It’s normal to be sad after a break-up. They hurt after all. What adds to the anguish, though, is the fact that, Codependents have a knack of blocking out all of the bad stuff and making the tiniest decent gesture, by their ex, a monumental experience. When the time comes to morn the relationship, the tools you have developed, determine how quickly you’ll get over it.
If you have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms, all you’ll have left is a skewed memory and a big ole pair of rose colored glasses. Perception is everything. How you look at an obstacle, determines how easy or how tough your experience will be. If all you do, is focus on what you lost and you look disdainfully at what you have left, especially if you live in fantasy land, where you have a skewed imagination of what you actually had, you will delay your healing exponentially.
The truth is what you’ve lost wasn’t your soul mate. They weren’t the love of your life. There wasn’t this unbreakable connection that you shared. Your time together wasn’t filled with oodles and oodles of fun and happy times. And it’s time to straighten out your thinking and see the truth.
<They weren’t the love of your life, because the love of your life, ideally, loves you back and treats you with love, kindness and respect.
<You didn’t have an unbreakable connection because they are gone – your perceived connection was a manufactured mirage, shared by one.
<Did you have fleeting moments of joy and happiness? Sure, but all that means is your Narcissist wasn’t horrifically awful all the time.
The fact that you fail to see the forest for the trees, is indicative of a very real problem with the way you think. It makes sense, that if you have been treated poorly much of you life, any act of kindness, you experience, will be an exaggerated perception in your memory, just in the wake of contrast. In the same way, if you’re starving and someone gives you a cracker, that is going to be the best, most delicious cracker you’ve ever had. You ignore the fact that it was made with palm oil and flour and is really, really bad for you. All you can see is – it was food and you were hungry and someone gave it to you. You miss that the giver of the cracker fed it to you for entirely selfish reasons. They saw your hunger and used it to manipulated you to get what they wanted.
Another issue that disrupts healthy thinking, is that individuals that grow up in dysfunctional families have been conditioned to doubt their reality. When your young mind perceives a reality and then the grown-ups around you, keep telling you that’s not what you saw and they repeat it again and again, the truth gets lost, because we know that when something is repeated over and over again it replaces truth in our memory. As well, when your caregivers blame you for drawing an obvious conclusion and make you feel shame for thinking that way, it becomes very difficult for you to determine fact from fiction.
When you dwell on a fantasy, it will easily double your recovery time. When your focus is solely on them, what they are thinking and doing and who they’re doing it with, you will waste an inordinate amount of your time and energy, wrapped up on things that cause you pain and that you cannot control.
You can’t continue to compare yourself to the new partner either, because it’s not a competition between you and her or you and him. His or her decision to go elsewhere isn’t because they are better than you. They left because they have a dysfunctional set of needs and that person fills those needs better than you at this moment. He didn’t leave because she’s prettier, he left because she’s shiny, new and different and is someone else he can get supply from. She didn’t leave because you’re lacking in some way, she left because the new target doesn’t know her game and how dysfunctional she is. He didn’t leave you for her because she is better than you, he left because he is always searching for something else and he convinced himself that all his problems are all your fault. You can’t reason with that. You can’t change their mind when their thinking is this off and they lack insight into their own motivations and behaviors. You can’t do the comparison game with a narcissist because it’s not about that, it’s solely about them and what they convince themselves that they need at that moment.
Another obstacle is getting past the lies and unfulfilled promises. You were building a life together and it’s not so easy to just let that go. Many are married, engaged, share children and homes together. These are very real, tangible things and it’s not easy to accept that your relationship was all in your head. The bottom line is – that was your life – it’s not your life anymore and if you don’t adapt, you’re going to be in a whole world of hurt.
If you stay in that mode of longing for what was and you refuse to let it go, you’re going to draw more people, events and circumstances to you, that cause you disappointment and pain.
Gratitude is the Key
It’s all about gratitude. “What now? How can I feel gratitude when I’m so damn miserable?” You might be asking. “How can I move on, when thoughts of him or her, with someone else, fill my every waking moment?
These are important questions. I have dealt with clients, whose entire focus was on what they lost and how much their lives suck now. They can’t get past the notion that their ex-Narcissist is so happy and living an amazing life on social media, with their new partner, while they are stuck in a pit of despair and depression.
I always say that you have got to change your perception and the sooner you do it, the sooner you get passed this.
Step one is always live from truth – take off the rose colored glasses and see things as they truly are. This was not your soul mate, you didn’t have a love for the ages – you had an addiction to the trauma-drama. That is not love – it’s dysfunction.
The next step is to start to look at your new life, your new chapter, with a new set of eyes – stop thinking about what you lost and start thinking about what you have gained.
Then sit in that feeling and meditate on it. For me gratitude is the same feeling as joy, so create the state of joy, while you are meditating and focus on what you do have and where you want to go. Think about things like:
- Your life is all about you now
- You get to be the star
- You get to learn how to be autonomous
- You don’t have to live with that toxic, anxiety provoking energy anymore – you get to be free
- You get to spend your time healing and growing and living an authentic life with real love and real friendships
- You get to figure out your purpose
- You get to go wherever you want, travel where you want
- You don’t have to walk on egg shells and spend your time trying to please someone who will never be happy – you get to be happy just because you want to
- You get to set your own goals
- You get to figure out what you enjoy
- You get to create your life exactly how you want it
- The energy in your environment is entirely yours
- No one can ever take away the life that you have built all by yourself
- You get to find inner peace
I hear statements like this a lot:
- I’m old
- I’m all alone
- I don’t have any money
- I’m fat
- No one is going to want me now
- I don’t have any friends
There might be an element of truth in some of these and you’re perfectly welcome to dwell on them. You can spend your time feeling sad and depressed. You can continue to lie to yourself about what a big loss you’ve suffered. You can spend the rest of your days trolling your ex’s life online, making unreasonable comparisons and you can morn the pretend life you were having, or you can focus on all of the other gorgeous things mentioned above.
There’s a great saying, “You have $86,400 in your bank account and someone steals $10 from you. Would you be upset and spend the rest of the $86,390 trying to get back at the person who stole your $10, or would you move on and live? See, we have 86,400 seconds in every day, so don’t let someone who has already stolen time from you, steal anymore of it.”
Change your mindset and realize that losing your Narcissist was a gain not a loss. See this new chapter as something exciting and new and embrace the notion that you are now and forevermore, fully and completely in charge of your life. Make it great. Make it epic!
Your Comments!!!!!!!
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Great timing Savannah. I found this article enormously helpful as I have been struggling for some time now to get over my relationship with a Narcicisst. It lasted 15 years and it’s now 6 years since I broke it off. I did so because I realised what was happening to me by continuing. Very hard – cos I still loved him. Also meant I lost a dance partner who I competed with. It’s meant I am no longer interested in having another relationship.
“Individuals that grow up in dysfunctional families have been conditioned to doubt their reality.” This is so much of what I am learning right now: to trust my own perceptions again. I was told the sky was red all through my childhood — that I was too sensitive, that things weren’t really that bad, that cruel thing didn’t happen, yes, this time he is really telling the truth–forget all the lies, they didn’t really happen. I was a pretzel! I was so distrustful of my gut feelings because I was told again and again they were wrong. I was wrong. My perceptions were wrong.
So now, I go slow and listen to that little voice that says, “Um, I think the sky is actually blue.” And I get to keep this new perception! No more walking on eggshells. No more tight stomach the minute I open my mouth or need something. One of the nice things about my childhood was that I had to be very nurturing, nice and generous to fulfill my role…and now I have this very nice, nurturing, generous person all to myself. Me!
There is never enough of these excellent reminders! Thank you Savannah. I need to learn it by heart or at least re-read it from time to time, particularly at the times when I slip into the old “poor me, what have I done with my life” bottomless pit.
Hi Savannah,
I keep reading your blog even though I’m technically “sorted out”!
BUT, having read this item it comes at a very good time for me, in that I’ve recently met someone who I really, really like. In fact it’s almost the same as all my earlier (disastrous ideal) soulmates.
I’ve been battling in my head about the new person, but at last (before I go completely over the top as I usually do) I’ve carefully thought out all the things that are important…. and you know what? I’m passing on this one!!!!!!
It’s the first time ever. I’m not getting involved!!!!
I think you’ve shown me the light!!!
Thanks so much…
As usual your article was spot on!!!! My ex and I ended up at the voting booth at the same time even though he lives 10 miles away. We talked and he said he still had feelings for me and I replied the same way. He said he wad going to stop by the house which is just around the corner. But I was on my way to the doctor. He said he would come the next day. At first I was excited, that maybe we could work things out. . Then when he came He could not find anything good about me or my lifestyle. i was so relieved when he left. what i found was my narcissistic ex had obvious not moved on, was very depressed, not happy with his apartment complex, life, etc.
What I found was even though I am sad about the marriage ending, I have found that he is no longer toxic to me and I have made some changes in my life and moving on in a positive way. with my councilor and your web site you have helped me. I FEEL GREAT. I know if he comes back and asks to get back together it won’t work, and I have the strength to say NO. I told him he needed to look your website and his reply was a resounding no. He must like wallowing in his misery, not me I”M moving on. That’s not to say I don’t have moments of lonesomeness but I am working on ME. and getting stronger everyday. THANK YOU!!!!!!
Savannah, you’ve hit the proverbial nail on the head with this article. This has summarized everything I have been feeling that has hampered me from moving on from an extremely painful ghosting 7 months ago. It appeared as if you’ve looked into our hearts with a camera and you are able to put into words the feelings that we ourselves were not able to identify. When I’m feeling low, I come to your website for inspiration.
Thank you for being there.
Good read. Of that list there are 2 points I really related to and am very grateful for.
1. not live with that toxic, anxiety provoking energy anymore – get to be free
2. don’t have to walk on eggshells and spend my time trying to please someone who will never be happy
the rest of the points I never compromised even when I was with him. I always traveled, I always did what I wanted. Its good to know these were the only 2 points for me… but these 2 were huge!
thank you 🙂
Fantastic. its almost as if you knew me and my situation. my ex bipolar was pure heck on earth. never knowing what i would say to offend that could be twisted into something to say to her “friends and family against me. the bigger the lie, the more they will believe it.
It is a refreshing view you have given to me.
Thank you so much.
I hope others will see themselves, as i do.
It is not wrong to love someone, just the need to be more open eyed and care full of myself.
No more toxic energy surrounding me anymore.
I may not be perfect, but i am not what this person sees at all.
or what i am portrayed to be. I tried to help. My mistake.
I should not seek to help, where none is wanted.
after all, i cannot help someone who is already perfect in their mind.
i wish i knew this many $$$ ago, many heartbreaks ago.
keep going Savvy. You are spot on.
thank you so much.
Thank you. The article hit home and once again helped me focus on MY journey.Your writing is clear, perceptive and your metaphors do serve to reinforce your points. Well done.
This arrived in my mailbox just at the right time, I have long spells when I feel I have conquered all the negative thinking I subject myself to but if I take the eyes of the ball for just a second it all floats back and I feel inadequate and definitely “Not enough”..
I even went as far as getting the word “enough” tattooed on my left wrist as a constant reminder that I am infact perfect, just as I am.
Today was a low day and this article certainly helped getting me back on track, so Thank You!!
Excellent article. Just what I needed to hear. You’re insight is so accurate. Thank you. I was ruminating past thoughts of only the good parts. I needed this. You’re advice is timeless and spot on for anyone having trouble moving on.