The whole concept of forgiveness sounds like a huge cliché doesn’t it? Somehow, by some stroke of magic, forgiving someone, who has done you a terrible wrong, is supposed to make you feel better. That sentiment has always sounded a little ridiculous to me.
We’re probably all familiar with Buddha’s famous quote, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
That sounds logical in principal, but the reality of giving someone a free pass after they hurt you, just doesn’t sit well with a lot of us. It’s like saying, “You know what – it’s all good. Don’t worry about it. It’s just my feelings, my life, my self-esteem and my heart that you crushed – but hey – no biggie.” I would equate that with the doormat-like behavior I’ve fought so hard to get away from.
Forgiveness just doesn’t seem to give a sense of empowerment. The whole idea of it makes a lot of people mad, because you know what? Hurting me – is a big deal – it’s not all good – and there should be some sort of universal justice that holds people accountable.
We all want justice and we all want to feel like we matter, that our feelings matter. And somehow letting go of it seems like we’re letting someone off of the hook.
When we’ve been victimized our anger is necessary. Anger kind of gets a bad rap, but it can be a good thing, for example, when it’s used to fuel you out of a bad situation, or emotional headspace – when it’s the fuel of your indignation or dissatisfaction, it can be very powerful and uplifting. Anger is good when it fuels change.
For a long time I believed that my anger and resentment kept me safe and in control. It was a shield that protected me and told anyone bent on doing me harm, that I wasn’t ever going to be anyone’s victim again. It kept me strong and it was a constant reminder that I would never again be that pathetic, emotionally weak girl that nobody loved. With it, I felt powerful, like I stood in the face of all adversity and said, “Come on, do your worst,” It gave me that Grrrrrr. It was my inner warrior and allowed me to battle through any challenge and go toe to toe with my fear. It made me feel invincible.
As time went on, that strength that my anger had given me, became a part of me. I began to realize that I didn’t need my anger anymore. The truth was, my anger had become a coping mechanism. It was my protection and when situations came up that would trigger my fears, or past hurts – my armor clicked on instantly. If a man tried to get close, out came the shield. My dates started to go like this:
Guy: Hello I’m Jack.
Me: Hi Jack, I’m Savannah and just so you know – you can’t hurt me. I will never let you hurt me, because I’ll never let you get close enough. My past has taught me, not to trust anyone, that people hurt you and that I have to look out for number one. So sorry, this is not going to end well – for you.
“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. ” ~Buddha
As I concentrated on getting emotionally healthier, I became increasingly aware of the damage that was done to me, throughout my life. I was angry at my dad, for dying and leaving me when I was so young. I was angry at my mom, for making me feel broken, flawed and never good enough, I was angry at my ex Narcissist for destroying whatever was left of me. I had a lot of resentment and anger stored up inside of me and I was afraid that if I let that go then I would be open for more abuse and besides – how could I forgive them. They didn’t deserve my forgiveness – they deserved to hurt, like I hurt, because they caused it.
Don’t Touch My Thorn
I’m embarrassed to say, that when I watch movies, or see shows where a father dies, or is killed and he leaves a young child behind, I’m a mess. I can’t even watch the Lion King. I mean, I get that thing, whatever it is, in my throat, I can’t breathe, my heart just hurts and tears are running down my face. I try to keep really quiet, so no one notices, but it happens pretty much, every time. I suppose it takes me back to that moment when I knew my dad was never coming back. I’m that little girl all over again. I never grieved properly for my dad. I never dealt with it at all. I just tucked it away and soldiered on. But it comes up every time a similar event happens and it gets triggered.
The same thing happens when I see a child experience success and their parents are there and they’re telling them how proud they are. I never heard anything like that growing up. My parents never went to any of my graduations, elementary school, high-school or University. I never got an, I love you, a good for you, or an, I’m so proud of you, never – not once and every time I see that…. It triggers my hurt and my resentment and my emotions bubble up.
And dating…I learned to never let anyone get close to me. I was suspicious of every guy that wanted to be with me. As they tried to get closer, they’d be hitting my panic button. I’d feel like that weak, helpless girl that my Narcissist left, and all I could see was the new relationship turning into the same relationship with my Narcissist and I was never going to let that happen again.
What I learned from all this, is that if we don’t deal with our shit – it doesn’t go away – it remains stuck in us, until we release it. When we close our hearts to keep us safe, it traps our hurt inside of us. If we don’t get rid of it, it will pop up every time a similar situation comes up and triggers it.
I read a great analogy by Michael A. Singer, in his book, The Untethered Soul:
Imagine that you have a thorn in your arm that directly touches a nerve. When the thorn is touched, it’s painful. Because it hurts so much, the thorn is a serious problem. It’s difficult to sleep, because you roll over on it. It’s hard to get close to people, because they might touch it. It makes your daily life very difficult. You can’t even go for a walk in the woods, because you might brush the thorn against the branches. This thorn is a constant source of disturbance and to solve the problem you only have two choices.
The first choice is to look at your situation and decide that since it’s so disturbing when things touch the thorn, you need to make sure that nothing touches it. The second choice is to decide that since it’s so disturbing when things touch it, you need to take it out. The effects of the choice you make will determine the course of the rest of your life.
Most people walk through their lives just trying to figure out the best way to protect themselves from pain, they never even ask the question, ‘How do I get rid of it?’ The answer is so obvious and it’s has been hiding in plain sight this whole time. We get rid of anger, resentment, bitterness, and pain through forgiveness.
“You Can Have a Grievance, or You Can Have a Miracle, But You Can’t Have Both.” – Marianne Williamson
One of my favorite author’s Marianne Williamson, was on Oprah’s super soul Sunday last week. She is the best-selling author of the book, A Return to Love. In the interview the author discussed the concept behind, what she called, Divine Compensation. She said that when someone causes you harm – the universe gets right on that. She claims that God holds in trust for us the entirety of our true potential, but if our hearts are not open – if we have closed them because we are angry and bitter, we will not be able to receive the divine gifts the universe has for us.
This may sound a little too New Agy for many of you, but it does make sense even from a logical perspective. If I’m focused on my hurt and anger and the need to protect myself and a great guy comes my way, because my heart is not open, I will repel any new and healthy relationship, until I shift my perception from fear to love.
Author of Journey of Souls, Michael Newton, believes that we choose our lives before we carnate into our physical bodies. He claims, we choose our parents, our circumstances and that we even make arrangements with others in the spirit world to cause us pain in the physical world, so that we may learn, what we came here to learn and so that we will wake up spiritually in the physical world. He believes that the older and more experienced the soul, the harder and more painful the lessons to be learned.
While that concept may be hard to wrap your head around, it does certainly make holding a grudge a colossal waste of time.
Letting it all go
Some time ago I had come to the realization that it was time to let go of my anger. It had served me well, but it was now holding me back. I hesitate putting this in here, because it honestly sounds pretty lame, but I know a lot of people will be asking, “How do I let go of my anger?” And the results that I got where pretty amazing.
I’m going to preface everything by saying I’m not into rituals– I think they’re lame. I don’t know anything about crystals other than they are pretty, but here’s how I came to a place of forgiveness. You by no means have to do any of this, this is just what I did and it worked for me.
I lit 3 white candles and placed them on a table – why – because my favorite author Wayne Dyer says before he writes he lights 3 white candles.
I placed a clear crystal and a smoky crystal on the table. Why – they are supposed to do something with the energy- I think clear gives positive energy and smoky sucks in bad energy.
I placed a picture on the table of everyone that I held resentment towards.
I lit white sage and cleansed myself in the purifying smoke.
One by one, I picked up each picture and looked directly into their eyes and I had a really good conversation with each person. I told each one why I was angry with them, that they hurt me, and I told them about all the pain that they had caused me. I cried and I sat with the pain. I felt it in my heart and I just let myself feel it. I tried to be empathetic and to understand why they did what they did to me. I somehow came to the understanding that each one did the best they could, with the tools that they had. I then looked at all of the things that each one had taught me and I began to see that they were all necessary for my growth and development. I told them that I forgave them. I was breathing deeply and I let the pain flow through me and out of my heart.
I then brought my emotions to a happy place and I exuded love and joy and wished them well.
And once I was finished I said a prayer and I asked God and the Universe to take this burden from me and then I went to bed. The next day I reached for my resentment and it wasn’t there. I felt different, lighter, freer, more peaceful and happier. Periodically, I still test myself to feel if it’s there. But it’s gone. It has left me entirely and try as I might I can’t even access it.
We are all at different stages in our journey, for many, anger and resentment are the catalysts that allow us to get away from abuse. Anger protects and makes us feel safe. But eventually, when it has served its purpose, there will come a time when you have to let it go.
Oprah Winfrey once said, “The sign of true forgiveness is when you stop wishing it had been any other way.”
I don’t recommend radical forgiveness for people who are just out of their abusive relationships. I think it takes time and the need to protect yourself, at that moment, is greater than the need to forgive. As you work through the stages and you are well on your journey towards healing and when you do reach the place where you wouldn’t change it, regardless of how awful it was – then I think you are ready to let go of your anger, resentment and bitterness. Only when you are liberated from it and it’s all behind you, are you truly free and ready for whatever comes next, with no strings tying you to your past.
Your Comments!!!!!!!
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See the link below for clips of Marianne Williamson on Oprah.
I really needed this article today. I feel like I’ve built a wall around me (I am only 18 days out of an abusive relationship and currently being stalked). I’m doing all I can to heal, but I know forgiveness will be an important step for me on this journey. I will google where to get the crystals and the white sage, but just reading this post made me realise that my narcissist ex came into my life to stop me sleep-walking through it. I know after I’ve healed fully from this my life won’t be the same, and I will stop following the life script others gave me in my childhood. With this in mind it is much easier to feel compassion for my ex. He can no longer be in my life, but I can wish him well with his life-limiting condition and be thankful for all the lessons his involvement in my life has taught me. Thanks so much Savannah. Forgiveness is a tough concept to get your head around, but as always you provide practical steps to help us.
Beautiful. Thank you.
I don’t forgive people who haven’t apologized for what they’ve done and who haven’t changed their behaviors that hurt me and others.
I remove myself as best I can from such people. I will not share my life with them. And that means too that I will not dwell on their harm. They don’t get to exist in my mind anymore – and it does take time and practice to exorcise them… But I don’t forgive them, if they haven’t asked for forgiveness and changed.
They have a responsibility, as we all do, to put good into the world, and if they don’t make ammmends for their harm and sincerely work to stop harming — then “forgiving” them seems to me to be condoning harmful behavior. And I can’t and won’t do that.
Jane we don’t forgive people for them – we forgive them for our own well-being – because hanging on to anger, bitterness and hurt aren’t good for us. It really has nothing to do with them.
I’m sorry, I realise I haven’t made myself clear at all. I felt I had no choice but to stay as with a 4yr old, 19 months and new born, where could I go? I knew he would just disappear and I would have no money, no where to live and??? Also, I now think my obsession with these men was due to the fact they were women abusers and I felt angry towards them. Wanted them but at the same time hated them…I know, very strange, weird!
Hello, found your site a couple of weeks ago and haven’t stopped reading and rereading. This particular article has struck me as I go between bouts of anger and vowing I will get better/heal and that will be my revenge and what I deserve…to I really can’t muster the energy! Briefly, terrible childhood,very complicated, vicious mother then onto 26 years of marriage. He’s a good one, moving to the other side of the world due to his job, Australia,as far as we could have got from family and friends and to top it all I was not allowed to work as I was there on his visa but I had a baby of 13 months. Wow, long story, suffice to say, when we arrived in Australia his true colours shone through. The silent treatment, being just a vessel for him in bed, enormous aggression and constant criticism. Why many of us don’t leave these relationships is many fold but for me by the time we left Australia we had three children. My father who is now deceased was a stout Catholic and believed in the ‘prodigal son’, whom he did accept back but not the prodigal daughter! He actually told me, “If you have problems with your husband, don’t think you can just come back here’! Dual standards and very hurtful. When I had my third beautiful healthy daughter, I called my family, my father said, “I feel sorry for your husband” I was shocked, couldn’t understand why such a joyful moment should be turned on it’s head, he replied, “You didn’t give him a boy”!!! I then had to explain xx xy to my father, but so hurtful and coming from a Catholic? Be grateful for what you get! So, I felt I had no choice, but to stay. I was also confused because, like a true narc he was insidiously working his evil spell on me, the topping on the cake my parents had half baked for me. We then moved to France, which is when my father died and that was when things turned into a complete load of nonsense! Talking about hitting your head against a brick wall! Nothing worked but left me queering how could he always be right? even in normal circumstances I must be right sometimes, even 1% of the time? I then started to become obsessed with certain types of men, I really wanted them to want me and my sex. I couldn’t stand it when they refused me! It drove me mad, sad and feeling like shit, worthless, a nobody, worth nothing but it was nuts and I knew it and felt so ashamed/humiliated by my own behaviour. Finally my ex attacked me physically in front of our children when he should have been helping and protecting us, I realised the marriage was over. I’m a mother, I can not allow my girls to see that kind of behaviour and by my example think it’s alright for a man to hit a woman. They had already seen the mental abuse. Oh, I could go on, my problem now is, I feel like throwing in the towel, I have taken to alcohol, don’t recognise or know myself anymore, I have had the same load of washing turning in the washing machine for three weeks!!! I’m not coping and don’t know where to turn. Your sites help me, I understand everything on a logical level, am seeing a psychoanalyst but he’s old style Freudian and I’m beginning to wonder if he is not a controller! He asked me, “Why are you talking about your husband? What do you want me to do about it?”. Ok, I get he wants me to find the answers but sometimes we just want recognition, which is what your site gives to us, thank you. Sorry, this has been written a bit haphazardly but I feel the need to write!
Savannah ~ I came across your site 2 days ago and I have literally been glued to it. You and I have SO many similarities in our experiences and your words reach me like no other. All I can say is “wow and thank you for sharing” You have a natural gift the way you share your stories and feelings and just simply express your experiences.
I have battled depression most of my life. I had a hard childhood. There was sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Both my mother and father were narcissists, i believe. And to make it even more interesting, they also had completely different expectations in life, which made it difficult to live with one or the other. I feel sad for the innocence I lost. But that which is broken can be repaired. Hello Superglue! sure i might be a vessel which might leak water but i can still be useful and full….carrying sand for instance. But one thing reading these comments has shown me….is that I am not the only one who is struggling. There are many of us fighting. Fighting our fears and our perceptions. Fighting for peace. lol. I am close. I just want more clarity and strength in my life now. God, however and wherever U sit…please give me that.
Savannah Thank you, it was very helpful to find your blog and gave me insight how do deal with my issues i face with. i feel the change n stress levels i am dealing with. thanks a ton for sharing your experience.
Hi Savannah!
I have been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding this topic. Some were kind of helpful, but most just said the same general thing without really divulging into the how to just the you need to which is so frustrating and I feel a waste of my time.
I rarely leave comments unless the material has angered my soul and I can’t help but to tear apart the ignorance of others. The other time is when someone has poured their heart and passionate soul into a beautifully crafted and well researched work that truly touches me. Your lovely blog was just amazing and relatable to me.
I’m a blogger as well and touch on similar topics so I understand the work that goes along with the intelligence and creativity required to put forth your best work.
I have much respect for your style and wisdom displayed here and I wish you the best! Thanks for the fantastic read and even better advice! ♡
Today is an especially hard day for me. This article talks about anger and my anger is towards myself not him. I realize he has done a major job of making me feel guilty!! Because as we all know its “my fault” he cheated since day one. It is my fault he had to put his hands on me!!! I am so mad at myself for allowing this to happen for so long and at the same time for allowing his words to place fear in my heart of my future!! I feel frozen as though his words ring true. He tells me I will never do good without him, that I will never have peace and find someone else. He tells me that if he ever see’s me with someone he will walk up to that person and tell him horrible things about me!! I want to find a way to let go of my fears and not allow his words to hurt me so much!!!! Uuuugggghhh
Alice anger is a very important step to letting go of a Narcissist. I’ve written a couple of blogs on using your anger in productive ways. Read them if you have a chance and be happy that you’re angry – anger fuels action. When you’re sad and defeated you’re immobile – when you’re angry you’re ready to get up and fight for yourself – this is a good thing.
Wonderful article Savannah! I have wrestled with the concept of “forgiveness” for years, because for me it somehow made me feel extra guilty if I did NOT forgive someone. I was raised in a Christian household where we were told to always forgive. So in some ways, not having to forgive someone and it be ok has been good for me. Having said that, holding on to anger and resentment is so truly futile in the long run. It may serve to protect us initially, but I agree that holding onto the anger for too long only ends up hurting ourselves. So for me, forgiveness is about letting go of control. Surrender to whatever is for the highest good. I try to remind myself that when narcissists have harmed me in some way, I have to take their energy, good or bad, and use it to improve myself. It’s taken many years to get to where I can do this, and sometimes I stumble. But I also see my “enemies” as something I want to learn from, to learn how not only to deal with them better, but to understand and discover why they are able to do such a number on me. No one should have that much power. Beyond that, I pray for their highest good, as well as my own, and I continue trying to keep my heart open as much as possible, while at the same time remaining more aware and observative. Paying more attention from a detached point of view, rather than an emotional one so I can make better choices.
Excellent article, Savannah. It has been four months since my ex-N moved with his new supply; I’ve done a lot of work (as Iyanla says–do your work)since. I was in therapy every week for three months, I’ve been no contact the entire four months he’s been gone even though I have to see him at work once or twice a week (we work in the same bldg a floor apart). We also have mutual friends that “update” me on his shenanigans, yet despite all of that, I feel more free than I’ve ever been, there is a clarity to my thoughts and each day my anger slowly dissipates to where I look at him with pity. After I forgave MYSELF first for ignoring the red flags (I knew this man for 15 years total and lived with him for 3) I was able to slowly make my way to the light. I thank God EVERYDAY that he is out of my life and I was able to get out. I’ve also been dating someone the past two months who is a normal, down to earth man who is the antithesis of my N-Ex. After reading this article, the epiphany came that I was ready to forgive and move on and I’ve forgiven my ex for his crap because he actually led me to places in my life I didn’t know I could go, he showed me what I don’t want in a man, and he helped me to learn to establish boundaries. In essence he helped me change my life for the better, so I realized I didn’t need that anger I directed towards him anymore. He’ll always stay the same but I’ve already changed. To all still hurting, it WILL get better, always look ahead and keep marching forward and keep reading Savannah’s posts as often as possible. Next to my therapist this site helped me to understand who I was dealing with so I could move forward with my life. I wish you all the best and I will continue reading your comments.
I’m 23 years old, still struggling in the aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse. I’m not able to make sense of anything right now, wondering if I will ever recover from this. This was my first relationship; he was in my life until a few days ago when I emailed him, which means almost 3 years … but the last time I met him was a year ago. I’m going total NC now (indefinitely), but all of it is driving me crazy. If there’s anyone who would like to be pen pals with me over Gmail, please email me: goangela04@gmail.com
Savannah, your blog is helping me loads. I did not even know what happened to me, until I stumbled upon your blog. I genuinely believe it is a Godsend.
I feel as it your article empowered me this evening. Thank you. I felt as if I were reading my life story. For the first time in months I feel hopeful. For years I was a numb walking zombie, living in denial. There is a beautiful light called hope. This article gave that too me. Many Thanks
“My parents never went to any of my graduations, elementary school, high-school or University. I never got an, I love you, a good for you, or an, I’m so proud of you, never – not once and every time I see that…. It triggers my hurt and my resentment and my emotions bubble up.”
Hello Savannah,
Thank you for this and so many great writings, you are truly a life savor.I’m wondering if you have any recommendations for further research and reading (maybe search terms) on the above topic, interested how this affects later in life and over coming the fall back from this kind of emotion withholding, neglect ..not sure what to call it. Thanks so much for all that you do.
Rachel there are many great books on this topic – The Untethered Soul, When Things Fall Apart, Co-Dependent No More, A Return to Love….gosh there are so many, other helpful ones. Often what happens when a child grows up with abuse and neglect? They grow into co-dependents or abusers themselves. For me I learned that if I wanted love then I had to behave a certain way. I had to make my mother feel good – if I didn’t behave the way she wanted then she would withhold love. When this happens you grow into a co-dependent adult. You get really good at pretending. You learn to suppress your own emotions and needs. You become excellent at rescuing people, keeping the peace, minimizing, avoiding…. you become excellent at picking up social cues that others don’t, I’ll explain this more in next weeks blog.
Excellent article, thank you so much for your articles on NPD. They have helped me dramatically in finally realizing what I been dealing with for 5 years. I read them over and over and it helps so much!
Savannah,
Just when I felt like truly there was something seriously wrong with me, I found this site. I was in denial for five years about what was wrong with my ex. I knew he was Emotionally Unavailable, and thought I would be the one to change that. I ended it 10 months ago but am still having a major tough time getting past it and over him. I kept crying and wondering why this horrible person has such a profound effect on me and why I can’t get him out of my head, then I found this site and realized I’ve been involved with a textbook narcissist.
What makes it more difficult is we live in the same neighborhood. When we broke up 10 months ago, because I realized he started seeing an ex GF. I wouldn’t have anything to do with him… Since then, he’s tried to get back with me for the first few months, but I shut him down. Since then, every few weeks, he makes sure he runs into me, flirts with me, tries to hug me, blah, blah… It confuses me and starts this cycle of me expecting him to come back begging, but that doesn’t happen and I end up so screwed up all over again.
I see myself and him in all these articles, it’s been such a great relief for me to realize that I’m ok. These men are dangerous. I’m hoping now that I have all this new info, I can really begin to see him for the monster he really is. Now when he hovers, he’s the charming,funny guy I fell for. But now I know what would come next…
Thank you so much for this and every article you’ve posted. I can’t get enough of them. You’ve given me new hope that I can get over him.
For me, the concept of intent is why I’m having a hard time working past my anger about my ex N.
I’ve had disagreements and fall-outs with friends and a business partner in my life. One thing that helped me forgive them and move on is knowing, deep down that they did not intend to hurt me.
That’s what I cannot get past. I was sought out and pursued by my N, for the sole purpose of being his supply. He knowingly and intended to take me for everything I had. He knowingly and purposefully orchestrated comments, actions and scenarios just to hurt me and attack my self-esteem.
Clearly I am not ready to forgive him. I don’t know if I ever will be able to.
“I somehow came to the understanding that each one did the best they could, with the tools that they had. I then looked at all of the things that each one had taught me and I began to see that they were all necessary for my growth and development.” I’m almost there. My friend asked me this week at what point I would have changed it, and I said, “Soon after we met, when I sensed something was missing.” She replied, “Then you wouldn’t have your daughter.” Then I realized that I couldn’t quit until I did, and what happened was my life and it brought me the growth to where I am now. I also no longer feel anger toward my narcissist (except when I catch myself about to take a step toward co-dependency.) That anger is there for a reason, and I always listen to what it is telling me. But it is not codependent to say that I see him as an emotionally abused person from his childhood, hurting big time and not knowing how to deal with it. I empathzathize, but I’m not doing a thing about it but to realize that he hurts, too. It doesn’t mean that I change my behavior toward him; I cannot fix his pain from his childhood either. My life was 25 years of trying to fix his life for him; I couldn’t. Now I recognize that he was hurt and is hurting–and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, nor do I feel any urge to fix it for him. When I am at this point, I feel safe. When I am in danger is when I think that maybe I can help him in some way or make it better. It is the acceptance that is good, and forgiveness is right in there. The codependency is when we think that there is a damn thing we can do about it.
I can relate to the codependent struggles Kathy mentions. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and find it easy to slip into a codependent role with certain people (including my ex N). I’m currently reading Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More and trying to wrap my head around the idea of detachment and focusing on the moment. It doesn’t mean that we don’t care for others, but we no longer try to control or be responsible for their behavior.
I am also a huge fan of Marianne Williamson after just completing her book, “A Return to Love” last weekend. I’m 4 months into my painful discard by my exN and not quite ready for full acceptance and forgiveness yet. But I can see it from here! 🙂 Thank you for sharing your personal forgiveness ritual. I plan to hold my own special ceremony as soon as I feel ready for it.
Thank you Savannah again for a great article – very inspiring – I pray for the day I can get to that place. I know it will take time and I don’t want to keep that thorn in my body any longer I just wish I had the courage to pull it out.
Thank you again for your work.
Thanks for the article Savannah. I am in major emotional pain right now but your article gives me hope. Judy
I am struggling with this currently. From everything I have read, I know that I need to forgive, that the hatred I am holding in my heart is poisoning me. And yet…I can’t seem to shake it. Sometimes I think horrible things about them. Things I would never admit, things that I know I shouldn’t think and yet…I do. I can’t help it, it’s how I feel. It scares me that I could feel so much antipathy towards a human life and yet…
I know that forgiveness is the answer, and so I actively try to forgive but the reality is that it is very hard to find empathy or compassion for someone who blamed everything on me. Who took no responsibility whatsoever for their own failings. For someone who lied, manipulated and gaslighted (a word?) me. I try hard. I reach for empathy and compassion. I do my research, meditate on how broken they must have been to have done these things. And yet, why am I doing all of this work? For a person who used, abused and discarded me like I wasn’t even a human being?
HM you can’t really force forgiveness. It’s ok if you’re not ready. You will be, you’ll get there, but you’re not there yet and that’s all ok. Allow yourself to go through the process and feel what you are feeling. When you’re ready you’ll know and it will make sense and be a lot easier.
GREAT article!
I so get what you are saying and it is a process. Being able to let go is so freeing. I was sexually abused by my maternal grandfather, my mother who I told chose to ignore it and forbid me to tell anyone ,she said that it would be our secret. I kept my promise and never said a word to anyone. It set me up for a life time of miss trust. I have worn my pain as a full coat of body of armor and it led me to a very damaging relationship with a narcissist . Who else would I eventually seek out ??? someone who was incapable of emotionally connecting which worked for me. after nearly 20yrs of an emotionally abuse marriage I finally found the strength and resolve to end it. I have been working really hard to accept and forgive all that has happened to me. I know now that while I can’t change what happened to me I can move forward and live a more open and loving life by letting it go and forgiving those that have hurt me. The thorn analogy was a perfect way to explain it!
This writing is exactly what I need to hear, at just the right time. Trying to forgive is like walking in the dark–your heart wants to find a way but you can’t see, like you are blindfolded. How do you rip it out when you still miss the person that stabbed you in the back and abandoned you? Why does growth have to end in such loss? I know the Narcissist that I was with was abused and doesn’t understand himself. And yes, I’m grateful to be awakened. But why do I have to lose everything. How do you go on… when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? Acceptance is the hardest part, and I cannot help him, he has to help himself. And now I face trusting myself in the uncertainty of a new relationship if one ever shows up– I will go slowly down that road and respect new boundaries. I hope it will tear this missing him from my heart. Thank you for writing, it really helped me.
Katie I don’t think it’s possible to forgive someone when you are still living with day-to-day heartache. I don’t think it will work when you are still in that emotional state. When you are still hurting I think that is the time when you still need you anger to push you forward. Give it time and when the pain subsides and you get to the point that you don’t wish it had been any other way – then you are ready.
Remember – The most important lessons are usually the most painful.
Thank you Savannah, your blog is a big help, my narcissist left me a month ago and your post are very helpfull. Thank you for doing what you do!