“Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” – Carl Jung
Why do we keep going around and around on the same relationship merry-go-round, when we already know what’s coming and we have every reason to get off? Many people are stuck in relationships they know they shouldn’t be in, relationships with dysfunctional, emotional manipulators, that drain them of their energy, tap their resources and leave them feeling used and abused.
The most common reaction by well-meaning friends and family is, “Why don’t you just leave?” It’s a valid, though simplistic question. Many of my clients struggle with letting go and getting out. They’ve invested so much, their identity has become so enmeshed in the relationship, that they don’t know who they would be outside of it. They fear that their abusers are right – that it is all their fault, but mostly they struggle with the idea that their abusers will find someone else and live happily ever after, while they remain devastated.
The reasons people stay are diverse. Some can’t see a way out and others feel helpless to resist their Inner most desires – even though they know the relationship is killing them. The bottom line remains, that in order to reclaim your life and to heal yourself, you must get out and stay out. Here are the most common reasons people stay in toxic relationships and some assessments on how to combat those issues.
Why Codependents Can’t Let Go
Codependents Are Very Adaptable: At a very young age a codependent learned that they could not escape their circumstances, so they got very good at adapting to toxic environments and finding ways to survive. Where a healthy person recognizes an unhealthy relationship, can acknowledge they aren’t happy, that it isn’t adding value to their life and they leave. The idea of leaving, or even that they can leave, doesn’t dawn on a Codependent, because they’ve been conditioned to adapt to toxic environments.
*Know that you have options. You don’t have to stay – you can walk out the door at any time. Create and enforce boundaries and when your line has been crossed – act. Don’t shrug it off, don’t minimize it or deny it. Know that you don’t have to put up with poor treatment. Keep repeating the mantra, “I deserve better than this.” Get in the habit of making sure that there are consequences for bad behavior.
They Mistake Intensity for Intimacy: So many people get caught in the belief that these high anxiety feelings are love. These feelings happen after a discard, when the target is in emotional turmoil. The emotional abuser comes back. The target is so relieved that they are wanted again, they experience high-intensity feelings, butterflies and elation, equivalent to a drug high. These feelings are so extreme that they are mistaken for a type of fairy tale love. These emotions are so intense that the one experiencing them is left thinking that they can never love anyone else like this. Trying to get a Codependent to walk away from these types of relationships is equivalent to asking a heroin addict to just walk away from their drug.
*You have to go no contact with these types of relationships, just like an alcoholic must refrain from using alcohol. You’ve got to go cold turkey and educate yourself on what real love looks like. Know that true intimacy has the components of trust, compassion, reciprocity, love, kindness, respect. If these don’t exist in your relationship or you get mixed signals, sometimes yes, sometimes no – it’s dysfunction and you need to end it. Raise the bar on how you expect to be treated – have standards that are non-negotiable. While real love doesn’t give off the same chemical reactions in the brain, it has more important elements such as dependability, the forming of a real bond, intimacy and safety.
Codependents Need to Fix and Caretake: Codependents maintain what little control they think they have through what they can do or give to their partners. They want to become so invaluable that their partners dare not get rid of them. They seek out partners with issues because they are accustomed to this type of relationship dynamic.
As well, they have been conditioned to put the needs of others ahead of their own so they need to have someone else to focus on. They feel uncomfortable in the spotlight (because it’s not their normal) and are much more comfortable figuring out everyone else’s problems. They derive their self-esteem through what they can give or do and try to control their partners and relationships through caretaking.
Codependents are so other-person focused that the very idea of leaving a toxic relationship would leave them extremely anxious. They hate the concept of having to look inwards and that’s what being alone means to them. I have had many, many clients break down in tears because they were so terrified at the prospect of having to ‘fix’ themselves. They had no idea who they were, what their interests were and what brought them joy. Having to focus on their issues was extremely anxiety provoking. Having anyone else to focus on, even an abuser, was less taxing to their nervous system.
*Autonomy, autonomy, autonomy. The biggest part of recovery comes from learning how to take care of your own needs, allowing others to take care of theirs and knowing the difference between the two. It’s about retaining your own individuality in relationships and not losing yourself in the issues of others. Spend time getting to know you. Get comfortable practicing self-care and allowing others to experience the consequences of their own actions. When you’re ok being alone – you make better relationship choices. Reconnect to your emotions. Learn that if someone is broken, that it’s not your job to fix them, in fact if you meet someone who has issues, understand that this is not where you should be investing your emotional currency. You’re not a contractor – you’re not looking for a fixer-upper. You want a move-in ready mate.
They Believe That Leaving Will Be Harder Than Staying: People usually only change their circumstances when staying where they are has become more painful than leaving. If you have the perception that exercising and eating healthy is more painful than being overweight, you are not going to change your habits. Likewise, if you have the perception that being single, paying your own bills, taking care of yourself, is more painful than staying in a toxic relationship – you’re going to stay.
*Give yourself a kick in your complacency. Anything is hard, until it’s not. If finances are a problem – make a plan and start working towards it. If fear is what’s holding you back – move closer to your fear and get comfortable with it – get used to the idea of change. Visualize being free of it and the life you want. Embrace the challenge and start looking forward to a better life.
They Don’t Live In Reality: Some people are serious daydreamers. I mean that they live inside of their heads. Pretending that things are different in your mind is a coping mechanism used by many Codependents who grew up in homes where they needed some type of escape and the only place they could go was inside their mind. As children we’re helpless, we often don’t have a choice, but this type of coping mechanism isn’t appropriate in adulthood. Some Codependents create a fantasy world where their abuser is their prince or princess charming. They elevate them and put them on a pedestal, denying reality and only seeing what they wish to see.
*One of the reasons abusers like to isolate their victims is because they don’t want anyone from their support system to talk any sense to them and force them to see the truth. Abusers like you confused and doubting your senses. If you find yourself living in a fog, talk to people you trust, talk to a therapist and hear what they have to say.
Trauma Bonds: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase, “But we have such a deep connection…” When you experience trauma with another person, that trauma deepens the connection. Even if the person you’re forging the connection with is the cause of the trauma.
*Understand that this bond was forged through suffering – your suffering. It isn’t a healthy authentic connection. It’s based on control, pain and abuse. It’s crucial that you understand that your abuser is not feeling the same type of bond that you are and you can’t have a deep, meaningful connection with someone, when you are the only one connecting – regardless of what they may say. This is a situation that you will have to battle your way through.
Trauma bonds are real and they are difficult to sever. You have got to cognitively come to terms with the fact that you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone that keeps harming you. Keep challenging your thoughts and feelings. Know that this is harmful to your well-being and that it cannot continue. With this type of relationship, once you recognize you’re in a trauma bond, you must go no contact immediately. You can control your behavior and going no contact is the only way. If you stay involved, the trauma bond is still at play and still controlling your behavior. Get yourself away from the situation and start working on you.
They Believe No One Else Will Want Them: This is a very real fear for a lot of Codependents. Because they believe they are so flawed, so unlovable and so…not perfect, their confidence and self-esteem are so low that it’s ingrained in them that they aren’t good enough and aren’t worthy of love. They derive some self-esteem through the fact that someone wants them, even if that someone is emotionally abusive. They fear being alone, while still being able to acknowledge the fact that they actually are alone in their relationship.
*Being alone is a million times better than being in an abusive relationship. Spend the time alone that you need to get healthy and focus on yourself. Start practicing self-care, make you the best you possible and start treating yourself with the love, compassion and respect you want others to treat you with. Learn to like being by yourself and how to like your own company and how nice the feelings of stability, calmness and safety feel. Get used to those feelings and stop yourself from ever entering into anything that doesn’t make you feel good. Feeling unworthy of love is a deep seeded belief and you will have to challenge the way you perceive you.
All of these reasons make ending an abusive relationship very difficult, but just because something is difficult doesn’t mean you don’t do it. You have to decide that staying where you are is more uncomfortable than making the change. You have to find your reasons and make them your top priority. Get help, because this is going to be the battle of your life. Know that life is so much better on the other side of an abusive relationship and know that you are worth it. You deserve happiness and to be treated as a person of value, but it all starts with you. When you see you differently – your world will change. I promise.
Your Comments!!!!!!
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Thank you Savannah. Just the answers I’ve been searching for so long. So inspiring to be shown the next step the way to break free of co dependency traits although it took a while to believe I actually was. I thought I was quite confident and loving of myself (on the surface) subconciously my inner core not so much. Ive learnt from long term ex narcissist partner and other toxic people that we teach others how to treat us by what we will/wont allow and sticking to our boundaries that serve to keep us at inner peace and the relationship I have with myself sets the tone for the relationship with others so its important to focus on oneself more and less of trying to fix others who need to experience their own consequences for them to be a better person hopefully. I feel ive unmasked another level to my self care journey from this post .
Best wishes Tygerxx
Thank you for this article Savannah!
I’ve recently gotten out of a 8 year long, abusive relationship with a female Narc.
I went No Contact after walking out on her during a Narc Rage episode.
Blatantly obvious that it was her who iniatied the arguement, built up the drama and unloaded – I simply walked out, leaving the flaming bag of sh*te in her hands. Really impossible to twist it back at me when I’ve walked out without saying a word.
Each time before that, I’d engage and argue back – trying to prove a long-suffering point that her passive-aggressive, manipulative and abusive behavior was the reason for the arguement/fight in the first place. Very consistent with the lies, betrayls & deceit… pathological to say the least..
The last time – 2 months ago, I walked away – leaving whatever I had there, behind with her. I can replace anything that is material, but I realized I cannot replace my dignity or self-worth once they are gone completely.
Violent Narcs do horrible things to their partners and play the do-gooding charmer for their external supply (co-workers/’friends’/new material new supply holders).
My violent Narc, broke my nose, ripped clothes off of my body. The abuse continued for YEARS. Broke my things, broke my fingers, ripped my rotator cuff in my shoulder, and many other traumas.
This ugliness kept us together, not GENUINE intimacy or love.
This Narc has tried to contact me by text on 4 separate occasions. I have not responded to any of them but will keep them to give to the police if I need to.
I”ve gone NO CONTACT and couldn’t be in a better frame of mind. I’m moving to a new apartment this weekend and am changing my phone number after I’ve moved. This should eliminate the possibility of her showing up or contacting me.
I’m happy to finally have found the power to ‘discard’ my vicious Narc before she blew up my life one more time. Usually this was done so she could go be with her secret new supply.
Healing every minute <3
Bless you all!
After a few wonderful weeks of lovebombing and soul-mating during the Idealization phase, I became infatuated with a married coworker. A textbook Narcissist, she alternated between furtive admissions of love and bold denial of any romantic feelings toward me. She is/was almost irresistibly attractive, which is the result of many cosmetic investments (breast augmentation, lip injections, botox, skin peels, etc.). The pattern of intermittent reinforcement continued over the next year, but the positive expressions became less frequent and smaller in magnitude, while the negative expressions became more sudden and callous. I craved validation from her to the point of addiction and obsessed about her in my thoughts. Her excuse for not being more (consistently) expressive was always her married status, but I’ve come to believe it was a basic fear of intimacy driving her to maintain the emotional distance. I know our emotional affair was completely inappropriate, but what ultimately made me go No Contact from her was that I couldn’t attach any meaning to anything she said regarding our relationship. She could never stick to a story. She wanted my adoration (and so would provide those occasional reassurances), but she hated any expectation of reciprocity. When we spent time together and the attraction became palpable, an almost claustrophobic anxiety would well up inside her and she’d reject me – yet again. The rejections were painful (intended to be so), and through learning about Narcissism, I realized the state of rejection WAS the fact of our relationship, and the occasional reassurances were the fiction. Now No Contact from her for over 6 weeks, and although I miss her, I’m not tempted in any way to break from this strategy of sanity and survival. She complained constantly about her broken, alcoholic husband who’s lost his initiative and self-esteem. I can only assume that he’s a tortured codependent and celebrate the fact that it’s not me.
wow, this article hit me hard..I recognize everything.. I did research on narcissism, and 15 months ago after 10 years of marriage and one child, I forced him to leave our house. I am so proud of myself
He doesnt care about our child, never asks, doesnt want to pay or anything he doesnt find important. Treats me like …
The worst thing is, I start to doubt my decision. IN the first 10 months I was exhasuted, just slept, changed the house, enjoyed life, was glowing again. Now, I start feeling jealous of the new women he is seeing . feeling old ugly and alone, nobody will ever want me blablabla and what was wrong with our situation anyway…all those thoughts. When he text me i still love you too, or I miss you, I feel myself falling for him again. Its almost like a drug. Do I have such a low selfesteem that i’d rather be in an abusive relationship that feels unsafe to me and our daughter..?!? I am so ashamed of myself..
I dont feel so confident anymore about my decission. I am afraid to stay alone my whole life.
“They fear that their abusers are right – that it is all their fault, but mostly they struggle with the idea that their abusers will find someone else and live happily ever after, while they remain devastated.”
Yup. That’s it and it’s sad. I know better and yet I stay like a fool.
I’m trying to work out why, after well over a year of no contact with a positively happy and fulfilling life, the N and new woman suddenly reappeared in my dreams. I never dream about my longer ago ex-partner although that, for all that it was an unsatisfactory relationship, had much more reality about it,
I’ve been having these dreams for about a week along with one about a tiny (and I mean three inches) baby which I have been given to look after but which has died. That one I’m very glad to wake up from. The N ones are a nuisance.
In the last dream, I encountered them in a place of my childhood. I was well aware that I wanted nothing to do with either, even in the dream, but it had echoes of co-dependency, starting to offer to help them out whilst all the time knowing that I didn’t want or need to do that.
I don’t think about either of them in reality and I’d like them right out of my subconscious. Don’t want or need either them living there rent free.
Hey Savannah,
I realize I’m a codependent. My father worked alot. My mother was a housewife and worked part-time. I never knew my father growing up but realized he was very moody. He worked 80 hours a week, good provider as a GM and sales. I was a year behind in school as far as age and I’m pretty sure I suffered from ADHD. I lived in my mind and spent time by myself in my room reading, writing, video games, listening to music and drawing. I was the middle child and always felt a competition to be the center of attention. My father didn’t know how to deal with my energy and though I admit I tested boundaries with being mouthy because negative attention was still attention. My Dad would spank, yard sticks and belts and back hands. Sometimes I would cry and he would chastise me and say men don’t cry than retract later and say it takes a real man to cry. We moved when I was in the sixth grade and I had a girl cousin who helped me make friends. I was a year behind as stated and also one of the smallest kids in my grade, prone to bullying and sometimes I tried too hard to make friends. My dad would also give me grief as to why i didn’t have as many friends. My mother in my eyes was one of the most caring loveable women on this planet. My only concern was when my father would get overly physical she wouldn’t say anything. Sometimes but my father would put her in her place. My dad was a substance abuser who came from a good family. My mother came from an alcoholic family though she was a social drinker. I realize I’m a borderline personality but also have traits of an empath. My first real girlfriend of a year was in high school. She broke my heart but I got over it when I went to college. Lived in the city and went to school and worked and stayed for seven years til I got into debt and moved back home. My aunt had died from an overdose and my parents had divorced after 27 years. My dad had an affair and I secretly hated him for it. I forgave him and this was the first time where I actually bonded with my dad. He was more laid back and mellow and I knew he regretted the affair. My parents are since remarried. My dad isn’t happy. My mother seems to be. I myself had met a woman through work. We were together for 8 years married for 6. She was controlling and not as affectionate after the honeymoon period. She had two kids prior from a sperm donor. She was never married to him. He signed his rights away when the second born was four months old. My ex wife would give the silent treatment for days on end. To which I eventually would cave and get her to open up. Sex was always initiated by me. And throughout became more sexless as the marriage went on. She didn’t respect me because I allowed myself to be a doormat. The last year of our marriage we slept in separate rooms. The silent treatment became a norm and basically fought fire with fire. I gave it right back. We had a son who was three at the time and that was the only thing keeping us together. Finally we mutually decided a separation was inevitable and I was ready to divorce. After reading this I would like to explain my further relationships and get to the bottom of my last failed relationship because I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Can you recommend a good self love book? I love your posts they have helped me immensely.
Thank you!
See the tab entitled Savannah’s suggested reading
Thank you all for your inspiration to me at a very difficult time, leaving a 32 year relationship with a covert narcissist. The article and advice is so true but I have come through the trauma bond (and there has been a lot of trauma from inside and out) while still staying in the relationship. I am now leaving, not quite there yet, but absolutely certain I am ready and your comments have just made me more determined. I can’t wait, life is too painful as it is (the oblivion, the vacuum, the living death).
Yes, you need to be strong and brave, and getting there takes each person their own amount of time and their own path, but you will know when you are ready, when the fear of staying is much greater than the fear of leaving.
Thank you for your inspiration and strength. It is needed and gratefully accepted.
Angelindistress, if you think you’re ready and kind of know what to expect upon leaving a covert narcissist, please be ready for not comprehending, not understanding and not falling into doubting your own sanity. You will be totally discarded, without a closure and without a cinch of any respect and any common sense. You will be wishing that you would be separating or divorcing someone else as he will make it unbearable. Just do it and get the hell out of it as soon as possible. A quick, clean cut with a sharpest tool possible is the best way to leave these people (I don’t mean a physical cut :). I spent too much time rationalizing, and too much time hoping that maybe, just maybe there is a human side to my ex covert narc. I can’t believe that till the very last moment I had hopes that we can part like some other people do, in a friendly and respectful way. Afterwards, I also didn’t want to believe that it was really true that he discarded me like an old dish rug. It was darn hard to admit that after almost 20 years of sharing life and believing we were a great. loving family, there was no love, just sex, money, chores etc. for the sake of showing off to the outside world how great family man he was. Although, I kind of felt that there might’ve had been another woman before we parted, I still was shocked when I learned that indeed there was. Till this day, (over a year past the divorce) I occasionally have to remind myself that it was what it was and that he never, ever loved me, neither he never, ever loved his child as these guys have that part of their emotional brain non-existent or damaged. In a way, it’s not even their fault because they are handicapped and just like you can’t expect from an autistic child to behave like other children do, you can’t expect love and respect from a narc that has empathy chip damaged. You will feel great eventually!!! You can do it!!! Many of us did!!! Just brace for the impact! You will be happy again!!!
This site was my only support when I was isolated by my ex narc. It became my eye opener and all the testimonies of every comment here. Fast forward, it’s been a year after my life went downhill due to infidelities, emotional, verbal and physical abuse of the father of my child. Just gave birth when his abuses escalated that I got a criminal record on his name and an active Restraining Order. After a year, the pain stopped and I changed my life 4 months ago. I’ve removed him from me and daughter’s life. We live very far away from him. I have full custody of our daughter and I’ve felt so much solitude. I get to sleep so sound and I found myself once again. Some days are hard but I’ve maintained No Contact, No Response.
Thank you Savannah!
I had no idea how I would sooo it, I knew my sanity depended on it. I was seeing a therapist after couples counseling didn’t work, obviously. Narc of over 20 years was actually told during our first couples appointment he needed additional therapy, when he didn’t, I did!
The most profound thing I was asked was, “what advice would you give to your child if they just told you all of this?” Wow, huge eye opener!!!
No contact was the only way!!! I found me again. Over 3 years of sanity, totally worth it!!!
Btw, things fall into place when you do what is right for yourself.
If you are still struggling, take that leap of faith, your future self will thank you.
I am almost 70 . Within weeks of separating from the narc , he was involved with a twice divorced woman who has children who refuse to speak to her and a grandchild she has never seen …after our 43 yr marriage , he immediately jumped into that, and more or less discarded our children and grandchildren along with me . Everything you said I can relate to – when I realized that I was already alone in the marriage , I stopped being afraid to actually be alone and on my own ….I went thru every step of grief , backwards and forwards.., but very soon I noticed my body was showing me I had made the right decision even though my brain said otherwise. I stopped emotional eating, I got fit , I looked younger and more vibrant because the daily stress and negativity was gone , I started to consider my preferences, I re-did my bedroom and got his toxic energy out; I got braces and straightened my teeth, I got in good enough shape so that 3 yrs after he left I walked across England! I encourage every co-dependent to do a big physical challenge of some sort – it does wonders for the self esteem and gets you out of your own head . Now it ihas been five years and I have reached “Happy”…I know that I create my life and my circumstances and I am 100% responsible for whatever shows up in my life . It is such a wonderful thing to no longer be a victim . I walk away from any situation where I don’t feel good . It was /is a long road to recovery from narc abuse but we all are worth it .
You are so right when you say it is a battle , and the only way is to go through it , not avoid it . You come out the other side healthier , stronger, kinder, happier. I did the hard work and now I will not ever give up my sanity , peacefulness, and happiness . Lifr is not perfect but it is damn close …all because I loved myself enough to finally take care of me . I can tell you that I wouldn’t trade this journey for anything …and I urge you all not to wait as long as I did !
I loved reading about how you turned your life around after enduring a very toxic relationship. I started running as well but I currently have a 2-yr old daughter so can’t run for long KM but definitely I’m getting fit by taking care of her and playing with her. 🙂 I used to think I wasted my 6 years for him. Thank you for sharing your resilience and courage. This made my day! Cheers to all the strong women here! 🙂
I love this and you’re right. Getting out of such a relationship has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Working on ME has really helped. Thank you for all that you do!
Hurtin’ Cowboy said it: great distilled wisdom. I relived so much as I read it. Leaving my Narc 3 years ago. All the struggles to achieve stasis in a new job, new life, new town. Most especially your first point about realizing as a child that you cannot leave. I had to read that a few times just to soak it in. I am going through grief therapy after my father’s death and because he was a narcissist who physically and sexually abused me, my emotions have been a confusing mix of anger, elation and grief. That paragraph validated for me the WHY of my choices as an adult: I sought to recreate the chaos and danger of my childhood by picking harmful men. What you wrote helped me forgive myself a bit more. We seek to do what we do best and for me that was to survive — never thrive –the cruelty and lies.
I am extremely proud of something I did last weekend: I followed a gut feeling even though I didn’t quite understand it. I’d been dating for a month and couldn’t pinpoint why something felt off but it just did. Finally, my gut feeling got so strong I had a talk with my new love interest and told him I felt “consumed not encountered.” He moved so quickly to make me into a “we” that I felt I had to end things. Today I can see that he is very co-dependent and that I am just strong enough to realize it early. He reminds me of me: trying to bind with caretaking, being needed, always doing “together” so as not to be alone with that scariest of people, yourself. I told him he needs to learn who he is and that I only want someone who is a whole person, not a half person looking to be made whole. It was a very loving conversation and I woke up feeling greatly relieved the next day. Used to be I would have “kept” him just because he wasn’t mean! But now I truly know that being alone is better than being with a dysfunctional relationship. And this was getting smothering and claustrophobic. I am a bit sad but also quite amazed that I have come so far!
Your blog has helped me more than you will ever know. Thank you so much for your words. I changed my number and decided to start new and meet people who actually care about me. It was hard at first but I kept thinking to myself “What you allow will continue”. I get lonely at times but I know I did what was best for me.
Wow, that’s great..and brave!I hope your journey continues to be a happy one.
Great post Savannah! I went no contact 7 weeks ago, have navigated the stalking phase and am nearly 3 weeks into the calm post-Narc life! Just waiting to see if the police will charge my ex Narc over the stalking, and I’m still battling to control my thoughts, which is why it was so useful to be reminded that they aren’t attached to us in the same way- they aren’t trauma bonded to us. I now mediate daily, and am following your guidance on releasing my grief energy, so hoping to be out the other side of this soon. Keep up the good work!
Yes, this is so true! Leaving is a heck of an achievement for me. I still sometimes can’t believe I did it and by I, I mean “ME”, “MYSELF”. It was all me who said “I want the divorce”. It was me who seeing how it went, decided to hire a lawyer. I didn’t know how cruel narcissists are in the process of discarding and I didn’t know how frail I was; without a lawyer he would not only rip me off like there is no tomorrow but also I might’ve just quit fighting. It was not a picnic by all means. I had to apologize to my lawyer at the end that I did lose my cool a few times and was mean to her but according to her, she had seen worse. Emotions and stress runs high in any divorce but there is nothing like divorcing a Narc.
I have to admit that at some point I was so exhausted that if he softened and showed a bit of remorse and a bit of reasonable intent to fix our marriage, I would’ve quit the divorce procedure just to end the nightmare and go back to… familiar. At that time I didn’t know that his attention was not on the falling marriage but on securing his new supply, and I did believe that he was genuinely hurting like I was. Now, I laugh at that!
But I did it! I put myself in dire financial situation: I was emotionally and mentally wrecked but… I survived it all. A year and a bit later, I am doing great most of the time with occasional flash back of old feelings. I don’t have a lot of money, I haven’t traveled anywhere for three summers; I spent my holidays at home renovating MY house and doing what I love to do. I regained control of my finances and I have never ever been so calm inside. Not many things tick me off. I didn’t know I can be so laid back and relaxed. Sometimes, I purposely rebel against some old habits, not necessarily bad habits. Like, for example, I won’t go to church on Sunday, because I want to have some leisure time on weekend and don’t want to loose 2 hours of my time, don’t want to chit chat with my friends, etc. I love to tell myself: “I don’t have to do anything, unless I want to!”
Yes, it’s bloody difficult but it is SOOOO worthy to be the queen of your own life!
Powerful post, full of distilled wisdom. Today I really responded when you talked about the fear of leaving, fear that the abuser will find someone and we will be left alone. That was an overwhelming problem for me; it tied me to my abusive xNarcissist for too long. I did a lot of work on myself and read everything I could about Ns and my anxious codependent relationship style. I got out and have stayed out for three years, and it was crucial for me — my life depended on it. I’ve had an echo of those old feelings lately however, after hearing that my xN is now engaged. I feel truly sorry for this poor guy engaged to her, she will no doubt be flirting and intriguing at her own wedding reception and that’s just the start of the living hell he is walking into. But hearing about the engagement woke up the old feelings of abandonment and anxiety. Fortunately I have an excellent support system, real love in my life, and the wisdom of Esteemology to see me through. So I will be fine and continue to thrive.
Hurtin’ Cowboy
I remember the day my xN called my mother 10 years ago to tell her how he was now divorced and could he please speak to me. She told him she was sorry to hear of his divorce {hardly, my mother is a narc,} But she did tell him that I had remarried the week before and she’d tell me when I got home. Three weeks pass, he called her again to tell me how he’d found the woman of his dreams. They were married as soon as the ink dried on her divorce papers that he had paid for, I hear they are happily making each other miserable.Better each other than me.
As for my mother….
She through a two year old temper tantrum in a mall parking lot in the last month to get her way. It did not work, I got in the car started the engine, and drove away.Elderly narcissist are a whole different piece of writing.
Even now, 25 years later, I have to remind myself that the connection was a trauma bond.
Oh girls, if he isn’t treating you right get out! Regarless of your age , length of the relationship, children, finances etc, GET OUT! I’m 70, my friends Mum was 84….. we are now living the life of our dreams. With the help of education like Esteemolgy, i have moved from a very frightened and sad woman, to being full confidence and love. You’re so right SAVANAHHA it has to be COLD TURKEY!!! there is no other way… thank you for your help.