I used to hold an image of a woman in my mind. She was me, but not me. She was actually, everything that I was not. She was tall and I am not, she was model thin and I was not, stunningly beautiful and I was not, she was talented and everybody loved her and I was unlovable. She was rich and famous and on top of the world and I believed that if only I could be her then people would love me. She was more than an image actually. She was someone I would daydream about being all the time. I’ve never admitted this before to anyone, it’s kind of embarrassing but analyzing this Ideal Self taught me a lot about my core beliefs about myself, and all the places where I believed I was lacking. What it also did was create an impossible standard, one I could never achieve.
I recently read a fantastic book entitled Conquering Shame and Codependency by Darlene Lancer, one of the best books, I believe, on Codependency out there and I would recommend it to anyone looking to break free from Codependency. She breaks it down and provides reasons to what and why codependents believe what they do and what drives their behavior. She provides specific illustrations of types of behaviors and where codependents fit. The following examples are illustrations she provides to explain the self-schemas and what happens when we are born into dysfunctional environments.
The Real Self
The Real Self is our authentic self, who we truly are, without generations of dysfunction handed to us at birth, without crippling beliefs about how we don’t measure up. Our real self is comfortable in our own skin, it’s when we feel accepted and at peace with who we really are.
The real self feels free to express their needs and wants and their vast array of emotions without fear. The real self is free, unencumbered by fear, shame or chronic sadness. Children who grow up with parents that are accepting and supportive and know that they are separate beings and not extensions of themselves, foster children that are confident and comfortable being themselves.
The Ideal Self
The ideal self is the image that I wrote about in the opening paragraph. It’s the you – you wished you could be. The ideal self is created when our caregivers teach us that there is something wrong with our real self. It’s what develops when our immature emotional development is not encouraged, supported and treated with love and understanding, but is instead fed a healthy dose of shame.
Lancer says, “Over time as we internalize our shame, we reject the real self and construct a new identity by imagining a fictional self that is shaped by our personality, defenses and experiences. “ Lancer believes that we create the ideal self to survive our environment and as a beacon of what we should be, but instead of helping what it actually does is it creates a huge divide between who we are and who we believe we have to be in order to be loved.
The Codependent Self
The codependent self is disconnected from their real self. As Lancer says, “(The codependent self) can’t function from his or her innate self, but organizes thinking and behavior around another person.”
Codependents have a seemingly unshakable belief that they are unworthy of love and are deserving of poor treatment. As I’ve said many times, Codependency really is a dysfunctional relationship with the self and when we boil it all down what remains is just another way the psyche tries to cope with toxic shame.
The Ideal Self and the Codependent self are the result of children born into environments where their individuality and freedom to express themselves was not fostered or encouraged. Its what happens when children learn to suppress their true selves – their needs and wants for attention or safety. Lanser tells us that when that happens, “the child loses touch with innate cues and responses which impairs the healthy growth of the autonomous self.”
Codependents deeply feel like there is a void inside of them, that they are not whole and are in need of someone else to complete them. They regularly put others first, while ignoring their own needs.
In my Skype sessions with clients I will often ask them, “What do you like? What do you enjoy doing? “ And many of them can’t tell me, or they break down and cry, because they are so disconnected from themselves and their true self is so inaccessible to them, cognitively and emotionally, that they can’t even connect with it and come up with an answer.
The goal for all who wish to break free from codependency is the development of an autonomous self, one who is fully in touch and connected to their own wants and needs, one who consistently practices self-care and who feels completely whole all by themselves, one who can communicate effectively and makes sound decisions all on their own through logic and experience, not through guilt or shame.
One of the ways in which we do this is by letting go of the ideal self. The ideal self is an unobtainable construct that served as a coping mechanism when we were children. It’s how we learned how to survive and what we believed we needed to be in order to get the love and approval we so desperately sought. But as healthy adults its keeps us from being who we are and from accepting our true self.
The Ideal Self isn’t the us that needs to lose 20 Lbs. It’s not our self-improvement model we hope to obtain. Most of us have goals. The Ideal Self is an unobtainable, unrealistic creation that we hold that is completely out of our reach. Holding onto the ideal self forces us to reject the true self – it keeps us divided and always lacking, so the key is to let go of the ideal self and start embracing who you really are.
I really liked my ideal self. I wish I could have lived her life. She was a rock star and a super model all in one – two things I will never be. When I let her go I became more present and focused on me and the moment. I, the real me had things to do and was too busy to slip into a daydream about what my ideal self would do. Focusing on the moment and who you are forces you to connect. When you live in the real world you gain practice seeing things for what they truly are and not how you wish they would be.
It’s funny, I was looking at one of my fourth grade report cards, and one of the comments said, “Savannah always seems to be daydreaming and staring out the window.” How old are you in grade four? 7-8? Even then I was well on my way to being disconnected and wishing I was somewhere else and somebody else.
I remember that sad little girl. I ache for her sometimes, but I’m glad that I didn’t spend my whole life without figuring out the mystery. It’s never too late to discover your authentic self. Let go of who you wish you were and embrace who you really are and take center stage of your own life. It’s time.
Your Comments!!!!!!
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I just found your website and it is an eye opening experience. I am going to order the book as well. I still day dream and go to fantasy world when things are out of control. Thanx Savanna for the insight. No physiologist could have helped me, like you did.. Why, I don’t know because they are qualified?
I have just found your website and am so grateful! I have learned so much…oh.my.goodness.
Thank you so much.
I just ordered the book you listed and look forward starting my healing journey.
Awesome! Thanks so much for writing and sharing this – I’ve just ordered Ms. Lancer’s book!
Stronger Today –
After reading your post, I applaud you, It will be almost a month since I divorced my N. When I read your “text” message to your N, I had the same experience with mine just last week.
It’s amazing that our conversation with them is almost verbatim. I struggle trying to see beyond the scope of what our relationship was….How can someone treat another human being so cruely and not have any guilt
or remorse for what they did is beyond me.
I only wish I could turn off my feelings for him like he did me.
EyesWideOpen –
I am so ready to undergo my own metamorphosis as you did.
Blessings
This article was such a great tool in my self healing. I thank you for sharing your story. You are so appreciated. No words can express my gratitude for your insightful words. This was much needed I hope more people find this helpful as I myself did. Thank you again.
Great article thanks Savannah!
What helped me the most to meet me, my real self is Somatic Experiencing (Peter Levine Trauma work)! I even became a SE therapist myself. Such a gentle way of connetcing very mindful with the nervoussystem and the true self. Becoming aware when the system is dissociating by spacing out or going up into often enough compulsive thinking. My life changed completely, i realized and felt the pain of my codependent self and stopped looking for men who were emotionally not available … slowly i learn to build stable relationships with friends where we just can enjoy and nurture each other. I wish for each of your sweet hearts to come back to your precious real self! Much love and embraces.
Savannah I have learnt a lot from you and thank you for that!!! my healing is from a textbook psychopathic relationship. The differences are marginal but this post did not resonate with me. I was targeted because I was a happy confident competent person. My vulnerability was a very controlling father. he adored me but had very strong ideas about “good girls” and I rebelled. My rebellion did not fracture my relationship to him. So when I met my ex I assumed that the control was natural and if I rebelled there would be negotiation and resolution. NO. What I did get from your posts is the recurrent theme of how vulnerable each of us are due to family of origin and inner child issues. the learning to STOP being a people pleaser and start enforcing boundaries I credit to your posts that I look forward to every Mon. God Bless!!!!
Teachers told my mom the exact same thing. “It’s like she’s somewhere else..”
Thanks Savannah
Thank you for this much needed article. After understanding, accepting and doing the grief work over my ex NPD (still have my flashbacks), I’ve been focused on finding my true self buried under decades of toxic shame initially created by severe early childhood abuse by both parents and perpetuated by toxic relationships I chose and codependently participated in. That includes my relationship with myself. I recently read Bradshaw’s “Healing the Shame That Binds You”, but it’s just scratched the surface. One thing he highly recommends is attending 12 step meetings, and I was curious if you have an opinion on that, Sav. Also, any tips on finding a therapist who knows how to do this shame work would be most helpful. I’m striking out on that big time.Thank you for the additional book recommendation! I’ll pick it up today. All of your articles have been so helpful in both understanding the varieties and tactics of NPD’s (which so much literature and professionals don’t have a full understanding of) as well as these articles on healing ourselves as codependants. As easy as it is to solely blame the NPD, we must look at our own participation so and beliefs about ourselves and heal ourselves.
Nathalie I know the 12 Steps and all the meetings are very helpful to some people. They provide a safe environment where you can talk and listen to difficult things. I’ve never gone but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t find something helpful there – in terms of talking about it – you should think about Skyping with Savannah – that’s my recommendation lol.
Nathalie –
12 step groups can be a fantastic source of healing and recovery. For me,my Al-Anon groups are an essential tool for maintaining balance, and I really look forward to my meetings. Though Al-Anon originated with people who had to deal with alcoholics these groups help anyone who copes with abuse and trauma. Narcissists inflict this in all of us so all of us should qualify for 12 step support.
What are the meetings like? They start with good constructive uplifting readings from Al-Anon literature. There may be a lead speaker who talks about her or his personal experience. There is always sharing — 1 to 3 minute statements sbiut what the reading means for you today. The literature Is positive and really helpful. I’ve learned not to obsess about others’ feelings (by detaching from them); how to ficus on my wants and needs (self care); how to share myself with others without losing myself. How to help myself by being of device to others. Etc.!
Give it a try, it might just be amazing!
HC
Thanks Savannah. I really needed to read this today. I was right there with you daydreaming in primary school. I grew up in a Creepy family that seemed to get worse with time.
I now know they resisted my becoming an adult so of course they escalated as I got older. So now I have years of experience in being dissociated from my Self. But reminders like this article are so helpful. What works really well for me is just what you said – being in the moment with me.
I think I will write a reminder on my fridge door that says: “how are YOU today ?” Thanks again !!
Savannah, and other commentators, just curious on your input, I’ve been reading a lot about creative visualization lately and been implementing it in my life. But it is basically day dreaming. In your opinion how does one keep balance between positive visualization vs creating a false self? I guess attainability is one criteria. And still accepting and appreciating yourself. Any other thoughts?
Hi Poppy the difference is with daydreaming it’s just a fantasy you’re thinking about – with mindful visualization you use your emotions – meaning you kind of trick your brain into believing that you are actually where you think you are. You experience the feelings of doing what you are imagining you are doing.
It’s sad how some children, like us, have no choice but to grow up in an environment with parents who project all their unfulfilled expectations of THEMSELVES on us. Thank goodness there is a supportive network and people like you Savannah, who offer insight to empower ourselves to find our REAL SELF. Much gratitude to you and everyone on this self-discovery journey.
Wonderful article. Thanks.
This is an incredible article and includes many helpful comments as well. I tried Al-Anon as well and although the first group I attended didn’t suit me, there was another that did. So you could try more than one to compare if you feel the need as I did.
My N has emailed me again. I am not ready to block him but I am remaining NC. Soon I will proceed with blocking him. Not sure why I can’t do that yet. Instead of responding to him, here is the email I wanted to send but am sharing with you all instead. NC still!
This is in response to his email stating he misses his friend and that he cares for me and that there is no hidden agenda in his email except to keep a promise (no clue what promise he is referring to). He always talked about a woman has to be the exception to motivate a man to want to commit to her. Coming from him it used to want to make me vomit.
N–
It has taken a couple of weeks for me to know how I wanted to reply.
First of all I am not your friend. People do not treat their friends the way you have treated me.
You do not care about me. What promise are you trying to keep? You are failing miserably at any promise that might hold meaning for me.
I am not going to list out what I mean by all this. Been communicated hundreds of times already.
You have hurt me over and over again. I am done caring about whether or not I hurt you.
I do not wish you any ill will as that is not how I live my Christ-like life.
You are right, there are women who are exceptions, and among all your women friends I am definitely the exception.
I clicked somewhere incorrectly and my post ended up under Susan’s post. I did not mean to do that
As always, your post really hit home with me. Growing up with an alcoholic mother, I have always been a perfectionist. How else would I ever hope to achieve being my ideal self? But since being discarded by my ex N (it will be two years in April) I have undergone a true metamorphosis. I now love and nurture myself by pursuing my graduate studies, eating healthy, staying active and spending time with people who love & respect me. Although I have dated some, I find myself pulling away if I feel the man is encroaching too much on my space. I talked with my therapist about it (fearing that my behavior reflected emotional unavailability), but she said that I was actually exercising healthy boundaries. At the age of 56, I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been on my life! I hope to someday have a healthy, intimate, loving relationship with the right man, but in the meantime, I’m enjoying having a healthy, intimate, loving relationship with myself.
Oh, and PS – I heard from my ex N last month for the first time in 18 months. He was in my new town on business & wanted to have dinner. I very kindly turned him down and told him I was in a relationship. What he didn’t know was that relationship was with myself!
Im learning sooo much from you!
Thank you.