Parasite: “An organism that grows, feeds, and is sheltered on, or in a different organism, while contributing nothing to the survival of its host.” – answers.com
It has been said that the inverted narcissist leads a parasitic lifestyle, but what does that really mean? While the above definition holds true for many organisms, when we apply it to human beings we can modify it a little and define it as:
A deliberately, manipulative and exploitative financial and emotional dependence of one person on another. Where one person, consistently takes advantage of the kindness and resources of another, without any desire to reciprocate, or contribute in any meaningful way. This exploitation is fueled by a sense of entitlement, a lack of responsibility, motivation and self-control.
I had a reader discuss her frustration with having to deal with the parasitic behavior of her former Narcissist, she writes,
“There are many, many aspects of narcissists and their behavior that are just mind boggling and literally insane. What kills me the most about my Narcissist, all Narcissists, really, is how he CANNOT possibly understand, or care, that I do NOT want to hear from him. These people have selective amnesia about what they’ve done. They seem to NOT be able to grasp this very basic concept: That the people they’ve hurt DO NOT want to hear from them! When someone says “DON’T contact me, ever again,” DON’T!”
and another reader states,
“I was in great shape financially before I met her. In less than two years she blew through all of my savings. After she moved in, she barley worked a day. I was responsible for everything. I’m 53 and by the time she took off I had nothing left, not even my 401Ks for retirement. I was highly in debt and I even had to sell my house. She ruined me and walked away like it was just another day at the ballpark.”
The Parasitic Mindset
A friend of mine took a trip to India a few years ago. She had sent me an email while she was away, and told me that she went on a little boat tour of the Ganges. On her way there, she walked through a wooded area. Hours later, when she was back at her hotel room, she undressed and prepared to take a shower. In her armpit she was horrified to see that a leech had attached to her, and was now feeding off of her blood.
This particular brand of leech sits and waits on leaves, and when someone passes by, it latches onto them and slowly and methodically moves along its host, until it finds the right area of skin and it attaches itself and begins to feed.
Leeches do not concern themselves with the fact that you don’t want a leech attached to you. They don’t care that you find the entire idea abhorrent. They don’t care if you become, sick, weak, or even die because of their feeding. When you can no longer give them what they want, they will just move on and find another host.
When we try to understand how and why Narcissists do the things they do – it’s because this is their mindset. To a Narcissist, you are not a beautiful person, with a sparkling personality and a shining soul, that they have a deep connection to – you are a resource to be exploited – nothing more. When you get this, their attempts to manipulate your emotions will no longer have the same affect on you.
We know they don’t form normal healthy attachment bonds to people. We know they don’t feel love the way the rest of us do. We know they can walk away without any feelings of guilt or remorse. People are only able to do this when they view others as objects to be used and discarded at their whim.
Why They Really Keep Coming Back
I’ve had many relationships with boomerang Narcissists and I always told myself that they kept coming back to me because, underneath it all, they must really love me. A few times I probably even thought they kept coming back to me, because they’d had a epiphany and realized that I was the one.
The truth was, that my Narcissist wasn’t coming back, because he couldn’t live without me, he was coming back, because he had run out of options. There were no immediate people to feast off of and he knew he could always count on me for a good feed. As soon as he had his fill, off he went again, in search of a new host, and on and on this behavior continued.
There are givers and there are takers, with most of the population falling somewhere in between. But in the case of the Narcissist and the co-dependent, you need just the right kind of dance partner. If you are someone that exploits the kindness and resources of others, then you need to find someone, who has assets and who likes to share, luckily for the parasites of this world, co-dependents love to give and share everything they have. They over give, sometimes even to the point of financial ruin.
Unfortunately, for the co-dependent, as soon as the resources run out, so too does their Narcissist.
“You’re better at doing things you don’t want to do, than me.”
Some people lack the ability to take care of themselves. They lack the self-discipline to wake up every morning and hold down a job. They believe that they are too good for, or too important for menial work, or they just don’t have the capacity to be responsible and in control of themselves, or their lives. They know they like having a nice house, nice things, good food to eat, and nice cars to drive, but they don’t care to work for it themselves. They want it handed to them and seem to live by the motto, “Why work when someone else will do it for you.”
I’ve never been a user, so it’s hard for me to get into that headspace, but I do know that when you think you deserve something and you believe that you are entitled to it, it’s remarkable what you tell yourself, to justify your own horrific behavior. Human parasites use manipulation techniques, to keep their host right where they want them, under their control, confused, and in denial. But when one has managed to get away and they do receive a feeble attempt at contact months, or years later – the meaning behind it isn’t – you’re on my mind, I miss you, I’ve been thinking about you, or I need to atone for what I’ve done. The absolute truth behind their attempt to reconnect is – I’m in between hosts and I need a feed. They don’t care what they’ve done, how you feel, what you want, or how their coming back will affect you, all they care about, is having someone to exploit. They’ve used you in the past, so it’s worth a shot to try again. Going back to an old host is a heck of a lot easier than trying to establish a new one. If you do bite, they will reel you in, just long enough to feed off of you and they’ll be gone, just as soon as a new host waltzes by.
A long time ago, my long-term Narcissist said to me, “You’re better at doing things you don’t want to do, than I am,” and with that explanation, he quit his job and lived off of me and his mother for a while.
What he didn’t understand was that I wasn’t better at it than him, it was that I was responsible and mature enough to know, that I had to stand on my own two feet. He didn’t care that the weight of him on my shoulders was crushing me. He didn’t care that I was having panic attacks and was suffering from severe anxiety at the time – he didn’t care about me at all, as soon as he found another viable host, he left me in an instant and was on her like white on rice.
If you find yourself acting as the host to someone else’s life of leisure, seriously ask yourself what you are getting out of it. These people are perpetual teenagers and when you take them and their problems on, it will drain you of your very essence and give you nothing in return but problems and an empty bank account.
If you really don’t know if you’re with a human parasite ask yourself – did their life get better by hooking up with you and did yours get worse in the process.
When you get out from underneath the burden of having to carry someone else, your whole world opens up. To be or not to be with a parasite – this choice is an easy one – if you’re carrying the load for someone who just can’t get their sh@t together, show them the door – of the house that you are paying for.
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I’m pretty sure I’m surrounded by narcissists, which is very disheartening since it’s my family, mostly. As a child, I was called the peacekeeper and fighter for the underdog, Which was sometimes said as a compliment, but also as a put down…. by my mother. It was usually because she was putting someone else down and I would step in to defend them. My mother Didn’t like when I went against her, I made her look bad… And would tell me (in a cold, harsh tone) that I didn’t need to come visit her when she was in a nursing home. I remember this as far back as I can remember anything. At other times, when I was on her good side, she’d tell me “you’re going to be my comfort in my old age”.
My sister didn’t hide her dislike for me, when I was first born… and brought it up often. She was six and said that I was all red and screaming, so she wished for them to take me back. While she was still home, or whenever she came back, everyone’s life had to revolve around her. She always got the best spot on the couch, we watched what she chose on tv, which was soap operas after school. She’d insist on planning my bday parties for me, then leave me out of any games she made up. When I’d get upset, she’d call me a brat and tell me to shut up and to go sit down somewhere. When I was 12 and she was 18 and had just moved away to college, she began “attempting suicide”. I figured out through time, that these minor attempts were ploys to get my parents attention focused back on her. She couldn’t allow any time to go by, when my brother or I might have all my parents attention! After that, she started calling me “ugly” as a pet name. I allowed it, because I felt bad that I wasn’t as troubled, or overweight, or unhappy. It definitely bothered me in the long run, because it was self-serving as everything she did was. She was supposed to love me? She “said she did”.
My choice in husband and father of my three kids, turned out to be what I was used to. He provided the same confusingly conditional, passive-aggressive “love” that I’d been used to. He was the center of his world and his top priority. But one of his catch phrases was “everything I do, I fo for you”. Everything we had was HIS, HIS house, HIS money, but the kids were mine and he had little concern about them… UNTIL I left him. Then he “wanted” full custody, child support, medical coverage. He tried to hurt me financially (and our kids, since they lived with me) at every turn, till the divorce was final. Then all he could do was screw with the support, since he refused the visitation schedule. He would send it the day it was supposed to arrive, then a few days after that etc. after a couple years, I asked the state to help and they took over. As it was, I got better and better paying jobs, because I didn’t want to rely on anything from him, which wasn’t much, but it helped with school supplies, lunches and field trips.
Alas, my oldest daughter was affected. Either genetically or by learning from what she witnessed, she became very much like her father, with a twist. He had a job and was very serious about it – it was always half his identity. He rarely tried to excel to a better job, but he’d always say how he could do everyone else’s job better. She is very loyal when she has a job. Shows up on time, works hard, likes the praise that comes with it. But then leaves without notice, burning that bridge. She, and her two youngsters, have lived with me several times in their short 6&8 years. Every weird, rushed, parasitically natured choice she’d make, would end up coming to a halt, when she had to leave, or couldn’t stand it anymore and I would rescue her and the kids. I wouldn’t know it was a rescue, till I got there to visit and she’d say, We need to come home with you. She has definitely used her kids as pawns and to hustle those who took her in and were lead to believe (at first) that she was a loving, amazing mother… While living with me, she’d act fine & well, until she managed to find someone new to latch onto, who she’d convince they she needed rescuing from a horrible place. She’d begin texting on her phone ALL day, lock herself in the bathroom, with kids calling and knocking. Then the snide remarks towards everything I’d say, taunting and tempting me to get upset, so she could say SEE!!! A favorite phrase she’d use at this point has been “I f’ing HATE you” which she mouthed so no one heard. One time I repeated it out loud and her face went into shock, she said “do you KNOW what you’re doing”!!!??? I said, I’m repeating what you said. But what I was actually doing was exposing that she was not as sweet as she tried to portray. I think she meant that I had just given her a reason to leave and alienate the kids from me, which she has done often. She also says “you’re a BAD mother “, which her father started telling my kids when he realized he couldn’t Hoover me back into his world. Ugh!!
I once met a narcissist called Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx. Classic parasitic behaviour and lifestyle, attached herself to those who actually contributed and had value. Spiritually dead but professed the opposite. Parasites need to be exterminated so happiness can flourish.
First of all I’m glad to see I’m not the only person that is a victim of leeches although now that I’m very educated in being an empath & recognize narcissism from years of studies- college & online- I wouldn’t so much call myself a victim, more so somebody who was naive and learned the hard reality about cruelty & evil people. I want to say I am a Christian & would never try to shame my parents for the emotional abuse they caused me. After all they had it much worse than I did being raised without the education so readily available today, and they were so young, they did the best they could. I appreciate them still and pray God will heal their hearts completely.
I’ve come to realize I am highly codependent. I started a young age dating the worst type of men, they were liars, cheaters, abusive, and I did everything for them. From helping them obtain education, to getting jobs, paying their bills, and even married the worst narc of all that caused me anxiety, insomnia, & depression much worse than I had to begin with- although I am seeking God now finally and have achieved much healing. I am still coming to terms with the fact that narcissists and most people in general do not care about anybody really. I need to stop expecting people to value me as much as I value them. I need to stop opening myself up to be used. Although for the most part I have learned to isolate myself to avoid being hurt again, I struggle with a certain friend from high school who continually takes from me shamelessly. I have a loyalty to her because we both had rough childhoods and experienced the loss of a loved one at a young age, not getting enough love & attention, being abused mentally & physically, & dating men who used our low self esteem to their advantage. The difference between us though, is that I took my struggles and learned to grow from them. I have 3 young kids that I raise pretty much alone, although these days my mother is a tremendous help and has helped me to get my life back together after I left my narc husband that totally held me back and caused me debt. He almost made me cut all ties with my family.
I can identify a narc & any toxic person right away now and I know exactly how to handle them. This certain high school friend though I just can’t get rid of. She always expects me to pay for her meals and treats she so blatantly hints for and of course, I oblige. I’m the kind of friend that always does nice things for people I love. I tried cutting her off a few times and have told her why, how her behavior is selfish. She is completely self entitled and lazy, she always leeches off of people. She shows signs of parasitic & covert narcissism. I’m also almost certain she has BPD. She is definitely not some victim just because of her disorders. She is comfortable enough around me that she often times says exactly how she uses people like objects for resources and attention. Then she tries to cover it up with lies and pity stories. She tries so hard to make herself look like an innocent girl and a nice empath that is a victim of life and such a giving person. She tries to make herself seem so rare and valuable and constantly is negative and complains. She often times puts down other people for no reason. She obsessively compares herself with others, and stares at herself in every mirror despite always complaining that she thinks she is fat and ugly. She is very attractive in reality and she knows it. Although in her random down moods, she acts very self conscious. She seems to change personalities constantly and will acts extremely inappropriately provocative and flaunt her body.
She almost seems to never be listening to me & has to try really hard to pretend like she is interested in anything I say. She knows how to push my buttons very well, when I distance myself she will text me multiple times and ask what is wrong. I want to go no contact but I just can’t. She will act really caring if she notices me being distant, but as soon as she feels comfy again she will make petty & snobbish comments, then usually give me silent treatment for a while unless she is bored. If I say something she doesn’t like she will not talk to me for a bit. I have 100% comfort telling her reality like she complains about her job, school, etc & I will say oh well she has to pay bills and that’s life. Here I am with 3 kids and I am in school and have always worked before, making it work, taking responsibility for my life. Although I will never flat out tell her that her life isn’t hard. I will never tell her I know she is purposely frustrating me with her petty issues that she makes a big dramatic deal out of for the sake of attention. There are however many times I will be harshly blunt when she acts ridiculous and uses zero logic in her complaints about life.
Somehow I am ALWAYS paying for this girl or driving her around right after I’ve sworn to stop. She always complains about being broke even though her boyfriend helps her out financially and she chooses to work jobs with unstable and medial hours.
I am really frustrated that I always attract people like this and I feel like this friend is not only holding me back from gaining a sense of true self respect but spiritually she is holding me back because I am accountable for allowing such a leech to remain in my life and cause me to spend money she doesn’t deserve, I get literal panic attacks when I feel like she realizes I’m trying to let go of her. As another commenter has mentioned, this dysfunctional friendship feels like “home” to me because of my past. This girl is really good at pretending to want to change for the better, & sadly I feel through her I am fulfilling some kind of childhood fantasy of making progress with my own narc family members.
What is sad is that she has been through so much similar to me, yet I chose to grow from it and be the best person I can be. Yet here she is, using pain as an excuse to treat people as objects, including myself. She seems to mirror me a lot, I just wish she could truly take from my example and honestly seek God, but she just pretends. Her mother even told me she is not even a Christian, which I had feared. What can I expect? We are unequally yolked & I know the bible well enough to know a friendship with her can go nowhere. I know that she doesn’t have the capability to put anybody but herself first. I know this is how people are when they are far from God and she needs to go on her own journey in life, I can’t feel bad for people who chose to hurt others. Yet, I still struggle to cut ties with her.
I escaped my narc husband, & other narc exes. I healed my relationship with my mom, thank God that she is a Christian also and truly decided to make change, which is rare for people with high narcissistic traits. I just need to finally stop running back to this girl, my only “close” friend. I need to keep seeking God first of all, because he has gotten me through my crazy life and to a calm peaceful space finally after my years of chasing the wind. I continue to pursue my education and be the best mom I can be, offer my kids all the love and support I didn’t have. I will continue being a nice person and help who I can, but always use discernment. Even the bible warns about evil people, liars, users, & how to judge people by their fruits.
To all with the same struggles as me I wish you healing and beg you to follow God. He will wipe all our tears away one day, and he wants us to find healing. Even Jesus was betrayed by his best friend and favorite disciple. Remember that the good people and loving people who are true people of God are small compared to the rest of the population that are not God’s people. I encourage all empaths to never stop being loving, but learn to build yourself up first because you can’t love and help others if you yourself are broken.
I do have a friend since college who’s been a narcissistic parasite for the past 25 yrs. She feeds off everyone around her. She dropped out from college and has no skills. She’s been disinherited by her family. She refuses to find a stable job making a lot of excuses not to find one. She mostly eats in all of her friends houses daily thinking it’s just the most normal thing to do. Her cousins provide monthly financial assistance to pay for her rent and monthly expenses. I’ve always had to foot the bill each time we go out for the past 25 yrs. She borrows money from me and not once has she paid me back. We mostly don’t see eye to eye in a lot of things and frankly I’m better off being alone with a book than hang with her. She’s an emotional and financial drain in my life. I’ve finally decided to cut her off from my life for good. No point holding on to someone who refuses to be financially independent and only sees me as a financial solution to her never-ending problems. Hopefully, when one door closes another one may open to non-narcissistic leaches.
I’m almost in the same exact position. It’s crazy I have tried many times to drop her but always come back, only to be stuck paying for her meals and driving her around for her own entertainment. I’m so tired of if and of her irresponsibility, self entitlement, and yet I can’t go no contact. I’m trying really hard.
Hi Vanessa you are brave for cutting off your friend. I have the same lingering issue and I wish I had the same bravery to do so and stick to it. Although it probably wouldn’t be wise because if she somehow decided to turn on me, there are things she knows about me and people she can access to bring issues into my life. I am trying to slowly cut contact with her, but she is so good at reeling me back in. It really sucks, God bless and I hope you find healing.
I recently left my narcissistic husband and just about everything you wrote hit home! He was and still is a parasite. His life definitely improved when he met me, would have been even better for him if he treated me right but there was alot of ups and downs which resulted in him either leaving, getting kicked out or going to jail. Either way, my life went bad very quickly. I lost everything including almost losing my home. Deep in debt, still paying on those loans, etc. but getting very close to being completely rid of him. There was nothing mutual about our relationship at all. To this day, once he’s done with whatever he needs from me, he’ll stop answering texts, emails or calls. They have no tolerance for anyone’s else needs or wants. It’s like you have to become a robot, I used to joke that I was a stepford wife! Because that’s exactly how it feels to be with these people.
I have been beset with parasites all my life. I managed to free myself of all but one–my niece. She paints herself as a “victim”–someone who needs someone to “take care” of her. When I tried to free myself, she went into a series of rages, vandalizing my property till we ended up in court. Now, there is a restraining order which expires in July.
I urge her to work, to get a job which would serve the dual purpose of giving her money and less time to brood.
When it’s a family member, what do you do? Her parents are deceased.
I Have a narcissistic business partner. Originally when first met I worked hard for his company ultimately finding and fixing tons of mistakes being paid crap. Ultimately he realized I was leaving and begged me to partner up with him. Using every argument as if now he respected me. At first when I partnered I did so with a separate LLC. Thank god I did he wanted me to combine into one and make him the majority owner as if he knows more and does more. I realized that was false and overtime saw how more burdens were dropped on me to fulfill so he could relax and have little to no work except his next business he wished for.It turned out the work I did for him and me was unique and had a lot of request. It was clear to me this was a big business bigger than current opportunity which I had to take. At first I was open to envolving him.Slowly while he did not pay for this service and charged me top for rent he insisted on being majority owner. While I was nice I realized this was ridiculous and hinted at no. He continued to make attempt over and over as i expected he would with different discusions as if it was to talk about our existing partnership when it was always the new opportunity. He finally pushed for a fifty fifty ownership by that time I had gotten sense of how nice I had been giving great free service and him stating he was entitled to it when I stated I should even if we are partners collect something for such value as he does to a high end for sublease. He clearly shot down any argument and claimed without stating he would be doing alot for that 50% as far as creating a business model claiming I was not capable of this and that my work was great but needed marketing and a plan which he could do but I couldn’t stating he would hire everyone and take care of all nu senses. I from history was clear he could negotiate but as far as making a business model had no advantage over me. I agreed having a business partner would take pressure off of me, but not without contributions and not at a ridiculous price of equity. I still continue the current partnership as he claimed multiple times he was ready to give up trying yet still did I hope this is the case. Clearly he was desperate to make me think he’s contributed a lot is entitled as he stated without him nothing will get started in this other business. He stated when this still is not started he will want 90% minimum clearly trying to make me think I’m losing some opportunity and need him. I feel this will succeed without him and after consulting am sticking with this. He states how if I feel this will be such a success why not share it with less pressure. I’ve come to the conclusion he has a goal to control and feed off of me while claiming to be a huge friend.
This article is abliest. A mental disorder does not make someone a “parasite” as you so succintly put it. I am 22 and still living with dad because Im autistic/O.D.D. and have next to no life skills. If he kicked me out on the street tommorrow, I would pass away within a week. What the hell do you want me to do!?
I don’t think they mean you. They mean people who pretend they can’t work but are capable of it and play sick. If you have a legitimate medical condition nobody is accusing you of that. What they are saying is these people are con artists or frauds. Like imagine someone who wasn’t autisic and didn’t have O.D.D. but went around saying they did and impersonating someone with those conditions to prey on the sympathy of others. That’s what the people in the article are like.
I have an infant child with a bi-polar parasitic narcissist; she’s also a pathological liar. The mother-in-law has Munchausen by proxy and is a borderline/histrionic. I can’t leave her and take my child, as she is already leveraging our baby as a hostage to keep using me. I just enacted a 5 year plan, which includes getting full custody of my child and moving out of state. I have known this would be the likely result, but I deluded myself in thinking if she took medication and went to therapy, there might be a chance. Now the Narc is using breastfeeding as an excuse to not get mental health treatment. God help me, and God’s speed to all of you out there that have to deal with a devil like this. Get out however you can, no matter the cost!
Yes get OUT!! Do not leave that child behind! The generational dysfunction will continue…GODSPEED!!
I know this is old but I’m so sorry for you. I know all too well how this goes. I hope you found a way through all this, and don’t forget to pray to God for help. Study your bible and learn to spot these people by their fruits, we are accountable for what we allow, even if we are the victims of a narcissist. The bible will reveal all the truth to you. God bless.
I just parted ways with a parasitic narcissist, a friend of nearly 10 years who I recently employed part time and tried to provide focused business mentoring, knowing his inability to get along with employers. But he’s a kept man, lazy and entitled, I feel sorry for his wife. Now, having hounded him off a worksite for various transgressions, I should expect a call from him in 6-12 months from this “host” wanting a “feed”, correct? I realize I got off lightly but…. never again!
How did u o it, please I need held. Same scenario. Am stuck, I dread the thought of going to open my business each morning. I open at 8. He comes around 10 or 11. Sits in my customer waiting area reading the newspapers I buy for my customers to read while waiting, asks for cigarette money, waits for me to go out and does quick jobs to pocket the money, at the end of the day asks for money for cigarretes and food. Am at the tether’s end.
Parasites are just plain cowards
Exactly
I need some help. I met my husband two and a half years ago. he was a single dad with three and i was a single mom with three. He is ret. Military and still bring an income in every month. I work a full time job and have a hobby that cost nothing. I find toys for pennies. Anyways he said I can only ship when the kids are in school which can be difficult because my schedule fluctuate. I try to keep the house clean and I bring in a good income. He has only ever apologized to ne one time. I asked what is a reasonable amount of time per week I can spend on my hobby. He can have a hobby to get out of the house but chooses not to. I asked if I can go Shopping tomorrow. I could get my Christmas done in one day for under 20 bucks. He says do what u want like I am a child. If I go we fight. I think I should be able to. He thinks he is always right even when he knows he isn’t. What should I do?
Wow!! You really hit the nail on the head!! This is me and my ex-narc parasite!! I am currently going through the 3rd break up and he immediately moved on to another while I once again am left to pick up the pieces he left behind. I know that I am fortunate to get away from him before he left me financially devastated. However I am an emotional mess!! I can’t eat or sleep without sleeping aids. I can’t focus. I am in a very dark place. But reading this and several other articles on this site have helped me tremendously. I am not alone and I am not crazy!! WHEW!! Thank you. I have a very long way to go, but I intend to continue reading the articles on this website to help and if anyone has any advice I am all ears!!
Exactly what happened to me other than he moved on by being an escort. You probably in a better place now. I hope to be soon
Parasitic Narc. There. It. Is. Those 2 words completely define the situation I was in for 13 years. Wow. I was with her initially for 10 years. Classic love-bombing, the whole nine-yards. Thought I found my soulmate. She was sexy and beautiful and she adored me. She had anxiety, though, and had a rough childhood so I “helped her out temporarily” She was 31, lived at home (red flag), and when she told her parents she was gay, her mom threw her out (red flag) She moved in 2 months later (without asking)(red flag), but I was crazy about her. To me, I found the holy grail (red flag). I started paying for everything because she had no money (RED FLAG). I mean everything. Her medical insurance, the rent, the bills, I helped her with her credit card bills and made her CAR PAYMENTS?? OMG. I can’t even believe what I’m typing here. It’s remarkable. I was so afraid of losing her. Of someone else having her. I was completely stressed every single day (red flag). She wanted no part of my family, my friends, she hated everything I loved whether it was a person, a song, a vacation destination you name it – if I loved it, she found something wrong with it. (red red and red flag!) I completely lost my soul and sense of self. Nothing I did was good enough, including paying for her $60,000 life-saving fibroid surgery. This all happened very slowly, mind you. It took 10 years before I despised her, and I left her. “Abandoned her” as she calls it. She immediately found another woman to do and give her the same things. But she hoovered, and I got jealous so I took her back thinking she had an epiphany and we’d work on things. Nope. She was worse than before. She almost immediately began to triangulate and compare me to the other woman. Devalue, devalue, devalue. And having no knowledge of narcissism, I bought it and panicked, and I wound up doing the same thing again except this time, not only did I pay for everything again, but because of this other ex in her life, she got me jumping through hoops trying to show her that I CHANGED. I can’t even believe what I’m typing. I guess I need this. Eventually, after a year and a half of this, I left her again, and a week later she found another woman TO DO THE SAME THING FOR HER! How is that even possible?? We’ve only been broken up 8 months and she’s living with the woman already for 5 months. Who are these people?? And you know she and I spoke (yelled) at each other recently, and her phrasing and words have changed. She’s saying things I never heard her say before. Her whole tone of voice is different. And I realized she’s “mirroring” this other woman. It was strange to hear her speak like that. I went no contact. And this, my friends, is only half the story of our life together. There’s so mucn more, but nedless to say, I am devastated again for some strange reason. I guess because I’m alone, and she just trots off, gets laid and has everything paid for. I hate her. I hate her new girlfriend. I hate that they might be happy. And I hate who I realize I am (co-dependent). Thanks for this website. It’s literally life-saving, and boy oh boy do I have work to do. LOL!
Some of this is accurate in a general sense, but it’s entirely over simplified.
I currently live with my parents, and feel like a parasite for that. I give my parents money, always pay them back if I borrow some, and I cook several times a week. But I’m also extremely self conscious and unconfident. I find jobs easy to get, but hard to keep. I have been depressed and had social anxiety for a long time, it even got so bad at one point I started having hallucinations.
I’ve always been a sensitive person, but growing up my parents fluctuated between being relentlessly critical, invalidating and negligent, to public praise. I had been scapegoated, harangued, berated, mocked, bullied and ridiculed bedore the age of 5n and become a person with victim complex before I was in my teens. I had a brief spell as a vullt and a series of behavioural probems my negligent parents never addressed (which I now torment myself over and am desperate to rectify, though getting access to treatment has been very difficult). I live with a relentlessly critical inner voice, I am distrusting of people, and have definite emotional shortcomings which are why I made an active choice to stop dating. I haven’t been with anyone for nearly 16 months.
I feel like a parasite. A useless emotionally stunted jobless nobody. I have trouble holding down a menial job because it reminds me of how mediocre I really am. I’m worthless, and it makes me feel moreso. I struggle with “the discipline” necessary to hold down a job, because I struggle to believe anything I do in life has any real value or significance. I was never taught pride in my endeavours. Instead I learned that making a mistake and being criticized and labelled worthless for it, is inevitable. So why bother to try?
If the people closest to me can not even support me and help me in my failures instead of destroying my confidence, then criticizing me even for being unconfident: then how can I ever expect to form normal, trusting, healthy relationships with anyone else? I want a relationship based on mutual contribution, but I believe myself too inferior to have it.
I lack the drive to do anything in life because I honestly, a majority of the time, don’t feel like I want to live. What is the point?
I can tell you, behind every one of those parasites is a person who was never given any of the skills to become a happy, whole human being. I lament that you’ve suffered at the hands of an inadequate person for so long, and it’s good to be able to spot a person like that in order to avoid them.
I’m sorry this happened to you, but do try to see the other side of the coin. It might even help you to forgive them.
You give them money, pay them back, you cook and you care! That’s the difference between you and someone with a narcissistic or sociopathic diagnosis. Don’t compare apples and oranges
Wow! Almost my story to a tee. The only difference is that my exN hasn’t hoovered me. I don’t think she ever will because I unmasked her–down to.tje bone. And the suck part about it is that I want her to hoover me. I’m gay, too. The circle is small and mine just got smaller after she smeared me to all of our mutual friends. I’m sad
Please don’t hate yourself. She’ll do the same thing to her new GF that she did to you. Don’t beat yourself up! Dust yourself off, move on, and don’t forget the lesson. ✌️
OMg, I feel like crap right now. I just read this article…and am realizing that I am the narcissist in my relationship. I am a parasite. I feel disgusted at the thought, but have been too afraid to go out and live. I don’t enjoy being helpless. I am just so afraid of rejection and failure that I hide in the house and let my husband do all of the work. We do have a child together that I take care of. I am terrible at housework, though. I mean to do it, I just have the worse time following through.. I am depressed so I shop online. I spend money I know we don’t have to spend. I don’t go nuts but I buy clothes and bags and craft supplies when I should not. Lots of times, I lie about what I need the money for. I don’t want my husband to leave me. In my defense, my husband isn’t perfect. He;s a drinker. He’s never cared that his drinking problem hurt the family, either. It’s a mess..the whole thing. What should I do?
You should go out and get a job.
This sound likes my relationship minus the baby. I wonder what advice people would offer you.
I used have a “best friend” that I knew since elementary school. I helped him did a lot of things, including his homework, giving him answers to tests, carrying his books, etc. He insulted me frequently or made bad jokes that made me feel uncomfortable. However, being the naive idiot that I was back then, I put up with it.
I decided to room with him during college. It was a BIG mistake. During this time, I learned the full extent of his horrible personality. He refused to pay fully his share of the rent that we had agreed upon beforehand. He never did any chores and refused to find work. Even though I was paying over 80% of the rent and letting him use the internet that I was paying for, he treated me horribly. He put me down constantly and used insults under the pretext of “teaching me about the real world and socialization”. He never took anything I said seriously and ALWAYS assumed he was right. He never doubted himself but always doubted me, treating me like a total idiot despite his very poor academic record compared to mine.
One day, when I asked him for help in printing a document, he outright refused. In fact, he refused to help me everytime I asked him for help. Several years later, I snapped and argued with him. He promised to change and I believed him. Boy I was wrong to even think that an asshole like him would change so easily. The reality was he only changed on the outside. Inside, he remained the same narcissitc parasite that as he ever was.
I foolishly continued to help him again, this time with legal matters. He thanked me but as usual he had ZERO intention of helping me back in any manner. Later, I got very close into engaging a long term business venture with him. The moment I decided to stop being his friend and cut him completely away from life was when he yelled at me for merely suggesting that we should renegotiate on the business plan. At that time, I had a sudden epiphany and realized that I was being a huge fool for being a friend with a monster for so long.
Totally agree. I dealt with this for “13 years” I tried to explain it to others but they didn’t get it?? But what you wrote was “facts” genuine facts! Thanks.
Sorry. Food bill
I would like to get some opinions. On this. He was always telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was was rarely helped me with the burden of taking care of a house. He loved me but wouldn’t step up to work until recently
We were fighting so much about the splitting of the good bull we had to buy separate food. What do you guys think
I’m not sure I have a parasitic narcissist but I think so. I just asked him to leave my house after 3 years. He did pay rent to me but didn’t want to contribute in any way. I had a beach condo also which we went to every so often for the weekend. He didn’t even think to contribute s case of water while I paid for gas electric condo fees etc. I started a new business took him in as a partner and lent him the money. I did most of the work on the business 90% the first 2 years. He now the last year realizes this business will make him s good living so he’s working hard at it. He occasionally goes into rages and has outrageously damaging behavior. Never owns it. There’s always an excuse or its someone else’s fault. Doesn’t help around the house unless I ask and when I do half the time he annoyed and angry.
So amazed from what I have just read! I have suddenlly realized that I was in a relationship for 1 whole year with such a person. She met with all the characteristics described as above. All of them!!! She took advantage of my feelings for her to get what she wanted using every possible way without any sense of ethics. Sometimes I think I was so stupid to fall in love with such a person. She seemed to be so truthfull in her words about her “unique love” for me, her passion but her acts was constantly showing the opposite. She didn’t care at all for me but just for herself. Every time something went against her masterplan there was a fight. Serious fights with very bad words coming out of her mouth without serious reasons and other acts of clear hate for me without a serious reason which many times led to split. I start to understand the situation I have been into and I realize that I probably have won my life getting forcedly out this relationship.
Thank you so much for this article!
Wow, This website has been an eye opener. I just left my husband of 6 years. I have one child with him.
In the beginning I didn’t really see any of the narcisstic qualities. The abuse started happening right after I had the baby. He would force me to have anal sex. He said if I truly loved him than I should let him enjoy.
His whole family are narcisstic parasites as well. They constantly try to find people who will give them money because they don’t try hard enough. I even was paying his mother $300 a month for several years.
My husband was unemployed for three years. I remember hearing him joke one time, “I don’t need to work I have you.”
It wasn’t until year 6 that I finally realized something was severely wrong. He ignored me for an entire year and gave me the silent treatment. He would only text me. I would cook nice dinners and he would not come home and eat just to be mean to me. He would say things to me like, “I hate your face and you ruined my whole life.” “If you don’t have anal sex with me I will divorce you.”
He threated to take custody of my child and throw me into a mental institution if I told his mother what he did to me.
I can’t believe what I put up with all these years. I can’t believe how patient I was and how much I loved him.
The hardest part for me is that he will never admit to the sick things he did and he will never say sorry. He lies and says he never did anything. He lies so much and is so charming to people that I think he believes his own lies.
I wonder if he really what this person all along and cleverly hid it? The monster of his self-absorption didn’t really show until this year. It is like the ego snowballed into this horrendous person with a black knotted heart and a cold black stare.
No one has looked at me with that much evil in their eyes,it was purely creepy.
For all you givers out there that like to help people. It is really tough when you feel like someone is using you. I felt that damn, I just got played so bad. I took my husband to a 5 star vacation in India a few months ago and he flipped out angry because I didn’t want to have anal sex. I ended up sleeping on the floor in the hotel and wandering around the grounds crying at 2AM.
I am not an idiot, I have 2 Masters Degrees. I am very straight headed and calm. Narcissistic people are so manipulative.
Truly amazing that this loser with no job, just a high school degree, no drive, too good to work, wife buys him his cars got an intelligent woman to pay and support him.
The mind games, the manipulation is crazy. I got away. I was living in the Middle East with this guy. I just packed 2 suitcases and my child. I got on a plane. I got a restraining order.
Now I have to go through a divorce. Please pray I get full custody of my son. He deserves to grow up without learning these horrendous behaviors.
I learned my lessons. I am strong. I will not fall for this trap again. I wish you all luck. It is so difficult to get out of these entrenched relationships.
I just felt so threatened. I feel guilty for leaving too. But, I did the right thing. If I stayed, he would have just screwed me over.
I just had the worst experience of my life with a sociopathic lady and whose family were completely narcissistic parasites. this article explains exactly what i have been going thru. since april i have been telling her i will never be able to accept certain behaviors from her family. freeloading, mooching, using lack of boundaries, actually no boundaries or limits. she promised me she would protect me in the future. so last summer i went to her hometown in the philippines. i said id try it and we will know for sure if we can make it work. well the parasitic behavior started again.asking for gifts, money, coming to my place uninvited , not 1 or 2 dozens of them. organizing events for me to pay etc… anyways we began to argue about it i was going to leave. so she made conditions a little better. i found out she had other online boyfriends sending her money. i kicked her out but we made up. i returned to Xxxxxxxx to work but told her again when i returned i didnt have a good time at all and spent more than i could afford. i gave her money to get a passport to join me in Xxxxxxxx she spent some of the money and it delayed her 2 months. i made other plans at this point to work in another country.well she didnt expect that and she had a melt down.i have been pulling away as i found 3 new male friends on her fb….plus she lied about the passport for months. i notice her stories dont match. i feel used but she love bombs me when im ready to flee. her sister is the same… they are influenced by their parents to get money for them….to find xxxxxxxxxxxmen… i offered her jobs in Xxxxxxxx she doesnt want,,, same with her family…. they dont want… think they deserve at the hands of others… oh yes when i tell her how disgusted i am she tells me over and over.. its our culture…. if i share with others in that country they say the same.. like its ok for them….. if you know of anybody communicating with ladies from Xxxxxxxxxx please warn them about this possibilty. its like a business to some families there. to exploit foreigners and they dont care how much of your time they waste,how much they hurt you.. all they want is your money
I just ended my relationship with my covert parasitic narc. He is a 34 year old man whom i was having long distance relationship with. He pretended or lied about coming from an influential and wealthy family. This man has no skills, daydreams all day long, super lazy, plays video games like a little kid. He exploited me financially and manipulated me for 19 months. Forced me to register marriage secretly… Found out later it was for green card only. The whole time he kept asking and begging me to solve his problems, help him with his personal/work matters. From writing emails to calling insurances, and making doctor appointments. He has no sense of responsibility, but feels so entitled. I had to cook for him, do his chores, clean up after him. Worst thing is he has no shame and told me to buy things for him. And stupidly after being brainwashed and made me feel he is so pitiful, i did buy him lots of stuff. His selective amnesia made me feel something is up with him. So i criticized him and scolded him. He then gave me silent treatment and have his aunt “the proxy” to postpone our wedding. This man is so mentally sick, he pretends to be sweet and gentle, and made me look like the evil person. He tried to convince me that i am crazy, bipolar, borderline, depression. I really thought i was mentally ill and did go to a psychologist. I went to see 3 psychologists and they all said i am fine. A psychologist then told me he most likely has a mental illness called covert narcissism. He said he wanted quiet time for one month… i told him later to fuck off and i dont want to talk or think about him and his psychopathic shit anymore… I have been doing no contact for one month and im better now, healing and getting stronger.
This lunatic has both narcissistic parents (overt father, covert mother), he was abandoned by his parents until 6 years old, his brothers are overt narcs with bipolar. He didnt tell me about his family mental illness til much later and made me feel so manipulated.
He was never worth it. He used me for my family’s power and status, financial reasons, and he tried to tie me down using marriage. He knew there were other men pursuing me, so he got me pregnant 3x. First two times i had miscarriages, the third time, i had an abortion after i found out about his mental illness.
Now that i think about it… There were so many red flags along the way… I chose to ignore them eventho all my friends told me to dump this guy. I thought he was just a shy quiet guy who was unloved by his parents, and never had guidance. I wanted to support him. Wrong! Never ever put anyone as your first priority! Love yourself first before loving others. And use logic, not feelings! Dont ignore warnings. In the beginning it felt like fairy tale. But fairy tale doesnt exist in real world. Real love stands through the test of time. If something is too good to be true, then most likely it is not true.
Unfortunately for me my mother is the parasitic narcissist. Sigh. I always try to explain her to people by saying imagine dealing with a 14 year old, that’s her. A manipulator who pops up when she wants something, usually money, who will ignore phone calls until she wants something. She will spend money in a very blase way, but when it’s time to pay the rent or bills she starts calling around for money, someone else must pay the bills. She is very envious and petty. And I cannot spend my own money and buy nice things (that she can find out about anyway) or drive a nice car because she will always take that as a sign that you got money so she will hit you with the sad stories and the emergency that only your money can fix. I actually had to hide going on a trip to Vegas recently, because if she only knew I would be bombarded for money. It is exhausting dealing with her. The worst part is she didn’t even raise me, but dropped me off at her mother’s. But as soon as I left school and started working she was suddenly my mother. And the bloodsucker hasn’t gone away since. Given that women live really long in my family I find myself facing the horror of being a pensioner taking care of a pensioner who never saved a cent towards retirement, has no real possessions of value and is quite boldly looking forward to being completely taken care of while enjoying a luxurious retirement funded by me! I’ve got twenty years till retirement and I say it now, don’t care if people want to judge me, but I sincerey hope she kicks it long before then.
Wow….this has all been eye opening. Thanks everyone for your contributions here. I am a firm believer in red flags. I’ve been ignoring them all along. Like the mention of life insurance & we weren’t even married. He’s ruined my life, my relationships with friends & family alike, however I’m the bad guy in all of their eyes. I’ve honestly never seen anything like it. He romances everyone he meets & they immediately fall for his charms. Its snakelike to be honest. He had been drinking the other night and said, “that’s why no one loves you.” Questioned about it the next day…he tells me that I’m too sensitive. This man has not only ruined me financially, he’s ruined me emotionally for while. My mother just loves him & calls him before me(he has her yard mowed for her)lol. I have been such a fool for this snake. Previous heroin user should have made me run, but I thought that I could help him. Now he is trying to pull some common law marriage bs on me. Crazy guy!
I had recently end up nearly two year relationship with Narcissistic sociopath and I can tell you only one thing, when you notice or see first sign than RUN quickly. This type of man will destroy all you have, emotionally and mentally try to destroy you. They don’t have feelings, they don’t feel that they are wrong.
Manipulate you and your emotions completely. When they wrong they make you feel that you are the one who should apologize.
Emotionless and very selfish.
One day I will wrote my story here.
Remember to look for first signs
We all have N traits from time to time but not all are parasites. I’ve escaped two women that molded where I am today. Married at 19, divorced by 24 with two boys. Stayed with rebound for 15 years. One was cerebral the other somatic. I was ‘scapegoat’ role for same combination of N parents. I’m a people pleaser, rescuer guy, give till my eyes bleed. I am codependent and feel horrible. I’ve allowed my son (by my own contributions of supply to become a somatic while my other became a cerebral. I’ve taken so many lefts I’m begging for a right.! I came here to learn to improve my surroundings without controlling them. Now I see that a measure of contrition is appropriate on my own accord. I will endeavor to become a solid example to all and to help my own children become better men for it… just being a humbled, grateful, honest human and ‘Dad’. Wish me strength and wisdom please. Thanks everybody!
I am a narcissist. But I take care of myself and am extremely responsible financially. I’m mainly parasitic in emotional aspects of my many simultaneous relationships (Sex and entertainment). But unlike many of the above stories, I’m not an ass. I don’t ruin finances, or cause them any kind of stress. In fact, I’ve actually helped a handful of them through stressful periods and even caused a few to no longer self harm. I’d say 90% of my girls had a positive effect from my relationship. I don’t leave a trail of broken hearts and lives in my wake. I’m not a leech, I’m simply a emotionless, clear headed man who can control any situation or person. But I don’t cause any harm to anyone. I like to think of myself as a harmless narcissist.
Falco not all Narcissists are parasitic. Some do very well for themselves financially. The word Narcissist gets batted around incorrectly quite a bit. Just being unemotional in your relationships does not a Narcissist make. Take a look at the DSM 4 criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You need 5 or 9 to be considered a Narcissist.
I too have a Narccisist, and he fits the pattern very well. What’s not as easy in my case is that he actually gives a lot back. I’ve had a friendship with him for 7 years, and over the last year, I’ve seen surprising growth in him. He is a much harder worker than I am physically.
Though I work a professional job that brings in all the money, he has spent countless days, months, now years helping to renovate my house. I lost my partner of 25 years just about a year ago. He has moved in with me, and I do realize he does a lot of what he does because HE wants to live in a nice house, have a nice yard and nice things. He contributes nothing financially, though he does run all of my errands, grocery shopping, home, auto and house repairs, cooking, etc. I think he does love me in his own limited way, though I think he isn’t capable of being in a “real” relationship, and I don’t think he was really loved by his parents as a child.
Anyway, I recognize the “limitidness” of this relationship, and my codependent role in it. I also understand why he is like he is. I’m okay with the way things are right now, though if he weren’t carrying so much of the weight, I don’t think I’d want to continue things.
Eye on Narcissism In New Orleans
I am in the long process of divorcing my Narc But he has the house and my 20 year old daughter is with him. I am worried that she is now his supply.
Is there anything I can do without becoming entwined again?
Hi..I’m new to this site and am hoping i can get some questions answered. I have been separated from my Harc since March of 2014. He immediately moved in with an ex girlfriend whom he was talking to a few months (had his new supply all ready) before i finally asked him to leave. I tried to get him to take care of some things “ie getting names off some bills put names on others..taking his old cellphone number off his facebook, i gave that phone to my son after his leaving here..stop using my address! He of course did none of those things. I didn’t find out about the timing of the “gf” till i was forced to hack his facebook to delete that number so as to get the messaging from it to stop going to my sons cell! I am just starting to recover from this nightmare of a man! The last 6 to 8 weeks have seen some things happen..i’ve gotten some odd coupons delivered here in his name..he’s had his drivers licence suspended and that information came here….I’ve gotten pay day loan junk mail in his name…and now this week i’m getting phone calls from perspective employers calling for him using an old resume that i made up for him over 2.5 years ago, That isn’t accidental, is it?…I remember what he used to say about this girl when he dated her before..and his family told me other more disturbing stories about her..She isn’t a stable person..Here we have a house a relatively new car bills all paid an up to date…life was really good (for him that is)…His life is from what i gather not a happy one…what does all of this mean…should i be expecting more of this or am i making a mountain of a mole hill???
Wow.Just got rid of my leech, two years of paying, phone bills in which he swooned other women, paying his rent, where he sleep with other women, fed him daily met all his needs while neglecting mine. He was always so charming,I love you etc.. has had 7 jobs in 18th months always because he’s smarter than everyone he’s worked for..always the victim, he’s never a fault everyone is jealous, no one has been through what he has, he couldn’t contribute to the household because he needed to save and get his self togather, but found money daily for Marijuana. Go figure, I finally had enough when he woke me up to ask if my son could take him in my car to buy weed I snapped he’s reaction was is that a yes or no..Really I asked him to leave, told him not to contact me ever…he calls, emails and ask for sex daily.they go I’m finally done! I no longer have a 4th child finally free..I really believed he needed me, and loved me. Not so…he lies constantly about almost everything.Did I mention how charming he is.when I ask him to leave, he text his mom he needs to leave because I was manipulating him.a real winner right. Still seeing text from women he was swooning on the I paid for while he was living and probably lying next me..DI’d I mention I finally done I’m finally free..I thought was all alone in this craziness, sorry I’m not but thankful for the support on this page…Thankyou
This website has helped me so much to realize that I am in fact involved with a Narc who is also an alcoholic. And boy, if you’ve got one of these on your hands, you are in for a world of trouble. I wish there was more info on this site about the double trouble these people ensue. Maybe something to think about?
I am 25 and my N is 34. I knew there were red flags in the beginning but I chose to overlook them because I am a recovering codependent and I wasn’t willing to strand up for myself then but things have changed. He swept me off my feet and within 6 months we lived together. He told me he loved me on our third date. I thought I had met my soul mate and still struggle with that thought because our love is so passionate when it’s right, but when he is in full on drunk- Narc mode, things were so ugly I could barely breathe.
After moving out of his apartment following his deception and lies of hiding booze, drinking more, not communicating and constantly getting caught talking to other women on social media, I had had enough. We went NC for 7 months and even though I was still obsessing over him and wondering how he was doing and if his life truly has gotten better, because he always told me his life “was better when you weren’t in it and I never drank this much”. Well 7 months later I finally hear from him and he reeled me back in just as I was starting to regain my strength and wits. We’ve been on this roller coaster for 4 months now of him professing his love to me and then being a complete ass to me in order for me to pine for him and beg for him back. I would even apologize when I did nothing wrong! With my apologies he’d still ignore me days and then on his terms would tell me when we could meet to talk. Any time we met to talk he would lower his guard and tell me he forgives me, what we need to work on and how he doesn’t want to lose me.
I have finally come to then end of my rope (I hope). The mental abuse it tearing me apart. Whenever we make plans to see each other, he calls me the night before to start some argument at 3,4,5 or 6 in the morning! That’s his M.O… Attacking me while I am asleep and defenseless and he’s wasted. That’s another thing is that he only contacts me when he’s drunk or drugging. He’s too broken to do it when he’s sober during the day.
He finally texted me last night and I received my first apology from him in a long time! He told me that he doesn’t understand why he can be so loving and kind but then the next moment he can flip and be a complete ass. I told him he has to work on these issues and until he’s doing better, we can’t speak. He told me he loved me and we said our goodbyes. I finally felt free! But low and behold, I wake up to my Facebook pictures being commented on with such comments like “weirdo”, “this makes no sense” “you’re weird”. I texted him again and told him that this is exactly why I can’t trust him. He can never just leave things alone and let them be. He has to run through like a tornado and ruin something, tear me down or make me feel unlovable and worthless.
I am really struggling with blocking his number because even though he pisses me off, I still care for him. I’m praying for the strength to just let this man child go.
Wow. What powerful statements all of you have shared. I have a leech too. Hopefully he will be gone the end of January. He is 62 years old, and thinks he should only work part time, while I work two jobs to support us both. In 2 1/2 years he has never paid rent. He has paid a light bill once, and a cable bill twice. He has bought food maybe two times. He has bought me dinner one time, and that was with a gift card he had been given. it isn’t that he can’t work more, it’s that he chooses to not work more. He has skills. He works in radiology. He just thinks he’s much too special to have to work. He smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day….that’ comes out to about $400 per month. That’s one half of the utilities. He will whine he doesn’t have the money to pay his share of the rent and utilities, and then spend hundreds of dollars on a christmas tree with ornaments that he bought. He was highly offended because he decorated the tree with only HIS STUFF, and separated out all of my ornaments from years before he came into my life. YET, he wanted me to call it “our tree”, except that NOTHING on it was mine, or had anything to do with me. In other words, he just wanted me to validate his self absorption. I refused. I put up my own tree, with my own ornaments. I didnt’ give him a gift this year. I refused to accept any from him. I have given him over $25,000 IN FREE RENT for the last 2 1/2 years. He has given me bad credit, late payments, anxiety, and sleepless nights on how I’m going to make ends meet. I can’t wait for him to be gone. He sleeps on the couch with the TV blaring all night long. TOmorrow, I’m taking the TV to my room. I see no good purpose for paying for electricity and television that he does not contribute to. He’s a leech. But when it comes down to himself, he always seems to have plenty of money. He has 50 pairs of boots. He has at least 500 shirts.( I’m not exaggerating). And these are EXPENSIVE shirts. He has Stetson hats that ring a 10X14 room…at least 75 hats. He hoards clothes worse than a Beverly Hills housewife!
His closet is my guest room…because the closets are not big enough to even hold his coats, let alone the hundreds of pairs of pants, shirts, boots, hats, and jackets and vests. He could outfit a movie set.
He also steals things. He has cleptomania. when I would take him to a nice restaurant, he would stick the wrapped silverware on the table down inside his boot. I came home one day, and a kitchen drawer was stuffed full of forks, knives, and spoons and steak knives that HE STOLE from restaurants. He even took the dinner napkins….
I confronted him, and he changed the subject. So you see, I live with a leech who steals.
No remorse. Nada.
I just pray he leaves soon. I predict he’ll probably steal from me. But I don’t have anything of value.
Well! What a coincidence! Mine is 49 and lives, as he has nearly always done, with his parents. Very soon after we got together, he moved in with me – paid nothing towards the rent or the bills, just like at home. He was physically ill and had mental health issues, but spent hundreds and even thousands on bikes. He used to play us off against each other – storm out of mine, go back to the parental home, and vice versa.
I grew up being called ugly by kids at school, then by men in the street. I am autistic (which is probably what they meant). Only attracted men in my late 40s. But I was always so scared they’d leave, I was a pushover, I see that now. I am so depressed about this. Alone for decades, you dream of a fairytale. But I got a nightmare. But my head is full of the vicious opinions of those bullies. How could my relationships with men not be distorted? I am still scared I am too ugly and unlikeable to attract anyone at all.
I am scared I will either find yet another narc, or never have anyone again. Obviously I know I have to work on this. But I feel very raw at the moment.
One small bleakly comical thing – I fancied another man, who is much akin to my ex. My ex knew this (I’d mentioned it to him during one of our many breaks). Nothing ever happened with this man. I suspect my ex turned him against me: he told me they had been talking more. The crush has blocked me on Facebook. But this means my ex has lost the last way he had to even distantly interact with me, because my crush has cut that tie. I have decided to be No Contact with both. My ex, by the way, often laughed as he told malicious tales about my crush, his new “friend.” Oh these people. NC, NC, NC.
This passage right here is the best definition by far I have come across:
“A deliberately, manipulative and exploitative financial and emotional dependence of one person on another. Where one person, consistently takes advantage of the kindness and resources of another, without any desire to reciprocate, or contribute in any meaningful way. This exploitation is fueled by a sense of entitlement, a lack of responsibility, motivation and self-control.”
What I thought was love, was actually textbook abuse.
This man was able to travel the world on someone else’s dime. He sucked money from me like an evil teenage child. I asked him since he was living in my house for free to go get on food stamps to help me, and that started such a huge fight. He still won’t work, instead he tries to ask me, an old host, for money. All he can do is burn bridges. This took 5 years of my life. But what I cannot understand is that after knowing all this, I have this unexplainable feeling for him. I am looking forward to the day that feeling is gone.
This is so helpful. I just pulled myself out of a relationship with a Psychopath. I took 6 years to get away. I started realizing he had lots of problem and was trying to help him…he abused and psychologically manipulated me. I always thought Psychopaths are insane people. When I finally read up on their characteristics, it was describing him to the point. It gave me the courage to pull myself away. thank you for this page. Yvonne M.
I’ve been co-dependent for awhile (I’ll admit) out of upbringing…long story. After my last divorce, I started dating this really “good” guy. the relationship wasn’t rushed, and I was thinking this is awesome. I can’t decide if this guy is a narcissist or not. He isn’t a leech in that he needs someone to take care of him, but he has absolutely no problems taking advantage of people’s kindness without any reciprocation. He has a job (I say that because he’s been at the same dead-end job for 20 year, his own place (dump of a 1 bedroom apt) He only wants you (girlfriend, friend, etc.) when it benefits him somehow,or he needs something. The minute you can no longer do, you almost cease to exist. I witnessed personally once I broke off the relationship. I also have witnessed this to other friends of his when they moved and were no longer available to do his laundry. I am trying to pin this down, only because I am trying to break my cycles. The addicts, alphas, and charismatics all now have flags, but I never would have pegged this guy for one. But after 20 months and everything I have seen and heard since the breakup that nobody thought I needed to know while we were dating, I really do wonder. Any thoughts?
@ HM, yes it is the interaction that he wants with me, any interaction at all whether its angry, nice or non committal shows that I am still reacting to him. I am no contact and I will remain no contact, I’ve grown and changed since breaking up with him and I know I do not want him back, my life has improved considerably so why on earth would I go back to that angry, angry man.
Also your comment in regards to your child and being a single mum, that is me as well, they never see your children as assets they see them as getting in the way of you putting them first. He used to hint about me sending them to live with their dad, he was constantly belittling them his ex before me sent her children away but I couldn’t and wouldn’t but also I couldn’t let it carry on like it was, my daughter hated him and she had never hated anybody in her whole life, she is truely a kind gentle soul, so if it comes down to making a choice, always choose your child. Do you want him to grow up seeing how this man treats you and becoming someone like that? They do see more then you realise, I think mine got sick of seeing me crying! My sons friends also commented on it one day after I had not cooked an egg to his specifications, I look back at myself and wonder what the hell was I doing for those 5 years with him, where had I gone? That feisty independent woman had just completely disappeared.
But I am happy to say, while I don’t think I will ever be that same woman (and I miss her everyday) at least I am becoming someone who is starting to like herself again.
I keep on reading this article over and over. After breaking up 18 months ago and being constantly contacted during this time, with me changing my phone numbers, having him sit down the road from work so he can wave to me, telling him yet again don’t contact me and then him turning up 6 months later two weeks ago at my back door I am at my wits end.
Nothing seems to get through to him, it’s like I am talking to a brick wall. The stress and anxiety is back due to me waiting and wondering where and when he will turn up again.
He is with someone else and like when he lived with me he is not paying rent, he has his own place but prefered to turn my place into a dump by storing all his broken down pieces in my shed (which I wasn’t allowed a key to) and backyard. He wanted to bring his bus up my driveway so he could live in that while using my power and eating my food but I stood my ground over that at least, he liked to just come and go without letting me know when he would be back or where he was, I was supporting my children and him on my salary and he would just throw me a bit of money here and there while watching me stress out about the bills…and then he would bring out all the money he had hidden and show it to me while gloating about what he had saved.
I truly have trouble understanding someone like this and even though I read and read and have aha moments it still doesn’t seem to compute that this is who he will always be. I think I keep waiting for that miracle of him realising that he is hurting people and that he will finally make a change for the better.
@Sandy — I read your post and my reaction was “wow” at your ex’s persistence.
In my experience, I’ve found (to my benefit) that my ex Narc is too damn lazy to stalk me at home or at my job. He’s the type that will just send an email or text, hoping he can get me back with the least effort.
In your case, your ex seems more persistent. I think looking into getting a restraining order may be worth it.
@ Sandy, I agree with Narc Repellent – the restraining order may be something to consider. But before you do, read the Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker (or at least the chapter on stalkers). It may incite him even more.
but mostly, I think he wants the interaction with you – even you telling him not to contact you is what he is after. I would just stay quiet and slip away, using email/phone blocks etc. It is quite unnerving though when they show up or do drive-bys.
Well, no blog has arrived yet on Monday morning. Looking forward to reading it was what got me out of bed this morning! However, I have made progress, just re-reading this one, and realized that I had bought into the idea that I was really the best person for him–but really he is out of narcissistic supply. I didn’t want to think “no contact” was the way I needed to go, but it is. Because contact with him disrupts my serenity and my weak point lately has been “but the least I can do is listen to him.” Listening is feeding him big time. LOL, he even has a harem waiting in the wings ready and able to listen–and I listen–because I think I can help him better? Ooops.
Hi Kathy, so sorry, no blog today. I was away on vacation. I had hoped to get it done in time, but I kept running into delay after delay. As per your comment, I remember saying to a friend of mine, when I was dating my very last Narcissist, “I can’t let him go, he needs me.” She looked at me like I had lost my mind – which I had.
I am soooooo happy to see you write about not wanting to lose your serenity. That makes my day and that’s what it’s all about. The fact that this is a huge consideration for you, shows you are on the right path. Smile and be proud of yourself and remember:
“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person, or event, to control your emotions.”
Toxic people are the reason we need boundaries. When I was finally done with my very last Narcissist I wrote him an email and I said – “No, you don’t get to treat me the way you did and still be a part of my life. (He wanted to be friends)There are consequences for treating me the way you did, and those consequences are – you don’t get to see me, or talk to me anymore.” You see he didn’t want to be friends in the sense of a normal friendship, where there is reciprocity and mutual caring and respect. He want to be friends so that he could still have me whenever he wanted, without there being any expectations on my part. A friendship with him would have been completely one sided and really unhealthy for me. So I had to set the boundary and protect myself. The more distance (emotional and physical) that I had from him the better I started to feel about myself.
The closer we get to self love, the more we realize the importance of boundaries.
I’ve been reading these posts for the past year, scratching my head wondering if this guy is a narcissistic parasite!
He was never dependant on me, however lived between me and his mother! He was well in his late 30s and we has 2 kids together! He was abusive physically and we would often split up and him disappear! I was always aware of ex’s in the background and odd behaviour from him! I’d been accused of been a bad mother, when I fact I provide my kids with a home, hold a part time job, pay my own bills whilst he lived off his mum giving little financial support! He always kept a job, did things for his mother! She passed away 3 yrs ago and he had gotten her to change her will leaving him her house, even though there was a sister! As far as he was concerned he’d earnt it by living there doing things for her whilst his sister lived 150 miles away! Months after he’d gotten her house he sells it, buys a flat, claiming he wishes to went out and have a better life for me and his kids! All the time the kids and I live in a rented council home! His contribution was £100 a week, he was working but I still could not do right! I was selfish to him for working a part time eveniing job and could regularly moan about having to cook for the kids after he’d been work all day! The last straw came when he got drunk and smashed the window at my home! He was removed by the police! However his fibble attemps to win me back failed as I went NC. He tell our kids I’m stuck up and that it wasn’t all his adult and that I constantly went on and on! Lol this is the opposite to my nature as I’m shy and wouldn’t dare shout at him!
A year on I feel more focused by now he has moved his new girlfriend in without actually I introducing her to the kids! He buys exspensive vehicles and antiques for his home and runs my nose in it! I don’t respond ! I’ve found that I’ve been depressed again since this has occurs and long for the day I don’t give a toss, I feel as though my life isn’t moving forward as his is !
Thani you. Your description of not wanting to be contacted was describing my own life. I am supposed to co-parent with this narc, but he has been so abusive at any reasonable request that I haved blocked him from contacting me. Unfortunately, my kids don’t understand this. His charm, wit, gifts to them, and ongoing promises of a better life…. Keep them in limbo of what is realistic and me as the bad guy. Your articles continue to help me to stay focused on staying sane and not allowing this parasite to invade my life anymore!!!!
After I kicked my lazy, parasitic Narc out of my house for good, I hung out with a good male friend for support.
He was beyond angry and disappointed with me.
“What the hell!” he yelled. “WHY did you support his lazy ass? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Do you think my wife would let me stay at home all day, do nothing and play Xbox? WHY did you allow this?”
Since the break-up, I had fantasized about sending my ex an invoice for supporting him for two years. I even looked up any state laws that might be available to take him to court over it.
There is no recourse for me, because I willingly did this. I was a consenting party. I over-gave. No attorney or judge would ever accept this case. I’d be laughed out of the courtroom.
What my friend asked me five months ago is the most important thing I need to focus on. Instead of rehashing and reliving what my ex did to me and took from me, I’ve been examining why I so WILLINGLY gave away my power, self-respect, money, and tangible material things to this loser.
Unlike the leech in Savannah’s story, I was an active, complacent participant in my abuse. Clearly, I thought SO low of myself and must have truly disliked who I am to become THAT much of a doormat and willingly support someone who contributed absolutely nothing to the relationship.
For all of you who are on this site and either supported or are still supporting a parasitic narcissist like I did, please, PLEASE honestly ask yourself and examine WHY you really did this. The answer is not because you loved them. Don’t say it was because of the kids or because you simply have a soft heart. No. There’s more to it.
Look deep into yourself, into your past, and at how you are currently treating yourself. When I did, it brought up memories and feelings that I had suppressed for years. I faced a lot of things I did not want to deal with. It was pretty fucking painful but it had to happen.
I allowed my Narc to abuse me and gave over my power because I am a co-dependent. I think codependents are the counterpoint to a Narcissist. Much like how God can’t exist without the devil, they can’t survive without us. So they seek out and feed off of people like us. I’m convinced they have an internal heat-seeking missile for finding us. Creeps and predatory men have a knack for finding the emotionally weakest, most naïve and vulnerable among the pack.
It has absolutely nothing do with how we look. I long wondered if staying in great shape and always looking fly was good armor to have against creeps, until I talked to a good friend of mine. She is the quintessential California blonde and is model-pretty, and was in a horrifically abusive relationship before she moved to my city. Another friend of mine is a lawyer who has an enviable wardrobe, and he got caught up with a narcissistic woman who leeched off of him.
It’s emotional. It’s like these creeps can sense our weaknesses and what might be emotionally deficient in us.
Your story might be like mine or completely different. But I bet as a child, someone in your life convinced you that you had no worth and got you to believe it, or made you feel responsible for the problems in the household. That is why you are supporting a parasitic narcissist.
I am this way because of the psychologically abusive childhood I had. Reading “Codependent No More” was really rough for me to do, but it’s one of the best things I’ve ever read, because it forced me to REALLY face the question of “why”, a “why” I had ignored for years.
My mother is a Narc and my father is her enabler. During the most formative years of my childhood and my teen years, I was treated like an object by her, not as a person. My sister and I were solely reflections of her, and her ability as a parent.
I learned very early on in my life several great untruths, thanks to having my primary care giver being a narcissist: What I said, thought and felt did not matter. I had to work hard to not upset her (otherwise I’d be screamed at and beaten for the most nonsensical things). My boundaries were never respected: Me saying “no,” “stop,” or “you are hurting my feelings” to my mother yielded either no response or complete and total rage.
I was taught at a very young age to doubt my perceptions and experiences, and this continued until adulthood. My mother often abused my sister and I when there were no witnesses to her behavior, especially when we were children and could not defend ourselves. It was either a verbal assault, or she’d have some kind of narcissistic rage fit and would try to beat us. When I would tell my father or another adult the things that my mom had said or done, she gas-lit me to that person. Called me crazy, a liar or a “just a kid” that was “making it all up.” When I was in my late 20s, I confronted my mother about something she had done when I was a little girl – I had reminded her about one of the times she had beaten me because I had displeased her. “You’re acting just a like a teenager, that never happened,” was her reply. My father always made excuses for my mother and never protected us from her.
Seeing what I had to deal with growing up, it should be no surprise that I grew up to be a highly sensitive person, a codependent who really, really doubted herself and wound up with a Narc who took advantage of my overly giving nature. My mom essentially groomed my sister and I to be treated like shit. My sister unfortunately married a Narc.
Whereas most parents want the best for their children, teach them to believe in themselves and be independent, my mother tore down two innocent children in order to feel better about herself, and because she is mentally ill.
I was not equipped with the same tools that other people were to be successful, strong and self-sufficient, and just to FUNCTION. There are some things that might seem normal to others that is just SO fucking hard for me, because I was taught from day one that I didn’t matter, my feelings and thoughts were invalid, and that asserting myself always brought dire consequences for me (violence and more abuse) and achieved nothing, since my mother was a brick wall. I was groomed to NOT speak up for myself and to not say anything.
In short, the way my ex boyfriend treated me felt like home. My wants and needs did not matter, every boundary I put up with him would be broken through, torn down or invalidated. The way he verbally made me feel self-conscious and worthless struck a nerve with how my mother talked to me.
I paid for, literally, for an illusion of love with him. I did not do it because I was stupid. I did it because I was broken. I did it because I wanted to believe his excuses and lies. I did because I wanted his affection. I did it because I ignored every red flag about him. I did it because I did not love nor respect myself.
I’ve learned that it is ASTOUNDING as to what a person will endure when they simply have no self respect.
Leaving my N was a huge step in learning to love and respect myself and how to be my own best friend and No. 1 advocate. It took more than 30 years, but being with – and leaving my N – led me to face the root of what was hurting me, how I was hurting myself and why I allowed myself to be treated so poorly in my romantic relationships and other aspects of my life.
I can’t change the past. I also can’t vilify my mother forever for what she did. But I’m no longer that helpless child. I have control of today and tomorrow. I can fight for my own life and learn to be my own best advocate. I am the author of my fate.
My mother and N have no more power over me to edit my story.
If I can make it, you can make it. If I can wake up and get out, YOU can get out!
@NarcRepellaent
wow, very powerful realization. when reading through your comment i couldn’t hold my tears as it resonated so deeply with what i had been through my childhood. my parents were both so abusive – physically and emotionally. i feel i was born to supply and provide them emotionally, to take care of them when they are emotionally unstable. yeah, its more like they used me and needed me there to emotionally provide and support their inherent emotional instability. i was never regarded as someone with feelings and needs. i grew up avoiding from all the things that will make me happy and loved – because i felt deeply not deserving to be treated with love and belonging. My needs and feelings were absolutely prohibited to be exposed. and i learn to repress them up until recently. as growing more awareness, i am firmly deciding not to accept any more treatment like my parents’ and reviving this feeling of deservedness of better things that will make me happy, that will honor my feelings and needs and that matches my values and my truths of who i am deep inside. it is still painful to let go off all those bad memories, but i can’t let myself living through life that is reflected from others. i won’t give up on myself, until i learn to love myself completely, owning myself and making myself happy and standing on my feet firmly grounded on the truth of who i am really, what i want and what i was born for.
Narcrepellant
I would like to be in contact with you. I have a similar story.
I don’t know if you’ll get this but
Schud1234 at gmail dot com
@Oranj — Sorry that my post triggered these painful feelings. Reading your reply gives me hope. I admire you for not giving up. You definitely have a strong, fighting spirit.
Responding to NarcRepellant here, excellent point about the not trusting your own feelings as a child. I never thought I was abused as a child, but I certainly wasn’t loved and respected for the little person who I was; I was never good, however, and I totally believed that I wasn’t, even though in my heart I didn’t see why I was so bad. I’m not going to repeat your entire post, but I certainly could because it rings so true of my feelings.
I guess I thought no one would ever love me because I was a single parent. No one would ever accept me with having a child. In fact, towards the end, he said multiple times “do you know how many people ask me what it’s like to date someone with a kid??” and “you should be more appreciative that I don’t leave you!”
I want my kid to be seen as an asset to the relationship not something to be endured. Fuck him.
I cannot thank you enough of all your wonderful articles. You have helped me through this past 6 months of being with a narc for 3 years. This parasite is exactly as you described. Thank you for the therapy.
As usual you blow me away each week with your insight. I don’t know where I would be in the painful journey of recovery and no contact without your articles. Some days I try to convince myself that maybe just maybe he isn’t a narc because it hurts so much to think I was never truly loved when I gave every ounce of my soul and essence to him but than reality hits and I see him described to the T in each article you write. Something happened this weekend that kind gave me closure and the clearest sign he is a full blown narc…. during the 3 years we were together I gave him thousands of dollars, it always seemed he was broke could not find a job, was depressed and lost. He always was in debt to someone he had borrowed money from and because I loved him and did not want him to hurt I wanted to ease his burdens…I didn’t care because I thought as he always said ” we are one”
I tried thru my contacts overseas to get him a job while he slept all day, and hung out with his friends in the evening.
Living in his parents apartment alone and living off his father’s poor retirement money he gave him each month.
he never spent any money on me never really ever gave me a gift yet I showered him on each visit with an IPad , IPhone, clothes, leather jacket, Chanel cologne, Polo T shirts plus before I would leave to come home I always left money with him cause I knew he was struggling and I loved him. I also spent thousands on the immigration attorney and fees to process his visa to come to the states and I was able to get him a business class ticket here with my mileage. I wanted his trip to the states to be the best to make him feel special. Now my financial situation is not the greatest and I am paying for being so stupid.. anyway this weekend after 6 weeks of no contact my cousin decides to call him to see if she can humiliate him into paying me back what I spent on him.. she hated hearing that I was struggling to buy school supplies for my girls….
she gets him on the phone and I am listening to her side of the conversation.. she said he sounded robotic, dead inside.. not the one she knew and had a decent relationship with.. she told him I was having difficulties and he should be a man and return the money I spent on him… that in our culture its highly embarrassing for a man to accept money from a woman.. she addressed it with him on all levels .. culture , family etc.. she reminded him of all I did for him and when he needed help I did the impossible to make it happen – that I even borrowed money to send him when he needed it.. his only response ‘I don’t have it and if I did I would use it for myself and my residency issues” he said he felt was fair with me and that he refused to borrow money in order to help me out” He never once said ” how is she? I’m sorry? when I have it I will send it? nothing!
His only thought was himself – she later said that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings but she felt that when she spoke to him it was like he didn’t even know me – not one hint of emotion or regret or anything!!
I offered this man the moon. I bent over backwards, sideways every way you can imagine and 6 weeks later it’s like I never existed and the 3 years we were together meant nothing. All I can say now is I believe in Karma and what goes around comes around.
Enough said. You just described my wife of 28 years. She wanted to be a stay at home mom raising our girls with no emotional connection to her host. 2 weeks after our youngest left for college she asked for a divorce. She couldn’t leave immediately for her affair partner because she had her reputation to uphold.
This piece describes her to a T. I will now refer to her as my leech. Great analogy. Keep up the awesome articles.
Savannah,
Everytime I think I have read your best article, along comes another. This one, once again describes my ex-Narc down to the penny. Thanks for your insight for those of us that cannot quite yet “see” the truth.
He’s definitely a parasite. His psychologist described it to him as him being the sea lamprey and me being the trout–EVEN THOUGH HE DID FINANCIALLY SUPPORT THE FAMILY. The feeding was that he was feeding on me emotionally–demanding that I meet his evey need–in addition that I take the responsibility for seeing that he passed his boards, did his continuing education, got to work on time, and took care of the finances. I wanted to believe it was a partnership, but it wasn’t. He brought in the pay check and that was just about it. So now he projects big time that I got half of our worth in the divorce settlement (actually only about 40%). To him it was all HIS. His house, his land, his forest, his daughter, his wife, his cars, machinery–everything–and I stole half of it from him, including his SUPPLY. I, being such a nice person, thought for the longest time that the least I could do to a fellow human being was to LISTEN to him, but that was like throwing tidbits into the water to a shark. It will not be until I give him NOTHING that he will leave the side of my boat for other waters.