There is so much attention given to spotting a Narcissist and whether, or not, you might be involved with one. But there is a much more accurate barometer, and that is – our own behavior.
When you’re involved with a compulsively dishonest, egomaniac, their behavior sets off a chain reaction, which causes us to behave in equally unhealthy and neurotic ways.
Trying to maneuver through all the curves and road blocks of a Narcissistic relationship, puts us constantly on edge and in a perpetually confused and anxious mental state. This negative state clouds our judgment and hinders our ability to analyze situations properly and make logical decisions.
When we start behaving in a manner that is out of character for us, that is a huge glowing, flashing red flag that something is seriously wrong. The behavior we exhibit at any given time, is generally based on whatever emotional state we are in. When we are constantly off balance, how we react, our choices and decision making skills, will reflect that negative emotional state.
Many years ago, when I was dating my boomerang Narcissist, my behavior and my common sense echoed all the turmoil that was going on in the relationship. When he first started to blow cold and began showing interest in other women, I actually thought that he was doing that because he just didn’t know how to behave in a relationship. I’d get mixed signals and I thought I had to teach him that that was unacceptable behavior. I even believed that I couldn’t leave him because he needed me. I became an excellent detective, trying to keep tabs on him and what he was up to.
As I look back on it I realize how ridiculous my mental state was. Of course he knew that by acting that way it would upset me and cause me to back off. Of course he knew he was killing all chances of having a relationship with me. He was behaving that way because he didn’t want a relationship with me. He was acting like him and his behavior was making me act nuts.
I was rationalizing and minimizing and I was desperately trying to hang onto someone that I could feel slipping away and I even found myself trying to convince him that I was best for him and that he should stay with me. I felt like Will Ferrell in the movie Anchorman, “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”
What he wanted was to lower my expectations. He wanted to create friction and drama that would drive a wedge between us and create distance, because I was getting too close. And Narcissists don’t want close – they want distance.
When someone we care about tries to pull away from us, it’s a natural reaction to want to cling tighter, to stop them from leaving. And believe me Narcissists know this. More to the point they like you in this state. It’s a huge ego boost for them. Imagine having several women pining for you all at once and knowing that you have managed down their expectations so drastically, that you can just throw them bits of attention now and then and they will give you all that you want, whenever you want it and expect nothing from you. This doesn’t happen by accident – this happens by design.
How Your Behavior Tells You You’re Involved with a Narcissist
When other people come to us with their problems it’s usually quite simple for us to spot the obvious and recommend a solution, mainly because we have nothing invested and our emotional state is neutral. But when it comes to our own situations the answers are not so simple. The best way to know if our relationships are healthy and good for us is to judge how we are behaving.
If you find yourself engaging in any of the following behaviors, there is an excellent chance that your relationship is unhealthy and you may be involved with a Narcissist:
You act completely desperate: You are hyper-vigilant about being available 24/7 for any type of contact. You check your phone constantly for any signs of communication. You make mountains out of molehills of attention, putting way more stock into a few nice things he does and ignoring all the horrible things he does.
You act like a drug addict: The relationship is on your mind constantly. You can’t get enough of him, you think about him all the time. You talk about him all the time, so much so, that your friends are sick of hearing about him. You listen to messages he has left on your phone over and over again, you reread previous text messages, or emails, basking in the glow of earlier attention. You keep looking at his pictures, trying to stave off withdrawal. You can’t stop fantasizing about how you want your relationship to be. You keep wondering what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with.
You keep trying to convince him that you are worthy: You are constantly jumping through hoops trying to please him. You’re basically jumping up and down saying, ‘pick me pick me.’ You’re giving way too much, in an attempt to prove that you are better than other girls and have more to offer him.
You become an expert detective: You are constantly on the hunt for clues that will tell you what he’s up to. You check his phone, computer or email for any signs of foul play, every chance you get. You check his pockets for phone numbers. You do drive-bys past his house to see who’s parked out front, or you do the stake out and keep him under surveillance. You stalk his Facebook and all social media, for any suspicious activity. You even go on dating websites to see if he has a profile up.
You act nuts: You become completely neurotic, defensive, easily irritated and high strung. You overreact to even the slightest criticism by well-meaning friends. You’re constantly on edge, anxious and nervous all the time. You start to resemble Smeagol from Lord of the Rings, “my own, my precious.”
You retreat from your friends and loved ones: Deep down you know that your relationship is unhealthy and you need to end it, but you can’t because you’re addicted. You don’t want to hear the advice of your friends, because you’ve heard it before and it’s not what you want to hear, so you withdraw from them and other activities that you would normally engage in.
When a relationship is healthy and good for you – you aren’t doing any of these things. Trust, kindness, reciprocity and respect it’s all there – there’s no guess work.
When a man pulls away from a woman, when he acts like he can’t make up his mind, when he is disrespectful of her feelings and walks around like this is all ok, you have one course of action – you leave. Because if you are searching for clues that your guy actually wants to be with you and you’ve become obsessed, it’s already too late, your relationship is doomed and all you can expect is more heart ache in the future.
There is no sense sticking around waiting and hoping that he will change, or make up his mind. When a man wants a woman, he acts like it – not just when it suits him.
Understand that a Narcissist’s behavior is completely neurotic and if you continue to engage with them, your behavior becomes equally neurotic.
When you are doing things that are beneficial to your well-being you know it, because it feels good. So when your behavior starts to feel out of control, it’s time to give up the Narcissistic drug and kick your habit to the curb.
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Wow! This article sounds spot on with what I have been going through with an a supposed female friend for months. We have known each other for years more as casual friends but about a year ago we started to get a lot closer. For a couple of month she was texting, and calling me, virtually every day but then this pattern started where she will come at me hard for a week or two and then ghost me for a few days, being completely non-responsive to me. The moment I make the decision I am done another breadcrumb comes in the form of a text or phone call. And the crazy part is that when I dare to call her out on being non-responsive she acts like I am way out of line even though she expects me to “jump” the moment I get a text or call from her. All I can say is “done”
I hear ya loud and clear Thurman. I almost lost it all to a Narcissistic woman that threw it on me hard for 3 months. Then Ghosted me and breadcrumbed me.
Turns out she has a history of doing this and at 50 yrs. She still acts like she is in highschool. I barely got away from her. I feel sorry for the poor fool or fools that she is with today.
Remember the old saying. “A good fool is hard to find”……well not for a Narcissist, they can find them everywhere.
Spot on, I’ve been such a crazy person! I am an educated person, I own my home and I have a professional career, I know that he is a narcissist, yet I keep going back to him. I make the contact, I beg for him to stay with me, I apologise for every alleged wrongdoing. Tonight I over-stepped the boundaries of what I consider normal. Tonight I went to his house and I wanted to clear the air and talk. He locked the doors and refused to talk, I stayed and begged and pleaded with him. After he came at me with a stick, I drove home. His neighbours heard everything, and living in a small town, I work with them. Humiliating. It started off well, 6 years ago we met and together for just three until one night the verbal and emotional abuse got too much. He had gaslighted and gave me be silent treatment. I’d never experienced this before. I went completely out of control, ended up driving through his beloved garden. Took a four month break, and back to it again. Always me making the initial contact, not him. Why do I do this! On and off for three years, at one point we lived together, that ended up with me being beaten up, in front of my children (not his children). I dropped the charges, changed the condition on the domestic violence order. I supported this man financially, I got into a lot of debt which I am struggling to get on top of. He is always the one who says, by text message, that he is done. I always try to convince him that to stay with me, I’ll do what he wants- not allow my kids to use electronics, allow him to make the rules in my home, not go out with friends (not that I ever do anyway), stop smoking, make my kids move out when they turn 18 (they are currently 12 and 14), make my ex husband pay his child support , make my ex husband take the children for a few nights every week (I don’t have any control over the situation with my ex husband, he doesn’t pay child support and I can’t not do I want to force my children to stay at their dads). I never walk away, I never give up. I feel like I’m the narcissist. Even after tonight’s events, I still find myself unable to walk away. I know the pattern, he’ll ignore me for a few days and I’ll keep trying until he accepts my phone call or allows me to come for a visit. He won’t let me talk about how all this made me feel, if I want to be with him I’ll have to promise to change everything that he perceives to be wrong in my life. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but he doesn’t work, doesn’t pay his child support, doesn’t see his children and is an alcoholic. I want to get out of the pattern, but I can’t seem to let him go. We did have a year break last year, I actually started to feel good about myself again, started dating again, but then I contacted him again and we started seeing each other again, me with the intention of staying in control of myself and not letting it get too full-on, only to be caught up in the game playing once again. I feel like a fool. Been through this hundreds of times with this guy, why can’t I stay away?!
I read your story and just wanted to say I’m so so sorry for all the pain ! I haven’t had your exact situation, but all the feeling s and emotions you are feeling I have and still am experiencing! I trust you have been able to let that asshole go…I know it’s hard as hell!
I keep getting caught up in narcissistic men and I’m about had it with all men. I can’t seem to get away from them! I leave a narcissist and I know the warning signs so I try so hard to find “normal” guys and sure enough, yet another tool is revealed and I’m dealing with another narcissist. I’ve been wrapped up in about four over the past 12 years. I’m completely spent with depression and anxiety. YES, the detective work, the spying, the snooping, the stalking, the drive-bys, the phone games (no wifi, offline, battery dead, active on fb but won’t return texts). The browsing of CL personals and dating sites trying to catch them. The stalking on social media wondering why Susie and Jenny are swooning over MY so called man. The gaslighting, the stonewalling, the I can’t make up my mind games, the love bombing, the devalue, the silent treatments, the block and I’ll unblock you because you are no behaving like a good girl to triangulations and at the same time YOU ARE MY SOULMATE. I’M NOT LEAVING YOU NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU PUSH ME AWAY. To the marriage talks on writing vows together. It’s all a shitty game. A shitty game that I seem to be getting into guy after guy. I don’t ever want to date anymore. Fuck it. Done.
me too done
I read the article and I am all the signs of being in an unhealthy relationship. Then I read the comments and wow. I have been with my narcissist for 7 months and broke up 3 times. The first 3 months were great. He asked me to be his girlfriend the first date(after chatting online for a month). I was the one he was looking for his whole life. He was so hurt all the other ones left or cheated on him. He asked me to move up where he lives (we live 2 hours apart) after a month. I have caught him chatting with women to hook up 3 times. The last time I checked his phone and we didnt talk for a week. Then when he did he said my source was lying to me. I said I checked your phone then it was all about how he didnt trust me. He was always accusing me of cheating on him. I could tell when he was chatting with other women. He would not be as available and would get mad at me very easily. I am trying to break up with him again but it is hard. I Know in my head this is not what I want or how I want to leave and I definitely don’t want to move up there but he says it is all or nothing. The thought of never speaking to him again starts to make me panic even thought I know he is not good for me AT ALL! I pray I can finally go completely no contact and be done with him. I know when I think of moving up with him I get all kinds of panic but when I think about my life like I had planned before him I feel calmer. Why is it so hard?
So accurate! This is one of the better articles that I have read. Instead of always looking at the narcs behavior, look at your own, then I think you will get your answer!
I realized I had become obsessed with a stunningly attractive coworker who lovebombed me when we first met. Talk of soulmates, leaving our spouses for each other, etc. (She’s still one of the most physically attractive women I’ve ever met, but she obsesses over it.) Soon my status was less clear and the messages oscillated between expressions of love and mere “friendship” status. I became desperate for validation, which occurred intermittently, but never when I needed it the most (relationship anxiety caused by her emotional distance). In fact, the times when I felt most needy, which in a healthy relationship would result in reassurances, seemed to only provoke more contempt and cold-heartedness. After a year of unneeded anxiety in my life, I’ve gone completely No Contact (not easy since she works in my office). It’s been liberating and I feel like I’m in control of my life again. She still consumes many of my thoughts, but each day the intensity gets a little more faded and her power over me is gone.
I had left my Narcissist almost three years ago after he assaulted me. Charges were filed and everything. At the almost three year mark he contacted me. He told me how much he had learned from what happened. How much he has changed….blah…..blah….blah. I believed him. We started seeing each other again. At first things were great (of course right??). He was loving and attentive. As soon as I started letting my guard down by showing feelings for him he resorted to the same person I had known three years ago. He didn’t change at all! We ended up getting into a fight. I lashed out at him. He turned everything around to make it seem like I was needy and crazy, same as last time. I apologized via text over and over. (He wouldn’t answer my calls.) He never responded to one text. I then stopped and realized that I also had resorted to the same behavior as before. I went ahead and blocked him from social media and my phone, AGAIN! More for my protection so that I wouldn’t continue down this path. It has been almost two weeks since this all happened. I am thankfuk that this time around I didn’t waste another 4 years on him! It lasted 3 months this time. It has not been as hurtful as tgmhe first time but still not something I want to experience again. I had to forgive myself for making this mistake as I was really beating myself up. I had remind myself that I am not the problem, he is.
I am getting back on track with my life. I learned a valuable lesson, the hard way. I also have to tell myself that it is ok to love him from afar. I am thankful that at least I am capable of true love. That is something he will never experience as he is unable to, he cannot even love himself.
Moral of the story..relapse is real and it happens. Don’t beat yourself up. Learn from it, forgive yourself, and forgive your narcissist. I say forgive the narcissist because for me it is easier than carrying around all that anger. It may not work for all persons.
Wow, this makes me feel hopeful, I left after 5 years then relapsed and another 4 years, then left and relapsed now after another 5 years, three kids and total 14 years I have left for 30days now, new apartment and in therapy. I am praying I am gone for good.
Oh my god I honestly thought I was the only one but reading your comment you just told me my life back to me .
It’s reassuring to find a comment in this thread about a female narcissist, regardless of the writer’s gender.
After almost 4 years (not living together) she has recently made it clear to me I’ve been duped since day one.
I’ve been Stonewalled, Gas-lighted, Triangulated, Discarded, then Hoovered and Love Bombed 16 times during our 4 year relationship, each time for (allegedly) different reasons; most of them being faults in my lifestyle or personality.
It’s over now and I feel like I’ve been mentally arse-fucked but as you said, each day the intensity fades and her power lessens.
I just built up the courage to finally kick my addiction to the curb. I met this sorry excuse of a man seven months ago. He immediately turned on the charm, and my very high walls came crashing down. I opened up to him about being faced with the news of my mom having cancer, and I hadn’t yet grieved the news, until I opened up to him about it. He of course saw this as an opportunity, and took full advantage of me. I was in school and working two jobs, while he hardly could keep a part time job as a bar keep. He was ex military, and played the card of not returning from his tours in the same shape he left in. He told me he had PTSD, and also had been married four times, with three children. He had married the same woman twice, because they just couldn’t live without each other….He made me believe that the women from his past were all vindictive, and that he was this great father and that they just were trying to rake him over the coals because things went south. We were together three months before we were basically living together, either me and his place or him at mine…It was about a month and a half ago that I found out he had been seeing hi ex from last year…the whole time. She reached out to me on social media, and I somehow knew the whole time. I hung on every word this man said to me, and believed that he was just that great and had been dealt a rough hand…I of course tried to stick it out and see past it, until I found out this has been his entire life. He promised me he would change and that he loved me, was in love with me and that I mattered. Oddly enough, after I found out about his exploits, the affection and the communication became less and less. Finally, I just couldn’t take it any longer. I had by now met his two beautiful children, and was soon to meet his third. I just couldn’t do it anymore…I was paying his bills, and taking care of his children and being a rent-a-mom…It was both the most fulfilling and heartbreaking thing I have had to endure in a relationship…I tried everything to make this man happy, for him to acknowledge me and just choose me. I even begged for that when I found out about the other woman..I have since turned into a person I don’t even recognize. The light in my eyes has since disappeared, and I have lost all respect for myself. I feel very insignificant, and like there is no end in sight. I rack my brain daily trying to find answers to the never ending questions I have…I still wait for him to contact me and tell me he is sorry and that he was stupid and wants me back…The sad part is, I would undoubtedly take him back and hope and pray for change, but in my heart of hearts I know he isn’t capable of the things I want so much to have with him. So now, I wait for the storm in my head to pass, and hope I don’t toss anchor and subject myself to this torture for more time than is needed to heal.
I can relate to so much of what you’re going through. I met a man who poured on the flattery and acts of love and affirmation for the first few months (when I most certainly was not even looking for someone). He, too, was ex military and liked to be known and respected for his time deployed but maintained he probably had PTSD.
I resisted his requests to be together for a while and then I fell for it….all of it. The facade that he wanted me to believe in is exactly what I fell for. He had been married 3 times but all of the relationship failures were the other women’s faults.
Only after a few months of falling deeply for him did he turn off his charm and become inconsistent and unpredictable. I never knew what I’d get from him and it became less and less. He was emotionally unavailable the minute I caved and gave him the physical and emotional attention he was looking for. I was a conquest and became insignificant but constantly trying to prove I was worthy of his love/time/attention. Just as the article said, he created distance. And the more he put between us the more I tried to win him over. Occasionally he would dangle some attention and I would melt and think “he really does love me” and kick myself for second guessing him. But the clencher is when he would say “I give you what I can” and expect it should be enough or “it’s sad you need more” all while he was living another life with another family. I would have given the moon to and for him. I finally stood up for myself and said “I need more” and we haven’t spoken in 3 days. I feel like an addict because I have to count time away from him in minutes right now. I hope I can survive the storm in my head and forgive myself for not seeing it and allowing someone so selfish and hurtful in to my selective circle.
SMH. This article is powerful and spot on. Never would have believed I would have gotten myself into what I did – but. I did. And the pain of getting out of it is horrible, sad and worth it. It is upsetting that so many people experience this and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Yet I am thankful to not be alone. And there are so many resources for help once the decision is made to break free of it, to believe in the other side. A healthier, better side… that’s what I keep telling myself. Just want my life back.
Wow….I am laying in bed now crying after reading this article. While he is sleeping on the couch. The silent treatment…again! Which means he’s back talking/hooking up with women. We’ve been together almost 5 years. We met in Va while he was stationed in the navy. He asked me to move in with him two weeks after meeting him. I was head over heels, so I did. It started right away. He would cause me of cheating every time I left the house. I was constantly being told I wasn’t doing something right or that I didn’t love him.he constantly needed attention. I blew it all off as him just having issues from his previous relationship. He had just gotten divorced because he said he caught his ex cheating lol. He made me feel like if I just did this or did that things would be perfect. So I tried. He told me he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. I got pregnant. That’s when he really pulled away from me. He’s an alcoholic. So he would stay up drinking all night and sleep on the couch. One night I decided to go through his phone for the first time. And what I found broke me heart! Dating sites, Craigslist, old gfs. He always has to contact women from his past to to keep them interested. Get attention to fuel his ego. And the funny thing about it is. The women aren’t very attractive. He likes the attention he gets from women who think wow this attractive guy is interested in me. Well needles to say he gave me a line and a few fake tears and I stayed. when I was pregnant with our second child he got kicked out the military, we were living in a hotel. We moved to IL where he was from when I was 9 months preg and things just went to hell after that. I’m a stay at home mom. We have one vehicle. I’m in this house 24/7 while he comes and goes as he pleases. I would cry, begging him to stay home and spend time with me. And he would just tell me to move so he could leave. I’m stuck Taking his mental and emotional abuse! Him throwing women in my face and every time he cheats it’s my fault. I’m always worried about saying something wrong. I can’t even make friends cause I know that will cause more problems. He’s beatn me down. It has driven me insane! I had what I think could only be described as a nervous break down. I need to get my kids and I away from this evil man! I’m not myself. I literally feel dead inside! I know once I do leave he’s going to make me look terrible to everyone. Worse then he already does! Hes so good at lying and manipulating. I want so bad to prove to everyone that he is sick!!!! But then I’ll just be the crazy ex gf! Lol thank you for these articles. Now I know I’m not the crazy one!
Thank You for all sharing your great articles. I am an educated professional woman. Who was a victim of a narcissist. what was I thinking. I was wife number 4. There was a baby momma in there as well. I did not even understand how complex of the control was until I had to conduct on investigation of finding out he had a domestic charge and used steroids. Which was difficult because he is in the law enforcement. The silent treatment was the worst. I was always being punished for something. But of course I was his “soul mate” so I thought I did something wrong. After I left I doubted so much of myself. It was even worse with the smear campaign, and the lies he made up about me. Usually I am pretty smart, but I believed all the happily ever after. After months of angst and no contact. The lies began again. I soon started to feel the same way I did a year ago. Reality hit me in the face. It is a vicious cycle for them. They move from one victim to another. They say we are the only one. I don’t even know what love feels like anymore because it has been so convulouded with lies, lies, lies, lies, lies and manipulation. I am so hesitate to trust anything. Anyone reading this article, knows how devastating allowing someone in your heart like this is. It is life changing. We catch ourselves believing the lies again then wake up to reality before its too late again. We are warriors to survive. I will never understand how I am smart and have common sense, how I allowed someone to complete heartbreak me, financially devastate, try to ruin me, try to manipulate that I was the one over and over. I allowed my love and weakness to still have empathy. Well through the Warriors of Women and the grace of god; I can have a voice to others!!! Thank You all for the power in sharing! I can relate to all of you….. Warriors of Women heal together.
I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this site. I balled my eyes out when I read this article.
WHAT AN EYE OPENER
Because of you I am stronger today.
I am so confused by all this.maybe someone can help.I met someone online and fell hook line and sinker for him and he told me he felt the same.wanted a fresh start away from the states and would come here and love in Scotland.wanted a kid and happy ever after.had told me he was a victim of his exes who has treated him so poorly and all he wanted was a good woman and I was the love of his life.now before you say it no I ain’t no idiot.intelligent with grown up kids and independent and trusted his word yet here I am still holding on after a year even though he has told me he hates me wishes me dead and wants nothing to do with me and why????because I found out he was being over friendly with other women and caught him out and he went mental.hates detective women he said.can’t trust me he also said.ignores me when it suits him kinda like clicks his fingers I go running and I need help to stop.I check my phone constantly and won’t accept compliments from any other man as I feel I’ll let him down.he out so much effort in and now nothing.help
I have just walked away from what I think is a narcissist.
He was separated from his wife and had 3 children.
He left me feeling like I was not good enough to meet his children.
He only wanted me when I was fun and excitable to be around and when times got hard I needed him and he began to change
What scared me about him was his complete lack of empathy- we would argue and before resolving it he goes to bed and I would be left insomniac unable to sleep. This would happen on a few occasions and I would find it shocking how you can just go to sleep whilst your gf is upset.
I told him I didn’t want to meet him the next day as I don’t trust him with my emotion, he eventually persuaded me to and I met him and he says no mention of what happened but all he does is talk about his interview he was preparing for – a CEO position and talk about him, him, him- it was me who had to bring the stuff up before bed and he didn’t have much to say and went to bed instead. It was me always trying to work through our relationship stuff constantly.
His lack of empathy has been demonstrated on a number of occasions: the going to bed whilst I am hurt, telling me ‘YOU’RE ALWAYS HAVING DRAMA’ when I have problems- actual problems- this would made me feel like an incredibly mess and like I’m a dysfunctional human being or something. Once I told had enough and told him I will never come to you with my issues again as I don’t trust you with my emotions again.
He would describe me having problems such as failing a test or losing close freinds, depressed, as being on ‘a rollercoaster ride with me.’ when in fact I had the worst year of my life and never felt so low in my life- was having counselling thus understandably i’m not going to be the fun, bubbly outgoing person usually am.
I got admitted to A and E with chest pains because I was so anxious at one point and he never sent me a card or flowers or visited me- I was so lonely and hurt and was in A and E for two days. I’m usually very fit and active and young 25 year old woman.
I endured a lot of lonely weekends where he wouldn’t visit me and when I broke it off with him the first time it was because I thought where the hell is my BF when I need him at my lowest point- I had recently moved to a new city you see and didn’t know anyone at that point. I recall him saying you ‘expect me to drop my kids just to visit you-sorry I would never do that.’ Its the way he was uncapable of understanding the pain I went through that got me and being so outwrightly arrogant thinking I was making him choose between him and the children or something.
Theres a few occasions where this lack of empathy would completley shun me so people be aware if there is a lack of empathy that you feel is pathological and not because the man is emotionally abit shit but tries DO NOT IGNORE IT as this can really destroy you and you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them.
He would never introduce me to his family or freinds and kept a private fb account. I began having to snoop around for information and then found he was keeping alot from me and big things from me such as selling his house. This was 4 months before we broke up a second time. When I confronted him about it most recently he said ‘ I knew we were drifting apart and I didn’t want to move in with you’ . Completely disgusting and hideous behaviour. I told him you are a very deceptive person and the fact you carried on leading me and making me feel like theres hope when in fact there is none is astounding. I told him we got back together under the premise things would change and we were looking to make changes.
Another thing I noticed about him is he talks negatively about his family members and never shares their good news only their bad news. He would say oh my cousin and so got married only because they thought she was pregnant.’ and X and Y have been arguing lots. When I go on fb I find that X and Y have recently got engaged. He hides alot of information away from me and i share everything with him. He’s just a very negative person and can’t seem to be happy for anyone.
Another massive thing is he would talk about himself an awful lot and at point I said ‘i’ve just been listening for an hour’ and he was like no no thats us getting to know one another again. He would love to talk about his promotions, his clothes and him ALOT and barely knew much about me.
Funny how when I was looking amazing, feeling amazing, had a job, university, more freinds then I knew what to do with, joined societies and had a full-life he couldn’t get enough of me. When i lost these things because my cirumstances had changed and I had to move around and didn’t have a full life he soon started to tire. Sorry but a true partner holds on through the good and bad and not only when life is good.
I know I’m going to have a full life again and will bounce back but this time he will be out of my life for good and he’ll never have the opportunity to break me again and make me feel like I’m not good enough to meet his family and friends. Don’t let any man be a driver in a relationship and you lean on him so much so that everything is on his terms. You should be a co-driver and be an equal. Also behaviour that leaves you confused and just thinking what the hell or friends and family don’t understand it and you’re just left feeling so uneasy please go seek a relationship therapist. Don’t be stuck in an unhappy relationship because I’ve noticed people with big hearts and care a lot can easily get trodden on, used and spitted out so please don’t leave any man leave you feeling an empty shell of yourself or question your kind, lovely self. You deserve better and deserve an equal. Life is too short and don’t waste the next decade of your life stuck when you saw the red flags but couldn’t have the courage to leave. Please seek therapy if any red flags appear even if you are unsure about leaving your relationship- he doesn’t have to know why you are going to therapy.
I have one like this. It’s been over a year. We have both banished each other from our lives. Restraining order threats. Often when I left him alone, he would come back into my life. Once he saw me walking, the other time at a store, an “accidental” text. other times I just asked him if we were “cool,” other times I wanted to talk about things. This lat time he came back and shared feelings and I felt really appreciated. Well somehow I did something wrong and he screamed bloody murder at me. I was so freaked out I told him never to contact me again. Then after I cooled off, I tried getting in touch, he’s just ignored me. I sent a last text saying I want an apology. Then if I don’t hear from him in a couple days I’m cutting him out. No apologies, whatsoever, for screaming bloody murder like a maniac. I held the phone away from m ear and it went on for at least 60 seconds until I hung up. I didn’t do anything wrong, in fact I hadn’t even talked to him in 3 days. Apparently he misunderstood a text i wrote about seeing him. No apology, no dice. I don’t know why he keeps coming around. Maybe he’s ignoring me because has another girl. Who knows. This has gone on long enough, and I cried for the 2nd time about him. I will get satisfaction either way. An apology will show he cares, and cutting him out will be the end of that.
I’m still sort of being hoovered and I don’t know why a part of me is falling for it on some level again.
I won’t let him back in my house because while he lived here for two years he smashed my bathroom door to get to me and choked me because I ran away from him while he was being verbally abusive and threatening.
He hit me in the face just before Christmas last year and I had a black eye and swollen and black lip for the festive period. His temper got scary at times. And I have said my home is a place of peace and so he is no longer allowed in it. However I am letting him take me to dinner Once a week, and he talks to me everyday on Whatsapp, as if we are still together. With kind and loving words. It’s keeping me hooked in. And I’m still scared that maybe he is changing for the better like he says he is. And if I let him go completely he will give his best to the next girl and all my investment will be to waste for me. I’ve taught him the way to being a better man, I’ve endured the suffering to get him there. And if he is better why should someone else benefit from all my suffering?
He now lives with his mom and says he won’t commit to me until he knows he won’t hurt me again. He was obsessed with porn and it broke my self esteem into a million pieces. He sexted a girl and they planned to meet . I’ll never know if they did actually meet.
He also sexted with his female friend in London for Weeks if not months. He used to move out of my home every two weeks after causing a massive fight losing his temper and then packing up his stuff and storming out.
He says he’s stopped the porn and sexting.
He isn’t sure he can stop the irrational Behaviour of running away if he is upset though. This lead to abandonnent issues in me and betrayal issues of course.
I have no idea why this time I am almost believing that he has finally grown up and possibly changed.
“And Narcissists don’t want close – they want distance.”
This sentence gave me a lot of insight…
Considering how he has positioned himself and our relationship now.
He lives 60kms away at his mothers farm.
And he seems happier than ever. No pressure to get work, washing is done for him, food is cooked. He can sleep late. Take a run when he wants to, and chat me up whenever he feels he needs some attention. I’m sure I’m not the only one he is chatting up.
I have no idea why I am not able to muster up the strength to just shut the door and go no contact. 🙁
‘When a man pulls away from a woman, when he acts like he can’t make up his mind, when he is disrespectful of her feelings and walks around like this is all ok, you have one course of action – you leave. Because if you are searching for clues that your guy actually wants to be with you and you’ve become obsessed, it’s already too late, your relationship is doomed and all you can expect is more heart ache in the future.’
I’ve been reading everything I can on being with a narcissist and what to do about it, and this is the clearest, simplest summation of the situation I’ve seen. Thank you!
What if you confronted him and the OW? Will he try to hoover?
He always has in the past when we had arguments.
I have ended my relationship a month ago., after 6years. I am keeping No Contact. In the last hour he has contacted me with 12 texts, 4 phonecalls , emails with you tube links and whatsapp messages.! Sometimes it gets to 200 txts in a day!!
I had emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse and all the blaming , shaming, slandering, betrayel and i am now trying to recover from this.
I am strong….i am caring, loving, and a wonderful woman that has been treated so badly by a man i believed loved me and i loved back.! The reality today is hard to swallow. His love didnt exist and our relationship was fake. Its hard but i willl get through this. I am so so grateful for these pages to keep me strong . Thankyou
Great article- thank you!
Yep i exhibited almost all of this behavior. I’m really trying very hard to forgive myself and not be too hard on myself for falling for all of his crap. But it is hard and I’m pretty disgusted with myself for putting up with his craziness. He never pulled away from me so i can’t relate to that, but his need for women to want him was HUGE. He was on multiple dating sites, phone constantly going off. I hated his phone so much. And hated myself for snooping. He had sex with his sons wife. Disgusting. He had an older woman that he had been friends with for 20 years. She couldn’t know about me though as she was older and “sensitive” and he worried she would be upset. She gave him a lot of money and bailed him out of financial problems. I really can’t believe i bought all the BS. The effort he would go through to have women fall in love with him was incredible and how he would never be guilty of doing anything to encourage them. According to him, he was just friendly and if they read something into that or misinterpreted him that was on them, he did nothing. I’m so disgusted by him. Do not find him attractive at all, have no love for him at all. No contact is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Wish it could have come sooner.
6 years in a relationship with me & my thoughts. He was just a figment of my imagination. And quite a monstrous one at that.
I have been in a toxic relationship for about 15 years. I feel as though life has been a torture chamber. I have given en him my best years, my youth, my physical beauty. And for what? I have tried to make him see that I am worth loving. But there is always one more hoop. Before realizing that there was a name for what he is (that could be said in front of children) I had said to myself, “I’m crazy. I’m acting like how I imagine drug addicts do.” I wish there was a “witness protection” type of option for the walking-wounded.
Great article. I try to read it every day. I have been in a relationship with a narcissistic woman for 8 years. I contributed to many of the problems with our relationship early on, so it was hard for me to identify with her narcissistic traits back then. Over the last two years, they have truly come to the forefront. We were both married when our relationship started. I got divorced in the third year of our relationship. She is STILL married today. She has cheated on me and lied to me incessantly. Over the last two years, I have tried my hardest to salvage the relationship, only to have her continue with her narcissistic traits: no empathy, no closure, lies, dishonesty, disrespect, victimology, and absolutely no accountability at all. I have become addicted to her and do virtually all of the behaviors listed above. No contact is my goal, but I still struggle blocking her phone number. The struggle continues.
This is surely written about me? Haha! and I’m horrified at myself when I look back on how I behaved. Shocking what they can do to an otherwise reasonably intelligent, independent woman!
Another great post! This website has been so helpful and comforting; it’s great to discover i am not alone!
more questions for anyone out there:
1) do you think that all men/women who pull away are narcissists?
2) do healthy men/women take some time to reevaluate their feelings and investment in relationships?
2a) if so, how best would you recommend distinguishing the difference between a healthy pulling away and that of a narcissist?
I’m not sure what healthy pulling away is. Someone might pull away because they realize that their bf/gf is not the one for them and they end it shortly after that realization. A committed man doesn’t pull away. He may have some me time once in a while, but he’s always available and not shutting anyone out. If someone is constantly pulling away from you, it means they are not fully committed and they are on the fence about the relationship. The criteria for Narcissistic personality disorder is in the DSM 4 – it takes more than pulling away for a person to be given a diagnosis.
I have read just about every article and book on Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the hopes I can understand what has happened in my 6-year relationship. I’m still not completely sure. My N is not physically abusive. He also has a PHD and has held a job the entire time we have been together. I think he is more of a Cerebral Narcissist although he has Somatic traits too.
Our relationship started out wonderfully like most do. He lavished me with attention, made me feel like I had lucked out meeting this incredibly handsome man who is so much fun. Looking back there were a few things he said early on that made me go “huh?!” such as at about month 4 he said “I want to love you” as if it was something he was desperately trying to do but was unable to do. Of course that was quickly forgotten with all of the “I love you’s” that followed. I started to see a cycle forming where about every 2 months he would back off, get moody and start being really detached. This is when I noticed him starting to check out other women more and more when we were out together. He would always deny it like I was making it up. I would get mad and we would get past it. Then we would be close again. Again and again. The thing about the behavior is that it was so slight, these little things that it seemed like they weren’t such a big deal in the big picture of our relationship. I let a lot of things go that bothered me because those things occupied about 20% of us and the other 80% was awesome.
I’m a pretty independent woman and so for the first year and a half we saw each other a few days a week but I always kept my life in tact and my distance. At that point my N was looking for a better job here in Chicago and was having a difficult time. He was absolutely depressed. I am from NYC and we decided to move there together for a great job on Wall Street. Once we were living together that is when the full on Narcissistic behavior was unable to be missed. He found a job right away and I was having a hard time finding one. He didn’t want to help me or be supportive other than saying “I really hope you find a job”. I spent a lot of time at home by myself during the beginning before I did find a job and he was less than understanding. I really worked my butt off during that time to get it together despite my financial setback and to keep the relationship good.
The main things he started with once living together were- He started to just blatantly ignore me when I would ask him a question. He would get quiet like he was thinking of a response but then just wouldn’t answer me. He would go thru stages where he would distance himself from me and hardly talk to me at all. This slowly began a cycle starting with us being great. Then he would get moody and detached. He would then start going out with friends from work a lot more.Then he would start to distance himself by sleeping on the couch every night. And acting like he couldn’t be bothered with me. He would sit up for hours on the computer but wouldn’t want to spend any time with me and if we did do something he acted like it was a chore. During this part of the cycle he would only get close to me again if he wanted sex although he was generally okay to not have sex with me for a few weeks at a time and just do his own thing if you know what I mean.Then he would find some crazy reason to break up with me.
When I finally had enough and was ready to pack my bags (each time) he would start being nice again. Being sweet, going out together a lot more, etc. I think over our time in NY he broke up with me 5 or 6 times in a three year span. Another thing to note is when we “broke up” was the only time he was open and would communicate with me because we were already “broken up”. Never when we were “together” would he have an adult conversation about how he felt. Ever. During this time I also became a full on detective. I learned how to hack, for real. It started when I found his journal saying how I wasn’t good enough for him and how he wanted a woman who was independent. I was that before this guy made me pack everything I own, leave my Chicago apt I loved and moved states away for his career. I began looking at email history searches and boy did I find so much. He had a thing for some girl he was working with. Of course. Once I found out he had met some girl in a bar and made out with her (or whatever) while I was having surgery out of state, I was done. He did the whole thing where he said he would do anything to keep me. He told me everything about what he had done regarding other women, etc. During all of these years he refused to get engaged and me packing up over this news spurred him to propose to me. It was so halfhearted. But of course I accepted the pathetic crumbs of his proposal under one condition- IF we moved back to Chicago. It just so happened his entire department was let go a few weeks later otherwise I am sure he would have never moved back with me.
Fast forward but that lasted 6 months once back in Chicago. He broke off the engagement. I found “what happens to the other man in an affair” in his search among other gems. He blew it off saying he didn’t know why he was searching those things. So I moved out and he moved back into his apartment we had in the first year. I went No Contact for about 6 weeks before we started talking again. Now he not only broke off our engagement and was living on his own, he could see me whenever he wanted. I basically have been settling for the tiniest specks of crumbs. There is so much more but this is just a comments section so I’m going to stop here. I understand the hot and cold. The many breakups. The silences. All of his female friends. The fact that he believes he is smarter than most everyone and is in upper class of intellectuals in life. And the big one is that he has absolutely zero empathy for others. Pay attention to that one. Just because your N doesn’t beat you or live off you financially doesn’t mean you’re not dealing with the same thing. My N always had a big issue with the amount of money I made. I had one job that paid a huge salary and while I had that job was the only time he tried to put on a good front. People are different and generally lean to one (emotional or physical) abuse although sometimes both. It is so slight that it all adds up to abuse but it’s not always in your face. That’s how they slowly break us down. We would run if it were over the top.
I’m thankful that finally I understand what’s been going on…5 years into a relationship and 2 of them have been exactly as you described. What I realize now is that the first three years it was happening, but I was in the dark about the cycles. I recently found out he had been boomeranging back to an ex-girlfriend..,probably six months into our relationship! The thousands of lies, manipulation, blaming me for his behaviors, and his need to be “worshipped” pretty much sums up the lack of honesty, integrity and respect this man shows women. I was even involved in several “threesomes” without my knowledge. Two of the women ran back to their therapist. A third woman, a detective, said she was too healthy for his behavior and pegged him as narcissist 2 months in. Of course he ran back to me. He told three women within a year that he was in love with them, but told me he loved me deep down but a resentment towards me kept him turning away. He lures these women in with great passion and shares his family with them immediately and gets all the children involved. They hesitate, but feel like they found the man of their dreams and they feel special that he wants to share his world with them. He told them all that his ex-girlfriend (me) was a psycho stalker! And at that point I was acting like one! I found out I was in the middle of a threesome and pull straight into his driveway with another woman at his house… She was doing his laundry and her pajamas. He had just taken me away for a weekend the week before. He looked and acted like a vicious animal caught in a trap. She forgave him. Few weeks later we hooked up and had an amazing night together and he told me how miserable he was in his relationship with her. She was waiting for him to come home in the morning and ended up slapping him a couple of times and he had scratches across his face. Her young daughters told her that he was not allowed back in their home! What’s even crazier is that I believed him. He has a 15-year-old son and I have a 16-year-old son who are both affected. As a parent, we need to make sure that we bring honest, trustworthy and respectable people into our children’s lives. We are there protector, and they learn about relationships from our own behaviors. His son has formed close relationships with these other women and their children, only to be ripped out of his life at a days notice. I have not shared very much with my son, but he is intuitive enough to know that I’ve been an emotional pain off and on for two years. One night my son and I were eating sushi at a local restaurant, and I was telling him that I had just been out with this guy on Saturday and wanted to let him know I was spending time with him again. The restaurant was crowded and people were waiting for a table. Next thing I knew I recognized rhe man’s ugly shirt leaning against our booth. It was my narcissist with another woman kissing on her, obviously not a first date! I called his name, he turned around in shock, and I told him to sit on the other side of the restaurant… They left obviously. He told that woman, “that was my psycho ex-girlfriend.” These cycles lasted about 3 to 6 weeks. Then he would kiss me goodbye one day and turn completely cold. A few days later I’d find him on a dating site.
There is no hope for a human being that is for aid of basic emotions. He is lacking things we learned in kindergarten. As time has gone on, he seems to worsen. He said he does not have a soul and cannot look at himself in the mirror. In the next day he’s puffing his chest up selling himself as a business owner and boat Captain. Who cares what you do for a living when you’re a complete scumbag!
I’m grateful for this website and thankful that I understand what has been going on. Only a few weeks into no contact, but people are commenting on how different and peaceful I seem and have been asking me what’s new in my life…, like I’ve gained something… But really I lost something….that ball and chain of disgusting and despicable lifestyle! I always miss his family, but after conversations with his stepmom, she said we don’t need him to continue our beautiful relationship. She told me they love me and I am welcome in their home and we will have lunch and keep in contact. I’ll give that some time, because I need to create a big distance first and she understands that.
This is me spot on…holy cow. He wouldn’t commit…he saw me when it was convenient for him. Came on strong & acted like we were a couple then a day later is ignoring me and making excuses why he can’t see me. It is a downward spiral and we get in another argument and he ignores me until I apologize, when I do he is even more degrading and disrespectful than before. He will throw me breadcrumbs in the form of a text or a pic and I get so excited. He makes all these plans but never follows through… We should do this or that etc. I become obsessed with him because he backs off and stops texting..saying I cause drama. Then I feel totally lost & broken.
This explains it all to a T.
I was in a relationship with one for 8 months and this article unfortunately described my behavior to a tee. I had never met anyone like him and never want to again! It was a long distance relationship but we did see each other on occasion. Last year in November his long term girlfriend found me and together we were able to start piecing an ugly picture together. He of course blamed me for everything because nothing was his fault. He told her that although he said he loved me that he was lying. He almost destroyed me and when I decided to fight fire with fire (never a good idea) he decided then to apologize. It was all a lie from the love to the apology and everything in between. He then told her that I was “crazy!” Yeah I was by that point I am sure but I wonder who drove me to that point. I have finally gotten myself somewhat back together and have been almost 5 months no contact and I guess in my case it helps that he stays silent too. I feel so sorry for anyone who has a run in with a narcissists be it male/female. Good luck to you all!
I think I am with a N and after 1 and a half year just recently i feel the love i had for him is fading. He picks thinngs at me almost every other day. I have to mention that we are in a long distant relationship in two different countries in western europe. But despite that we managed to keep the relationship and have everyday contact and see eachother every month and sometimes twice a month. I’ve read most of the comments above and i can identify most of it with my own current relationship. Recent days he told me jokingly that “you will never leave because i know how to control you, its enough for me snap my fingers and you will be there” And i was thinking yeah that was when i was madly in love with you and so scared of loosing you, and you would break up with me every other day and leave me in pain and despression just to come back some hours later and ask if i will appologize now (for something i didnt do) or will i behave now and agree with everything he says! I would never appologizie because i never did or said anything he didnt even let me talk before he would hang up the phone on me or close the computer if we were on facetime. He plans a future with me and wants to marry me but honestly i can see how everyone here with so many years of being with a N have been abused and emotionally tortured it freaks me out! I still love him but this love refers to the man that i first met and fell madly in love with. Now after being in a constant roller coaster of emotions and heartbreaks and mistreated i am gratually loosing my love.. I dont know maybe one day soon I ‘llbe on my own and starting to get back to myself and regain my life the way i used to have it before i met him.
Hi. I’m presently on week 1 of silent treatment for the nth time in our 8mos long LDR. I first read about N traits, NPD when I was given the silent treatment for a month and wondered why is the supposed love of my life resorting to this kind of abuse. My gut and intuition have been telling me he was too good to be true but I was and still am in denial. How did the long-term gf contact you and how did you react? I’m thinking of contacting his ex (if she’s even an ex at all) to give evidence to my suspicions.
I knew there was something mentally wrong with my ex. He showed some traits of a Narc but I wasn’t really sure. He showered me with his attention at first, but he never really gave me what I needed. Always dangled his love like it was a prize I had to win and God forbid he would compliment me or make me feel worthy, but not quite putting me down either. 16 years he pushed me off and pulled me back. He rarely rages but when he does it’s vicious and usually over something as trivial as water spots on the floor. He lies needlessly. Worst of all he seems to get pleasure out of hurting me. The last time we got back together he begged, wrote a 6 page letter of apology promising to be the man I deserve. In less than a year he was back to his old ways. He drove me crazy with a female that was just a friend supposedly. She would text him all the time, ask him to hang out all the time and he swore he wasn’t. He claimed to have standards as she is not a very attractive woman and then he hired her to help him with his business. As soon as he admitted that we were over. When confronted he told me he never loved me and would rather commit suicide then be stuck with me. Guess who he is now sleeping with? I think he would rather be with someone he can feel superior to. I don’t think he was cheating but typical for him to go to the woman who was the main source of my anxiety after we were over. This article is me to a T. It helps me confirm what he really is. Thank you.
Wow! This is so me! Eyeopener!
This was my past relationship. I became someone I knew I wasn’t. The sweet, quiet and loving girl became the anxious, snooping and drama queen. I’m out of it. He is on to a new target but finds reasons to contact me about every 6 weeks. He gets ignored of course but it still messes with me for a couple of days after he makes contact. I truly loved him.
My ex is a narc I’m sure of it! We share 2 children together so I’m not completely free of him!
I’d like to know why they still feel the need to contact you eith meaningless emails! I get the odd YouTube link with a song or pics that make no sense! He’s with a new love that he moved in pretty quick! I knew he’d moved on cuz he went quite for a while but recently sends me stuff!
He does this Lou because he needs to have options. He needs to know that he can a) still get supply from you and b) if his new fling doesn’t work out, he still has you as an option.
WOW!!!! This is so me. I fit all the criteria. I even put a tracking device in her car. I have removed it because I have somewhat come to my senses. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still terribly addicted to her but I’m reigning in the craziness. I know it’s wrong, but this drug is near impossible to kick. I know I need to leave, but until the house sells we are stuck living together. Hopefully we split this summer. Wish me luck.
I am very grateful for this blog. It is truly helping me to heal faster. Thank you. <3
Good lord, I fit almost all this criteria. Especially the detective part as she was constantly hiding emails and texts with other men, to the point where I went through her phone multiple times a week and her email, even at times driving to her work to make sure she went cause she lied several times about that too.
I am male, and I still had these behaviors from being with a narc female,,like a drug addict trying to convince her I love her and im worthy, playing detective,,even lashing back at her when she went in rages, she wound up turning me somewhat into her.
Thank you so much for this… I have had my suspicions about my ex being a narc for some time, but as always, I always have it another chance. Hoping I was wrong. Sadly, In The meantime he was able to wear me down to this, and now he and his harem are to portray me as a psycho stalker. And to some extent I was starting to believe it. This post has helped me so much you have no idea. It have me my confidence back. I know now it was not the real me. It’s been him all along. This post has made it easy for me to stay no contact. Thank you so much for this!
Thank you I have been going through this for the past 3 yrs. But the last year has been off and on, I’m addicted to him and need to break it off perminently. Not only that but he is also a sexual predator.
Thanks for this web site. This article has especially hit home for me. So much damage has been done by me getting caught up in a relationship with a narcissist. The part where you talk about acting nuts was very true: because of his erratic and confusing behavior I started to act out, since I KNEW that I had to express myself, yet no matter what I said or did was attacked, and I ended up just coming across very not like the person I know myself to be. And of course that would fuel his attitude that I was crazy and not normal. But he never thought that we both contributed to that dynamic–it was all me.
And for the longest time it bothered me that I was behaving that way when I would feel so confused and helpless, getting mad, being rude…and I remember thinking and even writing to a friend: “I have never had these experiences before with anybody! I don’t understand it.”
But after reading this, I can see that yes it was me acting in ways that were not me, but I can also see that there was, at those times, no other way to be.
Right now I vacillate between hating him and wishing he would say he wants me back. It’s crazy, but that’s the addicted part of me I know, that wants him back.
But there is another aspect for me that I am still struggling to understand, and would appreciate any feedback:
Why do I doubt myself so much here? Why do I still think, oh, maybe he’s right–I really am crazy and he must have been the healthy one to break it off because I was so bad. And of course on some days I can see clearly and other days I get so fearful and sad and think, if only I had done what he wanted. But, I know that it didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, or say–he would have found another thing to criticize.
Part of me is so angry with myself for not taking care of myself, for ignoring all the red flags I had along the way, and part of me is so sad because he is not in my life.
This is making me crazy! I know that things are better for me than when he kicked me out, but I do feel so fragile.
Thanks again for this site.
I can help only by saying you are not alone. I am going through the exact same emotions. It’s not pretty. I once read that quiting a narc is like quiting cigarettes or alcohol. You will sorely miss it but you can never give in. We are not the crazy ones. They are. Remember, they are not normal, they are missing emotions that normal people have. They are incapable of them, not just hiding them. They are not like you or me. Good luck.
This has been me the past 1,5 years.. Horrible…
Omg this is the story of my life for the past two years. I ended up so lost so isolated & hating myself because I believed all the bad things he told me about who I was were true . After the last time he dumped me by going silent & ignoring me for approx 4 weeks I wouldn’t take him back so he just kept telling me to die & that he had been using me as a time waster whilst bored for the last two years ( intermitantly between the others ) I considered his request seriously but thankfully due to great friends & blogs like this I am moving on & although sadly not interested in another relationship ever I am getting happier daily .. It’s two months now since I saw him last & I am starting to live again ., thank you & good luck & god bless you all . 🙂 xxxx
This is me. I’ve hacked his email, his cellular website, even hacked his google pgae, so I could see his web history. I could have written this article. He has utterly destroyed me. This person who has done all of this is not me. This is the result of 15 years on and off of letting him and saying goodbye, only to let him again. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted on a fantasy. I thought (at first) that he loved me. Thank you for your website, I visit it almost everyday. Every post has spoken to me and has given me the daily strength to once and for all say goodbye and find myself again.
Brilliant, love it! I can totally relate to the neurotic behavior triggering the same. My question for myself was always, “Damn, am I such an addict???” I was but I am not anymore but I sure wish personality disorders were more well known. For at least a year, I knew that something was dreadfully wrong but I had no guidelines…is he a love avoidant, just a disfunctional addict? When I read about narcissistic personality disorder for the first time and the idealize, devalue, discard cycle, I was ashamed. I felt like a genuinely good hearted dummy. Lights went on and I finally gound the exit door!
LIVE YOUR DASH DONT LET THESE SICK PEOPLE DRAIN YOU PULL YOU DOWN AND SEND YOU TO AN EARLY GRAVE.GIVE YOUR TIME TO THOSE THAT LOVE AND NEED YOU AND BY GOD TO YOUR SELF IM LEARNING THANK GOD FOR REVELATION, IM O LONGER BLIND I CAN SEE DONE
Thank you so much for your entries. I have just been dumped by my fiance of two years over the phone as I was packing my car with boxes to move across state for him, only to find he is on dating sites already active and seeing other women.
Absolutely devastating but I’m glad I didn’t move!
OMG ! You are so spot on , my former narc of a year and it was a LDR , when we finally meet , he was a total Freak ! He was not the person who he said he was , he was the devil Himself ! I wish I would have never meet him , but I take it as a life lesson , I’ll NEVER , NEVER , EVER Date a Monster like that again , in the future at the first sign of my potential partner would show he’s a Narc , I will run like hell ! My prayers goes out to all who has had an encounter with theses Souless Monsters . God Bless !
After reading each of the bullet points, I just closed my eyes and sighed. I’ve been married to my N for 34 yrs. and JUST realized what I’ve been actually dealing with all this time. We have 3 kids in their early 20’s and I realized I don’t have to stay with him “for the kids’ sakes”, but I don’t trust him enough to divorce him. Please share information on long-term marriages that need to end for the sake of the Narc Supplier and how to FINALLY take care of myself.
I also have been in a 30yr relationship with a narc. I’m not clear yet. She asked for a divorce last November. 5 months and we’re still stuck together. I want to go but can afford it. We have to sell the house first. Our girls are off to college so we are free to split without worries. Its going to be hell on me when we do.
She doesn’t seem to care. Her first comment was to be good friends (played the friend card). I almost fell for it.
Sometimes I feel 19 again (age I met her). I will be starting all over with nothing. Very scary but exciting. I can do anything I want. I just need to figure out how to wipe out 30 years of memories. I love this blog. It is awesome. Hits the mark right on. Good luck.
My nickname says it all as that is what my now ex called me!! Been on a 4 year roller coaster and reading your blog has helped so much I always knew his promises were empty but as you say it’s like a drug u can not give up, this time I will because thank god I am strong enough. Anyone who reads this and think their partner has this run a mile because this has nearly destroyed me the pain you will feel makes life not worth living.
Apparently, I think I may be the ‘boomerang narcissist’ in this case.
I hate myself for having this thought abt me being better than everyone else, the fact that I could get anyone I wanted. I just hate it.
I dont know how to ‘fix’ it. I just want to live like everyone else. Love like everyone else.
Currently, Im in a relationship.. And after just one conflict, i feel myself de-attach-ing, distance and whatnot. And the fact that, I know I can definitely get any guy I want, doesnt help.
Unfortunately I recognise all of these things in my behaviour over the last 3 n a half years. I read something once that said…. If you even think of going through your partners phone, wallet etc etc, go take a good look at yourself in the mirror, meet your eyes n ask yourself… Why are you even in this relationship if you don’t trust.
Well I don’t! Don’t think I ever have the whole time. And it has changed me, unfortunately. Am still in the relationship but starting to untangle myself from his web. I detest him when I’m with him n constantly pick his words n actions to pieces. But… when I’m not with him I’m like a drug addict waiting for my next fix just to hear from him.
After spending this year in counselling due to a severe anxiety disorder, gee wonder where that came from? I am stronger, just don’t know how to make the final break
having several women pining for you all at once and knowing that you have managed down their expectations so drastically that you can just throw them bits of attention hi Savannah…..i am quoting from your article…. “now and then and they will give you all that you want, whenever you want it and expect nothing from you. This doesn’t happen by accident – this happens by design”…..Are Narcissists really aware of their behaviour considering they have a personality disorder? Probably that could be a future topic for an article.
I have a question. I experienced this once in a situation that I shouldn’t have been in. I know that this is something he has done for many years. Why would an ex of his that he cheated on ( he has on everyone ) defend him? These women know what he is like. She even lives in a different state and her episode happened more than 20 years ago. I think I am the first one that stood up to him and took him to court with a restraining order. He is the type that blames everyone else for his problems. Doesn’t like it when someone won’t even give him his phone number. He will try to manipulate anyone for sex and wants to be seen as the nice guy. I didn’t put up with him for long and his lies were ridiculous. How could an ex feel sorry for him? He apparently still has control over her and probably quite a few. He does try to force friendship on you so he can come in and out of your life. I knew this wasn’t right and he is no friend.
Lulu some women like to live in fantasy land. You have no idea what kind of dysfunction this woman is marinating in. She is probably feeding off of the crumbs that he throws her and is pining for his return – remember harem members are very protective – they don’t like new members, so instantly she’s got her back up about you and he has probably been feeding her a ton of lies about you because as you put it, nothing is ever his fault. You are the bad guy to her – you 1. take him away from her and 2. you are being bad mouthed left, right and center – that I guarantee.
I am so grateful for finding this blog – it is helping me so much. Thank you.
My behavior was described by you to the letter. I spent over a decade, on & off with the same Narcissistic monster.
Unbelievably spot on. This describes my behavior exactly this past year. Your articles have helped me to understand my behavior and that of the narcissist I just broke up with. I spent 2.5 years of my life with him and put up with a lot that I would never want my friends or children to go through. It’s hard to understand why we can’t get out. Especially when I would protect my friends and family from the awful behavior that I allowed myself to be put through. Thank you for the articles! They are so helpful in my healing process.
Right on the money, great article, thank you!