If you don’t initially wish your cheating Narcissist ill will after they’ve left you for another, you are probably among the minority. A lot of us struggle with the betrayal and the hurt. Persistent images of the two of them together are normal and so too, is the fear that they will be happy together and that you will be the one, who is left all alone, wallowing in misery and despair.
To want justice is normal. We want to know that there is some Universal Force out there, that knows all, that will exact some sort of cosmic justice, revenge or Karma on our behalf. We want fairness. We’re outraged that they got off scot free after committing the most horrific relationship crimes, while we are still trying to understand what happened and put the pieces back together.
The Breakdown
Author and Buddhist Monk Pema Chodron is my absolute favorite author for dealing with this kind of trauma. Her book, When Things Fall Apart, was literally handed to me, long before Oprah fell in love with her. She teaches that the medicine is in the pain. That there is no way around the pain but through it, that we have to sit with it and become comfortable with it. As we do that, as we get closer to pain and fear, it loses its power over us. We’re no longer afraid of it, afraid of being abandoned, afraid of not being strong enough to get through it. When we move closer to fear and pain we realize that it cannot defeat us, that we are stronger than our pain and stronger than our fear. A feeling of invincibility arises in us. A strength that we didn’t even know we possessed rises up and leads us out of despair and into a much better place, full of spirituality, depth and meaning.
So let yourself fall apart. Allow yourself to cry, to be sad – to feel whatever you are feeling and then sit with it. Marinate in it for a while and know that this breakdown will lead you to a breakthrough. Be mindful and aware as you just let yourself feel. Trust in the stories of those who have gone through it before. The pain and discomfort are temporary. The most important thing to remember in this phase is to remain in no contact.
You will have those disturbing thoughts of your ex and his new partner. It’s inevitable, so don’t beat yourself up for that. It’s not weakness. I described it at the time that I was experiencing it, as a monkey swinging around my brain that I couldn’t control and the more I tried to put a leash on its movements, the more it showed me who was really in control. I would have these flash visions of them together – making love and being happy. It would drive me crazy.
When this happens and those thoughts come, gently bring another thought to your mind and let yourself focus on something else. They will come back, so you will mindfully have to nudge them out every time they appear. The more you do this, the less frequently they will show up and eventually it will stop altogether.
The Monster Inside
Couples stay together through the tough times in life because of loyalty, connection, commitment, love and integrity. A Narcissist isn’t encumbered with these things. To them these words have no meaning. I remember struggling to understand how my partner could do this to me. Where was the loyalty? Where was the compassion, the love, the commitment? How could these things mean nothing? How could I mean nothing? Why didn’t I know that he was pretending?
I asked myself all of these questions over and over again. When I finally realized that he was not dealing with the same emotional deck that I was, it all started to make sense. Everyone that studies Narcissists knows that their primary objective is to seek out Narcissistic Supply. It is their drug and without it they are weak, depressed, full of doubts, insecurity, anxiety and they become withdrawn and miserable – much of the same symptoms a drug addict experiences going through a withdrawal. All supply will eventually lose its potency though and the Narcissist will always have to seek out other sources. This is an exhausting job and why the Narcissist likes to retain relationships with former supply.
Feeding this monster is all consuming. It’s all they think about and all they care about. It is the main focus of their lives and it always will be – it’s always there and it’s always hungry. Gaining supply is the only way Narcissists feel their brand of normal.
The pieces are interchangeable. You, me, the woman, or man down the street – we are all just pawns in the Narcissist’s game. Hurting you was likely not something they wished to do, but you are unfortunately collateral damage on their quest for more and more supply. Are they aware that they are hurting you? – Yes. Do they know it’s wrong? – Yes. But they don’t care. This monster needs to be fed – and feeding it takes precedence over everything else. It’s importance is so great that they will lie, cheat, manipulate and con their way to get it. They create elaborate defense mechanisms to justify what they’re doing and to make their behavior all your fault. This helps them to alleviate any anxiety about being perceived as the bad guy.
Part of going through this process is understanding that there is nothing that you could have done differently. It wasn’t your fault. Accepting this is the breakthrough that this realization will give you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have work to do yourself, but it gives you a glimpse of the bigger picture of what really happened.
Breaking Free – We Just Have to Focus on Our Game
It’s my favorite time of year – hockey playoff season. All good athletes have their sports clichés that they diligently spout off to reporters. One of my favorites is, “We can’t worry about what the other team is doing. We just have to focus on our game.”
When we’ve gone through the phases of having an emotional breakdown, it’s then usually followed by an emotional breakthrough, which then hopefully leads us to emotionally breaking free.
Do I still think of my ex Narcissist? Sure, once in a blue moon he’ll pop into my head. I know that he married the woman that he cheated on me with, that they both betrayed their partners, that they had a child and bought a house together.
Does it bother me? – No, not even remotely. Here’s why: The man that he was, with me, was awful. My life with him was awful. He was emotionally fragile, constantly needed to be puffed up and taken care of, always looking for people to tell him how good looking, talented, and brilliant he was. It was exhausting. He was looking for a mother in his woman – he wanted to be fawned over- babied – that kind of man repulses me. He was a parasite and his mom, a doctor, always had to bail him out financially. Everything was always all about him. The way his mother gushed all over him was nauseating. He was lazy, insecure and always needed to be the center of attention. It was pathetic. That man was not the man of my dreams. He was/is definitely not the one for me. Being with him was indicative of my emotional state at the time. If a man like that walked into my life now, it would so repulse me that I would probably start dry heaving.
I can imagine that my ex’s two step children from his wife’s previous marriage were/are a constant source of irritation for him. They would be rivals for their mother’s attention/supply and I can just imagine the temper tantrums that my ex Narcissist would throw, the awful position that would put her in and how her children must feel. I remember the way he tried to control me – to isolate me from my family and my friends, how he would make me choose, how he would insult me and make me feel worthless, in an attempt to erode my self-esteem. Do I envy her – no – no and then I said no some more.
Do I think he’s a different guy with her? – Not on your life. The only thing that I said to this woman was, “I can’t wait until everything is all your fault.” Now it is. Now he’s her problem. I got to walk away and be free of him. She inherited this dysfunctional mess of a man. She probably laughed and felt pretty good about herself in the beginning. She probably isn’t feeling that way now.
It’s been a long time – I’m sure her supply has long since lost its potency and I’m sure he is always in search of other sources. As Shakira says in her song Don’t Bother, “The ring you gave to her will lose it’s shine.” And I’m sure it has. At this stage of my journey knowing that doesn’t bring me any joy. There are innocent children in the center of his dysfunctional mess and I actually hope he has become a better person for their sake, but I wouldn’t bet on it.
There will come a point where you have to focus on your game and not worry about the other team. Even if your ex and his new partner look happy – you weren’t. The two of you were not a good fit for whatever reason and that’s all that really matters. Hopefully you will get to a stage where you can wish them well, but in the interim, take your thoughts off of them and place them on your life, your goals and your dreams.
You were given a gift. All journeys lead us to a better understanding and to lessons we were meant to learn. This pain you’ve experienced is actually your catalyst to this lesson. It’s why we’re here. It’s what makes us better, stronger and brings us closer to our true selves. I got to go on this journey of self-discovery – my ex Narcissist never will and that’s just sad. He’s stuck and will forever be.
I’ll leave you with a gorgeous poem. It was written by an Esteemology reader, who goes by the handle Hurtin Cowboy:
If we could hold you in our arms,
We would,
We would.
If we can fold you into our prayers
We will,
We will.
The one who hurt you – cannot help you.
Your voice cries out
And the near one, damaged, indifferent, unkind – cannot hear
Or chooses not to.
But we,
Though far away,
Whose names you mostly will never know –
We hear you.
We really do.
We too have felt like you,
Thinking “it’s too much, I am wild in this pain, I am writhing like an exposed nerve. I can’t take it anymore.”
Or “I will hurt him (or her) make him feel the raw pain I have endured, make him suffer as I have.”
Like you we will never do it.
But we have thought it, from inside our cage of searing pain.
Write it down.
Get it out.
Get the closure you so badly need
But get it here, with us.
You cannot get it from the one who hurt you,
There is nothing there but an empty echo of your own loss and grief.
Come here.
Come home.
Come with us,
And we will all heal
Together
Your Comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subscribe to our mailing list and get our weekly posts right to your inbox and like us on Facebook to get our weekly quotes, quizzes and updates.
Image Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Thank you. I am in the dark current pit of this exact situation. I left my narcissist x 6 months ago. These are hard yet comforting words that validate my intense grief, but my gratitude that I finally loved myself more than to stay one more nanosecond in that sick and twisted situation. And thank you for giving me hope that I will heal from the hurt and hate because right now that seems so far away. I’m going to keep this and read it over and over again.
Please pray for me.
This really spoke to me. Pema Chodron’s book, When Things Fall Apart, helped me to embrace Buddhism and meditation as means of healing.
You do need to lean into the pain to learn. Her next book The Places That Scare You continues along the same line: Face your pain to overcome it.
Only recently did I find a video of Pema Chodron. She said she wrote the book because she hated her husband for walking out on her one day for another. Though she didn’t say it, I’m guessing he was a narc. It all comes full circle
Thank you Savannah for this article, and thank you Hurtin Cowboy for that beautiful poem
Do you think that narcissist’s are aware of what they are doing? I know they don’t think in terms of “supply,” but as they look back over the course of their love lives, don’t they realize the wreckage they’ve caused in not only others, but, their own lives. Mine always talked about wanting to find his true love and to be married, but his limit in a relationship was 2 years. Of course, it was always the woman’s fault, but I had opportunity to talk with some of these women and the story was always the same. He would eventually get caught cheating on them. I caught him cheating on me twice; the first time, I forgave him, the second time, I walked away. He was able to actually convince me the first time that he cheated because he never felt truly loved by me, so what did I do? Tried to love him better. I knew he would manipulate me the second time, so I went NC before he got the chance. It’s been four months and I’m finally starting to feel better. He sells his stories so convincingly that I wonder if he actually believes his lies. I’m curious as to your thoughts on this. He was so defensive and “hurt” when I would accuse him of lying, then when caught red-handed, he would blame me. He seemed to actually believe the crap he was selling.
I met a Muslim Iraqi guy on POF, at first he would bring me flowers to my work. On our 2nd date he brought me a gift. He did all the right things like brought me a bear and snacks when we were staying in to watch a movie. All the things I dreamed of and hoped for in a guy! He even bought my coworkers lunch and Starbucks sometimes. Then, he started saying his ex was suicidal about him and that her dad was contacting him and he felt the need to go back to Iraq to fix the situation. He ended up getting engaged to her and he broke my heart! How could you get engaged to someone you told me a million times you didn’t love anymore? Anyway, I took him back after they broke that off quickly and he even told his mom in Iraq about me and I would always talk to her. I also, of course, met all his friends. So I knew he was serious about me. He even bought me a car, which I kept telling him I didn’t need but he insisted on my birthday. We were together for 2 years. At one point, I went through his phone and saw 65
messages to girls on POF with him telling them how hot they were. I was broken and cried and cried at work and everywhere. So he bought me a puppy. I took him back. Then he just all of a sudden started hating me and saying I always say bad words to him, which was because I never got over him messaging all of those girls behind my back, which I had also caught him doing on Facebook..like telling girls he was single and that his last relationship was his first ex and disregarding our relationship completely. Anyways, I discovered he had another POF account again. I kept telling him to get off what kind of person is he? How could he be so heartless (he has always been heartless and angry and would block me and leave me abruptly for no reason our whole relationship). I made up a fake profile and convinced him to meet me, I just wanted to see if he was all talk and if he would actually meet someone because he would always say “it’s not like I met anyone or slept with anyone.” And today, sure enough he was at the Starbucks the fake girl told him to meet her. And that’s it. I can never speak to him after this. I’ve kept saying this, but he would always come by with food or my favorite smoothie. We live in the same apartment complex and I just need to get out of here! I know I deserve better. I’ve always known, but I “love” him. He was perfect except for the 900 red flags he did that I would keep brushing under the rug because I hate being without a boyfriend especially since I don’t know anyone else in this state. There’s a lot more, but I’m 33 and I just can’t do this anymore. He’s sick in the head plus a narcissist I’m pretty sure. How can you tell someone you love them while simultaneously messaging random girls on POF. And I begged him to take down his dating profile but he would always say “not until you apologize to my friends and my mom.” He wanted me to apologize to his friends because after I saw his profile I made one for myself and he said that his friends saw it and made fun of him because I wasn’t loyal. And he wanted me to apologize to his mom because I called him a mother f*er. Which by the way I never cuss, but this guy made me with his constant cold heart and blocking whenever I needed him the most. He was always so unsupportive, called me fat with a big belly, and then would come back and say “I don’t want to lose you.” It’s still painful even though I know he’s the worst guy ever, because he was convenient for me since he would always come fix my car if needed or help me with things, and pay for things. I’m not a gold digger but it was so helpful to me and it made me feel loved. It was just a bad experience and I feel like I’ll never find love and that a guy will always look for something better like he was doing. I think he was also with his ex when he met me, but was acting like he was single. He was trying to stay with me until he found someone new and would throw me away, but I can’t let that happen. There’s a lot more to say, but I just want people to know even though he’s a huge a-hole that I’m still hurting and wasted 2 years even though some of it felt good, even with all his temper tantrums and immatureness.
I am man that my girl friend clams. That I’m cheating and i am not she read all these things online like yours and this is causing me hell in my life what do I do she keeps leaving and coming back I think she is cheating what do
Love this site!!! Well, this is a real doozie. My best friend’s husband CHEATED yet again!! 3rd time is a charm! He was wooing yet another younger gal at the office filling her head with lies. The best is him saying any woman over 50 is basically useless. What a real peach of a man he is. Manipulation, triangulation, head games, blame games, drinking, abuse of antidepressants, got his jollies off spending tons of his business partners money without a care in the world, bankrupted two companies, got a younger woman pregnant, screwed over everyone at church, lied to everyone, mismanaged money like it was water coming out a tap he’d never have to pay back, the list never ends with him and no accountability, it was always her fault or his business partners fault, or the other woman’s fault, or his ex wives fault, or the frigging driver in front or behind him!!!! Always an excuse. He had one younger gal in 30’s contemplating suicide after dealing with him. Amazingly enough he thinks he’s so great nothing is ever his fault!!!! What a complete waste of time she uses on him!!!! It is so annoying!!
Wanted to say thank u for all the comments and this post I am trying to go no contact after 10 years I’ve recently found out he is facebook and emailing some lady in australia lol can’t even get someone in Texas lol anyway I am over the feeling of needing him or even wondering why he doesn’t care I’m just stuck on the random text and I try not to answer them but I do sometimes I know I shouldn’t I think we’ll I know it’s because I don’t want to see him parading any girl in front of our 7 year old I’m not ready and I know my daughter isn’t I don’t know what to do I’m stuck please help
Hi Savannah,
Thank you so much for the discussion of this topic on this website. Brilliant idea! I appreciated everyone’s comments, especially those relating to my part in the relationship, why I would be with a Narc anyway?!. I had to dig deep for the answer. I thought at first it was due to having imperfect parents, but imperfect or not, my parents never wanted me to think I did not deserve a great relationship, wasn’t important, or was not worthy of loVe, affection, attention, and support from my man. Amid all of my parents mistakes was Satan giving voice to what it all meant, a voice that only I could hear, and my parents could never correct not knowing. He said I didn’t deserve a better man, I needed to wait for the Narc to change, I was nothing and nobody. I accepted what he said. As a resilt, I have been abused in every way imaginable. I have been on the road to recovery for several years now, although I have had some short lived bouts with a couple of Narcs. It has been with the last Narc that I took a long look at myself and found that I needed to have Christ in that area that made me feel less and accepted less for myself. It wasn’t between me and my parents, though not perfect, I could truly say they had done the best they could. Healing needed to come due to the lies the devil was telling me about what I deserved, based on my experience with my separated parents. I accepted my adoption papers from Gal. 4:3-6. I feel wonderful. I think only of this great gift of adoption from God, how I am going yo benefit, and what I can share with others. There is no thought of the narcs and their lovers, only in prayer. I spent too much time there. Now, I look to the goodness of God in every situation. God bless you Savannah. Keep up the good work! In Jesus Name. Amen.
Hi Savannah,
Thank you so much for the discussion of this topic on this website. Brilliant idea! I appreciated everyone’s comments, especially those relating to my part in the relationship, why I would be with a Narc anyway?!. I had to dig deep for the answer. I thought at first it was due to having imperfect parents, but imperfect or not, my parents never wanted me to think I did not deserve a great relationship, wasn’t important, or was not worthy of loVe, affection, attention, and support from my man. Amid all of my parents mistakes was Satan giving voice to what it all meant, a voice that only I could hear, and my parents could never correct not knowing. He said I didn’t deserve a better man, I needed to wait for the Narc to change, I was nothing and nobody. I accepted what he said. As a resilt, I have been abused in every way imaginable. I have been on the road to recovery for several years now, although I have had some short lived bouts with a couple of Narcs. It has been with the last Narc that I took a long look at myself and found that I needed to have Christ in that area that made me feel less and accepted less for myself. It wasn’t between me and my parents, though not perfect, I could truly say they had done the best they could. Healing needed to come due to the lies the devil was telling me about what I deserved, based on my experience with my separated parents. I accepted my adoption papers from Gal. 4:3-6. I feel wonderful. I think only of this great gift of adoption from God, how I am going yo benefit, and what I can share with others. There is no thought of the narcs and their lovers, only in prayer. I spent too much time there. Now, I look to the goodness of God in every situation. God bless you Savannah. Keep up the good work! In Jesus Name. Amen.
I’m still reeling over the end of my relationship. We dated almost 2 years. During the 2 years there were numerous breakups and more times than not they were made out to be my fault.
Within a week of starting our relationship he broke it off with me and went back to his ex. Then came back and turned around and did it again. We had been together 2 months and the ex said she was pregnant with his baby. She was indeed pregnant. I talked him through it and told him I would help him any way I could and wouldn’t leave. The next day he stopped texting me. In was worried and stopped by his place. She was there. I confronted them both explained that if they were going to work out their relationship the was fine if not he needed to keep me in the loop. He slept with her after I left and told me it was my fault because I upset him. That shoulda been a red flag but I begged him to Stay with me. She ended up getting an abortion. There continued to be instances where he would say I was a horrible person, a bad mother, fat, disgusting, broken, and the list goes on and on. No matter how mean he was in would always beg him to Stay. Every time he would leave me he would run to Facebook and dating sites and contact women. He would tell that if I loved him I would stop him. So I would rush to him and comfort him. Smh. Like he was the one hurting. He broke my heart every time But I was the one who had to comfort him. Every time he would tell me he ran to women because I made him do it.
This last time beats them all. During Christmas we broke up yet again. He had this girl come to his house to “hangout”. Mind you he is a 30 year old man. She was 21. After a few days the girl told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. He text me and said “lucky for you she doesn’t want a relationship”. And there I ran right back to him. A few weeks later we found out that the girl didn’t want him because she was sleeping with his best friend (who is married). This started a chain reaction. My bf continuously talked about how he would get him back and how he would make him regret it. I explained to him that when he said that it hurt me and he would get aggravated and say this isn’t about you! So here we are. My bf left me…..for his best friends wife! This is how he is getting back at him! He’s vindictive and doesn’t care who he hurt or how he hurts them. I have 2 boys who thought the world of him and he just left without any explaination. He has a small son himself who I adore.
So there’s my story. I’m left with all kids of unanswered questions. How could you do this to someone? Build them up that they are the love of your life then break up with them and split a family apart through a text message. Throw away 2 years like it is nothing. Does he sound like a narcissist? Is this narcissist behavior? I need help. I can’t eat can’t sleep. Just started anxiety meds and depression meds. I just need answers.
Thank you for your article.Some of us blame ourselves from ignorance not even realizing that the love of our life is a narcissist until it’s too late to avoid emotional turmoil. I hope there are many who find your article for its valuable life saving information. I pray that no one makes my mistake twice with the same guy. After my sad divorce my ex came back to me thirty years later stating he had changed & I believed him because I wanted him back & thought he was finally going to be my hero. Wrong. He had another woman he wouldn’t leave thus making me the other woman to her. He told me one woman wasn’t enough for him & I should be willing to share him. Anxiety returned & I turned my life to God to survive the pain all over again. I hope others find your helpful truth & that no one ever succumbs as I did second time.
I met a toxic narc on POF 12/15. A liar from the second date,with numerous.profiles, followed by infidelity and constant deception.
My wake up call was getting phoned by a woman he was also dating, who got into his phone, discovering six other “exclusive” girlfriends.
Shortly after, I had a new Facebook friend. Logging on, I was stunned to see his friend, posting about MY boyfriend, with roses he gave her, gifts, etc. He was dating her for 9 months while with me, and not casually–they took a trip together! When I confronted him about the deception, he said I was crazy and she was just sex! Yet he never gave me a single gift or remembered special days with me. I treated him well, and lovingly. That did hurt, and he is history.
Don’t waste yourself on these monsters.
Fabulous article nobody but nobody can understand the insidious subtle,horrible messages that they constantly put into our heads unless they’ve been there & lived with it,
l for one am guilty of being pleased at one time with the flattery and the fake charm.of course that makes you feel nice and I think everyone at sometime has had that it is almost impossible to tell the difference between somebody who genuinely means it and somebody whos setting you up for a fall
Being absolutely honest though looking as far back as I can remember I can’t recall at any time actually liking and trusting him,that’s the thing I can’t understand,just so completely disregard your own instincts, and believe that you were in love with somebody …..I think that’s why we blame ourselves
I have read hundreds and hundreds of articles about Narcissism to a depth where I read and understood scientifically published psychology research and articles and after 3 months of an intense need to gain clarity none have made things so understood and clear and real and genuine and tremendously helpful as this article. I send much gratitude to all those involved in making this available to us and especially the epic poem. I am printing it out and putting it on my bathroom mirror. This helped me so so much and was just so real and authentic. I thank you. I don’t know why this article is so buried in google.
I have read hundreds of articles on sociopaths/ narcissists since I left my husband after 8 years of unparalleled torture and abuse, which I blamed myself for. It has helped me so much. Over the year and a half leading up to my leaving – a day which I just rented an Air BNB and never came home, because he beat me every time I threatened to leave – I discovered he had been cheating on me the whole time we were together, that he’d slept with dozens upon dozens of prostitutes, many online dating profiles, lie after lie after lie. The worst part was his total lack of compassion. I was willing to work on the marriage even after all these horrible discoveries, but once I found out the truth, the mask came off once and for all and I found myself living with a man who was unimaginably cruel and heartless. We went to marriage counselor after marriage counselor and they each told me the same thing – that they’d never seen anyone so lacking in remorse or understanding, that he would not change. But I held onto hope and continued to work on myself (meditation, spiritual growth, I started to reach out to women and form friendships). Two months after I left, he moved another woman into our home from another state, bought her a car and parades her shamelessly around all of our usual social circles, as if it’s no big deal. He continues to harass me as we negotiate our divorce. In spite of the PTSD symptoms I experience when I have any contact with him, I feel better and stronger and more confident than I’ve ever felt in my life. It’s such a relief to realize that I was never crazy, that my intuition was spot on, and that I had the strength to walk away. My life is incomparable today. I cannot wait to get through this divorce so I can go full no-contact. After 8 years it occurred to me that I’d been trying to decide if he was in fact a sociopath or narcissist and if that was the question on the table, what did it matter if he actually was or was not – why would I stay with that type of person? Now that I’ve left, I can see how textbook our relationship was. Every day is like Christmas since I’ve left.
I will sleep splendidly tonight after reading this. Thanks.
I needed this! I just recently went through a break up with a narcissist! His new girlfriend and him both cheated on their spouses. And it wrecked my brain trying to understand what I did wrong! He constantly blamed me and told me that it was because I had np time for him so he found it in someone else! And it hurt knowing the he tells her he loves her and makes her promises he cant keep. But I am on this journey to discovery and as much as id like to believe he will become this great man to her that he never was to me I have a hard time believing that! So ill take your advice and focus on my own game plan!
Greetings again~! wow, i am in the right place, it was no accident i stumbled here…..
thank you!
mandi
This is a great post. It really described the process of awakening to reality in a self-compassionate way and I appreciate the encouraging and supportive tone. I’ve felt very isolated and alone (mostly because I have been) in my struggles with my now ex so it helps to read this. Being emotionally entangled with a narcissist and/or sociopath is nothing short of a living hell.
From what I can see there are two parts to getting sucked into these kinds of relationships. 1.Unresolved issues within the person being used as supply and 2. The narcissists conning ways. There is no way to fix, heal or coerce a narcissist into becoming what you see in them and want them to “stay” as. There is no way to get them to become honest, respectful people. However, you CAN change you. No matter what they have said, done, lured you into saying and doing, no matter how many people they’ve destroyed your good name to, YOU are THE only one in control of you. And be forewarned they will use that line to twist and hurt you also! No words and almost no actions are off limits for a true narcissistic personality disordered individual. There were so many times I was told right after catching him cheating, catching him in big lies, being stood up by him etc. that he would calmly and rationally (sounding) tell me how I am too negative, how my life and happiness is my personal responsibility and no one is going to save me but me. He’d tell me how I was in control of my feelings and he would “save me” if he could, but that he can’t. It was all such infuriating patronizing and such a set-up that I’d end up responding in one of two ways: I’d either lose it completely and he’d laugh and say “told ya” and cold shoulder me until I could “apologize” and “act like an adult” OR I’d refuse to fall for it, yet have to stifle frustration, rage, sadness that I was being treated this way.
I’m bringing that up because if anyone reading this has or does experience similar, I want you to know that even when the words coming out of their mouth is sound and good advice, DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. Listen to yourself. Listen to others who know what it’s like to be treated so terribly. Listen to people with good intent.
It is true, my attitude and the steps I choose ARE up to me. Just no longer under the manipulation of someone like him. He is mentally deranged and I have to remind myself of that every time I start to feel bad or miss him. The people who advise to run away and never look back know the truth. That is what I’m doing currently and NEVER going back to that.
Thank you, with all the love in my heart, thank you for letting others know they are not alone. Most people in a bad breakup cannot understand the mind numbing hell narcs put us through, to the point they even go so far as to treat us less than a animal. To them we are a living breathing flesh light toy while they have no feelings what so ever or concern for the mental, physical, spiritual, metaphysical hell they inflict for fun on prey, simply a actor, overgrown horny child that gets pleasure in using those around them then twisting, beating or sexually torturing them into submission. To hell with my abuser, I hate him and hope he reaps what he sews.
My God. When realization hits you it’s like you suddenly woke up from a long long sleep. The last straw. Piecing it all together is a rewarding feeling. It’s me that’s real. He was a life long fake. 36 years married. 3 grown children a Granchild. His behaviour was bad when we were young. I was a bit scared as a young girl/wife. He hit on that. Made me feel that I needed him – to make the decisions etc. All the while I was doing all the donkey work. Years went by. Fun with the kids (he was always at work). Now the treatment I have pushed to being unimportant and usual is actually to a normal person (not wife/mother) is unacceptable. I suspected he was cheating once before. But he was clever. Hid his tracks so I was made to feel like I was going mad. But this time I confided in a friend who listened and told me to be strong. Write a log of events. I confronted him to then watch and listen and realise what he’d been doing for years. Lying manipulating confusing me. But once I could see it and realise that he is the needy one. Hating the rejection. I am backing him into a corner and tying him in knots. He didn’t think I had it in me. Heck. Where have I been all these years. Every emotion has come out of me but in private usually but I had a good teacher and used it to MY advantage.
I was in a long distance relationship with a married girl, who separated from her husband from a 7 year marriage to start up a relationship with me. In the beginning her goal was to leave her country & sell her business and finalize her divorce in order to unite our relationship. Although these were her plans, but they were not set in stone. As we go to knew each other, by being on the phone and visiting each other, we though and believed that we were meant to be no matter what. We both became deeply involved in each others lives, until the last time we saw eachother on a vacation in Greece. Turns out that she was talking to somebody while we were together & I didn’t know this until after she had broken up with me and admitted she would never move for me. I found out about this guy on her facebook page, and he was constantly commenting/liking/and posting things on her wall. After she broke up with me (2 weeks after Greece) there were residual feelings left in our 2 year relationship, and I couldn’t decide what to do with myself. I was in love with her and I wanted it to workout, but she had already made up her mind, and she told me that she would remain single and needs time to heal after this long and involving relationship. Turns out that she had this guy in her life and she was in contact with him and I confronted her about it, and she said that I don’t like him nor do I speak to him, he is just my friend. After this we had an argument & she blocked me from contacting her. Month later I found pictures of them together on instagram proving me to that I was right from the get go. she lied about everything and more and less cheated me, bc she was in fact talking to him while our relationship was nearing its end. I had the opportunity to confront her again over the phone, and she denies to me that what she did was not wrong, and she was clearly demonstrating a narcissitic attitude towards me. I was hurt and still am to learn that I was in love with her & she was deceitful to me while we were together. The victim will plea a non fault action here, as I did nothing wrong to her, but all I asked was her to be honest with me about him instead of lying and I found after. So basically I classify her as a lying/cheatful girl who doesn’t care about anything and only acts on impulsive behavior. Would any of you agree on this?
To @SafeFromHarm, Your comment is beautiful. You are beautiful!
Luck, love & light
RonsonPv@youtube.
To Wolfie: keep strong. The real question here is why are you so sure no one will ever look at you like that again. You are deserving. This whole experience is in your life to shine light on the real issue: your self esteem and your sence of deservingness. Him, another, these things will reappear until you ask yourself why these rid bits he through your way were so appealing and why you believe you may not find it again. If there is some parts in you you don’t like, change them. Diet, exercise, plastic surguey, spiritual healing, whatever works. Do it. Do it for yourself. Whatever feels good. But that part where you break up, thinking maybe you should’ve worked harder at that relationship and maybe you want to get back to it, that’s the problem. In this precice place you should think: “fuck you. I deserve better than you. I am better than you. You’ll see. I wil be happy “. Living well is the best revange. And that’s where you need to ask yourself ” why am I thinking the opposit thoughts”? Good luck and lots of love for you, I’m reeling after 3 years with a narc. And that’s what I think. ( its getting better every day).
( I also listen to Abraham Hicks a lot on you tube. )
Good luck and lots of love to you and all who wrote in this blog.
Thank you for writing this
Hello. My name is Shawne. I was married for 35 years to a man that I now believe was narcissistic. I have torn myself apart for the last five years, repeatedly beating up myself and never thinking that the damage could have come from him. It is remarkable how manipulative they are. So convincing, so real, so compelling. I am still reeling from the realization that I was taken in by this person. I loved him more than anything in the world, he became my world. That’s where this story begins. I finally divorced him after 35 years of marriage. I don’t even know who I am as a person, a woman. I have been free of him for almost 5 years and I continue to struggle with all of this guilt and depression. I hope someone out there will help me along with this journey. Please.
Thanx for the advice savannah,am stack in a marriage with a narcissist for 4years pliz help me walk away
I was in a relationship (for lack of a better word) with a narcissist for 3 1/2 years. Broke up with him a year ago, only to find out that he was cheating on me for the last couple of months of the relationship. He is with this same girl now.
I am somewhat over it now…built up from life from a complete breakdown. I had become physically ill from the betrayal.
Well I am still stuck on this one point though and was wondering if anyone reading this could provide me with some insight. The thing is that ‘arranged marriage’ is quite d norm in India. It’s not my thing and I had told him this. He says that if I get into a relationship, get a boyfriend or whatever, I will only get used n dumped. Now I know for a fact that there are nice men out there…some of them are my friends. My brain understands…its just that my heart has been so bruised from all his abuse that it scares me, quite a bit. And hasn’t been easy finding someone appropriate. And at the weak moments, it has me spiralling back into thinking dat maybe he loved me , maybe I should have worked harder at it. What if nobody looks at me the same way ever again. Cause you know, the tidbits of attention that narcs throw our way…oh they are intense n sublime.
I sincerely appreciate all of your words of wisdom. I have been with my NPD for the last 3 years and he has preyed on every weakness I have. According to him I was his sexual soulmate. He said he could only find women like me in Brazil where he practiced law years ago. He made me feels like I was his dream girl. Slowly to my dismay I began to find evidence of other women in “my bathroom” at his house. I questioned him but he denied it saying it was all from his ex Brazilian girl friend. I spent 3 more years with him and stopped questioning him after we took trips all over the world including Dubai Mexico Maui and Puerto Rico and Cabo. Soon came the insults and the isolation from my “Jerry Springer” family he so called them. In his eyes I became an ingrate after all he spent at Nordstrom rack on me and the dinners to Fogo de Ciao and other 5 star restaurants. I saw a woman’s jeep in his driveway and he denied it. Said he had no idea who that was and asked if I was spying on him. He said I didn’t respect him and that he was a very special man that I needed to treat him as such.He adamantly denied all wrong doing and now I am just trying to break free. Right now I am traumatized and failing at no contact. I feel like I am losing the best thing I could ever have because he has shattered every shred of self esteem I had. I feel desperate and hopeless.
I like your comment, although I am aware you are stating “You will have those disturbing thoughts of your ex and his new partner” in a differnet context to mine. I have had disturbing thoughts of them both since day 1 after I asked him to get out of my life for ever. Yes, to me they do disturb me but only because the images make me totally nauseous. You see I have lived and slept with him and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else! The poor thing, wow she hasn’t done very well has she? Ended up with an adulterer, a pathological liar, a backstabber, a coward and a traitor to everyone he meets. Yes, the thoughts of anyone being with him make me retch and I am happy he’s found someone else so he finally stops his feeble attempts at ‘hoovering’ me which up to now he’s failed at miserably. What makes me feel this way is what I have learnt about his disease. Education is power and arms you with the power to so totally reject their bullshit and be happy he has someone else to ‘play’ with.
They cheat n lie .. my ex boyfreind of 5 years cheated behind my back n got married.He made a huge pile of lies to convince me that he was the innocent one n did this to make us both happy in our future . Who gets married within 15 days of breakup without atleast informing their previous patners .. I am glad dat I educated myself about this narc ..but still have this intense pain of betrayal . Narcs don’t have conscience. They will just get bored of any romantic relationship ..mine had many long term relationships which lasted for years .. I begged him to stop wat he is doing. But at the end he became this most vicious person I have seen ..He was like a monster with hate flowing from his eyes as if I had cheated on him . I was so confused n pained always thinking abt suicide. But god is great he showed me way .. slowly l understood it was not me the problem is him. but the sadness lingers my in life as I think he just went Scott free …He just continues his life merrily after all this n I am struggling to get past this emotions which springs up the moment I wake up in morning .. I can’t speak to anyone about this to anyone as they don’t understand wat I went through. .I feel like being used in the name love .. n they do take revenge. Mine took revenge for exposing him ..he posted tons of happy pics of him n his wife on fb ..please don’t expect anything from this people .. I still miss him like crazy . Because he had conditioned me to love him like a mother ..I gave him everything pleased him ..but they will not change ..he dint change he never will . I need to take care of myself. .get him out of the system.. but I feel like a loser .I read so many ppl suffering due to this .. is there justice ..will this ppl continue hurting person who love dam ..
Thank you so much for this website. It helped me so much in confirming what I already knew but always doubting myself. I know for sure now that he is truly sick and there is no cure. A healthy person does not mistreat the person they claim to love to such an incredible degree. My heart is broken and I hurt for the little girl inside of me that just wanted to be loved and treated well. But she also had sick parents and they were not capable. She was so alone, so scared, terrified that she will die and so she worked tirelessly for a kernel of love. She had no choice but to put up with the abuse. That’s what got me here. I was set-up by my parents sadly and tragically. And now that I can finally feel these terrible feelings that have haunted me, I know I am on my way to healing my shattered soul from so long ago. My ex is just the catalyst for understanding myself, for learning that I am inherently worthy of love, kindness, and respect. I have a lot of work to do on myself but I am worth it. And I am excited because this opens up the possibility of me having a life filled with people that are loving and eventually finding a partner that will love me and perform that way. I have hope. I haven’t met him because I was not ready. My ex is just a symbol of how I have been feeling about myself and that’s ok. I needed to learn this and the universe has shown me over and over again until I finally broke through my delusions and saw the truth. We are not meant to be. I do not need him to eventually choose me so I can finally believe that I am worthy of love. I do not need to put up with abuse. I am an adult now, not a terrifying little girl even though it doesn’t feel like sometimes, but I know I have options and choices. I choose me. I choose to care for me and my little girl. She deserves it for she was and will always be precious. He does not love me and even if he ever did, he does not know what that means. Love=loving actions not mistreatment. Love to you all. Thank you all for sharing your journey!
I am so thankful for this blog. Not only have I shared it with other women who are going through similar situations, I’ve turned to it on countless occasions for support and understanding.
I can’t say that Im fully recovered, but educating myself on this type of person has helped with the process.
Eighteen years together and got rid two years ago. Kept coming back and says that he won’t divorce me … he won’t give up on the us , I am a beautiful soul , so loving etc etc. FHAD FINALLY see the game…needs help needs support is in therapy doesn’twant tto start over with someone else so he may as well work through this with me. ….cheating sixteen years on and off. …manipulative to the limit…I am blamed….no remorse. …no empathy and the script ? Leave me and I will punish you….clear the bank accounts or stops seeing our child or goes back out looking for old supply or he might do so. …talks about craving intimacy with me , wants to be vulnerable with me….yes therapy gas helped as research into pop psychology phrases and better training in feelings of others and how to better manipulate. Still starting rows then off for a while and then back with …I wrestled with the devil last night. .but you were there in my dream with your blue eyes full of love. …I won’t leave you baby. ..This time the game clicked. ….If you don’t look after me I could get sacked or have to leave work and then what would you do….so priority for me…get back to work ….accept he will dump his daughter and do my best for her and get divorced ….I have only one word for this….evil. The hooks that hold us…potential relationship seemingly had. ..He will change and get it or be sorry….someone else might get a better him….Please don’t forget that any new supply will have tocome across as perfect or the one as that allows them to say we were obviously the problem or the relationship was….It can’t be a failure or not all that as that says what about them ? Best thing I ever did was getting him out of house as despite his campaign over the last two years I have my safe space and would not move on taking him back. He absolutely can’t understand that or why that boundary didn’t move. Probably explains his hoovering and rage cycles. Best thing I did was get a therapistqwho gets this as in my country they are rare and Iit’s so important to have someone to reality and sanity check with. Hugs to all xx
Savannah – your blog has been a lifeline for me. Nine months into a relationship with this man, I started to see a monster. I walked away fromhim several times – his cruel words and put downs making me feel this is not a man I wanted to be with – and then the pattern of drawing you back in, just to be knocked down again. Each time the emotional cruelty would get worse, and i would find myself questioning my very sanity.
The Narc is very clever at manipulating everything to appear it is you that has wronged them – you that has harmed them in some way – and after a while, you believe it. The once happy person you were is sucked into an abyss of low self-esteem.
Through your articles I am realising that no contact is the only way. Not to react or try to justify to soemone that cannot hear you – or really cares what they are doing to you.
It’s going to take a while to feel whole again – but I know it will happen in time.
Thank you for the blog posts – just knowing you are not alone in your despair is a lifeline!
Hi!! I too have been in a relationship with a narc. It left me destroyed emotionally. Because I thought we were so in love. He has now moved on with a very successful and religionous woman with 4 children. He is relocating to be with her and leaving his own daughter in the wake of it, whom we have shared custody of for 10 yrs. he is flaunting their relationship because of her success. Financially he had issues working. He just doesn’t like too! Lol. And he is attending church, and was never a church-goer. I absolutely can not believe. As I look at my daughter, I’m thankful he is going to be more absent from her life because he was very hard on her. But I do feel so sorry for his soon to be new wife. Do you think he can honestly change? I can’t imagine him being good to her children when he is so tough on ours.
This website has been so enlightening for me. I don’t feel so alone anymore. I met my N 8 years ago. I was the OW. He manipulated things so that after a short time my hubs and I were hanging out with him and his wife. It was good for a bit. Then he decided he was going to leave the wife and found a new gf. Lots of lies and hurt later he moved in with her. I went NC about 3 years ago. He has kept trying to contact me about once a week since then. I gave in a few times a year. That lasted about 3 days. He has continued to destroy my relationship with my husband. I recently talked with him and got sucked back in with his most dynamic plea yet. Well – I found out that he and gf are now married. No- not from him. He didn’t bother to mention that. And wow they are just SO HAPPY. He acts like nothing ever happened all those years ago. He wants to pick up where we left off. I have been really confused and upset. I have read a lot of info and I know I need to back to NC. I was really doing good for awhile. Thanks for everyone’s sharing and glad I have a place to read and give me back my common sense.
Hi, I pray you all are doing well today. I just wanted to assure you all that nothing about your exes has changed. They are still the same actor they portrayed in the relationship they had with you, with the addiction of a new co star that mirrors a different image than you had. Different mirror/co star, starring the same talentless actor that perform the same script over and over…
Your blog has saved me. I lived with a N for five years. Of course, I didn’t even know there was a name for this behavior until recently. He started out so wonderful. All of my friends thought he was the man of my dreams. Good looking, successful and very financially heathy. After, about two years living together he was became cruel and distant. One minute he wanted the relationship to end the next he wanted me to stay. I discovered I had an STD. I couldn’t believe it.. Here I was in my mid 40’s! I still believed him. He swore the test was wrong. I wanted so desperately for the relationship to work. I constantly blamed myself .. If only I did cry so much.. If only .. He constantly was telling me how unattracted to me and then a few days later would do something nice. I lived in constant state of confusion. I would eventually, take a job and move a few hours away and we still remained together(or so I thought) and then out of blue he tells me he has meet someone. I think the hardest part is knowing they aren’t good for you.. But realizing and unraveling soo much of the past five years of my life was a complete lie. It’s like I meant nothing to him. In fact, when I did cry. He was cold and heartless.. Telling me to get a grip. You know they are jerks. But.. You have this crazy notion that someone this “other” woman has captured there heart And is better than you. It makes me sick., I am stuck in pain.. And all along he was on a dating website searching for his “soulmate”
I think for me the worst part of this is how many people didn’t/don’t believe my horrific ordeal. “I can do this” wrote their story abouve, and it was like reading something I wrote. I too watched for the patterns….and it was devastating each and every time. LUCKILY, he put his hands on me.. I say luckily, because it finally made me see how disturbed he was. He basically choked me for asking him to come to bed. And proceeded to tell me or was my fault because I accidentally scratched him causing his reacton. The police came that night and arrested him. I got a restraint order, but then dropped it the moment I saw him (sadly I’m addicted to the traumatic bond I guess). He said all the things he knew I would want to hear, he loved me, he missed me, and our children, he can’t eat he can’t sleep… so I dropped the order so we could arrange to have him take the children. I then asked him I’d he wanted to talk to see about couseling, and he agreed. The next day I asked when he wanted to talk, he said that he’d have to check his schedule and get back to me. At that moment I found the strength to accept his sickness and immediately made the decision to delete him from our lives. I deleted 1800 texts, photos…everything, then I changed my phone number. He still knows where I live, but with a domestic violence charge looming over him, and his pride.. I doubt he will come by. I will be attending the court case and testifying. He had no right to put his hands on me. It wasn’t my fault. I will never allow him to manipulate me again.
Savannah,
I have been married to my Narc for almost 5 years now. We have a 3 year old daughter, and I recently filed for divorce on grounds of adultery and physical cruelty. He was served the divorce papers at his job last Saturday morning. He did not react at all, in fact, waited several days and simply called to see how our daughter was doing, and said nothing of the divorce at all. Can I consider this the final discard? The blatant, non-caring attitude? The divorce is taking place either way, but I found myself feeling down again because of the fact that he didn’t even care about the divorce conplaint. I felt so strong for so long, and I feel like I’m being sucked into the vortex of feeling insecure and unwanted again. I just want to get this next phase over with and really moe on this time. I hope he’s had it with me for good this time, but why does it feel so crappy?
Curtiskatiem –
It is one of the baffling things about recovering from a narcissist that we can simultaneously say “I hope I never hear from him (or her) again after all they have done” and “why can’t I just hear from him (or her) one more time, can it really be true they care so very little.” Our rational minds know they are terrible, awful no-good partners; but our damaged and hungry hearts still want to believe they care a little, that the good times were not a complete charade and that though they are horrible people there must be some little shred of feeling inside that monster somewhere. You just have to trust your rational mind, keep plodding forward (meaning: as little contact with the N as is consistent with being a good parent), and be patient while your heart catches up with what your rational mind knows to be true. Be gentle with yourself, put as much energy into loving your daughter as you can (with a badly damaged father, she will need you to be extra strong and loving), keep reading about narcissism, and learn to be very good to yourself. Our hearts are with you!
HC
Thank you for this and for your whole site. It has made such a difference in my perspective since divorcing my husband.
Hi Sav:
Do you think N’s get worse with age? What are you thoughts on this.. It seems my roller coaster ride with him slowed down abit when he was younger and working but then when he retired it started up again (cheating, lying, etc. He had more time on his hands but his choices became worse. It seems like anyone would do. Does Narcissism get worse with age? Thank you Mp
Best article yet! I have been narc free (again) for around 3 weeks. Luckily for me he works away for months at a time but the last few times he has been home he has come back into my life and turned it upside down again, without a care in the world. I used to think ‘it must be because of our connection, we’re obviously meant to be no matter what’. Now I know that it was just a product of his acute selfishness and I’ve seen him for who he really is.
He is now ‘seeing’ a woman that was on the scene during our relationship….even though he is away..he is obviously ensuring a supply for when he is home. I’ve spent a lot of my time feeling hard by for the last few weeks. Everything you have spoken about in your article! I wanted justice, I wanted her to know what he was like, I just didn’t want him to land on his feet again like he always seems to.
But you are so right Savannah! What is there to be jealous of? My life was awful with him and I became deeply unhappy and unstable. I am actually the lucky one, not her! Unfortunately, she has it all to come potentially but that’s not my issue. I just need to ‘concentrate on my own game’ and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve been running and living well and I’m starting to feel like me again….an even better me than before! It’s empowering and your blogs just give me the extra push and are a great reminder should I ever need it.
Thank you so much! xxx
This is one of the best of all the outstanding postings. I have been Narcless for over 10 months now and STILL he is texting me (I don’t read them).
I am slowly recovering, feeling I have had a virus infection which is hanging on. I can suffer the pain. It has been far worse and I am focusing on getting my life back and enjoying it. I will not put up with anyone who tries to make me feel bad about myself now. I have only good friends, not the ones who manipulate me. I’m not that doormat any more!
Sometimes when I feel discouragement coming on because I’m not where I want to be in life or in regards to overcoming certain challenges I remind myself that I am a work in progress. I’m getting better each day, even if I’m not “there” yet. I’m not sure exactly why but lately this has made me feel better.
I like this blog and the comments because they encourage openness, self care, self acceptance and gentleness. A freedom to be where we are at and express this. I always struggled with this. Narcs really used it against me. I don’t know if the opposite of insecurity and personal discouragement is personal power, maybe it’s inner peace, a quiet strength- still figuring this out.
Savannah,
I first learned about Narcissism from an article on FB one afternoon, when I realized I had been being taught everything I’d ever want to know or experience about Narc. for the previous nine months.
I began voraciously researching the subject, so as to be better prepared for what I had/have been dealing with.
Low and behold, your blog. Such a Godsend . . .
I am so thankful. The way you describe everything, the hurt, the thoughts, the insanity…hits the nail on the head, every time. It feels so comforting (and sad) that I am not a lunatic that is imagining all of these things that I had been piecing together and figuring out on my own. Reading the details, symptoms, aspects, typical behaviors, etc. has really and truly helped me to put my feet underneath me and plant the roots of strength I need to let go.
Yesterday, there was another one of those fights that seem to sprout out of nowhere. I made breakfast, plated it, brought all of the condiments, and all but cut it up and chew it for him. Never good enough. Never appreciation. Never GENUINE kindness.
One of the worst fights in a long time ensued. I had seen it coming. I am a pattern watcher, you see. I felt the gradual pulling away, the emotional shut down, the anger building, the almost complete disgust with me for no (apparent or reasonable) reason. The “you’re so perfect, so of course you think everything is my fault and I am just the most awful person, huh? Sure, I’ll take all the blame” that always precedes his leaving abruptly to go wherever, with whomever that leaves me isolated and alone and utterly confused and buried in pain, every time.
This time, he came back (usually disguised as having forgotten something) bc I had actually wished him a nice day and told him thank you for doing some handy work the night before. I didn’t fall into the anger spiral that I do usually when he leaves and it seemed to make him want to come back for more. It was sort of amusing, but as he showed back up and I realized why, (not because he felt badly for being an ass), I came unglued.
I won’t bore you with the rest of the details, but it was an eye opening experience that lead me to text him, as he furiously drove away, that he should lose my phone number and forget my address.
I let myself be angry all day, but was productive with things I had been wanting to do and it was nice. You see, I have begun to become numb to his games. I have been trying to prepare myself to let go when I got the most ready. Yesterday . . .I jumped off at the deep end of the pool. Unfortunately/fortunately, I used the fight and his leaving as a place to drop all of the bombs of proof of his deceit and I described himself to himself in an explicit and detailed manner. I found myself feeling stronger and on the “winning” side, until I realized that it was all for naught. He will be emotionally hurt bc I pointed out shortcomings, habits, and lies that he will not be able to deny TO HIMSELF, but that he will only use this as fuel to run to his other supply(ies). Oh well. As you said, he can be hers/theirs to deal with now.
I know I have a road to travel before I will truly be free of this. As I type, I think/hope/hope not that he will come by today for whatever contrived reason and I wonder what I’ll do. I’d like to think I will be able to tell him to “kick rocks” again and make him leave my life for good.
I feel like I can and I know that I have to do this.
I have long said that all I want is to be happy. I know that I must change this to “I am happy” or “I will be happy”.
Every moment is a new opportunity to change my mantra.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for opening up your pain, your experiences, your journey, and your successes to us. Every day, know that you have helped someone to move closer to freedom and the happiness they deserve.
You inspire me.
Thank you.
P.S. The poem by Hurtin Cowboy is absolutely beautiful and it touched my heart to tears.
Thank you both for sharing.
Thank you Savannah for another great read. I love Monday’s because of your blog.
A breakdown I did have indeed, the anxiety was crippling, I couldn’t breath. The final discard the worst of them all! (seven in a short 18 month relationship).
Trying to make sense of what cyclonic force had just annihilated my life I stumbled across your article on the ‘Three Phases of a Narcissistic Relationship Cycle’ and for the first time in weeks I caught my breath. It was all there in black and white and suddenly everything made sense. A text book narcissist.
Those early months following the final discard were the worst of my life, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and worst of all, I thought about him constantly. I tried so hard to distract myself but my mind would always find its way back to him. It was torturous. I sought counselling. I hated him but I loved him too and despite the soul destroying pain, I still wanted him back. It absolutely baffled me that I could still want him after all he had done to me… The master cheater, liar and manipulator. I read all your articles, they were my lifeline. I still wanted him back but I was no longer baffled as to why. I read all the comments and despite myself I started to believe that I might get through this!
Seven months later, I am back to my happy cheerful self. It was baby steps but each day was slightly easier than the last. I still think about him on the odd occasion but I don’t want him back, in fact I pity him as he will never know true happiness. I also feel sorry for the other woman, she has no idea what is in store for her and the pain she is going to come to know!
Hang in there girls (and guys), give time, time and you too will make it out the other end.. stronger and wiser!
“It is difficult to find happiness within oneself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Infidelity is one of the worst form of betrayal. In many cases, it breaks up and destroys families. But the way that Narcs do it is so insidious, and their reasons for doing are so much more evil to me, vs. when a non-Narc does it.
A male friend of mine divorced his wife around the same time I left my Narc. He left her because she cheated on him with a co-worker. They have two small children and now have shared custody. It destroyed him. We sought solace in each other, and after our conversations, I compared notes out of curiosity, because my friend’s wife is not a Narc.
While she was cheating, she never spoke to my friend about the other man. She never compared them to each other. She never said or did anything to tear down his self-esteem, even when they fought. When my friend grew suspicious and confronted her about it, she denied it vehemently, but she never tried to gaslight him and say that he was crazy and insecure for thinking these things. Her phone didn’t go off in the middle night. Her excuses about her whereabouts were never over the top. In short, his wife did everything she possibly could to cover her tracks that she was having an affair. She worked overtime to have alibis and erase her call log. My friend confessed that in the end he was surprised that she was having an affair with a co-worker, because he barely knew that this man even existed.
But with Narcs, doesn’t it seem like like they WANT to get caught or don’t care if they do? They’re constantly sloppy. They make no effort to cover up what they are doing. My ex’s phone went off in the middle of the night. His phone would “die” all the time and he had excuses that were always sob stories, instead of just saying he was out with a friend. When I got suspicious I was gaslit, called insecure and then he would scream at me that I must be the one who was cheating!
He spoke about the woman he was cheating on me with, insisting she was just a long-time friend (she was actually the most reliant member of his harem, he dragged her along for years). He complimented her. He spoke highly of her. He compared me to her. He wanted me to know damn well that someone else wanted him.
I asked my friend what was his wife’s reasons for cheating. She told him that they had children and got married too fast, too young. She didn’t get to experience being a 20-something, she was a mother and a wife at a young age. After ten years, she wasn’t happy with how her life wound up and wasn’t sure that she wanted to be married to him anymore.
Hearing that had to have hurt my friend so bad, in ways that I can’t imagine. But to me, it sounds like his wife was having an existential crisis. It doesn’t make the affair OK, but she didn’t seek out the affair purely with the intention of hurting her husband, to ruin his self-esteem and to get an ego boost.
When my ex Narc did it, it was all about power and him filling his need for supply. He actively wanted to destroy my self-esteem in the process. He wanted me to feel jealous and to want him even more, that way I would be a shell of myself, completely dependent on him, that way he could count on me as being a long-term member of his harem.
I don’t think about if my Narc is with her. Know why? Because the other woman is much, much more broken than I am. I don’t wish her any ill will, but I’m confident that one day, like Savannah said in a prior post, that she too will be crying late at night, reading blogs like this one.
She can have him.
@ShellyAud- OMG what a great idea to start a dating websites for us GOOD people trying to find TRUE and all encompassing love. I would sign up immediately and would pay whatever the fee would be. After my Narc and I broke up- I went down the more toxic road of drinking, partying and getting on dating sites that were swimming with more toxic men. I immediately stopped the online dating after a few scary dates and also running into my ex on the site. He lies about his age, his pets, his education, his hobbies and how he loves to take care of women and he’s so careful with them. It was quite disgusting and opened my eyes to the breeding ground of the scum these people are. I bet he gets messages daily from the poor women who have no idea what he’s really about. And every message he gets inflates that ego of his. It’s so gross.
Anyways, yes Savannah maybe you could create such a dating site for us members!
I wish we could make a list of our Narcs and their locations at the same time to make sure we never run into one again!
Hahaha the problem is there is no way to weed them out. I bet that Christian dating site is full of them.
Awesome – so on point, so true. I’m always thankful to read your posts – you helped me, without knowing, when those things were still painful beyond all imagining. All you share is a gift – THANK YOU.
Savannah –
Thanks so much for running what I wrote. It was really serendipity, but I needed an ego boost today. I found out I will be spending half a day with the xNarc on a business trip to Asia in early June. Even worse, she will be with her new boss, who (as rumor has it) is her next victim. Riding around with her in his car (where, if her form holds up, they will have been doing more than driving), trying to act civil and not retch — yuck. So thanks for running this today. I have so often been picked up by your postings and the comments afterward (NarcRepellent — talking about you here!), and today was no exception. Some of the comments even made me blush!
HC
@Cowboy — Thanks so much! And you have no idea how much your insights have helped me! Always look forward to reading your comments and I enjoy your poems. You’re a really good writer, too!
I enjoyed the lines saying “get it with us,” “heal with us.” I am so thankful for the community of people on here. I really view all of as akin to combat veterans — only those who have experienced being with a Narc (“the war”) can fully understand the scope of the problem, what it feels like, what it does to us, and that it’s not just a “difficult” relationship. I’ve found that while friends of mine really do mean well, people who are healthy and don’t have issues with co-dependency can’t fully understand what it’s like to be with a Narc, why one would be with a Narc in the first place, or even that Narcs exist in this world. They tend to give bad advice, like to “just work on it” or “just go find someone else.” It’s nice to know that we’re not alone and that we can all help each other grow and get the closure we need.
That is terrible that you have to go on a business trip with the ex! Honestly, when I read that she’d be attending this business trip, I was surprised to learn that she had such a great job 🙂 Did you meet her through work?
I’m not sure where you’re going in Asia, but if you’re going to any of the big cities in the Northern Asian countries — Tokyo, Seoul, Hong Kong — it will be really easy for you to get lost, in a good way. These are cities where everything is available 24 hours, with plenty of night markets and amazing street food, aside from cultural sites. After business meetings are done, there will be ample opportunity to explore and get away from her. I know you love to travel, I hope you see this as an opportunity to cross off more places on the map to visit.
@NR – Don’t be too surprised the xN has a decent job, she actually has a good deal of smarts. (Her mother is a cerebral narcissist — a whiz with languages but completely indifferent as a parent, as in zero interest in her kids.) The problem with the xN is after she charms everyone in a new work place she gets bored and restless, has office affairs and continual flirtations and tease-a-thins, and everyone gets tired of her act. But she usually stays one jump ahead; she will have charmed a new boss at a conference or on a plane flight, and she will jump to the new workplace and start the merry-go-round again. Glad I am OFF it! And yes, I will take your advice and enjoy the trip, Tokyo is the only new city for me on this trip but I am going to have fun poking around there. And you are right about the night markets — best food bargains in the world and you never know what you might end up trying!
hi Savannah . I think I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for the last two years. He feels like my souls mate.. I felt safe… But seven times he has left me for an old flame who is ten years older than him. She has money , offered him the world, then he comes back to me says he can’t live without me and sees me everywhere, just what I want and need to hear, but after a few weeks of nils, the argumentative man appears again and a man with little empathy. I can’t tell him any of my family or health problems, he’s not interested, he always compliments me, says I’m the nicest person he’s very known and then he suddenly leaves again.. He’s just done it for the seventh time, this time he says he wants to be on his own. I don’t know whether he is or isn’t… We have so much in common … Laugh so much … And then wham suddenly I don’t tick all the boxes, or I’m not enough for him … All his words. He tells me this other woman always appreciates how much effort he puts into things and I’ve made sure I make it clear I also appreciate it, but there is always something not quite right… It never gets really nasty because he’s gone before I know what’s happened… I get a few days of the signs appearing and then it’s over again. But it’s me that’s always kept in touch before because I can’t bear to lose him totally. This time I have managed to not text or call. Is this a narcissist or a mixed up guy who never knows what he wants ?
Helen on a daily basis people send me lists of behaviors and ask me to give an online diagnosis. I can’t tell you if he’s a narcissist or not from your description, but what I can tell you is it seems really evident that he treats you in an incredibly disrespectful and uncaring manner. The relationship is all on his terms. Not only is he disrespecting you by going back and forth to another woman – you are disrespecting you every time you take him back. It doesn’t matter what he wants – what do you want? Do you want to share your man with other people? Do you want to go through all of the pain every time he leaves? Do you want to be in a constant state of jealousy and always pining for him to come back when he’s with someone else. You deserve more than that. Take the power out of his hands and put it in yours. You make the decision to end this – you make the decision that you deserve more. This isn’t about whether or not he’s a narcissist this is about you and why you would accept this kind of treatment.
@Helen — You just wrote that he doesn’t care about your family and health problems, that he’s “not interested”?! I hope you can see how HUGE of a dealbreaker this is and what kind of person he is.
Narc or not, this man is a terrible person who only cares about himself, and not you, at all! You deserve someone who WILL care and who WILL listen and be concerned for your family and health problems!
For those who wonder about their ex & the new supply: Narcs look happy with the new supply because they are masters at making a pile of sh*t smell like roses. Seriously, if you need someone to make sh*t in your life look good, call a narc! Just kidding, don’t, there’s always a catch 🙂 So maybe they are in the first stage where they are obsessed with their new supply but this ALWAYS changes, everyone gets downgraded to straight up reject (lucky!) or secondary supply/the long term caregiver/servant who the narc never loves & will ditch if something better comes along they can get away with it. And the narc may not physically cheat on them, leave them or treat them as badly as they treated you but they still never love them, they are always fantasizing about cheating on them and leaving them and always flirting with/showing off to their new primary supply- I’ve seen this so many times and who wants this? Not to mention all the other nonsense. The point is: never think the new supply has it good- they are in for a nightmare, maybe not the same as yours, but a nightmare nonetheless. The only people the narc maintains any concern or respect for is the golden child or golden parent bc the narc needs to feel he/she came from greatness and produced greatness so he overlooks their flaws and deludes himself – he doesn’t love them either- like everyone else they are just supply for his ego- but they get off a little easier in terms of treatment. You know, it’s hard to believe all this when we are emotionally attached to someone, and that’s normal, but as we heal over time the reality always becomes clearer.
Hi Savannah,
Your post hits home. I have been one year and one half out of my relationship with my ex and I was tortured by images of his new gal pal and him together.
He committed himself to another woman only 5 weeks after our break up. She has quite a bit of money and affluence, plus she looks like his mother so I imagine the attraction to her was pretty high. I try not to think of them anymore, but I am struggling with my own stuff ( especially finances ) which many times has made me feel as if I am less.
I know that her appeal will eventually wither, and the dysfunction he brings will play out—maybe not in the way it did with me, but this 62 year old little boy is terribly insecure and has a symbiotic relationship with his Mommy. There is no way they are in “happily ever after.” Plus he is bisexual and keeps it deep in his closet. His shame around that alone brings an underlying, complicated dynamic to the relationship.
I have to admit, sometimes my heart still feels broken, but I am not hurting in the way I was, and I still have so much to deal with in my own self that what he does with her, or all the women now, and after her, does not make a difference in my life.
You are so right, I was not happy with him and he was not the right guy for me. These thoughts have restored my sanity. Now, it is about my life, and what I need to do for myself.
“I remember struggling to understand how my partner could do this to me. Where was the loyalty? Where was the compassion, the love, the commitment? How could these things mean nothing? How could I mean nothing? Why didn’t I know that he was pretending?”
My ex laid it on thick immediately. She would say things like “this is deeper than any lustful adventure that could be had” among other things that made me take her disclaimer of “this is not a relationship” not too serious. “I thought girls like you only existed in my dreams.” I know, kind of cheesy, but when it’s said in a passionate moment, all you hear is love. “Tell me those lyrics to your song again.” (The song is a beautiful love song with gorgeous and sensual imagery.)
I felt like a stranger to my own senses when I was faced with deciphering all those lies. How the hell does a person lead another person on like that? Unless…that person is a narcissist.
Savannah, what bugs me the most is that my ex possess the very traits I wish to have, like being able to move the heck on immediately, not caring about nurturing anyone but myself, doing what makes me happy. Those are the very things “I” couldn’t find within myself which amounted to a really long healing process. My friend would tell me “she doesn’t care about you” and “she used you.” And I would say, “no, you don’t understand…she really DID love me.”
I just think it’s kind of ironic that I’m trying to refine those parts in myself that the narcissist seems to have already mastered. It kind of seems like, um…what’s the word of it??? Ironic? Oxy-moronish?? Uh, ass backwards??? Counterintuitive???
Love your blog!!! Love the poem by one of our flock. 🙂 This really is a nice place and I appreciate the support.
Nashville it’s easier for them to move on than it is for us because they are missing colors in their emotional color chart. When you have an impaired ability to feel empathy – you don’t really have the ‘burden’ of worrying about other people and you can just be selfish and never worry about the consequences. They are driven to move on quickly because they must – who they are – their very existence is dependent upon whether someone else validates them or not. It looks rosy from the outside but inside…. – if you could live in her head for a day you would thank your lucky stars you didn’t have to live like that. They are 100% dependent upon other people. Part of this lesson, that you must take your time with, is learning how to be independent – being ok just being you all by yourself. Then you can, with a discerning eye, chose to bring someone else into your life that brings value to it. This is the huge distinction.
Hi Sav:
Is that why they can do the back and fourth game with you. i have experienced this for the last year.. he comes back with the pretense to stay then starts acting crazy indesisive and wants to go back to the ow.. (who he keeps saying is too young for him, there just friends, etc). all lies. but when he leaves he blames me for everything. he really believes his cheating and keeping her on the side is okay. he makes me believe he wants to come back but then he keeps saying i came back too soon. meanwhile he is still messing around with the ow. please can you advice on this N game; because thats all it is. thank you mp
You’re exactly right MIMI that is what he’s doing. He gets supply from you – then it wears off and he needs more so he goes to her – then hers wears off and he goes back to you…. and on and on the game goes. It’s very likely there are others or he is at least searching for others.
Sav:
Thank you for your reply. but don’t you agree they make it seem like the ow is so great! thats all you hear. when usually she is a lesser verison. please comment. and being alone with yourself, it is not an easy place to be. but your right about trying to get to this place. after sometime i really believe they do not love anyone; they just use woman. any contact i have with him i am left emotionally hurt and confused. please respond. thank you mp
MIMI of course she’s going to be the greatest woman that was ever put on the planet. He has to over-value her supply initially so that it’s satisfying for him – plus he gets off on the triangulation. Your jealousy feeds his ego.
I remember all of my friends telling me how ugly and plain the OW was – as if that was supposed to make me feel better that he left me for an ugly woman. This seems to be a reoccurring theme among Narcissists. I bet if you asked the women on this site what the OW was like you’d see a lot of that happening. The reason is twofold 1) looks aren’t necessarily what the Narc is after – it’s the puff up. The OW in my case was an excellent ego stroker and that’s what he valued and needed 2) As Max put it – they like a girl that is less attractive than them – it means she will fawn all over them.
No they do not love in the same way normal people do – for them at various times you will see obsession/infatuation/disdain – that’s as close as they get to love. Your job now is to stop all contact because it always brings you back to this place of despair.
@MIMI — I’m here to add to the conversation about the Other Woman.
First off, I will admit that what I’m about to say is going to sound superficial. Please know that I’m not a sizest, and that I don’t agree with the unrealistic “ideal” beauty standards that are put on both men and women in the U.S.
That aside, when I was living with my Narc, there was a woman who was a constant presence in our relationship — she was always calling, texting and pleading to see him. My ex triangulated me against her to make me jealous. He ALWAYS talked her up, through carefully chosen words, to make believe that she was SO great, “better than me,” and a threat to me.
Before I knew what this woman looked like, my imagination convinced me that she was a 5’11”, size 2 supermodel — a Giselle Bundchen. The triangulating really affected my self-esteem and made me crazy!
Then one day, I got a hold of Facebook messages that she left for him (my ex was dumb enough to leave his account logged on, on MY laptop).
When I saw this woman’s picture and read her messages, I was astounded. Here it comes: She is about five inches shorter than me, and 100 pounds heavier than me. She didn’t have a model’s face, either. I kept digging, and learned that she didn’t have a college degree (I do), or any kind of career.
What I did find, were all of her messages to my ex. There were tons of poorly-written, overly sappy poems filled with punctuation problems (not at all good like Cowboy’s poems!) illustrating how “perfect” he was, how much she loved him and how much he meant to her. There were also messages that oscillated between how abusive he was to her yet how she couldn’t live without him.
I was already down the rabbit hole, so I kept digging. She has given him money. He kept her tethered to him for years, YEARS! He ran back to her after his girlfriend before me smartly dumped him real quick, quicker than I did. He ran back to her nearly every time he thought I was going to kick him out and end it.
What I really found was a woman who had even lower self-esteem than I did, at my darkest moments.
My point is, it is NOT about looks with the Other Woman!!! They are not “better” than us. What they are, though, is a lot more broken than we are. They will do anything to keep them. They are always willing to provide an ego boost. They say yes when we say no.
I was a mess with my ex, but even I had my limits, had enough and freaking meant it (I’m at one year of No Contact, and trust me, it will be this way forever). She has been putting up with him for YEARS, and sadly, she’ll most likely continue to do so, because she does not yet know what he is or believe that she deserves better.
With Narcs it’s rarely about how their victims look. It’s about who can they exploit the easiest.
It all makes sense now. My ex interpreted my asserting myself (finally) as my decreased adoration of her, which amounted to her abrupt discard of me -since she couldn’t get the same “high” she got from me in the beginning. Cracks in the facade allowed the light to penetrate the vulnerable spots and illuminate the tormented soul, that is a narcissist’s. They shut you down for it! They punish you for seeing them, in their raw imperfections. No! You must adore them or else….you will be thrown away like yesterday’s news, hurled into their cyclonic abyss of recycled cognitive dissonance, emotions crumbling like brittle bones, to dust.
Little did she know I wasn’t going to throw her away for being less than perfect. I just wanted to talk about it.That’s all. It’s a sad, sad thing…but it isn’t worth another tear on my part. So glad I got out when I did. This could have been years of soul deprivation. Maybe, subconsciously I knew that a year of suffering was better than locked into years of further soul deprivation.
But here’s the real kicker:
What is it in us that delays our gratification of self love in all of its magnified glory, and, instead, chooses suffering instead, accepting crumbs and calling them cake? When we KNOW better. Somewhere I knew.
Blessings to you, Savannah!!!
I agree with ShelleyAud, I too have been trying to go no contact but due to the court it has not been easy. We have no young kids but still have not sold our home. I do realize how when I was able to go NC life was still lonely but the monkeys swung less. Now that the court has forced a 3hr notification on me to allow him into the house those darn Monkeys go ape shit! I could really use a DATE! After a year and a long cold winter in the midwest I finally feel its my turn to have some fun but I am scared of the unknown as it has been 15 years since I have been on a date. I always say I am moving to TX where there is no snow and I will find a cowboy and hey I’m mature not old and not dead.
Sav, I just had to respond to your last comment and how dead on accurate you are about everything. Yes, she is ugly and has many issues. She was homeless, jobless, broke etc when he met her. She has been a victim of abuse. He kept telling me over and over i’m helping her, she just a friend. But then he comes fourth and states how he so attractive to her. she is great and thinks im so handsome.. and that im such a good man. you couldn’t believe how he ran with all the compliments and attention. your so right with the obessision/infactuation. that’s what makes it so hard to understand and comprehend that a man can give up a whole good life for someone who is basically indigent. that has been the hard part for me to come to terms with. but after reading your posts and learning about NPD i think i can say honestly i understand alittle more. but i still have so much hurt inside. she is his ego boost. she tells him he’s handsome and a good guy; which in fact is the furthest from the truth. do you think the ow does figure this out someday? thank you mp
Hi NarcRepellant:
Thank you for your comments; they do make so much sense. But can you advise why the n rips me apart constantly (has for years and years). i never do anything right, my appearance isn’t right, i smell, eat wrong foods, hair is dry etc. he never had anything really good to say about me. why do this to someone? but along comes this train wreck and she is just a good good person. Do you think eventually the ow gets the same kind of devaluing? Will he be displeased with her appearance ( you won’t believe what she looks like, what she wears, makeup, etc. What are your thoughts on this? The whole experience leaves you feeling terrible about yourself.. it just damages you. i hope someday to look back or better yet forget!. Please advice. Thank you so much. mp
I am so grateful to be free from the narc. parasite. He took so much from me. I now just see him as a con artist. Healing from these creatures takes time. I was wife #3 and the girlfriends are a lot more plentiful than wives. I have no doubt he will repeat his pattern again and again. I’m so grateful I didn’t have any children with him and that I completely cut him out of my life and moved 1000s of miles away. I can’t say I don’t enjoy hearing about the Karma bus crashing into him from time to time. He was extremely abusive and I feel has a lot of Karma headed his way. Life is too short to stay with these horrible creatures.
I just signed up on this website and found it refreshing to know others are going through what I am too. I am hurting and weak. Tired of being in this pain but knowing I am not alone gives me comfort. He took my friends family, self esteem and more. I don’t know where to start healing but I must try. I have to learn how to breathe again. He ex just got married again and we only just got divorced. He’s on his fourth marriage wow it should click in that that’s not okay but all I see is he’s Happy and I sit alone and Lonely. That he’s got it all and I have nothing but a broken heart and all the pieces. Any help would be good right now. Thanks
I too have been through this. I was married with 2 children and was cheated on by my ex and a family member and I was the one who got rejected by all! The hardest thing to accept for me was that the whole relationship was phony – from the get go on his side of the fence, it was meaningless – blah blah words (that I believed!) – it was never personal he never loved me for who I am. I was conned. This was the hardest thing to accept but when I had – it made the biggest impact. Only you were in the relationship – he never was and I doubt if he ever will be despite how many times he marries. Think of it as a lucky escape. You will never go through this again – but depending on opportunities never real love and commitment – anyone in his life might – if he is faithful it is because of lack of options not love for the current partner. You can’t have a real relationship with one of these types – you just can’t – they aren’t emotionally invested in it, they’re not capable of that – take care of yourself – feel the pain and learn the lessons. This is the gateway to something real and loving imagine that for your future Erin! I wish you every happiness and remember you are not alone in your difficult experience.
Erin, take heart! I am from Ireland, so had to respond to your comment. If it’s any consolation, I was exactly this time last year where you seem to be right now. I hope you have one or two people you can talk to and that you get through it with them – you will! I was cheated on, too. My own personal lesson is the Irish poet’s WB Yeats’ line from one of his poems: ‘Never give all the heart’…that is, until I am really sure who I am dealing with!! Easier said than done?! Yeah, I know! But the sadness will lift. Think of your name: Erin, Ireland, green for fertile and fresh ground that you will find in yourself. Mist, because that will lift for you, too. Beannachtaí. S
What a timely post! I’ve just passed the one year mark of being discarded by my exN. I too was handed a copy of the Pema Chodron book, When Things Fall Apart and it was such a lifesaver for me. I took her advice to heart and allowed myself to face the horrible pain head on rather than try to distract myself by hitting the town with friends, flirting with men, drinking too much, etc. I’m so glad I took this approach because I’m happy to report one year later I am in a much healthier place! I’ve moved to Austin, TX where I’m in graduate school and loving my new life! I am so much happier without him and I feel certain that his new supply is now the recipient of all that misery. Better yet, even if they are deliriously happy together, I honestly don’t care. Like you said, our relationship was not healthy for me, and that’s the only thing I need to concern myself with. I have just recently started dating a new guy who is the kindest soul on Earth and knows some of the horror I endured. It will take me a while to completely open up to him and trust him with my heart, but I don’t feel any pressure to hurry that process along. At any rate, I just want to let all of you who are currently suffering through this process know that if you take the time to face the pain rather than trying to avoid it, there is a much better life awaiting you on the other side. Thank you Savannah for your continued support and wise words!
Yes, “the one who hurt you cannot help you.” When I finally realized that in its finality and decided that I needed to look for friendships elsewhere and cut him off, I did, and I am finally no contact and free and don’t even remember when I last talked with him or the conversation we had. THAT is finally the end. 🙂
Please add me to smiling list Thank You
So well written and such valid advice. Sitting with the pain takes practice as most of us try to escape the pain. It helps get us through it, though, and was one of the tools I used many times. I am 4 years out now and a world of healing has taken place. Your work is so very important, and needed, as there are so many women hurting. I have so much sympathy for those out there who don’t have resources or connections in knowing what has happened to them. Those who don’t have knowledge of narcissistic personality disorder and probably are suffering and blaming themselves. I nearly took my life and surely would have had it not been for sites like these that educate, offer help & support, and relieve some of the pain enabling us to function enough to dig our way out of the dark place the narcissist takes us. Knowing we are NOT alone is comforting, as the complexity of this trauma abuse with layers of grief, loss, anger, confusion, etc. is far too much to bare all by one’s self Thank you, dear, for all of your wonderful words and continued support.
Thanks Savannah you’re so wonderful.
This subject strikes me out. He won over me he discharged me and still being with her.
It’s a year of no contact now. But How can you be so sure that he’s not a different person with her. Your ex had a child , merry and bought an house with the woman he left you for.. Big stuff that he did not happened with you.. I understand you’re feeling free, same do I but still …there are results out there.. They’re still together..so she won over us. And how he’s paying what he did?.. I ‘m healing but those thoughts are still there. Thank you again.
We did buy a house together and he was still with me longer than he has been with her. She got herself pregnant 2 months after I moved out of our house. I don’t think he planned on that happening. That was her little way of saying I left my husband for you so you are not going anywhere without it costing you dearly. Maybe he is a little different with her but a) he’s not going to change his entire personality – he is who he is (a selfish, insecure boy man) He didn’t suddenly become a different person and b) he was awful to me – his relationship with me was toxic – so even if he is great with her he was awful to me and that’s all that matters.
Dear Ortensia,
Don’t be fooled by what you hear. If this woman has been with him a while and they seem happy, does not mean that he is no longer a Narc. There could be a few different reasons why they are still together. He will always be a Narc. He very well may have changed up how he goes about getting his supply. OR the woman he is with trusts him so much that she has not caught on to his games yet. The latter happened to me. Imagine taking 35 years to figure this all out!! That is how long it took me. I loved him so much, trusted him a great deal, but he used all that against me to lead a double life that I know nothing about. The pain was huge for me, but I am glad to say that I have moved on. My therapist said to me that if it was any comfort – he will not change. He will continue to use whomever he can for his “fix”. My dear, feel blessed that it did not take you 35 years to figure things out like I did. Life is too short to pine away for someone who couldn’t care less about how they are hurting you or anyone else you are close to. I have 2 sons and 2 granddaughters tangled up in this mess and we are all carrying our hurts. I wish you well on your life journey. Take heart, it will get easier and better.
I really liked this post, when reading the description of what the current supply has got including the part about his mother, it couldn’t of described my ex better!
In his new relationship I recently saw her and my first impression was sorrow as he’s is using her for companionship and money!
To her I’m sure she sees it as her happy ever after!
The things that tortured me where thinking he’d not treat her in the disgusting ways he treated me or that she would not see the dysfunction he brings!
I’m currently trying to work on not caring about if she does or doesn’t and that I’m free of him to a degree!
I suffered DV in this relationship and it bothers me that she is turning a blind eye to this!
I have 2 kids with him so even though I manage NC pretty well, he certainly likes to paint a rainbow to my kids regarding his new life……
It’s painstaking journey of recovery, thanks sooo much for this post
You should start a dating website for us to meet each other. I want a man like the Hurting Cowboy! Such talent and true heart. 🙂
Brilliant! Needed this message today–thanks!
I’m getting through the breakdown and coming out the other side. These words are so much what I needed to read today.
Hi Savannah, I absolutely love your blog posts! I have been a follower for a short while and you write as if you know my ex-Narc! This blog post is where I am at in my life this instant and reading your words gives me inspiration and hope. I am focusing on me now, sitting with the pain and knowing I will be much better off than he ever will be. Thank you for creating this outstanding blog! 🙂