
Reactivity, it’s a byproduct of being involved with an emotional manipulator. It’s an unhealthy response to a person’s dysfunctional behavior, that causes us distress. A behavior is hyper-reactive when it is over the top and out of character for the individual.
Narcissists, Psychopaths and Borderlines employ certain methods to extract compliance, control or pain. Some of those include: lying, gaslighting, projection, rejection, betrayal, the smear campaign and passing off responsibility. These behaviors are meant to keep their victims off balance and from discovering the truth. Their purpose is to confuse, hurt, make you question your sanity, keep you guessing and to always have you on the defensive.
There are a number of behaviors that a person exhibits when they are hyper-reactive and on the receiving end of a Narcissist’s abusive binge. The following reactive behaviors are signs that you are enmeshed in a toxic relationship.
When Your Behavior Tells You It’s Time to End It
- You’re trying to convince everyone that your partner is wrong and that you’re the good guy: It’s a normal reaction to want to disprove someone that is telling lies about you, but if you’re obsessed with trying to get everyone on your side and have them agree with you, you’ve gone too far. Individuals that Narcissists surround themselves with, usually already know their patterns and just what type of person they are. If they don’t know, they soon will. They could also already be fully charmed by the Narcissist and will perpetuate the belief that you are crazy. You don’t have to obsess about what’s being said about you to these people. They are not your crowd and not everyone has to like you. Let it be enough that you know the truth and let them think what they want.
- You’re Constantly on the Defensive: If your partner, persistently throws insane accusations at you and you’re yelling and screaming or crying, trying to get them to believe you – even though anyone in their right mind would know they are projecting, you’re already trapped in their web. Trust yourself, don’t allow them to cloud your senses or your reality. If someone is accusing you of something you haven’t done, chances are, they’re doing that exact behavior. It’s almost as if they are talking to themselves, while yelling at you.
- You’re overly emotional and desperate: If your partner is acting insane and cruel and getting off on your pain, by God, don’t give it to them. Never beg or plead with someone to want you, or to stay with you. Begging and pleading with someone who’s empathy chip is damaged, is about as productive as counting sand on a beach. It is also indicative of your level of self-esteem. People who know their worth don’t stick around with people that don’t value them.
- You’ve become obsessive: You’re checking your phone every 2 minutes. You’re stalking their social media accounts for any signs of what they’re up to. They’re the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing when you go to sleep. You’re getting hyper emotional about what you think they’re doing and who they’re doing it with. You’re trying to justify reasons and ways you can see them or “accidentally” run into them. You’re sitting in your car outside of their house doing surveillance. You’re trying to reach them telepathically.
- You’re trying to convince your partner that you’re worthy and that they should choose you: You’re jumping through hoops, buying them presents, bending over backwards, trying to make them happy.
- You’re in an incredible amount of emotional pain: Love doesn’t equal pain. If your loved one has tossed you aside, betrayed you, rejected you or is ignoring you, it’s going to hurt and hurt a lot. The exceptional amount of unnecessary cruelty Narcissists dish out, is over the top and meant to be a feast for their ego. Most break-ups hurt, but you know when you’re lost in the relationship, when it emotionally destroys you and you can’t let it go.
Healthy people don’t stick around when they’re being mistreated – they leave. They don’t try to convince their partner that they’re good enough, they don’t beg and plead, they don’t accept responsibility that doesn’t belong to them and they don’t act desperate and needy.
Similarly, when a healthy relationship ends, both parties ideally should try to make it as painless and amicable as possible. There should be no unnecessary cruelty. No getting off on each other’s pain. There should be compassion, respect and acceptance.
Your reactions show you just as much about the state of the relationship and your mental health, as does the behavior of your partner. If your behavior is out of control, your fear and pain meter is off the charts and you can’t stop obsessing, you’re caught in the addiction. The longer you stay in it, the more of yourself you lose. Do whatever it is that you need to do, to get out. Educate yourself, seek counseling, find a support group and get out. The same rules apply as those of any addiction. Once you’re out you have to stay out, or you run the risk of getting ensnared in it again.
You’ll find the longer you stay away from them the clearer your mind becomes and you’ll start to see through the fog and into reality.
Your Comments!!!!!!
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When I get the idea of seeing my nasty ex narc friend, I visualize spraying him with a can of Narc repellent and walking away laughing. On 2 occasions he was showing off outside the glass doors of my spinning class where he knew I could see him. I was hoping to speak to him when my class was over but he was no longer anywhere in sight when I went out of the room. A few minutes later a woman came across the room hissing at me as if she was chasing me away. I realized that woman was the Narc’s wife and he was no friend to me. You are spot on when you explain Narcs are miserable and they create misery everywhere they go. The book Women who Love too Much explains the fact that women who do not care for themselves are suckers for guys who are not capable of loving them. Depression is source of the negative thinking as it gives highs and hope that we will feel better if we get the Narc to finally love us. There are genetic tests that can determine if someone has a B vitamin metabolism problem that causes depression – also hormone
imbalances can cause depression. Many out patient mental health hospitals test for genetics to determine which antidepressants will work and rule out ones that will not work. I went to a specialty healthcare place that uses modern approaches to repair the source of my depression by providing optimum hormone replacement therapy and I feel so much stronger both physically and mentally. Antidepressants only help with the symptoms of depression. Hormone replacement therapy removes the source of depression. Also there is a definition in psychology for a person who thinks a new love relationship is what they need when really they are suffering from depression. Hormone levels decline after age 30. Put into yourself the love you deserve as self love is what it is all about.
Millie, thank you.
Millie, thank you and of course you are right. Absolutely right!
one day and then another and I try another way to explain how he hurts me I leave for months then another day and another day then I notice as Im trying to explain how he hurt me I catch a smile as he turns away. I leave for months than I go back and another day. 13 years later I have lost my savings my retirement my home my job my health and I think I am so strong I can fix this. I know that if one of my friends told me one of the many horrible things he has done to me I would insist she leave. I would make her pack but I think I can fix it. Then one of those days that added up to 13 years of lost life I am angry and google who to get even with a narcissists. I dont like the answer I find but what I do find is that I am not the only one. This type of relationship is not just mine. Wow I read Esteemology and see in words my life. I am in awe every week when I read these posts. I don’t like to say I am done because I always look stupid in a few months when I go back. But last week I felt and feel a shift somehow in myself. I can’t explain it I’m sure someone will but its there and I am so hopeful that I am really done. I have not gone their in over two months and its been almost two weeks no contact but like I have said we have changed phone numbers and not spoken in four or five months and then I get sucked back in. Please if you can sneak me in to your prayers I would appreciate the help in starting my way back to me. I let go of wanting to make him understand I know now he has always but will never admit it so who cares. He has everything. When we got together he was weeks away from loosing his home I have saved it three times. he has money a new car his home. I have none of those things and will never again because I can not work. I have excepted that it is my own fault and he will never be grateful or make it right so to walk away is good but Karma were are you?
Apart from the fact you write so well, I think I know how you feel and understand you. So many years out of your life and if you are like me, I started off so well, working hard, my own apartment, was very active, friends, lots of dreams, ambitions. They love that, they feed off of your success until they are able to take over. In fact they are jealous of you and for some unfathomable reason that want to crush you. In my case, travelling due to his career, having babies, whereby I had no visa to work. I bevame increadingly dependant on him. Wow did he like thst, total control while despising your dependancy. They are warped. Foreign countries which left me at home bringing up the children he is so proud of now but when they were young had no interest in. I had to battle with him to continue their education but wow can he show off and strutt around about how well his children are doing now. Thanks Margaret…eh no…never heard that. I have in economic terms nothing…he has totally ripped me off . He has a hidden stash and that’s for sure. Don’t blame yourself! Who in the hell ever expected to be duped by the person you put your trust in? Only difference now, I realise I didn’t know myself well enough and didn’t have enough confidence in myself. Lots of self work to be done. I’m doing it seeing analysts and what not. I encourage you too to do it. It’s hard but little by little I’m starting to feel a joy in my life that I have never felt before. Good luck.
These are so spot on. Every last one. I have spent 7 years in this hell. The lying,the cheating..everything being my fault. He even lied to me about having a vasectomy. Two months ago I gave birth early to our stillborn daughter. I was in the hospital dying alone, buried her alone and am now grieving her alone. All for him to tell me last week that he wants a paternity test. I am so ashamed of myself that I was so pathetically in love that I let it come to this. I can only pray that this time I will be strong enough to not anwer when he shows up on my doorstep 2 months from now with his fake tears.
Hello Banshee, that’s the saddest thing I have ever read. To be pregnant and loose a child, to almost die doing that…to have to bury that baby for anyone it would be traumatising but alone!?!
Without the man who was supposed to be there for you. OMG how sad, that would crack me up. None of my business I know and not even sure I’m givi g you good advice, perhaps Savannah and the group would like to add their voices but I wouldn’t give him the choice of having a DNA test done. He’s playing games with you and is lovi g it, how cruel. I know right now you love him, but walk away you will never regret it. Do you have friends/family to give you support at the moment? Keep posting here, it is a support group and I for one would like to support you. Good luck and love.
Banshee, my heart goes out to you. What a sad experience to go through alone.
Paternity test??? For what reason??? You already went through a lot of suffering alone. So now if the child was his he will forgive you for your pain and what??? Stay with you??? Feel sorry for you??? I just don’t get this. Say, the child wasn’t his and then what??? Then you still went alone through a horrible experience and your pain and suffering doesn’t mean anything to this man. A partnership is when you go with the other through good and bad. I just don’t get this, sorry!!!
Years ago, I went alone through a high risk pregnancy and difficult delivery, fortunately of a premature but healthy child, all by myself. I do remember the pain I felt watching this miracle baby I was fighting so hard to protect before he was even born. I cried a lot and it physically hurt to hear: “I don’t want to have anything to do with the baby” from his biological father. I did not want anything from the biological father, did not sue him for alimony payments, and as he wished did not list him as father on our child’s birth certificate. However, being co-dependent I suffered horribly from “denying the child the right to have “normal” family, mom and dad and all. Ha, ha, ha!!! My child, and I would’ve been so much better without the biological father, or a non-biological parent. Who knows, how would my life go if I didn’t do this, or didn’t do that. When my divorce troubles started and I had to do difficult talks with my then almost grown up son, I had to admit that although I intended good, I put him through a lot of emotional abuse and in a way, pretended I didn’t see it. My marriage was ill-intended from the very beginning and I can clearly see it now. I apologized to my son and told him that unfortunately I can’t push him back into my uterus and start all over again.
My son made such a great progress since the divorce that I will never ever regret my decision. He is happier, I am happier and the ex? No one knows? Whatever he does, whoever he is with or is not, we don’t know and we really, really like it this way.
I get so much out of your posts, Savannah. I look forward to them every Monday. Sometimes the responses help me even more. To hear that after 15 months Andrea feels nothing for a new man really resonated with me. I tried dating a very nice man this summer and found that I felt very little as well. I think it was partly because he WAS nice and didn’t provide the distraction of drama and trauma that makes me feel a certain high.
Sadly, after three years of NC I relapsed 3 times this year (my father died and I have been struggling). Thankfully, I’ve been in counseling since July and have the support to pick up and go on without going too far down a shame spiral. I should add that one of my relapses was with a man I dated for about 6 months last year only to discover I was in another addictive relationship. It has really helped me to realize I AM ADDICTED to the drama and trauma and that it distracts me from grief and loss just like any other addiction. What is different about co-dependency is that its a behavior I am addicted to, not a substance. I’ve discovered an attachment to shame, of all things. That shame is preferable to feeling loss and sadness in my weirdly wired up heart. Its distracting. So grateful, as ever, for this community and Savannah’s devotion to sharing her insight.
Hi Groundup, yes we all have different histories, which amount to similar symptoms but how we tackle our inability to stop being co-dependant varies. I always feel powerful energy coming from Savanahs posts but then It’s up to us to follow her advice. It sounds to me that you’re addicted to your Narc and need constant approval from him. I was the same but guess what? 8 years later he’s the one phoning every evening and he sounds insane to me now. Can’t believe I fell for that and put so much importance onto him but I did. I haven’t been working on myself enough otherwise I’m sure I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now and I’m talking generally. I don’t want him, when I do see him It’s lovely for about an hour and then I find him exhausting. However, I still want his phone calls, so what this is telling me is I still want attention (to feel someone loves me !?!?!) But It’s not him but someone like him and I need to feel a whole lot stronger within myself so that I can live without the approval of others and this is what Savanah is trying to get us to understand. So for the moment It’s no men for me and as I said, at the moment I don’t want one. I fully understand if I did get into a relationship with one it would be a mess and right now (health issues etc.) I have enough on my plate. I look forward to the day when I feel less encumbered emotionally and more able to enter into a healthy relationship. I am seeing a psych and am hoping to get some intensive therapy. It’s a long road but one I believe to be worth travelling. Good luck!
Because when you’ve been done over by a narc or more you realise you have to get to know yourself very well so not to fall into the same trap. It can take a long time. Happily for me I’m at the stage where I realise I would rather be alone than in bad company. Hoping next stage is to be happy to meet good company, not ego trip company. Hope that helps, if not read back through Savanahs posts.
Me too! I’m so happy to get rid of the Narc in my life. Likr I’ve been in prison for 4 years! Savannah’s posts totally convinced me that I wasn’t the one crazy and those “happy memories” were not worth it compared to the emotional and psychogical hell I’ve been through. Yes, better to be alone and be happy than be with someone who’s physically present and makes you miserable. 🙂
My 11 years of my life with my NARC in a nutshell.
Wow Savannah, spot on. Thank you again so much.
Love Love Love it.
Wow! Oh how I wish I’d read and embraced this 8 years ago. My husband of 38 years left our marriage emotionally 10+ years ago and physically left 8+ years ago. I was devastated.
Many friends and family wanted to “help” me get my head on straight. They badgered me, called me names, made fun of me and treated me like I’m an idiot. Perhaps they were right but their “help” drove me Into deeper depression and denial of the reality of the situation.
The behaviors listed in this spot-on article were my every day life. My closest friends tried to help me see how my outrageous behavior was hurting my family, my emotional and even my physical health. I hardly left my home for months and could only cry, beg and plead for him to “pick me”, instead of “that woman”. Smh
Despite many assurances that he was no longer involved with the other woman, was working on himself and he wanted to save our marriage, I discovered (again) that he was still seeing and supporting “that woman”.
I finally got angry and stayed angry long enough to do something different.
After some time, I started to explore dating. OMG! It’s been over 40 years since I “dated”! Imagine my surprise when I was asked out!
Imagine my greater surprise when I was asked out on a second date! And third date! I couldn’t believe that someone WANTED to spend time with me; that I was attractive, smart, fun to be with, desirable, and overall quite a catch!!
Who knew?!! .
I still get sad, have occasional thoughts about reconciliation and reminisce about the good times. However, I now have LOTS of days full of adventures and fun with new friends. I’m making up for lost time!
I’ve rediscovered I do not need anyone-man, woman, child, friend, family, boss, coworker, no one, absolutely NO ONE- to validate me.
I now know that I AM ENOUGH!
This article helped confirm that I am on the right path. Thank you so much.
Hi Savannah, thank you once again for being “spot-on”…… i realized I had to get out of the relationship when I began to think that the only way out was suicide! Yes, it was that bad. It’s been 15mths of no contact however I don’t think I’ll ever be free.
I’ve met a new man but feel totally void of feelings.
Hi Andrea, why a ‘new’ man already?? It takes time (!!) to heal from abusive relationships. First heal yourself and your feelings will come back, you’ll see…. A new man can not free you from your past or bad feelings. You know about codependency?
New here…this is my first post. I’m respectfully curious about your response, Anneke. You said “why a ‘new’ man already?” Andrea said she’s been 15 months of NC. Is 15 months considered “already”? Like I said, I’m new and just trying to digest and learn about what I’ve just been through (and am going through). I have no idea what’s what at this point. TIA!
Because when you’ve been done over by a narc or more you realise you have to get to know yourself very well so not to fall into the same trap. It can take a long time. Happily for me I’m at the stage where I realise I would rather be alone than in bad company. Hoping next stage is to be happy to meet good company, not ego trip company. Hope that helps, if not read back through Savanahs posts.
It does help, thanks Margaret. I guess how long is long enough depends on the individual, how they were before getting tangled up with the narc, how well they’ve handled getting untangled, how many times they relapsed on NC (about 2,463,463 for me, it feels like). I’m at the stage right now where I’m still not managing NC. I’m happy if I can make it an hour, then two, then three, etc. I have a long road ahead of me. But if there is a silver lining, it’s that I will be forced to finally deal with some fear of abandonment and codependency issues I’ve had all of my life. So there’s that. :).
I have been reading here for about a year. Tons of very helpful information.
Groundup you sound like a fun person to be around, loved and laughed at your post. Well, guess What? My lover called me this evening…”What have you been doing?”…me…uh not much, went out for cigarettes…him…aggressive…I want all the details, did you turn right or left when you left your place?. So I gave him all the details. And who carried your shopping home?…wtf…was he spying on me? As it happened I bumped into someone I casually know and he carried my shopping for me.A once off! (I have a hip problem) so, was he spying or guessing? Well, he started growling, the only way to describe it, and said you and the other one and the other one…I can only guess he was talking about his ex’s and he mumbled to himself, “well, that’s done” and hung up on me !!! Nuts, nuts and nuts!!! Yes, He’s nuts but it’s still upsetting, nevertheless, I’m trying to put it into perspective…not my problem. Sad though.
Margaret,
You don’t need that. You don’t have to enter into any discussion with him about what you have been doing, when and with whom or anything else which is personal to you.
I know I was hooked into responding to crap to begin with. Then I was in contact over some work. I followed Savannah’s advice to confine communication just to that, texted rather than spoke if telephone contact was required. Once those boundaries were clear in my head, the detachment showed his odd behaviour to be clear and repellent. It was empowering but still uncomfortable. Ending that phase was a huge step forward.
I was still suffering from the remains of the addiction/obsession with him so it seemed hard to free myself from all telephone and social media contact. But I felt unbelievably better once I did.