Once upon a time you felt like Cinderella. Your Prince Charming made you feel special and so happy, that is until of course, you found out about Snow White, Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty and that trampy blonde Smurf down the street.
It seemed like one minute, you were both consumed and in the midst of a love for the ages, and now he stands you up, ignores your calls and texts and you’re starting to feel like you’re annoying him.
You’ve become an emotional basket case. You’re obsessed and you can’t get him out of your mind. You’re cyber stalking him for any tidbits of information and all you see is her. His new target.
There’s a few flirty comments, back and forth, on his Facebook wall, a few likes on some of her pictures. It’s just ambiguous enough to be innocent, certainly not enough hard evidence that he’s cheating, but that sickening feeling in your gut tells you otherwise.
When you finally get to confront him, he blows it off and spins it, so that you come off as jealous and needy. But soon after, he grows more and more distant. He doesn’t have the stones to tell you what is really going on, but your imagination has already filled in the blanks.
His new target thinks she has just met her soul mate, she’s getting all of his attention and feels like she’s won. You’re an emotional disaster and your Narcissist is in ecstasy. All you keep thinking about is how good it was. How once you were the recipient of all his attention, how he would come to you for love, support and comfort and now, he’s directed his attention elsewhere and he’s getting love and comfort from someone else.
Then you start to drive yourself mad with questions like: What did I do? Why her and not me? Is she better than me? Is she prettier? Is he in love with her?
What did you do? Nothing. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this. What you did was trust someone that wasn’t deserving of your trust. You were tricked into falling in love with someone that seeks power and control by manipulating other people’s vulnerabilities and when you are in love, you’re vulnerable, so he made sure you fell – hard.
Why her and not you? Because she’s shiny and new. They like the challenge and the thrill of the chase. He has already won you, the chase is over. He doesn’t want a comfortable relationship. He doesn’t want closeness and intimacy and if he stays with you, that’s how normal relationships progress.
Is she better? Is she prettier? Who cares. You can drive yourself nuts comparing yourself to someone else. It won’t change anything. it will just make you feel worse. Our battered egos always want to lead us to a place where we feel not good enough. None of this is really about her, besides you do have one advantage over this woman – she has no idea what’s coming – you do. You should feel sorry for her. It’s a mistake to engage her at all. I’ll bet the farm that he has made up a mountain of stories about just how crazy and out of control you are – just like he told you the same stories about the one you replaced.
Is he in love with her? No. Narcissists create the illusion of love. Every emotion they feel is short lived and superficial. She will lose her shine soon enough, and just like you, she will be devalued and discarded.
Understand that what a Narcissist wants most is to be wanted and desired by many. This is why you will always find them surrounded by a group of admirers. They create the pretense that they are important, sought after and popular, by collecting friends, ex’s and potential targets. The more women they have, the happier they are and if there are women fighting over him, it’s double the pleasure.
It’s normal to feel jealous when someone you cared about has so unceremoniously tossed you aside for someone else. Our hearts are aching for justice and it feels like a crime has been committed. The fact that we were so easily replaced and forgotten makes us feel like we’ve just been emotionally raped, but you have to look at the source and understand that no one is exempt from his brand of cruelty.
The wound feels that much greater, because for a short time, he made you feel incredibly special, like you were desired above all others. Any time you come down off of a high it’s a shock to your nervous system and you need to wean yourself off of the drug. You very likely worked harder than you ever have to make this relationship work and this is why it is so hard to get over them.
Whenever someone acts like they don’t care about you – believe them. If they act like they’re not afraid to lose you, it’s because they’re not. There will always be someone to take you place, because a Narcissist isn’t hindered by morality, attachment bonds or real feelings.
When you give up your heart and your power to someone who is incapable of caring about you, the only outcome will be pain. Remember that a Narcissist feeds off of attention, drama and jealousy. They love to create it and be in the center of it. Don’t spend your energy trying to convince someone that they should care about you. That’s like trying to convince a fish it should fly and it robs you of your dignity.
In my experience with my last Narcissist, the woman before me and the two women after me, were fed the same bullshit soup and are still trying to recover from the ordeal today. So don’t waste your energy on jealousy. Know that there is always going to be a new target. Even if you succeeded and he came back, you would always be looking over your shoulder and you should be. Don’t envy his new woman, because in a short while, she too will be curled up in the fetal position, reading blogs to help her figure out what happened and what the hell she did wrong.
Join our mailing list and get our weekly blogs delivered right to your inbox.
My ex left me on Friday and then sent me a picture of him in bed with another women the day after! I’m in bits
OH MY GOD, WHAT A ASSHOLE !!!!!! These ‘ people’ are insane.
The same thing happened to me!
Today marks 1 year exactly of having no contact with my 6 year relationship he came to me like a knight in shining armour but I was introduced to much drama over the years we just battled through his problems one by one his excuses one by one I thought that’s what couples do but when it comes to my needs and wants he always had an excuse. You do so much for them for them to find excuses why they can’t get a job and pay their bills,holidays, place of our own etc you know pleasures of being an item but they accept late night calls from women and it’s not their fault they just helping a “friend” out who’s ill down and out so you keep quiet eventhough they know you ain’t happy and say just cos I’m not responding how you want me too you make a fuss so I leave and every time he would plead to take me back they love hearing you cry it’s like they wanna keep you on repeat like a record. I only ever saw a life with him my first love one day you realise your efforts are never appreciated but they appreciate lil efforts from everyone else and why can’t you be like this person or that anything but you but when you be loving them and they don’t reciporate it back who’s really loving you?? I didn’t want to go no contact but it’s the only way to get the spew of evil entangled free nothing else worked even we decided to go seperate ways he always had a way to drop in convo this would never happen if you never..(fill in gaps I’m sure you been there too). When you try be understanding they see you as gulliable helping out they see you as someone to be used it’s always on their own terms you eventually forget who you are and when they lie cheat in your face and leave you you feel such a heavy load you been carrying and it was never for you to carry.Live your life for you.Its hard but think of things you love doing more than memories of your ex remember they aren’t the person you fell in love with they long gone and so should you..Travel ,meet family and friends , go shopping..remember how it is to be free and not on egg shells . With N there will always feel like something missing like loyalty respect trust teamwork solid foundation etc Rather than trying to find “him” again find “you”.Its only when you breathe fresh air you realise how toxic some people can be.I love my ex still but I love him at a distance lol we had our chance after chance.God needs to make a man out of him before I could make a potential husband.The shortcoming is theirs not yours love you some more and the right guy will walk into your life just live in here and now like me you just “haven’t met yet”..!!!We know the red flags to look for and know to not ignore them as they serve to protect us before we just in and swim test how deep it is and if they on the same waves or is he or she is a sinking ship.relationships either build or destroy…we know now to choose wisely..Good Luck God bless Ty x
What do you do if in top of the other woman there s porn.no watching it doing it.the roughest staff.he alreadu suggested swinging.2 hours after a brake up when we go bk together. What do u do then?seriously any suggestion welcome
Wow, you are describing exactly my ex. The “going to help friends who are sick”, the “my problem not yours” the “I love it when you cry you’re my world” the “You will never find a love like ours”. We have been on and off for only a year luckily- but feel like 5 with a narcissist. Ive been trying no contact for months now but he always has a way to come back..what would be your best advice? Thanks so much.
Still I am trying to overcome the ordeals.I can’t understand how humans can be so.
I know exactly Nandu I was discarded like trash from my narcissistic ex husband after 24 years of marriage! The part that cuts the deepest is he was having all his affairs right inside our family home. We worked tirelessly to be able to AFFORD a detached home and he destroyed everything even our family!
I know all too well how this feels. I dated a guy for 9 years. Literally my life was hell in those 9 years and when I would try to explain to others the havoc that was being wreaked on my soul I had no idea how to explain it. The man literally was very accomplished at work and respected. His family and friends adored him. I mean people thought he could be an ass (particularly my friends and family who saw I was always so sad). But the guy never beat me or anything so I always felt that all his complaints must be true. That maybe I really was a terible person. Yet I gave him all of my time, blood, sweat and tears with nearly nothing in return. At first, I thought I’d met my soul mate. Although I always thought he said I love you too soon I felt crazy not to fall for this guy. I even thought God had brought him to me. How delusional my young self was. Over time, about year 4, he began to break me down, lie to me, alienate me, give me the silent treatment over and over. Hell I never knew if we were together or not. You could almost see that people he knew looked at me like a joke and all I did was love him. The more I tried the more I annoyed him and the crazier he made me look. In the end, he left me over 20lbs and said if I just lost weight then he would marry me. I could not stay with someone so shallow. It was the last straw. What I later found out was is that he had been seeing a coworker nearly all of our relationship and one that was completely not his type physically but was an easy narc supply. He tried to get me back but I resisted and went as far as to try to turn me on my now husband and then fiancé. He is now having a baby w her and just found out.
I know all about the silent treatment JLG I got the same nearly every morning at coffee and every evening after dinner! Working my ass off to keep the home fires burning then I caught him one night in the basement, DRUNK yet again on rye and cutting me down to his sister on the phone I was furious!
Found this article very helpful and gives me hope thank you. I have been with my N for almost 20 yrs have 2 beautiful children together (14,18) married him for 10 years divorced him and then STILL took him back. I can’t tell you how many times I have left him for cheating and lies but somehow he always sucked me back in. I went thru the times of feeling sick to my stomach lying awake every night wondering what he is doing why isn’t he trying to fix his family how could he do this to us doesn’t he care or feel anything and just feeling absolutely sick and exhausted. I would do the NC but then i would get so weak after him texting repeatedly how he is sorry and he loves me and wants nothing but his family and then there i was again in the same boat of crap!!! Oh sure it was great for a week or two but then all hell breaks loose. I don’t even know where to begin to tell you what all he has done to me and my children and family. I have caught him red handed on dating sites, the OW has actually confronted me, FB messages, texts…the list goes on and on. He even went as far as taking my children to another woman’s house the night my mother passed away after he already knew she had died. Yes, all those horrible things and more he has done and yet here I am still with the douchebag. I am financially, mentally, and physically drained from this life. He has probably had about 100 jobs since i have been with him and that’s when he always seems to cheat (he is now)out of town jobs or has to go in early or work late blah blah blah. It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to but for some reason cannot break this cycle of never ending agony!!!! It’s always about him. Always telling me i am crazy and imagining things and making something out of nothing. He always has a lie to add to the lie i catch him in and after awhile i start to believe them just so i don’t think i am crazy. All the jobs he has lost certainly can’t be his fault he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. I have one question where do they find all these women and i mean there are alot (at least 75) to actually sleep with them? We live in a very small town and he has done went thru all the women around home so where is he finding them? We no longer have cell phones or a home phone because i got behind on the bills while he “lost” another job so he goes to his mother’s and uses their phone/internet and then all the sudden he will come home and say oh i have to go into work 2 hours early…whatever!!! He makes me cringe but yet i can’t live without him HELP!!!!!! How do I live with him and salvage what is left of my sanity??????
Our stories are identical. Our children are the same ages and we even got divorced too but yet im still sitting here while he is with yet another woman and its 3 this time. I know i need to move on but i jist cant let go.
I know exactly EMK mine went so far as to move his new girlfriend into our marital bedroom immediately upon my getting my own place it’s sickening. Shacking up and having sex around my young son and he barely knows this woman makes me want to VOMIT!
My ex just cheated on me with someone ten years younger.. i found out and let her know.. she wasnt aware of him being with me.
She has stayed with him and after giving me weeks of abuse he has now decided that he. wants to stay friends. We have to kids.. who he never treated well.. wasnt there emotionally.. didnt seem to give a damn. His new gf has two small children who he says he absolutely adores and is patient and kind with.
He was aloof cold and distant with me and my children for many years and it is sickening and hurts me and my kids to see him playing at being this amazing loving partner and doting dad.. it makes me wonder why we werent worthy.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to read. I am dealing with the jealousy of the new supply. Being discarded…again, after 13 years, with a pending divorce that he filed for. Thank you for this article.
Hello I don’t know where to begin I never even knew what Narcissist was until a week ago I asked God to define this demonic spirit. I could not believe a human being could be that evil. I am a widow it took me at least 2 1/2 years before I decided to date again. first guy I dated it lasted about 2 years before I met my Narc I can call him that because he meets the definition of it. it started out as friends now that I look back on it the red flags didn’t take long I remember going to eat one day in the mall after dinner he asked me if I wanted to go look at some perfume and I was like sure then asked me could he purchase me some perfume I looked at him and said no thank you the look I got out of him was like I dare you turn me down. later on in the relationship he admitted that he was offended and would never offer me anything else and I was like ok. we had been dating for about a month when the guy before him my ex surfaced well I wanted to make sure I was over him. are do I start this new relationship. after spending the weekend with my ex I realize I didn’t love him in that way anymore so I decided to give my Narc the opportunity worst mistake I could have ever made didn’t know what I was about to endure. he was a IT manager and had access to a lot of technology 3 months in the relationship he shows me a email that I had sent to my best friend telling her about me and my ex spending the weekend together I asked him how did he get access to my email he claimed someone sent it to him at that time I wasn’t thinking about him being highly experienced at it of course I felt bad and trust me I could see the vengeance in his eyes but I explained to him why I did it and I told him him that he and I had only been dating for a month and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to pursue this relationship and that he should thank my ex. I really believe he was out to get me and that he did. I started hearing about how many women wanted him and how he looked better then me and it was a privilege for me to be in his presence. he was married 24 years before he relocated to the city we met in. he said that he was divorced from his wife he had 2 kids. and I was always wondering why they never came to visit him in the 5 years I was with him. I never met any of his family are friends when I would ask him about it he would say that his mom was not ready to meet a new woman and his kids took the divorce hard and weren’t ready to meet a new woman these were grown kids. I had a friend who worked at the same place my Narc worked and told her that he was still married I confronted him and he told me I was crazy and he was divorced. then he started accusing me of sleeping around with everyone he said some of the ugliest things I was always defending myself to where it took a toll on me mentally. I was walking on eggshells trying not to argue with him the texts messages going back in forth this guy had no respect for me I was like what happen to my Prince Charming. 3 years into the relationship things started to reveal itself I had a 50 birthday party when I met him I was with a friend. so at my birthday party everyone started to notice her walking back and forth with him to take my gifts to the car I didn’t think anything of it until I started getting these strong intuition someone had been telling him everything about me I asked him was it her my friend of course he denied it but it got intense I then confronted her and she denied it then he finally told me she put her number in his phone the night of my party so he could sends her a picture he had taken of me her together and this is what is funny he told me you saw me delete her number that night I am like me dude really I knew he was mentally disturbed then. he started really distancing his self after this and neglecting me I could never catch them together but I knew they had begin to sleep together I wanted validation for it so badly I eventually broke my friendship up with her because I asked her about her putting her number in his phone and she denied it that’s when I asked her how did she get the picture she posted on Facebook I told her that her friendship has expired with me then I knew I needed to work on dismissing him but I wanted validation so badly to proof to everyone that this guy was a Narc I could never catch them together. that’s when one of my friends told me God is only going to put on you what you can bare something’s aren’t meant to see soon after that God may not have revealed to me that he had been sleeping with my friend but he did reveal to me two other women he had been sleeping with he downloaded some music on my phone and accidentally downloaded some pictures he thought he had deleted the next day I was like I didn’t delete any pictures come to find out it was him in bed with a women and of course he had an excuse he said that it was before my time and I asked him then why is the date on the picture during the time we had been together he lied and said that when you are transferring pictures the date can change. a month later he tells me he had to go out of town and would be back that Sunday and by the way he was always going out of town to be with women and some of those times were with my friend because she traveled and when I would confront hem about her he would call her bad names I was like if you have not been with my friend why you call her bad names. anyway I decided to go sit outside his apartments where he couldn’t see me it was in the a.m because I knew his alarm goes off at 5:30 just ready to catch him and my friend well again God did not want me to catch him with my friend but it was another woman I waited for him to walk her to her car and go back inside I pulled up next to her car and told her to give him a message to let him know I had met her he waited for a month before contacting me and the story he gave me was so outlandish and then he said he didnt know how it happen but it got late and they ended up sleeping together and that she wasn’t even good in bed that’s when I knew it was time to move on who says that to the person they are in a relationship with but that’s how Narcs think. a week had passed no contact he calls me and say I have proof that you had been cheating on me and he wanted to bring it over to show me I was like ok he gets to my place as usual just talk no proof I sent him home I have not spoke with him in 2 months I think with me it was hard to get that control and validation out of me we had great sex and that is what kept us in this relationship as long as it lasted but I realize that was not enough for me and that’s where his power is in the bedroom are at least he thinks I am sure he has moved on with my friend and he is victimizing her but I can’t feel sorry for her she will get just what she deserve just when she thought she was hurting me. I know this is too long to read but it felt good to get it out and to know I am not along thanks Savannah.
I noticed the blog specified gender and although I didn’t read all the posts it was mostly male N’s as the culprit. I am the victim of the female persuasion. In my case I was neck deep in love and pain. She had children that had lost their father and I shared that experience. Especially her youngest son was a young man I bonded with. I wanted it to work for me and them and I wanted to have a family. I was never good enough and in truth I wasn’t. The emotional pain I endured took me off my game and her constant drum beat of highlighting my mistakes made me ridden with guilt. I can say today that I am better off for the experience. Prior to her I was too superficial and really didn’t appreciate the value of a genuinely good person. What I seek in a woman today is far different than what I once seeked and I am excited to have something special in my life one day. Today I realize how to set healthy boundaries and to value a good hearted woman. Frankly I am a far better option as a mate today than I ever have been. So to those who read this don’t let your heart fret. The pain will soon pass and what you learned from your experience will better your life if you allow yourself to be honest. Tolerating bad behavior is not just unhealthy but always ends in destruction. That bitterness only transcends into victimizing another if you let it. I today can say I learned to be well balanced in my approach to my next relationship. I learned that I only fell victim because I was an easy target. I learned that nothing was stolen from, I gave it away. So keep your chin up ladies, there are good and honest men out there. You just have to be strong enough to demand healthy behavior and brave enough when you find him to give him your all. God Bless.
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, Ronny, but what a great response. I hope you have found or will soon find a good woman.
I spent just 4 months in what felt like deep phone conversation with a narcissist. He lived a little too far away for an easy commute so we were getting to know each other (I thought) by phone. He did all the things that I am reading narcissists do. First told me he had never met another woman like me, praised me for the things I wanted to be praised for, blew hot and cold about the possibility of a relationship but insisted we would be friends forever even if he starting dating someone, began with some subtle putdowns, including about my appearance, talked about women in his past constantly, then called me jealous, seemed to have a lot of rocky relationships, (but I still saw him as good-hearted and thought I had the patience for him. ) (What a long sentence – lol.) He showed me a vulnerable side of himself and I thought that meant something. And I loved what seemed like his high intelligence. (More like great bullshit ability.) And as much as he said he wanted to hear what I had to say, he ultimately always dominated almost every conversation.
Most of the time I felt happy, but it was interspersed with times i felt hurt and hopeless and devastated and cried my eyes out. All that just from phone conversations – I imagine how he could have hurt me if we’d lived closer together! In the end, he went from one day insisting that we had to meet – that we would regret it and it would be tragic if one of us died without ever meeting, to a day or two later insisting we couldn’t communicate because his new in-person girlfriend was jealous and she deserves to be made to feel safe by a “good man.” This woman and he started making out on Christmas Day while drunk and they don’t even speak the same language but must use an online translator to communicate! Oh actually after a few days of their being hot and heavy, he told me he was ending it, that he needed to “grow up” and that there were several things he didn’t even like about her and that he and I had “unfinished business” and really needed to meet, even “without her knowing.” The very next day he changed his mind. (I had not actually agreed to meet) and that’s when he cut me off due to her “jealousy.” Crazy stuff!
And in a way it IS helpful to think that he stole nothing from me, not even time. I gave it willingly, hoping for a big payoff – getting some of that payoff in self-esteem from attention from an “interesting” and entertaining man. He often seemed happy and positive. I chose to ignore red flags because I wanted to believe the best. I hope I have learned my lesson and won’t be such an easy target in and the future. I rarely got positive attention or praise from my father and am a sucker that way, but I need to focus on genuinely good people.
I dated a narc for 5 years, I already saw all the redflags once I moved in but he was dealing with an ill parent so I thought that’s what it was all about. I thought he was under a tremendous amount of stress and that is why everything was going down hill. He used to make me explain why there was hair on the floor in the bathroom, I started to vacuum every morning. He asked me to get rid of my belongings and my friends that he didn’t like. He drove me nuts. After his dad went into a home and things got worse. He spent even less time with me. He degraded me. He unplugged. I still never heard the term narc before or knew what it meant. But I had this compelling feeling to move out and get away from him. I bought a home of my own and left he kept our dog as a hostage and used the dog to keep a connection with me. He then met some girl at a bar( or this is the story he gave me) and the had sex on their first date. He told me it was over. And he kept making me share the dog with im still to keep a connection. He would use the opportunity to talk about how great this new girl was. Or what they do on the weekends etc. I started seeing a therapist because it was messing with my brain. The therapist explained to me that she was sure he was a sociopath and this is what they do. I started to recognize the signs. and the manipulation and I could see that our relationship was a fantasy and not what I thought. I have removed the dog form him and he has gotten very pissed and has said some things to our friends that I never said to manipulate them as well. I don’t care. Because I know myself.. I love myself and my dog and people that know me and know him wont believe it. You really have to get help and or seek out a professional in these matters this is not easy to get over alone. But you will.
I was married to a narc for 29 years knew him for 35. He found a woman he knew before me on fb. I never knew about her. two and s half years later is is still waiting for the liver who is too busy at work for him to be with her full time ( lol) . So he is attempting to hoover me in the hope of coming back but he doesn’t love me he just doesn’t want to be alone. Oh and I meant to mention. He wants to wait with me until she retires and he thinks I haven’t figured this out yet. But he loved her ….. But he’s not with her …. Wtf
I am so glad I found this page, the information and everyone’s comments. I recently ended a year long relationship with a man as had enough of his bs, only reading things online the last few days have I realised he was an N and I feel incredibly foolish. I have always thought of myself as someone that can see through people and trusted my intuition. So early on seeing him, after he had wooed me with his piercing eyes and charm etc did I start to feel something wasn’t right, a bad gut feeling, but I let it go and time went on, he declared his love for me very early, never felt this way before etc. More gut feelings, seeing odd behaviour, the lies, his inconsistent stories, staring in a predatory way at women constantly in front of me, even flirting and on confronted him, he would deny and deny and I would end up being accused of being paranoid etc and find myself apologising for upsetting him! I am not so much hurt and jealous as he has moved on to his next target now as he started to see he could no longer fool me and I wasn’t giving his ego the attention he wanted. I feel like had a lucky escape but just feel very stupid for being duped by him, my love and respect for him faded the last few months anyway, he has put me in danger, been obsessive etc, threatened to end his life for attention when I have tried to walk away before, and I was such an idiot and kept going back. The only way is absolute no contact as the moment you respond they try to pull you back in. Touch wood nothing from him this time as he is hopefully preoccupied and my heart goes out to his next victim and no doubt she will get the stories I got, all my exes were cheats, psychos, bullies etc. I admire everyone on here who has walked away after years of being with an N, the strength to leave and finally see them for who they were and are. I could list all the things he did, said, actions, but no need as they are all in other peoples comments here. Saw a great quote the other day and perfect for all this ‘no matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up and never ever give up’ x
I was in a on again off again relationship with a N for almost 8 months. He was charming at first (met him online in August 2015); he was someone I would have never dated but wanted to try something new. He rushed into the relationship very quickly. He wanted me to move in with him and his daughter almost 4 months into the relationship. I was apprehensive, I told him we needed to slow down so I did not move in. After that his whole attitude changed; he decided he needed a break. I saw many red flags but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Told him I did not want to live with a man unless I was married so we got a marriage license. We planned to get married in early February 2016. My gut feeling told me something wasn’t right. One week before we were supposed to get married I snooped in his phone and found several text messages to other women and messages on Facebook instant messenger to other women. I confronted him and of course he flipped the script and got mad at me for invading his privacy. I broke up with him and stopped all communication. I blocked him from calling me but silly me did not block him from emailing me. I received several emails from him begging for my forgiveness; telling me he got scared and that those women never meant anything to him. He said he made a mistake and that he would do anything to have me back in his life. Again me giving him the benefit of the doubt fell for his lies and we got back together. His behavior was on the up on up for a while until he felt he had me where he wanted me again. Then the vicious cycle continued. We broke up several times after that (by his doing). He was always creating conflict and or drama to make me mad or upset because he knew I would react. This would give him the time he needed to do what he wanted then when he was ready he would pull me back in. He had given me and took back his house key so many times it made my head spin. The last time he took back his key; I waited for him to leave for work and I went through his house and packed up everything that belonged to me. When he got home from work he was livid. Of course I felt horrible because I acted out of my norm but I had had enough. I told him I was tired of his bs and I was done. This time I did not block him. We still corresponded by text messages. We decided to not pursue a relationship right away. I told him I needed time to work on me and that we could “hang out” as friends and see where it takes us. Big mistake! One day while at his house hanging out; his new love interest called. He proceeded to have a conversation with her until I told him it was rude. He hangs up with her and she calls back again two times within an hour (the 3rd time he did not pick up the phone). He tried to convince me she was just a friend. I spent the night that night and snooped in his phone again and found out he was at her house a few days before (she lives one block away from him). I confronted him again and of course more lies were told to me. I realized I can not change him. I realized was only hurting myself and change must begin with me. I realized he will always be who he is. At first I was intensely jealous and hurt but I know his new love interest will soon find out who he is. I’ve since blocked him from all modes of communication (phone and email). I know at some point he will be back after he gets bored with her and he will try to reel me back into his wicked web of deceit. My healing begins with self love. I have to love myself enough to know I deserve better. Everyone affected my narcissistic abuse deserves better.
I have been reading everything I can on narcissists for the past few weeks, ever since I stumbled across a link on FB. When I read it, it was like a light bulb turned on, shedding light onto what seemed like pure insanity for so long! I literally thought I was crazy! I have been on a roller coaster with who I’m now sure in an N for almost 5 years now! It started with a very flattering FB message in which he revealed that he had been searching for me for a very long time (we had a very brief thing years before) and couldn’t believe he had finally found me! Needless to say, we immediately started seeing eachother and it was seemingly so terrific! A few weeks in, when asked the, “My place or yours” question, he reluctantly admitted that he was still living with his ex (red flag) but of course, they weren’t together, he just hadn’t found a place to move yet. Even showed me messages between them indicating that there was currently no love going on there! Continued with flattery, I was his soul mate, angel, the first woman he ever loved. Had me hang on to his money for and help him search for a place to live. He did move out shortly after that, so this red flag was swept under the carpet. We dated for a year while he lived in his own appartment! He was handsome, charming, energetic and excited about things in life, and seemed devoted to me, his “sweetheart”! Not surprising that I was totally snowed and he managed to have logical explanations for the small lies I started to catch him in, usually involving the ex he left for me. It was always innocent, him helping her out with something and he only didn’t want me to know because he didn’t want me to think the wrong thing! In the meantime, he spent most of the year planning the next phase of our relationship, us moving in together. And I was so in!! We did, leased a house out of the range I could afford, but was assured not to worry, because we were doing it together and BOTH of our lives would be easier! I quickly learned that there would always be something preventing him from being able to pay his fair share. Our sex life slowed down considerably, and only a couple month of moving in together I was hit with my first painful dose of reality! He left his old phone he was using until I got him a new one about the same time we signed the lease on our house, and something told me to look at it! I found messages between him and his ex, and several other women as well. Some occurring on the day of our lease signing. The day we were setting up our new life together he was innaprropriately messaging multiple women! Smh I confronted, he pulled all the antics stated in this post and the comments. Caught him in numerous other lies, and at one point found out he was planning to move back in with his ex. I don’t think he really wanted to and had her believing it to get what he wanted from her. Made him leave, then let him come back after 2 weeks of constant begging. Things seemed great again, for awhile, eventually returned back to bad. Always having the gut feeling he was up to something. I finally had enough and gave him some ultimatums or I would be done. At first he wanted to work it out and spend the rest of his life with me, then suddenly did a 180 and said it would be best for the both of us to spend some time apart! Hmmm Shortly after breaking up, I learned of an a fair he had over the previous year, and he started acting crazy. Suddenly I was being accused of messing around and he was constantly hacking my FB and going through my phone. Stalking me at work and even smashed my phone twice! And even more weird is suddenly he wanted sex with me literally all the time. Later I found out he had a new girlfriend the moment we broke up. But he would not leave me alone and had an affair with me during the whole 8 Mos they were together. Now he wants us to be back together agsin, but I get the distinct impression he has others now as well ! Craziness
I married a narcissist after having dated him on/off for 6 yrs. I knew it was a crapshoot but did it anyway. Figured I could handle him — even kept my own house as a safety net. Fast forward. He cheated on me when he was supposed to be out of state WORKING — lied constantly about stupid things – and was obsessed with money. He never gave me a penny but he had a l00K hobby that was putting him deeper and deeper into debt. He’d already filed one bankruptcy and learned NOTHING. I wouldn’t marry him til that was over — thinking he learned his lesson. He didn’t. He neglects his kids/grandchildren and treats them like dispensible commodities – like his dogs. People are like toys. Put them on the shelf and take them down when it’s time to play. I was his arm candy – gave him a great public image. But behind closed doors… He never took me out – ignored birthdays/anniversaries/Xmas, and expected me to pay my own way. The only thing he would pay for was supplemental health insurance thru his work. The last straw was when I found out he opened a credit card behind my back AFTER we’d discussed at length how I would never tolerate him going back into credit card debt because of his impulse buying. Toys. Always toys. While he wouldn’t get us dental insurance? Or vision? He’s 64 going on 12. Too old for this crap. And whoever described this arrangement as a roller coaster?? THEY are right on target. Sad news for me was – the roller coaster was always at the bottom. He is also an alcoholic, chain smoker, and the latest was NO time to talk to me. Seriously??? Why don’t I just lay down and let him wipe his feet on me?? I rubbed his feet – made his lunches – did his laundry – pulled weeds, washed windows.. I mean, really???? I tried talking a million times. He kept saying ” I hear you.” But.. he never LISTENED. He is the most selfish, cocky, bs artist I’ve ever known. He never added one thing to my life – and only made it harder. I hold down a job – own my own business and drive my autistic grandson to the babysitter 5 days a week. He just spends thousands on his cars and PROMISES the MOON to me. I could be dead by the time I ever see a vacation.
RUN RUN RUN. It does NOT get better and you will NOT make a difference. They are what they are. If you marry a rattlesnake, don’t be surprised when he bites you.
My ex narcissist was with his other girlfriend the whole time he was with me. I found out 9 mo. into the relationship and he blamed me for ruining a “4 year friendship.” BS every past girlfriend is his “friend.” Well I had to cut him off, the only way to keep my sanity. The trust was gone, he did nothing to make it better, always fights and distancing himself so I couldn’t know what he was really doing. And then calling me paranoid or a bully. Amazing the convoluted logic they use. They are cruel, conniving liars who only enjoy crazy making.
I have been married for 12 years we have 2 kids. It wasn’t until 2 months ago that I finally opened my eyes and seen what was going on. My husband left me 16months ago, we were fostering my 3 nieces and nephews. I was a mess, didn’t know what to do I always did what he would tell me to. He would say he left because I wouldn’t change. I have lost all my friends we only would go around his family and he contantly put down my family, and expected me to choose him over them. He got a GF after being gone for 4 months He left it a secret for 2months. He would fight with her then come back to me, well last March they broke up. He told me he loves me and wanted to make it work, he still didn’t come home he remained living at his mom’s. I thought we were doing pretty good the the bomb was dropped that he was back with her. He was still seeing me and her for almost a month then he let me know. I was devastated, I had a talk with her she knows he was with me and she said it’s ok because he was trying to be with his kids. He blocked my phone, I’m ok with that I finally packed his stuff up and met with a lawyer. There are utilities still in his name I’ve asked him to remove his name he wont, he won’t get his stuff. He is bringing the girl around our kids and continues to tell our kids lies about me. I’ve searched so many websites trying to find if he does have narcissist or some other mental illness or was it truly me. During our marriage he emotionally and physically abused me, was controlling, and everything was always my fault. I also recently found out he was cheating on me before he left us, it makes me wonder how many more there were.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. Glad that I followed my “red flag” instincts. If anyone lies, cheats, abuses emotionally or physically, is controlling or disrespectful and has an addiction issue, leave immediately. The only number they need is one for a psychotherapist and addiction counselor. Walk away.
I was with my N for 4 years, even had a baby with him. I went through so many ups and downs. Him making me feel like I always did something wrong. He would always out me last and did everything he could to make me think that he was more important than me. I always came last in the relationship. At first it was roses and trips and gifts. But I always had to do something in return. If I didn’t do what he wanted he would make me feel guilty. Long story short last straw was when he left our 8 month old in the house alone so he could go to the store to get something to eat for himself. I came home to find my child in the house by herself. I filed for custody got full physical. He still got overnight visitation on the weekends. Just recently found out that during the last months of our relationship he was cheating with a girl we worked with. Even got her pregnant. It hurts because of everything he did to me I never thought he was a cheated. Guess I can add that to the list. Why does it hurt so bad. They’re still together and I’m alone.
I can relate to everything everyone puts on here and like you all so glad we all have somewhere to come to find the answers to what we went through.. None of us want to believe what was had was fake but that is the truth as behind his mask there is no face of a normal person..
I was married to mine for 18yrs and what with the constant moving house and then me giving up work to look after our two boys I thought I had the perfect life with a the man of my dreams..
I got wise to the nights he was working so late and yes the scent treatment and the nights he would turn his back on me in bed at night.
His mood swings were constant and I was treading on eggshells he started to cause rows and he would take the boys out on his own and all this was done now to win them over and the long term plan to turn them against me..
I don’t know how I got through my life with him and a weird thing I look back and reflect now how close he was to his mother and how she always had to be with us at xmas and Easter and on all our holidays, to her he played the perfect son when she was around to witness it but behind closed doors he started to treat me badly and dictate my friends and where I went and what I wore.. Before long I was going through a divorce and having to battle my story out to a barrister to help me…
Lucky for me I got a lovely house of it and he had to pay me a large sum on maintenance to look after the boys who came to live with me and he had their school fees to also pay for. I got on my feet quickly and met a very good man and we have worked together to get a nice home and business behind us and a far different relationship than I had with that monster..
I saw him with endless women after and the money he would throw at them with holidays away and buying them presents, something he was good at was getting into debt, I don’t miss that. Anyway this girl didn’t last she saw the light and moved on.. The next came along who I think he met at work and this seemed serious, she had 2 girls and I watched and again he played his tricks on her I even saw him out with other women when he was supposed to be loved up with her. They broke up for a while (perhaps this was yet another one of his silent treatments before going back to her) he moved on with another again for about 18 mths then went back to her again..
I really thought he would settle as she was lovely and she had a lot to offer him (perhaps he couldn’t sink his claws into her and she became wise to his games like we all do). As quickly as they broke up he moved house, hit a new job and worked on himself as he was starting to look a mess next think he has this timid woman on his arm and taking her off to our place we had in la manga and then Barbados.
Yes like you all I was jealous but not sure why when these guys are monsters and do not deserve your love and when you find someone new like I have you begin to see that they belong in the gutter. Shake yourself up get to the gym feel good about who you are and spend some time working on getting who you are back…
These monsters have tried to make you feel bad about yourself purely because that’s how bad they feel about themselves, they are the liars and the cheats and whoever is with them will soon realise that and the cycle will go on by which time you can be happy without them…. It is hard, it was for me too but read as much as you can and get positive about who you are…… Between us all we can get right back on that pedestal as that is where we were before we met these creeps…
I’ve read the post on not taking revenge. However, i am so tempted to contact my ex-partner’s current supply (she’s been his supply for a staggering 8 years of our 22- year marriage) to tell her the nature of the beast she’s been dealing with. I would only do this once our v messy property settlement is done with. Any thought? Am i digging myself a grave?
Brilliant. Amazingly accurate.
You all ladies are lucky you got rid of that “shit”
So thats another advantage
I find your comment about ‘just like the one you replaced’ irritating. Some of us entered into relationships with men who weren’t attached to anyone. In retrospect, I’m sure he was playing the field and sleeping with everything he could, but he was single and had been for a while.
That comment is totally dismissive of long-term primary supplies who truly *didn’t* see it coming. Some us didn’t replace anyone, but *we* were replaced. Not everyone in their triangulation is an other woman…some of us did have standards and morals and still fell for their lies.
The difference between me and the girl he left with is that my hands were clean. I know she’ll experience the same crap I did, but it’s really hard not to think in some much more concrete way *she* will deserve it.
Smbmarketing my comment doesn’t necessarily imply an affair. I implied that these types of individuals usually have harems of others pining for them that they are involved with indirectly or marginally. It’s funny rather than say, “Sav thank you for the hundreds of blogs you’ve written, the willingness to share your story and the 1000’s of hours you’ve put into this,” You”re one of those people that are constantly looking for something to be offended by. Well you can’t please all of the people….
Keep in mind that you are not meant to be insulted. All of us have been lied to. I was told he was divorced! We did not willingly hurting people, our partners did. Please don’t take this as an opportunity to shame other’s who have also suffered psychological and emotional abuse from Narcissists.
This is so real . wow
This is exactly what I needed to read. Ive had a roller coaster of a break up, my ex however hates himself and surrounds himself with the attention to feel better. Ive learnt that I no longer filled the empty void and fed his ego, so when some shiny new fan came along he snapped up the chance. I wish her luck, I dislike her because she knew about me. But I wish her luck because she has no idea what mess is hiding behind that mask.
This article is like reading my relationship story!! Accept I think my partner was a narcisstic sociopath. He was physically abusive, mentally and financially and a complete control freak. But at same time completely insecure within himself. Blamed me for everything! We’d split up and he’d moved out, dumped our expensive rental on me and for the following six months carried on pretending he loved me, wanted to make a go of it. Messed me around so much. I just wish I had valued myself enough to leave a long time ago. He got back in touch with an old ex, who hed previously made out to be the bitch from hell and basically, I fell pregnant, he ignored me, then came back saying he was sorry etc etc, I lost the baby and next minute he’s with her. Turns out it had been going on few weeks or so, like I knew. Anyways, now I told him Im not interested Im beginning to see his rage. He’s now stuck with her, and she’s very loved up!! He wants his cake and eat it. I was going to contact her and tell her the truth after the pair of them started slating me all over facebook, calling me ‘crazy’and ‘how I wont let go of him??’ etc but then I thought, I really cant be bothered. Started therapy to learn to value myself again, and started looking after me and its working. He is now trying his hardest to show how ‘happy’ he is in his new relationship yada yada….its like being in an episode of Jeremy Kyle!!! Im a bit older than him, he did a lot of weed when he was younger right up until recently, nearly everday. Pretty sure that didnt help. It is really hard though because you become convinced there is something wrong with you as they are SO good at playing the victim. Even now, after everything he has put me through, which is a lot, my heart softens now and again but I just remind myself of all the nasty things he’s done and said and sad fact that he will probably never change.
I’ve been with this guy for almost 3 years now. at first things were good. we met and were just friends and we got closer and closer. We started to share our past rather it be about relationships, family issues, things we liked and didn’t like to do. About 2 months into talking to hi me asked me out and within the 3rd month he said he was in love with me. I fell deeply in love with him and i thought he was my match my soul mate from then on. The first couple months were good until things started to go south. this number was continuously calling him late at night around 3 in the morning and i would constantly ask who it was. at times he would say no one and then he would tell me its his ex girlfriend. well i said why don’t you answer it? he replies and says because I don’t want to theres no point she hurt me and I’m done wit her. So i brushed it off but it kept happening so i asked to explain why they broke up. he said she lied about who she was online and she just hurt him. Moving forward i let that go seeing we were together and thought nothing more of the ex. I let this guy move in with me because his parents kicked him out and he had no where to go. i fed him clothed him pretty much was there for him through it all. Now things got worse when i would see him texting other girls, and sexting. we would argue and he would tell me it wasn’t like that or say he doesn’t know why he did it and that he loved me i was the only girl for him. i forgave and things went back on track. then this would happen again either with a co worker or some girl online i would confront same outcome. he made me so paranoid that i would go through his phone when he would be sleep or make fake accounts or numbers and text him to see how he would reply back. When i would confront him with evidence he would be in denial and we argue more or he would pull the you don’t trust me card or i knew that was you the entire time when i know that was a lie. i would forgive him and life would be good again. on to the 2nd year we would talk more about building and he would say how he loved and wanted to marry me start a family together. I was still in college and playing on the basketball team and I didn’t want o just halt everything. He would tell me a baby would bring us closer and that i was his life. Still occasionally or i shall say when i would find out the infidlity of cheating texting other girls would happen still. but i decided to have a child with him and i feel like that was the biggest mistake. I felt alone the entire pregnancy he was somewhat emotionally there for me. 2 weeks before our sons due date he walked out on me and was gone for a week. Then eventually asked for my forgiveness and i took him back. in the course of being pregnant between the porn websites dating websites the texting of the girls and me finding panties in the car from under our mattress i was fed up and there were excuses for it al. sorry I’m all over the place theres just so much that has happened. our son is 5 months old now and we got into a altercation and he has left again and won’t even come see his son won’t answer phone calls messages. he is also on drugs ( weed and on probation for it but that doesn’t phase hi one bit) i try and try with hi second chances i try to fix him but i find myself hurt or everyone thinks I’m crazy ohhh and the e girlfriend i mentioned of his earlier everytime we get in fight he calls her when he knows that affects me I’ve cried my eyes out to him saying why can’t you leave her alone etc.. and he doesn’t see the issue with them talking ??? i need help i want to leave my friends and family think i need to but i love this guy so much
I had an affair with a married guy at work of course I was his new supply. Good morning gorgeous, ojos, guapisma. I found him extremely attractive, and loved his confidence. He swept me off my feet by making me feel I deserved better and spending everyday lunch and after work with me. We’d workout together and the intimacy was amazing. A year into the affair, He began telling me he was going to leave his wife, but not because of me, it was for his own personal reasons. He said, his actions are not implying for me to do the same. He left home for approximately 4 days, went back home. I never left my husband, but after telling him, I was going to treat my husband better, better wife and the way he deserves to be treated, he turned cold. It’s always been off and on, but I got tired off always feeling the blame, being treated and talked to as a child, hurt, pain, low confidence, needy, being ignored and everything to his convenience. He’s so controlling, and needs to feel superior than everyone else. He’d tried putting words in my mouth and making me believe I was making decisions that I never said. He was making me feel as if I was crazy. I was feeling so depressed, anti-social. We’ll I’m happy to say after learning of his narcissistic traits, I want no contact and will interact with him on a professional manner at work. I feel for his wife and kids.
I met my female Narcisist 3 months ago. She fits all the criteria, bled me expertly and consistently, financially and emottionally but Saturday I confronted her and ended it. It wasn’t easy but I knew I had to do it, before it got any worse. I had to unfriend her and block her although I didn’t want to, that’s part of their effect. Hope the longing passes soon. I know I did right.
Love this blog and all the comments. So comforting to know there are other.
Did anyone have an ex-narc that seemed to care about one of his exes? Mine would always go on about how he “wanted to marry his ex” and how she “broke his heart” Great things to say to a current girlfriend, I know! Besides the point- has anyone had a Narc express feelings like this? Granted- he does throw in jabs like “she wasn’t pretty enough for me” or “I can’t believe I was dumped!” I’m wondering if it is really heartbreak or just his ego. Also- he had a slew of exes–but only mentions this particular one.
I ask this, bc my twisted mind likes to use this bit of info as negating that he really is a narc and then I feel like it’s all my fault and he isn’t to blame. My mind isn’t very nice sometimes 🙂
SeekingAnswers: Yes, my narc did the exact same thing to me and his other lovers, except he would give each of us a different name. Haha… perhaps we have the same narc in common. His reasons for saying this, I later uncovered, were quite twisted.
I have been married for 34 years to a dirt bag like this…
Hi everyone, well where do i start…. i am 2 months out of a very long relationship, 28 years, of what…. abuse of every variety, numerous affairs he has had that i have lost count of,in return for my unconditional love,care,goodness i have shown him. A few weeks before he left me, he attacked me quite badly and i am still recovering, i am over 60 years of age (he is younger, taller and stronger )not in the best of health, yet he did this to me for being verbal back to him, i had confronted him as to if he was being unfaithful to me, as i saw all the signs again, but he lied and lied to my face, he abandoned me like a used tissue, and ran to his OW who believed all his lies, that it was I who was the physco bitch, spent all his money and cheated on him constantly, when in fact he was talking about what HE had done to ME.unbelievable! I have read and re read so many great sites such as this, and like everyone else, could be reading about ex narc. He devalued me 3 months prior to leaving, all the signs and alarm bells were there, but the discard was and is so very painful and hard to accept. I had truly saw his true colour’s towards the end, so this was to be my punishment. Unlike somethings i read, i DON’T think he will try to come back, i’m of no use to him at all. So, for the very first time, i reported him to the Police, i had photos and other evidence,they took it most seriously as it was such a bad attack, he is pleading NOT GUILTY if you please, well he has to keep up the lies for his new supply, however he is a very vindictive man who always seeks revenge, no matter how long he has to wait, i have seen this so many times, even though i have restrictions on him, i am concerned that by contacting the Police, not to mention going to court, the revenge he seeks will be devastating to me. Thank you all for reading my story, and i truly welcome any help or advice you could offer. Hugs. xx
6 years of trying to hook up with me and another 6 years of relationship, getting engaged and then he decided he is not happy anymore!!!!
A 60 year old Narc found his new supply in a bar!!!!!
It’s been almost a month that he has left……..
I started dating my narc ex in 2006. It was the most passionate sweet kind relationship ived ever had. He started staying with me really fast. Which made me fee fabulous at the time because he always wanted to be with me. 2009…I found out he was seeing another girl for 3 mths. She told me everything. I was sick n eneded it. By the end of 2009 I was back with him. I felt sick without him. He started all his lovely way again. Dinner every nite. Wanted to be with me every chance he had. Telling me I was his soulmate. 2013 – I ened it again. Tired of the lies n his gambling addiction was me insane. With all the weekend getaway sex n church on Sunday s. He was still a fake lair. 2013. – December. ..he was all into me again. Saying he missed his baby. N wanted to work things out. After celebrating new years n Valentine’s day together he stared being hes lying self. I found he was seeing a new supply. …. he completely shut me out n has givien me no contact at all. I reached out but when he ses me its like Im. A stranger. It has caused me to feel like cr. More like shit! When I see with this new girl I feel sick. I know hes no good n pretty much evil. Whrn he seen me with a guy he followed le all over town. He kinda creeps me out now but I still miss him . I feel so stupid! Did I mention he is 42 n has lived with his. mom sinc 2006. Expect whrn he would stay with me. Im still dealing with being discared like trash. But I know I need to keep moving fwd to get over this pain.
My relationship with my narcissistic ex ended almost 2 years ago. It was a brief relationship in which my son was conceived. When my son was 4 wks old I called my ex on his behaviour and was devastated when he made the choice not to change and do whatever was required to make our relationship work. The next year was utter hell as I went through custody battles and child support issues. On top of this when my son was 14 weeks old I had to return back to work to support us and to pay for a lawyer. I was fortunate to have 9 months of psychotherapy where I learnt that my ex was a narcissist. It was incredibly liberating to be able to finally make sense of all the behaviours, the things about him that were ‘off’, as well as exploring how my codependency made me a willing target. The first year was incredibly difficult, although logically I knew and understood that he was not good for me, I still constantly battled with swinging the pendulum of wanting to expose him to the world as the dodgy, using, lying con artist that no one else but me could see – to still feeling nostalgic about being a loving couple and family. During this time he would flirt and use sexual innuendo, I would flirt right back, but when it looked like I was in danger of going back there, by the grace of god I was able to control. these impulses, even though I still felt like I loved him. Two years later there is no chance of me ever getting back with him, but nostalgia still pops up every so often, namely when I feel vulnerable or lonely. I acknowledge it for what it is and revisit my co- dependency to see what is reoccurring for me i.e. rejection, abandonment, not being good enough.
Yesterday I found out about infidelities that occurred during our relationship. I suspected this way back then but everyone dismissed my suspicions due to recent childbirth and the break up. It is bittersweet to have my instincts validated and to have my choices not to ever go there with him again reaffirmed. Right now I am working through the emotions that come with such a discovery; the anger and the hurt, and the disappointment of being right about him – again. On the upside I am better equipped to work through this two years down the track, and it doesn’t come as a complete shock, but nevertheless challenging as I face new emotions of shame, rejection, jealously and envy because of these infidelities. I would be interested in learning how others have worked through infidelity post relationship ending. Thanks in advance!
A heartfelt thank you, Savannah.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you and my friend who, hearing my story, directed me to NPD websites and blogs.You have saved me from years more pain and anguish. I have just read Katherine Mansfield’s short story, “The Singing Lesson”. The main character, Miss Meadows is being manipulated by…guess who!
I’m just going through the same thing. Was with my ex N for 5 years, engaged and he cheated when I went on holiday, brought the OW home to our bed on the first night! Hid the affair for 2 months and then dropped me like trash. Came back, took him back, did it again with the same woman after 5 nightmare months. No empathy, nothing…just left (despite swearing he’d NEVER hurt me again). 3 months no contact..ran into him…started contact again, dropped her like trash, came back to me. Told me he was cheating on her with others as well. 2 months, dropped me like trash, went back to her. Its been 1 month of NO CONTACT but I’m an absolute wreck. And somehow I have these insane ideas that he has now realized he loves her and will give her everything he wouldn’t give me. Me mind tells me it will not happen, but I am terrified…what if…
What if Lina? What if a miracle happens and he turns into a great guy for her…what if?…That is your worst case scenario. The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter what or who he becomes, with someone else, because he wasn’t a great guy for you….he didn’t make you happy…he’s not the guy for you….that’s what all this pain is about….it’s telling you this is not where you need to be and it shows you every time you go back by giving you more pain. When you get this it will become easier to let go and move on.
Update to my 8-11-2014 post…. The new supply called me… As I said before I have blocked both of them, but the voice message still comes through and gives you the opportunity to listen… And I did.. There she was begging me to call her. At first I wasn’t even going to even acknowledge it, but something in me told me I needed to.. I only sent her a text to keep it as impersonal as I could blocking her immediately after. I quickly told her that yes I had them both blocked because I had no intention of ever involving myself with anything that had to do with him in any way and as long as she was with him then that meant her too. I did let her know that he was right about me being able to better than him and I had no fear of telling her the same thing.. I again set the boundaries for any contact from her… As long as she was with him there was nothing I had to offer her but when the time came, because it was going to happen, and she was ready to start the recovery process I would welcome her calls and do what I could to help her. I finished the message by urging her again to come to this website and just read and it would save her so much grief and pain and possibly even her life…. I hit send and I took another step forward into my recovery
I can’t begin to tell you how much this blog has helped me and probably saved my sanity. I was in the relationship for only 18 months but the devastation was total and complete. The man is nothing but pure evil. I found out about the other woman because she called me out of the blue. Imagine getting that call and then finding out from her that they had been together for over 6 months and that she had already busted him cheating on her with a 3rd woman 2 months prior. So I got hit with not one but 2 women… I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe…I couldn’t eat. I honestly thought I was going to die. The SOB had the gall to call me and leave 2 very threatening voice mails on my phone when his new girl friend confronted him, telling me how he was going to burn me to the ground for betraying him… That’s when I knew what a completely vile, despicable waste of human flesh I was dealing with. The new supply sent me a text telling me that one of the conditions of her staying with him was that he had to apologize to me for threatening to me…. I told her absolutely not! He was to stay the hell away from me and he was not to contact me in any way.. I tried to tell her she was dealing with a man who had NPD and his apologizing to me would mean absolutely nothing to him and I would not allow him to use me in his continued lies to her. He has no remorse, he’s incapable of loving and that it was just going to happen to her again. How could she ignore the fact that he had cheated on her twice and I had been “with” him 2 days before… How could she ignore the snap shot of the text he sent me the day before telling me how much he loved me and what an amazing, beautiful selfless person I was and how he couldn’t imagine his life without me in it? But she did… I told her I wanted him completely out of my life and if she choose to stay with him then that meant her too and I blocked both of them in every way I could. It’s been 21 days…. I had to send a text message to him to tell him to pick up a package that was delivered to me that was his. I told him I would set it out in front of my work and he was not to pick it up until after 5:30 or until my car was gone because I didn’t want to see his disgusting evil face in any way and not to bother replying in any way because I wouldn’t see it anyway. Amazingly he did as I asked. It hasn’t been easy I was completely in love with this man and even though I know what he is and there was nothing I could have done to change what happened, I still get those sharp knives in my heart that takes my breath away when I think about him. The damage this man has caused to my soul will be something I will never be able to repair. I’ve started the recovery process but it’s going to take a long time before I trust anybody again especially myself. When I feel myself starting to slip I come here and I read or I write in my journal.. sometimes the letters are to him and sometimes I just write whatever I am feeling. The biggest comfort I have come to realize, that I might be able to offer to others, is that these men have no souls and the day their lives come to an end they will simply cease to exist. There is no place in any kind of afterlife for them and with no souls there is no chance of rebirth… The only one truth this man ever told me, whether he knew it or not, was that I could do better than him and he was right. My redemption will be my sweetest revenge……
This is absolutely right on. When I was with my N and he was telling me he loved me and would never think of being unfaithful .. I believed it. Months later, I discovered facebook chat messages (he’s an executive at a large tech company and dimwit forgot to sign out of his facebook account before leaving my house)to/from N to his best friend and to/from x# of women that he had been sleeping with and manipulating for who knows how long. There was one woman after another and another and here he was, on facebook, telling them the same crap as he had told me. It was unbelievable. The most unbelievable part, however, were the chats between him and a friend of his. They were actually talking about ME and the other women he had been sleeping with, referring to us as “old crop” and saying “This is too easy. I wish we were like this and knew about this in high school.” It was absolutely sickening. He also shared details about the things he had said to the women he was involved with, such as “I told her to get off of the pill so I could unload in her” — I told her to figure it out. His friend would reply “ha ha.. that’s hysterical.” It has been a nightmare to get through this and I hope I never have to relive this story again. It’s truly so sad that people can be so hurtful. I have obviously cut off contact and will never look back!
I’ve been in NC with my NPD ex since Apr 14. He was ordered to move out of my home by the courts May 12th. I had to file a TRO to get him out because he told me he was never leaving, yet he’s had a new gf for over a year while I was still in a relationship with him. After he was served people started coming to me telling me about the other women in addition to her. She was the only one he tormented me with by bringing her to the job, we work for the same company a floor apart. He also tried to lure her to my home while he was on one of his drunken binges and he assaulted me when I confronted him. We lived together for 3 yrs but have been in each other’s lives for 15. I thought he was just a bad bf but my therapist (I’m in therapy trying to heal) indicated that he was far more insidious than that. This article has been so helpful and those of whom who have chosen to share your stories has been so helpful to me. I’ve been through 3 years of hell with his cheating, substance abuse, alcoholism & excessive marijuana use, among a million other things he put me through. To this day he has not accepted responsibility for his actions and I realize that he never will. I’m thankful everyday that I got out and and I have not responded to any of his acts of intimidation or acts of pity or his leaving stuff in the house because we go back to court and I will deal with him. I see him since we work in the same bldg but I look him dead in the face; he can’t scare me anymore and he looks away. His new gf thinks he’s sweet so he’s molding her still and I feel for her but not too much cause she tried to come to my house cause he told her to. If not for God, my family, friends, and the angel of my mother guiding me I would not be on the road to recovery and and away from him. Getting him out of my life has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’m stronger for it and will be better off in the long run. I wish you all courage, happiness and a full recovery from these malignant a$$clowns. I’m still going through it but it has gotten better.
Thank god for these web sites, the more we read, the more thing make sense. I too was married to a N, 20 years of unknown torture, mind games & emptiness, my soul was taken, he destroyed me emotionally, financially & even turned almost every friend against me! My only mistake was loving him unconditionally. Although I have been to hell & back, I have discovered me along the way. It’s been 4 years divorced now, very limited contact as we have 2 boys & share knowledge on them only, I can see straight through him now. I was labelled a physco whore, yet 8 women came forward claiming they too were taken in by his charm & promises of leaving me for them, for these 8 women I wonder how many others have not come forward yet I do not need to know! I still have my sad days, especially when I see him romancing his new victim, I feel for her however, I know in her body language already that his true colours are emerging. I am a survivor, I no longer walk on egg shells in my own home, I have made new friends & no longer just exist, I live! The more I read the more I see in these type of people, they are to be pitied, not admired. Thank god these web sites are available, they truely saved my sanity, to all of you out there, no contact is the means to their end, they will always hover but it’s up to us to not respond, I now laugh at his attempts to gain my attention, I do not give an inch, I walk tall & proud of who I am, he hates seeing me happy, I thank him for discarding me, it gave me my life back! Keep up the good work in keeping these websites circulating!
My N keeps getting in touch. this in spite of the fact that in Xmas day, and helping him to register his present on Amazon, I discovered the bank card of his girlfriend , that had been used 2 years prior…he said he did not know who the person was…after investigation..she has been living with him for a while …omg…
he had been telling me for months not to go to his flat because it was damp !!
so, he texts and emails constantl, he is blocked but I still have a look for some reason…he thinks that I will be willing to still be with him, when he has done the dirty on me with a girl 20 years his junior…what is wrong with this man??
I told him go find one of his whores if he wants to cheat on his new gf, because I am out…10 years I have spent with this clown…my only blessing is no children with him..but ..the betrayal feels so stupid…the lies…he only had to admit…I found the emails with the holiday to her country…he said it was a stag do for work…more lies and lies…and then the texts..you cant hate me forever…can you..you cant..you cant cope without me…you cant can you..yes i can…i always have done and I always will…he however, will never stop cheating and lying and will end up a lonely old man.
My ex N discarded me already, and is currently with his new supply. The image they portray is a happy one that is making me sick to my stomach. My ex N and I were together for 6 years, and we also have a child, who he also discarded along with me. For some reason I find myself obsessing over when she’ll be discarded if ever. The pain of rejection and abandonment is so overwhelming, sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. I just lay there staring off into space, wallowing in the pain that I feel so deeply in my heart. This person treated me, and our child like dirt, and here I am like a pitiful little co-dependent pining over him still, asking myself ” What did I do wrong/ How come he doesn’t love me”? *sigh*…. The trauma bond is very real here. I take comfort in knowing that this new supply he has will eventually be discarded as I was. Yes, I’m jealous that the person who mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused me has found someone else. God, I need help.
It’s not just men. My ex-girlfriend has done this over the last two months. The worst thing is that she was pregnant when she started courting other men. We chose to have a baby together. She got down as she put on weight and had morning sickness. Her response? She had an abortion and told me it was a miscarriage, then she started secretly dating other men. Two months later she discarded me for being too emotional! I am now the crazy one for checking her emails to get the truth. The reality is she went on dates whilst bleeding out our baby.
Thank God I have amazing friends and family to support me through these times. My vengeance? To walk away and live my life to the full, be happy and find an amazing partner to settle down with. One day she will see this and realise she can never have it.
I call them Sirens from Greek Mythology. No man can stand their music. But if one is strong enough to walk away and be happy, they will self-destruct.
OMG! That blog article was identicle to my circumstance. I have been off & on since last may, obessisively over this puke, “my soulmate” Almost tattooing his name on me. Very against my beliefs. I put a spyware service on his phone & I am not crazy as he was leading me to believe it myself. Hes a Super cyberly by week, & physically on the weekends. I have changed almost everything about myself but my name. I keep his house perfect, clothes washed always, kida & dogs tended, & never no to sex & did his devuliant requests. im attractive, athletically fit, intelligent, very funny, & uncombatative. so no reason to look elsewhere. He is very anger enraged & physically comes at me to choke or man-handle me. I am on my last mission of riding this ride out. my 10 yr dachshund, w/cushings disease got pregers by his young dog & is due next week. he already attempted with vengeful anger to throw me out physically yesterday for being so torn up from the girl he went to sex up. he would literally throw my dog & I on the street mid labor. he has, I just found out from the spyware, a $1200/mo (im assuming its monthly since he did the same transaction about a month ago) meth habit. I really am now depleated & fed up with the intense blows & disrespect. its debilitating. it will take professional therapy to get thru this. when it was goid, it was perfect. otherwise I wanted so badly to commit suicide. my soul will be unrecognizableif I continue on here. so I stay if I can fenagle it for my dog for 7 more weeks, ugh or more. or go NOW, but not prepared for anywhere. His 10 yo daughter & 13 yo son have cried & begged me plz dont leave. thats the Only reason Ididnt leave when I was going to. I had a mother that was narcissistic among other clinically diagnosed mental incapacities. my bf is actually more vicious & crueller than she. unbelievable. i have a small part time support system but its unstable & somewhat flakey. I am mustering up strength only thru the anger brought on from suffering in silence. I get bad thoughts towards him & try & channel that into constructive planning for future moves. Prayer has been my peace as well as the kids & the 3 dogs, 1 being my ginger. thank u for all ur testimonies. im so tired of talking to myself. I answered the confusing questions I knew filled his kids heads. we have confidential sharing of our feelings hour or 2 after school & prior his return from work. I have tough choices to make. id love to stay to keep gge kids emotionally, mentally, & spiritually healthy as much as I can. ive been there.
LOL like clock work —- he just called with a good morning thinking I am going to call him back, At this point he is cluless cause I have always been there for him through the dead of his dad, his best friend and now his 90 something mom who is sick. I have always been the one he can count on. Not anymore.I am numb to him now and that is how I want to be. This has been a 20 year process of him coming and going me taking him back only for him to leave again. Now the ball is in my court and I am running with it —– away from him.
<y story is like everybody else on this except for the physical abuse so I will not into details. The cheating, lying making me feel like something is wrong with me When confronted he tells me I am insecure. lol Found out he was priming his next suplly while distancing himself from me yet still in contact with me. I sat him up by having think I believed asll the lies and thatthings were good with us. After my last conversation on Thursday, I instantly went into no contact and he started panicing. My cell and house phone raining constatmly at all hours of the day or night. Last msg he left las night was "you must be out of town" It's only been three days but I feel that I had to do this on my terms and not wait til he decides he wants a "timeout" like he did last Spring only to return in the Fall through the winter. I am so angry now that I can't feel the hurt any more. The tears will not come anymore. Prayer has helped me through this. There is a lesson in this and now I know he cannot come back —-NEVER. I put in a lot of energy in trying to make this work, little did I know he was not worth an ounce of my time. Ladies you can do this. It's about you not him. I feel so free of him today and like I said I am going into day four. Did not hear from him yesterday (Sunday) but I know it's just a matter of time before my phone will start ringing again. So glad I found this site. It told me what I knew all along that he is a Narcisis.
Thank you Savannah for your great blog. I desperately want off the roller coaster. Even though I am not dating the N, we are still in touch and he would love to be friends with benefits. Last week He told me he loves me, but he cannot give me what I want in a relationship. This week he says he would like to move in with me, maybe bc he is losing his house in foreclosure? I suspect that he is still dating his ex? Girlfriend who is still married. He only works a couple of days a month, is an alcoholic pot smoker, does not bother with his family but has loads of friends, mostly women. He is like a drug! I am financially independent,educated,beautiful woman. I need to go NC. He has nothing to offer but he drags me in and I obsess about him. Help.
I was married to a narcissist for 12 years. I escaped the emotional devastation with adrenal failure, chronic fatigue and depression. The compulsive lying and predictable cycles of emotional abuse was in the end literally “killing me”!….. It has taken me 5 years of therapy and healing modalities to recover. YET, without this website I would never have been able to recognise nor be knowledgable of such a personality existed. Thank you
Cooshla – Same here. WOW. 30yrs with her, married 28. I ended up in the hospital twice with the same issues including debilitating anxiety. The second time she didn’t even come to pick me up. My cousin had to. She doesn’t even remember that I went in a second time. Like you she was “killing me!!!!” I’m glad to hear I’m not alone in this. I’m still living with her in the same house for a few months until we can sell it. Then I’m going NC. She has taken my life and discarded me when I could no longer give her what she wanted, children at home to adore her. They are off to college. The first thing she did was play the “Friend Card”. After 30 years together she said we can divorce as friends so we can keep all of our mutual friends and family. I was almost sucked in. Then I woke up and thought “What the hell have I been smoking?” Since she asked for the divorce I’ve quit drinking, lost 50 Lbs and started seeing my brother again. One day I’ll need to thank her for abandoning me. It’s probably the best thing that could have ever happened. Now I just need to get over the co-dependency and cure the void. This is a great blog and Savannah is definitely headed for heaven when the time comes. Thank You!!!
No need for me to tell my story, you just did. Thank you. Excellent detailed analysis of every aspect of narcissistic behavior and its effects on their victims.
It is 1:11 am and I cannot sleep my narcissistic boyfriends who I live with is asleep. Earlier he got upset with me because I picked up my cell phone to look at my messages and yelled at me took his phone stormed upstairs and called the other woman. I tried to appeal to his human side and while explaining to him how how hurt/Huerta me I hears a voice in my head saying STOP IT HE DOES NOT NOR WILL HE EVER CARE BECAUSE IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM. I read the article and it describes him dead on. I am at the end of my rope and making preparations to leave. After reading this article it put so many things in perspective and I now know it is time for me to take care and concentrate on myself. I am just biding my time and once I live I am never looking back. As of today each day I will grow stronger and better. I feel so empowered and alive!! Thank God for this site.
I’d like to say a huge thank you. I have read soo many books/articles/blogs on this terrible disorder. Interestingly my N is a female but a classic. I’m 8 months on, two suicide attempts and a lifetime of counselling BUT I am still here and as melodramatic as it sounds… A survivor. I was with my N for 4 years, fleeced completely from money, possessions etc. I’m not sure how others feel but I have come to terms with the loss of those things but the one thing I still struggle with is that she took me, my soul. She had an affair and was gas lighted to the extreme to the point where I no longer what to believe, reduced to a historical mess. The constant lies deceit and manipulation beyond what any words could describe. All along I was fighting for her, she was the ONE right? Wrong! I checked her laptop, download some software that shows all pics and messages etc since last sync. There it was in black and white all the pics exchanged the secret meets the graphic evidence was there. The killing blow for me…was it was real for me, I mean the emotions of love etc was real. The realisation that I had been living a lie for 4 years, being made to feel worthless trying everything I could to try and get back how it was became a never ending road to devaluedoom! Out of everything the bit the still hurts is the ridicule, seeing their texts laughing at me, plotting what she was going to do next “it’s ok he’s starting to believe he’s crazy” one quote of a thousand. I spent thousands of pounds, bailing her out of debt. She fled Dubai owing over £60k but she seems untouchable. My life disintegrated and she simply reinvents her self parading herself on Facebook seeking validation on a dalily if not hourly basis. All my possessions kept, furniture, clothes etc as I say written. I left a valuable watch at hers – the very next day it was on ebay!!! The character assasination. The wronged woman act, I was mentally tortured she broadcasts to the world, my name changed to Psycho Sam. And like all of us survivors we are left with nothing but questions Why? Why did we deserve this? How could they? How do they sleep? The one thing that helped me regain an ounce of me is that Ns target people who have qualities that they don’t. I love, I care, I empathise, I’m loyal, I have integrity, I know what happiness is and is not. Take heart my friends as you have something they will NEVER have…inner piece. It’s been 2 months NC and it’s been the best 2 months that I can remember. Don’t be hard on yourself – you have someone doing that for you. Remember your qualities but more importantly remember them for YOU. This is one of the best blogs I have read – well done and thank you again.
Hi all. I was married to a narcissist and didn’t know it at the beginning until after I married him a little at a time his true colors started coming out. I didn’t even get the honeymoon stage most newly weds get during their first year of marriage. It seriously changed from the day after I said I do. After about a month of being with him I felt odd and he made me feel like there was something wrong with me. He took full control of the finances and said it was for the best. He blew money left and right and wiped away all my savings I had that I kept while I was single. I was working full time yet needed to let him know if I spend more than 20 bucks. He was wasteful with our money his and mine. He bought anything his little heart desired. Oh I helped pay for my wedding ring and engagenment ring. He didn’t care that I wanted to wait for marriage before having sex. He told me that he considered us married. ( I know very stupid) please forgive me. After being married I got pregnant and I had a miscarriage. He didn’t seem moved even though I felt torment and deep sadness. I got pregnant again and I was afraid to miscarry again so I did not buy anything for baby until the 12th week I decided to buy a little something really inexpensive but very meaningful to me for the baby and he just flat out said no. Just wait until you get stuff from the baby shower I don’t want to spend money if we don’t have to. It only cost 12 dollars. He spent about 1000 on different pets of course exotic pets they could not be just any pet. Everything he bought had to be extraordinary and not the typical. He liked the attention he got from strangers and friends. He was such a show off and very selfish. Anyway he blamed me for most things And always said my ideas weren’t good. If I made a smaller mistake than him he would make a big deal and I always got the double standard. They chip away at your self esteem ever so gradually you will not even notice or be aware. Even the toughest person will not notice until its too late. Ok fast forward we have two children and and im pregnant with third child .we seem happy together in spite of how he treats me and the children always giving them the bare minimum while splurging on himself. On my birthday I wanted to visit family for a couple of weeks and only into the second week of my mini getaway he calls and says he wants a divorce. I am in shock I go back home or try to and find out he was cheating on me in my and my children’s home we had to wait so that he could move her out because I demanded my children’s home is my children’s home and not hers. I CAN’T FATHOM what just happened. I still can’t and I feel like it is a complete nightmare and I think I want to die. Mostly because I feel like my children deserve better than this. I prayed hard and it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Even more pain than the death of a loved one. He chose her over his family. He also rubbed it in my face and maybe that’s because he never saw me shed one tear over him. Even though I would cry every night when alone. I met guy friends and he would shoot them down as incompetent and he would ask if I was dating and then he would say bad things or downplay their occupation. He also said bad things about me to our neighbors and friends which hurts even more because he was vindictive even though he is the one who did me wrong. He continued this. He broke into my home. Well what I mean is he let himself in the house when I didn’t want to let him in. I had to change the locks on my door because appearantly he was under the impression that he was allowed to come in without knocking or being invited even if he was not welcome. He also stole things from work and always cheated whatever system he could when he could at work. So anyway I gave him the divorce he asked for and I got the divorce I wanted because he cheated on me. I will now know what to look for and how to avoid dating a narcissist. They are cold and lack empathy they are sick individuals and you can’t help them or change them.
I’ve read a lot about narcissism. This article really stands out. It’s just so well-written, succinct, and dead on. Thank you.
How interesting! I happened on this article as I was reading about the harem. I just wrote a very healing missive on my website. It was extremely therapeutic to write, and my ex is having a giant temper fit over it. He doesn’t like being exposed. I had bought these websites when he was unemployed, I was trying to help him. He barely worked on them, then used them linked on his resume as his work. lol. Not smart. Long story short, he was trying to hoover me back in, and I had had it. I put my foot down, told him to come clean and put action behind his apology. I think we all know what happened from there. Classic psychopath (new DSM V term, dimensional psychopathy) behavior. I simply could not understand, with all the great performances he has given, why he couldn’t suck it up for a month (that’s about as long as I can stand him) and just pretend he was sorry? It boggles the mind. The door is still open for that apology, but of course, instead, he is in a blind rage. I live three states away, so I’m safe. Yesterday, he catapulted a spear of “truth” at me, about having sex with some woman on a couch, and for the first time ever, my reaction was, “So?” I cannot begin to tell you how much joy that brought me, to know I simply didn’t care anymore. I just didn’t. I don’t know if the writing helped, or his non apologetic position, coupled with his efforts to re-victimize me and twist it to make it somehow my fault..whatever the case, I wasn’t jealous. He used to accuse me of having a jealousy problem and an anger issue. I would fire back, no I have a being lied to and cheated on problem and issue. lol I hope you’ll go read my “poem”. It just flowed out of me, bit by bit, and I think it perfectly encapsulates part of my experience with my ex psychopath. BTW, I’m more than certain he was using that particular website as bait, to lure women. His head is beyond angry, I left up his Skypes and emails to me, boy he wants those gone BAD. lol…so of course, they are staying. Maybe it will save one woman from his predatory clutches. Can you believe he has the audacity to demand I GIVE him all MY websites now? The sheer insanity of it all can be downright comical. It would be hilarious if my life and health weren’t at stake. I’m investigating a lawsuit or three. When you read, you will understand. It’s called rape by fraud, intentional infliction of emotional distress and assault by deception (I can’t remember the exact term.) I hope you enjoy my website. For the first time in so long, I feel free!!! I was looking for articles to expand the website into a informational, educational, healing forum for victims, hence the article search. Thanks for listening!
Thank you so much for this. You are telling my story to a T. I had to catch him in the act and the fallout has been really hard. I reached out to two of his exes (that he had told me would be mean to me and are crazy) and they were nice and told me that the exact same things happened to them. I have tried to block all communication, but of course he shows up places he knows I will be. I am so hurt and have never felt so much rage toward a person that I just recently loved so deeply. Its very confusing. I think he is a disgusting slut, but I still care about him and miss him so much. I am also so angry that he does not own up to what he did to our mutual friends, and I bet he is telling them I am crazy, etc. I feel so dumb for getting into this situation, and wasting a year of my life.
Again, thanks for this blog. There is a clinical, eerie similarity in our stories. These men need help, but still I hope they eat shit and die.
I feel so so so stupidified. I feel like I will never recover. I feel I have wasted so much time. I feel lonely.
Thank you Savannah for all of your words of wisdom and strength. You inspire me.
It has been NC for over 2 months. Today I just saw one of our mutual friends (a guy) became friends w the “new girl” he is dating on FB. UGH, It made me sick. Why?
I actually did the same thing. I befriended his friend hoping I can get closer to him bc he was always unavailable,secretive, non committal etc. I believe this new girl is trying to do the same thing. She lives over 10,000 miles away from his friend. WHY DOES THIS BOTHER ME?
In my case it was not someone new, it was who he had before we met…the other women he continued relations with. There were 3 in particular, but I found 342 emails of other women in various images of sex. My most recent experience with him was finding Zoosk messages and matches…which he denies signing up for. I am still stuck in this relationship and have lost myself. All that is within me is screaming for help and all I hear is…~crickets~…I feel so alone.
Almost two years of a Narc who I was in the 3rd and 4th Grade with. I liked him as a kid but as life does kids move away. Good old Facebook made it possible for this piece of you know what to find me. I thought it was like a dream come true my childhood crush is really interested in a me! And he is still cute. While I fell hard. He said he like me just as I was ruff edges and all. We were perfect together so I thought. I lived in another state and he said he was miserable without me so me not wanting the love of my life to need for anything I would fly out to be with him. My first visit was OK. The second visit a month later when I was making plans to relocate to his state which was his idea. That trip got weird. He acted like I was a strange or something. He acted like he didn’t want to touch me. Gave in to sex like was a chore. This was at holiday time and before I came over the phone we talked about the romantic things we would do when I got there. None of that hap-en. This evil bastard actually accepted more work assignment and left me locked in his apt for 2 weeks. Dropped me off at the airport like some unwanted package. I get home he breaks with me over the phone.
I was completely confused, drove myself crazy trying to figure out what I did. I begging and pleaded with him and he just stop answering my calls and texts. For months I was destroyed. I still loved him. I didn’t date anyone I just drowned myself in work. I made up my mind i was getting my life back. I was going to go back to his state but in another city and take the vacation I had stolen from me. In October of the next year guess who calls and week before I leave. I told I would be in the state but the resort part. He wanted to have dinner and talk I said I would think about it. But the day of me arriving a hurricane hit the area and the place I was staying was on the beach and flooding and very dangerous. So I had no choice but to go inland. Of course he volunteers to help and allow me to stay at his place. When I get to his apartment and see it no longer looks like a bachelors home but a touch of a woman in it. Peach candles etc. Now this is the same dude who did want a plugin in his apt. Peach candles yeah a bitch was here a not just here visiting living there. He tells me put my baggage in the closet. Its completely empty. Which was the last time I was there was full of his things. Stupidity he says he trying to fix up the place. I we talk and he comes clean about a woman living with him. I asked when this happen he lied at first but I’m crafty with questions and got out of him 2 weeks after I left at Christmas. I was destroyed but didn’t show it. He wanted to have sex with me. I wanted to turn the tables on him do it and become distance. I went to dinner alone Looking hot. Got really busy with site seeing. Acted like he didn’t exist. It worked he was walking around sad like a child. I left him like Hooker gets left. Over the phone cursed him out for treating me that way. We never spoke again. Fast forward to this year I missed him. He called me out of nowhere saying he was 3 hours from my state and wanted to see me to talk. He came by I told I’m not sleeping with you. He said OK. We talk he put on a academy award winning performance tears and all. I brought it hook line and sinker. He came clean about the women he had been seeing behind my back BEGGED for me forgive him. I forgive him thought we were on the road to a better relationship. WRONG. We slept together he cried and everything. It comes time to go he acts like he can’t let me go. Most painful goodbye ever. A joke. He gets home he doesn’t answer my calls. Late answering my texts. I knew something is up. Make long story short I started having some female problems go to doctor find out he has given me a STD. I confronted him he denies he hasn’t been with anyone. I dig in him again I finally get the truth he slept with some random woman drunk. Now at this time I didn’t know he has gotten a new victim. So now since he bags her it’s disgard time For me. He gets on Facebook professing his big love for this new woman and how he has changed for being a womanizer. She fails for this BS hook line and sinker. He gets bold with me a spills the beans on how many women he was seeing while with me 6 women!!!! I was destroyed and sick. The STD was the killer for me. I was done. I blocked him on everything. I contacted her and told her to careful. She told me they start talking serious about a relationship together the day he came home from seeing me. She gone on him already. But she can the him. I know what he is I’m free her ride from hell is just beginning. I’m not mad I’m blessed he is gone!
Thank you for settling my heart & for helping me realize that the only thing that I ever did wrong, was to supply him with what he needed, & I would try harder & harder to please him, but he got nastier & nastier, & I felt revolting thinking things were my fault…
Wow! I too am the victim of a N! He tells me I’m crazy and that when I get angry it’s a sign of domestic violence. How did I end up here?
I’ve always suspected him of cheating but he always has an excuse & I end up believing him & giving in. I have changed my mobile number 3 times and when he can’t contact me that way I receive hundreds of emails saying he loves me, wants to marry me etc. Then I feel sorry for him and let him back (after hearing him sob uncontrollably). It’s great for about a week then back to me doing everything wrong &walking on egg shells.
He uses sex against me. He is cold, distant and at times cruel. He has also tried to commit suicide. He is an alcoholic and a drug user. Waited until I moved in, sold my car, furniture and gave away my dog before telling me he had a 20 year drug habit and couldn’t have sex without it. Told me he was giving it up & then proceeded to hide his addiction.
I live in a small town and so if I try to leave it means moving somewhere else and starting again. It’s inevitable. He’s jealous and when we argue throws things in my face like ex partners. I could go on and on.
Now I read anything I can in narcissism. I would live to read a blog on ‘how to piss off a narcissist’.
I am going back to shift work soon & cutting off my hair! That’s a good start lol.
I never validate his vanity and I’ve encouraged him to find someone else but he’s like a bull terrier hanging grabbing on to my leg & refusing to let go!!
Very good article….i can relate to every word of this….thanks fr sharing.
I can relate to this so much. My N was abusive – choking, spitting and hitting me. He left because I got mad at him for not being home for dinner with HIS family. He came back on July 22 and for two weeks he was lovey=dovey…he met someone on August 2nd and then I was “demanding” and he had to deal with the same s*** as before – even though I wasn’t. I KNEW when I talked to him that he was talking to another woman. I have been discarded and am waiting for him to call again – because of all your comments and the strength, and the experiences that I have read on this blog – I WON’T ANSWER when he calls again. He didn’t tell me because he wanted to keep me on a string…it’s not going to work! Thank you for being such a support system for me.
I can relate to this. Except mine has convinced himself that I am him and he is ME. He’s been remarried now to the bar hoare he was cheating on me with and she is just like him. We’ve been in a 4 year ongoing custody fight that never seems to end as his emotional bullcrap never seems to end eithet
Thank you!I am wondering though, is it possible they are a narcisist, even if there is jealousy, but not necessarily involving another woman? Such as, “friends”, trips, hobbies? I do not think there is another woman, there has been, but was always obvious, usually it is just other interests that present problmes, all other behaviors point to a narcisst, just not the lying/cheating part of it.
Discarded… There wasn’t another women the last two times for me. It’s about small verbal put down attacks (you don’t notice most of them). Making themselves available for everyone but you. I think if you read the 3 Phases article you will know. It was like reading my life through someone else’s words. It shocked me awake which I’m greatful for.
@ Discarded- Yes, my situation with my N involved both him displaying unfaithfulness (appearing on an internet dating site while still dating me) and very subtle put-downs and passive-aggressive comments indicating jealousy. He would project his own “cheater mentality” on to me, and would make snide remarks about how I performed with my hobbies. Definitely read the other blog posts. Lightbulbs flashed in my head as I did. This site is great!
I am in a relationship with a man that has every characteristic. If I make him angry or do something to do him wrong, I get the silent treatment, like I dont exist. We went three weeks without seeing eachother but I still got the text of what a horrible person I am and every name in the book, who I am screwing and I did this not him. And then I did the unthinkable and went back for 8 days to be used for one thing and now he isnt talking to me again. I am in therapy, but I have just started. I just cannot wrap my head around how someone can act but now show any emotion. It’s sick!!!
This blog is another correct step of being in love with a narsisst and how to arm yourself to walk away. Nellie who wrote the comment above sounds like me 2 years ago when I started this rollercoaster ride. You go through intense highs of ‘never again, good luck to ‘her’ etc. Please don’t let your guard down, I did, 5 times. The last I had finally moved on, met a beautiful caring man who was happy to do ‘things’ for me, make me a snack, help with my daughter and be nice to her, wanted to sit and chat about ‘me’. Mr N decided it was a great time to try and get me back, suicide threats, tears, counselloring, flowers on my doorstep, pictures made up of us as a family or together and left at my home. Emails, text messages, websites created as a business venture together with pics of my daughter and I on it, an engagement ring given to me in tears while he knew I was seeing someone and was happy.
I could go on for ages with more that he did to win me back, and yes he did achieve it. So here I am awake at 1am going through the roller coaster of leaving him ‘again’ as I couldn’t keep being destroyed once again when I let my guard down!
I only found this blog site on Friday and shared it with my family and friends so they understand why I found it so hard to close the door. I’m sporty, attractive, early 40’s, good job, cute funny daughter. The N has no boundaries, shut the door and NEVER NEVER let them back in!
When I opened my email this morning..BAM..there was this blog with THIS topic. I just spent the last week going thru every single thing you talk about here. EVERY SINGLE THING. Friday was my lowest day. My family and friend’s were genuinely worried that they were going to lose me over the deep end. All I could do was cry and obsess over the idiot. I cyber stalked him..I cyber stalked “her”…I had my cell phone glued to my hand, checking it every second. Then Friday night the texts started coming in…over 300 of them as of this morning. Most of them telling me how horrible I am and accusing me of doing horrid things and calling me unthinkable names. But every once in a while, sneaking in an “I love you so much”. Sat. morning a switch went off in my head and my heart. I am done. I woke up to 8 more hateful texts this morning, and I feel NOTHING, and refuse to engage. Sure wish I had seen this last week, perhaps It would have slapped some sense back into me. But thank you for sharing this today, I feel validated and now know I am not alone. Good luck to “Liz” his next victim…she is gonna need it.
I feel the exact same way!
Narcs suck out all of our energy & take us to very low places. My now XN is guilty of the same name calling then hollow apology routine I don’t know how many times. And this past time that it happened, was the last. It’s only been a couple of days, but I stopped engaging as well. I blocked his messages, blocked email, etc.
I don’t hate myself when he’s not around. I don’t want to end my life when I keep him away from me. My situation is difficult bc I’m pregnant but I refuse to let him torment me & ever hurt this innocent child. Not only is he narcissistic, but he has a severe mental illness & is an addict. But all of those really go together anyway. They’re sick people & we have to stay away for our own sanity!
There are a few pages on Facebook that offer great support & information!
“After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love” and “Narc-ology” are my favorites. Look them up, they help me & it helps to see we’re not alone. Especially when the narcs have the balls to tell US that WE’RE the crazy ones!