Growing up I learned to see the world through a very critical lens. I came by it honestly. It was one of the many gifts my mother had given to me. I thought of myself as a happy person, yet I was skeptical and always expecting the worst. That was the universe that I was creating for myself. One where people and things weren’t to be trusted and that nothing good ever happened to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I always outwardly hoped for things to go right. I hoped my dreams would come true, but there was always this element that got in my way that would sabotage my efforts. It was the reason I didn’t get that scholarship, promotion or chosen for that part in the play, band….
“The most important question you can ever ask is if the world is a friendly place.” Albert Einstein
This is an important question because however we see our environment is the environment that we create for ourselves, whether we mean to or not. If we see our world as hostile we will spend all of our time, energy and resources creating walls and defenses to keep people away. We will look for deception everywhere even in places where it doesn’t exist.
I truly believe that the events surrounding the car accident that killed my mother was the catalyst for this change in my life. At that time I lost not just my mother but my health, my Narcissistic partner of 10 years, my job, my house, my car, my friends – everything that makes a person feel stable and secure was gone in a matter of weeks. I truly believe that what happened in those few weeks was the culmination of all of the negativity, beliefs and energy that I had put out into the universe converging into one big purge. I hated my life, my job, my partner, my mother. I was so unhappy and I believe that when wrong path and you won’t get off the universe will intervene and force you to move.
At first it felt like I was falling and that I had nowhere to land. I was catatonic, terrified of everything and so depressed and broken that it was palpable to everyone around me. I felt so bad and I knew I couldn’t stay where I was. Reality started to don on me that there was no one that was going to save me and so my focus became survival based.
Aside from finding my own stability with a job, a place to live and the return of my own health, the stability I needed to find was with my emotions and my outlook on life. I hurt. I hurt so bad that I would stare out at the moon and just sob – heart wrenching sobs that took such a toll on my physical body when they ended that my body would hurt afterword.
I made a choice during this time that I didn’t want to feel this way ever again. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to feel good and I embraced the, “I’ll show you,” attitude that fueled me into action.
During this period I learned that you have to decide what kind of life you want to have and then work on breaking down the barriers to get you there. A good life doesn’t just happen by accident. It takes planning and execution. So what if I wasn’t given the tools other people had, so what if I had weight and self-esteem issues, emotional issues – there is no one that is going to ride in on a white horse and save me, so I can either teach myself what I need to know, or I can do what I always did, be negative and believe that nothing ever goes right for me and achieve the exact same results that I always did.
At this time the documentary the Secret was all the rage. I noticed that when I watched it I felt good. I felt inspired and empowered and I watched it every day. I became like a sponge taking in everything that made me feel good. I couldn’t get enough of books and videos that inspired me. I stumbled into meditation and was surprised by just how good it made me feel. I realized that I could manufacture a feeling during meditation. I could feel good. I could feel what happiness felt like and what joy and love felt like and I could become those feelings and emit their vibration. I understood from the I Am documentary that the phrase, “I am,” was a powerful and it showed me just how in control I could be of my feelings and my thinking. I learned that what I absorbed changed me for good or bad, so I had to control the kinds of things I let inside of me.
I know that there are a lot of people that think, “I have X,Y, Z reasons to be angry, so I’m going to stay bitter until I see with my own two eyes that my miserable ex gets just what’s coming to him.” I hear things all the time about the need to make him/her accountable for what they’ve done, but what happens if it takes years to see someone get their comeuppance are you going to waste all that time being negative and focusing on negativity just so you can feel vindicated? I always tell people to stop giving their ex so much energy and focus on themselves. I get it that people want justice and that you may have every reason to be angry and feel justified about how you feel, but the bottom line is do you want to stay stuck in that angry, disempowering space or do you want to do something different and step away from those familiar feelings and into something much better? I’m at a place now where I don’t go looking for justice. I trust that the universe will take care of that stuff for me, so I can focus on my happiness and my here and now.
As you continue on your path of healing I think it’s essential to develop a positive mental attitude and that you learn how to maintain that positive energy as you go through your day. Like I said you may have every reason to feel angry and bad about what happened, but who really gets hurt by your attitude. You always. You can always choose not to. Instead of hating my Narcissist and wishing all manner of hardships on him I instead began to look at it like this:
-Instead of feeling hatred and anger I feel grateful that it happened – it woke me up in this life. I was the walking dead before and now I am finally me and who I am supposed to be.
-It forced you to look inwards and to really get to know and understand why I was behaving the way I was – what drove me, what created my thought process, beliefs and feelings.
-It’s gave me the opportunity to live out the rest of my life happier and healthier than I ever could have been with him.
-It forced me on a new path, making me more compassionate with myself. It forced me to be autonomous and empowered.
-I learned that I could overcome anything.
-I now know what it’s like to expect success and good things.
-I see opportunity instead of obstacles.
-I stopped being so critical of others and now practice being more accepting
-I learned that continued triumph over problems builds confidence.
-I learned that it feels damn good to be happy. When you get used to feeling happy – feeling shitty becomes something that you just won’t tolerate anymore.
-I learned that feeling bad stops feeling natural when you practice feeling good.
You make this choice – no one else and as Wayne Dyer said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” When your old tapes start to play in your head, you shut that thing off and start playing your new tape. Just because something is hard doesn’t mean we don’t do it. It means we keep doing it until it stops being hard. You can be mindful of your thoughts and feelings and you can change your view of the world. We all need to take care of our emotional health the same way we take care of our physical health. Our treadmill needs to become the continual practice of being positive and maintaining a positive attitude. Make time for meditation just like you make time for the gym and in no time you’ll be able to flex your emotional and spiritual muscles.
Your Thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!
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You’re not going to like this Savannah (as I know you’re a Green Bay Packers fan), but I was thinking about the value of positivity last Sunday during the Super Bowl. I used to live in Boston so became a Patriots fan and — well you know the story. The point is if you focus on doing the next positive thing, with no thought about the enormity of your problems or the size of the obstacles in front of you, good things can happen. Sports are not life but they do provide lessons. And “do the next right thing and over time it will work out” is a valuable lesson. Maybe next year is the Packers year ….
Cowboy
It’s ok HC, it’s baseball season. Go Mets!!!!!!
I’m very confused. Below is a letter I wrote to myself 2 years ago. I think I have been trying to relate to a narcissist but if I’m honest I have made many mistakes as well and if she were to visit this website she would take comfort from it and believe I’m the narcissist. It’s me that has chased her, it’s me that gets cut off and it’s me that re initiates contact. I’ve done narcissist self tests and I score very low but she won’t go to councilling or mediation or let me see our daughter and there’s nothing I can do. She rages when her mother mentions my name because of all the things I’ve ‘done to her’ and to be fair some haven’t been good. I’ve tried to move on and meet other women but I always end up thinking what’s the point – I love her. I’m stuck
The ……. issue is very confusing for me because whilst on the one hand I believe I am a loyal, loving and committed partner she believes me to be faithless, unreliable and flirtatious. I am struggling to relate with someone who I believe because of her adoption and Catholic upbringing has some very serious issues. I’ve never before tried to get close to someone who will not explain how she feels, cannot trust me or give me the benefit of the doubt, displays no loyalty, seems unable to bond with me but clearly has strong feelings for me.
When we are together in person she can be happy but when separated by distance will drop we without explanation. It is as if she is so terrified of being abandoned she will abandon me first, she always sabotages our relationship by picking an argument and despite all my reasoning or apologies and explanations will go on and on and on believing the worst and is incapable, or unwilling to concede any ground, or admit, even slightly that she might be seeing it incorrectly or, at least, unhelpfully. She is always right in her world and her reality is that everything is always someone else’s fault – usually mine and she never says sorry.
It is so hard for me because I like to please I want to be close to her and (our daughter), I am very attracted to her physically and like and admire her. I’ve never heard her tell me how she feels about me and I am never the recipient of a kind word, a thoughtful act, a gentle touch or a small gift. I am criticised relentlessly and I’m seldom able to get things right. She abuses me verbally, in writing and treats me very disrespectfully. Somehow I am always made to feel it is my fault. I believe she is capable of loving but is so insecure and emotionally damaged that she is not capable of forgiving and accepting people for their faults, cannot trust, commit or accept. She is jealous and fearful of loss and is not capable of an intimate relationship. I have tried I really have, but just when it seems we are getting somewhere she will choose an issue to be unhappy about with me and sabotage everything. She has done this over and over. I know I’m OK, not perfect but I can love, accept, commit and share. My first girlfriend was was for 6 years, my ex wife and I were together for 13 years. She’s never been married, hasn’t cohabited for any length of time and is a good looking, talented, personable woman. I believe she has invariably wrecked things, I have to let go to have a good relationship with myself, someone else or been both!
Thank you so much for this website, it has speed up my recovery so much! Savannah, I would just like to suggest you publish your bio on your website. Are you a psychologyst?
Renta there is a About the Author under every single blog post.
Like an idiot, I have tried to remain friends with the abusive one. I have probably only seen him a handful of times this past year…not sleeping with him…but just seeing him or a random text.
Recently I read a book I knew he would be interested in, so I just went by his house and put it in his mailbox then sent a text just stating that it was there. I thought it was a nice gesture and expected just a nice “thank you” text and that would be that.
Well, it ended up being a series of text….he told me I was being sneaky and it was creepy. And i should have called him first. And that I needed to quit playing games. Blah, blah, blah….
I guess because we have been so removed from one another, haven’t slept together in a 1-1/2 years, and that I never initiate contact that this would be a non-event.
Instead it brought back the flood of memories of all the times I would do something nice when we were together and he would reprimand me like I was a two-year old.
I guess the less here is that we can’t even be friends. It’s amazing that no matter how removed you believe you are, they can still cut you like a knife.
Thank you for this article! I’ve been trying to be more positive. Since divorcing my narcissistic husband it has really brought me to realize how much I’ve really gotten to know myself and a greater love for Jesus! I will Not be bitter and angry!
I like the list of what to do instead of feeling hatred and resentment! This article changed the trajectory of my day and hopefully future days.
Thanks
Another perfect timing for reading your post. I’m exactly fighting the revengeful feelings of wanting my ex to be unhappy with his new girlfriend. I am torturing myself with thoughts of how happy he is now courting the new love and showing off to his family and friends how great a man he is while I was discarded like an old, unwanted, never loved, used only for sex and money piece of garbage.
Thank you for reminding me that that has nothing to do with who I am and how I want to live now.
With an utmost respect for your blogs, Savannah, THANK YOU. May God or whatever Powers you believe in bless you and may the life treat you as kind as possible!
Basia said exactly what I have been struggling with. I have kids to watch over and it is only because of them that I have been able to stay as strong as I have. But every day I remember what I have gone through and what I want, and what I don’t want. I am very thankful for this site, and for your insight. You help to empower others, so they know they are not alone and I so greatly appreciate it – and you!
You and I are traveling a similar journey! I’m breaking out of a painful cocoon and beginning to fly! Thank you for sharing your heart! It’s a bright light and I’m following it!!
My life started off extremely happy at age 16 when I met the love of my life. I married him at 19 had 2 kids within the next 4 years and had to put him out of the house because of mental cruelty and physical cruelty. I am 64 now and I am having repeated nightmares re his behaviour towards me and our 2 children. The nightmares are torturing me about what he has done. Abandoned his children and started beating me up when he took a job driving buses. He was meeting other women and I think he didnt want me ant more. I had stopped work to havve the kids and I think that was one of his problems. He liked money and it burn a hole in his pocket. He has never met 3 of his grandchildren and is not interested in seeing them He knows where I live so theres nothing to stop him from contacting me to arrange something. The person he lives with now has kids and grankids. They are a partof his life. My kids have been badky affected by this.