I get a lot of emails asking a lot of the same types of questions and so this week I thought it might be a good idea to post some of the most common themes.
Question: I’ve been dating someone for almost a year and he will make plans with me and then he doesn’t show up. He doesn’t call me to cancel and I can’t reach him when I call. It makes me crazy, but he’s always got an excuse and then he is so nice to me after that it makes me overlook what he’s done. Why can’t he be like the nice him all the time and how can I get him to stop standing me up?
Answer: I like to deal in reality – and the first question I would ask you is how easy is it for you to change something about yourself? It’s not easy right? So trying to change other people is impossible. So if you’re waiting around for someone to change I’d suggest you rethink your strategy. He can’t be the nice guy all of the time because that’s not who he is. He’s nice because he wants something from you – your forgiveness, so he can keep doing what he’s been doing.
The bottom line is, if someone stands you up – baring a medical emergency, there is no excuse for it – come to think of it, even if there was a medical emergency I would still shoot a text message, “Sorry I broke my spleen, can’t make it for dinner.” Only a serious douche bag stands people up and then disappears so they don’t have to face any consequences.
When you aren’t wearing rose colored glasses the greens looks green and the reds look red and you’re not afraid to call something what it is. There is no excuse for that type of behavior. It is a betrayal of trust and it shows a massive lack of respect. It says, ‘I don’t care enough about you, or anyone else, to even give you the commonest of common courtesies. That’s who I am.’ If you can’t trust someone with their word then they can’t be trusted with anything and they’re not someone I would want to invest my emotional currency on. Sorry, but there really is no way else around that and if you brush off that behavior, like it’s no biggie, you are just giving an invitation for more of the same. You should never be ok with someone disrespecting you.
Question: It drives me nuts when I text my boyfriend and it takes him forever to text me back. Sometimes he will go days without answering me. Is this part blowing cold, or part of the discard process?
Answer: I like honesty and directness so here it is – he does that because you are not a priority to him. He does that because there are little to no consequences when he does it – he doesn’t fear that you will get pissed off enough to walk away from him and if you do he’s probably okay with that. That may sound harsh and it is, but if someone cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you, they will consistently behave in a manner that demonstrates that. You know the old adage, ‘actions speak louder than words.’
When I was involved with my last Boomerang Narcissist I can remember one day I was having a conversation with him via text. I was writing volumes and his responses were short and periodic. At the same time, a guy I knew, that had a crush on me, was also texting me volumes and I was the one responding to him with periodic short replies and at that minute I had a huge a-ha moment. It all made sense and I realized my Narcissist’s feelings for me were the same as my feelings for my friend, who had a crush on me, whom I had no interest in.
Question: My question is what is your opinion or insight on the mid-life crisis, specifically with men and what part does NPD or (being emotionally unavailable) have in it? Is it possible to exhibit behaviors to these disorders upon mid-life or do they just become more prevalent?
Answer: NPD is a pervasive disorder. Its onset is measured typically in late adolescence – not in mid-life. I won’t pretend to know the dynamics of a mid-life crisis. I do know that some people have a very difficult time with the aging process. Mid-life could trigger many different changes to someone’s behavior – depression, anxiety, fear, regrets, physical pain that may cause someone to emotionally pull away from their partner. If your spouse or partner didn’t exhibit the behaviors of NPD before middle age then they didn’t just develop it later in life. The best thing you can do is have a heart to heart talk with your partner and try to get them to open up about what’s going on with them.
Question: I’ve been dating a guy for about 6 months and things were great in the beginning. Over the last month or so he started to pull away. He started to ignore me and behaving just like what you wrote in the discard phase. Two days ago he told me not to call him anymore and that we were done. I don’t know what to do I’m devastated and I don’t know what I did wrong.
Answer: My dear you did nothing wrong. I think it’s important to understand that just because someone breaks up with us it doesn’t necessarily make them a Narcissist. He might be a Narcissist – I don’t know, but usually when there is a break up, it’s typically unpleasant and not everyone that does it suffers from a personality disorder.
I know you are probably looking for answers as to what happened, but you have to realize that sometimes people just aren’t the right fit and that doesn’t mean that you are responsible or lacking in any way. I’ll give you an example, my long term Narcissist was part Native American he had long shiny black hair, darkish skin, a strong square jaw – he was beautiful. He could have been on the cover of a romance novel. When I first started dating again after he left me I met someone that looked similar. Because of his appearance I was both drawn to him and repulsed by him at the same time. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my past experience. I didn’t treat him well and our relationship was short lived.
The bottom line is you don’t know what preexisting thoughts, prejudices, beliefs, issues fears, or flaws bounce around inside someone’s head. And besides sometimes people are mean, selfish jerks, that’s just who they are. It’s better you find out now, rather than when you’re married with 3 children and you really need them.
My dad said to me once after I had been dumped by my first love, “Don’t wallow, don’t pine, and don’t ever beg for someone to care about you when they don’t. Instead become the best you, you can be and make them eat their words.” So take the focus off of him and your hurt and put it onto you. Being hurt and angry is actually a great motivator for self-improvement – don’t waste it.
Question: I had a best friend that I realized was toxic and quite possibly a Narcissist. Everything was always all about her and on her terms and she would freak out if anyone ever said or did anything that made her look even slightly bad. It all came to a head one night and we had a screaming match and we both said we didn’t want to speak ever again. That was four months ago and I find I can’t believe I’m saying this but – I miss her. I wonder if she thinks about me and I wonder sometimes if I didn’t make a mistake.
Answer: It’s hard to lose a best friend, some say even harder than losing a spouse because you don’t ever expect to lose your best friend and with women you are generally a lot closer to your bestie than your husband. Your friend wasn’t all bad – no one is really all bad or all good and what you are missing is all the good times you spent together. What you have to keep in mind is that if you ended your relationship with her because she was unhealthy then you were actually doing something positive for yourself and taking care of you. You deserve to have friends that reciprocate your feelings and your behaviors. You have to remind yourself that you deserve to have people around you that are healthy and interested in you, but before you can do that you have to get to a healthy place first and by cleaning out your toxic friends it sounds like you’re on the right path. Keep being positive and doing right by you – soon you will attract the right kind of friends.
Your Comments!!!!!
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at freedigitalphotos.net
My narc is now asking for a 4 year time out on the ‘relationship’ after I told him I wont be moving in with him. we were married before but continued with this on-off relationship. went for couples theropy 2 yrs ago were he was diagnosed as being a narc. 3 days ago I wrote him a letter telling him that the relationship is over but now HE ask for time out – 4 yrs intil 24/10/2019 on my birthday – but he doenst want to accept that already ended the relationship. he seems to be selective as to what I write. what do I do now????
I have to say, I’ve read some very powerful and moving experiences. All who find the strength to love themselves and do the right thing..awesome! Thoes like me who keep trying, I know we’ll find our way when it’s right for us.. Never feel a failure or hopeless!
I have been with my partner faithfully for now 10 years. I somehow keep believing around the next corner he will become who I’ve always knew he would be. I experienced the extreme high when he couldn’t keep his hands off me and everyone else took second place to me. Now there is no interest in sex, he never find days to take off work to be with me, and he really values conversation with his male friends and father over me. This man..the one I held in my heart..started blaming me for our problems. He is very short with me and does not want to spend time discussing anything about our relationship. Worst of all he is easily angered (seriously) whe I correct him, question his motive or whereabouts, or tell him whAt I like or what makes me uncomfortable. He started calling me a f*@!*. bi*@! when anger overcomes him. It was addressed but it seems he feels entitled to call me whatever he wants.
Its’s time to care about me. I really would like to find someone who would cherish me as much as I would him. I am in my 50’s but feel there is still someone out there. From postings I know my childhood has brought me here but it can change. I have faith in myself..a bit slow..but there may be a reason for that.
Here’s to all you on the same path. We may stumble, but I feel there is a time and place for each of us to find our happiness!!!!!
Things do go wrong in life. But life is far to precious to loose more of the more info we receive in understanding narrcicicum. The better to be able to heal and love ourselves back to the future!! Thankful for this site. My awareness has grown which heals the pain that see.ed to keep coming in like the o ran. I’ve learned to be thankful and see the beauty that lice still is and not what isn’t . I lost the fear. And gained some peace thanks to all that reach out. Lundy Bancroft gave me a shock in reality. I relizied there’s to many wounded sweet mothers and children . this world needs more good. Men woman and children need our examples. I wish you all a full life lived and not lost . God Bless you all be brave and true.let go & let God has been where I’ve seen wisdom light hope and change in my being that bennifits myself so to my children. Well wishes and many thanks for your kind words a very caring educational site!
I love how self respect comes up frequently in the answers here. Even if you love narcs you can relate to wanting self respect.
Blowing hot and cold comes up a lot here and the natural confusion around it. It’s one form of manipulation and people who do it have all kinds of other issues, first and foremost that they usually manipulate in every other way, too. That said, these were my favorite people to date before my 30s.
I’m a sensitive person and I don’t like conflict, I prefer harmony- I love these things about myself but- sometimes they make me more vulnerable to emotional manipulation if I’m not paying attention. I’ve been working on this. Staying present, slowing down my responses and remaining mentally open but emotionally non reactive and neutral with new people or those who I know tend to manipulate. It’s become a little more natural with practice. I also watch for the red flags of manipulation: flattery/love bombing/excessive generosity, guilting, blaming, disparaging, snubbing and “forgetting” – to name a few. My goal is to do the best to avoid being manipulated but not to live on edge in fear and anger either. It’s still a big challenge but I think, a good goal.
@Lola…
Girl, if I didn’t know better, I’d have thought I wrote your comment myself. OR we dated the same parasite. I very much appreciate the validation your words gave me. I broke it off with him and even after 9 months of NO CONTACT (had to get the police involved) it’s still a daily struggle to get past what he put me through. He was my first experience with a Narc. I didn’t know people like him truly existed. Thanks again!!
Jojo:
I actually didn’t date him but during the time when he was nice to me I expressed interest. I’m glad it never happened because that’s when he immediately went cold and lost all respect for me.
This guy was so secretive to the point I wondered if he was keeping dead bodies in his closet. Just to give a little of what I dealt with, for the 1st 2.5 yrs of our ‘friendship’ he lied to me about his name. His name! For 2.5 yrs! I only found out what it was after prodding him (he was never very good at lying b/c he’d mess up details)and had I not prodded–he never would have told me. When I found it out, he said, “Don’t tell any of your friends what my real name is.” In retrospect, this is so creepy.
And this isn’t even the biggest lie he told me. So when someone tells you how wonderful you are, how you’ve been an influence on them, how important you are yet won’t even tell you their real name? Run for the hills. I was dumb and stuck around, made excuses. He was so good at rationalizing that he actually got me to think I should feel ‘honored’ that he shared his real name with me. You can see what a delusional state I was in.
He’d go back and forth from saying I was one of the most influential and an important person in his life, to treating me like I was a minor acquaintance.
Soon after I learned his real name, the coldness set in immediately and I never saw anyone react with such callousness where he actually told me, “My personal life is none of your business.” But he wanted to continue the ‘friendship’ all on his terms.
He was impossible to get close to. The more I tried, the more he pushed away. You simply cannot reason with a N with love, understanding and affection. It does not work. The more ‘understanding’ I was, the more he disrespected.
And all the while he used to say how he couldn’t trust me so I would jump through hoops trying to win that trust, which never came. Thankfully, I don’t want it anymore. Adios to him.
@Lola:
I have got to know, why in the hell did he lie about his name? It wasn’t a changed named, he straight up lied about it?
The only good reasons I can think of for lying about your name is: #1): You’re a spy; #2) You’re in a witness protection program; #3). You’re famous and have a stage name.
Wow, this one’s a doozy!
NR:
Why he did it? I really don’t know. He never gave a reason. He lied about his entire identity. I think he didn’t want me to ‘find him’ online, or to have others find him. I really am at a loss for words. When I asked him he told me he was just really private, even though I later learned he was an ongoing social media whore with multiple accts and photos everywhere, etc. He just didn’t want me to know about them.
Also, he was a ‘writer’ so I chalked it up to him being ‘artsy’ and thinking maybe he just wanted me to know his ‘writer side’ ala ‘pen name’. Still, those who knew Tennessee Williams still called him Tom in real life.
The answer to why? I don’t know. That’s what I mean by weirdo. He created an entire false persona and wasn’t anything like how he presented himself, as I discovered in the end, so by hiding his name he managed to buy himself time, I guess? But why hide to begin with? I don’t know. And why only me? Again, I’d be running in circles to try to figure this out. He could rationalize a reason that would sound plausible but still…makes no sense.
He was a pathological liar to the point that he would deny being a liar. His lies were by omission and evasiveness and then he would confuse facts that I would catch. That’s the only reason I caught him to begin with.
I think that he is likely even beyond being an N but maybe even a Borderline Personality Disorder. Whatever his problem, he was seriously emotionally f’ed up. And my fault was that I put up with it way too long.
@Lola:
I agree with you that there is something else very, very troubling that is going on with him, aside from him being a Narc. Sounds like he was a Catfish too, with the pathological lying and all his social media antics.
I can’t imagine how toxic of an experience this was for you to be close to someone like this. Narcs already make us doubt our perceptions as is, but with this guy. … it must have been so disorienting and downright maddening!
This may sound cheesy, but I really do believe that the truth always finds it way and will surface. Heard of the Streisand effect? It’s the idea that any efforts to hide information actually leads to the opposite intention: things become publicized. So eventually, habitual liars have it coming to them. I’m sure that one day this guy will have his ass handed to him, they can only spin half truths and cover things up for so long!
Regardless, I am SO glad that you saw him for what he is, got away from him and found this blog!
Thank you for your kind words, NR. I take the responsibility in this ‘friendship’ for having it allowed to happen for way too long. I think he saw me as someone he potentially could develop a true friendship with, so thus he felt he needed to really go to great lengths to push me away.
On the night I found all his social media accts., (I found it not by looking him up BTW but b/c he linked to an article he wrote that was posted on my website–a lazy mistake on his part) I cried all night. I mean it. All night. I saw how all his ‘friends’ were very shallow people, into pop culture and nothing of depth. People he would deem intellectually inferior to him.
Everything was a pity party with him. He was always going through some tragedy or other that he would never inform me about or share. He’d always tell me “you don’t know me” as a way to distance himself from my giving/affections.
For 4 yrs he refused to even read a single essay of mine. Our friendship developed out of a love for the arts and we used to give each other feedback but then he dropped off. He claimed he was ‘too depressed’ to read anything of mine. For 4 yrs. This lasted 4 YEARS. He never snapped out of it.
Then I saw he spent hours on Twitter and social media, Tweeting celeb gossip and reading celeb trash bios. More lies. He used to make fun of this stuff to me, how shallow it was, etc. yet here he was doing it. If I ever called him on how he went back on his word, he accused me of ‘not being understanding.’ One can only be understanding to a point.
Following that, I went though a breakdown. I cried like 3 hrs a day for several months b/c I really did think he was someone important to me, and he’d always tell me how important I was to him, but to actively cut me so much from his life like that hurt unbelievably.
I kept wondering why the hell would he want me in his life if he didn’t trust me and didn’t think I was worthy of being a part of his life? When I read about Narcissistic Supply it all made sense. I continually reassured him of his intelligence, his talent, his good looks, etc.
I wish I had known of this blog while I was going through all this, but now after the fact, even though it doesn’t hurt anymore, I feel reassured knowing that he was in the wrong to have done this.
I don’t believe he is a sadist and wanted to cause me pain, just that he had an absolute blind spot as far as how his actions could hurt someone else. He didn’t care that his actions hurt me. In his mind, keeping himself hidden from me was justifiable and normal. He had no empathy and could never see how his actions hurt.
My dad was a major N and also a sociopath/psychopath. He was emotionally abusive towards me so I slipped into the role of codependent very easily. There were even times when he would make digs at me that reminded me of things my dad used to say. I was forced to cut contact with my dad as result of his abuse.
I eventually came to learn that what I was seeking was more this guy’s validation. I thought if I could only get him to open up and let me into his life, then I would be worthy. That’s a bad place to be and I refuse to ever go back.
The frustrating thing though, is he is very charming and puts up a healthy front. So who knows if the people in his life are even aware of his antics. For some reason, I was the target of his lies and manipulation. And regardless of his personality disorder, all I can say is he treated me terribly and that’s all that matters to me.
@Lola
I’m not surprised to learn this this guy is a writer.
I’m an editor and have worked at both magazines and newspapers. I cannot begin to tell you how many writers are full of themselves — ESPECIALLY when there’s not much to back up their egos and when their bad attitude is completely unwarranted. But I’ve strangely found that the ones who have the most awards, experience and respect of their peers are the nicest and most humble people (at least as far as journalism is concerned).
Parts of your story resonate with me because of an experience I had myself. I wrote about this man in another post here. It’s the man I had entanglements with before I met my Narc (the most-recent break up that led me to this blog and what I call my awakening).
It started as a friendship but became unhealthy, co-dependent and full of mixed signals over a couple of years. He was an aspiring writer and journalist. I made the mistake of letting him do some freelance assignments for me, despite the fact that he didn’t have much experience (but I could see the potential was there). Someone had helped me when I was inexperienced and gave me a chance, so in my mind, I was “giving back.”
We met at age 31. I got my degree when I was in my early 20s (on time) and by this age, had accumulated nearly a decade of experience in the industry. He didn’t finish college until age 30 and had no experience in the field. (This information will become relevant soon).
As we worked together, I found he consistently needed validation from me about how good his writing was (I did not sign up for a mentorship!) Most writers don’t do this — they submit their stories and that’s it, it’s in the editor’s hands.
And as time went on, he became more high-maintenance to work with.
He later fought with me and then began speaking to me in a condescending manner — despite the drastic difference in our experience. He suddenly became a know-it-all. He then began to treat me as if I didn’t deserve my position. He thought he was such a great writer and he felt entitled to have a job like mine, without the hard work, time and effort, and even though he misunderstood SO many things about the industry. He didn’t know what libel was, for instance. And said I was wrong when I corrected him (I wasn’t wrong, trust me).
He totally used me for supply. At first he seemed SO great because we had so much in common, that’s how I fell for it. He was always available for me and seemed to want to spend a lot of time with me. Yet he also wouldn’t read any of MY stuff. He didn’t care about my own success and career goals.
On top of everything else, he crossed the line many times with me intimately, and then said we were “just friends.” When I got tired of everything and ended the friendship, he did not like it at ALL. He lashed out at me because he lost his supply.
In many ways, this toxic friendship hurt me more and left me more affected than my actual Narc boyfriend. So I kind of know what you’re feeling and going through right now.
But I learned a lot. And I hate to say it, but I’m really hesitant now to befriend other writers/editors because of this!
NR: I do remember you mentioning that ‘just friends’ guy in another post. That’s definitely a problem. I will give my N ‘friend’ credit for at least never pretending to want to pursue those avenues. But he lied about everything else though.
Yes writers can be annoying, editors even worse but that’s another blog topic. I try to ignore the annoying ones.
In just typing out some of the examples of what I went through with him, upon reading my post, I am really shocked with myself that I put up with so much. More than anything it was just exhausting.
I realized I wasn’t even really crying over him but over my lost sense of self.
Even though I do still think of him, I don’t find myself missing him anymore. I never thought that could happen. The things I miss were those that weren’t real, like in the beginning with the ‘connection’. After that was lost it never came back.
He had some really funny excuses though, for why he wouldn’t do things. Once he blamed his lack of openness on being a North American male. Huh? Um, no. Most guys are not like that.
The thing is, he seems to be really open with perfect strangers and people he barely even knows, but just never with me. Ugh. He was simply insufferable.
Thank you, I am healing, long way to go, but thanks to your timely posts I get a booster shot to stay no contact. This time a year in south florida people are socializing frequently and there is a large overlap of the friends circle. Even though we are blocked on Facebook the photos of her and her new boyfriend occasionally show up on my feed from a Mutual friends post. The sting of it is less now that I understand and learned so much from your posts and your readers comments. I have been avoiding starting a new relationship because I want to make sure that I don’t attract another personality disorder partner, hence, working on myself and doing the introspective analysis on my pattern of the personality types I have dated my whole life. The reality is that for all my life I have the traits that make me the perfect target for NPD’s or similar types. So to all your readers, the a ha moments that I have been having come from realizing that as a codepedant my self esteem and insecurities are the issue, and now that is my focus , fixing me. At nearly 52 years old I hope and pray that I can grow enough to attract a wonderful woman in my life, thank you and your readers for giving me renewed strength to not give up on me and most importantly, give up on them.
Thanks for the perfect post! I needed this square between my eyes today!
Savannah –
Savvy advice, as always. I see recurring patterns in the questions, and you of course picked right up on them. For me, the answers boil down to three points:
1. All narcissists are jerks. They can’t help it.
2. Not all jerks are narcissists.
3. Not all people who are not interested in us romantically are jerks.
As for no. 1, outside of the early dawn-breaking-over-the-fog period, most people who have been in relationship with a narcissist don’t have to ask. Past the early stages of denial, we know. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. These people exhibit behaviors that are so far from the norm, once you have even a little perspective it is quite clear they have very major psychological malfunctions going on.
On number 2, many people are selfish. Many are inconsiderate. These are narcissistic traits, but they do not always imply a full-blown personality disorder. Many people put themselves at the center of things and believe the world revolves around them. But at the same time they may have the capacity for empathy. They may slow down at times and realize they are living life in a less-than-fulfiling way. They may correct course. Or not. But either way they are not narcissists. Of course, they are still to be avoided. We can’t waste our time with selfish people, whether they have a special category in the DSM manual or not.
As for the third point, I have seen on this site more than once a very useful phrase: “When someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time.” And if what they are saying is “not interested in you,” then ok, that’s just the way it is. As you said, we have all had to say that to others at times. (Saying it nicely, and directly, creates good karma, but it’s still hard to say “I am not interested in you in that way.”) And we have heard it from others at times. Just part of being human. You are right, we should not take it personally. When someone says this to me what I try to hear is “I am not interested in a kind, gentle, attractive, interesting person like you,” to which I silently reply, “too bad my friend. You just missed out on a great thing.” And then move on!
One more point, about the difference between NPD and a mid-life crisis. You are right, it is all about whether the behavior is an aberration or a lifelong repeated pattern. People who have been dutiful, responsible, hard-working and accountable sometimes hit their 50s and get a little jolt. Their kids may be older and they may get a whiff of that mortality that awaits us all. So they rebel, they get wild. The key is that it is an aberration, unlike those with NPD who are always irresponsible, always self-centered. I have a friend, a woman (but it hits them too) who helped raise two kids and worked hard in the corporate world of Orange County, California. Then she had an infatuation with here yoga instructor (I know, a little cliched, but still), ran off to live in New York for a year, then moved to a funky university town. After about three years of this she just one day got tired of it. As I write she seems to be reconciled with her very-close-to-ex-husband, and last I heard they are moving back into their old home together. Why he did not move on is a bit of a mystery to me, but anyway. This was a mid-life thing, not an NPD thing.
Hurtin’ Cowboy
Perfect summation as always HC
@Cowboy — Point No. 3 really resonates with me.
I was recently seeing a man (a normal person, he’s not a Narc) but I ended things because I could see and feel that we weren’t a good fit. He was a nice man, but we were not compatible on key things that are very important to me and my interest waned. On top of that, I learned through this experience that I’m really not ready to date.
The fact that he is not the right person for ME doesn’t mean that there’s any fault with him. He was a little bummed when I told him, but he accepted it and moved on with his life — a sign of a confident, secure person.
This led me to remember how I used to blame myself and find fault with myself as a default when I was romantically rejected or broken up with (by non-Narcs), and how I did the same thing when I got caught up with Narcs and their vicious discard/blowing cold cycle.
Breaking things off with a man, simply because it wasn’t working for me and I was losing interest, and seeing how healthy his reaction to it was, makes me clearly see how inaccurate and unkind to myself the former way of thinking is.
I bring this up because I see the theme of self-blame in these questions. People wondering what they “did wrong” to get such poor treatment from their partners, when it fact they’re simply with people who are either Narcs that don’t care about them or in the case of question No. 3, may have been simply broken up with.
My 1st experience with an N was a ‘friendship’ and it was so painful to have to end it due to his disrespect towards me. When you’re dealing with an N you know something is wrong. You know something is very off about them. They can’t compromise or reason with you, nor can they ever see your side and then the manipulation/twisting of words is never ending. Our arguments were always cyclical, never ending and nothing would ever change.
I’m an understanding person and I can get along with most anyone, if I really try. Not him. I kept wondering, why? Why is he like this? You can’t reason with an N because by nature they are unreasonable.
The hardest part about N’s is that they can be very fun and a pleasure to be around at times. Even in midst of his devaluing me and endless nitpicking and bullying, he would still show acts of kindness here and there to keep me hooked but the underlining problems–his unwillingness to share anything, he was by far one of the most selfish people I’ve ever encountered, he never wanted to engage my friends and nor did he ever want me to know his. Our relationship was so isolated. He was so weird and I was the only one he did this to, no one else.
I still miss those ‘good times’ but even during the ‘good times’ there was never a time he wasn’t being dishonest with me. He expected me to cater to his feelings and needs but he would continually ignore mine. If I asked him to do something for me, forget it! I once told him how he never asked me anything about myself and I wanted him to ask me questions. So when he did (once) the question was about something I did with regard to him. Still about him. Always him.
Even though we’ve not had any direct contact for a year now, it still hurts and the betrayal too great that I can’t ever let him back in.
He never devalued my intellect but always my emotions/immaturity. He believed my hurt feelings were my problem rather than a result of his actions. He refused to take any responsibility at all. His words were so strong that for a while I believed I had no say. Always my fault. I must have said, “I’m sorry” 10,000 times but not once did he say it to me.
When I finally read about N’s it was a great ‘ah-ha!’ moment. I just KNEW. THAT’S IT! Everything became so clear. But of course, he would deny it. But he denied everything–even when my other friends, who knew of him, could see it as well. They all thought he was an a-hole. They’re right. They couldn’t see what I ever saw in him. And I kept having to say, “He wasn’t like this in the beginning!”
LOL!!! “Sorry I broke my spleen.” That cracked me up!
Thanks. Lately I’ve been missing the “best friend” part of my narcissist ex-husband. You are so right that even for all the bad stuff, there certainly was good stuff or I wouldn’t have stayed so long. I miss those things. I am grieving for them. We spent 22 years together, and 1/4 of that time was really good, 1/2 neutral, and only 1/4 bad. But the bad was so bad that I spent the 1/2 time that was neutral feeling tense waiting for the bad to return. After awhile there were very few good times. And now he’s on his best behavior and I find myself dreaming that it would be 1/2 good and 1/2 neutral with him, but I know better. Even now when we talk he lets me know that if only I were different, such as spend the evening with him, his life would be better. I had a very revealing dream about him a few months ago. I dreamed that I was happily going about my business on a solo trip to the city when he pulled up behind me, happy as could be and in search of his sister. His sister lives in a different city, and that didn’t seem to bother him at all that what he was doing would not readily reach his goal. So I thought I would help him, and was going to get him a map and directions and help him find her. He didn’t want that. So he headed off in a wrong direction, and I followed him, and here it was me, stressed out and anxious following him trying to help him, who was happy as a lark doing things that would in no way lead to his stated goal. Among many other things it meant to me that I thought he needed me, but he didn’t. I made my life unhappy by trying to give him “help” that he didn’t want or need. Here he still is telling me what his goals are to be happy and I think how I could help him with those goals and we could be on a team together, but as the dream said, it would never be a team; he doesn’t want my help; and he is already happy bumping around doing whatever he want. I was just one of the many possessions that he accumulated, didn’t cherish, and then neglected when he gets tired of–but wouldn’t dispose of. Oh, no, he’s a hoarder; nothing gets disposed of. So how would I ever expect that he would leave me alone? No, it is up to me to finish breaking the ties with him. Time for me to move on, as in my dream in the city, happily moving away from him, and if by chance we meet, it is to be only a “Hi!” and move on–not for me to help him or let him help me; teamwork didn’t work for us. Heavens knows I tried, but a single person is not able to make a team. And he has not changed.
My narc decided on our daughter’s 1st bday he no longer wanted to be a part of her life. It was at that point, after 7yrs boomerang, I opened my eyes and stopped communication with him. He started the games with our child and that was too much. Now 1 yr later, no contact, he filed for visitation. The courts gave him visitation and my child has no idea who he is. All through the court case he was texting “I love you, I’m so sorry, I wish I could do it over” I never ever responded. He actually filed after I refused to respond to an all day “I can’t live without you” texting. He actually sent me a threatening text after about filing for visitation. His last ditch effort to hurt and control me. Well, it worked. I’m scared for my daughter and I am forced to send her screaming and all. How do I handle this? How do I keep my sanity and protect my almost 2 yr old? Please help.