You’ve just met someone and you are on top of the world. You’re being lavished with excessive amounts of attention and you’ve never been pursued quite like this before, so it must be love and you are hooked. But then something happens days or weeks into the chase. Your Prince Charming’s red hot pursuit has turned into an icy cold retreat and you are left wondering what the hell you did wrong.
After some time has passed your Prince resurfaces offering little or no explanation or apology. As you start to look back on your relationship, you realize that you were sped through the early stages of the dating process. The relationship is all on his terms, you’re not sure when you will hear from him again and you communicate and hook up only when he wants to. You’re starting to see all of his promises go unfulfilled and his words never match his actions. You are confused and can’t fathom why one day you were treated like a princess and the next day you’re gum on the bottom of his shoe, but you keep hoping the prince will show up again and give you the relationship that you want.
Unbeknownst to you, he has done this dance before. He’s hooked on the chase and future fakes to speed up the process. Once he knows he’s got you, he realizes that there’s going to be expectations, you’re going to want to get closer and intimacy will follow. Suddenly, he’s hit with a dose of anxiety, the walls start closing in and he starts fault finding. The things he once thought were cute about you in the hot phase, he now finds irritating and he starts blowing cold. He’s not honest about what’s going on in his head, which leaves you pretty confused and upset. He accepts no responsibility for his actions and believes that if you are stupid enough to put up with his behavior that there must be something wrong with you. .
While he is in his cold phase with you, he is likely in the hot phase with his new meat. There are generally a string of girls from previous encounters that he runs to for sex, attention, money or an ego stroke. His head is on a constant swivel always looking for the next more interesting challenge. The list of exes can be pretty extensive and he always has a supply waiting in storage when his need is great.
If this sounds familiar, you’ve just experienced an encounter with a Narcissist.
Narcissistic Supply
What you don’t understand is that for the narcissist, love and admiration are like a drug. He speeds you through the dating phase because he wants to elicit these emotions from you. That’s all he wants. You may be saying, “But, I was giving him love, why did he leave?” Like a drug addict the narcissist develops a tolerance and needs a more challenging fix. They become bored easily and they are always on the make for someone or something he perceives to be better and more worthy of him. In the beginning you felt like he put you on a pedestal, showering you with compliments and attention, but soon, as it always does the buzz wears off and he is on the lookout for his next hit.
If you’ve heard yourself saying, “He couldn’t have loved me, if he treated me that way,” you’re right. He doesn’t love. When he looks at you, he is not seeing you, he is seeing the reflection of himself in your eyes. You are part of his Narcissistic supply. There are always more than one and he is always looking to add to the supply. The supply is interchangeable. If you are thinking, “There must be something special about me that’s why he keeps coming back. He realizes that he can’t live without me, that he’s made a mistake,” – think again. He doesn’t see you – he sees supply of his fix and always remember, the supply is interchangeable. It could be weeks, months even years, but he will always come back. Once you have shown him that you have feelings for him, you have become part of the harem.
Intimacy and Emotions
The end result of dating and getting closer to someone is intimacy, but despite his words to the contrary, the narcissist does not want intimacy. He doesn’t know what it is. He fears it. All he wants is his fix. He has no desire to get closer, to do so would mean that he is in touch with his emotions. Relationships with Narcissists are generally short lived, shallow and superficial. They will expect grandiose gestures and sacrifices on your part, while putting in little to no effort themselves.
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. To feel what someone else feels. This ability is not present in psychopaths and narcissists. Because they are not present in the narcissist , when he sees them in someone else, he sees them as being fake displays, with a calculating purpose.
For a Narcissist it’s all about him, there is no balance, compromise or reciprocity. If you have heard yourself saying, “He acts like he doesn’t care,” well that’s because he doesn’t, not in the true sense of the word. In his world renowned book, The Mask of Sanity, Dr. Harvey Cleckly, writes about psychopaths and describes their inability to feel emotions as being colour blind and that they have learned to mimic the emotions of others. Narcissists do feel emotions, mostly negative ones, and not the way normal people do. His emotions are a watered down version and bland in texture. They lack a moral compass and proceed with their desires without guilt or remorse to guide their actions.
When you get emotional or upset in his presence, for the horrendous way he has treated you, he feels extremely uncomfortable. Because he lacks empathy, he cannot relate. Intellectually, he knows what he has done to you is wrong, but he cannot emotionally understand what his behavior is making you feel.
He deplores weakness, especially in himself and because he is dependent on his supply, deep down he hates you and himself for this dependency. Male Narcissists are all misogynists, they hate women. Vaknin states that, “The narcissist is a projector – he believes that all women want, is to control, use and manipulate men and suck them dry – when the reality is, that is exactly what the Narcissist does.”
“But he’s such a good father, how can you say he doesn’t love,” – his children are an extension of him and are part of the supply. They love him and give him the adoration that he needs.
Other Neurosis
On top of being a Narcissist, there are often a slew of other neurosis that accompany it. They are generally considered to be compulsive liars, con men, predators, master manipulators, users, have sexual dysfunctions (they can be either asexual or a sex addict or both) and obsessive compulsive. Hypochondria and eating disorders can also be present. They struggle with depression, anxiety and may even have had thoughts of suicide. I have often used the term emotional vampires, because they swoop in suck out your emotions and then once they’ve had their fill, swoop back out and only return when their need returns.
Vaknin says that, “sex with a Narcissist is like he is masturbating with your body.” The act itself is fairly emotionless and leaves you feeling empty. If he does consider your needs at all, it is not because he cares about your pleasure and how you are feeling, it is because he wants to generate the perception that he is an excellent lover, strong and virile. For the Narcissist it is all about how he is perceived by others.
Signs, Symptoms and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Criteria
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with the disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism. – Mayo Clinic
If you have noticed several of the following symptoms in your Prince Charming you are probably involved with a Narcissist:
Lacks empathy and disregards the feelings of others
Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
Reacts to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
Takes advantage of others to reach their own goals
Exaggerates their own importance, achievements, and talents
Has unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance
Becomes jealous easily
Is obsessed with himself
Pursues mainly selfish goals
Has trouble keeping healthy relationships
Becomes easily hurt and rejected
Sets goals that are unrealistic
Wants “the best” of everything
Appears unemotional
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual is currently making changes to its diagnostic criteria for personality disorders. These changes will include scales of tendencies. This is the first change to Personality Disorders in over 10 years and the completed version of the DSM 5 will be out in the summer of 2013. The new criteria in the DSM 5 differs slightly from that in the DSM IV and is included below:
The DSM IV requires 5 or more of the following symptoms for a diagnosis:
1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequaled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – (Narcissistic Supply);
5.Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment;
6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.
The Life of the Narcissist
Don’t envy the Narcissist. Life for him is often bleak, wrought with crippling feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness, shame and guilt. He is generally moody and would describe his persistent state as being in emotional turmoil. Because his sense of self-esteem and self-worth are entirely dependent upon the admiration and esteem of others, he is constantly driven to seek out new sources of supply. This quest is never-ending and all consuming. It is his drug and he is an addict. When his supply is low he will resort to former sources of supply to tide him over until the next target arises. When supply is non-existent his behavior is much like that of a drug addict going through withdrawal. He feels panic, despair, anxiety and fear. He withdraws and slips into depression.
The psyche of the Narcissist is split in two. There is the true self and the false self. In the true self his feelings of inferiority, worthlessness and dysfunctionality are repressed and the emergence of the false self is constructed. It is in this false self that the superiority, grandiosity, sense of entitlement, and self-absorption is created. It’s a defense mechanism learned in childhood as a result of abuse or trauma, which manifests in early adulthood.
He is detached from his emotions and has no real sense of himself. His false constructed self is the image that he wants the world to see. It is his armor. Anything that threatens this false-self arouses feelings of anger, rage, fear and anxiety. Everything about the Narcissist is superficial. He’s a mirage of his own making. He has no sense of himself, because he does not exist. He is a construct, an image and he is without substance.
Once you have stopped being a source of supply for your Narcissist he will discard you cruelly, callously and without a thought. Before you are discarded though, there is usually another to take your place. Your experience with a Narcissist has likely left you confused and devastated and while you are pining away for his return, know that he is not pining for you. Because he lacks empathy he cannot comprehend what you are feeling and he is entirely self-absorbed. The grandiosity of the false self actually has the Narcissist believing that,’ if I’m such a bad guy how come all these girls want me?’ What he is incapable of seeing is that anyone can gain someone else’s trust and esteem through, lies and manipulation. Real love and intimacy are created slowly over time and nurtured by consistent action, empathy, reciprocity, love, and respect. For the narcissist his relationships are one-sided. He only sees and values his wants and needs, his partners only purpose is to provide him with supply, which makes it pathological.
Treatment is solely dependent upon the severity of the condition, whether these are tendencies or a full-fledged personality disorder and only a qualified practitioner can make a proper diagnosis. Personality disorders are generally pervasive and not treatable. Because he is disconnected from his feelings and his true self, he does not have the ability for introspection and emotional depth. To continually seek these things from him is a futile endeavor – they just aren’t there. If he seems unreachable, it’s because he is. He is unreachable to you and most importantly to himself. Seeking real love from a Narcissist is like asking the blind to describe colors. It is a foreign concept. Since he cannot access these emotions fully himself, he believes that others have the same perception as he does. He cannot fathom what is outside of his own awareness. He will never know true intimacy, he is ill equipped so don’t envy the next girl. It’s only a matter of time before she too, is discarded.
When a man truly loves a woman he isn’t capable of treating her the way your Narcissist has treated you. Before you waste any more time and energy, know that he is sick and will likely never change. He will be back though, it could be days, weeks or years and he will show up as if nothing ever happened. Before you get overjoyed, remember he is back solely for selfish reasons. He is back because he has run out of Narcissistic supply and he is going through a withdrawal. He will leave again, it’s just a matter of time. So before he does make sure you close the door firmly. He will wiggle the handle, kick the door, maybe even look for a window. The only way to get rid of a Narcissist for good is to keep the door completely and permanently shut. And be content in knowing that while you can go on and love again the Narcissist will never know love and will continue to live in a fake reality where there is no escape.
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This is a truly inspirational website – thank you. I read and re-read articles every day to help me keep in mind the true personality of my ex N, rather than the fiction that he acted out with me for 3.5 years.
I understand that ultimately the N has a grim prognosis. But when they discard causing so such harm to those that have done so much for them and who have been devoted to them, it is impossible to not feel fury amongst the sense of devastation. The level of betrayal by someone so trusted cuts to one’s very soul.
It’s really important for people to know that the manipulation, projection and gaslighting can be very subtle, so that you sense something is not right but you cannot put your finger on it. It’s like having peripheral pieces of the puzzle, and then during the discard the main pieces are revealed, and the whole picture is worse than any normal person could have imagined.
He said that he would always owe me – I thought that was gratitude – he meant he had accrued resentment that was unleashed as anger for nonsensical ‘slights’.
My ex N is not trying to contact me because he is busy with is new supply and I am grateful because I am not strong enough yet (it has been a matter of weeks).
It’s so important to educate people so that we are on notice that these people, who appear normal, are actually like this, and their ‘vulnerability’ persona is a device to illicit more supply and tears are used to deflect.
If you are new to this site, read everything – it is helping me heal although this will be a long journey.
I have been involved with a narcissist for a year. I’m 43, & have been with my husband for almost 20 years. We love each other, & my husband feels passion for me, but over the years, the passion kind of died for me. I lost interest in him physically, & he’s more like my best friend.
Last year, I met the narcissist. He was insanely attractive, sexy, charming, intelligent, interesting. I instantly desired him, wanted to get to know him, was almost desperate to maintain a connection. He was like the embodiment of everything that was missing in my life. I had been a completely faithful wife for the entire time I was with my husband. Sure, I’d met attractive men before during our relationship, but none of them had ever tempted me. THIS one, however, was completely irresistible. He was a magnet. He lit my fire. He got me excited about life. When I met him, I was in poor health & overweight. In the 12 months I’ve known him, I changed my eating habits, joined a gym, & lost over 100 lbs. Why? For him. I wanted him that bad.
After we first met, he started texting me. He’s invite me to do things with him: hiking, fishing, etc., even though he knew I was married. Then we started sexting (no pictures, just words). This led to a few meetings. We engaged in some physical stuff, although we did not have actual sex. I don’t know what I thought I was doing… Looking for excitement, trying to satisfy a need. It was supposed to be casual (and it totally was for him), but I fell for him. HARD! He was sweet at first. He acted interested. Maybe he saw me as a challenge because I am married. He was always late for our meetings. Be made me wait every time. Then he would only allow me about 30 to 40 minutes of his time because I’d see him after he got off work, but then he had to pick up his young child from his ex girlfriend’s house. This sounds understandable, but he never would break his routine in any way for me. He made all these plans about how we’d do fun stuff together, but none of it ever happened. Sometimes he wouldn’t text me for 2 weeks. He was either upbeat & chatty or cold & distant. He claimed he got depressed sometimes, which was true. He’d call me things like honey, cutie, sweetie, babe when he texted me. Things of that nature. However, when he saw me in person, he’d call me things like “buddy”, ” pal” & “dude”, which offended me. This went on for 4 months. Then he got a new girlfriend (a quite young one), and sent me the dreaded message, ” Let’s be friends.”
So, I’ve been in the discard stage for about 6 months. I should have walked away long ago, but I love him. I started drinking to make myself numb. I usually cry at least once a day. Even though everyone tells me I look great after losing 100+ lbs, I just feel like I’m not good enough, so I’m depressed. When he met me, I wore a size 18. I have no idea why he was even flirting with me. Now I wear size 5/6 pants, which is smaller than I was in high school. I wanted him to want me back, but I guess nothing I can do will make me good enough in his eyes.
Recently he texted me that he might have broken up with his girlfriend, & that he & I might be “back on”. I accused him of trying to make me the backup woman, & said some other confrontational stuff. We’ve been at a texting holdout for 2 weeks now. He probably decided that I’m too much trouble & not enough of a doormat. I’ve been so accommodating & willing to do stuff for him, that he’s used to getting whatever he wants from me. Since I’ve been reading tons of articles about narcissists, I’ve become a lot more educated about my situation. I can see it for what it is, but I’m also still enmeshed in my own addiction to my narcissist. I still have love in my heart for this man that feels nothing for me & only wants to keep me dangling from a string of hope to extract whatever he needs from me.
I’m just ending a 1 year relationship and he is everything in this article. He owns his own business and lies and cheats his partners out of money all the time. Yes he is quite charming. I looked him up online and found he got another woman in another state out of almost $100k. He got me for nearly $20k. I could never understand why he deflected and always accused me of doing stuff. He got raging angry whenever I brought up something he did that upset me. I never understood it. I never got closure in any issue and the more i pulled away the harder he pursued me. As many times that I tried to leave he would cry and remind me of all the things he did for me, most were things he lied about. I thought, hes confused, he never did these things, what is wrong with him??? He could never be honest. He would lie to everyone. He would tell people while I was standing right there, all the things he did for his woman, all were lies. I stood there and looked at him and wondered who is this person. He moved fast. I lost my job shortly after we met and he asked me to move in. I think very highly of myself and once i started to see all the signs I felt trapped. I got a new job a two months ago and three weeks later I moved out! I never trusted him. I always felt something wasn’t right. He lied soooo much about the stupidest things. I stopped responding when he asked me what is wrong because he never truly listened and everything ended in an argument. He was always concerned with what I thought about him and how I saw saw him as a person. It was strange but this article makes it so clear. Even though I’m gone, he still calls and tries. Everyday it’s a little less. I’m not one for going back and I love me more than anything. I’m just glad it’s over and I have my own keys to my own house again. Thank you for this article.
Thank you for your insightful article. I am recently divorced and in the summer of 2015 met a man online who most certainly suffers from somatic narcissistic personality disorder. From the moment I met him, he did not respect personal boundaries (put his hand down my pants on our first date!), was focused totally on getting me in bed, he had a magnified sense of how important his time was, he would explode over the most inane of comments I would make, and I saw him only when it suited his schedule. He was a liar, manipulative, saw other women simultaneously, was incredibly cheap and had sexual requests (never complied, thank goodness!), anal, “facials,” request to videotape us, etc. I broke free of his hold only after I began reading about NPD online. I feel blessed that I only knew him for 5 months. A woman has to know her own value and set boundaries and release it is far, far better to go solo than to spend unfulfilling, upsetting time with a prevaricating, manipulative user of women. NPD sufferers are emotional vampires, they drain you, mess with your heart and mind. Best to say TOODLES to them forever. They will never change.
This article sums up everything and I feel as though I need to read it daily as a friendly reminder…versus the harsh irreversible emotional trauma I have endured off and on for six years. A lifetime lesson learnded from such a horrible teacher. Narcissist will always be Sharks, get out of the water. Don’t test the water or even dip your toes.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Thank you so much for this! This helps me in my healing process.
I have been trying to understand the extent to which my ex is Asperger’s (he had almost all of the symptoms as a child, still flaps, at age 69, when highly anxious) and the extent to which he is a narcissist. Many, though not all, of the behaviors are similar. Plus, during a 45 year marriage, he was NEVER faithful, and had probably six or seven affairs, and had one 20-year long affair during which he had another affair. And he is a complete dissembler. I never knew that he was betraying me, too, until just recently in our 2.5 year long affair. When I found out, by glancing over his shoulder and seeing him emailing her that he hadn’t done anything that weekend, despite having been traveling with me, I turned him out of my apartment, telling him I didn’t want to be with a liar. He never contacted me. Ever. But this is also an Aspie characteristic, as they are bewildered by strong emotions, and he never did the typical “cultivation” of me that I’ve read about in this and other sites. Does anyone have any experience with Aspies and narcissism?
I met a woman a year ago whom I think, reading all these articles, is a narcissist. She is beautiful and smart, very successful with a great job, we had the same passion in a sport, and we fell in love, or at least I fell in love and thought she did too. It was fantastic the first month, we traveled a lot, had amazing sex, were crazy for each other, etc. It was still great the second month, good the third, but then everything went downhill. She grew colder and colder, never had time for us, refused any week-end together or holidays (when we had three great trips abroad at the beginning), refused to spend the nights together, I had to live separately, but she still told me she loved me, just saying that something was wrong in the relationship but she didn’t know what, just that ‘I stressed her out’.
After about 8 months, she started rejecting me, physically, sexually, and we didn’t have sex the last two months of our relationship. She dumped me two times, and came back, and finally a last and third time. All text break-ups… This one is final she said, after the last one. She explained she just fell out of love with me, and had no time for dating, with her work and house to take care of, and her kids.
Now she is giving me the silent treatment, not answering any mail. No empathy whatsoever for my pain and suffering. I was devastated, as I was very much in love, and didn’t understand the change.
So I wonder, is it a normal relationship where one side falls out of love, it happens, that’s what she tells me, or was it fake from the start, a relationship with a narcissist unable to have lasting love. Her other stories and marriages were also short time, on year or so. She went from one extreme to another, crazy love and passion for two months, growing coldness for six, rejection, nastiness and contempt for two. And silent treatment recently, after the break-up and a few mails exchanged. What can I make of that, I am still thinking about her every minute and still burnt, how can I get out of it?
one year or so, sorry.
Last night my relationship finally came to an end. Two years too late finding this site. I knew something was wrong very early with my ex. I just thought he was done wrong by a girl and had a hard time with feelings. I went through the DSM guidelines and he is all 9. I’m not saying it bc I’m hurt. I am 100% he is all of them. He sucked me dry. I have absolutely nothing left. I’m exhausted, heartbroken, scared and angry. I feel for anyone who is in this kind of relationship and has no idea what a narcissist is. I only wish I would have known. Maybe then I would still have the confidence and self love I had before I met him. Thank you for your amazing articles. I will definitely subscribe. Now it’s going to be a long road to recovery.
I am so happy to have found your sight. I know finding narcissists is a repeated pattern for some, I am one of them. I’ve become very strong today in reading through your articles! Bless you!
Thank you for your insightful carticles. Unfortunately I have 3 children and the no contact rule and boundaries are a bit hard with my ex Narc bc he uses the kids as a gateway. I am working on standing my ground and moving on. Thank you very much and God bless!
will someone start a website with all these narcs names? i have a suspicion one or more of us have been walked on by the same person! OK, i’ll start – Xxxxx Xxxxx and his territory seems to be all of california.
I’m am so happy I found Savannah Grey. Amazing, you have saved me. I will Never ever give my narcissist ex another minute of my time. But I was the one several times to leave him, which this 3rd time infuriated him. He has called me all bad things like, selfish, ungrateful, opportunist. Blamed me for every fight that he started and provoked and provoked me until I fought back. Mind you I need nothing from him. I am well educated with a great job. I have a wonderful family and friends. I own my own home, pay my own bills and treat myself good. I didn’t take or need anything materialistic from him. I just wanted Love, trust and honesty. But I was a fool to take him back 3 times. But now that I found Savannah and realize my faults I WILL NEVER AGAIN BE HIS VICTIM. Thank you Savannah Grey you saved my life
I was involved with a narcissist, and I’m happy to say I am finally UNPLUGGED. I admit that I used one of the Narcs tactics to get away from him. I made him a promise, and I didn’t keep it. Funny, how when their tactics are used on them, they don’t like it one bit. I can imagine how I am being maligned, but I don’t really care. I have compassion for him, as I know he’s so very sick, but he does know right from wrong, and chooses to do wrong. He had told me his ex-girlfriend, “cried easily”, wow, now I know why. She is still hooked on him, by what he says, but is it true — only he knows. For “Only Me”, on here. I felt so bad when I read your comment. Please be assured that as you keep reading these blogs, your feelings of pain, shame, anguish, sadness, all that, will go away. Work on yourself, love yourself, pamper yourself, and you will recuperate. My ex was married to an RN, and I believe he probably chose her, because like you, she was in one of the caring professions. She most likely was kind and caring. In fact, I’ve seen a photo of her, and you can see her kindness on her face. He actually disappeared with a waitress on her for two weeks, and he acted as if there was nothing wrong with doing that, as he said she was flirting to get back at him flirting. What a sick and cruel mind. He does have good points, and I hope one day, he will seek treatment. Hang in there “only me”, freedom is at hand!
Reading through this article reflects all the traits of a relationship of my ex partner however she is a woman. Placed me on a pedestal and dismissed me with no regard with absolute hate, her reasoning was she hated my son the she saw no more the 4 hours a month. Extremely insecure and jealous of my own children. It leaves you cold empty and worthless as she moved on immediately to another and has pleasure advertising it whilst I am trying to comprehend what went wrong as I proceed through the grieving process. Logically this article provides some answers in a world where sometimes logic doesn’t exist.
Some guys know they have narcissistic tendencies, but stay with the only game in town for fear of being alone. When they don’t get the attention they expect, they get angry, like a child with the wrong toy in their happy meal. When their supply doesn’t deliver… Fantasy does… And is safer online…. And justifiably so… The N can say they had no real contact with the person of their fantasy .. And should not be sentenced as an adulterer. But, the pattern reveals an unhealthy hunger the N is burdened to satisfy… Attention.
As the N gets more insecure because of the success of his present Supplier… He begins to deteriorate the “relationship” into his own analytical breakdown .. Of fictional diagnosis … That are projected upon his Supplier. Of course, this defense mechanism works for a time as self deceit. When the Supplier … If the Supplier … Figures it out… He runs… He’s exposed.. He’s sad it’s over… He’s been cut off. This can happen even if no other “real” person of interest has been pursued. The pathological process… Is the reality of the relationship… While the memories remain just strings of past usery that felt good, but lacked relational staying power healthy enough to be sustainable healthy relational truth. The N believes the deep down self is too sick to get help. They have no sense of hope for becoming healthy. Their grief is simply being exposed and removed by their Supplier from the equation. These are the confessions of a self aware N … Who became either hypnotized into believing he us one… Or just awoke to this new awareness way too late to change…. Because these blogs say… The disease is too pervasive. So, read on… If N sex is using their Supplier to masterbate … That is way too sad to admit… Especially when she received multiples at length, great backrubs, was cooked and cleaned up after, while he worshipped her… Strength and dominance and provision for their life together. His carrier waned… Hers was to blame… But he was too good to just take any job….
Does this sound familiar?
I was involved with one as well. Pathological lying, bankruptcy problems. I find all off these articles excellent and helpful. I am a year out of mine and my only stumbling block is that because I am still in pain I think he is happy he has a lovely new girlfriend…. Life is hard and I feel he has just got it all, landed on his feet and smitten… any help?
Wow. It’s all there, and he has 10 out of 10. And the divorce is almost final. I agreed to communicate weekly about our daughter for the next 18 months. Texing is OK according to the contract. How about, “Daughter is fine.” Every week for the next 75 weeks–and that’s all I need to communicate. :):):) Wish I didn’t have to even do that.
Because he is disconnected from his feelings and his true self, he does not have the ability for introspection and emotional depth. To continually seek these things from him is a futile endeavor – they just aren’t there. If he seems unreachable, it’s because he is. He is unreachable to you and most importantly to himself. Seeking real love from a Narcissist is like asking the blind to describe colours. It is a foreign concept. Since he cannot access these emotions fully himself, he believes that others have the same perception as he does. He cannot fathom what is outside of his own awareness. He will never know true intimacy, he is ill equipped so don’t envy the next girl. It’s only a matter of time before she too, is discarded.
Savannah-WOW spot on I couldn’t describe it better myself! your articles are my saving grace right now-I always told myself I cant expect him to give me what he never had (love) and when Im honest with myself im truly better off without him-happier healthier (physically and emotionally) its not him that I necessarily miss as much as the intimacy the kiss the attraction In that sense I guess I use him for my own selfish purposes because when I have him I almost hate him-hes selfish inconsiderate and making love with him was all about his own pleasure never mine. And your right never envy the right girl its only a matter of time before his boredom of her kicks in or she starts nagging him which he cant stand and soon enough the novelty of her being a doctor will even wear off and he will leave her in the dust same way he did me I cant wait till hes headed to divorce court!
Mine was and is mentally and physically abusive. Hes a chronic lier. Im a RN yet he would always tell me to get a real job. I left him in sept 2013. I broke off the engagement when he pushed me down our basement steps resuting in a broken collarbone. Followed by him breaking my nose with his fist saying he would do worse if I toldbanyone. So I didnt. I no longer care about myself. Inhave considered ending my life and I am still considering it. Im lost.he wants me to pay him for the engagement ring yet I know he has it. I wish I knew what I did to deserve this. Pls help
This whole concept of these predators (particularly the “tormentor is the also comforter” phenomenon I have read about elsewhere) makes me feel so sick and saddened when I remember the terribly dark times of my N (if not full psychopath) relationship of 3 yrs – particularly as I was so distraught trying to constantly figure out what was going so wrong (while working full time and doing an MBA while N played war games constantly on PS in the same room of a 1 bedroom apartment) followed by a whole extra year of emotional control after I broke free physically from the relationship by moving out of my own place! Only now am I still piecing it all together, slowly, one online resource and psychologist appointment at a time and am celebrating 2 weeks tomorrow of NC (finally in response to being informed that the next “supply” victim had been targeted). Knowledge is power. Now I am trying to live by the mantra “I am not what happened to me, I am what I chose to become”. I just wish there was more awareness and sharing of blogs such as this so that less innocent, love-seeking people (particularly doing online dating) don’t have their souls robbed as well.
I also want to add that I feel sorry for those with these types of personality disorders who must be very anxious and hope there will one day be a “cure” or way to help these people to experience the beauty of empathy. Surely this is needed for the sake of human sustainability.
I can’t tell you how much this site has changed my life in just a couple of days. My N left me without warning 2 months ago – he took a job in another town and told me he was going alone. WE had had the most beautiful “love story” which I now see was an extended over-valuing period – he just seemed so perfect, I couldn’t believe my luck. And he, of course, knew that. Since he left, I have found out about a string of women he has spent time with in our very small town – it never occurred to him that anyone would mention this to me, but then he probably doesn’t care. He is in a new relationship – denied and denied it and then announced it on FB after I refused to talk to him one day. My son saw it before I did – it was awful. The new woman is married with 4 kids and will be moving 2 of them to a new small town to live with him. Even though I know she has quit her job here and taken her kids out of school, he is still denying that she is moving in with him. Even after everything that has happened, he is still trying to control what I think of him! I’m so sad that I was fooled by this person for 8 years. I don’t know how to get past it.
While this certainly is not in the DSM criteria, another characteristic I have observed with narcissistic men is the tendency to become easily bored with life and cycle through many hobbies/interests. My ex cycled through at least 8 or 9 seriously expensive hobbies in the several years we dated, everything from competitive shooting to different motorsports. He never focused on any of these hobbies for long enough to become proficient. He even established a business based on one hobby that he was convinced he was uber talented with but which has very little to no potential for profit. Recently I checked the website for said business, and he has let it fall by the wayside despite declaring it to be a passion just a couple years before. He now seems to be focused on yet another expensive motorsports hobby (shiny new toys!). He had depressive tendencies, and spent an inordinate amount of money on himself via the series of pricey hobbies. While there are certainly people out there who do have the available time and the funds for expensive hobbies, please check yourself when you get involved with such a guy – certainly possible that you have a narcissist on your hands.
I have been feeling despair since my husband left me, but reading this has helped me understand and accept that i am better off. I cannot yet feel sorry for the woman he is now involved with, right now i am thinking that she will get what she deserves. She became involved with a married man who has 5 children to consider and thought nothing of it. But i know that she will be in my place some day, and he will be off with his next target. I admit that i still love him, we have spent 9 years together, but i will not allow that destructive force back into my life, or my children’s lives. It is time for me to worry about me, not him. Thank you for all of the insight you have provided.
Wow! This is an eye opener. I have been in a relationship for 8 years (married for 3.5) We have 2 boys together and I am a step mom to 2 of his from a previous relationship. After our second child was born he all of a sudden said he wanted to leave me because I “put him on the back burner.” Come to find out he was cheating on my with his ex (the mother of his other 2 children.) I blamed myself and felt horrible! He made comments like I wasn’t sexy enough for him, that I don’t care about how he looks, and I don’t try anymore. Now, he wants to try and work it out… I am so confused but this article really has opened my eyes. Anyone have experience with divorce with children with a Narc? Or a Narc actually changing? Please help!
Fantatic article. Worth reading, who has dated a narcissist will fully agree. Thank you for this.
You saved my life. I have gotten all that I have needed to understand what happened to me from your website. Knowledge has empowered me to put my life back together and never look back. The truth really does set you free.
Its like you read my mind! You appear to know so much about this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you could do with some pics to drive the message home a little bit, but other than that, this is wonderful blog. A fantastic read. I’ll definitely be back.
Wow. Narcissism is an airborne disease. I had no idea how infected I had become. All in the name of love. Now I need to forgive myself for becoming involved in the first place.
I just found your site today. I’ve read others about Narcissism, but yours is my favorite now. I never even knew what Narcissism was until last year. A friend of mine started sharing articles from the internet with me because she was concerned. I soon came to the realization that my husband was a Narc. It’s actually a scary thing to think about now when I look back on it. I went to counseling for several months after kicking him out for drug use, lying about all kinds of things, quitting his job (and lying about it), flirting with women online, and emotional abuse. My narc met with my counselor one time and became so aggressive with the counselor that at my next session, the counselor said I needed to go “no contact”! I did and my divorce was final on May 31st. The narc never fought it one tiny bit! He’s already moved on to his next victim(s)- his former lovers that he had on the hook! He was contacting them 3 months after we got married! They don’t even know about each other and I feel sorry for them. Thank you for your blog. Keep up the good work!
Spot on again. This blog has given so much insight to me on my relationships and what I should be looking out for. I realize that I have a tendency to be attracted to alpha males with N tendencies. Men from military or quasi-military type careers and backgrounds. Successful leaders who are a combo of cerebral and somatic N traits. These men also tend to gravitate to me because as much as they like to have idolizers, they dislike weak women and prefer strong successful women. The last N was accomplished in a sport that we shared. Once we started participating in it together, I noticed him becoming critical of my performance, and diminishing the opinions or techniques I had. At first I am awesome and amazing because of my interests and my adventurous nature… then suddenly he’s finding fault with everything. Other indicators – both of these exes were preoccupied with their personal toys (cars, trucks, motorcycles). Both were very confident and arrogant about their skills and performance in their respective sports and hobbies. With insight and education comes the ability to avoid the next N that appears. Wonderful blog and great resource you have here.
Thank you so much for your blog. It will change my life. I stumbled across the term devalue and discard and a brief explanation of the term; it intrigued me as it was something I instantly recognised so I started searching for more information. I read quite a lot on the subject but it was only when I came across your blog that I could truly identify with it and understand fully about narcissistic personality disorder.
I am now in no doubt that I have been, on and off over the last 16years, in such a relationship. I am one of the harem, know it and make excuses for it. Keep thinking I am the one that means the most, that he always comes back to. Blame myself for the hot & cold behavoir, always trying to fix by behaviour. My expextations have been so downgraded that I expect, and get, nothing, apart from a few breadcrumbs to keep me hoping. Over the last 16 years this relationship has consumed all of my energy to the detriment of every other aspect of my life.
I have sometimes seen this but obviously suffer from cognitive dissonance. I see clearly now though thanks to your blog.
That I am damaged by all of this is without doubt; I was damaged to begin with that is how he got into my life. But I can and I will heal myself. He is on a cold phase at the moment but trying to worm his way back in – it will not work this time. Thank you for your excellent writing which has opened by eyes and given me the chance to get myself back.
This is like reading my life story. It makes me so sad. How can someone be so damaged/dysfunctional and not know it? He discarded his ex-fiance in the same cruel, callous way. I’m next to go. Guess he’ll be doing me a favour. Maybe I should send him a Thank-You card. Such a waste.
I am impressed, I must say. Not often do I encounter a blog that’s both educational and entertaining, and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on the head. Your idea is outstanding; this problem is something that not enough people are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy that I stumbled across this in my search for something relating to this.
Thanks for the great article..
Wow! very insightful. This article has helped me out. God bless you
very good info.