When we get rejected, treated poorly, or someone blows hot and cold in a relationship with us, we often become stuck and fixated on that person. We become convinced that we’re in love and we try over and over again to prove ourselves, to show the objects of our affection, that we are worthy of their love and attention.
We often don’t recognize that the reason someone isn’t interested in us may have absolutely nothing to do with us at all. We tend to internalize the rejection that it must be because we’ve been seen, evaluated and judged, as not good enough and that they are no longer interested.
Usually when this happens, our interest in this person turns into a fevered obsession and we go to great lengths to get them to notice us. We will engage in shape shifting behaviours, where we stop being ourselves and try to turn into whatever we think they might like best. We will jump through hoop after hoop hoping to demonstrate just how special and unique we are, so that they will change their minds about us.
We don’t focus on whether or not this is a good situation for us. If it’s going to make us happy or even that our needs and wants aren’t being met. All we’re focusing on is that they don’t want us and we should be focusing on why we want them, because first and foremost a healthy relationship must have two people that actually want to be in it. And chances are if you actually had them, you probably wouldn’t want them either.
It’s the ‘I want you because you don’t want me syndrome’. I remember seeing a quote floating around Facebook that sums this up nicely, it said, “the best way to make a girl fall in love with you is to ignore her.” Sad but true. Why do we do this? What is it about us that makes us chase after someone who ignores us, treats us poorly or flat out doesn’t want us? Is it because, if we actually get them to change their minds about us then that somehow proves our worth? What, do we then get to say, “See I am awesome. I told you I was right about me.” It sounds ridiculous, but isn’t that what we’re really doing?
When we look to others to show us our worth, they are always going to fall short. Primarily, because it’s no one else’s job to give us our self-esteem – that’s our job. Secondly, people are mostly self-interested, they don’t care about how you feel about you – the fact that you are jumping through hoops and treating them like they are the greatest thing since sliced bread, is a huge ego boost for them and you gaining self-respect, changes the dynamics of the relationship. When you stop jumping it doesn’t serve them and they don’t want that, so they will deliberately or inadvertently behave in a manner that keeps you stuck and fixated on them.
When we have low self-esteem we have become so comfortable with our own negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves that we will actually seek out people and situations that confirm those beliefs. It’s the devil we know and it feels familiar and like home. We have become so used to the idea that love equals pain and that what we are calling love is actually us seeking validation and begging to have someone show us our worth.
If someone healthy did show up in our lives that was interested in us and was offering us the relationship that we claim we want, we would run like hell, because it goes against everything that we believe about ourselves and we would feel incredibly uncomfortable. So instead we inadvertently seek out people that evoke those feelings of unworthiness in us.
The problem is, when someone can’t make up their mind about us, the price we pay, trying to convince them that we’re good enough, is our self-esteem. The mere fact that we are going to all this effort proves to them that we actually aren’t worthy, because if we were, we would know our own worth and we would’ve told them to take a hike long ago.
When you engage with a fence sitter, or continue in a relationship with someone that treats you poorly, you will find that there is always another obstacle, another reason, why they can’t give you the relationship you want. You pay the price and the payoff for you is that you get to continue to confirm to yourself that you aren’t good enough. You will end up feeling used and like you are just someone’s option for a rainy day.
It becomes a never ending cycle and you may go from relationship to relationship and find your-self in the same situation, with the same guy, who just happens to have a different face.
When you realize that you determine your worth, that you deserve more than just crumbs of someone’s attention and when you treat you in a loving, respectful way, other’s will follow your lead. You teach people how to treat you, so start treating you right. When you change the way that you feel about you, you will stop seeking validation and relationships from unwilling sources.
Healthy people don’t sit around wondering why someone doesn’t want them. They are too busy living their lives … next.
Your Comments!!!!!!!!
please have gender neutral languages next time. Im a guy and im thankful for these articles but i feel like it’s always for women because of the pronouns. but if its not possible then I just wanted to say thay even if Im a man, I find this incredibly helpful and comforting. Thank you.
Honestly one of the best articles I’ve ever read. Thank you!
thank you
Yes… this is why I am content to be alone. I have found a healthy sense of my own worth and don’t need validation from others to see it. I may slip into the game, occasionally, of thinking my sense of worth is in the eye of others, but essentially I am much happier in my solitude rather than attempting to gain the love and affection of another, which ultimately, is based on ego in most people… which seeks to validate itself through others.
Validation through others is an illusion we tell ourselves, when we experience each other through the filter of ego, because we do not know how to see through the eyes of spirit. This takes work and effort to heal oneself from those things that caused us to move into any egoic pattern where we seek to be seen by others.
Seeing self and seeing others through the eyes of spirit is tricky without this healing and without the discipline of meditation and mindfulness. But it is possible.
I haven’t arrived into a place of perfection… my ego still exists, but I have definitely found a sense of contentment and self that goes far beyond the egoic, conditioned, socialized self, which is not the true source of self.
I feel incredibly blessed that those things that occurred in my past, which make up “my story” have led me to the understanding I currently experience.. and I look forward to all those things… no matter how diffficult they may be… as much as that causes palpitations of egoic fear… lol… in growing into an evolution of spirit that far surpasses this physical existence.
This is dead on my life! Thank you so much for breaking it down so well.
Oh my goodness your name Daisy is the name of my car. Wow. That’s the best.
41yr old – validation junkie… I was over for about 10 yrs.. then it creeped right back in. I decided to get healthy and lose weight. My husband lacks in the attention Dept. mainly because he was my 2nd major obsession of validation. 20 yrs later he now affirms my awesomeness… although really I could give a hoot! Anyway planning on getting a tattoo of celebration of weight loss journey, my husband suggested looking on IG for ideas. So I decided to post a few pictures and tadow… I began to get likes … Then much to my surprise, a much younger guy wanted to chat… What a HIGH!!! But then here it came again.. Talk about strangulation…. He is busy now… I find myself looking in the mirror saying what the $#!& are you doing.
I’m very glad to find this article… Wish it would have resonated in the depths of my understanding far sooner than today. I can only hope to be able to validate myself! Before I turn 42.
Thank you .. I really needed to hear this .. I’m learning to get back into myself , it’s a process .
How can we help build each other up and work on our self esteem as a group exercises and not just talking about it such as meet up fir walks , meet to go bowling , learn to get back into ourselves . I am an introvert person and I need to come out if this shell and meet different people we can all help one another ..We have to start somewhere since we all have somewhat of similar issues let’s wirk towards the greater good our healing ..
This article is stating the obvious but never saying HOW to discover your self-worth – “When you realize you determine your worth”, “When you change the way you feel about you, you will stop seeking validation…”. Give the readers actionable tasks, don’t just tell them they have issues and cya later.
Thank you! Someone actually explain HOW to do this please.
You seek your own self worth but becoming the best version of yourself. Even if that means at the start faking it till to make it then becoming it
“Faking it: is exactly what got us here. This is the opposite of the article and the opposite of growth. The point of the entire thing is to explore your authentic self and accept it. To no longer fake anything, even to impress yourself. I really hope you’ve come to understand this, if not, you’re just going to keep playing yourself and keep wondering why you never heal.
Excellent. To the point. Helpful.
Wow…. You posted this SIX years ago but this was rlly helpful as I just found out today on my own about this (i read an article about smth else and they mentioned this in afew words and i realized that i was doing it too)… And it helped me understand more.. Thank you 🙁
Could not have said it better myself. I’m going to save this post and share it with everyone. This is exactly what I do and feel. This will help me better communicate to my therapist so that she can help me set healthy boundaries and start living for myself I stead of pleasing others. Thank you for this post!
This just happened to me for the first time. I’ve always been a firm believer of walking away from a situation that doesn’t suit you. But I became depressed when I was hit with some news a few years back, and this girl came along. She was just a friend and then it grew. I denied it at first as she fell for me, then I fell for her and she ran. The recipe was perfect for me. Challenge mixed with passion! So me being ambitious chased. It was like the notebook. But then it turned ugly when she rejected me for another guy. So I immediately stop talking to her. She gets mad and ask why do I care and why am I not talking to her. The girl is crazy! I was weak because I was depressed so I gave another chance and she did it again. I cold turkey it! No communication for a year and works in the same area as me. She looks all sad like I broke her heart?!?! So I let it go and talk to her last week. she’s happy that I am talking to her?!? Like why does it matter so much that I talk to her, when she clearly disses me. I’m not depressed no more so I don’t bother with her trickery. I THINK article pointed out some great advice. Leave these types of people alone when it comes to love. Just be friends and leave it at that.
Wow.. just wow. Wish I had found this 2 years ago. It’s the clarity I needed. Thanks for this.
Fantastic article and so poignant for my current situation. Thank you Savannah for all your posts- in some cases they are life-savers.
@Mike , sometimes it’s even harder being their friend .im experiencing that now , it messes with your emotions and may give you false hope ..So I’m working on shutting down the communication with this person period!! The only thing is I developed a relationship with his grand daughter and I may have to shut that down she’s 5 years old I’ve been in her life since she was a baby ..
Wow indeed. Sane here, its exactly what I do with my relationships or attempting to have a relationship with a guy who doesn’t want me! This is amazing.. im having hypnotherapy at the moment and will focus on this now.
I’m so glad this article was written. I can see so clearly what I’ve been doing all these years ! Thank you.
I will now find articles on building yiur own self worth and to stop looking for validation from a guy or a relationship! Hopefully I will then find a normal, healthy one .
Great post, but still a bit confused..I have always loved commitment, and whenever I commit I make sure I make things work and if they don’t it must have been something out of my control….but now, things have changed, I love the idea of different ladies falling on for me and currently can’t decide between two of which I have been liking for 4 years and only said she will give it a go now. This feels wrong but also feels like it’s the best way to know who I can spend my life with without regrets…it also feels kinda like it’s a normal thing..as I have always loved being with myself since high school and only started datibg in university. I feel I am okay with myself but every time I see someone beautiful or someone who is interested in me..I will go for them….and this has gone well many time but when it does I begin to get bored and lose interests quite easily and start the process all over again….
Hi,
Please talk to me!! Its not a bf. Its a guy who comes and goes at his convenience.
See I know that. But I don’t get why I can’t get him out of my life?
IS it cause I’ve known him since my early adolescence?
Is it cause I’ve never found him harmful?
Also,
He is rich and well-bred. I am not rich. His family is big and rich and healthy- as in he’s got grandparents and great grandparents who are alive and doing well.
Lately I’ve got into this habit of being submissive to his requests.
He emotionally drains me. I know it. But I always give him the benefit of doubt. THat leaves me sick for days – i go into thought cycles where I question my self-worth, my existence, my poverty, my intelligence, basically everything I do seems inferior, unworthy and doesn’t fit in anything that is right – as per his standards. I compare myself to him.
While I am writing this I know I don’t make sense. Why would anyone entertain such a bully? But I have the following in my defense,
– His father has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness, so he cries to me and i feel as a human i must hear him out.
– I used to, long back have telephonic conversations with him – emotional stuff about problems at home, work, etc.
Just these points.
So the next time he calls for emotional support which would basically be a booty call, how do I protect myself from psychological abuse and still be a good human to him?
hey steff, I don’t have any advice to give you because as you are, I am too confused about my situation. mine is pretty much the same as you. we broke up 3 months ago and he recently just came back into my life. we have been talking and hooking up for a month now. we both still love each other, but he is afraid to repeat the past., as I am too. but I at least am ready to give it another go, he isn’t.
its hard, cus when he isn’t around and busy and not paying me “attention”, I get down and depressed, but then at night, he talks to me and we have good convos, and I get my high again. and then he may be like this for a day or two, and then nothing for a day or two. he is like a drug for me and I want to quit him.
, he comes to me for support too and when he is lonely. I want to be able to NOT want him or need him. I want my self esteem back like I had before we met. I was happy before him, why cant I be happy now.
if you want a relationship and he is not giving that to you then cut all contact. It’s a myth that a man and a woman can be friends. When one has stronger feeling for the other then this is not a friendship. You are the underdog. He has the power. Friends with benefits eventually destroys a women’s self of esteem. In the same way a ‘friend zone’ friendship is bad for a man. We learn the hard way.
These are great, spot-on points. I have struggled with this most of might life. I am very aware of it. I have been working on trying to like myself with only small, short-term successes. What are some actual tactics/methods to make permanent change regarding self-esteem?
Incredible post! Top notch! It really gets me to a personal level.
The biggest realization I’m having from this awful experience – of falling in love with a false persona and then having my self-esteem mauled by the wearer of that mask – is that I really don’t love myself … Even deeper than that, deep down inside I don’t feel worthy, feel completely flawed, bad….this is shocking to me, and I’m grieving all the things that I’ve lived that conditioned me to be this way. Yes, I was seeking validation, of my worth, through his love. When I felt loved by him, I was radiant… everyone commented. I was walking on a cloud, the exhilaration of feeling loved and in love, like it gave me permission to shine, this “love” from another person. Thing is, I didn’t even realize the extent to which I didn’t love myself, until I saw myself let this guy be a total douche to me- and I still wanted to be with him, until I opened up to friends who freaked out and urged me to make the break, and then I found this blog, and I jumped ship and went no contact. And I’m still reeling. All the ways he was an asshole… Were the complete opposite of who/how he was during the initial phase. I just couldn’t understand, was in disbelief, and wrapped myself into a pretzel with each jab and critique he lobbed at me. I compromised myself in so many ways, just so he would keep “loving” me. I’m someone who works on my inner self a lot. I am no doormat… I thought anyways that I had a good sense of self-worth. I am well-read. I meditate, exercise, and know a heck of a lot about psychology. But I got duped. And this experience shows me, that though I know about the importance of self-love, it is not the same as LIVING it, and feeling it. Despite previous work , I see I never actually gave myself permission to really love myself. In fact, there are deep feelings of unworthiness- that’s why his devaluation of me, the horrible things he said and the way he treated me, had a place to land. I should have punched him in the face, instead of scratching my head wondering why he had changed. Oh, yeah, and I’m codependent. Didn’t realize that either. Learning so much from this blog, thank you so much. This blog truly is a service. After this trauma I am walking away realizing that self-love and respect is no luxury or self-indulgence (somehow I think I learned that) it is a protective factor and also our birthright. I’m putting self-love FIRST, before anything. And I don’t care if I have to be a bitch about it. I will absolutely drop kick anyone who ever tries to me feel bad about myself. At least, that is what I’m working towards.
Preach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I somehow agree to an extent with this article and there are points that I feel are off base , not everyone shape shifts their personality to obtain validation , at times one can genuinely be themselves and seek validation in a relationship. What ought to be stressed to readers is that validation is a ‘basic human need’ , otherwise facebook would be out of business way back with the likes and comments and attention , now saying that validation is a basic human need , it becomes a problem when one can’t self validate , I don’t know who I am or if I’m good and I need you to constantly tell me or reassure me , its perfectly ok if I know who I am and I get compliments here and there like icing on a cake , I know I am pretty or kind or helpful and getting validation for it is soothing , I dont need need need it but if I get it I feel good , to say one doesn’t need validation defies human nature!
Sacha I agree with your comment to an extent but I feel much of it is off base. I disagree that we NEED external validation – sure it’s nice if someone acknowledges your effort, or says something nice about you. It’s nice but I don’t need it. I know internally who I am so I don’t need others to tell me who I am. It’s nice but not a basic human need. Disagree totally.
Savannah I agree need is a strong word.
But validation is key esp in relationships of all types. Wether you know who you are or not isn’t the point. Validation is just another form of showing and Spreading love to another.
I think that’s the bigger point Sacha is trying to make.
“Who I am” ?
I always thought validation was more of someone’s opinion validating your points, or points or views, or even some form ofencouragement.
I’d say if your in a relationship everyone wants to feel loved, needed, encouraged, complimented, desired, and I’d say that would be pretty important to give to your partner.
I agree with Al and Savannah to an extent . I think both are speaking about separate things
Say someone who is very insecure or has narcissistic tendencies – they are completely dependent on a constant stream of approval and validation. They need more and more and more externally what they cannot provide for themselves – it becomes like an addiction. Say someone constantly posting shirtless selfies 4-5 times a day on social media. Or someone who’d endanger their life or do something really stupid just for the ‘likes’ and ‘clicks’ and it goes on and on, that hunger and dependence on external validation. Relying on others completely to provide what they can’t provide for themselves.
But what Al and Sacha have been trying to convey is that we all prefer to be liked, its nice to receive a compliment once in a while, say for example – I know I’m a nice person, it’s nice to hear that once in a while, or any other personal attribute. We know those things about ourselves (self validation) and its nice to receive strokes as basic human needs. We all have dependency needs. When taken to excess and cause distress or dissatifaction to the person is when things need to change. It’s about a line between pathology for the person and functional way of being.
I think Sacha referred to validation and approval as basic needs is true. She didnt mean it as I need your approval, you gotta gotta validate me. But humans have a universal need to be liked by others and to be held in good regards as basic human need
To the women: I completely empathize with your validation issues…I have the exact same problem. I am fortunate that my most recent ex is a VERY loving person and even though she was not ready to be in a relationship we are still very close and she is helping me to find and dissect my own issues. My question about validation has been the big one…how do I set my own value when it seems nobody else values me? Almost EVERYTHING that has value has it because it’s valuable to everyone. Meaning that our perception of a thing’s value validates it’s existance… But somehow we are expected to set our own value regardless of what our perceived value is to the world. The ironic and sad thing is that the people who don’t need the validation are often the ones who are given the most of it…while those who desperately seek it…languish in emotional starvation.
The thing is…and I just realized this tonight… No amount of external validation will fill the hole we need filled. As the song goes “one is one too many, one more is never enough” (Kenny chesney~ you and tequila)
Hi, I’m a little confused. I ‘m currently in a relationship & have been the last 3 years. I get absolute validation every day to the point he tells me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world & I am everything he ever wants and more and loves me completely and utterly and I know he would never look anywhere else. My issue is, although being told how wonderful I am all the time, I don’t believe I love him the same as he does me & because of this I break it off but he is very persistent and he talks me into giving things another go which I do & it has become a pattern. I guess I keep going back because I won’t get the validation I’m getting now with anybody else?? But I also know I probably should break it off?? What are (or anybody else’s) thoughts
Thankyou for this article. I’ve looked for validation all my life and have always ended up finishing last. A painful episode in my life a couple of years ago led me to self discovery.
WOW! Just got finished writing a long note to him, then shortened it up in an email. I searched “Validation in a relationship” to make sure I was choosing the right word to get my point across and I landed here–Thank God! I havent sent the email (I have wasted about an hour and a half however) and now Im definitely not going to to send it! Im trash the handwritten note too! Im 41 yrs old–wth right?! And yes all my relationships (& my marriage) have been unhealthy so it must be true that we continue to attract the same type of person. WhyTF would I even care to express my point of view to someone who now seems disinterested–like Im explaining why I am acting a certain way (because his actions, or lack of, have made me insecure)! If he gaf then I wouldnt be feeling like this because his actions would tell me he cares and therefore I wouldnt have these insecurities! Im so consumed on WHY he changed, and wanting him to understand why I get upset with him! This relationship really has no future I knew that from the start (but I caught feelings), but when he started making me feel less important or a bother, it drove me nuts (drives me nuts). Being ignored sucks!! Why am I wasting my time!! He says hes the best guy I’ve been with because he knows the hell Ive gone thru but really he is no better because he is messing with my head too and Ive falling right into the trap! I know all this, been there done that, learned from it, but BAM, it happens again. It’s crazy how easily you can fall back into the same pattern and lose yourself! OMGoodness Im so glad I saw this before I hit send! Thank you Savannah Grey (and ty God for directing me to this page). No wonder he doesnt show me respect or make me feel wanted anymore. Im sure it’s a turn-off when a female loses confidence (although by way of his actions). Continuing to chase and justify clearly isnt the answer to getting the attention you once got from him. But every time I build myself back up, he calls/texts and reels me back in! Ive just gotta say Im done since he cant be consistent in how he makes me feel (I shouldnt allow anyone to have the power to tear me down to the point I need him to make feel loved…he either does or he doesnt). I keep rambling. sorry. Ahh… I do feel much better now tho 😉
This is exactly what I have gone through, snd it is true…you keep attracting the same type men with different faces. It just makes me SICK to think of all the time I have wasted letting this idiot rape and pillage my self esteem. Ray, I agree with you that my self esteem issues go way back to my Dad and his non-presence in alot of my life. Looking back, I’m starting to think he may have been a Narcissist too, to a certain degree. I can see I have alot of work to do to get my old self back.
What causes one to want validation so much?
Excuse me, what type of specialization would a psychologist have to help deal with self validation issues such as discussed in this article? Thank you very much.
Thank you for this. I just got out of a relationship in which I was so frustrated and emotionally alone and abandoned all the time. I became needy and pathetic and called him lots of names. Now he says I’m verbally abusive and a bad person and left me. I needed this. I allowed myself to become this way.
Your writings are a godsend to me right now. I am in the horribly stuck phase post-breakup with the poster child NPD/BPD. It has been five months and I can’t stop obsessing! What is ironic is he bragged about how the best way to make girls like him is to ignore him!! It is exactly like you said!!
Thank you for showing me I am not alone. I read this article every night before bed. Thank you! Thank you!! There is hope for me yet!!!
Thank you so much for posting this. Everything you write is so right on! Please keep the wisdom coming! 🙂
You have no idea how much I needed to read this. I printed it out and am planning on rereading it every day. Thank you, seriously.
What recommendations do you have for someone to pull themselves out of this habit, this need for validation? As you so perfectly said, it is the same thing every time…same guy, different face, same situation.
My first love contacts me via text ot FB message every 2-3 months. He is a rock star. A real rock star that plays music. He’s still model handsome too.
We were first loves, first everthing….but after six years, our lives took different paths. He dated beautiful women, REALLY beautiful. Happily married for 22 years. Divorced. Now has another beautiful girlfriend.
He never talk inappropriate or says he loves me, wants me, misses me….., nothing. Just a hello and a what’s new?
It’s been 33 years!!! He broke up with ME!
Why does he contact me at all?
I don’t think he is fishing.
Is this what validating is/means??
Is there a reason he contacts me?.
Who knows SringOwl he’s probably just looking for an ego stroke. You know there’s nothing but hurt down that path. As tempting as it might be don’t go there.
I love this!everything you said made so much sense!
you are SO right and so on point. I just wish I knew how to get my self esteem back. Until I do, I don’t even trust myself to pick another person to start dating. I needed to read this, 1,000 Thank you’s for posting
wow point on Savannah! the more more he pulled away the harder i chased but when i felt like i had him i wasnt even that interested-he was a lamo and i knew i deserved better. But something about another woman who happens to be successful and educated (doctor)being with him and them getting married really did get to me and made me wonder why her and not me and again brought out my feelings of insecurities. But your right those are my own to deal with but now i realize that im attracting men who validate my own feelings of lack of self worth/esteem. Can you please do a post about why we women keep attracting narcissists and how having daddy issues( a father who wasnt loving/supportive/ physically present etc ) might play into that. Thanks for your great posts!
Brilliantly penned and brilliant analogies. I suffered from a brutally low self-esteem until I was about 30. One day I stopped worrying about what people thought and stopped trying to go through walls to make my partner happy. Every relationship I have been in since has been completely different. I’ve not been with my current partner for 3 and a half years, shattering all records. We have a great relationship.