I got home really late on Friday. When I pulled into my driveway, at about 1:00am, I noticed a familiar vehicle in front of my neighbor’s house. It belonged to her ex-Narcissist. The same ex-Narcissist that lied, cheated and used her, the same one that kept coming and going from her life. The same one that kept hurting her and tossing her aside when someone else waltzed by and the same one that she said she was, ‘so over,’ it was ridiculous.
What is she doing I wondered? This man had her expectations sanded down to nothing and yet she still jumped to do his bidding whenever he called. She seemed numb to how disrespectful and offensive his behavior was and how desperate she seemed, yet she still wanted…needed to hang on to him.
She and I have had this conversation dozens of times. It’s the one where she tells me she’s not a codependent and she doesn’t expect anything from him and that there are certain things about him that she really likes. She will explain to me how he’s not bad all the time, sometimes he’s helpful – like that time he helped her move a piece of furniture, and that he’s funny. He makes her laugh and he’s fun to be around. She’ll tell me too, that he’s a great person to talk to and that he really gets her. She’s single, he’s single, they’re both adults, so why not spend time together?
When you let someone, who has mistreated you, waltz in and out of your life, with no boundaries and no repercussions, it weakens you. It perpetuates that core belief that you don’t deserve any better. It keeps you in that low emotional energy field. It keeps you addicted and dependent on the substance (in this case the narcissist). It keeps you stuck there, not growing as a person, or healing inner wounds. It stops you from seeking out someone healthy that would actually be a better and healthier fit for you.
The ability to justify so much abusive and disrespectful behavior is very telling about how we feel about ourselves and the level of our self-esteem. It shows us that our brains have become accustomed to glossing over the obvious and how easily they allow us to enter into the land of make believe.
I received an email last week from a reader that said, “He wants to see other people and he told me that he’s going to move and not tell me where he’s going to move to.” She asked me what I thought that meant.
I told her that she was trying really hard to create something that she wanted to hear out of something she didn’t want to hear. What did he mean by I want to see other people? It means he wants to see other people – you can’t morph that into, ‘he still loves me and won’t give me up’ – unless of course, you’re really good at deluding yourself. His meaning couldn’t be any clearer. If someone is threatening to move and not tell you where they’re going to there is no further explanation necessary.
Even if they say it one week and then next week they’re asking you if they can come over – there is something really wrong with the relationship.We can all be really good at deluding ourselves – especially when we’ve received mixed messages in the past. When we’ve had to solve the riddles they’ve thrown at us to keep us off balance and away from the truth, we can become accustomed to looking for hidden meanings, even when there are none.
Sometimes a statement is just a statement and needs to be taken at face value. Here are a few common phrases and behaviors and their definitions:
When they say I want to see other women/men: They mean I want to see other people. It means they don’t want to be exclusive with you. You’re not their girl/boyfriend. If you’re crazy enough to stick around they will still do you on occasion, but make no mistake they are being very clear that you should not expect anything from them.
When they say you can do better than me: They mean you can do better than me. They aren’t being humble or sweet. They recognize that they aren’t treating you very well and that you do deserve better and they are kind of shocked that you’re still around.
When they treat you like crap most of the time: It means there is something wrong with them, and that there really is no special connection between you. You’re not soul mates. They’re not going to eventually figure out that you’re the one and start treating you great because you’ve stuck around the longest, or because you’ve sacrificed the most for them.
When they say they want to be friends: It means they really like all the benefits of having you in their lives, all the resources you have to share and how much you sacrifice for them, but they want you to know that while they will continue to use you, they are under no obligation to treat you with a modicum of respect.
There is no guess work that needs to be done here. People that suffer from codependency tend to have a magic wand where they can just wave it over the truth and pretend it’s not there, or they pretend there is a hidden meaning or a riddle that they will spend days, weeks, months even years trying to figure out.
Another big issue for codependents is their willingness to put another’s life, needs and interests ahead of their own. When a lover tosses us aside and they are gone from our lives we are lost – we don’t know what to do with ourselves. There is a real physiological hole to fill because we don’t know how to focus on ourselves and become invested in our own lives.
Because our self-worth is so low we’ve internalized the message that we can’t do any better, or that no one else will want us, but this really is just a prison we’ve created to keep ourselves stuck. We’re used to the prison and in a sadistic kind of way it feels natural to us. Sure we had help creating the prison, but it’s really just a mirage. We only think there are bars there that are keeping us from moving on and breaking free.
Getting involved with a Narcissist is complicated. They can’t all be painted with a single, evil stroke of a brush – sometimes they are funny, sometimes they are helpful, sometimes they show concern, (whether it’s real or not is another matter), sometimes it feels like you’re in a real relationship, sometimes it feels like you mean nothing to them. If they were awful all the time it would be a hell of a lot easier to spot them and walk away. One of their special gifts is the amount of doubt they leave in their wake.
When enough time has passed and we think we’ve figured them out, we may think we’re capable of having some involvement with them without it completely destroying us. If this is where you are right now, you need to ask yourself why you want to be involved with someone who will never be able to give you what you want the most? Just because you have healed somewhat doesn’t mean that you’re in control. Always remember that any relationship will always be on their terms and that the law of addiction is still in effect.
A big part of conquering codependency is learning how to love and respect yourself enough to know when you are not acting in your best interest and that means walking away from anyone or thing that causes you harm.
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i have been involved with a narc for 2.5 years now but the last 6-7 months have been terrible. in Jan 2016 she asked me to move out of the house as she felt i need to house her, only to find out later that she was dating her ex therefore asking me to move was an excuse. i went crazy, involved a local counselor to who she admitted she is wrong and we can go back. (mind you prior to this she had been accusing me of dating my ex, whom we both went to her place and i explained to her that i am committed and there is no way we could be together). after two nights together she without shame asked me to pay the household bills to which i declined and asked “how is it possible when i have been staying away” which she didn’t like. Around June, i discovered she’s keeping touch with one of her ex’s and she told the guy she has dumped me. i confronted the guy, who made a call and put the phone in louderspeaker mode in my presence for me to hear what she got to say and indeed she said we are not together, to which she fumed when she realized i was present. she started insulting the guy as if she had not just been all nice to him. Just three weeks ago, i met again with a guy who she had always claimed he is a distant cousin and according to this guy they started dating since 2007 and it has been on and off. she even got impregnated by a different guy during his presence.from the texts i saw she was basically ooing him to get back together with him. the guy was very surprised to hear me say we stay in together. she then went to the church we attend together for intervention from the church elders claiming she still cares about me and they should help us sort our differences. i suspect she only did this as she heard one church mate saying she will hook me up her niece as she doesn’t care about me, moreover she has been claiming she fears the idea that i may revenge which i had not uttered and wondered where all that came from. however, surprisingly she is still cold toward me. i asked her if she wants to end the relationship and she doesn’t respond rather she would talk about how i humiliated her by exposing her and that guy lied to me. i was expecting her to be quick to agree to my request but strange enough she diverts the conversation and maintains obedience. what does this all mean?
My Narcissistic sociopath impregnanted his ex gf whilst we were dating for 6 months. He never introduced me to his family for the entire 4 years we were dating. Obviously i understand why now, because he was still busy with the ex gf and the child. He then discarded me for the 1st time when i told him i was pregnant. Told me what a whore I am and how he wants nothing to do with me and my bastard child. Knowing that the baby is his child. Had the time of his life whilst i was having a bleeding pregnancy and being hospitalized. My baby was even born prematurely. He came back and charmed his way back into my life but it was never the same. I could tell that he had no regard for my son and was still exactly the same person screwing around with woman and trying to drive me insane. I have left him ever since and hes been stalking me and sending me private number missed calls etc. Im in a space where i hav cut him off completely and value my life and my happiness. He got so mad that he decided to take me to court to supposedly get his son, but that trick didnt work. I will never allow anyone to make me feel like I am not enough. He literally lost all his control over me and that makes me feel good. I am certain that he has moved on and is busy sucking the life and love out of some other victims. I thank God for a second chance and know that things will only get better from here onwards!
I feel like this site is saving my life. He left me on Christmas Eve after 10 years on and off, the last 6 on. We had a plan for our life, well, he had a plan, I was along for the ride. Funny how he repeated the plan over and over like he was convincing me. When we met he couldn’t get enough of me but slowly slowly he stopped paying attention to me when we were out , always looking at something else. Never getting up to play pool or mingle. Then he started withholding sex until it was almost non existant. I’m a strong woman with opinions who takes care of myself but I would find myself getting anxious that he was going to stray and would need reassurance but there was none to be had. If I did something nice to pay it forward he would act as if I had done something bad. So much to say about how he slowly took away my already very low self esteem. Basically I was with my mother. But with therapy and now this site I know that I’m not crazy and I’m not alone. It’s been 5 months but I feel as low now as I did then. Comes and goes. I really believe he doesn’t really know what he does since he does it to his daughters as well. It simply is who he is. Is it possible to be a psycopathic narcissist? I almost wish I was like him so as to not feel the pain that I’m in now. So glad that I stumbled upon this site, Thank you Savannah
My narc used all the devaluing tricks in the book. I guess the real insult was when She expected Me to accept that Her 3 children (youngest 15 yrs old) were “in the marriage package”. I can’t remember the children saying their vowings to Me 🙁
I never thought I would be in this situation, but here I am. Two years have gone by since he last reached out to me, and now he’s emailing me again telling me he still loves me and always thought about me. I thought I could talk to him over gmail just to be “civil” and “mature” but my feelings for him caught on fire almost immediately. It’s like all the hard work I did to get over him was erased in just a 5 minute online conversation.
I thought I could handle it, I thought I was over him. Or at least I thought I was so strong but he’s my weakness! He doesn’t even show any remorse for what he put me through, he just glosses it over it all by talking about how difficult his life was/is and how he was going through so much hell.
It’s so hard to convince myself to believe that most if not all of his affection and love is completely self-serving. My stomach ties in knots at the thought of him not loving me or needing me. I’m already an mental wreck after just 2 days of him being in my life! How can this be? I know this is not healthy for me. I feel weak and crippled by him for some reason – and something tells me that’s no accident.
Timely as always!
I’m two years out of a marriage to a malignant narcissist. I’ve healed immensely, sought support, a great therapist and have a solid group of like minded friends who are there for me….finally!!
I’d like to start dating but the thought still scares me. Am I ready? Can I handle recognizing another narcissist and have the confidence to immediately walk away before my heart gets crushed again? I scroll a few dating sites but that’s as far as I go. 22 years of marriage has me clueless as to how this all works…
I’m out with friends in my birthday two weeks ago, decide to go to a local club after dinner – not exactly my thing but up for fun with my girlfriends whatever we do. We’re on the dance floor then he walks into the club…6’3″ super hot, charming. Seems to know everyone that works there (red flag??) He makes his way over to our group, says hello, smiles at me and upon hearing it’s my birthday starts chatting me up, funny & charming, captivating me. We spend most of the night talking, dancing, laughing with my friends. He charmed them too…they were happy for me having a good time, getting nice, sweet attention from this captivating guy.
Oh he layed on the sweetness very thick. Complementing me, my eyes, my smile….and yeah I liked it! We exchanged numbers and a passionate goodnight kiss.
Two weeks of texting & talking. Learning about each other’s work, families, childhoods, likes/dislikes. Talks of how nice it will be to see each other again, when we get together we’ll do xy&z, etc. The end of each call or text session left me confused – we forgot to pin down another date. Oh well I’ll ask him next time.
I said we need to schedule a date. He’s agrees, then is evasive. Asks what’s best for me then more evasiveness.
The hard questions I knew I had to ask myself:
Two weeks and still no plan? Is this ok with me?No. Do I still have hope this guy will come around? Uhh yeah. Is this good for me? No. Am I trying to pretend this is something it’s not? Definitely.
I knew what I had to do. The next morning I texted him..
DD I really had a great time with you. These past two weeks getting to know each other have been great. I want to get together again. You don’t. Therefore I’m moving on.
He did respond. Something about his work and a shoulder injury that was bothering him. No aknowlegement of what I just told him. Yeah. I did the right thing. I still cried my heart out, called a friend & felt sad for the rest of the day.
I’m not as strong as I thought but maybe I’ll be there one day.
This article and all the comments give me strength and understanding. I see that I am not in this alone. I see that others have gone through the very same things as I have. I loved her with all my heart. I gave, gave, gave myself. She won me over. She devalued me and discarded me and is using someone else now. I know who it is but I don’t think he will listen. Anyway, I have the word “sucker” stamped on my forehead. I’m trying to erase it, but it’s tough. I still want her. I keep thinking she may not be a narcissist. So I do more research and lo I find she has just about every one of the characteristics. And posts like these and the comments re-affirm that she is. It breaks my heart. I want to just remember the good and wish she’d come back and just be that way. I wish I could help her. I’ve been NC for over a month now. It’s tough. I think that maybe a text or email or phone call will fix everything. My brain tells me she can’t be fixed. My heart disagrees. She used me for 2.5 years. It’s tough to walk away.
I have read this blog and passed it on to several women. It has spoken to me and my past relationships. It has also paralleled what my therapist and I have talked about. I too have had narcissists in my life. This blog made me wonder Am I doing t he same thing? During my divorce 8 years ago I meet a sweet woman. She too carried emotional scars and I believed I had found a kindred spirit. We moved in together and I paid for half of everything including the mortgage though I had no claim to the house nor wanted any. We bought land that increased her property value and added a garage and shared family and holidays. Sadly I started to develop a need for my own space to relearn who I was. And I moved out after three years. The break up was very hard on her and ii even distanced myself from mutual friends that they could give her support. it took two years before we could speak as friends. And she said to me how much she NEEDED us to be friends again if just that. I agreed to stay friends. But wonder now if that was such a good idea. i have gone on to other relationships and gone out of my way to keep out friendship just that. I have watched her go through relationships and worried about her. One man tried to get her to “buy” his race car for $13,000.00 while letting him keep it at his house. I’ve told her that I refuse to allow us to be intimate out of respect for her and our friendship. i’ve seen other men from her past use her and told her i want to be a true friend a man who she can talk to and bounce ideas and feeling off of and vice versa. But I know that her feelings for me are stronger than mine for her. Whenever I’m between relationships she will make a comment about us from the past. Yet i know that as good a friend’s as we are am I doing more damage than good. Joanna is deaf and I have watched with an aching heart how some people,even in her own family treat her. I want to believe that by keeping the boundary of no intimacy I’m doing the right thing. But knowing her feeling are strong because I show her kindness and respect am I only making things worse. Can caring for an ex cause unintended harm. I would hate to lose her friendship. I owe her a debt of gratitude i may never be able to totally repay But not if it’s doing harm in the process? It saddens me to think I may.
I’m loving all of your stories, when I’m having a blip they give me the strength to stay away and the reassurance that I wasn’t going crazy.
Today should have been our 1 year anniversary, instead I’m focusing more on being 5 days without contact. When I say without contact I really mean I haven’t contacted him to outline my feeling, my pain. I knew he wouldn’t reply I just felt the need to share.
Something inside changed this week, My headspace is a little lighter, I’ve stopped talking about him and slowly reclaiming me.
A friend suggested getting back on line! There’s no way I’m heading down that road just yet. I realise that in a relationship I’m co-dependent and I actually have to work on that first.
Without this site and the incredible sharing I suspect I’d be still working through the bullshit and caught up in all of my grief for the person I thought he was and what could have been. I now realise that a leopard doesn’t change his spots, I wasn’t ever going to the one who would secure his affection and a happy ever after – actually no one ever will which kind of makes me sad.
I have acceptance, forgiveness isn’t close yet and I’m ok with that.
I have been working with Mr Narc on the last part of a project in our specialist field for the past two weeks. i planned for some time how to manage it. I hope that there is only one more week to go. I’m making use of him to get something I want which is fair exchange for how he treated me!
The new woman, who is living with him in the accommodation at his workplace, has been polite but distant. So have I. I’ve said before that her advent was what made it clear to me how self destructive my own behaviour had been and how that had to end so that I could rebuild my life without him in it.
I’ve confined conversation with him to the work and done my own thing in breaks. I can recognise and screen out his crap. I no longer feel any urge to be an admiring doormat. Does that mean I am breaking the addiction?
Once or twice, when faked interest has been shown, I have told myself, “Do not mistake this person for someone who gives a damn.” And, “If you want a relationship, this is one place you absolutely needn’t look.”
Tiredofthelies, of course he knows whose the jeep is. I went into Mr Narc’s place just before it all kicked off back in Sept and commented on new bedding. He said, “I’ve forgotten where that came from,” when I hadn’t even asked him.
I still have symptoms of PTSD. I know I repress feelings. Being around him is not constructive although the actual work being done is.
Savannah, I would love you to write more about the way you manufactured the positive feelings that you’d never had. I’d like to spend some time on this with the aim of getting excited about where this work is, literally, going to take me.
Thankyou ‘stronger today’ you took the words right out of my mouth! I too suffer exactly the same, & its a month today since I last checked his fb out of curiosity (they say if you practice something for 30 days its supposed to become a habit, although I’m not sure I believe it yet?!). However we’ve been NC for just over a year, yet my dreams still swop back & forth, from seeing him walk down the street with his new supply to us reconciling. Either way it still upsets & affects me for the rest of the day, & I know I’ll never receive an apology, but I cant shut out my subconsciousness, & think its because I still need closure, after he just seemingly deleted from his life as though I never existed/we never had a 4 year relationship! And so it is only through reading this site on a regular basis I realise I am not alone & that it life is better without him & that we will all heal eventually!
I’m so grateful for this article Savannah. I am right now sitting in front if my boyfriends house and there is a jeep in his driveway. This jeep was in front of his house before which he said “weird I have no idea whose that is”. So much of me wants to go knock on the door. I sent him a text asking if I could come over…no response of course…there are so many options I have at this moment although most of me wants to leave a small parts wants me to hear him lie about the whole thing so we can be together.
It struck me as i read the comments (including my own) how much of an addiction this is. Just like an alcoholic, counting the days of sobriety, we count the days, months and years of NC. We fall off the wagon, breaking NC, we get back on the wagon. Like others, i am struggling now remembering what i miss about him. My anger is subsiding, the bad memories fading. Unfortunately my nightmares of my N and his harem have been replaced with dreams of reconciliation.
I know i will never reconcile with him, ever. And i will never be friends with him. I can’t even be a so called casual friend. As i told him prior to NC he is not my friend. I used to fret and worry over hurting him. I’m done with that. Final i am more worried and mindful of me being hurt. This is definitely a process and it takes time and slow but steady progress.
This was a great article for me at this stage in my recovery.
Strongertoday:
OMG!! I am going thru the same thing right now!! I keep thinking why do I miss him. He doesn’t deserve my thoughts. I keep dreaming about reconciliation since my anger has subsided as well. Yet, in my heart of hearts, I NEVER want to see him or speak to him as long as I live. He literally/metaphorically killed me. It’s taken me 2 years to let that anger/resentment go. It was only last August that I discovered NPD. I know he doesn’t have that but my experience resonated with everything. This was a moment of validation for me. I was finally able to work on my anger and move towards healing.
This person acted just like my custodial parent. My Mother. She would show attention when she wanted. She would then be aloof and cold. Spattering of care and positive ..enough to keep you yearning and trying.Trying to earn love. bad bad bad. Then you meet someone like that and you unconsciously relive it and try to win this time. Gender of either player parent or mate…same thing. wake to it. SAVE self. NO one else is coming to save you.
Great article!
Denial seems to be such a huge component in this fusion of Codependent and Narcissist. My situation was unrequited love with a narcissist. I have so wanted to leave a crack open in the door so that we may be able to have a friendship, to be there for the important occasions of our lives… kids weddings, birthdays, parents passing. Our brief conversations have either been about the weather or phoney chit chat. The real connection stuff gets lost on defensive posturing.It came to a head when he got a new love interest. I have backed off for my own sense of self worth and self care.
Your article is very helpful in reaffirming my direction.
What timing! I have just had a series of conversations with friends about what kind of contact/friendliness to have with my ex. I want things to be less tense for the sake of the kids, but he has nothing to offer me. I need that reminder. I can just ignore him at gatherings.
This is one of my favorite’s to date Savannah! I said the same thing as your neighbor so many times…”He’s so funny, even if I’m mad at him he can diffuse my anger in seconds and have me cracking up”, “No other guy has ever understood me or been so in tune with me like him”. My poor long-suffering friends heard the broken record that I was over and over. And I was truly broken and didn’t even realize it. He had so gradually and insidiously managed down my expectations.It took a major betrayal of trust and then, thankfully finding your site soon after to figure out whose victim I had actually become. I’m proud to say I passed my year mark of no contact in February. I read your articles and all the comments faithfully every week, because I know no matter how far I’ve come, there is no way I can let down my guard. I have to keep healing, keep increasing my self-awareness as to how in the world I got to such a place and make sure I never go there again, with anyone! We’ve all said it before, but I’ll happily say it again: thank you, thank you, thank you…your educating us on the subject has been such a blessing and the only thing that turned the dialogue in my head around from “analyzing the riddle” to walking away with the realization that I deserve so much better than I was getting.
FracturedFairytale,
what you said here is exactly where I am at right now. Although, i have been thinking of my ex a lot and missing him (or the person i was in love with). do you ever feel like you forget all the horrible stuff and ache for them??
Dear Healing, absolutely, although I will say I feel like my heart has finally caught up up with the logic my brain acknowledged first. He was the only person I have ever loved/wanted to spend my life with. He certainly said/made me feel like I was “the one” for a very long time. When the betrayal/discard occurred, it was so shocking and emotionally devastating to me. I did wish I could forget it all & go back to how things were before. Thanks to this site, however, I realized once the trust is broken so callously, it’s more than a temporary weakness or error in judgment on their part. It took time to process it and realize he was not wired to feel the same love or be capable of the same loyalty that I found effortless. I missed the person I thought he was so deeply, I mourned it like a death. Without Savannah’s blog, I probably would have forgiven him and perpetuated the cycle. How she describes the narcissist and their behaviors is so telling and textbook with what I experienced that it helped break those chains around my heart. Best wishes on your healing/recovery!
I’m a bit guttered . . . I caved.
Wrote an email to myself outlining how I’m moving forward and next minute I’m online googling. He’s not just online dating but also on a hook up site.
The rest is history, he got the email to myself with some extra feedback. Not going to beat myself up but I realise that the no contact clock has just restarted again.
No contact requires strength, I need to find it.
This was spot on. Denial is a very strong part of codependency. This article really was useful to me. The better looking, the more the Narsacistic gets away with. You can maybe be friends with one, but once you have sex with them, he has the upper hand. They are so charming in the beginning. Please keep telling us that they are sick. Thank you.
You can NOT be friends with them, in the sense that friendship entails reciprocity and narcissists do not treat any other person except as a means to an end. Once you’ve identified them as one, walk away, there’s nothing good to be had from interacting with them on any level.
I was ‘friends’ with a covert narcissist for 7 yrs. Never has anyone ever treated me so callously. I went NC 2 yrs ago but just this past weekend I learned that he shut down his email–my only communication with him. Thus, I have no means of contacting him. He’s cut me from his life. I thought I’d be fine w that but I actually cried.
He was a pathological liar and a skilled gaslighter. I turned into the complete co-dependent around him. He was so cruel to me yet he could be warm, funny, sweet, make me feel like I was on air, and just totally wonderful.
But he also lied to me about his entire life, his name, identity, made me believe I was crazy, needy, he refused to do anything for me anymore.
And yet, I miss him terribly. I’m not over him, so I’ve had to keep NC in place. His words are like knives, and I read recently that when someone has the ability to hurt you, they still have power over you.
So despite my exhaustive efforts to make our friendship work, doing so would mean I’d have to be a total doormat, erode my sense of self-worth, let him call all the shots, never voice my opinion, apologize even when it’s not my fault, etc.
The stories I could tell about this guy. And the hooks he had into me are even worse. So no, you cannot be close friends with a narcissist of that caliber. Cold, callous and cruel, he was.
And the fact that I still miss him in some way means I still have work to do on myself.
This comes as perfect timing for me. I have maintained grey rock/no contact for quite some time. I am still married to him even though we live apart. (for various boring reasons I won’t get into here). I’ve had to have more contact than usual since it’s tax season.
I, too, have been thinking about how much I miss his sense of humor and how I miss THIS version of him. Because of course I saw the cruel, discard phase many times.
I will never go back to him, but have found myself remembering the good parts of him more than the bad. I still don’t contact him unless there’s some legal (like taxes) reason to. But it’s so hard not sending him the funny text every now and again.
Thanks so much for this post!!
Hi Savannah. You are a god send. I was actually thinking the exact words of the title of this article last night! What a coincidence! After 3 years of no contact, he contacts me and wants to get together. Another coincidence was this weekend. Reread the book called PSYCOPATH FREE BY PEACE for the third time. So despite all that I was surprised at myself 4 actually thinking I would be able to handle him again thinking Im stronger now. But I said NO WAY AM I GOING TO GET ON THAT ROLLER COASTER RIDE OF HIGHS AND REALLY LOW LOWS EVER AGAIN. So thank you yet again 4 this amazing article which only CONFIRMS my decision to not get suckered into their manipulative tactics. They are only throwing a bait to see if you will bite. I highly recommend that book to everyone who has suffered in the hands of these people. God bless you and your continued work to teach us and open our eyes to see the truth!
SAVANNAH….i JUST BROKE DOWN YOUR NAME…SAVE ANNAH tHAT IS WHAT SHE DOES FOR HERSELF AND FOR US…..READ EACH PARAGRAPH SLOWLY. IT IS ALL THERE. YOU REACH BACK FROM WHERE YOU HAD BEEN AS IF IT IS STILL – IS CURRENT…..DO NOT KNOW HOW … BUT YOU DO. WE WHO GREW UP IN HARD SITUATIONS NEEDED TO PRETEND OR ESCAPE…IN OUR THOUGHTS. AND NOW WE STILL DO IT.. AND IT IS TRAGIC FOR US….. THINK BE AWARE…. STOP .. COME BACK TO THE TRUTH AND REALITY. READ THIS OVER AND OVER. SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS, SAVANNAH
Spot on again! It is always helpful to be reminded of what we’ve been through and how ingrained our codependency is–always a work in progress. You have to keep reminding yourself that there’s work to do and remain mindful of the tendency to accept less than you are worth. Glossing over the truth will never help recovery but there’s still a deeply routed need to find some glimmer of self redemption in why we remain in these destructive relationships for so long. This makes it hard to face ourselves and our own weakness in admitting why we remain in these relationships from hell. Thanks for the reminders to focus on and love ourselves.
Yes!
Dear Savannah
Thank You for this email today, when I see this stuff writtsn down like this the denial I experience is outed… I’m really struggling at the moment and thi really helps me try to get back to me
Respect and kind regards
Tracey
Hi Savannahs, this very thing has just happened to a close friend of mine. The man in question has yoyo’d in and out of her life for the last few years, disrespecting her. Each time it ended with him she vowed never to see him again, but she always made some reason to contact him and get back with him. During the breaks she would be devastated and weepy. Then when she was back with him it wouldn’t take long for the ‘honeymoon’ period to be over and she would be disecting his behaviour and conversations with me, incessantly. Then they would be apart again and she would say ‘that was it, never again!’ Then months would pass and just when I would think she had really moved on, it would all start again!
And just like your friend, she was delusional. The idea of the realationship seemed more important than reality. It goes from zero to 100 in a heartbeat – NC to he’s moving in and marriage (even though his not divorced).
I am getting over my own abusive marriage and I just feel now this is not healthy for me to be around. I have been a good friend and listened and advised for 2.5 years, but I can’t do it any more. The crunch came when she lied to me so I wouldn’t find out he was at her house. I have recently told her I can’t do this anymore and have been honest about the reason. I feel guilty about this because she doesn’t have many friends, but I couldn’t go round in another loop with her. Did I do the right thing, or was that selfish?
Thank you Savannah, your article may have saved me!
I am weaning myself off a narcisst who has left me wondering what our relationship meant. After a long holiday weekend I was toen between contacting him or enlightening others how devastating his behaviour has been.
You have reinforced the need to stay away and maintain my dignity though revenge seemed appealing, well for 5 mins anyway.
I’ve had the counselling, I’m keeping active and busy but your articles are keeping me calm and sane! Thank you!
I JUST checked my email, before seeing this, to see when the date was that the block was expiring, on my phone. My company owns my number and I have to go through HR to have them reinstate the 90 day block for free, as the company will not pay additional phone fees for employees. April 5th. I won’t let the narc through again, because I know now it doesn’t mean the narc misses me, it means they miss the gratification, the power over my feelings, my money…and so on – so it’s more beneficial for me to not know if narc is trying to reach me and to get on with my life and pursue healthier relationships!