I recently read Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages. In it, he lists what he believes are the ways people give and receive love and affection.
He says that some people need to receive ‘Words of Affirmation,’ such as, “I really appreciate you taking out the garbage, babe,”or, “You look beautiful in that dress.”
Other’s receive and express love by ‘Spending Quality Time Together.’ No kids, no phones, no laptops or movies, just spending time together sharing and talking.
Third is, ‘Receiving Gifts.’ Those little shows of endearment. They say, “I was thinking of you. You’re important to me.”
His fourth love language is, ‘Acts of Service,’ things like, when your partner puts gas in your car, or takes care of the bills.
Finally, he lists, ‘Physical Touch,’ as his fifth love language. Many people need that intimate touching to feel special and loved by their partners.
You’re Supposed to Know
It’s important for couples to learn about what makes each of them feel special and loved. But what happens when you aren’t able to communicate what you need to your partner?
Enter the Codependent. Codependents have a different way of communicating with their loved ones. I call it the, ‘If you love me, you’re already supposed to know what I need and if you don’t already know, by the 30 hints I’ve dropped, I’m not going to tell you,’ love language.
A healthy person, to get their needs met, they first have to be able to express what their needs are and they have an expectation that those needs will be met. A codependent expects their partner to already know what they want and are disappointed and even resentful when their partners haven’t picked up on the hints, clues and smoke signals they’ve left behind. They choose this option rather than stating directly what they want or need, because they are so good at reading people, they expect the same of others. They’ve also been taught to feel shame for having and expressing their needs, so it’s as though it’s been programmed right out of them.
Shame, guilt and manipulation are the languages of Codependency. They are the tools that they use to get their needs met. It’s easy to think of their partners, the emotional manipulators, as the perpetrators of abuse and to think of the codependent as the consummate victim, but this is what they know and indicative of their dysfunctional communication skills.
What they do is, they try to shame and guilt their partner by playing the perpetual victim, the martyr, who has put up with so much and shame on you, for not meeting their needs – even though they haven’t told you what they are. They’re hoping that their partner will see and acknowledge that there is an IOU in their emotional-currency bank account and they want a payout somewhere down the line.
The problem is, if you’re dealing with an emotional manipulator, they will never acknowledge that debt and that bank account will be in a continual deficit. On top of that, the Codependent’s constant displeasure will have their partner feeling like they can never get it right or make them happy and so instead of bringing their loved one closer, this behavior actually drives them further away.
A healthy person, dating a codependent, just won’t play that guessing game. They’re direct and have no problem expressing themselves and they generally don’t comprehend why someone would have trouble asking for what they want and they have no interest in never being able to make someone happy.
The Codependent, desperately wants to be loved and acknowledged by their partners, but they never tend to get what they want, because shaming and guilting just aren’t effective ways to get your needs met.
Resentment This Way
When we don’t see revenue coming in to our emotional bank accounts, we get resentful and that resentment expresses itself in passive aggressive behavior. We may say things like – “I was going to get you Laker tickets for your birthday, but considering the way things are, I didn’t bother. Statements like this imply victimhood with a dash of shame.
The jabs may become more vicious as time goes on, “Do you think you could pick up the kids and stay out of the pub, for once in your life?”
“Yeah you look nice all dressed up in that suit and shirt that I bought for you.”
When anger and resentment enter the scene, the relationship is in trouble. When you’ve got two people who don’t know how to communicate, one that is constantly thinking of others, the other constantly thinking of themselves, a huge deficit in the emotional bank account and both oblivious or in denial, dysfunction has entered the building.
The Queen Martyrdom
I remember always feeling hurt, let down and unappreciated. His nickname for me was Chi and I would walk around daily saying things like,“Poor Chi.” What I was trying to express to him was, “Look it’s all about you again. I’m being victimized again. You owe me.” But as usual – Message Not Received, because I didn’t know how to send the message. I was never taught. I had no role models to tell me that I deserved to have my needs met, nor did I have someone show me what healthy communication looked like
Codependents feel uncomfortably, comfortable being Martyrs. It’s what they know. The wounded child lashes out in its adult body, but lacks the emotional maturity and the coping skills to express themselves effectively.
Keys to Healthy Communication
- Awareness – Notice the dysfunctional communication patterns.
- Let Go of Fear – Say it. Just do it. What’s the worse that can happen? If you expressing your needs is too much for someone, then it wasn’t meant to be.
- Practice being Direct – Get in the habit of saying what you want and need – again and again. Let it become your habitual way of being.
- Raise Your Level of Expectation – Behavior/consequence. If your needs aren’t being met then take action. Don’t allow yourself to be mistreated. Don’t acclimate yourself to the abuse. Take action.
- Raise Your Self-Esteem – Know that you matter. Your needs matter. You’re important. Don’t waste your time with someone who you have to constantly remind of your value. If they can’t see it, hold out for someone who can.
Your Comment!!!!!!
Do you need to talk? Click here to find out how you can Skype with Savannah.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at freedigitalphotos.net
No one ever said it was easy but it IS necessary for survival. Hindsight it’s more difficult to stay with a narcissist then it is to leave one.
Thank you, I get a lot out of your blog.
Hello,
You all think it’s easy to leave a Narc but it’s not. When you have been a victim of Narc Abuse and Hoovering. They are so cunning, clever, and manipulative. They make you believe all their lies. They always snake their way back into your life. Even though you know that they are going to leave again, you accept them back. And after a couple of months of love bombing, they start to retreat…. (we know the pattern already: they are probably grooming someone else during this phase) and then Viola, they disappear.
You beat yourself and tell yourself “why did I allow him back into my life knowing he would leave again”?
No contact is the only way to win. Quit Cold Turkey.
I agree, a couple things that helped me not be the victim…CODA.org and SLAA.org. These programs let me see people who were doing the walking and talking in healthy ways, I gained new perspectives and role models QUICKLY!! I got a chance in SLAA to make new friendships and work on making mistakes and being in something where i was not just kicked out for not being perfect at healing. Hope it might be helpful for you. No contact is a beautiful thing but if anyone is struggling, white knuckling it…look up the programs.
This reminds me of something fairly insane my mother used to do. I used to think it was just typical of women or mothers, then years later I realized it was mostly just her; Clearly there would be something bothering her, maybe something I did or said? So as one does, I’d ask… “Is there something bothering you mom?” … “No I’m fine” The she’d start slamming drawers, doors, utensils. “Come on mom, what’s bothering you?” … “I told you I’m fine”… Then more continued slamming of things. On my 3rd try, I’d say… “Well I know something is bothering you, what is it?” I’d get a stern angry look, and would hear her 3rd response saying… “Well if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” After hearing this and realizing it was insanity, I’d quickly dismiss & ignore her. Of course this made her more angry realizing I wasn’t playing into her gimmick and quickly disengaged her. Then she would tell me what was bothering her, petty & sensless. I reasoned that her denials, silence, and slamming things were some type of punishment until after the 3rd try, I’d get the real answer. She used to do this with my father, them long since divorced, understanding why more as the years passed. Since long ago, if I experience insane comments or people, I quickly dismiss and disengage them, but may observe them from afar while having some pity for them. The 2nd insane thing she would do, something is bothering her, as one does you retrace your words but can’t remember anything you said would bother anybody. I’d struggle a while in this 2nd game of hers, then forget about it. When she knew that, then she’d repeat my so called offensive comment. I’d tell her that didn’t make any sense, and the sane part of her would realize it didn’t make any sense, but the insane part, the angry little girl in her would always come up with the same excuse for being offended at nothing, by saying… ready? … “It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it” !! That one I’ve experienced a few times in other women, but rare. Years later my mother got so much worse, I removed myself completely. And what a wonderful tool it is to now be able to quickly & completely remove toxic people forever from my life. I now live by the motto… “Disrespect and abuse me once, shame on you. Disrespect and abuse me twice, shame on me for giving you an opportunity to do it again” Most narcs, abusers, toxic ones, they don’t expect that instant disconnecting that I do. The last one, a way over friendly & helpful new ‘friend’ all of a sudden I get loud, haughty, arrogant, controlling & dictating behavior, I instantly disconnect, he is stunned and keeps calling for weeks, but I instantly blocked his phone & e-mail. (A blocked call does a half ring on my phone, how I know he kept trying to call) I later realize I was probably in a classic narc 3 phase system. First the love bombing phase, then he got into the first part of the manipulation phase (where I instantly blocked him denying him any more of that phase) and he was probably planning to enter the discard phase at some point, which he never got the chance to do and was probably driving him crazy, and why he continued trying to call me for weeks after. I’m a kind, generous & friendly person, but many mistake that as including weakness, and I understand why, but wrong in my case. My method may teach them something, maybe look for weaker targets, but it will never heal them, they’ll just move on to new targets. My, I started writing about my mother? Fun to write here thanks!
Thank you this confirmed I am finally not codependent in this relationship. I have met a man who’s right brained and able to clearly express his feelings to me and does. As a result of this and time, I am in a healthy equal relationship at last. No more playing these games for me! It was so reassuring to read this and realize I’m healed!
Love is a choice. Either believe your partner loves you and allow them to be themselves, or hit the road. Respect is not attempting to manipulate someone to behave the way you want. If you don’t like their behavior then leave. Don’t torture them or yourself. People change only when they want to, if at all. Love their flaws or leave and let them do the same. Try to live by the Golden Rule.