For those of you who follow Numerology, 2016 was the last year on the current cycle. It was a 9 year, a year of endings and letting go, while 2017 is a 1 year, the start of a new cycle. It’s a year of change and new beginnings. Whether or not you care about Numerology or just have a passing interest, one thing is for certain – the start of a new year gives everyone 365 blank pages in which to write their story.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned on my journey is that regardless of what happened to me in the past – I am in complete control of my life now. The moment I stopped making excuses for myself and started to put my energy into my goals and what I could control, everything started to turn around for me. That’s not just hyperbole. I could pull any aspect of my life – let’s take my weight issues for instance. My dad was a big man – it was easy to blame him and his ‘bad genes’ for my predicament (23 and me confirmed that I have a tendency to be heavier than average). My mother weighed 100 lbs most of her life, she was oblivious to my nutritional needs, nor did she care enough to try and figure them out, so she feed me foods that were harmful for my genetic make-up and then shamed me and my body for not measuring up to her standards.
I was on a diet my whole life and nothing worked until I found what did. I found the South Beach diet which is really a modification of the Atkins diet. I learned that for my body type – carbs are not my friend. I taught myself how to eat according to body’s make up. That paired with exercise really was the recipe for success. The formula alone was not enough though. I was motivated by the “I’ll show you” mindset. So many people rejected me, counted me out and didn’t believe in me and that was my fuel. It made me angry and put that chip on my shoulder that propelled me to work harder and be more determined. But the thing that made the biggest impact, and I didn’t figure this out till much later, was coming to terms with my Codependency. I didn’t realize that it was at the forefront of my self-sabotaging behaviors. I didn’t know it was that critical voice that kept trying to keep me stuck in the same destructive behavior patterns. I didn’t know it was what made me feel like I wasn’t good enough or that I wasn’t even worth the effort.
When I started to unwrap the mystery of why I was my own worst enemy and why things didn’t work out for me, everything started to fall into place and not until then. I got really clear on what I wanted to accomplish and where I wanted to be and I got a real understanding of why I did and thought what I did, where it came from and how to overcome it. When the sting lessened from the break-up of my long-term relationship I picked myself up and made the decision that the rest of my life was going to be all about me and I was going to do everything that I wanted to do and be the best me I could be. This was going to be the second act of my play and I was going to be the star. Here’s what I did:
Savannah’s Map to Creating the Life You Want
Learn: Figure out what the problem is and then learn everything you can about it. Become insatiable for knowledge. You know the way you’ve gone into detective mode to figure out what’s wrong with your Narcissist? Be that kind of detective for yourself. 1. Know what the problem is. 2. Look for answers on how others have conquered the problem. 3. Implement those techniques into your own life, modify and add to them so they fit you and your life.
Make a Plan: Anyone that has had a Skype session with me has heard me say, “Make a plan.” Codependents are so used to putting their focus on their relationship and on the problems of other people they often have no idea what they want or where they’re going. It’s time to start putting yourself first, to make your wants your top priority. What do you want? Write it down. This year is the start of a new chapter. The name of that chapter is – YOU. Tell the universe where you’re going and what you’re going to accomplish. Keep it in the forefront of your mind every day. Everyone knows the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Without a map you’re curving this way and that way and distracting yourself from your destination. With a map you’re taking steps every day that will bring you closer to your goal. 1. Write the map. 2. Take little steps every day so that you’re moving in the right direction. 3. As you get closer momentum starts to take over and motivates you even more.
Acquire the Self-Care Mindset: Self-Care is exactly that – taking care of yourself. It’s the opposite of what a Codependent has been programmed to do. Reprogram your thinking and start acting in ways that are beneficial to your well-being, even if they don’t yet feel natural. Self-care means understanding that you are an autonomous being – you don’t exist to sacrifice your happiness for the needs of other people. Self-care means understanding that you have needs that are just as important as everyone else’s and that getting those needs filled is your primary responsibility above all else. It’s about doing things that are in your best interest that bring value to your life and eliminating people and things that don’t.
Discover the Warrior Within: The beauty of having to overcome a lot of hardships is that you learn the warrior mindset. When obstacles come up in life warriors already know how to battle. They’ve learned through trial and error what works and what doesn’t. If they’re still looking for the right way they know all the things that don’t work and make adjustments along the way. It’s just like that old saying, “You’ve got to lose to know how to win.” We learn more by losing than we ever do by winning. When things don’t work out don’t curl up into the fetal position and give up – morph into the warrior and power through it.
Make Time for the Spirit: Meditation, affirmations, Visualization, Gratitude – all of these are like a workout for your soul. The spirit is in many ways more important than the body and the mind. Learn how to communicate with your spirit and how to listen. Raise your emotional vibration by manufacturing positive feelings. Visualize what you want and feel the feelings of already having those things. “Think from the end,” as Wayne Dyer would say. Get into the habit of giving yourself good positive messages – by repeating positive affirmations you counter-act the negative messages you’ve been programmed to give to yourself.
Learn to Let Go of What No Longer Serves You: When you’ve learned through experience what isn’t good for you get into the habit of letting go. Codependents have learned to doubt themselves, they dwell in confusion and uncertainty and have learned not to trust their instincts. When you cognitively come to the conclusion that a person, an activity or an environment is not good for your well-being, let that be enough to evoke change. When that voice shows up and tries to minimize and justify know that that is your codependency talking – label the voice (this is my codependency), when you know what it is and what it’s trying to do (lead you to a place of hurt and keep you where you are) it minimizes it’s impact and allows you to dismiss it and throw it away.
Get Busy: Figure out what you want, make a plan to get there, find a way to battle through the hard stuff – cuz it will show up, learn to control your emotions and your self-destructive thoughts, inspire yourself by feeding your spirit daily, keep your goals in your mind everyday by seeing them already realized and get busy – why are you still reading this? You’ve got stuff to do.
Happy You Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Another great blog. Thank you for outlining steps for creating normal boundaries and for reminding us that it’s okay to put ourselves first. It’s really sobering to realize that codependency doesn’t stop at bad choices in partners, but also extends to self-sabotage in giving oneself a shot at the life they most imagine. I love the map, the message, the reminders. Thank you.
Dear Savannah,
It is very rare that I will come across a website that truly provides me with the information and perspective that is life-changing. In just a few days, I will be leaving my narcissistic husband of 9 years. I made the decision about a week ago but only became firm in my conviction that this was the right move after spending a few days reading almost all of your posts.
May God bless your efforts
Lin,
I’m not following why you say that someone who does / says stuff like that is on top of the world. It sounds more as if he is trawling its depths with behaviour that could transmit STDs.
Savannah’s blog
https://esteemology.com/no-hes-not-happier-with-her-do-you-want-scientific-proof/
might have some answers you’re looking for.
Milie,
Thank you. In his eyes he has done nothing wrong or immoral. He explained to me that he will have the best Christmas and New Year ever. As usual.Breaking up with me is nothing. He made it Very clear I am a piece of trash that he is done with. He will move on to the next victim. Be happy and get what he wants when he wants. Already he has told me his next victim is a wealthy business woman. Play his game. I know he will use her until she figures him out or he tires of her. Horrible of me, yes I hope he gets what he deserves. Though I do not want any woman to get A STD from him or be subjected to evil ways. He believes he is above all, and he can be happy no matter what he does or how he treats a person. My mind can not accept the fact that a person can be so shallow, selfish and cunning.He feels he is at the top of the world.
To Milie,
I have to add he told me He would be back in my life if I would give him a costly gift! Then he said well you have nothing to offer physically or financially. Confirming he is a gold-digger and will use women to his advantage. I loved this man deeply for almost five years . To be slapped in the face with his cruel reality. I am bitter very bitter. I know I must work thru this or it will consume me and I will not be able to move on.Savannah and all the women and men who I read their pain and suffering makes me feel that I am not alone. There is hope.
Savannah,
I need your help!! I’ve been no contact with my N for 2 months. We were together 4yrs, alot of verbal abuse, lies, manipulation went on, to say the least. I called him 2days I just felt like I had to speak with him. I needed closure, I had a lot questions that needed anwers. He actually agreed to talk, I was so relieved finally I’m going to get answers!! He came over to my place we talked for about 3hrs. I was doing most of the talking he really never opened up like I though he would. All he could say was sorry. And that he missed and wanted to stay friends. I wS an emotional wreck! I cried for most of the time … I’m so confused now. I thought I was going to find some kind of peace, I feel worse. The bad part was that we ended up sleeping together. I can’t believe I did this, knowing that the other woman is with him and their expecting a baby. Why did I let this happen??
Glo89 you did this because you have the mistaken belief that this man can validate you and give you what you need. You slept with him because you wanted to be chosen and you’re addicted to the high you feel when you ‘win.’ Believe me when I say there is nothing he can do or say that’s going to make you feel better. He can’t give you your self-worth because he doesn’t have it. It’s time that you started to learn that your worth doesn’t changed based upon someone else’s ability to see it. You decide your worth – only you and when you decide that you have value your behavior changes to accommodate that belief. You have to look at your inability to let go of this man as an addiction. Every time you reengage with him in any fashion it’s the same as taking another drink or lighting another cigarette and poof you’re readdicted. No contact is the only way. There is no justification for breaking no contact – none. If you’d like to talk more about this you can set up a Skype appointment.
Happy New Year Savannah and everyone! It’s hard to believe that 1 year ago I was so desperate and down, I had no idea what I was about to learn. I found your blog and am so very thankful that I did. I have come such a long way since then in my narcissistic abuse recovery and I have recommended this blog to several people. It will always be my ‘instruction manual’ for life. Thanks and God Bless you!
Adding to my post has anyone else experienced a N seemingly so concerned about not catching a STD? He was so concerned about me only being with him. Being clean. A lie? He is a textbook case in all respects. He tired of me and needed an excuse to rid of me? He is the one who broke contact. I have blocked his number and on FB. I must admit I unblocked him for a short period to see if he would break. He hasn’t. I came to my senses and blocked again. Am I free of him? Forever? The last time we were together he told me he loved me 3 times. The next text he said let’s do it one more time and you can be alone in 2017! And thru all this he has pushed to have a three some. Me and another woman. Said we can blame it on the alcohol. Fun no questions asked and he’ll spring for breakfast. Can you imagine? Called him a pig, and he laughed. It upsets me that he is oblivious to everything and never will be punished for his lying, cheating, cancelling at the last second, controlling . To go thru life ultimately being on the top of the world. He said he has asses to pinch , bra’s to stuff, champagne to drink, and all woman of all ethnicities to explore and devour. I want justice and revenge. I know you all say let it go. I want to see him in pain. This I know will never happen. I’m trying so to rid myself of this anxiety.
Lin,
Our stories have a similarity I have not seen here so far. He also pushed me for months to “find a girlfriend” to have sex with while he watched, and then he “would enjoy both” of us. That is the one line I would not cross, and believe me I crossed a lot of lines for that bastard. He used it as a threat and an excuse, that I was not keeping him satisfied sexually, so what was he supposed to do? When I caught him cheating, again, he put it all back on me. When I told him he had to leave he pulled the sympathy card “I don’t have anyplace to go”. Oh yeah? Go over to HER house. He said that’s not what he wants to do, and he didn’t have any intention of moving out. I had to hire an attorney and have him served that he had to leave and had til Friday to get his stuff out. He left 19 days ago and I have been NC for 8 days. It’s so difficult, but not as difficult as staying in that hell another minute. They think they are on top of the world, because they have zero emotions or empathy or conscience. But in reality they are in a cesspool of their own misery.
They will never grow and learn from their life experiences.
We will heal, learn, grow, and be better because of it.
Well, I think my hell with my N is finally over. He thinks I have slept with another man. He says I am dirty and I am not his anymore. He has stopped contact. A blessing for me. A new year a new beginning. I feel so so very stupid, angry and embarrassed for the time I have wasted on this man. A man who lied, controlled, degraded me, used and abused me. Thank you Savannah for showing me a new beginning and hope for better life.God for ridding me of this egotistical bastard, selfish, person.
Thank you for this article! People always told me that I should prioritize myself, take care of myself, etc…..and I thought I was doing so, but the image in my mind that finally galvanized my will to turn toward my own well-being was realizing that all the effort I’m pouring into my kids is in the hope that they will have wonderful, meaningful lives, and I don’t want to waste that same effort that my mother put into my life when I was growing up! Somehow that “turned the key” for me, emotionally, to being able to prioritize my own well-being.
It is a new year and I have to keep moving forward. Learning to let go of what no longer serves me, is yes absolutely the narcissist that I was involved with, no contact for 3 weeks, he initiated contact then, nothing since then. I do not contact him in anyway, shape or form. I cry when I don’t even know when..I can be doing something productive and just cry. So my question is, I am in recovery, 10 years alcohol free which means I belong to a 12 step recovery group, the ex N is also in recovery, 32 years, king Pin of the meetings. I don’t know if I believe in the recovery/fellowship anymore. I have been told that I should have known better, pull up my big girl panties and move on, Let go and Let God, so much hurtful words, not one person in recovery has called me, supported me, please this is not self pity, this is realization that they say they will be there for you..and not. I was homeless, the first time in 58 years, I have a career of 26 years and I was penniless because of a huge investment I made with the ex. Overwhelmed doesn’t even describe this emotional/mental abuse, this feeling of hopelessness. I am getting back on my feet financially, it has been a struggle, could loose my job at any time because I can’t cope. So far my employer is understanding because of long term employment. I am seeing a therapist, diagnosed with Complex PTSD and Narcissi tic Abuse Syndrome. I really just want to escape, the fight or flight, I am the flight type person. I know I am rambling, thank you for letting me. I am learning about Co Dependency, it makes me very sad, to know that I am that person, who did give love, her whole heart and wanted that in return, sought it, sacrificed for it, when all along I should have been loving me. I have read so much, it’s scary to see that I might suffer for the rest of my life, not on a daily basis but there will be times.
Hello Everyone. Happy New Year to you all.
Thanks Savannah for this great article. It has been a struggle over the Christmas break, but getting there.
I like what you said about labelling the voice in my head, and call it “Codependancy”. She still comes into my thoughts 24/7.
She decided to contact me on the 23rd December to let me know that her new girlfriend had punched her in the face (nice isn’t it) and needed to see me. I was out with friends, she didn’t show up. I messaged her the following day to see how her face was……..and No Reply and haven’t heard from her since. Clearly she just wanted torture me again being so close to Christmas Day.
I am keeping busy and I am trying to think about myself more.
Love to you xxx Bring on 2017.
2016 finished a cycle of 9 years, and that’s how long we were together. 2017 is the beginning of a new cycle. Letting go of the past….So hard, realising that all those years I thought she was in love with me like I am still in love with her, but thanks to you and my online family, I am learning that it can’t be love anymore from her. So Sad
Happy New Year Savannah, such an inspiring post and thank you.
Thank you! I so badly needed to read this right now. 2017 is a new start for me and I will keep going back to your guideposts in this blog to prevent me from drifting back into old thought & behavioural patterns which served no one, least of all me. Blessings to you and your readers and thank you again for pouring so much of your love and energy into educating and healing the many of us who need it.
So helpful and motivational , thank you
For the first 2 days of this year I have been verbally attacked in my own home. This came in the nick of time. My plan is to throw my grown25 year old son out by June. Whether his grandmother {my mother} likes it or not. He can go be miserable by himself and hopefully, grow up.
I swear I did not raise him to act like this. Even his 18 year old brother has a life plan.
I left their father so the three children would not grow up in this kind of environment, why is it suddenly coming out in him?
Nice words of encouragement. Thanks. I also resolved to focus on me.
Thank you. As ever, you popped up at just the right time. The narcissist who I once loved has been left firmly behind in 2016, along with the drama that surrounds her. I have escaped from the cauldron and woken up to ME. Happy Me and Happy You Year ! x
I had to learn that I was addicted to choas and confusion in relationship. I left a narcissist three years ago. I reconnected with someone from my past that reminded me of my narcissist. I got involved despite knowing he had issues with alcohol and womanizing.
After text messages from other women, consyants fights and lies, I still stuck around. The final straw was him cussing me out and disrespecting me when I called him for help when I had car issues. I decided then I had enough, I went no contact. I have not spoken to him in two weeks. It does hurt that he doesn’t reach out either. I am focusing on my health and happiness.
In August 2015 I found your site and learned how to get over my covert, sadistic narcissistic X and how to break through co-dependency and put myself first. I even had the same experience with my Mother and my weight problem as you had. More and more I’ve gotten back into Yoga and Meditation and positive affirmation tapes. Best of all, I shut down that critical voice when it comes up and I’ve learned to sit and feel my feelings instead of refocusing them away. Slowly I’m finding my way back to Me. Thank you so much for your site Savannah. I look forward to all of your posts. Happy New Year!
Thank so much for these inspiring words. They came to me at the perfect time. God bless you – please don’t ever stop what you’re doing! Thank you!!!
I am so grateful to you. I was conditioned as you were as a child. I understand that, but I now have a need and I don’t know how to fill that need. I know it is not food. I fear it is love.I hope you understand.