Imagine growing up in an environment where rather than being loved and nurtured, you’re treated like an adversary and an unwanted burden.
Our parents are our first teachers and the messages we receive from them, shape our views and our beliefs about ourselves. If it is demonstrated to us, repeatedly, that we don’t matter, that we are unwanted, we will become adults that believe that we are worthless and damaged, we will have massive trust issues and difficulties in our adult relationships.
To be a Narcissistic parent is to be an abusive parent. Because to a Narcissist you are either a form of Narcissistic Supply, or you are nothing. The typical parent/child bond never forms, as Narcissists do not form normal, healthy attachment bonds to anyone. They will often learn how others behave around children and what is expected of them and they will become adept at mimicking these behaviors, but behind closed doors, it’s the children that bear the brunt of a Narcissist’s rages, as there is no authentic caring and nurturing going on.
Because they are so self-absorbed, everything that surrounds them must beat to their rhythm – it’s all about them, so they are not really inclined to take an active role in the child’s development. According to Sam Vaknin, in Malignant Self-Love, a Narcissist parent goes through 3 stages when their child is born:
Stage One: Children as a threat – a Narcissist will view a new baby as an object that takes away the much needed supply from their spouse, family members and friends. They will resent having to share center stage with their offspring and will either treat the child with disdain and withdraw from everyone, or they will ‘take over’ the child and obtain the much coveted supply through proxy.
Stage Two: Children as sources of Supply – as a child grows up they begin to look up to, watch, admire and idolize their parents and thus become excellent sources of Narcissistic Supply. At a very young age children are not autonomous and so implicitly trust and obey their parents. If the child has some type of skill, that others notice, the Narcissist parent can glean supply as they view the child as an extension of themselves and can thus take credit, or esteem from their child’s accomplishments.
Stage Three: Children as a threat – as a child grows up and becomes more independent, it has more exposure to the outside world and thus, is now able to form its own thoughts and opinions. The child has a better ability to see the Narcissist and their behavior for what it is and can make comparisons with other families. The child begins to resent the treatment they received when they were too young to do anything about it, they question everything and start to pull away, no longer allowing the Narcissist to use or manipulate them. 1
At this point the Narcissist will devalue them, criticize, blame and belittle them at every turn. For once the child is no longer a source of Narcissistic Supply the Narcissist will have no use for them.
While the severity and type may differ slightly, children of emotionally abusive parents will typically experience the following behaviors:
- Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating.
- Calling names and making negative comparisons to others.
- Telling a child he or she is “no good,” “worthless,” ”bad,” or a “mistake.”
- Frequent yelling, threatening, or bullying.
- Ignoring or rejecting a child as punishment, giving him or her the silent treatment.
- Limited physical contact with the child – no hugs, kisses, or other signs of affection.
- Exposing the child to violence, or the abuse of others, whether it be the abuse of a parent, a sibling or even a pet.2
All of these actions are consistent with Narcissistic behavior. This onslaught is bad enough when visited upon an adult, but when you’re dealing with a child, whose emotional development isn’t mature enough to make sense of what’s happening, you end up with adults that are severely, emotionally scarred.
Narcissists are very cunning and will engage in very subtle and sometimes not so subtle behaviors such as: Denying any abuse ever took place- blaming you instead for being so difficult, they will consistently violate your boundaries, they will play favorites with your siblings, they will undermine, demean, criticize you and all of your endeavors, they will try to make you look like the crazy one, they are exceedingly envious, they always have to be the center of attention, they enjoy and feed off of your pain – and they know just what buttons to push to obtain it, they rage and terrorize, they behave in an infantile and petty manner, they are never wrong, and they never show a shred of empathy. 3
Children of Narcissists will grow up to have great difficulties in their adult relationships, because they never learned how to trust, or bond properly with others. They will foster a deep seeded belief that they are broken, damaged and worthless and this will impair their ability to function, not just in relationships, but with education, employment and other social arenas as well.
When children are taught that it’s better for them to suppress their emotions, keep silent and not to rock the boat, this manifests in adulthood as individuals who have difficulty expressing their emotions in a healthy way. They learned to bottle up their anger and resentment and when they become adults, this could lead to severe anger issues and suppressed rage that can be uncontrollable and erupt at any time. They become paranoid and believe that the world is a cruel, hostile place, where no one can be trusted and that they have to look out for number one. Many children of Narcissist become substance abusers to cope with the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and anger.
Highly sensitive children, experiencing Narcissistic abuse, will grow up with massive insecurities and a severe lack of self-esteem. They become adults that are clingy, anxious, dependent and fearful. They have no idea how to protect, or care for themselves, as they never learned boundaries and what is acceptable behavior and what is not, so very often they will be victimized again and again throughout their lives. Females will often become promiscuous early on, looking for and clinging to, any type of affection from men, which opens them up for all types of abuse.
Typically when you see a Narcissist, you will find a Narcissistic parent, but not all children of Narcissists will develop the impairment.We know that victims of abuse tend to repeat the abuse, either as abusers themselves, or as victims, looking to recreate what was visited upon them as children.
This is why it is so important to remove the child away from the abusive parent as early as possible. Unfortunately, the courts are not adequately equipped to deal with personality disorders and would likely see a claim of NPD as mudslinging, in an emotionally charged custody hearing. And since Narcissists are true chameleons, they can alter their look and behavior to whatever works best for them. A Narcissist won’t have any real interest in gaining custody, for them it’s all about winning and proving to you, once and for all, that they are superior and can do whatever they please, without consequence.
The best thing a non-NPD parent can do is communicate with their children. Let them know that they haven’t done anything wrong and seek a qualified professional that has experience dealing with victims of child abuse. Support them, encourage them and show them proper love and affection, but most importantly, take the necessary steps to remove the abuse from your life and theirs.
References
- http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissisticparents.html
- http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm
- http://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/surviving-the-narcissistic-parent-acons-adult-children-of-narcissists/
Your comments!!!!!!
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My dad’s a narcissist. He scarred me for life. I’m actually turning 36 in 2 days and I’m still living with my parents. I don’t have a career or any friends. Never had any romance whatsoever. I’ve had chronic health problems my whole life and they are now at a critical state where I have been forced to quit smoking and drinking or I could tell I would die soon. But it’s not all bad: my dad taught me the true nature of the world. And he gave me such a horrible life that I could never be afraid of my death. Most people are afraid to lose their lives.. Not me. Most importantly, I learned a number of very deep spiritual lessons and truths. The purpose of my life is not to reproduce, or to my great dismay and misery, not even to even have the touch of a lover. The purpose of my life is to learn how- at any cost- to love myself.
I have a new daughter with a narcissist and I’m terrified for her and my 2 other sons. I don’t know how to leave but need to leave before anymore emotional abuse is done to any of us.
Honey, just get up and walk out, with nothing if that is what it takes – before it gets worse. My little girl lost the use of her leg through CRPS caused by PTSD of the emotional and psychological abuse my narc husband brought into our environment.
It took me another 8 months when CRPS took hold to actually pack up and move away – with very little and no money and begged accommodation at my brothers place. Ive spent another 10 months since healing our baby from her own narc responses and belittling self condemning impaired core belief system.
Honestly, it easier to breathe when you are away from them than what it is when you are with them. And you become a far better parent because you are able to be focused on the real children in the family than on the one that is only pretending to be.
What I found was that I was told – no contact – but that’s so hard to do, especially if you have been the co-dependent supply provider for a long time – and its even more hard because no one tells you WHY you need to do this. Knowledge is Power – get the knowledge as to why you NEED to have no contact – why your children don’t need contact. The courts state that the first priority is “in the best interests of the children” Understand this and use it to protect your children. The children have their rights, and you have your personal rights and then you have your obligations under law as the custodial parent to protect your children from abuse and harm – ANY HARM FROM ANYONE no matter who they are .
I send you love, prayers, strength, and the knowledge that your children are worth every tear you have shed, will shed, every ounce of your strength that it will take to walk this journey to break your family free of this abuse. I found another web site only last night that gave the knowledge I needed in order to forgive myself for not leaving sooner, for not saving my babies before it got the point where my baby went through such excruciating pain, lost 12 months of her life, lost who she thought was a loving daddy, where my eldest daughter is left in financial debt the size of a mortgage.
Your healing is so very important and imperative to your children’ healing. The hardest step is the first step. Focus on your children – your doing that first step for them.
They are your gifts. Treasure them, cherish and love and protect them and most importantly – Treasure and love yourself because you deserve it. XX
I highly suggest you leave. My mom didn’t do this and it ruined my life. Like.. Ruined. Impossible to repair.
My ex boyfriend is a narcissist and his abuse was geared toward me. I tried to protect his son and our dogs as much as I could. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and I left. No one believes me. And because they don’t believe they won’t help his son. I hope that somehow his sister reads this because I am afraid physical violence may start happening. I was so angry when I left and only focused on myself that I didn’t consider what would happen after I left. I know if I call CPS there will be retaliation against me. But I’m worried that his son is suffering.
This article just changed my life. It explains so much I’ve struggled with and still do via my mother. Having what I’ve always thought validated is a major step in a healing direction. Thank you
It’s NOT too late! I’m just now learning that I’m a narcissistic hot mess! It has held me back my entire life! I’ve always known something was very wrong with me, and now I know what it is. I feel like I’ve been fighting this my life. I still have the right to choose for myself how I will act at any given moment. But understanding WHY I think and feel that way gives me hope that I can be the pillar of integrity I’ve always wanted to be. I just needed to know WHY. Now, it’s all on me to educate myself and correct the unwanted behavior. Keep the faith! I’m learning that my mother is narcissistic as well. It’s a lot for a person to deal with. I was abused and eventually became the abuser. It’s all about AWARENESS, EDUCATION, AND CHANGE
I am thankful to all of you for telling your stories. After reading this article I realized that my mother is a narcissist. I always thought she was mentally ill. Her and my father were narcissists. My grandfather (my mother’s father) was a child molester. He molested me and my brother and sister and two cousins. He had molested my mother and repeatedly raped her brother. I was molested from the time I was a baby. When I was five I told my mother. The next day she forced me to go before my grandfather and left me alone in the room with him. He called me names and was disgusted with me. After that I would always tell her when he would molest me and she would tell me “Well just stay away from him!!!” She would take us to his house daily. She never loved us. We were a burden to her. She would never have food in the house. She rarely bought us clothes. But in public, especially in church, she was the nicest person ever to everyone. And…yes…I married a man JUST LIKE HER! 30 years of hell. I will get over this. I am healing of my addiction to narcs, of believing I can’t make it on my own. The point of all this is – We made it! We have been chewed up and spit out. We are beaten up but we are WARRIORS! WE ARE STRONG! Even if we don’t feel like it, we are! Let go of all the lies you have been told about yourself. We all deserve to be happy! God bless all of you! I hope you the best with your healing!
I am the youngest of 4 and i was raised by a narcissist, physically abusive father. He abused everyone in my house but was “stopped” by me when he hit me and I called the cops. He is still abusive but thinks twice before physically assaulting anyone. Unfortunately, I got into a relationship with a narcissist that physically abused me too and assaulted me even in front of his mother and family more than once. I fell pregnant by him and he left me for another woman whom he engaged, impregnated and assaulted like me. He then came back and we continued where we left off and he has since slapped me once and never will again. I have blocked him on social media and I never wanna go back. I pray that I don’t relapse but God is with me as he is with all of you. Take care
I always knew my father was a narcissist, but I have to come to realize my mother is a narcissist as well.
I never saw it until my father died and she’s all we had left. I have 7 siblings and I am the youngest. The realization came through time. Bits and pieces of behavior that didn’t quite make sense. Feeling like she didn’t even like me sometimes. Wondering why she’d give me completely conflicting advice – leaving me confused. Wondering why she seemed to have no problems with my siblings and other people hurting me and treating me so badly. I finally peiced the puzzle together only to realize I have no one.
I’m confused as how I grew up believing the best about my family, placing my parents on pedestals only to realize the scraps of affection I did receive weren’t normal or adequate.
I was so dedicated and loyal to these people and I was always met with rejection, jealousy, disrespect, ridicule….
I’m horrified of romantic relationships. I’ve managed to meet some truly terrible men, usually hiding behind the guise of spirituality.
I love kids. but I’ve never had any – because I always knew deep down that I was broken. Why would I want to pass that on?
I pray at night to get away from them. I pray at night for my mother to die, so I can be free. I avoid my siblings at all cost. Interaction usually results in a loss for me in one way or another.
I’ve never been able to make friends. I just don’t know how. No matter how friendly I am, it just doesn’t happen. How can they tell I’m broken? I’m nice to them. I try to be thoughtful. It just doesn’t happen.
But why would I want it to happen anyway? I don’t trust anyone anyway. Every relationship I’ve ever had has fallen apart.
For a long time now, I just go to work and go to sleep. My health isn’t so great. I’m actually relieved at the idea I may suffer from some horrible illness that may end my life, so I don’t complain. I hope to go to sleep and never wake up one day – just so I can be free.
I can’t believe I didn’t see it all before. I wish I realized then- what I realize now.
This is exactly what I experienced as a child and since I wasn’t beaten by my mother ( only occasionally with buckle end of belt) I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I took care of my Dad on home hospice while he died and now I’m left with the narcissistic parent who makes me feel lower than whale crap. Always judgmental and making sly, nasty remarks. Then she says I would never say something like that making me feel I’m crazy. No one believes me because when they meet her she is as sweet as can be. Which makes me feel crazier. Only my grown daughter knows the truth. I know what she says isn’t true intellectually, but some visceral part of me feels like that kid who didn’t count and that’s where my mind goes.ive been to counsellors, psychiatrists, on anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds. The stress has triggered my epilepsy to grand mal seizures that I have to take meds for now. My memory sucks and I don’t care about any of the things I used to do. If I’m talking to my daughter or her, she interrupts with something totally inane. It’s like she wasn’t even listening. If I get ready to go to work she complains that I wake her up intentionally. ( told her if I was going to wake her up intentionally she’d know it- I’d sing J-Lo’s song “Booty” at the top of my lungs and shake her to make sure she was awake). Good God I have to get ready in semi-darkness to go to work. She’s made me feel there is something wrong with me and I don’t know how to build up that wall. With anyone else I could do it but not her. Maybe I’m still looking for a Mommy even though I’m way too old for that. There’s more but I’ll quit now. Sorry for the rant Nice now it won’t accept my post. Says its duplicate but I don’t see it. Typica. Changing name.
MK,
They say it’s true that Narcissists can’t change. Your sons are probably having trouble accepting that their father will never be a part of their lives and are struggling to grieve the father that they could have had. Don’t blame yourself. 🙂 The best thing you can do is love and care for them and the rest is their own journey. Removing their father from their lives is the best thing you can do.
I experienced every single behaviour you listed above, from my grandmother. Growing up in that house was such a nightmare. But as a teen I realised my always feeling like I didn’t fit in was a good thing, that there was nothing wrong with me but with her and the rest of them. In the ultimate act of self preservation I moved to the other side of the world for seven years. It was only in living alone for so long that just how dysfinctional that family was became clear. What was also good about my years abroad was it showed me a key truth….I can take of myself and my needs and don’t need her/them. Once that sunk in, life became beautiful. Now that I’m back I control how much exposure and communication I have with them. It is true what they say when dealing with a narcissist the best thing to do is cut ties.
very good this article,explains exactly how I’ve been felling, answer and helps a lot with some questions that i’m dealing, even with courts. Thanks
Oh, if I can add a great quote I saw as I too am struggling to imagine forgiveness as possible (they don’t deserve it) even though I know that it is an important step to recovery (it’s way too soon for me though, still getting over their last horrid actions, coming to terms with a lifetime of abuse, accepting it was abusuve, learning about narcissism etc… I’m still in angry, denial, struggle to not think about it for even an hour)… Anyway, the quote:
“Forgiving you means I no longer dwell on what an assehole you are.
It does not mean you are no longer an assehole”.
I thought it was good.
My family have done their best to convince me that I’m a terrible person, crazy, poor of character etc my whole life. I’ve been re-victimised as I have not had any self boundaries or self worth so have put myself in terrible situations, let terrible things happen to me and sought out other abusive types. Your description above of the effects are spot on. I have two older siblings, one of which has to be one of the most evil, manipulative and conniving narcissists I know. I only spent time with them to see my nieces/nephew (who I felt so sorry for) and then when I had a baby I’ve had to cut them out. Having a baby brought up so many issues for me, fears, anxieties about my family and what they did to me. True to form, they spread lies and even called child services on me (and my god they’re believable). Needless to say I have moved away with my child and now trying to recover. I’m consumed with anger every day and am having trouble lifting myself out of the depression (their last actions feel like they finally tipped me over the point and I’ve been reliving all the negativity and horrible things of my life – I hope it passes). Anyway, thanks for the forum to vent (hopefully in a positive way) and for expressing in words what it is like to grow up with narcissists.
Serendipity, your life story is so much like mine. I, too, am left wondering what is the sense of life. I, too, have elderly, narcissistic parents in need of care. Helping to care for them is very tough since boundaries are hard to maintain while caring for the sick. Instead, one is forced to do what it takes, for the sick person. Can’t leave a sick person half cared for! I have been working on healing for years. I really want it. I now know who I am. But i do not succeed, much of the time, in getting what I need. Attributing to stress and not peace, in my life. More work is needed with codependent issues, it seems. I wish you the best. All of you!
Janet
I wonder how i will ever WANT to forgive my narcissistic parents. You have discussed forgiveness as one of the steps in overcoming codependency. My parenrs are just as you describe in this post. My mother was the worst. I knew, as a young child that she could not stand me. I adored her. She was nice to everyone else. But she was always scowling at me, even when i was playing happily with my little friends. And i was constantly wondering, “What have I done now?” As a young teen, she criticised every aspect of my appearance. Told me i was fat when i wasnt a bit fat. I forgave her over and over. Now she is elderly and i finally have no contact with her. I am a nurse yet have no desire to help her nor my father who babies her and allows her to play. victim. I cannot be around them….I literally feel unable to deal with their abuse. And forgiving them seems impossible.
Jf
“They will foster a deep seeded belief that they are broken, damaged and worthless and this will impair their ability to function, not just in relationships, but with education, employment and other social arenas as well.”
Wow… That couldn’t have hit closer to home. My ex, a Narc as I have recently discovered, told me just that the last time I saw him face to face in mid-January – “Maybe I am broken and damaged, not marriage material”. I couldn’t understand where this was coming from – he was gorgeous, with steady employment, educated. But now it all makes sense. He used to describe a perfect childhood with two adoring parents who cheered him on with his sporting activities, but never made any mention to his older brother who had left home and moved to the west coast more than 15 years ago and had never looked back. All he would say about his brother was that he was the unlucky one because he had inherited their father’s genes, thus being short and weak, unlike himself, the 6’4 gorgeous, blonde, buff giant. I was also very puzzled about the relationship he had with his mother – on the one hand she was supposed to be all supportive and nurturing (even gave him massages well into his teens) and on the other, she was supposed to be this incredibly obnoxious and oppressive person who demanded all attention from her family because she was suffering from a chronic autoimmune disease and would blame everybody for her condition. I also soon discovered that the perfect façade was not that perfect after all – he was bottom of his high school class, his guidance counselor said he was never going to manage to go to college or continue with his sporting activities. And well, he got his much desired degree after 15 years as an NCO in the AF and continued playing sports like crazy, switching from one activity to the other without ever really mastering any of them “to prove that bitch wrong” – it wasn’t his goal, he was just trying to make a point. He got rejected from becoming an officer in the AF, got poor evaluations for his job and all he would say about his mother was that he couldn’t even stand talking to her on the phone, while he bought her a brand new car and was planning to have her move in with him to take care of her, all the while saying that she was suffocating him. That was the most twisted mother-son relationship I’ve ever seen in my entire life and although I am not sure whether her behavior was narcissistic, she did manage to raise a narc of a son who almost destroyed my life.
This really takes me back to the heart of the matter!! I could blather on to the point of seeming disingenuous in my gratitude for your altruistic efforts here!. I have relapsed several times, albeit not nearly as deeply as a result of the education I have received from reading your articles, but the pain is real. I was just doing a rousing session of negative self talk when I happened upon this article and the shame lifted at once. I understand this is not a contest or pass/fail, but I am starting to understand that my life hangs in the balance. The reflection you create with you words has allowed me to discover some deeply buried Truths about myself. I will be forever in your debt for that. Thank You!! At this point I can no longer claim victim status… I have become a volunteer. I now must make the commitment to quit “raising my hand”. 🙂 Reading this article has helped me to understand where those core beliefs about my value as a person come from and allow me to , beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with myself. I feel the Love in your efforts here
One more time thank you !!
And I was just woeinrdng about that too!
I fear for my 8 yr old son & after reading this article I’m panicking! I thought I took too long to realize my only option is to divorce and leave. I’ve started that process, but the lawyer tells me that going for supervised visitation will be nearly impossible to win & will cost thousands w/out any guarantee.
So then how do I protect my son from more of the manipulation, yelling, intimidation, dangerous situations, fear, tears, insecurity, torment and sadness? – especially when I can’t be there to protect him? Especially with knowing my husband will use his visitation time to freely continue his abuse, & magnify it just to spite me? His older son (24) is a complete mess because of my husband and I can clearly see him trying to do the same thing with our boy.
Help!!! This has been my reason for not divorcing sooner – I won’t be able to protect my son! I won’t be there to pull him out of the car before my husband tries to show him how ‘cool’ it is to speed. I won’t be there to stop my husband & his older son from smoking pot in front of him, or from riding a motorcycle w/out a helmet. Or drinking and driving. My son is already telling me that my husband is telling him to keep secrets from me about what he does behind my back.
I don’t have the $ to fight him in courts that don’t recognize the damage a Narssacist can inflict on a child. My counselor says they will see it & my lawyer says it can backfire after the battle.
After reading this and how my son will be affected by him, I think I need to sacrifice my life to protect my son. I just gave the lawyer my retainer fee today! I told her and my counselor my fears for his safety and they assured me he’ll be better off with the divorce, that my son will want to be with me because of how my husband treats him, but what about visitation !? What about the fact that he can still be Mr. Fun dad that any kid would want to go with?
Help Please! I was feeling confident in my one direction before this read 🙁
One Direction: My best friend is going through a divorce, and her ex is a narcissist. Her son is about your son’s age. There’s a great book called “Splitting: Protecting yourself while divorcing someone with Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder.” It actually gives some really good advice on helping courts to see the patterns of behavior. The first half was about the disorders themselves and how they manifest in marriage and divorce. I hope this helps, and I wish you and your son all the luck in the world. Just know that having one strong, loving, stable parent is enough. You are enough, and your son is lucky to have you.
My first memories are of having been the “enemy” in dealings with my father. Scoured all memories to understand what horrific crime I could have committed at an early age to be hated with such passion. Thanks to your article I have come to realize it wasn’t me. I still feel dirty and sad but do not waste any more time searching for my transgressions as a toddler, which at one time I had assumed started the hate (when I was very young) and smear campaigns later in life. And no I do not think I am damaged, I know the fight to be accepted has damaged me, as it would any other.
This was a wonderful article to find and share. My husband and I were both raised by the most extreme narcissists and have a deep bond of understanding toward one another because of it. We were both the source of narcissistic supply to our families. I have 6 siblings, and believe that at least the 3 oldest ones are as extreme narcissists as as my mother and her boyfriend were. My mother and her boyfriend have beaten me, and my siblings, and my siblings have severely beaten their own children and have severely beaten, and physically wounded me while telling me it was my fault. I carry deep physical scars to this day. When I was nine, on our farm in KY, my older brother threw a rooster in my face that burst pupil in my right eye. I was beaten by my mother for what he did to me while I was still writing in pain from the rooster spur in my right eye. My narcissist mother tried to wipe the pupil away with a dirty dishtowel as she raged at me for my brothers actions. She didn’t want to take me to the hospital, and a neighbor ended up encouraging it. 9 hours later I was in surgery, and hospitalized for 2 weeks. I will be 58 next month and my brother has still never apologized. I have no relationship with any of them because of their emotional and physical violence. My older sister nearly choked me to death with an iron cord as she beat me in the head with the iron because I asked her to please stop beating her daughter. It was all so extreme. After years of counseling, I still wake up feeling shame for having been joyful the night before. I am learning, and I am growing, and the best thing for me is that I can spot a narcissist a mile away. I married 3 of them and paid a high emotional and physical tuition for it, and I am as happy as I can be today because I learned that the narcissists have a mental illness and they have no idea that what they are doing is so malignant. I’ve forgiven them all, and because I care enough about myself now to keep them away from me, they will not have the chance to hurt me again. There is no peace like the peace I feel from understanding I am a normal and healthy person regardless of what the narcissists would have me believe. Thank you so much for your articles, and Esteemology Savannah Grey. You are a gem.
Dear Serendipity. Your story is so like mine. It also took me until my last relationship (five & a half yrs ago) until I was so broken that I needed counselling.
It’s been a long but worthwhile journey, finding as much as I can possibly can to discover where it all started. I can’t honestly imagine how much worse it must be to be that parent’s caregiver. My heart goes out to you. Can you get some back-up so that you can have a break, or get some counselling to help you cope? You’ve taken on a lot, so please don’t hesitate to ask for help where you can. Love, Eileen.
With my narc, stage 3 (in reference to behaviors towards children) we never had kids together but he did have those issues with my young son. He always had negative things to point out about him and would get irritated because he thought I took my son’s side over his (which, in reality, I did because I was protecting my son from my narc’s rage and intimidation). I NEVER allowed my narc to spank him. I told him I would be in charge if that because he would want to ‘discipline’ my son when he was at his angriest. BUT… Later in our marriage, he was almost opposite with other people’s young children. I soon understood why little ones loved my narc. My narc would initially give children (of our friends) so much attention, that everytime he would come around them after that, they remembered how special he made them feel and so, in return, those little children adored my narc. In other words, they became Primary Supplies to my narc. Then, after the adult parents noticed ‘How well he was with children’ (smh), they would also become Primary Supplies by always bringing up how impressed they were at how much their children adored my narc. Thank God, I fully understand what NPD is now. I laugh at how predictable and immature acting he can be at times. And because I know him SO well, I manipulate him to my benefit. Yeah, I know our relationship will never be a ‘normal’ one. But because I don’t take his behavior personally anymore (because I now know it’s not my fault and I’m not the ‘crazy one’ after all), my reactions to him are different. So whenever he does have an NPD behavior moment, it doesn’t last long. We get along SO much better now. I have God to thank for that. 🙂
I just got out of an abusive relationship with a cerebral narcassiSt man. . He was adopted by a horribly abusive narcassist father and a mother who also suffered from his abuse. At this point, i look at my ex as though he is pure evil but also feel pity for him. How horrible his childhood must have been too be raised by and become such a monster. Nothing i can do about this now but save myself and my children. ..
I have so much resonation with this article. My father is the narcissist. I think he is really the terrible kind. Some scenes of what i have been through was beyond imaginable. And it still makes me so angry to think of what happened back then. But when you gain some sense and clarity you also see things from the other side as well. Meaning i could see my dad when he was very little going through the same scenarios of abuse probably even worse when he was a kid. And it makes me understand somehow that it was never his choice to be this way. And it really makes me feel sad for him and find ways to forgive him. No one would ever want to be a narcissist and become someone who abuses the ones he/she loves and living miserable life if they were given choice. They were also severely abused when they were kid and its unfortunate they could never find the way back and learn to love self like the codependents can. I dont mean to encourage narcissists but i think this is part of the truth.
Thank you very much for this article, Savanah.
I was brought up in this way and used as a scapegoat for the whole family since I was the youngest. My older sisters learnt how to bully me with the same severe criticism and lies that my mother used. It led to being a bully target for most of my life until I finally had therapy several years ago.
I have forgiven much, but the one thing I can’t forgive is the learned behaviour which passed onto me as a parent. I exhibited narcissistic behaviours, but genuinely was appalled by it, and looking back I know that I tried to counteract it and mostly became the loving parent that I felt inside towards my son. It still saddens me that I couldn’t enjoy being a mum as much as I’d have loved to, and especially so for my son’s sake.
I can’t alter time, but I’ve had to learn to forgive myself too, and having counselling has made me understand that I do have natural compassion and love for others beneath all the anger that I used to have.
It took me 45 years to finally understand that I am not crazy and that my mother was a narcissist. I have been the black sheep and scapegoat of the family my entire life, and every single relationship I have ever had has been with a narcissist. I always used to wonder why I could only capture my ex husbands and any mans attention for three months at a time and went through life with the worst feelings of worthlessness and insecurity. Yet no man I ever dated left me alone after breaking up with me. My friends used to wonder what I had that kept the men coming back to me. Finally I know it is the legacy of being raised in the home I was, not because I was unforgettable. It was the last relationship that almost destroyed me that left me searching for the answers that finally set me free. Unfortunately the journey is still very painful and I sometimes cannot see the sense in life at all. I am the sole caregiver to my narcissistic parent and it is a living hell.
What can I do now that my sons are grown? Their father abandoned all of us when they were teens. He was a narcississt to the extreme. Now My oldest is 30 yr old and has anger issues and other issues, and he seems to be blaming me. I tried to protect them from the craziness, but now I can’t even talk to him, without getting rude angry answers. They’re too old to listen to me, and it looks like I’m just nagging which makes things worse. They also say a narcississt can’t change, Is it just too late?