A warrior is someone who understands the significance of battle. They know what it takes to win. They understand the work, the struggle and the grind. A warrior is someone who has experienced significant loss, pain and hardship, yet manages not to become crushed, embittered or defeated by it. They remain defiant and indestructible in the face of impossible odds. But more importantly, they know that the biggest battle, is the one they fight inside of themselves. When every part of their body is telling them to stop, turn back and give in – they soldier on.
To get through a break-up with a Narcissist, one must become a warrior. To conquer Codependency, one must become a warrior. But when you’re at the cross-roads, you have to choose the course of your life. You can ignore the obvious and stay where you are. You can keep going back, keep doing the same thing, dating the same people and getting the same results, you can say this is too hard and feel sorry for yourself, be a victim, give up and give in, or you can choose a different life, a different path, a different you. Nobody can make this choice for you. It’s yours and yours alone, but know that if you choose to act, rather than adapt, that it’s going to be the biggest battle of your life.
When you come to understand Codependency, you realize, very quickly, that your mind has become conditioned to be your enemy. Your perception of you, your significance and how you fit into the world, has become completely skewed and that perception will dog every piece of data that comes into your consciousness. When your own mind tries to sabotage you, you’ve got to find a way to circumnavigate the fog.
Codependent Mind Tricks
When it comes to self-perception a codependent’s analysis of self is full of misconception, insecurity, doubt, shame, feelings of unworthiness, being flawed and not good enough. These perceptions are not accurate, they’ve just been fed to those afflicted and regurgitated over and over, for a very long time. To combat these perceptions, we have to have an understanding that the tool we use for thinking (our brain) is not working properly, so we have to find a way to separate the deep seeded belief from reality. We do that by understanding that the voice inside of us, that tells us that everything is our fault, that we’re not good enough, that makes us feel bad, that tries to keep us stuck, that tries to justify actions we know are harmful to us, that sabotages our efforts, is not our voice. We are independent observers of that voice. That voice is the critical parent voice – it’s our childhood tape playing over and over again. To get past our codependency we must realize that we are not that voice and that we have the power to change the message that voice gives us by consistently challenging it. We must be mindful of it every time we have a disturbing, self-deprecating, self-sabotaging thought. When we know what it is, what it’s agenda is, we take away its power and its impact on our thoughts and emotions diminishes. Tell that voice to f-off, don’t listen to it. Instead, give it something positive to think about. This is the battle.
When you choose not to battle your thoughts and let them run amok in your brain, they fuel your emotions. The worse your feel, the worse your thoughts get. The worse your thoughts get the worse you feel. They feed each other. Conquering the critical parent voice is about learning how to control your thoughts and your emotions. It’s an on- going battle. From my experience, it doesn’t ever fully go away, but it lessens significantly and it pops up only once and a while. The difference is that when you become a warrior, you’ve learned to manage it, by knowing that it is not you and by challenging it every time it rears its ugly head.
The grind is about knowing that there is no quick fix to this problem. It’s a process. You can’t pay someone to take it away, self-medicating doesn’t work, drugs don’t work, distracting yourself doesn’t work, dating someone else doesn’t make it go away. Only the practice of constantly challenging the way you perceive yourself, your reality, controlling your emotions, using logic, developing self-discipline, learning how to pass back and not absorb the energy of others, learning not to react and retraining your mind, allows you to conquer your Codependency.
The grind is hard. This mental work isn’t for the faint of heart. This type of mental work is like going to the gym for your mind. You have to keep building that mental muscle. Sometimes you’re going to want to give in to that craving to self-sabotage. You’ll be searching for a way to justify it. It will seem overwhelming. You may even become obsessed by it – that’s when you have to stick with the game plan. Anyone can challenge their mind when it’s easy and they’re feeling ok. It’s the warrior that learns to do it when it matters and when the odds seem insurmountable. Warriors understand that it takes self-discipline to stay the course. When you’re in the zone, you become almost militant about the kinds of thoughts and emotions you let into your mind – that’s what the grind is about.
The “I’ll Show You” Chip
As you navigate through the grind you will need to be persistently finding inspiration and motivation. The greatest motivation I have ever seen or experienced is the, I’ll show you,” chip on your shoulder. It’s the angst you take from being mistreated and under-estimated, it’s the pent-up frustration at being rejected and told you weren’t good enough. The warrior takes these feelings and uses them to fuel their actions. It gives them wings and you will find that they will push you farther than any other type of motivating force.
While you have these feelings – use them – don’t waste them, because I promise you, they do not last and you will be forced to find new reasons and new motivations. The warrior takes what’s available and uses it to their advantage.
If conquering Codependency was easy, everyone would do it. It takes insight, persistence, inner strength and determination. It’s the toughest battle you will ever face – the one with yourself. It’s the type of challenge that would make most people give up and give-in. It’s about letting go of the victim mentality and taking control of your life. The one thing I know for sure is that you will never be the same person you were before you walked into the Narcissistic storm, but if you’re very, very lucky, you will find that part of you that is indestructible. You will become the epitome of discipline and you’ll have awakened a part of you that you didn’t even know existed. You will learn how to battle, how to tackle the grind, how to use your motivation to fuel you and you will learn how to achieve victory, despite overwhelming odds – you will become the Warrior.