My 60-year-old aunt said, as she took my teenage hands in hers, “Look at her hands.” I looked down at my hands, then at hers. Her hands were covered in age spots. They were dry, and dehydrated-looking and the skin looked thin, like it was stretched too tightly over her veins. I had the young, firm, dewy hands of youth and it never dawned on me that someday, I too, would have age spots and dry, crepey skin.
Aging creeps up on us all. At 35 I remember hearing my doctor refer to my skin as “aging” and it was quite a shock to me. I had one or two very fine lines under my eyes, but other than that, I didn’t think my skin looked much different than it did the 5 years previous. Fast-forward a few years and I really notice a difference and not just in my skin.
After a certain age, Hollywood stops casting, their A-list, actresses for leading roles, based on their perceived desirability quotient and demotes them to rolls such as mother, auntie, scientist or boss. Yet, at 55 and 56, Tom Cruise and George Clooney are still rocking the silver screen as heart throbs, alongside their romantic interests, who are in their 20’s or early 30’s. Hell, people were still talking about Sean Connery’s sex appeal well into his 70’s.
Although we feel more self-assured as we age, more financially independent, more knowledgeable and certainly wiser, there is a definite perception, in our society, that our value is on the decline. Our culture bases a woman’s worth primarily on her beauty and sexuality.
I remember reading an interview that was done with aboriginal tribes in Brazil, who had little to no contact with the outside world. When they were told that we ship our elderly off to nursing homes to live out the rest of their days, apart from family, they were shocked and indicated that they thought our society was backwards. They revere their elders. They hold them in the highest regard and their importance to the tribe is immeasurable.
It should be the goal of all progressive societies that we become more tolerant and more accepting of each other’s differences. That goes for race, gender, socio-economic status, sexual preference, culture, religion and age.
It really is time for a culture shift on getting older. Humans are living, on average, about 30-40 years longer than their not so distant relatives. With advances in science, nutrition and medicine, the average woman is living until the age of 81 and the average man until 76. So why is it that we live in a society that dictates that your value as a person is greatly diminished after 40?
What that means is that for only the first half of her life, a woman is considered desirable and worthy of attention. But with 50% of marriages ending in divorce in North America, that’s leaving a lot of women single during the middle and end parts of their lives.
To compound the issue, our culture teaches us that a middle-aged man is in his prime and that his experience and financial stability makes him an ideal catch to much younger women. When we see couples like Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, we think nothing of the 22-year age difference, but when you have a May-December marriage with an older woman and much younger man, there is a part of us that believes, deep down, that it isn’t going to last, hence Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and we feel justified thinking that, like it’s against the laws of nature.
So what are we to do, then, if we find ourselves alone in middle age?
Do we give up, stay at home and eat chocolate, while watching other people live life on TV? Do we live solely for our children? Do we shrivel up and die? Do we allow ourselves to become invisible? Do we give up on love, sex and romance?
A large portion of my clientele believe that if they leave their abusive partners their lives will be reduced to just that. They think that no one else will want them, that their looks are declining rapidly, so their options are either: Stay where they are and be miserable with someone, or be alone and be more miserable by themselves. One of the toughest parts of my job is changing that perception and that being alone is a lot better than being in a toxic relationship.
Many of us who come from abusive homes don’t figure our stuff out until our 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, or 60’s…. and when we find ourselves finally ready to experience a healthy relationship, we are limited by cultural standards and stereotypes surrounding our age.
Combating Cultural Ageism and Dating in Mid Life.
The first step in changing a culture is to walk the walk of your belief. Own your gifts, your beauty and your power. Reclaim your sexuality and stand defiantly opposed to those who try to pass judgement. Here’s a few other suggestions to consider on your road to finding love again:
- Define what happy means to you and do what makes you happy.
- Look at this part of your life as a new chapter and this new chapter is all about you.
- As we get older we need to take extra care of ourselves. That means eating healthy and exercising more, making sure we get enough sleep and keeping our lives as drama/stress free as possible.
- Take pride in your appearance. Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you have to look like someone’s grandmother. Go to the hairdresser, get that facial, buy that new outfit. If it feels good to you, do it.
- Accept yourself warts and all and know that perfection doesn’t exist. Beauty is a state of mind. If you want to grow old gracefully that’s awesome, if you want a little assistance that’s ok too. Go ahead and get that chemical peel, eye lift or laser resurfacing. You don’t have to please anyone but yourself and if this pleases you, then that’s your business.
- You have lived 40+ years and have acquired 40+ years of wisdom, experience and know-how. There is so much more value in that than in a 17 year old’s bold, new, blue hair color choice. We need to start seeing the truth in that.
- Get out there and live. Stay healthy. Keep your lungs and muscles in good working order, go hiking, skiing, surfing, zip-lining. Who says that’s just for young people – if it’s fun and you want to do it – that’s your prerogative. Don’t you dare let your age stop you from doing something you’ve always wanted to do.
- Enjoy the fruits of your labor – travel, see the world, experience new cultures, cuisine and scenery.
- Go out on dates. There are lots of online dating sites that cater to older people. Get out there and meet people and have fun. You don’t have to give up on the idea of romance. Be your charming, witty self, flirt if you want to. Who says you can’t enjoy your sexuality?
- Don’t act your age. Who decides that a 50 year old can or can’t do something? If you want to do it and you can, then do it. A bonus to being older is that the opinions of other people mean a whole lot less. Please yourself first and be an inspiration to others who fear being age shamed.
Life is about breaking down stereotypes, battling cultural beliefs and pushing the envelope. Movements and shifts in perception don’t just happen by themselves. Be a warrior for change and start by shifting your perception on who you should be and how you should live your life. The model in this cover shot is 60 year old Yazmina Rossi. She caused a stir this year when she was hired by The Dreslyn and the lingerie brand Land of Women. I guess someone forgot to tell her at 60 that she shouldn’t be this sexy.
Your Comments!!!!!!
I truly appreciate your blogs and have learned so much from them. I am a 75 year old woman and because I have good skin, I’ve received compliments from a few people saying I look like I am in my 40s. On the downside, my hair is thinning to such an extent that I typically wear a baseball cap. I have been divorced for five years and have participated on a dating site
for nearly six months. Here’s my issue: At coffee dates or phone conversations, the men I’ve met have spent nearly the entire time talking about themselves (or even their grandfathers and fathers), Afterwards I find myself either laughing at the absurdity of it or I feel depressed. When feeling depressed, I don’t want to go on another coffee date, but then when someone expresses interest, I do message, have a phone conversation, or go on yet another coffee date. I am not a shy person and my son’s friends have told him how much they enjoyed meeting me. My kids’ father has said my greatest strength is my ability to meet people. I am asking myself if this is an “aqe thing” for men. As they near the possible end of their lives, do they just want to share their life stories. Maybe they don’t have anyone to listen to them. I ask myself, why are they not interested in learning about me? I realize I’ve said a lot about myself on my profile, maybe too much and that’s the problem as most of the men say very little about their backgrounds. I’d appreciate any feedback…
Native Americans have also traditionally recognized the importance of elders in their tribes. An elder is simply a man or woman, usually older than the others in the family and community, who, while not elected or appointed, is widely recognized and highly respected for their wisdom and spiritual leadership. Also, in 1 Timothy 5:1-2, the apostle Paul writes: Do not speak harshly to an older man but speak to him as to a father, to younger men as brothers, to older women as mothers, to younger women as sisters—with absolute purity.” Our American economy is market-driven. That translates into sales. Younger people tend to spend more on clothing, shoes, etc., so marketing strategies are aimed towards the young people. Indeed a cultural shift is needed in our upside-down society.
Ok Savanah, just went out and had my hair cut VERY short because I want my natural colour to grow in. Somethi g I was so scared to do before because I was so worried about looking old to him. Do you know what? It looks fabulous! Not blowing my own trumpet but I’m so pleased with my new, up front, this is me look! Thank you for your post9! Be brave everyone x
Phoenix Burning, cutting hair, doing something that takes a bit of guts and is a bit out of the groove, is exactly what we need. Savannah, talked in this post about sexual, romantic relationships and getting out of a stereotype, but some of us are either not ready for it, or simply don’t need it and it’s OK. You don’t have fight a stereotype just because somebody else’s does. You can do your little challenges like changing a hair style.
The beauty of being divorced and living on my own is that I DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING THAT I DON’T LIKE IT. NOTHING! ZERO! NULL! I DON’T HAVE TO PLEASE ANYONE DAILY, EVER AGAIN unless I change my mind and find a person that is worth it.
Oh, you know what I got myself as divorce trophy… a cat from a shelter. Ex hated cats and it was either him or a cat; ex is gone cat is in. My little, personal victory.
Ok Savanah, just went out and had my hair cut VERY short because I want my natural colour to grow in. Somethi g I was so scared to do before because I was so worried about looking old to him. Do you know what? It looks fabulous! Not blowing my own trumpet but I’m so pleased with my new, up front, this is me look! Thank you for your post! Be brave everyone x
Jolanta, that is so gorgeous! Come on everyone, let’s create a revolution! But we’re all in it together and have to cheer each other on!! No matter where we live we can communicate via internet and that’s wonderful. Thanks Savanah.
Alicia, thank you so much. I don’t know what I said to make you feel that way…but I really appreciated your comments, very kind a d I think we all need kindness. Sending you love and hope xx Hope everybody on this site has a good but peaceful weekend. Looking forward to Savanahs next post but not forgetting this one!
I agree to have a plan, get out ASAP your sanity and you are at stake, I had no idea how I was going to survive with two teenagers, but good things fall into place when the toxic person is removed. 3 years away and never felt better, even with some cut backs. Totally worth it!
Now back to the article, my grandpa is a true inspiration, plays music at open Mic every week, he just turned 90, his gf is 88. They live over 100 miles apart, find time for themselves and each other, they are happy as clams.
I truly believe, take care of yourself, do what you want, the rest will fall into place.
Thankyou Savannah for such a pertinent article. I am a 60 year old woman and although I am told that I am attractive for my age I still struggle with feeling “over the hill” that my purpose is now to be a grandma..no fit and emotionally healthy man would want me.
I have being seeing a 68 year old man for a year & that despite having more financial resources than myself (and no children)has always insisted in 50/50 split for all outings, has asked me to contribute 50/50 when he invites me to stay over for a week(including electricity!) He is putting pressure on me now to make a decision to move in with him and of course sign a binding financial agreement! I asked him why and answer being “two can live cheaper than one”. I suspect though it is because he has health issues and does not want to end up alone.
Despite having paid off my own home and having a reasonable income & stable kids he says that I need therapy for my past trauma as at times have acted out in “fight & flight” to his controlling behaviours. “i am too sensitive, too giving to my children” etc etc. All in all I am the problem! So I am currently on my 2nd therapist to work out why I am still with him (sigh)
I know that I still Codependent as this relationship reflects where I am at. I have tried to break it off with him in the past but he apologises and begs me to try again. (sigh)
Julia, are you looking for a roommate or a partner? You stay for a weekend with a guy and he wants 50/50 including electricity???!!! Are you a guest then or is he providing accommodation services? Please don’t get me wrong, I am all for fair 50/50 share but there is a difference between partnership and business.
You may as well look for a roommate (not necessarily a male) and then you won’t hear that you have issues, spend too much on the kids and need to see a therapist. Then you can sleep with the guy (or any guy without any strings attached) and he can pay his own electricity bill.
Costs of living and keeping a house are high, no doubt and if you get a good roommate you can gain a travel companion and help not only with finances but also with house keeping. There are a lot of lonely people in this world.
Julia, I agree with Jolanta. Who would ever ask someone to pay 50/50. Imagine you had a family member/friend stay the weekend would you ask that of them? Where is the love of a fellow human being there? We are all on this site because we have given too much one way or another and I understand the feeling of being 60 and fear of never meeting someone to share our lives with, I’m petrified, but that is not the ‘love’ you are looking for or deserve.
Julia,
Read what you wrote like your friend is telling you this. How does it sound?
You already know what you need to do. Good vibes and strength to you, there are plenty of fish, but you are most important.
Dear Julia, From reading your own words, “he says that I need therapy for my past trauma as at times have acted out in “fight & flight” to his controlling behaviours. “i am too sensitive, too giving to my children” etc etc. All in all I am the problem! “, I think you know exactly what to do. If I am in your shoes, I would not spend any of my life force to this controlling and selfish man.
Julia! ~ I won’t mince words. Please run like hell from this man! You have it exactly right when you said he’s looking for a caregiver housekeeper in his old age! Get out while you can!
The photo used for this story- rega Fleas of the AGE of the model, completely contradicts your message. Yes, women are judged on age, weight, size, sex appeal…. so you choose to use the image of a “young looking 60 year old in a tiny bikini”??? Doesn’t make sense.
I think you missed the point of the article if that’s your take away. I said you don’t have to look like a grandma at 60 – you can still be beautiful and sexy – take care of yourself – eat right -exercise – get out there – live life – that’s what this is about.
I acknowledged the double standard but Tom and George still look good they still take care of themselves. I did say do what makes you feel good and to me taking care of yourself feels good.
Never stay in a toxic, or even unhappy relationship, even if ending it leaves you poor as a church mouse. Preparing yourself smartly and preventing to be ripped off is okay but to stay for the sake of money – NEVER!!! Many of us stayed in bad relationships for the sake of surviving financially and for the sake of providing for the children. I did that! It was nice to afford stuff, live in a nice house and go on holidays every summer. It’s been two years now since I haven’t gone anywhere because I can’t afford it and I don’t even have a car that would be okay on a highway. Occasionally, I get a sting of envy watching my married friends enjoying attractive travels. Right away, I remind myself that I made a choice. Nobody told me to do it! I knew what it meant and I still made it. I made it because the nice house we lived in was full of negative energy, because that woman and her child that had traveled to these attractive places could never fully relax and enjoy the scene always trying to please her narc and prevent the flare ups of his dark side. When narcs travel they are out of their comfort zone and if you travel you perfectly know that you never can prevent any idiosyncrasies of late flights, accommodation traps and such. My narc did off load his frustration on me or his son. If things went great then he made sure that he would be credited and put on a pedestal for affording such a great trip. So who am I kidding that now I feel ripped off because I can’t afford to travel and I don’t have a travel companion anymore???
Who am I kidding that being lonely in my house (I fought for keeping the house) is worse then waiting for the other shoe to drop???
I am only a year past the divorce and maybe I will change my mind later. Right now, at the age of 56, I don’t even care if there are men that would date me. Don’t need it, don’t want it, waste of time!!!
It’s not only the older guys that would not open their wallets . It’s the male culture nowadays. The young generation in the name of true partnership expect just that. Mind you, women fought for being equal and now the men want to be equal. The old chivalry and treating a lady like a lady is gone, gone, gone! Men caught up and quickly embraced the idea that they don’t have to bread winners and providers; they eagerly share this responsibility with women. Do women as eagerly share motherhood, running a household and such??? How many women come home from work, collapse in an easy chair in front of TV and wait for supper to be served??? How many women ask their men to fetch them a beer and have a fit that it’s not chilled to their liking???? How many males get up in the middle of the night and tend to their babies, or remove the crying baby from the bedroom so their women can have undisturbed sleep because in the morning they have to get up for work???? Also, how many men do believe that staying home with the kids is actually hard work???
We are a long way to be truly equal. The cultural stereotypes are engraved in our minds so deeply that it will be a long time that this will change, if ever.
Drats! Even being a divorced woman is still viewed by many as something bad. So what her ex damped her for a younger one??? She should forgive and mend the relationship for the sake of children, blah, blah, blah.
Jolanta, spot on. It’s so difficult, I miss the financial security, the holidays and maybe most of all being a winner because I’m not a single divorced woman that others pity. It’s horrible. At the same time I know they do because I give out the vibes of not being happy in my situation. Something to be worked upon.
I like you and don’t even know you.. Your response was so real. I appreciate that. Wish :-* had a friend like that. Your realness is gold sweetie. Cultivate it..
You are so right on so many levels. I don’t understand how men get by with what they do!
I am 61 and after being with a Narcissist, you all know how your self-confidence is at an all time low. But I have picked myself up and dusted myself well, and know that my sexuality and confidence can return.
In a rather bizarre happenstance, I recently did have a couple nights of bliss with a friend who is 42. And before you judge and throw stones, (haha) it will probably not go much farther but it did wonders for my self-confidence. We have had many conversations, he is smart and fun, and has made a concerted effort to make me understand that not only do I still have it physically, but that my beauty is not just about my body and appearance. And please know that I am not saying to jump into bed with a younger man (or woman), but this particular situation just happened to happen at a time when I really needed it physically and mentally.
This article is great and I hope is a jump start for all those feeling down about themselves. We create our own happiness!
Rewind, good for you!
I agree with Belle in that a woman needs to be able to survive financially if she chooses to leave a toxic relationship. Otherwise, I advise her not to leave but stash cash for when the day comes that her narcissistic husband discards her for someone younger. I am fortunate that I am financially independent but looking back if I wasn’t I would have stayed in this toxic relationship knowing my partner was cruel because of his narcissism and not because of who I was. I currently choose not to date and yes it is lonely at times but I am also enjoying doing whatever I want whenever I want, but I have the financial means to do that. My 66 year old gorgeous (think of a 66 year old Sophia Vergara) widowed girlfriend tried the dating sites and found the same guys as Belle. They believe that if they are willing to lower themselves to date such an old woman (these men were in their late 60’s and early 70’s) this old woman better have money to support them!! Our society is old men want young women and young women want old men with money and this isn’t going to change. Sad but true.
Dini the point of the article is to start changing these stereo types and my God please don’t tell people to stay and hoard cash until he dumps you. Certainly start preparing, start saving, but you’re in control of the situation not a victim of it.
What you say may be true for some men, but we are not all the same either. I am 63 and coming out of a long term relationship with a female narcissist. I have a lifetime of love that was refused. I want a woman close to my age that I can have an equal loving relationship. I am not looking for her money, but her heart.
Larry
This was a great article and very spot on. I am 68, divorced and very physically fit. I work out at the gym four times a week. I try to look my best, I dress well, enjoy going out, love to dance AND have joined dating sites. Oh, I have had lots of dates BUT when it comes down to a serious relationship or love, it ends!! Both of those relationships ended because I was NOT a wealthy person. Both men eventually told me essentially that a woman should have her own money and not expect a man to take care of her!!! Both, at the end, inferred that because I did not ” chip in” on some of our dates and trips that I, therefore expected to be taken care of. Most women when they are divorced end up financially worst off than they were when married! I use to travel when I was married but now I have NO extra money to do that. I must be very dated in my thinking because I thought when you dated someone & they told you they loved you and they talked about a future, I thought they paid when you went out!! Both men, in the end, said virtually the same thing. That since I still take good care of myself, look fairly attractive, enjoy doing things BUT am not wealthy, that I am out there just trying to find a MAN to take care of me!!!! It seems if you do try to dress nicely, still have a fairly good figure, are somewhat attractive but older that instead of appreciating those facts they soon become fixatived on some erroneous belief that you are just using them. I have had my heart broken twice in the seven years I have been divorced and now I have decided to just be alone. I wish I had the money to do all the things I enjoy but I don’t. So it seems I will end up sitting home watching TV. Be sure and tell women before they end their unhappy toxic relationships to be sure they will have the financial worth to sustain them for their new life ahead!!!!
You say toe-may-toe, I say tomato. What you call preparing, start saving, I call stashing cash. The goal is the same; i.e. have enough money to give you a head start. You are in control of the situation and not a victim when you are doing this.
Read what you wrote again.
When I first married my sister told/warned me to put money aside. I was so shocked…for me that was saying I didn’t trust my husband and wasn’t marriage built upon trust? But remember we are on this site because we married or have been with narcs. Well, bravo, she being my sister was attracted to the same types and unfortunately she was right .
That’s if you are aware of what is going on. I wasn’t, I was still hoping things could the story d and didn’t want to do anything that I considered dishonest. Of course I wish I had now. But hindsight us a wonderful thing.
Sorry, I meant to post my response to Savannah, not under Belle.
Thank you so much for this post! I am 59 years old an apparently invisible or so it very often feels. I also feel almost ashamed of my age as if for example, my opinion doesn’t count because I’m old, not in the loop, don’t know today’s world. Or I’m not as agile as I once was…therefore not capable or shouldn’t want to get up and dance. And so much more! It’s a horrible feeling especially when one finds oneself divorced, unemployed for various reasons but largly health, alone after having had a defined role in society. Talking about being on the shelf?! However, your post has put a bounce in my step today and I am going to print it out to be mindful. You are right, we do have a right to exist, be treated with respect and lead satisfying lives! Once again, thank you.
You are not old. Keep going beautiful soul. I will be rooting for you. You can do it!