How well do you know your partner? Your best friend? Neighbor? Brother or sister-in-law? How well do we really know anyone? How many times have you heard yourself say, “Oh no, he/she would never do anything like that?“ And what degree of certainty would you place on your assumption? We all think we are pretty good judges of character. We would all know if someone in our circle was kinda ‘off,’ right?
I love those real crime shows like 48 Hours, Dateline, Forensic Files and 20/20. I love the way they lay out the evidence, so one minute you think the perpetrator is this person, but the next minute, it could be someone else. For all of us amateur detectives we’re able to use logic and reason and our gut instincts to come to our own conclusions. Most of us watch these kind of shows because we want, better yet, we need to understand what drives a person to commit such heinous acts.
The most common theme for murder on these shows is a spouse murdering their partner for money, a new lover, or both. It’s unfathomable to us how someone could justify killing the one person, they should love the most, for selfish gain. It’s like they perceive this person as their personal object, a toy that they no longer want to play with, that they are free to discard at any time, and in any manner they see fit. Another common theme is, the jilted lover, who comes back to exact his/her revenge by murdering the object of their fury. In this scenario it’s your life for my wounded pride.
Narcissists are possessive, suspicious, jealous and all about control. They don’t do rejection well at all. They have no problem rejecting you though, but their fragile sense of self isn’t capable of allowing such a transgression to go unpunished. The recent poster child for a Narcissistic revenge killing is Jodi Arias. She was the jilted lover, who stabbed her boyfriend 27 times, slit his throat and shot him in the head, then thought she could out-smart everyone and get away with it.
Usually the Narcissistic characteristics of the guilty are apparent, but sadly, the disorder is rarely ever mentioned on these shows. One of the most common questions I get in my emails is, “Why didn’t I know this existed? Or, why don’t they teach us about NPD in school?” And they’re excellent questions. It should be the most natural thing in the world, for a parent or a teacher to warn the young about the predators of the world. Other animals teach their young about what predators to look out for – why not us? People just don’t seem to want to talk about or acknowledge mental health issues, until it lands on their doorstep and demands explanation.
I recently received an email from a grieving woman looking for answers, as to why her sister was murder by her ex-boyfriend. Her therapist mentioned the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she did some online searching. She wanted to know, why this happened, how it happened, why no one even saw it coming and what she could have done to prevent it.
I should preface everything by saying that, not all Narcissists are violent, just like not all Psychopaths are serial killers. The simplest ways to determine if someone is a violent abuser is a) Witness his/her current behavior (are they violent with you?) b) Have they been violent in the past with previous romantic partners? and c) Do they have a criminal record associated with any type of violent acts? This is a good start, but it doesn’t always complete the picture.
A Narcissists ego is extremely fragile. We’ve all heard the term Narcissistic Injury. This is any slight real or imagined that threatens the Narcissist’s sense of superiority and grandiosity. When you break up with a Narcissist, to them this a full fledge assault to their very core. It has the power to insight an uncontrollable rage. You’ve probably heard witnesses to violent offenders say it was like a switch went off and they were out of control. Deep inside all violent Narcissist this rage lies dormant just waiting for the right trigger.
The Narcissist is able to keep some form of control over themselves by controlling others. This is why they play these emotional head games, to beat down their partners self-worth and ability to fight back. It ensures them of your compliance and gives them control. When the Narcissist holds the reigns to your power, he or she is in full control of you and this is exactly how they like it.
In the Jodi Arias case, her lover Travis Alexander had broken up with her many times. The control game she played with him, and all female somatic Narcissists for that matter, was sexual seduction. Many people were surprised that his killing was preceded by intercourse, but this is how the female Narcissist regains her control – through seduction. Very likely, to his detriment, he probably made it clear after they repeated this exact same behavior a hundred times before, that this time, their physical act wasn’t going to change anything between them, this time they were done.
If I can’t have you, no one else will
A partnership with a Narcissist is about control, dominance/obedience, and ownership. A love partner is their fuel, a limited resource with which they must horde and shield from others looking to tap into their supply. This is why a Narcissist makes it very difficult for their partners to maintain outside relationships and why they can even be jealous of their own children. Losing control threatens them so severely, that they may resort to absurd tactics to regain their hold.
There is a story in my family about my great aunt, who married a Narcissist and they had a child together. After repeated abuse, she decided to leave him and on the eve of her and her son’s departure, he snuck into the baby’s room and kidnapped him. This was some time in the 1950’s and kidnapping laws were not what they are today. He shipped the child off to a relative’s, on the other side of the country and would not give him back to his mother, until she agreed to go back with him and was pregnant with their second child. He didn’t care about the welfare of their baby. He was another pawn for him to use to regain control over his other possession.
If you leave a Narcissist when they are in the discard phase of your relationship, your departure won’t affect them the same way. They may at some point dangle some carrots in front of you just to check and see that they still wield control over you, but they won’t lash out with a vengeance, because they are the ones that did the leaving and thus, their ego wasn’t threatened.
It terrifies me greatly when women and men are planning to leave their abusive spouses, because you don’t really know what you’re dealing with, or what they are capable of. Did Jodi Arias’s boyfriend think he was going to die that day? I can guarantee you, he did not see that coming. He had no idea just what kind of monster was inside of her and the lengths that she would go to, to maintain her control and neither do you.
“If I can’t have you no one can,” is the phrase people use to try to explain it. What it really means to a Narcissist is, “You are mine. Everything about you is mine, even your life. That’s how powerful I am.“ They follow up this belief with the mentality that they are special and smarter than everyone else, so much so that they will get away with it. Grieving loved ones, that are left behind, are not even a consideration to a Narcissist. To them, you are an afterthought and don’t have the same kind of rights and privileges that they do.
I often wonder how much different my life would have been, if I had been taught about self-esteem and emotional predators in school. “When you know better you do better,” Oprah always says. When you don’t recognize something, when it’s not even on your radar, how can you protect yourself. Travis Alexander, the beloved sister of my reader and all of the victims of Narcissistic violence, would have likely had different outcomes if this information was more readily taught in homes and schools.
Leaving a Narcissist is dangerous. It’s not like any other break-up you’ll ever encounter . Your safety has always got to be your top priority, especially if they have been violent in the past. There are shelters that can help with this type of transition, they were created for just this purpose. Call professionals who deal with this type of situation, talk to your friends and your family about your concerns. Educate yourself so that you’re aware of all of your options, before you make the break.
But honestly – the best way to leave a Narcissist is to convince them that the break up is their idea. This keeps their fragile ego intact and protects you in the process. Failing that, don’t discuss leaving with them, make a plan and just go. Leave no trace behind. Go no contact – get a new number, new email address, buy pepper spray, a tazer- anything to protect yourself and be prepared to make a lot of changes in your life. Like I said, not every Narcissist is violent, but how can you know for sure. It’s better to be prepared than a statistic.
Your Comments!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thank you for this. Even my friends think I’m overreacting about breaking up with my narcissistic boyfriend. He was violent. Very very violent. I know he is capable of killing me. They think he’s too scared to go back to jail to come near me again. I think that yes he is afraid of jail so he will just hide my body where no one will find me.
My life for the past five years. My brother is a narcassist who has verbally and emotionally abused me. He also kicked me. I have gone no contact but my brother is obsessed with me
Will he ever stop.?
My narc sister was trying to steal the inheritance. I am winning in court but I am also afraid of her rage. I believe she had this plan since childhood. At this time, I have an order of protection against her. I am still afraid of her and he son who is like her. How can I protect myself. What is the probability of her or her son attacking me or my family. Are there any studies in this matter?
Hello to all of you who posted and who are thinking of posting. I almost didn’t and then I thought maybe my venting and sharing will help someone or many out there. Also I know this is a very important topic that any light shed upon it can be crucial in one’s recovery from Narc abuse.
How we meet should have been the biggest RED FLAG:
Let me start my Narc has been in my life for 3 years.
He as many Narc’s was very very charming, shy even, and super nice to me. We met randomly, I had just moved to LA from Vegas. I applied for work as a cocktail for a nightclub. Weeks later I got a call to work an event. I was to show up wearing fishnets, booty shorts, black tank top and black boots. Typical for me working Vegas I have worn this as my work outfit for 6 years.
Needless to say this outfit attracted the Narc. Yay me right ugh…anyway the band was setting up and sound checking. He was a Guitar Player very mysterious and very good looking.
Before the show started he came directly up to me after starring at me off and on during sound check. Asking if we had Hennessy because he is allergic to everything else. Of course that started small talk. As the night went on he came down to my cock-tailing area every break he had. Making sure I was ok, making me laugh, so on and so on. At the end of the night he asked me for my number and my email which I thought was weird but I liked him so I gave it to him. He wanted to hang out after but he said he would call me when he was finished loading up the car. I never got a call that night. I went home wondering how the hell I hit it off with someone so good and he just never called. A few days later I got an email saying I must have gave him the wrong number. He tried to call that night but got someone else on the phone. Now looking back this was his methodical thinking he literally planned that whole thing out. I found out 3 years later what really happened that night, when he left his emails open and went to work. He forgot to mention he had a girlfriend that was waiting for him to come home that night. So this created a want/need on my behalf. I was hooked. He literally methodically thought this whole thing out in a matter of meeting me for the first time in a couple of hours, how the night was going to end. How he was going to hook me if you will. Looking back that was the biggest red flag ever. I should have left it alone when I felt that weird feeling.
Physical and Emotional Abuse:
This was followed by many more lies, abuse both physical and emotional, choking me twice. Once while we had sexual intercourse followed by hitting me from behind on my butt causing me to have inflammation in my lower back and welts the size of quarters. The second choking happened when he thought I was cheating on him with our male roommate. This time it involved at belt around my Neck.
He pulled a knife swiss army knife on me while he was about to drive away in the middle of arguing with me for no reason. Not to mention he was involved with porn. He had a fart fetish and reached out to a site looking for a model scout and porn actor. Of which he became both a scout and a porn star for this company. I found the card in his wallet and found the porn he was in. With several woman in disgusting clips of them farting in his face.
He is a very accomplished guitar player for several Singers who are famous. So you can only imagine the groupies in every state and across country. Not to mention how he didn’t even care to risk his image if this porn was released. Now also he’s been in a custody battle with his ex over there 7 year old daughter. What if she found out. He has no care in the world. Not to mention he wished cancer upon me and hoped I would die when I threatened to leave him.
After I had finally moved out when he went on tour, without him knowing. I discovered I was pregnant. I had to tell him about since I thought this was the right thing to do after getting several advice from what I thought were friends. Stupid me it was his and my friends. So we agreed to meet and talk when he got back into town. So he was very kind and sincere when we met or so I thought. He was thrilled at the thought of the baby. He made it sound like he would do anything for me. When we got done with the conversation he wanted my new address so he could start sending me things to help with the baby since he was leaving for tour again. A couple of days later he called me at 2am. Crying and loosing his mind. He threatened to kill himself if I did not abort the baby. I couldn’t believe it. He said I was selfish to have the baby. I am 34 years old and was told I might never get pregnant due to my endometriosis condition I have. To me this was a blessing to him this was just another thing he had to pay for. I hung up on him and he called me 200 times after. He showed up to my house several days later by breaking into the apartment building. Demanding me to get rid of the baby. I had to call the cops and get a restraining order, I lost the baby a week later. I believe due to all the stress he was putting me through. He showed no remorse! He friends mentioned how happy he was to dodge the bullet. Devastating!!
Believe me I suffer from PTSD now and have considered moving but it’s not financially possibly at this time. When he is not on tour he shows up at my house and calls several times. The restraining order was only 30 days because they couldn’t find him to serve him.
He leaves for tour again in 10 days. Every day I live in fear he will come around. I get calls and texts from him daily when he is back in town. I keep him unblocked just to prove my case if needed. I have tried to rid him from my life but he keeps coming back. I am not sure why he has several woman to choose from. I’m in a way scared for my life! I am not sure what he will do, but at least this time he is leaving for 8 months. It will be a nice relief to know he will not be near me for several months. I hope this will be the final straw and he will leave me alone.
My Wish
I wish for every woman and man dealing with these type of people to leave them and run before you get in it too deep. Notice the signs and be strong enough to leave this person. They will take years away from you and nothing good will come from it but only grief and heart ache. I have lost a baby, jobs, time, my own sense of worth over this person. I fear for my life and sometimes it’s hard to get through my day without crying. I feel like I am on a better path and each day I grow stronger. GET AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE PLEASE! I know it’s hard but it will only get worse. Work on yourself everyday and it will get better. I have learned this the hard way. I am just happy to be alive. Don’t be like me and wait it out hoping they change. The lies will be so convincing but they are highly trained in manipulation. Don’t bite the hook!
What if you have a child together and they have visitation and you can’t do no contact??
I cannot thank you enough for your words and immensely knowledge on this subject. I saw all of the warning signs bf they canebrakes to fruition in my own life. The first time I hung out with my N ex, he was drinking jack daniels straight and smoking a joint. He seduced me immediately and told me he loved me nearly right away. He said I was his girl and that he only wanted me and was I down with only being his. I melted. On our second date, he told me all about his record and al of the jail time he has in his past… complete with violence. And I’m not talking petty little acts of violence. I’m talking major, unbelievable acts of aggregious violence. But it was always bc of someone or was someone else’s fault. Always. The first time he put his hands on me I was shocked. There wasn’t even an apology to follow nor was there any remorse. With that, I became an easy victim. I made excuses for him and pleaded with everyone around me (even myself) to see him as he was- a very hurt man inside. I thought if I just loved him enough it would get better.
If only I knew then what I am learning now. If only I had read your articles sooner. But would it have changed my mind? Idk.
Just trying to pick the shattered pieces back up one by one trying to put myself back together without cutting myself on the sharp, jagged pieces of wreckage.
Thank you again. I have spent the last two hours in sheer silence reading every word of yours and the comments that follow.
I… will… rise ❤️
The control is insidious. First nothing is good enough. If you find a deal, they found a superior one. I you pay a fair price for something you are a loser for not beating it down more. The floors were never clean enough, I didn’t wash the knives and forks before I washed the plates, today the lines go horizontal but tomorrow I am chastised for not running them vertical “like we always do”, during lovemaking I hit a hidden “off” switch and she turns over and ignores me then claims I am the one ignoring her lost count of that number, she gets six weeks off with no demand from me to stay in constant contact- I get one day off in that period and “I am probably looking at porn” the whole time. She is gone for three weeks from our business and I slowly fall behind running it on my own and when she comers back I am the one who is useless. Finally our last date night together she destroyed it claiming that our relationship and business together was a long involved plot between me and my ex-wife just to mess with her mind. She then demanded all my passwords and hit me when I refused. I turned on my cell phone recorder to capture her madness because nobody would believe me, and she assaulted me further knocking my glasses to the lower floor and one lense into the kitchen., then tore my shirt off and bit me on the leg so hard she removed skin right through my heavy denim material. My training is in high school wresting which is simply to wrap someone up without hurting them. I had to restrain her for four hours because every time I released her the hitting, biting and scratching would resume. All the while shouting death threats and the details of how her daughter and her boyfriend and his hoodies would do it. Oh and she hates me and everyone who looks like me. When I returned from the ER and police interview I told her that she needed to call the sergeant to give her side of the story. by now it is nine in the morning and I have not slept. Her death threats continued. I did not know a rage attack could be so sustained. I turned on my recorder again and she snatched it and stomped on it to crush the evidence. Narcs do not want to be recorded.
The police hauled her away and it has been three weeks of shaking in my boots no contact. At least she knows I will not hesitate to call the police if she violates the restraining order.
The scary thing is I considered giving her my passwords. that’s how controlled I became through constant belittling. Raised and trained by a narc mother.
I was never afraid of the dark or locked my doors. Now everything gets locked and the exterior lights go on at dusk even though she is 40 minutes away.
the judge was impressed by her lack of remorse or acknowledgment that she acted inappropriately.
I agree with the article and how they are offended by a discard. However I question the comments on the Jodi arias case. From what I understand Travis discarded Josiah’s several times only to come back and use her as his property for sex. This is a trait of narcissists. On the night in question we were told that Travis went into a rage due to Jodi breaking his beloved possession, his camera. When someone is repeatedly objectified, put down and treated as worthless, this will take an emotional toll. I would love to understand your reasoning
Jennifer I don’t claim to know what Travis was all about, but I do know she was attractive, throwing herself at him and was very manipulative. Most young men, healthy or not, would find it hard to resist that kind of sexual temptation. I really hope you’re not a Jodi Arias sympathizer because if you watched the trial, like I did, her narcissism was smacking you in the face.
18 years ago, I left. I never really believed the behavior was intentional. 18 years later, reading these posts, I see that was a delusion. Thanks for helping me let go of the guilt I felt for leaving someone who was obviously in trouble. At the time, I felt liked it was a betrayal to leave, after all, what kind of person leaves someone who is clearly in trouble? Why did I hold onto that? Idiot compassion? I have not been in a relationship since. Six years of hell–and reading this, I realize that is not hyperbole.
This article is spot on, every single word of it. It was always the N breaking up with me. In November he spent the night at my house (he and his son). We had a great week, no fight, spent Thanksgiving with his extended family (a milestone I thought). The next day I had work and I was trying to download a video for my students to watch. He got impatient, wanted us to watch a movie. I told him to give me 10 more minutes, my internet was acting up.
He said fine, they’ll just watch the movie in the living room and sleep there. I got mad (this was always a battle, him falling asleep in the living room at his house and I’m waiting in his bedroom for him. It always pissed me off and we always fought about it)
So this time I got mad, he can’t even wait 10 minutes?? How selfish. So I told him if he’s gonna sleep in the livingroom, then just go home.
He snapped. He got up, yanked me up from sitting by my hair and went off saying that no girl tells him to go home. I tried to explain, by that time he was dragging his stuff out to his car. He dragged a blanket that was his but was left in my house for months. I yanked it back saying if he didn’t want it before, he won’t have now. We went back and forth, him pissed off, me kinda mad but not taking it seriously. It was a huge scene in front of his 11 year old son, mostly him being an asshole.
then he left. He texted me a few times deeply and sincerely apologizing but I was mad. Then the next week we kinda had contact, but it was me initiating it, him blowing me off. I was confused and then 4 days later he said we weren’t together, we broke up the day he left my house. I had a hard time making sense of it.
We stayed apart for 6 weeks, he broke up with me because I dared to say go home.
Only 3 weeks later I realized that all those apologizing texts were to redeem himself in front of his son. He thinks he’s the greatest dad in the world but his son saw how violent he acted. So he texted with speech-to-text all those nice words, not caring how stupid he looked in front of me, only cared that his son saw how nice he really is. He had no intentions of making up.
Then 6 weeks later I took him back, yes, stupid.
We finally broke up in March, it is now almost 5 months ago. We had no contact until a month ago; he tried to come back and I rejected him. We messaged back and forth for almost a week, him apologizing, begging, bringing up things from the past then acting violent, accusing and downright stupid. He was very angry, we ended with him saying the meanest things (wished me to get raped, my parents and daughter to die), but he was so mad because I kept rejecting him and I wasn’t even affected. He couldn’t make me mad, I stayed calm the whole time.
He must be pretty messed up because Ns don’t take rejection well, like you said and I know he’s the same. I still see his profile on the dating website I’m on, and based on what I see he’s pretty messed up, as well as everything he told me since we broke up, he’s been going in a downward spiral.
Good, he needs to pay for what he did, but I seriously don’t care.
Because he was rejected, I think he will still contact me. I know he wants to prove to himself that he can get me back (he told me this last time that he could get me back with a snap of his finger, but I proved him wrong), so I know to make peace with himself, he will try again.
Whenever that happens, it will still be rejection. Hopefully I’ll be strong enough not to even respond, but knowing myself I will, just to reject him, but I’ll be strong enough not to fall for any of his crap, just like this last time, but even better.
Like so many woman, I too was blind to the charming, professional man who spoke the most delightful compliments down to the details of my nails, jewelry, perfume, even my shoes. He was 67 and I was 61. I hadn’t dated in a few years so I was out of the dating experience. Little did I know, but I did know something was just wrong. I started a journal listing all details, times, attitudes, texts and outcomes and I had my answers. All, do not wait, wait for an explanation, an apology or any communication addressing the issues. Really, you don’t need them. You need peace of mind. Life is lessons to be learned so don’t be hard on yourself or try to get revenge. Learn for you. My last reply to this man is that he made me realize just how loved I am because I love myself enough to walk away. He did not reply.
Boy oh boy I tell you the truth this article and the posts have been so enlightening and empowering. I had always had an inkling that my ex had narc tendencies after slowly discovering certain things about him. The things that you have touched on is almost like a checklist to the abuse I endured with this man over the course of the past 3 years. I am thankful that I was raised to know my worth enough to leave him no matter what it cost me. I have given so much of myself to this person who I realize never really and truly appreciated it to whereas I could never do enough. He was used to getting his way with others in his life and never happy with me for not allowing this. He has tried to make me feel like my attention must always be on him no matter what I was going through, all attention must be on his neediness. I think in his heart he wanted to love me the right way and would make efforts to be there for me, but I began to feel it would be a bit manipulative just to pull me back into having things be all about him once again still not being able to control his narc behavior. Therefore turning my pain into a problem for him. He needed constant reminders that I loved him. I consider this also to be signs of strong insecurities. Anxious made the comment about the constant need for sex no matter how you feel and it sounded all to familiar. It took the romance away from it for me and it became something I began to feel he treated like I owed him. Being the type of person I am this type of behavior would never fly which is why we began not getting along. Things began taking a turn for the worse when I noticed anger and violent behavior in him. I began to find out about the real truth to his previous relationships and the violence that occurred between them. Although he expressed that she liked to attack him and push the arguing and fighting, I can’t help but think how that kind of toxic relationship may have affected him in his life and how he would deal with me. Although he had never hit me before, I began to pay attention to red flags with the aggressiveness he began to display. To make a long story shorter, I sit here today after leaving him for 2 weeks now because that anger finally went above and beyond when he choked me. I did stand up for myself and fight back but better than that I left him to start over. I had to leave my job, home, dog, and all my stuff to start over a new life out of state with my family. I feel free and my life is my own. Yes, my heart is hurt but I’m not broken. I’m nervous about starting over but one thing I know for certain is that God has me and will never let me down. He hasn’t in my whole 45 years of life….Thank you God for the courage to fly…
This morning, this fake ass pathetic excuse for a man that I have been with for 2 years now… Unwillingly…. And been trying to leave for over a year and a half… Punched my knee cap so hard, he broke his knuckle. And what gets me is my please for help to others have been laughed off and even taken to the man hurting me.
There is another twist here though which is concerning… He is hell bent on BLAMING me for his belongings being stolen, when in reality nothing has been taken… In fact the things he is calling his own…. Were never his but his accusations and rage come with a while new found false set of memories.
This morning it was over ratchets that he says I have cleaned him out of. He gets me costs down in a position where my hands are raised in front of my face to block whatever blow might come, then demands I lower my hands… While he’s still coming at me… Over something that NEVER happened and never would because it is not my nature.
I believe his “love” of me is part of his delusion. He lies to me, takes my things,has cheated on me more than once, hit me for calling him on it, is nothing but rude and derogatory and belittling.. Yet forcefully shouts out how he didn’t lie or cheat or take my things and is good to me.
I need HELP TURNING THE TABLES ON HIM SO HE WILL LET ME FREELY LEAVE
RESTRAINING ORDERS DON’T WORK FYI
He is above all
They don’t work if you don’t enforce them.
I have been with a Narc for 3 years now, I’ve been trying to leave for the last 2, which just so happens to be my sons age. I’m typing now with 2 black eyes and legit worries that this man might come finish me off. A couple of days ago I exposed him to his family, I told them they’re harboring and enabling a narcissist. I read the signs and symptoms, while clearly bruised up, infront of a room full of narcissist and enablers. I saw that I was getting nowhere so I told him he was sure fire hell bound, and that I want nothing more to do with him. My last words being, I’M NOT EVER RETURNING AGAIN, I’M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL, PEACE! This man has drained my bank account, got me fired/arrested( same day) under false pretense, made it so I had to drop out of school, helped me abandon all my hopes and dreams, has convinced everyone that I’m going crazy, left me family/friendless, physically, emotionally, sexually assaulted me, got me evicted, had me placed on house arrest, all without missing one days rest. But I’m on this end, stressing, paranoid, believing I’m going crazy, friendless, jobless. he’s a death beat doing the bare minimum so I’m solely responsible for my son’s day to day which is freakin stressful. Not to mention that I go to sleep thinking about different ways to “brutalize” him, and wake up thinking about different ways to brutalize him. I super hurt his pea sized ego and I don’t know what he’ll do. Should I get a restraining order or will that cause further damage? I’m asking if I should get a restraining order cause I’m scared for my life, but I’m worried about not upsetting him….maybe I am going crazy.
Wow ! This Explains Everyting about my Ex Wife… Just amazing how I never saw it before. She has every Symptom of Narcissism and still is carrying it on with her next Victim… Thanks it starts to make some sense of all the horrible things that happened
Does anyone else fear the widespread ownership of guns? I had to seriously work for years to keep them out of the house, for obvious reasons. A rage + a gun = potentially deadly situation. Scared me to pieces.
God this hit home I have been in a 3 year on and off relationship with my N. Started out great like all and slowly the lil joke insults the wear your clothes or makeup this way. The verbal attacks than the pushing, slapping, and shoving. I was always a woman that never took any kind of disrespect but with him it was all different. The last few months have been the worse since he is now addiction to drugs punching holding me against my will a gun to my head and stalking. The legal system here did not help me. They made me feel like I was the assailant… i pray and wish he would leave me alone find someone new. I feel my friends thunk I’m vain when I say he is obsessed with me. He makes my life hell when I leave him and honestly I wonder how this will all end.
My daughter has been seeing a man for the past 3 yrs. they have broken up and gotten back together at least 4 times during that period. It’s been 5 mos since the last break up. I have been doing some research oh personality disorders. I am convinced he is a narcissist just by everything she has told me. Even she has said as much. They’re was no contact for the first few months but he slowly started sending her messages. She is seriously thinking of going back to him. It’s a pattern I see every time. He’s nice to her for a few weeks, then when he starts not getting all her attention ( she has 3 girls, 9,12 and 15), he will start berating her, etc, etc. I’m sure you know how the story goes. I don’t want to
push her away but I also want her to know I think she’s crazy to want to go back. He can get really mean. As far as I know he has never hit her, but the verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad. Thank God she has never moved in with him but this time he has asked her to. she has a good job. She doesn’t need him financially. What can I say to her without pushing her away?
Great artical Savannah!!! You have covered points here that many articles leave out. You have managed to help us see the insanity of what we endured, by clearly pointing out the narcissist behaviors and thinking mentality. You also help us look honestly at where we need to grow to be resilient, and not fall prey to another such relationship. Without dealing with our dysfunction, we will repeat the mistakes of our past with a new narcissist. however if we deal with our issues and heal, we can move on to be healthy and free.
When I found out my NPD ex was cheating again, his family accused me of being a killer like Jodie Arias because I showed up at his house to see the proof (i.e. to see two cars at the driveway). This is a man who was arrested for hitting my car repeatedly while I was in it because he wanted me to move it. He’s hit me repeatedly. I never called the police all the times he’s choked me, hit me, and everything else. The nerve of those people to SLANT me when their son was the abuser, and they were perfectly aware of it. They just were so happy he found another woman to date. The worst part is, she has kids. They somehow think him dating a different woman will produce a different result. His previous girlfriend thought he was a sociopath. Twenty years of ex girlfriends who call him a liar and an emotional abuser, but somehow it’s ME, the one he choked, that is most likely to be the murderer said HIS MOTHER who he has a creepy relationship with.
Ashley you don’t need their validation. You don’t need proof that his car is or isn’t in the drive way. You don’t need to be a detective or catch him in anything. They are his parents and they will continue to love and support him long after you’re gone from his life. They aren’t interested in the truth. He has been spinning tales for them his whole life – you’re just another chapter on the awful girls our son dates. Who cares what they think. You have all the proof that you need to move on. From the looks of it, your relationship is toxic and no good for you. You need to let it go. Stop the chase. Stop investing anymore time and energy on this and move on.
I’m shook yet again. While my ex narc would always be on his cell. Talking to me knowsometimes in union about his ex or what ever. He never asked to see mine.
My face book was all about church and thank God I’m not a big face book user. So exchanging pages did not come up.
My ex narc is on parole. Lives in a halfway house. I work in a correctional community for ex offenders of drug charges.( what the hell is wrong with me.)
He said he stabbed up a guy who did something disrespectful to his girlfriend at the time. And oh get this…. That the guy told on him…again what is wrong with me.
The flags went up but until now reading what Savannah wrote and narcrepellant wrote is now when I’m really scared. Afraid.
He broke up with me. So I hope he moves on.
He did like to horseplay, but like I said in another comment section. He baited me twice in horse play. Let me win the 1st time that day. The second horseplaying he became a little more aggressive but let me win again. The third time that day he pinned me down and pressure point to muscles in both my legs.
All the while making things seem like it was all just play.
Like I said I am having surgery in march. He knew this hip replacement. Wow. What is wrong with me.
So was that violence towards me???? Like the above comments and the blog states no one really knows for sure.
Do I feel safe now No. He is on parole. Does that help me if things don’t go his way. And tries to come back.
I just moved here in November. In order to prepare for the surgery.
This makes me wont to lose hope in all humanity.
I keep thinking of that every blog on this site I read yaaaaaa things are gonna get better. Now after reading this one ahhhhhh. I was playing with fire.
My ex, I believe, is a narcissist. Very controlling…I was always having to keep my eye on the phone to prevent his wrath if I missed a call. I was always “cheating” even though I never considered it…I could never provide enough sex even though I made sure I did at least 3-4 times per week. It was absolutely insane! I finally figured out it was abuse. That is how stupid I was at first. It is totally like the frog in boiling water! Anyway, my question is this…we have been apart for 7 months and the threats are increasing more and more. He flat out states that I am going to get it and he will beat the shit out of me. I want to think he is bluffing, but….who knows! My question is if a narc continually says this are they likely to follow through or has there been enough time apart now to believe that he will not do anything and that he is all talk? I always said he cares too much about himself to get into any trouble. But I sure do get scared and anxious sometimes. We have a 2 year old son and that is the reason I have had to interact with him. But since we were not married and there is no court order, I potentially could go no contact order. I hated to do that…worried that would make him really go over the edge. I am at a crossroads and don’t really know what to do.
Anxious if he is threatening you – call the police – period – do not guess on whether or not he would or would not beat you or kill you, because the truth is, who knows if he will, but wouldn’t you rather be safe than sorry? I would suggest complete no contact and talk to a judge, if you MUST hand your child over for shared custody, then have it done through a third party. Do not be alone with this man ever. You might want to consider moving. Talk to people – your friends, family, a counselor, the police – ask the police what they think you should do and what would be the best way to protect yourself.
I shared a home with a now 50 year old Bipolar, alcoholic N for 8 years. I can’t even begin to explain all that went on.. But I did get out! Once I made that decision I was 100% dedicated and it would take 3 years to execute.. (I’ll explain the steps later.)
The first year or two of our 8 years together was great (manic really) and then the next 2 years I tried to keep the relationship from derailing. I worked hard. He was addicted to many unhealthy behaviors. A heirum of girls online, porn, video games, lies, 2 pck of sigs a day and drunk every night and day. He was unable to get a job for these 4 years. my hard earned money was completely tapped trying to support us and to keep my home. Finally year 5 he got a part-time janitor position and I began to plan my exit. Like I said, this would take 3 years to execute safely. With him working I was able to find a way to put $300 a month into savings. I found things around the house that I could sell including old jewelery and furniture that I thought I could do without. I bought almost nothing new, except a Large SUV with dark tinted windows. This would be crucial.. By the end of year 6 (last year of my exit plan) I would use this SUV to secretly pack other items out of the house to either sell or move into a secret storage room I rented, this is where I put my most important valuables, things I would need to start anew, things I had to have. When I visit the storage room I always felt happy and excited for my future, I loved seeing my favorite stuff all together and safe and sometimes I just wanted to sit there and savor it.
Most furniture in the home, kitchen items, etc had grown old and I cared nothing for them. I also started seeing a counselor who kept me positive and soothed my fears. But, I mostly felt excited and could see my plans coming together. I read a lot of books about healthy relationships and making change in your life. By the end of year 7, I was ready. The secret savings account was healthy about 12,000… I talked a lot to my N about how it would be a great time to sell the small home we lived in and buy a larger nicer one in a better neighborhood. Showed him pictures of possible homes I was interested in.
Then in the final 90 days I talked about staging the home for sale and urged for us to move into a small apartment for the summer. He found one just 3 blocks from his work and I moved us in, well actually I moved him in. Filled it with all the old furniture and kitchen stuff, some of my old clothes.. It was agreed that I was to stayed another month at the house to finish painting and packing, so he thought. He liked the idea cause He was now having a new affair with a women from his work. PERFECT timing for me. This affair kept him busy. I was actually ready for the house to go onto the market that first week after he moved and it sold in four days, a few days after that I shipped my 1000 lbs of stuff from storage, 2000 miles to my sisters and I started my long drive to my new life. I ended up spending the summer with my dog in a mountain cabin far far away.. I was a little scared the morning I was planning to leave. Kept thinking my N would show up and figure out I was moving, burn the house down, become violent… So midmorning I actually drove over to the apartment to make sure he wasn’t planning to go anywhere and told him I had to spend the day with my mom, I would call him later. I had the title of his car signed and as I returned to my car, passing his, I hid it in his glove box with money to transfer title. Raced back to house loaded the dog and the remaining items and drove 500 miles to my first stop, whew… After the second day on the road when I finished my next 500 miles. The halfway point of my trip, I texted him one last time and told him; The house had sold and I had decided to travel with my mother for the summer, wasn’t sure what I was doing after that, he had one week to transfer the car title. DMV had been notified and the car insurance would be canceled. I wished him well. Then I shut my phone off. You can’t believe the weight that came off my shoulders. Got a new phone in my state. Got a PO box.. My savings got me reestablished and the money from selling the house will allow me to sometime soon buy a new house, or it would have been my backup if I had not found work by summers end. It took 3 months to find the perfect job, in the perfect town. I made new friends, I traveled the new region exploring. 1 year ago I lived in hell, 8 months ago I escaped, Now I can’t believe my life. I LOVE IT!
Thanks for your comments they really help me see I am not alone in falling for all his lies. Just unreal how many lies he told. The most abuse I see is in the BDSM lifestyle that these Narcs use the lifestyle that they are the Master and control the woman and all these narc behaviors! It is all mind games but these women go into it thinking fifty shades of gray. No healthy relationship can have one person always in charge – it has to be give and take.
It took awhile but I was able to kick my NARC out. After he was gone, I started to see all the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse that I endured. I reported my abuse and rape to the police. I had to give a lengthy account of the relationship. When the investigator interviewed him, he lied about the entire relationship but, s he ensured the investigator that he broke up with me. I didn’t know that taking back your key and packing up his things meant he broke up with me. Of course he was not prosecuted because our stories didn’t match but why would they. He even got up and left the interview. Well all-in-all the criminal system just re traumatized me and gave him a pat on the back. I hope his ego is still hurt.
The last reply concerning the anti-gun propaganda is only to SISTERSUE and her comment and no one else
People used to be warned about predators when they were told myths, legends and fairy tales. And myths fairy tales are not actually about ‘fairies’, but about warning both children and adults, albeit in a metaphorical and indirect way, about seeing dangers in other human beings. Here in Ireland, there is still a belief in the power of the story in handing down wisdom from one generation to the next. And many books have been written on this and on the fact that its demise has led to a serious vacuum in our culture, leaving people more exposed and vulnerable. The links between us and previous generations have been broken in many ways, and this is just one of them.
This comment is regarding Narc Repellent’s Epic post: Wow. Thank you for writing it and writing so well. This is exactly how my N was, right down to needing me to take pictures of my food and table company to “prove” where I was!! I too nervously checked my phone during dinners, and texted responses. Once, (like you) I didn’t hear the phone ringing at a birthday dinner and when I texted him that I was at *Wendy’s birthday party, he too answered with, “Sure, ok…cool. Guess you can’t talk. Have fun with your BF!” And even when I texted him a picture of all of us LADIES seated around the table, he accused me of having our boyfriends take the picture!! He also works out of town 2-3 days a week.
NOTHING I said would ever soothe or reassure him. Once, when I was jogging, he texted me, and when I got back and checked my phone there were 7 texts, peppered with remarks about not being a priority in his life (which really meant he didn’t like not being the ONLY priority in my life) and ‘???’, ‘wtf’ and ‘whatever’. Then, when I tried to call him back, HE refused to pick up the phone or reply to my texts apologizing for upsetting him! THIS is how we slowly become insane. We are utterly ADDICTED to the approval of others, and if you were a fatherless, uncherished girl (like I was), the approval of your significant other becomes CRUCIAL to your own sense of well-being. The trick is to love YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU LOVE HIM. That means, just like you said, RUNNING FAR FAR AWAY from men who do these insidious, controlling, life-draining things. We must try caring about OUR OWN FEELINGS AND NEEDS with the same (or better) urgency and effort we tend to his. Once we get the hang of this, life become so much easier and more joyful. Love yourself enough to leave an abusive situation. It is foolish pride if you think you can change him or twist yourself into a pretzel to keep him soothed.
@Sassysusie — I wrote the post that you commented on. Thank you for reading and sharing your story. Reading your account of what your ex did to you gave me the chills — it’s eerie how similar our stories are!
You are so right. I tolerated this because like you, I was an uncherished child. My primary caregiver, my mother, is a Narcissist, and my father is her enabler. During my critical, formative years my mother never respected my boundaries and I was not allowed to set them — trying to set any boundaries with her or telling her to stop only brought her rage. I grew to be an adult who didn’t know how to establish boundaries with people. When I think about the crazy things that you and I both did to try to “prevent” our Narcs from lashing out at us and accusing us — texting them at the dinner table, sending them photos to prove where we were — for me, I think it goes back to having to walk on eggshells around my mother. I learned through my father to just “not do anything to upset her.” I never knew when she was going to fly off the handle, as she was so unpredictable and got incensed over the most inane, minute and nonsensical things. Approval is also a huge part of it — I’m not a people people in my work life, at all, but I definitely have been in my personal life, especially my intimate relationships. I never got any approval from my mother so I unconsciously sought validation from men.
Looking back at what my ex did, I think about that old adage about the frog in boiling water — how if you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and then slowly turn up the heat, then the frog won’t jump out of the pot and will eventually be boiled alive. That is exactly what our exes did to us — the controlling behavior was slow and methodical. He called all the time under the guise of wanting to talk to me and missing me — how could that be wrong? It eventually got to the point where I, too, could not go for a jog or to the gym without receiving several missed calls and texts. He did this once when he was at home and not out of town for work — I went to the gym and put my phone in my locker. After an hour, he had apparently determined I was gone too long — and he repeatedly called and texted asking where I was and sent a slew of nasty and accusatory messages. My Narc also did the same thing yours did — if I didn’t get back to him right away, sometimes when I would call back, he’d decline the call on purpose or text me a rude message that he wasn’t going to answer because he was “mad” at me — meaning he was trying to punish me and “teach me a lesson” for not doing what he wanted — being available and on call 24/7, no matter what.
It’s been six months, and honestly, this has been one of the hardest things to detox from since I left his sorry as — the fact that I was a constant ball of anxiety and simply could not enjoy life and be in the moment. I couldn’t turn my phone off to take a nap. I was constantly looking at it, staring at it, texting him and reassuring him when I was out with friends, at work or even trying to relax at the beach. I’m a surfer, and he refused to go to the beach with you. When you surf, you have to leave your phone and valuables in your car, not on the beach as you’re 50 years away from the shoreline! He’d be at home, I’d tell him I was going surfing and would be back “later” — you never know what the conditions would be like or how long you can stay out that day. When I’d return to my car, I’d find that he would start texting and calling an hour after I left the house, asking “how was the beach?” and I’d get the third degree when I came home. As you can see, his behavior made me become a huge, wound-up ball of stress.
Ultimately, you and I and everyone who reads this blog who is a victim of a Narc — we were all objects to these people. We were not supposed to have feelings, “me time,” wants, desires and needs. I am convinced that Narcs want slaves and robots — someone who will worship the ground they walk and will be at their beck and call for everything. You going to dinner with your girlfriends, me going to the beach to surf — that is asserting our independence. Narcs can’t handle that — they don’t want their source of supply to have ANY independence. They want us at home, locked in the house, waiting on them and thinking of them.
I cannot explain how GOOD it feels to put my phone on silent when I go to sleep at night. To go for a run and leave my phone at home. To go out to dinner and not look at it ONCE and give my friend my full, undivided attention. I’m starting to feel normal again. In fact, I’m going on vacation in two weeks, and I plan on turning off my phone the entire time. It’s going to feel great!
Savannah mentioned the Jodi Arias case in her post. I didn’t follow the media circus during the trial, so I just did some reading on it. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Jodi Arias treated Travis Alexander this way, too, the way that our exes treated us — getting completely incensed when he didn’t answer her calls or text him back right away. I really think that this is an early hallmark sign of an abuser, and that because of our modern cellphone technology, that their first step is to use the mobile phone as a means of control, since we’re all more accessible than we were 10 years ago because of them. It really is stalking, there’s no way to sugarcoat it. Trying to control your whereabouts is the first step of trying to control you in general.
I hope that you, too, are much happier now. After leaving my Narc, I’ve really learned how being with the wrong person can really fuck up your life. I’m so much happier and my life is so much better since I’ve kicked him to the curb. I feel like I did when I was 18 and first went off to college — so free, that the world is my oyster, and that I can go anywhere and do anything.
Whew – good article. Right when I am trying to make a plan to leave my long-term Narcissist. Thank you for the reminder about safety. It is so true in my situation with the double standard. What’s his is his, what’s mine is his.
He is cheating every week now with teen prostitutes while he will be 60 years old next year. His addictions are escalating and I was totally unprepared for that. Thanks for letting me vent as I know it sounds outrageous – but aren’t they always outrageous…..
I’ve turned into a shy little ball of hate but I know I can blossom and recover if I can get away from him. It’s really not that easy for me to leave – not yet if I want it to be safe and permanent.
I have been keeping quiet around him and that works most of the time. But lately, he has been irritable and restless and mean to me. I am hoping I have time to get a realistic plan together. This article reminds me of what I am really up against. And he is really capable of impulsive behavior of all kinds. He has made veiled threats throughout the marriage, but I “got used to it” and let it be. Now that I am seriously considering just how to leave and be safe, I am more on alert. I think that’s a good thing – to be more on alert.
Thanks for the reminder about safety and thanks for this site. Whew !!
I was married to a narcissist for 20 yrs, until I had a major crisis and no longer was the big money maker professional for him. Then he divulged all his secrets (affairs, pathological liar, thief, major spender, ect) which I recorded. He thought he would move right on with his next conquest and take everything – our money, our daughter, ect. Well he forgot what a fighter I was. He ended up with the cheat, but nothing else and is a very bitter man.
Now almost 2 years later, he tries to ruin my life. Again, when I turn to God I have my help and hero. But some days are very difficult. I worry that one day he will become violent. He is all about his good guy image and how people perceive him. It’s not so good now and it makes him angry. He takes that her friends parents don’t let their kids stay with him and the girlfriend out on my daughter. I’m at my wits end. Almost want to move away. But all my friends and family are here. I wish I had known about narcissist when I was young.
Sorry, I am going to over-write again and post an epic comment.
Dear Readers, please, please please RUN AWAY RIGHT AWAY if you are dating a man or woman who becomes annoyed or even the slightest bit upset when you are unavailable and do not answer your cellphone when they call or text them back right away. The moment you are asked some version of “Why didn’t you answer your phone?” or “Why did you turn off your phone?” when it is NOT an emergency situation, or are texted something accusatory, panicky and tantrum-like, such as: “?????!!!! Fine, whatever” or “You must be seeing someone else because you’re not writing me back!” is an enormous, pulsating sign that you’re dating an insecure, controlling piece of shit.
Be especially careful if you’re on a dating website or using an app like Tinder. There have been quite a few cases of men lashing out at women on these sites for not writing them back right away – do NOT go out with these people under any circumstances.
Parents, please tell your teenage sons and daughters that it is not normal for someone they are dating to need or want to know all of their whereabouts. You as a parent have that right, but their boyfriend/girlfriend does not. Reiterate this to them when they are away at college, that no one has the right to do this to them.
This was a huge, glaring red flag of my ex Narc’s possessiveness and control issues that I ignored as a grown-ass adult. He did not do this when we were dating. He started doing it once we got serious and after he had moved into my place. He always seemed to have an innocuous excuse for this behavior. But this is how control starts and over time, it escalated into other areas of our relationship. Because he did this in such an insidious way, I wanted to share my story.
The first time he did it:
He went out of town for work. During his lunch break one day, he asked me to call him after I got off work so that we could chat and I agreed. Toward the end of the work day, I got a last-minute request from a friend asking me to attend a cooking class — it cost $100, but my friend said someone had canceled and he begged me to take the spot. Would I mind going, for free, and Tweeting and Instagramming about the class? Since I’m a food writer I couldn’t turn that opportunity down. I texted my N out of courtesy and let him know what was up and that I could talk to him after I got home from the class – the same courtesy I would give anyone when I can’t make an agreed appointment.
Right before class was about to start, I was driving around looking for parking. My N called. I answered the phone, and he asked what was up and sounding like he wanted to have a full, involved conversation. I was perplexed as to why he was calling – I mentioned I needed to get to that class and that I was late, that I already told him about it and he knew what time it was starting and had acknowledged this.
His answer wasn’t “Oh, that’s right, I forgot. I’m sorry, talk to you later babe!” It was: “I’m having a bad day and just want to talk to you, I’m out of town… and there you are, going out!!!” My creep meter shot through the roof. But I ignored it and said I would call him back later that night. When we talked, he acted like nothing happened — he didn’t even ask me about the class, what I made and what I learned. He went on and on about his day and how shitty it was.
This behavior continued and evolved into something really ugly and scary over time.
If I was out at dinner with a friend, he’d send me a nasty text demanding to know why I didn’t tag that friend on Facebook or post any photos of my food. I only do that when I’m at a work event – I’m not one of those annoying people that needs to take pictures of all of my food before I eat it! When I’d ask him why he was giving me the third degree, he’d say “I’m just
asking, jeez!”
Another night when he was out of town, I had planned a dinner with a mutual female friend. I told my N what day and time the dinner was. He then asked over and OVER again what time my dinner was with her, by phone AND by text. That night, I picked my friend up and drove to the restaurant. At 6 p.m. on the dot right when I had parked, my N called. I answered, annoyed.
He greeted me with a “What’s up?” and “How are you?” This time I was incensed. “Why are you calling?! I told you how many times that I’m going to dinner with *Jane. We just parked and need to go in to make our reservation on time.” My friend looked at me in disbelief and disappointment. She kindly said nothing.
By the time I dropped Jane off, I had a text from my N demanding why I didn’t post any food pics on Facebook, check-in to the restaurant and tag Jane in any photos. I actually drove home while fighting with my N on the phone, screaming my head off that I did post these things and he just didn’t see them.
I was arguing with a man about the existence of my Facebook posts as though my life depended on it.
I found myself doing things to prevent him from getting upset and questioning me. I went out of my way to check in and tag people on social media when I went out without him, that way he could see who I was with and where I was. I’d nervously glance at my phone throughout a dinner and would write back to him while I was AT THE TABLE WITH OTHER PEOPLE, thinking I was being discreet.
But I wasn’t being discreet. I was being insane and falling right into his trap and letting him control me!
None of this worked, either. He always found something to yell at me or complain about. I didn’t post enough photos. I wasn’t clear about where I was. There was always SOMETHING “wrong” with what I did and where I went.
Escalation:
He started questioning why I didn’t answer my phone or respond to a text right away when I was AT WORK. If I did pick up in the middle of the day, he’d ask: “What are you doing?” or insist to know when I was taking my lunch break. If I took lunch later than normal, he would ask why.
He started getting upset when I wanted or needed to get off of the phone, especially when I was out with friends or at work events.
A male friend of ours got so incensed about this one night. He and I were at “our place,” our neighborhood bar, on a Friday night and catching up while my N was out of town working. My N called and I excused myself to go chat with him, figuring I’d only be gone for about five minutes. I kept trying to politely get off the phone, my N kept preventing me from doing that – it was very awkward. I was outside much too long, because my friend followed me outside of the bar and literally grabbed my phone out of my hands and said THIS to my N:
“What the fuck is your problem, *John?! Are you talking about something with NarcRepellent that is SO important to your relationship that she needs to ignore me, her friend, and everyone else in this bar?! She’s not going to stop living her life just because you’re working out of town. Stop being a fucking baby.”
And my friend hung up the phone. It was such a mic drop moment that I want to clap just thinking about it.
My friend was right. Everyone in my life could see that my N was trying to control and isolate me, and for the most part, it worked.
He wanted to make my life such a living hell when I went out, that he was hoping I’d just voluntarily stop going out and completely abandon my friends and the things that I enjoy.
And I did wind up abandoning one of my female friends. He decided he did not like this friend (he had no good reason), and he threw a fit every time she called or texted me. When I went out with her he always threw a fit, called her names behind her back and would say abusive things, such as she was cheating on her husband and I was helping her do it. (Also nonsensical). It was just easier to not hang out with her. I stop returning her calls and turned down invitations. It was easier to stay home and be available then go have fun with her.
What resulted of this? I was no longer fun to hang out with. How could I be fun if I was always looking at my phone or disappearing to take too-long phone calls and not be present in the moment with them? My friends stopped inviting me out. Even PR people stopped inviting me out to dinners and events because I was no longer fun to be around and not giving people my full attention. Because of my N, I started outright flaking on events that I had RSVPd for, was leaving early to call him or was just super awkward when I did attend.
The final straw:
I forced myself to go a restaurant’s anniversary party because I was SO tired of missing out on my life and the invites had been dwindling. At the event, I felt like my old self a bit and I ran into a friend I had not seen in some time. It was loud inside, I didn’t hear my phone ring. As I left for the night, I saw all of my N’s par for the course messages. I called him. I told him that I ran into *Jill and how happy I was to see her.
“Uh huh, sure. Whatever.” I asked what he was insinuating. His answer: “Nothing. Nothing, I’m just kidding babe.” Now, this bistro was next to a few pubs. As I was on the phone with my N, there were people walking past me and yelling at each other on the sidewalk – typical noise for a Thursday night out in a bar district.
“Who is that? WHERE are you?!”
“I’m outside of Le Bistro. I’m calling an Uber and going home.”
“Yeah right, you’re going to the bar!”
See how maddening and exhausting this back and forth was? I was defending myself CONSTANTLY. Defending myself for practically leaving the fucking house.
Notice how my N never outright said “I don’t want you to go,” or accused me of cheating? It was always veiled. When I challenged his questions, he denied that there was any motive or vehemence behind it. But he asked these same questions more often and over more inane things.
I finally had enough and told him that he was being controlling and that he needed to stop this bullshit (why did it take me so long to say that?!) Not knowing he was a Narc, I asked him what was his point in doing this to me. He wasn’t accusing me of cheating and he always swore that WASN’T what he was doing — nor did he have any reason to worry about that. His answer to me makes me want to throw up:
“I’m jealous that you’re going to these dinners and events without me. I’m jealous because I’m working out of town and can’t go.”
So. … because he couldn’t go and attend with me, he was upset that I was going out alone.
Upset that I was getting free food and drinks without him. In his mind, it was OK to question me like a cop and make my life miserable because how dare I get to experience these wonderful things without him.
Know what he did when I kicked him out of the apartment and broke up with him for good? He continued to call me (we had to stay in touch for a few more weeks for him to complete the moving-out process) and then started accusing me of cheating and he seriously upped the ante on his verbal abuse. When we were no longer together. When I refused to answer his calls or his text messages, I received messages from him saying: “You’re out being single!” “You’re hanging out with Female Friend I Don’t Like at the Bar I Hate!” “You’re screwing someone else and cheating on me!” “You must have been cheating this entire time!”
Can you only imagine what might have happened to me had I stayed with this asshole? I very well could have been murdered, too.
There is never a good reason, ever, to be talked to this way by anyone, unless you are literally being cross-examined in a trial or are held in custody by the actual police.
A secure, trusting person doesn’t freak out if you don’t answer the phone. They don’t get mad if anecdotal text messages are not returned right away. They don’t assume you’re out sleeping with anyone and everyone if you lose reception or your phone battery goes dead. No needs to know where you are at all times when you are a grown adult, nor do they have an inherent right to know.
My N changed my normal for me. This is how the abuse starts. Please don’t let anyone do this to you.
Thanks, Savannah for your input. That helps reinforce my perception and my resolve.
Oh, dear! It’s hard not to be scared reading this. But sure enough, it’s a good advice to be scared rather than sorry. What actually concerns me more is that I might’ve missed the opportunity to leave in the discard phase. Maybe, I took too much time! Now in the 6th month of the crisis he is all of sudden becoming nicer and nicer. Behaving more and more as it nothing happened. And of course he will never come up with asking me to sit down and have a serious talk. He probably thinks that bit by bit, a little bit of carrot treatment, as you described so accurately, and things will be like they used to be before. God, please give me strength!
Thank you for this article! My N was very abusive and angry for several years when I asked him to leave. He did leave and found a new supply immediately so I was completly discarded after over 20 years. He has been contacting our children who want nothing to do with him because of his behavior. They are older and don’t talk to him. The messages are always all about him and they see it. I will be adding more safety procautions for all of us since reading this because if his previous outrages and anger. I have been NC for awhile now I see that more safety is needed. Thanks again.
So true. My daughter used to watch Criminal Minds–while her dad was still living with us–and that show made my hair stand on end. I hated it; so many of the criminals were narcissists and without usually even mentioning it, and the show taught me how the violence was in there and the motivation for it. And I bet I know why she watched it. I started leaving when he was in a discard phase, but he switched from the discard phase and I have been wary. The most dangerous thing is that we are not no contact. He is still trying to get me back; he has both me and my daughter now on a pedestal. I allowed him to come to her birthday dinner, which led to more communication–and yesterday when I came home from work he was in MY kitchen preparing dinner. I drew the line firmly, which led to him berating me for 20 min (away from my daughter) and to her coming in tears to me for “making Dad feel bad; he was just being nice.” So, yes, NO CONTACT is the way to go. I do care what my daughter feels, but right now I have to make the decision that I know is right. I cannot make her go no contact, and that is not the issue, but I can go no contact. She is 18 and can spend as much or as little time with her dad as she wants. I am here for her, and I will listen to her, but I will not change things and let her dad back into the house. And “being nice” is his way back in.
Kathy my creep-o-meter started to go off when I read about him in your kitchen, uninvited, cooking dinner. Good for you for enforcing your boundaries.