Once a person has gone through the process of ridding themselves of the toxic people in their lives, they will often find themselves all alone, or at least with a lot fewer bodies around. As they start to heal, they will seek out new companionship, looking for both new friendships and relationships. One of the many benefits of going through the healing process is that once you learn what dysfunction looks like in people, you tend to start seeing it everywhere, which leave most wondering, if emotionally healthy people aren’t some kind of mystical creature, like a unicorn or a white buffalo.
One of the main differences between emotionally healthy people and unhealthy people is that healthy people don’t absorb other people’s energy or problems. They don’t internalize them, so they don’t affect their inner peace or emotional state. It’s like they are coated with a type of emotional non-stick Teflon, so everything just bounces off. They don’t feel the need to solve or take on problems that aren’t theirs. They don’t have the impulse to get involved and fix issues that don’t involve them.
When a Narcissist is telling their sob story, what they’re looking for, in their potential target, is an empath, someone who’s first instinct is to feel their pain and take on the responsibility of ending it for them. It’s a quality they can read easily and are drawn to.
Healthy people do something quite different. They don’t absorb other people’s problems and though they may not be able to name the dysfunction in others, they can certainly detect that there is one and they disengage. They can sympathize with someone’s tale of woe, but that is quite different than taking the problem on.
Empathy Is feeling someone’s pain, taking it on and putting yourself in another’s shoes.
Sympathy is ‘thinking, imagining or understanding’ someone else’s pain. The difference Is that when you sympathize, you can mentally comprehend it, but you aren’t taking on the feeling aspect of it.
Codependents have problems communicating with others in a healthy way because of their empathetic nature. They would rather feel bad themselves, than cause another pain. They second guess themselves when someone reacts badly to something they have said or done. They fear conflict and have difficulties speaking their mind and standing up for themselves.
Emotionally healthy people don’t care if you like them. They are secure in their own worth and when someone bad mouths them, they don’t feel the need to rush in and set matters right. When asked if that bother’s them, or if they’re worried that others will believe what’s being said, they will shrug their shoulders and say, “If someone asks me I’ll tell them the truth, but if someone will believe them straight away I really don’t care. I let my track record speak for itself.”
Creating that level of confidence and nonchalance for an empath can be a challenge, since they’ve been conditioned from birth to seek outside approval and to be vigilant about the feelings and needs of others.
For codependents struggling with these issues in both a business and personal setting I think it’s important to ask yourself four questions:
- Was my behavior truthful?
- Did my actions come from a place of integrity?
- Is what I said or did necessary?
- Was my behavior logical?
If you can answer those questions in the positive, then you can let it go and allow the responses of others to bounce off of you. Remember you aren’t responsible for how things land with others. Their responses and triggers are made up of their history, experiences and beliefs and these things have nothing to do with you. So imagine yourself putting up a hand to stop them and pass their emotional baggage, that they tried to saddle you with, back to them.
You may not be able to control every aspect of your life, but you can control how you deal with it. It’s in your responses that your emotional health will reveal itself, so learn how to let the behavior of others bounce off of you and make sure that you absorb none of it. Allow people to respond however they won’t to, but take no ownership of their feelings and remember, sometimes the best response you can give someone is no response at all.
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