The post-date analysis was one of my favorite pastimes. It was a special time, when my girlfriends and I would get together, usually over a meal, or coffee and we’d laugh about what colossal dating faux pas Savannah made this time. Throughout my various stages of emotional health, I have blundered my way through oodles of men, chalking up one epic dating failure after another, enough to supply RomCom writers with copious amounts of material for decades.
Through it all I have laughed, I have cried, but most importantly I learned. I’ve learned how to discern what certain behaviors and patterns mean, what to watch out for, when to proceed and when to climb out the bathroom window. I know many of you are absolutely terrified at the prospect of dating and you’ve asked for a few tips, so I’ve compiled a few of my many hard learned lessons, to hopefully prepare you better and alleviate some of your anxiety. My first suggestion though, is to grab a pen and paper and write down exactly what you’re looking for in a partner. When you’ve got it out there – it means you’ve given it some thought, it’s in your conscious mind and you are more apt to notice it when it comes waltzing past you. So, without further ado:
Beware the quiet, angry, brooding, smart guy: This used to be my type to the letter and not surprisingly, every encounter with one, was an epic disaster. These types have problems. They’re angry and brooding for a reason. They have unresolved trauma that they haven’t dealt with and in every relationship they have, these unresolved issues will always be at the forefront of every single thing they say and do. They are extremely irresistible to nurturers, those individuals who like to take care of and fix other people. There’s nothing here for you, so if you run into one of them – that’s a sneak out the bathroom window kinda date.
Beware the addict: Drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, gambling, if you discover your date has any type of compulsive behavior, that they can’t control – it’s time to hit the pavement in a big, big way, before you’ve made any emotional investment. The red flags are smacking you in the face here – see them and skedaddle. I don’t care how cute, sexy, or funny they are, there is nothing here, but problems – stop it before it begins.
Beware the jobless, homeless guy: If at some point over dessert, your date informs you that they are couch surfing, living in their buddies basement, or that they don’t have a job at the moment, I’d be doing my best road runner interpretation and heading for the highway. I’m not talking about teenagers, or those freshly out of college I’m talking about grown-ass adults that are still trying to find themselves. Right out of the gate, they are showing you that they have honed their manipulation skills. Because adults that don’t have jobs have to rely on the charity of somebody – make sure that somebody isn’t you. And no they don’t get points for being honest about it.
Beware of Mr Charming: Is he Prince Charming or Prince Harming? Being charming is a good quality, but there’s a difference between charm that comes from a healthy sense of confidence and fake charm that stems from a need to con and manipulate. How do you tell fake charm from real charm? Fake Charmers:
- They use the Pedestal Effect – this is where they love bomb and over compliment you. Who doesn’t like it when people pay them compliments, right? It feels good when someone is acknowledging your good points. Keep in mind that when you are just getting to know someone – they don’t know your good points. They don’t know you, so I’d take all this flattery with a grain of salt and a pinch of ‘they may have an agenda.’ Remember the higher they build you up, the harder the fall will be – these highs and lows are what creates the toxic type of intensity relationships rather than intimacy relationships.
- They’re really touchy-feely – Touching people is good – right? Again if you’re having your first, or second date with a person and they are overly aggressive with the touching – flags are happening people. This is about implied intimacy. This is a tactic manipulators use to get closer, to make you feel like there is an intimacy between you. You don’t know this person and they are touching you like you’ve been lovers for months – no. There’s a flag on the play.
- Watch out for people who try to share too much, too soon. This is how manipulators create trust in their victims. If I share something very personal with you, I’m showing you that I trust you. It will also encourage you to share personal things about yourself with me – thus developing a trust bond between us. It gives the illusion of closeness and intimacy – this is why so many people walk away from these kinds of encounters thinking, wow we really have a connection. No you don’t – you don’t know this person, be aware that any secrets or vulnerabilities that you’ve shared, could be used later on, as buttons to push, when they want to manipulate you. Dating is about getting to know another person, and sharing things is a big part of that, but understand the difference between: My favorite color is blue (good-getting-to-know-you sharing) and my mother used to beat me and my siblings (not so good sharing) There are things that eventually you may want to tell your significant other, but it definitely shouldn’t be in the early stages.
Beware of those that trash talk their ex: These are individuals that have a sob story about their past relationships and blame everything on their former partners. Everything, all of the problems and the break up was entirely someone else’s fault. They were just hapless victims. I remember a date I had with a guy whose face, actually twisted into this mean hideous mass, as he spoke about his ex-wife. I still have a mark from where that flag hit me. I also dated a guy who had nothing nice to say about his sister. ‘I guess they don’t get along I thought,’ until I noticed that he had nothing nice to say about any female. Male Narcissists are misogynists, so pay attention to what your date says to and about the females in their lives.
Beware the future faker: These are the ones that move way too fast – You’ve only just met and already your date is talking about your future together, wanting you to meet their family, how much you would get along with his mother, talking about how much you have in common, making plans for tomorrow- next week-next month-next year. They talk about things they want to show you – like where they want to get married (happened to me) and crazy nonsense like that. While you want someone to like you, and you really do want a second date, this is way over the top. You’re a perfect stranger to this person and the fact that they are planning the wedding on the first couple of dates, screams of desperation and future faking – it’s a massive red flag.
Beware of guy with the harem: If your date has way too many friends of the opposite sex, that’s a flag people. We’ve discussed this in previous blogs, but it’s worthy of repeating. If your date likes to recycle his exes and hates to throw away a good piece of supply, you may have caught yourself a Narcissist – at the very least an intimacy dodger. This isn’t something you should ignore because chances are if you do – your relationship will be tossed in the recycle bin faster than a one legged man at a butt kicking contest.
Beware of the future excuse maker: Have you ever dated someone that seemed to be giving you an excuse early on, which would guarantee him/her a free pass down the road? A casual comment such as, “I have a lot of friends and we spend a lot of time together.” So, if three weeks into dating, you’re getting ignored and you haven’t heard from them in days, or weeks, this excuse gives them the perfect out, “Hey I told you, I spend a lot of time with my friends.” Thus making it your fault for feeling ignored and being treated poorly. “See I told you that and you were ok with it then.” I actually went on a blind date with someone, who I could tell right out of the gate wasn’t interested in me, he gave me the excuse that, he may or may not have to work early the next day, that his buddy would call him and let him know. We walked around the beach and I lived very close, so I showed him where I lived and when we went inside he started kissing me. He pressed me for sex, I declined and then he said he had to use the washroom. I could hear the sounds of his phone receiving several text messages and as soon as he got out of the bathroom his phone rang, and surprise, surprise, it was his buddy telling him he had to go to work early the next day, so he ought to get on home and get some sleep. As if…
Probably the most important thing to be aware of, is a simple phrase. This phrase is more commonly used among individuals bent on causing harm, than any other and it is:
You’re too good for me.
If someone says this to you, they aren’t being modest. They’re telling you the truth, so believe them, they know something you don’t. So take them at their word and vamos.
Sav’s Quick Do’s and Don’ts of Dating:
Do: Know what you’re boundaries are before you go out on a date. For instance if you’re looking for a relationship, it’s probably not a good idea to sleep with someone on the first date, or if someone seems overly aggressive physically, make sure you know where your line is and don’t be afraid to let someone know they have crossed it.
Don’t: Talk about your ex and how you were abused and survived through a lot of trauma. While it may be a great story, this is not good dating conversation. If some point down the road, when you’re serious about someone, you could mention it, but it’s not necessary and certainly not info you should be passing as you’re just getting to know someone.
Do: Give yourself permission to walk away if you feel uncomfortable, or feel threatened in any way. You don’t have to stick through a date when you’re really not enjoying yourself. If you want to be polite allow yourself to say something like, “I’m really not feeling well. I’m sorry, I think I’m going to call it a night.”
Don’t: Overly concern yourself with whether or not your date likes you. Instead put your focus on whether or not you like them and if they’re right for you. People pleasers want people to like them and will spend the entire date making sure that their dates are into them, without putting any thought into whether or not that person has qualities they like.
Do: Be honest and upfront about your interests and hobbies. Dating is the get to know you phase of a relationship, so it’s important to be yourself. If your date seems to be interested only and entirely in what you are interested in – that’s a red flag.
Don’t: Put yourself into a state of high anxiety. If dating is making you feel crazy, insecure and your emotions are all over the place, then don’t do it. Cancel – you’re not ready and that’s ok.
Do: Trust your instincts. If something in the pit of your stomach doesn’t feel right, trust that feeling and act on it.
And finally – You are not going to survive dating if you don’t develop a thick skin. Understand that rejection is a big part of dating. It isn’t personal and you can’t internalize it, or let it eat away at your self-esteem. You have to understand that 9 times out of 10, rejection isn’t even about you and someone’s reasons for not wanting a second, or a third date with you, don’t invalidate your worth as a person, or mean that you aren’t good enough in their eyes. All it means is that that person isn’t right for you. That’s it. Next!!!!
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I am so very nearly there with getting free from my Narcissist. After two years of hell, harassment and stalking, numerous Court protection orders, police protection, house moves, not to mention the emotional, physical and financial abuse, he’s now on a suspended prison sentence and about to be tried for three more offences against me which will hopefully see him in prison … and then I will hopefully get some proper relief and he may finally give up. Every single red flag was present in the early stages of my relationship with my narcissist. I look back and wince at my naivety and have to admit that, deep down in the pit of my stomach, I knew that something was wrong. I am proud to have fought my way out, and am now starting to press the ‘reset’ button and remember who I once was and who I want to be again. I believe that, although this was extreme, I will be a better and stronger person for having experienced it. My ego and empathic nature let him in, and I paid a very high price for learning some big lessons. Dating again still seems a little way off … but I still believe that the love of my life is still out there waiting for me – but he won’t be arriving on a white charger … he’ll be someone less impressive on the outside and far more impressive on the inside! Thank you for all your advice.
I dated an actor who has been on primetime tv, a local celebrity. He preyed upon me upon hearing I was a widow. I have been an acquaintance of his for 20 years and appeared in two of his indie films. He is also a director, producer. He lavished me and my kids with attention, trips, gifts, said I was the one, said he wanted to be the father of my kids, even went to a parent teacher conference. Of course, in my grieving state, I fell in love. After 2 months, he became cold, distant and withdrew. I kept chasing after him (I’m an empath), and he would again act like he cared when we were together and care less when apart. He finally said he needed space after 3 months. In a text! Then he got access to my instagram and saw a message to my friend about going on a date 3 wks post break up. He had the nerve to call me manipulative and said he thought I had better morals. I am glad to be rid of him but it still hurts.
Triggers. That’s my problem in attempting dates after 25 years of pure hell. I do talk too much about the Ex I now realize. It’s too fresh and I’m still having to deal with him on occasion due to grown kids and unresolved divorce issues, ugh, yuk, my lawyer stunk! Triggers. I am hypersensitive to anything remotely disguised as an insult, demeaning or a devaling comment. Don’t care if it was ” not meant that way”. I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t think I’ll ever be “ready” my trust level is .001 however, I don’t want to be alone…Forever. but I don’t want to be narc bait either. I’ve already shut 3 down and put out those fires, proud of myself, but I am now unsure if I’m overreacting or too hypersensitive. Advice?
I’m reading these comments and wondering what is the deal with narcs fancying themselves chefs? My XN did too. How bizarre.
this website is a God-send and I value the comments and advice… and will continue to re-read when I am feeling weak. I, too, have barely survived a 3 yr. relationship with a N..and as God is my witness, trying to break it off for two! I have also started to have some narcissist behaviors but he’s got me beat by a million. I agree that the red flags are present from the get go.. the shame I feel has almost destroyed me, almost. I am making adjustments in my life…but the key is, the truth is the truth…either about yourself or the N. if anything or anyone will test your greatest fears a N will..and if you take away the Love they profess for you and replace it with your honesty and minor criticism…hate and anger shows up. its quite a flip. I personally had to see it just to know that I wasn’t ready for the crazy bin. I am stronger and wiser than I know but I will be content with just trusting my gutt like I have all along and promise myself that I will never harm myself like I have with this Loser. Thank you all!
Savannah,
Thank you for the tips on dating post-narcissistic abuse. I have been out of my last relationship for eight months and last week went on my first date in over two years. We went on four dates. The last one was last night. We were at a club, it was approaching 2am, I was tired and asked him to drive me home. He told me he wanted to cuddle, indirectly implying his spend the night at my place. I said I would think about it and let him know in the car as he was driving me home.
After he began to drive, I told him we could cuddle but I would have to “kick you out” afterward as I was not ready to spend the night together. I quickly realized the words “kick you out” was harsh and rephrased it by saying, “I would have to ask you to leave.” He reacted to my telling him we could cuddle but then he would have to leave very strongly, telling me that was rude of me to ask him to leave at such an hour. He reminded me of how much he works (200 hours a month), his time is precious and him spending it with me was letting me know how important I was, and if it is late at night (it was 2am) and he wants to cuddle, it would be rude of me to insist he leave at such a time of the morning.
I felt a sinking feeling in my chest and gut during his response and felt like disappearing, crying, and giving into his wants. I felt the guilt coming on strong. He had wined and dined me the past three dates, emphasized how much money he makes, that I could use his second car, that we would make a good couple, how great sex would be with him, and so forth. Over the past eight months I have been strengthening my emotional health, reading this blog, talking with my therapist about my codependent tendencies, likely a result of having a narcissistic mother, and being single without fear of being alone. I have made good friends over the months of being out of my last abusive relationship and feel happier now than I have since I was a child.
Despite the guilt, the fear of being rejected if I said no, and the knowledge that I would have to sit with feelings of anxiety that go along with abandonment trauma if I refused his wants, I stayed true to me setting the boundary of us not spending the night together. He was upset, walked me to my door, gave me a kiss, and talked to my cat. I knew that this was the last date and was sad. Yet, after he drove away, I felt relieved. I was home in my cozy apartment to be with me, my cat, and looking forward to sleeping in my bed and waking up without anyone being in my sanctuary.
I am proud of myself today. There will be no more dates with this man. It is disappointing to have discovered that the I was dating a “Mr Charming,” but hey, I figured it out very quickly! While I have read this article many times over the past eight months, reading it again today was validating.
Maybe I am not ready to be in a relationship yet, or maybe the guy of my first dating was fast forwarding, causing me to doubt my intimate relationship capacity. Or maybe something else entirely. What I do know is there will be more dates with others to come if I choose to keep trying.
I am going to have this article on hand to remind me that I am getting healthy and part of that is being able to be true to my wants and needs and date despite the with the awareness that rejection is apart of dating. It isn’t a reflection of my self-worth, dating is a discovery phase, and boundary setting is healthy and normal in any relationship.
The part about ones who say “You’re too good for me”…. That gave me chills. The narc I know said that to all of his women (some of us discovered each other and compared notes). He also told some of us that we would eventually hate him, that he had no friends and was a very private person. All of this was to explain away why he seemed to be constantly hiding something and asked each girlfriend to hide the relationship! It didn’t make sense that a musician in the public eye would be so phobic about anyone knowing his personal life. Until we all discovered how many women he was dating at once. Last I heard he was living in a friend’s basement, interestingly enough… When he was found out he actually said he was trying to make all these lonely women feel better about themselves by dating them all at once and promising a future with them… Sheesh…
So true. Your article is so Accurate
My ex was quiet smart one with anger
He cheated on me and divorced and marred
His ex girl Friend right away after 16 years of
Marriage. Few month after the divorce
I met very charming smart man who opened
Up right away with his intimate problems
And constantly talked about his ex and touch
Acted as we knew for long time. We wine and
Dine and use charm to win my trust
Later I found out he has girl friend in Los Angeles
That he visits on weekend. When I found
Out about her He told me he broked up
By phone. Few month after. I was madly
In love with him. He broked up with me
And went back to his girl friend
After that. I stopped dating. It has been
One year. And realize I am happy with
Out any relationship.
anyone out there?
thanks for this list of red flags; i believe them pivotal in determining both who we are when dating and who we are dating. sameness and differences in my ex-narc situation:
1) i did not have a career job at the time of our dating, though i had a part-time, low paying/responsibility job.
2) this became area of contention in our relationship. ex-narc felt the burden of my “shiftlessness” would fall on him, though i did not ask his help my with bills.
3) i was unraveling a family situation/crisis, selling our family home (that was deeded to me) and encountering all obstacles imaginable in the process. this is the reason i could not see how to focus on manifesting a career job just then, though i did ask him for help/advice on how that might be possible; no help/advice was forthcoming, just a break-up in response.
my questions for anyone out there:
– if ex-narc valued successful career-women so much, why on earth did he work so hard to date me, profess his love for me daily, and then use my crisis against me and as the excuse to devalue and discard?
please help me with the one; it makes no sense to me and probably shouldn’t.
Sioux and those who are in Sioux’s position:
There is no logic in what a Narc tells you, so don’t be distracted by the cover story that doesn’t make sense and chase the bait by trying to analyze it.
Whenever I am told some kind of eyebrow-raising nonsense, I just explain it to myself like this: “Narc wants me to believe ____”. Or “I’m being expected to accept Narc at his word right now and not think for myself if it makes sense or works for me.”
Identifying the bigger theme, what logical fallacy is being used against you, what tactic or purpose his comment is hoped to achieve, etc. is a far better exercise than worrying about the minutiae and realtime details of what happened or was said.
The problem or situation should take one sentence to describe… anything more, and you are getting caught up in the Narc’s drama that they’re trying to create to gaslight, crazymake, or deflect attention by distracting you by something you will puzzle hours over to make sense of.
KISS!
I am not ready either and obviously still attracting Narcs – had a quiet first dinner with a man I thought was normal, simple ordinary kind of guy no red flags – after dinner I decided to deactivate my facebook account for a few days due to religious reasons. The next morning I woke up to raging crazy text messages from this I thought normal simple guy – he was so cruel and mean said horrible things to me thinking I un-friended him… needless to say I shut it down ASAP and asked him to never contact me again. So I know I have learned something and I am getting better… but I still just want to stop totally thinking I could casually date here and there.
I’m not ready and still feel hollow.
Thank you Savannah!! My mind wants to find excuses as but i knew this man already from Biodanza…. but there is this fine voice or knowing that you are right… sth in me is overjumping myself… wishful thinking, creating quickly intimity, “being really close” or “having the real click”…!! But doing this without knowing if the man has a real interest is overstepping my heart, because then i feal already emotional IN the game of wishing, dreaming, hoping…. bonding… but not knowing if he is worth it!!! So i will better take care of my prescious heart and be way slower!!! Thanks for your replies 🙂
Good article. Not quite ready yet, but someday. My exhusband is now trying to recycle me as I used to be good narcissistic supply, and I’ve just decided that I must cut the remainder of the contact. Dreams die hard, and the big dream that must be laid to rest was the dream that he could actually accept me for who I am and we could be emotionally intimate. He will never do that, and I have to quit looking for signs of it. It is DONE. He has to move on. Me, too.
Ladies and gents, there’s another hallmark sign of a narcissist to watch for: excessive bragging. Even more so if the person’s boastfulness is unwarranted and they don’t have the knowledge, experience or accolades to boast about the “skill” they claim to possess.
I’m sure there’s a stark difference between being plain arrogant and a narcissist, but that’s one huge red flag I ignored with my N.
He fancied himself a chef — without having any restaurant experience or general culinary knowledge. I never once saw him read a book, magazine or blog about cooking and food.
But instead of saying that he simply enjoyed cooking or mentioning a few dishes he likes to make when trying to get to know me, he instead bragged constantly about HOW GOOD of a cook he was — to me, our friends, even actual chefs that we met through my work. Anyone he met had to hear it.
One night, I met a chef who wrote his first cookbook. He signed my copy and I brought it home. My N looked through the book and started criticizing the recipes. By the way, this chef who wrote the cookbook was a finalist on the TV show “Top Chef” and is a local celebrity.
Over time, I discovered that my N actually did not know how to cook anything other than casseroles with canned cream of mushroom soup or mac and cheese with Velveeta, and that he didn’t have much of a palate. As we dined out, I saw that he was unfamiliar with ingredients and foods that any home chef or fan of the Food Network would consider basic today. He even bragged to me that all of his exes “loved” his cooking — clearly, they all must not have much of a palate, either, or they were too polite (like me) to say anything.
We went to a potluck and he made a tuna casserole and brought it, and praised it to all of our friends throughout the day, and he expected everyone to swoon over it. One friend found his behavior to be really off-putting, and said to me: “Dude, he made a TUNA CASSEROLE. It’s not molecular gastronomy or a Julia Child recipe.”
To be clear, my N was not simply the lost and deluded soul that you pity when watching reality TV shows. He bragged because he had no self-esteem and overcompensated when he met people, and even teared me and other people down, believing that he “knew better.”
He slowly started to criticize my cooking. He also did that to other people – in their homes and their own kitchens – at get togethers. He’d step in, try to micromanage and scold, as if he were Gordon Ramsay.
Looking back, I remember the gut feeling I had when this first started happening. I felt like I was around a teenager who tells lies and improbable stories to impress their friends. If you get this feeling around a new date, RUN AWAY.
I really believe that the most successful, confident people are humble and SILENTLY confident. They have nothing to prove to anyone. They don’t shove their accomplishments in other people’s faces. They are secure in themselves and don’t need to wow you with their resume to get you to like them.
Great point NR – I think you can really tell the difference between someone that is confident in their skillset and those that aren’t. Narcissists need the validation of other people, so in your story I can just picture him running around trying to get everyone to praise his tuna casserole. “Try the tuna casserole I made it. Do you like it? It’s good isn’t it?” They all have this need to be recognized and validated – their skills and talent are irrelevant, just as long as other people pay them lip service. Very good point.
In response to Kathy: you are right on the money. My N was a good cook but he still thins EVERYBODY loves his cooking. He has a tendency to over salt his food. When I would gently suggest that he cut back on the seasoning, he would tell me “fine, we’ll just eat your crappy shit, cause everyone loves your food-not.” He made me rethink my cooking but now that he’s gone, I’m back to cooking myself and enjoying it for me. No stress or criticism.
This is a great read I sent it to a few of my girlfriends who are navigating the dating scene.
I think it’s essential reading whether you’re ready to start or not. I’m not there but it makes me feel more confident in spotting a N in the future.
@Lynn — Same here. I have been cooking a lot since I got rid of my N. Cooking what I want and how I want, and buying the best ingredients I can afford.
On a side note, I have not touched pasta or processed foods for three months now, and I’ve lost quite a bit of weight and am feeling great!
OMG! My ex Narc is the same! loves and needs constant admiration for his cooking. The difference is that he cooks really good, he has Italian heritage and he has passion for cooking since he was a child. We lived together for 8 months and he cooked for me the most of the time and every time he cooked for me, he asked me (not kidding) like 5 times at least if “it was good” and I replied “yes, it’s good”, and 1 minute later he asked me again “the seasoning is good, isn’t? isn’t that the best X dish you have tasted?” one minute later starts making comments such as: “wow, is the best eggplant parmesan I have ever made”, “oh wow, look at these ribs, are perfectly grilled, I’m the best!”, “I know this dish can be put on the menu on a 5 Michelin star restaurant”. At the end, I got so annoyed that I didn’t want him to cook for me anymore!
And he also loves to brag about how great and talented he is at doing other things. How great he was in school in X thing. He used to say that he is one of the few people on the top 1% with highest IQ! he actually said that he has to “dumb himself down” in order to blend socially! LOL!
He hated it when I put in doubt his knowledge on something, he started yelling at me or treated me like I’m stupid. When I told him “there are many books (or websites) written that say the opposite of what you are saying” he replies yelling “I don’t give a s–t of what stupid people write! I know I’m right!”
And guess what: he punished me afterwards not being affectionate with me because I put in doubt his knowledge or because I didn’t do things the way he thinks is the way it’s supposed to be done. He used to say: “How do you want me to kiss you and get turn on by you after you do or say something like that?”
We were living together, he was living in my house and finally he left the last week! I felt I was prisoner in my own house! Finally I can breathe!
I’d also like to add: Watch how he treats the wait staff, hosts, bussers, bartenders, cab drivers, etc. when you are on your date and out and about. The quickest way to spot a douchecanoe is if he’s rude to people in the service industry.
Ammm i was not talking at all about intimate touches, that was not what i did!! I ment holding hands, hugging and wraping the arm around sb…. !! But as i also wrote i get your point!! I think for me it is because i didn’t got much touch in the past and with the cuddle evenings (which is also not at all about intimate touches or sex..) i experienced how nurturing touch is! And i see that the man i back off already was super quick with holding hands ect… ! I am really thankful for all your articles about N. and abusers so i could see it more clearly that he is finding excuses instead of ways to meet etc…. !! So i hit the road and it feels poweful and being clear in myself. … lol
Touching is great Samira – it’s awesome, BUT when you are holding hands (on a first or even a second date) and hugging while having dinner – that’s too much too soon – there’s an urgency to it that isn’t healthy. You are supposed to be just getting to know this person – no one should be hanging off of someone they just met. Hugging good-bye is fine, but if you’re on a first date with someone and you go to the movies and they reach over to hold your hand, aren’t you kind of thinking, ‘wow this is weird’ and way too fast. It creates expectations that shouldn’t be there – or it implies desperation, like a puppy looking for a new home. I just don’t think it’s healthy. I think we should always take our time, get to know someone and spend the time figuring out if this is where we want to emotionally invest ourselves. When you leap without looking the fall could be catastrophic.
EXCELLENT article! Thank you!
Great article – thanks!!! Good news: after my last relationship with a man who not really wanted me and learning a lot out of it and reading some of your blogs, i retreated from a man i met after some dates recognizing it would go down the same road…. so thats the good news!!
The bad news is: that i spottet some of the flag signals in myself :-(( !!! F.e. talking about intimate stuff too soon (guess as a mean to create intimity…. i also did it a lot with female friends… but i pay already more attention to it) or talking about my ex…not a lot but a bit…being touching (i m leading cuddle evenings and touch is very essentiell for me… since i am doing these cuddle evenings i meet men who also like to touch a lot and i enjoy it… but i see your point clearly!!!) Do i have to be concerned of being an abuser myself :-((( !! Beware!!! Lol Samira
Samira: What we are talking about here is touching people we barely know, or who barley know us. Some people do like to touch a lot and there’s nothing wrong with that per se. It’s the motive behind it. Why are you touching these men? How well do you know them? What are you hoping to gain by touching strangers so intimately? Often people pleasers will do this in an attempt to do the same thing – inspire trust and intimacy because they want to be liked – so they are willing to go overboard to get the attention they seek. Sometimes people like to form a type of attachment bond quickly so they can jump into a relationship – they leap before looking. I don’t think it’s healthy to be all over someone you don’t know. I’d back off a little and get to know someone before you’re intimately touching them.
Savannah,
Great article. Thank you.
You say don’t date a former addict, but you don’t say why.
I didn’t say don’t date a former addict Sparklegirl. I said don’t date a current addict. If someone has been previously addicted to something I would proceed with caution, because there is always that chance of a relapse. It would be a risky investment.
Great article
I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for this. Great suggestions, I just don’t think I’ll ever recover enough to make someone else happy. I know you say I should think of me, and I will, but I can’t deny my personality as a pleaser/fixer. I’ll have to figure out a way that works for me. Thanks for the great articles.
Marked … you and me both! I’m not ready and not sure if I even wanna go down that road again. Certainly, not at this moment. So for now, I’m working on doing “me”. We’ll heal, that I’m confident. But my judgment/discernment needs a tad bit more work before I get on that bull again! Treat yourself wonderfully! That’s what I’m doing.
I have been free of my N for almost 2 months. I still struggle daily. At first I told myself and every one else I would never date again. Now I realize I can’t say never. But I am dating someone- ME. Im taking myself out and getting to know me again. Its lonely, but I know its what I need