Being caught in the haze of a Narcissistic relationship is being in a state of denial. It’s relative obliviousness to the subtle manipulations of a seasoned predator.
It’s a slow and subtle form of brain washing, where you know that you are unhappy and that feeling in your gut is telling you something isn’t right, but it’s also your lack of willingness to acknowledge it, or do anything about it. This haze makes us catatonic, unable to move and it brings us feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness.
I felt compelled to write on this subject, as I’ve received several emails from women this past week, describing how the light of truth is just starting to dawn on their relationship, how they’ve been caught in this funk for years, decades even, but they’ve been unable to describe it or put a name to it, or even dare to escape from it.
Many people find my site, or others like it, because they are searching for answers. They’ve been existing in a fog, watching their lives unfold without being completely present. They are miserably unhappy and they’ve luckily reached the point where they are starting to wake up and see the truth. This is a scary time for a lot of people.
There is a big difference between cognitively knowing something or someone is very wrong for you and being emotionally ready to do something about it. It’s what happens when your mind and your heart or your mind and your fears are in two very different places. You know what you have to do, but you’re too afraid to do it.
Women that have been involved with a Narcissist have been living in the dark for so long, the light can be blinding. They have been living a lie for so long they’ve forgotten what the truth feels like, forgotten what feeling good feels like and forgotten how to care and love themselves.
Even though there have been no chains or locked doors they have been prisoners – prisoners of Narcissistic abuse – they just didn’t know it. These conmen are skilled manipulators and as the smoke begins to clear most will eventually ask themselves, “How did I let this happen to me? What was I thinking?”
Don’t beat yourself up. Considering that estimates for Narcissism in North America can be as high as 16%, you have roughly a 1 in 6 chance of running into one. These men are skilled and well-rehearsed at this dance. They play mind games meant to take away your power and suck out your self-esteem. It’s not overt or obvious. It’s slow and deceptive. So much so that you probably didn’t even notice it was happening. Here’s how they do it:
Conveying Initial Irresistible Charm: You will notice right out of the gate that these men are exceptionally charming. They’re everything you’ve ever wanted in a man. They’re so loving, so attentive, they’ll do anything for you. And they’re so into you it’s a little scary. They will tell you things like, “You are my savior,” or “You’re an angel.” It’s too good to be true and impossible to resist.
They Pull the ole Bait and Switch: Once they know they’ve got you hooked the mask comes off and the real McKoy emerges. Since this change is abrupt you start to wonder what you’ve done wrong and you will spend the rest of the relationship jumping through hoops, trying to get that person back and make up whatever it was that you think you did to cause this change in them.
They Become Controlling and Start to Isolate you From Your Loved Ones: The real person is a ball of anger and rage. They’re controlling and slowly they will start to isolate you. They know that if you are close with your family and friends that your loved ones will see them for who they truly are and that theywill try to make you see the light. They want you confused, so they will stop associating with your loved ones and they will try to create rifts between them and you. They will make it unpleasant for you to want to spend time with them. They will throw fits to the point that it’s just easier if you stop hanging around them. Those loved ones that won’t go away so easily, will begin to tell you the truth, of who you’re involved with, but you won’t want to hear it. When we think that we’re in love we don’t want to hear the truth and we are ashamed and embarrassed that they might be right, so we will do the rest of the shutting out for them.
They Go into Rages and They Attack Your Self-Esteem: They will teach you that you need to walk on egg shells around them, as one little offence could have them reeling in rage. They will attack your self-esteem. They’ll spot your insecurities and go after them with a vengeance, or they’ll create new ones. They don’t want you to feel good about yourself, for two reasons. One, if you have self-esteem and self-worth you’ll leave them. There’s no way someone that demands respect would put up with any of this, so they need to eliminate whatever stores you’ve got left. And two, they are projectors, they hate themselves, so if they don’t feel good about themselves – why should you? You are an object to them. You are their punching bag, their cheerleader, their nurturer and their slave and you need to learn your place.
They will spin lies and tell stories meant to keep you off balance and in this toxic haze. Everything is all about them, all the time and you will forget about your wants or needs. You stop being your magnificent self and you become a shell of a person, watching your own life just happen to you. Little by little they have been sucking the life out of you. They has been taking away your power, until you feel powerless. They’ve convinced you that without them you’re nothing, that without them you could never survive.
That’s how you got here.
The first step to breaking free and reclaiming your life is awareness. This awareness doesn’t come easy though. You will deny it. You will rationalize their behavior, you will make excuses for it and you will want to doubt what you are seeing, because if it is all true, then you have been a victim, you have to acknowledge that you’ve made a colossal mistake and you’ve wasted years, sometimes decades, of your life. So you will fight this awareness. Why?
Fear
Cognitive Dissonance is a term used when an individual holds two conflicting beliefs. On the one hand you know your relationship is toxic and you’re miserable and on the other hand you may still think you’re in love, or you’re convinced that you’re nothing without your mate and that you can’t make it on your own. The thing about cognitive dissonance is that we can only hold two different view points for so long. Sooner or later as one side gathers more weight the scales will eventually tip.
What keeps us stuck in these unhealthy relationships is fear. Part of their repertoire is to convince us that we can’t survive without them. They have made us dependent on them financially or emotionally. That’s part of their control. Our identities have become so entrenched with theirs that we no longer have our own.
We will make excuses and say things like, they’re so good to my kids and I don’t want to hurt them, but deep down we know that there being good to our kids, is just another means to control us. If we were being truly honest with ourselves we would know that our kids would want us to be happy, safe and fulfilled, even if it meant leaving their home, their x-box and the comforts they are used to. They are not unaware, they know what’s going on and they are resilient.
Wouldn’t their lives be more enriched if their parent was strong, emotionally healthy and fully present in their lives. Wouldn’t we be better role models if we showed them courage in the face of fear, independence and strength.
“When fear knocks, let faith answer the door.” Robin Roberts
A very devout friend of mine said to me as I was fighting my way through the haze, “God takes care of the birds and the bees, what makes you think he won’t take care of you?”
Change is hard. It’s unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Sometimes we think it’s easier to stay where we are than to face the unknown, but if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will keep getting the same results.
There are always options and opportunities. Our lives are the culmination of choices that we have made, and if those choices have led us to pain and misery, then it’s time to make a new choice.
Buddhists believe that you are only truly alive when you step out of your comfort zone, where you are in no man’s land, fully alert and fully present in the face of new challenges, that’s what being alive is all about.
You were put on this earth to be happy. That’s your purpose. That’s it. You were not meant to live for someone else. You were not meant to live on an emotional rollercoaster. You were not meant to walk on egg shells. You were not meant to be unhappy. In time you will come to see all of this as an incredibly valuable learning experience. You will never again put yourself last and treat you with a lack of love, care and respect and you won’t want to consort with anyone that tries to.
Trust your instincts, and start walking through the fog until you see the light. There you will find freedom, joy, self-sufficiency, self-love, inner peace and utter bliss. I promise.
Your Thoughts!!!
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Well I’ve just ended an 18 month
old relationship with a man who looking at all these posts is a narcissist ! .I met him in a dating site, from the word go I had a gut feeling something didn’t sit right He was a charmer but kept me at arms length emotionally..yet I moved closer towards him because of it ! And I don’t know why I did he never kissed me even when we made love it was like he was emotionally shut down
I never met any of his friends as he said he never had any and was estranged from his family because of a traumatic childhood but to be honest I never believed a six he said in the end..I think he was messaging other women too ..I started to feel there was something wrong with me ! ..He would call me out if I didn’t (in his mind) speak correctly started to tell me he didn’t like certain clothes I wore or liked my hair a certain way ..He had a massive thing against drinking alcohol so I felt I couldn’t relax and have a glass of wine around him .. I’m sure it was him that might of had a previous problem with it ..
He was always the victim in his previous relationships said he was treated really badly he lied to me about his age when we first met which I found out about ..I just felt he wasn’t being upfront and honest ..I had enough in the end I’ve had 5 away from him and no contact for 18 days but I think he’ll be back, No way am I going there ..I’m 54 and am very attractive but he never hardly compliments me he is 63 ..He’s not going to change now he’ll be onto his next poor unsuspecting soul .He’s really knocked my confidence and I think how could I of been so stupid ?
Omg im shaking…. this just described my recent ex… i held on for 10 yrs…nothing changes EVER ! They always go back. I’m so glad I had the strength to leave. He makes me think that I’m crazy or I’m psycho. Always put me down, controlled me, was so possessive and jealous. He would tell me what to wear, how he likes my hair as well, and told me how I was supposed to talk to him. My life is going to be much better now even though it’s hard to see that at this moment. I feel lost and broken right now. But I know I did the right thing. I will become a strong woman Fierce and Triumph. Thank you for sharing this
Hi, I’m scheduled to make my break in four days- it’s a safety plan. I’m scared. It’s been 25 years that I’ve been with him. He’s a master manipulator. I think he’s fooled my kids. He’s cut me off from all family and friends so I have no support. As I got stronger and psychologically healthier thru 3 years of therapy he cracked down hard. He dialled his psychological and other controlling behaviours up and it escalated to physical coercion – although he never hit me. He’d trap me in a room and refuse to let me leave to care for my daughter. Use the car to scare me. the kids were trapped ; he told them there were no problems and that he’d fix their mom. But then, when I left, he did a 180 degree change and it threw me for a loop. He bought presents, clothes and jewelry and I got caught in the web again – feeling guilty for leaving him and making everyone weep. Please help me if you can. This is serious and my emotional health is at stake. If I “plug back in” I’ll never get this close again. I can’t trust him not to revert. I must go through with the plan but I have no one to help.
9 years I have been in a realtionship with a nar who maniupluated abued me physically sexually and emotionally. i cant cout how many times i have taken him back only to be lied to used for money cheated on and beaten always blaming myslef for his behaviour. not only has he broken me and my family but he has isolated me from my fiends and family. i want to completely walk away but he keeps messaging me and begging to take him back i cant do this anymore and reading all your posts i believe i have the strength within to be able to start over
I hope it isn’t too late to reply to HJS. My ex and I were married for 23 years. It only took a few years for me to know I wasn’t happy. But I, like you, was isolated. Born and raised on the west coast, my entire family still lived in California. My ex and I landed in Indiana, in his home town, after his release from the military. He said we wouldn’t stay. That was in 1993. In 2011 I finally got the courage up to leave. I left with nothing but about $5,000 for a down payment on a small house not far from his. I wanted to live close because our sons were staying with him and I wanted them to be able to just walk to my house if they needed. I left my ex the house, our savings, the kids, everything except for a few pieces of furniture. I tried to maintain a friendly relationship which was very difficult for him at first. My persistence finally paid off. Or so I thought. He told me he was changing, that he handles anger much different. We started seeing each other again, and yes, I noticed change. But I didn’t commit because I wanted to be sure. After a couple of years we started talking about marriage again, but I still couldn’t commit. I started noticing behaviors and attitudes that were prevalent in our marriage, judgmental comments about others, constant complaining about city, state and national government, double standards between himself and others. I broke it off. I told him I wanted to move back to California. Since I broke it off he has made it his mission to do everything within his power to make sure my life is more difficult and painful. Although I am living penny to penny, check to check, and sometimes wrapping cheese in a tortilla for dinner, I feel so lucky to have dodged a bullet.
So, I hope you didn’t plug back in. I have no one either, but I’m so relieved not to have committed again. I’m free.
I’ve just found this page after searching for answers for hours it makes me feel better knowing there are other women going through what I am . For 2 years now I have made excuses covered for him denied everything. When we first got together he was lovely but I should have seen the signs he’s an only child and been brought up around money . Money or mummy is the answer to everything.theres always an excuse but I let him in to my and my childrens lives on the outside he’s the supportive and great partner / step dad the kids need something he buys it but last year during one of his outbursts he had broken my nose and my son came home from a sleepover ( he was 16) my son flipped out wanted to hurt him and they came face to face pushing smashing the house Up . I called the police and he was arrested he was bailed for 6 weeks until investigation was done I refused to press charges please don’t ask why I hate myself for it . I felt bad because I thought it was my fault. Everything was dropped and he got back in touch. His mum told me it had changed him really scared him swore he’d never be like it again and yet again I believed it or wanted it to be true. But here I am today hiding it from the children again pretending everything is perfect when I’ve had the weekend from hell bite marks over my arms , inside of my lip black , and humiliated . He’s now gone back to his mums as I haven’t let him move back in since everything. But he’s denying he did anything wrong said I’m imagining it ! I wish I was strong enough to walk away but when I’ve tried I’m fighting him and his mum they’ve threatened to take my car , kids clothes and loads of stuff from my house .i know what I should do but why can’t I do it ? I’m so lonely and down he’s ruining me and I know it . I hate not being strong just feel worthless. I’ve had enough and don’t know how to get me back . Sorry for the long rant it’s just I’ve got no one to talk to x
Almost 9 years of living with a N and here I am…thankful that I finally left him. He’s a classic N..charming and came on strong in the beginning then, once I moved in ( 18 mos later ) that charm slowly began to disappear.
I allowed him to erode my self-esteem, ignored my friends in deference to him, attended so many family gatherings and social events alone ( he was tired or didn’t like the crowd it blah blah ).
He is a world class flirt yet withheld intimacy, both emotionally and physically from me for over a year. And I allowed it; made excuses for it. I k ew it wasn’t right but I stayed. And stayed.
Had my “fuck, no” moment a mo th ago, loaded up the following day and have seen him once… he cried, telling me how much he was hurting. Really?
If you’re reading this and even have the slightest thought that your lover, spouse, partner is a N, run like hell. Run. And don’t look back.
Your article made me cry at the same time it, along with God, led me out the fog i walked thru for 15 years!!! I’ve struggeled….6 months of discard phase and losing my mind …read hundreds of articles…at the very moment I was looking for the right words a dive came your article…i broke in tears and was in the light! Out of the evil fog finally!!!! THAN YOU!
They are all the same which leads me to rationalize that this is a very identifiable dis-ease (disorder). If it isn’t a brain malfunction, then why are narc actions all similar. It doesn’t really matter if it is nature or nurture they are miserable creatures who get pleasure hurting people who love them. They lack empathy, compassion, or any human emotions other than to feel self-pity. Whoever said RUN RUN RUN is right, it will NEVER get better.
As I write this letter I am hurting as hell.I am so unhappy…my story started 12 years ago..but it is so long I will jump..he came to live with me so I stated seeing the real person…he’s a cheater and dear god every word that comes out his mouth is a lie
I told him to leave…he works no where
He blames everybody …he’s alwsys searching through my things….
Just feeling like going to the beach and walk right into the water as far as I could go..I am hurting so much.
My ex of 10 years is a narc. We were married five years before we separated. While married, he physically and emotionally abused me. He told me he was going to kill me and my girls by burning the house down or doing something to my car. After separation and divorce he became worse. I had three children from a previous marriage. From 2006-2011 he had little to nothing to do with my girls. He discovered that he could no longer hurt me by being physically abusive, mentally abusive, making threats, etc…because third party people were involved he knew there would be another restraining order. When the girls turned 18, he started buying my girls things including cars…and turned them against me. he feels superior that my girls are spending time with him and if they would stop talking or spending time with him, he would take it out on me. I try to act as if nothing is going on but he has them so controlled. I really don’t know what to do any more. My advice to other single moms is dodge the hell out of there as far away as you can get!
Unbelievable I am not alone in this living nightmare iv just come out of and I thank god for giving me the strength to do it. 5 years later the beginning was a fairytale roses fine diving treated me like a queen I was in heaven. Everything happened so fast before I knew it be was moving in quicker than I was ever ready. Once I was head over hills he started revealing the true him his mask started to slip constant lying about his travels several cheating episodes secrecy and started to break me down and find fault with me isolated me from everyone close to me. I allowed it for 5 years spinning and Dojng everything to make him happy until one day he arrived at my place of work and smashed my car window because he could not get hold of me I was so embarrassed afraid shocked at the same time that he could threaten my professional space and sabotage my job. It was that point where I knew i had to start my escape. I rented out my house because I knew he would leave, found a smaller place for me and my daughter he had no choice but to leave as well. Finally don’t know where the strength came from I’m now on my own and its bliss peace like I can’t explain. Iv also gone no contact and starting to find myself again. The only way to deal with a narcissist with no conscience is to leave there is no other option the lies cheating and toxic abuse never ends thanks for everyone for the inspiration ………..
Wow, just wow….this explains my relationship perfectly except it was the opposite way around. I’m a 34 yr old man & she was 49, but Everything from the constantly trying to fix it or get back to how they used to be because change was so abrupt. The turning little shit into huge fights just to get control back. I never, ever post comments on anything but I had too with this. The amazing start of it where their so into u & feels like heir s godsend. I ka. The article & e ryobes comments are so ridiculously spot on as to how they operate. It’s almost scary. I’m glad I found a wor for it & have something to help rationalize my own issues I’m dealing with after this horrendous relationship. It is always about them & somebody mentioned that when they wld stand their ground the person wld try & end it. Thats their go to move. Since the first time I talked to her my gut wah telling me somethings off & I did just like everybody else, brushed it off cause u tell itself anything to rationalize. It’s just uncanny & I’m so happy I found other people who have gone thru the exact same thing as me. I genuinely cared for this woman & told her upfront she didn’t need to play these games. I was younger but wasn’t going to just get up & page when I found something btr or younger. I was in it till the end . If their I’d anybody on this board in the Naperville, I’m area. Please don’t hesitate to shoot me an email. I wld love to share stories & see further & help myself believe that it y joy wasn’t me. I’m an extremely huge kind hearted man & am very genuine. I’m real as I call it. I tell u whats on my mind & tell u everything. She did at the beginning but then the stupid little lies just to get under ur skin & try to gain control back or so they feel like they have the upper hand again all the time. It’s messes up & even after knowing all this, I still miss her & I’m so pissed at myself but can’t help how I feel. Really if theirs anybody out their that wld like to talk. Pls email me & maybe we can exchange numbers. I’m still struggling but it’s like a linger that winter every fully go away. She partly stalks me as I see her so many places I go yet we nvr went any if those places heh we were together. My only crime was loving her whole heartedly. I tired incredibly hard to make it work but no matter what I did ,even if I did exactly what she said the nxt day it wld change or she wld change the dynamic. I luv her little cute feet & called them small all the time & she thought it was cute. On day I did exactly that & all the sudden we were fighting. I don’t want u to call my feet small, what if I dont like that?…..huh…I’ve been doing it for monrths & it nvr bothered u. Now all the sudden, wt? I mean this article & shit people have chimed in with, I Cld write an exact recreation of our relationship just from things said in this article. If anybody Cld chime in & maybe give me some encouragement. It wld really help me. I’m doing ok & have gone no contact for 6 months now but whenever I see here, again coincidence after coincidence, starting to get a bit odd honestly. It all comes rushing back up & I know deep down I need to keep my current path but struggle still. I’m a very intelligent, attractive, successful 34 yr old man but I’m still hurting. They are pros & theirs no doubt about that. Pls somebody tell me something good or reach out .It wld help me so much. Again, I cent even tell u how accurate & precise this article is down to the last detail. In the back of my brain I always thought she was a control freak & their was something off, I even said those exact words .I think she projects & I was spot on. My brain always told me she’s miserable deep down & again I was correct. She’d trim any little thing into th biggest fight. I felt like sometimes I literally walked into a trap & she wanted to start a fight just for the sake of it. Somebody on here also mentioned the they can say anything to u & ur just supposed to swallow it but u say one mildly mean thing & its a huge deal but they can cut u down & be utterly cruel & ur just supposed to swallow it, & then if u get upset they get mad at u for being upset & then u Saud nd up apologizing just to make peace & again ur met with more hostility & an unwillingness to make up. Everything was a process. She said she wanted easy simple but when I wld try & do that, didn’t work either. The nicer I was & the more accommodating & understanding I tried to be. The more she’d try to control. Are these people that unhappy that the only thing that gives then any joy is crushing & manipulating kind generous people like ourselves? I still miss her & love her but I also completely despise & loathe her. It’s so messed up. It is a slow brainwash. & the most messed up thing is these people think their normal & already have a place in heaven cause they’ve done some materialistic things for people. Wld love to hear from some of u as I’m 34 & thought I wldnt have to deal with games & shit from a 49 yr old. Boy was I wrong. Same guy in here also mentioned something about she’d talk to him like a troubled 19 yr old boy, again so precise. She used to always sta things like “is get a be anser or response from a 10 yr old boy .What because I ask questions or have to h cause ur the most unclear non direct person I’ve ever met when it comes to a conversation or trying to get something together. Still struggling.
Thanks for reading,
Another victim of a narcisist.
I have recently come out of an 18 month relationship with a woman that was completely toxic. The first couple of weeks were fantastic, like a dream and I had that enormous hormonal feeling of being in love. She was very attractive, charismatic, confident, and the sexiest woman I ever came across. But then when I committed to her after about a month, things began to change. Small lies started to creep in about innocuous things, her sensitivity heightened to any perceived slight, and before long we began arguing with such heated fury it was totally exhausting. She lied about her past to me (which I found out after, an abortion she blamed her ex forced on her, a total lie, he helped her with the whole thing after she slept with a stranger and got pregnant whilst they were taking a break), acted like everyone had wronged her and she was a massive victim. Her relationship with her mother was terrible, they were both as mean as each other and her father had committed suicide. It sounds like something from a soap opera. Her nastiness in arguments and total disrespect for any normal boundaries were alarming and every time I tried to point this out, it was ignored and the same thing would happen again. Such hate in her eyes and abusive name calling etc. I blamed myself for her behaviour, thinking I must be provoking her and altered from a pretty outgoing guy to someone who was overly watchful of what I was saying. I started to get depression for the first time in my life, walking around like my head was under water and surrounded by a heavy fog. I told her about the depression after a few months and she had no empathy or sympathy but instead called me weak and not “a real man”. After arguments, she would never apologise, and in most cases would make things worse by refusing my first approach to make peace. She would sulk, pout, and occasionally hit with fists. If she annoyed me, she didn’t care a damn, but would then be upset with me for being upset and I would have to then apologise!! It was bizarre! The times I did stand my ground would result in her ending the relationship. She was a control freak and always wanted to be top dog. In day to day living, she would escalate small things in to disasters and big arguments. Every day life to her was tough, and she would project her negative traits on to me, calling me negative, saying that I complained about my job, and yet these were her characteristics. However when you hear these from your partner, you begin to question yourself. Slowly my confidence eroded and the depression got worse. All I could think about was my ex girlfriend who was kind and caring. I would stand at the front door of our apartment, heart beating through my chest, not wanting to go through it as I just didn’t know what I would be getting. Door slamming, name calling, all the crap that destroys relationships. It wasn’t like this every day, she could be amazing, really funny, great sex, but it always felt like I was living with an actress. Her mood swings would be vile. Sometimes literally within minutes of a party or night out, she would become visibly depressed and sink. This become contagious in the end and had a real negative effect on everything. It was disturbing and something I’ve never witnessed in anyone before, but she would only do this once away from others. She frequently changed jobs, living accommodation, opinions, stories from her past. It felt like I couldn’t learn who she was. The drama was insane and in the end when I looked at her, my brain was sending me signals she was a monster, and making me question what would be left when the sexual attraction becomes less important after a few years. It gave me rotten anxiety, and I asked her to move out. She had no long lasting relationships with anyone, but could make friends so easily. People were drawn to her but I guess after a while people see through the act. I only ever met people she met recently or the occasional work colleague of hers. Her facebook page is full of selfies and sexy photos, that get 100 likes, but she doesn’t have any real friends. She was a huge attention seeker, would dance incredibly well, but caused arguments on first meetings with my best friends and my parents. She never seemed grateful for what I did for her, I took her out all the time, and it was never enough. Her words about love would never match her actions, and it left me totally confused. Often she would speak to me like I was a troublesome 10 year old, with a condescending and aggressive tone. I spoke to her repeatedly about this but she refused to change and even denied it. I’m not the kind of man who can be spoken to like that, it’s soul destroying and just a another way to exert dominance. She always wanted to rule the roost. The moment she left, my depression went, literally within hours. I spoke to her ex boyfriend who was with her for 7 years, and he confirmed everything I had been thinking saying that she drained the life out of him. He spoke to me of her instability, intense rage and troubled past with interpersonal relationships. I did this so I had some sort of reference point to know my perception of her was correct as I didn’t know anyone from her past because she didn’t have anyone. It turns out all her folks think she’s bipolar, but I don’t. I’m almost certain she is a cluster b personality, showing signs of narcissistic, histrionic and borderline. She was incredibly intelligent, articulate, witty, and physically super attractive. In the end my depression and anxiety stopped us being together as she just made me miserable. I have learnt to value kindness, consideration and generosity, rather than take it for granted all women have these traits which were missing from her. Frankly I don’t know what kind of man can be in a relationship like that for the long term. She even tried to drive a wedge between my mother and I, saying I was controlling about what she wore, a total exaggeration. After everything, I still love her, despite how hard she makes life. We don’t choose who we love, so what the hell is wrong with me to feel like that over a woman who is a bottomless pit. Because she could be the most fabulous person in the world on some evenings, that’s why, and the mind prefers to remember these qualities. But would I want to have children with her? The cycle would continue I think and she would screw up any hope of a happy family life forever
I for some time have felt lost almost 6 years. I started researching what I thought was merely acceptable that it was outright sick treatment by my Narcissist boyfriend. Was very pleasant and giving at the beginning. But if I did not pick up in first ring, even if I was in the toilet it meant I was screwing someone else. My outings to buy milk, meats and pay a bill were timed and if it took me more than 5 minutes over than the last time he was violent breaking things, hitting, yelling. Then came the slamming and breaking of doors, mirrors and the inevitable the silent treatment. This narcissist prick shamed me and humiliated told people he broke up with me when he was still living with me. Flirted with other women and drive my car like it was his. I made the payments and wasn’t aloud to drive it. He would disappear if I needed the car for my 7 year old son even if it was a doctor we had to go to. I had 2 miscarriages, he hit me , lost pregnancies. Oh yes it was my fault because I was on the phone with a lady from church and any free time I had once he got home had to be exclusively with him. It is endless the humiliation. He would not speak to me at one point at church on front of people but when we got home he would be so loving. The prick told all single lady’s he wasn’t with me. Had to show pastor pictures of us going out and sleeping in the bed. To prove he lied and we were still together. I got him the perfect job where I volunteer. He embarrassed me in ways unimaginable and degradable and then he did the silent treatment, then back to loving. A light just hit me this week how can you use someone and love someone so much. This past Wednesday evening on
4/27/16 I decided to do the no contact rule. He had a problem at work, gave him advice then checked in and told him are you ok and he said I am fine and hanged up very rudely. Then when I told him in the afternoon I can take you to your second job but cannot lend you the car because I had a commitment for my sons communion rehearsal, he told me to Fk myself he doesn’t need me or my car. We haven’t spoken since. He is staying supposedly in church convent. He has everyone feeling pity because he’s the battered one. I’m always walking on egg shells afraid to say the wrong thing don’t want to get my wrist twisted again or finger out of place again. It was physically very painful. I’m getting my life back together. But in doing so I will get indirectly my revenge. You see he has a few skeletons in his closet. But it is so good that it will make him cry. I need that he sheds a tear or 2 for the woman he drove back and forth in my new car without my permission. When I told him to stop he didn’t. So he has stop paying the light and cable for months. I pay the rent and other bills. He has 1 full time job and 2 part time. But I know his secrets and I just revealed 1. He might be losing 1 part time job by Monday. He will lose all 1 by one. I’ve lost my dignity and self worth and I am getting it back. I have lost 45 pounds in 2 months due to the stress. I have been depressed and cried too much and then again prayed for me and this fool. But I will do NC and will be strong again. It’s about me now and I need to love me. I am glad I read your posts it has given the strength to get up and pray for a better day tomorrow. I do admit sometimes I reminisce of what I could’ve done, but there is no helping an extreme narcissist. No contact is my new beginning. 4 days so far it feels great!!!!!
It amazing me how similar all your stories are to mine. I met my Narc almost 20 years ago, we have 2 wonderful kids together. After he swept me off my feet I noticed some inconsistencies with him. He is a pathological liar and cheater. I spent 19 years of hell in a relationship with him, during that time, we spent long time apart. I can’t even recall the number of times we broke up over that 19 year period. What I remember most was how from the beginning I recognized that something was not right with him. I remember telling him within our first year of dating that he had a false perception of himself and that he was not the perfect man he believed himself to be. I recall also how confused I was after he told me one time when our relationship was still new that we needed to talk. After that talk I convinced myself that something must be wrong with me, because no normal human being could make up some what he was saying.
I started to study narcissist once I recognized that there was a word attached to this form of madness. I could not understand why I kept going back to him, I realized that it was not love because anyone who love someone would not do half of the things he had done to me. I learnt to be quiet when he spoke, I learnt that you can never beat him at his game, and so I gave it to his pretense. What I learnt also was that he needed constant supply or he would leave, so I stopped being his supply, I stopped stroking his ego, and that maddened him. He was out of a job for 3 years, trying to launch a career online, but only participating in pyramid scheme after pyramid scheme. He even convinced me for more than a year that I should do the same and he didn’t want me working or looking for a job. We all suffered during that period, especially our kids. We both have postgraduate degrees and there I was trying to be a network marketer. I hated every minute of it. I hated the pain he inflicted on me and on our kids, the selfishness he always displayed, the lies, the constant cheating, the belittling and the emotional, mental, financial and sometimes even physical abuse. I hated ‘Me’. When did I become that co-dependent woman? I had always prided myself of being independent and had always been in control of my life. I lost myself, almost completely. Almost a year since he packed up and left while I was at work, I am still recovering and don’t know how to be in a normal relationship with a normal man.
He has tried several times to come back but I am not ever going to do this to myself again, and especially not to my kids. I hate him and all I see now is an animal. He is evil and though for years he tells everyone that I am evil and that I am mad, I know better. His words have no effect on me again, I am as cold as stone. The day he left was the best day of my life. He thought he was punishing me but what he actually did was make me the happiest person ever. Next month I will be celebrating 1 year of freedom from my narcissist. If you’re in a relationship with one, RUN. They take everything good about you and make you out to be a crazy lunatic. Run, Run, Run away and never go back despite what they say. They are great pretenders and will do whatever it takes to get their source of supply back.
Just discovered I been in a 10 year relationship with a Narcassist. I was devastated at first now I am relieved that I am not losing my mind. We live together, we are renting my brothers house. I have been asking him to leave since 2008 and somehow he always gets me to give him another chance . I wasted 10 years of my life being good to my tormentor. Lately he has become so evil towards me and after reading up on his type I understand why. For months I started telling him NO! I stop being around him, I made myself preoccupied with social media. He could not stand my isolation (I slept on the couch) we worked different shifts so that made it easy to avoid him. When we did have to be together he was so angry and agitated but as hurt as I was I continued to ignore him until I was laying in bed with my headphones on (I could hear him) he was berating me about my weight and how no man would want me and I didn’t respond all I did was smile. He dressed up acting like he was going out on a date and when I didn’t respond he jumped on me dragged me out of bed twisted my arm because I was swinging wildly about trying to free myself I couldn’t breathe my ear was cut I had bruises on my body. I stopped moving and he let me up. I was so shaken up, he went on about someone like me treating him like that, he said he can get 100 women more beautiful and successful than I was. Then he accused me of looking for men on Facebook (which isn’t true because I was thinking after him I don’t ever want to be in another relationship) Then he scolded me for ignoring him, he needs my attention because he loves me and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. I cried not because I was happy or that I believed him but the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. He started crying too then he kissed me told me he doesn’t see any bruises nor the blood coming out of my ear. I decided that it was over. I didn’t want to cause him to lose his job so I didn’t call the police nor did I tell anyone but I took pictures of my injuries. I started telling my friends about the verbal abuse and they immediately told me to put his stuff outside. I told myself because of his elderly mother I didn’t want the breakup to be nasty so I told him I wanted him to leave because his behavior crossed the line. This time he did not beg to be forgiven or ask for another chance. He boldly said I don’t have to go anywhere I have squatters rights take me to court if you want me to leave. I said okay I will and he said I will destroy you. I will get you fired from work, I will tell your friends and family members things you said about them and everyone will hate you. He grabbed a new phone and broke it in half to show me he doesn’t care about me and that he’s ready for the battle. So I relaxed feeling trapped, afraid and helpless thinking of ways to get him out without him causing problems for me or harming me. Meanwhile I have not said anything about my friends or family nor have I done anything wrong that would warrant me getting fired but I stop telling him to leave. I cook clean and do laundry but intimacy has stopped along time and he accuses me of being a lesbian because I refuse to submit myself to him and he’s worried the neighbors will hear me screaming and call the police on him. So I made a plan to get him out. He is going to visit friends in Europe in the summer. I plan to get a 30 day vacate letter mailed to him, he never reads his mail because it’s bill collectors so I am hoping he doesn’t read the letter. He will stay pass the 30 days he will go on his trip. I will call the sheriff and have them excecute the eviction. I will put all his belongings in a storage unit. I will relocate myself and change my phone number advise my employer of what is going on and on the day he is scheduled home I will send him a email telling him his stuff is in storage and mail the key to his PO box. Hopefully I will never hear from him again. My brother will have his house back and I can start to heal. This is just one of my ideas. Since I learned this weekend that he’s a narcissist all want to do it leave now. He marked me, purposely set out to hurt me after I’ve been so tolerant of him and all his short comings. I am relieved because I thought something was wrong with me that made him start treating me so awful. I am seeing my family doctor tomorrow to discuss my options for getting professional help to overcome this nightmare because I am confused, embrassed and I feel lost. I feel like I am outside my body watching a movie about someone else’s life.
I’m FREE! My radar is on full alert. I will accept nothing less than what I deserve:)
Wow….I am amazed at everyones story!!! I met this man 8 years ago and we were together for 2 years. He was everything in this article. At the time I did not know about NPD. He broke up with me (Blaming everything on me all the time) and it broke my heart! I lost a lot of my self esteem, I thought that there must have been something wrong with me because I fell for his every lie and treated him like a king. Two years later he came back to me. And I feel for it again but by them time is was over (2 years)I had lost even more of my self esteem! Two years later he came back AGAIN, and I know what you are thinking “Please don’t tell me that is girl feel for it again” Well I did and it was even more of a watered down relationship. And yeah he hurt me even more this last time. It was not until I had felt that he had taken every happy part of me off that i learned about NPD. The problem that I have (and I am sure that my friends are sick of talking about it) I really loved this man and I don’t know why I am having such a hard time letting it go. I have not talked to him and from everything that I have read I need to just walk away and stay away! I am just having a hard time letting it sink in that it was all just a LIE!!!
This is not your fault! i think i speak for all of who have been in my shoes. I am currently planning on my move away from my narcassistic prick! hes been abusive physically and mentally. My only option is to leave- i love myself more. he cant take nothing else from me. i had a 2 miscarrages the last one was 2months ago. he looked at me not even 2weeks later and told me to loose weight. thats all he could say.but i didnt expect much out of him. he has been worst. Hes called me names that should never be spoken hes punched me in my face. hes threatened to divorce me via text and he praises everyone and tries to belittle me. he is a golden child to his family. one who can do nothing wrong. i truly believe they have some psycological issues ALL of them. our last falling out was because i made a facial expression..he is so childish and petty. he “makes up”by pointing out how i couldve behaved differently? When this event happened i took his suggestion. i got back in the gym. i got back into my bible and prayer. i am not waking up to this nightmare anymore. id rather be an old maid with a battery charged companion than to deal with this. taking my life or hurting myself would only give him joy to confirm his lies. This man has tries to ruin me. im physically i pain but im gaining up the courage to leave i want to grab my essentials and leave. i regret marrying him. thought he was good. he is a monster. ive got no family. no friends. i have one child. im in my 20’s i wont be dealing with this forever. Also i noticed you all say its your own fault for letting it happened. No no. Stop that. im sure if we saw the real him we wouldve ran before making commitments. we are good ppl. they are monsters they are like bottom feeders hoping that some one will give them the satisfaction they cant get from their own self esteem so they make us feel like crap. but not this one. im out. i have to its my only option. i will buy the cheapest groceries.i will pinch pennies for everything.I will hunt for apartments. I will go back to school and stop putting myself on hold. i will NOT Date for a good while. only my Child and School are my priority. This vampire tried to suck the life out of me. i will save my money i will get a storage. he will never see it but i will buy a new car i will pay cash. i will stash my money at the bank. i will save money from every check and when he least expects i will be gone. when he turns that key. he will walk into that empty house and will have to live with his empty heart all alone. and yes im not looking back. ive never been so hurt. or so emotionally drained.
I have read every single respond on this article and it’s just so creepy how identical are they to mine. As for now I’m a dead woman trap in a relationship with a narcissist. I have no money,no family,no friends no car.no bank account. I got no access to anything. I have 3 boys.and it sounds crazy but every time the wheel of disaster spins I find comfort pa king all my belongings but then only to realize I got no where to go. 6 years I’m depressed at first I blamed myself for the sudden change on his behbio once I got here in the states , it’s like where was the knight of shinning armour I had when he was dating me.I blamed myself became the first time he hit me.he told me that it’s because of my behavior he hite and it’s my fault
And that I do.deserved to be hit. This marriage has been so depressing in a more deeper sense..you name all the abuse j have them all experience. .but no he said physical abuse has nothing to do with what I did to you…but after 6 years and 3 kids,I need my happy self back. He always tells me I’m a very negative person,I’m the most negative person he ever met ,but deep inside me I know I’m not..I’m so lost..I need to get out..but how. Please help.thank you
I just read this article. Another great one. The charm in the beginning was like nothing i have ever experienced. I made excuse after excuse. He sooo had me convinced I couldn’t survive without him. Haze is a good word. I was so obsessed with his Internet activity, his phone activity etc. My life was totally lost! I went to therapy and would cry and cry. I felt i didn’t exist. I had no idea who i even was any more. I was miserable and didn’t know why. I developed diabetes, gained back 50 pounds i hsd worked hard to lose. All the while he reminded me how much he did for me. He would always tell me how there were so few men out there for women of my age. He reminded me how many women wanted him and would go to their Graves loving him. Now that I am out i realize the manipulation. Wow is all i can say. Again so grateful for these articles!!
I walked away after a year & half when the devalue was just beginning but the real horror was learning everything was a lie & I was one of 6 women. I am proud of myself for leaving & feel lucky & blessed I am safe but mentally I am still haunted. Never again will I let this happen….
22 yrs. married +2. Abused all the ways possible, girls also…16 and 20 yrs. old.
Oldest has a psychiatric problem. She needed med. nightly and still does but husband never agreed even after hearing from psychs that she needs med. Husband called me all these a bad mother because the eldest had to be hospitalized. Every night I had to convince her to take the med. She has always been confused but at age 17, my husband had no problem convincing her I was giving her meds all these years with no need, that she’s well and that I’m the sick one. She stopped taking them and she wanted revenge. She became agressive and then violent. aafter 8 months her father realized she needed the med because she was driving HIM crazy! But she wouldn’t take any meds and became so violent that my daughter and I spent more room in our bedrooms than anywhere else…we locked ourselves in our rooms. I finally hwd to call up the police. My husband of course put me down and made me feel bad about this and said that I had to,”take care of my daughter”. But without taking med, I couldn’t. One night when my husband said he was going the next day on a trip far away and when, on the same night, my daughter shoved me into the micro2aved and hurt me and then hit me on my back several times…I left the next day to an apt. I found but couldn’t bring myself to move to. For about half a year, I didn’t make any contact with my husband. Then, I called him one night.
He said he’d see me. I told him he needed to get help. No way, he said…I continued until recently to try to convince him. I think my husband is a narc because I have never met anyone with a bigger ego. He is so intelligent, he works in the most secretive co. in this country and I find him very very handsome. But he continues his sudden cruelness, like making a face of disgust at me and telling me to come back to the house but on conditions…I have severe health problems which won’t allow me to take care of a 4 story duplex and he hoards and won’t get rid of anything or fix anything. The problems are endless. Yet he makes me feel like I have all these flaws and I think it’s because of his intelligence. I studied some college and at a university but had to stop studying because of a hearing disease. I have been criticized about everything and my children “will end up like me” he says…I “never knew how to d anything” etc. etc,. He is trying to get me back and every time I see him he is trying to charm me, overkill yet he still criticizes. For instance, like in the past, he says, ” I don’t like the way you have clumps of mascara” and he makes faces when telling me this. Every criticism is said cruelly. What on earth is the problem getting out of such a shitty relationship? I believe women lime myself, need a special psychologist who can get us out…going it alone won’t work!
I am trying to get out of this horribly toxic relationship after 17 years. I am in a horrible position financially kept in the dark to learn my home has three liens due to his business which was never incorporated. He will not file bankruptcy to have liens lifted. I’m finding it impossible to divorce unless I walk away from property and there’s no guarantee he will leave at that point or continue to pay the mortgage in my name too. I’m done trying to please him walk around doing this or that so he isn’t unhappy with me or give me the silent treatment days on end. No more people pleasing behavior, it’s about me my life! Walking out seems to be more peaceful. I have worked consistently throughout the relationship and find it hard not to fight for myself. I’m not young will walk out with home furnishings and clothing. I know it’s all replaceable and material but I worked for it. Having a hard time letting it go and realizing negotiation with this beast is impossible. Help! Any great words of wisdom or enlightenment of catapulting myself out of this hell of a situation is much appreciated. D.
i am just coming to the end of a narcissistic friendship/relationship. I only realised a month ago that this man had npd and was moving onto his next victim. He broke me, no other words will suffice.
He was charming, a we of deceitful lies and contradictions. He courted me and spent everyday calling me, expecting emotional support from me and I thought he really loved me. Calling me every single day for2 years when we were both in different countries. Behaving like a partner but withheld sex. What man spends two or three days seek with a woman and chases her then never touches her.
He played on my self esteem andused every vulnerability I had or had disclosed against me in the end. Then when I questioned him, stopped giving into him and wasn’t on call he twisted everything and abided me constantly in rage.
I think he’s do rut before. A pattern he has. But I thought he was broken, damaged, struggling. So I made allowances and put his needs in front of my own thinking he didn’t recognise it or couldn’t express it.
I’ve been stupid and only when I finally divulged what had happened to friends, things he said and did did I realise that he was the abnormal one, not me like he’d led me to believe.
I lost so much, my self esteem, my life and even considered suicide because of him.
Thank you for this article. It opened my eyes to the evil that I have dealt with.
Realising it’s not my fault was important
Learing about NPD blew me away. I finally understand that S didn’t “steal him away”. He was always going to devalue and discard. And he will do it with her too. I was very much in love. Prince Charming. He was wealthy and powerful and was so romantic. He supported me in a career transition and then my volunteer work. I was devistated when he walked out the door. We wern’t fighting. What happened?! He married the next one and they moved to a foreign country we looked at together. He gushes over her endlessly on social media. It hurt. But now I learn it’s all bs. It was nothing I did. It was all fake.
WOW! Just wow. I can’t even thank you for this post. I always had thoughts that the man I loved was an N but it wasn’t until a very close friend pointed out what his actions were doing to me that I started to read more about it.
I was with my N for almost 9 years. Recently, he pushed me so far to a point where I would have rather walked into oncoming traffic than walk away from him. I was so brain washed to believe I was worthless and didn’t deserve anyone but him. EVERYTHING was my fault… even if HE made the comment or did the action, it was still MY fault. Even today I am still battling with walking away from my N.
Nine years ago, I was in a very abusive relationship and my N walked into my life and swept me off my feet. There wasn’t a day that he didn’t try to charm me, send me flowers, visit me at work, take me to lunch, help with my kids… you name it. Slowly as time passed it went away and he would turn everything into being MY fault. I’m a Jersey girl so I would stand my ground, until he would try to come back and then he would do all he could to make me believe I messed up and I caused the issues. There were times where I would walk away and move on meeting other men… but without a doubt, he would come crawling back. Begging, pleading, telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he was. Every single time I would take him back. At one point, I even allowed him to woo me with a rock of a ring… but as he went on to hurt me and push me in ways I found unacceptable, I decided to give his ring back. After all, he started to play the “you only want to be with me for the 22k ring” comments. So I gave it back and still went on to prove to him that I wanted to be with him. THEN we (my kids and I) moved in with him. That alone was a nightmare. If I did not do what he wanted or abide by his ways, he would tell me to go sleep on the couch or with one of my kids. We probably slept together maybe 5-10 times over a period on 75 days! He was so controlling and had so many double standards that I was starting to hate life on earth. I would do everything to be gone from the house and away from him.
I started to quietly distance myself even more, after he had a physical rage where he threw my laptop across the room and screamed in a rage to a point where my teen daughter said she was now scared to be around him. My daughter who was the closest to him… closer to him than his own children. So I started to look for a place to move. After all, he told me EVERY SINGLE DAY he hated me and couldn’t stand me near him. I found a place and told him. I believe he doubted me and didn’t think I would actually go thru with it…. I got my stuff from storage and moved into the new home, turned on all utilities and had the house all put together (for the most part) before I even told him I had a new place. I finally left after I poured my heart out in a hand written letter telling him exactly how I felt, what I wanted and had hoped for us. Not only did he dismiss the letter, but he didn’t even attempt to read it until AFTER he went on a date with someone else (sounds like Ross & Rachel’s “break” from Friends). Then, when I told him I was on my way home, that I would read it to him, he left the house 7 minutes before I got home just so he didn’t have to hear it or deal with my feelings. He ended up spending the night out and the next day when he came home, he pushed me away even further. It was at that point that I picked up, told my daughter to get her important stuff, grabbed my dogs, and moved out.
For weeks, he would try to turn it around telling me he wanted to fix things and I ruined things by moving out. When I would tell him how I had to leave because I was sick of hearing how much he hates me, he would tell me “someone doesn’t say they hate you so much for no reason.” Again, making me feel worthless and horrible about myself. Even moved out, he was still screwing with me.
I have FINALLY put my foot down… NINE years later! I am detaching myself because I know I deserve to be happy and I have self worth… and I am NOT a horrible person.
I know my children need me. Not being on this earth for them because someone has emotionally made me feel so worthless that I questioned my being here, is not who I am. It’s not what I am about and it is DEF not what I believe God would have ever intended for me. I will NEVER allow someone so self righteous and so self absorbed to ever have control over me ever again. Your articles/posts have helped me realized exactly how right on I am in thinking he his an N! Every thing your wrote was and exact description of me and what I have been through.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for your words. I have been dealing with my N for 17 years. Separated 7 years ago and divorced 3. Your words reflect so closely what I have experienced. I have recently come to the realization that I have some very drastic changes to make in my life in an attempt to be free. I have three children with this N and am consumed with guilt that I cannot save them from him. He has my oldest hook, line and sinker. Her anger at me is seething at times. I was 8 months pregnant with our third child when police removed him from our home. Still 7+ year later I am trying to live my life. Now he manipulates me through my children. They do not know, do not understand. I am so troubled by this. Still searching for the full light of freedom.
My narc was the brother of a friend. He was charming, funny, and we had so much in common. I was taken with him right away. We spent many hours laughing and talking it seemed like he was perfect for me…then he switched. He began to yell at angry over little things,
I found this article to be very informative. Probably the best II have ever read.
I found your website and I cant stop reading the blogs…this one was particularly close to home for me! I cried as I read every word, because for me my Narc is my 1st love whom found me after 30 yrs – about 6 yrs ago, so when things went south I began looking to understand why…at 1st i thought it was just a communication issue, after all we’d lived 30 yrs apart, but then I discovered an article on narcissism which then opened my eyes…but as you stated its not what I wanted to believe because there is no cure, and I’d waited 30 yrs for this man somewhere deep inside and now we found each other…only for it to be destoyed by this insidious mental illness that is uncurable it seems from everything I’ve read…and I’m unwilling to sacrifice myswhat for what would be a never ending battle and process! My heart is forever broken! We were 16 yrs old when I met him…and fell in love with him…and it’s laid dominant for 30 yrs…it really sucks!!! Thank you for your blogs…I will continue to read, hope and give him up to the Lord…for healing!
thank you so much for this. The beginning is so odd…….you second guess yourself. You second guess everything……..you think wow you are being so nice to me and my kids. if you feel a gut feeling this is bad it is. go with that gut, trust yourself. be brave and set yourself free. This article spoke so much life into me. Thank you so much for this piece. xo
Thank you soooo much for your blog.. It has given me the courage to hopefully walk away from my N.. I know in my gut that it’s what I need to do, it is just making that step. I have 2 kids that have become attached, but I know they will be fine with time.. Thank you ..
Sigh. I have been married 3 years. My husband is in his own place. At this point in time I have concluded that my marriage happened only to teach me all this. Many many many life lessons learned. Many.
thank you so much. i have been unhappy and have felt crazy for two years. it’s been nearly 4 weeks of no contact and today has been so hard. reading this is such a gift. it gives me strength.
I have 4 children and have been with this piece of s— for 26 years. It makes me sick how they can treat you like that and nothing ever happens to them. They walk around like a pea cock. Arrogant, no remorse. Anyway mine started off when I was 18 at a stage that I felt insecure and unlovable, so I meet a man who is 29. For a couple of years prior I would see him here and there and he would tell people that he thought I was cute but I showed no interest. Then at 18 he started to come to my work and eventually I gave in, I went to his place, we had sex and then BOOM within that week he started acting like he did not know me, I hated being used so I was trying to keep in touch. I really don’t recall everything but the cat and mouse game began. He would come see me but then would not talk to me, then he would call me names, I would cry and run away then the next day he would call me and take me out then he would push me away. About 6 months in the relationship I got pregnant and then at 11 weeks had to go to the hospital where after being induced and 6 hours of labour lost the baby. That night when I arrived at emerge at midnight, I was in the hospital bed and when they had put the IV in me had called him to tell him what was going on and he said “I don’t care whether you live or die, I have to work in the morning” and he never did come. He showed up the next day after supper as I was being discharged. Our problems never did resolve. He got me pregnant a few months later and it was up and down from then. I would cry and try to talk to him and. He would call me a c—, a f—en b— and everything you can think of and I would leave and then he would chase me back. It has been shitty from then with him withholding sex, taking my car away ( I did not work and he bought a car for me to use). I think he wanted a submissive woman that he could do what he wanted and I would take care of his kids and his house. This relationship has destroyed me. I have been crying everyday for the last 3 years, I have a very difficult time functioning and I keep replaying my relationship in my head wondering what I did wrong and how I can change it. I have a hard time getting over all this and I feel like I am gettin really sick. I wish I could get over the fear of seeing him have a great life with his next woman. I have always been attracted to him and he knows it. It is so dumb that I am obsessed over him. I have gone to counseling and nothing has helped. I feel lost and my kids hate seeing me cry all the time and he appears to be in a better place as I am going downhill.
Thanks. I have a lot to say but I just wanted to start from the beginning.
Thank you for this blog and to all who have posted. I didn’t start realizing my husband was a narcissist til only a year ago. We have been married almost 23 years. My oldest daughter who is 18, suggested it to me. I started researching online and it became so clear. I always felt something was not right with him. I feel sick that I allowed by daughters to grow up with it. I become more and more aware of his coldness and anger towards others. Constantly criticizing others, going on and on how stupid everybody around him are. It is so draining. I need to let him go.
Beautifully written. Thank you
Lynn…. Wow, your ex sounds like a real piece of work. Scary how the qualities we initially admire in the Narcissist, e.g, intelligence and success come to be used in the service of destroying us in the end.
My N pulled the wool over my eyes and I did not see who he was until he moved in.
When we first met, one of the things I liked about him was that he was socially mobile, which is really important to me. He could come to a work event, food festival or nice restaurant with me, yet he could chug a beer with me and my college friends. I needed someone like that, and found that I was not compatible with other men I dated in that way, especially when it came to adventurous eating. I get invited to a lot of food events through work, and I was looking for that guy who’d be happy to be my plus one.
But as time passed, a while after he moved in, he longer wanted to go to events. He was more than happy sitting at home, all day, playing Xbox and watching porn for 8 hours, and drinking 20 beer or 2 large bottles of wine the whole time.
He started scaling back, and stopped going to events with me. He’d say he was having anxiety, he was too hungover, or not interested. He’d do this at the last minute, after we had RSVPd.
Social anxiety? Where the eff did this social anxiety come from suddenly, when he was so extroverted, the life of the party, and FUN when we met?
At this time, he was also isolating me from my friends. He hated my best female friend, demonized and vilified her, and threw a fit every time I talked to or hung out with her. Had I invited her to come with me in his place, all hell would have broken loose. I almost lost her completely, because it was just EASIER to stop calling her than deal with my N’s complaining and rage.
I noticed the invites stopped coming in, in both my professional and personal life — because I was having to call my friends and work contacts and cancel at the last minute, AFTER I already promised I’d show up. I’m sure I started to get a rep as being an ungrateful flake, by not showing up. And this is my LIFE — and the city I live is small enough that it’s REALLY easy to burn bridges in business, specifically my industry.
It got to the point where it felt like asking him to go to a champagne bar, a food festival my friend was hosting, out to a bar, or out to the beach was like I was asking him to go to jail. When he did come, he was not fun or engaging with people. He actually STORMED OUT of one event when the PR person was wanting to talk to me and meet him, because he felt the event was “lame” and that he was mistreated.
He also did this at a Farmers Market. He got annoyed that I was chatting with one of the vendors, asking about how he made his product. Anything I wanted to look at it, my N would PULL ME AWAY from the stand. He decided he was “done” with the Farmers Market and walked away and hailed a cab! He did the same thing at a COUNTY FAIR. He got overwhelmed by how many people were there, declared that he was “done” and wanted to leave.
Later, he actually started to cancel and flake on events at the last minute as a way to punish me when I upset him. And it was ALWAYS for the smallest transgression: I got annoyed with him and spoke up. He didn’t like the expression on my face. I got mad at him for something he did wrong.
There was an event I RSPVd for and looked forward to for TWO WEEKS. For whatever dumb thing I did to cause his narcissistic rage, he canceled on me, when I came home from work early to get ready for it! He canceled on me when I walked in the door.
Going by myself was not an option. He would have called the whole time, or accused me of talking to other men at the event. If I had came home tipsy, he would have yelled and started a fight. And when I did go out alone, I’d be panicked the whole time that he’d get black out drunk and run off or do something to the house (which had happened before).
That night, I became extremely sad when I realized I no longer had anyone to call to come with me. My friends, whether single or married with kids — would run to the phone when I called to invite them somewhere, knowing it will be fun, and would do whatever they could to come with me. Now, they stopped responding to my texts and calls — because my N isolated me from all of them.
My old, confident self would have said, “Okay, bye!” and gone to the event.I want to events many times before I met him. But my confidence was so shot at this point that leaving the house alone was hard. I was convinced I was fat and unattractive, and did not want to go anywhere glamorous alone. It was easier to cave in. He got me to the point where I was socially dependent on him and couldn’t do anything. He knew how important and how much going to these events meant to me, but he didn’t give a shit. That was my weakness, and boy did he exploit it!!!!
I know that it’ll come back around once I get myself back out on the scene and prove to the community here that I am NOT a flake and will show up when I am asked to come out. I went to my first event in a while just a couple days ago, with an old friend, and it felt AMAZING. It felt so NICE to talk to new people and not worry what he was thinking, how he was feeling, or if he was having a good time!
I guess my point is that once I started to realize my ex was an N that was doing damage to my work reputation, which I value a lot, is when I started to come out of the fog and into the light. My self-esteem, self-respect and health were not enough to make me see. But my career? Oh hell no. I worked to hard to get here. That helped me leave him.
When I came out and into the light, I realized one major about my N that I ignored: The real him, who he actually was, was pretty FREAKING LAME.
That man I met who I fell in love with, who dazzled everyone at work events, happily went with me on my Andrew Zimmern-esque food events and out on the town with, DID NOT FREAKING EXIST.
I instead was stuck with an alcoholic who didn’t want to leave the house, and was happy talking to his “friends” through his headset on the Xbox for socializing, drinking copious amounts of beer or wine and smoking weed.
The real him did not appreciate the fringe benefit of my job. So many other people that I’ve taken to events were very grateful. He expected it because he felt entitled. And when he didn’t want to go, that’s was it — didn’t matter how I felt or what my social repercussion would be.
I looked at him and was disgusted. I was no longer attracted to him because I realized I was with a petulant teenaged boy, not a 34-year-old man.
I could not, and cannot be with someone who was happy doing that all day, every day.
I’m curious to know if this is the case with most Narcs, or just the Inverted Narcs (which through this blog I learned my ex was): That they are actually, in fact, quite boring, vapid and FREAKING LAME. They are no where near the person they PRETEND to be and possibly want to be.
My ex can stick to his Hamburger Helper, casseroles and bad Chinese takeout. I’ll have the champagne. Without his sorry ass.
Thank you Savannnah for these articles that help me stay strong each time I find myself missing him I come back and remind myself of the dense fog that became my life… I almost lost everyone.. children, friends , my health , my sanity, and almost my job. I still ask God why? why did this happen to me as I loved him beyond any words in any language can explain. I want to heal and I am week 3 of no contact… its so hard at times because I see, feel and hear him everywhere.
I know he has moved on to his next supply and is probably saying and doing all the things he did to sweep me off my feet. sad thing is sometimes I truly pity him and than other times I want to hurt him so badly… but because I still love him ( the one I fell in love with) I cannot hurt him.
I just each day to make it thru and remind myself how truly blessed I am to be free.
My god another mind blowing article .. Just when I was feeling down and reminiscing about the good days and starting to miss him … I read this and I’m speechless … God bless you for helping us all
One of the best things I did in the early stages was tell my best friend everything about the relationship. I also asked her to hold me to account if it got to the point I wasn’t seeing things clearly anymore. It got to the point where she did. I also told my mum details. I must have had a protective instinct. It was like part of me wasn’t wanting to tell other people any of what was happening because I knew in saying it I would have to give up on the dream relationship I wanted it to be. But then my subconscious was making the words come out anyway, like I was overpowered by some primeval self protective instinct. Another good thing I did was keep records of all our communications, and note down all of his lies. It makes a novel, but it reminds me of how much I put up with and why I should not want to go back. My narcissist was textbook, broke up with me abruptly just before I was about to move to another country to be with him and get married. I know of more than 5 other people he slept with in our year long relationship and he would lie more easily than breathing. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive. I found Patrica Evans books on verbally abusive relationships and controlling people invaluable to be able to identify and understand what was happening to me and I strongly recommend them to anyone who knows something is wrong but can’t quite put the finger on the mechanics of how and why they are feeling violated, and in knowing how to powerfully react to it. This site has likewise been a clarity call and a message of healing. 30 days no contact today.
i cant get over the fucking years that he wasted while i was with him always ignoring him and then even after he discarded me and found someone that he perceived as better he wasted those years instead of us building on a relationship taking trips and planning a future he was doing that with another woman who he now calls his wife! he told me shes the most beautiful person to him and she makes him smile and all i can think about is what she has to offer him that i didnt-i loved him showered him with adoration attention did what he asked of me and still he slipped away with no explanation-just like that he dissappeared.Shes a doctor so obviously she has more to offer him- more money than me, a life of luxury, status things that matter to him and i guess he says its deeper than that.MY heart breaks everyday-im alone now sad i cry im lonely and as he always points out to me im not getting any younger. All i can think about is destroying his happiness i know he will eventually do that on his own but i just cant handle what hes done to me and taken from me that i feel like i can never get back -i want to cause him pain and anguish in his life and i want mine to go away -ive been unhappy for too long now.its not fair.i dont deserve this!
I was that woman who had it all, great career, house on a golf course, amazing children. After meeting my soon-to-be-ex (I will call him Mr Crazy), he swept me off my feet and after 3 months he convinced me to marry him.
He was charming and said all the right things, he had a great career and I believed it all.
It happened weeks after we were married, the craziness. that creates the fog. I was married to this foggy world for 6 years. I was living with and listening to a delusional, narcissistic man. The anger and crazy rages were frightening, and of course my fault as he blamed me for everything, even his words. He never accepted responsibility for anything and never apologized. When I tell my story, I know that if I were watching a movie, I would say “you stupid woman why don’t you get out of there” but it is not my fault. It happened gradually, I was in disbelief this person has an actual problem, a personality disorder, so I try to fix what is wrong but it is never good enough,I walk on egg shells and some how still upset him, I was invisible unless of course he needed something, I had no voice, unless he couldn’t figure something out, then he would take my idea as his own, I got ignored unless we were in front of others, then he was attentive for show, I some how allowed myself to be dismissed and disrespected in words and actions, I allowed Mr Crazy to be nice to others….darn right charming, then fly into a rage about something the minute we walk in the door, I allowed the irrational screaming and yelling I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and the more I tried to clarify my actions or feelings with Mr Crazy the more he would anger, I never knew what would upset him, one minute something was ok and the next day it was not, I hated the jokes at my expense, of course this was my fault… I was told I didn’t have a sense of humor and this too was my fault, I listened to him tell me it was my fault for the things he says because i caused the anger, he made me think I was the problem because he wasn’t like this before, I listened to him say horrible things, then later deny he said them, I stopped doing things I enjoyed because he would belittle them, I listened to the lies and wondered if I was wrong because quite frankly he is so darn emotional and passionate about it I questioned the actual truth….and I still love him. And he would tell me he loved me too.
There were those moments where life was some what loving. I have come to realize however I love the moments where things are good, but frankly, if I am really honest with myself it was always for his purpose, he probably never really saw me or loved me. He loves things about me because they serve a purpose to him. I also grew more and more afraid. I would write a letter when we would travel that if ever anything happened to me that the authorities should look at Mr Crazy. I was never touched, but I was afraid to sleep sometimes at night after the anger he displayed. There was probably more at work here than narcissism, but he wouldn’t go to counseling for any length of time to figure out the issues.
I am here to say I have filed for divorce, I too was scared, had been isolated from friends and family, and my career was brought to an end due to a condition caused by stress. I am here to say there is hope, join a church, find a support group, and save yourselves! There is life after mental and emotional abuse. In the beginning I was lonely, but I read, read healing books, ( Patricia Evans has great books on emotional abuse), I adopted a stray dog, I am working on rekindling friendships and relationships. and I am volunteering (I highly recommend this) I am separated 6 months now and he still reaches out but now I see it as manipulation ( and as another blogger called it a mind Fxxx ) and I do not respond. I am starting to see glimmers of my old self, and my friends see it too. Have faith there is a plan, God wants us to be happy and he didn’t put us here on earth to go through living hell. We only have so much time on earth, and living in a cycle of abuse is not acceptable. It is time women do something about this, bring it out into the light, learn something from it and do something good with it.
I am having a really hard time doing this. Mine was in the process of a divorce. Even though I “started” the “I can’t do this anymore” thing, he delivered the final blow by going back to his wife. He continues to contact me, tells me I am the love of his life, he will always love me, etc. The pathetic thing is that I want him to come back and hope that by going back with her he will see how valuable I am. I’m not dumb. Well-educated, professional job – but I KNOW that if anyone else said what I just said I would think she / he was an idiot!
I have read many articles and this by far describes how I exactly feel. I am caught in the haze and have no idea what to do. My ex just came back for the 4th time. My family and friends want nothing to do to me because they see the emotional havoc he was put me through. I’m afraid to let go of my ex. I have never loved anyone as much as him, but I also do not want a life of verbal abuse. He is in therapy but I can’t be sure if he will ever change. My gut is telling me no more but my heart still loves him. I am so depressed, so weak, I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Savannah, thank you for your blog and words. My heart goes out to everyone going through these evil relationships. No one can understand the horrible abuse unless you have been through it. I am finally finding the inner strength to leave the Narc I have been with for two years….I have suffered terrible emotional, physical and verbal abuse…. I have seen an awful side of humanity I didn’t think was possible…. I am in week one of no contact and trying too move forward as best as possible.
In the article you mention about men being that way but there are also women who control through narcissism. I have been married for over thirty years and am seeing things for the first time. When they refuse treatment it makes it even harder! Thank you for sharing!
There is no way for anyone outside of the relationship to understand the true evil a narcissist can wreak. The most important thing we, as the victims need to remember is we are kind, loving, giving, positive, optimistic people, and that’s why the NPD chose to feed off of us in the first place… I say NO CONTACT and let them starve! They will find a new source of supply, and as much as we hope they do not ruin someone else’s life, we know they will. All we can hope for is that they stop trying to continue to ruin ours even after we have drawn the line and walked away. Remember that those who choose to believe the lies they tell about you because you have said ENOUGH, are NOT the people you want in your life anyway, and quite possibly, if they are “friends” or family buying into the BS the N is telling them there is a jealousy, or other issue there that they already had with you.
Be strong, find your path, know yourself, forgive yourself, find new people that will love who you are and let the N have the dead end life he is destined to have this time around. Peace and love to you. You are fine!
Wow! This has helped me so much. My friends have been telling me for a while now that I need to get away, that I am not the person I once was. I try so hard to please this persona and nothing is ever right. I get ridiculed, rejected and made to feel small. My head knows that I need to go, but, my heart can’t let go. I am confused, depressed and a nervous wreck. I can’t eat or sleep and I have lost a lot of weight. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I get accused of not caring or having interest, and then when I try to say how much I care and show interest, I get rejected and then a silent treatment and distance for a few days. After a while, it is like nothing ever happened and I am supposed to just fall right back into line. If I get too close, I feel like a puppy that is being whacked on the nose with a newspaper to make me shape up.
Thank you for this blog. I am in the “HAZE” for 30 long years and you are right – everyone tells me to go out but i refuse to. The drama and pain have deeply penetrated my whole being. Nobody ever advised me to stay in a physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive relationship capped with sexual infidelity- he told me I HAVE NEVER EVER LOVED YOU for 30 years- now I fully realized he is correct and I have a word to call this husband of mine “NARC”. I have asked myself many times- what did I do wrong? I spend for everything,send kids to school and set up his business, and not get anything back… but still for one whole year he was cheating and has been telling me that I have never ever loved you and our mariage for 25 years is not true- I am not in my right mind he said. Thanks for opening up my eyes and mind and I hope I can really turn my life back and simply live a wonderful life- not walked on eggshells for 30 yrs. I hope God will give me more years to love myself more and enjoy life to the fullest- thank you is not enough for this article.
This is absolutely healing for me! I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster with a narcissist off and on for 15 years. I’m ready to take my life back. This epiphany that this man is a narcissist totally frees me internally. I now know this failed relationship was not my fault. I am not inadequate-HE IS!
“I was put in this Earth to be happy!” #loveit
Fantastic help…have been attempting no contact on and off for years and finally i have succeeded.
What a brave woman you are Lynn! I was really impressed when I read about how your ex treated you so badly and you perservered and received 2 degrees!! Bravo!!
I am trying to end a relationship with someone I do not like to label a NPD but he is definitely an alcoholic. I have to be as brave as you and you have it worse than me.
I have no children, just one dog, but the man that recently gave me th 5th silent treatment because I wanted to know where he lived and a commitment dumped me places such as cruises, and hotels. I am usually a strong person being a social worker but I fell hard for him. Now I realize he is just a con man and he has “other women” in his life.
I did make a good milestone in my recovery from him, I have a date with someone new, not real good looking but seems nice and I think this will help me get over and move forward with my NPD. I have had enough of the silent treatment, the temper tantrums and the lack of care and nurturance!!
At age 18, I married a narc for 17 years. I remember feeling so dazed and confused all of the time! When I finally left him, he told me that he would make sure I was living under a bridge. He is a divorce attorney (I put him through college and law school!) and he is a legal bully. He filed for divorce making sure the court date was on my birthday. He then told me he changed the date (he didn’t). He went to court alone and awarded himself primary custody of our children, the house (which is still only in my name and which he pays once every 6 months to destroy my credit), he awarded himself everything in the house, and 10,000 of my savings (while he made a lot of money, he never saved any money). He makes 180,000.00 as an attorney. I make 35,000.00 as a travel agent. He then awarded himself $800.00 in monthly child support. The most amazing thing is that he told everyone that I took “everything” from him! He also filed a restraining order against me sending it to an old address so I would again be a “no show” in court. He constantly manipulates our children and at one point was making me ask permission to see them on my court ordered days. Our son needed braces at age 12 and he refused to contribute anything. He avoids paying anything for our children by simply not taking them to the dentist. As soon as our two boys turned 18, he sent them to live with me and doesn’t pay a penny to help for college. I agree with the previous writer, the courts need to take in consideration the status of each spouse!
Happily, in spite of my narc’s best efforts, I was able to earn a bachelor’s degree and am about to finish my master’s degree. My first son will have his associate’s degree next year and my second son will start college. We are making it!
Fabulous…….the slow subtlety of change and the foggy morphing of your closest friend is what I have struggled with accepting……it ends up being a dramatic story that one goes ” I’m not that stupid to have put up with that”…and not many people write about the subtlety of it all. Thank You 🙂
Hello Savannah,
I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for your articles and this amazing blog. As i am from germany, i searched weeks for details about this topic and i found hardly something about nacissists. And now i found some amazing blogs, especially yours, and finally i found answers, and descriptions and i finally can understand. Thank you♡
I had five long unbearable years with mine, I finally fled with our 4 and a half year old son as I could not take it any longer because of how he treated our son. It’s been over a year now and we were so happy and at peace with our new lives, but as expected, he took me to court to see his son (as a show to his family and “friends” that he was “doing the right thing” and all that… Of course he showed the court his “perfect, sad, wounded” persona and everyone is on his “side”, now he is getting longer and longer visits with his son and I am so terrified for him. Nobody cares what I say, or even that my son said he doesn’t want to see him (he’s 5 and a half now). The legal system has made me feel worse than my Narc did, if that’s even possible!! They have betrayed us and I have been told repeatedly that my son would have to be harmed before anyone cares about what I am saying!! At least when we lived with him, I was there to protect my son. Now he is ON HIS OWN. I have no-one to turn to. I pray but I am just so afraid. x
I was simply taken by this.. awesum!!
Kate – fi you see this, it’s in response to your post. The same exact same happened to me. I’ve been struggling with no contact, and been contemplating responding to him. But your post made me realise I must not. He is evil. There are no mitigating circumstances. He knew. Thank you for your post. It has strengthened my resolve.