A Narcissist’s greatest advantage is that their behavior is often contradictory, inconsistent and inexplicable to those closest to them. People remain stuck in these toxic relationships, because of the mixed messages they receive and the web of deceit and confusion they’re caught up in.
When we understand what they’re doing and why they’re doing it, we can make some sense out of the madness and recognize it for what it is. We can then also begin the process of extricating ourselves from the crazy making and bring ourselves back to a place of stability and peace.
People are constantly emailing me telling me just how amazed they are at the similarity of their experiences with Narcissists and there’s a reason for that. When you have a number of people playing the same game and hoping to obtain the same results, they’re going to share a lot of the same techniques, because well…they work.
There is no school that doles out Master’s Degrees in Narcissistology. Most Narcissists feel their way through life, honing their skills through trial and error. Many have been developing these skills since they were children and they’ve become quite good at using, manipulating and deceiving.
For the Narcissist there really is only one end game – control. Here’s how they do it.
Lying 101
Everyone tells a lie now and then. “You look great in that,” or, “Sorry I can’t make it tonight I have a thing.” People usually lie because they don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings, or to keep themselves from being inconvenienced. Narcissists lie to control their victims. In the first example it’s to cause confusion and doubt, but mostly it’s so they can get away with things they know you’ll be upset about. This type of lie comes so natural to the Narcissist that they don’t even think about. Many are so good at coming up with stories they should do improve.
Narcissist: “Oh you called me last night. Sorry babe I didn’t get it. I was at my Grandma’s helping her move furniture. She got a new sofa so we had to haul the old one outta there. Then she made us dinner and my phone was outta charge.”
This example is an actual text I got from my boomerang Narcissist – the truth was that he was at some girl’s house getting busy, but this type of lie has gotten him out of jams before and it was believable, so I felt bad and he lived to fight another day with me.
Some lies are meant to manipulate. These are deliberate attempts to confuse, mislead and control.
Narcissist: There’s this place outside, it’s so beautiful. That’s where I want to get married. I can’t wait to show it to you. You’ll love it.
The above line is a text I got from the same boomerang Narcissist. To the casual observer one would think that these two people were talking about their wedding. But in reality what’s really going on here is a form of future faking – intent to mislead one into thinking that there was a very serious future being mapped out. This individual had no intention of marrying me, this was a carrot he was dangling to control me and keep me from leaving.
Another type of lying is the puff up – where they blow up the reality of events to make themselves look good.
Narcissist: This guy was mouthing off and everyone was ducking out of his way. I walked up to him and told him to shut up and then I clocked him right in the face. That shut him up quick. The reality was more like – guy was a little loud – Narcissist sat there quietly brooding in the corner.
Lies are an excellent tool in the Narcissists tool box. It’s a versatile utensil used to deflect responsibility. It can get the user out of a quick jam, it can be used as a control mechanism, or it can be used to create the right image the user is trying to convey.
Projection 102
Projection is a handy tool for the mildly committed Narcissist. It’s another deflection technique, which allows him or her to escape having the spot light put on them by redirecting it back at you. This is my personal favorite If you want to know what a Narcissist is up to – pay attention to what they’re accusing you of.
Narcissist: What do you mean where was I last night? Where were you? I tried calling you and you didn’t pick up. Yeah I know where you were alright. You were with that Brad guy last night – weren’t you? I saw the way you were looking at him. That’s what you do when you go out it isn’t it? You go over to Brad’s. You’re such a sl*t.
Narcissists will commonly blame you for something they’re doing. This is a huge red flag, so if out of the blue and with absolutely no evidence, you are accused of something so outrageous and salacious, rest assured that your Narcissist is attempting to justify and reconcile their own horrific behavior.
“If she’s doing it then so can I,” they will tell themselves, even though they know you’re not doing anything. It allows them to deflect responsibility back to you, making sure that they keep none for themselves and at the same time it keeps you off balance. It has an important purpose, which is take you off of offense and put you on the defensive, so that you’ll think twice about accusing them again in the future.
Triangulation 103
A Narcissist’s utopia would probably consist of an endless supply of people all vying for their attention, eager to smoother them with love and affection. A Narcissist with options is a happy one. They know that when they are in a relationship they’re not supposed to act like they’re single, but for most this is an impossible expectation. When the potential to gain supply is right in front of them, they all have a hard time resisting. You could find yourself at a bar with friends and your Narcissist is paying way too much attention to all the new comers at the table. My long-term Narcissist was famous for this.
They would leave the night thinking he was interested in them, believing that I was no challenge to them even though they knew I was his girlfriend. I would be sitting there feeling utterly humiliated and angry, but he would come back with a story like, “I was just talking to them because they were strangers to our group and I’d want someone to make me feel comfortable if I didn’t know anyone.” This is another actual statement from my long-term Narcissist. The thing that should be obvious by now is that you can’t win. At the end of it, I felt bad, because he was just trying to be helpful. As if.
One of the things that would drive me crazy about my boomerang Narcissist was the constant beeping of his phone. It was always going off and he was always texting a secret someone. When your Narcissist is in demand he wants you to know it – sort of. Even if they deny that anything’s going on, your mind will be filling in the blanks making you act nuts. It’s meant to erode your self-esteem and keep you feeling insecure.
With this one technique, they have managed to keep you not only hooked and fixated on them, but fighting for them as well, angry not at your Narcissist, but at the other man or woman, trying to trespass on your territory. This is all good news for them. The more out of control you’re feeling, the easier you are to control.
Gas Lighting 104
My long-term Narcissist had a nickname for me. It was Altz, short for Alzheimer’s, a disease of the mind that consists of dementia and memory loss. I was in my twenties at the time, so the chance of me developing that disease was beyond improbable.
He would constantly say things like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about Altz,” “You don’t remember anything, so don’t try to tell me how it happened – Altz,” or, “Don’t listen to her, she has Altzheimer’s.” He would always call me that name, it was a preface he would always say to me and everyone around us to make sure we understood that my version of reality was misconstrued and his point of view was the only one we should be paying attention to.
I can recall conversations we would have were he would say something like, “The sky is blue,” only to say a few minutes later that he never said that. Narcissist’s love the confusion they create. They love the control it gives them and the smoke screen it allows them to hide behind. They mix lies with the truth, blame those closest to them and attempt to convince their nearest and dearest that there is something wrong with them. The more confused you are, the more in control they feel.
The moment my long-tem Narcissist walked out of my life I was surprised at just how quickly my Alzheimer’s cleared up and how good my memory had become.
All of these tools mentioned here are dangerous forms of mental abuse, used by emotional manipulators to control their victims. If you find yourself relating to anything here, start paddling for the shore, because the boat you’re on is sinking. Get yourself on firm, stable ground before you start to lose yourself in the madness. I promise you once you’re out of their toxicity you’ll realize just how ‘not crazy’ the air really is.
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I didn’t even see the real him and I thought it was my fault all these things happened. Every birthday of mine since I’ve been with him a total disaster. Every relationship of mine mostly with family has gone sour because he plays the charming innocent ( covert totally) guy who’s never cheated on me not once in 26 years. Bull s___t. He was having an affair secretly with my own cousin. He claims to get back at me for having boyfriends. Any one not female who engaged in conversation with me was said to be a boyfriend. He ducked out always during moves or garage sales, I thought he was a really hard worker. He used work as his cover to keep us always never reaching that intimate place he took me to so I’d fall head over heels for him. People need close connections to survive. He certainly had a lot of them. He was so offended to learn that I didn’t die from him casting me aside1,000 Time’s. He was mad people enjoyed hanging out with me. Being in that kind of relationship is though attracts even more narcissist because they are looking for emotionally starved but good humans. . My husband never told anyone the whole story. He always left out what he did wrong. And he exaggerated and made up things about me then we would be on the freeway going to my sisters house and he would scream mean untrue things at me and drive crazy all the way there. I’d be so shook up I couldn’t hide it. I’d tell my sister but she would be so Unempathetic it was so strange.. I avoided the car rides with him. I had no idea though that he was making visiting with my family a regular thing. He even helped them for months work on their Halloween set up and he would never even stop to help me put any holiday decorations at home. He hated that stuff and wouldn’t spend a dime if I asked him too. He was so totally fake and everyone’s best friend but behind closed doors he was a complete monster. I say now he is just an evil person period trying his best to destroy me and my family. I wish I could stop him. the more I protest the more he does it. He ignores his own son and grandson who live just 50 minutes away. For his sons birthday he sends 500.00 but for my side of the family he complains about spending 20.00!)
Going back to these boyfriends. Yes I made a few friends that would help me get things done. My husband set me up He managed to let my family know about my boyfriends. Not telling them of how he constantly abandoned me leaving to fix the huge messes he just walked away from but my name on everything. Yeah, we had a small used car business for 6 months and it in my name and my father’s money. It was doing ok. I knew it would take awhile to build.. but we were both now near our parents so that was good. Summer came which always came every year. We would get through the lean months. I knew it he hard but we could do it. He up and splits and runs off to Santa Barbara and leaves me alone to deal with closing everything and get out of two leases. Obviously I needed help closing office and getting cars to auction. He left no money for me. Something he still does. It took me 5 weeks but I did it. And I arrive in Santa Barbara to find he had rented a tiny one bedroom apt right on the beach there. I had two kids. So he really must have been bummed looking back at it all now that I showed up. Boy was I naive. I was completely clueless to his games. I was so dumb .
Well I’ve woken up now . It gets dangerous when they know you’re about ready to make a move to end the madness. Please pray for me. Thank you
I am married to a narcissist. For 4 years, I was unaware of his issues and believing our relationship struggles were all rooted in my past (sexual abuse, emotionally absent parents, PTSD – seemed believable…) or because he is from a different culture that I couldn’t understand (yet which I lived in, learned, along with the language).
I did everything I could to improve on myself and on my role in the relationship (cause you can’t change other people, and as a Christian, I believe marriage is worth fighting for, and that turning the other cheek can sometimes inspire the other party to ‘man-up’. I visited counsellors and healing retreats, read books, tried couples therapy, you name it. Nothing got any better.
The crazy-making, projecting, gas-lighting, treatment took a huge toll. My body reacted to all the emotional stress I was supressing through psychosomatic symptoms that my doctor could not explain. After a while, I was prescribed anti-depressants. Still, eventually I got to the point that I was seriously contemplating suicide. Thankfully, I had friends to call who guided me into a hospital: where I was finally hit with the reality that there was something very, very wrong.
Fast forward eight months of talking to a specialized partner-abuse counsellor (just me and her), I have come to the conclusion that it is emotional abuse which is ongoing and for which my husband is unrepentant – actually, he doesn’t even acknowledge that anything is wrong with him at all. I’ve also read some awesome books which have affirmed and enlightened me: When Loving Him is Hurting You (Dr. David Hawkins, Christian); Rethinking Narcissism (Dr. Craig Malkin) and Divorce and Remarriage in the Church (Dr. David Ingstone-Brewer, also Christian) and of course, the classic Boundaries series (by Cloud & Townsend).
I still love him and believe that he is sick, like all psychopaths, and needs extremely deep healing. Unfortunately, a person needs to realize there is a problem before you can begin change, and narcissists are not good at this.
I have decided I cannot live with him anymore, for the sake of my own mental health, and will not continue in this marriage if he does not wake up to his issues. It is heart-wrenching and scary too, making drastic change in your life, especially when your narcissist realizes he is losing control over you. He has started pulling on my heart strings again, using the same pretty wording that has led me to stay with him for this long. I want to believe him, but I know I have to stick to what I KNOW, not what I wish were true.
Boy, after reading this site, I can see if very plainly. First of all, I met this woman at work, very pretty and seemed to have the makings of a nice person. Over time, and it took almost 3 years, we grew to know each other pretty well. In fact, as weird as this is, I think I know her better than most people, BUT without her knowing it, she tipped her hand at some things she didn’t know she did.
At one point in time, we grew ever more closer to the point that I really fell hard for her, the real problem is, I’m married, she isn’t, and I know bad bad bad, but some things just happen. I decided to leave my job for another job, so for a week I didn’t speak to her, and in fact avoided her. At the end of that week and two days before leaving this job, she managed to catch up with me. At that point she asked me, with the look of all seriousness, and concern, “what’s wrong, are you mad at me and what did I do”. Well stupid me, said “I’m not mad at you Shari, in fact it’s 180 degrees different than that, my feelings for you have crossed the line”, at which point she returned with as have mine for you. Well, with that, my heart seemed to leave my body. Anyway, after a week or so my boss begged me to come back, which I did. When I was passing by her office, I stopped to say high etc, but apparantly I stood there too long for her office partner and she said to Shari, “That’s creepy” which of course I took as calling me a stalker. Anyways, things really blew up from there, Shari and I had a discussion immediately at which point she said she can just turn off her feelings like a light switch, which I don’t believe perhaps some of you think one can, but I don’t. In fact, here we are 8 weeks later and she avoids me like the plague. In talking to HR about this, as they know what happened as well, the HR director told as a quote from Shari, she’s afraid I’m going to yell at her, now does that sound like a rational 50 year old woman to y’all? So here we are today, and I’m still wondering what the hell happened, did she really turn off her feelings, or are they still there and she’s afraid of them, it almost seems like the later to me, but I don’t know.
On her being a narcissist, it appears so as she will “steal” the conversation in her meetings at work. She will bring absolutely stupid stuff to make herself look good, and in fact just last week they were talking about her boss having shoulder surgery, she spoke up out of the blue, “It’s no big deal, my brother had the same surgery……..” you get the idea. Everyone was like shocked that she would do that, but of course no one said anything.
So, am I really dealing with a narcissist, or am I just dealing with someone who doesn’t want to deal with her own “REAL” feelings? I need some help here, as everytime I think I can move on, something happens where I can’t.
Now that we all know the warning signs, let me please ask that the next time you encounter a person like described here you RUN as fast as you can BLOCK immediately, and don’t look back. I have a narc father, dated narc men, and just recently started dating a man who….guess what, is a narc. I’m a magnet for these guys. It’s different now, because through extensive research into the subject, I can now smell their BS 10 miles away.
If they always take forever to return your texts or calls…even if they initiated the contact, that is a mind game.
If they confuse you to their whereabouts…that is a mind game.
If they call their exes crazy….be warned. Are they really certifiably crazy? Or is that a way to devalue and demean this woman? Did they make these ladies crazy??? Probably so if you’ve already felt confusion with them. And how dare they be that objective when there are 2 sides to every story. Claiming they are crazy is them playing the victim and putting it all on the ex.
Do they compare you to their exes? Huge red flag.
If you set boundaries do they criticize them?
All of these things along with above mentioned in this article are what I just experienced with this last guy. Lasted 1 month, then I bailed completely. I texted him to let him know I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything further, and of course, he tried to turn it around on me. Without any response back, I just blocked him completely.
Thank you for this article, it was all true. Unfortunately I stayed far too long and lost it all. I am currently fighting to keep my daughter from the narcissist who abandoned her more than two years ago. Got in a truck and left. Prior to that, she spent two years, slowly watching my descent into madness as I couldn’t make sense of things: like why I had to beg her to spend time with the kids, why I had to tell her it wasn’t okay for her ex-husband, who when she met me, told me she hated and how abusive he was, only to become his best friend, pitting me against him. The only thing I have in this life now is my daughter. Personally, my brain is shot from all the lies, the manipulations, the abuse, the gas lighting, the threats of cops, the faux reconciliations…because for some stupid reason, I really wanted to believe she changed each and every time and would a) help me heal from the trauma she instilled and b) help me raise my daughter, so she could have a dad and a mom.
Oh my gosh, I have texts that look just like the examples. This is so true. Thank you for the read. This was so good to see I am not alone, or the only one with these experiences.
Experience these flags while working at a starbucks.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I was in a 14 month relationship with a narcissist that ended two months ago when he went silent. I then went no contact to the point of shutting down social media and moving. I’m in my mid-50s and never had met anyone like him. For the first seven or eight months, he was a dream come true. Then he started these games. Actually, he was pulling these games in a very minor way also when he was winning me over. At six months he was ready to plan our future together, making big plans, told me he loved me, blah, blah, blah. Then he stopped asking me questions about myself, refused to answer anything he didn’t want to and blamed me when he got caught with his hands in the cookie jar. I broke up with him in a proper fashion by first trying to talk to him about our issues (he refused), then telling him why I was leaving. After four months, he contacted me and told me he had made a mistake and for six weeks the guy I first met and fell in love with returned. Then the games began again. What led to this latest silent treatment was I asked him how he felt about me. He refused to answer and called me psycho. Anytime I called him on anything, he’d call me psycho. I sent him a message and told him this passive-aggressive bullshit had to stop because I have epilepsy and had to take care of myself and much more. He yelled at me about my epilepsy and blamed me for letting it bother me. I told him not to try to duck out by making this about epilepsy. It was about his silent treatment. Finally, after being accussed of everything he could think of, I blurted, “I don’t love you anymore. You are talented in killing that emotion.” That was it. I have moments and days when I forget all the shit he put me through, but then I force myself to remember and read what I have from him. He also had a habit of flirting and sending gifts to a woman 30 years his junior, 20 years mine, when he wanted to hurt me. He was doing this big time when I shut down social media. I thought I was going crazy with confusion. How anyone could survive this kind of abuse for long is frightening to imagine. Thank you all again.
I met my narc on line. We are both seniors. My wife had passed two years prior. She was a dream come true. She was a beauty and well mannered and intelligent and had great fashion sense. What a find. After three months I realized she was a great liar and manipulator. But I didn’t give up. Two years later I finally had it. I wasn’t going to stand any more lies and manipulation. I was tired of being pulled in to her and then pushed away. The end came when she canceled a dinner date. When I asked her why she canceled she said, “That’s none of your business.” That was it. I was furious. Later she told me she didn’t say that and I misunderstood her. To me she was an amazing women but she was a narc and she totally drove me crazy with her lies and deceit. We would have an incredible evening and the next morning I would get an email saying I hurt her feeling so bad she couldn’t sleep. This happened to many times. Three weeks ago I went silent. I will not contact her again and I’ve blocked her from contact me. I’m done. No more lies and manipulation.
Lloyd
Thank you for clearing up the fact that I am not alone. I’ve been in love with the most real definition of narsisisist that all of you can imagine. I thought it was me the first time he left and felt horrible for him, he said he wanted to make his own family work…. that should have told me everything I needed to know since we had a family and had been together 2 years already. I let him go but I begged him to stay before that. I begged with all my heart… for some reason I could never figure out I was so dependent on him when I have always been the most independent person I know (not bragging). But literally I was so depressed and wanted to die. I could barely compose myself but with God I maintained composure. My children in their innocent young hearts were being forced to grow up far too quickly right in front of my eyes. But what could I do? He wanted to be with his boys…. and as a Christian I had to support him and forgive him… 11 weeks later and 3 weeks into me dating another wonderful man he missed me. Was this an answer to my prayers? Had God really given me the desires of my heart? Or was this from the devil? I actually asked him where he was coming from, God or the devil? Of course he was from God and he loved me so much and thought about me everyday. He wanted to get married right away (never happened) but we had to move out of the town I now know he was embarrassed to live in…. we relocated an hour away and tried our best to make a better life… I won’t lie I was a little bitter… a lot scorned…. embarrassed, numb, confused, and socially nothing… coming from being the girl who had it all… the life of the party… the one with the contagious personality. I fell out of church eventually… my church was just too far to drive for him… I became an empty shell with no purpose then finally months after the relocation be popped the question… I was blindsided. I never thought he would ask me. Suddenly I was back into my bubbly self doting him and being at his beck-n-call. This was February. I immediately booked our honeymoon cruise to the Bahamas and started planning… he never cared… I could plan everything just how I wanted… only he wanted big and all the balls and whistles. Time marched on and my fiance turned into a man who often questioned outwardly our marriage leaving me worried and fearful of ebarrassment once again…. our data would have been October 11th 2015 but a week before it happened his ex wife the one he left me for before shared 8 months worth of private (and xrated) messages between them…. I litterally found out that he didn’t want to marry me thru the messages he sent her bashing not only me but our kids… I died. My kids had no mother and he had a tumor he wanted to rid, me! He didn’t want her and was furious she told on him but he didn’t want me either AGAIN! My family hates him by now and I move with my parents to separate and give him time to think about what he wanted…. I came back and he left he didn’t want me at all but then his truck tore up and he couldn’t get back and forth to work so I let him tell me how much he missed me one more time… But by now I had started abusing my meds just to push thru the day. I was a dead girl walking. My poor babies knew mommy was sick and loved me thru it. I committed myself to rehab and thought they would reach me why I kept allowing this to happen to me but more to my kids. I was a great mom when he may me and now to be nothing near… I crumbled but to my surprise he realized how much he loved me while I was away…. I could feel his heart for the very first time ever… I hadn’t realized I didn’t feel it before because I never did, but truly I felt it this time… I got better… we both did however he quickly learned about a new drug and left me again several months later. I morned it just the same as the first time and let him come home after a 6 month binge and countless new woman… But he got arrested and since we never married dfcs was called I passed the drug test and had to sign a paper to stay away from him… they my story do you know how hard it was… it was impossible and I failed… currently my kids have been placed in my mother’s home for 45 days and I am not allowed to spend the night with them…. I choose wrong. I am a piece of shit for it but I really believed him. I thought he would fix it and as we speak I am in our home with no lights, and he is riding around in my car God only knows where… what is wrong with me. I know what he is but how do i leave him alone. I really need solid and understandable advice. i miss my babies. Thanks in advance.
You gave me hope Thank you. Anyone have a room for rent in the Loa Angeles area?
Jenn~
I may soon have your room to rent (north L.A.) once I get my unfaithful Narc husband out of my house. First order of business after filing for divorce, send the little lady a dozen yellow roses for getting that POS out of my hair. Seriously. He’s HER problem now. Happy days are here again! Stay strong my friends, and BELIEVE you are better off living a Narc-Free existence :o)
I read this and it is exactly right on the mark. I have been without my ex husband the narc for 6months now. I kicked him out of my house and I say it is my house because he does not own it nor can he have half as I was smart enough before I bought it to put it in one of my families name plus he also had to sign a prenup. Right now, I get text messages on my phone from him, asking how I am doing and other crap but one thing I know, I do not respond. NO CONTACT period!!! This is whats called Hoovering, as they need a little boost in their fuel when they are empty. Do not respond, do not have contact and if you run into each other, do not talk to them…..make like they are ghost even if they come up and speak to you. Ignore them completely even if you have others around.
I have blocked this nar from my phone but seems to get through, I only keep his stuff because it is important to document their behaviour especially when they do worst.
Be aware they can be dangerous and it does not matter at that moment what they do, so please be safe and unfortunately, on guard.
I went for help and it was the best thing I did so do not hesitate to invest in yourself.
Im at a critical part and that is the danger. The best thing i’m doing is moving out of the town where we both live and start a new beginning but first Im renovating my home as he destroyed it literally and with no help in wanting to fix it.
People ask me in town where I am moving too and I do not tell them as I do not want the narc around me and my life period. I have my daughters to be with and my own insanity now.
The best thing i have noticed is that I do not shake like i’m scared. I don’t walk on egg shells, I can come and go when I please, I don’t have to feel lonely as i did in that marriage. I am a better person and as much as i understand about narcs is that I don’t have anytime for them period and I have come across some people whom I befriended and found them right away with red flags so I walked away and do not let them in my life. You learn right away about people and you are the best one to see the red flag.
The only thing right now i am going through with is accepting that he will be dangerous! I am not afraid and I will not live in fear. Yes I can move, yes I can change my life and yes I can be safe and yes I can defend myself if I have to physically.
Oh and mine got physical on me and they can do this as their next step, so don’t think for one minute they are just verbal they will be physical and loose it on you. I lost hearing in my one ear and I was pushed, shaken in bed and threaten and the narc still blamed me, so I have no empathy for this narc at all and will never.
Please walk away, get help and do not stand for that behaviour at all cause they can do more harm than you think!
Best of luck and this article is perfect.
How do deal with rejection from my adult children? It saddens me that they have never asked me why I made ex narc/bpd, porn addict, abuser, and womanizer leave after 35 years. I feel so alone and abandoned. I would like to tell them what really happened but don’t want to alienate myself any more than I already am. I left with nothing. I struggle terribly with depression. Where do I go from here? Should I just drop it and move on??
Wow, did this article hit a nerve or what ?
There’s alot of pain we cannot see.
Be kind to people always. They may appear in public as strong but they go home and break down from hiding their pain.
One thing I’d like to address is that by staying with a narcissist/psychopath you are teaching your children to marry into it also. Don’t let religious, well intended people determine your life. They aren’t living with it…you are.
Your kids need to see a healthy parent. Get out , the sooner the better for them. Think of your new life as an adventure of possibilities or at least a home of peace and happiness.
Oh, I hear you on the adult kids front… I struggle with this as well. What is really hard is to hear his words come out of their mouths.
I think moving on is crucial. Keep a journal. Do the things that will leave a legacy for your children that you can be proud of. You are the role model. They deal with the abuse as well. The better you do, the better they will do and the more skills and wisdom you gain and share the more they will learn and grow. It’s better to put your energy into yourself then fighting him anymore and they will notice your graciousness.
I was married to this crazy madness for 32 yrs and now divorced 8 years. Women use to always say they could have my husband if they wanted to and I thought it was normal catty behavior. He even encouraged my sister to believe they had a forbidden love , although she did try.
And when were in court trying to settle the property he has the judge completely gas lighted. This last time he told the judge he’s fighting for his life with Throat cancer and only has 2 to 5 years so the judge gave him that time to continue staying in it and not selling it as was agreed to happen in 2014…then as he walked off he said it may be 10 yrs or more…meaning I’ll never make a penny on my home.
He lied on every issue just to keep the hearing in turmoil , with his adult daughter right there knowing the truth.
He befriended a woman who is vindictive and hates me to plot against me and she attacked me from behind at a restrant. She is also a major Narcissist and abuses her spouse.
I left in fear to a safehouse 8 yrs ago and though I struggle physically and financially I am at peace and work at finding myself.
I do not trust so I don’t date.
Strangely it’s sad because he does not value his kids or grandkids and has no communication because of his alcohol problem and his obsession with hooking up with sleazy woman, that has resulted in him having HPV at 64 yrs old.
Find peace and sanity , you deserve a better life. And don’t be so hard on yourself. Abusers can be precribed as charismatic.
Love , hope , and happily ever after to you all.
vconnie50- I’m about 8 months into my escape. This article, counselours, and domestic violence resource workers helped me to see what was going on. What was truly terrifying is that the more truth I learned, the crazier I felt, until, I walked away. I left my car. My wallet. My job. My tools. My daughter. I left with a bottle of water. It wasn’t until someone convinced me that I couldn’t save my daughter from her Narcissistic mother while I was in the situation. I documented everything I could, mailed it to a friend, and left. My Narc was so outraged that physical safety was in serious jeopardy. I am heartbroken, missing my daughter, but fighting tooth and nail for her. And in retrospect, I had not an ounce of fight in me until I left. It almost cost me my life. This was a woman I loved. A woman I respected. A woman I defended to family members. A woman who always had a pack of hens parading around her to bask in her glory. And the day someone told me what I couldn’t see, the day that knot formed in my gut. The day that my entirely reality was completely turned on end, was the first chance I had at saving myself. Whatever your path might be, please know you’re not alone! Please seek resources, inform yourself, arm yourself. Write down events as they happen, so later you can know the truth when it turns into grey. I pray everyone in a situation with one of these dangerous persons finds a way out and gets to know joy and peace again. It’s been the scariest thing I’ve ever done, and probably will ever do, but the strength in a survivor is not taken by a Narcissist, that’s the lie they sold. Get a refund. Know love. Know a quiet mind. I have experienced these more often than not in the last few months. My prayers are with anyone who reads this and gets that knot in their gut. – PS I’m on a plane, waiting for everyone to board, on my way to pick up my beautiful daughter
Hello,
I wish there was a way to expose these manipulated people who have hurt and continue to hurt people. I’m married to one and I feel like I married my worst nightmare. I’m seeking divorce and afraid he won’t sign or ever leave me alone. It’s has gotten so horrible for me that I have a restraining order against this crazy man and he has not stopped trying to contact me. He uses fake numbers to contact me and threatening me all the time. He has made me lose my jobs and constantly out to try to make my life a living hell. Since no contact I have a little peace but still feel his evil presence all around. I don’t understand why he won’t leave me alone. He has beat, cheap, compulsive liar and drug user. Narcissistic people are real. Seriously if you even have a hint of this person in your life running is an understatement. They are charming, persuasive and manipulative. They use use use and use to their benefit. Karma is a bitch! But the damage is done. Day by day. Prayers and believe in the highest power. LET GO and Let GOD. Good luck to all.
All I can say is thank all of you for enlightening me! I think I’m seriously depressed, as its only been a month away, but Im so much better off.
I feel better with each post I read. Thank you.
I’m going through this now and it’s been.six years. I have kids involved and don’t know how to get out. After all these years of dealing with this — I lost it. I went off and pushed him and he called the police an d I got arrested. I’ve never been arrested nor do I have a criminal record. It’s all so surreal. Who am I? Being around a narcissistic person tears you down so much that well– you get in a dark place, my health is terrible, and I’ve become a mute because he uses everything against me. I can’t be sad or I’m a headcase. It’s awful. I feel stuck. I hate that my children see how he treats me. I wish I loved myself enough to never fall for such a cold, unreal, heartless man. I will do my best to teach.my children to love themselves because if we did, we would respect ourselves enough and be independent enough to walk away and not think twice. It’s hard. I pray I find myself and learn to smile again and having two girla motivates me to get out while they are still young enough to.maybe not remember. Now he has had.me arrested And is on cloud 9 because I look like the crazy one. It hurts. He really doesn’t care. Never has. I just always wanted to believe he did.like he once falsely showed me in the beginning.
I have experienced so much of the same things that I see in the comments here. So many mixed emotions as I read good and bad the strongest feeling being relief. By sharing your story u people may have just saved my last little fragile piece of sanity. I come from a large family with many siblings and extended family friends but after nearly four years with my partner I have almost zero contact with anyone other than him as I foolishly moved interstate where I knew nobody but him and some how i lost my confidence to do anything socially especially meet new people then it was like i just forgot how to go about do anything regardless of confidence then eventually I lost all desire to do anything. I feel like a ghost or a hollow shell like I’ve been drained of my life force. I know that it’s my fault for disregarding all the signs that something was seriously wrong but I thought I could save him and even in the pathetic state that I’m in now I still think that i can especially now that I have read so many exact same experiences all the theory’s I thought weren’t just me being crazy over analysing it turns out that they are standard traits. Things that I was afraid to describe because it doesn’t make sense. The needs to be more public awareness of these destructive methods use by narcs to could have saved so much pain and lives I have to go sorry I know this isn’t well said but I hope to come back to read say more
I can identify with every story that I’ve read. I too can not shake my narcissist boyfriend. It has been a little over 2years since we have been knowing each other. He is so good and so bad rolled up in one. He knows how to keep me. But, I can tell that he is moving on. He is now just using my house now as his closet. He text other women and they respond. I have read in his phone and have seen pictures. I am devasted that all the men who had all the time in the world for me before, don’t now. I feel all the opportunities I had for my future is diminshing. I look in the mirror and I look bad, and feel as if I were in a fight and lost. I begged for space and now I’m getting it and all I wanted was a future that made since. Nothing with him is making since. I see him as a sexual, financial, verbal, emotional bully, but I am in love with him. He is not in love with me. He does not even like me. He uses me and I kinda don’t mind but I kinda do. I too can not let go. Everything I have tried he counteracts. He is a manipulative genius. I on the other hand am so angry at him, confused and hurt by him, and feel lost and completely alone. I basically blocked everyone out when I’m with him or thinking about him. Now what do I do to get a life at this point? I always fall in love with extreme crazy guys, but this one manipulates my love and affection, money, thoughts, and time. He honestly is an excellent faker of emotion, affection and love. He’s great for meaningless sex come to find out.I on the other hand, can not respond well to a man that makes me feel insecure about everything come to find out. I feel trapped.Being used isn’t so bad if it feels good and I’m getting a lot of attention and all that, but im not anymore his positive energy is not with me. I get bad attention if that makes any since but this doesn’t feel good that much anymore. I swear I need help to over come my oppressor and to heal. Because right now I am a broken woman.
Thanks everyone this is helping me sooo much , 14 yrs with my narcassist . Doing no contact now and i have a 2 yr old daughter ti him and ime 49 yrs old ive been on a rollercoaster of hell . What is the discarded phase and what do they do?
Hi Savannah.
I am so glad that I came across your website. And I am so grateful to you for writing about your experiences.
I must have read 10 of your posts, one after the other. It’s overwhelming. Almost everything you have described about being in a relationship with a narc, I’ve experienced it too. Also, the path of self growth…I am on it too. It’s so comforting to read your articles.
I had a lot of doubts, gaps in my understanding about narc behaviour. For example, why they like to keep a lot of supply around. I thought that what they seek is validation and someone to love them unconditionally. So why wasn’t one source enough? But I understand now.
Oh and gifting…dats the worst habit to break! It actually proves us to be very good people..we get happiness from that look of joy on the face of the recipient of our gifts. Warms our hearts.
Thank you!! 🙂
My narcissist said “It smells like shit, do you smell that?” any and every time I walked into the room. I never smelled anything.
Wow. HE was the shit. What a total douchebag gaslighter.
Good article! I think you missed one, though; but, maybe that’s because it didn’t happen with your narcissist.
That one is “it’s in the past.” As in they get caught doing something they told you they’d never do to you, that they accused you of doing to them when you hadn’t, and, what they did is “in the past” even though it happened two minutes ago.
Everything you can prove they did wrong is “in the past” and everything they accuse you of doing wrong, even if it had nothing to do with reality, is still valid even if it happened 5 years before, because, it’s about your respect for them and the sort of person you are.
Seriously!
This is so interesting !
Can anyone recommend any good books
on this- educational and self-help?
Skinfreek please see the tab on the left entitled Savannah’s suggested reading
I honestly cannot believe how this article exactly describes my current boyfriend!! every situation you described is what I am going through now except I believe he has drained me of almost all my self-esteem but I can’t seem to leave him even though I know I should, that he is causing more bad than good in my life. But I do love him. One big difference between your situation and mine is that I cheated on my boyfriend during the summer of 2014 with a friend of his, I knew it wasn’t going to end well but I did it because I felt that his friend was meeting my emotional need, he complimented me, he bought me things, he kept telling me that my boyfriend (his friend) would never change and that this was how he always was. Regardless what I did was wrong, even though my boyfriend was breaking up with me every other weekend BUT he found out on my birthday so I always thought he took it easy on me. And he has not let me forget once that I cheated even though I have done more than the average person to show I made a huge mistake and I would never do it again. I thought that this is what caused him to change, me cheating when really nothing changed at all, he was just getting worse but now he had fuel, he had and has the best ammunition to throw in my face whenever I get upset or mad at him. One night he had been drinking a little and I was hanging out with him and his friend, and around midnight he and his friend said they were going to another friends house whom I knew as well but I couldn’t come with them, ok fine, so he says he would get ahold of me in a few hours because he was going to need a ride home. So I wait up for him, its now 3:30am, I sent him a text “what’s up, did you need a ride, its getting late” (I had work at 9am) and finally calls me back and says he is going to call his mom to give him a ride. I said “well if you need a ride I can give you one now, Iv been waiting for you to get a hold of me to let me know.” So he says all nice and friendly that he is just going to stay at his friend’s house for the night, I say ok, we hang up. He calls back like 15 mins later yelling at me to come pick him up right now and that it’s freezing outside and that he started walking home from his friends. Whenever I would respond to ask him where he was, he would say oh you’re giving me attitude and would hang up on me. Then wouldn’t answer the phone for 10 mins, then he would answer and I would say one word and he would say that I interrupted him and he hung up, next time it was that I was yelling, then he hung up again, I MADE sure that the next time he answered that I was literally whispering into the phone and still he said I was yelling and hung up (all the while I am driving around at 4am looking for him because he wouldn’t just tell me where to pick him up). This went on for an hour and a half when I finally parked at a gas station and called him over and over, while I was crying hysterical feeling like I was going CRAZY. I sat there for almost 20 mins when I gave up and just drove back to his house. My gas light came on then as well. Im at his house for 5 mins when he finally calls me in a rage asking where I am and I tell him I just got back to his house. He was like if you’re not here in 5 mins I’m gonna f***ing lose it. I jump up and take off, thinking there is no way Ill get to him in 5 mins. So I finally get to him, he gets in the car and doesn’t say a word, I don’t say anything either. HE ends up falling asleep (or pretending too) I park and go inside trying to wake up but If I did wake him up I was sure he would flip out so I just left him and went inside and slept for 30 mins before I had to be up for work. He came inside while I was laying in bed snuggling up to me because he was cold! That is just one extreme but he also tells everyone that I have a really bad memory and can never remember what was said or who said what, now I have learned to keep tabs on what I say or do but I cant every time and he uses those against me. He likes to call it “whatever crazy ideas I come up with in my head to fill in the blanks”. He has others convinced that I’m nuts and crazy and that he just doesn’t know why I act the way I do. He will literally send me a text to set me off that none of his friends know about and they just see me calling yelling or crying. He does a great job at that.And sometimes I am acting crazing because of how well he manipulates the situation. its like he uses my weaknesses against me, kicks me while Im down then gives me just enough love and attention to keep me coming back and the fact that I beleive that everyone deserves to be loved and (I am a psych major and a social worker ) that I know he is hurting inside because of me cheating and prior to this he was married for 41 days when he found his wife in bed with another woman and they both asked him to leave. I was thinking huh then why did she even say yes to marrying him in the first place? come to find out, it was a marriage of convenience because she was in the military and needed to be married in order to get some kind a benefit. He plays it off to everyone that she was his high school sweetheart and that he planned the entire wedding and when she came home from Iraq they got married. I had notieced that there were no pictures of us on his fb page so here and there I would say something, he then gets mad and he unfriended me saying if I was going to complain then we just wouldn’t be friends on FB and couldn’t see anything on his page. Recently we became friends again but there is not one picture of us and I am restricted from seeing certain posts., if I was a stranger I would think he was single, not even a stranger, if I was someone who hadn’t talked to him or seen him in a few weeks I would think he was single. He does the whole secret text message thing, talks to his ex that is married but tried to hook up with him the last time she was in town despite the fact that she knew we were together,. I hear him tell people lies or exaggerate the truth. He went to college for a year and a half never graduated and tells people he as a degree in Engineering! I thought that maybe he could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder but I wasn’t 100% sure until reading this article! Thank you for providing detailed examples. I was like JAW to the FLOOR as I was reading it!. I am also in tears too because I feel totally lost, heartbroken and I have reached a point where I have nothing left, has taken away my hope but gives just enough back to keep me around. Its like he has control of all the strings attached to my emotions and he will jerk them around and pull them as hard as he needs too to make it so now whatever it is is my fault. I mean having an argument with him is like having an argument about the past 100 arguments because nothing gets resolved and he just brings up the past. Its like the never ending story but I am going to end up pulling my hair out in the end. Like I have literally been pushed to the edge of borderline crazy. Again, I know it’s unhealthy and I clearly have some issues too to put up with this but I just can’t leave him….WHY???
Wow. This exact same thing happened to me. Husband out with friends, calls me up, yells at me to pick him jp but won’t or can’t give me the address because he is so drunk.Then threatens me and tells me he is walking home and I had better not be there when he gets home because there is no telling what he might do. And what do I do? Like a fool I get in my car and go try to find him. And when I do find him at 3 am walking down a busy road with his briefcase, what does he do? He yells at me and is mad at me the next day. To add insult to injury, I learned many months later that he told all of his friends that he had been drinking with that I never did pick him up, and that he had to walk all the way home. I think that hurt me the most. 20 years later I finally have left him. Don’t wait that long. Just get out stay out. Don’t wait until you are “ready”. Ready will come after you go if you go no contact.
My ex-Narc/Sociopath and I were together for a total of 5 months. About 1 month in was the first time I picked up on something “odd”…it was one morning when it felt like a switch was ‘flipped” and he was a DIFFERENT person.He had flown me First Class to Chicago (where he lives) and everything was fine on the first day. He got us a suite at the W overlooking the lake…love-bombing to the extreme!!! OMG …SO CHARMING!! He suddenly and without warning became COLD and DISTANT on Day 2 when we woke up. I felt VERY uneasy and left as quickly as i could. I recall feeling vulnerable and very confused but I stayed with him anyway. As time went on there were many more signs…sudden outbursts of anger, lots of anger if i ever questioned him, and gas-lighting to the extreme. About 4 months in he actually told me, out of the blue, while at dinner…”Did I ever tell you that I was diagnosed as a sociopath with narcissistic personality disorder?” I almost CHOKED on my food!! Soon after I started to go online and read EVERYTHING I could about the disorder.I started to question him and challenge him…and I started to pull away..which he picked up on and started to pull away himself.I have zero doubt he was screwing around the entire time I was with him. I beat him to the punch and dropped him like a BAD HABIT with a SCATHING text message one night after he didn’t call me for 3 days (always an excuse).He too stated to try to control me via nasty test messages…but started giving excuse after excuse why he couldn’t talk on the phone. When I ended it I told him to never contact me again by any means. He is a COO of a subsidiary of XXXXXXX and I found out he was MARRIED (of course!!) and had been for 16 years! He leads such a double life…addicted to porn and sex and acts like Mr. Married at home! He used to text me WHILE IN XXXX…and now I know his wife was RIGHT THERE TOO! That poor woman!! Part of me wants to contact her but I know he would make my life a living HELL! I have to trust that KARMA will indeed catch up to him eventually!! He was a compulsive liar too…after I ended it I did a background check and found out that his mom WAS NOT a “famous doctor in XXXXXXX” but was not a doctor at all and appears to be living in an apartment in XX…she had him at 17-18 from what I can tell. He does NOT have a PhD like he claims, his house is NOT a sprawling mansion, but an average house in the suburbs that he bought in 2006 and has a MORTGAGE on (he said he paid cash)…and he does NOT own a 12,000 sq ft home in St XXXX…those owners actually live in XXXXXXX! He is absolutely insane and I am so glad I got away when I did!
On the future faking trait, my narc ex husband would pull the seat belt away from my body and say how cute I would look when I got pregnant.
I also wanted to add— to those who have left their narcs in the storms they created, BRAVO and best of everything to you all— stay NO CONTACT!! I will remember your bravery and willpower when my plan comes to fruition and my kids and I are free from this disaster. If it were just me, I dont think he would give much chase… but i KNOW he will use our kids as pawns, and also in any other way he can– either against me or just to make them miserable too. They are old enough and wise enough to see what is happening, and who he is, though. They talk to me about how he doesn’t do anything around the house, doesn’t help them with homework, etc… they inherently know it is WRONG. The disappointment on their faces is heartbreaking… knowing their Dad is a total wretch of a human being.
First off, a huge thanks to Savannah for creating this page- my sanity is still intact because of it… second, a huge HUG to all of you, who, like myself, are still stuck in narc relationships and havent yet found the courage, means, and safest way to escape out of it. Truth be told, I am certain my narc would ‘hunt me down and take every last thing that I love’ from me, including our kids. and, yes, that is one of many direct quotes from him. I will tell my story at a later time, for now, I just wanted to join in as I sit back, jaw dropped, in the amazing knowledge I have gained reading thru all of these posts and comments. The similarities and well, complete parallels, to my life for the last *too* many years, is sickening but liberating all the same. After reading pages and pages here yesterday, I went home last night from work and looked at him with a whole new level of disgust and abhorrence. It kills me, though, that so many other people are dealing with and being used/abused by narcs. It reminds me of Gremlins, where they are just popping up everywhere, wreaking havoc, terrorizing… (wow, I think I just created a new metaphor for them….) Really, though, my life has been wrecked and my soul chewed up and spat out time and time again by this person/man-boy. Before I started researching narcissism, I was in constant pain and anguish because my loving him was so painful and stomped on repeatedly. He is the most heartless, careless, loveless person, to EVERYONE, even his own kids–narcs are truly a creation all their own. After reading and reasearching ALOT of sites and info on narcissism, the lightbulbs started going off like dominoes falling down.
My love to all who suffer with these people, day in and day out, and who are trapped with them for now… don’t lose hope— as long as we are alive, there is hope- here is something I read on a different comment listing that has helped me:
“The last thing you lose isn’t hope, it’s your life. Everything else is governed by perspective. And given time and work, perspective changes.
Sure, it’s a terrible, terrible thing to lose hope. But many people have at one point in their lives lost hope about something or someone and, through whatever spirals up and down and however long it took them, they began to find they were still breathing in, still breathing out, aware of both, and at least for now living day to day–sometimes alone, sometimes with the help of friends and family, sometimes with the guidance of professionals, until their perspective changed.
It can change. It does change. It turns out that “hope” is just another point of view.” -by Bill
My head swims with things I want to write, help and hope I want to pass on… I’m still stuck with my narc, but I am planning my out, slowly but surely… putting money aside that a friend is keeping for me… putting clothes away for me and my kids… etc. I can’t flake and just leave, have tried that. Over and over.. the mental strain and breakdown are incomprehensible. I’ve prayed to just let God let me bear all the mental strain and let my kids be indifferent to it. But I guess being indifferent has a toll too. Anyway, I could write and write on here… I feel a new breath in my lungs from reading so much and learning and KNOWING now that it isnt ME–it’s him,thru and thru… just today, I had to text mine pics and road signs of the traffic jam I was caught in coming to work. And he STILL will question me, or have a bad attitude all day because of it, or start a fight because of it. He has actually said that I leave ‘at a bad time of day ON PURPOSE’, so that I can ‘scramble his brain’ with ‘nonsensical times’ that I get to work, so he has no ‘truthful way of knowing how long it takes me to get to work’…. so that, I ‘can go do what I want and fk whoever it is I know you’re f**king.’ yep…. its ALWAYS about sex– if I’m in a good mood, bad mood, early from work, early FOR work, sleeping too much, not sleeping, eating a Twix instead of a Hershey bar, it’s ALL because I’m f**king someone. It’s insanity.
But, alas, my warmth and love to all of you, again… here is a muse, — I think it’s funny how special and unique the narcs think they are– each one– but the signs and patterns of their behavior is so textbook, predictable, and so classifiable. They would cringe, scream and explode into nothingness if they could see it like that.
~*~
Divergent One,
The final muse in your last paragraph should be chiseled into the walls of the Smithsonian. Thank you for your post – it resonates on so many levels.
I’m in the same circus as you, and I know how hard it is to maintain your sanity with these people, even when you are clear on who and what you are dealing with.
I pray that you fight to defend the mental clarity you have achieved. Good luck on your journey.
I am a 30 year old widow….was in a relationship with a person for 2 months……he was very smart, educated, welathy and single……..but have had 2 previous relationships in which both the girls refused him according to him…he was one of my aunties friend….when my aunty spoke to him regarding me he said yes he would talk to me and said i want a perfect girl…..when we started talking he was very nice…….he praised me….said i am perfect for him….gave me so much of time and importance……..though we were in different countries and haven’t seen each other yet he committed to me……….he always said i won’t find a guy like him……he have worked so hard to achieve all this……he have expenseive watches……i do shopping from london…….my family is the best……….we go on tours very often…..very proud of his looks and body……always brag about how good he and his family is………after 3 weeks i started finding changes in him…….he gets irritaed with me and yells at meon minor things like if i ask”are you tired”……started avoiding me……was controlling the relationship in a way that we would talk when he have time….and whatever he wants to talk about………..he would say he is the boss…….doesn’t show interest if I ask him to skpye or for any other thing………when cannot call me makes excuses like i forgot my phone somewhere……..one day i teased him that i saw someone who was really very nice……..he abused me, yelled at me, compared this situation to his previous relationship and hung up…….i apologized but still he called and said i accepeted you even though you have a past…..and yelled at me……..then he was just sending me one or two messages each day….then he stopped texting me and gave me a silent behavior for one month….i begged him even then he didn’t responded………then i texted him and broke up with him…….he said he would call me after two days and give me a reply……I said i don’t want to talk to you anymore….he replied he gave me love and respect and I ruined everything…..then called my aunty and said bad things about me………I still love him and wish he would come back……if he comes back….should I accepthim or not?
Hi Narc Repellent,
Only just saw your answer to my post back in March re. me telling my partner that I had met somebody else. I know what you mean about not telling a Narcissist that, as I suppose they can can violent….but I told him that primarily for myself, not so much to get at him. I knew he wouldn’t care – he didn’t. He had already moved on. He was months and months out of the relationship by the time I kicked him out – he was just staying in it for the obvious benefits. So me telling him that, even though I don’t think he cared, would probably have suprised him at the very least. I wanted him to think that he didn’t know me (he didn’t). I refused to talk to him (something he would never have suspected of a soft touch like me). Only this very day…I met a girl (new housemate) whom I believe to have all the traits of a narcissist and a nasty. So we do learn through these things. Awful, horrendous as they are, they have to be learned, and life teaches us. I would prefer to know now, rather than later. All the best!
Excellent Read!!! It is so so true here with what you are saying… and for me to read others experiences to be very similar to mine. Before I ever even knew or read or even heard the word Narcissist; I use to say all these things to my GF about the way she was treating me, the way I was feeling and the many different patterns of her behavior that were so hurtful, controlling and shameless and that kept surfacing over and over. I suffered through every single one of these stages that relate to the nature of a Narcissist. I use to wonder why this stuff was continuing to go on and how it could be so consistent of a pattern. I ended up going online and asking questions to find answers of for some self help… I was shocked at all the information I found that related to the situation I was in with her. The discovery of so many different men that would surface and how I would be tossed away every few weeks or so, faulted for everything, always defending myself, being left wondering why I was allowing this person to treat me so horrible, wondering if there was ever going to be what I thought we once shared, I was manipulated over and over again. I was the one always going back trying to hold us together, even when things were not my fault, begging and bleeding my soul, wondering how this was happening, why this guy was surfacing, where she had been, how she could do this with all I was doing for her, her children, trying to make a home and family, keeping communication open and working through crazy moments that were so evident of non-sense and seeing the arguments and choice of words and name calling from her come out of no where. I was humiliated that I allowed this in my life and quit sickened to discover these types of people have a name and a disorder… I am on a path to heal my soul and spirit and I have read so many different sites and articles relating to these individuals and how to gain my self and life back. This site has been the first for me to actually share anything on as I feel there is so much information and content you have provided and I consistently read and re-read to help pass time and help during this healing. I pray for all of us and hope the better for these people that they can learn to value and cherish good souls and make a change somehow in their lives for the better.
It is so helpful to read all these wonderful posts! How often do we all feel like we are the only person to have gone through something like this. My narcissist of 1 year recently broke up with me. I know many of you think that one year is not long but we worked together and lived together for every day of that year (with the exception of 5 weeks) – including weekends. I had heard the term narcissist but never really understood what it meant. When my relationship ended, out of the blue, via a whatsapp message – with no explanation, I was devastated. I confided in a close friend and he immediately said that this guy sounded like a narcissist. I started researching it and – yep, he sure is! He started out as Mister charming and wonderful. Said all the right things, all the perfect lines. Incredibly attentive and made me feel like the most important person in the universe. This lasted for the first few months of our relationship. We had our first big fight when we were apart for the first time and I was having a hard time feeling comfortable having the phone sex that he wanted. He got so angry – made me cry and then, ofcourse sent a lovely email telling me how much he loved me, how sorry he was, that he wanted to be with me forever and that I was right to tell him that he needed to communicate better with me and that he would work on that. What rubbish! From that moment on his communication got worse and worse. Everything had to be his way or no way at all. He was emotionally abusive but always knew exactly when to say something nice to keep me hanging on. It got to a point where I was basically ignored altogether. Events would happen in our workplace that I never knew about until after he had attended and told me about them. He kept me around for sex, to do his laundry, cater to his every need. I was constantly walking on eggshells, worried that the smallest thing I would say would set him off. We are still working in the same place and I have to see him every day. Despite the fact that I know that I did nothing wrong in this relationship and was involved with an extreme narcissist, I keep trying to make peace with him and be nice and he walks around like we have never met. He is cruel at every opportunity and likes to continue to play the victim in all of this. He doesn’t hear the whispers around our workplace that all support me. Everyone we work with thinks that he is a player who made a huge mistake. He thinks that they all think he is charming and wonderful. I am leaving my workplace in 2 weeks and couldn’t be more excited to get away from him. I am a pathetic version of myself when I am around him and continue to apologise for things that I didn’t even do. I gain peace from the fact that I know that my best days are ahead of me whilst all of his are far behind him. I am the best person he was ever going to get but there are a million men out there better for me … and all of you 🙂
To all my friends going through this situation:
First of all, I actually punched my Narc three times in the side of the head and man oh man did he he act like a p****y! I wish I could say he should have taken it like a man, but he is no man. He held that incident over my head until the bitter end. Would always throw it in my face that he couldn’t bear to take me to lunch because “you’re dangerous and I’m afraid you’ll get physical.” Now don’t get me wrong, I do NOT condone physical violence like this. I have atoned for what I did and still do. It took me a lot of therapy to realize at the deepened core of my soul why on Gods earth would I ever hit someone like that-because that isn’t who I am. I blacked out after a huge argument with my Narc about his infidelities that took place when I was asleep and defenseless. Having girls drive to our apartment at 4 am because the loser doesn’t have a car at 34 years old and he’d end up trying to sleep with them in their cars while he was wasted. My ex Narc is an alcoholic and boy oh boy, what a combo for destruction.
I am on my own road to recovery over the past 11 months with 5 break ups in the middle because I allowed him in over and over and over again. I was living the definition of insanity and always held onto hope that he would change, one day. For me. Yeah right.
I still question everything I do and to say that I have trust issues now would be an understatement. Every day I get a tiny bit stronger but there are days where I can’t get out of bed because the crippling pain of how much I miss him is just too much. In between the upsets of our breakups and as of more recently, I have received the crazy making texts messages of deflection. He tells me that he “knows” that I stalk him, that he has a crew of people who come to him saying that they “say” I’ve been talking about him and that I can’t shut up about him on Facebook. None of this is true of course but I won’t lie and say that it has caused more pain and the pain is delivered as soon as I start to feel in control of my life again. These text messages shatter my self esteem all over again and make me question if I’ve actually done these things! To this day I still feel the desire to explain myself to him like I always have. He makes me feel insane. Still. Nothing has changed over the past 3 years. I blocked his number tonight and I’m praying to God that I can keep it going. I know nothing he sends me or contacts me for will be of any help to my self esteem and that everything will be a LIE to make me look and feel stupid- as he’s on the other end of the phone smiling at my demise and pain.
I too have been hospitalized over what has happened in this narc toxic relationship. I feel for all of you who have endured this pain that leads to your physical and mental decline and my hearts go out to you. I am on a multitude of meds that I was prescribed when I was with my ex. He would convince me I was losing it, that my memory was failing me and that I have never looked so unhealthy in my life and “you need help now! Call your therapist!”. And I did… And now I’m trying to titrate from these meds as I slowly realize that the “crazy” is slowly disappearing the longer I stay away from him.
I think about him all the time but I will take the advice of one of the previous posters to think about his unattractive qualities or attributes. I do have a lot of those to list.
Anyways, thank you Savannah for this site. You are saving lives and the mental health of people who just wanted to love and be loved in return and who got the sour end of the deal. We are all capable and deserving of a greater love than this. I do hope what they say is true- that no one, not another partner, harem girl\guy or lover will change them. They are damaged goods. I still struggle with believing that maybe I wasnt good enough. I’d be devastated to know that he is doing better with someone else. Does anyone else feel this way?
I wish we could all create a list of these people’s names and their location so that people won’t even bother with them. They deserve to be alone and boy, I sure hope karma comes around and they atone for the pain they cause. I don’t know why these people exist.
I have been married to someone who displayed these characteristics for 22 years. We have been separated since August 2015. In the beginning he cheated on me continuously. We were always poor and broke even though we both worked, although he would constantly lose his job and have to find another one. I had the same job for 15 years. I was told I could not work in an office because the men in an office could not be trusted, so I worked with female handicapped women. He lied. He changed versions of stories. He put me down in front of other people, such as at our friends houses always telling their wives they needed to teach me how to cook, or help me pick out cute clothes. When we got home I would complain that that embarrassed me and he would say I was too sensitive and that’s just how people interact. My kids and I used to joke about how he would always say he could read from age 2, was a sports star at school, and other outrageous stories. In the six months I’ve been separated, I have laughed, I have enjoyed life, I have talked to other adult men without feeling like I was committing some type of adultery. I always felt like I was losing my mind. he accused me of cheating (he was) he accused me of doing drugs and even told his boss I doing them!(he was). Since the separation I love my life. He still tries to come around, but only when he is broke. When he is working I do not see or hear from him until he needs something. He told me he will never divorce me, but at this point I don’t care because he is out of the house! Thank you for this article.
I was just recently divorced from a narcissist. It’s so painful, and I truly thought she could change. I recognized a lot of these behaviors in the relationship and pushed her to seek out help. She never really could, because seh didn’t want to. The only real cure to NPD is willing psychotherapy. She ended up discarding me in a horribly hurtful way and made it all my fault. She told me all I did was take and never give…this was a month after I moved to a different city for HER job.
It’s so important not to internalize the narcissist’s hurt and pain. I am still working through it.
I saw through the majority of my ex narcissists lies. That’s one thing he said to me when he discarded me…i could read him like a book, and not many lies got past him..
Once I heard him tell a male acquaintance that he’d been in prison and that was why he hasn’t been in touch. Wtf??? Why not just say he’d been busy. Did being in prison make him look better!!!!
Another time he lied about qualifications to get a job, and he only got the bloody job too!!! Was sacked within a month though.
The lies just rolled off his tongue. He didn’t even have to give them much thought beforehand!
I just let him get away with it though. Told him he was the world’s best liar. More fool me!
Thank you for this accurate description of narcissism. My husband and I have a serious problem: One of our grown up daughters, 33 Y old, is playing this game with us. It has been going on for years.
She tries to keep us ridning her designed roller coaster, swinging between sweet affections and harsh accusations. Recently she delivered us a letter of 4 pages about how difficult her life is – she is a single mother but with ex partner living nearby, sharing the care of their 2 children age 7 and 4 – and how poor the children are, she can’t afford anything at all for them etc etc…
Truth is that we have supported this girl extremely more than any of our other two children – financially and practically.
But the bortom line is that we are very very bad and can’t do a thing right.
Then all of a sudden she can switch.
Yesterday she made a scene of cancelling our relationship. Today she sent an sms “my choir is singing in the church, would be nice if you come and listen” …
This is driving me mad, I have suffered from severe depression for years.
What to do?
We love our grandkids and they love us. For their sake we need to stay alive.
But how can we respond?
Can a narcissist ever change and how??
This sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder (from a strictly armchair psych perspective). There are lots of online resources for understanding BPD. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a therapy that has proven helpful to BPDs.
SU NPD and BPD overlap so, so much. There are a few differences but their tricks are pretty similar.
Agreed, Savannah. I’ve heard and observed that they share traits and that someone can have both disorders.
Big thanks to Savannah. have read a lot of your post and have reached the stage to move on because everything fit him here but my problem now is that is parent would not let me go, they give me excuses every time he misbehave. he is still a fiance, we are not legally married yet. pls help. l am stuck again
Thanks for this Savannah. I can relate to every tool of the trade. It took me 18 months of trying to escape from my narc. But a number of things lined up and I was able to make the break. Its been 6 weeks of NC. I feel released – like a toxic fog has lifted from my life. I don’t regret knowing him because he has forced me to confront so much of ‘my stuff’ and I know now I am a stronger and healthier person. But it was a horrible time to live through – and I doubted (this time last year) that I would ever manage to break away. But I have (thank you Universe) and I would encourage other people still involved with someone they think is Narc to believe that the change they want WILL come. Keep believing it will happen.
In my dreams lately, my ex-husband/narcissist has become much smaller in stature. I feel that he no longer has power over me. It has taken over two years since the point that my therapist to whom I went–alone, because he would not go for couples therapy–said, “He’s a narcissist!” Yep, she was right, and I searched online to learn more and that is where I found Savannah’s column–and I have read every single article. A narcissist is a monster, and my best analogy yet in my mind, an analogy that kept me going in the first year–was that of Alien, the movie. OMG, I pictured myself in that movie as Sigourney Weaver–I had to be that strong; I had to be the one that survived. I did, and he has reduced in stature, but just as in the movies, I always still know that he is the monster because if I lose sight of that vigilance, there will be a sequel. . . .
I’m so happy that I found this website! Thanks to my various courses in phychology, I was able to recognize my narcissist (but only after I’d fallen for him). The messed up thing about mine was not only was he a narcissist but he was a gemini who was also suffering from post traumatic stress
All so true. Very well written, as always. Thank you!
OMG. It’s true. His parting shot to me was, ” Are you taking your medication?”. He knew my shame of needing an antidepressant and mood stabilizer. Following it up with, “You need to see your Shrink because something’s wrong with you”. I was a Medical professional and only he would say that to hurt me, and it did. He either complimented me to the heavens when it suited him or put me down. I understand now how his inconsistency served his purposes.Almost 9 yrs. Wasted. ” Because of him, I never play to far from the Sidewalk”, like the song.
I have now been narc free for 15 months it has been tough as they make you feel that no one would ever want you, I was called a nutter for so long I belived it. I then found the strength to end it for good using the no contact approach as the relationship was on and off on a regular basis but when you would rather end your own life to escape the torture you go through you need to take action, it’s been a very hard journey but believe me I have come out the other end a much wiser women and don’t ever think you can not do it because you can be amazed at how strong you are and I still read savannah,s blogs every week as this has helped me more than words can say. So believe in yourself and like me you will find the
right man/women that treats you with respect.
Wow, this was scary. I related to all of it. 25 years I’ve been dealing with this and this is the 3rd time he left though this time I did chase him out because he was driving the kids crazy with his mind games. I’ve had his female friends threaten me and his co workers call me names until someone enlightened them to his real face and behavior. People are finally seeing him for who he is. I had to get an order of protection against him because he really amped up his tactics when I threatened to go to the state for child support since he decided his pay was his and we were not entitled to it. I still have bad days and worry I’m so damaged I won’t ever be with anyone else. It’s been 3 months he’s been out of the house and my children are happy and vibrant again. I really missed that. If you relate to any of the article run the hell away and fast they will destroy you. I’m waiting for the N to try to come back since I got fed up with waiting for him to file divorce papers..which as you all know is never going to happen with an N. I filed my own and let him know..sent him into a tail spin he called in sick to work for a week and a half. Shocked that I had the guts to go up against him. Be prepared for the name calling when you stand up to them, I’ve been called, stupid, ignorant, bitch, delusional, and other assorted charming things. The gas lighting gets worse too as you stand up to them. I have to go to court Wed. for the order of protection and can’t wait to see who I get, the wounded N or the vicious one. Should be mentally draining. Their show must go on though.
I am very grateful for Savannah’s posts. You really open up our eyes and make us “look at” what is really going on. Going back in the “rolodex” of my marriage I remember my Narc talking about how he deceived his parents – of course I thought it was just teenage rebellion – not anymore!!! My narc was flurting with an old high school girl at his own father’s funeral. You couldn’t even put a piece of paper between them. I was once told that if I thought he was not going to talk to half the world population because they were women that I was crazy. I was married 3+ decades to this man, and it is very true that the control starts of slowly and for me it intensified over the years. The lying – OMG, it was so bad. I have been on my own for 1 year now. My health has improved, and I am happier and more content. I left 1 line of communication open with my narc and that is email, since we are not divorced yet and certain things come up like ironing out pensions etc. I notice my narc leaves me alone for about 4 to 6 weeks at a time and then he will start emailing me again for about 2 weeks and then he drops off the radar again. I do not respond to those “trying to be friendly” emails. All my email contacts have another address to write to me and when I am divorced I will drop the address he has for me. 1 year and he has not given up. But my therapist said this to me “when he is not being fed his fixes he will try all the people he once knew, looking for his narc fix. It is not because they love you or miss you, he justs needs an ago rub.”
Thank you Savannah
It amazes me these men are that evil and i do not understand how they become this away . I would love to learn what in their brain makes a human so sick in the head. Just to maybe understand .
Jen –
The specific brain region affected in patients with NPD is the amygdala. It is the same region that is the locus for psychopathology. NPD people test similarly to people with physical brain damage (lesions) and borderline personality disorder. See Ritter et al, “Lack of empathy in patients with NPD,” which you can locate through Google.
@Cowboy — Really? I thought it was more of a nurture vs. nature answer (like over-indulgent parenting, or abuse and neglect) but this is fascinating.
The Amygdala is responsible for our emotional reactions and some memory. It sends signals to the hypothalamus which depending on the signal sends out the right hormones for the situation. An impairment in the Amygdala would answer a lot of questions pertaining to a lack of empathy and issues with memory. Have you ever noticed how different or odd a Narc will remember particular events? This would fall under the nature category and there are a lot of recent studies in this area. Although they still cannot say for certain it is really interesting research – could you imagine one day they may find a cure for Narcissism or Psychopathy.
Narc –
I think it’s a fascinating combination of nature and nurture. As I understand it the brain is not fully formed when we are born. Proper parental bonding is required for development to continue. So the abuse the NPD suffers causes physical deficits in their brains. Lack of nutture impacts nature (brain development). We are social creatures – even the individual brain needs relationships to grow properly.
OMG! I enjoyed reading this. I’ve been narc free since Sept 2014 although he continues to send cards once a month, as if we’re still in a relationship. I can relate to all 4: Lies, Projection, Triangulation, Gaslighting. Esp. Projection & Gaslighting. Those 2 made me feel like I had completely lost my mind! He even used to tell me I was psycho and need help. Always accusing me of cheating on him (which I never did). I’m free and have so much clarity now. If I ever run into him again I will just RUN!!!
Savannah, when you wrote ” start paddling for the shore, because the boat you’re on is sinking. Get yourself on firm, stable ground before you start to lose yourself in the madness,” it brought me right back to the week before I told my ex Narc I could not be romantically involved any more. I wrote this in my journal:
All I want now
Is to go home.
I have ridden the waves
Bobbed the incessant tide
Risen and fallen
Risen and fallen
Time beyond counting.
I do not seek the bottom
Where Kelp would wrap me
And volumes of water
Hold me down.
I seek the near
And solid shore
To feel my weight
And hold my feet
To speed me
On my self sustaining way.
And, as I re-read this, it sent a chill: when I said “I do not seek the bottom, where kelp would wrap me,” I realized how desperate I was feeling. The craziness she caused in me led me to dwell on suicide, and these lines were my way of saying to myself “no. don’t let her pull you down. Get to shore, leave this crazy unstable place. Get to solid ground.” Thanks for the reminder. These days, seven months in on no contact, are sometimes not easy. But they are much, much better than the days before I found my way to shore.
@Cowboy — As a surfer and ocean lover, I really enjoyed and appreciate your poem.
Hi Savannah,
This is a good article, and I really hope it can prevent some women being really hurt, like I was, and like so many of the women were that find themselves on this sight. My advice to any woman who finds herself with somebody who behaves like this, is: GET OUT. And get out with your dignity intact. Just cut contact. You don’t need to explain. Do what I did, to get him back for all the lies, humiliation, and objectification: I texted him to come and get his stuff, left it outside the door, and when he protested innocence and wanted to talk (about what?), I told him I was with somebody else. I wasn’t. And I will never talk to him again. But it was one of the best things I did: don’t engage with him AT ALL; cut contact, totally; and tell him you have met somebody else. Let him get a dose of his own medicine. A year later, it is the only small solace I have that I came out on top, and I am not like that – but I had suffered so much humiliation, it was unreal. All the best to any woman who has to go through it.
S
@Samantha — I find it interesting that you mention that telling your Narc that you met someone else when you broke up with him worked. Here’s why I say this:
When I kicked my ex out of my house, he could not understand why the break-up was happening. Of course, since he was a Narc and thus a terrible and shitty human being, he had to come up with a reason why his punching bag (me) was no longer charmed by him. How could I not want him, he who is so perfect and awesome, he thought. So he came up with a reason – I must have met someone else!
My ex then fixated on this idea and tortured me over it. Even though I didn’t, he invented a story that I “must have cheated” on him during the entire relationship and I was now leaving him for this man.
Nevermind that my ex verbally abused me, was extremely controlling and a loser alcoholic who always had an excuse for why he wasn’t working. I gained tons of weight, rarely got a full night of sleep and lost a LOT of money during the relationship. In his mind, I put up with ALL of his bullshit yet managed to find the time to have an affair!
No matter how much I told him that I didn’t meet someone else, he fixated on this. When he came to collect his belongings (which was a process, it took multiple times), he would leave me notes saying how “sad” I made him because I “met someone else.” He told all of his friends and family that I cheated on him, so now he was the victim. Even after the break-up, during that time where he was still in the process of moving all of his belongings out of my apartment, he would send me angry texts and leave me angry voicemails when I didn’t pick up my phone. Messages that would say: “You’re out with him!” “You’re out being single!”
I’m glad that it worked for you, but this is why I question telling a Narc that you met someone else. I feel that for many of them, if their toy/victim/punching bag (us) meets someone else and tells that that, this news will send them over the edge, and they could even become violent. We are possessions, not people to them. They’ll react badly if their favorite toy is taken away from them.
It’s taken me about 6 attempts to break up with my narsistic boyfriend. Every word you wrote here is true. He was all about keeping me off balance, making empty promises & absolutely had other women on the line while promising to marry me. I almost got arrested trying to talk to his longtime partner in crime & ex girlfriend. Lesson learned . I got the cure. If it doesn’t feel right… It’s NOT!!
Hi Savannah. Sooooo look forward to your posts. When I start to read them I have a wry smile on my face because they soooo relate to what I have been through. Yes, craziness is the “word”, “fog” is the word “what the hell” is going on” was my mindset. I too lost clumps of my hair, lost appetite, perhaps through anxiety from being with my ex-narc. Oh yeah, got the “pedestal” treatment “oh, babe you look gorgeous”, “oh babe you are the hottest looking chic in this place (club)”, etc. Would be sooo helpful when he came over, “future faked” (said he would travel to the USA with me on a holiday) Had been together for 1 and 1/2 years and when I said I would like him to meet my family and me meet his he blew cold and disappeared for days. That hurt me. So I packed a suitcase full of the presents he had given me and took them back to his place with not a word or warning from me. It was over. I had had enough. The hardest part for me was dealing with the “tools of the trade” that he used as you say to manipulate me – it was ALL A LIE. I always thought it was a “dream come true” that someone like him would ask me out, be charming, buy me presents, compliment me at every opportunity, cook for me. All my girlfriends used to say how lucky I was. But I had a gut feeling that the relationship was not heading anywhere. Had been feeling down for the last 6 months, but am now starting to find the “real” me. Have bought a motorbike, got my licence and am now “riding” socially with a group. They don’t judge me, don’t “future fake”, they don’t “build me up” just to “let me “down”, there is no game playing. I am who I am. When the time comes and I meet my next potential partner I will be aware of the “tools of the trade” thanks to you Savannah for helping make sense of the “craziness”!
I am dating a narcissist and I think I have read all your articles. They sounds exactly like the guy I’ve been dating for two years. He breaks up with me on a regular basis, only to return and say that it’s my insecurity that drove him away (meanwhile I get more insecure with each breakup.) I know you’ve written about breaking up with a narcissist some already, but could you do some more, please? I have a terrible time splitting from him. As awful as he is, when he is charming and loving, I can’t say no! I feel so weak! Do you have tips for me?
Thank you!
Kelly
I recommend reading all the posts- starting w/most recent.
Here are some things that helped me break my emotional attachment (EA) to narcs:
-realize your EA is strong and normal and don’t criticize yourself for it.
-realize your EA is based on an illusion your mind has created: you are putting your narc on a pedestal when in reality he is human, weak and imperfect like everyone else. When you start attributing glorious qualities to him in your mind, which you will do more when you are separated, remind yourself this is just an illusion in your mind.
-this exercise is great: when thoughts and feelings of desire flood your mind and heart about your narc, recognize them, come to attention and replace them with thoughts about him that are unattractive. Don’t think about the times he hurt you- this could have the unwanted effect of making him seem powerful and desirable. Think about disgusting, annoying things like bad table manners, how he picked his nose when driving, bad hygiene/smells, anything visceral and gross. Everyone has something bc we are human. Have a few of these memories you can quickly recall when positive thoughts about him come up. Important: your mind and body will not want to think about the gross stuff, it is emotionally attached so it will want to remember the desirable stuff. Recognize this and discipline yourself to think about the disgusting stuff- if you truly want to get over him you will have more strength to do this. After awhile, it will become habitual to associate him with the yuck. I did this w/my cerebral narc: pictured his yellow teeth, pasty winter skin and watery crusty eyes when it got cold, huge ugly iridescent (why?) puffy winter jacket and this pretty much squashed any desire I had.
@Kelly — I am sorry, and I am not saying this to hurt your feelings, but the man you are dating is most likely breaking up with you and running away all the time so that he can visit other women during the “break ups.” Then he comes running back to you because they have rejected him or he gets bored with them, and he KNOWS you will take him back!!!
I have been through this and so have many other people on this community. I am hoping, so much, that you realize that you are worth SO MUCH MORE than his crumbs of attention, and you deserve someone who will NOT treat you like a member of a harem.
Your boyfriend is a manipulative asshole. Him saying he is leaving you because you are insecure is him GASLIGHTING you. He is calling you insecure most likely because he is cheating.
You will hit your breaking point and one day you will wake up knowing that you deserve better and that you are done crying over him. I hope that day comes sooner than later.
Great article Savannah. On January 1st 2014 I reached out to you. I was certain I had or was losing my mind. Every single thing you write here happened to me. Who knew that New Year’s day was the beginning of my healing. I would try for the next several months to at the very least maintain some type of friendship as we were/are neighbors. I just didn’t wanna not be speaking to my neighbor. I didn’t wanna be feuding neighbors. Then a $2.50 flower turned me around. I am 7 months no contact. I don’t even look at him. I don’t think it is even “no contact” anymore. I just think he sickens me and I choose to having nothing further to do with anyone. As a blue’s singer sang “I’d rather be myself, eat by myself” … you get the gist. Again, thank you for your words of encouragement. Your writings are spot on. No Contact does work because it begins to healing and clearing the fog. You’re the best!
Thank you, I nearly thought I was going insane. I have been in a relationship with a malignant narc for nearly 6 years. The 1st 2 weeks were bliss and then all hell broke loose. Over the past 5 years it has become unbearable. What gets to me though is the assasination of my caracter. How every insult is a sexual one. I am accused of infidelity in the most crude language. In his mind Im the biggest whore who roams this earth. In fact I am faitfull, trying to ease his insecurity. To no avail. So thank you for your blog, it shows me that I am not the crazy one. One question, how the hell does one put an end to this? How does one get out? I have tried but it is difficult. He becomes such a charmer and caring and boom! Back to square one and filled with renewed hope. Nice to be able to share what one is going through. Stay strong 🙂
Samisamsam yeah I am, OMG I just posted my comment about being surprised about some woman never punching mine in the face yet, then I saw your comment… too funny.
Ugh, Triangulation 103… My ex-N humiliated me at a party with a woman we knew from high school, who he used to like. She resurfaced on FB after many years and showed up at a party last Christmas. He lives across the country and was home visiting. She was all over him, saying she always liked him and should have gone out with him when he asked, but had dated his brother instead. He didn’t acknowledge he was there with me, as he obviously loved the attention. Finally, someone asked where he was staying during his visit and he said “between her place (mine) and my brother’s (a lie, he was with me the whole three weeks he was home). The other woman fled the party after that and I thought she was gone. She is married, had left her husband at home and drunkenly confided to me that she had cheated on him before with other men she reconnected with on FB. When he went back home a few days later, she started frantically “friending” all his family and friends and they began a flirtation online. He complained to me that she was “looney-tunes” and when I asked him if he had told her about us, he said “I don’t think so.” I felt like I had been punched. This nonsense went on for a couple of months (and he resorted to not calling me anymore, but only tried controlling me via text and IM). The last straw was when he told me that she was probably coming to visit him for a week without her husband. I asked “why would you DO this to me?” and he nastily screamed that I was jealous and he didn’t want anyone jealous. I unfriended him and he hoovered for a few months via FB and texts before finally blocking me and my sisters and there has been no contact for seven months. I had a chance meeting with a psychologist who advised me that he sounded like he has BPD as well and to stay far away… I later saw on FB from a woman he used to work with that he threw her under a bus and she hates him now. She said he was someone she had trusted. I wish I knew her to tell her she wasn’t the only one. His ex-wife and teenage daughter hate him and he’s not allowed to see his younger sons unsupervised. She had the last laugh after leaving him. There are plenty of harem members though, so he’s not lacking for female company. I’m surprised that a woman has never punched him out yet, but his day is coming… Total misogynist!
The in your face arrogance of these men make me wonder how they would get punched in the face if they tried their tricks and obnoxious tones of voice with a dude. Of course they don’t which is why they have all their teeth. Bullying women and girls.
I’m sitting here this morning reading your articale.Half scared to death & relieved at the same.Where do i go from here ?
vconnie50 — Where you go from here is AWAY. Please do not spend 30 years of your life with this insanity, as I did, believing that if you just do the right things, this man will somehow become a rational human being. Don’t worry if your family and friends think he’s the best thing since sliced bread. Read Savannah’s articles and find a counselor who knows something about narcissism to support you through it.
My two most trusted friends were so happy that I had found someone who adored me. Then they watched over the years as things got weirder and weirder (and they had no idea how bad it was). He turned up the fuel to the gaslight when our youngest moved out last summer, and my friends said, “Get out of this. We’ll help you in any way we can.” He knew what was coming and left before I could throw him out — but now I’m facing losing half of everything that *I* worked for. I’ll deal with it, but I shouldn’t have to.
Get out. You deserve better.
EDUCATION!! I can relate word for word with pin point accuracy with every single course listed. It’s amazing how accurate this is. I am SO grateful am I FREE from the craziness. I’ve stopped grinding my teeth at night, my hair has stopped falling out in clumps, the stress and anxiety are gone and slowly I am regaining my self esteem. I am recognizing myself more and more each day. Thanks!!
Tam , was the hair fallout from severe deprivation of calories or from stress or both? Savanna this phenomenon of evil is growing and growing and formidable. I am seeing it is quite a spiritual battle. I have seen too many aspects of this that defy normalcy.
Fight it -flee and replace this with good. Touch NOT the unclean thing-Vampires/Narcs.
Thank you Savannah. Your articles are fantastic. They helped me very much an year ago when I was ”discarded”.
Greetings from Bulgaria.