I recently received an email from a reader in Texas. I thought it might be helpful to share her experience with others, to see just how gradual and controlling a relationship with an abusive Narcissist can be. In so doing, I hope that many of you will see the similarities in your own relationships and take the necessary action before you lose yourself, like this reader did.
***
I met my narcissist Dave when I was 24. He was unlike anyone that I had ever been with. He was really smart and beautiful and so different in very strange ways. Although he was gorgeous, his mom was a doctor, so he was always praised by her, growing up, for his intelligence. He was a Cerebral Narcissist. Looking back there were raging, red flags, that should have been enough to have me running and screaming far, far, away from him, but hindsight is 20/20.
When we met, we worked for the same company. In the beginning he couldn’t get enough of me and he wanted to talk to me and be with me all the time. When we weren’t together, we were talking on the phone for hours and hours. He wanted to know everything about me. He couldn’t wait to show me his world and his interests. We would talk for hours and he would confide in me, telling me all about how abusive his father had been. How his father would tell him how useless he was and how day in day out he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. He said at the age of 5 he told his mother to leave him.
As I got to know him more, I discovered that he had a very peculiar relationship with his mother. I thought it was really strange, that a guy in his early 20’s would always be calling his mom, to tell her where he was and when he was coming home and would always say I love you mom. I thought it was sweet at first, but as our relationship progressed I began to see how unnatural and unhealthy their relationship was. It wasn’t sexual, but there was a weird dynamic. For her, he looked just like his father, (her deceased husband) and for him, she was a source of never ending Narcissistic Supply. She would always want to be with him, for instance, if we would get tickets to a rock concert his 56 year old mom would want to come, she would also be there on all of our vacations too. She would always buy him whatever he wanted and get him out of any financial scrapes he would get himself into. He could rack up $20,000 in credit card debt and all he had to do was ask and she would wipe it clean. This happened repeatedly. She always praised him, he was always so smart and he never did anything wrong. She would always refer to him as, “My big beautiful boy.”
When I first met him, he would talk about how he had no interest in sex, that he was a-sexual. We did eventually have sex and it was awful. For the next 10 years of my life I had awful, awful sex, which would eventually peter down to about once a month, if that. Although he was beautiful, he wasn’t sexy – not even remotely. He was very unemotional. There was no romance or closeness. No warmth or cuddling or intimacy of any kind – it was almost like everything was empty, that there was no heart or substance behind any of it. If we did cuddle in bed, it was usually me spooning him. We never kissed or hugged. We did call each other cute names, but that alone, does not a happy relationship make. Everything about him seemed robotic and unemotional.
He had other strange things too. He had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He was terrified of germs and of throwing up. He would wash his hands so much that they were always dry and scalely. He would pop Gravel pills and ginger supplements several times a day. He would explain to me that he hated losing control of his body. It was always on his mind and caused him a great deal of anxiety. He generally was an angry, moody person and would often say, “I hate everyone,” and he would constantly talk about how everyone was so stupid. He would call people mouth breathers, like they were brainless fools just taking up oxygen. He called all attractive women whores and had nothing but contempt for them.
He always had a swarm of women around him, but it was never sexual. He loved having, usually older women hanging around praising him thinking he was so brilliant. I never thought he would cheat on me because he was so uninterested in sex, but I was concerned because every time we were out with a group of friends he was always hanging off of any newcomers because he wanted their admiration and esteem. It did make me feel insecure, but despite my objections and concerns he kept doing it. He’d always have a good excuse though, he would say something like, “If I was in a group of strangers, I’d want someone to make me feel comfortable.”
As our relationship progressed, I learned quickly that it was all about him. We did what he wanted, vacationed when and where he wanted. He would spend money on his hobbies, without any concern for me, or whether or not we could afford it. Early on, he would quit jobs at the drop of hat if he wasn’t being admired, or he was feeling disrespected, even if we really needed the money. I can recall having a really good paying job that made me absolutely miserable. I had such anxiety about it, I would have full blown panic attacks and he wouldn’t care, he’d just say you can’t quit we need the money. He would never go where I wanted, he would never spend time with my family or friends, he had no interest in anything I had interest in.
Once he was done with a person he was done. He would cut you off without a thought, or a care and he would slew a string of curses, which often left me thinking how inappropriate and over-the-top that behavior was , based on what was actually done. I’ve come to learn that that’s called Narcissistic Injury, where there is a total over-reaction to any real or perceived threat to the narcissist’s alleged superiority.
It wasn’t long before I noticed some real changes in me and my life. He would often criticize me, my appearance, my interests, my friends and my family. Eventually he would drive all of my friends and most of my family away, leaving me completely isolated, without support and at his mercy. He always had to be in complete control. It was slow and deliberate and I didn’t notice it until I had no one left, not even my mother. He would experience a Narcissistic Injury and then he would verbally attack that person’s character, he would be relentless until I agreed and that person was no longer permitted to be part of our circle.
Nothing was about me and all of my needs and wants were about him and his needs and wants. I was miserable and before I knew it 10 years had gone by. He didn’t want children, so we didn’t have any. He didn’t believe in marriage, so we didn’t marry. My dreams were non- existent because I didn’t exist. Nothing about me mattered. It was like I was a shell of who I used to be. I was Dave’s girl and that was the extent of my identity. I later learned about co-dependency and that would describe me to a ‘T’. I had no identity of my own and I was completely enveloped and lost in my relationship with him and that’s how it had to be if I wanted to be with him.
It became a running joke just how selfish he could be. Our friends would laugh at his thoughtlessness, me too, what else could I do. I had always had an image of what my ideal man was and I knew Dave was far from it. It was always my hope that he would change. The thought of leaving never occurred to me, I had invested so much time and effort and also because who would I be if I wasn’t Dave’s girl? I would just continue to suffer and it seemed normal to me at this point. All of my family and friends hated him, that should have been a huge screaming red flag, but I was so lost in it, nothing else mattered, but him.
One summer many drastic things happened to me. I experienced the death of someone very dear to me. I lost my job and my health and I needed to lean on him. He became very distant and even more uncaring. I did begin to lose respect for him. My never ending admiration began to take the form of criticism and anger. All of these events evoked a kind of change in me and I wanted to focus on me and get myself in order. Then something happened that I never saw coming.
He came up to me on evening and he told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. To say I was stunned and devastated would have been putting it mildly. He swore up and down that there was no one else and I believed him. He said that he hadn’t been happy for a long time and that he should have left years ago. He minimized our whole relationship, he said people break up all the time and he couldn’t understand why I was so upset and emotional. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough. I’ll never forget looking into his eyes in such pain looking for something, anything that would show any kind of emotion, but there was nothing, they were completely dead.
A couple of weeks prior to this confession of his, we had been on vacation together. We had been intimate several times a day. There was no indication or anyway I could have seen this coming.
In a few months after our separation, I discovered that there was indeed someone else. A co-worker of his, who had been praising and adoring him for months and months. They would tell everyone that it was true love. She was married and she had two children. He hated children – he hated marriage, but within three months of leaving me she was pregnant with his baby and they were married and I never saw him again.
It took me about a year and a half of serious self work to lift myself out of the depression that ensued. The two most bone chilling parts of the whole experience were how easily he could shut himself off emotionally. How one minute we’re on vacation and being intimate and then as soon as we’re back he’s cold as ice. I learned that once he ‘devalued’ me as a source of supply I was easily discarded and replaced by a perceived better supply. I had spent months trying to win him back, but he had absolutely no interest. He had told everyone that there was no one else, I guess he had hoped to keep this woman a secret until enough time had passed, so he wouldn’t look like the bad guy. When I discovered her he said, “Are you trying to turn everyone against me?” I said, “I think you have done that yourself.” He blamed me for everything and would in no way take any responsibility for anything.
The second thing that so astounded me, was the ease at which I had handed over my power to this man. How easy it was for him to be in total control of me. I realized that I never would have left no matter how abusive it got for me, I would have stayed and taken more and more.
It’s been five years now since I’ve been away from him. I’ve done a lot of self work and come a long way. I’m so grateful to be free of him. In losing him I found myself and I will never again put myself in a situation where my needs aren’t being met and I have to chose between me and a relationship. Now it’s all about me.
***
While there are definitely differences in the duration of relationships between Narcissists, and differences in sexual interest between cerebral and somatic Narcissists, there are several things that remain constant. They all show varying degrees of the following:
- Lack empathy
- Exhibit selfish, controlling behaviour
- Have excessive need for admiration and attention
- Have a perceived sense of superiority and entitlement
- Exhibit unemotional and robotic behaviour
- Believe that they are special and unique
- Take advantage of others for their own gain
- Have fantasies about success and power and romantic love
As our reader points out at the start of her relationship she was a different person and had her Narcissist presented himself truthfully from the start, she never would have engaged further, but their control and manipulation is often gradual and easily justified. And once you are in the grips of a relationship with a Narcissist it is almost impossible break free, until of course they discard you. Had she decided to leave she would have been hounded relentlessly, but when you have been discarded the abrupt, unemotional and callous way in which you are left is utterly mind boggling.
There was a silver line though, as a reader says, “In losing him, I found myself,” but we’ll continue with more on that theme in part 2.
Your thoughts!!!!
I am dealing with the same issue with my wife.
Had a great relationship but it was almost always about her.
We have two kids together 5 and 7 and she’s ready to move on saying she loves the kids. And I can stay in the house but she will go out have affairs and come back.
It’s not a problem if we sleep in the same bed but no intimacy.
On and off she’s cold towards me.
These “people” are really monsters walking among us. Its hard to believe that they are actually human. They will use, lie, cheat and manipulate as many people as they possibly can. Its a sport for them I believe. And they get real charges off of ruining lives and destroying people. I left a narc and unfortunately I share a child with the maniac. Pray for me!
Today is 1 year since he left me in pieces.
1 year of learning and reading and finally being able to have been doubtfully abused by a sociopath narc.
The mother. The impact of this women who had not protected him from his abusive stepfather. This little sensitive boy fearful of that monster, he could not go to the sole person that should have protected him.
She also gave him away for an entire summer at the age of 7.
Fast forward, he is now mid 40.
His sister, an alcoholic drug addict commits suicide. In his mind, it’s not of course the brutal childhood because his sick mother could do no wrong. Same year, the mother gets drunk and calls him at work telling him that indeed, the person he believed being his father was not. She cheated with some guy and got pregnant.
She kept the secret for 45 years to everybody and decided one day to give my husband a call.
Of course, this mommy thirty boy believes that that event made them closer.
Well now, her remorse in old age turned über into the mother of the year, where he could do no wrong and us women are all bad.
He had 3 wives and cheated on all of them.
My details are similar to many other so I won’t bother with them.
No matter what anybody says, I do not believe having been a victim of such a horrible mentally ill person any of us can be ever be free of the permanent damage they did. It will resurface because the scars left are too deep.
I can relate so much to this story. Her ex and my ex could be brothers. Isn’t it funny how all narcissists follow the same pattern? They seem so nice at first, but once the mask drops, they turn out to be monsters. I married a man who I thought was a Christian. That’s what he stated to me. He claimed to love the Lord and wanted the same things I wanted in life. He seemed so nice and unsuspecting. I thought he was such an amazing man. Once we married, the nice guy was no more. All I saw was a selfish person. My ex CONSTANTLY talked about himself. Constantly. He talked about himself for hours, and he would never turn the subject towards me. When I attempted to do so, he would bring it back to himself. When I needed to talk to him for support on certain things, he never listened. He never showed empathy. I thought this was strange because normal people care about someone they love (obviously). He lacked that. He was completely consumed with himself.
It didn’t take long for me to realize the origin of this mindset: his mother. His mother is the most neurotic person I have ever met. Period. Bar none. If you could wrap jealous, manipulative, controlling, bossy, entitled, selfish, busybody, and evil into one person, it would be her. She was the most controlling person I have ever met (and believe me, I have met some). She was OBSESSED with her children. Her whole life revolved around them, even though they were grown, married, and one with a family of her own. She wanted to be a part of everything. She always had to be in control. She was the head honcho in the family. Clearly her husband had no say. She would often berate him and humiliate him in front of me. She treated my 37 year old ex like a child. 37, and his mom still did everything for him. She bought him cream when he ran out of cream. She wanted to take the cat to the vet when we got a cat. When his car broke down, who was the first person he called? Her. She had keys to our house (creepy). Her name was on his life insurance policy. The list can go on and on. From the start, I felt like I was unable to breathe. She was intrusive, meddlesome, and HAD to be the center of attention. She controlled the whole wedding, and when the wedding was over, she walked out alongside my husband and I, talking to my husband. Even then she wouldn’t leave us alone. I had it when I found out that she had looked through my purse and taken something out of my purse without asking. Who does that? When someone clearly has no respect for your boundaries, that means they have no respect for YOU. I confronted my husband with his mother’s behavior and he refused to do anything. He claimed I was making a big deal out of it and that she was never going to change. She had always been that way, AKA, she was spoiled rotten and is used to feeling entitled. She’s a bully and gets her way by manipulation. He then blamed me. Truth is, his mother chopped off his balls a long time ago. He has none. That’s why he couldn’t stand up to his mother.
At a later date he claimed he did speak with his mother. Months later, I found out that he never did. Lie after lie after lie. And the lies kept coming.
I had the unfortunate experience of discovering he was an alcoholic. He had never told me this beforehand. He would get fully drunk on Fridays and into the weekend. It was a horrible experience. I was beside myself with what to do. He would fall around drunk, hitting his head on things, vomiting, and almost walked out the door with no clothes on. I was completely beside myself. I was a stay at home wife and we lived in the middle of nowhere. I had no support there. I felt VERY alone. He would leave the house for hours sometimes, and I had no idea where he was. If he was drunk, if he was cheating. I had no clue. Obviously, it did nothing to help our marriage. It only eroded the trust I had for him.
One day I got a series of texts from his brother, Jarrod. He began meddling and asking why there were problems in my marriage. I told him to back off, and he didn’t. Instead of leaving it alone a normal person would, he continued to press me for more information. I again repeated my request for him to leave it alone. He STILL wouldn’t listen. He then told me GOD had sent him to fix my marriage. He said he felt a calling from God to do so. I sat back in my chair in disbelief. I don’t think I ever met a person more delusional than that. Hours later, I received a nasty text message from his wife Amanda attackng my character. She said, “Greg has told us everything. You’re a horrible dirty wife. Whenever your husband wants to talk badly about you or your marriage, he is free and welcome to do so.” I was stunned. I felt like someone stabbed me in the chest. I let out a huge cry. I really don’t remember feeling that much pain or that betrayed before. I knew right then and there that my husband had thrown me under the best and blackened my name to his family.
When I finally confronted him, he simply said, “So what? I know you hate my family.” He didn’t care at all. What kind of man allows ANYONE to disrespect his wife like that? My apologies. We’re talking about a child here, not a man.
Well, that basically did it in. That put the nail in the coffin of our so-called marriage. I felt like I was literally losing my mind there, so I left. I came back shortly later to try to rescue the marriage. Bad mistake. His drinking became even worse, and he never wanted to address the horrible treatment I received from his family. I left again.
When I left for the second time, I was in a mix of emotions. I knew it was unhealthy, but I still wanted to salvage the marriage. I had made a vow to God, so why was I going to give up? He had no such feelings. When I called him up for the first time upon returning, with almost glee in his voice, he told me how he had shipped all my stuff back and scheduled a meeting with a divorce attorney. I begged him to reconsider, but he was cold as ice. No emotion at all. I remember having the distinct feeling that he was off to ‘better’ things rather fast. Rather immediately. More like things were going on behind my back long before that I wasn’t aware of. In his mind, I insulted the King. How dare I? I needed to be banished.
It took me months to sort all of this out in my head. I spoke with so many people about it and did so much research. The words that kept popping up were sociopath and narcissist. He was so unsuspecting, seemed so normal, but put me through utter havoc, and then dumped me like a piece of trash. The last time I spoke to him, it was as if I was speaking to a robot. He had NO emotion in his voice. It was if I was a total stranger and we weren’t ever married. It scared me as I thought, “What kind of person is this?
My ex has no conscience. He has never apologized to me, nor do I expect him to. I am sure he considers himself to be a victim. Just like the way he presented himself to be when talking about his first wife. He claimed she was a psycho, crazy, wasn’t wired correctly, and a lesbian. Funny, what is he calling me now? I found out he was actually with is ex after I left. She posted pictures of our dog when it died all over her Facebook, and also posted pictures of her riding in his truck on a trip to Tennessee. Hmm, that sounds like triangulation.I could go on and on about this nuthead and the hell he put me through. But the more time passes, the more I can say, “Thank God I got out of this.” My life is SO much better now. Him? He’ll always be a loser. I may have loved and lost, but the fact that I can love spells good things for my future. Him? He’s selfish, and selfish people will end up alone.
God is real and I am SURE he will punish him and his family for the hell they put me through.
This sociopath is Greg Freeman from Ruthven, Ontario.
That’s an amazing story. I hope you are well now.
I have known this guy for almost 50 years. We were in “love” when we were 19 and I had been married for almost a year with a baby. He hung around us most of the time and we actually went out together as my “husband” was running around on me. (another narcissist as I have only of late realized.) Although we came close, “it” never happened between us. He went off and made his way in the world. He married less than a year after leaving and then came home and brought his new wife to meet me. I have always wondered about that. He kept in touch with me these past 48 years and would call me occasionally and say things like we are going to be together one day. I thought he was kidding. Some years ago he would contact me every year and try to get me to meet with him in his hometown. I would laugh thinking it was just an old friend get together. About 2 years ago, I agreed and then changed my mind. He started texting and messaging me about how he had always loved me and just decided he wanted me in his life again so we could spend the rest of our lives together when he retired next year. We saw each other for the first time in decades and it was like coming home. I felt so comfortable with him. i thought he was further along with his separation (still married to same woman. He kept saying it would be when he retired. I had been faithful to two husbands for 50 years. I never would have done this with a stranger. I although very lonely and estranged from my second husband did not seek out an outside relationship.I just knew it was wrong. But this guy was no stranger, so I thought. I also started noticing him putting likes on facebook posts of a younger woman who had been hired in his office. She is 39. I noticed she was posting things that I knew he liked. I confronted him and he lied. I asked him if he had found someone else and was moving on. He lied! I no longer have any contact with him. They are a big item together now. He is still married. She even posted a picture of them in bed together although I couldn’t see but a small portion of his cheek, I knew it was him. I let him know I saw it so he would know, I knew he was lying about the relationship. The thing that hurts the most is that he told me early on that he thought about marrying a younger woman and starting another family. I told him if that was what made him happy then why not. That was before he got me to fall in love with him again which he said was his purpose. I competed with other women in my first marriage. I will not compete with another for any man. I know I will get over this, it is just so hard to believe someone I have known and admired and respected is not the man I believed him to be and that anyone could be so cruel!!
“Nothing was about me and all of my needs and wants were about him and his needs and wants”. Perfect description of every aspect of a relationship with a narc. Nothing was ever enough. And since nothing was ever enough for him, my entire life became trying to keep the peace and not lose him. He had me convinced that I would never be able to keep him because I was so inadequate. He is very sexual, but there was not an ounce of affection with the sex, it was all about his pleasure. On top of us both having full time jobs, I was helping him build a side business. Long hours, never a day off, taking time off of work to do things for the business because (according to him) it was easier for me to take off than him, spending 10s of thousands of my dollars for the business (compared to a few thousand from him).
And he cheated. Which led to having to change all of the locks on the house (paid for by me), mail being stolen, odds and ends missing out of the house, and other happenings that led to serious issues of not feeling safe in my own home. He said he cheated and it was my fault because I wasn’t doing enough to keep him pleased. Later he denied cheating, and said it was all my imagination and needed to get over it, and he knew I had had been seeing other guys all along. I never cheated on him, I was too physically and mentally exhausted from trying to keep him happy, and I would never cheat on somebody when I’m in a relationship. He told me that not feeling safe and secure in my own home was an over reaction. Even though the other woman had told a mutual acquaintance that she had been to my house.
If I didn’t react appropriately to a “joke” or text or comment, he would say that he will just find someone else who doesn’t overreact and who is more fun and easy to get along with. All forms of communication from him stopped at those times, except the demands and insults. The last time he made that threat and cut me off, I decided it was time to start planning my exit out of the relationship. He is not one to leave a relationship. His history was to sabotage a relationship with blatant infidelity and his other craziness and get kicked out. After 2.5 years, and him telling me he had no intentions of ever leaving, I had to decide if I was going to spend the rest of my life like this or quit this relationship forever. It took me 2 months to decide it had to be over. When I quit begging (begging takes on many forms in a relationship with a narc) for his attention and approval the verbal attacks and emotional and physical withdrawal become very extreme. I packed his clothes into boxes, put them on the driveway and texted him that he couldn’t come back. I had checked with an attorney to make sure everything I was doing was legal, and it was. He accused me of breaking the law, said he never trusted me anyway, he was going to leave as soon as his finances were better, this proved I’m the evil person he knew I was all along, etc… When I wouldn’t respond to the texts and calls, he changed tactics. Thanking me for all I did for him, he’s a much better person because of me (What???), and wished there was a way to get over this bump in the road. I still haven’t responded to him. I still have nagging thoughts of “what if I had…”. Thankfully I have very dear friends who talk me through these times and encourage me to keep going in the right direction, which is away from him forever.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I experienced a very similar experience… married to a cerebral narcissist for five years (together for 11 total). For some reason I find myself attracted to this type again, however. I divorced my ex three years ago… I left due to the lack of intimacy and his aloofness. He lost his charm in my eyes and I was sick of feeling alone. I think my having a daughter (that he was unhappy about at first) helped. I didn’t want her to follow my example. My problem is that I have now “fallen” for another that exhibits these same traits. I see all of the red flags but I can’t seem to pull back. He is handsome, smart (with holes in his logic), attentive yet also aloof. He has already exhibited the controlling signs of silent treatment when I go against him, subtle criticism, etc. Why I am I attracted to this type?? I see it and don’t want it, logically, yet I am drawn to him and tolerate his behavior. Does anyone else repeat this pattern if behavior?
Me!!! Me Me Me!!! I do the same!
Good news is that you are very well aware of it and that’s like having the problem almost solved.
The thing is we -human beings- choose relationships based on familiarity. My thing was trying to convince my father to love me and that’s what I look for in a romantic relationship. I go in wanting to behave that way. Trying to convince the man to love me or to stay with me and maybe I “get it right” this time.
If a man really loved me I wouldn’t know how to behave because I’ve never felt that. Or I’ve never been in a relationship like that. It’s not familiar to me, it’s scary. That’s why I choose the one that doesn’t want me, because I know how to behave.
So yeah, that’s why… I know it’s a couple of years late but maybe it still helps! 🙂
All the best! <3
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I experienced a very similar experience… married to a cerebral narcissist for five years (together for 11 total). For some reason I find myself attracted to this type again, however. I divorced my ex three years ago… when left due to the lack of intimacy and aloofness. He lost his charm in my eyes and I am as sick of feeling alone. I think my having a daughter (that he was unhappy about at first) helped. I didn’t want her to follow my example. My problem is that I have now “fallen” for another that exhibits these same traits. I see all of the red flags but I can’t seem to pull back. He is handsome, smart (with holes in his logic), attentive yet also aloof. He has already exhibited the controlling signs of silent treatment when I go against him. Subtle criticism. Etc. why I am I attracted to this type?? I see it and don’t want it logically yet I am drawn to him and tolerate his behavior. Does anyone else repeat this pattern if behavior?
It’s been almost 3 years since the divorce from my narc. Getting over your own denial is a really debilitating part of the process. The first 2 years were awful. Though he was technically done, he didn’t want the “the picture of the family” to blowup. A classic cake eater. I also do believe he didn’t really want to be in a position to be available to marry the woman he was having an affair with. Angry calls, constant harassing, and long drawn out litigious crap designed to make me feel like I wasn’t a good mother or entitled to anything, brought me to the brink a few times. Fortunately, I had family support and a good therapist to help me with the depression and PTSD I was dealing with. Lean on the people you trust and know that it will absolutely get better. Nothing is funny or joyous when you are suffering, but you will laugh again. Be relieved that you dodged the bullet because you did. It may not feel that way now, but change for these types is almost impossible and you will be settling for crumbs waiting for it to happen. If you look in the mirror and do not recognize yourself, it’s time to get out.
Oh my god I’ve been looking for answers for the last 2yrs as to what the hell happened and this is my story
My ex narcissist did almost the same to me. Dumped me after an almost 10 year marriage. Was never around for me or our 2 kids and now is playing the perfect partner for his new supply. I know why I choose him, my mother and sister are both narcissists. We choose our childhood pain. If he didn’t leave me I would have never left either. I thought it was true love and I came from a broken home. i would have done anything so my kids didn’t have to grow up in a broken home. Although we don’t currently have the house and stuff he has. My kids are happy, well adjusted and above all unconditionally LOVED.. Something he never got as a child. By the way he is the Golden child in his family. I begged his family to help me to get him to change. But they were enablers and in doing so would have possibly hurt that relationship. On a good note. His real dad has always loved me and knows who I am and how I treat people and refuses to relinquish that relationship. One day at a time. I can’t say it still doesn’t hurt daily (5 years divorced) but I a often thankful I am not criticized and hurt anymore or my kids either. By the way… Really wish the law and courts helped more in situations with narcissists. Feel like he got away with everything and no one cared.
Shit. Where do I even begin? A lot of this (not all) mirrored the relationship I just got out of (16 days now) so much that it’s scary. He, like Dave, must’ve noticed my change. A year before the end, he made a huge decision regarding his career and didn’t really consult me. After years of saying that everything he did was for ‘us’, I expected some respect regarding leaving the country for a bit. I think I fell out of love, and fell into a depression with bad anxiety and hypochondria. I started seeing a counselor, noticing our distancing starting around April of this year. We had a ‘talk’ where I told him I wasn’t happy and wanted us to work on appreciating the other more. He had cut off almost all sex by this point. He agreed to work on us and our relationship. Two weeks later, after his mom visited for a week (“my sweet boooooy”), he dumped me. He didn’t think we went good together. I don’t have the values to raise his kids. I was in shock. Disbelief. Heartbroken. I left and moved back in with family 2200 miles away. It’s been 16 days, and all I want is to be with him again. My new therapist labeled him based on stories I would tell her. Basically, she says he is a depressed narcissist, an addict, immature, and possibly bipolar due to his rage.
I just wanna know if it gets better. He posted some shit on Instagram (cleaning out his closet and putting posters up where mine were just two weeks ago) just to hurt me. This social media shit makes everything harder. I know his MO, but I also know he is capable of more emotion that what I’ve been reading about the textbook narcissist. He CAN feel, and he can regret. I’ve seen it when he didn’t know I was watching. He has a lot of inner turmoil swimming inside of him, you can feel it.
I was his third long term in 10 years. First was four, then he took a short break. Then two, then another short break. Then me, who managed managed to last just over three years. He told his mom I was the one he was going to marry after about 5 months of dating. She loved me. Paid for a super expensive vacation for me three years in a row. I’m in the family photos. I’m there. And I know deep down he will feel it.
It was almost as if he was just going through the motions. He just needed someone there. I also believe that he doesn’t even know what he wants. His pain must be awful. My strong empathy is always feeling sorry for him, even though he left me in the coldest manner possible. Weird thing, he gave me money to help me move since it was so ‘sudden’. I don’t understand him and I don’t think I ever will.
I was with a younger lady for several years. I saw signs, but thought they were nothing. 12 weeks ago i called to meet her before she went to work. She said she was late, she couldnt meet. I decided to go anyway. I had a rose, a card and a diamond. She didnt show up at work. I called, she became enraged and said, “I dont want to see you anymore”. The weekend before i threw out a steak dinner that she didnt show up for. I was clueless. I am in counseling now. I still try to talk to her. She claims that there have been no dates, no men. It is hard to believe. The counselor says she is not truthful. I am older, been married and have never felt the emotional and physical pain that this woman has left me with. And by the way, she has never appologized.
It’s amazing how alike all of these testimonies are. I am in awe of how a human being can be so deceitful, selfish, and backstabbing. Emotional vampires is a better word to describe them. We are not and will not be broken. Out of the greatest storms comes the most beautiful days. We are loved by a living God, He calls us His princesses His queens. His thoughts about us are like the grains of sand on the sea shore. He calls us His beloved. Wow, we are loved by the maker of life. No weapon formed against us will prosper. We shall grow from the Strom’s that hit us hard but like the palm tree we bend twist and turn and once the storm passes we rise again, stronger than ever. Have faith, I am currently going through it for the second and last time in Jesus name! He is for you, not against you. He is helping me through this and I know that He will help you to if you just have faith, believe and trust, pray( pray pray pray) read the Bible and let go and let God. Much blessings, it is not the end! It’s only the beginning of a new you.
I read these awful stories about how you and I have been treated and it’s so hard to believe they all follow the same pattern.
It’s been 2yrs now since my discard and like all of you the first 12 months was amazing but yes those red flags were present. Like you I chose to ignore them instead of recognising them as warning signs..
The odd raging moment then suddenly he would melt me with endless boquets of flowers or endless presents or holidays (of which I have to mention only 2 of our holidays in 10yrs were without his mother).
My two years out of this relationship has allowed me to read and learn what we’ve all been through and it was an awful journey but I can now see the light.
Sex was fantastic at the start but then it became boring with him as it was only about pleasing him, he had no love to give, preferred anal or masturbation to wanting to be close to me. The endless requests for me to send him naked photos….
The head spinning, endless requests from him and once you did what was asked the bar was raised higher until you could climb no more and he could push you to your limits.
The tears I cried for him as I loved him for who he was not who he pretended to be but did I as he was just an empty shell of nothing.
I now recognise what the constant cuts on his arms were now, they weren’t accidents he is such a mess he has to harm himself, I wonder if he still does that now… The mood swings of highs where we would go to the most amazing places together, then the lows where he would sit in depression with his head in his hands then came the evil texts and calls, I replay them and I wonder why I didn’t walk away years ago instead of letting him take years of my life..
The days he booked spa breaks for me then cancelled at last minute or would buy me beautiful gifts for my birthday or Xmas then cause an argument and demand everything to be returned. The days I had to leg it to the gym after his call so I could squeeze in a work out before his next call and I was scared to be caught as I would get the rage of his tongue and him calling me a liar or a cheat and then the silent treatment for days after..
We returned from our last romantic holiday (again with his mother) July 2014 and that’s the last time I saw him. It was full of I love you …… So I never thought he would drop me and walk away, like you I didn’t expect it or see it coming…
He stalks me still on whatsapp and he’s messaged me at times but always sticks to his story that he never trusted me and knew we wouldn’t work and he tried so many times to end us but it was me who kept pulling him back, this time he didn’t want to be pulled back. Although the holiday was after his last discard so I wasn’t expecting to be wisked off only to be discarded in the worst possible way for the last time..
I know I was the best person in his life but luckily I was saved and one of the lucky ones..
He didn’t manage to get his hands on anything of mine although he tried I was too many steps ahead of him and in my final year with him had learnt a little about his character. I think he knew that I had a good idea on what and who he was and had stopped thinking he was wonderful 12 months before the discard. That break up still left me broken crying on the floor and barely wanting to get up and dressed each day but somehow I got through it..
I recognise now the part his mother played in all this as I now see he told her everything and I believe there is some kind of incest in their relationship.. His two boys are scared to out a foot wrong around him and everyone has to worship him or be saying what a great bloke he is as he would even tell you he was himself…
The day I forgave him for what he did my life changed as it allowed me to move on. In doing so I recognised perhaps why I attracted him and spent 2yrs healing myself and this website helped me in my darkest days..
Read and learn and then put it behind you, you have to ensue these creatures have won and you deserve so much more than to let me take your life from you.
You will be in a better place long before they are as they can’t control who or what they are and without you and all the others who get attracted to them they are nothing…
I am in a really good place now, I made a fresh start, sunk myself into my job and made a success at it and have made so many amazing people a long the way.. I still have a fair way to go but I am making progress. I don’t have a new partner yet but I learning about me and what my needs are and ME didn’t know what I liked to wear, to eat or what made me happy but by putting your guard up and saying no a few times and being a pushover you learn about who you are…
Keep picking yourself up and have a focus like a hobby or some sport and I promise you that you will find yourself again…. Take care everyone stay strong and believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel… I’m almost there… X
I’m three weeks out of a three year on again off again np. I couldn’t see the Forrest for the trees. He has a mom that is very close to him which is narcistic also. I suffered from depression while in it and couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong and had a lot of self blame because I couldn’t understand why people would treat other people that way. He bought me a engagement ring and we were going to get married last month but I couldn’t see myself hurting everyday this way. I adored him and did anything for him. He never told me when dinner was good. He never told me I looked good. He was just all about himself. My friends called him dr jeckle and mr Hyde. They watched what I went thru and stayed close to me. We broke up two weeks before the wedding. Then we went back together. I had surgery and he decided he needed time alone. He would make plans for something with me and cancel the last minute. I cried for weeks until I was told what he had and it wasn’t my fault. I’m so much better off now and I actually feel like I am good enough. Good luck on your journey back to yourself. It’s not a easy return but well with the trip. Love and hugs while you travel
I have recently understood that I’m a narcissist. I’m trying to get all the help I can from all the scientific articles I’ve been finding, but personal stories written by narcissists’ victims are helping me much more than anything else. I’m starting to understand that even my tendency to easily forgive and forget something offensive or bad someone has done to me is not a sign of a generous nature, as I always thought it was, but of the aloofness of whom anyone can’t really hurt because he (I) really doesn’t (don’t) care.
I probably shouldn’t be writting this, because this can give some people the wrong idea narcissists can notice what is wrong with them and be completely cured.
I desperately want to believe this to be true, but, from the little I’ve already read, I’ve come to the conclusion that a complete cure is improbable or even impossible. My hope is to become a more functional narcissist that is constantly aware and vigilant of his own narcissism.
I have seen some good results in the last three to four weeks. I’ve been helping my wife and spending more time with my daughter. Both have noticed the change.
But the scariest thing is that it still is extremely difficult to me not to be thinking about me, my needs, desires and dreams, although I’ve already understood that this self-centering is in the root of the strong sensation of emptiness that has been accompanying me for a long, long time.
There is a desert within me and I know that I’ve never really loved anyone to the point of putting someone’s needs ahead of mine.
Anyway, do not let yourself to be fooled by the apparent self-knowledge some narcissists as myself have of their own condition: only a professional therapist can help people like is, and even for them it’s difficult to do so.
Stay as far away from a narcissist as you can, but, if you insist on enganging in a relationship with one or can’t avoid it, because you have a narcissist adult child with whom you would never cut contact, I give you this piece of advice: do not compliment a narcissist, even when it’s justifiable.
It’s so amazing to me that after 12 years of marriage I finally been able to put a finger on what I was dealing with I want all these responses are exactly what I dealt with for that long someone who is entitled and can put on the best Act for whoever is around the spouse of the narc feel so isolated because we are the only ones that are being victimized or so it feels that way I’m just so scared for my almost three-year-old daughter and really hope that it doesn’t come down to him having an actual disorder and us having to go 2 quart to figure out custody he seems like such a good father but it’s just like when we first started dating he was the most amazing boyfriend but it’s slowly changed and I could never put a finger on it until one day someone after I had already left him showed me what he was and is so I hope he doesn’t do the same to our daughter
I was with my narcissist for 20 years, married 13. I thought he was the most honorable man of integrity, morals, and substance. He is gorgeous, was a professional quarterback and lived a charmed life. When he had an affair and got the woman pregnant, he waited until two weeks before the baby was born to tell me. When he did, it was cold and cruel–almost as though this woman set him up and he deserved my sympathy. I didn’t even have a chance to process this before he was telling me our marriage was over. I was his biggest cheerleader, and I realize now that I fed the dragon. He made half a million a year, drove a $100,000 car, had a golf-club membership and frequented the best resorts. I am a teacher, animal advocate, and I run a charity. I don’t wear Prada or carry a Louis Vuitton bag, and this always made me feel insecure because he always dressed in expensive suits and looked like perfection. I always told him how perfect he was. Once the affair came out, he dumped me. Cold. Like I never existed. Walked away, bought a $10,000 watch, started going to the trendiest places in NYC, and it left me in a trail of devastation that I am still dealing with. He’s manipulated the whole divorce, taken as much as he can from me, hid money, refused financial support (he doesn’t even acknowledge his son– call him the child of a cesspool whore.) His relationship with his mother has always been oddly close. He desperately needs her admiration and approval. She has never missed a day of church but is one of the coldest people I know. The day I found out about the baby, I called her to cry. She basically told me I deserved it and never spoke to me again. It is a long and painful road that has left me feeling crazy, paranoid, and imprisoned. It has been a year since my world was turned upside down, but his behavior explains why, for the prior year during the affair, he was extra cruel, punishing, and critical of me. It was a way to shift responsibility and justify his sins. I’ve been in therapy twice a week for a year and am realizing I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. One that slowly eroded my sense of self and left me feeling shameful and to blame for all that was wrong and empty in our marriage. While I am still broken-hearted, I know that I am finally free…
I am currently in a relationship that for the life of me i couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on. After reading this and other articles about NPD and relationships I realized I was in one. Our relationship started out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had, he was so loving, caring. It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Then i started to notice this change and of course it was my fault, but he fills his life with random women on facebook that boost his ego, and each time I say anything about this he states that I’m jealous and have insecurity issues, but when i ask the question what if this was opposite, it was me with random men boost my ego! By asking or bring up his faults just makes Matters worst, it’s like his life is his life and my life is his life. I keep telling myself I love him and I think of how he was when we first met and I try to figure out what happen, but after reading this and another article, it’s not me, it’s him he is a huge Narcissists, and i need to stop thinking is me with problem and its him.
Is there a book i can read to help me get my self esteem back after a relationship like this?
Thanks
Loved and Lost
This is my life for the most part. I didn’t realize what I had been dealing with for the last 3 years and I’ve suffered and cried daily as a result. Now, I’m angry at my self for letting this sexy man control me like he DID. I’m also now empowered. Thank you for sharing
Guys, this is crazy. I cant belive this behaviour. I mean, porn addiction goes with this ?
Wooow. It feels like something is stepping these people too far. What force is driving peolpe to this ?
Why so many, why the same pattern. And why the hell in every country?!
Ladies and gentle men, maybe its time to step up. Do we deserve to even leave these people in the dark ?
Wow my life cut all 4 of my children off and me feel like I’m going mad really need some help with this x
When I first started dating my ex boyfriend I had no idea he was a Narcissist. I had just seperated from my ex husband a couple months prior to the first time I saw him outside of our mutual workplace. He had seen me cry over my ex husband and knew I was vulnerable. Over a short period of time we started dating but it was always on his terms and at his house. He would call me constantly on my cell phone and if I didn’t answer he’d call the work number . He wanted to know what I was doing 24 /7 . But he didn’t care about me and I had a job to be done. Throughout the years we were in a relationship he would expect me to be at his beck and call , to push aside responsibilities whether it was my children or other family members , my job , my life aside from him. I finally realized it’s all about him and I was just a bystander in his life. I grew tired of the verbal and mental abuse , the feelings of inadequacy , the excuses for what he said and did to me. There are so many things that I’d endured in our relationship which anyone who had or has a relationship with a Narcissistic person will understand. If I knew then what I know now I’d have ran a long time ago ! For those who have been struggling on if you should leave or stay with a narcissistic person RUN as fast as you can !!! It’ll save you from anymore heartache and you’ll be happier than you may have thought possible. I’ve grown stronger each day and I’m NEVER going back !
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so amazed at all the good information out there concerning Narcissist. I too am a victim of this kind of man and as I was reading your story it was almost like I had wrote it. I was married to a verbally abusive alcoholic for 34 years. So many times I took my kids and left him in hopes of it changing him. It never did. The last 5 years I have been seperated from him, raising my grandson and living with my mother. Being a 52 year old and not having a life was very lonely. I had basically swore off men and was going to live out my life alone. Lo and behold this man who I had known from a distance that was a facebook friend and a cousin to a few of my friends set me a fb message. I was shocked and a bit afraid. He said he found me on a dating site and sent me the snapshot of it. I had signed up on that dating site many years ago but because it wanted a fee I had declined and never used it. I was to cautious anyway. I became more comfortable with the idea and finally let him text then call me. It was like magic and I thought he was an angel from God. hahaha… He works off a month at a time and when he isnt to busy he can stay on the phone. So he called me continuously and we texted all the time. He liked everything I liked and hated everything I hated. His words were smooth and beautiful. He told me he loved me almost from the start and I really did fall in love with him. I coudnt wait for him to come home. I was raising my grandson as I mentioned and this man said he would take care of me and my grandson. So much love, I was overwhelmed but loved it. When he came home I stayed with him a couple of nights but there was not sex. He claimed he had to get to know me really well and I had already told him thats what I had wanted. But for a man not to at least try was a little disturbing and wierd. No sex the whole weekend and we slept together never touching the other in that way. In fact he was a bit touchless. That monday a carpenter friend of his came to build cabinets. He was from out of town so he had to stay a few nights with us along with my grandson and his two grandchildren. He was ugly to my grandson from the start like he couldnt stand him. That should have been my que. But then I seen that he spoke to his grandson in a similar way, but not his granddaughter. He said i needed to whip my grandsons ass and I had spoiled him and let him do what he wanted. My grandson is 8 for which I have had him since birth. He is a boy and a very good kid.
At this time my daughter had began taking her responsibility and wanted to keep her son, my son.. It was hard to let him go but I managed for her and for my new relationship. They are only 30 minutes away so its not to bad.
I had heard about al the many women this N had and I thought I was the one that he was looking for, the one to settle him down. Well thats what he told me. He talked about everything to me. He seemed to especially like telling me about all the woman he had and where they would go and what they did together. Some stories where a bit explicit and I wont go into detail. I will say I hated that shit and after a few months of that torture I told him I did not want to hear about it anymore, he was my man and I dont want to hear about how he was screwing a married woman, grudgef****** a woman, having one to stick her tongue down his throat, ect ect ect…. When I told him this and i wanted it stopped he kinda started shutting down and hardly talked to me anymore. He used to have plenty to say without telling me all that crap but now there was barely anything.
About the second month I was helping him with a fence for our garden, a big 8 ft fence. I really cannot remember what the arguement was about but he cussed me and made me so mad I cried. I walked out into the woods behind his house without saying a word. I have always walked out in the woods but these were unfamiliar to me. I got lost without my phone for 4 hrs. I kept praying and fianlly found my way out by listening for traffic on the nearby hwy. The sun was nonexistent that day so I didnt know north from south. When I got back here he was smug and didnt ask was i ok or anything, just scolded me about going off and getting lost. Later he came to my face and cursed me like Ive never been because he had to to the effing fence alone and I ran off.. He never apologized. But a few days later he kinda mentioned it and said he wouldnt do that again. Amd he hasnt.
His house was his grandmothers/mothers old house and it is in the construction process. Being how I am I wanted to help him complete a lot of stuff he had started and not finished. Oh by this time about 3 months later he talked me into moving in with him with the promise of taking care of me and marriage. He even gave me an engagement ring but called it an eternity ring. Its a $2000 engagement ring, I found it on a website.
I have some carpentry skills so I have done some stuff around the house but he never gives me credit for any of it. He had layed snap flooring in the living room and kitchen while sitting in a rolling chair, he busted his knee up when he jumped off a tugboat and was out of work a year and a half, the floors in the living room were not completely clicked in and he had nailed some, no nails are nessesary. Living room floor was running east to west. The kitchen runs right off the living room and the boards should have all run the same way but he turned them to run north to south meaning there would have to be some kind of board running across then to transition a connection.. The boards were sliding and not connected. So while he was gone to work I pulled them all up and had them all going the same way and it was done right. It looked beautiful. I sent him pictures and he was not very happy about the change nor would he give me any gratitude. It was crazy.
Sex has never been great. He cant really preform very well and his knee keeps him from doing what most men can. In 10 months we had had sex a total of 4 times. He always has an excuse. Then when I tried to ask him about it he went off on me and said we had talked about me finding a job. I didnt say a word, I got ready and stormed out the door saying I’ll see you later. Stayed gone all day and looked for a job. When I came home that night he was all happy and giggly.. weird.
We had talked about the limbs falling on the house. So while he was working I climbed up on the house with a broom and swept all the leaves and limbs off the house. The porch had a layer of tin and I wasnt about to step out on it for I could have damaged it. I asked my grandson to help me by pusing it off with the end of the broom while i held his hand.. We got it done. Later when i talked to my N and told him what I had done and that I was afraid of damaging the tin if I stepped on it. He asked how i got the rest of the leaves off and I told him I let me grandson help. He went into a fit of rage (on the phone) and told me he not to start that lieing shit. He said now I’m pissed off. I said What are you talking about?? He said I didnt tell the whole story in the beginning so I was telling a lie. He said he had to go and hung up.. No thank you for doing that and I’m glad you were safe. Just anger.. I would answer his calls for two days. When I finally called him back he said I should have answered the phone, what if it was an emergency… Then he said he did not call me a lier and he did not get mad. haha…
I have so much more but I cannot write it all. The abuse is real and only God can change them not us. I feel sad for this man and it really hurts my heart for I know he was physically, mentally and verbally abused by his crazy father. His mother worked as a nurse while his father took care of all 4 boys. His father literally hated him. He committed suicide when my N was 16. He said he never shed a tear for he hated his father and his father hated him.
I cannot stay based on my love or my pity for this man. I love his brothers, kids and grandkids plus all the others in his family.
Actually he is the one that just told me we should have waited til we knew each other better before I moved you in. He couldnt tell me to my face, he waited til he was on the boat and using a phone. Saying any and everything has never bothered him before, so why couldnt he just say it in person. He said we’d talk about it when he got home. He stopped calling and testing. I was use to this every single day for 10 months then it stopped. Like a death.
I believe I have been a challenge to him and shown I wont take some things from him. Like once when he kept harping about my daughter, its always ugly what he says. I finally said, “You are pissing me off”, and he just shutup right then an thre. Nothing else said about it.
He told me yesterday and today that he loved me but I dont really believe it. I love him but he cant return that kind of love.
He will be home next week, I will be working at my new job. Wish me the best on this journey. God be with you all..
If this couple didn’t have any sexual contact early on in their relationship and if they did only about once a month – how come as the relationship was breaking up were they ‘intimate’ twice a day whilst on holiday?!!! – Just a question/thought!
Ex wasn’t happy unless he was making everyone else as miserable as him. He suffered from low self-esteem and self-worth, but would cover it up with putting on a song and dance show. Always had to be center of attention, always center stage, always right, everyone else was wrong. Justified hundreds of thousands of debt for his own purchases, justified affairs because he was bored, justified taking advantage of others because they were stupid enough to get duped. Never took anything or anyone serious. Blamed all his other ex wives for not living up to his standards financially, sexually, or emotionally. Nothing was ever enough, always wanted more-more-more! Never satisfied! It was a never ending cycle of abuse. Years wasted on 3 square meals a day, baking desserts, cleaning constantly, picking up, grocery shopping, raising kids, running 2 businesses, dealing with all his ex wives crap while he played or went out with his immature 50 year old divorced buddies that also didn’t have a clue about life or refusing to grow up finally. Blame shifting-it was always the Govt’s fault, societies fault, the ex wives fault, my fault, the other womans fault, his old managers fault, his business partners fault, his parents fault, his kids fault, God’s fault, the clients fault, and so and so on. Not 1 oz of remorse, accountability. The drinking, the sexual addictive abuse, the financial abuse, the emotional mind raping, the blame games, the chaos, the drama, it was a never end cycle of emotional abuse. A living hell! He acted like Mr. Prince Charming, but was Mr. Prince Harming, a real peach. I’m done with that roller coaster ride from hell, no thanks. Never again. Hopefully, all his new victims or gals will learn real quick what he’s all about and then some. No thank you!
Well my best friend’s husband is a complete narc hole. I can’t stand him! He pathologically lies constantly. He has umpteen affairs (of to which he blames it on the women being too naïve, too trusting, too desperate, or dressing to skanky.) He thinks he’s Mr. Hot Stuff Business Man of the Year. Projects a whole successful “look at me” “I’m the greatest image” except he’s rolling in tons and tons of debt. He doesn’t pay back anyone for inventory he owes every from here to China. He calls everyone useless, stupid, women dumb, men worthless, makes fun of everyone. Yet he’s the one with tons of issues. He’s latest kick is being chronically late to any functions we have and he has now since found “God and Jesus.” Yep, he was born again 10 years ago, but I guess he was born again to sin again and again and again. An affair or two here and there (he doesn’t believe oral sex is real sex, so feels he does nothing wrong.) Credit card debt out the yin/yang, estranged women, lying to clients, lying to family, manipulating, coercing, exploiting, do whatever he wants whenever with whomever. Not a care in the world, one big fantasy land fun time for him at everyone else expense account. I’m so sick and tired of it, why she tolerates the BS is way beyond me. I can’t stand his energy or his BS it makes me sick. They are energy vampires!
I left my NPD wife of 11 years in June. I have two kids with her and was worried about mine and their mental health. Over the years, I have spent time in therapy and never figured out the issue until 3 years ago. I had worked hard my whole marriage to provide her supply and she was SO drunk on it by the time I left that the injury was brutal. I have spent the last six months healing and regaining my happiness. She has been scarred by my realization and my ask for her to look at herself to see the issues with her happiness. The alternative was to move on very quickly to the next guy. While I do find it hard that she moved on so quickly, all I can really feel is bad for the next guy. My main goal is teaching my kids healthy empathy and that it is ok for them not to be perfect and have to supply her image needs in life. I am finding that there is happy life after living with a narcissist. These people are like leeches to the souls of happy people. I wish everyone out there the best in healing.
right on w/this article!!!!!
N/C only way to go….
Remember NARCS guy/girl any age
THEY ALWAYS HAVE A SUPPLY, fact…
ALWAYS SEEKING SUPPLY fact…
it will come BK around, watch…
focus on you!
theyll have some piece of us, why? how? wtf?
let it go….. day by day
success, happiness is best revenge!!!!!
strength!!!!
‘)
I have been torn since my split from my Ex..Thank you for sharing what you have experienced. I have been through a similar. I went through 8 years of hell. At the time I become used to the treatment and again was torn between how I was raised and what I was in recipient of from Ex. I’ve been punishing myself since the split, going over old ground and maybe thought I could of done more. But I did everything I could. His life was completely wrapped around him..and yes entitlement he expected and boundaries were not for him. I was put through strange and hurtful situations that didn’t make sense to me. I kept telling myself the more love I showed him and commitment to him, he would eventually see me. But it just made things worse. I’ve always stood by what is right by me and having self respect…but year half into the relationship we had a child and now I have 2 beautiful boys from the relationship. I found that when dynamics changed, he used these dynamics knowing I needed him to be a supportive, loving partner. I felt he resented me..for the commitments to the family. I let things slide and kept making excuses for his behaviour towards me and his general attitude. My life become my children as you all know kids around the clock, with house work, money worries and making my family happy. But nothing was good enough. He did use guilt to control the situation. He always said how he supported us..but left when my youngest son was only 5 months old. I lived alone 3 half years..with him coming up once or twice a week to see us. He said after 9 months of leaving me, he realised what he had, but he just went out partying hard but continued working hard too..he took to Coccaine and drinking excessively after a suicide of one of his female friends. Carried on going out all the time always going to his female friends for advice and spending time with them..while I was home with kids.
He also had a strange relationship with his mother, I kept my distance here..never spoke of this though. She always called him her ‘Golden child’, constantly praising him and getting him out of past debts. But this wasn’t my problem as it only got in the way of our relationship as he also run things by her 1st..he never come to me about decisions that effected my life too. I felt like my views didn’t matter because I didn’t matter. At the time you can’t make sense of it all, because I couldn’t understand how someone could treat you invisible, when you have 2 children together and in a relationship. After 3 half years I stupidly tried again, thinking it could of been just adapting to family life..but I believe it’s says a lot about a person to leave you when you are vulnerable after having a baby. I wanted to believed he loved me. I wanted to keep my family together.
Now I see how he was actually treating me, I was a joke to him. When he moved back in together he treated me worse. It was all about power now. He saw that he left me in time of need and still accepted it. We were on completely different pages, I was growing and believed naively thought he did come back for right reasons. He used work as guilt..he said he deserved his life, to go out when he wanted missing his girlfriends, and he never valued me at all or saw anything in me as a person. I supported him in hobbies, and social life. But never had interest in me. I was lonely, losing myself and slowing questioning myself..for the boundaries I set. He said why don’t you go out and find yourself male company? He just mocked my feelings and value. He used to get violent when I asked him for his reasons for being so hurtful and distant. I never knew who this man was and it was scary.
8 years later he left..it got to the point that I couldn’t handle feeling like a shell of my former self. I couldn’t discuss anything about the kids or us..he said they were my issues not his.. I was raised by the most lovely people. We have been through so much as a family and also talked through problems and brought us closer as a family. My parents were good role models in my life. He was raised to never take consequences for his actions, and told to thrive in life without looking back. His mum told me this herself. Now after that horrific experience he had another woman by 4 months. He’s been with her ever since, she has no children and they both see my boys every other wkend and pays child support. He says he hasn’t failed his kids as he has faced his responsibilities. This is true. I just don’t know if this was Narcissism?? or just no Love for me?? He said he has changed now, he is a better man. He doesn’t treat his current GF like this and he is sorry for what I have been through. He now lives over 1 half hours away..in a different country. It’s been NC for me as he tries to Co parent now. I don’t want that..I still suffer so much from the experience and just taking each day as it comes..its been 2 years since the split and I can’t even face dating yet..its been a lot to heal and recover from, I’m still healing.
I have been with a narcissist for 35 years. He is not abusive, but he has no empathy at all, and everything is about him. I’ve had three major health issues during our time together, each with a lengthy hospitalization, and he refused to come see me in the hospital each time. I had to have treatment in another state and had to move there for three years. He refused to come with me, even though he did not have a job and could have easily moved with me. I lived alone 2,000 miles away for three years simply because he enjoyed living somewhere else more and didn’t care whether I was there or not. We have never done anything together that I enjoy, in fact, we really don’t do anything together. He craves admiration from others, so he spends hours talking to other people, but doesn’t bother talking to me at all. He doesn’t cheat and he doesn’t seem to want to leave, but he makes no effort whatsoever to be a companion. He also takes credit for everything that I’ve done, and talks about business transactions I’ve made as if he did them himself. I met someone else years ago and considered leaving. It was the only time my husband ever tried to make me happy. He fooled me into thinking that he loved me so much that he didn’t want me to go, so I stayed. I understand now that he just didn’t want me to be the one to leave because it would’ve hurt his ego. As soon as I committed to stay in the marriage, he went back to being distant and unavailable. Anyone involved with a narcissist should just leave before they end up at the end of their life with no happy memories.
P.s. His changed feeling and parting ways message was delivered to me in a text. 22 years. A text.
My N ended our 22 year relationship 5 weeks ago. Unfortunately he is also my boss. I too surrendered my sense of self to him.
Much of your descriptions of your relationships mirror my own experience.
What a charmer. I had chalked up his ‘grandstanding’ as a boyish idiosyncrasy. He would seldom acknowledge our relationship publicly, especially around black women (he’s black I’m white).
He’s an elected official, I’m the treasurer of his election committee. I have been at this job (we’re both executives) for 25 years. He’s been here for 35.
I immediately instituted ‘no contact’ when he told me out of the blue that his feelings had changed and that he wanted to move his life on. I stopped picking him up for the drive to work daily. I no longer have lunch with him daily. I do have to be involved in meetings with him, but have kept our conversations strictly to work or election matters.
My question is, can I successfully stay in my job and heal properly? Finding this website helped me put a name to his N patterns of ‘freezing me out’, his lack of empathy for others and his propensity to make every conversation about him. I’m realizing that he interrupted every sentence I’ve ever begun.
I’d like to stand my ground and continue to develop the strong fiscal department of our firm that I have created. I also don’t like the idea of job hunting at 60.
I don’t want to be friends with him now that I have nailed his N tendencies, with your good assistance. I’m hoping to have the strength to push through. I don’t make eye contact with him, even though he pursues my assistance daily on work or election matters.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories. I am your sister in survival.
I have recently split from my narcissistic gf. It’s been a month. I am struggling everyday to come to terms with the fact that she never loved me. I long for the person I met. I cannot stop thinking about the amazing person she was at the beginning. I keep trying to remind myself of all the shit she put me through and how I am better off without her. It’s hard. I loved her like I have never loved before, unconditionally. I was strong, independent and successful (carrier, not previous relationships). She made me feel good about myself initially. Then the arguments started and I was told that i need to change parts of my character. I believed her rather than believed in myself as she was everything I could ever wish for. She was independent, driven, intelligent and beautiful. Slowly she chipped away at me to the point where I started having panic attacks. If ever I said anything she didn’t like she would berate me and tell me it was my problem and if I didn’t like it then I knew what I could do. I believed her when she told me the problem was mine. To the point where I started counselling. Thank god I did or I will still be suffering in the relationship wondering what I had done wrong. It breaks my heart to think that the person I met had changed so much but I know that the person I met was never the real person but that doesn’t stop me missing the person I thought she was. I want it to stop. Missing the lie that she was. I know all these things but I still cannot squash that last little piece that hangs on to the hope that maybe she will realise what she has done and will come back and tell me that she is getting help and wants to have the future together that we planned. It’s foolish I know but I cannot seem to get rid of it. How do I kill this last bit of hope. I know with a rational mind that it will never happen so why do I still hang on to hope? How can I still love someone that has treated me so badly. I want it to stop.
My question is.. How can I drive him to discard me. I’m done, I need him out of my life. Someone please email me what I need to do please. Thanks
That’s a good thought. There is one mutual friend…. I just didn’t want to involve a third party. But in this case, likely the best idea because she won’t turn it into a game..
Thanks Savannah 🙂
I want to thank you from my heart and soul for sharing this personal experience. Like others, I feel that you have written my own story. Being in my mid-30s and hoping to get married one day, I don’t have any more time to waste on somebody who cannot be, and was never going to be, an equal and supportive partner. By learning about these behaviors, it helps me to understand what I just experienced for the last 2 years. And it validates that I’m not crazy because I was beginning to doubt it myself.
I’m 3 months past being discarded just as we were about to move in together. Dodged that bullet! My healing has been so much easier, and deeper, after seeing things realistically and not through the haze of emotional pain. I came to understand that my dopamine levels were out of balance from the terrible roller-coaster ride that our relationship was so I looked up ways to balance that out. And, of course, 20/20 hindsight is so clear to me now….all those red flags! When I start to feel twinges of sadness for what I perceive to have lost, I add to my list of weird and hurtful things that he did during our time together. Good quick reminder when I re-read that list!
One question….I have several big items of his that I want to give back including a TV. How should I handle this? I don’t know where he lives nor do I want to know. And I definitely don’t want him coming to my place. I think I’m strong enough to see him for a few minutes for an exchange somewhere but I don’t want to put the ball in his court in any way in regards to planning the meet-up, etc. Chances are he’d bail like usual and find one last way to make me upset. Thoughts….?
Do you have a mutual friend you could drop them off at? Or perhaps you could leave them with one of his relatives – this way you get rid of his stuff and you don’t even have to see him.
Just curious is he still with the other woman?
Sammie I have no idea, but it hardly matters. Whether he is or isn’t doesn’t change what he is.
Wow! I just read MY life with my soon to be ex-husband snake. soooo helpful!! Thank you!!
Sounds like my ex husband to a T. Glad you’e free. Good riddance to you, I say.
I find great relief reading so many comments that people have left about these evil people.
I have just been discarded after 10yrs.. Lied to and abused and gone through the normal pattern that N’s do when in a relationship with you.. So very hard when you see them with someone new and how quickly they can move on. At least I know she will go through the same if not worse, I managed to find him out and he hated the fact that I was on to him and knew his game.
This new partner doesn’t know what is ahead of her with this monster, he has no money and no equity in his house which he has now had to sell as the bank he signed his personal guarantee with for his failed business are now coming after him for 25k.
He needs to get with this new woman quickly and perhaps trap her into marriage or to take on a mortgage for him whilst he feeds her lies why. He will then be able to take her for money when he ends the relationship in the future.
His ex wife had a very lucky escape but was with him for 17yrs and came out with everything I swear she must of found him out that he had cheated on her as well.
He surrounds himself with friends at the football team where he is a chair and always would tell me just how much everyone loves him and obviously only me that can’t see him for the amazing guy he was..
Thankgod I managed to lie to himtoeards the end and I got away to a new house and new location where he will never find me. I just wish I had known what I was dealing with years ago and got away from this evil man but I was fooled by how amazing he was when I first met him and I fell in love him with him like others will as well.
I hope he rots in hell and the bank take everything from him now and he is left with peanuts but he will survive as this new victim won’t be aware what’s ahead of her and I now pity her just wish someone had warned me but you just don’t want to believe people like this exist…
I now work on myself which will take time but I am lucky that what I do have he was unable to take from me and that’s what tells me someone was looking out for me… Thank you
Thank you so much I mirrored your experience completely. Thank you for sharing.
I hsve known very well a narc. She was my mother! You don’t chose a mother. While I tried to quit my family as soon as I could, when I succeeded my life had already been devastated. Only now (I am 82) I understand what it was all about. I thought she was a really bad and selfish character now I understand she was an extreme NPD. It was not her fault but, you can stay at large!.
I had a narcissist girlfriend. I loved her. I still love her. I send her love from a distance everyday. That is the best thing to do. They are people. They are lovable. They hurt us. It’s not beneficial to objectify them. My ex gf was much more adorable than she knew. That is the issue. May God find a way to heal all narcissists on earth.
Hi all,
I agree Horizon7y…they want to be the ones to ‘be done’ first.
I left my narc about 2 months ago…I have not contacted him first, but I have responded to his pleas (about twice a week since) of getting me back with ‘I know who you really are’ and the basic everything you did to break us remarks. I clearly have a lot of work to do in the no contact area. I am trying, blocked him on FB…which I hardly visit anyway, erased all his texts and pics from my phone and iPad.
So getting back to the narc wanting to be the one to end things…I left him, with no warning or word one day when he was at work, which was very difficult obviously.
He has contacted me today saying, I’m done, all you do is remind me of what I did wrong etc and that I’m a POS in your eyes…!!!
I’m like really? I left you, remember!!! It’s unbelievable that people are so selfish and have such a major sense of entitlement.
Anyway, it still upsets me every time he texts…I need to block him.
It’s really hard…but I am thankful for this site:)
It helped me walk away from it…and I know I’ll get there eventually.
Thanks Savannah….and everyone who posts their story…it makes me remember that I once was a loving giving person…I just was unlucky enough to have the life sucked out of me for 2 years.
🙂
I also think Narcissists HAVE to be the one to walk away first. They are intuitive. They can read emotions or slight changes. If they perceive you are leaving, they will try to be the one to leave first. It makes sense, everything is about the preservation of ego, and rejection is the ultimate ego buster.
I had a sting of personal tragedies at the end of last year. I made the comment to her that I could not bear anything more, I was looking forward to down time at the holidays to rest and recuperate. The very next day she raged at me because I opted not to go to a store with her (and planned to make her dinner when she got back)
This outside of the lies, cheating, betrayal, contradictions, no win situations, gas lighting, future faking, managing down expectations, subtle attempts to erode my confidence, triangulation and approach avoidance repetition complex to keep me in a constant state of anxiety. I was done.
Our relationship was imbalanced had zero reciprocation and she was a totalitarian control freak with entitlement issues and double standards that were hypocritical.
I tried to request that we work on things but she refused. What else was there to say?
I told her I needed time to think about things, and requested some space.
Of course the texts wouldn’t stop. “hope you are ok” I started becoming angry. You don’t hope I’m ok. If you did, you’d try to work on our relationship. I’d reply.
She knew it was coming. I changed my number when it became obvious she wasn’t going to respect my boundaries or request for time to think.
She requested a time to talk, cancelled on me last minute (to feel in control)
She sent me an email on valentine’s day. It just said happy valentines day. Following this was a video from her son, that said he loved me and happy valentine’s day. (how sick, involving him in anyway) I didn’t want her to think she crushed me with that message I sent a one sentence response. Happy Valentine’s day to you both too. Thanks for the video message.
I realized in that moment, I wasn’t going to respond to anymore messages again. And you know what? 10 days I’ve heard nothing from her.
In her head, she went no contact with me. And that’s just fine with me, whatever makes her feel good as long as she stays the heck out of my life.
Who does that though? A pot shot on valentine’s day using a video message from her son, and then silence. How sick.
What’s remarkable is how gender doesn’t matter the pathology is the same.
The biggest thing I noticed and a life lesson for me. ACTIONS OVER WORDS. Words don’t mean anything. They are like politicians during an election. And their follow through is just as hollow. Anything to get attention. Anything to win. Anything to get power. Then once power is assumed you start consuming resources for your own personal gain. You begin dictating and controlling. And when the opportunity presents itself to get rejected (next election cycle) they go back to charm mode to keep power, just like how they act in relationships when they fear you are pulling away.
In short, her story with a Narcissist reads almost exactly like mine. Lasted 10 years also and started and ended the exact same way. The similarities are uncunning. Funny how Narcissist think they are so special and different, yet they fit in the same exact mold as all other Narcissist. No one is that unique and let that be a warning sign!!
When my relationship ended so abruptly just as she described and I was discarded and left lying on the kitchen floor in the worst emotional pain of my life, I yell out to God. I had nothing left and wanted to end my life. But, when I surrendered to God, I found him there by my side and he sent an Army of Angels to help guide me back to myself. It took me 10 months of being separated to realize I was in such an abusive relationship. He still had a hold on my heart and I didn’t know why. I prayed so hard on this and asked God to lift this heaviness on my heart. The day I meditated on this, I ran into one of his coworkers who had the guts to tell me the affair was going on for a LONG time. He of course blammed it all on me and I took it. When I got home, the word Narcissist popped in my head. I googled it and sure enough, it explained everything! So, there is a pattern they follow and please never doubt youself if you see these signs. Don’t let them take all you have. And if you are just realizing you are in this same situation, there is hope. With life there is always hope. Peace, love, and healing to all you Survivors! You have an Army of Angels at your disposal! Just cry out for them.
Thank God you are out. I was married to a narcissist for 6 yrs and your story is my story. My mother is also a narcissist and I was pre programmed for all the lies, cheating, insults, etc. etc. etc. Now, 9 yrs later I am happy, remarried and am living my dreams. There is life after narcissism.
Every instance and experience I’ve read on here is nothing short of what I just experienced these past 6 months and am now at the “push forward” part. I was just discarded a month ago….excuse me I just realized I was discarded month ago, and thank the Lord I somehow came across the diagnosis and started educating myself. .. This man and I dated briefly (6 month) 4 years ago. I didn’t know it at the time but I was cycled in and out in the same exact pattern as I have been this time. I was left confused and broken and the rejection and blantent discard ruminated with me for 1&1/2 years….in April out of the clear blue, this sadistic man that I truly thought was my first real heart break, reigned me back in and in the most deceptive lying way. Although I was unaware that Id been involved with a N, I questioned his intentions, feelings, purpose, etc…and vented my rules and concerns and why the theory was all wrong. I remebrr he despised that I liked fashion and would buy him clothes (that he spitefully and purposely never wore) He hated that Id blow his phone up like a crazy person if he ignored me (because he was off cheating Im sure) I went over everything I could remeber as being painfully flawed and he rebutted it all over and over and over again….until I BELIEVED HIM. I was convinced!
He was making commitments to marriage and having a baby and sending me pics of rings and worshipping the very ground I walked on…showing me off to friends Id met the first time and expressing to them how he’d come to some realization and he’d always love me and he was just in a bad place before….and get this! THE ONE AND ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER ACCEPTED RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING IS WHEN HE LOOK AT ME AND SAID “I know I broke your heart and Im sorry…” Looking back he said it as if to take credit, and the sincerity I thought I saw was being confused with his pity for my poor poor soul. …..so after extensive consultation with friends family and trusted mentors, I accepted the invitation and nexr thing I know IM OVER THE TOP in Love and we are looking at houses I could never afford but he’s assuring me doesn’t matter….Moved in on a Friday and on that sunday somethibg was “off”…so as it goes (again it is only recently that I’ve become educated on what he is/isn’t) he proceeded to take me through the 3 stages and here I am!
At least I hAve some insight!
It was the same for me. It was hard to know that you wanted to be intimate with a person and then realize that you never got what you wanted. To me I wanted to feel love. When we were intimate all I felt was me doing the job. Putting my heart and also putting my body soul and mind. And my experience was the same as hers. It was robotic.and also it was empty. Like having sex with a doll. No emotion. No heart. I started to realize it was just to feed her need to have a sex life. It was hard. Then to have your emotions ignored even when you gave everything. I wish I readthis article earlier. But it dont matter if it was late. Im happy I saw what happened and how I can cure myself.
Anyone heard of Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxx who pretends to be “a lost child” but is actually an adult fraudster — narcissist? I never thought I’d fall for anything similar but I took in a homeless person who had been evicted from their previous housing. They appeared to be 18 but had a birthday — actually 29! Anyway, very charming with a hard-luck story, moves in and is the most useless person I’ve ever met! Read many of these sights and withdrew all narcissistic supply I could. Fortunately, or intentionally, they met someone online and, after giving them an eviction notice — see a pattern here? — they moved in with their next sucker. Not even a thank you for the 6 months I sheltered them! BEWARE this kind of narcissist! I felt bad for a fraction of a second, then realized — they don’t give a d-mn about me — I’m just a resource to be used — and then move on.
I tried to respond to Lauren. Sounds like mine. He had become homeless by choice living in his car to save $ Yet all his $ was used on drugs so he never saved. I bought the whole soulmate thing, the I’ve never had this connection with anyone, I mean normal people don’t lie about that! I gave him rides all the time, bought him food, lent him my car. He meets a girl on craigslist he starts selling pot to. I ask to meet her and never did. They keep people so separated I don’t know how they do it, it’s crazy. low and behold he discards me and moves in with the craigslist stranger! The girl was a lesbian so I never was worried before….but once he tried to reconcile I was NOT allowed over to his place. The place he finally got which he had always said he wanted us to wake up together every morning. These people are SO full of broken promises it’s unreal! He then tells me a story about her girlfriend not liking him bc she thought something was going on with the 2 of them as the girl was bisexual. I wouldn’t doubt it, peoples intuitions are usually correct. SO, once he moved out of that place and into a new, I could come stay with him finally! I said thanks but no thanks it’s never happening. I stood by this guy for a year while he lived out of a car and wasn’t welcome at his home bc of roommates. Love??? I am still baffled……I guess I was the only one stupid enough to feed him supply while he was on the street. Off the street his supply flowth over.
Hi Mrs. Narcist?
A question where you from and is your exhusband a doc. Who travels a lot around the world between the age of 20-40?
I feel sick to my stomach reading this. This story sounds exactly like my (now) ex of almost 6 years. His relationship with his mother is EXACTLY the same and his relationship with his father as well, although his dad is still alive. He was moody and robotic. He never complimented me. There was absolutely zero romance. He has a group of women friends to always boost his ego. He told me he was asexual when we first met. Only difference is our sex life was pretty good despite him claiming that he had no interest in sex. He didn’t want children so we had none. Now I am 36 and I wasted the last of my fertile years on the relationship with him. Two years ago I found out he cheated on me while I was out of state having surgery. I planned to leave him at that point and only because of that he begged me to stay and then proposed, even though up til then he always said he didn’t believe in marriage. Of course the wedding never happened and it ended with the last discard. He sucked me back in only to treat me colder than ever before. We have been floating along for 8 moths now since that happened, having sex and spending time together but living in separate apartments and not truly in any kind of committed relationship. I have finally hit a point where I can’t stand him ruining every fun event and holiday with his distant and moody behavior.
I have read so many books and articles about the backlash when someone breaks up with a narcissist and thought he would never do anything crazy. I figured he would more than likely just ignore me unless he decides to try to get me to come back. Well yesterday he proved me wrong and showed up at my house (walked right in actually) with my best friends boyfriend and threw my house keys, then turned around and walked out. WTF?! So unexpected and all for show to one-up me.
I just ended it several days ago and I am proud of myself for doing this. I’m sure he never thought I would leave him. It is so hard though. For the past few weeks I have been feeling that he may be seeing somebody else although I don’t know this as a fact. In a way maybe if he is occupied it will help me to have more uninterrupted time to heal without him texting/calling/emailing me.
After 6 years of putting myself last and completely ruining my relationship with my family here I am trying to figure out what to do next…
I wish all of the people reading this and going thru the same thing the strength to find the love you deserve.
This is my story too, only I was with my ex for 6 years. It has been 4 months since I left.
Like the man in this situation, my ex has impotence problems and a narcissist mother who was always around. She actually ended up taking a vacation to Hawaii the same exact time we went there on vacation. I left 4 months ago almost under the same conditions described here-my ex cheated, and never admitted to it despite evidence to the contrary. Within weeks after I left, the other woman moved in with her son and they are now engaged. In hindsight, I now see how emotionally abusive the relationship was and my health and wellbeing have increased significantly since I left. It is absolutely wonderful to be free of the rage, coldness, narcissism, and control this man infused my life with. Never again!
I posted this on another article but I think it fits better here..
Life is so funny – at one time I thought I could never survive the loss of the love of my life- I thought I could not breath without him – I didn’t want to live if he was gone- I didn’t know who I was if I didn’t belong to him – I made him my god and worshipped him put him above everyone in my life- he needs- his comfort -his happiness – his desires was more important than anything or anyone that existed.
I lived for his good moods and the playful loving affectionate side of him that I adored and dreaded the dark days when my world was turned upside down inside out over the smallest slight real or imagined.
sometimes over nothing at all and I could always sense when the darkness was headed my way… I lived in constant fear walking on eggs shells to keep him calm and pray the one I feel deeply and madly in love with would return to me. I gave everything a person could ever imagine giving yet was at the end never given credit for any of it – all that was thrown at me was how I didn’t put him first – how I didn’t please him – how if I got busy with something I forgot him… how could I forget for one second my heart , my soul , my happiness, my joy, my whole life?
I made the sad mistake of assuming he believed in my never ending devotion and would never doubt for second his importance in my world.. how could he? everyone around me suffered from the lack of me – even myself… I was slowly disappearing all that existed from the time I opened my eyes till I slept and even in my sleep was him.
When my life went thru a hectic phase and my pressures and responsibilities mounting when I needed his support most he tormented me more – out of nowhere instigating arguments that I could never win… beating me down… raging at me and making unreal demands of me to prove my love and loyalty to him…at times I would stand up for myself but god help when I did for I was punished by his silence and brooding for days… I missed him so much – I missed that one who with just seeing him my heart would smile… I would have done anything for him – given my life for his and yet it was never enough…. I forgot what it was l like to wake up relaxed and smile instead of always afraid of upsetting him… while at work I may have missed a call or two and this was an unforgivable transgression… no understanding that I had a job and children to support that I was exhausted from trying to meet everyone’s needs… all I needed from him was a few kind words and my heart would soar I would have the strength to keep going… but the darkness continued my inner light was close to being extinguished… my nerves were shot.. I needed him.. I needed his love so much I needed him to be there for me like I was for him through everything never faltering… I couldn’t take one more put down and I begged him to please say something nice to me all I got was silence… he had nothing to say… later that same evening while taking a shower he called and I missed it…. I was later raged at and told twice ” go to hell ” I could take no more and decided that enough was enough .. there was no escaping or denying the reality that I was in a total abusive relationship.. the one I loved and longed for never existed.. he was wearing a mask he preyed on my kindness , my love, my goodness to feed his empty soul… when I wasn’t available to shower him attention, love and praise I was deemed no longer useful and cast aside… after three years of traveling the world to be with him, three years of tiptoeing around him – three years of hearing empty promises of how he was going to give me a dream life and make sure I didn’t have to work or be tired any longer.. how he was going to take care of me… three years of living a long distance relationship – the loneliness’ – three years of praying to god to keep him safe and sound and let him want for nothing… three years of putting myself my needs my desires last… I was thrown away like nothing…when I look back at those three years there were so many signs that I choose to ignore… I just loved him so much and always hoped that my love for him would be enough to heal whatever hurt he had inside that made him so angry all the time…I believed in time when we would finally be together no more goodbyes- no more separations – all would be perfect…how I wrong I was….. it’s been more than a month since we parted… I’m still numb.. still at times feeling lost like there is a huge hole inside of me that can’t be filled.. I still cry at times when I realize I will never see that face I adored or hear his laughter… never lay my head on his chest again…. never feel like I am home.. for he was my home… I’m slowly waking up from a deep hazy fog….. I made one huge mistake in contacting him recently when I was in a big bind and felt or prayed that maybe just maybe he could be there for me… if not as my husband but maybe just a friend….. again I was disappointed and his silence was deafening.. after all we had been through together after all I had given and shown and sacrificed he stayed silent. That told me more than the thousands of “I love you mores” I had once lived for…
I am strong – I am healing and I thank god for all my blessings and I will never ever allow anyone close enough to breath in my direction…. I will finally love myself and maybe that’s why this happened to me… to finally learn to love and put myself first and not look for any man to complete me never give the keys to my happiness to someone else….
My boyfriend and I broke up in june after our anniversary,before then I broke up with him and he begged to change,we have being in different states ever since we dated and we try to see each other when we r avn less shedules,recently I was sick he showed absolutely no care but enjoyed talking about his problems and how he needs help from me,ever since we begun dating he makes his problem the most importance when he calls me he mostly talks about his problems and just how I can help him by sending him money and helping him curb his problems,the day I don’t he isn’t happy with me he causes problems insults me and makes me feel pain emotionally recently I was sick early last month he called and started talking about his problems only and I told him when will he ever show some care at least and I asked him 2 let me be alone for two months he called texed emails insulting me but I neva ansewered to any,just two daes today he called and I picked up he told me unless I initiate a reunion he will neva cal me again,I told him if dz relationship ix important to him he insultd me simply because I asked him to give me some space before I initiated a break up if he learns to apologise first jux like the way he insulted me first before I initiated a break up I will call for a reunion he told me every little thing den I ask him to leave me alone so as for me dats how I am and I can neva make a good wife,he apologised yesterday but said because I wanted an apology he has apologised to me but I don’t want to call for a reunion,the main reason why I did that was beacuse he made it seem as if since I wanted an apology 1st I should have it cos I claim I want his apology,jux dis morning I sent him a txt telln him am gone for a youth camp for a week when am bk we can sort tbings out.please help me solve this complicated issue he has a bad attitude apologising,he finds it difficult to apologise he jux doesn’t see any reason to and he sees his problems 1st he ix only hapi with me after depending on me and after I help him financiallly,but he says to me he doesn’t love me cos of the way I help him so why then does he treate me diz way,am beginnig to see him as a narcissist cos he wldnt let me brk up to but he treates me harshly,he told me during the NC period by txt which I didn’t reply that he will neva kam afta me,but I shouldn’t let him go into the arms of another lady aout of comfort and pitty he treatens me when he sees his about losing me.help!!!
I’m not sure what you need help with CV. If he is threatening to run off into the arms of another woman – let him. You have to ask yourself, ‘What am I really losing here?’ If all this guy does is fight with you, insult you, belittle you, only talk about himself and ask you for money – what’s the problem? Let his ass go. The problem so many of us get tripped up over is the few nice times we’ve had. Once in a blue moon he might say something sweet, or after a roll in the hay there was some cuddle time and miraculously that negates all of the horrible stuff they do the rest of the time – errrr no it doesn’t. And this guy doesn’t even live in the same state as you -pfffft this relationship doesn’t need a doctor it needs a mortician – it’s over, say adios and don’t look back. Don’t respond to any calls, texts or emails. Be done with this and move on to someone that consistently treats you in a loving and respectful manner AND who lives in the same state.
Hello everyone,
Two weeks ago I left what I believe to be a narc. I was in a 13 month relationship and I had warning bells ringing so loud that I could no longer ignore them.
I’d love to know if you feel he is a narc or not. He completely lacks empathy. No one around him is allowed their feelings. His daughters suffer from violent outbursts and I feel that’s due to them not being allowed their emotions.
His sister and him are oddly connected. She is scared to tell him what she thinks or feels. Everyone walks on egg shells. When I was a good girl.. And I’m 52, all was good and he was kind and sweet. When crossed I always felt the anger was lurking under his eyes.
He is always right and never wrong. He rarely if ever apologised.
He has a harem of women friends. He needs to see them or text them constantly. They are friends, or exes or people too ugly for him to have dated. They make him feel good about himself. I don’t believe he ever cheated and he is a one man woman. However, in the past he had several on the go. He would boast to be about how they all wanted to tame him. But I’m the lucky one he loves and he loves me more than he’s ever loved. He said he had told all others when he wasn’t exclusive. But I feel that he’s using his honesty as a weapon and a get out of jail free card for behaving like an alley cat and a misogynist.
He loves to be praised and I found myself laughing at unfunny jokes and praising him sexually. He was overly good in bed. I felt like an instrument he so happened to play well, and never quite connected to him.
One time a few months in I had questioned why he had been on line to a woman late at night. He flew into a rage, I question if this is narcissistic injury, he went nuts, punished me for two days then came round and cruelly dumped me. Just like that. Cold and callous and dumped. I humiliated myself for two hours until he agreed we could try again. He lay with his hands behind his head feeling icy.
He agreed and twenty mins after he left my house I found my self esteem and told him by text he was right, let’s call it a day. The next day after I’ve not slept for two nights and been stuck on the loo and sobbing to my friends, he rocks up, apologises and we get together again. He was shocked that I had deleted all our pics and memories.
Things went on. I accepted all his friends and I really don’t believe him to be a physical cheat. Although I know he always had bounced from woman to woman. Sometimes ending long relationships and seeming quite detached about the pain he had caused. I would say loving it really.
He also drove like a madman. We had a serious crash and I’d broken my ankle in it. But he wouldn’t slow down, and he wouldn’t be critiqued about driving. It was a no go area.
He’s cut friends out of his life after forty years if they had time with his ex wife. He said they knew what would happen and they had to choose. He was married for twenty years and it was abusive. I therefore thought his immediate knee jerk response to any perceived criticism of himself was as a result of that. Now I’m not so sure.
Final straw was him pointing out to me quite deliberately a woman across the park that used to be a booty call of his. I tried to discuss it and tell him I felt disrespected, he was abusive. Couldn’t talk, he went into child.
He then said he had done it to punish me as I was concerned about the financial situation that was developing between us. I need to maintain my home for my sons etc and I was feeling uncertain of his sense of entitlement. Wanting a bigger house etc and not just saying he would live anywhere as long as it was with me.
He has taken this as me doubting his integrity and how dare I assume he only wanted me for money, yet he was behaving just like that.
He also kind of kept me apart from my family. A feud had developed, but he fuelled it by demonising people he had never even met. I felt I was being disloyal to him were I to repair my relationships. I’d rather be happy than right. He’d rather be right.
This sounds crazy but there was also insane completions. A game of scrabble wasn’t a pleasure. It was a war zone. He had to win and he kept scores.. Or else the atmosphere turned black, and it was a misery.
He didn’t cheat, he did say I could meet or check his phone etc and know all his friends. They all knew about me. Some of them were very nice women actually. He was available, he didn’t pull away, or break up and rebound, he was committed to us having a future, but I always felt that one day, I’d be updated. I never felt safe following the callous first dumping. I was also so fed up of hearing about his past conquests. Really at 54 just shut up, it’s not dignified or respectful. I was sick of him making me feel like I was lucky to have him. He is pompous, and has a sense of entitlement.
He did also say I was beautiful and he was lucky to have me too, and buy flowers and pay for meals out etc. he was ridiculously charming. Very very sexually charged, also wanted anal sex which I refused but he was extolling the virtues of. He could be very kind and loving and never got up without seeing if I was ok, wanted tea, made meals etc.
so I’m confused. Is this man a narc? He hasn’t been in touch the last two weeks, isn’t hell bent on getting me back. I don’t personally think that’s love, as I think a man would do anything not to lose the woman he loves.
Oh, and he was always always looking at women, stating whether they were pretty or not. He did stop that behaviour as I said at the off I found it insulting him straining to look at women, or turning his head around as he drove. Hideous and creepy at his age.
I’ve gone cold turkey. I can’t sleep, wasn’t eating but that’s better now. Feel drained, often start to cry. I’ve gone into therapy and I’m understanding my behaviour patterns. I’ve decided not to be a co dependent anymore. No more same men different faces. This site is amazing. I’m so grateful to you all and for the honesty and integrity.
I’m so sorry there’s so much pain.
He was grandiose, always right, controlling, had a harem of friends and exes, met me whilst dating and dumped her to upgrade to me. I was on egg shells, I did get warnings, he could get cross when crossed. He is black and white. Has no emotional intelligence. It’s all about him. There’s no room for anyone else’s feelings. It’s how my feelings made him feel. He had the ability to be hurtful. He is spiteful to his daughter although then says sorry. He had been cruel to me, and disrespectful to my emotional well being. He had boasted about his ex conquests in front of my friends and was furious when I said I felt humiliated. I mean furious, went home in a rage screaming …I’m not happy, I’m not happy like some grandiose nut case.
But there was the flip side of honesty, no cheating, commitment. So is he or isn’t he. Not that a diagnosis makes a difference, but in a way it does. Helps me to feel better.
Gosh I wish I could sleep and function better. Yet deep inside I know this is right for me to escape.
Your thoughts, anyone?
X
TO Amanda,
YOur Narc sounds exactly like mine. And YES, resounding YES, he is a N. My N was VERY romantic, charming, sexual and committed. He talked constantly about til death do you part. He NEVER dumped me or left me. He wanted to be with me 24 by 7. And he was very cuddly, demonstrative, etc.
BUt like yours, he talked non-stop about his past sexual conquests, relationships, friendships, women he saw on the street. Women, women, women…it was non-stop. He also was obsessed with anal sex. He had TONS of female friends…all supposedly non-sexual but I saw lots of nude photos sent to him on his phone and email. SEveral from his OWN DAUGHTER IN LAW. He messed with my 18-year old daughter sexually. I am devastated by that still.
I left my N and he has pursued me ever since. Be glad yours is NOT. It is hell on earth and I can’t wait for it to end.
I am now almost three weeks out of a very sad, unfulfilling relationship with a misogynist/narcissist man. I am slowly in recovery, trying to find myself again, and re-establish contact with my three kids, whom he drove away. Chuck hates his mother, his sister, the mother of his only child, a woman now whom he never raised. We moved in together, at my former home, and he slowly but surely alienated my adult kids, and caused them all to leave. He had me convinced that he was better for me, that they were using me, and didn’t care about me. The sex in the beginning was rough, dirty, and abusive. I had never been treated like this before, objectified, and talked to like a whore. It scared me, and I told him I didn’t like it. He continued to press me for anal sex, trying to force it upon me, telling me I would like it if I could relax. I just couldn’t and we never did. From then on the sex became very boring. Always from behind, no foreplay, no intimacy, no kissing or eyes meeting. Just an act. I found thousands of porn files, on his computer, he admitted to using porn to get some “extra” and I was disgusted by this because he was doing all of this at work, when he was supposed to be making money. He never paid for rent, utilities, or food. He rarely took me to dinner, never bought me a little gift or card, except for a birthday or Valentines. He lied so many times, and was always demanding trust, even as he was a member of casual sex clubs and multiple online dating sites. I lived with it for two years, hoping he would change. But his behavior got worse as he was moddy and always complaining that he was in prison, even though I rarely contacted him during the day, and he had freedom to come and go. He didn’t control where I was going, knowing Im not about to sleep with a guy, so he didn’t worry. But he always wanted to know where I was, if I was close to his shop, or about to pop in. He was so flirtatious and charming, had several women friends, and claimed to be hard of hearing, so that anything I said, he didn’t really listen, that way when he couldn’t recall our conversation, he had an excuse. I am told him to leave, and he did. He tried to contact me a few times but I told him to stay away from me.
I have been married to my narc for 35 years,I’m in the midst of divorce(maintainence May 8)I have to live in the same household,but sleeping in separate bedrooms,living in separate rooms,he is still doing you all the things mentioned & lots more.I have just got bank statement for the courts and went back 7 years only to find,that he has taken women on holiday abroad on my debit card,but i also paid for meals, parking for 2 weeks,resturants and I didn’t know,why because i got my statements sent to my home and he just got rid of all of them,as he always got back from work before me.His family are now involved,he has just transferred £8000 to his brothers account and another £7000 to the family account.Really nice family he has.He has spent£100,000 in year alone so he doesn’t have to give me anything.I live on £71.70,I have to pay water bills ,telephone,car tax,car insurance basically I am minus £40 each month that goes by.His whore constantly rings the house,then when i answer,put the phone down.i just laugh now,what a pair of idiots.I sleep in a 3 ft bed,I have to take my handbag and everything in the bed(yes under the covers with me)because he creeps around at night.He left me Thursday of Easter weekend for 10 days without food,had to borrow money to feed myself,only to find that he was at the whores house.They both sneaked in the house while I was sleeping and left his shoes ,so i knew he had been back…how sick is that.She even baked a shit cake for him so he could bring it back to the house,(he thought I would believe he was at his mothers)I know his sisters baking and this was not it.all the dried fruit had gone to the bottom.i just laughed.they deserve each other.What i am most proud of is even though I have nobody to support me including my sister & brother,I HAVE NOT SPOKEN to my narc for nearly one year come June 6 2013.I detached then,I don’t know if its the right thing to do ,but i had to for my own sanity.So no- contact stands whether you are with the person or not.At the moment I cry a lot but he or anyone else will never see this.This pain is for me alone to bear,to grieve in silence for all those years of non-sensical love.If I look at my life…I had HOPED with every breath I took, that he would change.This is a quality that gives meaning to life itself.But have forgiveness for myself, at the moment I’m trying to come to terms with the wasted years.I am so lonely and I am still living in this locked bird cage of married life,hopefully this will end soon enough.But for now,my pain is constant,as I live it.But knowing that the path I am about to take ..will never be as painful as the path I have already walked Marilyn.Love to all …be safe!!
Her ex is my father, and she is my mother.
I’m glad you didn’t have kids with him, I hope you live a wonderful life without the narcissist.
Well, I have believed 100 % that my guy is a narc. He is in a leadership position and he has everyone here charmed especially the women. Those who have been at the butt of his wrath fear confronting him and so he sees no wrong in his actions.
I have to say he IS a “nice” guy. He is quick to do for others and is a good teacher and knows a lot of things that he shares with others solicited and unsolicited. He keeps everyone so mesmerized with his talent, helpfulness, and charm.
He has an addiction to porn and even though he admittedly was doing this before me(and promised me he stopped when we were dating) he blames me for watching it. He has been flirting and getting too emotionally involved with the women here since we were dating and he charms them and lets them know he is there for them and he coos to them and he understands them and lassoes the moon for them and they think he is just fabulous. All while he comes home and treats the one who loves him and is faithful to him like a roommate and a maid and worse because I saw this and complained! He has an affinity for talking to women late at night about his spouse(he was married and engaged once before) making them feel they are special in his life that THEY understand him and then the significant other is demonized and rumors are started destroying any chance of getting any support from anyone. I know this because I found his “trophy” box with cards from women and pictures of this one particular woman and I found her letter to him that spoke badly of his ex wife and his then fiancee saying she was the only one who understood him because SHE knew him so well from all the “late night” talks they had behind his fiancee’s back. He had everybody in that community seeing the fiancee’s faults too as he has done to me here. All the while saying he NEVER discusses or discussed our marriage.
He has cheated and he did so with one of his subordinates that I suspected 2 years before he was after. She was always making her way into his office when I was there and I walked in on them a couple of times being a bit too cozy. She liked him and I knew this and I pushed for my husband to get rid of her. So, the little harem he had surrounding him that he charmed got together and had me banned from the building starting a lie that I was acting crazy and screamed at my husband in public. All I did was at public functions give dirty looks to these women who should have known better to stay away from him out of respect to the marriage.They couldn’t wait until business hours to discuss things with him. They couldn’t let me enjoy being a newlywed and have my husband at my side for a little bit. THAT was constituted as “crazy” according to my husband.
It’s funny when I found out through surveillance that he was with this little slut and found out she was still coming to work with him when she was suppose to be gone and I confronted him, he was scared to death that I was going to tell everyone and was so nice and sweet. As soon as his cohorts showed support (they did not fire him or the whore for the affair Yet they kicked ME out for less. Real moral people) He went right back to being arrogant and indifferent to me especially in front of others. It’s like he wants to show other women who are watching that he has no loyalty to me. Oh and he has established such a lovely witch hunt against me that when I went to the husband he would not believe me and threw my past in my face. Something he should not have known. No, my husband didn’t spread the rumor, he delegated passive aggressively these woman who love him so much to do his dirty work. Of course he said I did this to myself. In a way I did by trusting someone who was suppose to be my close friend with my life details and she being one of his cohorts gladly obliged his agenda along with his boss and former boss(another female).
They were not comfortable when I came looking for my husband when he was suppose to meet me somewhere and stood me up or left my son and i to do laborious work when he promised to be back shortly and I find him yucking it up alone in a closed office with these women while they were talking “business”. Do you think those women cared that he was newly married? NO! Do you think HE had enough respect to reschedule or do a skype meeting another time or call and let me know anything? NO! They did not like me being in their way of instant access to him and they destroyed me. He created this. He created this by charming and flirting and cooing and joking and BEING THERE for THEM.
He says I drive him crazy that I am twisted and bizarre. All I have done is time and time again found evidence that he was either watching porn or getting to cozy with his boss or subordinates. You must understand that this man has a religious position and is around children so in our religion, porn is a BIG FAT NO NO! He refuses to be intimate with me and blames me for it because I always accuse him of things he doesn’t do.
I swear on my children(and we aren’t suppose to swear) that he is addicted to porn and has been emotionally and I believe physically unfaithful and I may have been off the mark sometimes, because of all of his lies are so intertwined that I am suspicious of everything, but the physical evidence is irrefutable.
His boss knows I don’t like her and don’t want her near my husband. She is also a doctor and my husband snuck over to see her for something that he could have gone to another doctor for and she allowed him to come see her. One of the ladies at his job slipped and told me he went to his doctor. I went to his doctor’s office and he wasn’t there. I called him and he started lying and getting curt immediately. When I questioned him further, he got mad at ME and hung up! He was outraged and treated me terribly then come to find he went to this woman. He arrogantly said yes he did and so what? He had all these lame excuses that fell flat. She should be ashamed of herself too. Little does her husband know that she spent late nights talking to my husband about him and my husband sided completely with her, of course! Even if he was a flaming idiot, she should not have been having intimate conversations with a man of his position late at night or any man for that matter! Oy maybe he just surrounds himself with fellow Narcs!
Right before we left to his daughter’s engagement party, I found out I was pregnant. I kept it to myself because I wasn’t stealing her thunder. We get there and he makes me hold the camera while he goes and talks to every freaking woman there laughing joking making them giggle and coo and leaves me in the dust. I was so stressed out watching this. My whole body was stiff and composure was a challenge but I had to keep it for my step daughter’s sake. I was like this for hours. I started having horrible pains and began worrying. When we got back to the place we were staying, the pain just worsened and i ran to the bathroom and lost the pregnancy. I was devastated. I did not want to say anything til we got home so I just cried and my husband asked what was the matter and I told him I started my period and was in a lot of pain. “uh sorry to here it” He goes to pray with host and does not come back with him. He is busy making rounds at friend’s houses (with the wives he was flirting with) and did not think to get me to introduce them or even check on me knowing I was in a great deal of pain.
I go to my room and cry. He finally comes back and says”What are you cryin’ about now?” before I could stop sobbing and say anything he says to me ” When you’re done maybe you can clean yourself up and join the rest of us!” and walks out. It wasn’t the right thing to do but I called him a bastard. He was so cold he did not even care that I was hurting and he knew how much I wanted to get pregnant. I have lost a few pregnancies because of the stress he and his cohorts have put me through.
There is so much more.
Now? He had promised me that he was not watching porn or involved with that little filthy piece of work anymore. So you know I don’t believe him. I try to trust him because I love him and want so much to get back the man I fell in love with but my gut was churning something awful. I let it go for a month or so. Then he starts singing these love songs over and over and stopping to listen to them in his car before he gets out. Same thing he was doing before I caught him cheating before, but I put up surveillance again and Lo and behold, watching porn again. Such a liar. So you know the old saying if you lie, you cheat, so I am pretty sure he’s cheating.
When I couldn’t take it anymore holding this knowledge of his lies for so long I finally let him know I was aware he was watching porn. He lied and said he wasn’t and I looked at him and said “I know for a fact you are.” I got up and left.
So, HE is the one violating the marriage but I’M the one being punished by him and now his distant behavior, listening to love songs not wanting to say I love you is pointing to another affair. Either back with the whore or another one. I would bet my bottom dollar he cheated on his 1st wife, fiancee and any other woman he has been with before me. He kept moving from school to school and even his kids without skipping a beat say he was always gone past midnight like it was no big deal. He was a principal of schools! No principal has any damn reason in the world to be away from his family past midnight.
It hurts the way he treats me. I read the patterns and he is nothing new I see. Same rhythmic patterns. Drawing you in with all the romance and deep sincerity having you head over heals, making you feel like you are the most important thing in the world, then when he has you the real him comes out and he starts acting like you were never an item, the sex is horrible or non existent( cause he’s too busy cheating or masturbating) he flirts unabashedly and makes you out to be crazy if you complain, turns everyone against you which is easy because he has charmed the pants off of every woman in the community and the men think he is pretty fab also, blames you for everything bad in the relationship and then tries to discard you because you are constantly pleading with him to stop flirting, porning and cheating!! I know he would love to get rid of me and he gets away with everything! AND he gets to hurt more women! How is this fair?
Mrs Narc,
I empathise.Your story sounds exactly like mine and so many others.It is like they all follow a pattern and are cookie cutter replicas of each other.After months of despair, suicidal ideation,a miscarriage and having been given the “friend card” almost a year ago, I have resigned myself to the fact I can only change myself.I am aware he cheats,lies and is addicted to porn and is selfish beyond anything I have ever encountered.I just accept that I have choices and if it brings me misery- which it has- I can leave.Instead, as I mwntioned
Mrs Narc,
I empathise.Your story sounds exactly like mine and so many others.It is like they all follow a pattern and are cookie cutter replicas of each other.After months of despair, suicidal ideation,a miscarriage and having been given the “friend card” almost a year ago, I have resigned myself to the fact I can only change myself.I am aware he cheats,lies and is addicted to porn and is selfish beyond anything I have ever encountered.I just accept that I have choices and if it brings me misery- which it has- I can leave.Instead, as I mentioned,I am working on myself,I have largely changed the way I react.I am aware of all his repugnant ways but I detach from the pain and focus on the parts,of the relationship which I enjoy…the communication,shared interests etc. For now I can exist like this, I even see communication coming in incessantly from girls, am aware he is on numerous dating sites and arranged marriage sites.What can I do? If all these things have not changed how I feel about him there is no point inflaming him…as we all know, when confronted with the truth only a retaliatory rage attack results.I am sure that in time I will gain the self esteem to cease existing as a doormat, for now I will continue detachment as an interim measure.It may not be ideal, but after reading books material on trauma bonding..emotional rape syndrome and endless google scholar searches on personality disorders,it is the best I can do for my sanity for now.I hope you find a solution for your despair, the hooks of the personality disordered travel deep, no counsellor..friend or family member has been able to unhook me.I think the secret is for each of us to discover our own methods to get through; especially when the prospect of no contact is all too much to bear.
“I learned that once he ‘devalued’ me as a source of supply I was easily discarded and replaced by a perceived better supply”
omg my exact situation! i went to Jamaica for 2 weeks and when i returned i felt the distance -i knew there was someone else..it was never just me and grew increasingly distant-stopped answering my calls and texts and of course extremley cold didnt care about my feelings or me at all -he found someone better a doctor and hes an uneducated bastard so he thinks he hit the jackpot they married a few months ago and the whole time hes been cheating -he wont ever change hes a disgusting pig i hate him and i know he’ll never ever make me happy put me first or be there for me the way that i need him but after a woman invests so much time and energy into a man especially one thats broken and needs fixing and you reap nothing except pain and a complete lack of empathy from the asshole its enough to wanna throw you over the edge, and on top of that i feel like since he got this upgrade this new shiny upgrade im nothing im nobody i cant compete my self esteem is down the toilet i feel like its too late for me to start over..im feeling so down i cant even hide my pain anymore hes literally brought out the worst in me. i beg and pray God everyday for his help to help me heal to bring someone good in my life but still its the same misery day in day out..
savannah my questions are
1)why do narcissists have selective memory-he now denies ever dating me! even though at one time he wanted to give me a ring and he wanted me to have his baby! and 2) how does childhood abandonment cause this disordered dysfunctional personality?
I am married to an NPD for 24 yrs. Took me a very long time to figure it all out, but we are still together due to the codependency. We are not romantic or sexual; more like business partners and siblings. It’s weird. Even worse, I have had a relationship on the side for 5 years, and only within the last 6 months did I realize this man has NPD, too. I will probably keep him around for sex until he repulses me completely.
Thanks for sharing your story. And I will add to the comments how it really sounds so similar to my story.. It’s truly bewildering how similar a narcissists traits are for many different people…
Was anyone ever scared when they finally stopped contact with their ex? I’ve broke up ad got back probably a dozen times with mine and each time I feel scared.. I want this to be the final break and I’m making a huge choice to my speak to him ever again, but I feel scared he will stalk me or hurt me or my family (he stalked me in the past, but now we’re at the devalued part of the cycle so Im pretty confident he could care less) but I still feel scared.. Can anyone relate?
I was wondering if to leave is it safer to just leave or tell him first. I have threatened divorce but do not know what to expect. Last weekend he threanened to hit me when he was yelling at me “your luckt that is all IDo to you”. Any ideas?
OMG, you could be writing **my** story. It went down RXACTLY how yours did, after 20 years in a relationship (19 of them married). I was completely blindsided. My parents were married for 48 years, truly “’til death us do part,” and I thought after being married for so long that we’d be able to work through any problems. The first year was rough (I was completely unprepared to be starting over again in my mid-50’s), but now, at 4 years out, I’m healthier and happier and in a new relationship with a non-Narc. But…20 prime years of my life gone. I wish there was some kind of retribution, but I now it will never come. There are always new suckers willing to believe his song and dance and “drink the Kool-Aid.” I am just thankful to be off the crazy merry-go-round.
KarenS is just like me. She took ALL the prime years of my life (19 to 49). Married 28 years together 30. She asked me 4 months ago. EXACTLY, WORD FOR WORD like in the article. Very scary. I’m so very alone. You give me hope.
It’s so interesting how narcissists ALL follow the same mold. We survivors also suffer in the same ways. I am 4 moths out of a 3 year relationship and I am starting to feel repulsed at the thought of him. He came on strong, but due to the fact that he was newly out of a relationship, he would use that as a way to not commit. We would be together virtually everyday, everyone thought of us as a couple, yet he still couldn’t call us a “couple.” This gave him the freedom to “play.” After I broke up with him 4 times, saying that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with a man who needed to be with others, he said he wanted to be “exclusive.” So, we forged ahead. He meshed totally into all areas of my life. We were creative partners, he moved into my house ( while keeping his flat) and we spent virtually every moment together. All was not perfect because he would occasionally leave to spend a few nights at his apartment. I wouldn’t hear from him and I would panic. I would imagine that he had met someone, or one of his “playmates” would be in town to help him explore his sexual boundaries etc. I would work myself up into hysteria. The thought of losing him, the fear of abandonment was shear torture. Then he’d call, and tell me how much he missed me and he was on his way home. The sound of his voice was like a fix. My stability was restored. I knew that if I asked him what he had done in his time away, I would have been met with a cold shoulder and he would pull away further. I had been punished like this before. I was now well trained. If I wanted to keep my man, my creative partner, my best friend, then I’d have to stay silent. Jealous was a very unflattering trait and implied possessiveness, which would not be tolerated. I had been punished many times for inquiring about his many many endless Facebook “friends” and their open declarations of love and deep affection. Meanwhile, unlike at the beginning of our relationship, sex was non existent even though he knew that I wanted it. We had “mechanical” sex once a month, maybe. Very close to the end of our relationship, he returned back to me after one of his disappearing acts. He undressed and I noticed that his entire body was shaved. “Play-date,” I inquired? He responded defensively, “WHAT?” followed by a very could shoulder and no kiss goodnight. My intuition was screaming at me! So, in the rare unguarded moment, I seized his phone. I had to do it to preserve my sanity. What I discovered was 100% worse than I could have imagined. The Facebook friends were in fact intimate acquaintances and wanna be girlfriends. He had email responses from ads he had posted for hookups with multiple men on craigslist. He had texts from strangers (men and women) he was having random sex with and then their was the bookmark that went to an animal porn sight. Of course there were numerous bookmarks to porn sites and sexual hookup sites like adult friend finder. My man seemed to be EVERYONE’s man! I broke up with him. My ex N must be suffering from a serious case of self-loathing. Only a man who hates himself enormously could be living such a shameless double life. When I get a flashback, a memory of a good time, I tell myself, “You can’t lose what you never had.” He was a mirage, a pretend man who sucked up my light so that he could be creative and shine light onto the world. He is a lier and void of any kind of feeling, an empty vessel with no bottom. He sure has his act down though. I believed him as I am sure are the women and men he is currently vampiring. The thing is, he’s in his mid 50’s now and the gig is almost up for him. Age is to a narcissist, what light is to a vampire and like a vampire this narc will certainly live out his final days lurking in the dark, while I wise with the sun!
I’m really struggling I have 2 children to him and have been with him 10years .I recently lost weight and started taking care of myself which he says he likes but I know am getting punished in subtle ways for it the last 6months have been horrendous and he did attack me the other night and left serious bruises he seemed sorry but one week later he is playing mind games again .I cant cope.
Do to the similarity of all of our stories, are there any professional groups that meet in person to provide support?
OH MY GOD!! This lady was in a relationship with the devil himself
i read your article and loave it so much ,thank you so much.
I can’t wait to read part 2. I was married to a narcisstic/bipolar man for 20 years
I never thought he would cheat but 10 yrs in he had an affair with a coworker I found out and he was sorry. 10 more years and his behaviors got worse in our 20th year he had another affair with a diiferent married coworker – this time he wasnt sorry and our divorce was a nightmare. I was so broken. I went to weekly therapy and slowly healed. Well who comes back into my life my ex. He used our then 17 yr old to get into my good graces. My mom had recently died and I needed help moving etc. Little by little we got closer and before i knew we were a couple. I was elated my prayers were answered. Well 2 years in hes cheating lying and just like before the cycle started. Cut off from sex – saying hed be by hed never show. He said he was in a funk. ALL LIES. He yet again had my replacement I was done. I am broken again and cant believe its happened again. The cycle will just keep going no matter who he is with – that I know. I will heal and get strong it will take time
Everyone loves a second chance, but when you are on your 3rd, 4th, 5th – there’s a pattern. Don’t beat yourself up though – these guys are skilled liars and manipulators. Every time they come back dripping with a false sincerity and you are the one that gets burned. Read my blog on Co-Dependency, I think it will really help. The only way your situation changes is if you change it, because this pattern will continue for as long as you allow it. You have to come to the realization that you deserve to be happy, loved and respected and every time you let this guy back into your life all you’re going to get is more of the same. Stick up for you because no one else will – that’s your job. It’s better to be alone than with someone that doesn’t treat you with love, care and respect. It’s amazing how similar everyone’s story really is. The more we talk about the more awareness we all have to make better relationship decisions.