Back in our parent’s day, men chased women. Women had the goods, men wanted the goods, so they pursued. That’s just the way it was. Times are very different now, the need to pursue is simply, just, antiquated thinking. “The goods” are a lot more easily acquired and with the simplicity of finding a mate online, you can pick and choose which relationships you want to put your energy into.
A male friend of mine, who is in his mid-30’s, had been chatting with a woman online and they were making plans to meet for the first time. He lived right downtown and she lived in the west end. When he proposed that they meet somewhere in the middle, she quickly replied that if coming to her end was going to be a problem, then they might as well not bother. He responded with, “Ok,” and never contacted her again.
He explained that he’s not interested in a princess, who expects to have everything done for her. He wants someone who’s autonomous and pulls their own weight. As we move closer to equality, this is the new normal and definitely a more progressive way of thinking.
Chasing the Narcissist
Chasing, while in a relationship, is something that needs to become a thing of the past as well. In dysfunctional relationships you often see one partner blowing hot and cold and the other writhing in agony, begging for their return. There needs to be a mental shift, where if someone walks away from you, you not only show them the door, you close it, lock it and throw away the key.
You know you are part of a dysfunctional relationship when the ending of it completely destroys you. That’s not to say ending a relationship shouldn’t hurt, that you shouldn’t feel a vast array of emotions, but it shouldn’t have you abandoning yourself, contemplating suicide, and acting out in ways that are harmful to your well-being.
When you chase after someone that has tossed you aside, it’s not empowering and you, along with the other party are not treating you as a person of value. If someone doesn’t value you and behaves in that manner, you should simply not engage with them – period. It makes absolutely no sense to stick around and try to change someone’s mind about you. If they devalued you once, they’ll do it again. Those who know their worth, simply walk away from people that mistreat them.
The same holds true when you take someone back after they’ve hurt and abandoned you. Some people may not be physically chasing, but if you’re just so damn grateful that they’ve come back, that you leave the door wide open, no questions asked, you’re in the same boat. You can’t control whether or not someone leaves you the first time, but if you give them another opportunity, then you’re making a conscious choice and it’s on you.
If you have to convince someone you’re worth it, it’s already over. When someone has shown you that they don’t care about your suffering, that has to be the line – you can’t go back – you cannot keep forgiving that kind of behavior. Once someone has broken your trust, it’s gone and it will never be the same.
Consider also, the effectiveness of the action of begging someone to return to you. If you’re involved with a Narcissist or a Psychopath, you’re appealing to someone who’s ability to feel empathy is either non-existent or severely impaired. You’re looking at them woefully with tears in your eyes, begging them to take away your pain, but they cannot compute what you’re trying to tell them, or what you’re going through. It’s either in their best interest to stay, or it’s not, nothing else is going to matter, not your feelings, not the morality of it – nothing but their whim at that moment.
When an emotional manipulator does decide to leave a relationship, they usually already have someone else lined up. They need people to feed off of and your supply, that they’ve grown a tolerance to, cannot compete with what’s shiny, new and untried. Don’t appeal to your history together, your children, the good times, their sense of decency, nostalgia or anything else that might work on someone with a fully functioning empathy chip. Nothing is more appealing than fresh meat and those new feelings of budding love. You will lose every time. True, they might run off and realize that the supply you were dishing out was better and they may make a return visit. It’s here that your door must remain closed to them. If they’ve done it once, they’ll do it again, with the full belief that you will always be there, willing to take them back if it doesn’t work out.
A Narcissist knows on a cognitive level that what they’ve done to you is shitty and that you should want nothing to do with them. When you act like it’s no biggie, it gives them license to continue and tells them that you do not value yourself. That knowledge is incredibly damaging in the wrong hands. Narcissist or not, a person that does not love or respect themselves is just not appealing ever, on any level.
For an emotional manipulator your pain is fuel for the monster inside of them that always needs to feed. Your anguish for their ego. It’s not a fair trade and one you should never be willing to make.
When someone walks away from you, one time, let that be all the answer you need. Never beg, never chase – just let them go. Never put more emphasis or importance on a relationship than you do you and your life. Don’t allow a relationship to destroy you. You and all of your parts are so much bigger and more important than a union with someone who is only interested in their own well-being.
If someone does not see your value, don’t try to show them, don’t jump through hoops, don’t try to buy their loyalty or their love with gifts. If it’s not given freely and consistently, it was never yours and it doesn’t exist.
Your Comments!!!!!!
Image courtesy of Ambro at freedigitalphotos.net
An emotional manipulator has started breaking their victim down well before they walk away. It is so important to recognize signs early. I think the best way to do this is to have very firm non-negotiable boundaries. The boundary should include preserving your own personal life without your partner time with your own friends, and how you’re going to allow yourself to be treated. Silent treatment, rude comments, randomly sabotaging things that you care about, and anything else that just doesn’t feel right are signs that this person is pushing your boundaries. If you allow this long enough you will lose yourself and you will be lost and devastated when this person walks away for the fresh meat.
I really like your analysis regarding the need to end the ‘chase’ paradigm. I just recently got out of a relationship with a narcissist, which I discovered after trying to find answers about what happened, since it was so bizarre, on the internet. I’m a male and it didn’t take the classic course as I was decidedly not swept off my feet and resisted the initial barrage. In part because I was not ready for a relationship with anyone, but very much so because I did not find her attractive and her ‘love bombs’ made me in fact uncomfortable (I didn’t buy it was about me for a second). Eventually she wore me down, won’t bother with details here I did in anothre thread here BUT; her point, as a woman pursuing me was basically “I like you, court me”. I kept saying ‘no, court ME’ She’d reply ‘women don’t court men’ and I replied ‘by court I mean since you are interested in me give me a REASON to want to be with you. Find out what I like, who I am, be someone that matters to me so I can show you you matter to me. But don’t just tell me “I am woman court me’.
I was extremely giving to her, helped her get a massive raise that changed her life, and even as we slowly entered into a physical relationship it was mostly me giving (pleasure). Yet I kept hearing how her mother/sister/grandma etc said I should now be courting her and buying her things and chasing her and courting her. Why? Beause I’d started to come around but mainly because, I am guessing, I now had access to… sex. I asked why, if sex is mainly about your orgasms and pleasure, it is up to me to still ‘chase’ you and ‘court’ you. Why can’t we just enjoy each other and, again, instead of pressuring me to ‘chase’ and ‘court’ why not worry about making me happy which will in turn make me want to make you happy. This sort of fell in deaf ears but I’d say it is not limited to just narcissists.
Chasing is indeed a bad dynamic, paying for the pleasure of someone else’s company or love or affection or time or sex is a simply horrible dynamic. In the case of narcissists it is even worse.
You seem to epitomize the adage that if a man doesn’t chase you, he doesn’t want you. Whether you like the chase analogy or not, in truth your lack of pursuit of this woman, on ANY level at ANY time, did in fact reflect your lack of real interest in her. Pursuit (by either party, ideally both) shows interest and desire. By your own description, you did not do your share of courting in that relationship. Your behavior sounds just as transactional as you claim hers was.
Men are ancestorally driven to hunt, and if they aren’t chasing someone or something, they don’t really want it. As you have amply demonstrated with your own story.
Why would you want to hurt someone? No matter how bad things are I will not hurt back. You have helped in so many ways, did you relapse. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Savannah, you described my ex-husband and how our marriage and its end played out to a T! Are you sure you weren’t a fly on the wall of our house?? I did try to chase him while our marriage was dissolving, but I realized over time that if I had to work so hard to convince him I/we were worth it, he really didn’t want to be there – and I deserved better than him.
Because we have kids, I have to have some contact with him…but he’s told his mother how unfair he thinks it is that I treat him so coolly and like a business associate instead of wanting to join him and his new wife and our kids for holidays and birthdays. (She told him he’s expecting way too much from me given everything he did and should be grateful for the civility I show him when we are in each other’s presence at the kids’ activities/events, which I think is awesome!)
If we didn’t have kids, I can honestly say I would never speak to him or seek him out in any way, even after 10 years of marriage and five years of dating before that. I do so much better mentally and emotionally when I have no contact with him at all. To this day, he tries to stir the pot from time to time through melodramatic emails and texts while using the kids as the reason for the contact. I know it goads him if I don’t respond at all, or if I do, it’s short, to the point and very businesslike and unemotional. (I’ve come to learn that “no” and “yes” are complete sentences.)
It can be really hard to convince yourself that you are worth more after being so devalued and brainwashed by a narcissist or psychopath. You’ve over-invested yourself and have nothing left in your emotional bucket. You’re now convinced that you are unworthy. But I would say to anyone in this kind of situation, that you ARE worthy. You DO deserve better, and there is no shame in not continuing to fight for someone who treats you so so poorly. While the chase may have an element of thrill to it, it’s highly overrated in the big scheme of things.
Such a true post, thank you. Shut the door, lock it and throw the key away! I have been dithering about meeting up with an old friend but this article has made up my mind for me. There is no point in meeting up with her, she hasn’t changed and it will just be more of the same old…and I won ‘t feel good after our meetings and perhaps for a long time after them. That’s not the way to move forward and as you say, choose your friends and make sure your surrounded with positivity!
Thank you I needed to read this today, not because I chase but I’m letting the sadness of it all destroy my happiness for today. Enough, its over I must focus on the great things in life. Thank you sister.
Beautiful post, as always. I feel angry that I have chased men who were probably narcissists just a few years ago. The last one I dated had narcissistic traits and was attractive but I broke the attraction by breaking up before I ended up getting hurt.
Savannah.. you made my heart sing tonight… thank you again!
I met my Narc online one year ago – first time I have tried this dating method.
He seemed like an ideal match… we had 4 hour phone conversations most nights,,, even had a few common friends and experiences! He love-bombed me right from the start, He planned lots of weekends driving 5 hours over mountain ranges to spend time with me, insisted that I was never far from his side. Even took me to meet Mama! He was born in France, spoke French, went to the Sorbonne, had a little flat in Paris and a villa in the south of France, a property developer who is now a budding en plein air landscape artist, volunteer ski-patrol member, former ski racer, into fitness and healthy living… what could possibly go wrong with that? He told me his marriage ended years ago and that he was out of the woods with that relationship… albeit 3 daughters still needing financial ‘princess; support. He told me that he was free and ready to find love again.
At 56.. I thought there was nothing to lose by saying yes… so I moved to his house after dating for 5 months. Whoops! The facade cracked and the charade unfurled within a month.
Somehow it was all my fault… in his eyes.
He is needy, greedy and lazy and still attached to Mama’s teat… emotionally and financially. The family trustees have tired of him, all of his family are disowning him,over previous financial misdemeanors. He only encouraged me to move in so I could pay half (or more) or the household bills whilst he sits on the couch and watches right-wing news and sports… or Facebook… or Tinder… or whatever goes ping incessantly throughout the day and night on his bloody phone. We haven’t slept together for 7 months, and I have not found any reason to change my mind on this, He is blocked from my Facebook feed as he was stalking me and questioning me over everything… even my work patterns and encounters. He lied about everything, who he was and who he might be… it was all a fantasy in his head.. and I dare not speak the truth. This super-fit sporting specimen turned out to be about 30kg overweight with lots of toys in the garage… but never used them.
Tomorrow I sign a lease in my name only, for a beautiful house for myself and my dog… and I am feeling liberated and empowered. I haven’t told him I am going, and I will just disappear in a small rural town. He will no doubt see me in the supermarket, at the post office or driving past in my high-profile work vehicle. I will find a way to smile right through his lying, false face and not say a word.
He is just someone that I used to know… I am taking charge of my future, my life and my passion… he is not worthy of what I have to offer. I would walk alone… than to make my journey with a fool.
My husband was the one with the long silences. I would ask him what was wrong. He would say ‘nothing’. I was very young and confused. As I loved him. Why wasnt he happy with me.xx
/
Thank you for this. This has been my life in a nutshell. From 16 to 65. My first or second , my mother had narc tendencies and my hex husband whom I met at 15. married at 19 at spent my time wondering what was wrong with me with both people. Fast forward to 65. I met someone who was my neighbour at around 59. Thought I had at last met the man for me finally. No he was an abusive narc, psycho or whatever you call him but he got a kick out of my pain. I have gone N/C since before Christmas and when I think of foning him out of loneliness cause I can at least talk about the weather with him then he insidiously slips something in which he thinks and knows or hopes will hurt me. I have actually seen him looking at my face after he has said something derogatory.
BUT and its a big but, your item above has put it all in a nutshell and I have to move on. He has contributed towards my low self esteem and depression as he met me at a very very difficult time in my life ie losing my grandchildren to social services who had idiots for workers and Im sure a lot of the were narcs. There were some good decent ones. This and then him led me into an emotional breakdown. I felt suicidal. But Im fine and glad Im still here for my grandchildren who are older now and freely visit me. The older one didnt let me go. He stayed in contact. But Social workers were able to bully his younger sister who had a bad start in life with her addicted mother who did love her. Then at 5 when she went to school at least two bully teachers and one was a head teacher. My life was spent trying to fight these people with a no win and making myself ill. Today my appointment has come up for counselling. Sometimes I cannot bear the thought of going and telling someone all of this and I turn away. But to day I am going.
BUT thank you so much for the article above. You are an angel sent to help people like me.
Many blessings to you.xxx
Jane, I read your post and cried. I am 63 and have had a similarly difficult ride, from my first relationship with a mother who blamed me, from a young age for her depression, and then because she was ill I was expected to take care of my little sister. By the time I went to senior school I failed as I was too tired with all the caring. I got trained to believe I was to blame and despite trying to ‘better’ myself I seem to have moved from bad, to worse, to even worse and now at 63 I’m trying to leave (and not chase) a man who has treated me with little respect for years (again I blame myself), but in my defence when you have not received respect and only saw yourself through your usefulness to others it is hard to believe you are worthy and to develop self respect to walk away. My biggest fear is that this confirms my biggest fear from childhood that I am faulty and somehow not worth loving. To think of detaching myself from this malignant type of love feels so scary, I feel I might die without it, because it’s the only love I have ever known and I’m scared of what is on the other side. I doubt I will ever trust again.
Perfect Savannah. Just what I needed to hear.
My Narc messaged me out of the blue on Saturday and I fell hook line and sinker.
She said “I know I shouldn’t be messaging you, but needed to know if you were okay.” Then went onto say how she didn’t think we would not be together and it’s been 2 years this year. I fell and started to believe her, telling me I was always so beautiful and smelt good and was sexy and fantastic. The said……wait for it lol “Don’t text me until I text you back tomorrow” It’s now Tuesday and that was Saturday.
I wish I could close the door, but I still miss her and feel so much love for her.
Again so glad I hopped back on here today and read you’re blog xxx
Karen, you very much CAN close the door, but you choose not to. You continue to give her that power. She tells you what you want to hear, and you fall for it every time.
I’m not sure I understand what Savannah’s articles do for you, or if you absorb any of her advice when you continue to allow your emotions to take over.
You loved an illusion. The person you thought you loved never existed. She contacted you because she was low on fuel, she got it from you, and now she is off again.
I said it before. Unless you put an end to it, this WILL continue for years and years and you will never move on and find someone more worthy of you.
“I wish I could close the door, but I still miss her and feel so much love for her.”
This is simply excuse making. YOU have the control. But you choose to hand it over to her. It’s sad because I wish you the best, but each time you let her in, it weakens you.
No wonder she thinks she can get away with it. Because you have shown over and over that she can.
I love your articles, they are very informative and helpful. I would like to comment in regards to this paragraph. “He explained that he’s not interested in a princess, who expects to have everything done for her. He wants someone who’s autonomous and pulls their own weight. As we move closer to equality, this is the new normal and definitely a more progressive way of thinking.” This paragraph implies that there was princesses in the past & that women did not pull their own weight.
I am 54, I have only met one “princess” in my lifetime & she is 30. I have however, met an army of princes of all ages throughout my life. I am a housewife and mother of 5. I know many women that are housewives & many women who work. They are all exhausted. It’s time for men to pull their weight. I know many men do. I taught my 4 sons how to cook & do laundry. Many men & women today have no clue on how to run a house, nurture and care for their own children. They rely on others to clean their home & raise their children. Society wonders why the younger generation us all about self. It’s because they learned it from their parents. I do not mean for this to be a blanket statement. I know there are many exceptions to this. This is my personal view point based on what I have encountered in my life so far.
I find that post incredibly helpful for where im at right now. Its been a very slow road since i was dumped for someone younger and shinier 5 years ago and ive gone thru so many stages back an forward but i finally feel im getting somewhere and am clearer and stronger. I discovered all the stuff on NPD when i was devastated after the break up an trying to find on line help to cope. I could not believe what i was reading as it described my relationship and all that happened next to a T……….. Ive realised i had to go thru so much more to learn about my own seld development. Initially i read so many books and articles which were helpful but i stayed looking at his character too long and s we layed my recovery. 5 years its taken to get to now. No way am i there and over it but i keep thinkin more and more of myself and how i feel. This guides me an i realise at 58 years old how increfibly shory an precious life is. Ive stopped looking for love and understanding and closure from someone who can never give me it. I still get pangs but i dont act on them any more. I cant quite believe it. I thpught id never get away from the terrible hold he had on me but ive found out it really is possible. Love an hugs to all. We get there in the end and in our own time!
Jacqueline, I’m eight months out of a three year relationship that had started to go wrong. I wasn’t long divorced when we first met and not ready for a new relationship, but he love bombed me. I had no idea about love bombing then, I’d never heard of it. He seemed a very sweet and loving but very insecure guy. Never been married at 47. We had a three year relationship where we had the best times, but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t red flags. I always put them down to insecurity and sulking. It was infuriating . It seemed that he was more into me than him, but he was so kind. Couldn’t do enough for me. I started to think I could spend my life with him, and after 18 months of me telling him that he couldn’t love me as much as he said as it was from the early, I started to feel he was good for me. When life threw a few bad times at us, things started to unravel. He had the worst abandonment issues, I would feel such pity for him on times, he was like a little boy. The times when he thought he was losing me or I was leaving were the worst.. He would say such cruel things. Cruel cruel things coming from the person who swore he loved me. I finally could take it no more, the damage and hurt had gone deep. I sometimes felt he demanded so much of my time. It often felt like I was his mother. I left. But it wasn’t until I left that I felt the damage that had been done. I thought I was the most awful person, cold , selfish, unloving, a bad mother, he accused me of being dead inside, said I would die alone, which was sad but I deserved it, said I thrived on drama, told me I was emotionally retarded, and plenty more. He would always be sorry, and because I’m strong and independent we would argue as I resented being manipulated. He begged us to get back together and inundated me with texts and emails and calls ranging from apologetic and loving, to cruel beyond measure. I’m ‘ still not over it, but was getting stronger. This week I’m upset and confused , and feel like I want him back. We have not communicated since the end of November after he had persuaded me to start texting again. He disappeared for a week, and then text me to tell me I was uncaring. I lost the plot and called him up on his behaviour. And he told me to F off, and blocked me! its crazy making but its like an addiction. All I can remember is the sweet guy he was in the beginning. I just want all this to go away.
Savannah….I’m Narc free for 2 Years but, I look forward to your blogs all the time. Helps keep me loving myself and, reminds me of what’s more important than a disfunctional relationship. Thank you girl♂️ Currently Single, Free, enjoying my time with myself, my family, my friends…feeling more & more complete everyday.
20 years and 5 beautiful kids with athe last year & a half of trying to initiate a conversation to resolve our issues all I get is an emotional charged, ‘ I want out!.’ In that instant it sunk feel- a year & a half of being ignored, humiliated & mistreated. I saw the pattern that was our relationship.& in that moment, like 6 times before, i saw him playing out the victim & realised that the love I bore this man was not reciprocated & the next slash – it never had been. So, after a pause that lasted an eternity , I respond forlornly, ‘what do we do now?’ And the next slash/response is an edit plan for the.next 3 months which covers everything, told with rising glee as if a win-win. So self oriented! It did turn into a win-win. There were some ugly moments…..several times when he would say something with the intention of making me flip out in front of the kids. I didnt call for that. Its pretty sick to realise that you are savvy to their games. I asked him to vacate before the close of the month. The next wave was hearing thru mutual friends his desire “to get back in the saddle.’ It came as no surprise who his next partner was.
As, i reflect in this fifth year i am grateful for where i am at & better for it. The scar tissue is deep & there are moments of rawness. Sometimes a jab at the mention of his name that people mistake for still caring. It is a jab of residue cruelty. I didnt deserve to be treated that way. You were my bestest friend. Obviously i wasnt your.
Time heals but it heals better with Savannah’s posts.
It’s so darn hard to fully acknowledge and believe that I haven’t been loved for the long 20 years. It’s so darn hard to recognize that I was only a source of supply. It’s so hard to admit that I am not fresh meat anymore. But deep inside I know it’s truth and nothing but the truth.
Thank you for reminding me that this is what it is and life goes on. Furthermore, life goes on better without a narc in it if we give it time and if we are open to see the positives.
Thank you for sharing. I too was in a long narcacistic relationship for 25 years & 5 children. Your courage in your words give me hope. Savannah’s words pop -up when I need them most. Thanks everyone.
Hi Jolanta. I can ID with all that you and Savannah say here. I only found this site today and have already had about 6 lightbulb moments and have taken notes for me to keep re-reading to remind myself of this crazy situation is toxic.
I have been with my Narc 27 years and we are set to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in 2 months and my 55th birthday – holiday trips all booked and paid for to go with both. He’s been acting strangely for the last 6-8 months and I found out recently he is having an affair with a girl at work. Or was up until a few days ago when ‘he binned it’ His words not mine. Our couples counsellor (yes, I thought it would be worth having a shot at saving our marriage and 2 kids) was shocked at how detached he was and reaffirmed my belief that he has a personality disorder. I believe the Narc behaviour has been growing over the years and often I was busy with the kids and felt this was part and parcel of family life ups and downs. I am now realising that my last 27 years could have been so very different; affectionate, loving, sharing and greater friendship.
Over the last couple of years when my husband has been mean spirited I have stated to his face ‘you are not a friend to me’. How stupid I feel now in the cold light of day to have not realised sooner. However, my life will become so much more enriched by me having moved out of his house with my children and dogs, as he refused stating he had done nothing wrong. I think if I had stayed Iwould have stabbed him in the stomach, quite literally.
This was an amazing read, really needed this! After a year and a half relationship I was recently dumped via text, and three days later he was in relationships with some else, this someone else is still married and to husband number 5. I have never ever felt so much pain as he has recently thrown at me. There is a lot more to this horrible life event, but very grateful to have found this article! Thank you so much!!!
You usually have been shown many pink flags to see the demise of the relationship forming- and it’s only a matter of time before you are tripping over the finish line. Trust your gut and be honest with yourself, and create an ending story that you are proud to tell.
Hi
I’ve been reading Savannah’s posts since fall 2014 and although I’ve often thought I’ve sorted out my life (and gotten over my Ex) it still hasn’t gone away completely and the thoughts still creep up on me!
I KNEW it wouldn’t be easy to forget and get on with life, and although I’ve moved away and got new friends and experiences, as well as being able to say (most of the time), “I don’t care” still there’s days when I can’t get her out of my head!
BUT I’ve been completely no contact for nearly two years and if I do get those little needling ideas about my N I switch on the screen and read some Savannah…. and guess what? Yep, it all gets put back into perspective!
I’ve written this today because “Chasing the Narcissist” really really helped after a week of thoughts in my head!!!
Thanks for giving me my freedom Savannah…. Can’t thank you enough….