Loneliness is difficult at the best of times, but during the holidays, being alone can be excruciating for those attempting to put their lives back together. Going No Contact with toxic friends and family members is often a part of the healing process, while one learns who they want in their front row, who they need to remove and how to create and enforce healthy boundaries, with those that are left.
Many people adopt the strategy of Low Contact. This is a method of dealing with toxic people on a limited basis, saved for holidays and special events. It allows you to be included in the big moments, while keeping your involvement with people, you’d rather not associate with, at a very low and manageable limit.
Low Contact
The key to low contact is to keep your distance both physically and emotionally. Toxic people will always try to push your buttons, especially if they notice you’re keeping your distance. Expect to have to deal with them in some capacity. Keep in mind that there is a difference between acknowledging someone and divulging your deepest and darkest secrets.
When you’re face to face with someone that you’ve cut out of your life, and they’re putting on their nice face, to slip back into the familiar role of lulling you into the belief that you can confide and trust them, remember that you can never forget who they are and why you had to take such drastic steps to protect your sanity.
You don’t have to be obvious or rude, but you do have to protect yourself, so be mindful of what they’ve done in the past and behave accordingly.
This means that you do not trust them with your secrets, you don’t have to tell them what you’re up to, what your plans are and you especially don’t have to tell them about those things, in your life, that you are worried or concerned about. Remember these are people thrive on using your weaknesses against you. So you give them nothing. Give them the typical athlete response of saying something, while saying nothing at all.
You can be vague. You can say things like, “Everything’s great. We’re all doing great. Thanks for asking. How are you doing?” Narcissists love to talk about themselves so indulge that aspect of their personality, but don’t stick around for the novel. Get the Cliffs Notes version and excuse yourself.
Remember that they are always looking for some tidbit to exploit- GIVE THEM NOTHING.
If a Narcissist knows that you are purposely ignoring them and if you’re on their turf, they may try to gang up on you or get some type of reaction. Expect it and be prepared.
As a recovering Codependent there is a process of healing that one goes through, when it comes to someone purposely trying to hurt them:
- Their words and actions hurt you. You absorb the hurt. It bothers and upset you to no end. You may cry. You may try to prove to them that you’re not all of the horrible things they are claiming you are. You may beg, plead or try to reason with them so that you can gain their esteem.
- You become reactive to their attempts to hurt you. As a Codependent starts to heal, they start to stick up for themselves and they feel the need to lash out at anyone who tries to cause harm. When you’re reactive your behavior maybe over the top, mean and punitive. You will feel that you are justified, considering all that you’ve put up with from them.
- You don’t care. This is the level that you should strive to get to. They try to push your buttons and it has no effect on you. You may even smile at the attempt. You see them for what they are. You’ve reached a level of healing where you no longer seek external validation and you and your self-worth are completely under your control and determined by you alone.
Be vague and noncommittal in your dealings with toxic people. If they try to push your buttons, smile and don’t engage. Say nothing – not because you’re letting them win, but because you don’t care enough about them to engage with them.
Always have your own transportation so that you are not under someone else’s mercy, when it comes to determining when you get to leave.
No Contact – Being Alone
Sometimes being with your family just isn’t possible. All this Christmas cheer can be merciless when you’re all alone. Single parents may be on their off year, as their kids spend the holidays with their other parent or some may choose solitude over spending time with a Narcissistic parent or sibling. Either way you may find yourself alone with nothing to do and if that’s not how you want it, it may really take a toll on you emotionally.
There are always things that you can do to stave off the holiday blues. Here’s a few ideas:
- Hook up with close friends. Friends are the family you choose for yourself and they are certainly not going to let you stay home by yourself. I’m sure they are thinking the more the merrier and are happy to have you. Don’t let yourself think you are being a burden. Real friends will always include you.
- Go on a trip or a spiritual retreat. Yeah but who wants to go away alone? You might be thinking. I do my best thinking when I’m alone and in beautiful places. it let’s you recharge and put things into perspective. If it’s a spiritual retreat you’ll probably run into others in the same boat and you’ll likely be in groups and not alone at all. It’s a great way to make new friends and have new experiences.
- Volunteer at a Soup Kitchen or a Homeless Shelter. This really will put things into perspective for you and allow you to be grateful for what you do have, while at the same time, you’ll get to make a difference and put on smile on the face of someone less fortunate.
- Gather your favorite foods and drinks, stoke up the fireplace and do a movie marathon, or cuddle up under your faux furs and read your book. If you can’t go out or travel, stay in and do some of your favorite things.
Learn to love your own company and get into the habit of practicing self-care, even if it means being alone for the holidays. If you are able to maintain a state of Low Contact, remember to limit your engagement with toxic family members and to not fall pray to their attempts to get under your skin. If you’re not doing what you may want to be doing this year and not with who you may want to be with, it doesn’t mean that that’s going to be what your Christmas’s will be like from now on. It’s one year. It’s better to stay No Contact than to engage with people who are harmful to your well-being. On the plus side, think that with all the money you’ll be saving, you can buy yourself a sweet present, you won’t have a ton of dishes to wash and you’ll get to keep your sanity in tact, to boot!!!!!!!
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This is my 6th Christmas without the Narc. As I decorate my tree and house if I get a little sad or lonely , I remind myself how miserable the Narc was on holidays, complaining , being difficult… and I breathe a sigh of relief that all that negative energy is gone from my life . I feel the waves loneliness when they come and I remind myself that it is only one day out of the year, that life and my world go on , and tomorrow is another day of the week , and back to my normal routine . My adult children and I have developed new Christmas traditions which are nice and low key and don’t include any talk about the Narc . What helps the most when I feel sad or lonely is to think about how far I’ve come , how much my children and grandchildren mean to me , and to support and love myself in everything. And remember : it’s only ONE day .
spot on… love the “everything’s great. we’re all doing great…” so going to use that as my standard response.
Savannah, this was so helpful. I am in the stage of my recovery — mostly 2 but touching upon 3 — where I surprise myself by not being a little quiet mouse and sometimes react strongly. It is uncomfortable. Even just saying no is uncomfortable. But what I’ve noticed is that I now have a good habit of saying “I’m going to sleep on it,” so I at least know what I want or don’t want. I’ve gotten better at social pressure and my “nos” come a bit more easily.
The best of all was when I went to my father’s funeral (our family N and messed us all up pretty bad) and I knew to avoid my N youngest sister who enjoys hurting me. I did just as the article said: I was polite and minimal and didn’t spend any real time with her. There were so many people that no one probably noticed or cared and she was only able to get my goat once. It was upsetting but I just counted that as a reminder that my strategy was essential. There was no relationship to be had. Not the caring equal kind I now mostly have with several other siblings.
A lady at work is quite the bully and, like many bullies, has those whose head she chops off to feel taller. I had enough detachment to watch the HOW of her cruel little power trip and what I learned was this: I went in to her office for a signature and came in a bit defensive and with an explanation. The explaining gave her just enough info to use against me. Later, when I did my play by play review, I realized I had no real need to bring an explanation. Silence gives then nothing to work with. As with my sister, had I not said or done anything (I reached across to try to connect) she wouldn’t have had anything with which to reject me.
Silence is really the way to go. I’d rather look like a wallflower and stay out of the way of those cruel verbal barbs and on-purpose jibes than worry about presenting a me they can use against me. A difficult lesson at times because my healing is making me more and more prone to tell the truth and be myself. But I’ve realized these people are actually enemies. I was raised not to see predators as enemies because I was taught to be quiet, willing and sweet when it came to them. But now that I see them I am learning the skills to cloak myself and avoid damage.
I’ve learned to be alone and I really love it. What I tell myself when I get the lonelies is that I have never been as lonely alone as I have been with people who don’t want to (and probably can’t) see me.
Wow, that last sentence is so true! For so long I was afraid of the loneliness of abandonment until I realized how lonely it was being in a one-sided friendship/relationship/familyship—whichever applies.
So true thanks for sharing!!
This is going to be my 3rd Xmas post divorce and I am very much looking forward to it. I have to admit that the first one was a bit hard to go through but by now I love my way of celebrating or not, choosing activities and people and doing whatever I like and choose to do or not to do.
There is so much hype about Xmas and the importance of not spending it alone as if this one day in a year was crucial to sustaining western culture and the life on this planet. But it’s all nothing but a tradition, a beautiful tradition but it does not really have any hocus pocus abracadabra formula that if you don’t follow it diligently, you’re done, you fall off the life wagon.
Wishing you peace and internal happiness during this time!
Tradition, the media etc. has constructed a huge expectation of what Christmas “should” be. I couldn’t have stuck it alone to start with and I got good at finding relatively inexpensive ways of getting away (had to be arranged early in the year) did that at least five years, had some good times in groups with complete strangers and a room to myself for desperate moments.
This year is a measure of how far I’ve travelled the journey of recovery. I’m staying at home. My walking group has a programme over the holiday so I hope to wake up to a fine morning and go out with them. I’ve planned my favourite food, invested in a couple of half bottles of fizz, laid in DVDs and some good books. Even looked out my old tree and lights. The Narc hated those.
My family in this country is now small. I don’t see the one who has cut himself off and won’t see the one who is toxic to me. Will see the other two shortly before. Married friends with family did invite me. If I find myself wretched, which I don’t think I will any more, I can always visit them on 26th.
Two other things:
Volunteering on Christmas Day is popular, less so on any other. I think you have to start other times and work your way up, so to speak.
Not a family member but maybe a tactic worth remembering. When I came across the Narc, he asked what I was doing. I said, ‘Oh, all the usual stuff.’ It put the ball in his court to remember what any of that stuff was which he plainly didn’t even though a big part of our life was a shared hobby. It wrong footed him in front of others and was ample demonstration if I needed it of how little he was or probably ever had been bothered about anything concerning me. I wasn’t about to listen to his bragging and carry on so it was a short conversation.
Have a good one everybody and thank you once again Savannah for continuing to write this oh so valuable blog.