Fixer: Someone who engages in relationships with dysfunctional partners, with an uncontrollable need to help, give, rescue, and recreate that person into the image that they desire.
If you see yourself in the above definition, raise your hand if you have ever tried to fix someone and it actually worked? I’m not talking about two relatively healthy people, who make each other better. I’m talking about two unhealthy, broken people, with one giving and one taking, one responsible for everything and one responsible for nothing, and with one trying to change the other into something they are not.
Fixers are the type of people that will pick a partner, and not concern themselves if the person is a right fit for them. Once they’ve found someone, anyone that shows interest in them, they’re determined to make it work, regardless of how unhealthy, broken or just plain wrong for them they are, rather than wait for someone, who is more suitable. They choose a square peg, to fit into a round hole and they are determined to pound that peg until it fits.
What that behavior really says is, ‘I don’t think anyone else will want me and I know you are less than what I deserve. I know better, so you do what I say and I’ll mold you into a better person (for me). ‘
When we really dissect that thinking, what’s really going on here is, we know that person is broken, we know that we deserve better, we know they exhibit poor behavior, that needs to change, to even be acceptable to us, but we’re willing to ignore all that and do the work for them, because we’re afraid no one else will want us and we don’t want to be alone. On top of that we know that we have problems and focusing on yours means we don’t have to look at ours.
If you want someone that takes charge, has oodles of integrity and is family oriented, does it make sense to partner up with a broken down, that lies and manipulates people, is misanthropic, and can’t even take care of themselves? – It’s like travelling to the dessert, when you really want to go to the beach.
Many people get confused thinking that what they are doing is good and kind and altruistic even, but when we boil it all down, what he have left is massive insecurity and a lack of self-worth.
What generally ends up happening is you go on overdrive trying to come up with solutions to their problems (most fixers become excellent armchair psychologists), you have a eureka moment, when you’ve found the answers to their problems, then you impart a great deal of energy trying to make them ‘see,’ that if they just do what you say, then you can both live happily ever after.
But they never see, (most aren’t interested or even capable of changing) what happens is you end up getting frustrated because they aren’t doing what you’ve prescribed. They, in turn, get resentful, because you keep trying to change them – then they get defiant and do the exact opposite, because the type of broken people, that need to be fixed, are generally anti-social and resist being told what to do. They are the types that would spite themselves just to spite you
In the process you have shoved your own needs and your own emotions deep, deep down inside of you. You’ve been so focused on their problems, you’ve forgotten about your own. Unraveling the mystery of what’s wrong with them, has become your equation to solving the universe and it’s consumed your every thought and your every action. Your life has become all about solving their riddle, because you’ve convinced yourself it’s the only way you’ll ever be happy.
When you present your findings and it still doesn’t work, you go back to your equation and you tinker with it and try again and again.
Meanwhile, your partner is looking at you and thinking, ‘don’t you have a life,’ and rightly so, because all you’ve demonstrated is that your life is all about them. Your interests, your hobbies, your family, your friends, have all been put on the backburner indefinitely. And when you become fixated on an intimacy dodger, they start to feel trapped and obligated, so you can expect a disappearing act, or at least a cold front to blow in.
Broken people like fixers, because fixers are really good at accepting and even creating lame excuses for poor behavior. Fixers feel comfortable giving and sharing their resources and they’ve been conditioned to put the interests of others ahead of their own. Broken Downs seek out fixers because they don’t want to put in a lot of effort and fixers are used to living off of bread crumbs. So all in all, it’s a perfect fit.
But what inevitably happens is those emotions you shoved down, early on, come back to the surface, but this time they manifest as disappointment, frustration, hopelessness, regret, anger, resentment and immense fatigue. When you give and give and give with little to no return, it’s exhausting. It feels like you’re at the grocery store and you’re starving, but you have no money, but you keep looking around for something to eat. You feel hopeless, drained and like you’ve failed again. Your brain then takes note of yet another example that you just weren’t good enough. And you’ve usually done all this without even a thank you and even if you get one, it hardly seems like enough compensation for everything you’ve done.
Fixing is a sign of co-dependency. A lot of people become fixers, because it was a way they could derive attention and affection at home, by taking care of an emotionally manipulative parent. These are responsibilities that shouldn’t belong to children. When children are mistreated, or neglected, they gain a hyper-sensitivity to the cues and the needs of other people. They learn that the best way to get their needs met is to know when it is safe to approach and when it is best to be invisible. By the time they reach adulthood this fixing has become a part of them, it feels natural and normal to neglect their own feelings and shove them deep, down inside and make someone else your priority.
Fixing is really a control issue. When you try to change someone, what you’re doing, is trying to control their behavior so they don’t a) hurt themselves b) hurt anyone else and especially c) they don’t hurt you. The problem you run into when you are trying to control someone else’s behavior, is that no one wants to surrender control of themselves to another, so there’s a good chance they will rebel against you and show you just how little control of them you actually have. So not only has all your work been in vain, you’re also left licking your wounds and feeling used and foolish.
The key to breaking the need to fix, is understanding that the very concept of one person trying to change someone else is completely illogical. If we had a stadium full of fixers and we asked for a show of hands for how many people were actually able to fix their broken partner and live happily ever after, there’d be no hands. It doesn’t work – it NEVER works – EVER.
The only person you can change is you and if you engage in fixing behaviors, it’s time to change your thinking and realize that every minute you spend trying to fix someone is a minute wasted. Understand that you can’t shape someone into your idea of what they’re supposed to be, instead accept people for what and who they are and if what they are, at this very minute, isn’t what you’re looking for, then move on. If you keep saying to yourself – if only he did this he’d be perfect…. Or if only she didn’t do this then it would work out – and you use these as excuses to hang on and keep trying to fix, then you are just fooling yourself and engaging in fantasy relationships
Love isn’t a math equation or a riddle to be solved. It’s two people with both of their feet planted firmly in reality and fully accepting of each other’s flaws. It’s about giving each other the space to grow and accepting that you each have separate interests and separate friends, as well as common ones. Love is about finding the right fit, not trying to turn someone into something they’re not.
Your Comments!!!!!!!!!!
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I feel like someone just read the blueprints to my very existence.
This is me. This is 100% me. And I just got left by a very beautifully but magically broken imperfectly perfect for me woman. Left cold.
I need a change. How do I change? How do fix my fixation on fixing what doesn’t need to be fixed?
Loved this. Sending to a friend. She’s beena fixer in every relationship that she has been in. I hope she gets it after reading this. Ty. So on point!
Mmmmm thank you! I found this article when I was searching “Why am I so upset at all of these men who I ‘helped’, then relationship didn’t work out, now they are thriving?”
I tried to fix them, hold them and help them, and I DID, but it didn’t change that we weren’t right for each other and I wasn’t held in the same way!
“I don’t think anyone else will want me and I know you are less than what I deserve. I know better, so you do what I say and I’ll mold you into a better person (for me). ” resonated with me and I am working on self-worth and deserving.
I also recognize that I am drawn to people with the same challenges or difficulties as me, then try to fix them instead of myself, staying in the partnerships or friendships because “it’s good for me to do this work”.
Wonderful write-up and interpretation! Thanks for confirming what I I’ve been trying to convey for years!
How can a person fix themselves from being a fixer and being taken for granted .
I need to know this myself. You definitely identified us. Now what?
Oh my God, thank you for this post. It was just si accurate! Really! My mom was a narc and of course I ended up marrying a narcissist but luckily quit after one year. As I have done therapy before I learned well about some boundaries to set but never really realise the true dinamic of a fixer. And I have it. I will start working on myself on this and look for better partners!
This is me. What do I do about it???
OMG, When my sister called me a fixer I was like what is that. I looked it up and it brought me to your site. This describes me down to my DNA. It has blown my mind how accurate this is. I didn’t even realize that’s what I have been doing my whole life and the reasons you mentioned are spot on also. I am 52 years old and been through 5 marriages and five needed fixing and I thought if I can help them get better then everything will be ok. It never worked because I grew weary and they grew tired of my control. This makes me want to do something about me and understand why I am doing the things I do. Thank you so much for this article.
Savannah,
I have just read this and your post on the three stages of narcissistic relationships. Both were excellent. Both shook me up a bit but in the right way.
In future I will get a handle on my fixing stuff and watch out for narcissists.
I definitely see a pattern here. Amazingly insightful post.
Thank You
I can’t thank you enough for all the texts written here! I’ve had 3 Narcs ruining my life – my father, a teacher and later on a boss. I thought I would’ve learnt better and that my radar was hyper sensitive. It was – it’s just I recently met another type of Narc, and in another context – a romantic one. He was so skillful. I knew that if I ever hear the thought “Am I the problem?” going on repeat in my head, then there’s a Narc around. But with this guy, that phase only lasted a couple of hours – that’s how fast he convinced me that I w-a-s the problem… Your words have put a light on everything that happened, at times I haven’t been able to stop laughing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
After 20 years of knowing my relationship with a N was wrong, I just filed for a divorce. I was a fixer that whole time. Unfortunately, it’s become obvious that my 8 yr old son is now one, too. Although he knows why I want a divorce and during some bad times with his dad has actually asked me to leave him, he thinks he can get him to change and be nice to us before it gets to that point. After reading this article I see that my son also tries to help/fix kids in his class. He starts counseling soon, so I hope they can help him, but is it too late? Did I wait too long to get out of here?
How do I stop my own fixer mentality so he doesn’t continue down that path?
This is so precisely accurate. Thank you so much for sharing your insights. I’ve known the “fixer” dynamic is present in me. Has been all my life, but I never could quite come to terms with it until I read your post. I needed to “hear” that it NEVER works… Thank you so much for providing the “mirror” I needed to discover my true nature!!
I am embarrassed to say this but I broke no contact and agreed to meet him just for ten minutes. He wanted to meet to give me an engagement ring. I took it. We spent the weekend together and when Monday came the lady he has cheated on me with for the last two years text me to tell me they have been together for the past year. He slept with her before he went to see me!! I can’t say that I was surprised. What I can say is that I felt naive!! I know he won’t ever change but again I was hopeful. I thought he had learned his lesson but I have to realize I can’t fix broken no matter what I do. The worst part is that he blamed me for cheating. He said that if I had not ignored him he would not have cheated. I know better than to believe that but he always has a way of making me feel like I am the one to blame. I have started no contact again I will keep reading your post and comments they help me so much to be strong!!! Thank you!!
GOD! I can’t believe someone else has been through this. Change the locks on the doors. Throw his clothes out neatly packed. Have a couple of friends help you physically remove him from the premises. If you have to do it while he’s past out drunk. Honey he don’t have the money to take you to court.
I keep reading and re=reading the blog and the description of a fixer and I can’t believe how accurately it describes me.
And I thought I was the only one!
You know what you are writing about Savannah, for sure!
Me, too. As much as it hurts me, I thought I was doing everything right. Completely transformed my first husband and couldn’t understand for the life of me why he might resent that.
Tell us mote
Thanks, Savannah,
This is all very relevant, so helpful and succinctly put.
I think it’s worth repeating that the Fixer Within Us, even when we have learned of it and are aware of it, is sometimes further primed by our life’s current circumstances, and we should be doubly on guard at vulnerable points in life. In my case I was so preoccupied by both my parents’ final illnesses and deaths that my ‘Fixer switch’ was permanently switched to ‘On’ – and it does not help that my work is in the field of health/caring/compassion – I chose and trained to ‘fix’ and I am ‘good at it’ (embarrassed groan).
Taking on one more ‘broken-down’ now looks crazy from where I’m standing – but at the time, helping someone through illness and surgery seemed just another temporary stretch of resources. I was overextended and still ‘womanfully’ rising to the demands of another’s physical needs, yet blind to the underlying psychopathic dynamics until the unsubtlety of the lying and the deceit rang screaming alarm bells from the early days of our relationship – he had used the same tactics he had used with the women before me – he had serially and successfully conned so many – why change the lies when they had always worked before? – and yet a little free time and simple detective work and research was all it took. He was exposed to me as a textbook Narcissist, and I to myself as a textbook Fixer – ouch!
And for a while even after knowing that I had to walk – no, run!- I still tried to treat him as a potentially reasonable person who might be ‘made to see’ that what he was doing was destructive – ouch again.
Even as I was burying my mother he was online shopping for his next Supply, and he was furnishing his new place from my and my parents’ attics while charmingly lying, touchingly saying that he still loved me, asking for time and implying that we still had a future – when in reality his new lady had already moved in with him.
Even then, I was defusing my hurt and anger with laughter – the generous Fixer in me was rationalising that it was one efficient way of decluttering!
I just hope the new lady gathers enough information early enough to make an informed choice about a man who professes himself, as so many do, as a generous and tactile incurable romantic on a mission to find his life partner – but her speed of moving in with him doesn’t exactly point to high awareness does it? Is there a queue of Fixers going round the proverbial block just waiting to be picked off?
I don’t want to be so cynical that the world becomes a scary place – but it’s as well to become alert to red flags, such as vulnerable life events, financial pressures, speed of action, language cues – theirs and our own, and the distinct possibility that for every Fixer, there’s a rampant, charming, skilled and practised Opportunist watching and awaiting their chance to avoid their own pain by creating ours.
We need to develop our own sort of emotional smoke detector right from the start, which includes knowing clearly that we are Fixers, and protecting ourselves accordingly.
Savannah,
Thank you. Now when I get the inevitable, shocked, “What happened?” upon someone finding out that my narc of 25 years suddenly and without warning left me, I am going to hand them this post. You so completely described my marriage. Six weeks after leaving me, he had found a new “fixer.” She is a nurse AND she rescues animals, and I actually have come to feel sorry for her. One year for me and I am really lonely, but all of my physical conditions, including my depression oddly enough, have disappeared, and I now need no medication. My body seems to understand what my brain resisted. I can’t tell you how much this website has helped me.
Savannah,
I just want to say thank you for this post, and really every post of yours. I found your site a year ago when I had broken up with my narc of 5 years (on & off) and couldn’t pinpoint why I was feeling so awful, even though we’ve broken up hundreds of times before. Anywho, I’ve read every single post of yours and it’s helped me greatly I can’t even begin to thank you for shining light on my situation that I’ve been dealing with for nearly 6 years now. It’s so nice to know that there are others who are going through the same thing and just goes to show it can happen to anyone. I’m 21 years old, my narc and I have been on and off since I barely turned 14. I’m still working on prying myself away for good. I go through months of no contact but then one of us reaches out. Strangely enough I feel that i’m getting stronger each time I go through this with him. I’m just hoping I can gather the courage to end it soon for good.
NarcRepellent thank you so much for your comment as well!! I spent the past 3 weeks reading every post and comment on this site and yours were beyond helpful and inspirational. And with every experience you described I found myself thinking, omg I’m dating the same guy!! I actually specifically remember you describing how your Narc stopped wanting to go out and made a big deal…I love eating out and just having a good time talking over drinks, I will take that experience any day over buying clothes etc. And my ex slowly made me feel like I was wasteful or spoiled doing that (of course he never minded if I drove down to the deli and picked up food for him to eat). Even for my birthday he couldn’t muster enough effort to go out, said we would but he just ended up making me frozen mac n cheese at home. I mean he DID get me a card and flowers at a 24hr pharmacy so obviously I was being treated…so pathetic “typing this out loud.” Anyways I remember saying to my friend “wtf?!? this is one thing I enjoy more than anything and he can’t even ‘endure’ that for me? Acting like I’m asking hime to pick up trash along the highway for the next 5 hours. I just want to go out, have a good time, all on my tab. What am I missing here?” Ugh so frustrating but yes when you talked about that it really hit home. And many other things too.
So your comment here gives me a lot of hope. You’re right, he was too lazy for anything, too lazy for life really, so I think becoming a stalker might be way too much effort. I’m still scared because he knows exactly how to hurt me and make the co-dependent in me freak out. But I’m blocking his number as we speak and going to go off line on fb for a while. And find a therapist lol. And thank you again for sharing your story, it keeps me going knowing there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
@Poppy — Sounds like you are on your way to recovery and that you’re moving in the right direction to being over him! I’m glad my comments have helped. Savannah’s insights, writings and the comments of other regulars on here helped me immensely, especially at times when I felt like there was no hope.
Don’t be afraid of him anymore. Just remember, he no longer has ANY power over you. Also, he can’t even try to hurt you with his put downs and mean comments when he can’t even get a hold of you, right? That is the beauty of No Contact.
It’ll be hard at first, but everyday gets easier. One morning you’ll wake up and it just won’t hurt anymore, I promise!
And one more thing: There are SO many normal, healthy men out there that would just LOVE to date and hang out with fun gals like us who love going out, especially men in their 20s and 30s! Men who don’t want to stay at home all the time and would be more than happy to make the effort to take you out on the town and show you a good time — Trust me, they are out there! Now you have that to look forward to you once you’re ready. Good luck to you!
This hit home. Written perfectly and helped so much.
I realized 3 weeks ago that my bf was a Narc, largely thanks to this blog, and that our almost 3yr relationship is a text book example of this. I went no contact and he, I believe, was giving me a silent treatment. But of course few days ago he reached out. I was surprised how quickly everything crumbled, my rage, all the realizations…it’s like I couldn’t wait to open my arms and say “please mistreat me more.” But I stayed strong and told him we have no future, only thing being me getting my stuff from his place (an apartment I paid for for the past year) and returning his things, mainly keys etc. because I want nothing left between us. I’m planning on doing that today/tomorrow and I’m freaking out. If any of you have pointers you’d like to share…my two big concerns are:
-how do I follow through and not revert today?sounds silly but for now my plan is to look back at some emails/texts where he was a total ahole to keep myself angry. Also I’m not going to shower and am wearing ugly underwear lest he lies and is there and I’d be tempted to sleep with him. Lol it’s kind of crazy but that’s where I’m at.
-we never got to the discard phase and because I believe he’s a cerebral introvert narc who had me eating out of palm of his hand, he doesn’t have another supply on the radar. Sure there are some ex’s that are still friends but part of his behavior was cutting himself off from everyone. I have no doubt he will secure another supply asap but for now I’m really afraid of his reaction/rage. I know ego injury can be powerful and I’m worried what he might do once he realizes we are truly done. Mainly like social media, coming to my workplace, destroying my image/reputation etc. Anyone dealt with this. I’m going to try to not be confrontational and definitely not call him out for being NP but I don’t know what else to do. Its terrifying, the notion that a person you thought was your soulmate and would never ever hurt you is this monster capable of biggest hurt.
Poppy perhaps you can take a friend with you when you pick up your things. A friend is a great buffer and will keep you accountable. Tell your friend that you don’t want to be alone with your Narc and to stay with you at all times. Some of my readers put up post it notes of all of the horrible things there Narc has done to them, or they block them from any type of contact – social media, emails, phones, some have changed the Narcs name on their phones to Narcissistic A-hole so when a text comes in that’s the name that pops up. Let yourself be angry. This is the time when anger is your friend. Go over all the nasty things he’s done in your mind as you approach the apartment and hold on to that as you clear your stuff out. Listen to Beyonce’s Irreplaceable or Best thing I never had on your way there. Good Luck.
@Poppy — I hope this gives you some reassurance: My ex was also an inverted Narc. After I kicked him out of the house I started No Contact and did not break it. I made it impossible for him to contact me, by blocking his phone number and email, and deleting my Facebook account.
He never once tried to tarnish my reputation, or show up at my home or work since the break up.
Honestly, I think inverted Narcs are too damn lazy to stalk us — but this is the ONE situation where we actually benefit from their laziness. You might be surprised — if you make it impossible for him to contact you or see what you’re doing on social media, he can’t rage against you because you’re not engaging.
But, if you are not confident that he’ll stay away, maybe a restraining order may be in order.
Savannah, thank you so much for your pointers! I followed them all (other than the friend part because I went during the work day) but all were helpful, especially Beyonce lol.
Of course he lied and was there being sweet and loving and telling me how he’d do anything for me and us. So good thing I got mad beforehand because that behavior really disarmed me and I averaged out to just sort of being sad. I stayed calm, took my stuff and left. He texted me at night flipping out saying how ridiculous I am, how I ruined the relationship through my behavior…the fixer in me was reeling. And I did reply but only told him the ways HE brought on the end (things I always lacked the courage to say to his face) and then told him it is the last contact we will have. And I absolutely mean it. I know I’ll stay strong with the help of this blog and this community so thank you very much again, I could have never done this alone!!
Poppy I’m standing and applauding – attagirl 🙂
I’m glad to read that it wasn’t all his fault. In the six months since I reached my tipping point and left I’ve had this sneaking feeling that I, too was responsible. Now I know I can be on my guard and change myself.
No more a fixer, me!!
Savannah, Thank you for your in depth explanations. When I began researching for reasons my last relationship crashed I came upon tons of info about NPD. Your blog has helped me come to terms with not only my encounter with a NPD guy but also many other bad relationships in my life. I will be 60 in April and I have gone through a nasty mess of men. When I discovered why I was drawn to these kind of men over and over I was shocked at my own response to this stimuli. I was raised by a devil of a father (imagine every horror and multiply it by 10 ). When I would encounter disfunction I would become excited and knowing better wonder why I would go on auto pilot with this relationship. Over and over I went through this. Then, over the last three months I finally understand why I have made these bad choices and am fighting a fearsome battle to never do this again to myself. This is very hard for me because of my hardwiring as a child. I look forward to your blog. You give me understanding on many faucets of these insane disorders. Thank you.
Thanks for another great blog Savannah.
I am indeed a fixer, well at least I was, I am in recovery and this site is one of my greatest tools!
I once got into a relationship with an unemployed, intravenous drug user who abused me both physically and mentally… I spent 5 years of hell trying to fix him and never, ever got close.
I often look back on my past relationships and it is the same man with a different face syndrome. I was simply not interested in the well adjusted, kind, caring man. In fact he made me feel very uncomfortable and quite literally sick to my stomach.
Thanks to this site and a true desire to change I am getting there. The awareness of who I really am (co-dependent to the extreme) is the greatest gift and an essential ingredient to change.
Thanks again Savannah
This is me to a T. Guilty as charged. And I must confess that now that I know that I am a recovering fixer and co-dependent, I am terrified to date again, although I would like to date again.
I am now going on 10 months of leaving my Narc, and I have made incredible strides. I feel and look a lot better and healthier. Everything is good on the work and finances front. My personal life is free of chaos, because after I left my Narc I also cut ties with friends who were toxic people in my life. I am now a much more positive, sunny person, versus being cynical and feeling hopeless.
Yet I am feeling a bit stuck here when it comes to the opposite sex.
I am at that point where I can say wholeheartedly that I am over my ex. I want get back out there and date, but I am so scared that I’ll find another Narc! And since I’m a bit lonely at the moment, even though my self-esteem is a lot better, I’m worried that I am still “marked” and that a predator will find me should I put myself back on the market at this moment.
I’m even concerned that I may be sabotaging other chances with good men. To backtrack a bit:
Last April, I met up with a man just a week after I kicked my Narc out of my life for good. This man is a friend of a friend, and had just moved from my home state to my current city, so our mutual friend set us up, but just to hang out. I also thought meeting up with him would be a good reason to drag myself out of the house and feel normal again.
Well, I hit it off with this man immediately. We continued hanging out, and if I were to create a list of what I need in a man, this man checks off nearly every box. I know he is a good man and that he is NOT a Narc, based on how I feel around and about him. But talk about epically bad timing! I knew this was much, much too soon, so we just hung out as friends.
A few months later, when he took me out on my birthday that summer, he told me he fancied me. I told him kindly my situation — that I had been living with a man for two years, that it was a bad break up, and that I’m not ready to date and probably won’t for a while. So he gave up and eventually met another woman, who he is with currently. He and I are still close platonic friends, but I see that feelings of the crush remains.
Meanwhile, I had been hanging out with a man who had long been in my circle of friends — he got a divorce in April, the same time I left my Narc. We started hanging out last summer, just as friends with no expectations and I invited him to be my Plus One to work events. We started becoming intimate last October (and we still are). It’s one of those things that just happened naturally.
I’ve kept things very light with this man — he is divorced with 2 children, so he’s even more emotionally unavailable then I am and I know this is a man I shouldn’t develop strong feelings for, and I have not. He passed the Narc test, and based on my emotions and my behavior, I am confident he isn’t one, and I also know that he is a good man.
But I’ve found that I’ve put up some major walls with this one. I haven’t let him come to my apartment yet, I usually insist on going to his. Even thought we’re casual, I’m constantly looking to see if he has any dealbreakers. It’s like I’m not ready to let him in, at all.
Last week, he told me that he thinks about pursuing things further with me — dating me properly. I didn’t know what to say! I just said again that I’m not ready, and told him it may be too soon for him to rebound.
Point is, my gal pals have suggested that I might be sabotaging my love life. I’d also like to meet someone new, but the thought of going online makes me physically ill — I know that I’m not ready for that kind of rejection, and I’m also not at my goal weight yet.
I know that finding love should not be a life goal, and it is not for me. I guess I just had no idea that it would be THIS hard: Dating again after a Narc and knowing that I am a co-dependent.