“Step into my parlor,” said the spider to the fly – is the opening line of a well-known poem by Mary Howett. The poem is a cautionary tale against those who use flattery and charm to disguise their true evil intentions.
This week I have received an all-time high amount of emails from people, who have expressed all of the horrendous experiences they’ve had with their Narcissist, but they all end it with either, “but he said he loves me,” or “but I still love him.”
But He Says He Loves Me
If I wanted to catch a mouse I wouldn’t use vinegar, I would probably use something that would attract the mouse, something it likes to consume. That’s a no-brainer right? So if I was a pathological, manipulating, egomaniac and I wanted to draw you in and keep you in, am I not going to say whatever I have to say, to get what I want?
If your Narcissist was himself at the beginning of your relationship, you would have never become enamored with him. If, as you’re walking out the door, he tells you the truth – that he doesn’t care about anyone and that he only thinks about himself – you’re going to leave – so of course he’s going to feed you a bunch of who-ha.
You aren’t going to stay and put up with his bull, if he tells you, “I’m a selfish prick, I only think about me and I’m not interested or capable of giving you the relationship that you want and deserve. So if you’re looking for that, I’m not you’re guy.” What he’s looking for and what you’re looking for are two very different things. He wants to maintain the status quo – where he gets to enjoy all the fringe benefits of being with you, while giving nothing or very little in return.
When you threaten to leave your relationship and he comes pursuing, if you suddenly think, ok now the shoe is on the other foot. I’m in control now – you’re dead wrong . If you’re involved with a Narcissist, you’re going to get a whole lot of sweet talk, followed by a brief period of better behavior and then it’s back to the same ole, same ole.
When a relationship is on the brink of ending and you’re having the talk – that’s usually when you can expect to have an honest conversation. That’s when you should both be able to assess the relationship and decide what’s best for both of you. This is what happens when you are with a guy that has a shred of integrity, but you’re looking for brutal honesty, from a guy that is a pathological liar – what do you really think he’s going to say?
You can bet he doesn’t want you to leave, but his reasons have nothing to do with love, so don’t be flattered. You’re probably an excellent source of Narcissistic Supply and replacing you is going to be pretty damn stressful and inconvenient, especially if he doesn’t have someone else lined up.
Even if you do end up leaving, him throwing in that, I love you, is bound to mess with your head, so it’s a win-win situation for him. He’s likely softening you up for his second act and believe me, he knows what he’s doing and the power of the words he’s using. They’re like Kryptonite to everyone but him.
When a Narcissist says I love you and you forgive him, it’s like he believes that a magical eraser has just cleansed the slate of all previous wrong-doings. If you think he’s contrite and he’s learned from his mistakes, think again. What he’s really thinking is some variation of – sucker, you’re so naïve – winning.
Consider this, if I punch you in the face and it hurts you and I make up a really good excuse and apology, you might forgive me, but if I punch you in the face again and offer up another dandy, you are probably going to be pretty hesitant to get in the way of my fist again. This is no different – how many times are you going to let someone figuratively, punch you in the face, before you realize that pretty words do not make up for ugly actions.
But I Still Love Him
This is another phrase I hear all the time. Have you ever asked yourself – what is it that you love? Do you love the way you’re needs are never considered and how he always lets you down? Do you love the way he makes you feel like crap and destroys your self-esteem? Probably not, so what is it that you love? Seriously think about this.
You can take your pick, but if you’re being truly honest with yourself, the answer is probably in here somewhere:
You’re stuck because you were sold a fantasy and what you got was more like a nightmare. You keep waiting for him to hold up his end of the bargain and deliver on all of the promises (future faking) he made at the beginning and a big part of you refuses to believe that you’ve been had.
You say you feel love for this man, because if you didn’t love him, you’d seriously have to assess what’s wrong with you and why the hell you were putting up with so much of his crap and you don’t want to look at you.
You love him, because you don’t love yourself and his poor treatment of you, makes you feel like you’re home. It’s what you know and where you feel most comfortable.
You love him, because you have very low standards on how you expect to be treated.
You may love him, because he’s attractive and you’re superficial.
You may think you love him, because he’s exciting, he’s a challenge, unobtainable and you really get off on the chase.
You may believe you love him, because you are a very dependent person and you’re afraid of being alone.
You may love him, because you have a victim mentality – you’re a masochist.
You may say you love him, because you believe you can’t or don’t deserve any better.
You may love him, because you are addicted to the drama.
You may love him, because you’re a fixer and you are addicted to broken men.
You may believe you love him, because you like to live in fantasy land.
If someone constantly disappoints you, hurts you and takes from you, that’s not a relationship – it’s a dictatorship. And if all they had to do was say three magical little words and all was well again – they will. A real healthy relationship consists of two people who show how much they care consistently and who both make deposits into the relationship bank. If one person keeps making deposits and the other keeps making withdrawals, you can be making deposits for years, but you’ll still probably end up in overdraft.
Understand that when someone wants to be with you, they will consistently make the effort. On the same token, if someone wants to use you and continue to use you, they will feed you honey or whatever lines they know you want to hear, so that you don’t buzz off.
I’m going to paraphrase and show you a few excerpts from a reader that I thought were brilliant:
Narcissists suck out all of your energy and take you to very low places… I stopped engaging, I blocked his messages, blocked his email, blocked all contact…I don’t hate myself when he’s not around…I don’t want to end my life when I keep him away from me… They’re sick people and we have to stay away for our own sanity!
Love isn’t supposed to hurt and have your stomach all tied up it knots – if it always does, it isn’t love. Believe that anyone can say I love you 1000 times, but it doesn’t make it true. If all it takes are a few sugar coated words and all is forgiven, you really need to raise your standards and demand more for yourself and from others.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – pretty words do not cover up ugly actions, so if you constantly find your relationship following along these lines, do what that reader did, take a step back, reassess the situation and you’ll find that you like you a whole lot better when you live by the adage, that words without actions don’t mean a damn thing.
Your Comments!!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH! YOU MAY HAVE SAVED ME NOT ONLY JUST FROM SEVERAL MORE YEARS OF TORTURE AND ISOLATION, BUT MOST LIKELY ALSO MY LIFE. GENUINELY, TONYA
Feels like I’m in a cement mixer. Same things, round and round, again and again.
Energy, joy, laughter, happiness drained.
The cryings, the pleadings, the beggings, the cussings…nothing changes.
Feeling lost, destroyed,.
Yet, while he’s everybody else’s hero, Their Mr Wonderful, I get the crumbs, if I’m lucky.
I try hard to hold on to who I am. I’ve been through a lot of horrible things in my life but being with him is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I guess he saw my pain. Perfect.
I took his words and everything he showered on me as HOME.
I didn’t know those pains were nothing compared!
Immobilized. Fighting for my sanity.
Drowning.
Trapped.
It’s Howitt
I thought this was very helpful. I have been struggling for a way to pin this down for a long time. I think i pick up projects and need to start treating myself as one.
One thing worth noting, i am a man and my narcissist is my wife.
Thank you for helping me see the behavior that underlies the toxic relationship with an outside perspective.
Am i crazy to question whether a narcissist can learn to be a healthy person? Whether i can have a normal relationship with them.
I have a 3year old daughter that needs me and i have supported my family up until about when i am ready to leave to protect myself from sinking lower. I have lost about everything i can.
wow this is so amazing
wow this is so amazing site
Wow. The winds of fate are blowing today. I just happened across this and BOY did I need to read something like this. I feel revived.
I’ve read several things about narcissists this article hit everything right on the head going to a point where I feel like I’m losing my mind everything that you said about him saying those words and expecting him to change or maybe you better
This blog was… how do you say it? Relevant!!
Finally I’ve found something which helped me. Cheers!
I read through Savannah’s posts and readers comments regularly… It keeps my head on strait, a constant reminder of how things were and to not dwell on how I “hoped” things could have been. Single can feel lonely and isolated at times, but so much better than feeling lonely, drained and miserable in a relationship!
mine dumped me first of june of this year. says it was ‘impulse’. we’ve had little contact but i did message him yesterday. he said he thinks about me more than i would believe. that he will never stop loving me. that he’s not with anybody else (he’s always had others on side-and event old me that he always would and that he couldn’t “love just one”) because he’s enjoying the freedom of not having anyone..that he can breathe. he has thousands of women friends on facebook. i think that attention is giving him what he needs. he’s a musician and believe me–they are the worst in general and you add covert narcissist to the mix..nightmare.
This is soooo insanely true. My ex has lied to me non stop, used me, stolen from me, emotionally and physically abused me, Yet *I still love him*. Why? Because I always felt like I had little glimpses into someone who would *change* but he never will. He has turned his back on me and his children too many times to count, until we get stronger and start moving on. Then and only then does he want us back. He tells me he loves me, I want so desperately to believe him, but I cant anymore. His actions are the exact opposite of his words. I have to start looking at his actions instead of listening to his words. I will move on, I will become the person I once was before him. I will not let our daughters be subjected to his cruelty and lies. I will protect them even if it kills me inside. They are better than me or him. They deserve to not be let down by him or lied to him. I just wish to God that it didn’t hurt so much. I wish to God he was the original person I fell in love with.
Yep, as I sit and cry, knowing the reality is something I’m going to have to deal with. The guy I met 8 months ago and fell so madly in love with , tortures me emotionally almost every day. He moved in with me after 2 months. He was living in the same house with his ex, but explained to me he was a broken man and she had saved his life. The were a couple 5 years( both very involved in local politics) then somehow when the love relationship ended, he remained roommates for 5 years. He told me early on that his only sex was on internet. That was new to me. Didn’t think I was naive, just never been in tuned to it. So after showering me with amazing stories of his past and talking of our future together, I became suspicious and he admitted he needed to ‘ get off’ and had gotten back on born sites… In MY house, while I was at work. I was still feeling like the strong woman I had become…so I packed his crap, threw it to his jeep and told him to leave. After 5- 6 hours he came back begging crying vowing that he never thought he could be so in love and he would do whatever it would take to prove his love. That was the only time has been back on born sites, buteverything else always turns into a battle. He loves to cook and xonstqntly asks me” what other man would cook for you every nite”? But the pattern he’s comfortable in is when he’s smoking pot and talking for hours about all the wonderful times his had in his life…always about his exwife and the ex girlfriend. He never asks about me, and I’ve learned just not to talk, because when I do he just seems disinterested. And now to sex. In the beginning, 1st 3 month, it was so wonderful..we were falling in love. But more and more, he would push away my advances…and I would confront him. Now after 8 months, he finds every excuse to not have sex…usually saying he’s too tired and too worried about sex..I have let him know I no longer feel I can approach him and I have to suppress my natural desires. He gets angry very quickly if I want to talk about anything that involves our relationship. He tells me not to worry…everything is alright and nothing will come between us. I did just recently begin to look at his phone yet. I see that the 5 year ex texts him almost everyday s.his driving to work. She gone into detail bout how her days are and that he news his help at the house. He says she’s like a sister and will never abandon her. I have asked him to please just ask her to not text so often, because its hurting our new relationship. He explains that he doesn’t want to hurt HER..a.n he doesn’t respond to all her texts. But he does acknowlege her that he’s gotten the texts, ask her how she ( and the dog) are and always promises her that hell come work at her house. He tells.me I’m just imagining things and theres nothing between them. I don’t think they still have a relationship…but I know they need each other. He doesn’t want me to be someone to have conversation with, just wants someone that will listen to him talk about himself. In just solo weary and so tired of his hurtful words when he doesn’t get his way. In very sad, I really thought I’d met the man I would spend my life with. But I read all the comments and I know I’m in the middle of a very hurtful relationship.
Im stuck and have kniw way out i know he is narcissistic. He have blamed me fir fuve years ive list my house my car my job my kid and it happen so fast I couldn’t stop it .I just kept trying to fix it. I thought it was pornographic addiction or bipolar disorder but deep inside I knew I just know I am screwed I have know way to pull my self out he is si cold and hateful. But still spits out I love you several times a day but shows me no love at all. I have told him I felt like killing my self he just said do it your stupid said im doing this by acting the way I do. He wasn’t this mean person when I first met him and now I don’t know how to get out I have told him to leave but he said no I love you and famous words he said a ” it will be alright” then ignores me all day and night. What do I do I’d leave if I had a place to go.
Thank you so much for writing this. I can’t tell you how much I needed someone to say this to me. I think the hard truths are the only way we can become better. Only I wish I could have read this years ago to save me so much heartache. Your article is helping me change myself for the better, I’m moving on from my narcissist and owning my part of a terrible relationship; accepting the mistreatment.
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I will connote to read this over and over at moments of weakness. It’s been 9 days no contact..I’m feeling better..stronger each day. Thank you again!
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You have no idea how it helped me. 🙂
My N never called me names. He did yell at me a lot. He had a very explosive temper. But he explained that by saying he is passionate about what he believes. He would tell me to help him. He wanted to change. So if his voice was escalating he would ask me too remind him to bring it down. He was good. I think he could teach master N classes.
After i moved out and told him i was done he begged and begged me to reconcile. I even went to see a therapist with him. He almost conned her with his tears. Finally i told her no i was not interested in reconciling. I could not forgive him for messing around with my grown daughter. I get sick every time i think i stayed with him after that. He was so good at justifying. Saying he was trying to get her to feel good about her sexuality. That she had poor body image as she is a bigger girl and he was just trying to help her. So disgusted that i bought his line of BS.
So he contacted me after i said no to reconciling to let me know he had been in psychiatric facility for a week and intensive outpatient program. He had a breakdown and now was a different man, had found his lord again. He uses religion a lot to make him feel like a spiritual person. He is really good at this facade. Over the past year while i stupidly tried to be a friend, he threw this breakdown in my face all the time as if it would make me forgive him.
He even had N supply in the outpatient program. A woman made a painting for him. He would get phone calls from several women from the program. It is all so sickening.
He truly disgusts me. I am not ready to forgive him yet at all. I am working on forgiving myself but no way am i ready to give him any forgiveness. I am one month no contact and it feels great. Once you get some distance between you and the N, it is amazing how much more clear you can see the situation. This Web site truly saved my life.
This article was so helpful to me. This is day one of NC. But he needs me, and loves me, he has no one else…..no more will I think like that. “I am his world, he is so in love with me and wants to marry as soon as possible” He has had 3 affairs on me, But has every excuse in the book to never have sex with me. Its his recovery from.alcoholism, his medication. Yet he was with someone else a month ago. Of course it was a nistake and will never happen again. Hes now homeless and jobless. “If I just let him move in he knows he can change being with the person he is so in love with” Not sure why I have been so stupid, and waiting and wanting anything from this pathological liar, but it ends today. Thank you!
Thank you for this article. 4 years wasted and wondering why this man act this way. Saying he divorced and going threw something. Saying he wanted to b happy and we can grow. After a while I fell for him. He was wonderful. But then he changed. Called me names. Curse me out. Anger was out of control. Talk to me like I was lower than dirt. Promised to help me and I would pay him the $$ back. He NEVER came threw. But he always helped other females that had a man at home. He says he like to help ppl. But he never was there for me. He said he had my back, only with 20 knives in it. Blamed me for everything. He did no wrong. Long as I kept my mouth shut and overlooked his flirting and sex talk to females and they would come back and tell me and he say they just mad cause I don’t want them. Or he don’t want them they lying. There was Lie after lie. Never was there for me. Borrowed money from me and swore to pay it back. Still have not received it. His son died.then he stopped all contact till he contacted me. He told me not to contact his cell he will give me the new number cause he is being in investigated and he don’t want me to get hurt LIES. 1 month later no number. He calls from a blocked cell saying his daughter has his phone now. He contact me. I asked r u still inlove with yur ex/wife. He slithered his way around the question. Told me his is inlove with me. I ignored his comment cause it’s a lie. If u love someone for real u don’t keep them in the dark. U take them in the light and respect them. I told him it’s yes r no answer he still wouldn’t answer and changed the subject to something else I did and hung up on me. All the promises, the pain, not being reliable and the hurt. I wish I had seen this years ago to help me with seeing the red flags of this twisted sick male. I never knew about narcessitc ppl. I’m so glad I came across this blog. Now I know I’m not the crazy one and I know what I was dealing with. Thank you
This is a great article. It’s hard, so very hard to just admit to oneself that the Narc ‘love’ was 100% fake 100% of the time. I went from ‘golden goddess’ ‘my queen’ etc etc to ‘whore’ ‘lying c**t’ ‘parasite’ ‘filthy c**k sucking tart’…you name it. Then the sham tears, the ‘I was angry, I was scared of losing you, I get mean when I love so much.’
I wanted to believe it. I did believe it for a while, but the actions never matched up to the words.
Half-assed Valentines Day & Birthday gifts bought at the 11th hour, calling me a stupid bitch, bruising my ribs & breast tissue so that I could not breathe….yet another friend took me to hospital not my Narc.
He would [had I permitted it] let me pay for everything, contributing nothing, vanishing to drink or just to give silent treatment.
The STI clinics I had to attend since he revealed having sex with other men [as well as women], the porn-like pressure for violent oral sex [where one feels choked], the obsession with bondage, anal sex & persistant violation of all of my boundaries.
I know what being loved feels like.
This did not come close.
My ex called me to tell me “I still love you, and I miss you. I felt like something was missing, it was you. When I say this I’m being serious, knowing you ,you’re probably doubting every word. I love you *my name*” . after his little confession and us talking on the phone for about 5 hrs, he rarely speaks to me now. That was almost a week ago. (4/5days)
Go excited for nothing i suppose
Just left an abusive Alcoholic that had me move in after 3 months dating. He has called me whore, slut, and so much more. Constantly calling me to see where I was, if I was home 15 minutes late I must have cheated. I started to have anxiety attacks so I left and moved my stuff out this week. He is blocked but can leave messages, that he does every day. I love you, please call me I’m going for help. I am done!!
5 years and a beautiful little girl who’s. 4. The first 3 months were amazing!
He told me how precious and beautiful i was. He told me i deserved so much better than i had previously been treated. I was smitten.
My previous marriage ended in suicide after 18 years of constant attempts and threats. nursing him back to life weekly. Literally. I told my new man my story. He said it was MY turn to be treated like a queen! (Omg, yesss)
I had my life in order when we met 5 years ago, son was on his own. I was free…niave!!!
Well i moved in with him after 4 months..
I was not told he lived with his mother and brother at 40 years old.
I was not told he was still sleeping with his ex wife. (Who JUST moved out)
I was not aware of his sexual deviance. His porn addiction. His strange love for himself.
Until…i stupidly moved in.
The first week i was here he accused me of snorting cocaine before i went to work at 1:30am.( I have sinus issues).
The second week i was accused of sleeping with my ex in the parking lot at my work.
The 3rd week he insisted i quit one of my 3 jobs. I did.
Week 4, He talked me into a new hair style, Make up, clothes. (Of course i thought it was generous)
By week 5 he was in complete control. He hated my old car (cuz he drove always) so he junked it without asking
And “gave” me a “much nicer” car that he would drive. And registered it in BOTH of our names. (Goodbye ME).
So three months later..
Im pregnant! He denied it was his. Accused me of sleeping around. Then Insisted on “being there for me” during the doctors appointments.
I had an emergency C section (im 40 and had no fluid left around the baby) i was in the hospital for 4 days.
He made me switch beds because mine was more comfortable!
He refused to help with our 4lb. baby GIRL. (He said he doesn’t Give girls, so it cant be his!)
4 days later he signed the birth certificate saying ” Well, she’s MINE now!”)
Fast forward 6 months, hes cheating and must get me out so they can sleep together “officially”. He finds an apartment for baby and i. Hes demanding i know nothing about raising a child (we both have 25 year olds…) and i know nothing about court and that HE “WILL HAVE CUSTODY”.
He invaded my email account and found i was chatting with a man ( he is with someone else, and we dont live together anymore) he accused me of posting pics of myself online…he did it!
His then girlfriend text me four pages of abusive words. Saying how pathetic, stupid, narcissistic I AM…
He uses the now 4 year old to scare me into doing what he thinks is “right”.
I am now at 1 job because its “only right” that I am the one who should pay for food, clothing, necessities, And daycare, health insurance IF I WANT TO WORK!
He will not and has never given the babe a bath, brushed her teeth, or brushed her hair..
I am solely responsible for MY decision to have a child.
Its been 5 years. Im numb..there is no “ME” left. I must go.
He senses im ready to go
He treats me “better” for a week
I rethink..
I love him?
Im SCARED of him.
I have no resources…he took them all.
But will never ever admit.
Says i gave it all up on my own
Is he right? Am i so dumb?
Will i EVER be me again?
Thank you so much for this article. He just moved out within the last hour (at my insistence) I was feeling bad, although I knew it wasn’t good for me and I have been going crazy with his back and forth behavior, everytime I’m done and I want it over he’ll be Mr nice doing everything right for a few days then back to the same crap. Recently he put out the three words that made me feel like maybe it could work…but never wanted to talk through it…I finally put my foot down. He left very messy cursing me and telling me things I need to do to myself which had me feel really sad and needing to understand if I’m doing the wrong thing…feeling guilty. ..but HELL no I’m not wrong…the he loves me portion fits our last three break ups to the t ..I’m over it …THANK YOU
Definitely my story. I grew up in a household where my actions were never enough. I’ve realized that is why I chose my narcissist because I was used to that lifestyle. I was so used to it that I let it get as far as bringing a child, now almost two into this world. I left the narcissist when I realized I was his personal piggy bank bringing my bank account to $2. Even knowing that our second child is on the way the narcissist cared less. Children nyreally make your world go round and I know this bundle of joy opened my eyes wide. I just keep telling myself I can do this for my children otherwise deep down I will break and go back.
I’m Sooooooo happy to have found this page/article… It’s fits the last 9 yrs of my life to a T!!! Once again, I’m the problem, he’s initiated the NC, with NO explanation….. Nothing!! Devastated, and don’t know where to turn to fix ME! I’m torn between feeling so helpless for him, to being so dangerously angry!!!
The behavior of these type of men can easily be confused with someone who has BPD, if you dont have enough information it’s easy to make the mistake. BPD suffers love you more than most people can imagine and lash out when they feel there’s chance of abandonment, real or imagined.
Oh, the realizations from feuding with blind love! Over and over again. In the end only finding yourself disillusioned and in pieces. My narcissist never thought or could admit his narcissism. Maybe a bit of a deranged mentality would be suggested, but he would only be flattered at the appeal of being “different”. There is no denying the rollercoaster ride I have been on.. The thrills, the laughs, the impending fear, and midnight struggles with tears and sometimes bruises. The fueled passion that consumed every blood cell, engulfing the bits of soul I had willingly offered it. It burning so quickly like shards of ash disbursed into the atmosphere… Never to be retrieved again. It’s painstaking to think it’s been less than a week since he’s left. I can only be consumed with quieting my delirium with alcohol and the occasional sleep aide. Only to see him in my dreams, frightened yet still intrigued.
Se la vie.
I cannot believe how lucky I am to find these amazingly accurate reads…every.single.one. Of them describes and clarifies my situation for the last 14months of my life…it’s so reassuring to know that I wasn’t being silly this whole time and that it hasn’t been my fault (contrary to what he tells me)…I feel so much stronger for reading thus far.Thank you SO much for helping me to break free from this jail of a relationship I’ve been in…I was so weak.
Lucy
Thank you so much for this information! I’ve been reading this website and others like it for a couple months now to learn more about the craziness that is going on in my life with this Narcissist guy I became friends with early 2014.
He totally did the whole love-bombing, engulfing thing with me — I thought I had found my soulmate. He became the absolute centre of my being and all my thoughts and actions revolved around him. I was always on call for him, always happy for any scrap of kindness he had to offer. I’ve learnt since that I have serious “fixer” mentality issues that I need to work on. In a way, this relationship has caused me to really analyse myself and realise that I have a pattern of being in abusive relationships that stem from my mother onwards.
As my eyes were open over the year to the lies and manipulations and the relationship-juggling that he’s doing, I am really amazed at the narcissist’s capacity to keep everyone spellbound. This guy has charisma on tap. To make matters worse, he’s new in the country — I introduced him into my group of friends early on and he set about creating a narcissistic harem in no time. I think that newness actually gave him even more of a free pass because everyone was going out of their way to be especially accommodating and helpful towards him. Now he’s living it up–people always want to spend time with him, bringing him food, taking him on trips, buying him expensive gifts, offering him places to live, paying for everything he needs basically and following him around like a little mini-cult (myself included although I’m really trying to put some distance now). But I know that feeling of excitement and danger. I understand that it’s an addiction and it’s unhealthy. I’ve spent so much time over the last year crying over this guy it’s not funny.
My REAL question is: while he was giving me the full narcissistic charm and lure and continues to do so just enough to keep me on his list, he has also, very curiously POINT-BLANK told me the truth about himself. But a lot of it happened at a time when I didn’t put all the factors together and have it coalesce as one nameable disorder. I mean, he has TOLD me he’s an a**hole. He has TOLD me he has the emotional IQ of a spoon. He has TOLD me he suffers from deep self-loathing. He has TOLD me all about his abusive childhood (from the sound of it his father is an A-class narcissist himself) and how he lost his mother at an early age. He has TOLD me that people tend to leave him. He has TOLD me he hates taking care of his body (he’s a cerebral narcissist and I know this is one of their traits which is a paradox because he’s also a dancer where your body is EVERYTHING). He does all of it: lying by omission, gaslighting, non-committal behaviours…THE WORKS. Why would he TELL me about himself? Does he want to be found out? Is it just another mental game?
I’m quite sure my friends are tired of hearing me talk about him. I know he’s the devil basically but I feel so wrapped up in him. I feel he has managed to implant himself into me so deeply, effectively replace bits of me with himself, that if I try to remove him I will actually fall apart.
These people are so sick and I am so tired. Yet intrigued lol. But ultimately exhausted. How to make this stop? How to really want it to stop?
I appreciate your feedback.
I am in a relationship for almost 10 years now with a man that I used to think was bi-polar, but now in receiving this blog from my girlfriend who is an RN, my mind is swaying. We have broken up twice within those two years, both with him throwing me out for many reasons I couldn’t and still don’t comprehend. He is amazing, I mean down right perfect, we talk future, marriage (although 10 years together there is no real ring)… But then ignores me, rude, puts the way I dress, act, my job, tries to break up with me, you name it, he ridicules me for it. I was raised to have the utmost self confidence. So, although it’s tough at times, I still know that I am worthy the love and the affection I deserve. I know what relationships are supposed to be. I also know my relationship is wrong, but I have tried to be with others during our break ups, and nobody can quite connect with me like he has… Am I crazy!? I am so worried about his heart and feelings… If I leave him, I feel like I’m giving up on something that has been so very important to me for so long… Like I haven’t done enough, I should have tried harder… Quite frankly, I’m lost!
I’m so grateful to have stumbled upon this site . THANK YOU. After a year of mental torment ,it’s such a relief to see these words in print. They are very similar if not Exact thoughts I’ve had about someone I sadly still love. It’s all a little hard to swallow to have my thoughts validated , creepy in a way, the man I loved was not even real.
Thank you.
I sat here shaking my head with a dumb smile on my face reading the “But I Still Love Him” section. EVERY SINGLE point is how I felt. I say felt because I finally ended a 2 year relationship with my Narcissist almost 3 weeks ago. He’s still trying to talk to me (we work together which makes it difficult), but I have blocked his cell number. I have no intention of considering taking him back and will continue to stay NC. The thing that made our situation worse somehow was that he is married. So he’s an extra-overt Narcissist because of what he did to me and continued to do with with his wife. I used to laugh (to myself of course) when he would ask me if I even thought of dating anyone else…because he hadn’t. I thought that was a very odd statement coming from someone who shouldn’t be dating ANYONE or thinking about it while married!
The most recent attempt at contact from him was a text asking me to please read an article on Psychology Today about Compatibility. I wonder how his wife would feel knowing he is still insistent that “we” are destined to be together and is trying to figure out where it all went wrong.
I’m finally FREE of all the bad feelings, walking on eggshells, being afraid that anything I say and do (no matter how completely innocent) was going to be misconstrued as being “wrong” in his eyes. I was so angry for falling for his lies and promises and continuing to believe them .. all while putting my life on hold being in something I was extremely ashamed to be in. I am in counseling now and am working to make sure that i don’t fall prey to another narcissist in the future.
Your articles are awesome! I am reading all of them! I’m so glad I happened upon this website!
I relapsed AGAIN after 7 months! Perhaps I’m sicker than my Narcissist. Living in my fantasy world…..
No your not, we love who we want them to be. Did you ever make it out? Im still struggling and could use some light at the end of the tunnel.
This article is very helpful to me.
I know this was written a while back, but i just came across it.
I think I have the very first reason: I refuse to believe I’ve been had. I’m waiting for shape up.
This was so good to read.
Thank you!
At least I know that I don’t love him anymore, but he still can get to me with a comment that I “over-reacted” and that it was all my imagination and now he’s changing that he’s getting counseling. Thank goodness that I have written journals for years and can see that I did not over react and it was not my imagination, and he has been “changing” for a full year now and is still a narcissist saying, “Step into my parlor . . .” and I had prepared to go No Contact in the last few weeks and now I know I need to and I have started . . .well, maybe only 5 hours ago, but I have started. To not do so, as you said, would be like an alcoholic going to a bar. Why make your life more difficult than necessary? Why decrease your chances of success?
The magic eraser analogy is fitting. Over the last few months I began to realize that I’ve been fighting the same battles for the last too-many years. He has systematically lowered my expectations since we were married in 1999, and being the OCD person that I am, I fell into the trap of constant monitoring. There is no sicker feeling than thinking that this time, maybe your search on a dating site won’t turn up anything, only to have your heart sink through your shoes when you see his smiling face looking back at you. For too many years, he made me feel like it was my inadequacies and my ‘impossible standards’ (loyalty and honesty?) that drove him to find less demanding partners. Thank God the reality set it the day I realized that his latest conquest, although 10 years younger than me, was a four-time divorcee with a dead-end job and a houseful of adult kids, who had no problem asking him for money (which he gave to her while never having enough to contribute to running our household). The icing on the cake was she was NOT as physically attractive as I am – shallow I know, but when you’ve been unfairly compared to airbrushed 20-somethings for so long, you’ll take whatever validation you can get. I realized that the inadequacy was not mine, and I will no longer give him the power to define my reality. The divorce is underway, and even though he swears that he is ‘a changed man, who needs to have time to prove his new nature’, he is still on the dating sites where he has updated his location to reflect his cross-country move, and just can’t maintain a phone conversation for very long without slipping back into his mantra that I and my impossible-to-meet standards drove him to continually seek the company of other women. Good riddance.
I have lost all my friends, cannot find a job , will loose contact with my kids……but I have put myself on a housing list(low income) and am just in the process of this. He knows, and really thinks I will be comming around to use the internet…..he offered it and also let me know he will keep the phone on for me. I do not get it. He makes me sick, I loved the mask not the man. He has from the start and it took me a while to see it, disgraced my name and has even threatened to kill me, if I told his family anything about our relationship. He is a perverted , mixed up beast. I have no choice to play his head game, but when I am approved for housing…..and it wil be hard…..yes, because I will be alone…..no money, no way to contact my kids, but via slug mail. I have died….I have died so many times inside. When I see him, after his long naps…….my stomach gets sick. TY for this article.
I was married with one for 10 years… I am grateful for the first few years we had together before our sons were born..
I moved out from our family home to a friend who is now my beloved & ‘normal’ partner through 4 years.
My ex took the boys out of school for a year to travel the world and settled in California (I live in the UK)…. I dued a thousands times in our relationship & he has hurt my soul so many times. I have cried buckets over loosing my Soulmate, best friend & Husband… All wrapped into one. But I am happy now with my gorgeous Man who just loves me for who I am and keep loving me… I now know true love. I will never feel whole as long as my children live with their Dad… I am afraid they too will be damaged! But financially they are better off with him and he is a wonderful dad in many many ways. Very loving and good at many many things… I am stronger now and actually live with them gor a month at a time when I go to see them… We get along ok… for the childrens sake. But I know that he is a snake & I will never trust him again…I can work with that for now, as I am now empowered and can stand my ground with him. I know he has lost several friends over there already but I dont feel It is my place to share his ‘disorder’ with them either!! Just glad that I got out in time to repair my broken self & experience true & wonderful love x
I needed to read this today to put my head and heart in proper perspective. Thank you- you nailed it!
Thank you! Thank you! I’m going to nail this on my forehead.
I will print this out and put it on my fridge, so I will see it each day. Having been married to a narcissist for 37 years, I have days when I miss him and wish I had my old life back. This article serves as a good kick in the butt or slap in the face to remind me that I’m lucky to finally be free of this sick man.
This article couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Thank you so much Savannah. Pretty words certainly do not cover up ugly actions and it’s so easy to forget the bad times when you feel lonely, scared and unsure about the future. The past seems like such a comfortable place at times, but we can’t look back, we have to look forward to the life that is waiting for us and let go of the life we had planned (or we think we had planned). I’m going to read and re-read this article until I can recite it word for word. Thanks again.