When I choose a blog topic I usually get my ideas from reader emails, research, books that I’ve read, or experiences that I’ve had. This week something interesting happened and I got to kill two birds with one stone.
***
It was cold and damp on Thursday evening and I decided to make my way to the local coffee house. I had a ton of reading to do and I had been stuck indoors all day, so I decided that I needed a change of scenery and a delicious, warm frothy beverage.
So, as I’m waiting in line for my Caramel Macchiato I spotted him. Sitting in a big comfy chair there he was, Max in all his handsome glory. Max is very attractive, tall, totally buff and a classic and I mean classic Somatic Narcissist.
The thing I like most about Max is that he is a self-aware Narcissist. He can read all about Narcissism and identify with it. I of course led him in that direction after witnessing the same destructive behaviors over and over again over a long period of time. I haven’t spoken to him in ages, but he knows that I write a blog on Narcissism, Self-esteem and dysfunctional relationships and we’ve had plenty of conversations about all of it.
His face lit up when he saw me and I walked over to where he was sitting. We did the perfunctory small talk and then we settled into a pretty good conversation. As he revealed some of his inner most thoughts I started to think that this would be a good opportunity to get inside a Narcissist’s head and ask some questions that consistently show up in my inbox.
With his permission I pulled out my phone and started recording. Below are the transcripts of the pertinent parts of our conversation.
Sav: So are you seeing anyone right now?
Max: Yeah I’ve been seeing someone for about 2 ½ months.
Sav: Wow that must be a record for you.
Max: Haha – No she’s amazing. She’s my best friend. I feel really comfortable being with her. But that’s not to say we haven’t broken up about 80 times already.
Sav: Oh no – here we go. Why is that?
Max: You know me. I need to have other girls in my life. My girlfriend has dumped me so many times because of this and I can’t stop. I don’t want to.
Sav: What is it you can’t stop?
Max: I don’t know. I like it when I know girls want me. I love attracting people. It’s like currency to me and I feel rich. I have so many girls talking to me right now. It’s an endless supply of wealth. It will run out one day, but until then…
Sav: So you cognitively know that the attention these other girls give you means absolutely nothing right?
Max: Yup.
Sav: I always tell people to stop seeking external validation from other people, that you and you alone are responsible for your self-esteem and your self-worth. Does that register with you at all?
Max: I don’t know. I just know I feel better when girls look at me and flirt with me. Knowing they want me makes me feel like I mean something. It’s like oxygen for me. It keeps me going. It’s a constant need. I think it would be easier to quit smoking, or crack.
Sav: How do you feel when girls aren’t paying attention to you?
Max: I feel worthless. But that hasn’t happened in a while.
Sav: Do you feel anxiety when you don’t have a woman’s attention?
Max: Yeah.
Sav: And when you get attention does the anxiety go away?
Max: Yeah. But I feel the opposite way too. Like if I have no attention, or too much, I get overwhelmed and I shut down.
Sav: What do you mean you shut down?
Max: I just have to get away and be by myself. I like to be alone a lot.
Sav: So how soon after you get attention do you require more?
Max: Minutes…hours, it depends.
Sav: I guess what women, that read my blog, really want to know is that you’re doing all this hunting while you’re in a relationship with someone right?
Max: Yup.
Sav: Aren’t you at all concerned with how your girlfriend would feel if she found out, or don’t you care?
Max: She does know – sort of. That’s why she keeps breaking up with me.
Sav: But don’t you care if you hurt her?
Max: I do care. I care a lot. I just can’t stop. I hate it when she’s upset, but my need for other women supersedes any damage that I might cause. It’s not like I purposely go out of my way trying to hurt her. It’s not my intention. It’s just the result. She does keep coming back though, so she has to be okay with it somewhat. She knows what I’m like.
Sav: Why do you think she keeps coming back?
Max: Probably because I don’t let her go. I don’t want to lose her. I love her, so I say stuff, to make her stay.
Sav: What kind of stuff?
Max: I don’t know. I tell her I’ll stop and just be with her.
Sav: So every time she walks away from you, you pull her back with fake promises, knowing full well that you can never give her what she needs? That sounds pretty selfish.
Max: Yeah I guess it is selfish, but I need these other women, because she doesn’t satisfy me sexually.
Sav: Okay. Wow. Does she know this?
Max: No she has no clue.
Sav: I read somewhere that Narcissists have this Saint/Whore complex where women are concerned. They have a hard time being sexual with women they care about and they can’t care about those that they are sexual with.
Max: I guess.
Sav: You said that you love her and yet you continue to cause her pain, lie to her, mislead her, cheat on her. How can you love someone and still behave that way?
Max: I don’t know. I don’t want her to go. What I’d love to do is be with her, have a family with her and still date other girls. (laughs)
Sav: Ha. Good luck with that. But I want to get back on this topic of love. Some people define love as wanting the other person’s happiness more than you want your own. Under this definition you couldn’t call what you have love.
Max: No I guess not. But love is a feeling and I do feel love for her.
Sav: Explain what you feel. What is love?
Max: I don’t know. I care about her. I don’t want to lose her.
Sav: Some say that the closest a Narcissist gets to love are feelings of obsession.
Max: I don’t know.
Sav: Don’t you think she will get tired of this rollercoaster ride eventually and leave? Then how would you feel?
Max: To be honest. I’d feel sad and relieved.
Sav: Relieved? Explain.
Max: I’d feel relieved, because then all the fighting would be over, and then I could do what I want.
Sav: You mean all the expectations of you having to act like a decent human being would be over and it sounds like you do what you want anyway.
Max: I know I must sound like an asshole, but what can I do? I wish my brain would shut off. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I can’t stop it. I can’t turn this off. When other women give me compliments and attention they’re like trophies I can collect. The more I have, the better I feel. It fills me up. You told me I’m a Narcissist and I read all about it and I don’t disagree with you. I fit all of it, then it says there is nothing you can do about it, no cure. So what am I supposed to do, die? Sometimes believe me I wish I could. I’ve always felt different. I’ve never fit in and I’m always unhappy. Nothing satisfies me. Who the hell wants to live like this? I’ve already been on medication for anxiety and depression. I have no interest in being on anything. It kills my sex drive and I don’t feel like myself. I’d rather be this guy (pats his chest) than some weird clone of myself.
***
I thought it was important to post this because it’s easy to get caught up in text book definitions of Narcissism, but there’s a totally different perspective out there in the real world. On paper Narcissists can appear to be so evil and it seems so clear cut like it’s all black and white, but there is so much grey in a Narcissistic relationship and that’s what keeps countless people hanging on.
It’s hard not to like Max. He’s charming, good looking, a shameless flirt, funny and intense. When we see a Narcissist and we listen they do seem compelling, completely human and even logical at times. It’s easy to believe them, trust them and even feel sorry for them.
Even as Max was talking about his needs and his inability to stop his compulsive behavior I could see from his point of view how all of it makes perfect sense to him. It is very easy for him to brush aside the feelings of others, because his compulsion is the biggest thing in his life. It’s all he sees and all that matters to him. Feeding it is the only thing that makes him feel his brand of ‘normal.’
It is often very hard for me to bite my tongue when we speak. On the one hand, I do feel sympathy for him, because I know he wishes he could be different. But on the other hand, I have to look at it in the same vein as if he was a serial killer, or a child molester. These people have compulsive thoughts and behaviors that they can’t control too. It’s your life or your innocence for their gratification. For a Narcissist it’s your pain and anguish for their gratification. This is a sickness and no amount of understanding, or sympathy makes it hurt any less for their victims.
Hurting people, lying and manipulating for personal gain is evil, regardless of the circumstances, face, body and charm that goes along with it. When I was in University I wrote a 40 page paper on Psychopaths in my senior year and I got to interview a clinically diagnosed Psychopath in prison for my research. He wasn’t a killer, but he was a thief. He was arrested for breaking into someone’s home and trying to steal their valuables. I’ll never forget two of the answers he gave me.
Sav: What was going through your mind when you started thinking about breaking into that house?
Inmate: The theme from Mission Impossible.
Sav: Didn’t you think about the people whose home it was? What this would do to them? How much it would hurt them?
Inmate: Hurt them? I wasn’t going to hurt them. I was just going to take their stuff.
Just like a Psychopath, the emotional anguish a Narcissist puts his victims through doesn’t even register to them. It’s not even on their radar and even if they do see it – it’s of little concern. Their entire focus is always on feeding the monster inside.
So, if you are looking at your mate wondering are you, or aren’t you a Narcissist? Strip away everything that is superficial and really look at what’s left. You don’t need to be a forensic expert to see where the emotional residue will lead.
Your Comments!!!!!
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Savannah, thank you for the amazing work/insight into the mind & life of a narc. I could just change the name and it would be the narc I dated. I keep this article and several others in my faves as reminders… And, thank you so much for giving us all a place to comment and come together – if someone hasn’t been through it, they have no idea.
Blessings <3
Wow! This was such a different level of thinking about this . Thank you for your ability to show the humanity, the real for these Narcissistic people. Yes there are grey areas, I hadn’t thought from this angle previously. Possibly, undstanding effect may be out of the Narc’s wheelhouse.
Keep up the work…you are providing great insight.
Wow. IT’s a neurological issue. I really think it is in the brain. A recent German study showed a thinning in an area of the brain and they believe it is tied in with narcissism.
The compulsive behavior is so complex… the chemistry in the brain or a lesion in the brain and even anti depressants can spur compulsive behavior.
Thanks for this great article, Savannah. I appreciate your work.
I have been bullied and harassed for 42 years. I didn’t know until about 5 or 6 years ago the force behind it was called narcissism. The narcs Ive seen over the years tell there story of abuse and try to out do each other. And how if they are abuse they say they are done with them. And say can you believe what they did to me. When that is what they are doing to everyone else. They are big ass fault finders. And I am going to be bullied and harassed for the rest of my life. But all you guys are taking it and so will I. Peace and love to all the targets out there!
This article is just what I am looking for…it truly gets into the head of the narcissist…because, yes, they don’t come off as ‘evil,’ quite the contrary, they are seemingly everything I desire. Until the mask slips, and then they are so practiced at overcoming lies, professing un-dying love and instilling self-doubt in myself that they win chance after chance. Each time they are given a second chance or third or more the trauma bond and addiction to them is strengthened. Your article exposes the fact that what they have ‘misnamed’ LOVE is not love at all. They mistake OBSESSION for love! It is the CLOSEST a narcissist can get to love…BUT LOVE IT IS NOT! Thank you for this important insight into the mind of the MONSTER.
I would think Max can be helped if he is willing to get the help and stick with it. I think he is farther along than most N’s. I’ve been with my N for 3 yrs, married for 9 months. Every now and then I will throw out things I learn and ask him if he feels that way or thinks that way. The most I have gotten back is somethings and when I asked which part all he said is the having something happen to him as a child. Even though he is fully aware that there is something wrong with his brain.
Btw, when I said ” needy” women, those were his words…but he would always be there for women who were going through an emotional upheaval and were in “need” of a hero on a white horse, and there he was……
Exactly what I dealt with. He even used the words, he didn’t want to lose me…..yeah, but, he wanted the admiration of needy women, who revered him as a wonderful man. He was just helping them with their self esteem, all the while ruining mine, and making me out to be insecure and crazy…..good riddance, finally, after reading these articles. Ugh, hate i wasted so much emotion and time on him.
I deeply appreciate the blogger AND all of your replies. Reading through your stories is validating and healing. Much, and deeply appreciated…. N-Free
After countless hours of reading and trying to make sense of all the crazy; these words are what has finally resonated with me; “For a Narcissist it’s your pain and anguish for their gratification.” Thank you, thank you, thank you!
My H has had multiple affairs, emotional affairs, and the need to have women in his life. I have been in an emotional turmoil for a number of years. He has no regards to my feelings or communication. When I try to voice my concerns, or hurts, he talks over me and does not allow me to voice my concerns. Right now he talks numerous times a day, texts, and long phone calls at night with a female friend, who is a friend with both of us. The amount of time he spends in conversation is getting so upsetting with me. I have become an emotional, raging, angry person and I do not like the feeling
My N is just like Max…good looking, charming, very stylish, funny and flirtatious. He also was addicted to his harem for his oxygen. We fought about it for 7 years. He flirted like crazy right in front of me. He always was looking all around him wherever we went to see who was looking at him. The N is a master at justification. So much so that they believe what they are saying. So much so it makes us codependents doubt our own thoughts and beliefs. He never did anything. If these women fell in love with him there was nothing he could do to stop it. If he didn’t act on it, then he did nothing wrong. I know better now. It all was his sickness, his condition. It all had nothing to do with me. Due to this Web site i know exactly what was going on. Lie after lie. I will be eternally grateful to Savannah for sharing this information that litetally saved my life. I know i would have physically died of o stayed with him. I’m on 7 medications for blood prrs6sure, diabetes, acid reflux and depression. I was not only dying emotionally but physically.
Thank you. This is EXACTLY the kind of dude I “dated” and finally dumped 2 months ago. Amazing to see his answers here. SAME. THING!!! So glad I got out!!
I spent 15 years in a marriage, thinking I was failing, until I realized that I was married to a narcissist. I supported him and had 3 children with him, all the while thinking I was doing something wrong… just frustrated and resentful all the time. Nothing worked.
He never had a regular job after our first child was born 4 years into our marriage. He cheated on me constantly. Created relationships with all types of women all over the country in email, facebook, and other profiles. He couldn ‘t stop himself.
When I would find communications between him and other women he would tell me I was overreacting because it was just fantasy and he loved me.
When I would catch him, he would say he was glad I knew the truth so that now we could move forward with a clean slate, and him relieved of his guilty conscience. But it happened again and again.
I left him once I realized I didn’t need him in my life, and he was damaging to me.
To this day, 5 years after divorce, he still tries to tell me I’m the only woman he ever loved and all his girlfriends know it. LOL He is pathetic. He still goes from one woman to the next and still doesn’t work.
He believes his own lies and has his own version of reality.
If i didn’t have children with this man, I would do whatever I could to never see him again. He will still try to show up and do me favors. I know this means that he will soon be asking for something from me.
6 months ago, he thought it would be nice to help me and the kids move. After the move was done, he tried to assume that he could move in to the extra room. When I said no, he said I was greedy and selfish and wouldn’t give him a break.
Oh my goodness! WOW! I am sitting here stunned at what I just read in both interviews with Max! Exactly what I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around and comprehend for 5 months since separating from my husband who acts just like Max!!!! Now I understand better why he won’t let me go and why I found so many pics of his d*^ck! He keeps saying he loves me and he has stopped but I continue to find out things! I just couldn’t understand some of it! I agree with a comment above—- more interviews with Max! WOW ! Great articles Savannah! I can’t stop reading them!
I have read hundreds of articles but this interview was the most insightful and cathartic information I have received. It helps me understand the narc mentality. Max sounds exactly like my narc (if he was self aware enough to express his thoughts). PLEASE do more interviews with Max. Thank you!!!
Sav: Explain what you feel. What is love?
Max: I don’t know. I care about her. I don’t want to lose her.
Over and over, when asked about how he feels for her, he refers back to himself and his own needs as he does in the example above. How is the response to “What is love/what do you feel for her” believed to be “I don’t want to lose her?” by him?!
Love is not a feeling, it’s what you do, it’s a verb.
Great article!
Thank you for writing about this insidious,and devastating personality disorder. I was with mine for only 6 weeks and it started out so intense and I really though he was the long awaited ‘one’. After 3 short weeks of ‘bliss’ his mask dropped practically overnight. It took a lot of strength to call him out and expose him for the evil person he is. As my friend said about the ‘great guy’ in the beginning..’Oh, he sent his ‘representative.’ Yep, and man was I enthralled with that representative. But when that mask comes off, and it always does, look out! But mostly…RUN!! It will not get better. I ended up speaking to his ex gf that he always talked so negatively about. Sure enough it was him who was the psycho. She caught him cheating and he tried to ruin her personal belongings, her career, and her self esteem in the disastrous 8 months they were together. He was mooching off of her because she is wealthy. She said to me ‘Be glad u figured him out in only 6 weeks!’ For some reason I still, to some degree, mourn the ‘nice’ guy that first showed up. I just have to keep reminding myself that that person was not real and would have never showed up again even if I had hung in there. I’m glad I ‘gave up the ghost’, and am a better person for it. It’s always so nice to read these articles that get it dead on. Your blogs are especially good. By the way, mine was a definite somatic narcissist. The worst kind! During the devalue stage their only real ammo is to zone and put down whatever physical insecurities you may have. Ruthless, calculative, and just plain cray cray. Stay strong any of you going through the narcissistic nightmare. The only answer is to truly get away and find your way back to feeling whole. Time heals all wounds. Even the narcissists. Don’t give them anymore of your power as this is what they feed on. Ii was actually quite freeing to expose him. And it’s true, they throw a tantrum and then run. And mind you, during the tantrum, it’s like a tone of disbelief(cause they always think they have you wrapped around their finger) and ‘how dare you!’ LOL ~I wish you all Love, Light, And Laughter~
I have been in no contact mode for 4 months now from my N. Had 3 different counselors tell me he is NPD. I love him and hate him @ the same time. It just feels awful and I’m so sad. As for him you can be sure he has moved on to his next victim. He ruined me.
I believe that the internet and social networking (and online dating) intensify narc tendencies. Online dating, in particular, is a playground for Narc men who enjoy the steady, reliable and constant source of fresh supply.
I have had an on off relationship with a n for 14 years now. Got married during this time and he left and came back every year, except for one spell where he managed 18 months. I have lost count of the other women. We lived together more than 3 years ago now and he is still flitting back when he breaks up with the latest woman. This website has been a revelation to me as I just could not understand what was going on. I truly believed that he loved me the most and that is why he kept coming back!! Oh what a fool I have been. He has got me into loads of debt as well.
To finally find out that I am just one of his harem women just fits the picture and this now frees me to move on. Thank you so much.
I am happy but sad to hear others going thru this. I read a lot of women who got out after a few months or a few years. But feeling lower than low and refusing to call myself a victim I have done this off again on again “relationship” for seventeen years and what I allowed to happen is unreal. I lost two homes my health, my job, saving, and retirement annuities. I am basically a charity case while he sits in rule of everything in the home I saved from foreclosure three times. I will never have my own home again. Credit ruined. I have not had a stable place to live in over 5 years. I was set before him i had it all, a great job, savings a loving family and he slowly took it all away, Now I can’t even afford to go to lunch with afriend and if I did he would find a way to ruin it. Once he kicked me out after talking me into moving in with him in his driveway with a uhal and one shoe with no regard to what I would do. And I’m still with him, he set me up several times to put me in a position because “I needed humbling”. I see no way out I don’t see tomorrow and I had my life planned out. I can’t get back any of it I’m to old to figure it out and my doctors won’t allow my back to work. If a friend told me any one of the things he did I would insist they end it, he left me once took everything including my dogs days after loosing my job and my first chemo treatment. I collected tin cans with my bald head to eat so I’m the very sick one. I am glad Im not completely alone. I am fortunate to have someone rent to me at a rediculously low rent but her health is bad so I’m always on edge of being homeless again.I see a psychiatrist but no therapist will see me so I’m grateful for this site to help me understand a little better
My current girlfriend of just over 13 months had sent me a link via text message in conjunction with the following message:
Maybe you should give this a read. You don’t seem to want to speak to me about what’s going on or how each other feels so maybe you’ll find it easier to read from someone else. Alot of it is what I’ve been trying to say for a while now. Even scoffed at the crumbs part.
That, word-for-word, with the link. The link sent me to a
recent post of yours; The Three Phases of A Narcissistic Relationship.
I read on through your post, basically nodding at each part. Agreeing with myself that this was in fact each and every one of my previous relationships along with my current one, currently in the Devaluation stage.
She had told me prior to this, multiple times that she believes that I am a Narcissist, with traits from both Cerebral and Somatic.
After reading through other posts from you previously, I have no convinced myself that I am a Cerebral/Inverted Narcissist with quite a few Somatic traits as well.
Coming to this conclusion, to be as honest as a Narc can be, was frightening. I thought “Is my life really that simple, is this what I am. Have I become this, or was I simply unlucky.”
Many, many more questions poured through my mind. None more immature than the last. Looking back onto it all my life seems pre written.
I’ve previously contemplated suicide as a young adult, but this struck hard. I didn’t want to do this to any one, any more, specifically my girlfriend. I feel as if I’m now a robot. I crave the attention still from others, sometimes my partner bores more and I cannot obtain supply from her so I seek elsewhere. I have not cheated on anyone, I merely flirt with others to gain small amounts of supply.
Upon writing that last small sentence a huge rush of anxiety built up through me. Am I really that disgusting that I cannot live my life without this much needed “Supply”. I’ve never even thought about what I do, it just happens. I go along with whatever feels right.
Putting all this in writing makes me confused, especially when I read back over, look for any mistakes. Hello, OCD. Although there quite possibly will be some mistakes there, I have given up.
I need help.
I cannot live my life like this anymore.
What can I do, though?
So glad I found your blog. I write about codependency, and acoa issues. I am a Life Coach who specializes in helping others heal childhood trauma…especially related to being raised by self absorbed parents. I find that codependents (needy–in need of love/acceptance) attract narcissists like moths to flames…While one is ready, willing and able to give love away–the other is all too willing to take advantage of it…You are doing great work here…
Namaste…
My brother has been controlled by a female narcissist for twenty years. He’s given her everything he’s got and she constantly runs him off only to bring him back for more narcissist supply.
My divorce from my N husband was final yesterday morning. A part of me aches from pain and sadness as I dearly miss the man I fell in love with. But I despise and hate the man who took my family and friends and essentially my life away from me. My therapist says my destiny is in my own hands. He is poison. I know this is true and I am moving on. These articles and comments help trumendousley. Thank you.
When you expose the “mask” and the false self – they will run for the hills – He changed me into a horrid person. ThankGod he didn’nt put me into mental home like his ex-wife. Feel Sorry for the OW – feel like warning her but he is still marrried to me – let her find out for herself what it is like. Karma will Reign.
You are truly a gifted writer. Completely intuitive, you know EXACTLY what to give your readers. Honestly, you need to put all these blogs into a book. You are amazingly in tune with your audience, engaging and approachable. You have helped me personally so much. Publish. Book. Immediately. Not kidding! Now!!
Thank you for your blog! My counselor believes my husband has NPD, but I’m confused-he doesn’t have affairs, (as far as I know, hasn’t ever in our 20 year marriage). In fact there has been very little sex with us. His other behaviors, however, seem textbook narcissistic-demanding center attention in social situations; jealous, suspicious, angry and controlling of me.
Are there narcissists who don’t cheat?
Yes Abby – absolutely there are Narcissists that don’t cheat. There are shy, quiet introverted ones, loud obnoxious, extroverted ones – cerebral Narcissists, somatic Narcissists … they are as varied as there are different types of personalities. Many do not cheat and don’t like sex at all and could be called a-sexual. This particular interview was done with a Boomerang-Somatic Narcissist.
Abby, millions of marriages have a closeted gay spouse. I would think you may be living as a closeted Straight Spouse. If something does not feel right it’s because something is not right. Your post is from 2014. He is having sex somewhere. I am sorry. Ck out Straight Spouse Network.
Best article yet, Savannah. Thank you so much for writing these blogs, they have been so helpful in my healing process. I am 1.5 years narc free, but am now identifying more in my life after having my eyes opened by a textbook narc relationship. He was a doozy!
Finding that some of my friends have narc tendencies, too. I’m in the process of setting up boundaries so I look less enticing to them and I’m removing all the narcs I can identify. I feel like I’m a magnet for them. Trying to rise above it.
Thank you, again, you have no idea what a positive impact you’ve had on my life.
After reading this, I have come to the realization that I am a Narcissist. I think I’m going to be sick!
This is precisely the type of article i have been looking for to find an understanding from the narcissist perspective. I have read endless books, blogs and articles to breathe tgrough this pain ive experienced and find a way out through knowledge. This interview is almost chillingly accurate to my ex. It’s really haunting me today as I’ve read it at least half a dozen times. Though i wonder if he read it, would lightbulbs go off? Would he recognize himself in Max’s voice? I am both blessed and cursed with a great deal of empathy for others.(which I’m learning is likely reason why i attract these types of relationships even though most people would describe me as strong) Though i know he didn’t love me, i feel so much sadness for him that he’ll never truly know or experience the kind of love i have in my heart for him. I miss the mirage of what i thought we had and I’m finding it difficult to completely let him go, even as i know i always feel better when we don’t communicate at all. These blogs are a reminder of the “truth” behind the disfunction and charm. Hearing that others have experienced nearly identical stories to mine makes me feel less alone. Thank you Savannah for being that voice we all need and that nudge to gain our strength and move forward.
I cannot express how happy I am that you decided to write this. I am getting out of a relationship with a N that I’ve been with for 4 years and I have a child with him. All these years I didn’t know what I had gotten myself into. I’m in therapy because of this and I really didn’t understand what was really going on. Until my therapist told me to look up.infinformation on being in relationships with N’s. I came across this site and I read EVERYTHING you had wrote on this topic and I finally understand everything now. Now I know that this “relationship” was a mirage and it was sucking the life out of me. Now I read your blogs 3xs a day. Its like my bible. Its giving me the strength to close the door on this and move forward. Thank you sooo much for your words of wisdom and encouragement and helping us see the light and taking back our lives and regaining sanity.
AWESOME!
Wow. Thank you for this. I am in a process of divorcing from my narc husband. All these 7 years I have tried to make him understand how his behavior hurts others and me, his wife and “best friend” (as he claimed), but now after a major break-up (after his cheating was exposed and I kicked him out), I can see that other peoples’ feelings mean nothing to him. I was discarded like a piece of trash, I never got any explanation for all the cheating and emotional abuse – meanwhile he had already arranged a new source for his needs. He only told me he started cheating me and took this other woman because he “got excited and carried away”. With whom he actually had a child 2 months apart we had our baby. All this he was planning to keep hidden from me. This was the turning point I realized there is something seriously wrong with this person. I have realized that having kids with his “most important sources” is another way of keeping these women on his leash, because in one way or another we have to communicate with him because we have kids together. I am just thinking what kind of a parental role model will he be to our kids? Our kids are still small, and I pray to God they should never become assets in his narc games.
His behavior also validates the fact that narc behavior is a compulsion, they can’t help themselves… I just feel sorry (though I shouldn’t) for his new woman, who willingly accepted him knowing he is married, and who blindly believes he will leave all his other women for her and eventually be faithful… He will never do that and he will never stop cheating in one way or another.
It was really ringing the bell when you wrote about accountability; I was trying to make my narc husband a decent human being and was trying to held him accountable, but that never worked because his mind does not work like mine, and he has no understanding of normal moral codes… as if he is above them. Things got too hot for him when I exposed him and held him accountable, he was quick to disappear and leave me without explanation. Also, it was too much for his pride because I was the one who kicked him out. But in any case, he will do whatever he wants, being married or not… That’s when I realized I need to save my own life from this madness. I cannot change who he is.
I’ve never been with a cheating narc but I’ve been with a few narcs so I guess I wanted to more about their attitude towards people close to them. I read once that a girl felt pleasure in dumping a guy and wanted to know more about that. Good interview but I don’t think he was being completely honest. Go figures lol.