“If you don’t set a baseline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you’ll find it’s easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve.” – Anthony Robbins
Our standards are correlated with our level of self-esteem. People who have high self-esteem expect a lot from themselves and from others. Conversely, people who don’t think much of themselves, generally don’t have high expectations. They tend to feel like they aren’t deserving of the best things in life.
Our relationship choices are also a reflection of our self-esteem. If we feel unworthy of love we will set our bar very low. This means that we will let low quality individuals in, who will provide little in regards to building a quality life.
Emotionally healthy people have an established set of expectations. If a partner’s behavior is deemed unacceptable they will act accordingly and disengage from that person. Having standards means that your bar is already set to high. Any treatment below that bar is not tolerated. You don’t let it slide, you call that person out every time. When you expect the best and you only accept the best then that is what you get. Abusers would be caught early and dealt with accordingly.
An abuser will eventually show their true selves, it’s how we react to them that sets the standard. When you take responsibility for other people, make excuses, rationalize, or minimize bad behavior, then you are sending a message, that you have low expectations and low standards, on how you want to be treated. When bad behavior goes unchecked, it gives it a green light for a repeat performance.
You can’t ever control how someone will behave at any given time, but you can control how you respond to it. If you allow someone to mistreat you, the price you pay will be your self-esteem and that price is just way too high.
Setting High Standards
“People who succeed are not lucky, they’re doing something different than everybody else.” -Anthony Robbins
The formula for success, I believing, is finding something you feel passionately about and consistently work hard at it. Many famous people have said that persistence overshadows talent. To change any given behavior means finding the way you want to behave and then behaving that way, consistently. This is how we change. An overweight person, who decides to eat healthy and exercise daily, will change their body chemistry. Likewise. a person who wants to set their relationship bar high – acts like they have high expectations – consistently.
The consequence of the repeated behavior is that it becomes habitual. So, choose how you want to be and put on the proverbial clothing of your standard for that day. Today I’m going to be confident, I’m going to be fierce. Put that skin on for the day and see how it fits. Be that person. Try it out and see how it feels for you. The formula looks something like this:
- Set your intention for the day: Today I am going to be confident and fierce. I’m going to have high expectations and I’m going to carry myself as a person with high confidence.
- Visualize the mindset: How does a confident person act, feel, react, walk, interact… Spend time on getting to know all the nuances of the behavior. Find someone who acts that way and do what they do. Visualize yourself behaving that way.
- Put on the skin of the behavior: Wake up and become that person, put on the persona. Make the choice that you will be mindful, every moment of the day, that you are a person of high confidence that has high expectations.
- Walk the walk: Be conscious of the persona you’re wearing all day – when you walk, with what you say and don’t say, how you sit, the choices you make and how you go about your day. Hold the mindset – I am a confident person. I am fierce. I have high expectations and good things happen to me.
- Embrace the mindset: If being confident is one of those qualities you would like to have, repetition, repetition, repetition. Do it over and over and over and over and over again. Do it until the skin feels natural and your own.
Repetition is the mother of mastery. If you want to be a confident person, who has high standards, then act like you are a confident person, who has high standards.
We are the sum of our habits. What you choose to believe about yourself and how you choose to act, is entirely up to you. Pick out your skin, try it on for size and before you know it you will have mastered the art of being the best you possible.
Your Comments!!!!!!
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”When you expect the best and you only accept the best then that is what you get. Abusers would be caught early and dealt with accordingly.”
I wish i have read that line before going through 2 horrible relationships with narcissists, cause when i read that, it got really deep into my mind.
i love the article, thank you very much!
So glad to read this. Tired of the philosophy of “have no expectations and you won’t get hurt”. I see a value in that to an extent for certain situations, but ??? Having no expectations seems like setting yourself up to get walked all over and used it you’re not careful. It seems like a balancing act, but I this way is healthier, having a standard etc..
Dear Savannah
Thank you for your always helpful post.
I”m in a stage where I feel safe and fully recovered. I became VERY good in spotting narcissistic and sick people. And I eliminate them right away.
But the problem with setting the standards high is that you risk to be alone due to the enormous quantity of shit men around.
I personally don’t care at this stage and my mantra is better alone then with a man who treats me poorly.. But I don’t see many opportunities around me.
I really needed this today. It is indeed a habit to set the bar low and setting the bar low feels really bad when you get what you want. I was in quite a funk this morning when I woke up and realized I had flushed another go-nowhere relationship on Sunday. I felt sad and lonely and discouraged. Its hard to let go of the love you have even if it was only a month that you had it. But then, as I read the post, I felt a little hope: repetition, repetition, repetition. Keep holding a standard of love, respect, care and kindness. Keep saying no to everyone who isn’t the basic minimum requirement of a compassionate human being. Just keep doing it. When my lover deliberately blew me off on Sunday I knew what to do and I did it. Next!
This is exactly what I did after I split up with my ex husband. Met an extreme narc and the bar dropped until it was hidden under the very ground I walked on.
Time has passed and I’ trying to recreate myself. Not totally of course but trying to upgrade my sense of worth, so this is a good read. Very positive and gets back to mindfulness. Thank you
Great stuff again! Dream Big and Aim High! One thing is for sure change happens all the time stay positive and reach for the stars and guess what you won’t be disappointed! Work on you daily and before you know it you are very happy in your own skin! And well as far as relationships don’t have one and I’m happy without it! It is mindset and consistency! Best wishes to all!
Good powerful read! Thank you Savannah!