Betray: verb
- To deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty.
- To be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling.
- To disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to.
- To deceive, misguide, or corrupt.
Betrayal is more than just cheating. It’s the result of pretending, or falsely representing one’s intentions. When you are betrayed in a relationship, it is the vilest of all relationship crimes. Any type of loss is painful, but with betrayal, the experience is exponentially more excruciating.
Narcissists and Psychopaths are masters of betrayal. For one, it is a matter of collateral damage, for the other, a matter of sport.
We know that Narcissists have an impaired ability to feel empathy and this results in an inability for them to comprehend how their behavior is affecting those closest to them. For a Narcissist, it is all about need fulfillment. When the potency of their current supply is on the decline, like a drug addict, a Narcissist will seek out newer supply, thus discarding their current source. They generally do this by becoming distant and aloof and eventually cutting contact. Most people involved with Narcissists have experienced this cycle at least once. They are often not even thinking of their partners during their hunt. Their focus is on obtaining new supply and hurting the ones that care about them is often a byproduct of getting their fix. The manner in which many just disappear is a byproduct of not wanting to take responsibility for any wrong-doing.
A Narcissists greatest ally is doubt. Doubt on the part of the victim, is what allows betrayal to perpetuate. Doubt thrives, because a Narcissist’s true motivation is so irrational, that the victim never sees it coming, nor can they believe that it is even possible. Normal healthy people don’t egregiously cause the suffering of those closest to them. Yet when you’re involved with a Narcissist this is exactly what you get.
When a Narcissist is betraying their partner it is not something that is going to bog them down with guilt. The reality is that the devastation their behavior causes is an afterthought, a bump in the road to getting what they want. They have an arsenal of reasons and justifications and they lack insight into their own behavior, so getting a straight answer is near impossible, because chances are they don’t really understand it themselves. Narcissists are also fairly impulsive, they see something they want it and they go after it. They don’t put too much thought into it other than that. So the reality really is that they’re not thinking of anyone but themselves and getting their needs met.
Nostalgia, history, family, personal integrity, self-discipline, mean nothing to a Narcissist bent on obtaining new supply. Cognitively, they know cheating, deceiving and betraying are not characteristics one wants to be labeled with, so their goal is always to cover up their deeds and deflect responsibility for their actions, so they don’t acquire that, ‘bad guy,’ rep.
A Narcissist’s ego preservation techniques are off the charts. They deflect blame, shame and guilt by projecting it onto others. “If you didn’t reject me for sex all those times, then this wouldn’t have happened.” (Actual quote from my long-term Narcissist) They minimize their involvement and responsibility. I remember even hearing, “I don’t know why you’re so upset. People break up all the time,” and the truth is he really didn’t know. My emotional reaction was making him feel uncomfortable and he couldn’t grasp why I couldn’t just get over it and move on like he had.
We all want to matter, especially to the people we are the most intimate with. When we are unceremoniously tossed aside, it’s devastating. It is not abnormal to expect that the person we’re involved with would have actual feelings for us and when their actions tell us just how little we actually meant to them, the pain is beyond anything else. When you have been sold a lie, that you desperately wanted to believe and you find out that it was all just a big scam, you feel stupid, foolish, and ashamed, on top of the enormous amount of heartache.
The betrayal is not rational. Only someone who is phenomenally twisted would go out of their way to hurt someone who loves them. Normal, healthy people don’t go around hurting people.
Codependents will initially internalize the rejection and make it all their fault. In the post-relationship analysis though, many will come to realize that something is off and they’ll go searching for answers to the riddle. It’s at this point that they will start to get some clarity into what they have been dealing with and will gain an understanding of just how dysfunctional their partner’s behavior really is.
If you are still involved with someone that has betrayed you, take a stand and put an end to the madness. If you keep allowing someone to abuse you, all that does is weaken your self-esteem and prime you for further abuse down the road.
Don’t try to make sense of it, or try to understand why they betrayed you. So many people that I counsel are always trying to make it their fault. When you’re involved with someone that has an emotional impairment, there is nothing that you can do, no hoop big enough that you could jump through, that would make any difference to the outcome. That kind of thinking is illogical. If someone has betrayed you once – one time – that should be all the chances they ever get with you and one of the first boundaries you set for yourself. Once someone has crossed that line – it’s adios.
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I was betrayed by a person I thought of as a close friend and by people I thought I could trust.
I emptied my soul to them and they turned around and for the sheer pleasure of it took delight in making my life their own personal playground in hell. Her final words will always echo in my mind as she spoke of her lover who absolutely threw himself at me almost daily in an effort to gaslight, demean, threaten mentally and physically.
She said the one sentence that all brought our friendship to a close as she specifically spoke about her fiance with glee — “We had a lot of fun together. ”
It was the most heartless thing I’ve ever heard her say….now, I know what she’s really made of…
I thank you for that it rang true I have been 23 of hell with my x narc whatever he was. I wish all this information would have been around then . To every girl out there the first inkling he’s odd leave all women deserve better .mine had a happy normal family there is no excuse just evil.
OMG! What a nightmare. I had no idea that such evil even existed. I’d never met or at least never recognized anyone as a narcissist and I wish I never had. Looking back once I figured it out all the pieces fell into place. It got so bad that it was physically making me sick. I was nothing but a toy. Actions didn’t match words ever.. it’s a cycle of idealize, devalue and discard. People are simply interchangeable to her.. All the time, the 10’s of thousands of dollars spent, my sanity and my heart tossed in the garbage while she laughed in my face that there was another. So, vile of a person. While I understand it’s a disorder, it’ pisses me off because she was self aware. She knew what she was doing would devastate me and she didn’t have a care in the world as she smeared my name to everyone she talked to and slept with how many men behind my back. It says nothing about me and everything about her. She may have taken me down a notch but I rose back up. I know I’m a great man, great father, great son, great brother, a great lover with a giant heart and I won’t let her take that away from me. I deserved way better. Way better.. and I know I have value.. so much to give. I just gave it to the wrong person who only pretended to be something she wasn’t. Life’s too short!! Move on!! Easy to say but hard to do. It’s nothing that tears can heal. Only time can heal something like this..
I have well had this ‘friend’ that is related to my partner, i thought i could trust her with anything i told her but I made the biggest mistake by forgiving her the first time. I thought she was gonna change her ways even promised me she would never hurt me again, I only recently learned by signs that she is a narcissist. What she done was that i said a few things to her in confidence by message that she would keep it to herself but she goes and tells another person what i said. i should’ve learned from the first time not to forgive her but this time my eyes have well opened to her actions and i will never forgive her or trust her again with anything as I’m finished being friends with her. This article helped me realise what she really is
I know, me ex-N will betray his next “partner” – the new provider, just as he betrayed me. It was not physical, he did not screw around, did not have the chance, but it was mental, emotional.
LIES!!! So many, so twisted lies!
It kinda gives me a bit comfort knowing that it is how he is, what he is. I felt back then so bad, so guilty, distorted, mentally affected by his accusations and attitudes. I blamed myself for many months. Even afterwards.
Our sex was great from the start, really outstanding, a bliss, Soon after we got involved, he started withdrawing and said it was normal from where he came (NYC), to have 2-4 weeks inactivities… I was very surprised as I’ve never heard that before, and argued with him rationally that something in this concept was not right… We talked about it several times, I tried to bring in different angles, his childhood, any abuse, etc. etc. To no avail; he promised to get better, but never did… In fact, the opposite happened. Any discussion or disagreement was used to withdraw from physical closeness, hugging, caressing, signs of affection. I felt PUNISHED!
At the end, it was an ordeal for me, as I craved our merging, our sex – and was afraid to NOT GET IT. Each time we were active, I already then anxiously anticipated the long weeks without sex. Crazy, right?! Then I tiptoed around him, to not “offend” or “irritate” him. Other times I got mad. Ohmy! I still feel a bit ashamed writing it all out, but I guess there are other people who suffered this especially wicked control/withdrawal drama… Pls feel free to comment below,
No need for shame, people have basic needs, Maslows hierarchy..I feel you, hope you are done with that sht and doing great. Best wishes
This exactly what happened to me, I can make no sense of what happened and why, This article does help give me a sense of what my ex wife had become .
Same for me.
After 18 years I am still not sure what is my ex. But he he fits in some categories and some categories he doesn’t I’ve been divorced 18 years then he turned and he stalled kidnap my son my blood not his I’m still devastated over that I just pray a lot I still don’t have words to make sense on paper about what actually happened or what he is
Soooooooo glad this article came up when googling “sense of betrayal”. I was dumped unceremoniously on the phone on Valentine’s Day after an 11.5 year relationship. I called to see what time he was coming to dinner and he said he wasn’t and that it was time for us to go our separate ways. We’ve only spoken once since then (after an 11.5 year relationship), and that was a couple days later when I called him and asked if we could talk and he was the absolute coldest uncaring disengage person – not the person I thought I had been in love with for 11.5 years. Even now, typing about how cold he was in that phone call 10 months ago it’s making me cry. The tears are surprising me a little because I thought I was past the pain and had moved to resentment at the betrayal, and I have made progress, but maybe not as much as I thought. I just cannot believe someone can say they love you every day for 11.5 years and then one day go stone cold and never see you again. I’m starting to get obsessed with wanting people to know what he did, what kind of person he really is, and I know I’ve got to stop that because 1) they don’t want to hear it and 2) it will just feed his narcissism even more. This is like nothing I’ve ever gone through in my 54 years….. Thanks for this article!
I know this is year old but I understand. I hope by now you aren’t crying anymore. I just wanted to tell you that I am so happy that you shared that when you spoke with him that he sounded disengaged and cold because I keep thinking that I could talk to him… but now I don’t want to because I don’t want to hear that coldness in his voice. I have been through enough.
I am currently going through this right now and it hurts bad! I am starting to realize its not the pain of losing this person who is really sick, it’s the betrayal. I confided in this woman (31).I knew she was from a messed up home and she lured me in and played the quiet, hard working lonesome woman. Like many victoms of these sick people, I thought I have finally found someone who was as genuine as me! Little did I know that she would be colder than my worst enemy. I am a loner because I grew up in a toxic family and kept to myself because most people in our community are low lives. I was doing well before I met her and my life was in progress, I met her at the age if 30 and now im 32 when ended. I should of ran once ive noticed the sighns. The lack of empathy and the cold behavior. I’m not saying poor me but I ask myself how could someone do this? How can someone come into your life and show care and realize that you are a loner( not by choice but circumstances) and then take advantage of your compassion and hart? On my half, the good side is I am putting the peaces together like most of the victims and I realize my mother suffers from this disorder. If anyone can offer advice or support please email me @ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Great article. Thank you so much for this. It’s exactly what I needed. Finally so much is making sense. Ugh.
I have just found out that my wife of 9 years has been cheating religiously. She is a textbook narcissist and the pieces have finally fallen into place. She has no idea that I have found out her secrets and I’m carefully planning my exit plan because there is a 7 year old involved in this twisted game. She gave herself away intentionally which is something I will never understand but I’m playing the game by acting like the gullible and naïve husband I’ve been for the last 9 years. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I never understood how someone could go from perfectly calm and seemingly happy and affectionate to a raging monster with no compassion and love. I’m not sure what lies ahead but my son is the world to me and I will never let her destroy him the way she has destroyed her daughters from a previous marriage. I feel like I’m in a nightmare but unfortunately I am living in reality…
Good evening Frank,
I would first encourage you to find a professional counselor to speak with. Or even a faith based counselor for free, if insurance does not cover counseling. Betrayal clouds ones ability to think clearly . The hurts of betrayal can also quickly turn to bitterness that further exacerbates ones already crushed ego.
In regard, to the 7 year old I have witnessed first hand the devastation of the children in such cases. Documenting your choice to seek counseling for yourself is also beneficial in the courts, should this come to a court battle. There are apps which are court monitored which show every exchange between parents. They keep things on a more even kilter so the kids are not caught between warring parents. And one or both parents who might be unable to control the deep resentments they feel ! Prayers being sent.
I’m a little shocked by some of the comments by, seemingly, adults. The guilt and sympathy they feel for their abusers has to be addressed. There shouldn’t be any courtesy extended to the narcissists. When you want to ‘try to understand” the narc, switch your train of thought and remember how your souls have been raped. Personally, when I feel that I want to give my ex narc consideration, I remember the abuse in the forms of: gas lighting, triangulation, lies, cheating, smear campaigns, physical abuse, abuse of the children and animals. Then I look in the mirror and think, “Oh no you don’t”. Do not give the narcissist any consideration. What they have done to you is equivalent to being raped so project yourselves by fighting back. Do not fold, do not let nostalgia get the best of you. Hold your head up high, throw your shoulders back and proceed.
I stumbled upon your anrticle tonight and I must say it is spot on! This describes my ex husband, Troy Speace, perfectly! I never truly knew the meaning of narcissistic and sociapathic until I was trying to figure out why the relationship was ending. I’ve often thought of writing a book !
Hi there,I check your blogs named “Narcissists and Betrayal – Esteemology” on a regular basis.Your story-telling style is witty, keep up the good work! And you can look our website about proxy list.
I read this article and I feel like you interviewed me before you wrote it. I was married to “him” for 23 years…and have just realized in the last month that he is a narcissist. I have been able to begin moving on now that I am understanding his bizarre behavior and why he did the horrible, painful things he did. It has been 5 years since our divorce and until I discovered he was a narc. I was an emotional nightmare. I am finally starting to heal! I have no contact expect for the text he sends me to say when he is picking up our daughter, once a month. I am so grateful to people like you who are speaking out to help people like me!
Thank you for this excellent article. I am in the beginning stages of leaving my Narc and it’s minute by minute for me emotionally. I was with him for 7 years and I feel like a blind idiot now that the veil has been lifted. I helped him through a horrible custody battle in which we both ended up being falsely accused of molesting his then 3 year old daughter. As a result of the patent false allegations, he ended up with sole custody 4 years ago and I have been raising this beautiful little girl as my own. About 6 weeks ago I received an email from the biological mother, who hasn’t seen the child in 4 years, and it contained naked pictures of my Narc in our bathroom that he was clearly sending to this woman. My world was completely turned upside down. He blamed me for his indiscretion, saying that I had been emotionally vacant for years and that he had an itch that needed to be scratched and I wasn’t scratching it. He blamed me drinking alcohol, he said that he had been wanting to leave me for years but kept thinking I would change and go back to being the girl he fell in love with. I spent several days taking the blame of his 3 year cyber affair onto my own shoulders, thinking that I was the one who had caused him to stray, but in talking to him one night he admitted that he had been physically having sex with her the first 2 years of our relationship and that the whole reason she had put forth those false allegations against us was because he had ended his secret relationship with her. WHAT????? I basically said, so you are blaming the past 4 years of your indiscretions on me being emotionally vacant and not the girl you fell in love with, but you are admitting that you were cheating on me the whole time that I was the “girl you fell in love with”? To that he replied that “If I wanted to martyr myself on that infidelity cross and not take any responsibility for the demise of our relationship, I was in for a long life of suffering”. I left him, took all of my personal belongings and moved to another state. Blessedly I have a job that allows me to live wherever I would like, so I’m going to do travel contracts for a few years while I try to heal. Once I was physically away from him is when I finally realized that I had been in a relationship with a Narc all this time. He has sent me very demeaning text messages, telling me that I “abandoned my daughter just because I was mad at him” calling me a narcissist for leaving her, basically trying to guilt me into coming back to him for her sake. I miss her terribly, and I worry about her every minute of every day, but I have no legal rights to her and I cannot sacrifice myself to this man any longer. I’ve been hearing from other people things he’s saying about me and it’s so hard to not want to defend myself because I gave him 7 years of my life! I dedicated every second of every day to making this man’s life better for him and his daughter. I sacrificed time with my friends, family, my own sons, gave up hobbies, dreams, goals, all because he demanded so much of my energy and time. I’m angry, sad, bewildered, so many emotions all at once. I have a great counselor and so many people reaching out to support me, so for that I am very grateful. It’s just going to take time, time to deal with the shame of being so loyal to someone who was so manipulative, time to learn what I want out of life, time to heal these wounds so I don’t make this mistake ever again. I’m terrified and excited all at the same time. Thank you Savannah for this website, I imagine I will be a frequent reader.
Thanks you CeCe for this. My ex said today him and his son who I have been raising for the last 10yrs, will be “out of my hair” on the 1st. And I love the child, but I was wondering how am I really going to heal and still be in the child’s life. I started to feel guilty at the fact that I don’t want to.
Thank you for an excellent article.
My ex N is an investment banker and I am a lawyer, we were together for 3.5 years. 7 weeks ago he began discarding me, and slowly the extent of betrayal came to light before the final discard – as he now plays with two new sources of supply.
He’s a covert N and nobody would believe he is a bad guy but luckily we do not have mutual friends so my own support is untarnished.
There is so much value your posts bring to ppl struggling with such harrowing pain. Thank you
Thanks from the bottom of my heart for this article and the validation it so clearly brings for me. I’m finally finding some inner peace and learning to release myself from the shackles of my N husband.
Thanks Again Savannah.
Thought I’d share the following message I sent to the N husband, it says a little about my personal experiences whilst being his supply – but it says much more about my escape from his cruelty.
Here it is:
Don’t take the contents of this message to mean anything other than what it is, i.e. the truth – its not a ego stroke or a sign of what I’ve so willingly put up with for 25 years by way of vesting my time on you to help you see the light and get real. I’m not that fool nor your object anymore.
I don’t expect to prick your conscience because you don’t have one, well, not on any deep level anyhow.
As the saying goes “all good things come to an end” and for you it truly has. Your regular supply is no more!!
You demoralised me into thinking, feeling and believing I was absolutely nothing, that I was unimportant, that my thoughts, feelings and needs were totally
Unworthy. That I was scum beneath your shoe!!
Over time you most definitely succeeded in getting me into lowering my expectations, boundaries and needs on every level to the degree I became and believed I was just a convenient object that was just there to serve you and your overwhelming, selfish needs for ego brushing and your sickening need for attention and gratification. Yes I definitely became your object!!
I don’t know how I have survived on the few miserly crumbs you conveniently threw at me now and again, yes, just like you’d trained me to do, i clung on to them for dear life and sadly convinced my self that that’s all I deserved. You played your selfish, twisted games very well didn’t you. You cruelty drained absolutely everything from me over the years, my self worth, my confidence, my feelings, my thoughts and my sanity. I have crawled until my knees bled at the hands of your deep seated, disturbing selfishness, you have slowly but surly tortured my very soul. That was my very existence, yes, existence, whilst I became your slave.
All that wasn’t satisfactory for you though was it, no, you wanted even more self gratification, you then had to demoralised me even further by having an affair and through out that affair, you abused me again on every possible level. You tossed me aside yet again like an old piece of trash. Id served your purpose and now you wanted a new target.
You ran up there like a little lap dog to get your supply of attention and ego brushing. You degraded me with your lies about me, actually no, you lied about who and what you really are didn’t you.
Yes slating me in my absence where I couldn’t defend my self, even a rapist in court has the opportunity to defend himself. Says a lot about you doesn’t it hey.
After all those years of abuse, you expect me to not only get over it but you try and convince me you’ve changed, mmm you no longer put me down to others you say. Well aren’t I the lucky girl, I should be on my knees thanking you.
You have not changed one bit, stop fooling your self. Your still the trapped little boy you’ve always been, your still the selfish, using crumb thrower that you’ve always been to. And your still so emotionally unavailable that your hypocrisy and double standards are absolutely pitiful.
Your attempts to suck me back in are cringing and a damn insult to my intelligence. I’m sick and tired of your lack of acknowledgement to the fact that I’m not the same person anymore, I’m no longer the slave to your desperate need for gratification and ego brushing. So please give it a rest will you, its soooo very boring.
It’s my time now, I’m looking after ME, Im getting Me back and living the life I deserve, free from your shackles, free from your abuse, free from your shallowness and most importantly free from what you had me brainwashed into thinking I was, that being nothing!!
Wow. That brought tears to my eyes. My X Narc gambled our home away. I was married to him for 15 years. I am chocked at his double life. I am sure there is more to his story. I left in December, with the three kids. He plays games. I try to keep it just to the kids. The hardest part for me is realizing that he reduced me to feeling like garbage. He is so selfish and acknowledges nothing. Stay strong! These people really are lacking the empathy chip. Their humanity and heart have not evolved. Rebuild yours! I wish you well. Hugs. This site has really helped me. Tremendously!
Boy oh boy Savannah, again another mind blowing article for me.
I just went 7 days of “no contact” after my ex messaged me to tell me that she had never been happier and didn’t know what a relationship was until she met her new girlfriend, killed me and what breaks my heart even more is that they are the exact words she said to me 9 years ago and I fell in love with the love of my life.
Then out of the blue on Wednesday night a week later, she messages and I am hopeless, I contemplate answering her for a few minutes…I’m so hopeless. Anyway she says she is on her way over (3rd time since she found her new woman). Anyway she says how much she loves me and misses and thinks about me constantly. She has kicked the girl to the curb because she was becoming to needy (what a lie). She says she wants to be “friends”OMG. Then you can imagine we have the best sex ever and even just laid in bed hugging for ages.
Messaged me all the next day. So last night I messaged her and what do you know…………NOTHING.
She doesn’t want me fulltime, but doesn’t want me to have anyone so she throws me crumbs and I love it.
Lies after lies, I was convinced she found this woman on the internet (I did see her on the website), but my ex said oh no I met her at the gym. Well funny that because my ex had stopped going to the gym months before when we were still “happy”I thought.
How will I ever get through this. I am so in love with this woman and act like a kitten every time she want to play, I run. I’ll try again but I don’t think it’s going to work.
My ex N betrayed me and our three year old son in the worst possible way,my little boy told me a few months ago that dad had behaved inappropriately sexually towards him.ex N was sexually abused as a child,his sister confirmed it,but he denies it completely. When I confronted him about what my son said exN lost it and threatened to kill me.Stayed with friends for a week and while there got phonecall from police saying they had reasons to believe I kidnapped ex N’s son.he has now applied for guardianship and access.i went to police,child protection agencies,play therapists but apparently I am powerless to keep this man away from my son as my boy is only three years old and its now my word against his in court and he said I made it all up because im jealous of his new girlfriend…I just dont know how to protect my son from this man.
I went to my court hearing yesterday. Got my 1 year restraining order. He agreed so quickly, because I am sure someone gave his oblivious invincible mind a clue, about his stalking and Harassment, and the laws behind his stupid actions, it was already considered 2nd degree stalking- fines and prison. I never saw the parasite, leave so fast with no rage or rant, it was entertaining to watch, of course he had to mention to the judge I miss and love her still, manipulator. Made me want to punch him in the face!! So glad I discarded your pathetic self THE BEST PREDICTION OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR, THESE SPIRIT SUCKING DEVILS NEVER CHANGE, THEY ARE DAMAGED INDIVIDUALS, LIVING IN THEIR OWN PITY PARTY, READY FOR ANY EMPATHETIC PERSON, TO HEAL THEIR WOUNDED SOULS!!! MY ADVICE RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, FIRST RED FLAG IS THE BEGINNING OF THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE FROM HELL THE DEVIL COMES TO STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY. BYE BYE SATAN YOU CAN LIVE IN YOU LONELY HELL!! HAHA, I AM FREETO BE ME!!
I can tell you how they act when they’re hurt and need surgery, suddenly, they love you so much and are the man you’ve always wanted them to be, until…..they feel better, and are flirting with another woman, and kick your ass out, again. Been there, and that finally did it for me, thank goodness! It took that after 3 years of his cruelty!!!
I clicked the link but didn’t go. I’m recovering from what my N did to me. 5 years I was with him going over seas once a year to see him. I flew twice to meet his son which I was never allowed to. I was head over heels duped out of my savings to pay for his visa. Came in August left in February. I’ve never been treated so bad! I was a single mom 3 years paying for everything he came from a country where degrees are free and wages are shit but I was the one forking every dime. I work 52 hours in 3 days and like 80 hours a week to cover plane tickets lawyer bs and pay for his moms surgery! He got here got mad when I tried to do my own laundry or clean but bitched he was doing it. Which I told him sit down let me I know how. Sex turned into a way to manipulate me. His X didn’t put out even once a month. We talked about kids 2-3 years and night we get married he says that’s over! He wanted out of his former but she got knocked up to trap him which his X said I was trying to do the same. He went back to her acts like I don’t exist and his words b4 he left not touching you you could get knocked up yet he knows I have an iud and trap me just like she did. She was seeing someone and broke it off just b4 he left and the whole time typing him that’s great ur in love but whose gonna take care of me. It makes me sick I bought him glasses and the thanks I got was being choked and told they were not good enough for him. Honestly I think they both were n’s and his n ness became more so when he was with me as I’m not one. I’m curious if an n can turn a non n into an n cuz she did a hell of a job. Never have I met such an asshole! I cried 3 days and after he left which he didn’t tell me he was doing I wanted to go chase him down and talk and get us on track. My friends said if I go and he hurts me I have no legal stand. I’ve been in health care 5 years I love what I do he didn’t so wanted me quit find better work accused me sleeping around while at work and the days I had split shift I’d come home for my hour break and he’d be on phone with friends not even acting like I existed. He took psych as his second degree and had the audacity to call my autistic son ” he’s not autistic he’s just a brat” fought at my moms on thanksgiving and when he got near me to kiss me he grabbed my throat and I screamed. I wanna press charges against him in his country but no idea how. I never knew ppl like this existed till him. I’m convinced he’s spawn of satan ! He used my kids and me and idk if it was more him or more her that’s why I asked can a n turn a non n into an n? Little by little I’m picking up the pieces but it’s not easy.
Hi there I have just recently split with my wife after 14 years of misery! It wasn’t until the end of the marriage that I found out she has NPD which explains all of the feelings and negative thoughts towards her. At first I thought she was just bossy which I could accept a bit. But as time went on it got worse. My job wasn’t good enough. Presents I buy not good enough. Everything I did wasn’t good enough. Considering I do everything around the home including working full time. I forgot who I was b4 I met her. I had to be someone else at home and at work I’m me again. She cheated once on me 4 years ago and I took her back now she’s done it again after she took us to counseling to try to work on the relationship which did not go well all the blame was in me not trying hard enough. I have lots to say but it’s not easy I still have to live with her as she won’t move out! She is making me ill by still being here and even though we are not together anymore she thinks that she can still control me and the children.
Thanx for your article. This is exactly why I started searching to make some sense from this madness. I could not understand why would my Nar tell me he loves me and then the following week, he will come with the silent treatment. Worse is that I did not do anything to upset him. He just wanted space. Then I figured out that he was playing me all along and cheated on me. Did not even had the guts to tell me, I had to drag it out of him. We broke up and I had questions, like how he could just move onon, does he not miss me? I tried to make sense out of it and that is when I stumbled onto your blog. Thank you Savanah.
I’ve been thru the Worst nightmare ever in life with a N! Unbelieveably cruel, distant, cold-hearted and Crazzyyy at its best! This guy was 60.. He love bombed me to get me Im 10 yrs younger. I wasn’t attracted to him, not at all.. He used Persistence to finally pull me into his sick sadistic thinking world!! Within a few months all the bliss, gifts, out of town shopping, his attempts to get back with me,all affection and compliments were gone, everything just stopped, He went silent treatment. wouldn’t answer his phone, or not even let me visit his apt. I couldn’t understand what I did wrong?? He said everything was wrong… The way I looked dressed, my friends,my finances, my sons, I had a list of who I could speak to, where I could go, I felt like a 2 yr old in this relationship. He constantly belittled me every chance he got. Ive been called names I never knew existed.. But yet after a few weeks past he calls like nothing happened however he calls Ranting and Raving!!!! I recently found out he got has put me on a Barred list!! Me who has no priors in anything, not even a ticket.. This article has been helpful and I have been out of a relationship with him for 3 months, however he still wants to come over on his terms when he gets ready. I was glad to hear I wasn’t the only with this kind of Monster!! Still getting counseling, still seeking Detachment help… Found out he’s got someone else already in his apt complex, the one he barred me from.. The one I can’t visit.. Im so hurt, so painfully out of it, I cant eat or sleep just from the chaos he keeps clling me with Im not even with him…. Does it ever stop??
Kate,
Im dealing with the same thing with My 22yo son as well. Its gut wrenching. I dont understand how since he was abused in any way, over praised without reason, i just am in shocking and torn up about it. I dont know what to do, except pray. I hope things get better for u. God Bless
Thank you for this lovely post. I am six months free of my N physically and in the process of divorcing. Did trauma rehabilitation for four weeks and released the grief associated with the demise of the 18 year relationship, 12 year marriage. The sun is out again in my life – I surround myself with people who LOVE me. I love me – finally. I can actually feel my body and my mind recovering from this hell I was living in – or more accurately, existing within, as it certainly wasn’t a life. I can identify with so many of your posts, have clarity on so much because of them. This “relationship” never really was – I am a recovering codependent and was basically a nanny. Things said to me were so revealing, and I simply could not/would not allow myself to comprehend the discard going on straight to my face.
Times have changed. So grateful for working toward healing and enjoying life.
I look across the table at divorce negotiations to a lying, manipulating, and actually snarling with his lip curled up when speaking “of” me as if I’m not even in the room and think to myself YOU POOR BASTARD. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DRIVE OR HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE OR WHO YOUR SCREWING NOW – YOU DON’T DESERVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Please keep posting your wonderful words of wisdom!
Life-saving article. Thank you
This article resonated with me immensely. I cannot believe what I’ve endured. The drugs. The abandonment. The criticism. The blame. The lies. The hurtful words. The fundamental betrayal of our wedding vows.
He is gone now. I cry. My tears are for myself. For all that I have endured.
I just found out that my ‘friend’has been talking badly behind my back. I pulled it out of a mutual acquaintance. He had been making nasty comments about my looks, and lying that makes me look bad. How, on earth, do I break off this relationship, let him know that I know what he’s been saying, without throwing the other person under the bus? I could find some way of suggesting that he was apparently not too careful one night and someone overheard and it got back to me, but that might backfire. I am in the ‘need to fix it’ mode. I refuse to have him talk S*** about me and get away with it. And just no longer speaking would be extremely obvious and can also cause problems. I cannot believe I didn’t follow my gut. I thought I had him pegged a while ago, and I chose to disregard it. He would keep assuring me, etc….etc….I guess we all now know the drill!
I am coping with this I still work with him
This is my x-wife to the T. 25 years of marriage blown up. I’m getting past the marriage, but have a lot of work to do to rebuild my self emotionally.
Oh, the havoc the narcissist wreaks. I was charmed by one many years ago and subsequently married him and he fathered my children. I believed that we were soul mates and that the love was real on his part and that we would always be together, though I had seen many troublesome red flags in his behaviour quite early in our relationship. When I really needed some support he was totally emotionally absent and soon found a new source of supply and abandoned our family without a backward glance. I have basically raised my children alone and now one of them who is 28 years old is showing disturbing signs of having been brainwashed by the narcissist. That is the most heart wrenching part of it all to me as I realize that I am probably losing him.
However, I think what we must remember is that as painful as the whole experience is, (especially if for many years)we can learn to truly love and value ourselves as we needed to do before the narcissist entered our lives. I have gone within and therein lies the answers. I now strive to be truly authentic and to call out bad behaviour (even from my children)and I no longer seek vaildation from without. This can be a lonely path at times but I am much happier with myself and I won’t keep company with those who don’t recognize my true worth.
I wish everyone love and peace and that begins with you! God Bless
I saw this quote and it reminded me of the content in your article: “Trickster is at one and the same time creator and destroyer, giver and negator, he who dupes others, and who is always duped himself … He knows neither good nor evil yet he is responsible for both. He possesses no values, moral or social, is at the mercy of his passions and appetites, yet through his actions all values come into being. ~ Paul Radin
StrongerToday, I had dreams too of N and the new woman, and about my longer term ex. It’s bizarre because I don’t know her at all, don’t intend to and don’t remember ever dreaming about him before. They were perfectly factual dreams. I think they have stopped now, about 5 months since the final discard and my determination on minimal contact for necessary reasons.
At Christmas I thought it hurt that they were in a couple while I was single but if that came into my head, thinking of “proper” sensible couples i know who are in long term relationships was much more soothing. Or not thinking about couples at all and distracting myself with old and new friends.
I’m thinking seriously about whether to move to another part of the country as my continuing involvement with the group of people he is part of (as the result of a shared activity which I could pursue elsewhere) means I can’t guarantee zero contact. Also, the reason I stayed in this town after I split with longer term partner did have to do with the N. Won’t rush into this and will base the decision on my own needs and desires, knowing that I take my own personality and insecurities with me unless I can do something about those.
And Dini, thank you for the Wordsworth quotation. I have found some of the books recommended here hard to get on with but I love literature and find solace in it. The final discard co-incided with my retirement so I have been re-reading old favourites. For a classic relationship with a Narc just look at Marianne and Willoughby in Sense and Sensibility. Jane Austen saw it all back in 1811. I recommend a Future Learn course called Literature and Mental Health. That’s a UK based site but people enrol from all over the world.
I guess now I’m out of the relief and euphoria of no contact. But I’m a long way from recovery. I realize it’s going to take some time to recover from this 8 year relationship with an N. I’m having really disturbing dreams of all the infidelities. Last night in my dream i reconciled with him. When i went to his house another woman was there. A “friend” she said. He made her leave as if that would be helpful. There was another incident. I asked to see his phone and he said no. This is going to take some time to get over. I so understand the actions of his ex wife now. She cut off all communication with all members of his family. They were very hurt but now i know why she did that. I hope the dreams go away soon. I’m also having dreams of my ex husband.
Wow! Do you know my ex-husband, Savannah? Because this article sounds like you were a fly on the wall of our marriage breaking up!
My ex actually told me, “If you only loved me more, then I wouldn’t have cheated. A part of me figured if I wasn’t getting the kind of attention I wanted from you at home, why shouldn’t I go find it somewhere else.”
To this, I told him, “Do NOT hold me accountable for your choices as a grown adult. I will not take responsibility for that.”
Still, five years later as he’s getting ready to re-marry, it can still be hard, especially since we have to interact for the sake of our kids.
Bravo on this post – it speaks immeasurable truth.
This article resonated with me. I was involved with a Narcassist, and when he was through, I was devastated. He promised me a future, and said he had waited so long for me to come into his life, and then he seemed to lose interest about 4 months into our relationship… drifted further and further, making excuses why he couldn’t see me on a particular night.. then gone with a “I thought that was what I wanted.” Did not entirely let me go, though, with texts and phone calls.. finally I got strong enough to tell him I did not want to hear from him EVER again. I told him he had hurt me more than anyone had, with his promises, and he never even apologized. It was only then that he said sorry. empty. too late. unfelt. It’s been over a year since contact, and sometimes it still haunts me………
Milie, Thank you so much for the good wishes. It has been almost a year since I’ve had no direct contact (through our divorce attorneys only). Not a day goes by where I don’t think about him but I am so much happier without his rages. This website and a book called “Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited” by Sam Vaknin was how I figured out what was going on in my life. Both have been life savers in figuring out I wasn’t the one with the problem. When I have times of sadness I will go to this website or read the book and it snaps me back into realizing how fortunate I am to have moved on. Before my split, I thought Ns were people who were just self-centered; I had no idea how destructive they are.
I also remember a few lines from a poet named Wordsworth “What though the radiance which was once so bright, be now forever taken from my site, though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass or glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind”. In the very beginning of my marriage I did have happiness so I focus on that time. Although I know it is true, to have to accept that I meant nothing to my husband for 37 years is too hard for me to do at this time.
If you’ve never seen the movie “Splendor in the Grass” with Natalie Wood I recommend you watch it. The above poem was in the movie. Hugs to you and everyone else in recovery.
The narcissist in my life was my best friend of ten years. I didn’t realize how much he had put me thru until one day he apologized and said I needed to talk it out and let my hurts go, or it would destroy me.
But you have to trust me, I won’t hurt you anymore, I promise. God told me that I needed to help you heal he said we would be friends a long time. 2 months it took to trust him , and the day after I said ok, he betrayed me to everyone I knew , told every secret, used everything he knew to hurt me and that was that never saw him again
My ex Narc has just decided to re-appear after almost a year of me going NC with him, & he still thinks he can just pick up the phone & act like nothing happened. Your right, they have no conscience, & I know I’ll never get an apology from him even though its taken me a year to pick up the pieces & try to put myself back together. I feel as though I never knew him at all, & the whole relationship was based upon a lie & broken promises, not to mention being all about HIM for 4 lousy years, satisfying his needs. He often told me it was all my fault, as I didn’t take an interest in his job, family, friends, or pay him enough attention, so what did I expect he went off with someone else! So now he has the cheek once again to send a message saying ‘hope all is good there?’ (as he’s still living overseas), & pretending to care, when more like he’s run out of supply, I casually replied, ‘yes great thanks, much better without you in my life!’.
“We got up when he wanted to get up, we did everything he wanted to do, we went to bed when he wanted to go to bed.”
Dini, your post says it all. Isn’t it amazing how suddenly it all becomes clear. Good luck on your journey forward into your own precious life.
Accidentally hit publish before my rant ead over. To cut to the chase, i have learned from this site it is because I have healthy boundaries, morals, character and a conscience. As opposed to the N I was involved with. The anger tonight is of the hook! !
Tonight, I’m raging. You are so right when you say they have a million justifications, no conscience and that they don’t even see an issue. And it’s finally sinking in that you can’t expect them to act like a healthy person.
When, and IF, i borrow money from someone i keep track of it. If i tell someone I’ll pay for their flight out to see me, i keep my word. If i use someone else’s insurance money that was supposed to be used to fix their home, to pay my own bills, i would be sure to pay it back. Well first i would never use that money on the first place. If someone was living with me and we split i would be sure they got access to pack all of their things they brought into the house and split anything we had acquired while together.
I would never get on a singles site and meet men of i were already in a relationship
Yeah, I’m finally feeling free of my narcissist, but looking back at my previous relationships I see they were all about HIM, too, as my childhood was all about my MOM. And friends are saying “You should try online dating,” so I checked it out and I recoil: All those guys looking for “companionship” (I read “sex”.) and then I think of all my sisters in this column saying how they finally kicked the guy out after 20-35 years of marriage and I recoil, knowing that until I get my childhood issues resolved I will be inclined to get into another relationship with a narcissist–at least at some level. No, my time now is for more healing, for taking care of me, for learning who I am, because my life had always been about somebody else.
I just don’t know how. I’m not strong enough to to leave.
Someone once said to me, “Once you have had enough, then you will leave.” After 12 years of total disregard for my feelings, I left. You are stronger than you realize. Don’t let your fear of being alone or the hope that he will change, stop you. Blessings. Karen
I love this article. The number of times he was with another woman was less than a handful, well maybe 2. But the overall betrayal is mind boggling. It was constant. I can so clearly now see his constant anxiety, his constant need for ego stroking, his constant need for supply. It all exhausted me.
I struggled with my health when we were together. I gained a large amount of weight, developed diabetes, high blood pressure and developed a pretty good lack of concentration. I felt crazy.
I used to struggle to take my meds and go to doctor. Now i see it was my life with him. I was so preoccupied, obsessed to try to figure out how to fix this life. There was no fixing it. My therapist told me i was hanging in there waiting for him to change. She said her is never going to change. My mind was never at peace, always racing, always thinking. Now after nearly 3 months no contact, i finally have all my prescriptions filled, my bp cuff at home and my glucose meter. I’m taking meds and monitoring my health. I’m still not exercising or eating right but one step at a time. It feels so good. I’m beginning to take care of me for the first time in 8 years.
My bills are being paid on time for first time in 8 years. I would have been ruined financially if i had stayed with him. He’s a user, totally selfish and has no conscience. He kept a great many of my things i had moved into his house. Doesn’t phase him a bit to take and steal from someone else. Good riddance crazy man. Don’t miss you one bit. Thanks Savannah…extremely helpful. …again.
I’m so thankful to have found esteemology; knowing I’m not insane, stupid or alone in my struggle means the world to me. I’ve recently went no contact again for at least the 20th time in 7 years! Although I’m ashamed to admit I’m still trying, each time I read how others are in the fight as well, I gain new strength to not give up the fight for my soul. It truly does take away a part of your life. If I could have a superhero power it would be to go around avenging those who have been abused by these parasites! Thanks again for this invaluable blog…. let’s never give up on ourselves, no matter how many times we backslide, we’re worth the fight!
I broke up with my N two and a half months ago after 2 and a half year relationship. Luckily, I stumbled upon this website two months ago and have been reading Savannah’s writings and her readers’s comments ever since, which helped me tremendously to understand what my ex really was and his behaviors which did not make sense to me last year or so. This article articulates so well why normal people have such difficulties to deal with these people with NPD. Thank you Savannah! I don’t have an ounce of desire to go back to my ex and I don’t trust him nor respect him. Confirming his lies and cheating was good enough for me to move on. But I have been wondering why I have been feeling betrayed by my ex when his actions leading up to our break-up could be interpreted as part of “People break up all the time”. When I read “Betrayal is more than just cheating. It’s the result of pretending, or falsely representing one’s intentions”, I could understand why I’ve felt such a strong sense of betrayal. I know my ex has an arsenal of reasons and justifications for his behaviors and his brain has no ability to comprehend / acknowledge how he has deceived me and his other exes before me. My ex was my first experience with a N in my life. As Dini says a leopard’s spots never change. I feel I dodged a fatal bullet ! Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.
I recently separated (5th or 6th time) and he said “I can’t imagine you not in my life. Why can’t we be friends? You are my best friend!” When I state for my sake and thru the healing process, I can’t be your friend at this time. I get an aggressive “It has got to be all or nothing with you! You are so effin selfish!” Then the codependency part of me wonders..Am I being selfish? I know I need a break to heal. I do recognize my needs but the doubt is always there of Why can’t I just be his friend. I admit, tried this before and reminded him of it. He would do something OUTRAGEOUS during these times and I would get upset. Then he would play the “friends” card or treat me like a child saying “if you could just get along with me for 3 days then maybe, we could be together”! Reading this post and everyones replies (though I am sorry you all went through it) I recognize I AM NOT CRAZY!!
I have been reading this over and over today. Every line is so true. I am struggling with the realisation that he isn’t who I thought he was. When we were together it was so perfect which makes the discard so cruel and unbelievable when it happens.. Stupidly I went back to him and it happened again 6 months later. This time he told me to go and treat myself with some retail therapy!!! I really think that they don’t have a clue as to the devastation that they cause. He also told me that if his new ‘friend’ didn’t work out then there would probably be another one……and if that one didn’t work out then perhaps he could give me a phone…….(I think by that point I just laughed at him) He is 63 years old. It is 6 months since the final discard. I am stronger and the pain has lessened but I think about him every single day.
Very informative for anyone that has ever been involved with an N. It takes away a part of your life.
Savannah,
Like so many others here, so look forward to Mondays and your posts. Thank you.
This one sums it up so well.
These are not human beings, they are heartless animals.
Thank you for once again bringing clarity to a relationship phenomenon that is often so hard to grasp, much less describe. People always ask me “what happened?” when I talk about my new husband moving out less than 4 months after our seemingly ideal marriage. Without an understanding of the patterns of narcissism it truly makes no sense. It took me a year to get out of my codependency, sort through his ever changing reasons for why I was to blame, and see this betrayal for what it truly was. Your blogs have been invaluable! It is still difficult to explain to people, especially those unfamiliar with NPD, but knowing you and others “get it” makes it much easier to live with. Thank you.
This is us exactly. When I was no longer of use, after coming and go four times, he just left me for dead. Never talked to me again. Never saw each other again after a 40 year relationship and 35 year marriage. At the end, he said: “I’m a bad person. Stay away from me.” “I’m not a bad person. I just fell in love.” “it was never good between us.” Referring to his girlfriend: “She’s just so loving.” “Even a word can get you hard.” (In case I was wondering about their sex life) And even though he never touched me, he suggested that i watch porn by myself and that if I had had sex with him the weekend before he finally left, maybe he wouldn’t have left. All a total mind fuck. In addition to the total financial abandonment. At least no one is lying to me now. The danger is- when they make you feel you are nothing- you believe it.
I can empathize with each story here, especially dini and lulu because my marriage was 40 years–most of my years. My experiences w/narc-ex mirror yours. Soul and spirit sucking devils that are mere shells of a real person. One of the plethora of problems we have post-N, is being believed by others, but especially your own attorney and the judge if you attempt to exercise your lawful rights in a divorce. It is impossible with a narc-they don’t negotiate, mediate, and refuse to share what was earned, cared for, or purchased by their victims. In fact, they destroy it just like they do to their partners, or anything that may impinge on them getting what they want. I’m left with complex PTSD, and many health problems, some very serious now because I cannot take care of myself due to new disabilities. He stole and spent the retirement money, doesn’t give me support by avoiding (through lies) the hearings, and final settlement because he moved 2000 mi away where his online affair lives, into the free home of a sugar-momma widow with $. HE was impotent for 10+ years (blaming me of course), thus he used the chat-room to entice her from afar–love bombing with lavish gifts, the whole 9 yards while he financially abused me. I could no longer be his mommy, his man-woman, his pretender (that all was okay on the home front) and the person to bail him out by borrowing $$ from my late father. I lost everything–home, IRA’s, friends, health, sustenance–after being his work horse for 40+ years. Now, on Medicare and low SS, I worry about having a king-narc for president… Peace, love, and goodness to each of you. Remember, the Best day with your Narc is far superior to your Worst day without him/her. (((xxx))). The article was outstanding, Thank you!.
How do narcissists respond to illness and when they need surgery??
I thought I had mastered the way to spot and avoid these people, I thought I had recovered myself enough to try having a relationship again, but, sadly I learned instead how wrong I was about that. I found that when he presented himself like a little lost boy that I reverted to my role of mothering and caretaking, the vulnerability was my cue to express my vulnerable areas. And then when I was really beleiving in the possibility of a future together, and love, he revealed that he was feeling like I was trying to take over his life, meanwhile distancing himself more and more. Revealing along the way the truth of things I had directly asked about at the time that when he needed me -he scrambled to cover up…now the truth reveals that I was right all along about every single one of those things. He see’s nothing wrong with what he is doing in this discard-but since I have been here before, I broke it off with him.
So, remember, it’s so much smarter to wait for someone to prove themselves first before you believe them. And that you never let your boundaries get pushed into a place that they feel more comfortable with, they just wanted what they wanted from you, and if it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. And will be soon.
I came into my N life a week after he dumped the one before me, saying “she did not appreciate the GIFT God gave her”. And that I was THE one he has been waiting for. Having had a bilateral mastectomy, he told me the first time we were to be intimate:”show me how God sculpted you! ” and i fell for that “deep emotional expression”… he said that my ex was stupid not to appreciate a wonderful lady like me. We spoke marriage few months later, and dreamed how and where we would live with our big family. … 10 month later he left me for the first time (of what will turn out to be a yoyo relationship). He introduced me to a married friend of his whom he used to refer to as “my sis”… i became very close friend with her, she even became my confident (specially each time he used to leave and give me the “silent treatment”. She was the one who would tell me why he is upset at me, and she would be the one who would call me to tell me that he is going to give me another chanc… funny! After three years of ups and downs… and more downs till i reached rock bottom; where he would insult me in front of his friends and in front of MY OWN CHILDREN, I knew he wanted me out, but he wanted ME to leave, because he had promised my kids, my parents and all the saints that he will never leave me! He wanted me out but not in a hurry; cause eventually, he was using me as cover up for his blooming relationship with his so called “sis”. Her and her husband were the only couple we hanged out with. Curiously enough since he was antisocial.
By the time i realised the twisted dirty situation they both put me in. I felt and still feel :stupid, blind, naive, used, abused… what hurts the most, is that i did not get the opportunity or the courage to have a closure. they are still together openly for the third year, (she left her husband ) they seem doing well and my pain is still the same.
Great article that I just need to read over and over. I’m struggling to get over a relationship with a Narc and recently he contacted me to say how he missed me and still loved me and went on to say why it was MY fault that he had to break up with me. I know this will be hard to just say NO NO NO, but I am beginning to get it!
“People break up all the time”. Exactly his words to me when we broke up. Spot on.
And I was told, regarding him breaking up with me, “Sometimes these things happen.” R I G H T. With no warning, THESE THINGS HAPPEN. Never one single indication that something was wrong. And I never saw him again. POOF
My divorce was recently finalized after 37 years of marriage to a narcissist. As strange as it sounds I didn’t realize I was married to a “N” until we separated. I knew something was not right throughout the years but thought it was normal. I caught him in one affair and no doubt he had others I didn’t know about. But I forgave him and took him back. Please, ladies, if this happens to you, don’t take him back, he has no respect for you and he won’t change. As Dr. Phil says, “The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior”. It is true. I didn’t want it to be true. A leopard’s spots never change. Now, I see that I meant absolutely nothing to him other than a secondary “N” supply which of course he doesn’t see. We got up when he wanted to get up, we did everything he wanted to do, we went to bed when he wanted to go to bed. I gave up my desires, down from the smallest ones to the larger ones in order to keep peace and live like he desired. Nonetheless, I was tossed aside as mere garbage and he, of course, immediately had a girlfriend lined up and continued on without missing a step. He never looked back. I am now mourning a lifetime I gave up but he hasn’t given a second thought to us. His parting snarky comment was “I will always cherish the memories we had”. I will never forget the cold phony look on his face when he said that. I didn’t even recognize him. He wasn’t wearing his mask..he was showing me his real self, the devil. Thank heavens for websites like these which made me realize it was never my lacking or fault that was the reason for the failure of our marriage although he tried to pin it on me by saying I just didn’t make life and him happy anymore. Please, all you women out there, don’t give your life away for these monsters. Get out as soon as you realize you are involved with a “N”. They won’t change, you can’t help them. Fortunately we didn’t have children. I have a friend who is going through the same rejection as me but sadly her husband is also rejecting their two children..children don’t have the capacity to understand that their rejection by their father has nothing to do with them…they internalize it and it can destroy their lives. Stay strong.
Hi Sav. I am almost two years removed from the narc. Recently I thought it was time to let go and forgive. Before he left he stole money to which I was able to recover. Problem I am having is when I forgive I feel weak and I have been obsessing about him again. Thinking of how much I miss him. I don’t believe he has changed nor will he. He has a new supply. How can I be forgiving and still resist those old feelings. Help.
My narc friend lied to me about his entire identity for 7 yrs. There was not ever a time he was being honest with me and he’d come up with all sorts of excuses but the best were when he blamed me. ‘I wouldn’t have [ ] if I had been able to trust you.’
And ‘North American males are not that open.’ And on and on.
He never admitted his lies were lies or deceits but rather, turned them into his ‘right’ to withhold things and it of course was all my fault for why he did what he did.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked.
His response: ‘I’m not going to tell you for your convenience.’
Honesty isn’t a necessity but a convenience. He also told me once that he was a ‘prize to be won.’
Shitty prize, I’ll say.
My narc would always pout and say, “I am a good man.” It was me who was making him bad?!?!?
Excellent article.
Barb: Mine used to argue how he was not the bad guy. That I was hurt and told him this was somehow me hurting him. Unbelievable.
He wanted me to take ownership of whatever I did to make him do this but he would always play the innocent victim, like he had no choice.
Truly one of the best articles I’ve read that summarizes the Narcissist experience. Well written. I will share this link liberally.
For me personally, the hardest Hill to climb was in accepting that we are merely pawns of supply for them; on top of extreme confusion and anxiety when they first pull the devalue/discard fun, it is just too painful to grasp that we meant such little to them. This is where I see a lot of folks get stuck: which only sets us up for their revolving door of wash, rinse, repeat cycles. Peace and support to all who are struggling with this.
I had been married 45 years when I found out that my husband had been having online relationships with at least 6 women, all in Asia where he sometimes traveled for work. One, from Japan, he promised to bring to the US and to marry. The others, he talked about “lying with them, holding them, and being very, very close.” When all of this was found out, it took 3 months of therapy for him to understand that his behavior was infidelity. I am not sure even now that he believes he did anything wrong. He did say that he didn’t think I loved him anymore. We are trying to get past this, but I have so little respect for him, that it is difficult. I would like for him to move out, but we are too old and cannot afford maintaining two households. It has been 2 years since he was “discovered” and I am still devastated.
“Codependents will initially internalize the rejection and make it all their fault.”
The N will also make sure you feel like it’s your fault. When I was cheated on by the N, and said how he had hurt me, he twisted the whole thing back to me. He said (quote) “That’s not fair! I followed our agreement, and now I am the one who damaged you?”
Our “agreement” was that I once told him I wanted to know if someone cheated. Which didn’t mean I gave him a ‘get away free’ card to actually do it. Anyway, he went along with his pity party claiming HE was hurt by my comment that he had hurt me. I ended up apologizing to HIM. Go figure.
They will twist and turn everything around, so you are actually apologizing for THEIR bad behaviour.
Your story is spot on, and I hope everyone that’s reading this will get out. Relationships with these people, or rather creatures, never end up well. It’s set up to go badly from the get go. Be safe everyone!
Susan, please if you’re going to work with him…get counseling. You’ll need the support and tools to deal with YOUR emotions. I need to believe that 60 is Not too old to start over. I’m 54 and am scared!!! They “N” don’t care! I came across this web site by accident. Now, after reading the article…WOW!!! Someone, anyone tell me I’m wrong. My guy is 20 yrs younger, but old enough to know right from wrong, and the consequences for HIS choices and behavior.. He has a wonderful mother! But to hear him tell his story his family wasn’t supportive and they didn’t have confidence in him except his “sainted mother”. The first yr and half was like a dream for me (us). There were Red Flags, but there were also Reasonable explanation for his behavior. I so want to tell my Nightmare of a story, but…how? He has lied, cheated (I was depressed and she had a t.v., “I didn’t know she was that kind of girl”), blames everyone else, OMG! Does he ever. occasionally steals (not his fault “It’s the clerk’s fault” or “the store’s fault”)it’s my fault it’s our daughter’s fault. I could go on about how it is Everyone else, but him. He will concede for a moment that He is responsible, but at a moments notice or a later date “you’re crazy…”. Almost Everyone is against him. “My mommy will always believe me.” and She does. “You owe me”, Where would you and ### be without me.” (step daughter). “I have a right” “I deserve” “You’re dumb-ass” He even started charging me rent. I paid. Then he denied it. I have proof that I paid him. He would accuse me of lying, being sneaking, cheating, didn’t like my friends. He would say horrible things about my daughter. Accuse her of the same things. “I know I was a teenager once.” “Sooner or later I’ll catch her in a lie.” If he went to the doc’s with me…he had the same problem. The eye doc. with ### (step daughter) he’s a welder and he’s concerned about His eye sight. The doc told him to make an appt..He spent a Great deal of the money I had and when it was just about gone he got his own acct. and told me if I wanted something I had to ask. He NEVER asked! “That was then and this is now.” The amount of money he spent on drugs and drinking I didn’t realize until about three weeks ago. “You knew I was an addict.” No I didn’t…I would have NEVER gotten involved with you! I had been diagnosed with acute Hep “B”…”but I…”he didn’t finish his sentence. He Refused to be tested and had Every excuse not to including Not wanting to take the day off from work. When I pointed out that he had taken the day off to go with me his reply was, “I wanted to hear!” I asked David one day, “How did you get away with it? Regarding his deceitfulness and behavior with His family and friends. He said, “I learned to tell them what they wanted to hear.” “I was the good son.” In the beginning of our relationship he would say, “I’m a f#%@K up.” “You don’t love me.” “I hurt everyone who loves me.” “I want to change, but my family doesn’t believe me.” Where did all this get us? My daughter and I ended up in a Very Bad place. She started cutting and burning herself. When my little girl started doing it again and I asked her for prayer she asked me, “Is she doing it for attention?” I told her no and explained. She then said to me, “Poor David” her reason for this was, because of HIS tattoos.? We both were (are) fearful of what he might accuse us of, say, do, or the Hateful apology…that LOOK of Hatefulness or Disgust. We both were in counseling and We both Want to go back into it. We both have been diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I am ISOLATED!!! My baby seems to be do So much better. She has Always gotten excellent grades. Her report card was a 3.76 and He said “good job, but…” It wasn’t until some friends of his went on and on about it that HE finally chimed in. She has learned how to tune him out. I thank God for the protection he (God) has given her!!! As for me…I am back in the emotional turmoil. I am fighting the emotional thoughts and his words that ring so Loudly in
my head, “What kind of mother are you?” Were would you be without me.” “You’re a crazy psycho bitch.” “You’re dumb-ass.” “You owe me.” “Who would want to marry you? Look at you.” My baby is afraid of getting married and having children of her own, because of him and what were are going through. I am even afraid for her. We are dismissed and irrelevant to him!!! What I am sharing with you is NOTHING compared to what we are living in!!! I just discovered this site yesterday…I have known for at least a year maybe yr and half that he is “N”…now we are in nine years into the relationship and I have NO energy, no thought as to how, Very little self-worth…I am just trying to buy time until my baby finishes high school. Then I don’t Care what happens!!! I do believe or know that I AM someone special, I have so much to give, but…I don’t feel that way, if that makes since. My heart goes out to him, because one of his fears is that He Doesn’t want to be alone and I know at this point and time in his life he will be.