“Be impeccable with your word,” it’s one of Miguel Ruiz’s principles to creating a happy and balanced life, which he illustrates in his best-selling book, the Four Agreements. I had a number of incidents happen over the last little while that really got me thinking about the importance of keeping your word and why some people don’t.
We’re all guilty of it, we make plans and bow out last minute, giving the lamest of excuses. We’ve said yes when we really wanted to say no. My worst offence, I remember vividly, happened about 7 years ago. A friend invited me over to her house for dinner via email. I accepted and when the day came, midway through my work day I felt tired and the idea of a bubble bath had more appeal than an evening of socializing, so I sent her an email three hours before I was to arrive and told her I wasn’t feeling well and that I couldn’t make it.
Later that evening I received an email from her telling me that they waited for me for almost an hour, then she looked at her email and realized I wasn’t coming. I felt lower than low. Not only did I cancel last minute, I also did it via lazy communication – like I was afraid to incur her wrath by communicating live. Six weeks later I emailed about something I thought she’d be interested in – she never responded and I never heard from her again.
As I continued on my path to healing I started to spend time with healthy people and I noticed that if they said they were going to do something you could always depend that it would get done – they were as dependable as time. There was no guess work, no fear or anxiety – just stability and dependability.
Several months ago an acquaintance messaged me on Facebook. She had started reading my blog and said, “I think I need to book a Skype appointment with you.” I said to her that she was a friend and that she didn’t need to pay me and I suggested that we have dinner and talk instead. We made our dinner plans for Monday and over the next couple of days I had turned down several Skype requests from others for that evening.
As the time approached on Monday I messaged her on Facebook and said, “So are we still on for tonight?” Her response was, “Actually no I have a meeting tonight. I forgot.” It was the lamest of excuses and we both knew that it was an excuse. The fact that she hadn’t messaged me all day until I messaged her was telling. The fact that I had turned down other clients to accommodate her and the fact that she initiated this meeting made me pretty upset. I haven’t heard from her since and I realized that when people are shitty and they behave in a disrespectful manner they will disappear because they don’t want to have to own their own behavior.
Had she requested another appointment with me I would have refused and not gone out of my way to help someone that clearly didn’t respect me or my time.
Last weekend I attended the funeral of my 37 year old nephew. His father/my brother was married and moved out of the house before I could remember him ever being there. I was close in age to my nephew, but I had been estranged from them all for a long time. My brother is one of those people whose toxicity is so palpable that I had to cut them all out of my life. I hadn’t spoken to this nephew in seven years and the whole event was very sad. One positive I took away from it was that I got to see my 30 year old niece. Later that evening she sent me a lovely email expressing her hope that we could build a relationship. This young lady has 3 children – her first when she was 16. She spent the next decade hoping her Narcissistic baby daddy would finally stop seeing other women and pick her. He had six children by other women by the time she had her first – that number is probably about 15 or higher. So this young lady would definitely benefit by hearing what I had to say, so I emailed her back, sent her a link to my website and invited her to dinner on the weekend.
It’s Sunday as I write this blog, a week has gone by, my invite ignored and I haven’t heard from her since.
Most of my clients are really good at keeping their appointments, but I do have one who thinks nothing of not following the rules I’ve laid out and canceling on me last minute. In fact she did it again just last week.
All this started me thinking – why do people make commitments and then not follow through? I thought about it for some time and came up with the following reasons:
- the person is on the spot and doesn’t want to be rude to your face/afraid to say no/dislike confrontation
- the person is depressed and just wants to hide out in their home under the covers
- the person starts out meaning to, but as the event grows closer they feel tired and just want to stay home
- they got a better offer
- they disrespect you
- they disrespect the activity
- they become overwhelmed by their emotions and are unable to function or react normally
Codependents are quite often the perpetrators of not keeping their word and the victims of others not keeping theirs. Depression, isolation, fear and an ineffective communication system often drive good people to act without integrity.
When you don’t keep your word others view you as unstable and as someone they cannot trust and very often that’s all the chances you’ll get. If you burn a healthy person once you very likely won’t get another invite or another opportunity to do it again. Actions always speak louder than words and if your actions indicate that you’re wishy-washy with your commitments, people will view you the same way.
As I’ve continued on my journey I’ve recognized the importance of integrity in all aspects of my life. I’ve tried to become the person that others can count on. A big part of this was learning how to communicate effectively.
- When I made a commitment to do something, I followed through with it – even if I didn’t feel like it at the time.
- If I wasn’t sure at the time I was being asked – I made that understood by saying. I’m not sure if I can make it. I’ll let you know.
- And if I didn’t want to, I said no immediately, without any qualms about how the asker would feel about it.
This may all seem like common sense or common courtesy, but you would be surprised by how many people don’t operate in this manner. When you are a people pleaser you may too often say yes when you really mean no, what ends up happening is you will start to lose people, because healthy people don’t want to spend time with unhealthy people – people they can’t trust or depend on. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say is a practice all codependents should get in the habit of doing. Practice expressing your needs, practice living with integrity and practice self-care.
My big boss came into my office last week. He was pretty upset. He had put his faith in someone and had given them a task to do. The person didn’t do it. He said to me when I ask Mark (his number one guy) to do something I don’t have to worry about it – I know it will be done, but this guy has just proven to me that I can’t trust him. Being someone that can be trusted is huge in the corporate sphere too. It’s something that all employers look for in their rising stars.
The more you practice being stable and responsible the more intolerant you will become of those who don’t keep their word and aren’t trustworthy. When you get in the habit of living with integrity you will no longer be interested in those who make their living off of lying and manipulating – you’ll be too busy getting promoted and enjoying dinner parties with awesome friends that you can trust.
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You are a beautiful writer, nice to meet you, I can agree on what you said. It was a good read. Thanks.
Hi
I do look forward to the new posts here. I’ve just managed to detach myself from my N who I hadn’t realised had been playing me for nearly three years.
I wish I could claim the moral high ground in all of this but I can’t (I was not being honest with someone else at the time).
What I wanted to say was that the question of keeping your word is very important to me and when my N at a very early stage in our relationship agreed and actually helped to set up a trip away for a weekend at a festival which celebrated a pastime we both shared a passion for (nearly a year in advance) I was elated.
Gradually though over the next few months I sensed she was trying to find any reason not to go. we were still very much together (I thought) but that was where my nagging doubts started. Those doubts never left me but merely became bigger and bigger. In fact to cut a long story short a couple of months before the event (which had cost me a great deal of money to set up) she announced that perhaps we shouldn’t go.This wasn’t to say our relationship had changed she advised,it was just the trip.
Instead of showing my annoyance I simply agreed and said I’d arrange to sell the tickets. Whilst I was setting the advert up, she contacted me and told me that a friend of hers might buy them from me. The only time I showed her my own view was when I said I guessed that at least I could probably turn a profit on the sale and then she told me her friend probaly wouldn’t pay over the face value.
I did sell the tickets, and several months after (she was away from home – and me – at the date of the Festival) when the subject came up in conversation she told me she thought I was OK with not going as I’d apparently said that it was a good thing we’d not gone!
Well, I don’t remember saying that…. but at least she could appaer not to have been the one that didn’t want to commit to her earlier promise.
So there, at last I look back and see the bits that neverr really added up (and there’s lots of them) and now I understand it wasn’t always my fault that things didn’t go as expected…… even though my N always made it look that way.
Actually, now I feel more stupid than hurt….. at least I’m beginning to see through her smokescreen and am able to see things as they were, not as I was brainwashed into believing…. I’m not perfect by any means, but I know now I’m not ALWAYS wrong.
Thanks for a brilliant BB…I’ve been helped so much over the last year.
This is the first time I’ve heard that you have a brother (NP?) that you are estranged from. I’d love to hear more about that relationship and how you severed ties. There is a lot out there about narcissistic boyfriends/girlfriends, but not much on family. If you have written about it before, I apologize – I’ve read most of your blog, but not all. I might have missed one.
I really identified with this post as well. I’ve been this kind of person too. Thank you for addressing this!
I am a retired Speech Pathologist. Communication will continue to decline as technology makes it too easy to cancel plans at a whims notice. “Be impeccable with your word ” , is a very good motto to live by. Your articles are excellent. Thank you.
I am a person that keeps her word pretty much until it comes to family. My family is pretty toxic and I avoid them at all costs. It’s a battleground when I go around them. I don’t need the added stress to my life it’s complicated enough. Getting over a narcissistic relationship and dealing with my daughter’s wedding along with a baby shower for my first grandchild is overwhelming enough! I’ve gone to counseling but didn’t help, seemed like I talked the whole time but no help from the counselor other than being offered medication. I don’t need meds, he does! I always kept my word in the things I committed to including with the nasty relationship. I had a friend for 50 years that has so many issues that when I tried to talk to her, she turned the subject around and it became all about her. I work at a very busy doctors office and I don’t have time to communicate with friends. When I get home I crash due to my fibromyalgia. She never called me and checked on me and she doesn’t work. I went by to see her, because I told her I would but she didn’t answer the door. She no longer wants to be friends because I don’t pay attention to her problems but she fails to see mine. I committed to her when she needed a friend but I didn’t get that back from her when I needed her. Commitments mean a lot to people that you value, only if they want you in their life. If you don’t perform to their standards they kick you to the curb. Not much of a friend, you think?
Thank you for this, Savannah. It’s an important blog post and really got me thinking.
I had a nervous breakdown because of the lack of integrity and manipulation of someone I was falling in love with at a crucial time a year ago. He didn’t keep his word and it really was a case of talking being cheap.
I’ve spent the last year dealing with the fallout and the only good thing I can say is that I was finally diagnosed with complex-PTSD. So now I can deal with that condition and have been.
Integrity is enormously important to me and I certainly used it in my dealings with him.
But this blog got me thinking about having let down others, particularly in the last year when I was not saying “no” and really needed to be as I fought to be well again.
I burned one bridge in particular that makes me feel badly.
The fight is still ongoing and I am being treated for trauma — the man last year was a trigger, not the whole source of the disease. But he confessed to me at the time that I couldn’t trust him and his moral compass was “off” and the past year has partly been about how important personal ethics and keeping your word is to me.
Things aren’t fully better yet, but I am keeping my word, especially to myself.
And you are right, many have enormous trouble with this and are very casual about this, something so important.
Thanks for looking at this. It’s important.
I have lots of work to do. I often feel that I am doing people a favor by cancelling. As I see my invites to events dwindle, I’m realizing that I need to make some real changes.
Excellent comments. I just have to say that I work with youth and I have discovered that the more ways we have to communicate through technology, the less communication we get. The exact issues of ignoring calls, not returning texts and refusing to commit even at the last minute, are an accepted part of society. Even their parents behave the same way! This article is a good reminder that we each have the responsibility to be “people of our word” and that communication does take work. Now – as a people pleaser (big time) my struggle is always to remember that the bad manners and issues of others isn’t my fault. My ex-narc knew exactly where my weaknesses were!!
About the aspect of being a people pleaser, I reckon I became one because almost everyone in my life wouldn never take no for an answer. If I gave a genuine response as to why I couldn’t or didn’t want to do something I’d get all my arguments shot down and be nagged at until I gave in. I learnt that it was easier to say yes and then hide behind the settee, metaphorically speaking, when the time came, lol.
I’ve still got some work to do on keeping my word, as I have disabilities and health problems which make keeping promises difficult. I’m managing to be more honest about that, and can explain that I can’t make definite arrangements due to my circumstances. I still occasionally sometimes say I’ll do something when I’m feeling well then let others down though, which I don’t feel good about, but being able to say no in the first place, and mean it, is something I’ve been able to do for a while now. It does take practice, mind. I think the best thing I learnt is to keep promises to myself, as that’s been an important factor in trusting myself and my own instincts.
Thanks for a great article, Savannah. 🙂