A couple weeks back I had dinner with one of my cousins. She recently became aware of my blog and really wanted to talk about it. She and I have a lot in common, the largest being that we both had one emotionally abusive parent. Her father‘s behavior was so outrageous at times, that even as a little girl, I was able to understand that there was something really off about the man. During our dinner my cousin asked me, “You could see it, why could no one else see it?”
It’s amazing how good families are at pretending that things are okay. Many get stuck rationalizing and minimizing bad behavior and some just live in a perpetual fog. For a mother to admit that she allowed her son or daughter to be mistreated, might mean that she would have to admit that she failed to protect her child. For the golden-child sibling to admit that their brother or sister was the recipient of unwarranted abuse, might mean that all the praise they received was not deserved. People dealing in these family dynamics have a very difficult time admitting that there is something wrong, or that they made a mistake. It’s always a lot easier to blame the child than to admit that there was a problem. I can’t tell you how often I heard the phrase, “You were such a difficult child.” Blaming the child is easy, being emotionally honest is not.
A typical codependent family fears rocking the boat. They don’t want the truth – when an illusion is so much easier to swallow. What ends up happening in this dynamic is that the abused child, now on a mission to heal and live his or her truth, comes upon a lot of resistance.
As a victim, you not only want to talk about it, but you need to talk about it. You want the truth known and you want the validation that comes with it, but when the truth is ugly and paints others in an unflattering light, it’s not quite so palatable for everyone else. Unhealthy people will fight to keep the status quo, especially when their reputation, past and present, is at stake. When you attempt to shine light on issues that hurt you and need to be healed, you can expect to have your motives questioned, expect name calling and character assassination. Expect to have other people remember things completely differently and expect to not get what you were hoping to get out of the dialogue.
When my mother died all I had were my siblings and all they had was me. We did get a lot closer and we do spend every holiday and birthday together. We also make it a habit to get together at least once a month for dinner, but, and this is a big but, (pun intended) it wasn’t an easy progression and for a while, during my healing, I didn’t have anything to do with them. Like my cousin’s family, mine remembered our childhood a lot differently than I did. I was to blame for my mistreatment. I was too sensitive. I was delusional. You name it, it was my fault. My older brother is 12 years older than I am and he was the golden child, so trying to convince him that there were problems did not come easily.
I remember people asking me about my mother at social gatherings and I would speak my truth, only to have one of my brother’s voice that I was the one with the problem and that our mother was perfect. Then I would be mocked and told that I was just, ‘so hard done by.’ It is natural for someone who had an emotionally abusive childhood to want to shy away from conflict and when that happens, the codependent will usually clam up and just let it go.
I got to a place in my healing where I was done being quiet and done with letting things go. I started to speak up and quite forcefully too. When my siblings would interrupt me, to tell people that I was delusional, I interrupted back and said, “Your experience wasn’t my experience and just because you don’t like it doesn’t make it untrue.” The more they pushed the harder I pushed back.
We got together this weekend and as always the conversation touched on our childhood. It amazed me how different we all relate now. The respect I demanded from them years ago is always present now. Little by little, over the years, I taught then how to treat me. I explained my point of view a little at a time and slowly they started to understand. They have stopped blaming me and even as I stated my opinion about my mother’s problems that night, they quietly nodded.
They may not completely agree with me, but they don’t jump down my throat anymore. For a long time I thought I would never have their support and I had to teach myself to be okay with that.
Telling your truth sometimes means that you will stand alone. I can’t tell you that your friends and family will eventually come around like mine did, but I do know that the more I spoke my truth, the more people listened to what I had to say and the better I felt.
Some people never own up to the truth and will perpetually, prefer a fight over familial bliss. In these cases, it’s best to walk away, or limit your involvement with that person. Speaking our truth is not for other people. It’s for ourselves. It’s part of self-care and it’s about learning how to be honest with ourselves and overcoming the urge to bottle up our feelings and not cause any ripples. It’s about getting comfortable with calling out bad behavior and not sweeping it under the rug, like we have in the past.
You can’t force others to accept the truth. Some people flat our refuse to admit it, or accept responsibility for any wrong doing and some may even lack the ability. Sometimes you don’t get resolution, sometimes you don’t get the validation, or the apology that you deserve. Continuing to fight for it becomes a futile endeavor, not to mention, bad for your wellbeing.
In some cases speaking out means that you will be ostracized and abandoned by those closest to you. It could mean being left out, and bad mouthed to other family members. Walking in the light of your truth is not an easy road, but it’s the one that leads to healing and inner peace. It can be a lonely place, but it’s on this path that you will learn how to validate yourself and you will become content in the knowledge that you know the truth and aren’t willing to ignore it any longer.
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One added comment. When your parent or other “loved one” is an alcoholic or over-the-top abusive, I think it makes it a lot easier to deal with than if they are otherwise responsible upstanding people who act with dignity. Their goal is to appear reasonable and “normal” in their dysfunction. This can make it much harder to gain validation about your pain and detachment. My mother was a nice lady, but she would have fits where she beat us with switches till we bled, she would smear you in a “nice way” to others , etc. So be aware that it’s not always a case of them being overtly crazy or anything. I feel its worse when they are high functioning. Because it seems such a waste that they can’t relate emotionally in a normal fashion.
This describes my situation well, and confirms my own prior research into my family dynamic.
Father, cold, unemotional, distant, angry, virtually a stranger. Loves himself and money, Pretty classic narcissist. Uninterested in you, never asked “how you doing” to any of his family, ever. Drones on about himself constantly. Glib and charming to strangers and outsiders, silent and sullen at home. We failed to provide the narcissistic supply he desired and so he shut down on us.
Mother, phony warm, child of alcoholics who can’t tolerate any negative emotions, enabler, manipulative, protective of our father’s reputation which is the opposite of the reality, and turns out she badmouthed all her children to others. , gaslights about the past to the point of delusion. Afraid of my father. My wife says it is obvious she had no idea who I really was or what I was really like. Tried to cultivate image of me as a “rebel” even though I am about as mild mannered and boring as they come. Don’t drink, smoke, party, always employed, married just once, over 20 years, retired by 54 well off. Some “rebel”.
Older brother. The “hero”, never complained, uncomfortable with emotion, emotionally dead and depressed, dutiful, checked out emotionally from family at 17, never came back after college , but makes overt gestures of family to “honor” my parents for appearances sake. Wants to be seen as the “good son”. Does this by never expressing an opinion or having a personality.
Brother: Immature emotionally, sSecretly despises my parents(I have emails where he’s wished them cancer), has often verbally abused them, (they lump me in with him as we are twins) but sides with them in hope of an inheritence when I rationally brought up the family issues to get “my truth” out there. Borderline personality disorder. Hot and cold with me for years. Projects many of his frustrations and attributes onto me. His wife makes him insane, he would try to take it out on me, as he could not leave her without financial ruin and loss of custody of kids.
I finally broke off contact 9 years ago as they were just not open to any honest discourse, and wanted to just continue the charade, after my younger brother verbally abused me repeatedly for years and they sided with him because he has children. I was told it was just “sibling rivalry” even though we have never been that way. I simply quit coming by. None of them ever even called to ask what was up. They prefer nothing to a minute of emotional upset. I’m still waiting for an apology. Not holding my breath. Don’t miss them.
Thanks for sharing your story and I can absolutely relate. My mom (deceased) was an alcoholic and very selfish. She married my step-father also an alcoholic and very immature. My escape from my childhood was reading anything I could get my hands on. At the age of 7 I read an article titled ” You Could Be An Alcoholic and Not Know It.” I innocently went to my mom after reading the article and told her that I thought she was one. She immediately got angry and called me the worse names. She said she wouldn’t drink if I was a good girl and did what i was suppose to do like
clean my room and get good grades. She said she drank because of me. That is the day I started pretending like everything in our house was normal. She criticized me and I held it, she neglected me and I stayed quiet, she treated my siblings babdly and I would tell them to cut out
whatever they were doing. I’ve seen my stepdad punch my siblings, throw my brother across a room and hit my older sister with a vacumn cleaner because he was drunk. If we got ourselves together she would stop drinking. Till this day I struggle with
sharing my feeling with anyone because I feel no would care. My younger sister was the golden child of the family. May mom went on and on about how beautiful, smart and talented she was. If you did anything to her you automatically got
punished with no questions asked.
So I realized when I joined the military and met other people and their families that something was VERY wrong with ours, yet the pretending by everyone went on for years. My siblings do not think they were neglected or abused and will get angry when I bring it up and we’re in our 40’s. The golden child definitely is not acknowledging it, but her life is a mess because of it. Luckily my older sister agrees with me and it explains why all my relationships are with narcissists who abuse me. I think I deserve the abuse and I pretend it’s not happening and I stay quiet. I have my own home, great job, my kids are grown and lots of friends so I’m not helpless, I just struggle with letting this last one go or telling my friends and family the truth about him. I have no doubt that I would be happier without him I’m just scared. I just moved to a new State to be with him and found out he is cheating again. I don’t know anyone in this town and I have to be here at least a year to transfer to another location in another State for my job. I did have the strength to kick him out of my house so we are not living together and he does not have keys to my place. He is such a good manipulator though and I always let him spend the night when he wants to. I have an appt to see a therapist today so I can’t wait until that appt. I just want to be happy and enjoy my life.
Thank you!! I feel like this original writing, as well as many of the comments, could be telling my very own story. It is a VERY healing feeling after feeling so isolated by my family and others.
My problem is actually a mirror-image of yours – it’s my brother that’s the narcissist. He had learning disabilities as a child and for most of his life I think we saw this as the reason for his behavior. One day I happened upon a list of narcissistic personality traits and realized THAT was my brother.
My mother is a Social Worker and from her education she had learned that narcissists are “created” by bad parenting. I don’t think this is still the case…? She refused to consider it at all. She got very angry with me. Then, over time, she began to see the signs. My brother stopped talking to her, and me, and pretty much the entire family, which was a huge sign. I suspect she did some research on her own as well. I also made sure I let her know I didn’t think it was her fault, whatever my opinion is worth!
My mom and dad got divorced when we were very young and my dad wasn’t really involved with us until much later in life. Now I’m carefully introducing the idea to him that my brother is a narcissist. It’s a little easier because my dad has no preconceived ideas about how one becomes a narcissist. Still, no one wants to think they gave birth to someone like that.
I know that I’m only an observer, not a mental health professional, but the signs are very clear. In fact, he has been in therapy for a number of years now and has managed to charm the pants off the therapist. She invited my mother to a counseling session and before even talking to mom to get her side of things began to blame her for all my brother’s problems! He’s good, he’s very very good….I mean BAD!
This hit home in so many ways. Our family was the typical alcoholic dysfunctional family with a father and sister that define “narcissistic”. I was the scapegoat and grew up questioning my own reality. I thank God every day for my husband who was the first person to see what was going on and to validate my experience. I finally decided it was in my best interest to cut off ties from my family in order to heal and because my siblings continued to blame me for all of the family dysfunction. It is lonely not having a family outside my husband and child, but only on Christmas and Thanksgiving. I would rather be stress-free for the other 364 days of the year. This post is yet another validation and affirmation that I made the right decision.
Last night I told some friends of mine that are also friends of my ex girlfriend about the abuse she gave me during our relationship. It wasn’t to dob or to paint her in a bad light to them, it was a case of speaking my truth that I had bottled up for long around them. It felt good to be honest and to give them reasons behind my tears. Thank you Savannah xxx
Yep my mom is the same way and I got picked as the trouble maker for trying to live my life without abuse. It is hard to get past your without pain without help. Indeed it is a lonely place when your walking in the truth!
I am 59 and both of my parents are still alive and living. I was emotionally and verbally abused by my mother all of my life. My dad didn’t know of everything she did, but he did know some things and never stood up on my behalf mainly out of fear of what she would do to him. I never told my children what she did because up until the past five years, I kept stuffing everything away, staying in denial, and not wanting to admit my abuse. The outside world thinks she is great and sweet and she goes to church every time the doors are open, takes food to the sick and runs errands for the shut-ins. If I were to say something about how she has treated me, I would be viewed as an ungrateful child and how could I make such accusations about someone so sweet and kind. Because she was never this way with my son and daughter (who are now in their 30’s) they refuse to allow me to say anything – definitely in denial. Even my cousins on my mother’s side won’t talk to me as they can’t believe my mother could possibly be bad.
Well said. I’ve been there and so was my oldest son. We did get out but after having custody for a year, due to me being on legal aid they made me look crazy and he got custody of my two boys. I still have hope that one day they will come back to find out the truth! I kept all the documents and not once could he keep his story straight. Now is a lot better than when I went thru it 1994. Just remember you need to tell someone!
It’s a lonely road, but a nessesary one. Well said. Xo
You have a clear view and write it down so clearly. Thank you. I recognize it all. My mother is uncapable of showing love and empathy. The last few years I learned more about her childhood and that certainly gave an explanation. But still it is no excuse for her selfish and heartless behavior. She continuously ignores my feelings and wants and is not capable of really seeing me for who I am.
Since I’m a transgender and have recently come out to her I understand that it is hard for her. But even before that, decades ago, she lamented to me that she wished I had never been born. Recently she topped that by saying to me that she would have preferred me hanging myself instead of becoming the woman I am now. When she did that repeatedly (even after I clearly said that she was being disrespectful to me) I walked away. I haven’t seen her since.
It gave me comfort to read that in your experience that is sometimes necessary for the wounds to heal. I’m focussing on myself now. I am open for a genuine attempt of contact from her side but I won’t take any initiatives myself for now.
Thank you for your helpful words.
My dad was the alcoholic abuser in my family of 4 (2 parents, 2 children). My mother is passive aggressive and would stand by and watch the physical, verbal and emotional abuse (or she’d walk out of the room, if you don’t see it, it didn’t happen). My younger sister validates that as the oldest child I got the brunt of the abuse. My mom is 90 years old and to this day every time I approach the subject of dad’s drinking and abuse, she outright denies it or even worse is silent and won’t acknowledge it at all. I realize that if she admitted his abuse she would have to also admit that she was a bad parent by allowing it to happen. Still, I have to be the bigger person and forgive her (my dad is deceased). The pain and resentment is still there of a mother who did not protect me and my sister but is in denial to protect her own emotions.
Wow. This is so related to my journal entry last evening. I wrote that I was the one to be the “medical examiner” and I alone was in search of the truth and that I found it and that the vast majority of those involved still ignored it. What was important to me, though, was that I found out the truth and that a few significant inside people DID listen–a sister, an uncle,and a cousin–and those now-important people see the truth and support me in it. And I feel like a beacon and I will not let the light go out; I will no longer play their game of darkness–if for no further than to say, “That is not the way I see it or experienced it.” Neither do I feel that I need to use my energies at this point to convince them. I know the truth and that is good enough for now. Do I need to convince the other key players? It is not necessary for me right now–and maybe not possible–but neither will I continue in the unwritten code of ignoring it, of hiding the truth.
yep i have battled with my mother all my life. I am 51 she is 90. she will never accept how nasty and manipulative she has been to me and still is when she doesnt get her own way. Iam an only child but it wasnt until my two daughters were growing up that i realised i had been emotionally abused. I realised that i never would do and say to my girls what my mother had done to me. As an only child I had no base line as to what to judge what was right behaviour from wrong. over the last 20 yrs the realisation slowly dawned. I have learnt to limit my contact with my mother but to support her in her old age where needed. I dont tell her anything she doesnt need to know, I expect anything from her. Really I dont feel I ever had a mother. she gave birth to me, and as a fellow human, i do what i can to help.
After lots of research and lots of reading and relating to other’s experiences on blogs like this (and a few others), I understand myself more clearly. I understand that I’m dealing with PTSD 3 years after leaving my narcissist boyfriend. That’s not to say we havent yoyo’d back and forth throughout these last 3 years. I finally had to get with my administrators and counselor (I’m an educator) to explain my truth. This was more as a last resort to explain my behaviors and reactions to triggers at work. I have been having angry outbursts towards my coworkers and full on panic attacks. Deciding to tell my coworkers about my truth was no easy task for me. I was incredibly uncomfortable and feel a huge fear of being austrisized or that they will not believe me. This was only lasy week-we have been on Thanksgiving Break so today will be my first day back and working around these coworkers. I’m really nervous about returning to this environment where i feel entirely misunderstood and unsupported. Inside my classroom with children is where i feel most confident and secure/safe. I wonder if I made a mistake telling them. I really just want to move somewhere that I’m not judged on my past or for my PTSD. Starting fresh in a new place sounds so nice.
I could have written this. My mother was and still is brutally abusive but to the outside world….she is the sweetest person
She is the biggest liar and believed by everybody. I feel so defeated v