Motivation, drive, desire, passion, whatever you want to call it, people have been trying to figure out how to get it and how to harness it for centuries. What makes LeBron so much better than everyone else? What made Payton Manning stay and practice harder and longer to perfect his arm? What made Sidney Crosby shoot pucks into his mother’s clothes dryer all night, while all of his friends were watching TV and playing video games? What makes people work harder to achieve their dreams, while others continue to dwell in mediocrity?
We all know it’s easy to do nothing. By its very definition nothing requires that you, well, do nothing. When you sort of want something and you put forth minimal effort, what you get are minimal results. So how does one get massive results?
Motivation is a tricky thing. You have to really, really want something enough to force yourself to take enough action to get it. As with most things, change isn’t easy and it takes time, so you have to continue to find enough motivation to push yourself through the grind, until you’ve reached your goal. This is where most people get stuck. They’ll do something for a while and then for whatever reasons, pick one there are lots, they stop doing what they were doing and revert back to doing what they have always done.
Contentment the Opposite of Motivation
When you’re okay with the way things are in your life, you’re not going to take any action. You have no incentive to change, or do anything. So it’s safe to say that contentment is the opposite of motivation.
One giant flashing motivator for change is necessity. If the doctor tells you, you have to quit smoking, or you’ll die, you have a huge incentive to quit. Stop drinking or you’ll die – you’re going to stop drinking, unless of course, you want to drink more than you want to live.
The biggest motivator for me came after my life blew up in my face. I lost my mother, my home, my job, my car, my narcissist was having an affair and I had to make the choice to either sink or swim. What pushed me to work so hard then was my anger. I’ve talked about how anger is a catalyst for change in other blogs and it definitely was for me at that point in my life. I was bound and determined that my ex-Narcissist wasn’t going to have a better life than me. I was going to get my revenge by living better, by looking better, by being successful and being happier than I could have ever been with him. I used my emotions to push me. They were so strong at the time and they propelled me farther than I ever thought I could go.
Necessity and revenge are good motivators for change, but there are lots and lots of other reasons and everyone has their own. For some it comes to the point where staying where you are becomes more painful than changing. So the need to escape their reality becomes their catalyst.
Highly acclaimed motivational speaker Anthony Robbins tells us that, “Change is never a matter of ability. Everyone has the ability to change. It’s always a matter of motivation. If you have enough reasons you will change.”
I’m pretty content in my life right now. The anger that had initially spurred me on my journey has long since abated. I’m fully independent, fully in control of my emotions and the people in my life add value to it, but I still want to achieve things. So what’s a girl or guy to do?
Everyday Rituals for Success
I remember watching Justin Bieber on Oprah. I’m not a Bieber fan, but I liked something Oprah said to him. I’m paraphrasing here, but she said something along the lines of, “It’s a lot of hard work isn’t it? I mean people see the performance. They see the success and all the accolades that come along with it, but they don’t see what you have to commit to it every day to make it happen.”
Success really isn’t that difficult if you have the right map. If you know success is marked on the map as X and you have to go through A-R to get to X and you follow every step – you will eventually get to X.
So you have to have a plan. You know you are here and where you want to be is over there and what’s in the space between is action. Then you have to start filling in the distance. Making a plan is necessary, otherwise you are just stumbling around in the dark and hoping that you’ll reach your X. When you plan, research and write it out those become your directions for success.
I have a day planner. I’m not supremely organized by nature, but it’s become something that I can’t live without now. It’s my personal assistant. It tells me my day to day agenda. I tell you, by God, I track everything now. I track my finances, my weight, my investments, my activities, everything goes on that sucker. It helps to keep me focused on what I want and where I want to be in X amount of weeks, months even years.
When you don’t plan and you just have a general idea of where you want to go you might travel near your destination, you might even get in the vicinity, but if it’s not something that you are constantly focusing on and reminding yourself of every day – life is going to get in the way and by life I mean distractions, things that steer us on a different course. The problem with that is it’s not what we want. When you know what you want and how to get it, then we have to make our life as distraction free as possible, so we can spend our energy on moving closer to our goal.
There’s a quote that’s been bouncing around my Facebook feed for the last few days. It says, “The problem is you think you have time.” That one always sends a chill down my spine. Isn’t time the reason that we put things off? Don’t we not do something because we think the time will be better at some later date to get it done? I’ll start my diet tomorrow. I’ll wake up early and exercise on Wednesday I’m too tired today.
We have to keep reminding ourselves everyday of where we want to be. We have to continually and consistently do the little things. And do them especially when you don’t feel like doing them.
Anthony Robbins says the best time to exercise is when you’re too tired, because that action alone communicates your commitment to change. When you wake up early and exercise the chances of you reaching for that chocolate bar, in the afternoon, are vastly diminished, because you’ve already put in an enormous amount of work at the beginning of your day.
Surround yourself with things that keep you focused on your goal and keep it fresh in your mind. I find pictures can get a little stale and we will eventually stop paying attention to them after a while. One of my dreams is to have a nice home on a particular lake. I go to Google maps and I can be right there in the very spot I want to build my dream house, I can move left and right, go down the street, look out at the view and it’s like I’m already there. I look at this thing several times a day, because it takes me there. It makes it real and it matches me to the vibration of actually being there.
I had some pretty large bills of late and through a few months of careful planning I’m happy to say they will be paid in full by next Friday. I mapped out in my day planner all of my income and expenses. I cut here, moved this around, scrimped and saved and voila mission accomplished. If I didn’t make the plan to get rid of the debt I’d still be in debt and I would have bought that expensive foundation by Koh Gen Do that everyone’s been talking about. I might have gone to Cuba with my family, but I was on a mission, I mapped out a plan, I stuck to it and achieved success.
While the little steps are really important, the mental aspect is just as important. You have to commit to giving yourself 15-30 minutes every day to spend in gratitude meditation/visualization. I know it’s so cliché and antiquated at this point, but spending the time thinking about it, being there with it, puts you in the right state of mind and the right vibration. I always drive to work 30 minutes early and I sit in my car in the parking lot and I meditate there feeling happy and thankful for everything. I’ll then start to focus on what I want, where I want to be, what I want to be doing. It sets the tone for my day. It keeps me focused on the prize, because the key to cultivating that burning desire is in the little steps and it’s in your attitude, as well as in what you focus on.
I like to break things down into little goals to make it easier. I will make a commitment for 30 days only and what happens is the closer you get to your goal the more momentum starts to build and the more inner strength you are able to muster to see it through. Being motivated means being disciplined and when you are in charge of your actions, then you are fully in control of your life.
Your Comments!!!!!!!
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Thank you for all of your posts and this one in particular. You’ve inspired me to start meditating again. I’ve been distracting myself nonstop ever since I broke up with my ex and went no contact so it’s super hard but necessary. Thank you. 🙂
Just what I am needing, today, is to see a woman who went thru similar things, who learned to be healthy and overcome dependence on everyone else’s opinions or approvals. I am inspired. thank you.
Your posts are amazing, so easy to relate to and full of great advise. Are there amy forums or chat rooms to communicate, I’m unhappy with the way things have turned out but I’m glad there are people that can related to where I’m at. My N of two years has recently kicked the “devalue” stage into overdrive. Advice would be appreciated
You.Are.Awesome.
I’m enamored with your blog. I have bookmarked, read and reread, so many posts now. I wanted to express gratitude for taking the time to write and share your beautiful thoughts with the world. It’s helping us random people around the globe more than you’ll ever know.
I am proud of myself for now passing the 1 year mark of NC with my narc ‘friend’ (whom I call Biff). He was a part of my life for 7 years and I never thought I’d be able to cut him out. I remember how much I missed our great conversations and his support in the initial phase but then the next 5 years were utter hell–me trying to get that initial phase back.
Like you, Sav, I convinced myself that he didn’t know how to handle women. Isn’t it funny how we come up with these rationalizations?
And in reading Cowboy’s recent encounter with his ex, all the lies, distortions, contradictions–I remember Biff doing all this and then me internalizing it, rehashing it, arguing with him over in my head and what a waste of energy it was.
On the other post, “But He Has So Many Good Qualities” — I got to a point now that I can’t even remember them. Why did I convince myself that I needed him? All I recall are the bad.
And even though we weren’t romantically involved it hurt even more than breakups with boyfriends b/c I convinced myself that Biff was my ‘touch stone’ — the one person I could go to but wow, how wrong I was.
Since reading this blog and cutting him from my life, I’ve noticed that I stand up for myself more. As example, I had someone at work recently speak to me very condescendingly, she always does this to everyone. And while in the past I would have internalized that and gotten frustrated, I found I couldn’t take her seriously and that her words didn’t matter.
I had another issue arise with another male friend of mine, (not a narc) who for a time now has seemed to convince himself that I was “emotionally immature” — this is b/c he saw what a mess I was when Biff’s final lies were exposed. And in the past I sort of accepted this.
Now I’m like, “No, that’s not me at all.” This friend I’ve not spoken to in over a year (only contact was on FB) and so how would he know my progress? I got angry with him and decided I needed to go NC with him for a while b/c his words were beginning to resemble Biff’s. (Biff used to always pick on how immature I was, now needy, etc. and perhaps some of that was true–then. It’s not true now.)
This other friend is not manipulative but he thinks that by treating me this way he is “helping” (he’s also enabling this other very severe co-dependent we both know which I refuse to be a part of). Basically he makes excuses for others who are much worse off than I but with me it’s always my fault even when it’s definitely not. I can admit when I am wrong but there are definite instances where I’ve been in the right and he’s not seen it.
I’d not have been able to stand up for myself like this a year ago. I feel like ever since cutting Biff from my life I’ve only gotten stronger and he can’t hurt me anymore.
I know there are things I still need to work on but now, not having all this toxicity in the back of my mind makes it all much clearer.
I think when some have said “I wish I could be more like my narc” in how they’re able to move on, what we mean is their ability to detach. While this can certainly be misused, knowing how and when to detach when necessary has become an accomplishment for me.
I used to envy Biff and other narcs for their ability to have such control and make it seem like everything is so great for them. But Biff isn’t in control at all. He’s a miserable, lonely, angry, lost human being who lies and threw his artistic talents away in pursuit of shallow endeavors and mediocrity. He knows this and he knows I know this which is very much the source of his anger towards me and himself.
This is the antithesis of how he initially presented himself and a happy, content person doesn’t do that.
Has he changed in the year+ I’ve not spoken to him? I seriously doubt it. This is who he is. He’s not my problem anymore. What is there to envy? Nothing. I pity him.
I think the most important thing is to go deep and heal the emotional wounds from childhood which created our codependency. Otherwise, it’s easy to be motivated by our ego and seek our worth in outside achievements rather than from within. This keeps us on the same playing field and frequency as the narcissist. That’s not to say planning and taking action and achieving- from wherever we are at in our journey- is negative- just the opposite, it’s very helpful and good. But it can feel like it’s enough when we will still have to go deeper in healing now or eventually because this is the only way to grow beyond the inner pain and inevitable experiences we will have in life which will trigger it. I also think as we grow and get in the habit of going deep and working on our emotional pain and healing our feelings of unworthiness that it becomes easier to take action and achieve wonderful things in life.
Hi that article really hit home. So inspiring, thank you.
I’ve been following this blog for almost a year now and always wanted to comment but felt nervous to for some reason. I have been with my narc for almost 8 years now, realised what he was when I finally woke up last year. I have 2 boys aged 9 and 4. My oldest is from a previous relationship (another narc). Long story short, I’ve been through all the motions and am finally at a point where I am strong again and out of the ‘victim’ mindset. I no longer love him and have detached myself emotionally, completely. He has sensed this so he’s on his best behaviour of course but there’s no going back now. I cant leave yet though due to finances but I have found a way to make money from home, while I build up my confidence. I have started an online job and its just been a God send, I ve made friends with some lovely people, made money (which I am saving so I can get out) also, its building my self esteem once again. I do think that this has helped me massively in my strength and decision to get away and take my boys somewhere safe and sound. I would like to connect with some of you here and offer help to anyone whos also in the same situation and needs to make money so they can leave and be financially independent. If anyone is interested in learning more, let me know and I will show you how.
Thanks for this post again, it hit a chord because Im on a self development mission since starting my online job so it all makes perfect sense 🙂
27 years of marriage to a narcissist. l left 4 months ago but all i do is cry everyday. My kids are still with him because i mentally cannot take care of them yet. Please help, when does this madness stop.Finding it so hard to just do the basics everyday.
I’ve just copies this over to the appendix of the Life Plan I’ve been working on. Like a business plan but my list of goals for the next year.
Thanks, Savannah. I’m still struggling, too hard on myself and overwhelmed at times, and have just started treatment for PTSD, but I’m getting there.
No contact since February. And counting.
I completely agree that anger is a great motivator. It is an emotion of energy, it induces action, and it gets results. So to all those people who would preach peace and reconciliation in the immediate aftermath of abuse, I say, no way. That will come later, naturally; but in the short term when awareness is fresh anger is strong and is is there for a vert good reason.
As for continued motivation, I had a great experience recently. After almost a year of no contact I had to spend some time with my xN on a business trip. As soon as we had a few moments together away from the crowd she began to weave the old spell on me. It was a fantastically powerful experience to just watch the act from a distance, as it were. I kept thinking “your magic does not work on me anymore. I am immune to it.” I caught her in some small lies and inconsistencies, detected some efforts to make me jealous and triangulate, sensed her pushing my sympathy and compassion buttons. She ran through the whole narcissistic repertoire. She even wore an outfit exactly like what she was wearing when we first got together. None of it worked on me. I felt pity for her, sadness for what she could have been. But mostly I just felt strong and powerful.
It was a great feeling, and it will motivate me to keep in recovery and keep working to get more and more healthy.
Hurtin’ Cowboy — who often is not Hurtin’ so much anymore
@Cowboy — I was just wondering how your business trip went. So glad to hear that you had this break through. This is huge! It’s clear that you’re over her! I had to laugh when you mentioned she wore the same outfit that she did when you first met.
I don’t think I would have been able to handle this situation with the grace and aplomb that you did. You’ve come so far in this journey in just a year. Congratulations! I also hope you got to do some exploring during your travels.
@Narc –
Thanks for the kudos. The truth is that I have been a little bit down since I returned from this trip. There is something very troubling about these people and seeing the xN again deeply disturbed my soul. It is maybe more relevant to Savannah’s post last week, on how anxious these people are, but the insecurity was so palpable it was painful. In my xN’s brief efforts to triangulate with me I heard the same pattern of failed relationships; when I told her this, and suggested again that she see a therapist, I got the same old response (she hides behind religion, saying she needs only God to heal — a great excuse to not get real help [no offense to others I am very active in my church but I also know God put therapists on this earth for a good reason]). Any effort to help is futile, these people are too well defended, But it left me sad as I experienced once again the pain of coming into contact with a lost soul. These people are deeply tragic and it is hard to accept that we cannot help them. Yet accept I must. I can’t sacrifice my own soul trying to save someone who cannot be saved. Thanks for the support keeping me sane, and help in letting of the pain! Here’s to a good week for all of us!
HC
@Narc –
I forgot to mention, the best part of this trip: visiting a Buddhist temple/monastery in Taiwan, and talking over meditation techniques with a master there, a Buddhist nun so serene your blood pressure would drop 10 points just watching her smile. Amazing experience.
I hear you. Totally.
@Cowboy — I find it serendipitous that you had this amazing experience at the monastery after having this breakthrough from seeing your ex. I’m so glad that this and other good things came out of this trip!
Hang in there, hope you’re feeling better. I know it was not easy to see her and process all these feelings of what you know now and what you encountered.
After getting rid of my ex Narc, everything else in my life just seemed to magically get better. Money, sanity and friends came back into my life. I looked and felt better. Work suddenly improved and opportunities for career advancement just fell into my lap.
I honestly didn’t do anything other than leave him, and so many things seemed to align and good things came my way.
It amazes me still how one relationship, one toxic person, managed to eff up so many aspects of my life, the very foundation of it. And how leaving it shifted the axis of my world, for the better.
On another note, one topic that I can speak to that this post addresses is weight loss, and I completely agree with Robbins’ comment.
I did not have a weight problem before I met my Narc, but oh boy did the pounds pile on while we lived together. (I honestly think he wanted me to gain weight and become unattractive to control me, but that is another story). I wanted to do something about it and I decided to run it off, along with making PERMANENT dietary changes (just dramatically reducing my daily added sugar intake and avoiding high-fructose corn syrup as much as possible).
By using one of those $2 running apps, I’ve managed to go from doing absolutely nothing to running 5K (a little over 3 miles) three to four times a week.
I’ve been at it for a while, but it is still a challenge to stay motivated. It is SO much easier to sleep in and not go to the gym or stay at home after work and watch Netflix instead of going for a run.
That old saying of the first step being the hardest? It’s true. Just GETTING to the gym or trail is actually the hardest part for many of us. It is for me at least.
When the temptation happens to not do anything and skip a run, I instead think about how GOOD and how much better I’m going to feel after I run. That gets me up and going.
And you know what? Every time, after every run, I feel so good and am glad that I got up and did it.
For me, I also had to switch to long-term thinking in order to change and achieve my goal of being a fit, healthy and active person.
While I was with my N, I was mentally in survival mode and thought short-term. I was just thinking how in the hell I was going to survive and get through each day and I was depressed so my future looked really bleak to me. Now that I’m out of the fog and see a future (and a bright one) I am able to plan for and work toward it.
Thank you :0)
Yes, planning and carrying out my plan was what got me away from my narcissist. That was my highest priority for the past 3 years and now I am making plans and focusing on things for the other parts, the rest of my life. I am working on a bucket list, and the monthly and daily plans are choosing the priorities and implementing them. Three years ago my goal was to “repair our marriage.” I could not do that. Two and a half years ago I changed that goal to “get divorced,” and step by step I made it. For those years I also had a goal of detachment, and I’ve noticed over the past few months that I’ve actually finally succeeded in that. Now my goals focus around expanding my social circle, promoting my own physical health, emotional health, spiritual health, and improving my financial situation. Step by step things happen when you have a goal and keep working on them. 🙂
Narc Repellant- great reply. I really resonated with your post. I felt like a black cloud always followed me when I was with my narc. The relationship ended badly but I am thriving. I started working out, started a new job and they asked me to go through executive leadership training.
With him I couldn’t keep a job, I always looked grumpy and tired. He was just a liabilty not an asset. He was a leech that sucked me dry and moved on to the next one.
This was perfectly timed. Been feeling very much fragmented lately and I prayed this morning for better focus & balance in my life. Then, this morning, this blog message. I really like this site and the emails and all the messages are insightful. Thank you so much!!
EXCELLENT!
Today’s blog, as all well as the others resignates with me. But this one particularly spoke to my truth. After my breakup with my N, and discovering that I was a mistress, rather than a girlfriend. (He lied that he was broken up with his long term live in real girlfriend). Had made me feel horrible about myself.
When I finally seen a picture of her, I discovered how beautiful she was. I mean to say; model beautiful. I was left not only feeling morally corrupted, but that I was an easy target for not being as beautiful.
I set out to change that within myself. To not feel victimized and inferior. My motivation, such as yours was originated by anger.
I did well for myself, changing my diet, adding excercise and learning to accept that beauty really derived from within.
What started out as quest for revenge, turned into a personal challenge only to myself. I do after all look beautiful– so I am told, but mostly I focus on the inner beauty.
I am no longer at odds with the demons he left behind, I am at peace.
Thanks for such a wonderful post!