It is the nature of the Narcissistic beast to gain at the expense of others. They are generally attracted to partners that have resources or something they admire, be it beauty, wealth, their career, connections, or intelligence. If a Narcissist can’t benefit from you in some way they will not invest any of their time or energy into knowing you and will likely dismiss you and hold you in contempt.
But if you have that special something that makes you stand out, that something that they can also gain attention or admiration from, like fame, social standing or a degree –you will be a heavily sought after target.
Anything that makes their partner special or draws attention to them is like ambrosia to the narcissist. This is the epitome of supply through proxy. And even though a narcissist has contributed nothing to their partner’s success, they will be the first in line to collect any benefits that come with the achievement.
This topic has been bouncing around my inbox and also in my Skype sessions with clients of late. Not surprisingly a lot of my clients have PhD’s, they’re lawyers and doctors, accountants, some own their own business, and some are very wealthy. If you have success and are also a codependent then you’ve got a really big problem.
The more prestigious their target’s achievement, the more irresistible the challenge for a narcissist. Some readers have asked if some supply is more valuable to a narcissist than others. The answer is an emphatic yes. To obtain the affections of someone who is above the echelons of society, the more it elevates the narcissist’s sense of self-worth. There is nothing more desirable than to elevate their social standing by doing absolutely nothing to earn it. They get off on one-upmanship so knowing they are pulling a con on someone will have them in absolute merriment.
Deep down, the more insecure of narcissists, believe that they could never accomplish such a feat. Though this is something they will never admit and they believe, whole heartedly, that they deserve it. This won’t stop them from criticizing or taking credit when they can.
When you have success and you add a codependent and then you add a narcissist – you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
S+C+N= Disaster.
A codependent generally loves to fix, help, control and over-give. They love to be in control and in their dysfunctional thinking they believe that if they could mold their narcissist into the person that they want then all would be perfect in their world.
One of my clients that has a PhD is held in high regard in their facility and have pulled strings to get their undeserving partner into a graduate program. They’ve helped them with papers, research and their dissertation and suddenly you have an individual with a PhD they haven’t earned. Now that they are on equal footing, their partner’s PhD is no longer quite so special. They got what they wanted and off they went. The codependent is left heartbroken and feeling more used than a 1999 Dodge Caravan.
Some of my wealthy clients have invested in their Narcissists business ideas or have given them a prominent position within their company. One of them gave their Narcissist $50,000 to start up a construction company. Narcissists are generally not reliable or stable enough for this type of responsibility. He ended up spending all of her money and when she asked for it back, he left.
There are tons of stories out there about how older women in America are being targeted on dating sites by unprincipled individuals in countries overseas. These women are so desperate for affection and get so emotionally attached to someone they’ve never even met, that they will willingly part with hundreds of thousands of dollars to help them out. It happens so frequently that they have even created a term for it – it’s called catfishing.
This behavior plays into the belief that you have to be more, do more and have more just to be chosen. Codependents also love to make other people the focus of their lives. Helping someone get to where they want them to be, feels incredibly natural. The problem is that it’s usually at their own detriment. This mentality is something that codependents need to be mindful of. If you meet someone and instantly can identify them as broken, you need to change your mindset from, he’s broken, I’m broken, so together we fit , that’s Hollywood , not reality – to this person is broken and therefore not someone I want to get involved with. If you think that you are broken too, then you shouldn’t be dating – you should be working on yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because you have the money, or the contacts, or the degree, that you will be able to shape and control your narcissist. Sure they will be on their best behavior while they have to get what they need to get, but the moment they’ve achieved what you’ve achieved, or they’ve sucked you dry– your shine will fade faster than a sunset. The moment they don’t need you anymore, they will be gone before you realize it. The moment you try to make them accountable, they will do their best magicians trick and disappear.
The bottom line is that you should be looking for a partner who already has their act together, someone that doesn’t need you or your resources, but instead wants you for you and can also bring an equal amount of assets into the relationship. Understand that Narcissists don’t do integrity. They won’t harbor feelings of guilt or remorse if they stiff you. They don’t walk around thinking, ‘I owe this person and therefore I better walk the line.’ They feel entitled to all that you do for them. If you invest all that you have into someone you already know is broken, you’re always going to be disappointed and broke.
Remember the only thing that disappears quicker than a Narcissist that has shafted you, is the amount of gratitude they feel for what you’ve done for them.
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Hi Savannah,
Your blogs have been incredibly useful and I have reflected at length about my codependency issues and the work I need to do.
However I struggle with the control concept of co-dependency.
I never felt I controlled anything, he made all major decisions, I became smaller and smaller in my own house.
Do things like, buying his favourite food, making breakfast count?
They maybe stupid questions but he threw at me when I lkicked him out that I was incredibly controlling and I cannot work out what I could have possibly done…
It really does depend on the type of Narcissist you’re with Heike. The more parasitic the Narcissist the more you will have to be in control and take care of things. The more overt the Narcissist the more overt their domination.
Don’t forget projection is one of their tricks. He blames you for doing what he himself is doing – that’s their game.
Hi, thank you for your reply…
As the perpetual overthinker I kind of came just now to the same conclusion…
He’s a covert somatic narcissist…
Very charming, very focussed on his sexual pleasures…
Now with a married woman with two children who is accepting of him needing more than one woman for sex….
So sorry you’re experiencing this, HEIKE.
but I’d be willing to bet she is NOT ok with it. He has her completely manipulated.
So I recently found out the person I loved has been stringing someone else along. A woman in her fifties, who he grabbed off bumble and is naive enough to have been charmed into investing in his failing businesses. He a compulsive spender, especially when he has access to other people’s money. And if it’s a woman he’s taking from, well then the perfect scenario as he hates all of us. Don’t ever let a guy tell you. ‘I hate chicks.. good thing you’re not a chick.’
He’ll eventually hate you too.
LMAO feeling more used than a 1999 Dodge Caravan. This is exactly how I am feeling right now. I’ve tried more than once to convince my N that there’s more to life that NARCISM. We’ve been together for 3 years. She did her research on how to improve herself, she admitted that she has this problem which I thought was a good sign. However she continued to seek “happiness and satisfaction” out of my sacrifice. Being myself I always thought sacrificing for a partner is virtuous however this wasn’t the idealistic version. The more boundaries I asserted the more I seemed to be pushing her away. We’d fight so badly, we fought on her birthday where I had crafted her business’s online platform and made a framed image with all the links to the various online platforms of her business as a gift. After begging her to stop the fight for the sake of her birthday I ended up so upset that I destroyed the glass frame when she ditched me to be with her friends. Such aggression from my part was largely uncalled for and I deserve to be left for that. Fast forward a month later she started giving me a cold shoulder and detaching herself from me and eventually called it off when I confronted her about it. She sited everything I had said out of anger during the fight saying that I’m violent (I have been aggressive when angry and I did physically handle her in anger even though I didn’t hit her I did threaten her space physically which I deeply regret and absolutely hate myself for). At this point we’ve moved apart I have let her keep a lot of the furniture which belongs to me. I resent her a lot for many reasons.
As much as they take they give back or compensate in some way for what they have taken so that you dont realise what is happening or you remained fooled that they are so sweet and so attentive and loving. But when you look back and take stock, you are the one worse off and they have gained significantly!
because we feel so unworthy we won’t be attracted to an equal partner.
From day 1, he couldn’t do enough. Wanted to fix, help, pay for, rearrange, haul…and absolutely refused compensation. When I had had enough of his lying, cheating, breaking or taking or losing my things, manipulations….you know the behaviors…and told him to leave, he took me to small claims court to recover the money he had refused when he was actively trapping. Even that wasn’t enough. From the time he filed to the moment we actually went before the judge, he sent intimidating texts and he even mailed a couple of unsigned threats saying he was going to turn me in to the IRS and a couple of other bureaus. Fortunately, there wasn’t anything he could turn me in for without perjuring himself.It has been 10 months. He has love bombed three others in that time and I know when his “relationships” end because he turns his wrath on me again.
I am emotionally healthy after a lifetime of accepting this treatment from men. I fell for this one, but ended it quickly and feel that I learned the last piece of the puzzle for identifying courting behaviors used by these empty people.
I have just found this page its wonderful, but Im sitting on the other side – I can see myself in all of these posts/topics, for years thinking Im just different but now realizing I have this personality disorder N but I am female, there is much help and advice for those whom are on the other side, I wish there was advice/guidance/ for the N
Unfortunately, the using scheming narcissist you’ve described here is my mother. There is no way to get rid of her. This isn’t some boyfriend who is just wrong for you. It is beyond hard to take.
The best way to describe having a mother like this is to imagine being out in the ocean, trying to swim to shore, but you got a weight around your neck dragging you down, and every so often you go under and you have to expend so much energy trying to keep your head above water that you aren’t making much progress getting to shore. The constant lies and tricks to get money out of various family members that is almost never repaid and never spent on whatever she initially “borrowed” the money for…argh. I want to be free of this millstone around my neck. I find myself increasingly praying to God that she dies soon and I get to finally have a life.
I have even promised myself to lie to the next man I go out with and say both my parents are dead (dad died when I was young and grandmother raised me), because I am convinced this bloodsucker will not hesitate to go to my partner behind my back and ask for money. Lord help me.
I thank you for your articles. Each week they are a lifeline. It has been a year and I still can’t “move on”. This really helped to give me insight. There are days I am ok and then others I can’t believe I gave five years to someone and it’s like I never excisted to them. It almost feels like a death. I keep blaming myself and still can’t wrap my head around the lies I discovered. It is unreal that he has someone living in the house we shared just 5 months after I left. My mind knows I am better off.. But I still find myself in disbelief at the loss., betrayal. At times, I wish I could just erase all the memories like he so quickly did of me. Could you do a blog on how to move on.. When they are with someone else? I am having such a hard time. Thank you so much for your articles.
Today, my ex N made contact under the pretext of helping me move forward.
I got the recap on how he cared, enjoyed my company but didn’t think he could give me the commitment that I wanted, made worse by his meltdown that his ex wife was dying. He went on to talk about his poor 9 year old child and how sad it was scattering the ashes – totally inappropriate.
Aside from taking no responsibility for his behaviour, no recognition of his abuse, the discard and appreciation of my support he was proceeded to tell me “that he enjoyed my company and it made me realise I need someone to share my ups and downs”.
I am a bit shell shocked, I didn’t think I’d here from him. I’m thinking silence is the best response, I can’t believe he is still expecting some kind of empathy, response from me.
I have rallied the girl friends for support and have committed to 30 days of no contact and not mentioning his name. It’ll be tough but oh so worth it.
This article holds true with me as well. I later found out from my ex n that after our initial meeting, the person who introduced us told him “Forget it, you don’t have an ice cube’s chance in hell with her.” I think that sealed my fate right there. Set me up as the ultimate challenge and shiny new supply. After years of my help and unwavering support of him both personally and professionally, he admitted to me he was jealous of me. Always felt like he was in competition with me and I was winning. That blew my mind, because to me, his success felt like my success. I always felt happy about his talent and accomplishments. Never once was I jealous of him. On the contrary, he motivated me to work hard so he’d be proud of me. In reflection, I could call to mind several instances where I was really excited to show him a new project, etc and his reaction was so flat and anti-climatic it took the wind out of my sails. Now I know what that was all about.
Fractured –
The jealousy of the narcissist is something we often underestimate. It explains where the rage and anger come from in many cases. Though the N often acts superior and “above” normal people, it is obvious over time that they are often confused and angry people inside. They are always taking shortcuts, working the next scam, laughing at people who are straight shooters and who earn what they have. But inside they never get to experience what it is like to really earn something, to work hard and steadily and with focus over a long period of time for a distant but desirable goal. They bounce from one thing to the next, never stable, never getting the satisfaction of sustained accomplishment. They never develop their talents, so they are envious of those of us who do. They only bask in reflected glory and it makes them resentful. They live life behind a glass wall and are angry at that, blaming those of us who live fully and completely, who know what real authentic satisfaction feels like. They are hollow, and it frustrates them. As well it should. Once we are free of them, this is another thing to celebrate. We can (and often do) work hard and know the satisfaction of developing ourselves fully. They can’t, and never will.
You have just written my story, word for word it is exact!! OMG I cannot believe that I have just read my exact story.
I am trying to fix myself now and have been for the last 5 single years. I am Narsascist free!!
My covert ex-friend used me for my knowledge and my success as an artist. Not financial or fame but he recognized a quality in my accomplishment that I believe he wanted to emulate in his own way.
I’ve had people come to me over the years and ask for advice and feedback on their work, and I don’t mind helping, but with him I ran my course when he eventually knew he didn’t have the talent/dedication to be anything of true artistic merit.
Plus, it wasn’t going to get him the supply he was seeking, since it’s not appreciated/acknowledged in popular culture.
I don’t ever revel in my accomplishments, and so when he 1st came to me, boasting about how great my work was, I took the bait and could not let it go. But over time, he lost interest and refused to read any of my work for years b/c he didn’t want to have to compliment me and also he knew it wouldn’t benefit him.
Now he’s traded in his long-ago writing talent for a Twitter acct where he Tweets about celeb gossip. He knows I don’t respect this, and likewise, I always felt he resented my dedication and accomplishment. At 1st he admired it but then he grew to view it with contempt and would regularly denigrate it.
He viewed me more as something he could gain from, not as a person, which explains why he kept me isolated from the rest of his life, and pathologically lied about his very identity.
@Lola- The guy before my ex Narc did the exact same thing to me. I am an editor with achievements and a good resume, he was an aspiring writer.
He and I are the same age, but when we met, I had nearly 10 years of professional experience working as a reporter and editor because I finished college “on time” at age 22 and immediately began working in my field, whereas he had zero experience—he put off college and screwed off during his entire twenties and did not complete his degree until he was 31, so he got a late start in the field). We met through mutual friends, he learned what I did for a living and we hit it off. Really hit it off –we became insta-friends and later came the grey area of attraction.
He often sought my advice, asking me to read things he had written, as well as assist with freelance assignments he managed to score. And oh man did I take the bait – DESPITE the fact the he and I were NOT in the same place in life financially or career-wise. At age 31 and 32, he seemed stuck at age 25, whereas I was worried about my 401K.
I fell for it because it was flattering as hell to have a good looking man tell me I was brilliant and that he valued my opinion, and wanted to know what I thought about headlines, if he should change the lede to his story, and so forth.
There were many long nights where we sat in bars, at his place or mine, or over the phone talking about our favorite books, authors, life experiences and ideas. Something about these daydreamy conversations made me feel like I was in college again (maybe that should have been another red flag, too?)
I spent a lot of my spare time teaching this guy Journalism 101 and AP Style 101 (shit he didn’t pay attention to in class, and industry-basic things he didn’t know well because he had ZERO experience) even though I had my own workload and career to worry about. When I could have been advancing myself I was helping him instead.
As time passed, guess what? He respected me less and less — he began to act as though I did not deserve the position that I held at my publishing company. He spoke down to me. This part makes me sick, but he even somehow managed to convince me to edit his roommate’s paper for grad school. And I did it.
I realize now he felt entitled to get a glamorous editing or writing job without putting in the blood, sweat and tears that the rest of us did. Meanwhile, he was romantically hot and cold toward me this entire time, leaving my confused and off-kilter. He was a user, and he did this to me simply because he could, and I thought so low of myself at the time that I gave and gave and gave.
In the end, when he had no more use for me and my tutoring, he discarded me and holy hell did it HURT. I can honestly say that I thought I was in love with this man, even more than my ex-Narc (although now I am suspecting this writer dude is a Narc, too).
Your friend sounds like he really sucked, and he was a liar too. I’m just glad that it sounds like your friendship was purely platonic and he didn’t drag the romantic element into things (that’s what messed with my mind much more).
It took me SO long to get over this writer dude. But you know what? Now, I refuse to write or edit anything for anyone without payment, because I now know what my time is worth down to the dollar and cents.
Gosh I love these articles! As I read them I’m just in amazement of how dead on they are with the narc that I was seeing for 13 years. He started to change after the divorce from his wife and our relationship went downhill from there. I can’t wait now until I get my next email from you about narcissistic behaviors, it’s so him and just to prove my point I can’t resist sending him the blog to read. Yes I know he won’t read them nor would he ever accept responsibility for his actions but I like to get the last word! Ha!
I thank you so much for your blogs I’ve kinda gotton addicted to reading them and others experiences ,its giving me a better understanding of what I’m dealing with and the do’s and dont’s . like u said know thy enemy ,and I know him oh too well he won’t just let me walk out or for him to leave and its over,he wants to destroy me if I’m not with him, so I made a plan to save money and and leave like a thief in the night change my number and move faraway, and stand strong with no contact, one female had posted her experience and said it took her three years to execute her plan but in the end it worked perfectly ! I pray for the same outcome but I have to be very very careful because he’s a violent and explosive man a ticking time bomb, if he has one hint of what im planning the worst of the worst will happen ,thanks again your a God send
Of all your posts Savannah this one hits home the hardest. I remember the first time I slept with my N she said the usual things in that situation but added “you’re so successful.” I thought that was odd but was too far gone to really take note. I now see that from the beginning I was a commodity, good high grade supply, while for me it was love. She might as well have said “it’s nothing personal I just want to feel powerful so I picked you.”
One way the “success” aspect intersected with my codependency was that I never really saw myself as successful, even though all the earmarks were and are there. My low self esteem prevented me from seeing myself as others see me — the perfect setup for a narcissist. My N got high quality supply while I was just grateful I got the chance to be with her!
Like many of us I gave and gave and my N took and took. I lost ground in my career but have more than made up for it. And I learned an invaluable lesson: if I don’t appreciate myself and my accomplishments I will be victimized again. The path to serenity starts with self esteem. Simple but not easy for me. (Al anon helps a lot.)
Now I see clearly that all N victims are successful and valuable in important ways. The abuse we suffered was not random — in an odd way it’s a compliment to our excellence. I just had to suffer a while to figure that out.
Hurtin Cowboy
I am so grateful to have found your articles. I am starting to realize how to heal myself so I don’t keep attracting these people. Thank you.
I helped my narcissist partner and then husband to move to my country, gain a masters and then join my department’s PhD programme. As soon as he managed to get a departmental bursary that meant he was no longer reliant on my financial support, he announced his intention to leave me after 9 months of marriage. No matter that this was only five days after I left hospital having lost the twins I had been carrying and was already emotionally distraught and physically battered and was about to start teaching in the new semester. He spent the next 3 months looking for somewhere to rent, telling me he would leave when he decided, not me, and establishing a new social network from which I was completely excluded and comprised sympathetic females to whom he told a sob story of abuse and control on my part. Meanwhile he never once offered any emotional support nor needed any from me and I was too afraid to bring it up myself since I anticipated that he would be cold and cruel. The one reference he did make was to adopt the habit of greeting me with “Daddy’s home” when he returned to the house and so I knew what to expect from him. He left once he’d found a place to live but strung me along for the next three months suggesting that we might reconcile and returning to the house to stay with me 3 or 4 days a week. You might wonder why I allowed this but I was still so shell shocked and in a state of disbelief that he was really doing what he seemed to be doing after I had spent the past 7 years doing all I could to support him, financially, emotionally and to achieve his ambitions. This ended when he finally allowed me to meet his new friends but triangulated so spectacularly that we had a huge row which ended that charade and resulted in his taking his wedding ring off. Two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. However, he hid this from me for three months and we continued to see each other regularly. When I found out I began to initiate no contact so he ended that relationship and told me that while he had no intention of returning to me, he would not see others and wanted to stay married to me so that he could apply for a marriage visa when his student visa ran out. This was so blatant that I actually didn’t believe that this could be the real reason. But it was. When he found out that having separated from me he would no longer be able to satisfy the new immigrations rules in the UK, he then tinder shopped for a new girlfriend and now she’s official. Just as this was beginning he announced that this separation was dragging on too long and he no longer wanted to see me. He hoovered after 12 days though, assuring me that this new relationship would end as soon as he found the ‘right time’ as he didn’t really click with her. In fact he was simply grooming me to be the other woman as he been successful in doing that with the first hidden girlfriend and it suited him as we had a great sex life and it gave him the opportunity to continue to control me and humiliate me when it entertained him to do so. Look how low he had brought me. I had a successful academic career but that vanished in June last year after I had failed to perform adequately while coping with his behaviour when he moved here in 2012 and finally, all but shutting down after the loss of the pregnancy and his extra cruel behaviour at the end of 2014. He has actually sneered at me about the loss of my job since then.
Again, why did I let him hold on to me after he had moved out? It was because I simply couldn’t comprehend that I no longer mattered to him and was desperate to believe that I did and that he was struggling to let go as much as I was. Despite the fact that the relationship had been extremely rocky throughout he had always assured me that he loved me more than anything, that I was the centre of his world and that he was in it for the long haul. And I loved him in a way that I never imagined that I was even capable of. I’ve finally taken steps to try seriously to keep him at bay in just the last few weeks. I’m quite sure that he’s in the process of duping this girl who, from what I can tell, is extremely malleable, will buy his stories and do all she can to rescue him. He’s very attractive and she won’t be able to believe her luck that she’s picked her as she isn’t. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he marries her but it won’t be for too long I imagine.
I had no intention of writing all this but once I got started I couldn’t stop! However, the main reason that I’ve written is to say that, yes, you’re right Savannah, he hugely admired my intellect, my confidence and my ability to inspire others. And I turned the third class degree that he left University in a developing country with into a PhD from a very well respected Scottish University. He is certainly bright enough but I single handedly taught him how to be a scientist and held his hand into the new environment that he is now thriving in. One of the main reasons I helped him go that far with his studies is that he always complained that, as things were, I would always outshine him and that this made him feel very uncomfortable in the relationship (he’s also quite a bit younger than me although he said that wasn’t a problem – and then all of a sudden it was of course, especially when he began to acquire his circle of student friends). When he took his ring off and came round to show me we talked and one of the reasons he gave for deciding that the relationship was definitely over was that he had a problem with me getting more attention than him in social situations, or even where a waitress would ask me if I wanted to taste the wine rather than him. Now that he was going out without me he found that he was the one being asked to try the wine and he liked that much better. And little over a month ago he actually admitted for the first time that one of the problems with the relationship was that he “envied my brain”. So as much as they admire our qualities and benefit from them, they resent them and they’ll become deal breakers if they can’t be extinguished.
Wow K incredible story and I totally relate to all of it. The lying and tinder shopping was just a typical experience for me. The comings and goings. Only being nice to me when he was lonely and had no other woman in his life. The aloof way he would cast me off when he did have an interest. It’s so obvious to me today. I realised I had a massive massive problem and set about changing myself after he assaulted me in a hotel room after an argument. It hasn’t been easy but when my focused switched to me and my behaviour things started to get better. He’s still in my life, we work together, but I now recognise how I contributed to my own unhappiness. He can never be trusted and can never be believed, there is no benefit of the doubt. I discovered that the more he denigrates or criticises a woman for her looks or her behaviour then it will definitely be a woman he is targeting or meeting and almost always using for sex or money. If he tells me he’s not seeing anyone else and we should get back together, rest assured he will be working on someone else but just hasn’t been given the go ahead from her yet so he will be hedging his bets. So he is currently in the aloof casting off stage again. (casting off from what I don’t know cause we aren’t together) grumpy, short, critical etc. This will continue for a couple of weeks or until he gets what he wants from the new target (always sex) and when that is all finished then he will start being nice again. I’m pleased that today I have made progress.
Hi K, some things you wrote are similar to my story. Met one in a developing country. Was convinced we fit. He came to Germany and I helped him to get into a study Programme of 3 years. Just a month after he got his certificate and had signed a permanent work contract, he separated. Going on a long holiday to his home country, the lady in waiting (he said there is no one) directly visited him. After this relationship extreme things came up, he turned passive-aggressive and posted disrespectful comments about women in his native dialect in social media. He changes completely. Directly moved in. And said he wants someone that fully follows him and what I would be a career woman, forgetting to recognize that because of my business and salary he could pursue his studies shared accommodation. What’s interesting that his old friends from home say he has changed to the negative. I can be lucky we were not married although we were planning it and he gave wrong promises. And I wasted 5 years. Now I have completely started a new life, with a new job and new people and I take care about me knowing many red flags now.
I am still with the narc in my life but fortunately I did stop the financial backing and support that I gave at the beginning of the relationship. I learned early that I would get nothing back from him in the financial arena when he had a windfall and spent it all on himself. I am so thankful for this site and the articles, I am waiting on the day when I have the strength and will power to say “I am done, get out”. Until then I will keep getting a little wiser about my narc.
Sheila T, hang in there! I spent 10s of thousands of dollars on my narc ex. When I quit spending it was the beginning of the end. The strength and willpower to remove him from your life permanently will come. For me, cutting out one CD behavior at a time worked. Each time I quit participating in his sick, twisted games in a small way, I gained strength to remove him from my life. It is not completely over, but I am not responding to texts or answering calls from him. Absolutely no engagement of any kind except “the rest of your stuff has to be gone by Monday. What’s left I will dispose of.” Yes, that’s legal, I checked with an attorney. And I carried through. I had to block his number because of the numerous attempts to weasel his way back in, just like he weaseled his way in 2.5 years ago. Please, get wiser about yourself instead of attempting to get wiser about him. Please, dig deep within yourself and find what it is you need to remove him from your life permanently. Best wishes
Excellent article. Some of us continued pull new rabbits out of the hat until mamma rabbit was old and a bit tired of the gig. Presto we were abandoned like fish. Trying to pull my life back together at age 69.
I’d completely forgotten about this aspect of narcissists. You’ve reminded me how I felt when I began to heal and work on myself, and how on looking back at my relationships I realised that they all seemed to grab onto me when I was a rising star, then drop me into the mire once they’d replaced me as that star. And leaving me completely demoralised and worthless, of course.
Another thing I’ve just remembered is how I couldn’t understand why after being amenable and doing so many lovely things for these so-and-sos, is how angry they would get if I was unable to comply with their demands. It was as if everything else I’d done meant nothing…which it hadn’t of course, as they only think of their current wants and not what’s been done for them in the past. As you so succinctly said, not one smidgeon of gratitude or feeling of obligation at all.
Excellent reminders, Savannah. 🙂
Oh boy!!! I have lived this a few times!!! But thankfully my perseverance paid off about getting to where I want to be. It may not even be money but having a smart, successful woman who wants to be in a relationship. The NARC smells your want and like a shark smelling blood, they woo you and win you over by their charm and endearing words. But it doesn’t last. I have started dating a man a few months ago and I keep looking for signs of a NARC. I don’t know if I will ever let my guard down again.I don’t think I will ever FULLY trust another man again in my life. But I am happy and content where I am now. I just wish some of my friends and others would see that they are worthy people and that the NARCS in their life and out there in the world are broken BEYOND HELP and to stay away from them!! Be strong and push through the initial sadness and loss, you will survive without your NARC!!! I did and so many others here did too.
I had a tiny catering business with my ex-husband when I met my narc. When I left him for her (joke is on me), the whole thing fell apart. My ex-husband just couldn’t work with me (I get it) and I didn’t have the money/knowledge to do it without him (sadly he couldn’t do it without me either). I was okay with letting the business go because I was happy with the “Love Of My Life” and expected a different future for us,but my NARC used it as a tool. “You were Confident when I met you (FLAG), you had a business..You CHANGED”. Luckily, I was able to snatch my house from foreclosure and keep it during the divorce, while my Narc still lives in an apartment. The damage from being with my narc on my life, my ex-husbands life and my son is STAGGERING, simply staggering. I was so happy..was. Now, I can never see myself in another big love and I can assure you I will never, ever let myself go into a Free Fall of letting go and trusting again. Ever. Not a bad thing I guess, but makes me sad to realize there are no ‘fairy tales’ out there. My Early Warning Detection System is turned up high and that is a good thing.
This is my story. What an eye opener.