’s like Savannah said, “When I meet someone new, a friend, or a love interest, as soon as I sense my emotions start to feel out of balance, or I sense the relationship is going to go through peaks and valleys I step out with no apologies. I have learned to use my feelings as my navigational system.”
Love it! New Year’s Day late into the evening, I was lying in my bed knowing that the object of my affection was with another woman and had been so since New Year’s Eve. I had been involved with this man for a year. I was not nearly as miserable as I was desperate to find a way out of this mess.
I got up from my bed to plug in my electric blanket. While doing so, I said a little prayer, “Lord, please help me rid my spirit of this individual, please take the emotion from me. I don’t want to bring this relationship into a Newe Year.”
I returned to my bed, picked up my laptop and wrote him a letter. At first, I was thinking I would mail it to him. A friend told me to sleep on it. I googled “breaking up a relationship” and low and behold “Breaking up with a Narcissist” popped up. I figured what the heck, let me check this out. I nearly fainted.
The relationship I had been involved in for a year was in black and white on esteemology.com. Imagine how I felt when I saw in writing how he dismissed me literally over night — you said this in your blog. Between midnight and 6:00 am, everything about what we had been changed completely. Then I saw the “devaluing”. Just a week before he had said some pretty unflattering things to me.
Savannah, I know now with every fiber of my being my Savior directed me to your website. He directed me to you. I was ignorant of narcissim. I did not understand it to be a personality disorder. Now I know.
Thank you for your words. You were my wake-up call. You saved me from my own personal despair. Despite the counseling I was already receiving, I did not have a real understanding of why I was behaving in such a reckless manner until I read your site. That night I read every single post of your’s!
Best!
I am so excited to have found this website. I have been married to an Abuser who is a Narcissist for 13 years. I am in the process of reading all I can to arm myself with everything I need to be strong to divorce him. He has ruined my business, caused me to lose my home, ruined my credit, and done every single one of the Categories of emotional abuse, in Patricia Evans’ book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, plus he has gotten physically violent 38 times…I know that he is totally charming to everyone else, unless they question or disagree with him. He has lied about me and what happens in our marriage so much, and I tell him that God does see and record all that has gone on…He is REALLY mentally and emotionally sick, blaming me, lying, and physically and emotionally abusing me.
I have to do this very carefully. I filed a restraining order and police report and he was arrested for felony spousal abuse in Oct. 2012 and went to jail. He hit me again in June of 2013, and I filed again with the courts to get a restraining order. He lies so well and tells people I am bipolar and that’s why he won’t divorce me or end our relationship. I am not bipolar, I am suffering from the effects of all the countering, discounting, withholding love, attention, affection and communication, judging, criticizing, blaming, denial and spinning the truth to everyone he talks to. Went to a counselor and she told me she would have left him the first time he hit me….I love the “nice guy act” but realize as I educate myself, that his niceness is as real and genuine as his temper is short…I plan to find an attorney who understands Narcissists, file for divorce and never see or talk to him again. You spend time wondering why he treats you so badly and it’s all in his head, needing “Power Over” you, rather than being mutual. I am sick to death of all the game playing, manipulations, and he has done so many evil things to me, I do deserve more in my life. I should never have given him power to pay the bills, as this caused him to ruin my credit once he convinced me to give up my Billing Service….He is a charming, seemingly caring GREAT guy to others, but it’s a phony act/façade that he puts on and takes off like a coat. I am gathering evidence and strength to leave and divorce him. He is like dealing with all aspects of a bad guy, who tries to control you and your life….I read about a Narcissist and realized that is exactly what he does to me, and is like….I am just gathering emotional strength to do everything in advance, so I never have to deal with him, again. Does anyone know of an attorney in San Diego that’s good?
Thanks for having this information.
Thank you for another great blog,I to was at my lowest with my ex narcissist,depressed and tried to take my life,my anxiety was so high I couldn’t function eat or sleep and couldn’t work out why,I thought he loved me,as he said so but my intuition was screaming at me,saying your not safe with this person,I was obsessed with him and did not think I could service without him,I literally thought he was a god,which all narcissist think they are.i left him one year ago and at first I was relieved,but then my anxiety,panic,and suocide thoughts returned like a fruit train.he hoovered,and stalked me many times up until august,professing his love,I ingnored him,two weeks later he was with new supply,it hurts like hell,but I am doing much better,counseling,my own healing,stronger everyday,I know I will hit challenges,but my learning,knowledge,and gut instincts help me through difficult times.i am smileing again.working on my co dependency.love to you and all that are healing from this type of personality and the horrific abuse the inflict x
Oh, thank you so very much Savannah, for such a heartfelt piece of writing. It brought tears to my eyes at how you suffered, and in many ways also echoed my own journey.
It took me many years of reading and research until I realised what happened to me throughout my life, and your blog was one of the latter things which helped me to consolidate it all. Again thank you.
I totally agree with your thoughts about the universe, as that is exactly how I see things too. I know very well when I’m being given a lesson, the latest being a back injury on top of struggling with Chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia. But, you know what? It’s actually been a blessing in disguise because it’s slowed me down to doing the things I really need to do whilst resting from the unimportant stuff. And I’m doing more, oddly enough, because of it.
Again, thank you. Thank you for being your own beautiful self and thank you for sharing that. 🙂
Wow…..powerful words. I totally agree with you on this, every single word resonates. I understand all that you went through, and I understand your rebirth too. I finally found myself once released from the negativity, anger and selfishness of my ex. I am happier and more content than I could ever have believed. He had always told me that I couldn’t survive without him……I have!! 🙂
Savannah, your blog is the first one that showed me what I was dealing with this past year. You hit the nail on the head. It is unfathomably difficult to go through, the relationship cycle of the narcissist/psychopath… I am still going through it, and I understand that the one person in my life that I thought loved me..doesn’t..can’t. He is on the prowl, looking for others to give him that high that I did. I don’t so much anymore, I suppose. And the hardest part for me is that this changes what love is for me. It isn’t the wonderful connection, it isn’t the one person who sees me for me and loves all my quirks and flaws. It’s just your average garden variety tolerance. No lightning bolts, no fireworks. I guess that was all fake. I dreamed of being loved like that. I guess we all do. I hope that something good comes of this hurt. I will read this post again and again and hope that some of your victory will rub of on me.